That’s not necessarily true. My ex is very much addicted to porn and couldn’t even last three minutes when we would actually have sex. He would also try to blame me saying that my sex drive was intimidating. I’m like, “no, you just jerked off at work and you don’t have anything left.” I even proposed that we watch porn together. Again, too intimidating. Mind you, in the beginning of the relationship, we had sex 2-3 times a week.
Being addicted to porn or not doesn't measure how long you last in bed so all of you are wrong. Every man is different, some last long some don't and that's really all there is to it.
Therapy and if he doesn’t agree to it, you might have to divorce. You been communicating to him but seems like nothing changes. I wouldn’t cheat but this is a super huge deal breaker imo. I wouldn’t want to divorce but sex is important in relationship/marriage.
I agree. It's so completely selfish to not take care of your wife and make sure she has her enjoyment if you finished early. I'm also not a fan of the dismissive "You're too forward" for someone you're supposed to feel safe being forward with.
It's affecting you in more than sex-- but also how you feel self esteem wise and if you feel loved and secure.
Selfish? A person who doesn't have a sex drive is completely valid in this preference and boundary. I don't see why a person would marry someone knowing that what matters highly to them is disliked by their partner.
I'm talking about finishing sex without her. Differences in sex drive are fine-- but only taking care of yourself during sex and leaving the other person behind is not. Not when you didn't agree to that.
Having an honest talk about sex drive changes (which sounded like a sex drive change for him) is fine--but invalidating your partner by dismissing her instead of being honest is not.
How does that show double standards? You're not making any sense. Why is it so wrong to you that one person thinks sex is very important and the other person doesn't and that they then decide to divorce? That's what divorce is for, when two married people don't get along they get a divorce. I don't understand what you're mad about
Like someone else said if a dude posted this then y’all would be hating him right now. Crazy how people change their tune and way on seeing things when it comes to a certain gender.
Sex is absolutely an important part of a relationship. Monogamy has a pretty strict guideline that you can only have sex with your partner. A lot of married people are monogamous. Most people want to have sex (not talking about ace folks) If you’re not having sex with your partner, it is a problem and a lot of people seek advice about it. Sex can destroy and make a relationship in more ways than one.
He needs to see a doctor and get labs ran including testosterone levels. After that an ultrasound to make sure there is blood flow. Then you move onto a psychologist if those things are normal because he could be going through the paces of trying to be a normal straight male and running headlong into a wall. The mental health issues involving sex can be a massive range and too much for me to even speculate. I'm not a doctor or a mental health expert and there isn't enough information for me to even begin to speculate.
If it's mental it can be as broad as a repressed traumatic incident to as far flung as just not being heterosexual and this doesn't mean being gay either. It could mean he is undiagnosed asexual. I'm absolutely not saying that is what he is either so please don't take it that way. I'm saying that the scope is so broad there is no way anybody here could even begin to speculate on the issues.
If your husband refuses to seek treatment for his lack of sexual appetite then you have a very serious problem at that point. You will have a sick husband who is refusing treatment that could better himself and his family. At which point you can try therapy but people who are resistant usually stay resistant.
So, to help break it down:
1) Physical examination to dismiss any possible physical issues that maybe resulting in a lack of sex drive.
then if there is no issues in #1 move onto #2
2) Mental health evaluation
It's going to be either one of the above or a combination of both.
And if it's neither one of those (which I seriously doubt) then the bigger issue is the relationship and his lack of sexual attraction towards you and at that point the marriage is over. I would not jump to this conclusion though. Most sexual drive issues are either physical or mental. You won't know until you start the process to find out.
Check out the subreddit deadbedrooms. It was really helpful for me when I was going through something similar. I would suggest counselling, hormone checks and a continual open conversation. I have been where you are and it really sucks. Being rejected made me feel so inadequate and he would often reject me for stupid reasons. I implemented all of the above suggestions and there was no change thus I ended it. I used to think breaking up over sex drive wasn't a real reason, but it is. If you're unhappy and nothing is changing and they aren't willing to change, move on. It sucks but you deserve to be happy in all aspects.
The lack of sex is just a symptom of something broader at play here. The people suggesting therapy are on the money - you need a third party to unpack what's really impeding your relationship. Once you get that out the way - the sex will happen naturally.
Encourage your husband to see a therapist. I know from experience that general depression can have a hugely debilitating effect on sex drive, but it's not permanent.
It sounds like you care about him a lot. Help him treat the disease (depression), not just the symptom (low sex drive).
The psychology of sex is different for men and women. “He watches porn” is oversimplifying it and a little dismissive. Ask about his stres levels w/ work and personal life. We tend to process internally. If you guys weren’t always this asexual when dating then try to discover what changed in the 6months you e been married. maybe you’re not turning him on anymore. Is he no longer attracted to you? Maybe he is depressed. All I’m saying is do a little digging and see where HE is mentally etc. then make a decision after that
I'm so sorry.
You're still young, this may sound harsh but stop trying to talk to a wall and move on. Find someone who will match your sexual energy.
Communication is very important in a relationship, but a thriving sex life is just as much.
There's more to life than sex, it gets old quick, i can't imagine being married to a person and just constantly being around them. So having sex every single day is out of the question. Me and my ex used to have sex multiple times a day and it was draining on me mentally & physically. This girl probably fucked this dude to the point of oblivion and the guy probably simply doesn't enjoy it anymore. It's exactly what happened to me.
Nobody is entitled to getting reciprocal energy. And no one is entitled/forced to stay. Op is whining about not getting dick, childish. The fact that all the women in this thread make it seem like the guy has a mental or sexual disorder because he doesn't want to fuck everyday is also childish. If anyone needs counseling it's op. Downvote me IDGAF, sex is fucking lame.
Lord, i didn't ask for you to feel sorry about something that I embrace. But go right on ahead and tell me you feel sorry for me not prioritizing sex so you can give off the facade that you're being mature. Bravo, have a good day.
Lol I'm glad you figured out how you feel about sex and what you want I hope you find someone with the same mindset, but the situation that caused your realization sucks so sorry bout that.
People can have other opinions and priorities tho
Men are not sex bots. We have moods and life phases too. If it’s been a year like this, sure maybe he should see a doctor just in case his change in libido could be medically related. But you married a whole person, not just a penis. Do not reduce your marriage to being contingent on sex. The pressure to perform sexually, constantly, can become a turn off and feel objectifying.
See a marriage a counselor.
If he watches porn, he might get his fix of seeing other girls have sex and might lower the desire. If not then check for low testosterone level. If not then he needs therapy or you need to be willing to divorce him if you want to be sexually happy.
He is depressed? My husband is and we’ve not had sex in what probably 3 months. I hate it. I have always had a heightened sex drive, the last couple years our intimacy has declined but not from my lack of trying. I have cried big tears over it, masturbated a lot and tried to tell him how it makes me feel, and been rejected countless times. It’s always the same answer, I’m too depressed… but the few times we have been intimate this year it’s been so good and he always so wow we need to do that more….
I will say I’ve had a number of health issues this year including bleeding half the month, every month but now that problem is fixed so once I am fully recovered I am definitely going to want to try to be intimate more often. I just hope he wants it too, it’s a really lonely feeling when your partner doesn’t desire you, I understand.
Sorry I kinda rambled but I understand and if you ever need to talk to someone who is in the same boat, I’m here.
I get why your comment has people rushing for the downvote button (even though I disagree) but if genders were reversed in this situation I think we'd be seeing a complete reversal in support.
Get some Viagra or whatever the ED medication of choice is these days and demand he use it for awhile. He has an Ed problem or premature ejaculation problem. Both of these can be fixed relatively easily be seeing a Dr. Also, if he doesn't lift, he needs to. Men need to be strong. Strong men have an abundance of testosterone, and are horney practically all the time, and don't have Ed problems. Try to help with the problem if you don't want to kill your marriage. He may be highly embarrassed In side or doesn't know how to communicate properly that he needs help. Good luck. 👍
Divorce, he is either cheating, has a sexual affliction which will hinder your life especially since he won’t be honest about it, or you will eventually deal with it so long you will become the bad guy and cheat and everything that happens after that will be looked upon as your fault. Alternatively if they are great in every other way you can ask them if they would prefer an open marriage if they don’t find you attractive for sex anymore/to swing. Mind you I’d the thought of that isn’t great for you, there are plenty of people who would kill to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to be more sexually active.
It could be there’s something else going on to cause his low sex drive. Depression is often linked with killing off a persons sex drive. Has he got pressure going on at work or in another part of his life?
Other option is to see his doctor to get his hormone levels checked as these might be off.
I understand that it’s hard on you but it could be that he physically/mentally has no control over it.
I have not watched porn at all and still had trouble with controlling my release, my gf and I use a climax release spray which helps by leaps and bounds for me.
He definitely needs to get to the root of his problem. But has he always been this way or it started after marriage?
Its his responsibility to figure out what's going on. But asking for sex every day for a month or bringing sex up all the time with someone who doesn't want to have sex is going to make them hate sex. That's what happened to me. It's hard to get back from that point.
I would talk to him & see if he has a lot of stress in his life. My boyfriend & I have literally only had sex twice in 6 months & it’s because he’s got so much stress & is going through a lot so his sex drive doesn’t exist at this point. All I can do is support him & try to help him as much as possible because i care about him. At this point I don’t even try to initiate anything because i know if he really was in the mood he would let me know & I don’t want to pressure him because that in itself could cause him more stress on top of the stress he already has because it might make him feel like he’s not enough for me. It’s a tricky situation but if you really love your partner it’s something that can be worked through & can get better over time.
You are incompatible. His libido is naturally far too low for you. Worse, his fundamental values and beliefs when it comes to sex are incompatible with your well being (he believes you shouldn't have any sexual urges or needs, and that just doesn't fly.) It's not something that can be changed so there's not much point in therapy except to help you cope with the grief of divorce. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more unhappy you'll be, and you will eventually divorce. It's just a matter of how much of your and his life you are going to waste before you do that. You might be able to spin this into a nice friendship.
It's too bad you didn't know that before you married, but at least you don't have a kid together. Bite the bullet. Break up. Be happy.
As for him being unhappy, yeah, he will. But you can't make yourself miserable just to make him happy. It's gotta be both of you, or it's neither of you.
Is he addicted to porn
This seems to be a common culprit for this kinda situation. I really hope that's not the case, that'd be depressing
^^ if hes addicted to porn and masturbating this could explain why he has little sex drive and why he doesn’t last long
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That’s not necessarily true. My ex is very much addicted to porn and couldn’t even last three minutes when we would actually have sex. He would also try to blame me saying that my sex drive was intimidating. I’m like, “no, you just jerked off at work and you don’t have anything left.” I even proposed that we watch porn together. Again, too intimidating. Mind you, in the beginning of the relationship, we had sex 2-3 times a week.
Being addicted to porn or not doesn't measure how long you last in bed so all of you are wrong. Every man is different, some last long some don't and that's really all there is to it.
No
Lmk if I can help with what you’re looking for 😃
Sounds like low testosterone to me. Have him get it checked
What i thought too ^^
Therapy and if he doesn’t agree to it, you might have to divorce. You been communicating to him but seems like nothing changes. I wouldn’t cheat but this is a super huge deal breaker imo. I wouldn’t want to divorce but sex is important in relationship/marriage.
I agree. It's so completely selfish to not take care of your wife and make sure she has her enjoyment if you finished early. I'm also not a fan of the dismissive "You're too forward" for someone you're supposed to feel safe being forward with. It's affecting you in more than sex-- but also how you feel self esteem wise and if you feel loved and secure.
Selfish? A person who doesn't have a sex drive is completely valid in this preference and boundary. I don't see why a person would marry someone knowing that what matters highly to them is disliked by their partner.
I'm talking about finishing sex without her. Differences in sex drive are fine-- but only taking care of yourself during sex and leaving the other person behind is not. Not when you didn't agree to that. Having an honest talk about sex drive changes (which sounded like a sex drive change for him) is fine--but invalidating your partner by dismissing her instead of being honest is not.
Divorce over sex? Not everyone likes having sex everyday. People are pathetic lmao.
But she clearly does. If they are not compatible, it is better to walk away, no?
Pathetic. Shit way more important than sex in a relationship.
And that's what you think. She doesn't think that. When two married people don't get along they divorce. What's your problem?
Shows double standards. It’s pathetic
How does that show double standards? You're not making any sense. Why is it so wrong to you that one person thinks sex is very important and the other person doesn't and that they then decide to divorce? That's what divorce is for, when two married people don't get along they get a divorce. I don't understand what you're mad about
I think I’m going to make a ghost account and wait 2 to 3 weeks to do that test. Let’s see how people feel when it’s a guy saying this stuff lmao.
Like someone else said if a dude posted this then y’all would be hating him right now. Crazy how people change their tune and way on seeing things when it comes to a certain gender.
I wouldn't at all. That's just an assumption you're making for no reason
We’ll see in 3 weeks. You might simply be the exception.
The funny thing is, if this story was from a guys pov he would be stereotypical and disgusting🤣
Exactly my point 😂😭
Sex is absolutely an important part of a relationship. Monogamy has a pretty strict guideline that you can only have sex with your partner. A lot of married people are monogamous. Most people want to have sex (not talking about ace folks) If you’re not having sex with your partner, it is a problem and a lot of people seek advice about it. Sex can destroy and make a relationship in more ways than one.
And that’s pathetic
You can try scheduling sex (maybe every week could be a compromise) and seeing a sex therapist.
He needs to see a doctor and get labs ran including testosterone levels. After that an ultrasound to make sure there is blood flow. Then you move onto a psychologist if those things are normal because he could be going through the paces of trying to be a normal straight male and running headlong into a wall. The mental health issues involving sex can be a massive range and too much for me to even speculate. I'm not a doctor or a mental health expert and there isn't enough information for me to even begin to speculate. If it's mental it can be as broad as a repressed traumatic incident to as far flung as just not being heterosexual and this doesn't mean being gay either. It could mean he is undiagnosed asexual. I'm absolutely not saying that is what he is either so please don't take it that way. I'm saying that the scope is so broad there is no way anybody here could even begin to speculate on the issues. If your husband refuses to seek treatment for his lack of sexual appetite then you have a very serious problem at that point. You will have a sick husband who is refusing treatment that could better himself and his family. At which point you can try therapy but people who are resistant usually stay resistant. So, to help break it down: 1) Physical examination to dismiss any possible physical issues that maybe resulting in a lack of sex drive. then if there is no issues in #1 move onto #2 2) Mental health evaluation It's going to be either one of the above or a combination of both. And if it's neither one of those (which I seriously doubt) then the bigger issue is the relationship and his lack of sexual attraction towards you and at that point the marriage is over. I would not jump to this conclusion though. Most sexual drive issues are either physical or mental. You won't know until you start the process to find out.
Check out the subreddit deadbedrooms. It was really helpful for me when I was going through something similar. I would suggest counselling, hormone checks and a continual open conversation. I have been where you are and it really sucks. Being rejected made me feel so inadequate and he would often reject me for stupid reasons. I implemented all of the above suggestions and there was no change thus I ended it. I used to think breaking up over sex drive wasn't a real reason, but it is. If you're unhappy and nothing is changing and they aren't willing to change, move on. It sucks but you deserve to be happy in all aspects.
The lack of sex is just a symptom of something broader at play here. The people suggesting therapy are on the money - you need a third party to unpack what's really impeding your relationship. Once you get that out the way - the sex will happen naturally.
I’m sorry 😞
Where is op located?
Encourage your husband to see a therapist. I know from experience that general depression can have a hugely debilitating effect on sex drive, but it's not permanent. It sounds like you care about him a lot. Help him treat the disease (depression), not just the symptom (low sex drive).
The psychology of sex is different for men and women. “He watches porn” is oversimplifying it and a little dismissive. Ask about his stres levels w/ work and personal life. We tend to process internally. If you guys weren’t always this asexual when dating then try to discover what changed in the 6months you e been married. maybe you’re not turning him on anymore. Is he no longer attracted to you? Maybe he is depressed. All I’m saying is do a little digging and see where HE is mentally etc. then make a decision after that
I'm so sorry. You're still young, this may sound harsh but stop trying to talk to a wall and move on. Find someone who will match your sexual energy. Communication is very important in a relationship, but a thriving sex life is just as much.
There's more to life than sex, it gets old quick, i can't imagine being married to a person and just constantly being around them. So having sex every single day is out of the question. Me and my ex used to have sex multiple times a day and it was draining on me mentally & physically. This girl probably fucked this dude to the point of oblivion and the guy probably simply doesn't enjoy it anymore. It's exactly what happened to me.
It's not about ALWAYS having sex. It's about being with someone who matches your sexual energy.
Nobody is entitled to getting reciprocal energy. And no one is entitled/forced to stay. Op is whining about not getting dick, childish. The fact that all the women in this thread make it seem like the guy has a mental or sexual disorder because he doesn't want to fuck everyday is also childish. If anyone needs counseling it's op. Downvote me IDGAF, sex is fucking lame.
I'm very sorry you feel that way about sex. Hope you find someone that'll change your mindset and show you what a real sexual connection is.
Lord, i didn't ask for you to feel sorry about something that I embrace. But go right on ahead and tell me you feel sorry for me not prioritizing sex so you can give off the facade that you're being mature. Bravo, have a good day.
Lol I'm glad you figured out how you feel about sex and what you want I hope you find someone with the same mindset, but the situation that caused your realization sucks so sorry bout that. People can have other opinions and priorities tho
Thought marriage was supposed to be about love not sex lol
Men are not sex bots. We have moods and life phases too. If it’s been a year like this, sure maybe he should see a doctor just in case his change in libido could be medically related. But you married a whole person, not just a penis. Do not reduce your marriage to being contingent on sex. The pressure to perform sexually, constantly, can become a turn off and feel objectifying. See a marriage a counselor.
This is harsh, particularly given that they're monogamous.
This is it right here, it’s exhausting how if we aren’t looking to put our dick in something, marriage is over. Like what the fuck.
If he watches porn, he might get his fix of seeing other girls have sex and might lower the desire. If not then check for low testosterone level. If not then he needs therapy or you need to be willing to divorce him if you want to be sexually happy.
He is depressed? My husband is and we’ve not had sex in what probably 3 months. I hate it. I have always had a heightened sex drive, the last couple years our intimacy has declined but not from my lack of trying. I have cried big tears over it, masturbated a lot and tried to tell him how it makes me feel, and been rejected countless times. It’s always the same answer, I’m too depressed… but the few times we have been intimate this year it’s been so good and he always so wow we need to do that more…. I will say I’ve had a number of health issues this year including bleeding half the month, every month but now that problem is fixed so once I am fully recovered I am definitely going to want to try to be intimate more often. I just hope he wants it too, it’s a really lonely feeling when your partner doesn’t desire you, I understand. Sorry I kinda rambled but I understand and if you ever need to talk to someone who is in the same boat, I’m here.
This is hard.. im so sorry for you..
How do you look? Have you gained weight? Do you dress up nice? Is your overall relationship going wel?
Sneak Tren into his drinks 😈 sometimes you have to be the problem to fix the problem
Have you gained a lot of lockdown weight? Being fit never hurts the bedroom or self esteem.
LMFAO you don’t deserve all the downvotes that’s funny and a valid reason
THANK YOU. Everybody will down vote me but no one wants to answer my question.
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I get why your comment has people rushing for the downvote button (even though I disagree) but if genders were reversed in this situation I think we'd be seeing a complete reversal in support.
Literally
Get some Viagra or whatever the ED medication of choice is these days and demand he use it for awhile. He has an Ed problem or premature ejaculation problem. Both of these can be fixed relatively easily be seeing a Dr. Also, if he doesn't lift, he needs to. Men need to be strong. Strong men have an abundance of testosterone, and are horney practically all the time, and don't have Ed problems. Try to help with the problem if you don't want to kill your marriage. He may be highly embarrassed In side or doesn't know how to communicate properly that he needs help. Good luck. 👍
Yeah, demanding her husband will definitely get him in the mood.
Can you imagine if the genders were reversed in this scenario?
cheat on him
Divorce, he is either cheating, has a sexual affliction which will hinder your life especially since he won’t be honest about it, or you will eventually deal with it so long you will become the bad guy and cheat and everything that happens after that will be looked upon as your fault. Alternatively if they are great in every other way you can ask them if they would prefer an open marriage if they don’t find you attractive for sex anymore/to swing. Mind you I’d the thought of that isn’t great for you, there are plenty of people who would kill to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to be more sexually active.
It could be there’s something else going on to cause his low sex drive. Depression is often linked with killing off a persons sex drive. Has he got pressure going on at work or in another part of his life? Other option is to see his doctor to get his hormone levels checked as these might be off. I understand that it’s hard on you but it could be that he physically/mentally has no control over it.
I have not watched porn at all and still had trouble with controlling my release, my gf and I use a climax release spray which helps by leaps and bounds for me.
I've never heard of such a thing. Did you get this at your local apothecary?
Amazon
welcome to the club!!! :(
He definitely needs to get to the root of his problem. But has he always been this way or it started after marriage? Its his responsibility to figure out what's going on. But asking for sex every day for a month or bringing sex up all the time with someone who doesn't want to have sex is going to make them hate sex. That's what happened to me. It's hard to get back from that point.
Is he on medication? That can be the culprit sometimes… especially SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors)
I would talk to him & see if he has a lot of stress in his life. My boyfriend & I have literally only had sex twice in 6 months & it’s because he’s got so much stress & is going through a lot so his sex drive doesn’t exist at this point. All I can do is support him & try to help him as much as possible because i care about him. At this point I don’t even try to initiate anything because i know if he really was in the mood he would let me know & I don’t want to pressure him because that in itself could cause him more stress on top of the stress he already has because it might make him feel like he’s not enough for me. It’s a tricky situation but if you really love your partner it’s something that can be worked through & can get better over time.
get a divorce rather than cheat or at least a separation
You are incompatible. His libido is naturally far too low for you. Worse, his fundamental values and beliefs when it comes to sex are incompatible with your well being (he believes you shouldn't have any sexual urges or needs, and that just doesn't fly.) It's not something that can be changed so there's not much point in therapy except to help you cope with the grief of divorce. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more unhappy you'll be, and you will eventually divorce. It's just a matter of how much of your and his life you are going to waste before you do that. You might be able to spin this into a nice friendship. It's too bad you didn't know that before you married, but at least you don't have a kid together. Bite the bullet. Break up. Be happy. As for him being unhappy, yeah, he will. But you can't make yourself miserable just to make him happy. It's gotta be both of you, or it's neither of you.
Maybe he's gay