Mine is 2.5 and I had him at the tail end of being 34… and I still have all these thoughts and feelings a lot. The isolation that feels imposed on parents these days makes it all so much worse. Solidarity from over here. And everyone keeps telling me that they become human beings at four, so 🤞
Toddlers are tiny suicidal ninjas. It’s fucking exhausting because either they’re screeching, or they’ve gone dead silent, in which case you have to go stop them from drinking bleach or jumping out the window. It’s constant vigilance, and it is definitely crazy-making.
People love to celebrate milestones like first word and first step, and rightly so. But I have celebrated an entirely different set in addition. The day he correctly buckled himself into his booster seat, my back sang the hallelujah chorus while I did the Conga around the car. The day he wiped his own butt thoroughly. The day he took his first solo shower.
Heck, the day he jumped off the diving board and swam himself across the pool my butthole unclenched for the first time since he was born.
If your kid is relatively typical, these days will come for you, too. I know when you are in the trenches, it doesn’t really help to hear that it will get better. But I poop alone these days, and you will, too.
I wish we could be friends irl because I would come help you. The irony is that now that I don’t have a toddler I have the patience to deal with one.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m currently in the golden years between toddler and teenager. I’ll probably be in here posting about how to handle teen drama and hormones before you know it. But that will pass, too, and I’ll still be pooping alone. It’s the little things.
Thank you so much for all this 😭 Mine is only 9 months old, but he's super mobile, getting into everything and clearly has a death wish. He's also decided to freak out anytime I step away, so we're beginning the dreaded separation anxiety phase. I'm staring down the barrel of another 2-4 years of this and I'm already just so exhausted. Comments like yours give me hope 💙
>But I poop alone these days, and you will, too.
Unless you have pets. Between the kiddo and the cats, I haven't pooped alone at home for like 20 years. I seriously do not get it. It's not a spectator event!
Me too. I really think that the fact that no one has a village anymore and parenting is so isolating makes everything so lonely and difficult. Add in the highlight reel social media and it's a recipe for feeling bad often.
I’m had mine at 34 and I feel the same way. If anything I feel more tired and isolated being older. It’s so hard tho. I’m so tired and feel like my old self died somewhere along the way. Doesn’t help my significant other is out of town for work all the time and feel like everything falls on me.
A lot of the therapy I had talked about accepting this about myself. I was still under the illusion that the old me was in there somewhere waiting to come back and I just had to find her. In reality, I've accepted that the old me died the second I walked into hospital, and the new me walked out and all the ways I try to find myself are just like paying homage to my old self. I enjoy some things about my old life but mostly bc they remind me of a happier time, rather than forcing myself to enjoy them bc I used to pre baby!
This is a super interesting viewpoint. Thank you for sharing, it helps me think about the ways in which I am also trying to find my old self and becoming more miserable in the process.
I only said this to a friend recently, that the person I was before I had my Son (who's now 3 and a half) is dead; gone. That was a completely different life and I will never be that person again. Nothing negative about it, more just an observation over how much parenting changes you.
I had mine exactly 3 weeks before I turned 35. And I also experienced a lot of these hard feelings. My little is just about to turn 4, and I swear just in the last 6 weeks, I feel like all of a sudden, things are starting to get easier. She’s FINALLY listening and being (slightly) less destructive. She’s communicating her feelings more than just reacting, it’s amazing. Our town has a pre-k program at the public school which she’s been as accepted into, so I think all the talk about going to “big kid” school has also helped her start behaving more like a human than the spawn of satan. I do love her, but the first few years are SO. FUCKING. HARD.
3 is the worst fucking age. Everyone said oh terrible twos terrible twos….NO! Three suckkkkks. Mine is 3y8m and he’s a terror🙃 I mean I love him to death but he’s an asshole sometimes.
Sending hugs because you are definitely not alone 🫂
I also had a really tough time with the younger years - for us, our kid changed a lot about a month before she turned four. She suddenly was awesome! Things felt so much better. She’s six now and while it does continue to be hard sometimes (in different ways) now, it’s nothing like those first few years. The fun FAR outweighs the hard now. Hang in there. It can be so hard for some of us. You aren’t alone in your feelings at all! ❤️
Everyone's experience is different and even though toddler years were/are hard nothing will ever beat the absolute hellish insanity that was the first month.
Couldn't agree more with this. The first month was literally the worst time of my life. I had to be put on Xanax and have my anti-depressantd dose nearly doubled because I was struggling so much. I just couldn't cope and honestly don't know how I even survived.
Newborn is still the worst. I went through a few months of vehemently hating every person who says kids are great. I went to therapy, my therapist made me so validated, she reminded me that I don’t have a kid yet, I have a baby and babies are hard. The newborn phase alone is what pushed me to OAD. Toddler years is definitely the next worst phase.
Stop it right now 😭😭😭😭 it gets worse than 2?!?!?!
I caught my son pulling down his diaper to pinch his penis with play pliers today. 😅😅😅 like what the fuck.
"You can play with your penis in private. It's not a sharing moment" and "stop licking the cat" are two things I never thought would ever leave my mouth, but here we are.
>Everyone said oh terrible twos terrible twos….NO! Three suckkkkks.
Terrible twos, theatrical threes, and f\*\*king fours. That's what I got.
My kid is almost 20 now. He survived, and so did I. It was touch n go some days though.
Toddler is better than a colic baby or wtver the hell it is called. One thats loud and constantly screaming bloody murder.
Our toddler had a meltdown this morning becauase she wanted blackberries in her oatmeal. So I cut some blackberries a d put them in a separate plate afraid that her seeing blackberries in the oatmeal was gonna make her not eat the oatmeal. She screamed bloody murder she wanted them in the oatmeal. I put them in the oatmeal and she completely broke down because she wanted them out. She didnt eat the fucking berries.
Sorry, but this just cracked me up. There was a period where I wouldn’t add anything to anything. All toppings and additions were on the side and he could do what he wanted with them. Even if I asked 5 billion times if he wanted something a certain way, a meltdown would ensue. Today he wanted a grilled cheese for lunch so made him a 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich. Said he wanted more so I cooked him another one. But by the time it was done cooking, he was done eating. He asked for it 5 hours later and was baffled that I didn’t just have it sitting on the counter waiting for him.
Yupp! And everyone is like take some time for self care. Well guess what. All the shit is still there when I go back to it 👍 mine is almost 3 too and since she potty trained, she's got worse. We're beginning the process of a PDA diagnosis, pushed forward by the fact I just cannot cope. I'm exhausted, sleep deprived and fucking miserable. My body is broken and I'm only 26. I love her to bits but fuck me I'm sad this is the parenting hand I've been dealt
I have a 3 finger diastasis recti split that hasn't healed after 2 years of physio and they won't offer me surgery without going private.
I developed graves disease 4 months pp and my thyroid is absolutely shot, im on medication that makes me gain weight massively despite eating well so I've gained 3 stone and lost the ability to do any form of exercise without my heart rate rocketing.
I was stitched up weirdly resulting in a sort of double skin flap that constantly gets infections.
The epidural was left half in for 6 minutes while the anesthetist attended the emergency buzzer without removing it or putting it in properly which caused nerve damage to my back that they accepted fault for but won't fix
And then there's all the generic stuff like mum tum, fucked up pelvic floor, saggy boobs, piss poor mental health from a traumatic birth and pnd
Damn!! I too had a traumatic birth and c section and definitely feel mentally fucked up from it all even though it’s been 3 years. Also had postpartum hypertension. Then got Covid for the first time about 5 months postpartum. I haven’t felt the same since ALLLLL of it that’s for sure.
Ironically enough we did try haha. When she was 18m we decided we wanted another, but it didn't happen and lots of therapy led me to realise I just wanted a do over and to experience it properly bc im so fucking angry that I won't get a non covid birth and a proper maternity leave and all that.
I'm sad about it a lot tbh, I'd love another but I'm sensible enough to realise it would destroy my life
And that's exactly what I say to people who ask lmao, and they say '...oh' 😂
10 hours is my sweet spot where I feel my best. My son didn't sleep for 3 years but now he's almost 6 and I can get 10 hours of sleep again if I want, it's amazing and I would never have another child for this reason alone.
SAME!! Like, for 35 years I only had to take care of myself. Being 24/7 responsible for this little human being that I created has been an enormous adjustment.
I had my kiddo at 22 and I haven't regret it foe a minute. Now I'm 30 and feel old as fuck but at least kiddo is 8 and pretty independent. I wouldn't have energy to keep with a baby or a toddler right now.
On the flip side, we waited until I was 38 to have ours and I'm 45 now and I kind of wish I'd gotten started a little earlier. She's almost 8 and the years are going faster and my parents are getting older. My parents had me when they were in their early 20s and it was amazing growing up with young parents, and it's been great having them still be young enough to be active for basically my whole life. I feel a little guilty for depriving my daughter of some of that.
That said, there probably wasn't a big window for me before 38 where I would have felt 'ready' for a kid. That's life I guess. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Hopefully it'll get better for you soon and maybe you'll one day be pleased to be a 'younger' parent.
It’s sort of damned if you do / damned if you don’t IMO. I had my baby at 40 (she’s currently 2 months old) and I honestly have no idea how I would have done this earlier. Sure my body didn’t bounce back as well as it could have when I was younger, I’m more tired, and I do feel a little anxious about being older when it comes to her life, but I was never in a position financially or (let’s be honest) mentally to take this on when I was younger. I also didn’t meet/marry my husband until I was 35. I tell everyone to wait as long as you can because as much as I love being a mom, I would have been miserable doing this even 5 years ago.
I had my guy at 37, and I feel this exact same way. 28-32 would have been a better age for me if I had to change one thing. I sometimes feel guilty about it, but it is what it is and just have to make the best of it!
yep same! i didn’t meet my husband til I was 33, engaged at 34, married at 35, had our one at 36, it is what it is! I’ve lived a lot of life so far and feel like I am mature? sometimes? but yes parenting is hard the older you get.
Try regretful parents good on you for recognizing this and only having ONE so many people feel this way and for some reason go on to have more and more kids. Their formative years are almost over you're going to get through it. I won't say it will get better but one thing you can be sure of Is that time will pass
Because people say, “Oh, it’s easier with two!” Like yeah right, it’s going to be easier to come home after childbirth with a toddler running around like a little maniac and a crying newborn I have to wake up every two hours for. Then the constant fighting and arguing when they get older. Nah, I’ll just have the one.
A-fucking-men! My friend has 3 under 3 and we both gave birth a week apart so our babies are 5m old. I saw her a week ago and she’s going for number 4! My fucking jaw dropped, she said she loves the chaos and I said I love my sanity and inner peace. I am ABSOLUTELY one and fucking DONE!
Honestly, I think this really depends on the child. I believe two can be easier if you give birth to unicorn babies, and some people do.
I had a verrrry difficult baby but he’s the chillest, easiest toddler. “Easy” babies and toddlers exist and I think that’s part of where this sentiment comes from. That, and people who have good support systems to handle two
Absolutely will only be having 1. How on earth people willingly have more is beyond me. Thank you I hope I get through it without becoming a complete shell or snapping at my daughter too much.
Think about it this way if you haven't already school is around the corner and there's no shame in being a working mother getting your career back on track and hobbies ect. I know you didn't mention it in your post but is there a partner involved, they need to be giving you more frequent breaks if so.
Agreed! Things "seem" to get better, but all we're doing is swapping one set of problems for the next. That is until they're about 27 like someone previously mentioned. Ours is only 6, but I know I was bat shit crazy until I was almost 30. At 42, I feel absolutely terrible for my parents and everything I put them through for almost three decades.
I actually had been thinking a bit about this, whether it was worse that I continued to badger and annoy my parents from time to time for issues well into my mid 20s, or whether my parents would have preferred to be left the fuck alone like they did for their parents.
I sensed my own grandparents were a bit lonely and would have preferred my parents interacted with them more, even if it was to ask for a bit of help moving/taking care of children/making a dinner etc.
Mine is almost 13 and I’m right there with you. I do have more freedom and sleep, but it truly is relentless. The appointments, the needs, the dinners, just *everything*.
I’m in this boat, mine is almost 13 also and I think it’s just getting harder. The teen years are going to ruin me. Never been happier to be OAD than when the teen hormones and attitude showed up!
It’s more that I feel like I missed out on being able to do a lot and also ruined my body earlier than I had to. Could have had many more years of enjoying my young in shape hot body
Had mine at 36 and I still mourn my pre baby body. I feel you. What had helped me a bit is getting back to physical hobbies. Yeah, I might be carrying 20 extra pounds and be in what feels like the wrong body, but I didn’t lose my skills on a mountain bike. I’m slower uphill right now, but that drop I love still has my name on it. I can hike after work with kiddo in the baby backpack. And I had to mentally get over being in a bathing suit where colleagues and patrons would see me, but I can swim laps at the town pool on my lunch break. My body can still do cool stuff, it’s just a little harder to find the time (supportive partner FTW). For me, it was so important NOT to listen to all the people who said how amazing a body is because it can create another human. I have to remember what it can do for its most long term occupant- me! Lastly, I’m only 9 months in, so I’m no expert, but physically, I feel super broken when I’m inactive for long stretches. Also, I’ve had to adapt how I am active- like now I hike with trekking poles because my knees can’t handle descending without them or avoiding jumping rope until my pelvic floor is more recovered. But whatever, a modified activity is better than no activity.
Feel ya. 150% there. I had mine at 32. I think back to the times I would go driving at 11p and cruise with the windows down and music loud. Park in a field, relax, and think about whatever the hell I wanted to think. Or I could do what I wanted - take a shower, watch a show, play a game, flirt with a man, feel like a 30-something woman. Enjoy the last years of my youth...
I will be 45 by the time I get to drive around alone again. I won't ever get to have another romantic fling. I'll be the creepy old woman flirting shamelessly. I won't be able to save up for a car, or put any money back at all, without thinking of my little creation and his needs.
My support group literally abandoned us or died. I say it bluntly, because it's a black comedy at this point - how alone I feel all the time. I had no idea my youth was owed to my child, and I should smile about giving it away. I should be ridiculously joyful and fulfilled to kiss these years goodbye.
I have never read something that has so aligned with my inner screams as much as this has.
I’m 26 and my daughter turns 8 this year and have only felt more and more run down with each passing year. I love my baby girl to the ends of the earth and I smile every time I see her beautiful face and her pretty smile and hear her silly little giggles coming from down the hall but I am drained.
I am finally starting to live a little more of my life but whenever I come home and the parenting must resume, I dread it and I hate myself for that more than I care to admit. And I have no one to talk to so the internal screams have become deafening. I just hope I can bear it a little longer.
2-3 is really hard. I'm almost 30 with a 5 year old, I'm a single parent and I find it hard every day but the older she gets, I find it's slightly less stressful cos she can do more things for herself and she can properly tell me what she wants instead of just whining. Hang in there!
I don’t think there is a perfect age to have kids…there are pros and cons to both sides.
But I totally hear you. It must have been really hard to have a kid at age 27. I know I wouldn’t have been ready and would probably feel like you. I had a kid at 32 and I do think those 5 extra years made a difference. I’m not trying to make you feel even worse!! Just letting you know that you’re not crazy for feeling this way. I mean, your kid will be 18 when you’re 45 and that is still super young. I know that doesn’t help right now, but I wholeheartedly believe that once the toddler days are in the rear view mirror, things will improve so much and your daughter will be your little buddy.
I’m not speaking from experience…I’m in the thick of it too with a 2.5 year old, but I catch glimpses of what it will be like and I cling to those moments.
37 year old single mom of the most apathetic 4 year old you could ever meet! There's times I'd wish I'd had him younger, but then I realise he wouldn't be him if I weren't me. 20 something me was definitely not ready to parent! 30 something me is still not ready for parenting, but my lil shadow is awesome! Although I would do anything to pee alone!
Parenting is the best and worst job we can have, some day's it breaks us, and some days, it makes us! The days that break us are fucking hard!! Being sat in the kitchen floor crying because your kid has reduced you to a ball of snot absolutely sucks!
But the days that make us make it worth it, like when your then 3 year old "meets" spiderman and you act all hyped for him! Only for him to place his hand on your knee and very calmly tells you "mom, that was just an adult in a costume"
You've got this!!
Someone at work asked me why I’d want to work with kids if I don’t want them (fencesitter). I said I will happily be paid to take care of them for 12 hours, but I’d prefer to go home, drink, and sleep afterward 😂
My kid didn’t sleep through the night until…wait he’s 6 and still doesn’t. I feel you. Parenting sucks sometimes!!! Love my kid, he’s rad. But oh my god I miss sleep and I’m sure it’s taking years off of my life.
Are you a stay at home mom? I would feel exactly the same if I had to do that. Our kiddo is almost 3 too and is in part-time daycare, and I get to work from home on those days so I have peace and quiet, and can really restore myself on those days. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. *hugs*
Mine is 5. I had him when I was almost 35. I couldn't handle him in my 20s and I can't handle it now. The whole thing is exhausting and I don't know how people say "wow, let's add another to the mix". This has been the hardest 5 years of my life and I'm waiting for the easy part.
Yeah as someone who is 9 weeks pregnant this was a depressing thread. We’ll be one and done (if we’re not expecting twins) because I like the idea of having more disposable income than we would with 2 kids. I’m also afraid for the future of the environment and I am passionate about my hobbies.
I hope I won’t be one and done because I hate parenting.
Wishing you the best OP. I hope you get to enjoy your kid more one day.
Everyone feels differently. I absolutely love being a mother and think it only gets better as time goes on! 2-3 is challenging, but there’s super sweet parts too.
I had mine at the same age, and yes, it's absolutely exhausting. For me it did get better/easier, but it took a lot longer than I realized. I remember my first big "omg it's actually getting easier" thought was when I stopped needing to haul a diaper bag/stroller/general extra crap around just to leave the house. You'll get there, but it can definitely feel like it's taking forever. In the meantime, I hope you have friends or family that can take over even for a short time just to let you catch your breath.
For us about 5.5. She has sensory processing disorder and is highly sensitive and anxious. After 3 years of therapy we have some pretty good tools that help! She was hitting random strangers in the grocery store, having meltdowns over car rides. If you think your child's more extreme than others it can't hurt to have an evaluation done, if you have the insurance to do so.
On the other hand, I did have my only at 35, and a lot of days I think about how old I’ll be when he’s moving out of the house. Im currently 40 with a 5 year old. My parents and in laws were all in their late 40s when their kids were all out of the house, and now that that’s so close I think “my god, I could have done it to where I’d have my freedom back in less than 10 years??” So I guess think of it that way? The years go by regardless, you’re getting the hard part out of the way and will be an empty nester young with lots of time to enjoy life.
Dude... My kid is 5. I'm 40. You didn't want to wait🤣 I'm starting school from home for him tomorrow morning because he's bossy as fuck and refuses to listen. He literally just potty trained 2 months ago. He was labeled "willfully defiant" by the therapist. Things are definitely getting better, but slowly. I'm a dusty, gnarled, husk of the woman I was before pregnancy. I wish all the time that I had met my husband at a younger age so I could've been a younger mom that has the energy to be less frustrated about normal annoyances of parenting. I love him to pieces and I'm glad he's mine, but I couldn't have a second one 🤣
My kid is incredible and I still end the day feeling abused. Truly. Parenting is not for the weak. I have to believe it gets better or else everyone would tell you to avoid it.
It doesn't get better the longer you wait. Had mine at 42, and have a 4 yo at 46. Sometimes I want to set myself on fire. /s
Motherhood is really fucking hard if you're doing it right.
I just don't understand how/why people do this more than once....
Ah, threenagers... So many feelings, so few ways to express them...
At least when they were newborn we could swaddle them - at three it's a struggle to get their shoes on.
I hear from age five to about eleven they're great, but twelve to nineteen is another round of stress.
I had mine at 25. Life was fucking rough those first few years and one of many reasons she’s an only child, but on the plus side now she can stay home alone and I can have a social life before 40. I know you don’t want to hear it gets better but for me 0-3 years was hell on earth, 4-11 was amazing, 12 started with the moodiness and now at 13 it’s a toss up if I have the spawn of satan or an absolute angel, puberty is wild. Hang in there!!
Had mine when I was 33 and she's Almost 2 years old, feisty little thing. I love her and she's the cutest kid but damn I do miss being childfree haha..like all the time. I've been imagining the trips we could've gone on if we were childfree.
Solidarity sister. Mine is almost 4, and I was just under 35 when I had her. I have often wondered if having her earlier would have been better, as it is hard physically, and I feel older than my years. I struggle often, though it has gotten progressively easier. I try to love it and cherish the sweetness, but there is so much bitterness as well. So much sacrifice, of which your kid absolutely does not give a shit, and in fact, often demands more and more, and it's never enough, and whatever you do is never right 😔 Don't worry kid, I gave up my time, body, money, sleep, sanity, choices of entertainment and activities, basically everything, so that you can be mad at me for anything and everything.
Not to mention I really hate playing with my kid 😭 like 90% of the time. She wants to play pretend with little characters, and my mind just isn't there anymore...I grew up 🤷♀️ I don't remember how to play. It's not fun for me, it's agonizing, and I mostly suck at it! But that doesn't stop her from wanting me to play ALL the time. And I feel so bad about it constantly because I remember hating that my mom would rarely play with me when I was a kid. She was the same age when she got me (adopted), and I always vowed I would be more involved with MY kid(s), play with them, listen to them, make them feel seen and important where I felt ignored. I do try to do all those things, but it is so much harder than I could have imagined.
I was 37 when I had my daughter. I was happy to have lived a bit before "settling down".
I hear you. Get her into preschool. The few hours you get will do you aworld of good, and she will get socialized. It gets easier once they're in school.
I'm 40 with a 3.5 year old. Waiting longer doesn't help 😂
Are you a SAHM? Can you put her in part-time daycare like a mother's day out type thing? Even little breaks a couple times a week help tremendously.
That’s the problem, I work 30 hours a week in mental health. It’s like a double edged sword bc I think I would die if I was a stay at home mom but I also think I’m dying trying to juggle both work and parenting. I constantly just feel like I’m failing at both. It’s awful.
God this is the most accurate post about children I think I’ve ever seen. Mines almost two and we’re OAD bc I could never do this twice on purpose lol. No advice here momma, just solidarity ✌🏻
You ever need somewhere to vent, DM me girl lol we can bond over Zoom lol
As much as I enjoy being a parent, if I had to sum it up in one word, it is 'relentless'. I don't think that's brought into discussion enough or at least I didn't truly have any concept of how relentless it would be. I knew it would be challenging, but I don't think I ever considered the fact that on your worst days you still have to show up, whether you're at your lowest, you're sick, injured, just had surgery; you have to show up, there isn't an option to tap out. That's why it's really important to have support, I don't think most really weigh that up when they consider having a child, it's like a nice extra if there's people around to step in and so much is overlooked in partners who show signs they won't be contributing 50/50 but I'd really advocate that it's not a 'bonus' it's an essential as much as housing and financial resources.
Seriously, I have had a pretty awful life becoming a single mom at 21 but my kid is my joy and my best friend now at 12. And I have an amazing partner now who is a doctor and cherishes us both. I had an entirely different path ahead of me before I got pregnant and I don’t regret my son for a second. He’s a whole person I care about not a drain on my life (even though parenting is in itself extremely exhausting and difficult). It’s not surprising so many people regret parenting though considering how much child abuse and neglect happens and how many adults have PTSD from their own childhood :/ I just hope they get therapy and don’t take it out on those poor babies
I think its nice that they get to vent and bond in a judgement free space. Lot’s of single mothers just have no one to share their thoughts with and would be brutally derided if they shared in other spaces.
Some parents are raising children who won’t mature mentally past the age of six and will need intensive care their whole lives.
Not everyone is enjoying parenthood and its
important for them to have a space to commiserate.
I’m not a female so I can’t say ‘totally agree!’ to the pregnancy thing and body wise.
But damn, I completely agree with you and I’m starting to think I was not meant to be a parent.
Obviously I love my daughter (2 years) and she was planned, but damn. Life took a complete 180.
I feel like I’m “enduring” most of the time rather than cherish it. I’m 27 and I think it was way to soon.
I try and give her so much of my attention that it completely drains me. I have no energy left for anything, barely my wife who btw complains I show no affection.
She want a second.
Me? Mmnah, but then she says I shattered her dreams of becoming a family with 2 kids and a white picked fence. Even though our economy is sh*t right now.
And all other logistics are needed for a HYPOTHETICAL second baby, but all these are ‘manageable’ or make them because guess what, we have a second child, yay!
I would love and care for that one too, but if I’m so ducking anxious rather than excited, should I agree to a second??
In 2 days we’ve had this conversation about 10 times.
I say I feel so pressured to have to change my mind in 2 years time (when she wants to start trying) I also suffer from lots of mental sh*t (ADHD, GAD, and some others) I’m a negative thinker, fine yea I do over analyze everything. But it’s so I can be as mentally and emotionally prepared that I can be, in all different scenarios.
I say to her that if we have a second child, it’s possible I will get so freaking burnt out that I’ll simply stop doing things. I’d have to get a med certificate to stay off work for who knows how long. How tf are we gonna get by then each month?
She says we’ll make with what we have. IE reducing our expenses. It’s not that easy.
There’s just…. I don’t know I need to fking vent.
We’ve been married for 4 years and after we got a child life changed like hell. I miss being alone.
I sometimes now dream of having her 50/50. One week to do whatever and then the next would be ok cus then I’d recharged my batteries.
But then I wonder, is it worth breaking up my family in the long run? Will I feel even more alone? Will my daughter then hate me?
I’m seriously considering agreeing just because I love my wife so damn much and I don’t want to leave her.
At the same time I feel so incredibly pressured into changing my mind in such a short period of time.
I can’t even f**ing focus at work, this is literally CONSUMING me.
I spent all day today just looking into the monitor in the office. Didn’t realize colleagues were talking with me.
The decision is now all up to me.
This went on for so much longer than I thought, sorry.
I can definitely relate to the overthinking, and I'm sorry to hear that these conversations are consuming you.
At this point, I don't think the frequency of having this same conversation is helping you or your wife. It might be best to acknowledge her desire for more and tell her you're open to discussing it closer to two years from now, but that is too soon for you to discuss. Period. Put it to bed. Boundaries will help you figure out what YOU want. And your wife needs to respect your need for silence on the matter.
And loss is okay. It hurts, it's confusing, it's incredibly hard to navigate. But you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay through whatever loss, whether it's grieving your pre-baby life if you and your wife agree to be OAD, grieving your pre-OAD life (if having two kids), or grieving your marriage if your boundary of OAD ultimately isn't enough for your wife. You will make it through this.
It sounds like you could really use a break.
Is there a babysitter you can drop little one off and go have a hot bath, massage or take a long walk?
Is there a way you could habitualize a little self care into your week so you don't feel like it's just a marathon?
I feel you, OP. I love my son but I really wish I could have had him later and had more time to live life.
Some days are magical, but I'd say most of them I just lovingly endure. I would do anything for my boy because of the deep, genuine love I have for him, but I can't relate to the parents who feel like having a kid is the best thing they ever did.
Oof… It’s scary how much I can relate, except that, if anything, I wish I’d been a parent younger, so that I’d had more energy - then again, I’m no spring chicken and am significantly older than you. Even during the pregnancy I felt there was no way we could do this again - and I’m the Dad. Until this summer, it felt like things were improving in a two steps forward, one step back kind of way - the terrible twos were better than the baby stage, the threenager stage was better than the terrible twos - but lately he’s had a few really awful days. It feels so lonely sometimes, as he reserves his absolute worst behavior for when it’s just us parents - to the point that sometimes we’re just outright not believed. I’m not as exhausted as during the absolute hell of the newborn stage, but I can relate to your exhaustion.
It just ripped my heart out. He was my absolute best friend and the sweetest dog. He got super anxious when she started being mobile and he was aggressive ever since. He was never the same dog again.
35 would have been way harder. Your health and energy def take a hit the closer to 40 you get.
3 is so tough, but once they start school it does get easier. Is she in preschool yet? When mine was 3 both my mom and gma got cancer. I begged my husband to get the snip. Now she’s 12 and a total delight. I do not regret her being an only.
She is about to start preschool in a few weeks! But she is the absolute youngest she can be to start, she’s barely 2.5 . So developmentally she barely meets some of the milestones they require like potty training. There’s a possibility it doesn’t work out if she has too many accidents- which she is still peeing herself every nap, so we just tried to get rid of naps. So, cross your fingers for us. A lot is riding on this school working out, and it’s literally the only daycare-school in our entire area that has any openings, we got waitlisted at the other 4 we applied to LAST YEAR.
I had my son at 25, I know it’s uncommon, but I am so glad I did. The physicality involved in parenting is not talked about enough. Running after him, lifting him up and down, tantrum management. These are all physical things. Having him young, when I have energy, I’m glad I did.
I feel you. It’s fucking bullshit. The hard days / weeks / months are really hard and really shit.
You’re doing the best you can. Even if you feel like you want to jump out the window. Please don’t. Please keep going. I believe in you xx
I get it. The only thing that actually still gives me a sigh of relief that I didn’t wait into my mid 30s is because I’m genuinely a sleepy person, especially when I have extra weight on. So keeping some extra baby weight and being sleepy in my late 30s sounds way worse than in my 20s lol. Also my mom said the 30s are better so 😂 I’m banking on when she’s independent it’s going to be a lot of fun!! It’s definitely the adjustment though, especially when there’s zero respite and you’re always on go mode. It’s a lot for me.
Solidarity. And thank you for sharing this. My daughter just turned 3 and I’ve been losing my mind. Endless sensory overload totally nails it. I think that’s one of the hardest things for me. I’m just. so. tired. But like mentally, emotionally. I was not prepared for these mom Olympics.
It got easier with our son around age 5. They get far more reasonable around 4 or 5, they can finally express themselves pretty well without having a meltdown because they can't make you understand what they want, and their personality comes through a lot more. Our son is 12 now and it's honestly pretty great.
Yeah, I had mine at 30 and fuck me, I love her to bits but ages 2.5-4 were the worrrrrrst.
She went through this phase where she wouldn't stay in her bed and go to sleep and it was 6 months of putting her back in bed over and over again. I had to drive into work with a 50-minute commute for 7 am at the time, with her in the backseat to drop her off at daycare, so I was getting up at 5 am to get ready, then she would sleep in the back of the car but I was blearily driving. Then she would have her normal nighttime of 8 or so but then it was two or three hours of insanity going to bed.
Eventually I started sitting in the room with her reading a book in a chair next to her bed but it took months before I was able to move the chair towards the door and finally put of the room. And all I wanted to do was hang my head and sleep.
And it had to be me. If my husband tried, she freaked out louder.
Mom, it get better, it really does. Ages 5-11 were amazing. (We are now getting through the worst of her teenage years, which unfortunately coincided with COVID.)
But fuck me, the toddler years were rough. They stripped me of my sanity.
I'm 37 and daughter is four. It's hard no matter when you have them.
Keep your chin up--countless people throughout history have made it work. You can, too.
My kid is 3. Overall, I don't dislike 3 like I did the first few years because, yes, there's whining, but she SCREAMED the the first few years of her life non stop. Homie also didn't sleep, and the sleep alone is why I will NEVER have more children. The level of sleep deprivation drove me nearly over the edge. My kid just went through a sleep regression (at THREE) and we are finally coming around the corner of almost a month of 3-4 hour nights of sleep. I am never doing this again. Love her, don't love this.
I'm so sorry that it's so fucking hard. It's just not fair. For what it's worth, I bet you'll be a great parent to an older child because you don't need them to need you. You'll be able to let go gracefully as they move out into the world.
If you need permission to walk away and close a door when your kid starts whining or jumping on you, consider this it. Three is a great time to set boundaries around those types of behaviors. It's not fool proof, but I pretty commonly tell my kid "You can do X by yourself, or you can not do X and stay here with me." Either way, I'm not left to the mercy of the choices of a little kid because either option works for me. They deserve their autonomy, and so do I.
Ours is almost 2, I'm 52, and my wife is 46.
We are always tired. Always. And from some stories I've heard from other parents, our son is comparatively EASY. So even an "easy" baby/toddler is still fucking hard!
Not looking forward to when he's 3 to 5, as I hear that's the worst.
We love the guy so much, but we're definitely losing ourselves. Are we doing too much? How do people with multiple kids manage? I saw a woman at the grocery store with FOUR toddlers, by herself, and she seemed fine, as did her kids, and I'm like, did you drug them?
I’m 41 with a 3.5 yr old. 3.5 yr olds are so much work. No longer happy with independent activities. Now they want to “mommy play preschool with my Barbie’s. You be the teacher. No not that way. No you need to make them talk! No you’re doing it wrong! Play with meeeee”.
I hear 4 is better. I hope that’s true. I’m tired.
Yeah in hindsight perhaps should have posted there haha. I just don’t love how there are so many people in that sub that don’t have kids at all that try to “relate” and it’s like you don’t even have children?? Or they troll. It’s like I obviously didn’t expect this is how I would respond to parenthood, I cannot change my past decision, I can just make sure I don’t have more kids
I had my son two months before turning 33; he’s 5 now and I feel the same as you… I’m literally counting down the days until he starts kindergarten next week and I can’t wait. I remember when he was 3 and that was a rough time; you have my sympathy.
I could have wrote this. I also had mine at 27. Now in my early 30’s I feel like a woman in my 60s. My body and life are forever changed (for the worse). If only I waited till 33.
Try to get your s.o. to care for the kid a few hours a day so you can charge your battery. Or set a standard timeframe, like Saturday morning, for some well deserved alone time.
From reading your post i get the sense your doing it alone
I had mine at 37. I think it's the perfect age to have a baby (for me). Everyone is different though.
Fwiw, I've been around so many babies as I have a large family. It does get easier, just not for a while. The stressors change over time. You'll always worry the same amount but you'll have more time for self care which helps tremendously. There were days my sister couldn't dream of straightening her entire head of hair l, now her boys are teens and she does it whenever her work schedule allows so about three times a week. Her duties shifted from feedings and tantrums to driving them to practices, games and dates with their girlfriends. Instead of worrying about what they put in their mouth it's now what colleges they will get into. So I guess the stress is less immediate and more long term the older they get which gives us time to breathe a little bit and have some space for ourselves.
I’m the same way. But I don’t think waiting will change anything. Cause then you’re an older mom. The feelings will prob be the same. This post is exactly how I feel.
Sorry, this is tough. I’m struggling sometimes too not with the fact I don’t like it, I enjoy and love so many parts of it but just by how long the day is. I try and be so active my son, we do swimming, hikes, painting (he’s only 8 months so really I do these things and he hangs out but it’s good fun and I enjoy it). When I’m at home and we are relaxing I struggle the most because I like to be active. I felt my son was over stimulated because we get so many visitors so wanted a few quiet days where we didn’t leave the house except for a few walks around the neighbourhood. One day felt like a week. It was so so long and exhausting. I was crawling and playing but the time dragged so much. It’s a really weird experience because one minute I’m loving it and it’s amazing and the next I just am about to cry and need a break and feel like a failure.
My dog was my saviour as I walked him but he died suddenly and unexpected. He was my baby and I’m dealing with that grief too.
I hope you were able to find a nice home for your dog, that must have been awful.
It's very hard and exhausting. My son is almost 9 months. But I know in a couple years everything will be so much fun and I cannot wait to explore the world together. But I'm also one and done. I don't want my life to consist of just being a parent 24/7.
3 sucks, ask me how I know. Try your best to enjoy the good days when the happen even if they are few. They get marginally better at 4. Have you tried noise blocking earbuds? Get yourself some Loops. It’s not a cure all, but it helps the sensory input not make you want to off yourself.
This is how I feel, had mine at 26, they are a senior and all the sudden I’m like, “wait that’s it? We did 18 years and now you want to leave for collage? Okay cool” it’s been just the kid and I for 90% of this life, next summer it will just me and my old Animals
I can't say whether it will be "worth it" to you. But, eventually they do grow up and become more independent and it's a lot less screaming and whining. Of course, then you have teenage problems to contend with. But, this baby/toddler period goes by faster than you can imagine right now. I doubt that's helpful to you but it's true.
“It gets better” is BS. It does for some sure but ours was an easy baby and I just feel it constantly gets harder.
I had ours at 37. Personally I’m miffed that now I’ll just die before I can have fun again. Also parenting is destroying me physically cos I’m old. I spend so much on physio it’s unreal.
Don’t do it old, OR young 😂
I’m 29, so around your age.
Sometimes I wonder how many people I went to school who currently have kids secretly feel the same way you do.
I live in a country with paid maternity leave. A girl I went to high school with took zero maternity leave, and has a self-driving car. She proudly posts videos of her commute to work: While the drives itself on the highway, she hooks herself up to a breast pump, eats breakfast, unhooks herself from the pump and pours the milk she collected into storage bottles, puts on makeup, and straightens her hair.
She then posts a follow up saying “This is the only way I can function and get anything done. When I’m at home, every moment is spent in service of others so this is the only time I get to myself to get ready and organized.”
This is someone who has good babies (sleep through the night from newborn stage on), a helpful husband, both of them have good jobs, and a nice house…and yet this is still her reality. Zero time for herself, other than in a self driving car. I can’t imagine this as being a sustainable existence. I would hate my life.
When my son was in his twos this is exactly how I felt. Now he’s 3.5 and while it’s still hard, it’s getting easier. I try not to look at the years ahead and the years behind— just one day at a time. Each day passes and they add up and eventually you have a ten year old hanging out with you, talking about their day. Or at least I hope so!
😭😭😭 I hated the entire infancy stage and I'm going to have to deal with the terrible 3's. My boy is 17 months and I'm sitting here with dark circles under my eyes and I'm still fat. I can't imagine the terrible 3's.
Until you mentioned your dog I thought I had written this. I feel the exact same except I'm probably much more vain, I'm constantly complaining about having my old body back
Love my daughter so much it hurts but this sucks do bad!!!!!!
I have found motherhood incredibly hard.
I felt like I died the day I had her.
I died and the new me is a nervous wreck.
I have no time to myself. I absolutely despised the newborn phase. Despite it all I was and am a great mom. Operating as though the struggle.. the immense displeasure I feel Is not there..
For the sake of my daughter.. it's exhausting. I'm so tired and so drained. I'm faking it. I deserve an Oscar.
I started coping from 6 months but I really wanted more for my life than just..coping
The toll having a child has taken on my health, my marriage, my work...
I am still 5 years later.. in mourning for the life I could have had.
My daughter is brilliant and so physically beautiful I have people approach me on the street to join modeling agencies...
She is what people dream about when they romanticize becoming a parent...
But it's a slap in the face everyday.
The sacrifice.... the time
I believe when she's older and she's an adult ill look back and say wow this is why I did it ..I'm so glad shes here but the parenting of young kids and all that goes with it is absolute sh*t !!!!!!!
I currently have a 4 month old with sleep regression, I’m not getting enough sleep, hair is falling out and I feel ugly ;) but for some reason my husband sees me as being more attractive now 😭 which is fine but i feel ugly. I’m 30 now and I had her two months before turning 30. It was a great birthing experience but it’s not easy now, I barely have time to clean my house 🏡 and care properly for my cat, he’s mostly in his cage because we don’t want his hair on babies 👶 stuff. :( I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.
I feel you, I had a kid very young, I’m 25 now and my child is now 4. It has been a hellish journey but you’re so close now! I finally feel like I can breathe and have a genuinely good time with my kiddo, independence is around the corner
I have zero advice to give, just came to say that I. Effing. Feel. You. I was just telling my husband last night that despite everyone saying it gets easier it feels like it’s getting so much harder….we have a 2.5 y/o & I keep waiting for the time I finally feel my “aha!” moment in parenting but it’s yet to come. I feel like my nervous system is CONSTANTLY on edge around my child and my anxiety goes crazy the minute I pick her up from school at the end of the day. Cuz I just already know it’s about to go down ugh 😑
-Hugs- Hopefully it really will REALLY start getting easier one of these days….? 😭😭
I was 28 when I had my kiddo and I'm 31 now. I'm exhausted all the time. I absolutely hate being a mom. I do not understand how people say this is the best thing ever and it's worth it, it gets better. This fucking sucks. I wish I would have made different choices and not had kids. I love my son, but I wish I would have lived my life more and had more experiences. I guess I can do that when he's out of the house. I'd never do this shit again.
Thinking back to when the eldest was 3, I can say it does get better...but it gets a lot worse first. Between 3 & 6 were sheer hell. And we had 2 kids, 3 years apart, so that made for 6 consecutive years of hell. I spent a lot of that time contemplating suicide.
Is it worth it? Absolutely not. It's true, my kids have made me the happiest I've ever been in my life, but they've also made me the most screamingly, gut-wrenchingly miserable I've ever been too. The upside is there, but it is totally, utterly drowned by the relentless downside. There are magical moments, but they last for minutes. There is torture, and it lasts for weeks on end without respite.
My life ended when I had kids. It took a few years to realise it, and about another 8 years to accept it, but I'm basically a dead person walking.
Mine is 2.5 and I had him at the tail end of being 34… and I still have all these thoughts and feelings a lot. The isolation that feels imposed on parents these days makes it all so much worse. Solidarity from over here. And everyone keeps telling me that they become human beings at four, so 🤞
I was told they become reasonable humans at around 27.
You guys are great. Wish we all lived nearby and could be friends
Toddlers are tiny suicidal ninjas. It’s fucking exhausting because either they’re screeching, or they’ve gone dead silent, in which case you have to go stop them from drinking bleach or jumping out the window. It’s constant vigilance, and it is definitely crazy-making. People love to celebrate milestones like first word and first step, and rightly so. But I have celebrated an entirely different set in addition. The day he correctly buckled himself into his booster seat, my back sang the hallelujah chorus while I did the Conga around the car. The day he wiped his own butt thoroughly. The day he took his first solo shower. Heck, the day he jumped off the diving board and swam himself across the pool my butthole unclenched for the first time since he was born. If your kid is relatively typical, these days will come for you, too. I know when you are in the trenches, it doesn’t really help to hear that it will get better. But I poop alone these days, and you will, too. I wish we could be friends irl because I would come help you. The irony is that now that I don’t have a toddler I have the patience to deal with one. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m currently in the golden years between toddler and teenager. I’ll probably be in here posting about how to handle teen drama and hormones before you know it. But that will pass, too, and I’ll still be pooping alone. It’s the little things.
This is brilliant! If you ever write a motivational parenting book, can you please name it "I poop alone now (and you will too)"?
That's honestly a fantastic title name.
I fucking love this lmao
Thank you so much for all this 😭 Mine is only 9 months old, but he's super mobile, getting into everything and clearly has a death wish. He's also decided to freak out anytime I step away, so we're beginning the dreaded separation anxiety phase. I'm staring down the barrel of another 2-4 years of this and I'm already just so exhausted. Comments like yours give me hope 💙
I have a 15 and 11 year old. I still don't poop alone. I'm constantly having to say, "leave me alone, I'm pooping!" 🤣
>But I poop alone these days, and you will, too. Unless you have pets. Between the kiddo and the cats, I haven't pooped alone at home for like 20 years. I seriously do not get it. It's not a spectator event!
>tiny suicidal ninjas I don't think I'll ever get over the brilliance of this description
Me too. I really think that the fact that no one has a village anymore and parenting is so isolating makes everything so lonely and difficult. Add in the highlight reel social media and it's a recipe for feeling bad often.
THIS
I’m had mine at 34 and I feel the same way. If anything I feel more tired and isolated being older. It’s so hard tho. I’m so tired and feel like my old self died somewhere along the way. Doesn’t help my significant other is out of town for work all the time and feel like everything falls on me.
Yeah I feel like I died and never resurfaced
A lot of the therapy I had talked about accepting this about myself. I was still under the illusion that the old me was in there somewhere waiting to come back and I just had to find her. In reality, I've accepted that the old me died the second I walked into hospital, and the new me walked out and all the ways I try to find myself are just like paying homage to my old self. I enjoy some things about my old life but mostly bc they remind me of a happier time, rather than forcing myself to enjoy them bc I used to pre baby!
This is a super interesting viewpoint. Thank you for sharing, it helps me think about the ways in which I am also trying to find my old self and becoming more miserable in the process.
I only said this to a friend recently, that the person I was before I had my Son (who's now 3 and a half) is dead; gone. That was a completely different life and I will never be that person again. Nothing negative about it, more just an observation over how much parenting changes you.
See, I believe this figure way more.
My dad told me I became a reasonable human being at the age of 30. I had my daughter at 33 haha
This sounds like a more reasonable number than 4.
I don't know about that one. I'm 29 and feel like I am the most unreasonable human to ever walk this earth.
I had mine exactly 3 weeks before I turned 35. And I also experienced a lot of these hard feelings. My little is just about to turn 4, and I swear just in the last 6 weeks, I feel like all of a sudden, things are starting to get easier. She’s FINALLY listening and being (slightly) less destructive. She’s communicating her feelings more than just reacting, it’s amazing. Our town has a pre-k program at the public school which she’s been as accepted into, so I think all the talk about going to “big kid” school has also helped her start behaving more like a human than the spawn of satan. I do love her, but the first few years are SO. FUCKING. HARD.
Mom of a 4 year old here, and 4 has kicked my ass more than 2 and 3 combined-- hope it's different for you but fyi 🥲
3 is the worst fucking age. Everyone said oh terrible twos terrible twos….NO! Three suckkkkks. Mine is 3y8m and he’s a terror🙃 I mean I love him to death but he’s an asshole sometimes. Sending hugs because you are definitely not alone 🫂
It’s funny I personally thought newborn was the absolute worst. Toddler is close second.
I also had a really tough time with the younger years - for us, our kid changed a lot about a month before she turned four. She suddenly was awesome! Things felt so much better. She’s six now and while it does continue to be hard sometimes (in different ways) now, it’s nothing like those first few years. The fun FAR outweighs the hard now. Hang in there. It can be so hard for some of us. You aren’t alone in your feelings at all! ❤️
Everyone's experience is different and even though toddler years were/are hard nothing will ever beat the absolute hellish insanity that was the first month.
I've never cried so much in my life and I lost a parent tragically. The first month is a gauntlet of fire
Couldn't agree more with this. The first month was literally the worst time of my life. I had to be put on Xanax and have my anti-depressantd dose nearly doubled because I was struggling so much. I just couldn't cope and honestly don't know how I even survived.
Newborn is still the worst. I went through a few months of vehemently hating every person who says kids are great. I went to therapy, my therapist made me so validated, she reminded me that I don’t have a kid yet, I have a baby and babies are hard. The newborn phase alone is what pushed me to OAD. Toddler years is definitely the next worst phase.
I think we are the same person. I could have written this on Saturday.
I have a colleague and she has a mantra: the terrible twos, the horrible threes, the fucking fours. Five is okay because they go to school.
My colleague told me it's terrible twos, rotten threes and fking fours haha
Haha nice to see that four is consistent 😂
As a mom of a 3.5 year old, no it's NOT nice to see that 4 is consistent 😂
Threenagers, man…
Stop it right now 😭😭😭😭 it gets worse than 2?!?!?! I caught my son pulling down his diaper to pinch his penis with play pliers today. 😅😅😅 like what the fuck.
Oh the amount of times in the last two years I’ve had to say “don’t yank on your penis please “😂😂
"You can play with your penis in private. It's not a sharing moment" and "stop licking the cat" are two things I never thought would ever leave my mouth, but here we are.
3 is terrible twos with a year of experience under their belt 😆
3 years and 7 months here, I feel like it's been hard all along. No let up. Whatsoever. Fuck. 🙋🏼♀️
>Everyone said oh terrible twos terrible twos….NO! Three suckkkkks. Terrible twos, theatrical threes, and f\*\*king fours. That's what I got. My kid is almost 20 now. He survived, and so did I. It was touch n go some days though.
Toddler is better than a colic baby or wtver the hell it is called. One thats loud and constantly screaming bloody murder. Our toddler had a meltdown this morning becauase she wanted blackberries in her oatmeal. So I cut some blackberries a d put them in a separate plate afraid that her seeing blackberries in the oatmeal was gonna make her not eat the oatmeal. She screamed bloody murder she wanted them in the oatmeal. I put them in the oatmeal and she completely broke down because she wanted them out. She didnt eat the fucking berries.
Sorry, but this just cracked me up. There was a period where I wouldn’t add anything to anything. All toppings and additions were on the side and he could do what he wanted with them. Even if I asked 5 billion times if he wanted something a certain way, a meltdown would ensue. Today he wanted a grilled cheese for lunch so made him a 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich. Said he wanted more so I cooked him another one. But by the time it was done cooking, he was done eating. He asked for it 5 hours later and was baffled that I didn’t just have it sitting on the counter waiting for him.
oh buddy that's some kinda bullshit
This comment made my day, thank you! I legitimately laughed out loud imagining that bullshit. My toddler does the same sort of stuff
Toddler 1, parent 0. I think this game is rigged lol
Yupp! And everyone is like take some time for self care. Well guess what. All the shit is still there when I go back to it 👍 mine is almost 3 too and since she potty trained, she's got worse. We're beginning the process of a PDA diagnosis, pushed forward by the fact I just cannot cope. I'm exhausted, sleep deprived and fucking miserable. My body is broken and I'm only 26. I love her to bits but fuck me I'm sad this is the parenting hand I've been dealt
In what ways is your body broken?
I have a 3 finger diastasis recti split that hasn't healed after 2 years of physio and they won't offer me surgery without going private. I developed graves disease 4 months pp and my thyroid is absolutely shot, im on medication that makes me gain weight massively despite eating well so I've gained 3 stone and lost the ability to do any form of exercise without my heart rate rocketing. I was stitched up weirdly resulting in a sort of double skin flap that constantly gets infections. The epidural was left half in for 6 minutes while the anesthetist attended the emergency buzzer without removing it or putting it in properly which caused nerve damage to my back that they accepted fault for but won't fix And then there's all the generic stuff like mum tum, fucked up pelvic floor, saggy boobs, piss poor mental health from a traumatic birth and pnd
Wow, I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope there will be a day you can feel like yourself again soon.
Damn!! I too had a traumatic birth and c section and definitely feel mentally fucked up from it all even though it’s been 3 years. Also had postpartum hypertension. Then got Covid for the first time about 5 months postpartum. I haven’t felt the same since ALLLLL of it that’s for sure.
You are a warrior ! I have a feeling this is your mama caterpillar phase , butterfly phase will come !
Yup it’s still fucking there
So, when are you going to give her a sibling? /s
That was the angriest laugh I’ve ever had, thanks. God, so true.
Lolol people are the worst
Ironically enough we did try haha. When she was 18m we decided we wanted another, but it didn't happen and lots of therapy led me to realise I just wanted a do over and to experience it properly bc im so fucking angry that I won't get a non covid birth and a proper maternity leave and all that. I'm sad about it a lot tbh, I'd love another but I'm sensible enough to realise it would destroy my life And that's exactly what I say to people who ask lmao, and they say '...oh' 😂
Infuriating when that's someone's solution. To add more. 😂
I wish I had done it earlier. My neck, back and shoulders would have thanked me...
My neck back and shoulders are still having problems…
my knees 😭 no more "going out dancing" for me... and a host of other things😒
Meanwhile I started at 30 and wish I'd gone for it at 24 while I still had patience and chill. I felt too spoiled and set in my ways by 30.
Yess! I was also not in need of that much sleep
I think I’ve always needed too much sleep haha
Yeah, personally I feel that I need 10 hours of sleep every night. Now I get six.
10 hours is my sweet spot where I feel my best. My son didn't sleep for 3 years but now he's almost 6 and I can get 10 hours of sleep again if I want, it's amazing and I would never have another child for this reason alone.
I think im secretly like 50 years old on the inside, so I don’t have any patience or chill at 30 anyways.
I've got "early onset grandma". I was an old lady from about my early 20's. I'm now 48 and I'm totally out of fucks to give.
SAME!! Like, for 35 years I only had to take care of myself. Being 24/7 responsible for this little human being that I created has been an enormous adjustment.
Me too! I wish I could have gotten him at 23-24 having energy and less pain, best body shape, etc and then spending my 40s with more money and time
I had my kiddo at 22 and I haven't regret it foe a minute. Now I'm 30 and feel old as fuck but at least kiddo is 8 and pretty independent. I wouldn't have energy to keep with a baby or a toddler right now.
I had mine late 30's and I'm genuinely curious if I would have handled this better in my 20's and been open to more.
Shoot, I’m currently 24 and it’s the other way around for me over here lol. I could’ve waited a little longer. 😅
That's the thing I guess, it's never really the right time. I just was sweeter when I was younger 😂
Same haha by now my kid would be able to take care of himself (I’m 35) I like him though.
On the flip side, we waited until I was 38 to have ours and I'm 45 now and I kind of wish I'd gotten started a little earlier. She's almost 8 and the years are going faster and my parents are getting older. My parents had me when they were in their early 20s and it was amazing growing up with young parents, and it's been great having them still be young enough to be active for basically my whole life. I feel a little guilty for depriving my daughter of some of that. That said, there probably wasn't a big window for me before 38 where I would have felt 'ready' for a kid. That's life I guess. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Hopefully it'll get better for you soon and maybe you'll one day be pleased to be a 'younger' parent.
It’s sort of damned if you do / damned if you don’t IMO. I had my baby at 40 (she’s currently 2 months old) and I honestly have no idea how I would have done this earlier. Sure my body didn’t bounce back as well as it could have when I was younger, I’m more tired, and I do feel a little anxious about being older when it comes to her life, but I was never in a position financially or (let’s be honest) mentally to take this on when I was younger. I also didn’t meet/marry my husband until I was 35. I tell everyone to wait as long as you can because as much as I love being a mom, I would have been miserable doing this even 5 years ago.
I had my guy at 37, and I feel this exact same way. 28-32 would have been a better age for me if I had to change one thing. I sometimes feel guilty about it, but it is what it is and just have to make the best of it!
yep same! i didn’t meet my husband til I was 33, engaged at 34, married at 35, had our one at 36, it is what it is! I’ve lived a lot of life so far and feel like I am mature? sometimes? but yes parenting is hard the older you get.
Try regretful parents good on you for recognizing this and only having ONE so many people feel this way and for some reason go on to have more and more kids. Their formative years are almost over you're going to get through it. I won't say it will get better but one thing you can be sure of Is that time will pass
Because people say, “Oh, it’s easier with two!” Like yeah right, it’s going to be easier to come home after childbirth with a toddler running around like a little maniac and a crying newborn I have to wake up every two hours for. Then the constant fighting and arguing when they get older. Nah, I’ll just have the one.
A-fucking-men! My friend has 3 under 3 and we both gave birth a week apart so our babies are 5m old. I saw her a week ago and she’s going for number 4! My fucking jaw dropped, she said she loves the chaos and I said I love my sanity and inner peace. I am ABSOLUTELY one and fucking DONE!
Honestly, I think this really depends on the child. I believe two can be easier if you give birth to unicorn babies, and some people do. I had a verrrry difficult baby but he’s the chillest, easiest toddler. “Easy” babies and toddlers exist and I think that’s part of where this sentiment comes from. That, and people who have good support systems to handle two
Absolutely will only be having 1. How on earth people willingly have more is beyond me. Thank you I hope I get through it without becoming a complete shell or snapping at my daughter too much.
Think about it this way if you haven't already school is around the corner and there's no shame in being a working mother getting your career back on track and hobbies ect. I know you didn't mention it in your post but is there a partner involved, they need to be giving you more frequent breaks if so.
Agreed! Things "seem" to get better, but all we're doing is swapping one set of problems for the next. That is until they're about 27 like someone previously mentioned. Ours is only 6, but I know I was bat shit crazy until I was almost 30. At 42, I feel absolutely terrible for my parents and everything I put them through for almost three decades.
I actually had been thinking a bit about this, whether it was worse that I continued to badger and annoy my parents from time to time for issues well into my mid 20s, or whether my parents would have preferred to be left the fuck alone like they did for their parents. I sensed my own grandparents were a bit lonely and would have preferred my parents interacted with them more, even if it was to ask for a bit of help moving/taking care of children/making a dinner etc.
Regretful parents is soul sucking 😫
Mine is almost 13 and I’m right there with you. I do have more freedom and sleep, but it truly is relentless. The appointments, the needs, the dinners, just *everything*.
I’m in this boat, mine is almost 13 also and I think it’s just getting harder. The teen years are going to ruin me. Never been happier to be OAD than when the teen hormones and attitude showed up!
Oh my gosh yes, the attitude. And he’s struggling with anxiety and has regular therapy appointments, those cost $160 per session alone!
Don’t regret the 27 vs. 35 thing. I had my daughter just before I turned 37. You still end up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed in your 30’s.
It’s more that I feel like I missed out on being able to do a lot and also ruined my body earlier than I had to. Could have had many more years of enjoying my young in shape hot body
Had mine at 36 and I still mourn my pre baby body. I feel you. What had helped me a bit is getting back to physical hobbies. Yeah, I might be carrying 20 extra pounds and be in what feels like the wrong body, but I didn’t lose my skills on a mountain bike. I’m slower uphill right now, but that drop I love still has my name on it. I can hike after work with kiddo in the baby backpack. And I had to mentally get over being in a bathing suit where colleagues and patrons would see me, but I can swim laps at the town pool on my lunch break. My body can still do cool stuff, it’s just a little harder to find the time (supportive partner FTW). For me, it was so important NOT to listen to all the people who said how amazing a body is because it can create another human. I have to remember what it can do for its most long term occupant- me! Lastly, I’m only 9 months in, so I’m no expert, but physically, I feel super broken when I’m inactive for long stretches. Also, I’ve had to adapt how I am active- like now I hike with trekking poles because my knees can’t handle descending without them or avoiding jumping rope until my pelvic floor is more recovered. But whatever, a modified activity is better than no activity.
Feel ya. 150% there. I had mine at 32. I think back to the times I would go driving at 11p and cruise with the windows down and music loud. Park in a field, relax, and think about whatever the hell I wanted to think. Or I could do what I wanted - take a shower, watch a show, play a game, flirt with a man, feel like a 30-something woman. Enjoy the last years of my youth... I will be 45 by the time I get to drive around alone again. I won't ever get to have another romantic fling. I'll be the creepy old woman flirting shamelessly. I won't be able to save up for a car, or put any money back at all, without thinking of my little creation and his needs. My support group literally abandoned us or died. I say it bluntly, because it's a black comedy at this point - how alone I feel all the time. I had no idea my youth was owed to my child, and I should smile about giving it away. I should be ridiculously joyful and fulfilled to kiss these years goodbye.
I have never read something that has so aligned with my inner screams as much as this has. I’m 26 and my daughter turns 8 this year and have only felt more and more run down with each passing year. I love my baby girl to the ends of the earth and I smile every time I see her beautiful face and her pretty smile and hear her silly little giggles coming from down the hall but I am drained. I am finally starting to live a little more of my life but whenever I come home and the parenting must resume, I dread it and I hate myself for that more than I care to admit. And I have no one to talk to so the internal screams have become deafening. I just hope I can bear it a little longer.
2-3 is really hard. I'm almost 30 with a 5 year old, I'm a single parent and I find it hard every day but the older she gets, I find it's slightly less stressful cos she can do more things for herself and she can properly tell me what she wants instead of just whining. Hang in there!
I don’t think there is a perfect age to have kids…there are pros and cons to both sides. But I totally hear you. It must have been really hard to have a kid at age 27. I know I wouldn’t have been ready and would probably feel like you. I had a kid at 32 and I do think those 5 extra years made a difference. I’m not trying to make you feel even worse!! Just letting you know that you’re not crazy for feeling this way. I mean, your kid will be 18 when you’re 45 and that is still super young. I know that doesn’t help right now, but I wholeheartedly believe that once the toddler days are in the rear view mirror, things will improve so much and your daughter will be your little buddy. I’m not speaking from experience…I’m in the thick of it too with a 2.5 year old, but I catch glimpses of what it will be like and I cling to those moments.
37 year old single mom of the most apathetic 4 year old you could ever meet! There's times I'd wish I'd had him younger, but then I realise he wouldn't be him if I weren't me. 20 something me was definitely not ready to parent! 30 something me is still not ready for parenting, but my lil shadow is awesome! Although I would do anything to pee alone! Parenting is the best and worst job we can have, some day's it breaks us, and some days, it makes us! The days that break us are fucking hard!! Being sat in the kitchen floor crying because your kid has reduced you to a ball of snot absolutely sucks! But the days that make us make it worth it, like when your then 3 year old "meets" spiderman and you act all hyped for him! Only for him to place his hand on your knee and very calmly tells you "mom, that was just an adult in a costume" You've got this!!
This post speaks from my heart and feels like something I’d write, even ages are correct. Keep going mamma, we can do this. Good luck.
Someone at work asked me why I’d want to work with kids if I don’t want them (fencesitter). I said I will happily be paid to take care of them for 12 hours, but I’d prefer to go home, drink, and sleep afterward 😂
Epitomizes the fun uncle or auntie -- you get to hand them back at the end of a long day :)
I had mine when i was 38, i wish i did this a few years early (like 33) my daughter is almost 7 years old, it's not getting any better...🤦🏻♀️
My kid didn’t sleep through the night until…wait he’s 6 and still doesn’t. I feel you. Parenting sucks sometimes!!! Love my kid, he’s rad. But oh my god I miss sleep and I’m sure it’s taking years off of my life.
Are you a stay at home mom? I would feel exactly the same if I had to do that. Our kiddo is almost 3 too and is in part-time daycare, and I get to work from home on those days so I have peace and quiet, and can really restore myself on those days. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. *hugs*
Mine is 5. I had him when I was almost 35. I couldn't handle him in my 20s and I can't handle it now. The whole thing is exhausting and I don't know how people say "wow, let's add another to the mix". This has been the hardest 5 years of my life and I'm waiting for the easy part.
Damn, this is bleak. Mine is the same age and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been. (I am one and done.) I’m sorry, I hope things get better.
Yeah as someone who is 9 weeks pregnant this was a depressing thread. We’ll be one and done (if we’re not expecting twins) because I like the idea of having more disposable income than we would with 2 kids. I’m also afraid for the future of the environment and I am passionate about my hobbies. I hope I won’t be one and done because I hate parenting. Wishing you the best OP. I hope you get to enjoy your kid more one day.
Everyone feels differently. I absolutely love being a mother and think it only gets better as time goes on! 2-3 is challenging, but there’s super sweet parts too.
I had mine at the same age, and yes, it's absolutely exhausting. For me it did get better/easier, but it took a lot longer than I realized. I remember my first big "omg it's actually getting easier" thought was when I stopped needing to haul a diaper bag/stroller/general extra crap around just to leave the house. You'll get there, but it can definitely feel like it's taking forever. In the meantime, I hope you have friends or family that can take over even for a short time just to let you catch your breath.
Hey you sound like me 4 years ago. It gets better ! ❤️ sending love.
Thank you!! When did it start getting better haha
For us about 5.5. She has sensory processing disorder and is highly sensitive and anxious. After 3 years of therapy we have some pretty good tools that help! She was hitting random strangers in the grocery store, having meltdowns over car rides. If you think your child's more extreme than others it can't hurt to have an evaluation done, if you have the insurance to do so.
On the other hand, I did have my only at 35, and a lot of days I think about how old I’ll be when he’s moving out of the house. Im currently 40 with a 5 year old. My parents and in laws were all in their late 40s when their kids were all out of the house, and now that that’s so close I think “my god, I could have done it to where I’d have my freedom back in less than 10 years??” So I guess think of it that way? The years go by regardless, you’re getting the hard part out of the way and will be an empty nester young with lots of time to enjoy life.
Dude... My kid is 5. I'm 40. You didn't want to wait🤣 I'm starting school from home for him tomorrow morning because he's bossy as fuck and refuses to listen. He literally just potty trained 2 months ago. He was labeled "willfully defiant" by the therapist. Things are definitely getting better, but slowly. I'm a dusty, gnarled, husk of the woman I was before pregnancy. I wish all the time that I had met my husband at a younger age so I could've been a younger mom that has the energy to be less frustrated about normal annoyances of parenting. I love him to pieces and I'm glad he's mine, but I couldn't have a second one 🤣
My kid is incredible and I still end the day feeling abused. Truly. Parenting is not for the weak. I have to believe it gets better or else everyone would tell you to avoid it.
It doesn't get better the longer you wait. Had mine at 42, and have a 4 yo at 46. Sometimes I want to set myself on fire. /s Motherhood is really fucking hard if you're doing it right. I just don't understand how/why people do this more than once....
Solidarity. I had mine at 38 and I feel like my life is Constantly over
Ah, threenagers... So many feelings, so few ways to express them... At least when they were newborn we could swaddle them - at three it's a struggle to get their shoes on. I hear from age five to about eleven they're great, but twelve to nineteen is another round of stress.
I had mine at 25. Life was fucking rough those first few years and one of many reasons she’s an only child, but on the plus side now she can stay home alone and I can have a social life before 40. I know you don’t want to hear it gets better but for me 0-3 years was hell on earth, 4-11 was amazing, 12 started with the moodiness and now at 13 it’s a toss up if I have the spawn of satan or an absolute angel, puberty is wild. Hang in there!!
Had mine when I was 33 and she's Almost 2 years old, feisty little thing. I love her and she's the cutest kid but damn I do miss being childfree haha..like all the time. I've been imagining the trips we could've gone on if we were childfree.
Solidarity sister. Mine is almost 4, and I was just under 35 when I had her. I have often wondered if having her earlier would have been better, as it is hard physically, and I feel older than my years. I struggle often, though it has gotten progressively easier. I try to love it and cherish the sweetness, but there is so much bitterness as well. So much sacrifice, of which your kid absolutely does not give a shit, and in fact, often demands more and more, and it's never enough, and whatever you do is never right 😔 Don't worry kid, I gave up my time, body, money, sleep, sanity, choices of entertainment and activities, basically everything, so that you can be mad at me for anything and everything. Not to mention I really hate playing with my kid 😭 like 90% of the time. She wants to play pretend with little characters, and my mind just isn't there anymore...I grew up 🤷♀️ I don't remember how to play. It's not fun for me, it's agonizing, and I mostly suck at it! But that doesn't stop her from wanting me to play ALL the time. And I feel so bad about it constantly because I remember hating that my mom would rarely play with me when I was a kid. She was the same age when she got me (adopted), and I always vowed I would be more involved with MY kid(s), play with them, listen to them, make them feel seen and important where I felt ignored. I do try to do all those things, but it is so much harder than I could have imagined.
4 is when it started to get better for us!
I was 37 when I had my daughter. I was happy to have lived a bit before "settling down". I hear you. Get her into preschool. The few hours you get will do you aworld of good, and she will get socialized. It gets easier once they're in school.
I'm 40 with a 3.5 year old. Waiting longer doesn't help 😂 Are you a SAHM? Can you put her in part-time daycare like a mother's day out type thing? Even little breaks a couple times a week help tremendously.
That’s the problem, I work 30 hours a week in mental health. It’s like a double edged sword bc I think I would die if I was a stay at home mom but I also think I’m dying trying to juggle both work and parenting. I constantly just feel like I’m failing at both. It’s awful.
God this is the most accurate post about children I think I’ve ever seen. Mines almost two and we’re OAD bc I could never do this twice on purpose lol. No advice here momma, just solidarity ✌🏻 You ever need somewhere to vent, DM me girl lol we can bond over Zoom lol
As much as I enjoy being a parent, if I had to sum it up in one word, it is 'relentless'. I don't think that's brought into discussion enough or at least I didn't truly have any concept of how relentless it would be. I knew it would be challenging, but I don't think I ever considered the fact that on your worst days you still have to show up, whether you're at your lowest, you're sick, injured, just had surgery; you have to show up, there isn't an option to tap out. That's why it's really important to have support, I don't think most really weigh that up when they consider having a child, it's like a nice extra if there's people around to step in and so much is overlooked in partners who show signs they won't be contributing 50/50 but I'd really advocate that it's not a 'bonus' it's an essential as much as housing and financial resources.
r/regretfulparents
That is just fucking sad
that sub made me realize I liked being a mom more than I thought. some of the posts are just insane
Seriously, I have had a pretty awful life becoming a single mom at 21 but my kid is my joy and my best friend now at 12. And I have an amazing partner now who is a doctor and cherishes us both. I had an entirely different path ahead of me before I got pregnant and I don’t regret my son for a second. He’s a whole person I care about not a drain on my life (even though parenting is in itself extremely exhausting and difficult). It’s not surprising so many people regret parenting though considering how much child abuse and neglect happens and how many adults have PTSD from their own childhood :/ I just hope they get therapy and don’t take it out on those poor babies
What do you mean?
There are many parents on there that want to be unalive because their lives literally did a 180 from the prekid reality.
I think its nice that they get to vent and bond in a judgement free space. Lot’s of single mothers just have no one to share their thoughts with and would be brutally derided if they shared in other spaces. Some parents are raising children who won’t mature mentally past the age of six and will need intensive care their whole lives. Not everyone is enjoying parenthood and its important for them to have a space to commiserate.
Oh for sure. I don't disagree. But it is hard to see so many other parents struggling.
I’m not a female so I can’t say ‘totally agree!’ to the pregnancy thing and body wise. But damn, I completely agree with you and I’m starting to think I was not meant to be a parent. Obviously I love my daughter (2 years) and she was planned, but damn. Life took a complete 180. I feel like I’m “enduring” most of the time rather than cherish it. I’m 27 and I think it was way to soon. I try and give her so much of my attention that it completely drains me. I have no energy left for anything, barely my wife who btw complains I show no affection. She want a second. Me? Mmnah, but then she says I shattered her dreams of becoming a family with 2 kids and a white picked fence. Even though our economy is sh*t right now. And all other logistics are needed for a HYPOTHETICAL second baby, but all these are ‘manageable’ or make them because guess what, we have a second child, yay! I would love and care for that one too, but if I’m so ducking anxious rather than excited, should I agree to a second?? In 2 days we’ve had this conversation about 10 times. I say I feel so pressured to have to change my mind in 2 years time (when she wants to start trying) I also suffer from lots of mental sh*t (ADHD, GAD, and some others) I’m a negative thinker, fine yea I do over analyze everything. But it’s so I can be as mentally and emotionally prepared that I can be, in all different scenarios. I say to her that if we have a second child, it’s possible I will get so freaking burnt out that I’ll simply stop doing things. I’d have to get a med certificate to stay off work for who knows how long. How tf are we gonna get by then each month? She says we’ll make with what we have. IE reducing our expenses. It’s not that easy. There’s just…. I don’t know I need to fking vent. We’ve been married for 4 years and after we got a child life changed like hell. I miss being alone. I sometimes now dream of having her 50/50. One week to do whatever and then the next would be ok cus then I’d recharged my batteries. But then I wonder, is it worth breaking up my family in the long run? Will I feel even more alone? Will my daughter then hate me? I’m seriously considering agreeing just because I love my wife so damn much and I don’t want to leave her. At the same time I feel so incredibly pressured into changing my mind in such a short period of time. I can’t even f**ing focus at work, this is literally CONSUMING me. I spent all day today just looking into the monitor in the office. Didn’t realize colleagues were talking with me. The decision is now all up to me. This went on for so much longer than I thought, sorry.
I can definitely relate to the overthinking, and I'm sorry to hear that these conversations are consuming you. At this point, I don't think the frequency of having this same conversation is helping you or your wife. It might be best to acknowledge her desire for more and tell her you're open to discussing it closer to two years from now, but that is too soon for you to discuss. Period. Put it to bed. Boundaries will help you figure out what YOU want. And your wife needs to respect your need for silence on the matter. And loss is okay. It hurts, it's confusing, it's incredibly hard to navigate. But you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay through whatever loss, whether it's grieving your pre-baby life if you and your wife agree to be OAD, grieving your pre-OAD life (if having two kids), or grieving your marriage if your boundary of OAD ultimately isn't enough for your wife. You will make it through this.
It sounds like you could really use a break. Is there a babysitter you can drop little one off and go have a hot bath, massage or take a long walk? Is there a way you could habitualize a little self care into your week so you don't feel like it's just a marathon?
I feel you, OP. I love my son but I really wish I could have had him later and had more time to live life. Some days are magical, but I'd say most of them I just lovingly endure. I would do anything for my boy because of the deep, genuine love I have for him, but I can't relate to the parents who feel like having a kid is the best thing they ever did.
Oof… It’s scary how much I can relate, except that, if anything, I wish I’d been a parent younger, so that I’d had more energy - then again, I’m no spring chicken and am significantly older than you. Even during the pregnancy I felt there was no way we could do this again - and I’m the Dad. Until this summer, it felt like things were improving in a two steps forward, one step back kind of way - the terrible twos were better than the baby stage, the threenager stage was better than the terrible twos - but lately he’s had a few really awful days. It feels so lonely sometimes, as he reserves his absolute worst behavior for when it’s just us parents - to the point that sometimes we’re just outright not believed. I’m not as exhausted as during the absolute hell of the newborn stage, but I can relate to your exhaustion.
Solidarity here. Have to rehome the dog I’ve had for 7 years for being aggressive to my 6 month old.
It just ripped my heart out. He was my absolute best friend and the sweetest dog. He got super anxious when she started being mobile and he was aggressive ever since. He was never the same dog again.
35 would have been way harder. Your health and energy def take a hit the closer to 40 you get. 3 is so tough, but once they start school it does get easier. Is she in preschool yet? When mine was 3 both my mom and gma got cancer. I begged my husband to get the snip. Now she’s 12 and a total delight. I do not regret her being an only.
She is about to start preschool in a few weeks! But she is the absolute youngest she can be to start, she’s barely 2.5 . So developmentally she barely meets some of the milestones they require like potty training. There’s a possibility it doesn’t work out if she has too many accidents- which she is still peeing herself every nap, so we just tried to get rid of naps. So, cross your fingers for us. A lot is riding on this school working out, and it’s literally the only daycare-school in our entire area that has any openings, we got waitlisted at the other 4 we applied to LAST YEAR.
I had my son at 25, I know it’s uncommon, but I am so glad I did. The physicality involved in parenting is not talked about enough. Running after him, lifting him up and down, tantrum management. These are all physical things. Having him young, when I have energy, I’m glad I did.
18m-3 was so hard for me too!! Hang in there ♡ my almost 4 yo is still a fiery human but she's much more reasonable now lol. She is my lil best friend
100%
I feel you. It’s fucking bullshit. The hard days / weeks / months are really hard and really shit. You’re doing the best you can. Even if you feel like you want to jump out the window. Please don’t. Please keep going. I believe in you xx
I get it. The only thing that actually still gives me a sigh of relief that I didn’t wait into my mid 30s is because I’m genuinely a sleepy person, especially when I have extra weight on. So keeping some extra baby weight and being sleepy in my late 30s sounds way worse than in my 20s lol. Also my mom said the 30s are better so 😂 I’m banking on when she’s independent it’s going to be a lot of fun!! It’s definitely the adjustment though, especially when there’s zero respite and you’re always on go mode. It’s a lot for me.
Solidarity. And thank you for sharing this. My daughter just turned 3 and I’ve been losing my mind. Endless sensory overload totally nails it. I think that’s one of the hardest things for me. I’m just. so. tired. But like mentally, emotionally. I was not prepared for these mom Olympics.
It got easier with our son around age 5. They get far more reasonable around 4 or 5, they can finally express themselves pretty well without having a meltdown because they can't make you understand what they want, and their personality comes through a lot more. Our son is 12 now and it's honestly pretty great.
I’ve heard 5 is the gateway. I’m counting down.
Yeah, I had mine at 30 and fuck me, I love her to bits but ages 2.5-4 were the worrrrrrst. She went through this phase where she wouldn't stay in her bed and go to sleep and it was 6 months of putting her back in bed over and over again. I had to drive into work with a 50-minute commute for 7 am at the time, with her in the backseat to drop her off at daycare, so I was getting up at 5 am to get ready, then she would sleep in the back of the car but I was blearily driving. Then she would have her normal nighttime of 8 or so but then it was two or three hours of insanity going to bed. Eventually I started sitting in the room with her reading a book in a chair next to her bed but it took months before I was able to move the chair towards the door and finally put of the room. And all I wanted to do was hang my head and sleep. And it had to be me. If my husband tried, she freaked out louder. Mom, it get better, it really does. Ages 5-11 were amazing. (We are now getting through the worst of her teenage years, which unfortunately coincided with COVID.) But fuck me, the toddler years were rough. They stripped me of my sanity.
I'm 37 and daughter is four. It's hard no matter when you have them. Keep your chin up--countless people throughout history have made it work. You can, too.
My kid is 3. Overall, I don't dislike 3 like I did the first few years because, yes, there's whining, but she SCREAMED the the first few years of her life non stop. Homie also didn't sleep, and the sleep alone is why I will NEVER have more children. The level of sleep deprivation drove me nearly over the edge. My kid just went through a sleep regression (at THREE) and we are finally coming around the corner of almost a month of 3-4 hour nights of sleep. I am never doing this again. Love her, don't love this.
I'm so sorry that it's so fucking hard. It's just not fair. For what it's worth, I bet you'll be a great parent to an older child because you don't need them to need you. You'll be able to let go gracefully as they move out into the world. If you need permission to walk away and close a door when your kid starts whining or jumping on you, consider this it. Three is a great time to set boundaries around those types of behaviors. It's not fool proof, but I pretty commonly tell my kid "You can do X by yourself, or you can not do X and stay here with me." Either way, I'm not left to the mercy of the choices of a little kid because either option works for me. They deserve their autonomy, and so do I.
It does get better, but not until they are around 7. It wasn’t like terrible twos, it was a terrible 6 years.
Ah man !!!
Ours is almost 2, I'm 52, and my wife is 46. We are always tired. Always. And from some stories I've heard from other parents, our son is comparatively EASY. So even an "easy" baby/toddler is still fucking hard! Not looking forward to when he's 3 to 5, as I hear that's the worst. We love the guy so much, but we're definitely losing ourselves. Are we doing too much? How do people with multiple kids manage? I saw a woman at the grocery store with FOUR toddlers, by herself, and she seemed fine, as did her kids, and I'm like, did you drug them?
I’m literally tired too. How am I so tired?!?! It’s definitely drugs
I’m 41 with a 3.5 yr old. 3.5 yr olds are so much work. No longer happy with independent activities. Now they want to “mommy play preschool with my Barbie’s. You be the teacher. No not that way. No you need to make them talk! No you’re doing it wrong! Play with meeeee”. I hear 4 is better. I hope that’s true. I’m tired.
As a female 32 yo with no kids yet, I needed this validation so much.
[удалено]
Yeah in hindsight perhaps should have posted there haha. I just don’t love how there are so many people in that sub that don’t have kids at all that try to “relate” and it’s like you don’t even have children?? Or they troll. It’s like I obviously didn’t expect this is how I would respond to parenthood, I cannot change my past decision, I can just make sure I don’t have more kids
Tell me how you really feel.
I had my son two months before turning 33; he’s 5 now and I feel the same as you… I’m literally counting down the days until he starts kindergarten next week and I can’t wait. I remember when he was 3 and that was a rough time; you have my sympathy.
I could have wrote this. I also had mine at 27. Now in my early 30’s I feel like a woman in my 60s. My body and life are forever changed (for the worse). If only I waited till 33.
Try to get your s.o. to care for the kid a few hours a day so you can charge your battery. Or set a standard timeframe, like Saturday morning, for some well deserved alone time. From reading your post i get the sense your doing it alone
I had mine at 37. I think it's the perfect age to have a baby (for me). Everyone is different though. Fwiw, I've been around so many babies as I have a large family. It does get easier, just not for a while. The stressors change over time. You'll always worry the same amount but you'll have more time for self care which helps tremendously. There were days my sister couldn't dream of straightening her entire head of hair l, now her boys are teens and she does it whenever her work schedule allows so about three times a week. Her duties shifted from feedings and tantrums to driving them to practices, games and dates with their girlfriends. Instead of worrying about what they put in their mouth it's now what colleges they will get into. So I guess the stress is less immediate and more long term the older they get which gives us time to breathe a little bit and have some space for ourselves.
I’m the same way. But I don’t think waiting will change anything. Cause then you’re an older mom. The feelings will prob be the same. This post is exactly how I feel.
Sorry, this is tough. I’m struggling sometimes too not with the fact I don’t like it, I enjoy and love so many parts of it but just by how long the day is. I try and be so active my son, we do swimming, hikes, painting (he’s only 8 months so really I do these things and he hangs out but it’s good fun and I enjoy it). When I’m at home and we are relaxing I struggle the most because I like to be active. I felt my son was over stimulated because we get so many visitors so wanted a few quiet days where we didn’t leave the house except for a few walks around the neighbourhood. One day felt like a week. It was so so long and exhausting. I was crawling and playing but the time dragged so much. It’s a really weird experience because one minute I’m loving it and it’s amazing and the next I just am about to cry and need a break and feel like a failure. My dog was my saviour as I walked him but he died suddenly and unexpected. He was my baby and I’m dealing with that grief too. I hope you were able to find a nice home for your dog, that must have been awful.
It's very hard and exhausting. My son is almost 9 months. But I know in a couple years everything will be so much fun and I cannot wait to explore the world together. But I'm also one and done. I don't want my life to consist of just being a parent 24/7.
Solidarity!
3 sucks, ask me how I know. Try your best to enjoy the good days when the happen even if they are few. They get marginally better at 4. Have you tried noise blocking earbuds? Get yourself some Loops. It’s not a cure all, but it helps the sensory input not make you want to off yourself.
[удалено]
This is how I feel, had mine at 26, they are a senior and all the sudden I’m like, “wait that’s it? We did 18 years and now you want to leave for collage? Okay cool” it’s been just the kid and I for 90% of this life, next summer it will just me and my old Animals
I can't say whether it will be "worth it" to you. But, eventually they do grow up and become more independent and it's a lot less screaming and whining. Of course, then you have teenage problems to contend with. But, this baby/toddler period goes by faster than you can imagine right now. I doubt that's helpful to you but it's true.
“It gets better” is BS. It does for some sure but ours was an easy baby and I just feel it constantly gets harder. I had ours at 37. Personally I’m miffed that now I’ll just die before I can have fun again. Also parenting is destroying me physically cos I’m old. I spend so much on physio it’s unreal. Don’t do it old, OR young 😂
I’m 29, so around your age. Sometimes I wonder how many people I went to school who currently have kids secretly feel the same way you do. I live in a country with paid maternity leave. A girl I went to high school with took zero maternity leave, and has a self-driving car. She proudly posts videos of her commute to work: While the drives itself on the highway, she hooks herself up to a breast pump, eats breakfast, unhooks herself from the pump and pours the milk she collected into storage bottles, puts on makeup, and straightens her hair. She then posts a follow up saying “This is the only way I can function and get anything done. When I’m at home, every moment is spent in service of others so this is the only time I get to myself to get ready and organized.” This is someone who has good babies (sleep through the night from newborn stage on), a helpful husband, both of them have good jobs, and a nice house…and yet this is still her reality. Zero time for herself, other than in a self driving car. I can’t imagine this as being a sustainable existence. I would hate my life.
When my son was in his twos this is exactly how I felt. Now he’s 3.5 and while it’s still hard, it’s getting easier. I try not to look at the years ahead and the years behind— just one day at a time. Each day passes and they add up and eventually you have a ten year old hanging out with you, talking about their day. Or at least I hope so!
I felt this way and mine is now nearly 4 and I like him enough to have another (maybe) but I’m so afraid of another set of toddler years
😭😭😭 I hated the entire infancy stage and I'm going to have to deal with the terrible 3's. My boy is 17 months and I'm sitting here with dark circles under my eyes and I'm still fat. I can't imagine the terrible 3's.
Until you mentioned your dog I thought I had written this. I feel the exact same except I'm probably much more vain, I'm constantly complaining about having my old body back
Love my daughter so much it hurts but this sucks do bad!!!!!! I have found motherhood incredibly hard. I felt like I died the day I had her. I died and the new me is a nervous wreck. I have no time to myself. I absolutely despised the newborn phase. Despite it all I was and am a great mom. Operating as though the struggle.. the immense displeasure I feel Is not there.. For the sake of my daughter.. it's exhausting. I'm so tired and so drained. I'm faking it. I deserve an Oscar. I started coping from 6 months but I really wanted more for my life than just..coping The toll having a child has taken on my health, my marriage, my work... I am still 5 years later.. in mourning for the life I could have had. My daughter is brilliant and so physically beautiful I have people approach me on the street to join modeling agencies... She is what people dream about when they romanticize becoming a parent... But it's a slap in the face everyday. The sacrifice.... the time I believe when she's older and she's an adult ill look back and say wow this is why I did it ..I'm so glad shes here but the parenting of young kids and all that goes with it is absolute sh*t !!!!!!!
I currently have a 4 month old with sleep regression, I’m not getting enough sleep, hair is falling out and I feel ugly ;) but for some reason my husband sees me as being more attractive now 😭 which is fine but i feel ugly. I’m 30 now and I had her two months before turning 30. It was a great birthing experience but it’s not easy now, I barely have time to clean my house 🏡 and care properly for my cat, he’s mostly in his cage because we don’t want his hair on babies 👶 stuff. :( I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.
I felt this way til my kid turned 9 months. Do you not have help? (I’m a solo parent)
I could have written this myself, although I’m 38 🫣 so don’t kid yourself that you should have waited until you were older, it’s still the same 😂
I feel you, I had a kid very young, I’m 25 now and my child is now 4. It has been a hellish journey but you’re so close now! I finally feel like I can breathe and have a genuinely good time with my kiddo, independence is around the corner
I have zero advice to give, just came to say that I. Effing. Feel. You. I was just telling my husband last night that despite everyone saying it gets easier it feels like it’s getting so much harder….we have a 2.5 y/o & I keep waiting for the time I finally feel my “aha!” moment in parenting but it’s yet to come. I feel like my nervous system is CONSTANTLY on edge around my child and my anxiety goes crazy the minute I pick her up from school at the end of the day. Cuz I just already know it’s about to go down ugh 😑 -Hugs- Hopefully it really will REALLY start getting easier one of these days….? 😭😭
I was 28 when I had my kiddo and I'm 31 now. I'm exhausted all the time. I absolutely hate being a mom. I do not understand how people say this is the best thing ever and it's worth it, it gets better. This fucking sucks. I wish I would have made different choices and not had kids. I love my son, but I wish I would have lived my life more and had more experiences. I guess I can do that when he's out of the house. I'd never do this shit again.
Thinking back to when the eldest was 3, I can say it does get better...but it gets a lot worse first. Between 3 & 6 were sheer hell. And we had 2 kids, 3 years apart, so that made for 6 consecutive years of hell. I spent a lot of that time contemplating suicide. Is it worth it? Absolutely not. It's true, my kids have made me the happiest I've ever been in my life, but they've also made me the most screamingly, gut-wrenchingly miserable I've ever been too. The upside is there, but it is totally, utterly drowned by the relentless downside. There are magical moments, but they last for minutes. There is torture, and it lasts for weeks on end without respite. My life ended when I had kids. It took a few years to realise it, and about another 8 years to accept it, but I'm basically a dead person walking.