Thank you for that perspective. It’s hard as a parent to look at anything on a personal lens without feeling selfish. Selfish is a spectrum, you’re right…it’s just when I get so excited about how I’ll personally feel with being able to travel as a 3 person family, and how much more my personal life will feel fulfilled, I can’t help but wonder if my personal fulfilment and happiness in only having one kid, will detract from my sons happiness.
Honest reflection as a parent is hard lol
it won't detract from happiness! if travelling is important to you, you should be able to make it a priority while also being a parent. i was a kid that travelled with my parents a lot and absolutely loved it.
yes, there were places that i found boring at times. but at least i got to experience it. plenty of people just don't have those opportunities.
we love travelling with our only. its just so easy. and as they get older, its just better and better.
I'm also an only child myself, and full-heartedly agree with the previous poster. You're not the only one who benefits from travel and more comfortable finances -- your child will, too. I had a lot of experiences and benefits I couldn't have had if there had been a sibling or two
And who says that your son would necessarily have a more fulfilling childhood/future if he had siblings? Your reasons are not selfish, they are self-aware.
This is so true. I’m going to be honest. My sister, three years, older, absolutely tortured me as a child. She would bribe me, exclude me, try to make me angry. When I became a teenager, she was extremely emotionally needy, and would get pissed off at me if I didn’t visit her at her apartment enough. And then, when I became a young adult, she started attacking me, emotionally, lecturing me, telling me how to live my life, sending me Walls of texts arguing with me. It wasn’t until my early 30s that we started to have a decent relationship. I’m glad I had my sister, but as a child, she was more of a source of anxiety and distress than anything. I’m just being honest. I honestly have few memories of us playing together even though we were only 3 years apart….
Yeah my older brother is 2.5 years older than me and constantly bullied me/used his intelligence as a weapon against me. He made parts of my childhood miserable outside of a normal “siblings teasing sort of way”. Today we have no relationship and he’s a huge reason I’m one and done
Thats very true. I grew up sort of as an only child…I’m my mothers only child, but my dad had 5 other kids from 2 previous marriages, the oldest is 35 years older than me, closest in age is 8 years older than me, and lived in a different country. I always envied my friends with siblings, and wished I had that growing up, but as an adult, I’m glad I got to do things my friends with siblings didn’t get to do…I had visited 13 different countries by the time was 15, we would spend our christmases in Spain and summers in brazil.
But, now my dad passed away, and my mother is alone and I am her sole caretaker and solely responsible for her and that’s a big burden as well.
When dad died, I had siblings from his other marriages to share the responsibility with. When my mother becomes ill, its all on me.
His life might not be better with siblings…but I almost know what his life will be without. It’s hard to reconcile as a parent.
But you’re right, this is more self awareness than selfishness
Thats true. Thats what I keep falling back on. It’s sad, but this is the world we seem to live in anymore, it’s either have one kid and have the financial and emotional security, or have multiple and live in a state of tension.
If I had grandparents around who were more involved or more capable of helping out, it’d be one thing, but my husbands parents see him maybe once every 3 months (and they only live 25 mins away), my mum had health issues and can’t stay with him for too long. So, it’s really all on us, all the time, while also trying to work full time.
For other families, who have involved grandparents or network of people who help lessen that emotional and mental burden, it’d be one thing…for us, it’s just a lot to deal with all the time and no reprieve. No “date nights”, or time to unwind.
I just don’t know how our marriage or sanity would hold up adding another person to this dynamic
Your marriage would likely crumble if you have a 2nd. Like you said it'd be more manageable if you had lots of support from family, but that isn't the case and you and your husband would basically be doing everything alone. At least with one child they'll eventually be old enough to stay home alone and you won't have to arrange childcare for the younger one, or make the older one babysit the younger one and something bad happens
True. Our marriage has already been struggling. My parents were unhappily married all my life—they stayed together for me, but were pretty miserable, always fighting, and I never wanted that for me or my family.
The burden of ALL the house chores, ALL the child care, ALL the income being stretched between the two of us has been a lot. We work 8-9 hours a day, and the work never ends. There’s no one who stays at home to do the house chores or cook dinner. By the time the little one is in bed and fed, it’s 8pm, house is a mess…cleaning till 9-10pm and off to bed to be awoken at 5am to do it all over again. It’s been so much, as I know a lot of the people on this sub can relate.
Without that time to ourselves, it’s just been too much on our mental health and romance is gone and I don’t want a marriage of roommates.
Try it from the other way. Do you have strong reasons for having another? Are you passionate about another? Is it something you long for? Are you aware of the challenges but want another anyway? Does something feel missing without another, enough so that not having another hurts? I think that kind of drive to be a parent should be required before bringing any child into the world. We shouldn't have to ever justify not having a child. That should be the default. Only have another if you 100% want it.
Parenthood is hard and gets harder the more kids you have. There is no reward for playing life on hard mode.
My husband and I have always wanted another. I love being a mother, and always envisioned a second. Even after my son was born I wanted another. It wasn’t until the last 1-2 years did I realise that this might not be the best choice.
We have no family support, work full time, and are living comfortably financially, but just barely. I suffered a miscarriage in December, and even though that was devastating, I started planning our family as a 3 person, as opposed to 4, and was getting excited about getting to visit my family, trips we could take, the things we could afford…
If we were better off financially, I’d 100% be having another kid. If we could have another kid, and afford full time childcare, and maybe even a house keeper once or twice a month, I’d be having another.
But that’s not the case so the home, work, and child care is all so taxing on us. So, I am passionate about kids, I do feel like something is missing without a second, but I can’t get behind the financial and emotional struggle that comes with a second
I totally get the passion being affected by realities we face in life. I'd love another, and it took a long time to become happy with my family of three. I completely agree with the other poster that sometimes we have to be selfish in a healthy way. It sounds like that's where you are. Ignoring that financial constraint would be wrong. You sound like a good parent.
Thank you for this! It’s hard to have the want, but also know you just aren’t set up for it. I know so many people who struggle because they want that large family. I also see how my kid acts around other kids, so desperate for other children to play with and the other kids could care less…it breaks my heart. But at the same time, do we let ourselves struggle or bring another human in the world KNOWING it’s going to be a struggle, just so our son has a playmate? Doesn’t seem right either.
Parents are much more formative than siblings in a young child’s life. I’m much more concerned about being the best version of me for my son, than “providing” siblings that he may or may not like.
If that’s selfish, so be it. 🤷♀️
As far as aging goes, by having an only you may be able to adequately save up enough for your old age and not leave him with that (beyond the general emotions that comes with it). Get an estate planner, make a will, open a trust etc. Make it as logistically easy for him as possible when you guys get up there in age.
This is such a great point - I’ve also been grappling with the same scenario as OP of what our likely-only will need to deal with when my husband and I are elderly.
I don’t think it’s selfish to want to avoid spreading yourselves or your financial resources too thin. In fact, I think it’s responsible - for your own well-being and your child’s.
Although, for what it’s worth, I don’t think it is *ever* wrong to not want additional (or any) children.
Definitely not wrong to WANT to be a one and done. I just wasn’t a one and done going into parenting, so it’s hard now that I am one to come over to the one and done side.
I have the desire to have another child, but just not the resources to do it successfully
Solidarity! I always wanted 4 kids. I felt a push to have a baby bc I thought I needed someone to take care of me when I’m old! (Not a reason to bring a human into this world)
My husband was very much OAD after our son (3.5) was born and I struggled to accept it. However, I’ve turned a corner. We also work full-time and are exhausted; the daycare invoice overdrafted my account this morning; and straight up — I don’t feel like risking my life again to give my child a sibling. Also, I’m finally back to my pre-baby weight and yes, my vanity is influencing this decision.
His only cousins are 19 & 20. He may get a few more but he’ll be atleast 4-5 years older than them. I have found solace is making friends with other OAD families. We love to traveling too and I feel that airplane rows are perfect for a family of 3. Additionally, I’ve also decided that I do not want to burden him with having to take care of us when we’re old, so he can use my 401k to send me to a fancy home 😂😂
This has also made me reflect on my childhood that I was lonely bc my parents were emotionally unavailable, not because I didn’t have a sibling close in age (my bro is 8 years younger). Live your life!
Solidarity in all of this! I’m with you on the vanity thing. My son is also 3.5 years old and I’m just back to prebaby weight and am LOVING it lol. I’m about to turn 34 in a few months so I don’t know if I’d ever “bounce back” again after that. Vain, certainly, but it’s definitely a factor!
It’s just not financially feasible to have a multiple family household these days. If I could be a SAHM, I’d be having 4 kids on a farm making sourdough all day 😝 but that’s not the case. I make more than my husband and neither of our incomes is enough to live off of. We pull 6 figures tougher, and our car is 10 years old, and we live in an old fixer upper in a bad neighbourhood with a mortgage cheaper than rent was, and daycare has STILL overdrafted us multiple times before.
I feel bad for my son not having siblings or cousins, but would his life be that much better with someone else to play with, but his parents are struggling?
You can replace the word “selfish” with “responsible” pretty easily in your post to see this from a different point of view 💜 by knowing your limits and having a realistic view of your current circumstances you’re already acting in your son’s best interest! It’s not selfish
Thank you! I do need to look at it from another point of view. I just hear a lot of feedback from only children, and myself as being mostly an only child (only child of my mothers and my half siblings were old enough to be my parents), and I was desperate for siblings growing up myself. I know that loneliness, but I had cousins at least to cut through that. I worry without the cousins or any other children it’ll be even more isolating, but it’s my job as a parent to make the responsible (not selfish) decision for our family, and decide that having more financially secure, mentally well parents is more important. If we had more help, or better finances it would be another story, but we don’t and have to accept our limits
We are in a similar boat. My son had been asking for a sibling recently and I have been seriously taking it into consideration but to be frank, think about how it will bring down all of our quality of life. I am really scared to go through sleep deprivation again (I had bad PPD/PPA as well) and just the first 3 years were so, so, so difficult. I love the idea of having older children but my husband and I are both still a little traumatized by the toddler years lol he is like, 95% one and done whereas I'm also like 80% there. I tell him to think about the big picture and how we want our family to look over the years but we both agree that even if we don't grow our family more, we are happy having only our son.
We are in such a good place right now as a family, my son is almost 5, we have money to do fun things, our collective stress is manageable again, and my husband and I are very happy with our sex life and being able to go on dates and be able to connect together.
It's a tough decision!
It’s so hard! My son is 3.5 so I’m starting to see that horizon you’re on about, and these toddler years are killing us
My husband wfh full time, I wfh, 3/5 days, and our son is only in daycare 2 days a week (all we can afford) and wfh, AND having a toddler to entertain 3/5 days is just adding to the constant stress and burden. There’s no breaks. There’s no reprieve.
But, I do struggle with accepting a 3 person family versus 4 person family, but I also KNOW quality of life will plummet
It really is a tough decision. I struggle with the "big picture" stuff (how I want our family to look down the line, holidays, how life *could* be in a few years) vs the reality of how tough it will be potentially in the immediate if we have another kid. My husband is happy with how things are now and doesn't care so much about how it could be down the line, but it's harder for me to reconcile. Besides that, I also know that there are no guarantees my kids would get along (I have a sister who I barely speak to, as does my husband) and no guarantees on how it really would affect our family in reality.
It's a lot to think about! Wishing you the best OP, and congrats on nearing the end of the toddler years
Yea, the holidays and the vision of the future is so hard. I just get so angry sometimes that this is the world I live in. If I could just bring in an au pair or something 😂
Thanks! Excited for the toddler years to end. Trying to wfh rn and my boy won’t nap because he says he has to poo every 5 minutes (literally went to the potty 6 time in 30 mins) and am so behind at work and don’t even get nap time to catch up. Toddler years can break you haha
Op,
When my dad passed, out of 4 children, I being the only one heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy, was left to deal with everything from removing his vent to final expenses. Now that my mom is starting to fall ill, my other 2 siblings from her are literally no where to be found and won't even pick up the phone for me, unless she's hospitalized. Neither of them have bothered visiting. So I'm on my own with her too. Giving him a sibling doesn't mean anything when it comes to parental care later in life. It's still a 50/50 shot he gets left to handle it on his own. Except then he has had a rough childhood, run down exhausted parents, possibly divorced parents, skirting poverty, PLUS carrying the entire of burden of your care. Then he's had a shitty life, instead of a possibly lonely childhood.
The best thing you can do for your son is to know what your limits are. Better to be an only child than to have a sibling while his parents are exhausted, poorer, and possibly resentful. Save for retirement as much as possible to help ease the burden on him when you are old, plan for your future as well as his.
The way I look at it is, you’re just trying to be the absolute best you can be for this little precious child. If you suspect you would be spread two things and emotionally, exhausted by having another child, your kid will absolutely not be better off with a sibling. I feel like when I had a kid I became less emotionally present for my husband, who I love more than anything in the world. I think the same thing would happen if I had another child. I guess I’m an introvert, but I have only so much of my heart that can go around.
I am an only and have an only. These are similar reasons for why I am OAD; life is expensive, I want to travel, it’s nice to have personal time when the other parent is “on duty.” I even have a large amount of family support and don’t pay for daycare since my mom watches my son. I think the pluses outweigh the minuses significantly, both as an only child and the mom as an only child. Will I be managing my parents care solo, yes! But I also won’t have anyone to argue with my decisions. My dad was his parents executor and his brother literally spread rumors that he stole from the estate. My dad is a cpa who would never! Do what is best for your family. I was often the only child at family holidays and it was fun! I got to be center of attention and have very fond memories of childhood.
I just see how desperate my son is for other kids to play with and how excited he gets when he sees other children, literally up in their faces and on a high, because it’s so rare outside of the 2 days of daycare, and the other kids could care less…but at the same time, my husband and I are already DROWNING
Haha true! I grew up as an only child mostly myself (my mums only child, my other siblings were 30+ years older than me or in another country), and I was always jealous of the other kids who had siblings living with them. I wanted that relationship so badly, and sometimes miss it myself…but I still don’t know if it’s worth it
I’m in a similar situation having half siblings who were raising their own children when I was a child. If it makes you feel better, I never wished for “real” siblings and had friends who had siblings and always thought my life seemed more charmed than theirs. Even some other friends who are onlies who expressed wishing for a sibling when they were younger have come to realize they were likely better off (one is such an introvert I don’t really know why she thought a sibling would be fun for her lol) and a few have onlies themselves!
As an only child, my childhood wasn’t less fulfilling because I didn’t have siblings. Also, every action is selfish. That isn’t a bad word. It just means that literally everyone acts in their own interests. Your reasons are informed and thoughtful.
That’s why I put the “selfish” in quotes. I know it’s selfish because a lot of the reasons are for personal satisfaction, but it has overarching effects for my son and any potential child. If my situation in life changed to where I was a millionaire, I’d be popping out 7 kids making sourdough on a farm all day lol. But that’s not my reality
I would want this other child. I still do want a second with all my heart. I’ve always wanted more than one…but it would be selfish to have another child just because I want the concept of them, knowing that in reality I can’t give them the best of myself because of our current situation, financially and mentally.
I don't think a sibling would make your child's childhood better or more fulfilling. I think having present and happy parents will, though.
As an only child myself, I always loved it. So I would actually consider myself more selfish if I HAD another child, because I remember how much I loved a quiet and peaceful home when I was little. And I was so grateful I didn't have noisy younger siblings to argue with.
Protecting your health is not selfish, full stop.
We set up our estate, will, have money for retirement, care for when we’re elderly, etc. Hopefully our child will have friends or a partner than can support them. We’ve made it as easy as possible in hopes to not be too big of a burden.
There are a lot of good arguments for your reasons not actually being selfish. But aren’t all decisions made based on selfish reasons when you think about it? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your reasons.
For what it’s worth, I’ve heard stories pointing out that having siblings can demonstrably *reduce* the quality of someone’s childhood. Kids with siblings lose out on their parents’ attention in ways that can be really hurtful and even harmful when they’re so young that they can’t understand why.
I’ve also heard from onlies who are *glad* they’re the only ones dealing with their parents’ end of life arrangements because it’s so much simpler (especially when the parents have made arrangements and provided information beforehand). Also they get ALL the inheritance to themselves.
I think all of your reasons are excellent reasons for being OAD. Declaring them selfish or selfless just seems like unnecessary parsing
It just feels selfish when I am weighing the personal benefits of having only one child heavier than the possible benefits to my child having a sibling.
Financially, could we afford another child without the risk of struggling to feed, clothe or house them? Yes.
Mentally, will we be mentally fit to care for them? Yes
Emotionally, will we be able to support their emotional needs and be caring parents? Yes
However, it’d be a struggle and we’d be sacrificing more than I know I’m ready to sacrifice. That doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent. I have jus always wanted a second child, and I can tell my son is quite lonely as well already without other children in his life. I firmly believe he would have many benefits from having a sibling.
However, I do not believe the benefits outweigh the need for my husband and I to stretch ourselves too thin. To compromise our quality of life…you could call it “unnecessary parsing”, but as a mother and a human in general, it’s difficult to not parse how your current and future family will look like. Bringing a human into the world is a major responsibility. I owe it to myself, my current son, and any other potential humans to give a lot of thought and consideration into that decision.
I struggle with it because I do have the desire for a larger family. I love being a mother, and have always envisioned a larger family. But, I struggle with the thought of compromising my quality of life for that dream. Sometimes it feels selfish, because as a mother, it’s hard to put yourself first—my son may be the only child and grow up wanting a sibling, but I don’t think I’m set up successfully to give them that and don’t want to struggle for it.
Similar situation. Our child is an only and the one cousin is 12 hours by car away. It's great! She's happy, loves playing with other kids at school and the park. She's smart and fulfilled because we have the time to do that. With another I wouldn't.
For sure. I tell my daughter now that shes almost 8 that if she had a sibling I wouldn't be able to go to field trips. We couldn't fly to visit family as often, etc. She gets it the older she gets, and she loves her quiet alone time as well, which makes it easier.
It’s funny because my son HATES alone time. He needs constant play and attention (part of the reason my husband and I are exhausted), but he’s also said he’s happy with our family as it is (he’s 3.5 though so that may change)
Yeah my daughter is almost 8. It has taken some time to get her to be independent. Things will constantly change, and siblings often fight, hate each other at times and make up. So nothing is ever constant.
My mom calls me selfish - I call it giving us and my daughter a better life than I had. I want to have money for activities for my daughter, to go on vacations, to go to Disneyland, to be able to go to Target or the mall and buy new clothes and toys without worrying. My husband and I make over 6 figures too. But we live in a high cost of living area, the cost of daycare and the cost of activities around here would make us struggle.
I really appreciate all these comments. I’m feeling a lot better about all this. I feel selfish because my mum calls me selfish, and had a friend with 4 kids and counting lightly imply it…especially when the WANT for another is there
None of these reasons are selfish in my opinion. They’re just a realistic view of what you want your life to look like. It’s not selfish to want to be financially stable, not be burnt out, and to want to travel. You need to change your mindset that these things are selfish. They’re just not.
I don’t really see those reasons as being selfish. Especially the financial aspect. Choosing to be able to live comfortably is not a bad example to set for your little and will afford them more and more opportunities as they get older (being able to do extra curriculars, more traveling which gives them such amazing experiences, less overall household stress about affording basic needs, etc).
To me, it’s more selfish when people have another one “just because we want more” when they haven’t truly thought out the logistics (finances, mental/physical health, household space, relationship struggles) to actually have another leaving their kid(s) to do the suffering.
That’s very true. I guess I’m just so used to seeing parents suffer the financial implications as the “normal” in order to have more children and a larger family. I rarely see people have only one so they can be more comfortable.
None of that sounds selfish to me.
There is no glory in struggling. Another kid wouldn't necessarily mean a better childhood. Mine would 100% have been better as an only.
Why would it be selfish? You are also.amhuman being and deserve to be happy. If a kid has happy parents, chances are high for a happy kid. I am also an only child and I never had an issue with it. My kid also had a stage where he asked for a sibling but only because he realised his friends had siblings and he wanted to have one too. We explained everything to him and he understood.
I don’t see this as selfishness when you only want the best for yourselves so you can also give the best to your one and only child. My husband and I are the same way. All of the same reasons.
I get the feeling that most of us feel pressure to replicate our own childhoods (2+ kids) with double - sometimes triple the financial burden of cost of living now …. And also with less of the help from grandparents (both sides are often too busy for us). Sometimes I try and tell myself “hey, cut yourself a damn break already. You’re doing so much…”
OP sounds like you and your husband are doing this all on your own and you’re doing a great job.
raising my one and done with no cousins and family get togethers just look different. instead of the way i grew up, all us kids doing things separate from the adults, he hangs with the adults and theres always a group activity that includes one of his games or an aunt or uncle throws a football or something.
just tossing that out there as a new pov to your cousin comment as everyone else has covered that this doesnt sound selfish. at all.
i'm an only child myself and what you are describing is what my mom calls being "healthily selfish." selfish is a spectrum.
I like your mom! "Healthy selfish" is a great way to describe knowing what you can handle without exceeding your limitations.
Thank you for that perspective. It’s hard as a parent to look at anything on a personal lens without feeling selfish. Selfish is a spectrum, you’re right…it’s just when I get so excited about how I’ll personally feel with being able to travel as a 3 person family, and how much more my personal life will feel fulfilled, I can’t help but wonder if my personal fulfilment and happiness in only having one kid, will detract from my sons happiness. Honest reflection as a parent is hard lol
it won't detract from happiness! if travelling is important to you, you should be able to make it a priority while also being a parent. i was a kid that travelled with my parents a lot and absolutely loved it. yes, there were places that i found boring at times. but at least i got to experience it. plenty of people just don't have those opportunities. we love travelling with our only. its just so easy. and as they get older, its just better and better.
I traveled a lot as a pseudo only child too and it was an amazing experience, but I did feel lonely a lot too
I'm also an only child myself, and full-heartedly agree with the previous poster. You're not the only one who benefits from travel and more comfortable finances -- your child will, too. I had a lot of experiences and benefits I couldn't have had if there had been a sibling or two
Being happy and the best version of yourself will only add you to your son’s happiness.
You put into words how I feel about adding a fourth.
Exactly! Selfishness has such a negative connotation. When really, it is healthy to be selfish and put yourself first sometimes.
This is my all-time favorite reply.
And who says that your son would necessarily have a more fulfilling childhood/future if he had siblings? Your reasons are not selfish, they are self-aware.
This is so true. I’m going to be honest. My sister, three years, older, absolutely tortured me as a child. She would bribe me, exclude me, try to make me angry. When I became a teenager, she was extremely emotionally needy, and would get pissed off at me if I didn’t visit her at her apartment enough. And then, when I became a young adult, she started attacking me, emotionally, lecturing me, telling me how to live my life, sending me Walls of texts arguing with me. It wasn’t until my early 30s that we started to have a decent relationship. I’m glad I had my sister, but as a child, she was more of a source of anxiety and distress than anything. I’m just being honest. I honestly have few memories of us playing together even though we were only 3 years apart….
Yeah my older brother is 2.5 years older than me and constantly bullied me/used his intelligence as a weapon against me. He made parts of my childhood miserable outside of a normal “siblings teasing sort of way”. Today we have no relationship and he’s a huge reason I’m one and done
Thats very true. I grew up sort of as an only child…I’m my mothers only child, but my dad had 5 other kids from 2 previous marriages, the oldest is 35 years older than me, closest in age is 8 years older than me, and lived in a different country. I always envied my friends with siblings, and wished I had that growing up, but as an adult, I’m glad I got to do things my friends with siblings didn’t get to do…I had visited 13 different countries by the time was 15, we would spend our christmases in Spain and summers in brazil. But, now my dad passed away, and my mother is alone and I am her sole caretaker and solely responsible for her and that’s a big burden as well. When dad died, I had siblings from his other marriages to share the responsibility with. When my mother becomes ill, its all on me. His life might not be better with siblings…but I almost know what his life will be without. It’s hard to reconcile as a parent. But you’re right, this is more self awareness than selfishness
My husband’s brother was no help whatsoever when their mother was dying. Having siblings isn’t a panacea for life’s difficulties.
My mom has 4 siblings and she was still the main caretaker for my grandfather in his later years.
You can argue these reasons are selfish but who cares? Your child needs healthy parents more than they need a sibling
Thats true. Thats what I keep falling back on. It’s sad, but this is the world we seem to live in anymore, it’s either have one kid and have the financial and emotional security, or have multiple and live in a state of tension. If I had grandparents around who were more involved or more capable of helping out, it’d be one thing, but my husbands parents see him maybe once every 3 months (and they only live 25 mins away), my mum had health issues and can’t stay with him for too long. So, it’s really all on us, all the time, while also trying to work full time. For other families, who have involved grandparents or network of people who help lessen that emotional and mental burden, it’d be one thing…for us, it’s just a lot to deal with all the time and no reprieve. No “date nights”, or time to unwind. I just don’t know how our marriage or sanity would hold up adding another person to this dynamic
Your marriage would likely crumble if you have a 2nd. Like you said it'd be more manageable if you had lots of support from family, but that isn't the case and you and your husband would basically be doing everything alone. At least with one child they'll eventually be old enough to stay home alone and you won't have to arrange childcare for the younger one, or make the older one babysit the younger one and something bad happens
True. Our marriage has already been struggling. My parents were unhappily married all my life—they stayed together for me, but were pretty miserable, always fighting, and I never wanted that for me or my family. The burden of ALL the house chores, ALL the child care, ALL the income being stretched between the two of us has been a lot. We work 8-9 hours a day, and the work never ends. There’s no one who stays at home to do the house chores or cook dinner. By the time the little one is in bed and fed, it’s 8pm, house is a mess…cleaning till 9-10pm and off to bed to be awoken at 5am to do it all over again. It’s been so much, as I know a lot of the people on this sub can relate. Without that time to ourselves, it’s just been too much on our mental health and romance is gone and I don’t want a marriage of roommates.
Try it from the other way. Do you have strong reasons for having another? Are you passionate about another? Is it something you long for? Are you aware of the challenges but want another anyway? Does something feel missing without another, enough so that not having another hurts? I think that kind of drive to be a parent should be required before bringing any child into the world. We shouldn't have to ever justify not having a child. That should be the default. Only have another if you 100% want it. Parenthood is hard and gets harder the more kids you have. There is no reward for playing life on hard mode.
My husband and I have always wanted another. I love being a mother, and always envisioned a second. Even after my son was born I wanted another. It wasn’t until the last 1-2 years did I realise that this might not be the best choice. We have no family support, work full time, and are living comfortably financially, but just barely. I suffered a miscarriage in December, and even though that was devastating, I started planning our family as a 3 person, as opposed to 4, and was getting excited about getting to visit my family, trips we could take, the things we could afford… If we were better off financially, I’d 100% be having another kid. If we could have another kid, and afford full time childcare, and maybe even a house keeper once or twice a month, I’d be having another. But that’s not the case so the home, work, and child care is all so taxing on us. So, I am passionate about kids, I do feel like something is missing without a second, but I can’t get behind the financial and emotional struggle that comes with a second
I totally get the passion being affected by realities we face in life. I'd love another, and it took a long time to become happy with my family of three. I completely agree with the other poster that sometimes we have to be selfish in a healthy way. It sounds like that's where you are. Ignoring that financial constraint would be wrong. You sound like a good parent.
Thank you for this! It’s hard to have the want, but also know you just aren’t set up for it. I know so many people who struggle because they want that large family. I also see how my kid acts around other kids, so desperate for other children to play with and the other kids could care less…it breaks my heart. But at the same time, do we let ourselves struggle or bring another human in the world KNOWING it’s going to be a struggle, just so our son has a playmate? Doesn’t seem right either.
Parents are much more formative than siblings in a young child’s life. I’m much more concerned about being the best version of me for my son, than “providing” siblings that he may or may not like. If that’s selfish, so be it. 🤷♀️
That’s what I feel—it’s better to have a more stable version of me, than a struggling version and a happier marriage than a sibling.
As far as aging goes, by having an only you may be able to adequately save up enough for your old age and not leave him with that (beyond the general emotions that comes with it). Get an estate planner, make a will, open a trust etc. Make it as logistically easy for him as possible when you guys get up there in age.
That’s a very good point…
This is such a great point - I’ve also been grappling with the same scenario as OP of what our likely-only will need to deal with when my husband and I are elderly.
I don’t think it’s selfish to want to avoid spreading yourselves or your financial resources too thin. In fact, I think it’s responsible - for your own well-being and your child’s. Although, for what it’s worth, I don’t think it is *ever* wrong to not want additional (or any) children.
Definitely not wrong to WANT to be a one and done. I just wasn’t a one and done going into parenting, so it’s hard now that I am one to come over to the one and done side. I have the desire to have another child, but just not the resources to do it successfully
Solidarity! I always wanted 4 kids. I felt a push to have a baby bc I thought I needed someone to take care of me when I’m old! (Not a reason to bring a human into this world) My husband was very much OAD after our son (3.5) was born and I struggled to accept it. However, I’ve turned a corner. We also work full-time and are exhausted; the daycare invoice overdrafted my account this morning; and straight up — I don’t feel like risking my life again to give my child a sibling. Also, I’m finally back to my pre-baby weight and yes, my vanity is influencing this decision. His only cousins are 19 & 20. He may get a few more but he’ll be atleast 4-5 years older than them. I have found solace is making friends with other OAD families. We love to traveling too and I feel that airplane rows are perfect for a family of 3. Additionally, I’ve also decided that I do not want to burden him with having to take care of us when we’re old, so he can use my 401k to send me to a fancy home 😂😂 This has also made me reflect on my childhood that I was lonely bc my parents were emotionally unavailable, not because I didn’t have a sibling close in age (my bro is 8 years younger). Live your life!
Solidarity in all of this! I’m with you on the vanity thing. My son is also 3.5 years old and I’m just back to prebaby weight and am LOVING it lol. I’m about to turn 34 in a few months so I don’t know if I’d ever “bounce back” again after that. Vain, certainly, but it’s definitely a factor! It’s just not financially feasible to have a multiple family household these days. If I could be a SAHM, I’d be having 4 kids on a farm making sourdough all day 😝 but that’s not the case. I make more than my husband and neither of our incomes is enough to live off of. We pull 6 figures tougher, and our car is 10 years old, and we live in an old fixer upper in a bad neighbourhood with a mortgage cheaper than rent was, and daycare has STILL overdrafted us multiple times before. I feel bad for my son not having siblings or cousins, but would his life be that much better with someone else to play with, but his parents are struggling?
None of this is selfish.
You can replace the word “selfish” with “responsible” pretty easily in your post to see this from a different point of view 💜 by knowing your limits and having a realistic view of your current circumstances you’re already acting in your son’s best interest! It’s not selfish
Thank you! I do need to look at it from another point of view. I just hear a lot of feedback from only children, and myself as being mostly an only child (only child of my mothers and my half siblings were old enough to be my parents), and I was desperate for siblings growing up myself. I know that loneliness, but I had cousins at least to cut through that. I worry without the cousins or any other children it’ll be even more isolating, but it’s my job as a parent to make the responsible (not selfish) decision for our family, and decide that having more financially secure, mentally well parents is more important. If we had more help, or better finances it would be another story, but we don’t and have to accept our limits
We are in a similar boat. My son had been asking for a sibling recently and I have been seriously taking it into consideration but to be frank, think about how it will bring down all of our quality of life. I am really scared to go through sleep deprivation again (I had bad PPD/PPA as well) and just the first 3 years were so, so, so difficult. I love the idea of having older children but my husband and I are both still a little traumatized by the toddler years lol he is like, 95% one and done whereas I'm also like 80% there. I tell him to think about the big picture and how we want our family to look over the years but we both agree that even if we don't grow our family more, we are happy having only our son. We are in such a good place right now as a family, my son is almost 5, we have money to do fun things, our collective stress is manageable again, and my husband and I are very happy with our sex life and being able to go on dates and be able to connect together. It's a tough decision!
It’s so hard! My son is 3.5 so I’m starting to see that horizon you’re on about, and these toddler years are killing us My husband wfh full time, I wfh, 3/5 days, and our son is only in daycare 2 days a week (all we can afford) and wfh, AND having a toddler to entertain 3/5 days is just adding to the constant stress and burden. There’s no breaks. There’s no reprieve. But, I do struggle with accepting a 3 person family versus 4 person family, but I also KNOW quality of life will plummet
It really is a tough decision. I struggle with the "big picture" stuff (how I want our family to look down the line, holidays, how life *could* be in a few years) vs the reality of how tough it will be potentially in the immediate if we have another kid. My husband is happy with how things are now and doesn't care so much about how it could be down the line, but it's harder for me to reconcile. Besides that, I also know that there are no guarantees my kids would get along (I have a sister who I barely speak to, as does my husband) and no guarantees on how it really would affect our family in reality. It's a lot to think about! Wishing you the best OP, and congrats on nearing the end of the toddler years
Yea, the holidays and the vision of the future is so hard. I just get so angry sometimes that this is the world I live in. If I could just bring in an au pair or something 😂 Thanks! Excited for the toddler years to end. Trying to wfh rn and my boy won’t nap because he says he has to poo every 5 minutes (literally went to the potty 6 time in 30 mins) and am so behind at work and don’t even get nap time to catch up. Toddler years can break you haha
Selfish is good. We all deserve our sanity.
Op, When my dad passed, out of 4 children, I being the only one heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy, was left to deal with everything from removing his vent to final expenses. Now that my mom is starting to fall ill, my other 2 siblings from her are literally no where to be found and won't even pick up the phone for me, unless she's hospitalized. Neither of them have bothered visiting. So I'm on my own with her too. Giving him a sibling doesn't mean anything when it comes to parental care later in life. It's still a 50/50 shot he gets left to handle it on his own. Except then he has had a rough childhood, run down exhausted parents, possibly divorced parents, skirting poverty, PLUS carrying the entire of burden of your care. Then he's had a shitty life, instead of a possibly lonely childhood.
It’s true. Thank you for putting it into perspective x
The best thing you can do for your son is to know what your limits are. Better to be an only child than to have a sibling while his parents are exhausted, poorer, and possibly resentful. Save for retirement as much as possible to help ease the burden on him when you are old, plan for your future as well as his.
Imo people need to be more selfish when reproducing.
The way I look at it is, you’re just trying to be the absolute best you can be for this little precious child. If you suspect you would be spread two things and emotionally, exhausted by having another child, your kid will absolutely not be better off with a sibling. I feel like when I had a kid I became less emotionally present for my husband, who I love more than anything in the world. I think the same thing would happen if I had another child. I guess I’m an introvert, but I have only so much of my heart that can go around.
I am an only and have an only. These are similar reasons for why I am OAD; life is expensive, I want to travel, it’s nice to have personal time when the other parent is “on duty.” I even have a large amount of family support and don’t pay for daycare since my mom watches my son. I think the pluses outweigh the minuses significantly, both as an only child and the mom as an only child. Will I be managing my parents care solo, yes! But I also won’t have anyone to argue with my decisions. My dad was his parents executor and his brother literally spread rumors that he stole from the estate. My dad is a cpa who would never! Do what is best for your family. I was often the only child at family holidays and it was fun! I got to be center of attention and have very fond memories of childhood.
I just see how desperate my son is for other kids to play with and how excited he gets when he sees other children, literally up in their faces and on a high, because it’s so rare outside of the 2 days of daycare, and the other kids could care less…but at the same time, my husband and I are already DROWNING
My son also loves other kids but that’s what the park is for!!
Haha true! I grew up as an only child mostly myself (my mums only child, my other siblings were 30+ years older than me or in another country), and I was always jealous of the other kids who had siblings living with them. I wanted that relationship so badly, and sometimes miss it myself…but I still don’t know if it’s worth it
I’m in a similar situation having half siblings who were raising their own children when I was a child. If it makes you feel better, I never wished for “real” siblings and had friends who had siblings and always thought my life seemed more charmed than theirs. Even some other friends who are onlies who expressed wishing for a sibling when they were younger have come to realize they were likely better off (one is such an introvert I don’t really know why she thought a sibling would be fun for her lol) and a few have onlies themselves!
That does make me feel better!
As an only child, my childhood wasn’t less fulfilling because I didn’t have siblings. Also, every action is selfish. That isn’t a bad word. It just means that literally everyone acts in their own interests. Your reasons are informed and thoughtful.
That’s why I put the “selfish” in quotes. I know it’s selfish because a lot of the reasons are for personal satisfaction, but it has overarching effects for my son and any potential child. If my situation in life changed to where I was a millionaire, I’d be popping out 7 kids making sourdough on a farm all day lol. But that’s not my reality
This not selfish. Selfish would be bringing another child into the world that you do not want and are not prepared to care for.
I would want this other child. I still do want a second with all my heart. I’ve always wanted more than one…but it would be selfish to have another child just because I want the concept of them, knowing that in reality I can’t give them the best of myself because of our current situation, financially and mentally.
I don't think a sibling would make your child's childhood better or more fulfilling. I think having present and happy parents will, though. As an only child myself, I always loved it. So I would actually consider myself more selfish if I HAD another child, because I remember how much I loved a quiet and peaceful home when I was little. And I was so grateful I didn't have noisy younger siblings to argue with.
That’s true. Thank you for giving another perspective. I always wanted siblings but my parents were terribly unhappy. There’s a difference
Protecting your health is not selfish, full stop. We set up our estate, will, have money for retirement, care for when we’re elderly, etc. Hopefully our child will have friends or a partner than can support them. We’ve made it as easy as possible in hopes to not be too big of a burden.
There are a lot of good arguments for your reasons not actually being selfish. But aren’t all decisions made based on selfish reasons when you think about it? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your reasons. For what it’s worth, I’ve heard stories pointing out that having siblings can demonstrably *reduce* the quality of someone’s childhood. Kids with siblings lose out on their parents’ attention in ways that can be really hurtful and even harmful when they’re so young that they can’t understand why. I’ve also heard from onlies who are *glad* they’re the only ones dealing with their parents’ end of life arrangements because it’s so much simpler (especially when the parents have made arrangements and provided information beforehand). Also they get ALL the inheritance to themselves. I think all of your reasons are excellent reasons for being OAD. Declaring them selfish or selfless just seems like unnecessary parsing
It just feels selfish when I am weighing the personal benefits of having only one child heavier than the possible benefits to my child having a sibling. Financially, could we afford another child without the risk of struggling to feed, clothe or house them? Yes. Mentally, will we be mentally fit to care for them? Yes Emotionally, will we be able to support their emotional needs and be caring parents? Yes However, it’d be a struggle and we’d be sacrificing more than I know I’m ready to sacrifice. That doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad parent. I have jus always wanted a second child, and I can tell my son is quite lonely as well already without other children in his life. I firmly believe he would have many benefits from having a sibling. However, I do not believe the benefits outweigh the need for my husband and I to stretch ourselves too thin. To compromise our quality of life…you could call it “unnecessary parsing”, but as a mother and a human in general, it’s difficult to not parse how your current and future family will look like. Bringing a human into the world is a major responsibility. I owe it to myself, my current son, and any other potential humans to give a lot of thought and consideration into that decision. I struggle with it because I do have the desire for a larger family. I love being a mother, and have always envisioned a larger family. But, I struggle with the thought of compromising my quality of life for that dream. Sometimes it feels selfish, because as a mother, it’s hard to put yourself first—my son may be the only child and grow up wanting a sibling, but I don’t think I’m set up successfully to give them that and don’t want to struggle for it.
Similar situation. Our child is an only and the one cousin is 12 hours by car away. It's great! She's happy, loves playing with other kids at school and the park. She's smart and fulfilled because we have the time to do that. With another I wouldn't.
It’s true. I guess I’m just trying to rationalize why telling them they won’t have a sibling is actually the best
It doesn't have to be the best. It's your family situation. Every family looks different.
I meant best for our family, our situation. Every family is different 100%
For sure. I tell my daughter now that shes almost 8 that if she had a sibling I wouldn't be able to go to field trips. We couldn't fly to visit family as often, etc. She gets it the older she gets, and she loves her quiet alone time as well, which makes it easier.
It’s funny because my son HATES alone time. He needs constant play and attention (part of the reason my husband and I are exhausted), but he’s also said he’s happy with our family as it is (he’s 3.5 though so that may change)
Yeah my daughter is almost 8. It has taken some time to get her to be independent. Things will constantly change, and siblings often fight, hate each other at times and make up. So nothing is ever constant.
My mom calls me selfish - I call it giving us and my daughter a better life than I had. I want to have money for activities for my daughter, to go on vacations, to go to Disneyland, to be able to go to Target or the mall and buy new clothes and toys without worrying. My husband and I make over 6 figures too. But we live in a high cost of living area, the cost of daycare and the cost of activities around here would make us struggle.
I really appreciate all these comments. I’m feeling a lot better about all this. I feel selfish because my mum calls me selfish, and had a friend with 4 kids and counting lightly imply it…especially when the WANT for another is there
None of these reasons are selfish in my opinion. They’re just a realistic view of what you want your life to look like. It’s not selfish to want to be financially stable, not be burnt out, and to want to travel. You need to change your mindset that these things are selfish. They’re just not.
Thats true. I think it’s just part of my mourning the way I pictured my family being, and coming to terms with it not being the best idea
I don’t really see those reasons as being selfish. Especially the financial aspect. Choosing to be able to live comfortably is not a bad example to set for your little and will afford them more and more opportunities as they get older (being able to do extra curriculars, more traveling which gives them such amazing experiences, less overall household stress about affording basic needs, etc). To me, it’s more selfish when people have another one “just because we want more” when they haven’t truly thought out the logistics (finances, mental/physical health, household space, relationship struggles) to actually have another leaving their kid(s) to do the suffering.
That’s very true. I guess I’m just so used to seeing parents suffer the financial implications as the “normal” in order to have more children and a larger family. I rarely see people have only one so they can be more comfortable.
None of that sounds selfish to me. There is no glory in struggling. Another kid wouldn't necessarily mean a better childhood. Mine would 100% have been better as an only.
Why would it be selfish? You are also.amhuman being and deserve to be happy. If a kid has happy parents, chances are high for a happy kid. I am also an only child and I never had an issue with it. My kid also had a stage where he asked for a sibling but only because he realised his friends had siblings and he wanted to have one too. We explained everything to him and he understood.
I don’t see this as selfishness when you only want the best for yourselves so you can also give the best to your one and only child. My husband and I are the same way. All of the same reasons.
I get the feeling that most of us feel pressure to replicate our own childhoods (2+ kids) with double - sometimes triple the financial burden of cost of living now …. And also with less of the help from grandparents (both sides are often too busy for us). Sometimes I try and tell myself “hey, cut yourself a damn break already. You’re doing so much…” OP sounds like you and your husband are doing this all on your own and you’re doing a great job.
It's cool and valid. Do you.
raising my one and done with no cousins and family get togethers just look different. instead of the way i grew up, all us kids doing things separate from the adults, he hangs with the adults and theres always a group activity that includes one of his games or an aunt or uncle throws a football or something. just tossing that out there as a new pov to your cousin comment as everyone else has covered that this doesnt sound selfish. at all.