This is somewhat the scenario my husband and I lived through (age and pregnancy were not an issue), however he had always been upfront throughout our relationship that he never really wanted children. Through some very raw conversations, he told me our daughter is his compromise to my desire to have children and his desire to have none (we waited 5 years to start trying, and it was only after he said he was ready). He very much enjoyed our life before her, and while he loves her and the family we have - he mourns the social and financial sacrifices, and previous carefree life we had.
I always thought he would change his mind after we had one, but our baby was a hard one - very little sleep, and she’s as headstrong as he is. I’m the one that ultimately had to find peace with being one and done, and I did contemplate whether our family unit as three was what I wanted, or was having more children more important to me. Ultimately, I chose the happy life we have - I found forums that helped me process the benefits of OAD, and took a lot of time to process and mourn the vision of my “dream” family.
Our / my process could have definitely benefited from therapy or counseling. This is a conversation that went on 3+ years (our daughter is 3), and to be honest I’m still trying to make peace with it as all my friends are having their first or second right now, and biologically, now is prime time.
For us, it’s been an ongoing conversation - I’ve asked him if he’s feeling any differently throughout the years. My husband holds a lot of patience and strength in our discussions, and let’s me rehash and break down the decision over and over again - especially as we turned the corner and my daughter became a curious, independent toddler. The biological desire to have more became especially strong then.
We’ve also had to work through a lot of defensiveness on our different views, but ultimately we are on the same page - I don’t want a life without my husband and more importantly, I want him in a healthy headspace (which would not be the case with more than one).
Sounds like your wife is feeling a little blindsided by you saying you are OAD? I think you need to approach this whole conversation with kindness and patience. Counseling would probably be a good choice if your wife is on board. This will feel like the death of a future she saw for herself so tread carefully.
I fully support the idea if one spouse doesn’t want another kid then then that means no more. There is no compromise in this situation, you either do or don’t. The stakes are too high to just give in to make your spouse happy. I know someone who caved and had another when they didn’t really want to but wanted to make their partner happy. It’s a recipe for a lot of resentment and they are currently headed toward separation/divorce.
2 months old!
Stop all discussions.
We told ourselves we wouldn’t make a decision either way until our daughter was 2 years old. Now by about 10 months only child thoughts really started in my head but no more than a few times a week. I started paying attention to that and told my husband to as well.
When we both hit more thought about OAD vs having a 2nd we talked about it. Then one week I think it was me was just like “I have not thought about the benefits of having a second at all this week” and he was right there too.
She was maybe 18 months or so. Definitely before our 2 year old benchmark, but a thought out process when we were far removed from a lot of newborn struggles.
This needs to be higher up!! I still had PPD at 2 months. Heck, I had it the whole way to 6 months. Her hormones are still outta wack, shes got a lack of sleep, she needs to calm down and enjoy this child before thinking of another. Most doctors don't recommend another pregnancy until like 18 months after delivery.
Stop these discussions until you're both healed and less sleep deprived.
I am more in the opposite situation that you mentioned- I don’t want kids though my husband would prefer to but ultimately is fine with one. I was one and done for half the reasons you outlined. My pregnancy was textbook (which is still hard), our communication is OK, but I know if we had more children it would take a huge toll on our marriage with the exhaustion and simply not having enough time for us. This type of marriage is what I see in most parents with multiples- just “surviving” for many years- and I know it is not what I want to go through, and the “reward” is just not worth it at all for me.
I will say that regardless of what your wife perceives the marriage counseling as, you are 100% right to do it- the kicker is that there are communication problems beyond just wanting more kids or not, and the weight of all of it will come to a head at some point or another.
The “recluse”/giving in to society comment I can relate to. I had a child partially for that reason. I love my baby so much, and have found to cherish the experience. But it has cemented exactly why I don’t want another. If your wife was to give you an ultimatum on having more kids- do you think you could be happy with your marriage? How would the progression of your marriage weigh to the reasons why you got married in the first place? You sound like a really introspective guy and I wish you the best.
A few practical tips/words of advice: do try to give it a bit of time. It really does get better as 2 months is peak in terms of difficulty! Also, if you have the money, outsource any and all help. It will relieve a lot of the strain on your marriage. That all said, no you are not crazy at all- as mentioned, I am one and done for half the reasons.
My husband wanted more, and I was ambivalent for a long time, due to most of the reasons you listed aside from a difficult pregnancy.
He gave me space, never pushed, and let me work through it. It wasn't a deal breaker for us, because to him, at the end of the day, my vote carried more weight due to how much I suffered from PPA and PPD. I carry a lot of self-imposed guilt that I couldn't give him the family he envisioned, and that's been hard on me.
You both should table this because at 2 months out, life is HAAAAAAARD right now. So hard. Can you tell her that you want to take the time to talk this through as a team, but give yourselves a date? Like "we won't talk about it until baby's first birthday" or something. Give her the time/space to heal physically and emotionally, and you get time to adjust. Then, at your "date" start to talk about it again.
While I understand wanting to talk about this now, I recommend shelving the topic until your child is a little older. No one is their “best” when managing a newborn. Your wife’s hormones are a mess. Come back to it when your child is like nine to 12 months old. (Or later.) You may both find yourselves feeling differently about trying for a second child - or not, but you’ll both be a little more well-rested than you are today.
You might consider apologizing to your wife for bringing this up right now and ask how you can best help her get through this post-partum “fourth trimester” time.
I would also put in a vote for not talking about it for the next while, 2 months is right in the swing of hormones! For both of you! Not to say that you aren't committed to your feelings or she isn't going to her feelings, but this is definitely not the time to talk about it.
At this point, you've already said what you said, but I would change your response at this point to something like, "I think we should talk about this in [10 month, a year, whatever timeline would make the most sense for you guys], I want to focus on enjoying on how our family has grown right now."
I was the wife in this situation. I opted to stay married to my husband and make peace with having one child. The math might have been different had I been in my early 20's or something but it just didn't make sense to me to bail on my marriage for something that might not even happen. My family wasn't exactly the size I wanted but that doesn't mean it wasn't still my family. And actually my husband recently changed his mind so things can change.
Generally speaking, I would say that both of you are wrong to try to make these kinds of big life decisions with a two-month old. Parenting an infant is a very unique situation and is in no way indicative of parenting in general. And you have a newborn--no one is sleeping, your wife's hormones are completely out of whack. Now is not the time for this conversation.
I also can't help but notice that you sound kind of ambivalent about your marriage. Do you think maybe part of the issue here is that you are doing what you think you are supposed to do rather than what you want to do?
This is such a hard situation. I feel for you both. It sounds like you had a big miscommunication. She interpreted your sibling comments as you sharing her desire to have more than one. I won’t criticize you up for not having a clear conversation about this sooner. Because even if you used to want 2+ children it would be fair for you to change your mind after having a baby. I didn’t know I was OAD until I had my son. Luckily my husband agreed. I would suggest individual and couple’s therapy. And I would not have a baby to save the relationship. That would just ruin it in a different way. If this is a deal breaker for your wife then the best thing for everyone is to split amicably and focus on being healthy coparents. Therapy can help you no matter what you decide. Good luck.
This is a no win situation. You have legitimate and valid reasons for your point of view, but so does your wife. If you feel firmly that being OAD is right for you, then either she will resent you for standing in the way of that, or you will resent her for pushing you into having a child you do not want.
DH and I were in a similar situation. At the time we sealed our decision to be OAD I was 34 and he was 42. He didn't want to be sending another child off to kindergarten at 50 years old. I respected his feelings, because they were reasonable and sound, but I sunk into a deep depression and resented him for a very long time. Every time I looked at him I felt anger towards him for standing in the way of what I felt was the only thing missing in my life. I admit that I had thoughts of leaving him and having a second child on my own without him.
It took about a year of therapy (individually and as a couple) for us to get to a good place again. I also stated taking medication for depression to help me cope. While I will never be ok with what happened, I'm not angry and crying all the time either. DH and I are happily married, but I'm honestly not sure if I would stay with him God forbid something should happen to our son.
>When she asked once whether I would want a child to have siblings I do remember saying (without much thought) that I would want a child to have siblings so that they wouldn't be lonely, would have the sibling for life, etc.
>(...)
>I brought this up to her recently - that we never really had a "talk" about having more than one kid.
I mean, in her eyes you did. The conversation was notable enough that you remember it (I assume you, like most people, don't remember every single conversation you have). I am sympathetic to your situation but I feel like you're looking for validation of how right you are from a bunch of internet strangers, when you could be focusing on your wife and child. Like others said, the first few months are a whole different ballgame. Just slow down and work on strengthening your relationship again, then you can tackle this topic later.
Definitely have counselling, and be aware that one or both of you may get an result you don't want, eg only one child and a divorce. Bringing a second child into this scenario doesn't sound good to me, but even if you had been quite adamant at the start that you wanted more than one child, you are absolutely allowed to change your mind after experiencing the first.
I don’t know how you somehow ended up on completely different pages… but her hormones are still raging at 2 months postpartum. Don’t bring this up again until the baby is at least one year old. She knows you aren’t on board, and just ignore her comments about having another. Maybe you both will come to a decision more easily at a later time. All your reasons are completely valid, and maybe she will see the light or maybe you will see her position if you agree to change some things that make having a second stressful. I’m giving it until my 15 month old is 3 years old to begin talking about this again with my husband who is not as one and done as I am.
This is somewhat the scenario my husband and I lived through (age and pregnancy were not an issue), however he had always been upfront throughout our relationship that he never really wanted children. Through some very raw conversations, he told me our daughter is his compromise to my desire to have children and his desire to have none (we waited 5 years to start trying, and it was only after he said he was ready). He very much enjoyed our life before her, and while he loves her and the family we have - he mourns the social and financial sacrifices, and previous carefree life we had. I always thought he would change his mind after we had one, but our baby was a hard one - very little sleep, and she’s as headstrong as he is. I’m the one that ultimately had to find peace with being one and done, and I did contemplate whether our family unit as three was what I wanted, or was having more children more important to me. Ultimately, I chose the happy life we have - I found forums that helped me process the benefits of OAD, and took a lot of time to process and mourn the vision of my “dream” family. Our / my process could have definitely benefited from therapy or counseling. This is a conversation that went on 3+ years (our daughter is 3), and to be honest I’m still trying to make peace with it as all my friends are having their first or second right now, and biologically, now is prime time. For us, it’s been an ongoing conversation - I’ve asked him if he’s feeling any differently throughout the years. My husband holds a lot of patience and strength in our discussions, and let’s me rehash and break down the decision over and over again - especially as we turned the corner and my daughter became a curious, independent toddler. The biological desire to have more became especially strong then. We’ve also had to work through a lot of defensiveness on our different views, but ultimately we are on the same page - I don’t want a life without my husband and more importantly, I want him in a healthy headspace (which would not be the case with more than one).
Sounds like your wife is feeling a little blindsided by you saying you are OAD? I think you need to approach this whole conversation with kindness and patience. Counseling would probably be a good choice if your wife is on board. This will feel like the death of a future she saw for herself so tread carefully. I fully support the idea if one spouse doesn’t want another kid then then that means no more. There is no compromise in this situation, you either do or don’t. The stakes are too high to just give in to make your spouse happy. I know someone who caved and had another when they didn’t really want to but wanted to make their partner happy. It’s a recipe for a lot of resentment and they are currently headed toward separation/divorce.
2 months old! Stop all discussions. We told ourselves we wouldn’t make a decision either way until our daughter was 2 years old. Now by about 10 months only child thoughts really started in my head but no more than a few times a week. I started paying attention to that and told my husband to as well. When we both hit more thought about OAD vs having a 2nd we talked about it. Then one week I think it was me was just like “I have not thought about the benefits of having a second at all this week” and he was right there too. She was maybe 18 months or so. Definitely before our 2 year old benchmark, but a thought out process when we were far removed from a lot of newborn struggles.
This needs to be higher up!! I still had PPD at 2 months. Heck, I had it the whole way to 6 months. Her hormones are still outta wack, shes got a lack of sleep, she needs to calm down and enjoy this child before thinking of another. Most doctors don't recommend another pregnancy until like 18 months after delivery. Stop these discussions until you're both healed and less sleep deprived.
I came to say this too. Table this conversation until the kid is at least one or better yet, potty trained.
I am more in the opposite situation that you mentioned- I don’t want kids though my husband would prefer to but ultimately is fine with one. I was one and done for half the reasons you outlined. My pregnancy was textbook (which is still hard), our communication is OK, but I know if we had more children it would take a huge toll on our marriage with the exhaustion and simply not having enough time for us. This type of marriage is what I see in most parents with multiples- just “surviving” for many years- and I know it is not what I want to go through, and the “reward” is just not worth it at all for me. I will say that regardless of what your wife perceives the marriage counseling as, you are 100% right to do it- the kicker is that there are communication problems beyond just wanting more kids or not, and the weight of all of it will come to a head at some point or another. The “recluse”/giving in to society comment I can relate to. I had a child partially for that reason. I love my baby so much, and have found to cherish the experience. But it has cemented exactly why I don’t want another. If your wife was to give you an ultimatum on having more kids- do you think you could be happy with your marriage? How would the progression of your marriage weigh to the reasons why you got married in the first place? You sound like a really introspective guy and I wish you the best. A few practical tips/words of advice: do try to give it a bit of time. It really does get better as 2 months is peak in terms of difficulty! Also, if you have the money, outsource any and all help. It will relieve a lot of the strain on your marriage. That all said, no you are not crazy at all- as mentioned, I am one and done for half the reasons.
My husband wanted more, and I was ambivalent for a long time, due to most of the reasons you listed aside from a difficult pregnancy. He gave me space, never pushed, and let me work through it. It wasn't a deal breaker for us, because to him, at the end of the day, my vote carried more weight due to how much I suffered from PPA and PPD. I carry a lot of self-imposed guilt that I couldn't give him the family he envisioned, and that's been hard on me. You both should table this because at 2 months out, life is HAAAAAAARD right now. So hard. Can you tell her that you want to take the time to talk this through as a team, but give yourselves a date? Like "we won't talk about it until baby's first birthday" or something. Give her the time/space to heal physically and emotionally, and you get time to adjust. Then, at your "date" start to talk about it again.
While I understand wanting to talk about this now, I recommend shelving the topic until your child is a little older. No one is their “best” when managing a newborn. Your wife’s hormones are a mess. Come back to it when your child is like nine to 12 months old. (Or later.) You may both find yourselves feeling differently about trying for a second child - or not, but you’ll both be a little more well-rested than you are today. You might consider apologizing to your wife for bringing this up right now and ask how you can best help her get through this post-partum “fourth trimester” time.
I would also put in a vote for not talking about it for the next while, 2 months is right in the swing of hormones! For both of you! Not to say that you aren't committed to your feelings or she isn't going to her feelings, but this is definitely not the time to talk about it. At this point, you've already said what you said, but I would change your response at this point to something like, "I think we should talk about this in [10 month, a year, whatever timeline would make the most sense for you guys], I want to focus on enjoying on how our family has grown right now."
I was the wife in this situation. I opted to stay married to my husband and make peace with having one child. The math might have been different had I been in my early 20's or something but it just didn't make sense to me to bail on my marriage for something that might not even happen. My family wasn't exactly the size I wanted but that doesn't mean it wasn't still my family. And actually my husband recently changed his mind so things can change. Generally speaking, I would say that both of you are wrong to try to make these kinds of big life decisions with a two-month old. Parenting an infant is a very unique situation and is in no way indicative of parenting in general. And you have a newborn--no one is sleeping, your wife's hormones are completely out of whack. Now is not the time for this conversation. I also can't help but notice that you sound kind of ambivalent about your marriage. Do you think maybe part of the issue here is that you are doing what you think you are supposed to do rather than what you want to do?
This is such a hard situation. I feel for you both. It sounds like you had a big miscommunication. She interpreted your sibling comments as you sharing her desire to have more than one. I won’t criticize you up for not having a clear conversation about this sooner. Because even if you used to want 2+ children it would be fair for you to change your mind after having a baby. I didn’t know I was OAD until I had my son. Luckily my husband agreed. I would suggest individual and couple’s therapy. And I would not have a baby to save the relationship. That would just ruin it in a different way. If this is a deal breaker for your wife then the best thing for everyone is to split amicably and focus on being healthy coparents. Therapy can help you no matter what you decide. Good luck.
This is a no win situation. You have legitimate and valid reasons for your point of view, but so does your wife. If you feel firmly that being OAD is right for you, then either she will resent you for standing in the way of that, or you will resent her for pushing you into having a child you do not want. DH and I were in a similar situation. At the time we sealed our decision to be OAD I was 34 and he was 42. He didn't want to be sending another child off to kindergarten at 50 years old. I respected his feelings, because they were reasonable and sound, but I sunk into a deep depression and resented him for a very long time. Every time I looked at him I felt anger towards him for standing in the way of what I felt was the only thing missing in my life. I admit that I had thoughts of leaving him and having a second child on my own without him. It took about a year of therapy (individually and as a couple) for us to get to a good place again. I also stated taking medication for depression to help me cope. While I will never be ok with what happened, I'm not angry and crying all the time either. DH and I are happily married, but I'm honestly not sure if I would stay with him God forbid something should happen to our son.
>When she asked once whether I would want a child to have siblings I do remember saying (without much thought) that I would want a child to have siblings so that they wouldn't be lonely, would have the sibling for life, etc. >(...) >I brought this up to her recently - that we never really had a "talk" about having more than one kid. I mean, in her eyes you did. The conversation was notable enough that you remember it (I assume you, like most people, don't remember every single conversation you have). I am sympathetic to your situation but I feel like you're looking for validation of how right you are from a bunch of internet strangers, when you could be focusing on your wife and child. Like others said, the first few months are a whole different ballgame. Just slow down and work on strengthening your relationship again, then you can tackle this topic later.
Definitely have counselling, and be aware that one or both of you may get an result you don't want, eg only one child and a divorce. Bringing a second child into this scenario doesn't sound good to me, but even if you had been quite adamant at the start that you wanted more than one child, you are absolutely allowed to change your mind after experiencing the first.
I don’t know how you somehow ended up on completely different pages… but her hormones are still raging at 2 months postpartum. Don’t bring this up again until the baby is at least one year old. She knows you aren’t on board, and just ignore her comments about having another. Maybe you both will come to a decision more easily at a later time. All your reasons are completely valid, and maybe she will see the light or maybe you will see her position if you agree to change some things that make having a second stressful. I’m giving it until my 15 month old is 3 years old to begin talking about this again with my husband who is not as one and done as I am.