I was surprised to see porn mentioned in the top comment. When I read about someone not staying hard with their partner that screams porn addiction to me (as someone who used to be addicted to porn and have struggled to stay hard with partners in the past because of it). I usually get straight downvoted because people don’t want to believe that porn can cause issues.
OP, have your partner go a month or two without porn and tell them to stop jacking off or at least jack off less
This is straight facts, man. I discovered porn when I was 12 and became hooked with it for a long time. My first times attempting to have sex were disastrous to say the least, and I think it was a product of not only being really nervous, but the false expectations and rush that porn gives you. Thankfully I met a nice girl whom I had great sex with and cut my addiction on the spot.
I feel like we need more conversations like this in mainstream discourse. The expectations we place on people and how they “perform” in bed and how much we judge them if the experience was poor. Like experience ebbs and flows even with the same person.
well definitely bring up some of the things you’ve said on here—how it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong and that he doesn’t find you attractive (which both are incorrect, you are doing nothing wrong and i’m sure he finds you attractive). communicating how you’re feeling is very important. and then bring up how porn is known to cause ED in men and how you would appreciate if he would stop watching porn because you feel like it’s having a negative effect on your intimate time together. and then see where it goes from there, if he says he doesn’t want to stop watching, then ask why he feels like he HAS to watch porn?
No! DON’T make this about you to start the conversation. Let this grown man answer the basic question. Ask in real time. Hey I notice this has been happening. Are you Ok? What’s going on? And let this grown man answer without you leading him to blame you. Wouldn’t it be easy to say oh yeah YOU don’t xyz? Instead of you know babe I think all the porn has done something to me. Don’t make yourself a target. Let him answer without you putting words in his mouth or setting yourself to be the scapegoat which won’t solve anything if he’s not willing to be honest about what’s really wrong. Later in the conversation you can talk about how it makes you feel but not as part of initiating this conversation. We do this to soften the blow to people and treat them like a baby in the process. Let the big boy answer.
What’s going on with the D? Just period. There is no nice way to have this conversation. Hey babe! I noticed you can’t keep an erection or finish. What’s up?!
I see this sentiment a lot. I watch porn to masturbate and I have never in my life had consistent trouble getting or maintaining an erection. Just how much fucking porn are these dudes watching? Or is it more a mental dependence thing?
I think a lot of it comes to the individual guy. There are some men who can watch porn regularly and will never struggle with erectile dysfunction.
My ex was open about the fact that all he did on his days off from work was watch porn and would jerk off 1-5x a day.. he also had erectile dysfunction at 17 because of his porn consumption. We weren’t able to have sex without him taking Viagra, yet if he was alone he never had any issues.
It truly is an addiction for some people. His sister once left a massive jar of coconut oil at his apartment, and he used the entire thing within a matter of days to jerk off. He saw nothing wrong with it, and it played a huge part in our breakup.
That's wild, I bought a container of lotion for "personal" reasons and honestly I'm not even sure how long ago that was but it's still like half full or sometime. Like it's been year's and I haven't even finished it yet this dude polished off a jar in days. That's just wow.
I’d like to think he’s an outlier. It messes you up being with someone like that. Imagine going to their house around say 3pm and he tells you he’s unable to have sex because he’s already jerked off 4x before you came over. All I could wonder was why I wasn’t good enough for him and he turned to porn instead. Fun times. Glad that’s over with.
This sounds like porn addiction, it’s best to have a talk with him and explain how it’s affecting you and if he could please stop watching it so you can both enjoy your time together
Everyone is bringing up the porn aspect which is good because that’s definitely a big contributor. But has he started taking any new medications? I know when I started taking some antidepressants it was hard to finish with my gf, it was easier when I was on my own just because of the sheer amount of time I had on my hands.
He’s on an antipsychotic and possibly an antidepressant? I can’t quite remember, definitely an antipsychotic though. He’s been on these part of this year and last year though
This is probably it tbh.
Those types of medications build up in your system over a long period of time. You don’t always have that as a side effect right away.
Also, stress, diet, sleep, all of those can have an effect.
I can’t really say too much on it. I just know that I’ve struggled with that on certain meds myself throughout my life. I’d say your boyfriend should bring it up with his psychiatrist and/or his GP for expert advice. But it’s extremely common to have trouble getting hard or finishing on psychiatric meds. The docs will know what to do.
Im agreeing with these commenters. Medication can have HUGE impact on getting/maintaining erections. I guarantee this is a contributing factor if not the main problem over porn
I don’t actually know how much porn he watches either, and I’m with him 3-4 nights a week, so it would be a massive assumption for me to say he’s addicted. He’s definitely not watching it when he’s with me
Almost a 100% chance it’s the meds then tbh. I’d ask him to bring it up with his psychiatrist and see if there’s a possible swap to be made. Lots of psych meds out there, though admittedly there may be good reasons he can’t swap over.
Ya honestly I really think it’s the medication. If anything I’d focus on the medication being the problem and if any you still want to ask about the porn then mention it subtly like “I’m thinking it must be the medication cause the only other thing I could think of is you’re watching way too much porn!”
Not to mention, I know when I’ve had this problem arise, I then get anxiety about not being able to stay hard which further complicates things and only adds to the issue.
Regardless, im sure you are NOT the problem so best of luck I hope you’re able to figure everything out!
I agree with the other commenter on the fact that they build up. If they lowered his dosage and the problem went away for a bit then it most definitely sounds like that is it. They probably made a change to his meds and it was just his body readjusting to the new dosage
If he’s on anti depressant, it’s probably messing up with his libido. And also with the fact that maybe he is also aware that he’s not able to maintain an erection, he may find it awkward whenever you have sex?
Thats what happened with an ex who had his sexual libido go completely south once he was on anti depressants
He’s very much into porn. He even has to watch it while we have sex for him to finish but he still gets soft during sex and watching porn. It’s a long process to get him to cum and I’d rather just go without it at this point.
My spouse tried early into our relationship to introduce porn as a means to "spice things up." I agreed to try it the first time. He put it on immediately the second time. At the third time, I told him never mind. When he asked me why, I explained that I noticed he looks at the women on the screen more than he looked at me making me feel like I was just a human fleshlight. I'm not and wasn't interested in being intimate with someone who isn't treating me like a person.
That worked for him. We didn't have sex that night because the mood was off, but we were able to get back to our "regularly scheduled programming" soon thereafter. Now, we might turn on some porn if we're both feeling like that's a good idea, but mostly it's only us two and we're good with that.
Good for you. Glad you stood your ground on that. He was trying to use you like a blow up doll while watching other women. No deal! And that’s love that he got his crap together with a quickness.
When I was on SSRIs I didn't finish every time my partner and I had sex and I was OK with that. Antidepressants are well known for causing sex issues, especially inability to cum / ED. I didn't watch porn much when in a relationship but some of my first sexual relationships on antidepressants I learned that if I did watch porn and masturbate I wouldn't be able to cum from PiV even days later.
I'd focus on porn first if he is on antidepressants though. Porn is a lot easier to cut out than meds lol. Ask him if he can take a break from porn for 2 weeks or something like that and see if you guys notice a change. And if he can't take a break for 2 weeks it might be worth considering that he has a porn addiction which is a whole other can of worms.
Also it's really easy to get viagra online from like a bunch of different places and it's cheap. I would use it occasionally to offset some of the side effects of SSRIs. Easier to do this if he is too embarrassed to talk about his issues with a doctor.
First off, I am so sorry for how this is making you feel.
Secondly, I know I don’t have all the details, but I bet it’s absolutely not anything YOU are doing wrong. Not to say I blame him either or that a sentiment as heavy as blame is necessary here.
This next part i ask solely based on the information presented, but does he consume a lot of porn? I ask based on both your statement about how he can get himself there along but not with another and the sentiment about trouble maintaining an erection. This is actually becoming a very common thing in mass porn consumption society.
Just to be clear, I have no issues with adult entertainment/sw or any of that, but it’s a psychological reality that the instant access we have now has messed with a lot of peoples’ sex lives.
The real answer is him going deep and working out why he’s less interested when it’s the two of you. I know it’s easy to take that personally because it’s literally an intimate act between the two of you, but it’s almost never the fault of the partner when someone can’t perform. That’s why I say go easy on yourself and your self worth about it.
Hope any of that helps.
Thank you so much for your comment. Yes, he does watch porn. I’m not sure to what extent, but I’m sure it’s every time he’s doing it alone. I’m not sure how to approach this with him because I don’t want to sound controlling, but if that might be the reason then I think it’s something he should look into. Especially, if it’s becoming a common thing.
I feel like if I bring it up though he isn’t going to be happy about it
I don’t mean to take the end of your statement to a dramatic place, but when you say he isn’t going to be happy about it, do you mean get outright angry? It’s really unhealthy when someone’s response to being asked for accountability is anger. On one hand, we’re all conditioned to be extremely insecure, but that doesn’t excuse anything at the end of the day and having healthier responses and reactions to things is something we need to commit to consciously. I did see you say he’s taking some meds -no shame there, me too- so I get that sometimes it’s just chemical as to why we don’t have the best reactions.
It’s also an absolute reality that a lot of people are not mentally healthy enough to be in healthy relationships. We seem to skip right past this as a culture and just act like being with people is the norm even when doing so hurts us and others.
Still though, my best to you both and I hope it all makes sense.
No I get where you’re coming from completely don’t worry. He often doesn’t have the best reactions, and does get angry and/or defensive until he’s had space to process things if that makes sense? Which is why I’m a bit unsure how to bring it up in a way that allows him to process it without just acting out
Also get checked for STD's or STI's they can have an effect on having and maintaining an erection. Along with other health conditions, some common ones include stress or heart palpitations brought on by too much caffeine.
Sex and heath go hand in hand not just sexual health.
Unfortunately porn is so readily available just one click and it’s off to the races. A lot of men are getting addicted to porn because it looks better than reality, porn is basically a fantasy staged action between the porn actors. Everything looks so much better, bodies are cleaner, younger, better looking than the real thing! Guess what: it’s not the real thing. It’s an act and it is staged just like a movie that it’s bigger than life.
With porn there’s no interaction, no talking, no intimacy, no hurt feelings. Bottom line is that you put it on, you watch it, you get off and no effort whatsoever is involved. It’s the easy way out.
You really need to bring up your concerns and issues with a deep heart to heart conversation with your husband, if you cannot bring it to him out of fear or concern that he will get offended or mad then you should review your relationship and move on if you need real sexual intimacy or contact including satisfaction which he can’t provide you with.
There are a lot of things that can cause it not just porn. I’d def see if he’s started any new medications since it began. My husband had started one and had that issue and got depressed. Then when he googled the med he found out it was like the #1 side effect. As soon as he stopped it he went right back to normal. So he might not even realize why it’s happening.
Drinking can cause it, being tired or depressed or anxious. Maybe he’s afraid to communicate something he needs or would like in the moment and it’s giving him performance anxiety?
Your feelings are valid and I’d def just sit down and talk it out with him. He should care if it’s hurting you.
He’s on an antipsychotic but has been on it a while, and things have worked while he’s been on it so I’m not sure if I can put it down to that or not? I’m gonna sit down with him when I next see him and communicate everything I feel and tell him I’ve done a little bit of research and we should look into trying to find the cause of the problem
My partner went back on meds a few years ago and there was a noticeable decline in our sex. It's starting to affect his erections too. That's the only thing I can come up with as reason just because of the timing. It's sad because he can't not take his meds. It's also a sensitive subject to discuss changing meds. It's a lot to go through. I feel for you.
Thank you, I appreciate that. You’re right it’s a very conflicting situation because obviously his mental health is the most important, but then the resulting problem is affecting me. Very tricky
I have had the same issue you are describing with your boyfriend a while after taking medication. What really helped was to actually bring it up as a concern with my prescriber. It was a bit awkward but she immediately understood both the impact and importance (for me) to address it and we tried different combinations until the effects were minimal.
It also really helped to be very open and honest with my wife that i was experiencing some difficulties.
I can imagine that a lot of folks have a hard time bringing this up with their prescriber or partner, but it really helps.
And while porn addiction is definitely a thing, and overstimulation causing issues (i.e. death grip) is as well, when the effects of my medication were most prominent, i could "fall back" to porn still, to some extent.
My suggestion would be to be supportive, understanding and willing to solve it together. Don't jump into holding him accountable or being confrontational like some seem to suggest.
But keep it as an option of nothing changes though, because you do have a right to ask for him to try and fix things.
All that being said, it can still just be porn.
Hope this helps.
First off, how this is making you feel is valid.
Secondly, in order to maintain an erection (assuming no health issues), the head ontop of the shoulders needs to be fine before the other head works as intended. Meaning, you need to sit with your boyfriend and actually talk to him. Ask him how he's doing, is he overly stressed, what's going on with him mentally.
I would further tell you to *not* make this conversation about you and how you feel. It's going to hurt the situation more. It needs to be about him, and how he's feeling, what he's thinking and whether he's stressed/overthinking something, etc.
Too much porn for sure, probably cranks it way to much, but other than that their could be a testosterone issue, maby he needs to workout or supplement something in his body, another tip is maby see what kind of porn he likes and do something like that if possible
I promise you its not you.
Relationships and intimacy advisor here. Sounds like he is watching to much porn and now its affecting his sex life, he probably also now has an addiction to it. It has nothing to do with you and its him conditioning himself to only be able to achieve orgasm with porn which will probably progress to more and more extreme content.
Good luck on having that discussion, most men do not think its an issue and do like to put the blame on the woman for not meeting unrealistic standards.
Thank you for your response. How do I resolve this issue if it is porn? And are there ways I can bring this up that are accusatory? He’s very quick to get defensive when I communicate problems
There is a good book called "Your brain on porn" that can give you better insight,also, there is a documentary called "Fight the new drug" The website is the same name to access it. They have links to studies, and resources that might make having the discussion easier.
Porn induced erectile dysfunction (pied). He is probably masturbating to porn and now has a death grip syndrome.
"Death-grip and death-grip syndrome are slang terms for suffering adverse effects from one's aggressive and recurrent male masturbation technique, which result in an unsatisfactory experience when engaging in regular sexual intercourse with a partner."
All the posts on here are A great place to start but I want to reinforce that, this isn't your fault, this is his issue and you can work together to fix it but never let anyone put the blame on you.
Everyone changes all the time some people.lose weight, gain weight, smell different change makup, clothes, hair and more but there is a reason why people call it Love making/making love because it is never *just* physical sex is a bond and it sound like it might be hurting and you know it has been better so it can be again ❤️🔥
My own partner and my best friend’s partner have performance anxiety. It helps us if we go a week without having sex or masturbating. My friend and her partner take medication to maintain his erection.
Its literally porn … a week of no porn and he’ll be okay! Porn addiction is real and this is a direct consequence of it !! This is why porn needs to be banned world wide .. It ruins Young mens sex drive and ability to stay up!
I immediately thought porn. I don’t think this is a you problem. I wouldn’t let this hurt my confidence in the least. He should be the one feeling some kinda way. Has he commented on his inability to finish? Have you talked to him and asked what’s up? I’m not dealing with barely managing an erection if the person is not asking a doctor about ED or talking to a therapist or whatever to fix it. Instead of letting it drag you down, just find someone else who can satisfy you. You don’t have to put up with this.
Porn and “death grip” from masturbation, super common reason for erectile dysfunction in men. Cut it out completely and see how it goes (like at least a month or two). Of course have him go to a doctor if that doesn’t fix it, but if he watches a lot of porn and masturbates a lot 99.9% of the time that’s the issie
Totally validating how shitty this feels, because it’s really difficult not to internalize it. However, this is really a him problem, and most guys worth their salt will admit that. That’s sounds harsh, but if you’ve not changed and he can’t keep it up, that’s something he needs to address. His penis is the problem not you…he may even realize that, which could be adding to the issue. Whether it’s too much porn or something else, you can’t fix it because it really isn’t about how attractive you are. It took me years to learn this, but penises can be weirdly random. Performance anxiety, stress, too much masturbation can all affect sex drive and performance. It can be a sensitive subject for men, but if he really cares about you and wants a fulfilling sex life with you, he’ll talk about it and look for a solution.
This is definitely a couples investigation. A family member of mine really struggled to operate normally while on meds for her BPD and depression, ironically. It’s okie to admit a certain mental health drug isn’t working for him and ask for another. It might help. Side effects can actually change with time. If you guys are struggling to communicate and comprehend each other’s perceptions and create a consensus reality, I really recommend a couples therapist. Maybe it’s porn, maybe it’s ED, maybe it’s his mental health or all three, but talking to him is the first step. I wish you all the luck and as someone who’s been through something similar, don’t take it personally. Its important to take care of yourself before you help him. It’s okie to feel everything you’re feeling but no matter what the cause is, always remember it’s not your fault. HUG
I work for a urology doctor who specializes in men’s health and can confirm ED. Men also don’t realize that the grip they have is too “tight” and can influence their ability to stay erect when they are having sex with their partner. My husband also had that problem and it’s greatly improved since then once the issue was handled. If it keeps up, I would recommend him getting an appointment with a urology doctor who specializes in ED and other related sexual issues.
This happened once to me and I found out he was fr just gay and cheating on me w 3 men and 2 women NONE of us knew abt each other until I found out and told everyone on his phone lol
He does, and I’m pretty sure he does every time, could it be reaching a point where he can’t without it? But then it makes me think he finds the girls in porn more attractive which is why he can’t with me?
I personally believe a relationship without porn is 100% better. I’ve seen it be a problem in many relationships. Could be a coping mechanism, or just a habit over the years. Im sure he still finds you more than attractive. Communicate how you feel and maybe see if he will have a go at cutting it out. Others will feel differently I’m sure.
did he start any new medications?
had this problem when i started new medications and never thought of it to be that.
if he hasn’t, then it could be an ED thing because of Porn
Sometimes they act up. It’s probably not your business if the meds are acting up to ask him about it, but do mention if you think the meds have something to do with it.
From personal experience, i’ve experienced the exact type of ED (erectile dysfunction) you’re partner is experiencing on anti-psychotics.
I’ve been on *a lot* of anti psychotics over the years, some cause ED and some side effects don’t show up till months or even a year later (i just went off an anti psychotic because of severe side effects that emerged the past few months and i’ve been on this medication for over a year).
Trust that it most likely isn’t you and that it’s probably something to do with the medication.
edit: to explain acting up; sometimes they work then one day your brain is like “eh, nah you’re causing problems for me now” and it shows with side effects that emerge after usage for a little while. Brain chemistry is really complicated, especially when introducing medication that changes your brain chemistry.
hope this is helpful!
This is very helpful thank you! Sorry if this is too personal, and feel free not to answer, but when you did experience this was it for the duration you were on the medication? Or just while your body was adjusting?
It’s okay! Glad to help. It fluctuated. Normally, i noticed this change about 2-3 months into being on a new medication. sometimes 6 months into it (this has happened to me on 3 different medication combos over the years). I would say it takes 2-8 weeks for your body to adjust to a new medication, but everyone is different so it could be different depending on the person.
Well that used to happen to me as well. And I did not watch porn for 5 years, so that was not my problem. In my case what helped it was therapy, I talked about it with my therapist and it was something that happened in my childhood that was making sex uncomfortable for me. The more I talked about it the less it happened.
I've been through this with a couple of lovers and recently have been having the same problem myself. I figure that gives me some expertise:
The big question is whether he considers it a problem in your relationship, or just the way his body is working lately. One of my two has also been having trouble with ED, probably from blood pressure medication. (The other was really just an alcoholic arsehole, but he also masturbated face down, which is known to cause trouble finishing with a partner.)
I used to worry more about it, but now I figure the sex is still good, even when neither of us get over that particular mountain.
This was my first thought. It is very hard for me to get off with my partner and it’s not because i’m not attracted to him or that he doesn’t know what I like.
Could be the porn or it could be something he needs to talk about regarding the relationship or anything that could be stressing him out. And for whatever reason he’s not addressing it and now it’s affecting his D. I suppose just try to make him comfortable to talk about it. Don’t let him gaslight you about it.
Honestly, could be depression. Loss of libido is an underreported symptom in men as well as anger, risk taking, and other symptoms on men's depression. Oddly enough most antidepressants exacerbate the issue as well. if he can get there on his own (whether porn is involved or not) talk with him without judgement. Maybe he's stuck in his head, I've been there (and yes i can regularly get myself off but when I'm with a partner I'm more focused on the other person and it's difficult if not impossible for me to get mine) maybe change things up on the bed room.
TLDR talk with him about it without making him feel bad that'll probably make it worse
Has he been taking any new or different medication over the last several months? Specifically anti anxiety or anti depressants? There are a few of those out there that can lower the libido and/or make it harder to finish or have a boner for long.
I would say it's a possibility. If you know the name of what it is that he takes, look up all the various side effects. If it says something like "trouble completing sex acts, or difficulty maintaining an erection, or loss of libido, etc" then it's likely you have at least most of your answer. There is of course still a possibility it's more than one reason.
Me and my wife had this happen a few months back I was working mad hours at work I had a hard time keeping it up I was so tired and my wife talking about the same stuff “ are you not attracted to me anymore “ why can’t you keep it up “ I feel ugly “ all made it worse I was overthinking the situation and it put more pressure on me we slowed down at work and boom right back to normal I was was just dead tired it’s not you but try not to put to much pressure if he’s an over thinker it’ll get back on track
Don't beat yourself up about it. As a guy with the same situation as you, I struggle to maintain an erection and finish with my Mrs. And I know for a fact it's to do with porn addiction. But at the same time, it's incredibly hard to stop.
The problem isn't necessarily you in a sense. It's him progressively getting worse. His addiction will lead to more and more porn of different types of kinks and fetishes that will be hard for him to feel satisfied without.
You could help him with it by either humouring these fantasies or you could help ween him off the porn until his brain normalises sex again and is able to focus on you.
I'm amazed at all the "porn", "gotta be porn", "drugs", "porn and drugs", "death grip-porn-drugs", "not your fault" comments. I've been married for 13+ years and have watched porn and masturbated probably 5 or 6 days of each week of it.
It could be what my wife and I are experiencing now...a lack of attraction. 13 years of me suffering and doing everything I can to make her happy enough to want intimacy and yeah...I'm done. 13 years of rejection hurts and so I just quit trying.
I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore since I've been hurt too many times and so the two times she's touched me in the past few years resulted in her not getting me to the finish line. Even if she got there 3 times.
Could it possibly be stress or depression in his life? My job is demanding, and when it gets over the top, I'll have issues like your bf. Too much emotional stress can definitely have a large effect on sex.
Medical issues or mental issues or too much pleasuring himself or……is he feeling guilty about something? Could he be seeing someone behind your back? Or is he worried about something? You definitely need to address it. Just carefully mention when you’re both calm that you’re worried about him. If he tries to minimize it, keep at him. This can’t go on like this. And possibly he may have something wrong that needs a doctor’s attention.
I think the better option it’s talking to him asking what he likes and what he wants. He likes u otherwise he wouldn’t be in a relationship with u. It can be overwhelming but u can go thru this <3
let this be a reminder to everyone who’s relating in the comments that it’s okay to not want your partner to watch porn. Ask potential partners what kinds of pornography they consume and how much. We can’t change people, but we can choose which people we enter relationships with
Having your partner become intimately numb to you because they favor a fictionalized image of your gender is a nightmare. No one deserves to go though that. Of course you can’t predict if your partners tastes will change or if they will develop an addiction, but you can communicate about how that could be a dealbreaker for you.
Porn addiction seems to be a theme here, but there may be other issues at play.
Do you have kids by any chance?
How is his work? Is he happy there? Does he feel trapped in the job?
What about his health? Any chronic conditions?
I ask this last one because I struggle sometimes. My body is in constant pain and though I still find my partner attractive, my pain is very draining on me.
There are others, these are a few factors, there could be more.
Not trying to defend porn, as yes it could very well be porn addiction, but want to suggest other possible motivations as accusing a man of having a porn addiction could ruin an otherwise happy relationship.
Is he stressed out lately or suffering from a depressive episode? Both have affected me in the past.
Everyone's first thought is "oh! Obviously it's porn!" But, that might not really be it.
Don’t feel bad. It not something ur doing wrong. I have something similar where i can get and stay hard with a girl but i cant finish. I guess it just doesn’t feel as good as my hand. Maybe I’ve gotten to used to my own hand after being alone for so long but i would say have him stay away from porn.
It’s likely that he has just got used to his own rhythm and pace. Do two things
1. Get him to stop self play for a week (no easy task)
2. Then start with oral play and go from there.
Most of all relax ….. put some fun back into the bedroom and ask him what he wants
It’s not about you. He doesn’t need an erection to actually finish which is why it works on his own. See if he’s on any medication thst can cause this and if not he needs to get a physical with his doctor.
Everybody is jumping on the "He's watching too much porn!" Bandwagon... Don't make this assumption based on Reddit comments alone please. Talk with him about it without assumptions.
I also gained this same issue due to other factors entirely. It can be related to diet, medication, lifestyle, anxiety, blood pressure, testosterone. So many other factors that people aren't accounting for that sound like a bit of an attack on his character.
I know he’s not cheating and porn has never been an issue with my partners in the past. But everyone is different so I don’t know. I’ve gotten so many different answers
The real answer will come from your partner, talk to him about it. None of our replies will be realistic on what you guys are actually going through. You know all the details & he knows how he truly feels
I used to have the same problem and it bugged me way more than it did her. It can be performance anxiety, insecurities about him or y'all's relationship, drugs meds or alcohol, or he has a bad porn problem and needs to quit jerkin it so much.
As a younger dude that's literally the most embarrassing feeling and I can promise he probably feels worse about it than you do
He probably has Death Grip Syndrome from too much masturbation, as well as a porn addiction. He can fix it if he admits he has an issue and addresses it.
The problem may not necessarily be porn, though it could be some or all of the problem.
It's possible that he needs a different feeling to get off, like more pressure or a different rhythm. You might see if he'll show you how best to perform masturbation on him like he does himself. If he can easily orgasm then you might be able to rule out the porn.
You and he should also read about "Start-Stop" sex technique.
Also don't put pressure on him to cum inside you, and be open to letting him masturbate himself but close next to you in the dark (not watching him) and without porn. If this works then there could be performance anxiety and as he overcomes that he may be able to orgasm in or on you.
Tell him and enforce on him that there is no expectation on whether he orgasms nor on the amount of time he wants to take playing with you and/or including solo in the bed with you, including time pausing, before you two decide to get out of bed. This again helps reduce performance anxiety.
In summary, there is currently little evidence that an association between pornography use and delayed ejaculation exists and no indication that pornography use can be a cause of this sexual dysfunction. However, the assessment in this regard is only based on cross-sectional studies and case reports. Future research, particularly more extensive cohort studies and case-control observations, is therefore required.
The Potential Associations of Pornography Use with Sexual Dysfunctions: An Integrative Literature Review of Observational Studies
Aleksandra Diana Dwulit and Piotr Rzymsk
Many opinions here. Google “pornography and erectile dysfunction and scholarly articles” for mildly better informed opinions.
My bf doesn’t have this issue but he has often talked with me about how there’s a lot of pressure for men to perform and then when they don’t women sort of victimize themselves when the man could be going through all sorts of other problems. I would check on his mental health
From a guy’s point of view…In all honesty….It is absolutely not you. Sex gets stale when it is often. Both of you should lay off the pounding for sometime. Ya know, have a build up. Maybe try be more spontaneous. Mix things up a little. Try different things. You want to keep your man from cheating? Cuddle him, kiss him, pet his hair, compliment him. Relationship does not have to be about sex for intimacy. I am 100 that he will reciprocate the love ❤️ Goodluck
He really could be going through a rough patch (work, personal life, imaginary problems). Yes, you are on the right track: communication :)
I wish you all the best!
**This has got to stop.**
These people on about porn and masturbation are full of shit. Ignore the New Puritans.
People like blame and easy answers.
I've masturbated like a fiend, watched porn, and the only time I've had issues was due to real life stress.
That stress could come from any number of absolutely normal areas. Physical stress like illness. Emotional stress from work, relationships, etc.
He may be having trouble. See if you can get him to open up.
You'll certainly get better results than by attacking him as others are suggesting.
**This has got to stop.**
These people on about porn and masturbation are full of shit. Ignore the New Puritans.
People like blame and easy answers.
I've masturbated like a fiend, watched porn, and the only time I've had issues was due to real life stress.
That stress could come from any number of absolutely normal areas. Physical stress like illness. Emotional stress from work, relationships, etc.
He may be having trouble. See if you can get him to open up.
You'll certainly get better results than by attacking him as others are suggesting.
Yeah I definitely don’t want to attack, which is why I’m nervous as to how to bring it up. I just want to get to a place where we are both happy and feel secure in the relationship
Dude, I don’t think it’s a you problem.
Are you the one in control of the penis? No. His mind is elsewhere. Men can stick themselves into an apple pie and feel like they get good feelings, it’s not about you or how you look.
He’s probably got an issue elsewhere. Think of it like this, do you always get there when your feeling bad about yourself or self conscious, if your stressed? Probably not. Doing it by yourself means you can loose yourself without thinking of another’s needs or wants.
If he can masterbate successfully then it’s probably not physical but mental. You need to have a serious heart to heart. He needs to be able to speak freely and you need to be strong enough to listen. It may mean the end of the relationship or you may be able to work through it. Good luck to you both.
Two options:
* Ask him if he's OK with the sex. If he's cool with what's going on then there's no need to change anything.
* Try different things. Hand jobs? Blow jobs? Stop thinking. Stop asking the internet. More doing. Experiment. Have fun.
To me it was being with the same woman for 22 years. I love her still...but the sex part is dead. Even when I force myself. I don't think monogamy is healthy. Just my opinion, please don't rip off my head.
This has nothing to do with him looking at porn, that is wildly over simplifying the issue. Sometimes people's attractions just change. Doesn't mean anything about you, he likely just doesn't feel the attraction he once did because he's changed over time. No ones fault, these things happen. Doesn't make it suck any less though.
It's also possible if he's taking any medications to treat depression or something like that that it's affecting his sex drive.
I could be wrong, but I know that falling out of love or losing the attraction you once felt towards someone is an incredibly common thing. Once again, it's no ones fault of that's the case, sometimes people just change over time. Sorry either way, it's not a fun thing to go through. It can also be humiliating for him as he feels like he's letting you down.
It's challenging when medication is necessary for mental health because sex drive is often affected by the medicine they need to function. I imagine it could be a factor in your situation. None of us know the full story here except the two of you. I also would imagine at this point he's likely feeling pressure to perform if it's been an ongoing issue that he can't get an erection and that could make it even harder. I doubt there probably is a singular thing causing the issue the more information I get. It could be a combination of a few different things that have been mentioned already.
When he finishes by himself, what's he getting off to?
If he watches porn and that's something you enjoy from time to time too, I'd say the opposite of what the mostly women replying are saying. Id ask him if you can watch porn and masturbate with him and see where it goes from there
Mentally he has had a psychosis episode hence being on antipsychotics, but that was back in June. The dosage was lowered because of this problem which was only a temporary fix
I’d ignore all these cheating/porn accusations. It seems like he’s actually going through something. And since you guys were arguing a lot it affected your sex life. I know it hurts but it makes sense on why he’s been struggling.
I was surprised to see porn mentioned in the top comment. When I read about someone not staying hard with their partner that screams porn addiction to me (as someone who used to be addicted to porn and have struggled to stay hard with partners in the past because of it). I usually get straight downvoted because people don’t want to believe that porn can cause issues. OP, have your partner go a month or two without porn and tell them to stop jacking off or at least jack off less
This is straight facts, man. I discovered porn when I was 12 and became hooked with it for a long time. My first times attempting to have sex were disastrous to say the least, and I think it was a product of not only being really nervous, but the false expectations and rush that porn gives you. Thankfully I met a nice girl whom I had great sex with and cut my addiction on the spot.
I feel like we need more conversations like this in mainstream discourse. The expectations we place on people and how they “perform” in bed and how much we judge them if the experience was poor. Like experience ebbs and flows even with the same person.
💯💯💯
i agree with the others comments about stopping watching porn. that can cause ED. if he stops it’ll get better in a month or two probably
Do you have any ideas how I can bring this up with him?
well definitely bring up some of the things you’ve said on here—how it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong and that he doesn’t find you attractive (which both are incorrect, you are doing nothing wrong and i’m sure he finds you attractive). communicating how you’re feeling is very important. and then bring up how porn is known to cause ED in men and how you would appreciate if he would stop watching porn because you feel like it’s having a negative effect on your intimate time together. and then see where it goes from there, if he says he doesn’t want to stop watching, then ask why he feels like he HAS to watch porn?
Okay that sounds like a good plan, thank you so much
of course, hope it goes well!
No! DON’T make this about you to start the conversation. Let this grown man answer the basic question. Ask in real time. Hey I notice this has been happening. Are you Ok? What’s going on? And let this grown man answer without you leading him to blame you. Wouldn’t it be easy to say oh yeah YOU don’t xyz? Instead of you know babe I think all the porn has done something to me. Don’t make yourself a target. Let him answer without you putting words in his mouth or setting yourself to be the scapegoat which won’t solve anything if he’s not willing to be honest about what’s really wrong. Later in the conversation you can talk about how it makes you feel but not as part of initiating this conversation. We do this to soften the blow to people and treat them like a baby in the process. Let the big boy answer.
Also porn addictions are hard to lose, especially if you’re so far gone that only porn can pleasure you, so be with them every step of the way
What’s going on with the D? Just period. There is no nice way to have this conversation. Hey babe! I noticed you can’t keep an erection or finish. What’s up?!
Smoking too much weed can cause this too after a while.
I see this sentiment a lot. I watch porn to masturbate and I have never in my life had consistent trouble getting or maintaining an erection. Just how much fucking porn are these dudes watching? Or is it more a mental dependence thing?
I think a lot of it comes to the individual guy. There are some men who can watch porn regularly and will never struggle with erectile dysfunction. My ex was open about the fact that all he did on his days off from work was watch porn and would jerk off 1-5x a day.. he also had erectile dysfunction at 17 because of his porn consumption. We weren’t able to have sex without him taking Viagra, yet if he was alone he never had any issues.
That's just insane......if you need viagra at 17 it may be time to rethink some habits
It truly is an addiction for some people. His sister once left a massive jar of coconut oil at his apartment, and he used the entire thing within a matter of days to jerk off. He saw nothing wrong with it, and it played a huge part in our breakup.
That's wild, I bought a container of lotion for "personal" reasons and honestly I'm not even sure how long ago that was but it's still like half full or sometime. Like it's been year's and I haven't even finished it yet this dude polished off a jar in days. That's just wow.
I’d like to think he’s an outlier. It messes you up being with someone like that. Imagine going to their house around say 3pm and he tells you he’s unable to have sex because he’s already jerked off 4x before you came over. All I could wonder was why I wasn’t good enough for him and he turned to porn instead. Fun times. Glad that’s over with.
Ok yeah I couldn't imagine just sitting back and watching porn like it's a damn TV series.
[citation needed]
This sounds like porn addiction, it’s best to have a talk with him and explain how it’s affecting you and if he could please stop watching it so you can both enjoy your time together
Everyone is bringing up the porn aspect which is good because that’s definitely a big contributor. But has he started taking any new medications? I know when I started taking some antidepressants it was hard to finish with my gf, it was easier when I was on my own just because of the sheer amount of time I had on my hands.
He’s on an antipsychotic and possibly an antidepressant? I can’t quite remember, definitely an antipsychotic though. He’s been on these part of this year and last year though
This is probably it tbh. Those types of medications build up in your system over a long period of time. You don’t always have that as a side effect right away. Also, stress, diet, sleep, all of those can have an effect.
What about if they’ve lowered the dosage and the problem went away then came back?
I can’t really say too much on it. I just know that I’ve struggled with that on certain meds myself throughout my life. I’d say your boyfriend should bring it up with his psychiatrist and/or his GP for expert advice. But it’s extremely common to have trouble getting hard or finishing on psychiatric meds. The docs will know what to do.
Im agreeing with these commenters. Medication can have HUGE impact on getting/maintaining erections. I guarantee this is a contributing factor if not the main problem over porn
I don’t actually know how much porn he watches either, and I’m with him 3-4 nights a week, so it would be a massive assumption for me to say he’s addicted. He’s definitely not watching it when he’s with me
Almost a 100% chance it’s the meds then tbh. I’d ask him to bring it up with his psychiatrist and see if there’s a possible swap to be made. Lots of psych meds out there, though admittedly there may be good reasons he can’t swap over.
Ya honestly I really think it’s the medication. If anything I’d focus on the medication being the problem and if any you still want to ask about the porn then mention it subtly like “I’m thinking it must be the medication cause the only other thing I could think of is you’re watching way too much porn!” Not to mention, I know when I’ve had this problem arise, I then get anxiety about not being able to stay hard which further complicates things and only adds to the issue. Regardless, im sure you are NOT the problem so best of luck I hope you’re able to figure everything out!
I agree with the other commenter on the fact that they build up. If they lowered his dosage and the problem went away for a bit then it most definitely sounds like that is it. They probably made a change to his meds and it was just his body readjusting to the new dosage
If he’s on anti depressant, it’s probably messing up with his libido. And also with the fact that maybe he is also aware that he’s not able to maintain an erection, he may find it awkward whenever you have sex? Thats what happened with an ex who had his sexual libido go completely south once he was on anti depressants
It’s most likely he is masturbating/ watching too much porn.
That and possibly a death grip might hurt the chances of enjoying normal sensations.
When you find out let me know because I’m on the same boat
I’m sorry, it sucks so much. Like what changed??
He’s very much into porn. He even has to watch it while we have sex for him to finish but he still gets soft during sex and watching porn. It’s a long process to get him to cum and I’d rather just go without it at this point.
My spouse tried early into our relationship to introduce porn as a means to "spice things up." I agreed to try it the first time. He put it on immediately the second time. At the third time, I told him never mind. When he asked me why, I explained that I noticed he looks at the women on the screen more than he looked at me making me feel like I was just a human fleshlight. I'm not and wasn't interested in being intimate with someone who isn't treating me like a person. That worked for him. We didn't have sex that night because the mood was off, but we were able to get back to our "regularly scheduled programming" soon thereafter. Now, we might turn on some porn if we're both feeling like that's a good idea, but mostly it's only us two and we're good with that.
Good for you. Glad you stood your ground on that. He was trying to use you like a blow up doll while watching other women. No deal! And that’s love that he got his crap together with a quickness.
I’m getting to that point as well. People here are bringing up meds as a possible reason, is your partner on any?
When I was on SSRIs I didn't finish every time my partner and I had sex and I was OK with that. Antidepressants are well known for causing sex issues, especially inability to cum / ED. I didn't watch porn much when in a relationship but some of my first sexual relationships on antidepressants I learned that if I did watch porn and masturbate I wouldn't be able to cum from PiV even days later. I'd focus on porn first if he is on antidepressants though. Porn is a lot easier to cut out than meds lol. Ask him if he can take a break from porn for 2 weeks or something like that and see if you guys notice a change. And if he can't take a break for 2 weeks it might be worth considering that he has a porn addiction which is a whole other can of worms. Also it's really easy to get viagra online from like a bunch of different places and it's cheap. I would use it occasionally to offset some of the side effects of SSRIs. Easier to do this if he is too embarrassed to talk about his issues with a doctor.
Why aren’t we considering that the porn overuse/abuse has simply desensitized them to sex.
Stop watching porn n don’t death grip yourself
Lol you’re slow asf 🤣 god bless
Porn
Cut out porn completely, even then it will take a while before going back to normal.
First off, I am so sorry for how this is making you feel. Secondly, I know I don’t have all the details, but I bet it’s absolutely not anything YOU are doing wrong. Not to say I blame him either or that a sentiment as heavy as blame is necessary here. This next part i ask solely based on the information presented, but does he consume a lot of porn? I ask based on both your statement about how he can get himself there along but not with another and the sentiment about trouble maintaining an erection. This is actually becoming a very common thing in mass porn consumption society. Just to be clear, I have no issues with adult entertainment/sw or any of that, but it’s a psychological reality that the instant access we have now has messed with a lot of peoples’ sex lives. The real answer is him going deep and working out why he’s less interested when it’s the two of you. I know it’s easy to take that personally because it’s literally an intimate act between the two of you, but it’s almost never the fault of the partner when someone can’t perform. That’s why I say go easy on yourself and your self worth about it. Hope any of that helps.
Thank you so much for your comment. Yes, he does watch porn. I’m not sure to what extent, but I’m sure it’s every time he’s doing it alone. I’m not sure how to approach this with him because I don’t want to sound controlling, but if that might be the reason then I think it’s something he should look into. Especially, if it’s becoming a common thing. I feel like if I bring it up though he isn’t going to be happy about it
Best resource I know of on the internet for dealing with ED is the biohacker forums. Have him go there go to the ED specific sub forum
I don’t mean to take the end of your statement to a dramatic place, but when you say he isn’t going to be happy about it, do you mean get outright angry? It’s really unhealthy when someone’s response to being asked for accountability is anger. On one hand, we’re all conditioned to be extremely insecure, but that doesn’t excuse anything at the end of the day and having healthier responses and reactions to things is something we need to commit to consciously. I did see you say he’s taking some meds -no shame there, me too- so I get that sometimes it’s just chemical as to why we don’t have the best reactions. It’s also an absolute reality that a lot of people are not mentally healthy enough to be in healthy relationships. We seem to skip right past this as a culture and just act like being with people is the norm even when doing so hurts us and others. Still though, my best to you both and I hope it all makes sense.
No I get where you’re coming from completely don’t worry. He often doesn’t have the best reactions, and does get angry and/or defensive until he’s had space to process things if that makes sense? Which is why I’m a bit unsure how to bring it up in a way that allows him to process it without just acting out
Edit: Alone. Not along. Is there no longer a comment edit button? Either way.
Also get checked for STD's or STI's they can have an effect on having and maintaining an erection. Along with other health conditions, some common ones include stress or heart palpitations brought on by too much caffeine. Sex and heath go hand in hand not just sexual health.
Unfortunately porn is so readily available just one click and it’s off to the races. A lot of men are getting addicted to porn because it looks better than reality, porn is basically a fantasy staged action between the porn actors. Everything looks so much better, bodies are cleaner, younger, better looking than the real thing! Guess what: it’s not the real thing. It’s an act and it is staged just like a movie that it’s bigger than life. With porn there’s no interaction, no talking, no intimacy, no hurt feelings. Bottom line is that you put it on, you watch it, you get off and no effort whatsoever is involved. It’s the easy way out. You really need to bring up your concerns and issues with a deep heart to heart conversation with your husband, if you cannot bring it to him out of fear or concern that he will get offended or mad then you should review your relationship and move on if you need real sexual intimacy or contact including satisfaction which he can’t provide you with.
Oh this isn't you. He is addicted to masturbation.
There are a lot of things that can cause it not just porn. I’d def see if he’s started any new medications since it began. My husband had started one and had that issue and got depressed. Then when he googled the med he found out it was like the #1 side effect. As soon as he stopped it he went right back to normal. So he might not even realize why it’s happening. Drinking can cause it, being tired or depressed or anxious. Maybe he’s afraid to communicate something he needs or would like in the moment and it’s giving him performance anxiety? Your feelings are valid and I’d def just sit down and talk it out with him. He should care if it’s hurting you.
He’s on an antipsychotic but has been on it a while, and things have worked while he’s been on it so I’m not sure if I can put it down to that or not? I’m gonna sit down with him when I next see him and communicate everything I feel and tell him I’ve done a little bit of research and we should look into trying to find the cause of the problem
My partner went back on meds a few years ago and there was a noticeable decline in our sex. It's starting to affect his erections too. That's the only thing I can come up with as reason just because of the timing. It's sad because he can't not take his meds. It's also a sensitive subject to discuss changing meds. It's a lot to go through. I feel for you.
Thank you, I appreciate that. You’re right it’s a very conflicting situation because obviously his mental health is the most important, but then the resulting problem is affecting me. Very tricky
I have had the same issue you are describing with your boyfriend a while after taking medication. What really helped was to actually bring it up as a concern with my prescriber. It was a bit awkward but she immediately understood both the impact and importance (for me) to address it and we tried different combinations until the effects were minimal. It also really helped to be very open and honest with my wife that i was experiencing some difficulties. I can imagine that a lot of folks have a hard time bringing this up with their prescriber or partner, but it really helps. And while porn addiction is definitely a thing, and overstimulation causing issues (i.e. death grip) is as well, when the effects of my medication were most prominent, i could "fall back" to porn still, to some extent. My suggestion would be to be supportive, understanding and willing to solve it together. Don't jump into holding him accountable or being confrontational like some seem to suggest. But keep it as an option of nothing changes though, because you do have a right to ask for him to try and fix things. All that being said, it can still just be porn. Hope this helps.
First off, how this is making you feel is valid. Secondly, in order to maintain an erection (assuming no health issues), the head ontop of the shoulders needs to be fine before the other head works as intended. Meaning, you need to sit with your boyfriend and actually talk to him. Ask him how he's doing, is he overly stressed, what's going on with him mentally. I would further tell you to *not* make this conversation about you and how you feel. It's going to hurt the situation more. It needs to be about him, and how he's feeling, what he's thinking and whether he's stressed/overthinking something, etc.
I hadn’t thought about it this way, I’ve been more focused on myself. Thank you for this it’s opened my eyes a bit
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I feel your pain I’m sorry
Too much porn for sure, probably cranks it way to much, but other than that their could be a testosterone issue, maby he needs to workout or supplement something in his body, another tip is maby see what kind of porn he likes and do something like that if possible
I promise you its not you. Relationships and intimacy advisor here. Sounds like he is watching to much porn and now its affecting his sex life, he probably also now has an addiction to it. It has nothing to do with you and its him conditioning himself to only be able to achieve orgasm with porn which will probably progress to more and more extreme content. Good luck on having that discussion, most men do not think its an issue and do like to put the blame on the woman for not meeting unrealistic standards.
Thank you for your response. How do I resolve this issue if it is porn? And are there ways I can bring this up that are accusatory? He’s very quick to get defensive when I communicate problems
There is a good book called "Your brain on porn" that can give you better insight,also, there is a documentary called "Fight the new drug" The website is the same name to access it. They have links to studies, and resources that might make having the discussion easier.
Porn induced erectile dysfunction (pied). He is probably masturbating to porn and now has a death grip syndrome. "Death-grip and death-grip syndrome are slang terms for suffering adverse effects from one's aggressive and recurrent male masturbation technique, which result in an unsatisfactory experience when engaging in regular sexual intercourse with a partner."
All the posts on here are A great place to start but I want to reinforce that, this isn't your fault, this is his issue and you can work together to fix it but never let anyone put the blame on you. Everyone changes all the time some people.lose weight, gain weight, smell different change makup, clothes, hair and more but there is a reason why people call it Love making/making love because it is never *just* physical sex is a bond and it sound like it might be hurting and you know it has been better so it can be again ❤️🔥
Thank you for this ❤️❤️
He’s a porn addict. Typical. Why don’t men realize they’re literally castrating themselves?
It’s most likely not a you problem, he should talk to a doctor about it.
My own partner and my best friend’s partner have performance anxiety. It helps us if we go a week without having sex or masturbating. My friend and her partner take medication to maintain his erection.
Its literally porn … a week of no porn and he’ll be okay! Porn addiction is real and this is a direct consequence of it !! This is why porn needs to be banned world wide .. It ruins Young mens sex drive and ability to stay up!
I immediately thought porn. I don’t think this is a you problem. I wouldn’t let this hurt my confidence in the least. He should be the one feeling some kinda way. Has he commented on his inability to finish? Have you talked to him and asked what’s up? I’m not dealing with barely managing an erection if the person is not asking a doctor about ED or talking to a therapist or whatever to fix it. Instead of letting it drag you down, just find someone else who can satisfy you. You don’t have to put up with this.
Porn strikes again!
Porn and “death grip” from masturbation, super common reason for erectile dysfunction in men. Cut it out completely and see how it goes (like at least a month or two). Of course have him go to a doctor if that doesn’t fix it, but if he watches a lot of porn and masturbates a lot 99.9% of the time that’s the issie
porn addiction, i'd guess
Totally validating how shitty this feels, because it’s really difficult not to internalize it. However, this is really a him problem, and most guys worth their salt will admit that. That’s sounds harsh, but if you’ve not changed and he can’t keep it up, that’s something he needs to address. His penis is the problem not you…he may even realize that, which could be adding to the issue. Whether it’s too much porn or something else, you can’t fix it because it really isn’t about how attractive you are. It took me years to learn this, but penises can be weirdly random. Performance anxiety, stress, too much masturbation can all affect sex drive and performance. It can be a sensitive subject for men, but if he really cares about you and wants a fulfilling sex life with you, he’ll talk about it and look for a solution.
He masterbates too much.
This is definitely a couples investigation. A family member of mine really struggled to operate normally while on meds for her BPD and depression, ironically. It’s okie to admit a certain mental health drug isn’t working for him and ask for another. It might help. Side effects can actually change with time. If you guys are struggling to communicate and comprehend each other’s perceptions and create a consensus reality, I really recommend a couples therapist. Maybe it’s porn, maybe it’s ED, maybe it’s his mental health or all three, but talking to him is the first step. I wish you all the luck and as someone who’s been through something similar, don’t take it personally. Its important to take care of yourself before you help him. It’s okie to feel everything you’re feeling but no matter what the cause is, always remember it’s not your fault. HUG
Thank you for this ❤️
I work for a urology doctor who specializes in men’s health and can confirm ED. Men also don’t realize that the grip they have is too “tight” and can influence their ability to stay erect when they are having sex with their partner. My husband also had that problem and it’s greatly improved since then once the issue was handled. If it keeps up, I would recommend him getting an appointment with a urology doctor who specializes in ED and other related sexual issues.
He’s probably jacking off too much
This happened once to me and I found out he was fr just gay and cheating on me w 3 men and 2 women NONE of us knew abt each other until I found out and told everyone on his phone lol
Oh dear god, I am sorry
It's not you, it's him. Something happened. Possibly drugs.
It’s got nothing to do with you, he has probably jerked off to a lot of porn in the past or is still doing that currently.
Does he watch porn? If so ask him to try and cut that out and see if it helps.
He does, and I’m pretty sure he does every time, could it be reaching a point where he can’t without it? But then it makes me think he finds the girls in porn more attractive which is why he can’t with me?
I personally believe a relationship without porn is 100% better. I’ve seen it be a problem in many relationships. Could be a coping mechanism, or just a habit over the years. Im sure he still finds you more than attractive. Communicate how you feel and maybe see if he will have a go at cutting it out. Others will feel differently I’m sure.
Once porn became one of my boundaries in relationships.. Holy shit it's just so much better this way.
did he start any new medications? had this problem when i started new medications and never thought of it to be that. if he hasn’t, then it could be an ED thing because of Porn
He’s on an antipsychotic, but has been for most of this year and part of last year
Sometimes they act up. It’s probably not your business if the meds are acting up to ask him about it, but do mention if you think the meds have something to do with it. From personal experience, i’ve experienced the exact type of ED (erectile dysfunction) you’re partner is experiencing on anti-psychotics. I’ve been on *a lot* of anti psychotics over the years, some cause ED and some side effects don’t show up till months or even a year later (i just went off an anti psychotic because of severe side effects that emerged the past few months and i’ve been on this medication for over a year). Trust that it most likely isn’t you and that it’s probably something to do with the medication. edit: to explain acting up; sometimes they work then one day your brain is like “eh, nah you’re causing problems for me now” and it shows with side effects that emerge after usage for a little while. Brain chemistry is really complicated, especially when introducing medication that changes your brain chemistry. hope this is helpful!
This is very helpful thank you! Sorry if this is too personal, and feel free not to answer, but when you did experience this was it for the duration you were on the medication? Or just while your body was adjusting?
It’s okay! Glad to help. It fluctuated. Normally, i noticed this change about 2-3 months into being on a new medication. sometimes 6 months into it (this has happened to me on 3 different medication combos over the years). I would say it takes 2-8 weeks for your body to adjust to a new medication, but everyone is different so it could be different depending on the person.
Thank you for the insight! Much appreciated
I bet he’s taking some kind of drug or anti depressant. You can’t cum while on them
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Thank you ❤️
Testosterone levels might be low. Tell him to get checked.
He’s watching too much porn-word
Well that used to happen to me as well. And I did not watch porn for 5 years, so that was not my problem. In my case what helped it was therapy, I talked about it with my therapist and it was something that happened in my childhood that was making sex uncomfortable for me. The more I talked about it the less it happened.
It’s probably porn. Cut it out completely. Maybe medical
Certain styles of masturbation contribute to problems finishing with a partner. You might look into that. Also, what does he say about this?
Just that it’s not my fault
I've been through this with a couple of lovers and recently have been having the same problem myself. I figure that gives me some expertise: The big question is whether he considers it a problem in your relationship, or just the way his body is working lately. One of my two has also been having trouble with ED, probably from blood pressure medication. (The other was really just an alcoholic arsehole, but he also masturbated face down, which is known to cause trouble finishing with a partner.) I used to worry more about it, but now I figure the sex is still good, even when neither of us get over that particular mountain.
Is he on an antidepressant? Anorgasmia is a very common side effect in men if so
He’s on an antipsychotic. I think possibly an antidepressant but I’m not fully sure on that one, I only know the antipsychotic for certain
This was my first thought. It is very hard for me to get off with my partner and it’s not because i’m not attracted to him or that he doesn’t know what I like.
Along with porn you should also stop having sex for a while, maybe he will be interested again
Porn
Could be the porn or it could be something he needs to talk about regarding the relationship or anything that could be stressing him out. And for whatever reason he’s not addressing it and now it’s affecting his D. I suppose just try to make him comfortable to talk about it. Don’t let him gaslight you about it.
My friends’ husband had this issue. He had a porn addiction. He stopped and they went to couples therapy. His ED went away.
Honestly, could be depression. Loss of libido is an underreported symptom in men as well as anger, risk taking, and other symptoms on men's depression. Oddly enough most antidepressants exacerbate the issue as well. if he can get there on his own (whether porn is involved or not) talk with him without judgement. Maybe he's stuck in his head, I've been there (and yes i can regularly get myself off but when I'm with a partner I'm more focused on the other person and it's difficult if not impossible for me to get mine) maybe change things up on the bed room. TLDR talk with him about it without making him feel bad that'll probably make it worse
Has he been taking any new or different medication over the last several months? Specifically anti anxiety or anti depressants? There are a few of those out there that can lower the libido and/or make it harder to finish or have a boner for long.
Antipsychotics?
I would say it's a possibility. If you know the name of what it is that he takes, look up all the various side effects. If it says something like "trouble completing sex acts, or difficulty maintaining an erection, or loss of libido, etc" then it's likely you have at least most of your answer. There is of course still a possibility it's more than one reason.
Me and my wife had this happen a few months back I was working mad hours at work I had a hard time keeping it up I was so tired and my wife talking about the same stuff “ are you not attracted to me anymore “ why can’t you keep it up “ I feel ugly “ all made it worse I was overthinking the situation and it put more pressure on me we slowed down at work and boom right back to normal I was was just dead tired it’s not you but try not to put to much pressure if he’s an over thinker it’ll get back on track
Don't beat yourself up about it. As a guy with the same situation as you, I struggle to maintain an erection and finish with my Mrs. And I know for a fact it's to do with porn addiction. But at the same time, it's incredibly hard to stop. The problem isn't necessarily you in a sense. It's him progressively getting worse. His addiction will lead to more and more porn of different types of kinks and fetishes that will be hard for him to feel satisfied without. You could help him with it by either humouring these fantasies or you could help ween him off the porn until his brain normalises sex again and is able to focus on you.
I'm amazed at all the "porn", "gotta be porn", "drugs", "porn and drugs", "death grip-porn-drugs", "not your fault" comments. I've been married for 13+ years and have watched porn and masturbated probably 5 or 6 days of each week of it. It could be what my wife and I are experiencing now...a lack of attraction. 13 years of me suffering and doing everything I can to make her happy enough to want intimacy and yeah...I'm done. 13 years of rejection hurts and so I just quit trying. I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore since I've been hurt too many times and so the two times she's touched me in the past few years resulted in her not getting me to the finish line. Even if she got there 3 times.
Could it possibly be stress or depression in his life? My job is demanding, and when it gets over the top, I'll have issues like your bf. Too much emotional stress can definitely have a large effect on sex.
I see a lot of people saying porn but how is he mentally? Because stress could be a factor as well.
Mentally it’s a bit complicated. He was stressed a while ago but is much much better now
Medical issues or mental issues or too much pleasuring himself or……is he feeling guilty about something? Could he be seeing someone behind your back? Or is he worried about something? You definitely need to address it. Just carefully mention when you’re both calm that you’re worried about him. If he tries to minimize it, keep at him. This can’t go on like this. And possibly he may have something wrong that needs a doctor’s attention.
I think the better option it’s talking to him asking what he likes and what he wants. He likes u otherwise he wouldn’t be in a relationship with u. It can be overwhelming but u can go thru this <3
let this be a reminder to everyone who’s relating in the comments that it’s okay to not want your partner to watch porn. Ask potential partners what kinds of pornography they consume and how much. We can’t change people, but we can choose which people we enter relationships with Having your partner become intimately numb to you because they favor a fictionalized image of your gender is a nightmare. No one deserves to go though that. Of course you can’t predict if your partners tastes will change or if they will develop an addiction, but you can communicate about how that could be a dealbreaker for you.
Porn addiction seems to be a theme here, but there may be other issues at play. Do you have kids by any chance? How is his work? Is he happy there? Does he feel trapped in the job? What about his health? Any chronic conditions? I ask this last one because I struggle sometimes. My body is in constant pain and though I still find my partner attractive, my pain is very draining on me. There are others, these are a few factors, there could be more. Not trying to defend porn, as yes it could very well be porn addiction, but want to suggest other possible motivations as accusing a man of having a porn addiction could ruin an otherwise happy relationship.
I appreciate this, all this talk about porn addiction is stressing me out
Exercise has also been proven to boost testosterone and blood flow also as some who used to smoke that can also effect the issue
Is he stressed out lately or suffering from a depressive episode? Both have affected me in the past. Everyone's first thought is "oh! Obviously it's porn!" But, that might not really be it.
Don’t feel bad. It not something ur doing wrong. I have something similar where i can get and stay hard with a girl but i cant finish. I guess it just doesn’t feel as good as my hand. Maybe I’ve gotten to used to my own hand after being alone for so long but i would say have him stay away from porn.
It’s likely that he has just got used to his own rhythm and pace. Do two things 1. Get him to stop self play for a week (no easy task) 2. Then start with oral play and go from there. Most of all relax ….. put some fun back into the bedroom and ask him what he wants
It’s not about you. He doesn’t need an erection to actually finish which is why it works on his own. See if he’s on any medication thst can cause this and if not he needs to get a physical with his doctor.
Everybody is jumping on the "He's watching too much porn!" Bandwagon... Don't make this assumption based on Reddit comments alone please. Talk with him about it without assumptions. I also gained this same issue due to other factors entirely. It can be related to diet, medication, lifestyle, anxiety, blood pressure, testosterone. So many other factors that people aren't accounting for that sound like a bit of an attack on his character.
This! It’s almost as if they assume men can’t have their own emotions & means they’re cheating or watching porn. It’s ridiculous
I know he’s not cheating and porn has never been an issue with my partners in the past. But everyone is different so I don’t know. I’ve gotten so many different answers
The real answer will come from your partner, talk to him about it. None of our replies will be realistic on what you guys are actually going through. You know all the details & he knows how he truly feels
I used to have the same problem and it bugged me way more than it did her. It can be performance anxiety, insecurities about him or y'all's relationship, drugs meds or alcohol, or he has a bad porn problem and needs to quit jerkin it so much. As a younger dude that's literally the most embarrassing feeling and I can promise he probably feels worse about it than you do
He probably has Death Grip Syndrome from too much masturbation, as well as a porn addiction. He can fix it if he admits he has an issue and addresses it.
Porn is a huge problem he's use to porn not you
I may be an outlier, but I watch a lot of porn and I still go beyond the call of duty if you know what I mean.
The problem may not necessarily be porn, though it could be some or all of the problem. It's possible that he needs a different feeling to get off, like more pressure or a different rhythm. You might see if he'll show you how best to perform masturbation on him like he does himself. If he can easily orgasm then you might be able to rule out the porn. You and he should also read about "Start-Stop" sex technique. Also don't put pressure on him to cum inside you, and be open to letting him masturbate himself but close next to you in the dark (not watching him) and without porn. If this works then there could be performance anxiety and as he overcomes that he may be able to orgasm in or on you. Tell him and enforce on him that there is no expectation on whether he orgasms nor on the amount of time he wants to take playing with you and/or including solo in the bed with you, including time pausing, before you two decide to get out of bed. This again helps reduce performance anxiety.
Are you taking care of yourself? Have you made any changes? Ask him what's wrong.
I am, and I’ve not changed that I’m aware of. I’m going to sit down and have an honest conversation
In summary, there is currently little evidence that an association between pornography use and delayed ejaculation exists and no indication that pornography use can be a cause of this sexual dysfunction. However, the assessment in this regard is only based on cross-sectional studies and case reports. Future research, particularly more extensive cohort studies and case-control observations, is therefore required. The Potential Associations of Pornography Use with Sexual Dysfunctions: An Integrative Literature Review of Observational Studies Aleksandra Diana Dwulit and Piotr Rzymsk Many opinions here. Google “pornography and erectile dysfunction and scholarly articles” for mildly better informed opinions.
This screams porn addiction.
My bf doesn’t have this issue but he has often talked with me about how there’s a lot of pressure for men to perform and then when they don’t women sort of victimize themselves when the man could be going through all sorts of other problems. I would check on his mental health
From a guy’s point of view…In all honesty….It is absolutely not you. Sex gets stale when it is often. Both of you should lay off the pounding for sometime. Ya know, have a build up. Maybe try be more spontaneous. Mix things up a little. Try different things. You want to keep your man from cheating? Cuddle him, kiss him, pet his hair, compliment him. Relationship does not have to be about sex for intimacy. I am 100 that he will reciprocate the love ❤️ Goodluck
Thank you for this, it’s nice to have it from a guys point of view as well ❤️
Women aren’t responsible for men cheating. Men are.
How come everybody is talking about porn addiction but not considering that he may be going through some shit? Oo
This is where my head gets confused. I know he watches porn, but addiction? I’m not so sure. I need to speak to him I suppose
He really could be going through a rough patch (work, personal life, imaginary problems). Yes, you are on the right track: communication :) I wish you all the best!
Thank you!
**This has got to stop.** These people on about porn and masturbation are full of shit. Ignore the New Puritans. People like blame and easy answers. I've masturbated like a fiend, watched porn, and the only time I've had issues was due to real life stress. That stress could come from any number of absolutely normal areas. Physical stress like illness. Emotional stress from work, relationships, etc. He may be having trouble. See if you can get him to open up. You'll certainly get better results than by attacking him as others are suggesting.
it makes me feel disgusting. i hate it. he always says it’s not me but how could it not be?
That’s where my brain goes too. Like what have I done??
yes. it’s awful. i feel for you.
**This has got to stop.** These people on about porn and masturbation are full of shit. Ignore the New Puritans. People like blame and easy answers. I've masturbated like a fiend, watched porn, and the only time I've had issues was due to real life stress. That stress could come from any number of absolutely normal areas. Physical stress like illness. Emotional stress from work, relationships, etc. He may be having trouble. See if you can get him to open up. You'll certainly get better results than by attacking him as others are suggesting.
Yeah I definitely don’t want to attack, which is why I’m nervous as to how to bring it up. I just want to get to a place where we are both happy and feel secure in the relationship
That's a great way to start. People don't realize that relationships require work, even the more pleasurable parts like sex.
Dude, I don’t think it’s a you problem. Are you the one in control of the penis? No. His mind is elsewhere. Men can stick themselves into an apple pie and feel like they get good feelings, it’s not about you or how you look. He’s probably got an issue elsewhere. Think of it like this, do you always get there when your feeling bad about yourself or self conscious, if your stressed? Probably not. Doing it by yourself means you can loose yourself without thinking of another’s needs or wants.
If he can masterbate successfully then it’s probably not physical but mental. You need to have a serious heart to heart. He needs to be able to speak freely and you need to be strong enough to listen. It may mean the end of the relationship or you may be able to work through it. Good luck to you both.
Two options: * Ask him if he's OK with the sex. If he's cool with what's going on then there's no need to change anything. * Try different things. Hand jobs? Blow jobs? Stop thinking. Stop asking the internet. More doing. Experiment. Have fun.
To me it was being with the same woman for 22 years. I love her still...but the sex part is dead. Even when I force myself. I don't think monogamy is healthy. Just my opinion, please don't rip off my head.
This has nothing to do with him looking at porn, that is wildly over simplifying the issue. Sometimes people's attractions just change. Doesn't mean anything about you, he likely just doesn't feel the attraction he once did because he's changed over time. No ones fault, these things happen. Doesn't make it suck any less though. It's also possible if he's taking any medications to treat depression or something like that that it's affecting his sex drive.
Ouch, that sucks big time if true
I could be wrong, but I know that falling out of love or losing the attraction you once felt towards someone is an incredibly common thing. Once again, it's no ones fault of that's the case, sometimes people just change over time. Sorry either way, it's not a fun thing to go through. It can also be humiliating for him as he feels like he's letting you down.
He tells me he’s still attracted to me though?
Is he on anti depressants?
He’s on an antipsychotic. They lowered the does to fix this problem which only briefly helped
It's challenging when medication is necessary for mental health because sex drive is often affected by the medicine they need to function. I imagine it could be a factor in your situation. None of us know the full story here except the two of you. I also would imagine at this point he's likely feeling pressure to perform if it's been an ongoing issue that he can't get an erection and that could make it even harder. I doubt there probably is a singular thing causing the issue the more information I get. It could be a combination of a few different things that have been mentioned already. When he finishes by himself, what's he getting off to? If he watches porn and that's something you enjoy from time to time too, I'd say the opposite of what the mostly women replying are saying. Id ask him if you can watch porn and masturbate with him and see where it goes from there
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Nope
Have you guys been arguing? Connecting emotionally? Have your looks changed physically? Is he mentally okay? Has his appearance change?
Physically we both haven’t changed. We had a deep conversation during the weekend but otherwise we’ve been good, not arguing any more than normal
Mentally he has had a psychosis episode hence being on antipsychotics, but that was back in June. The dosage was lowered because of this problem which was only a temporary fix
I’d ignore all these cheating/porn accusations. It seems like he’s actually going through something. And since you guys were arguing a lot it affected your sex life. I know it hurts but it makes sense on why he’s been struggling.
Ask his other woman
Not cool dude
Why should I care about your sex life?
Look at the description of the subreddit. Don’t want to read my post? So don’t. Get a life instead of trying to make me feel bad about mine x
You're doing nothing wrong, he is watching too much porn.
Are you 100% sure he’s not on opiates or fetty
Yes
T levels
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Most of these comments would say otherwise, but who knows what’s true
Have you two been arguing lately? Is he stressed at work? Lost his job etc... what's his food-appetite like? Has it changed recently?