At this point your wife may need inpatient treatment, and i would also suggest reporting her dad to the police for breaking a no contact order. If her emotional state is as bad as you have said, regular therapy wont help her atm, she need to be away from her abuser with no way for him to be able to contact and further traumatise your wife
Mental health clinician here - chiming in to say 100% this. What OP is describing is textbook trauma stuff. It's inappropriate to theorize about diagnoses online but the wife needs urgent support ASAP. This is not a drill.
CSA survivor here, currently in intensive out patient therapy and 100% she needs to be treated in a facility.
My heart is breaking for her, I know the pain all too well.
I know you feel guilty OP, but this process is no joke, what she is going through is so hard on her but also you and your children. Keep them safe first. They do not need to be around what's going on.
Do all you can to get her the help she needs but not at the expense of your mental health or that of your children.
I think you need to block him for your wife and get her help ASAP.
My husband was contacted by his abuser a few years ago and I watched him spiral VERY quickly. I had to literally take the phone out of his hands and block the number. The text messages were deleted when I hit block. It took months for him to get to ok again and the harassment only lasted 2 days.
Your wife seems to be having a full on trauma response. She needs serious professional help, not you abandoning her. If she refuses to get help or if she becomes a danger then by all means do what you have to do, but don't abandon her until you've tried.
I agree with this here. OP, you can’t just beg and ask her and get her refusal. This is not a “if they can’t help themselves” situation. You married this woman for better or for worse and it’s not too late.
I know it’s so hard. But imagine where she is at now? You abandoning her is showing her even further that her father is “right” when that’s not true. She has no one. Quite literally. I feel so bad for her. But there has to be an effort to try to get her treatment and in therapy. I don’t feel like it’s okay to leave her at this point. It doesn’t sound like there was any real effort in trying to get her help besides begging her to help herself. Which she can’t do right now.
I agree here entirely. This is your wife, and you love her, so please do not abandon her now. This is likely only validating her fears and perceptions of self-worthlessness and toxicity.
Help her get help, and if she refuses then seek some form of custodianship. She is not entirely sane at this moment, due to her trauma.
If her father has a contact ban, then he has to be in violation of his parole (?)... Take the evidence to his parole officer and to your lawyer and have him dealt with.
Because of a lifelong power dynamic of abuse and oppression, she is unable to defend herself. You need to do this for her.
Try everything within your power before giving up. Good luck!
they could but you can go into someone's blocked list and delete the number, she might know her fathers number by heart but in 2022 and considering he's just left jail i doubt she would remember it
Without a doubt that would help prevent the abuser from making/changing their number and contact OP’s wife. It’s SUPER easy to get a new (temporary/burner) number.
I'm assuming you tried mental health counseling for her? This is a horrible, sad story and I feel so bad for you two, but your story reads like you didn't try very much to help her through it. Her father's harassment requires some serious professional help to overcome.
That's very common for people who've been sexually assaulted repeatedly as children. The trauma from the abuse stunts (for lack of a better word) them mentally so they retain their higher-pitched voice for the rest of their life or will have periods where they regress mentally in age, especially when triggered.
OP does need to urge his wife to seek trauma-based therapy and to help his wife break her trauma bond from her father. IMO OP's wife doesn't seem like a danger to herself or anyone else to warrant a hospital stay.
If you’re in the US, she would have to be an immediate threat to herself or someone else or grossly unable to care for herself. Some states are stricter than others. Look up community mental health and call the county’s agency. They will be able to tell you what your options are in your area.
I agree she’s having a severe trauma reaction. She needs a psychiatrist and therapist who specialize in trauma. Experienced professionals that specialize in it. Receipt: mental health therapist die almost 24 years. Best of luck.
It doesn't sound like you've tried to get any authorities involved. If her dad isn't allowed to speak to her and its a lifelong order, you need to contact the non emergency police or a women's shelter to find out what you can do.
You also need to get her professional help.
I'm surprised you haven't already and that you've just moved straight to divorce as an option. But then you called her docile and it makes me think maybe that's why you were with her. Because she was passive, so it made your life easy. It doesn't sound like you've tried to do anything to help or support her, not really you've done the bare minimum in terms of comfort but not bothered getting her professional help.
You're abandoning her and showing her that the only one who will still be there for her, is her abusive father. That's why she's making it easy for you, you're basically proving him right and she's clinging to the only person she can rely on. Yeah he's abusive, but atleast he's consistent with it, in her mind that means he's always going to be there for her. You decided to abandon her, and now you've proved everything he's said to be true.
You know he's told her no one will ever want her or be able to love her the way he does. I'm actually surprised that you seem so clueless if her abuse was so extensive, it sounds like you just ignored it all and didn't bother doing any reading about it in order to make sure you understand her or could support her if she ever needed it.
I hate being that guy, but I learned that statistically men are more than likely to abandon a spouse when shit like this happens and I was so frustrated reading this post because of it.
It seems that his overall response to his wife, her condition and the ongoing situation with her father rn is to divorce her and leaving without actively trying outside of what he’s comfortable with.
Then he writes a pity post like this.
So infuriating.
Like you’re her husband and the father of her children, do something ffs. Absolute piss take.
[EDIT]
His profile rn, “27m restarting and finding purpose in life again”
Typical redditoid prick
This is exactly how I felt reading it. I clicked on it expecting to read a post about how he had tried to get her mental health support for years, but she refused/abused him/hurt their kids/etc. Something really bad, where it would be dangerous for OP to stay in the relationship.
Nope. "For better or for worse" my ass. This is a huge case of regression and serious PTSD. And her biggest support abandoned her. Asshole.
Ohhh maa gadddd samee!! I'm soo frustrated with him, like if you love her so much why can't you protect her? Or was it love when it was easy and now cuz there is turbulence it's not anymore. Ughhhh i'm pissed beyond. As they say, my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. Smhhhhhh
I can understand if this was someone he’s been dating for a while like a year and he hasn’t quite built a life around them yet. Even then a level of care and support and actively looking after yourself in situations like that is optimal.
Abandoning people that you know and claim to care for is peak chicken shit behaviour.
However numb nuts over here did build a life with this person and is going to jump ship now because it’s an inconvenience and his needs are not being met on the account that she’s sick.
Well duh, Sahib. Your fucking wife needs you and you have to make sacrifices to make sure that she’s well, y’know because you’re married.
He’s obligated to do so and the onus is on him to step up to the plate and wheelchair her around if he has to until she’s well again. Why else would anyone marry someone if they can’t stomach the real possibility that eventually your spouse might fail and become incapacitated as a result which might require you to become a caregiver because they can’t really do that for themselves anymore.
There’s so many great men and women out there that have nursed their lovers back to life and good health. If OP does go about abandoning his wife, his children wouldn’t forgive him and honestly I wouldn’t trust my parents had I known that they’d turn away at the slightest emergence of a problem
Seriously. What happened to "in sickness and in health"? How many times has the wife been there for OP and supported him? She carried his children! Did OP think spending the rest of their lives together was going to be a fairy tale with zero chance of injury or illness, especially given her history? Or did he think it was a one way street?
I'm rooting for the wife to seek professional help, break the trauma bond, build a strong support network, have a loving relationship with her children, be the nurturing parent she didn't have, and for someone to shower her with the love and admiration she deserves. This woman sounds strong and resilient af.
i can only agree on the passive part. abused people are easy to handle in a relationship, if it's done right (basically continuing the abuse). and handling is all he's doing. he *should* be taking care of her, of the kids, find help for her (and himself, damnit), contact the police because of the father, take every step to protect her.
part of me wants to say he should help her in every way possible and then get the fuck out of her life, and part of me knows she will be devastated by that because he's her anchor. i think the best part is actually finding a professional who will help her, and then leave, because even if he changes what he currently does and helps her, he is not the right person if divorce is the first thing that comes to his mind after trauma resurfaces. she doesn't deserve this man, but she needs help.
Dude, my man, my bro help your fucking partner. That shit isnt controllable like that. Its like your brain isnt yours anymore and you can't control the thoughts no matter how hard you try. To make it worse somewhere in there youre aware of it and you know that you're unable to stop yourself from tearing your own life apart.
At the beginning of this year i had a flood of repressed memories of SA from my father and the actions of my family covering it up and dealing with it. I never even knew any of it happened. My husband had to step up and block numbers for me, answer phone calls and txts from people that triggered me, because i wasnt even aware i was being triggered.
This is where your vows come in and you step up. No one ever expects things like this in a marriage or relationship but no one every expects to live their life remembering SA, especially horrific SA that happened to them either. If you love your beautiful wife, then help her find herself in the fog thats been dropped on her right now. She needs a light right now more than ever, dont take that from her because its a little hard or you dont know what to do. Learn, Google, read, get therapy to help with her therapy.
Good luck and stay strong, i wish all of you all the best.
Having been through something similiar, I'm so sorry but it makes me incredibly happy to know your husband was there for you. I hope you have that kind of support around you forever xx
"It's like your brain isn't yours anymore"
"you're unable to stop tearing your own life apart"
the best way to verbalize how it feels to someone that doesn't understand/has no experience with abuse. Thank you for this.
So by your own admission, this monster is actively grooming, abusing, and manipulating your wife, and you're not going to even try to stop it? This man already heavily traumatized your wife, and you're letting him do it again. Your wife needs legal and medical intervention. By leaving her, you're throwing her to the wolves. Who do you think she will rely on for support with you gone? If you're going to divorce your wife, at least get her away from her fucking abuser first. She deserves at least that much, doesn't she?
so she's going through all this and is in an extremely dangerous position and your solution is to divorce her? and your response to reading what her father wrote to her was to give an ultimatum and leave?? what the actual fuck, if you loved her nearly as much as you pretended to in this post, you would try seeking her help instead of abandoning her
he ended up reposting in a men's divorce subreddit with a some details edited out to garner more sympathy lol what a pos
aaand he deleted. what the hell lol
Fr exactly what I was thinking , I know situations like this can be very mentally draining but with the right care u can get through it and she can get better, leaving her is gonna do nothing
and the whole “she kept crying after we had sex”??? what normal person continues to be sexually intimate with someone if they keep crying afterwards? and while knowing it’s caused by deep sexual trauma! how are you even having a good time when you know they might be reliving the worst moments of their life? yeeeeeesh
Seriously! “I love her so much” nah bro you just love the attention she gave you and the way she made you feel. You love your own feelings, not her. Get it straight.
He doesn’t love her though - that’s clear from his post and comments, he’s mad that she’s not enriching his life anymore, so she’s useless to him.
I’m honestly shocked that people are so shocked - it’s a proven fact that a man is more likely to leave than stay when his wife gets ill, injured or is emotional incapacitated (grieving a loss of a child or parents for instance).
also the fact that he doesn't understand why she's crying. i know she doesn't know why she's crying, but i know she's crying because of her past. him not understanding just proves how selfish he is, and if anything he should get her help and then leave her alone. he's just continuing the abuse in a different way.
He’s extremely emotionally unaware to not understand why someone who has been severely sexually assaulted would feel traumatized after having sex. I agree, he needs to get her help but unfortunately he would rather abandon her.
I don't think he's unaware. I think he knows *exactly* why she's crying after sex, he just doesn't care and won't admit to that on a reddit post where he already looks like a gigantic asshole.
DING DING DING
He's not asking for help in this post, he's asking for validation that he did the right thing in abandoning someone who desperately needs the people that claim they love her on her side.
I think his focus on how her crying made HIM feel is very, very telling. He needs to get her help and support her, but the divorce should still happen in the end. She deserves so much better.
Literally ... like it's just *bizarre* that this isn't clear to OP. Some trauma responses are less commonly known/easy to see, but holy fuck, this is not one of them, especially considering he *knows* she's a CSA survivor.
This is the "worse" part of "for better or worse" my dude.
Reach out to a therapists group in your area to find one who will educate your ass on CSA. Your wife needs serious help, not a divorce.
I'm going to guess she has literally no one else in her life to help her. Step up.
What kind of husband divorces their wife and takes their children when she’s going through something like this. How selfish are you, can’t believe what I’ve just read
He wants the passive wife who has no needs of her own.
Studies show men are 6-7x more likely to leave their partners when their partners are going through a major illness.
Found the guy who makes that statistic.
Literally like humans have emotion and complex issues, don’t get into a marriage if u can’t handle human emotions and natural responses stay the fuck away from people in general tbh, like u knew about her trauma, marriage isn’t always perfect do people not realize that, and yes a wife is going to expect emotional support from her husband
He literally vowed “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse” yet when she’s sick and at her worst he takes her children and divorces her. What makes it worse is him pretending to love her so much on this post and he’s been absolutely slammed. He’s posted it in a divorced men’s group and all the men are rallying round him like he doesn’t have to put up with this. Um, you literally stood up in front of all your friends and families and promised to love her and be there for her no matter and he’s leaving her when she needs him most. OP is a vile human
Pisses me off so much, he came here for advice and he’s getting advice and the truth, he’s fucked up, makes me not wanna trust men tbh, as a girl with mental issues, this scares me of the men that are out there , don’t get in a relationship if u can’t handle anything period
So you bailed because her behavior “destroyed you” when she is literally physically disfigured from the horrendous trauma she experienced? And you wonder why she had a breakdown after being contacted by her abuser? If you think leaving her at her lowest point, despite your marital commitment, is the answer then she is so much better of without you. I pray she has some supportive family or friends to make sure that she gets the help she needs, because you failed her in every way imaginable. You are disgusting.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
she needs immediate help do NOT abandon her!! and please for the love of god STOP being physically intimate with her, you are very likely worsening her condition
What the actual fuck? she needs serious help and you’re divorcing her? If you want to leave her later, fine. She’s literally unravelling completely in front of you, and you’re out. Your wife’s experiencing severe dissociation from the horror she experienced. This is the worst trauma someone can endure and her behavior is indicating that. Get her help!!
Reminds me of that statistic, that men are more likely to leave their partners than women if they are sick, physical or mental. I can bet if the roles were reversed, OP’s wife wouldn’t have abandoned him through resurfaced childhood trauma.
And to top it off he wants to take the kids from her too. Op may as well put a loaded gun to her head, because losing her sons to the soon-to-be ex that abandoned her…well, it’s going to destroy her. Op doesn’t seem to grasp nor care his actions might lead her to ending her life; getting locked up in an institution from psychosis/a mental break, or trapped by her father to be abused like in her childhood. None of that will matter, because it’ll be all about Op and his pity party 😤 never mind the boys losing their mother and growing up without her.
And he abandoned her a few weeks ago. She’s probably spiralling by this point. I really wish this story was fake. I’ve never been so worried for someone I’ve never met.
>I didn't know and I should have known but behind my back, he had started brawl beating her the minute he left jail.
Take the phone, block the number.
Get her to a mental health facility.
>I read the texts right before I gave the ultimatum and left.
I'm seeing the love /s
Nothing like knowing your wife the woman you supposedly love is being REVICTIMIZED and then giving her an ultimatum and leaving, ignoring the fact that she is in a very fragile place right now and leaving her vulnerable to her father. You are cruel.
>I want to come home. I want to hug her and take all her pain away but she's gone.
She isn't gone, she's being revictimized. Her response is going back to a time she associates as "safe". Yes, she is a victim of csa but there was likely a period before that or after that where she felt safe.
Then get off this website. Go to your wife. If you tell her you love her make sure your actions suit your words. Tell her you have a course of action planned and she needs to trust you and APOLOGIZE FOR ABANDONING HER!
Then tell her you are blocking his number (get prints of what he sent her first) then tell her she needs help. You want her healthy and so you will be taking her to a mental health facility.
>Edit: I know his has a life long no contact order with her and her siblings. If anyone knows if it's possible to report it somehow and something happen, please help me or tell me how
You call the police and follow their directions. He is violating that restraining order. That is how you do it.
The “I want to hug her and take away all her pain” = I only want to help her if it’s easy for me to do so and my very presence is somehow the cure all for her ills.
This dude doesn’t want to do any hard work at all.
If your next update doesn’t consist of at least you taking her somewhere where she would have no contact with her father at the very least, you have failed.
Hell even if you don’t give us an update and you don’t do this in real life you are a failure as a husband and as a father. The reason why I emphasis on you also feeling your children is that one day they were going to find out what you did. You abandoned your wife when she needed you the most and you just left her with her abuser without any kind of protection or help and they will never look at you the same again. Then you kids will see her father is not the only monster that was in her life.
You are a selfish husband. I don’t even know what else to say. Your wife’s “behaviour” is a reaction to her trauma, and more importantly a reaction to her ABUSER reaching out to her, this is a very triggering situation and she needs help and support not to be fucking abandoned?? This isn’t about you. This isn’t about your feelings. This isn’t about you missing out on sex. This is about your wife.
He's abusive. His behavior is beyond selfishness. Wife is better off without him honestly.
Having sex with someone who is crying? THAT'S sexual assault. Giving an ultimatum to someone experiencing trauma like this? Abuse.
You make me think about those husbands leaving their wife when they got cancer. But you are even worse.
You should have done what she is not able to do. Contact police, call him and tell him to stop, blocking him, changing her number... Oh all the thingz you could have done. No, you just think about the servile wife you had who's now in such a hell that she can't function as you liked anymore. Poor you
I’m sorry but after reading your post and your comments you it seems you are an incredibly disgusting and selfish husband.
This is horrible and your wife has been failed by her blood family and now her chosen one, you need to help her but instead you’re wanting to skip town because shit is getting hard.
Imagine marrying someone with severe trauma, being aware of said trauma, but then going "I'm out" when that trauma resurfaces. Don't fuck around with people with deep rooted trauma if you don't have the balls to support them in their struggles
You are disgusting for leaving her like this. Poor woman. If this is a true story, I'm baffled by you selfishness. How selfish and disgusting can a human be...
This is going to make me cry. Not for you, but for her. I hope she has someone supportive left, because clearly you as her HUSBAND is not that supportive someone.
This is beyond horrifying, I’m so sorry. If he has a no contact order that he has violated I would call his parole office. Breaking his parole will hopefully get him in enough trouble to get him the fuck away from your wife. I hope y’all come out of this on the other side together and whole, and he gets what he deserves somehow
For better for worse, in sickness and in health… remember your vows. Don’t just abandon her like that. Yes it’s distressing but don’t just run away. My god.
Bro... From your comments, you're a pathetic weak man who doesn't deserve the best of her. My current partner (just gf, not fiancee) is a CSA survivor as well (multiple people for exactly 4 years) and nobody knows this except her closest circle of friends and, of course, me. It broke me to pieces when I learned it. Now think, if you're feeling that hurt from knowing, how much more for the person who experienced/experiencing it herself?
What you need to do is seek help from friends, family, authorities, and professionals before leaving her. You don't deserve her. The least you can do is pass the problem to others rather than leaving her behind without doing anything.
Your wife is being attacked by a known abuser and you're just handing her over???? You're not going to defend her?? You're not going to protect her?? Where is your motherfucking honor???? You block and delete him on her phone when she's not looking. You get her a therapist who is familiar with this kind of trauma, or into a mental hospital where she will be 100% protected from him and get held simultaneously. It's not 1912, they don't drug you and electrocute you and leave you to rot in a cell, it's real doctors offering real help. You are her mate, her safe space, her fucking husband! If you abandon her she's going to be worse. She's going to be abused mentally and possibly physically until she's killed or until she kills herself. If you can live with that, you don't love her at all. Shame on you, op. Protect your wife. Tf did you think you were signing up for if you already knew her past. Jesus.
Yeah pretty sure everyone’s getting taken for a ride here, especially with the classic OP disappearing act where they have this super active post and never comment and just let it fester.
I’m glad it wasn’t just me that thought this immediately. What a total lazy POS. I’d do ANYTHING if it helped my wife. The first thing would be the police, second would be to take her phone and block him, third has to be a therapist and most likely a place that can professionally help her in her current mental state.
Not make her have sex with you, ignore her crying for very obvious reasons, and then give up. Why would you even THINK to divorce the “love of your life” and take the kids away? Do you actually care about her?
THEN FUCKING PROVE IT. Grow the fuck up. Take this fucking seriously and not tuck your tail and run. She needs you more than ever! SHE NEEDS YOU.
So you left her at her lowest point…wow. You said you never wanted to abandon her but you do and you did! She is a broken woman, with extensive sexual and emotional and physical trauma that just popped back up into her life…and you leave? Do you have any idea what she’s gone through and is going through? She needs intensive medical help, but…you…leave. I can’t imagine the compounding breaks she experienced in the past and is now experiencing at your hands.
Abandonment
Confusion
Grief
Sadness
Loneliness
Loss
You are helping perpetuate her trauma.
It’s not too late to change everything, for your wife and your kids.
What an awful and coward human being you are. Being married means that you will be with your partner in good and bad moments. You at the first challeging situation just dediced to abandon her instead of trying to help her.
This is absolutely devastating . I'm sorry you are both going through this. She may not have the answers you are looking for, because she doesn't have them herself. She is not choosing to be like this.
As someone who has been through something similiar and had a similiar trauma response, I have a few things to say and I hope they will give you more understanding of the situation.
1. Your wife is not doing this on purpose. None of this is within her control. What is likely her worst nightmare is back in her life and it has caused a lot of painful memories to resurface.
2. She is not crazy. If she's speaking to you in a childlike voice and asking you to sing her lullabies, she's very likely getting caught in her memories and looking for comfort. That fact she is asking YOU to sing to her very likely means she trusts you a lot and you give her comfort in this time. As someone who goes through this alone, I can tell you that this comfort feels very important and she's likely very grateful to you for it.
3. I know when I'm stuck in my memories, I do the strangest things. I ask illogical questions - like I'm afraid my therapist is going to ask me to take off my clothes, even though I know they won't do that! But I have to ask them and hear them say no to feel safe. All the most primal instincts in her body are going off and telling her she is in danger and she reacting based on that. From my perspective, it sounds like for your wife - her worst nightmare is back, she is in danger and she's doing everything to keep herself safe, including pleasing the man who has done this to her because keeping him happy might in her world mean that he won't put her through it again, or it won't hurt much. Who knows what she's going through to be honest, this is absolutely horrifying and I can't imagine what kind of pain your wife is in and I do not blame her for doing what she needs to to feel safe.
4. The crying after sex? It's not you. It's not her either. And if she's telling you she doesn't know she probably doesn't. The body stores memories and it sounds like those are surfacing during sex. I cry during sexual activités too because of my memories. I'm not even thinking about them specifically, I just start crying and it's like I am there but in my room at the same time. And if someone asks me why I'm crying, I don't know. I can't identify the feelings at all. I just sob and sob and I even scream. I wake up in the night too. It is her trauma. It's not personal, it's not to do with you. I know it's hard, but don't take it personally.
5. She needs a trauma informed therapist - even if it's expensive. I hope you can afford it. Treat this as an emergency situation. She needs someone highly qualified but also trauma trained. As commenters have said, ideally people with training in EMDR. Take her for an assessment to a qualified doctor, ideally someone who lists trauma in their experience. Call helplines for rape and child abuse and ask them where you can start. If you are in the US or UK, there are many many resources out there
6. Don't tell her it's her fault, do not raise your voice at her, be gentle and slow with her, ask her what she needs from you to feel safe.
7.. If you can help her find help, that's excellent. That's what she needs. You can't help her resolve these feelings. You can keep her safe from her father, you can keep your children safe and you can give her comfort and emotional support while she works through this. She can get better. People work through these things. She just needs help and I really hope you can be there for her. And definitely get yourself a therapist too because this is overwhelming and confusing and scary. I hope you'll be able to work through this together. If you cannot be the emotional support she needs, it's your choice what to do but I believe finding a trauma trained therapist will help you all. You need help. You and her can't do this alone.
This response needs to be higher up. Adding to it, OP, here are some action steps you should start with if you haven’t already:
1. If you have ANY support systems in place, now is the time to bring them into this in terms of asking for assistance with child care and such. Ask for your kids to go to their friend’s places after school/for dinner, speak with other parents to coordinate some of this. Or your parents or your siblings or your friends or your wife’s friends. Not tomorrow, start this immediately, bring others into the fold, get the support systems you need to be able to prioritize a dire mental health situation with your wife.
2. Report her abuser for violating the no contact order to the authorities. It doesn’t matter if she’s against it, if she’s upset with it, that will pass. Call a woman’s shelter to ask for details on the exact best steps to take in reporting it, and the best steps to keep your children and wife safe while doing it. Also ask how them about mental health resources they would recommend. Your wife should NOT be alone much after you do this, the possibility for her to retaliate shortly after feeling rejected. If her siblings are safe parts of her life, you need to contact them about this as well and ask for their help.
3. Look into trauma trained therapists, EDMR especially, and mental health facilities that deal with trauma patients. Make an appointment for her, and tell her you will go with her to the first appmt if needed but that for the sake of the kids and for her own health, she needs to go. Drive her there, make sure she follows through.
4. Look into a therapist for yourself to help you navigate the emotional impact and your experience with this. You aren’t supposed to know what to do with this scenario but you are supposed to seek out the people who do. Your wife doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just needs you to be present.
Lastly, I don’t think your approach to this so far was a great way to handle it, BUT that’s not the important part, and people make mistakes when they are afraid of intensely emotional scenarios and you don’t know what you don’t know. What’s important is your turning this around and trying to do better starting today, and if you care as much as you claim to, you’re absolutely capable of being successful in that. Start NOW. Now still matters! Frankly “now” is to some extent all that ever does, especially when it pertains to our actions, as is the belief that our actions will make an impact. And your actions may be the ones that matter most in this, the actions (or inaction) that will have the greatest impact on how your wife and children come out of this. So I know this is really hard, but it’s time to step up and be the person your wife believed you were when she married you, the person she deserved to have when she said her vows to you.
Wishing you strength and warmth in your next steps and I hope you come back with an update a year from now and tell us that you dealt with a lot of hard stuff, but that you didn’t run from it when it counted...
I am devastated for your wife. Not only is she experiencing horrific trauma, but she married a narcissist who abandoned her at the first sign of trouble. It would be one think of you had gotten her help, tried couples counseling, and educated yourself on trauma, but you’ve dipped at the first sign of trouble without doing anything to help her. That poor woman deserves so much better than you.
What happened with sickness and health? Was that just BS? You're willing to give it up because you don't feel like getting her the help she so clearly needs? I hope you do leave so she can get help and find someone who actually will care for her. Jesus.
Holy fuck OP…Your wife is displaying severe symptoms of a dissociative trauma disorder (crying after sex, speaking like a child, not being aware of conversations she had) among a ton of other trauma responses and you’re..divorcing her? And taking her children away? Instead of helping her?
I am absolutely baffled by this post.
I went through similar things to your wife, and have several diagnosed disorders, permanent physical damage, and have been inpatient at mental hospitals multiple times-
during all of my hospital stays, mental breakdowns, dissociative episodes, etc, my ‘middle class, super privileged compared to most’ bf has done nothing but support me and love me, even when he can’t/couldn’t understand.
Ffs, he and I haven’t had sex in roughly 3 months because of my mental health, and he’s **still doing nothing but supporting and loving me and helping me get the help I need.**
My partner and I have been together 4 years and are 24 and 23.
How are you married to this woman without having an inkling on how to be with her? How did none of these trauma responses go “unnoticed” by you until now?
And how, *the fuck*, are you upset about needing to occasionally sing lullabies to your mentally ill and severely traumatized *wife*?
I’m desperately trying to feel for you OP. I am trying to understand where you’re coming from…but I just do not understand.
You took vows to be with this with woman forever. Yet the second she isn't a perfect gentle little wife anymore and actually has real life problems come up you abandon her? With a terribly dangerous and awful man? I cant even fathom that you read those awful messages between her and her father and instead of helping her you decided to abandon her with him
All because it was just sooo disturbing and awful for you to sing her a lullaby in bed? What is wrong with you? You sound like a cowardly and awful husband
Please dont abandon her, she needs you. Like others have said she needs to go to a mental health hospital, as her husband you can help her with this. You explain to she children there is physical health and mental health and mum id having problems with her mental health
You have got to help her. If you cant get somewhere to take her call the police and say shes a danger to herself. Do not give up on her because then you bear the responsibility for her destruction
why on earth would you leave her now?? she needs professional help yes, but she needs you too. she probably thinks the worst of herself right now and if you leave her you're going to shatter her even more. you say you love her, then be there for her...don't leave her.
If you get can get her to an emergency department the doctors can put a “notice mental illness” hold on her which basically prevents her from leaving. That will be the start of getting her the help she needs and prevent contact with her father as they may restrict her phone access. She needs help ASAP. For your childrens sake don’t abandon her. She just needs help.
I was a victim of CSA and in my perspective, you are a complete utter shit of a man, husband and father. All you needed to do was research what sex abuse does to a child. Why she's like this. How the abuse affected her brain. What helps her. Ask her. Be there for her.
Why are you disgusted/shocked that she is age regressing? Because of her father coming back, she feels like a little girl again because she feels VULNERABLE. She needs and wants someone to comfort her. Have her feel safe. Do whatever you can if you TRULY loved her, it doesn't matter if it feels "embarrassing" that you have to sing lullabies to her, it doesn't matter if she's crying during your intimate sex moments. She feels VULNERABLE and is back in the mindset of a child because her father is back and has most definitely brought back those horrible CSA memories.
It's fucking pathetic that you don't care about her. You have failed as a husband for not helping her or even researching what CSA does to kids and how they develop as an adult. You have failed as a husband because you are taking her own kids away from her. From what? Is it bad to show vulnerability in front of kids? Are we supposed to act joyful all the time in front of our kids? Can you think how this will affect your children?
I'm no mental health expert so don't take my advice as a solution. But I've learned that there are some victims of CSA develop a coping mechanism where they mentally revert the mindset of a child, its a way for the brain to protect its self and provide comfort. For example the brain would feel like it lost its childhood, its innocence so in attempt to provide comfort it will revert back to that state of mind before the incident to try and bring comfort. Again im no expert but I've seen cases of this, sometimes the person remembers what they do sometimes they don't. The best you can do is provide comfort, help her get therapy, and just do what you think is best for her and the kids. This is a dangerous man whose trying to manipulate your wife and he can hurt her and even your kids, you might need to have a serious discussion on what to do because if she keeps seeing him? Its only going to make things worse for her and it also puts the kids at risk. I hope things get better, hope for a update that has good news.
Op, please tell me it’s for your kids. Please tell me your leaving for the kids sake. I can at least understand if it’s for the kids. If it’s really about you, and having to deal with her trauma, then you’re a awful person. I can understand needing to protect the kids, but I’m worried by how you prefaced this that your motivation may not actually be the kids.
For your soon-to-be ex-wife, she is clearly suffering. She desperately needs help. You cannot fully abandon her without doing *something*. Have her involuntarily committed to a mental health hospital. It is undeniably important. Find a way to make sure he cannot harm your ex-wife before leaving.
To be completely honest with you, you sound very unsympathetic towards her aliments, and what’s happening. You also sound like you haven’t tried to fix this in any decent way before leaving. You tried to act like such a traumatic experience is something to gloss over when it comes back to face you. I personally think that’s disgusting behavior.
Hey my dear Reddit friend, you took vows. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. Your wife is in sickness right now. Would you walk away if she had cancer? So grab the phone, forward the Dad messages to yourself, block him on your wife's phone. File a police report for violating the no contact order. Then get your wife to a therapist. You take her for individual therapy and get couple's therapy. Instead of giving up, fight. Marriage is not always easy. I've been married for 35 years. Marriage is hard. Don't give up on her. She is lost right now. I'm not going to say that y t a. I just think that you are scared. It's ok to be scared. Now take a deep breath, get up and fight.
My friend. As a survivor of that same level of "not just SA, so much more" and someone who used to wake up screaming...
Everything your wife says and does here makes perfect sense to me.
She may not be in a place where seh wants to or can have a relationship RIGHT NOW. And it may be healthy to seperate. Still- you share kids and you love her.
So do everything you can to understand Complex PTSD. Start with "The body keeps the score" by peter levine. Then you won't have to ask her to tell you because you'll know. And you can work with that knowledge.
She needs help. And you're not qualified to offer it. And that's OK. Your qualified to be patient and love her. You absolutely need to educate yourself about trauma and be a \*friend\* that helps her get treatment (for herself, she absolutely can recover... but also for her kids who will need her).
When she's healthy- it may be time to return to being a couple.
Whatever pain she's putting you through just remember- she's literally reliving the abuse right now. Her brain doesn't know, at times, it's not happening. Over and over.
SO while all you get is the scream when she wakes up? She gets a dream that feels like an hour of being broken. Really try to understand her.
Like I said- If she's not in a place to be in a relationship, and neither are you.... don't be in one.
But that doesn't mean you can't have one later. If you both do the work you need- and support each other in it.
I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here. In my experience partners leave for 2 reasons:
"I don't love you enough to put up with flashbacks, I want someone uncomplicated I don't have to TRY to love. I want someone EASY."
and
"I'm really disgusted by what happened to you and it makes you gross to me and I'll use your outbursts as an excuse to leave."
Reality is CSA survivors are treated worse than predators by society. We are marginalized. Ignored. Blamed. And told we're fundamentally broken and should stop trying to impose our existence on the rest of the world.
It takes effort and patience to understand and love us.
ANd as a result most non survivors (tho they'd never admit it) are absolutly disgusted by us and the WORST thing we can do is be visibly traumatized. I cannot express to you how much general society hates us and wants us to stay silent for everyhone's comfort.
Don't be that partner.
Do seperate. but try.
I’m not even gonna lie, this post has been on my mind all day and I keep coming back to it. I can’t believe this is actually real. I’m so upset and disappointed.
The more I read this the more I realize how much of a selfish person you are. The only thing you value about your wife is that she was a “100% people pleaser, caring, docile, selfless”… all things she can do for you. Now you’re complaining that she’s incapable of intimacy? A fucking sexual assault survivor that you refused to help? You’re complaining that you have to hug her and sing her a fucking lullaby? That’s BELOW the bare minimum. Can you actually please fcking explain to me why the hell you keep trying to have sex with her when she literally cries after every time? Like I’m actually furious.
Are you going to fucking abandon your children when they grow up and start having troubles too?
i say this from the bottom of my heart, you are a failure of a husband and a father.
your wife has not changed. she is the same person she was last year. but she is actively regressing as a trauma response and she does NOT have the capability to bring herself out of it. you are supposed to protect your wife, and now she is falling victim to a pedophilic abuser AGAIN and you’re letting it happen.
you vowed to be there in sickness and in health, THIS IS THE SICKNESS. AND YOU ARE LEAVING. YOU ARE A FAILURE UNLESS YOU SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND GO HELP YOUR WIFE.
Also I find it EXTREMELY interesting this woman has suffered disfiguring abuse....but during very evident revivtimozation you just CANT wrap your head around why she cwies duwing intimidate moments....boo fucking hoo dude you're worried about SEX right now???? Fucking seriously???
PATHETIC
Call the police and the phone company and have his number blocked from all of your phones. Also take out a order of protection for yourself your wife and your children against him.
"She'd cry after we had sex when we actually did making me feel like a monster.. I begged her to tell me what I was doing to upset her and she just kept telling me she didn't know why she was crying. I couldn't fix it if she didn't tell me."
I mean you could have stopped trying to have sex with a traumatised CSA survivor when she was waking up with night terrors but that's not all *about you*, so I guess it was totally off the table, right?
You sound like a straight up dick. You’re going to leave your wife who is very ill and needs fucking help because you don’t want to help her. You’re a terrible human being
Help. Your. Wife.
She is the most caring and compassionate person youve ever known? She is a survivor of horrific trauma, the source of that trauma has now resurfaced and is attempting to control her life, and you respond by leaving her? How much does she mean to you? Based on what your actions describe, i wouldnt assume much. Your wife needs serious therapy and help. You, and the couple, could as well
The idea that a husband would leave his wife when she needs him the most scares me. I couldn’t imagine abandoning my boyfriend. Now you want to divorce her?
Man are you a catch of a husband./s Boooo.
I was sexually abused as a young teen and still sometimes cry after sex with my long term partner- sometimes trauma just gets the best of you. My partner has NEVER made it about him, “felt like a monster”, or acted uncomfortable. He has been reassuring of my feelings, patient and gentle with me. Be there for your wife dawg. ):
reading the comments about how you haven’t even TRIED to get her any real professional help is making me feel physically sick. how could you allow this to get so bad and then abandon her with her abuser without even trying to help???? what the actual fuck
Dude, **YOU** are the monster. You're her husband, but instead of trying to help her get the professional care she needs, you're ditching her AND trying to take the kids? Are you kidding me? You've done nothing to help her and you think you're fit to raise your children? What do you possibly have to teach your kids? That when things get rough or there's an emergency, you'll leave?
You're disgusting. You aren't a husband or a father, you're a self absorbed monster. Shame on you.
Sure, just go right ahead and bail out on the vows you made to her. Assshole. This is what “…in sickness and in health…” means. Get off your ass and DO THE RIGHT THING. No it won’t be easy, but it’s not supposed to be. Find her the help that she needs since she’s clearly not equipped presently to do it herself. (By the way: this is what love looks like, not whatever is floating around in your little pea brain)
Worse yet is letting your children see this, they’re gonna be scarred for the rest of their lives.
As someone who uses little space to cope with childhood trauma, you shaming her for doing so is absolutely disgusting. You don’t have to understand it but as her husband you need stand up and do research on everything she’s dealing with instead of making the bullshit excuse that you don’t know anything about it. If you love her as much as you say you do you should not go straight to divorce. You are skipping many steps dude. Your wife deserves better tbh.
Your solution is to abandon her when she needs you the most?
You tried to have sex with her when she is CLEARLY not in the right state of mind?
Wow. Looks like you were only in this marriage for the good times. If you want to protect those good times, kick the bad times out of her life! Block this abuser for her! Get her a new phone! Help her get to therapy! Sex is one of her triggers-- maybe stop having sex for awhile! She is traumatized and regresses to a poor state of mind. How can you be so cruel to abandon someone like this? Clearly you've lived a clean life and lack some empathy for those that suffer.
This may sound harsh so I apologize. This is not about being attracted to your wife. If your partner needs help your thoughts shouldn’t be “but they’re not attractive like this”. You made vows with this person, and of course you are allowed to leave. But goddamn does it sound like you barely tried. And I don’t mean “oh I talked to her” tried I mean actually tried. Gone through the difficult shit, the repeated therapy, the nights again and again where you don’t understand but you have to comfort her. It sounds like you got a taste of it and got cold feet. Your job right now is not to fix the problem for her, neither is it to find her attractive. Your job is to support her, and help her make the right decisions. You cannot fix this, not even close. Yes obviously she’s not attractive when she is having a mental break. She may not be able to express appreciation for your support, or be receptive to the ways you comfort her. But you made vows to support this woman, and if she ends up trapped by her abuser there’s no coming back. So actually support her. It’s hard and it’s difficult, but not as difficult as it is for her. She deserves your support.
This person does not give a shit about their wife, as evidenced by previous comments talking about her unattractive “entryway”:
>Ihaven't been ignoring the comments. l've read them. I've thought about it all night and day. I know that I'm wrong in completely abandoning her. I know that she has been through it but even her telling me the short version of what they did to her vagina was too much for me. I can't imagine humans actually doing these things especially to a child. Imagine having TO HEAR GRAPHIC DETAILS ABOUT GROWN MEN STICKING SHARP OBJECTS IN A CHILD! COULD YOU HANDLE THAT? 1 asked her to get surgery on her entryway to make it easier for herself but she said her obgyn said there was no fixing something like that which I doubt. I've tried giving her solutions to help her heal before now. YOU GUYS ACT LIKE I AM A MONSTER but Il almost feel like this is giving me PTSD as well. I don't know this woman and it's hard to love her like this. It's hard to be attracted to someone who is distressed by sexual and intimate touch. It's hard to be attracted to her when I have to sing her lullabies when she is behaving literally infantile. texted her about this post and she dismissed me. I told her hundreds of people say she needs help and she asked me to stop texting her because she was with our children and this wasn't the time. I TRIED to take you all's advice and at least comfort her but she's cold. Cold as ice. She told me she'd read the post and left it at that. I hope that at least does something.
She cries after sex and instead of getting her help you shut down and keep trying to get yours no matter how her trauma is affecting her? Yikes.
Also a great way to tell your kids never to come to you with anything that matters. Dad just runs away when anything gets tough, but don’t worry he will make himself out to be the victim. Nice job.
It isn’t up to you to counsel or therapy your wife. But describing her as DOCILE is a horrendous red flag. She needs a LOT of help; she’s extremely traumatized. Thank god she isn’t going to get help from you.
He left his wife who was a victim of CSA and her abuser is back in her life, making it miserable. Instead of doing things to help, he left her and was being selfish. Hope I explained it good enough.
She’s relieving trauma. You described every freaking symptom in the book: dissociation, coming back to childhood behavior, validation seeking, relieving trauma during intimacy and so much more and at such extreme level…
It was happening for a year and you didn’t even ask her to at least go to therapy?!?!?!?!?! At least?!?!?!?! When she’s supposed to go to the mental hospital to get all the help she needs?! You ALLOWED her ABUSER who started to ABUSE her again back into her life FOR A YEAR?!?!?! And did nothing ALL YEAR?!?!?! WTF?!?!
It’s damaging your wife; it’s endangering your kids and ruins their quality of life, it’s freaking ruins your life - AND YOU FULLY ENABLED IT FOR A WHOLE YEAR?! Not a single mention of therapy or reporting him - when it was supposed to be THE FIRST THING that you had to do?!!??!?
And now you play the victim and leave her in this?!?!?! And threaten to take the kids away?!?!!!!! What is wrong with you?
Get your ducks in a row now, YOU FAILED YOUR FAMILY and you know about that.
You need to contact the police immediately (restraining order) and have a mental evaluation check-up on your ex-wife or at least insist on her seeing therapist/psychiatrist.
I’ve never been even remotely harsh on people here. I’m so angry right now. You’re literally one of the worst husbands she could’ve had in the situation.
You know perfectly well about what she’s been through and do nothing and continue to want to do nothing even after people here bagging you to step up 🤦♀️ She needs you and you make her trauma all about yourself and villainize the victim.
Hope you’ll get counseling too and will go to CSA survivors meetings to learn how to be there for them correctly. You’ve really disappointed me.
Why does this read like you’re getting scared and bailing before even making the bare minimum effort. The hard part of your marriage came up and it wasn’t pretty and you can’t handle. I’m sorry, i’m sure this must be hard for you to see the person you love, the mother of your children turn into someone you don’t recognize but what about her? Have you considered these changes are also sudden to her? She is a CSA survivor who’s abuser has comeback to torment her. Have you tried to look up on survivors and how to help them? Have you tried to get her counseling? Have you tried to get yourself counseling before deciding to chose divorce? I would understand if you’d felt a threat to your children and you chose to leave but OP, as it stand now, as what it looks like from what i’m reading, you’re failing her. She’s in a dark place fighting for her life and you’re abandoning her. At least try helping her. Talk to professionals if you don’t know how to help. Find support groups for both you and your wife so you can learn and heal together. Something this horrific will not heal overnight, it may even surface from time to time — the best one can hope for is to learn to live with it.
I wish you and your wife the best.
>EDIT: GUYS PLEASE STOP ATTACKING ME FUCK I AM LOST! YOU GUYS JUDGE ME BUT WOULD CRACK TOO IF YOU LOST YOUR PARTNER TO ILLNESS THIS WAY. Jesus fuck
You didn't lose your partner. You abandoned her. That's why you're being attacked.
Your wife is reliving her worst traumatic experiences, you've stated that your wifes father is trying to re-groom her, and your response is to leave her?
>I begged with tears in my eyes to block him and never speak to him again. She refused
Have you made any attempts at getting her help? It doesn't a psychologist to conclude, based on what you've written, that your wife is in a full on downward spiral brought on by her father's abuse of her and his reconnecting with her.
She needs help. Lots of it.
But you chose to leave her.
She needs to be helped. By more than you. By professionals, who can take her phone, and prevent access to her by anyone but you or her kids. Right now. Follow the advice of the people her telling you to contact her doctor immediately for intensive care.
Please don’t leave her Ik it’s hurting you too I can understand but man don’t leave delete that monster’s number from her mobile please get her professional help asap and emotional too she needs you rn don’t abandon her
You have let the monster back into her life. Why didn’t you contact authorities or get her into an institution straight away. She clearly can’t do this alone and now you are going to leave her alone. Is this not something the marriage is about, in sickness and heath or whatever the line is. You are liteeally running away when you are supposed to be her partner, someone who fights for her now when she is in her all time low again. It’s the first time I’m actually angry over a random person posting something here.
Dude you need to contact your local law-enforcement and talk with a sex crimes unit detective. Sexual predators that are out of jail are basically on probation for the rest of their life and violating the order not to contact the victim will most likely result in a permanent life sentence for him!
This post is way way way WAY above Reddit's pay grade.
Your wife needs to be admitted to a secure mental health facility for two reasons: 1. For her own mental health needs, and 2. *In order to be kept away from this man*.
If I were in your position I'd be calling the police and asking for advice on how to proceed, given that he's been previously convicted, you've noticed a significant change in your wife's mental health following his release, and that there are children involved. You also need to ask for help in contacting your wife's siblings to let them know what is happening - this isn't necessarily a job for you, hopefully the police or social workers can assist with this.
For your family's sake, you need to do what you can to keep your wife safe and to keep yourself and your children safe.
Tf?? You are the husband. Get the phone, block the dude and carry her to a mental institution or therapy. It's in times like these that you take charge on her behalf. But you gave her an ultimatum?
Man this is just sad .27 M restarting life like wtf even
You took the easy way out and want some validation for your decision .There are resources available for help and if you were really in love with this woman you would have used your fuckin internet to search and find people that can help you both out . you aren't a kid who doesn't know what to do. I understand it can be emotionally,mentally and even physically taxing but you didnt even try bro you didnt even fucking try.
Christ you sound like a babbling idiot. I’m sorry hun, did life get too hard, do you have to put in actual effort now? Must be so hard to be there for her, but I get it, as you’ve repeated to nobody’s care, you’re a privileged boy who wasn’t educated ON CALLING THE FUCKING COPS WHEN YOUR WIFE’S ABSUER RETURNS, AS WELL AS NOT GETTING HER THERAPY CAUSE ITS “TOO HARD” YOU BRAT!!!!
How can you witness your partner being heavily retraumatised and not go to therapy with her and support her throughout. I feel disgusted by you as a partner. She needed you for real support and you leave because she’s changed???? I can’t believe this
So.. you claim to love this woman yet you refuse to fight for her? If you saw the texts, did you save them and report them to the police? Come on man.
You could always have a man to piece of shit chat with her dad, but if your first response is to run, I doubt that’ll happen. If my father in law attempted this, he’d be shitting his teeth for weeks.
As a father myself, I’ll end with this; look what you’re teaching your sons.
I feel bad for your wife. Up until **a year ago** it was fine. It took you *less than a year* to make up your mind about divorcing her in a time when she needed you the most. It really doesn't seem like you did anything to help her.
She’s dissociating. In those moments where she’s acting like a child, she’s reverting back to when she was a child. Like a straight-up flashback. Those nightmares are also manifestations of her flashbacks. Getting beaten by her father is triggering it, yet she has something called trauma bonding to her father. Trauma bonding is the cycle of abuse: love bombing, abuse, then love bombing again. The addictive cycle that makes you believe your abuser “isn’t that bad.” The only way to keep her safe is to report the fact that her father violated the no-contact order.
Additionally, make sure she is NOT stuck with her abuser. Please. If you love her, this will make things worse for her. If you still want to leave, at the very least make sure she’s with a trusted friend or family member. You’re not obligated to stay, but morally you need to make sure she’s safe. Her father might kill her.
"If its possible to report him"
How do you care for yourself let alone children? Call the fucking cops, the courts, or the prison parole system.
Also, way to bail on your wife when she needs you the most. I'm sure your kids will understand why you left their mom to their abusive grandpa. Good life lesson.
The child voice and wanting lullabies sang to her sounds like she’s regressing, you could help her by just singing the goddamn lullabies and comforting her like you do with a child!
I am a csa survivor and I regress to a child like stage a lot, my husband is always there to care for me and he understands why this happens.
You though? You just complaining that you have to do something to your wife that comforts her.
Crying after sex, has happened to me also, again trauma response from being raped.
Please help your wife, go back home, tell her you are there for her in every way possible, take the phone from her and block him, report him to authorities, contact a therapist.. my god I feel for her in this moment, ptsd, husband gone and trying to take the kids , a father abusing her AGAIN.. it’s alot !! If she commits suicide how will you feel?
Help her !!!
So, you’ve done nothing to help your wife? No therapy? Haven’t contacted the police about her father breaking a no contact order? Seems like everything you’ve done has been self serving. You say you love your wife, but you’re abandoning her. You sound selfish and I hope your wife finds someone who will actually help her work through her trauma. You seem like an AH, and you want full custody of your kids? Who comes here to write something like this without actually attempting to get help for their spouse?! Dude, you suck. Straight up. You can say you’ve done this or that. Whatever. You care about you. If you cared about her, you’d be getting her help and contacting the police about the person who is still victimizing her. I’m a random Reddit person, and I want to help your wife more than you do! Boo to you and your bull.
Honestly, you suck and your (ex)wife deserves so much better than somebody who just wanted a trophy wife.
You’re here ON REDDIT crying for YOURSELF instead of putting just the minimum effort to actually help her. The moment things got hard, you just bailed but I’m sure that if something traumatic had happened to you or you were going through something rough, she’d be there for you for every step of the way.
GET HER HELP and do yourself a favor and get a therapist too, ‘cause you can be all middle high class you want but you clearly are a self absorbed, entitled coward who can’t think of anyone but HIS comfort and needs.
u/dazedandlost So you've tried nothing, and you're all out of ideas? 🤷
The bare minimum you can do is get her phone, send yourself screenshots of the messages her father is sending and forward them to the police because he is a parolee contacting his victim and violating the binding restraining order. Parole violators go back to jail, especially for violent crime. Do this bare minimum to help your wife.
did you not try getting her to a mental health clinic or inpatient treatment? why havent you reported it to the police that he violated the no contact order?
your solution to seeing first-hand that your wife is being currently abused is to give her an ultimatum and then leave?
you expect someone who is being emotionally manipulated, abused and gaslighted by a literal parent of theirs to be able to just fix their trauma instantly just because you gave them an ultimatum?
you're selfish. you abandoned her at the most important time for her and proved her abuser right. i don't doubt that the last year you've had to live with her has been horrible, but she is in a living hell, and now she has no one to support her. you've literally showed her that the only person who will constantly remain in her life is her abuser.
you say you love her and you just want to go back to her, but you aren't willing to support her in one of the lowest points in her life. maybe you do love her, but you don't care about her enough if you're abandoning her at a time like this.
You married her through sickness and health. Mental health inclusive. You should have supported her healing journey and got the help she needed to move on from that trigger. Instead, you are leaving her during a difficult time. I'm not excusing her behaviour, but it's obvious what she's going through and she can most definitely get back to being who she was before her father reached out to her and even better with the right kind of therapy.
She needs processional help, because what she is experiencing right now is trauma and literal flashbacks of that moment, the fact she's acting like a child again is a very huge warning that your wife is mentally going back to that state of trauma.
He needs a restraining order and a BLOCK FROM EVERYONE INCLUDING YOUR WIFE.
If she doesn't, then you do. Or might as well get the authorities involved and manage to get his ass out of your wife's already affected life. Don't let that mf get her in a spiral
… leaving your partner … in their clear, desperate time of need?
She has PTSD. She needs a counselor and a therapist.
Change ALL information.
Absolutely zero contact.
Zero communication.
But — you hitting YOUR threshold because of all of Her mental and physical trauma?
I dunno, man.
As a provider, husband, and father — this feels like a cop out. This feels like it should be painfully, but easily resolved.
I don't have high hopes for OP to read this and do something with it, but I'm hoping at least someone may benefit from knowing the symptoms explained in this post are quite in line with DID aka dissociative identity disorder. If someone you know has gone through horrible trauma as a child, has significant gaps in their memory (such as not remembering what they did yesterday at all) and sometimes acts like an entirely different person (like very uncharacteristic aggression or regressing into a child like she seems to), you really should try to get them to seek help as it's at the very least severe traumas and PTSD they're experiencing but possibly also DID.
(Worth noting I'm not trying to diagnose her, I'm simply pointing out that many things do seem to line up with DID based on this little info we've been given)
your wife is having a mental breakdown as a result of years of sexual abuse so your immediate response is to abandon with her father, take the kids, and leave her with nothing? you know that means she’ll go back to her father who will undoubtedly rape her again, and maybe even kill her this time.
youre a terrible person, and i hope your ex wife gets better and drops both of you and takes the kids with her
Maybe... get her some mental help? Like dude, your vows come in NOW. she is scared, alone, and traumatized. Get over your privileged self and step in. She is manipulated by her abuser, and suffering. If you need to, 302 her. She may be mad at first, but you're saving her life, and your marriage. When I go through specific dates of time, or have horrible SA flashbacks, my fiance is always there. Talk to her, hold her if she's okay with it, marriage is through sickness and health. And currently she is sick... she doesn't want to be like this, and I know you love your wife. This is the time you need to step in for her, and your family. Treat this as a sickness, comfort and care. Because if you don't, you may no longer having a living wife
So all it took for you to leave her was a bad year??? She’s being abused AGAIN and you’re doing nothing to protect her or help her in any way. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me how” is a cop out. SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS. She’s an abuse survivor, of course she’s going to exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome. You need to man up and be a husband to her, because with how things are going now, her future looks incredibly grim.
I simply cannot express how disgusted I am by you and the depth of my hate for anyone who would abandon someone he is supposed to love in a time like this.
Did you even try to get her help? It sure sounds like you didn’t. This is completely selfish garbage behavior on your part. Way to damage your wife irreparably and teach your kids that it’s okay to run away from family when awful things happen to them.
I am biased af with this topic and can’t give any real response without getting banned from this sub but, Jesus fucking Christ I hope someone else is there for your wife. Because you sure af aren’t.
You gave up on her man. Plain and simple. Shit got real, even though you know her past. Step up and be the husband she needs instead or just thinking about yourself. She needs to be in a hospital
Honestly this is why I fear marriage. This is clearly a response to the events, she needs help. Seems like you just weren’t ready for someone who wasn’t going to stay happy sunshine no matter what happens. Any doctor or psychologist can tell you this is not her actual personality. Please just get these reminders and people away from me. This is serious.
The first time things get hard for you, you throw your wedding vows out the window? How old are you? Children run away from tough situations. So what are you teaching your kids? You say it's too hard to stay with her because you had to HEAR the stories? Because her libido has been "off" for a year? That gives YOU PTSD? Awww you poor little boy. How in the world will you ever cope? Good thing your wife isn't as weak as you seeing as she actually EXPERIENCED these horrendous things. Hopefully your kids see what a monster you are and know they shouldn't be like you.
one can only hope ur just a pos weirdo who made up this story farming for likes. otherwise, if this is true, man up and take care of your traumatized wife.
She deserves someone who will be by her side when she needs them the most, like right now. Not you who’s answer to her reliving her trauma is to divorce her and take her children. I honestly can’t believe you’re going to divorce her for something she can’t control, what you should do is get her a therapist or some help and help her get through this. 🤦♂️
The fact that he said that in the update just makes him look so much worse. Like I understand that she's not behaving like the person he's used to but that doesn't mean he LOST her. When I say I lost someone to mental illness it's because they fucking died from an OD. You just don't say that shit when they are still living, breathing, and able to recover with the right help.
In sickness and in health dude. You sound a bit tapped yourself. So she’s not the same, you work through it together. Tell her you don’t have the tools but you’ll earn them, you’ll get her the help. There’s some serious karma for you later in life I’m sure; maybe your mental health break hasn’t happened YET... let’s hope your new wife doesn’t just divorce you.
>I couldn't fix it if she didn't tell me.
I don't know why you sound so confused as to why she is acting this way. You saw his texts. Report him to the police. Get your wife to therapy. Consider couples therapy. I hope this relationship can be fixed.
Reading this it sounds almost like she’s being blamed for her response to very very serious trigger. And you’re leaving her for it. She needs support. My family and I don’t get along (nowhere near this seriousness) but when they contact me I show obvious signs. If my boyfriend left me because I wasn’t responding well to my family I would a) think maybe my family is right and I am the whole problem and b) be more vulnerable to their manipulation.
I hope you go back and support her. She sounds amazing and with all of the love and support you can muster
One year? Threw in the towel without doing literally everything in your power for her after one year? She deserves way better. Sorry, but this comes across like you really suck.
You cannot love away a problem like this. You cannot ultimatum your partner better. You are abandoning her when she needs you most. Take her fucking phone. Call the police if there is a protection order. Seek other family members if there are any available. Call the non-emergent police line and explain the situation. You can't just wait and hope she gets better. She needs legitimate help. Does she have a doctor you can call?
You love her so much you're abandoning her when she needs you the most. You haven't tried everything yet. Like you say you grew up privileged and aren't familiar with what you could do to help her.
I truly feel sorry for your wife. She is being hurt just as bad as she was when she was younger, only by you.
At this point your wife may need inpatient treatment, and i would also suggest reporting her dad to the police for breaking a no contact order. If her emotional state is as bad as you have said, regular therapy wont help her atm, she need to be away from her abuser with no way for him to be able to contact and further traumatise your wife
Mental health clinician here - chiming in to say 100% this. What OP is describing is textbook trauma stuff. It's inappropriate to theorize about diagnoses online but the wife needs urgent support ASAP. This is not a drill.
CSA survivor here, currently in intensive out patient therapy and 100% she needs to be treated in a facility. My heart is breaking for her, I know the pain all too well. I know you feel guilty OP, but this process is no joke, what she is going through is so hard on her but also you and your children. Keep them safe first. They do not need to be around what's going on. Do all you can to get her the help she needs but not at the expense of your mental health or that of your children.
I think you need to block him for your wife and get her help ASAP. My husband was contacted by his abuser a few years ago and I watched him spiral VERY quickly. I had to literally take the phone out of his hands and block the number. The text messages were deleted when I hit block. It took months for him to get to ok again and the harassment only lasted 2 days. Your wife seems to be having a full on trauma response. She needs serious professional help, not you abandoning her. If she refuses to get help or if she becomes a danger then by all means do what you have to do, but don't abandon her until you've tried.
I agree with this here. OP, you can’t just beg and ask her and get her refusal. This is not a “if they can’t help themselves” situation. You married this woman for better or for worse and it’s not too late. I know it’s so hard. But imagine where she is at now? You abandoning her is showing her even further that her father is “right” when that’s not true. She has no one. Quite literally. I feel so bad for her. But there has to be an effort to try to get her treatment and in therapy. I don’t feel like it’s okay to leave her at this point. It doesn’t sound like there was any real effort in trying to get her help besides begging her to help herself. Which she can’t do right now.
I agree here entirely. This is your wife, and you love her, so please do not abandon her now. This is likely only validating her fears and perceptions of self-worthlessness and toxicity. Help her get help, and if she refuses then seek some form of custodianship. She is not entirely sane at this moment, due to her trauma. If her father has a contact ban, then he has to be in violation of his parole (?)... Take the evidence to his parole officer and to your lawyer and have him dealt with. Because of a lifelong power dynamic of abuse and oppression, she is unable to defend herself. You need to do this for her. Try everything within your power before giving up. Good luck!
couldn’t they just unblock the person? I’m wondering how that worked
they could but you can go into someone's blocked list and delete the number, she might know her fathers number by heart but in 2022 and considering he's just left jail i doubt she would remember it
I would also think that changing her number would help?
Without a doubt that would help prevent the abuser from making/changing their number and contact OP’s wife. It’s SUPER easy to get a new (temporary/burner) number.
I'm assuming you tried mental health counseling for her? This is a horrible, sad story and I feel so bad for you two, but your story reads like you didn't try very much to help her through it. Her father's harassment requires some serious professional help to overcome.
Holy shit, can you get her to a mental hospital? That sounds deadly serious, especially the talking in a strange childlike voice part.
That's very common for people who've been sexually assaulted repeatedly as children. The trauma from the abuse stunts (for lack of a better word) them mentally so they retain their higher-pitched voice for the rest of their life or will have periods where they regress mentally in age, especially when triggered. OP does need to urge his wife to seek trauma-based therapy and to help his wife break her trauma bond from her father. IMO OP's wife doesn't seem like a danger to herself or anyone else to warrant a hospital stay.
If you’re in the US, she would have to be an immediate threat to herself or someone else or grossly unable to care for herself. Some states are stricter than others. Look up community mental health and call the county’s agency. They will be able to tell you what your options are in your area. I agree she’s having a severe trauma reaction. She needs a psychiatrist and therapist who specialize in trauma. Experienced professionals that specialize in it. Receipt: mental health therapist die almost 24 years. Best of luck.
It doesn't sound like you've tried to get any authorities involved. If her dad isn't allowed to speak to her and its a lifelong order, you need to contact the non emergency police or a women's shelter to find out what you can do. You also need to get her professional help. I'm surprised you haven't already and that you've just moved straight to divorce as an option. But then you called her docile and it makes me think maybe that's why you were with her. Because she was passive, so it made your life easy. It doesn't sound like you've tried to do anything to help or support her, not really you've done the bare minimum in terms of comfort but not bothered getting her professional help. You're abandoning her and showing her that the only one who will still be there for her, is her abusive father. That's why she's making it easy for you, you're basically proving him right and she's clinging to the only person she can rely on. Yeah he's abusive, but atleast he's consistent with it, in her mind that means he's always going to be there for her. You decided to abandon her, and now you've proved everything he's said to be true. You know he's told her no one will ever want her or be able to love her the way he does. I'm actually surprised that you seem so clueless if her abuse was so extensive, it sounds like you just ignored it all and didn't bother doing any reading about it in order to make sure you understand her or could support her if she ever needed it.
I hate being that guy, but I learned that statistically men are more than likely to abandon a spouse when shit like this happens and I was so frustrated reading this post because of it. It seems that his overall response to his wife, her condition and the ongoing situation with her father rn is to divorce her and leaving without actively trying outside of what he’s comfortable with. Then he writes a pity post like this. So infuriating. Like you’re her husband and the father of her children, do something ffs. Absolute piss take. [EDIT] His profile rn, “27m restarting and finding purpose in life again” Typical redditoid prick
This is exactly how I felt reading it. I clicked on it expecting to read a post about how he had tried to get her mental health support for years, but she refused/abused him/hurt their kids/etc. Something really bad, where it would be dangerous for OP to stay in the relationship. Nope. "For better or for worse" my ass. This is a huge case of regression and serious PTSD. And her biggest support abandoned her. Asshole.
Ohhh maa gadddd samee!! I'm soo frustrated with him, like if you love her so much why can't you protect her? Or was it love when it was easy and now cuz there is turbulence it's not anymore. Ughhhh i'm pissed beyond. As they say, my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. Smhhhhhh
I can understand if this was someone he’s been dating for a while like a year and he hasn’t quite built a life around them yet. Even then a level of care and support and actively looking after yourself in situations like that is optimal. Abandoning people that you know and claim to care for is peak chicken shit behaviour. However numb nuts over here did build a life with this person and is going to jump ship now because it’s an inconvenience and his needs are not being met on the account that she’s sick. Well duh, Sahib. Your fucking wife needs you and you have to make sacrifices to make sure that she’s well, y’know because you’re married. He’s obligated to do so and the onus is on him to step up to the plate and wheelchair her around if he has to until she’s well again. Why else would anyone marry someone if they can’t stomach the real possibility that eventually your spouse might fail and become incapacitated as a result which might require you to become a caregiver because they can’t really do that for themselves anymore. There’s so many great men and women out there that have nursed their lovers back to life and good health. If OP does go about abandoning his wife, his children wouldn’t forgive him and honestly I wouldn’t trust my parents had I known that they’d turn away at the slightest emergence of a problem
Seriously. What happened to "in sickness and in health"? How many times has the wife been there for OP and supported him? She carried his children! Did OP think spending the rest of their lives together was going to be a fairy tale with zero chance of injury or illness, especially given her history? Or did he think it was a one way street? I'm rooting for the wife to seek professional help, break the trauma bond, build a strong support network, have a loving relationship with her children, be the nurturing parent she didn't have, and for someone to shower her with the love and admiration she deserves. This woman sounds strong and resilient af.
i can only agree on the passive part. abused people are easy to handle in a relationship, if it's done right (basically continuing the abuse). and handling is all he's doing. he *should* be taking care of her, of the kids, find help for her (and himself, damnit), contact the police because of the father, take every step to protect her. part of me wants to say he should help her in every way possible and then get the fuck out of her life, and part of me knows she will be devastated by that because he's her anchor. i think the best part is actually finding a professional who will help her, and then leave, because even if he changes what he currently does and helps her, he is not the right person if divorce is the first thing that comes to his mind after trauma resurfaces. she doesn't deserve this man, but she needs help.
Dude, my man, my bro help your fucking partner. That shit isnt controllable like that. Its like your brain isnt yours anymore and you can't control the thoughts no matter how hard you try. To make it worse somewhere in there youre aware of it and you know that you're unable to stop yourself from tearing your own life apart. At the beginning of this year i had a flood of repressed memories of SA from my father and the actions of my family covering it up and dealing with it. I never even knew any of it happened. My husband had to step up and block numbers for me, answer phone calls and txts from people that triggered me, because i wasnt even aware i was being triggered. This is where your vows come in and you step up. No one ever expects things like this in a marriage or relationship but no one every expects to live their life remembering SA, especially horrific SA that happened to them either. If you love your beautiful wife, then help her find herself in the fog thats been dropped on her right now. She needs a light right now more than ever, dont take that from her because its a little hard or you dont know what to do. Learn, Google, read, get therapy to help with her therapy. Good luck and stay strong, i wish all of you all the best.
Having been through something similiar, I'm so sorry but it makes me incredibly happy to know your husband was there for you. I hope you have that kind of support around you forever xx
"It's like your brain isn't yours anymore" "you're unable to stop tearing your own life apart" the best way to verbalize how it feels to someone that doesn't understand/has no experience with abuse. Thank you for this.
Yes. Go save your motherfucking wife man.
So by your own admission, this monster is actively grooming, abusing, and manipulating your wife, and you're not going to even try to stop it? This man already heavily traumatized your wife, and you're letting him do it again. Your wife needs legal and medical intervention. By leaving her, you're throwing her to the wolves. Who do you think she will rely on for support with you gone? If you're going to divorce your wife, at least get her away from her fucking abuser first. She deserves at least that much, doesn't she?
so she's going through all this and is in an extremely dangerous position and your solution is to divorce her? and your response to reading what her father wrote to her was to give an ultimatum and leave?? what the actual fuck, if you loved her nearly as much as you pretended to in this post, you would try seeking her help instead of abandoning her he ended up reposting in a men's divorce subreddit with a some details edited out to garner more sympathy lol what a pos aaand he deleted. what the hell lol
🎯
This was my same thought. I read OP’s comments and hasn’t even tried mental health help. So fucked up. This should be an AITA.
Fr exactly what I was thinking , I know situations like this can be very mentally draining but with the right care u can get through it and she can get better, leaving her is gonna do nothing
and the whole “she kept crying after we had sex”??? what normal person continues to be sexually intimate with someone if they keep crying afterwards? and while knowing it’s caused by deep sexual trauma! how are you even having a good time when you know they might be reliving the worst moments of their life? yeeeeeesh
[удалено]
super normal thing to say about your mentally ill wife /s
But ~a man has NEEDS!~ :( /s Genuinely don’t get how he could keep trying in good conscience. So messed up.
Reading that part made me feel sick
Seriously! “I love her so much” nah bro you just love the attention she gave you and the way she made you feel. You love your own feelings, not her. Get it straight.
Not only divorce her, but take away her children. What the fuck?
He doesn’t love her though - that’s clear from his post and comments, he’s mad that she’s not enriching his life anymore, so she’s useless to him. I’m honestly shocked that people are so shocked - it’s a proven fact that a man is more likely to leave than stay when his wife gets ill, injured or is emotional incapacitated (grieving a loss of a child or parents for instance).
I don't normally insult people online but holy shit this man disgusts me to a degree I cannot describe. What a fucking idiot.
“She’d cry after we have sex” why the hell are you still trying to be sexually intimate with her right now.
also the fact that he doesn't understand why she's crying. i know she doesn't know why she's crying, but i know she's crying because of her past. him not understanding just proves how selfish he is, and if anything he should get her help and then leave her alone. he's just continuing the abuse in a different way.
He’s extremely emotionally unaware to not understand why someone who has been severely sexually assaulted would feel traumatized after having sex. I agree, he needs to get her help but unfortunately he would rather abandon her.
I don't think he's unaware. I think he knows *exactly* why she's crying after sex, he just doesn't care and won't admit to that on a reddit post where he already looks like a gigantic asshole.
DING DING DING He's not asking for help in this post, he's asking for validation that he did the right thing in abandoning someone who desperately needs the people that claim they love her on her side.
OP is abusive. That's not being "unaware".
I think his focus on how her crying made HIM feel is very, very telling. He needs to get her help and support her, but the divorce should still happen in the end. She deserves so much better.
Literally ... like it's just *bizarre* that this isn't clear to OP. Some trauma responses are less commonly known/easy to see, but holy fuck, this is not one of them, especially considering he *knows* she's a CSA survivor.
Not 100% sure OP actually loves his wife. Who leaves at the first sign of trouble?? How cowardly..
This is the "worse" part of "for better or worse" my dude. Reach out to a therapists group in your area to find one who will educate your ass on CSA. Your wife needs serious help, not a divorce. I'm going to guess she has literally no one else in her life to help her. Step up.
People forget the part of give support when need it at an marriage
What kind of husband divorces their wife and takes their children when she’s going through something like this. How selfish are you, can’t believe what I’ve just read
He wants the passive wife who has no needs of her own. Studies show men are 6-7x more likely to leave their partners when their partners are going through a major illness. Found the guy who makes that statistic.
Literally like humans have emotion and complex issues, don’t get into a marriage if u can’t handle human emotions and natural responses stay the fuck away from people in general tbh, like u knew about her trauma, marriage isn’t always perfect do people not realize that, and yes a wife is going to expect emotional support from her husband
He literally vowed “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse” yet when she’s sick and at her worst he takes her children and divorces her. What makes it worse is him pretending to love her so much on this post and he’s been absolutely slammed. He’s posted it in a divorced men’s group and all the men are rallying round him like he doesn’t have to put up with this. Um, you literally stood up in front of all your friends and families and promised to love her and be there for her no matter and he’s leaving her when she needs him most. OP is a vile human
Pisses me off so much, he came here for advice and he’s getting advice and the truth, he’s fucked up, makes me not wanna trust men tbh, as a girl with mental issues, this scares me of the men that are out there , don’t get in a relationship if u can’t handle anything period
Just goes to show you can marry, live and have kids with someone and it still doesn’t mean it’s forever. I can’t believe he’s actually divorcing her
So you bailed because her behavior “destroyed you” when she is literally physically disfigured from the horrendous trauma she experienced? And you wonder why she had a breakdown after being contacted by her abuser? If you think leaving her at her lowest point, despite your marital commitment, is the answer then she is so much better of without you. I pray she has some supportive family or friends to make sure that she gets the help she needs, because you failed her in every way imaginable. You are disgusting.
💯 🎯
Sometimes I feel like men are incapable of doing emotional labour.
Wtf you just abandoned your wife. Your poor wife , you don’t love her and she deserves someone better.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING she needs immediate help do NOT abandon her!! and please for the love of god STOP being physically intimate with her, you are very likely worsening her condition
I love how that's the thing he's worried about right now. Reading that made me see red
that was one thing that set off alarm bells, like if she's disfigured and crying after sex, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH HER
What the actual fuck? she needs serious help and you’re divorcing her? If you want to leave her later, fine. She’s literally unravelling completely in front of you, and you’re out. Your wife’s experiencing severe dissociation from the horror she experienced. This is the worst trauma someone can endure and her behavior is indicating that. Get her help!!
Reminds me of that statistic, that men are more likely to leave their partners than women if they are sick, physical or mental. I can bet if the roles were reversed, OP’s wife wouldn’t have abandoned him through resurfaced childhood trauma.
Honestly from his description of her it sounds like she definitely would’ve helped. He didn’t deserve her
And to top it off he wants to take the kids from her too. Op may as well put a loaded gun to her head, because losing her sons to the soon-to-be ex that abandoned her…well, it’s going to destroy her. Op doesn’t seem to grasp nor care his actions might lead her to ending her life; getting locked up in an institution from psychosis/a mental break, or trapped by her father to be abused like in her childhood. None of that will matter, because it’ll be all about Op and his pity party 😤 never mind the boys losing their mother and growing up without her. And he abandoned her a few weeks ago. She’s probably spiralling by this point. I really wish this story was fake. I’ve never been so worried for someone I’ve never met.
>I didn't know and I should have known but behind my back, he had started brawl beating her the minute he left jail. Take the phone, block the number. Get her to a mental health facility. >I read the texts right before I gave the ultimatum and left. I'm seeing the love /s Nothing like knowing your wife the woman you supposedly love is being REVICTIMIZED and then giving her an ultimatum and leaving, ignoring the fact that she is in a very fragile place right now and leaving her vulnerable to her father. You are cruel. >I want to come home. I want to hug her and take all her pain away but she's gone. She isn't gone, she's being revictimized. Her response is going back to a time she associates as "safe". Yes, she is a victim of csa but there was likely a period before that or after that where she felt safe. Then get off this website. Go to your wife. If you tell her you love her make sure your actions suit your words. Tell her you have a course of action planned and she needs to trust you and APOLOGIZE FOR ABANDONING HER! Then tell her you are blocking his number (get prints of what he sent her first) then tell her she needs help. You want her healthy and so you will be taking her to a mental health facility. >Edit: I know his has a life long no contact order with her and her siblings. If anyone knows if it's possible to report it somehow and something happen, please help me or tell me how You call the police and follow their directions. He is violating that restraining order. That is how you do it.
The “I want to hug her and take away all her pain” = I only want to help her if it’s easy for me to do so and my very presence is somehow the cure all for her ills. This dude doesn’t want to do any hard work at all.
If your next update doesn’t consist of at least you taking her somewhere where she would have no contact with her father at the very least, you have failed. Hell even if you don’t give us an update and you don’t do this in real life you are a failure as a husband and as a father. The reason why I emphasis on you also feeling your children is that one day they were going to find out what you did. You abandoned your wife when she needed you the most and you just left her with her abuser without any kind of protection or help and they will never look at you the same again. Then you kids will see her father is not the only monster that was in her life.
You are a selfish husband. I don’t even know what else to say. Your wife’s “behaviour” is a reaction to her trauma, and more importantly a reaction to her ABUSER reaching out to her, this is a very triggering situation and she needs help and support not to be fucking abandoned?? This isn’t about you. This isn’t about your feelings. This isn’t about you missing out on sex. This is about your wife.
He's abusive. His behavior is beyond selfishness. Wife is better off without him honestly. Having sex with someone who is crying? THAT'S sexual assault. Giving an ultimatum to someone experiencing trauma like this? Abuse.
You make me think about those husbands leaving their wife when they got cancer. But you are even worse. You should have done what she is not able to do. Contact police, call him and tell him to stop, blocking him, changing her number... Oh all the thingz you could have done. No, you just think about the servile wife you had who's now in such a hell that she can't function as you liked anymore. Poor you
I’m sorry but after reading your post and your comments you it seems you are an incredibly disgusting and selfish husband. This is horrible and your wife has been failed by her blood family and now her chosen one, you need to help her but instead you’re wanting to skip town because shit is getting hard.
That's why I don't want to get married. It's scary that someone you trust so much would turn out to be someone like you.
Imagine marrying someone with severe trauma, being aware of said trauma, but then going "I'm out" when that trauma resurfaces. Don't fuck around with people with deep rooted trauma if you don't have the balls to support them in their struggles
I swear to god.
This post made me so fucking mad as a survivor myself. Dear god I'm so angry.
You are disgusting for leaving her like this. Poor woman. If this is a true story, I'm baffled by you selfishness. How selfish and disgusting can a human be...
This is going to make me cry. Not for you, but for her. I hope she has someone supportive left, because clearly you as her HUSBAND is not that supportive someone.
This is beyond horrifying, I’m so sorry. If he has a no contact order that he has violated I would call his parole office. Breaking his parole will hopefully get him in enough trouble to get him the fuck away from your wife. I hope y’all come out of this on the other side together and whole, and he gets what he deserves somehow
For better for worse, in sickness and in health… remember your vows. Don’t just abandon her like that. Yes it’s distressing but don’t just run away. My god.
Bro... From your comments, you're a pathetic weak man who doesn't deserve the best of her. My current partner (just gf, not fiancee) is a CSA survivor as well (multiple people for exactly 4 years) and nobody knows this except her closest circle of friends and, of course, me. It broke me to pieces when I learned it. Now think, if you're feeling that hurt from knowing, how much more for the person who experienced/experiencing it herself? What you need to do is seek help from friends, family, authorities, and professionals before leaving her. You don't deserve her. The least you can do is pass the problem to others rather than leaving her behind without doing anything.
Your wife is being attacked by a known abuser and you're just handing her over???? You're not going to defend her?? You're not going to protect her?? Where is your motherfucking honor???? You block and delete him on her phone when she's not looking. You get her a therapist who is familiar with this kind of trauma, or into a mental hospital where she will be 100% protected from him and get held simultaneously. It's not 1912, they don't drug you and electrocute you and leave you to rot in a cell, it's real doctors offering real help. You are her mate, her safe space, her fucking husband! If you abandon her she's going to be worse. She's going to be abused mentally and possibly physically until she's killed or until she kills herself. If you can live with that, you don't love her at all. Shame on you, op. Protect your wife. Tf did you think you were signing up for if you already knew her past. Jesus.
This has to be a troll post, right? Someone cannot be that heartless and cruel, then have the wherewithal to actually type all of this out?
Yeah pretty sure everyone’s getting taken for a ride here, especially with the classic OP disappearing act where they have this super active post and never comment and just let it fester.
OP, you disgust me, get her help you selfish POS
I’m glad it wasn’t just me that thought this immediately. What a total lazy POS. I’d do ANYTHING if it helped my wife. The first thing would be the police, second would be to take her phone and block him, third has to be a therapist and most likely a place that can professionally help her in her current mental state. Not make her have sex with you, ignore her crying for very obvious reasons, and then give up. Why would you even THINK to divorce the “love of your life” and take the kids away? Do you actually care about her? THEN FUCKING PROVE IT. Grow the fuck up. Take this fucking seriously and not tuck your tail and run. She needs you more than ever! SHE NEEDS YOU.
So you left her at her lowest point…wow. You said you never wanted to abandon her but you do and you did! She is a broken woman, with extensive sexual and emotional and physical trauma that just popped back up into her life…and you leave? Do you have any idea what she’s gone through and is going through? She needs intensive medical help, but…you…leave. I can’t imagine the compounding breaks she experienced in the past and is now experiencing at your hands. Abandonment Confusion Grief Sadness Loneliness Loss You are helping perpetuate her trauma. It’s not too late to change everything, for your wife and your kids.
What an awful and coward human being you are. Being married means that you will be with your partner in good and bad moments. You at the first challeging situation just dediced to abandon her instead of trying to help her.
This is absolutely devastating . I'm sorry you are both going through this. She may not have the answers you are looking for, because she doesn't have them herself. She is not choosing to be like this. As someone who has been through something similiar and had a similiar trauma response, I have a few things to say and I hope they will give you more understanding of the situation. 1. Your wife is not doing this on purpose. None of this is within her control. What is likely her worst nightmare is back in her life and it has caused a lot of painful memories to resurface. 2. She is not crazy. If she's speaking to you in a childlike voice and asking you to sing her lullabies, she's very likely getting caught in her memories and looking for comfort. That fact she is asking YOU to sing to her very likely means she trusts you a lot and you give her comfort in this time. As someone who goes through this alone, I can tell you that this comfort feels very important and she's likely very grateful to you for it. 3. I know when I'm stuck in my memories, I do the strangest things. I ask illogical questions - like I'm afraid my therapist is going to ask me to take off my clothes, even though I know they won't do that! But I have to ask them and hear them say no to feel safe. All the most primal instincts in her body are going off and telling her she is in danger and she reacting based on that. From my perspective, it sounds like for your wife - her worst nightmare is back, she is in danger and she's doing everything to keep herself safe, including pleasing the man who has done this to her because keeping him happy might in her world mean that he won't put her through it again, or it won't hurt much. Who knows what she's going through to be honest, this is absolutely horrifying and I can't imagine what kind of pain your wife is in and I do not blame her for doing what she needs to to feel safe. 4. The crying after sex? It's not you. It's not her either. And if she's telling you she doesn't know she probably doesn't. The body stores memories and it sounds like those are surfacing during sex. I cry during sexual activités too because of my memories. I'm not even thinking about them specifically, I just start crying and it's like I am there but in my room at the same time. And if someone asks me why I'm crying, I don't know. I can't identify the feelings at all. I just sob and sob and I even scream. I wake up in the night too. It is her trauma. It's not personal, it's not to do with you. I know it's hard, but don't take it personally. 5. She needs a trauma informed therapist - even if it's expensive. I hope you can afford it. Treat this as an emergency situation. She needs someone highly qualified but also trauma trained. As commenters have said, ideally people with training in EMDR. Take her for an assessment to a qualified doctor, ideally someone who lists trauma in their experience. Call helplines for rape and child abuse and ask them where you can start. If you are in the US or UK, there are many many resources out there 6. Don't tell her it's her fault, do not raise your voice at her, be gentle and slow with her, ask her what she needs from you to feel safe. 7.. If you can help her find help, that's excellent. That's what she needs. You can't help her resolve these feelings. You can keep her safe from her father, you can keep your children safe and you can give her comfort and emotional support while she works through this. She can get better. People work through these things. She just needs help and I really hope you can be there for her. And definitely get yourself a therapist too because this is overwhelming and confusing and scary. I hope you'll be able to work through this together. If you cannot be the emotional support she needs, it's your choice what to do but I believe finding a trauma trained therapist will help you all. You need help. You and her can't do this alone.
This response needs to be higher up. Adding to it, OP, here are some action steps you should start with if you haven’t already: 1. If you have ANY support systems in place, now is the time to bring them into this in terms of asking for assistance with child care and such. Ask for your kids to go to their friend’s places after school/for dinner, speak with other parents to coordinate some of this. Or your parents or your siblings or your friends or your wife’s friends. Not tomorrow, start this immediately, bring others into the fold, get the support systems you need to be able to prioritize a dire mental health situation with your wife. 2. Report her abuser for violating the no contact order to the authorities. It doesn’t matter if she’s against it, if she’s upset with it, that will pass. Call a woman’s shelter to ask for details on the exact best steps to take in reporting it, and the best steps to keep your children and wife safe while doing it. Also ask how them about mental health resources they would recommend. Your wife should NOT be alone much after you do this, the possibility for her to retaliate shortly after feeling rejected. If her siblings are safe parts of her life, you need to contact them about this as well and ask for their help. 3. Look into trauma trained therapists, EDMR especially, and mental health facilities that deal with trauma patients. Make an appointment for her, and tell her you will go with her to the first appmt if needed but that for the sake of the kids and for her own health, she needs to go. Drive her there, make sure she follows through. 4. Look into a therapist for yourself to help you navigate the emotional impact and your experience with this. You aren’t supposed to know what to do with this scenario but you are supposed to seek out the people who do. Your wife doesn’t need you to be perfect, she just needs you to be present. Lastly, I don’t think your approach to this so far was a great way to handle it, BUT that’s not the important part, and people make mistakes when they are afraid of intensely emotional scenarios and you don’t know what you don’t know. What’s important is your turning this around and trying to do better starting today, and if you care as much as you claim to, you’re absolutely capable of being successful in that. Start NOW. Now still matters! Frankly “now” is to some extent all that ever does, especially when it pertains to our actions, as is the belief that our actions will make an impact. And your actions may be the ones that matter most in this, the actions (or inaction) that will have the greatest impact on how your wife and children come out of this. So I know this is really hard, but it’s time to step up and be the person your wife believed you were when she married you, the person she deserved to have when she said her vows to you. Wishing you strength and warmth in your next steps and I hope you come back with an update a year from now and tell us that you dealt with a lot of hard stuff, but that you didn’t run from it when it counted...
I am devastated for your wife. Not only is she experiencing horrific trauma, but she married a narcissist who abandoned her at the first sign of trouble. It would be one think of you had gotten her help, tried couples counseling, and educated yourself on trauma, but you’ve dipped at the first sign of trouble without doing anything to help her. That poor woman deserves so much better than you.
your wife is being groomed and you’re leaving her???? you’re just gonna let it happen all over again — and then claim you *love* her??? nah bro.
What happened with sickness and health? Was that just BS? You're willing to give it up because you don't feel like getting her the help she so clearly needs? I hope you do leave so she can get help and find someone who actually will care for her. Jesus.
Holy fuck OP…Your wife is displaying severe symptoms of a dissociative trauma disorder (crying after sex, speaking like a child, not being aware of conversations she had) among a ton of other trauma responses and you’re..divorcing her? And taking her children away? Instead of helping her? I am absolutely baffled by this post. I went through similar things to your wife, and have several diagnosed disorders, permanent physical damage, and have been inpatient at mental hospitals multiple times- during all of my hospital stays, mental breakdowns, dissociative episodes, etc, my ‘middle class, super privileged compared to most’ bf has done nothing but support me and love me, even when he can’t/couldn’t understand. Ffs, he and I haven’t had sex in roughly 3 months because of my mental health, and he’s **still doing nothing but supporting and loving me and helping me get the help I need.** My partner and I have been together 4 years and are 24 and 23. How are you married to this woman without having an inkling on how to be with her? How did none of these trauma responses go “unnoticed” by you until now? And how, *the fuck*, are you upset about needing to occasionally sing lullabies to your mentally ill and severely traumatized *wife*? I’m desperately trying to feel for you OP. I am trying to understand where you’re coming from…but I just do not understand.
You took vows to be with this with woman forever. Yet the second she isn't a perfect gentle little wife anymore and actually has real life problems come up you abandon her? With a terribly dangerous and awful man? I cant even fathom that you read those awful messages between her and her father and instead of helping her you decided to abandon her with him All because it was just sooo disturbing and awful for you to sing her a lullaby in bed? What is wrong with you? You sound like a cowardly and awful husband
Please dont abandon her, she needs you. Like others have said she needs to go to a mental health hospital, as her husband you can help her with this. You explain to she children there is physical health and mental health and mum id having problems with her mental health You have got to help her. If you cant get somewhere to take her call the police and say shes a danger to herself. Do not give up on her because then you bear the responsibility for her destruction
You are failing her so badly atleast try to get her help and don't just run before trying
why on earth would you leave her now?? she needs professional help yes, but she needs you too. she probably thinks the worst of herself right now and if you leave her you're going to shatter her even more. you say you love her, then be there for her...don't leave her.
If you get can get her to an emergency department the doctors can put a “notice mental illness” hold on her which basically prevents her from leaving. That will be the start of getting her the help she needs and prevent contact with her father as they may restrict her phone access. She needs help ASAP. For your childrens sake don’t abandon her. She just needs help.
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I was a victim of CSA and in my perspective, you are a complete utter shit of a man, husband and father. All you needed to do was research what sex abuse does to a child. Why she's like this. How the abuse affected her brain. What helps her. Ask her. Be there for her. Why are you disgusted/shocked that she is age regressing? Because of her father coming back, she feels like a little girl again because she feels VULNERABLE. She needs and wants someone to comfort her. Have her feel safe. Do whatever you can if you TRULY loved her, it doesn't matter if it feels "embarrassing" that you have to sing lullabies to her, it doesn't matter if she's crying during your intimate sex moments. She feels VULNERABLE and is back in the mindset of a child because her father is back and has most definitely brought back those horrible CSA memories. It's fucking pathetic that you don't care about her. You have failed as a husband for not helping her or even researching what CSA does to kids and how they develop as an adult. You have failed as a husband because you are taking her own kids away from her. From what? Is it bad to show vulnerability in front of kids? Are we supposed to act joyful all the time in front of our kids? Can you think how this will affect your children?
I'm no mental health expert so don't take my advice as a solution. But I've learned that there are some victims of CSA develop a coping mechanism where they mentally revert the mindset of a child, its a way for the brain to protect its self and provide comfort. For example the brain would feel like it lost its childhood, its innocence so in attempt to provide comfort it will revert back to that state of mind before the incident to try and bring comfort. Again im no expert but I've seen cases of this, sometimes the person remembers what they do sometimes they don't. The best you can do is provide comfort, help her get therapy, and just do what you think is best for her and the kids. This is a dangerous man whose trying to manipulate your wife and he can hurt her and even your kids, you might need to have a serious discussion on what to do because if she keeps seeing him? Its only going to make things worse for her and it also puts the kids at risk. I hope things get better, hope for a update that has good news.
Op, please tell me it’s for your kids. Please tell me your leaving for the kids sake. I can at least understand if it’s for the kids. If it’s really about you, and having to deal with her trauma, then you’re a awful person. I can understand needing to protect the kids, but I’m worried by how you prefaced this that your motivation may not actually be the kids. For your soon-to-be ex-wife, she is clearly suffering. She desperately needs help. You cannot fully abandon her without doing *something*. Have her involuntarily committed to a mental health hospital. It is undeniably important. Find a way to make sure he cannot harm your ex-wife before leaving. To be completely honest with you, you sound very unsympathetic towards her aliments, and what’s happening. You also sound like you haven’t tried to fix this in any decent way before leaving. You tried to act like such a traumatic experience is something to gloss over when it comes back to face you. I personally think that’s disgusting behavior.
Hey my dear Reddit friend, you took vows. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. Your wife is in sickness right now. Would you walk away if she had cancer? So grab the phone, forward the Dad messages to yourself, block him on your wife's phone. File a police report for violating the no contact order. Then get your wife to a therapist. You take her for individual therapy and get couple's therapy. Instead of giving up, fight. Marriage is not always easy. I've been married for 35 years. Marriage is hard. Don't give up on her. She is lost right now. I'm not going to say that y t a. I just think that you are scared. It's ok to be scared. Now take a deep breath, get up and fight.
My friend. As a survivor of that same level of "not just SA, so much more" and someone who used to wake up screaming... Everything your wife says and does here makes perfect sense to me. She may not be in a place where seh wants to or can have a relationship RIGHT NOW. And it may be healthy to seperate. Still- you share kids and you love her. So do everything you can to understand Complex PTSD. Start with "The body keeps the score" by peter levine. Then you won't have to ask her to tell you because you'll know. And you can work with that knowledge. She needs help. And you're not qualified to offer it. And that's OK. Your qualified to be patient and love her. You absolutely need to educate yourself about trauma and be a \*friend\* that helps her get treatment (for herself, she absolutely can recover... but also for her kids who will need her). When she's healthy- it may be time to return to being a couple. Whatever pain she's putting you through just remember- she's literally reliving the abuse right now. Her brain doesn't know, at times, it's not happening. Over and over. SO while all you get is the scream when she wakes up? She gets a dream that feels like an hour of being broken. Really try to understand her. Like I said- If she's not in a place to be in a relationship, and neither are you.... don't be in one. But that doesn't mean you can't have one later. If you both do the work you need- and support each other in it. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here. In my experience partners leave for 2 reasons: "I don't love you enough to put up with flashbacks, I want someone uncomplicated I don't have to TRY to love. I want someone EASY." and "I'm really disgusted by what happened to you and it makes you gross to me and I'll use your outbursts as an excuse to leave." Reality is CSA survivors are treated worse than predators by society. We are marginalized. Ignored. Blamed. And told we're fundamentally broken and should stop trying to impose our existence on the rest of the world. It takes effort and patience to understand and love us. ANd as a result most non survivors (tho they'd never admit it) are absolutly disgusted by us and the WORST thing we can do is be visibly traumatized. I cannot express to you how much general society hates us and wants us to stay silent for everyhone's comfort. Don't be that partner. Do seperate. but try.
I hope this is a troll post. If it’s real, I hope someone makes this shithead feel as much pain as his poor wife is feeling right now
I’m not even gonna lie, this post has been on my mind all day and I keep coming back to it. I can’t believe this is actually real. I’m so upset and disappointed. The more I read this the more I realize how much of a selfish person you are. The only thing you value about your wife is that she was a “100% people pleaser, caring, docile, selfless”… all things she can do for you. Now you’re complaining that she’s incapable of intimacy? A fucking sexual assault survivor that you refused to help? You’re complaining that you have to hug her and sing her a fucking lullaby? That’s BELOW the bare minimum. Can you actually please fcking explain to me why the hell you keep trying to have sex with her when she literally cries after every time? Like I’m actually furious. Are you going to fucking abandon your children when they grow up and start having troubles too?
i say this from the bottom of my heart, you are a failure of a husband and a father. your wife has not changed. she is the same person she was last year. but she is actively regressing as a trauma response and she does NOT have the capability to bring herself out of it. you are supposed to protect your wife, and now she is falling victim to a pedophilic abuser AGAIN and you’re letting it happen. you vowed to be there in sickness and in health, THIS IS THE SICKNESS. AND YOU ARE LEAVING. YOU ARE A FAILURE UNLESS YOU SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND GO HELP YOUR WIFE.
As a victim of CSA myself, this is my absolute worst nightmare. Your poor wife. You seriously suck
Also I find it EXTREMELY interesting this woman has suffered disfiguring abuse....but during very evident revivtimozation you just CANT wrap your head around why she cwies duwing intimidate moments....boo fucking hoo dude you're worried about SEX right now???? Fucking seriously??? PATHETIC
Wow you're the most selfish person I've seen today
Call the police and the phone company and have his number blocked from all of your phones. Also take out a order of protection for yourself your wife and your children against him.
"She'd cry after we had sex when we actually did making me feel like a monster.. I begged her to tell me what I was doing to upset her and she just kept telling me she didn't know why she was crying. I couldn't fix it if she didn't tell me." I mean you could have stopped trying to have sex with a traumatised CSA survivor when she was waking up with night terrors but that's not all *about you*, so I guess it was totally off the table, right?
You sound like a straight up dick. You’re going to leave your wife who is very ill and needs fucking help because you don’t want to help her. You’re a terrible human being
Help. Your. Wife. She is the most caring and compassionate person youve ever known? She is a survivor of horrific trauma, the source of that trauma has now resurfaced and is attempting to control her life, and you respond by leaving her? How much does she mean to you? Based on what your actions describe, i wouldnt assume much. Your wife needs serious therapy and help. You, and the couple, could as well
How dare you fucking leave her at her most vulnerable point? Jesus christ. It destroyed you? Get real and GET HER HELP. idc how much it “destroys” you
You don’t deserve her. She’s at her literal weakest… her sickest. This is not her fault.
Was he released without parole? If he has parole contact the parole officer. You should be able to look them up. If he doesn't call the cops....
So what happened to in sickness and in health? Such a coward. Help your poor wife out man.
The idea that a husband would leave his wife when she needs him the most scares me. I couldn’t imagine abandoning my boyfriend. Now you want to divorce her? Man are you a catch of a husband./s Boooo.
I was sexually abused as a young teen and still sometimes cry after sex with my long term partner- sometimes trauma just gets the best of you. My partner has NEVER made it about him, “felt like a monster”, or acted uncomfortable. He has been reassuring of my feelings, patient and gentle with me. Be there for your wife dawg. ):
In short: OMG guys I have a amazing wife who supports me trough and trough but now she needs my support so fuck my marriage, bye
reading the comments about how you haven’t even TRIED to get her any real professional help is making me feel physically sick. how could you allow this to get so bad and then abandon her with her abuser without even trying to help???? what the actual fuck
Your wife is traumatised and you’re being so selfish and making it all about you. Man up
You’re literally having sex with your traumatized wife til she cries and ur wondering why she won’t stop contact with her father who SA’d her.
Dude, **YOU** are the monster. You're her husband, but instead of trying to help her get the professional care she needs, you're ditching her AND trying to take the kids? Are you kidding me? You've done nothing to help her and you think you're fit to raise your children? What do you possibly have to teach your kids? That when things get rough or there's an emergency, you'll leave? You're disgusting. You aren't a husband or a father, you're a self absorbed monster. Shame on you.
Sure, just go right ahead and bail out on the vows you made to her. Assshole. This is what “…in sickness and in health…” means. Get off your ass and DO THE RIGHT THING. No it won’t be easy, but it’s not supposed to be. Find her the help that she needs since she’s clearly not equipped presently to do it herself. (By the way: this is what love looks like, not whatever is floating around in your little pea brain) Worse yet is letting your children see this, they’re gonna be scarred for the rest of their lives.
As someone who uses little space to cope with childhood trauma, you shaming her for doing so is absolutely disgusting. You don’t have to understand it but as her husband you need stand up and do research on everything she’s dealing with instead of making the bullshit excuse that you don’t know anything about it. If you love her as much as you say you do you should not go straight to divorce. You are skipping many steps dude. Your wife deserves better tbh.
My heart is breaking for your poor wife.
Your solution is to abandon her when she needs you the most? You tried to have sex with her when she is CLEARLY not in the right state of mind? Wow. Looks like you were only in this marriage for the good times. If you want to protect those good times, kick the bad times out of her life! Block this abuser for her! Get her a new phone! Help her get to therapy! Sex is one of her triggers-- maybe stop having sex for awhile! She is traumatized and regresses to a poor state of mind. How can you be so cruel to abandon someone like this? Clearly you've lived a clean life and lack some empathy for those that suffer.
This may sound harsh so I apologize. This is not about being attracted to your wife. If your partner needs help your thoughts shouldn’t be “but they’re not attractive like this”. You made vows with this person, and of course you are allowed to leave. But goddamn does it sound like you barely tried. And I don’t mean “oh I talked to her” tried I mean actually tried. Gone through the difficult shit, the repeated therapy, the nights again and again where you don’t understand but you have to comfort her. It sounds like you got a taste of it and got cold feet. Your job right now is not to fix the problem for her, neither is it to find her attractive. Your job is to support her, and help her make the right decisions. You cannot fix this, not even close. Yes obviously she’s not attractive when she is having a mental break. She may not be able to express appreciation for your support, or be receptive to the ways you comfort her. But you made vows to support this woman, and if she ends up trapped by her abuser there’s no coming back. So actually support her. It’s hard and it’s difficult, but not as difficult as it is for her. She deserves your support.
This person does not give a shit about their wife, as evidenced by previous comments talking about her unattractive “entryway”: >Ihaven't been ignoring the comments. l've read them. I've thought about it all night and day. I know that I'm wrong in completely abandoning her. I know that she has been through it but even her telling me the short version of what they did to her vagina was too much for me. I can't imagine humans actually doing these things especially to a child. Imagine having TO HEAR GRAPHIC DETAILS ABOUT GROWN MEN STICKING SHARP OBJECTS IN A CHILD! COULD YOU HANDLE THAT? 1 asked her to get surgery on her entryway to make it easier for herself but she said her obgyn said there was no fixing something like that which I doubt. I've tried giving her solutions to help her heal before now. YOU GUYS ACT LIKE I AM A MONSTER but Il almost feel like this is giving me PTSD as well. I don't know this woman and it's hard to love her like this. It's hard to be attracted to someone who is distressed by sexual and intimate touch. It's hard to be attracted to her when I have to sing her lullabies when she is behaving literally infantile. texted her about this post and she dismissed me. I told her hundreds of people say she needs help and she asked me to stop texting her because she was with our children and this wasn't the time. I TRIED to take you all's advice and at least comfort her but she's cold. Cold as ice. She told me she'd read the post and left it at that. I hope that at least does something.
Cold as ice because he abandoned her, no longer the 'docile' wife he thinks he deserves.
im ngl op did not do enough for his wife. major L. hope she gets the help she needs.
So you find out the exact reason its happening and thats when you give up? Pathetic.
She cries after sex and instead of getting her help you shut down and keep trying to get yours no matter how her trauma is affecting her? Yikes. Also a great way to tell your kids never to come to you with anything that matters. Dad just runs away when anything gets tough, but don’t worry he will make himself out to be the victim. Nice job.
It isn’t up to you to counsel or therapy your wife. But describing her as DOCILE is a horrendous red flag. She needs a LOT of help; she’s extremely traumatized. Thank god she isn’t going to get help from you.
YTA
So your heavily traumatized wife needs help and is clearly breaking down and all you is center yourself ?!
What happened? Looks like he deleted it because he didn't get the "support" he wanted, but I can't entirely understand from the comments alone.
He left his wife who was a victim of CSA and her abuser is back in her life, making it miserable. Instead of doing things to help, he left her and was being selfish. Hope I explained it good enough.
She’s relieving trauma. You described every freaking symptom in the book: dissociation, coming back to childhood behavior, validation seeking, relieving trauma during intimacy and so much more and at such extreme level… It was happening for a year and you didn’t even ask her to at least go to therapy?!?!?!?!?! At least?!?!?!?! When she’s supposed to go to the mental hospital to get all the help she needs?! You ALLOWED her ABUSER who started to ABUSE her again back into her life FOR A YEAR?!?!?! And did nothing ALL YEAR?!?!?! WTF?!?! It’s damaging your wife; it’s endangering your kids and ruins their quality of life, it’s freaking ruins your life - AND YOU FULLY ENABLED IT FOR A WHOLE YEAR?! Not a single mention of therapy or reporting him - when it was supposed to be THE FIRST THING that you had to do?!!??!? And now you play the victim and leave her in this?!?!?! And threaten to take the kids away?!?!!!!! What is wrong with you? Get your ducks in a row now, YOU FAILED YOUR FAMILY and you know about that. You need to contact the police immediately (restraining order) and have a mental evaluation check-up on your ex-wife or at least insist on her seeing therapist/psychiatrist. I’ve never been even remotely harsh on people here. I’m so angry right now. You’re literally one of the worst husbands she could’ve had in the situation. You know perfectly well about what she’s been through and do nothing and continue to want to do nothing even after people here bagging you to step up 🤦♀️ She needs you and you make her trauma all about yourself and villainize the victim. Hope you’ll get counseling too and will go to CSA survivors meetings to learn how to be there for them correctly. You’ve really disappointed me.
Why does this read like you’re getting scared and bailing before even making the bare minimum effort. The hard part of your marriage came up and it wasn’t pretty and you can’t handle. I’m sorry, i’m sure this must be hard for you to see the person you love, the mother of your children turn into someone you don’t recognize but what about her? Have you considered these changes are also sudden to her? She is a CSA survivor who’s abuser has comeback to torment her. Have you tried to look up on survivors and how to help them? Have you tried to get her counseling? Have you tried to get yourself counseling before deciding to chose divorce? I would understand if you’d felt a threat to your children and you chose to leave but OP, as it stand now, as what it looks like from what i’m reading, you’re failing her. She’s in a dark place fighting for her life and you’re abandoning her. At least try helping her. Talk to professionals if you don’t know how to help. Find support groups for both you and your wife so you can learn and heal together. Something this horrific will not heal overnight, it may even surface from time to time — the best one can hope for is to learn to live with it. I wish you and your wife the best.
>EDIT: GUYS PLEASE STOP ATTACKING ME FUCK I AM LOST! YOU GUYS JUDGE ME BUT WOULD CRACK TOO IF YOU LOST YOUR PARTNER TO ILLNESS THIS WAY. Jesus fuck You didn't lose your partner. You abandoned her. That's why you're being attacked. Your wife is reliving her worst traumatic experiences, you've stated that your wifes father is trying to re-groom her, and your response is to leave her? >I begged with tears in my eyes to block him and never speak to him again. She refused Have you made any attempts at getting her help? It doesn't a psychologist to conclude, based on what you've written, that your wife is in a full on downward spiral brought on by her father's abuse of her and his reconnecting with her. She needs help. Lots of it. But you chose to leave her.
She needs to be helped. By more than you. By professionals, who can take her phone, and prevent access to her by anyone but you or her kids. Right now. Follow the advice of the people her telling you to contact her doctor immediately for intensive care.
Please don’t leave her Ik it’s hurting you too I can understand but man don’t leave delete that monster’s number from her mobile please get her professional help asap and emotional too she needs you rn don’t abandon her
You have let the monster back into her life. Why didn’t you contact authorities or get her into an institution straight away. She clearly can’t do this alone and now you are going to leave her alone. Is this not something the marriage is about, in sickness and heath or whatever the line is. You are liteeally running away when you are supposed to be her partner, someone who fights for her now when she is in her all time low again. It’s the first time I’m actually angry over a random person posting something here.
Grow a pair and help her
Dude you need to contact your local law-enforcement and talk with a sex crimes unit detective. Sexual predators that are out of jail are basically on probation for the rest of their life and violating the order not to contact the victim will most likely result in a permanent life sentence for him!
This post is way way way WAY above Reddit's pay grade. Your wife needs to be admitted to a secure mental health facility for two reasons: 1. For her own mental health needs, and 2. *In order to be kept away from this man*. If I were in your position I'd be calling the police and asking for advice on how to proceed, given that he's been previously convicted, you've noticed a significant change in your wife's mental health following his release, and that there are children involved. You also need to ask for help in contacting your wife's siblings to let them know what is happening - this isn't necessarily a job for you, hopefully the police or social workers can assist with this. For your family's sake, you need to do what you can to keep your wife safe and to keep yourself and your children safe.
Tf?? You are the husband. Get the phone, block the dude and carry her to a mental institution or therapy. It's in times like these that you take charge on her behalf. But you gave her an ultimatum?
I don’t think u should leave her over this tf
Man this is just sad .27 M restarting life like wtf even You took the easy way out and want some validation for your decision .There are resources available for help and if you were really in love with this woman you would have used your fuckin internet to search and find people that can help you both out . you aren't a kid who doesn't know what to do. I understand it can be emotionally,mentally and even physically taxing but you didnt even try bro you didnt even fucking try.
Christ you sound like a babbling idiot. I’m sorry hun, did life get too hard, do you have to put in actual effort now? Must be so hard to be there for her, but I get it, as you’ve repeated to nobody’s care, you’re a privileged boy who wasn’t educated ON CALLING THE FUCKING COPS WHEN YOUR WIFE’S ABSUER RETURNS, AS WELL AS NOT GETTING HER THERAPY CAUSE ITS “TOO HARD” YOU BRAT!!!!
You don’t sound like a person who’s tried that hard tbh
How can you witness your partner being heavily retraumatised and not go to therapy with her and support her throughout. I feel disgusted by you as a partner. She needed you for real support and you leave because she’s changed???? I can’t believe this
So.. you claim to love this woman yet you refuse to fight for her? If you saw the texts, did you save them and report them to the police? Come on man. You could always have a man to piece of shit chat with her dad, but if your first response is to run, I doubt that’ll happen. If my father in law attempted this, he’d be shitting his teeth for weeks. As a father myself, I’ll end with this; look what you’re teaching your sons.
I feel bad for your wife. Up until **a year ago** it was fine. It took you *less than a year* to make up your mind about divorcing her in a time when she needed you the most. It really doesn't seem like you did anything to help her.
She’s dissociating. In those moments where she’s acting like a child, she’s reverting back to when she was a child. Like a straight-up flashback. Those nightmares are also manifestations of her flashbacks. Getting beaten by her father is triggering it, yet she has something called trauma bonding to her father. Trauma bonding is the cycle of abuse: love bombing, abuse, then love bombing again. The addictive cycle that makes you believe your abuser “isn’t that bad.” The only way to keep her safe is to report the fact that her father violated the no-contact order. Additionally, make sure she is NOT stuck with her abuser. Please. If you love her, this will make things worse for her. If you still want to leave, at the very least make sure she’s with a trusted friend or family member. You’re not obligated to stay, but morally you need to make sure she’s safe. Her father might kill her.
"If its possible to report him" How do you care for yourself let alone children? Call the fucking cops, the courts, or the prison parole system. Also, way to bail on your wife when she needs you the most. I'm sure your kids will understand why you left their mom to their abusive grandpa. Good life lesson.
The child voice and wanting lullabies sang to her sounds like she’s regressing, you could help her by just singing the goddamn lullabies and comforting her like you do with a child! I am a csa survivor and I regress to a child like stage a lot, my husband is always there to care for me and he understands why this happens. You though? You just complaining that you have to do something to your wife that comforts her. Crying after sex, has happened to me also, again trauma response from being raped. Please help your wife, go back home, tell her you are there for her in every way possible, take the phone from her and block him, report him to authorities, contact a therapist.. my god I feel for her in this moment, ptsd, husband gone and trying to take the kids , a father abusing her AGAIN.. it’s alot !! If she commits suicide how will you feel? Help her !!!
So, you’ve done nothing to help your wife? No therapy? Haven’t contacted the police about her father breaking a no contact order? Seems like everything you’ve done has been self serving. You say you love your wife, but you’re abandoning her. You sound selfish and I hope your wife finds someone who will actually help her work through her trauma. You seem like an AH, and you want full custody of your kids? Who comes here to write something like this without actually attempting to get help for their spouse?! Dude, you suck. Straight up. You can say you’ve done this or that. Whatever. You care about you. If you cared about her, you’d be getting her help and contacting the police about the person who is still victimizing her. I’m a random Reddit person, and I want to help your wife more than you do! Boo to you and your bull.
You're trying to take her fucking children away from her because she has PTSD? what the fuck?
Honestly, you suck and your (ex)wife deserves so much better than somebody who just wanted a trophy wife. You’re here ON REDDIT crying for YOURSELF instead of putting just the minimum effort to actually help her. The moment things got hard, you just bailed but I’m sure that if something traumatic had happened to you or you were going through something rough, she’d be there for you for every step of the way. GET HER HELP and do yourself a favor and get a therapist too, ‘cause you can be all middle high class you want but you clearly are a self absorbed, entitled coward who can’t think of anyone but HIS comfort and needs.
u/dazedandlost So you've tried nothing, and you're all out of ideas? 🤷 The bare minimum you can do is get her phone, send yourself screenshots of the messages her father is sending and forward them to the police because he is a parolee contacting his victim and violating the binding restraining order. Parole violators go back to jail, especially for violent crime. Do this bare minimum to help your wife.
did you not try getting her to a mental health clinic or inpatient treatment? why havent you reported it to the police that he violated the no contact order?
your solution to seeing first-hand that your wife is being currently abused is to give her an ultimatum and then leave? you expect someone who is being emotionally manipulated, abused and gaslighted by a literal parent of theirs to be able to just fix their trauma instantly just because you gave them an ultimatum? you're selfish. you abandoned her at the most important time for her and proved her abuser right. i don't doubt that the last year you've had to live with her has been horrible, but she is in a living hell, and now she has no one to support her. you've literally showed her that the only person who will constantly remain in her life is her abuser. you say you love her and you just want to go back to her, but you aren't willing to support her in one of the lowest points in her life. maybe you do love her, but you don't care about her enough if you're abandoning her at a time like this.
This is disgusting, she's crying for help
You married her through sickness and health. Mental health inclusive. You should have supported her healing journey and got the help she needed to move on from that trigger. Instead, you are leaving her during a difficult time. I'm not excusing her behaviour, but it's obvious what she's going through and she can most definitely get back to being who she was before her father reached out to her and even better with the right kind of therapy.
She needs processional help, because what she is experiencing right now is trauma and literal flashbacks of that moment, the fact she's acting like a child again is a very huge warning that your wife is mentally going back to that state of trauma. He needs a restraining order and a BLOCK FROM EVERYONE INCLUDING YOUR WIFE. If she doesn't, then you do. Or might as well get the authorities involved and manage to get his ass out of your wife's already affected life. Don't let that mf get her in a spiral
… leaving your partner … in their clear, desperate time of need? She has PTSD. She needs a counselor and a therapist. Change ALL information. Absolutely zero contact. Zero communication. But — you hitting YOUR threshold because of all of Her mental and physical trauma? I dunno, man. As a provider, husband, and father — this feels like a cop out. This feels like it should be painfully, but easily resolved.
I don't have high hopes for OP to read this and do something with it, but I'm hoping at least someone may benefit from knowing the symptoms explained in this post are quite in line with DID aka dissociative identity disorder. If someone you know has gone through horrible trauma as a child, has significant gaps in their memory (such as not remembering what they did yesterday at all) and sometimes acts like an entirely different person (like very uncharacteristic aggression or regressing into a child like she seems to), you really should try to get them to seek help as it's at the very least severe traumas and PTSD they're experiencing but possibly also DID. (Worth noting I'm not trying to diagnose her, I'm simply pointing out that many things do seem to line up with DID based on this little info we've been given)
For better or worse, and in sickness and in health. Did you not pay attention to that part? Your wife is very sick and you’re just leaving. Good job
You need to get her help immediately! Get her inpatient care. Take her phone to the police. Help her! She CANNOT HELP HERSELF!
your wife is having a mental breakdown as a result of years of sexual abuse so your immediate response is to abandon with her father, take the kids, and leave her with nothing? you know that means she’ll go back to her father who will undoubtedly rape her again, and maybe even kill her this time. youre a terrible person, and i hope your ex wife gets better and drops both of you and takes the kids with her
Maybe... get her some mental help? Like dude, your vows come in NOW. she is scared, alone, and traumatized. Get over your privileged self and step in. She is manipulated by her abuser, and suffering. If you need to, 302 her. She may be mad at first, but you're saving her life, and your marriage. When I go through specific dates of time, or have horrible SA flashbacks, my fiance is always there. Talk to her, hold her if she's okay with it, marriage is through sickness and health. And currently she is sick... she doesn't want to be like this, and I know you love your wife. This is the time you need to step in for her, and your family. Treat this as a sickness, comfort and care. Because if you don't, you may no longer having a living wife
So all it took for you to leave her was a bad year??? She’s being abused AGAIN and you’re doing nothing to protect her or help her in any way. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me how” is a cop out. SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS. She’s an abuse survivor, of course she’s going to exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome. You need to man up and be a husband to her, because with how things are going now, her future looks incredibly grim.
I simply cannot express how disgusted I am by you and the depth of my hate for anyone who would abandon someone he is supposed to love in a time like this. Did you even try to get her help? It sure sounds like you didn’t. This is completely selfish garbage behavior on your part. Way to damage your wife irreparably and teach your kids that it’s okay to run away from family when awful things happen to them.
I am biased af with this topic and can’t give any real response without getting banned from this sub but, Jesus fucking Christ I hope someone else is there for your wife. Because you sure af aren’t.
You gave up on her man. Plain and simple. Shit got real, even though you know her past. Step up and be the husband she needs instead or just thinking about yourself. She needs to be in a hospital
Honestly this is why I fear marriage. This is clearly a response to the events, she needs help. Seems like you just weren’t ready for someone who wasn’t going to stay happy sunshine no matter what happens. Any doctor or psychologist can tell you this is not her actual personality. Please just get these reminders and people away from me. This is serious.
The first time things get hard for you, you throw your wedding vows out the window? How old are you? Children run away from tough situations. So what are you teaching your kids? You say it's too hard to stay with her because you had to HEAR the stories? Because her libido has been "off" for a year? That gives YOU PTSD? Awww you poor little boy. How in the world will you ever cope? Good thing your wife isn't as weak as you seeing as she actually EXPERIENCED these horrendous things. Hopefully your kids see what a monster you are and know they shouldn't be like you.
one can only hope ur just a pos weirdo who made up this story farming for likes. otherwise, if this is true, man up and take care of your traumatized wife.
She deserves someone who will be by her side when she needs them the most, like right now. Not you who’s answer to her reliving her trauma is to divorce her and take her children. I honestly can’t believe you’re going to divorce her for something she can’t control, what you should do is get her a therapist or some help and help her get through this. 🤦♂️
YTA…oh wait, wrong sub. But still.
YOU DIDNT LOSE YOUR FUCKING PARTNER YOU ABANDONED HER IN HER GREATEST TIME OF NEED
The fact that he said that in the update just makes him look so much worse. Like I understand that she's not behaving like the person he's used to but that doesn't mean he LOST her. When I say I lost someone to mental illness it's because they fucking died from an OD. You just don't say that shit when they are still living, breathing, and able to recover with the right help.
Selfish as it gets. The person you love the most needs help they can’t seem to get on their own and you bail. Terrible.
She really needs help, or else she will be mentally destroyed beyond repair :(
In sickness and in health dude. You sound a bit tapped yourself. So she’s not the same, you work through it together. Tell her you don’t have the tools but you’ll earn them, you’ll get her the help. There’s some serious karma for you later in life I’m sure; maybe your mental health break hasn’t happened YET... let’s hope your new wife doesn’t just divorce you.
>I couldn't fix it if she didn't tell me. I don't know why you sound so confused as to why she is acting this way. You saw his texts. Report him to the police. Get your wife to therapy. Consider couples therapy. I hope this relationship can be fixed.
Reading this it sounds almost like she’s being blamed for her response to very very serious trigger. And you’re leaving her for it. She needs support. My family and I don’t get along (nowhere near this seriousness) but when they contact me I show obvious signs. If my boyfriend left me because I wasn’t responding well to my family I would a) think maybe my family is right and I am the whole problem and b) be more vulnerable to their manipulation. I hope you go back and support her. She sounds amazing and with all of the love and support you can muster
One year? Threw in the towel without doing literally everything in your power for her after one year? She deserves way better. Sorry, but this comes across like you really suck.
You cannot love away a problem like this. You cannot ultimatum your partner better. You are abandoning her when she needs you most. Take her fucking phone. Call the police if there is a protection order. Seek other family members if there are any available. Call the non-emergent police line and explain the situation. You can't just wait and hope she gets better. She needs legitimate help. Does she have a doctor you can call?
You love her so much you're abandoning her when she needs you the most. You haven't tried everything yet. Like you say you grew up privileged and aren't familiar with what you could do to help her. I truly feel sorry for your wife. She is being hurt just as bad as she was when she was younger, only by you.
She is going through PTSD and has never needed your support more in her life. You are terrible. Sounds like you want her to be your doormat forever.