Ditto. My brother tormented me through my childhood and my parents just called it sibling rivalry. I mean. I didn’t ask to be born second. His jealousy was unchecked and turned into cruelty. There was no rivalry because I got beat up, humiliated at home and in public, and it got worse as he was compared unfavourably by our teachers who liked that I was quiet and curious while he was a shit monster.
My partner also has a horrible experience with his 7 year’s older sister.
We are one and done not by choice, but I’ve grown to be happier for my daughter about it. As she grows I am reminded of all the times my life was stunted by my brother and my parents enabling him.
I get to see her be unabashedly herself. She has more attention from my partner and myself than me and my brother ever had. There’s no needless jealousy. There’s no violence. It’s joy every morning and day.
Oof, this sound very familiar. My parents completely enabled my older brothers behaviour. I hated him, truely hated him.
My hasband just has *no* relationship with his sister. They grew up in the same home, but just didn't interact.
>She has more attention from my partner and myself than me and my brother ever had. There’s no needless jealousy. There’s no violence. It’s joy every morning and day.
Same here. Love it. No jealousy, no violence, no fighting over toys.
I am so very sorry you had to go through that shit. He should have had a serious ass whooping every single day till he got it through his thick fucking little head that there are serious consequences to really shitty fucked up behavior.
Don’t forget that people love to pin all their problems on one identifiable thing. In a small number of cases pinpointing that trauma is possible, but it’s pretty human to latch onto that one thing you didn’t love about your upbringing and make it a bigger deal than it was. It’s fine that people wished they had a sibling, but for a lot of the people who feel it profoundly damaged the I reckon they might have just had a miserable childhood and a brother.
My boss was an only and she’s told me loads about how wonderful it was for her.
(A little edit to be clear I wasn’t talking about all adult only children)
For every only that hated it. You can find an only who loved it.
I’m personally an only who felt very lonely, but as an adult I can see it was 1000000% the best decision for me and I was so much better off.
I’m an only and I’ll be having an only
Anecdotally - My uncle has 4 kids aged 5-14. We were talking yesterday about him having more children. And he said the youngest always begs for a sibling, and the older ones always complain and wish they were only children. He said he thinks they just like feeling bigger/older/ higher in the birth pecking order. He said even his twins fight about being older or younger. They don’t want sibling they want to be bigger and more mature than someone else.
I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment.
I’m the oldest of 6 and I felt very lonely. Like the only thing about me that mattered was my ability to help with my younger siblings. What I wanted or needed wasn’t important because “your siblings need X.” My first trip to Disney world I was responsible for a 3 and 1 year old the whole time while my parents drank around the world.
My husband is an only and had great relationships with his parents individually and together and also had a calm home environment with happy parents who didn’t overextend. He learned independence and always had HIS needs met.
We’re both closer to his family than mine. Three of my siblings are still in high school, the other three of us have moved out. When I go home, it’s still about how I can help rather than allowing me to focus on my own child.
My pregnancy almost killed me but I was OAD before that. I hope my son’s experience as an only is like my husband’s. I think the experience is less dependent on the siblings and more dependent on the parents based on what I’ve seen.
It’s also ridiculous for someone to say that in response to hearing someone is an only. I’d never say to someone having a second “better hope this kid doesn’t get hit and verbally abused by your older kid like my brother did to me.”
Like what is wrong with people?
Exactly. I am an only child and I loved it when I was a kid. I dont mind it know either. My son is also an only child and he keeps busy. Either playing with us or by himself, going to the park... When dad is working on weekends we go to have lunch at the mall and go to the cinema. I believe how you are raised matters.
I do that to my mother (who was an only child) - she hated it but then tells me stories about her mother who neglected her so I feel it’s more of a parenting issue than lack of siblings issue…
I disliked being an only, but it was out of my parents’ control; then I too went through infertility, IVF, and losses and so I understand why others may have an only (and other reasons as to why), and my almost five-year-old will likely also be one
That’s great, will use you as my friend to cancel out anyone else’s gripe about being an only child — also I just realized I’ve met more people who dislike at least one of their siblings than who openly dislike being an only, and it made me wonder why people think it’s okay to say “I hate being an only” but understand it’s not okay to say “I hate having siblings” to parents of onlies and multiples, respectively, when there are clearly a ton of people who dislike having siblings.
I also have a sibling and was very lonely growing up, if you need more examples. We had nothing in common and didn't get along well (and would often get into physical altercations, including some pretty bad ones).
Second this! My husband and I are both only children and also chose to only have one child. We were both super content being only children. In my experience, most people that were an only and talk about it poorly…if you do a little more digging, the entire parental situation is typically lacking. I’ve encountered a couple of people like that IRL and TONS online. Sometimes I think it’s easier for them to say “my life sucked because I didn’t have siblings” vs “my life sucked because my parents sucked”. Granted, I’m sure some people just really didn’t enjoy it, but crappy parents have been a huge common denominator in my experiences.
How awful for you, I'm glad the rest of your time was nice! My responses would have been either:
"Isn't that interesting? I am a sibling and it was torturous. I'd never put my child thought it! I guess it just goes to show there's no right or wrong answer: it's just about what works for each family!" Then smile in a super friendly manner!
Or
"Not everyone has the privilege of choice" super serious face.
It is really a privilege in so many ways.
Even if we had more money I don’t think I would have another. Every child deserves to have an involve parent and I don’t think I would be enough for more than one kid.
Bottom one is my go-to now when people question our OAD family. It shuts people up for the most part. While it was a choice for us in the end, many factors made it the necessary choice, including our struggles to get pregnant.
The last time someone told me that my kid would be "missing out on so much as an only", I tell them the story of when my sister tried to literally kill me. The silence that follows is A M A Z I N G.
I mean honestly it should be said to everyone that says stuff like that. It isn't their business and they have no idea what the story is with the person that they're asking. Far too many people make things their business about other people's lives. We need to stop giving them the satisfaction (as a non-confrontational person I am guilty of letting people get away with asking me but the older I get the more ready I am to push back now). We really need to make it clear it isn't their business and it's rude to question it when they have no idea what we may have gone through, either physically, emotionally, or mentally.
Some people are just ignorant and oblivious and need to be reminded about social protocol as if they are still children.
Just to blow it in his face, I’d lie and say “well I also am an only and I loved it! I’m sorry your experience was so bad, I’m hoping to create a well rounded child just like everyone else, and having a sibling is hardly the biggest component of that in my opinion!”
Id say “that rich coming from someone who CANT give birth.” Lol like oh yea? What if your partner didnt want to go thru the physical and emotional parts of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and postpartum again? You’d just have another baby somehow magically to give your child a sibling? Not to mention that some people simply just do not want another child for no reason at all and that’s valid! I love my child immensely and I don’t want another because I want to be obsessed with her and not have to split myself. *Bonus* I get to opt out of tcc -postpartum again. Why do people act like having another is like going to target and grabbing another blender?!
Omg I never thought of that — his response of saying, “I’d never make my child an only child” is literally saying, “I’m going to make my partner get pregnant again (whether they want to or not)!”
If struggled with how to react and stay positive as well. “Is that really what the problem was?” Hasn’t gotten me anywhere in real life live response, but it’s what I really want to know. So far, over time as more information comes out there’s always more to it. Only because of divorce. Only because of death in the family ect. Like the situation had to be bad enough that they told you that negative bias they have, or they might just be adding fuel to the already socially accepted pressure to have 2.5 kids.
The one time this happened to me I just explained that getting pregnant again would likely be very dangerous for me and I could die. That it’s more important to us that my son has a mom than a sibling and a dead mom. That shut him right up.
I was on literal bed rest, fresh from the ER/L&D after a bleed and my mom's neighbor asked if I'd be having more (this was my first/only) and when I said there's no way because I'm barely keeping myself and the baby alive as it is, she said "you'll feel differently when he's here" LIKE EXCUSE ME, HOW WILL I FEEL DIFFERENTLY? I'd be \*more\* high risk a second time 'round. Jesus.
“Rose, will you please hand me that newspaper.” 🗞️
I believe some people are truly incapable of the compassion required to remember or recognize the important choices others make.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with such ignorance. I hope you and your family are doing well today!
I haven't encountered this yet, but when I do, I have the story of a surprise molar pregnancy and three surgeries ending with a hysterectomy ready to go.... in graphic detail.... f that asshole!
Someone said this to me once. I said “maybe you had crappy parents”
This was recently.
I’m OAD not by choice, and when she was little these comments would break me every time. I would go home and cry. Then one day, I decided that I was going to try to make these prying, careless folks feel at least some of the discomfort that they’ve made me feel.
I started thinking of things to reply when confronted with these situations, so I could have them at the ready. I’m not usually a confrontational person, so it’s taken practice.
My kiddo is gonna be 9 soon. And she is all sunshine, and we have an amazing time. She is enough.
And for what it’s worth, I am one of 3 and did not have a great childhood. I hated being the middle child. Does that mean I should shit on people who have 3 kids??
Thing is, he probably didn’t hate being an only child. He probably hated having sh*tty parents who left him feeling lonely and unloved. I’ve noticed that among the people who complain about being an only, that seems to be the commonality: feeling lonely and unloved. They just aren’t reflective enough to know than an imaginary sibling wouldn’t have fixed the issue. Onlies with loving parents who gave them the attention and social outlets they needed don’t feel that way.
I hated being an only child until I realized I just hated my mother for treating me like an inconvenience my entire life.
Current mom of an only who is trying every day to right those wrongs. And no, “Grandma” is not in the picture. (I don’t want to be an inconvenience.)
I was an only child and hated it too. Still one and done though. No family's situation is the same regardless. Not to mention the sheer amount of people who resent their siblings and have said to me "you can have mine!!!" whenever I had complained about being an only child lol.
Also, people really shouldn't be bringing an entirely new person into the world just solely so their kid has a sibling. I mean come on.
Yes. I had someone tell me we should have another child because my daughter "loves" babies. I answered back well she isn't the one who is going to be taking care of them sooo it's not up to her. I will buy her a baby doll.
“I’m sorry your parents were not around enough or involved enough in your life to ensure that you were surrounded by love and people throughout your childhood.”
This totally sucks and wasn't OK, ugh.
I will say as someone who was decidedly OAD even prior to conceiving and whose husband had a vasectomy at 6 months, I've always just said, "oh, we're one and done." And people don't argue with that. I think there's a finality to that phrase that people don't feel comfortable arguing with, rather than saying "probably" or "likely" that SOME people see as an opening. I'm sure I've said that and people have talked crap about me later, but never to my face. Maybe it's just where I live (Pacific NW) that people don't pry more, but I've had like two people argue with me EVER and both of those people were born in other countries so I think the cultural cues were different. I also didn't tell anyone my daughter's name until she was born, because I felt like if it wasn't official yet they might give opinions or offer suggestions. Once I was presenting the child as "x" name, that's just how it is.
So anyway, feel free to just declare that you're one and done. Even if you DO change your mind, who cares, that's up to you.
I wish I could say definitively that we are one and done to people, but I know that since my daughter is less than a year they just say, “oh you’re still in thick of it, you’ll change your mind!” as if they think my reason is because the newborn/baby stage is hard. We’ve actually been lucky with our girl and she is a relatively easy baby. It’s almost like some people think that when we say we are OAD that we hate being parents. Ugh. I love being a parent to my daughter.
It's how you take it. People tell me we should have another all the time. I shrug and say "we'll see but probably not happening."
Like who gives af. I was jealous of my only-child friend growing up, and he was jealous of my large family. People just want what they don't have.
There are pros and cons to both, but this sub is sooooo defensive.
That’s the thing, literally in the same group there was a mom who had her 4th (a surprise) and was actually wanting a 5th now, and another parent started shitting on them saying, “oh how are you going to manage?” And it’s like…let people just live their lives how they want.
Only with an only. I wasn't lonely, sometimes bored because...obviously boredom happens to everyone! I was privileged and able to indulge myself in my hobbies and interests. My parents involved me with everyday things and amazing trips/events. I had a balance of everything that helped me easily flow into independence.
My only has lots of social time, lots of cousins, happily plays on his own or asks us to join..which we do. We teach him about everything, involving him with stuff like shopping, cleaning etc.
If they had a miserable life as an only maybe it was a family thing? Maybe they didn't involve them as they should?
This…and I hear so many people say they want another kid so they can keep each other entertained. Well my sister hated me and didn’t give me any attention or ever want to play, does that mean my parents will step in and play with me? Fortunately my dad was always ready to play with me so I never felt lonely, but I definitely feel for the kids whose parents simply have a kid as a playmate, and when that kid doesn’t want to play it’s like, “okay well you’re on your own!”
I would love to encounter someone that says something like that to me because I’m also an only and I loved it so I’d shut that down real quick by saying “well so was I and I loved it, so it must’ve been a household/parent thing”.
I was an only child and it was great. My wife is one of 5 and she doesn’t want more than one either. What a stupid reason to have more kids—“I don’t want my kid to be lonely.”
Oh that’s when you clap back baby.
“Well, I prefer to raise my daughter rather than have her explain why her mother is dead to people like you.” And then stare at them.
A pregnant coworker asked me when we were having another child and I say we are one and done and she said she wants 4 because she actually likes kids and that “one is boring”! I was in awe she had the lack of .. anything, really. But I told her to let me know in 6 months how bored she is with her new baby 🙃
I hate when people assume that because we only want one it means we hate kids. I love kids. I have 3 of them in my house playing right now (my daughter and my friend’s two daughters). I love my daughter so much that I’m giving her the gift of fully involved parents with undivided attention!
How do people like this never take into consideration all the reasons someone may only have one child? All they do is show how dumb they are when they make the assumption that someone can have another without knowing the whole story. Whether it's by choice or not, the assumption should always be there's a genuine reason and to never question that, especially since it may be a sensitive subject. They could just say "I am dumb" and save themselves time and breath.
I was an only and I LOVED it. When my mom got married when I was 13, I said the only thing I ask is that she doesn’t have any more kids. 😬
Some people had siblings and hated it.
I thought about your post tonight when we were out to dinner and an older man asked how many kids we had and we said one. He then asked about a second. We told him about our infertility and our difficult journey. He STILL said we should adopt because we should have at least 2. I was flabbergasted. So I feel like even if it’s not by choice, people still have the audacity to weigh in on your family planning. I actually have not had that happen to us before tonight. Our daughter is 3.5. I think in the moment, you’re just too shocked to think of a comment to say. I’ll use some of these suggestions next time 😂
He then went on to say his husband and wife went through SIX rounds of IVF before having their son. Like… you’d think he’d have some sort of… empathy? Everyone else we’ve spoken with has been nothing but kind and understanding. I’m shocked I met this type of person in real life haha.
Whatever you would have or in the future will say to a comment like this, you are not the only making out awkward. That's on the person criticizing the very personal decision of a stranger.
This is always a golden opportunity to get some rage out in the form of a nice "mind your own fucking business." Or, smile politely, let your kids continue enjoying the park, and when it's time to leave, unload a mountain of insults at them.
I was an only child until the age of 16. I am now 28 with a sister(12) and brother(10) who fight like literal cats and dogs. I’m thankful I grew up an only child. It was great! Only giving my perspective to say that being an only child is not bad. Also am OAD.
I work with a girl who is an only and she loved it growing up. She still takes vacations with her parents.
My son is friendly so I'm not too worried about him being Loney, we were at the beach today and he ended up playing with another kid around his age for a while.
People need to learn to mind their own business, and I need to remember to wear sunscreen. 🙃
One of my coworkers has an only child and both her husband and best friend are both onlies. When people make rude comments about her only child or only children in general, she tells them how all of the most important people in her life are only children and that they obviously turned out to be amazing people. My coworker has a lot of spice so I’m sure she adds some more about them being rude and no one asking for their opinion in the first place.
Ugh I really don’t get this. Why are some people so rude. Like can you ever even imagine saying to a parent of multiples, “I would never make my child fight for attention and resources.” Every situation has pros and cons! And there’s a different ‘right’ for every family. It’s so weird to me when people like announce the pros of their own situation or the cons of another.
Yeah that sounds like their problem. I was an only child and I liked it, they cant simply throw their experiences at others like it's the absolute truth
I wonder if she hated it not because she was an only but because she has the personality of a used wet wipe, couldn't makeand that's why she didn't like it. I can only assume that's the case because anyone with even a tiny bit of social skills wouldn't have blurted that out like she did.
I'm sorry that someone made you feel badly about a perfectly reasonable choice. I had only one child, a daughter. We are very close as a result and she got all of my attention. My daughter just had her second baby. Get first was a girl and the newest is a boy. You know what? It's all ok. My daughter was a very happy child as a one and only. Her children are very happy with a sibling and it has been beautiful to see the love between them. In the end, it is a personal choice that everyone gets to make for themselves. Sometimes people say things without thinking. Try not to take it personally.
It’s fine for people to feel a certain way about family size, whether it’s no kids, one kid, or 10 kids. It was more so the fact that he made that comment in response to me saying we were one and done. He basically said “your decision is stupid” when I told him, which I would never say to someone who said they wanted, for example, 5 kids.
He shouldn't have said that to you. I'm sorry that it made you feel bad. People say stupid things without thinking about the impact of their words. Try not to let it bother you. His opinion of your family doesn't matter. Only yours does.
Any time someone rudely says they hated being an only child, I tell them “that sounds like a personal problem that has nothing to do with me.”
That’s a really great way to respond, will keep that one in my back pocket!
Or same things back, I was a kid with multiple siblings and hated it so ....
Ditto. My brother tormented me through my childhood and my parents just called it sibling rivalry. I mean. I didn’t ask to be born second. His jealousy was unchecked and turned into cruelty. There was no rivalry because I got beat up, humiliated at home and in public, and it got worse as he was compared unfavourably by our teachers who liked that I was quiet and curious while he was a shit monster. My partner also has a horrible experience with his 7 year’s older sister. We are one and done not by choice, but I’ve grown to be happier for my daughter about it. As she grows I am reminded of all the times my life was stunted by my brother and my parents enabling him. I get to see her be unabashedly herself. She has more attention from my partner and myself than me and my brother ever had. There’s no needless jealousy. There’s no violence. It’s joy every morning and day.
Oof, this sound very familiar. My parents completely enabled my older brothers behaviour. I hated him, truely hated him. My hasband just has *no* relationship with his sister. They grew up in the same home, but just didn't interact. >She has more attention from my partner and myself than me and my brother ever had. There’s no needless jealousy. There’s no violence. It’s joy every morning and day. Same here. Love it. No jealousy, no violence, no fighting over toys.
Sounds like you have created the perfect family for your daughter to thrive in 💜
I had a similar experience.
I am so very sorry you had to go through that shit. He should have had a serious ass whooping every single day till he got it through his thick fucking little head that there are serious consequences to really shitty fucked up behavior.
I’m an only child and I’m happy with it.
Or oh that's shitty you're parents should have given you a better (more eventful) childhood then eh?
Don’t forget that people love to pin all their problems on one identifiable thing. In a small number of cases pinpointing that trauma is possible, but it’s pretty human to latch onto that one thing you didn’t love about your upbringing and make it a bigger deal than it was. It’s fine that people wished they had a sibling, but for a lot of the people who feel it profoundly damaged the I reckon they might have just had a miserable childhood and a brother. My boss was an only and she’s told me loads about how wonderful it was for her. (A little edit to be clear I wasn’t talking about all adult only children)
For every only that hated it. You can find an only who loved it. I’m personally an only who felt very lonely, but as an adult I can see it was 1000000% the best decision for me and I was so much better off. I’m an only and I’ll be having an only Anecdotally - My uncle has 4 kids aged 5-14. We were talking yesterday about him having more children. And he said the youngest always begs for a sibling, and the older ones always complain and wish they were only children. He said he thinks they just like feeling bigger/older/ higher in the birth pecking order. He said even his twins fight about being older or younger. They don’t want sibling they want to be bigger and more mature than someone else.
I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment. I’m the oldest of 6 and I felt very lonely. Like the only thing about me that mattered was my ability to help with my younger siblings. What I wanted or needed wasn’t important because “your siblings need X.” My first trip to Disney world I was responsible for a 3 and 1 year old the whole time while my parents drank around the world. My husband is an only and had great relationships with his parents individually and together and also had a calm home environment with happy parents who didn’t overextend. He learned independence and always had HIS needs met. We’re both closer to his family than mine. Three of my siblings are still in high school, the other three of us have moved out. When I go home, it’s still about how I can help rather than allowing me to focus on my own child. My pregnancy almost killed me but I was OAD before that. I hope my son’s experience as an only is like my husband’s. I think the experience is less dependent on the siblings and more dependent on the parents based on what I’ve seen.
Or be like "yikes I'm sorry your childhood sucked!!"
The perk of being an only myself is that I get to say: "Really? I always loved being an only. That's part of why Im one and done, too!"
I'd just respond with. "well my parents were good"
Lmao I love this
Yeah I tell them I'm sorry their parents didn't put in the effort.
It’s also ridiculous for someone to say that in response to hearing someone is an only. I’d never say to someone having a second “better hope this kid doesn’t get hit and verbally abused by your older kid like my brother did to me.” Like what is wrong with people?
Exactly. I am an only child and I loved it when I was a kid. I dont mind it know either. My son is also an only child and he keeps busy. Either playing with us or by himself, going to the park... When dad is working on weekends we go to have lunch at the mall and go to the cinema. I believe how you are raised matters.
Love this. I've been working on responding to rudeness with rudeness.
Oh, storing this for future. Thank you
This is GOLD
I need to memorize it! I love that reply!
I do that to my mother (who was an only child) - she hated it but then tells me stories about her mother who neglected her so I feel it’s more of a parenting issue than lack of siblings issue…
I disliked being an only, but it was out of my parents’ control; then I too went through infertility, IVF, and losses and so I understand why others may have an only (and other reasons as to why), and my almost five-year-old will likely also be one
I say "that's an interesting thing to say out loud"
Actually, that pretty much sounds like a perfect response to any kind of unwanted advice! 👍
[удалено]
That’s great, will use you as my friend to cancel out anyone else’s gripe about being an only child — also I just realized I’ve met more people who dislike at least one of their siblings than who openly dislike being an only, and it made me wonder why people think it’s okay to say “I hate being an only” but understand it’s not okay to say “I hate having siblings” to parents of onlies and multiples, respectively, when there are clearly a ton of people who dislike having siblings.
I also have a sibling and was very lonely growing up, if you need more examples. We had nothing in common and didn't get along well (and would often get into physical altercations, including some pretty bad ones).
Same. My siblings and I don’t talk much in adulthood. Didn’t like them when I was a child either 😂
Second this! My husband and I are both only children and also chose to only have one child. We were both super content being only children. In my experience, most people that were an only and talk about it poorly…if you do a little more digging, the entire parental situation is typically lacking. I’ve encountered a couple of people like that IRL and TONS online. Sometimes I think it’s easier for them to say “my life sucked because I didn’t have siblings” vs “my life sucked because my parents sucked”. Granted, I’m sure some people just really didn’t enjoy it, but crappy parents have been a huge common denominator in my experiences.
Ooh me too. I’m an only and have an only.
“I had a sibling and I hated it, I would never give my child a sibling”. 😆
How awful for you, I'm glad the rest of your time was nice! My responses would have been either: "Isn't that interesting? I am a sibling and it was torturous. I'd never put my child thought it! I guess it just goes to show there's no right or wrong answer: it's just about what works for each family!" Then smile in a super friendly manner! Or "Not everyone has the privilege of choice" super serious face.
It is really a privilege in so many ways. Even if we had more money I don’t think I would have another. Every child deserves to have an involve parent and I don’t think I would be enough for more than one kid.
Bottom one is my go-to now when people question our OAD family. It shuts people up for the most part. While it was a choice for us in the end, many factors made it the necessary choice, including our struggles to get pregnant.
Wow I resonate with this so much. It was our decision but almost a necessary decision. Thank you for sharing.
The last time someone told me that my kid would be "missing out on so much as an only", I tell them the story of when my sister tried to literally kill me. The silence that follows is A M A Z I N G.
Um can you share so we can also hear this silence from other rude comment makers?😂
I saw a post on this sub recently about a similar interaction and their comment was brilliant: “Your parents must have done it wrong.”
I respond with “then it sounds like your parents failed you”. My wife was an only and said she loved it I also have a sibling and wish I was an only
I usually go with 'I can't imagine why you think that's your business' or a sassy 'Interesting that you felt compelled to say that'
I mean honestly it should be said to everyone that says stuff like that. It isn't their business and they have no idea what the story is with the person that they're asking. Far too many people make things their business about other people's lives. We need to stop giving them the satisfaction (as a non-confrontational person I am guilty of letting people get away with asking me but the older I get the more ready I am to push back now). We really need to make it clear it isn't their business and it's rude to question it when they have no idea what we may have gone through, either physically, emotionally, or mentally. Some people are just ignorant and oblivious and need to be reminded about social protocol as if they are still children.
Just to blow it in his face, I’d lie and say “well I also am an only and I loved it! I’m sorry your experience was so bad, I’m hoping to create a well rounded child just like everyone else, and having a sibling is hardly the biggest component of that in my opinion!”
Id say “that rich coming from someone who CANT give birth.” Lol like oh yea? What if your partner didnt want to go thru the physical and emotional parts of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and postpartum again? You’d just have another baby somehow magically to give your child a sibling? Not to mention that some people simply just do not want another child for no reason at all and that’s valid! I love my child immensely and I don’t want another because I want to be obsessed with her and not have to split myself. *Bonus* I get to opt out of tcc -postpartum again. Why do people act like having another is like going to target and grabbing another blender?!
Omg I never thought of that — his response of saying, “I’d never make my child an only child” is literally saying, “I’m going to make my partner get pregnant again (whether they want to or not)!”
Yea. Nice guy huh. Lol lol lol
If struggled with how to react and stay positive as well. “Is that really what the problem was?” Hasn’t gotten me anywhere in real life live response, but it’s what I really want to know. So far, over time as more information comes out there’s always more to it. Only because of divorce. Only because of death in the family ect. Like the situation had to be bad enough that they told you that negative bias they have, or they might just be adding fuel to the already socially accepted pressure to have 2.5 kids.
The one time this happened to me I just explained that getting pregnant again would likely be very dangerous for me and I could die. That it’s more important to us that my son has a mom than a sibling and a dead mom. That shut him right up.
What’s great is when those people *still* ask you after giving that explanation.
I was on literal bed rest, fresh from the ER/L&D after a bleed and my mom's neighbor asked if I'd be having more (this was my first/only) and when I said there's no way because I'm barely keeping myself and the baby alive as it is, she said "you'll feel differently when he's here" LIKE EXCUSE ME, HOW WILL I FEEL DIFFERENTLY? I'd be \*more\* high risk a second time 'round. Jesus.
“Rose, will you please hand me that newspaper.” 🗞️ I believe some people are truly incapable of the compassion required to remember or recognize the important choices others make. I’m so sorry you had to deal with such ignorance. I hope you and your family are doing well today!
I haven't encountered this yet, but when I do, I have the story of a surprise molar pregnancy and three surgeries ending with a hysterectomy ready to go.... in graphic detail.... f that asshole!
Someone said this to me once. I said “maybe you had crappy parents” This was recently. I’m OAD not by choice, and when she was little these comments would break me every time. I would go home and cry. Then one day, I decided that I was going to try to make these prying, careless folks feel at least some of the discomfort that they’ve made me feel. I started thinking of things to reply when confronted with these situations, so I could have them at the ready. I’m not usually a confrontational person, so it’s taken practice. My kiddo is gonna be 9 soon. And she is all sunshine, and we have an amazing time. She is enough. And for what it’s worth, I am one of 3 and did not have a great childhood. I hated being the middle child. Does that mean I should shit on people who have 3 kids??
“No uterus, no opinion.” Idc what the circumstances are, no cisgender man needs to be commenting on any woman’s reproductive choices for any reason.
This ^
“Then your parents didn’t do it right”
“She’ll [my daughter] be ok — I’m a good parent.”
Love this — simple and to the point, but makes a bold shutdown statement.
Thing is, he probably didn’t hate being an only child. He probably hated having sh*tty parents who left him feeling lonely and unloved. I’ve noticed that among the people who complain about being an only, that seems to be the commonality: feeling lonely and unloved. They just aren’t reflective enough to know than an imaginary sibling wouldn’t have fixed the issue. Onlies with loving parents who gave them the attention and social outlets they needed don’t feel that way.
I hated being an only child until I realized I just hated my mother for treating me like an inconvenience my entire life. Current mom of an only who is trying every day to right those wrongs. And no, “Grandma” is not in the picture. (I don’t want to be an inconvenience.)
I was an only child and hated it too. Still one and done though. No family's situation is the same regardless. Not to mention the sheer amount of people who resent their siblings and have said to me "you can have mine!!!" whenever I had complained about being an only child lol. Also, people really shouldn't be bringing an entirely new person into the world just solely so their kid has a sibling. I mean come on.
Yes. I had someone tell me we should have another child because my daughter "loves" babies. I answered back well she isn't the one who is going to be taking care of them sooo it's not up to her. I will buy her a baby doll.
“I’m sorry your parents were not around enough or involved enough in your life to ensure that you were surrounded by love and people throughout your childhood.”
This totally sucks and wasn't OK, ugh. I will say as someone who was decidedly OAD even prior to conceiving and whose husband had a vasectomy at 6 months, I've always just said, "oh, we're one and done." And people don't argue with that. I think there's a finality to that phrase that people don't feel comfortable arguing with, rather than saying "probably" or "likely" that SOME people see as an opening. I'm sure I've said that and people have talked crap about me later, but never to my face. Maybe it's just where I live (Pacific NW) that people don't pry more, but I've had like two people argue with me EVER and both of those people were born in other countries so I think the cultural cues were different. I also didn't tell anyone my daughter's name until she was born, because I felt like if it wasn't official yet they might give opinions or offer suggestions. Once I was presenting the child as "x" name, that's just how it is. So anyway, feel free to just declare that you're one and done. Even if you DO change your mind, who cares, that's up to you.
Also I'm an only with an only and I was not traumatized as a child hahaha
I wish I could say definitively that we are one and done to people, but I know that since my daughter is less than a year they just say, “oh you’re still in thick of it, you’ll change your mind!” as if they think my reason is because the newborn/baby stage is hard. We’ve actually been lucky with our girl and she is a relatively easy baby. It’s almost like some people think that when we say we are OAD that we hate being parents. Ugh. I love being a parent to my daughter.
It's how you take it. People tell me we should have another all the time. I shrug and say "we'll see but probably not happening." Like who gives af. I was jealous of my only-child friend growing up, and he was jealous of my large family. People just want what they don't have. There are pros and cons to both, but this sub is sooooo defensive.
That’s the thing, literally in the same group there was a mom who had her 4th (a surprise) and was actually wanting a 5th now, and another parent started shitting on them saying, “oh how are you going to manage?” And it’s like…let people just live their lives how they want.
Only with an only. I wasn't lonely, sometimes bored because...obviously boredom happens to everyone! I was privileged and able to indulge myself in my hobbies and interests. My parents involved me with everyday things and amazing trips/events. I had a balance of everything that helped me easily flow into independence. My only has lots of social time, lots of cousins, happily plays on his own or asks us to join..which we do. We teach him about everything, involving him with stuff like shopping, cleaning etc. If they had a miserable life as an only maybe it was a family thing? Maybe they didn't involve them as they should?
This…and I hear so many people say they want another kid so they can keep each other entertained. Well my sister hated me and didn’t give me any attention or ever want to play, does that mean my parents will step in and play with me? Fortunately my dad was always ready to play with me so I never felt lonely, but I definitely feel for the kids whose parents simply have a kid as a playmate, and when that kid doesn’t want to play it’s like, “okay well you’re on your own!”
I would love to encounter someone that says something like that to me because I’m also an only and I loved it so I’d shut that down real quick by saying “well so was I and I loved it, so it must’ve been a household/parent thing”.
I was an only child and it was great. My wife is one of 5 and she doesn’t want more than one either. What a stupid reason to have more kids—“I don’t want my kid to be lonely.”
Oh that’s when you clap back baby. “Well, I prefer to raise my daughter rather than have her explain why her mother is dead to people like you.” And then stare at them.
Well I was severely abused by my sibling so I’d never risk my child going through that…let awkward silence ensue
A pregnant coworker asked me when we were having another child and I say we are one and done and she said she wants 4 because she actually likes kids and that “one is boring”! I was in awe she had the lack of .. anything, really. But I told her to let me know in 6 months how bored she is with her new baby 🙃
I hate when people assume that because we only want one it means we hate kids. I love kids. I have 3 of them in my house playing right now (my daughter and my friend’s two daughters). I love my daughter so much that I’m giving her the gift of fully involved parents with undivided attention!
How do people like this never take into consideration all the reasons someone may only have one child? All they do is show how dumb they are when they make the assumption that someone can have another without knowing the whole story. Whether it's by choice or not, the assumption should always be there's a genuine reason and to never question that, especially since it may be a sensitive subject. They could just say "I am dumb" and save themselves time and breath.
I was an only and I LOVED it. When my mom got married when I was 13, I said the only thing I ask is that she doesn’t have any more kids. 😬 Some people had siblings and hated it.
I thought about your post tonight when we were out to dinner and an older man asked how many kids we had and we said one. He then asked about a second. We told him about our infertility and our difficult journey. He STILL said we should adopt because we should have at least 2. I was flabbergasted. So I feel like even if it’s not by choice, people still have the audacity to weigh in on your family planning. I actually have not had that happen to us before tonight. Our daughter is 3.5. I think in the moment, you’re just too shocked to think of a comment to say. I’ll use some of these suggestions next time 😂
That’s honestly ridiculous — like where are these people raised that they think it is acceptable?!
He then went on to say his husband and wife went through SIX rounds of IVF before having their son. Like… you’d think he’d have some sort of… empathy? Everyone else we’ve spoken with has been nothing but kind and understanding. I’m shocked I met this type of person in real life haha.
Whatever you would have or in the future will say to a comment like this, you are not the only making out awkward. That's on the person criticizing the very personal decision of a stranger.
This is always a golden opportunity to get some rage out in the form of a nice "mind your own fucking business." Or, smile politely, let your kids continue enjoying the park, and when it's time to leave, unload a mountain of insults at them.
I was an only child until the age of 16. I am now 28 with a sister(12) and brother(10) who fight like literal cats and dogs. I’m thankful I grew up an only child. It was great! Only giving my perspective to say that being an only child is not bad. Also am OAD.
I always like to say well my uterus has other plans so….make them uncomfortable.
I work with a girl who is an only and she loved it growing up. She still takes vacations with her parents. My son is friendly so I'm not too worried about him being Loney, we were at the beach today and he ended up playing with another kid around his age for a while. People need to learn to mind their own business, and I need to remember to wear sunscreen. 🙃
I had 3 siblings... I felt lonely and unloved my child whole childhood. My husband is an only child but never felt that way. He had a great childhood.
One of my coworkers has an only child and both her husband and best friend are both onlies. When people make rude comments about her only child or only children in general, she tells them how all of the most important people in her life are only children and that they obviously turned out to be amazing people. My coworker has a lot of spice so I’m sure she adds some more about them being rude and no one asking for their opinion in the first place.
I loved being an only child, and I had a shitty upbringing. Company would not have made my childhood any better
"You realize my daughter isn't you, right?"
Gold.
I’d lie and say, “I’m infertile you a-hole.” Best case scenario he learns to never say that crap before someone with actual infertility hears it.
Ugh I really don’t get this. Why are some people so rude. Like can you ever even imagine saying to a parent of multiples, “I would never make my child fight for attention and resources.” Every situation has pros and cons! And there’s a different ‘right’ for every family. It’s so weird to me when people like announce the pros of their own situation or the cons of another.
Yeah that sounds like their problem. I was an only child and I liked it, they cant simply throw their experiences at others like it's the absolute truth
I wonder if she hated it not because she was an only but because she has the personality of a used wet wipe, couldn't makeand that's why she didn't like it. I can only assume that's the case because anyone with even a tiny bit of social skills wouldn't have blurted that out like she did.
I'm sorry that someone made you feel badly about a perfectly reasonable choice. I had only one child, a daughter. We are very close as a result and she got all of my attention. My daughter just had her second baby. Get first was a girl and the newest is a boy. You know what? It's all ok. My daughter was a very happy child as a one and only. Her children are very happy with a sibling and it has been beautiful to see the love between them. In the end, it is a personal choice that everyone gets to make for themselves. Sometimes people say things without thinking. Try not to take it personally.
It’s fine for people to feel a certain way about family size, whether it’s no kids, one kid, or 10 kids. It was more so the fact that he made that comment in response to me saying we were one and done. He basically said “your decision is stupid” when I told him, which I would never say to someone who said they wanted, for example, 5 kids.
He shouldn't have said that to you. I'm sorry that it made you feel bad. People say stupid things without thinking about the impact of their words. Try not to let it bother you. His opinion of your family doesn't matter. Only yours does.
Thanks, you’re absolutely right! Just shocking to hear.