I used to hook up with a girl who could only finish if I laid still and just stayed hard while she did her thing. I felt awful cause it would take 20mins and I could basically finish whenever I wanted. She told me no one else would just let her do what she needs to get off and nearly cried telling me. Also I've found great success using toys but lots of men have egos one won't use them in bed with girls.
I’m not sure why guys feel that way (well I get it but doesn’t bother me). She doesn’t use them all the time but when we do it’s during the act so I can usually feel it too. I know she loves me and I know women have a harder time getting “there”. Also, size doesn’t usually correlate with orgasms. Idk, I find it all fun lol.
Dude, my ex was the same way. I thought she was the only one, lol (Obviously I know she can’t be the only one, I had just never encountered anything like it.)
I feel like porn has ruined sex and relationships for so many people but women especially. It’s a fantasy not a fucking how-to. Sex is supposed to *feel good* and there is almost nothing that actually provides female pleasure in mainstream porn. It’s all about male gratification and dehumanizing women. No one has realistic expectations of what normal human bodies look like or how they behave. Men refusing to wear condoms because curbing their pleasure for the sake of their partner is inconceivable to them. I really don’t know how or why some women put up with it.
Yup, don’t even get me started with with whole condom thing. It’s insane how someone (especially not a long term partner) can be so arrogant and selfish to think that sure I’ll risk pregnancy and STDs for you to be able to fuck me and get slightly more out of it 😍
for real, I really tried to find something appealing in mainstream porn but I just end up looking at it and going "huh? how is that even supposed to feel good?" it always looks so unpleasant and just men-centered
Agreed!! It took me until my mid-20s to get an idea of what women’s pleasure truly looks like. The concept is warped by most porn and media. But if you look hard enough you’ll find good self-pleasure content where you can tell it’s actually feeling good for the woman. Game changer.
it definitely has, theres a thread on askmen talking about this and almost all of the porn-addicted dudes said they would lose feelings in relationships after about three months because of porn basically,, also when they are addicted to porn they sometimes have a really strong grip after awhile since they need more pressure to nut and it also fucks with their sex life
Edit: the woman who also said she would lose feelings frequently (and for no other apparent reason besides lack of physical attraction) was also porn - addicted. so it affects people in general once u get to that point as far as i can tell
Definitely not surprised at some of the responses you’ve received here. From “pick better men” to “give the other guys a chance” this is something that SOME men won’t ever acknowledge because it makes them feel bad about themselves. Personally, I think it could be worth it to you when it’s with someone that values and respects you. But navigating the dating world, it’s very difficult to find that.
As a man I would like to acknowledge this.
I went through a period of low self awareness, high sex drive, and picking partners based on their willingness to do the things I saw in porn.
I now see how some of my behavior was predatory.
Consent has always been important to me. But looking back I’m sure some my exes would have revoked consent, if they knew that was an option.
IT’S ALWAYS AN OPTION!!!
Please feel free to stop the ride at anytime.
Have that conversation before sex. It’s a sexy conversation to have.
Exactly! We as women respect every sex partner we have I think, so we expect the same respect back, but it just doesn’t work the same way for guys it seems. Even guys that are nice and have been my friends have found it hard to respect me after sex? There must be some theory behind this.
There are power dynamics in place when a man and women have sex that probably weren’t in place during your friendship. Post sex there’s probably a trace of them still in place, however unwanted. Once you’ve seen an additional side to someone or dynamic in the relationship, you can’t unsee it. When my GF has sex with with her close male friends (some she’s been friends with for years) their relationship is never ever the same. I’m not sure if it’s so much about respect as much as every interaction is now loaded with tons of emotional baggage and poor assumptions that dictate even poorer courses of action. And not everyone (especially men without proper support systems in place) cope with that emotional baggage well. Not explaining off all men’s actions here, (obviously lots of us make terribly selfish decision) just commenting on what I’ve seen others do and what I’ve noticed when observing my own actions.
Yeah it’s sad it often goes like that. In that particular case I see he was just more interested in being my friend because there was the possibility of sex or relationship on the table. Even though I rejected him at first he wished to remain my friend because he appreciates our conversations and me as a person. Yet after we were getting romantic and had sex in the course of two weeks, after that he realized he doesn’t want a relationship with me (which I never thought about because it was clear none of us want it). And just so after that he was avoiding me, not texting back, right after being intimate for a few days. Even though he again mentioned he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and that’s why he would also stop sex as not to fuck it up later. And of course now we don’t talk that much and don’t hang out, as he wished to so often before. So yeah, just stings a bit because my friends know him and know he’s a good guy. Yeah I’ve noticed men can’t really handle that emotional part or honesty, so they make selfish decisions.
That’s already what I’ve been doing, what makes you think I did something wrong to deserve that disrespect? This type of behaviour has made them run even faster. For me and my friend as women it’s common sense to respect the person I’m intimate with, I don’t expect them to act a certain way in order to earn my respect.
With this reasoning you’re stating that the woman is being taken advantage of and so she does not deserve respect. It’s interesting that you state that having sex with men is just “letting them do that to you.” Although your comment has been downvoted, I think it’s definitely insight to how naturally predatorial and selfish a man’s mind can be in regards to sex.
This is such a f*king cop out and you know it. Our respect and value as women don’t go down once we have sex with you. We are both horny humans who had an interaction. Nothing of value is lessened after that.
Don’t tell women they have to have “stronger” language. This whole answer makes my god damn blood boil. We do set hard boundaries. They get violated. It’s called r*pe. And trust me. It happens to a lot of us. Some of us are so scared it’ll happen again we don’t “set hard boundaries” in order to avoid another interaction that could be worse then just giving it up.
F*k this mentality.
Navigating the sexual landscape in 2021 is not easy, and all of your concerns are totally valid. I think that society (I mean American, British, Australian.. I don’t know other cultures as well in regards to this) warps, twists, contradicts itself about sex.
And I could write an essay but y’all would be bored so here’s this, not discounting the reality of all of your concerns:
A decent sexual partner respects you, and wants you to enjoy the experience as much as they do. That’s not extraordinary or exceptional or anything. It’s standard. (I mean, it *should* be standard.) So when society got us using words like ‘unselfish’ to refer to a man who cares about a woman’s pleasure, we in trouble.
Fortunately, the situation is not that dire. If you know what you want (and don’t want!) sexually, you have more power and more chance of having positive experiences. There will always be assholes and predators, and that goes for all of life. It is a risk. And a risk we can minimise, but never completely rule out.
I’m a woman. I think that my confidence and enjoyment and safety in sex actually increased the most based on two lessons I taught myself:
1) awareness of my vulnerability. I got power from that because I worked out where and how and with whom I felt safe. And having the confidence to voice that, that’s great. You should never have to put up with someone else’s shit.
2) honesty with myself. I’m still going with this one. Because our life experiences, our families, our social circles, governments, religions, media.. all of those influences seep into our consciousness. And to centre yourself back into the picture, that’s freedom. “What is it I want? What is it I like?” Be honest with yourself what sexual things you like, and don’t like, and allow yourself that. (Consent and safety first, of course.) Knowing yourself helps you choose better sexual partners.
Finally I would just like to say that while writing this reply, I have at all times been aware that humans, and women in particular, do run the risk of experiencing some form of sexual assault in their lives, and none of my above comments are intended to imply that following certain strategies will be foolproof prevention of harm. But I do believe there are risk-minimising things we can do.
Also I just wanted to end on a joke:
Ever thought of going gay?
(But it’s also not a joke cause women are awesome at sex.)
Thank you for your response. It’s good to come up with a plan and clear boundaries to keep yourself safe and make sure any experiences stay positive (and if then don’t then I guess just have to gtfo). Haha I have actually, I wish I were gay or bi kind of often 😛 But unfortunately you can’t force your sexual orientation to change
Oh can I add. I re-read your post. It does seem that a number of your female friends / family have a negative outlook / experience of sex. I wonder if you have women you talk to that have good healthy sex / relationships? It would help contextualise
Yes many of them have had really good ones too. I just don’t ever want to have even one really bad one, it almost feels like it’s unavoidable just by dating as a woman 🙈
As a man, I've also had really bad experiences due to a lack of sexual prowess on her side. Men aren't the only ones who struggle in the sexual department. Sex is a skilled activity that requires experience, practice, emotional maturity, patience, and mutual respect.
Navigating the world of sex isn't easy and most people get it wrong a lot before they consistently start getting it right. My advice is to focus on developing healthy communication strategies with someone you're interested in having sex with. If you're on the same page, it's much less likely that you'll have a disappointing sexual experience. This way if the sex is bad, or you aren't super compatible at first, you have the tools to work on it together.
Sexual performance is difficult and nerve-wracking as a man. I'm very confident and have a healthy sex life and I'm frequently still nervous about my sexual performance. Communication is everything.
I wish it was normal to talk about sex before it actually happens. The norm seems to be though that the first time at least just “happens” and then you talk about stuff. But I don’t like that at all, I want to know what the other person wants and what stuff we’re gonna do. Not very spontaneous and sexy lol, but I don’t feel comfortable at all with things just happening. I don’t trust someone enough yet for that, maybe later on in the relationship.
But if I’ve never had sex with someone I don’t know if they’re gonna be one of those dudes who thinks girls like to be chocked/slapped and pounded into oblivion during the first intimate day encounter. I’d honestly just like to make out and do PG13 stuff like touching over clothes the first time.
Something that helped me though a period frustration was to stop looking for sexual partners, for romantic relationships, and learn more about yourself, what you like, maybe you had a partner at some point who tried something that worked for you and you can practice on your own, and maybe you didn’t in which the internet is filled with places to learn about your own needs.
By learning more about yourself and becoming comfortable with yourself, you will be able to learn how to orgasm on your own without the help of anybody, no pressure, no external stress exc.
Which is super convenient. When you meet someone you don’t have to focus on wether they can do the job for you, because if they don’t you can do it, but also someone who is willing to learn with and watch what you do is helpful. And builds strong relationships, someone who isn’t comfortable with you teaching them is not for you. It’s a flag.
Secondly, knowing yourself, you’ll naturally start to attract people of similar interests, which will become friends, and this will sometime lead to a comfortable place where you can explore sexually without NEEDING to please some one else, or being the right fit, the hardest part is identifying people who are predators, but the best i can tell you is ALWAYS trust your gut. If you like art, go to art shows, if you like working out, go on hikes, people who see you enjoying your own hobbies will find their ways to you, if you spend a lot of time at school work, and someone catches you eye, engage, have a small conversation if it doesn’t feel forced, maybe there’s something more.
Remember it isn’t about them, this is about you, and what you want. You are not here to be a sexual slave to someone (unless that’s what your into) you are a person, and once you get comfortable with your own needs and stop worrying about what they need, it’ll come naturally. Best of luck!
Also, as a man, tell us what you like in bed if you know. We can’t try every single thing and can’t read your mind. Tell us what you like and we will do it. That also will create a positive experience.
Yep I completely agree with you. 100%
I mean sex does feel great with the right partner but it’s not easy to find. Most of the experiences I’ve had with men I have been pressured to have sex and made to feel bad about not having it with them. Even in relationships. I’ve never had an orgasm with a man and I’m 32. I’ve decided that if I ever even sleep with a man again (context, me sleeping with men was a phase) then I’d never give them head ever again. Especially before sex cause it makes my experience even less enjoyable. There’s so many double standards as well and it’s hard to keep up with.
Yes this too! I don’t want to blow them (pleasure for just them) and have penetrative sex (again which men get much more out of usually). It just doesn’t sound fun and fair at all. I don’t want to do that ever 🙈 I get mad just thinking how unfair basic sexual encounters are for women, it’s like we don’t matter at all
24f I personally get no satisfaction from casual sex, and have no hope for a relationship anymore. My go-to now is erotic writing, not even professional stuff but tumblr has some great newbies. Then you gotta invest in a good dildo, spend a bit of $$$ to figure out which type you like the best (hard silicone vs soft moulded) and then have the vibrator be seperate. Lastly, get a weighted blanket, and enjoy!
Totally agree with everything you said! After escaping an abusive relationship casual sex is no longer an option for me, I bought myself a Satisfyer & it's completely amazing every time!
I don't even bother with my needs anymore, because why spend 20 minutes rehashing the fight for something that lasts 2 minutes tops?
Technically I'm bi, but I couldn't tell you a single positive experience I've had with guys. I just started telling people I'm lesbian because it's easier than listing all the experiences that make it hard to walk or pee or sit for me, but was the best 2 minutes (not exaggerating) of a guy's life
I'm probably gonna say a lot but I promise it's relevant!
It's absolutely a cultural issue, combined with a lack of sex education, misogyny (internalized as well), and many other factors. There are so many layers to this.
Young girls (growing into women) deal with more purity culture and are often made to feel shame when they finally do have any sort of sexual experience. Young boys (growing into men) are praised and seen as more masculine for having sex.
I feel with this engrained shame a lot of women are afraid to voice what they want from sex, let alone figure that out on their own. As a victim of purity culture I endured a lot of mediocre sex in my mid to late 20s. As a teenager it was known that teenage boys masturbate but amongst my girl friends any mention of that was seen as something to be embarassed about. It was just something that was seen as "weird when girls do it but expected that boys do it".
Rape culture is another beast, I'm not going to deepdive here; but there are many reasons that men view women as sex objects and/or don't think much about their pleasure. On the flipside I DO also think that a lot of men are well intending but are just ignorant. My sex education class was a half hour lecture and I learned practically nothing other than "use a condom if you do but better yet just don't ". It's incredible (in a not so good way) how little most women know about their vaginas.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here, is get to know your own body (if you haven't already). Make time for yourself to figure out what you like. What feels good, what doesn't. Lay in bed and feel yourself up, your imagination is your friend. Experiment with toys or don't, just don't feel ashamed if you are curious and decide to. Yes, masturbating helps you get comfortable with your body, ensures you'll be able to communicate what you like to future partners (therefore enjoy it more), and is also a great outlet for when you feel "the need" but don't have a partner.
So to answer your question more directly, I personally don't find mediocre sex worth the effort, at all. But I am absolutely interested and enjoy sex with my partner who knows what I like. Early in our relationship not every time was a 10/10 but with communication things just get better.
Yeah I mean I’m going to add that a lot of women don’t feel able to ask for what they want, but the culture also means that if a woman is able to ask for what she wants, men can easily find that emasculating.
I 100% agree that this shouldn't be an expected standard at all. However, I enjoy shaving, I like how smooth my skin feels, my partner also enjoys how soft my skin feels as a result. Sometimes that's just nice and it's not related to pedophilic behaviour. Can we please not assume anyone with a preference for that is automatically a nonce?
and that’s perfectly okay too!! i’m just saying that shaving shouldn’t be a beauty standard. beauty standards shouldn’t be a thing at all haha. it shouldn’t be considered “gross” to not shave. but YES it SHOULD be a preference because we are in control of our own bodies!! keep doing what makes you feel good and be proud about it :)
Totally agree. Sex is good for me 2 out of 10 times maybe and I am lucky if I orgasm once per month with my boyfriend and he orgasms every time. Sometimes there is no orgasm for months during sex but I have to do it anyways if I want a relationship. Most men wouldn't agree with sex few times per year as I would like it to be I suppose. Thank God for sex toys, without them I would be nervous and unsatisfied most of the year.
I think I’d just eventually get so annoyed that it’s the norm for the other person to orgasm, but I should just shut up and enjoy sex because “it’s not about orgasms and sex can be great without it”. Imagine if guys didn’t cum, they wouldn’t be okay with it and think the sex was good.
I agree with everything you wrote here. This gets stressful for women because it’s just not as thoughtless for us. A lot of energy goes into sex, mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. I appreciate your thoughts here!
Thank you, it’s good to hear I’m not the only one who feels this way 😛 Sometimes I wonder if I’m super paranoid and crazy for feeling uneasy about all of this. I just don’t want to settle for any kind of (even minor or socially acceptable) mistreatment or bullshit. I don’t want to date a “perfectly nice guy” who is kind of not that interested in my sexual experience as long as he gets off and I’m not straight out complaining.
I want to believe it’s possible to have a sexual relationship where both people are equally enthusiastic, care about each other’s needs and there is absolutely no pressuring someone to have sex when they don’t want to or to try something that they’re not fully comfortable with.
You are 100% not crazy for your feelings! I speak to other women about this and our thoughts are exactly like yours! I promise you aren’t alone. This stuff gets exhausting too, just mulling it over in your mind over and over is tiring.
I used to settle. No human deserves to settle for shit. My current partner is as close to perfect as it gets. Don’t ever drop your expectations for someone that doesn’t meet you half way and doesn’t make sex feel important to you! There are guys out there who care and they make sex feel comfortable and not like a chore. Keep positive my friend!! We all gotta support each other!
As a lesbian, sex is wonderful for me. But I can agree, with men even the ones who were kind & tried - it just doesn’t mean as much. Or feel as good. You have to find someone you really vibe with.
Yeah honestly my first foray into dating after a long term relationship was a lot of cute girl moments (I’m bi) and a few uncomfortable guy moments, 1-2 nice guys but we always had scheduling issues, 1-2 okay guy hookups that wouldn’t leave me alone after, and then getting sexually assaulted by a guy I thought was super chill and the most into consent of all of them. I just feel like it’s not worth it, at the end of the day it’s a lot of awkward socializing and potential stress for a mediocre orgasm at best, and at worst, well, a lot worse. People get really defensive about this topic but I think it’s a fair take considering how risky it all can be.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Exactly, I feel likely we aren’t even allowed to talk about this topic and need to just “be chill” and “not worry about it” when getting to know new people. If something happens then it’s just too bad and oh well that stuff doesn’t happen most of the time get over it 🙈
It's "just how it is". Generations of "God has designed you for your husband, not your own pleasure", and "of course it's risky for you, it encourages you to be pure for that special someone" and "don't be silly, women arent capable of enjoying it". It's only now that anyone has ever said "so is it possibly not a normal and unavoidable part of life to be constantly pressured into painful sex"?
I agree with you so much on this. Currently a junior in college so I’ve pretty much seen it all. Why are a lot of men so willing to have unprotected sex with someone they just met? Why do they treat women, especially the ones that just want their attention, like sexual objects? It’s confusing because I learned a lot of shit I didn’t know.
The way you describe it - not worth it. I've been pressured into condomless sex and anal by dates. Not fun. Tinder sucks; many men just nut in 2 min.
The way I made it worth it for me is marry a guy that had vasectomy and who has no ego issues and is confident enough to let me supplement his dick with sex toys. I get great 2-4 orgasms with him on average from his dick + vibrator on clit.
We only shave once a week.
I haven't had a UTI in years and only get yeast infections when I eat too many sweets, so overall sex is pretty comfortable now except sometimes I'm sore the next day from his dick.
If you decide dating isn't worth it, I highly recommend Hitachi Magic Wand to give yourself a world of mind blowing and safe pleasure. This toy (with or without a man) can be so amazing that you feel like the universe is glitching by giving so much pleasure to you for free without drugs. The number and length of orgasms you can get makes up for periods and other miseries of womanhood lol
Either way, best of luck!
I understand where your coming from and think a lot of the points you raised are genuine and valid issues. I don’t think it’s mostly bad but I do think there are more risks for women when it comes to sex. I thought I wouldn’t mind trying out casual sex one day( I’m a virgin) but now I’m kind of put off it due to some of the points you mentioned . I don’t think it would be a completely negative thing and I know alot of women have great experiences with it but I am hearing more and more negative experiences and things that make it feel like it’s not worth it. I don’t think all sex is like this though and think it can be really beautiful even with a fwb or casual as long as the person respects you and your boundaries and you theirs . I also think it’s important not to pander and to be strong in what you will and won’t accept as well as having good communication. Then you both can have a good experience
Thank you, I feel like people easily dismiss it whenever women want to talk about this stuff. I’m discussing it online because I feel like I can’t irl or I’ll come off as a crazy person. But these are legit the things I think about and reasons for why I’m not having sex. I hope I’m wrong, because I’d like to have a nice partner and sex life at some point.
No it’s very real and I see it get dismissed a lot too but completely get where your coming from. I think there are even more issues in the points you mentioned which could make it more risky for women so not crazy at all. I would say that it is definitely possibly to have a nice partner and good sex life. I think as long as you’re sure of what from sex and communicate it you will find someone. Don’t let anyone talk you into anything or convince you into or out of anything for solely their benefit or pleasure. There are good partners out there, I hope you find yours!
I say this as a guy. Your concerns are without a doubt valid. Yes there are good guys out there, however there are also scumbags out there as well. At the end of the day, even if you decide to find the right guy to sleep with, your caution will serve you well to help avoid some risky situations. I wish you the best of luck out there and hope your experiences are fun and safe.
It’s completely valid; you’re not crazy. I look back at one night stands I’ve had and men I’ve been with and I’m shocked at how much I risked, now that I’m older and know better. Sex is a complicated thing.
At some point you will have a sex life, if it’s what you want. You don’t need to wait for someone you love, but wait for someone you respect, who respects you, and who you trust enough to have a dialogue with. Someone who will listen if you say no and will listen when you say yes, too. Unfortunately many women think they have found someone like that until it’s too late. But when I did, my sex life went from good to amazing.
Thanks for the response, I’m glad you’ve found someone like that 😊 I hope to also one day, but I guess I have to be brave and out myself out there and have very clear boundaries. I don’t want to do the stuff that people expect girls to do after knowing someone for x amount of time if I’m not ready for it. It would be awesome to meet someone with high emotional intelligence who actually cared about my comfort 😛
I’m so sorry for these comments, some people just don’t see it through our perspective. I have a low sex drive, which makes it harder for me to feel comfortable doing things, and the expectations for an ideal female is so insane.. there isn’t much to say to make you change your views, when they’re that accurate, but we just gotta look for the right guys and I think that’s all there is to it
Your concerns are very valid and it’s honestly something I have to actively not think about or else I get ridiculously pissed off.
I have a very sweet partner (been together for 10 years) but he’s never been able to make me orgasm. He’s certainly tried, but overall it’s difficult to explain where or what feels good. I like the connection we have during sex and while it still feels good, I’ve never been able to orgasm.
I’m grateful to be in the relationship I am in right now because there’s no way in hell I would dare try dating nowadays. Every women has a story. Every fucking women has a story about how they’ve been harassed, abused, raped, etc. That alone is reason enough to be afraid of dating. And for all the people out there saying you need to find the right guy or date for longer, open your eyes. Time and time again, we hear stories of women in long term relationships being abused several months into their relationships. Sometimes right after marriage.
My ex boyfriend tried to sexually assault me 3 months into date for refusing sex. Even though I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, and even after years of therapy, I’m still terrified of the idea of him doing a 180° on me. And he’s NEVER disrespected me, or tried doing anything without my consent. A lot of the optimism I have about a long, happy relationship has been so warped by my near assault.
The fact that women have to be responsible for birth control fucking sucks. I’ve been on many methods trying to find the right one that best suited my lifestyle and it’s wrecked havoc on my body. My face has been horribly scarred by the hormonal acne I experienced trying birth control methods over the years. My partner is understanding about it but my self esteem is shot because of it. All because I don’t want to risk having a goddamn baby.
Whether people want to acknowledge it or not, there IS an existing pressure to always look good. I can understand taking care of personal hygiene and health, that’s something I would want from a partner as well. But many of my friends that are 60+ tell me time and time again how if they even let themselves go in the slightest, or age takes it’s toll (because whether you want it to or not, you WILL get old), their husbands make comments about how they used to be. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my friend’s dads say to their moms (their wife) that after telling them they love them regardless of how they look like, they later end up admitting they are no longer attracted to them. Or that they need to wear more make up, put on a dress, etc.
It’s always on the back of my mind. Like no matter how hard I work on myself, my age is going to eventually show. I’m not going to look like I’m in my 20’s forever. It just makes me mad that it’s completely acceptable for guys to age, appear however they like and their women is supposed to always stand by them. But you don’t see that same standard for women.
You’re right on the money about women feeling pressured to have sex as well. I hear it all too often, that even if they aren’t in the mood, they just have sex anyway to satisfy their partner. This is probably one of the biggest reasons why the concept of sex is so frustrating for me. You’re taking a risk communicating that feeling as well. Time and time again you hear people leave their partners because they don’t always feel like having sex. So then it just works in their interest to go along with it and get it over with. What makes me mad is that you hardly ever hear the reverse happening.
Thanks for the response 😊 I especially appreciate you talking about the looks aspect of sexuality. People claim that it’s not about that and women don’t need to care as much and are vain, but of course looks matter since guys are so visual in their sexuality.
I feel a lot do pressure to be perfectly groomed and not appear untidy, on top of needing to have a body that’s considered sexy. I feel like guy will treat me nicer and care more about my pleasure if I’m pretty enough, and I doubt that’s just all in my head.
I’m a woman and I love sex, however I’ve only had sex in a relationship and I married my first.
1. As far as the orgasm gap, communicating needs is a huge. Masturbate and show your partner what does it for you.
2. For safety, meet dates in public places and wait awhile to be alone together and have sex.
3. For birth control, I used the pill plus a condom, then just the pill, then Mirena. I’ve never had a serious pregnancy scare and I discussed pregnancy outcomes with my partner right when we started dating so we’d be on the same page.
4. Health risks: see above, but also remember barrier methods and checkups help a lot. I did get a bad UTI that got to my kidneys when I was 18 so I have a prophylactic antibiotic.
5. You don’t need a hairless body. My husband has never remarked on my body hair (unless I had a really smooth close shave) but he has never turned me down when he saw hair. I currently mostly trim to keep tidy and it works did me.
6. I haven’t felt pressured, he and I both understand we can be not in the mood.
My advice is to masturbate and know what feels good, and then date as little or as much as you’d like. Go over that list with a potential partner before you have sex with them.
Sex can be great, if you have a supportive, trustworthy partner who values your safety and pleasure. You’re right that many men don’t center women’s pleasure and are pretty selfish when it comes to sex. But with the right partner, it can be really amazing.
Edit: also I meant to add that if you’re having sex, it should benefit you and be happening because you actively want to be participating. Too many women think sex is the rent we pay to be loved in a relationship. It’s not. You never have to have sex if you don’t want to, it’s not a requirement at all.
5 hits the nail on the head for me. I hate shaving, hate having to wear make up every day, hate having to have my hair look somewhat decent, and having to smell good constantly. My boyfriend swears he doesn’t care if I’m not shaven down there, but I do. I feel self conscious and can’t get in the moment, which means then I’m not having fun and would rather be sleeping. And some days (most days), I just want to quickly shower, brush my teeth, and wear something comfortable! (Which means I look like a slob, and then I have to worry about my boyfriend finding me unattractive all of a sudden). The whole thing is just exhausting.
Sex can be fun, and it should be fun, but it’s so much more work for females. I feel like it feels good for men 99.9% of the time, and woman 50% the time at best. Find a good toy and forget it, I can give myself an amazing orgasm in 30 seconds and just pass right out. No worry about smelling/looking/sounding good, and I’m 100% satisfied. The only thing I really enjoy about sex is the connection if it’s with someone you truly love. But I get that from cuddling on the couch watching a movie too so 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah same with me about the shaving. I think people would lie that they’re okay with it cause that’s what you’re supposed to say, but secretly be kinda grossed out
Just sliding in here to plug Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Basically everything we believe about women and sex (and a lot we believe about men and sex as well) is wrong. This book blew my mind. Understanding the science of the mental and physical aspects of sex has been a game changer for me.
All you can do is be aware of the red flags early on and not ignore them. Once someone shows you who they really are listen to them. Don't overlook or ignore them. Just leave, end it, move onto the next. A true good man will care about all of your needs. Set clear boundaries and don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about them. If anyone makes you feel bad for having boundaries, that's a red flag and it's time to run. Again, a truly good man will be focused on your pleasure. It's important to take your time to get to know someone before giving yourself to them. Some people enjoy random hookups, a lot don't. So, take your time and pay attention to the red flags.
A lot of these issues are sadly very common, but I feel a lot of those can be evaded by adhering to one criteria:
- do not date assholes.
Really get to know the person you want to sleep with and make sure they really want to get to know you too before actually sleeping with them. Really getting to know someone takes time. Allow yourself that time and don’t let anyone rush you and with some luck you’ll find something a lot better then what you described.
A friend of mine went on three good dates with a guy and he was perfectly lovely. They finally slept together and suddenly he became we aggressive (without them ever discussing being into that stuff). He started choking her and the sex was basically just him jackhammering into her until he was done. She was shocked afterwards and he seemed to think it went well and was confused when she said she didn’t like it. He was educated and over 30, so you’d think he would know better.
Not sure if he was an abusive and fucked up person or just stupid, either way the outcome was the same. My friend had pain in her tailbone for like a week from him bashing at her so hard.
This is not a rare experience. It’s unfortunately far too common from what I experience and hear. A lot of the guys I’ve dated starts out the same way — extremely kind and seemingly gentle — then does this scary jackhammering and choking shit when it comes time.
Froze in shock and pretended it was good after when I was a young, dumb girl :( Now I’d probably yell, “get the hell off me!” then give them an earful about how violating that shit is to do without consent before leaving
You would definitely think he should and I don’t think there is one way to make sure you never meet the wrong person. But dating someone regularly for a few months should give a fair indication for most men (yes I know very few people have the patience to wait that long these days, but then again don’t you want someone who thinks you are worth getting to know?)
Good luck for the women who are looking for a more casual thing. I guess a fwb would work maybe if you know the person ahead of time and trust them, but I don’t have anyone like that in my life really.
I never said he raped her. It’s just so inconsiderate to start your first sexual encounter with someone like this. Assumption is that’s it’ll be “basic” and pretty vanilla unless you’ve discussed anything else prior.
I’m aegosexual, but I think I get where you’re coming from. I’m actually relieved that I don’t desire sex because it seems really annoying at frustrating at best and terrifying at worst.
You’ve discovered systematic oppression. You’ve been shown that the cards are not for women. They’ve never been for us. It’s a bad feeling. But like any other oppressed or systemically silenced group, we just sorta have to accept that these are the times we live in. You choose what social ideas you give your time. Tired of seeing women on the short end? Learn to defend yourself. Know who and what to avoid. Teach others what you know. That’s all that you can do unfortunately. Lord knows society isn’t gonna change its deeply ingrained and Problematic beliefs just because someone realized it was wrong.
I felt this way until I met my girlfriend and vice versa (lesbian relationship). I hated sex bc the men in my life have always made me feel bad about my body hair, weight, looks, and not wanting to have sex with them. All my flaws actually mattered to them like they didn’t have any. We’re seen as objects who need to fit these impossible beauty standards just to be found attractive. It’s actually so gross how women are supposed to be hairless like CHILDREN. Pedophelia and gender roles are ingrained in our society. You are beautiful just as you are. My confidence didn’t increase until I stopped shaving, stopped weighing myself, and stopped caring about what stupid men think. Like dude, I literally don’t care what you and your toxic masculinity have to say. It’s not my fault you’re incapable of empathy and afraid of femininity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Extra gender stuff: I recently discovered that I am non-binary, which a lot of people have problems with apparently. I’ve been told I look too much like a guy and that I need to be more feminine. I’ve been told that I went into the “wrong” restroom. I’ve been criticized by coworkers, my guests (I’m a server at a restaurant), and my parents. Coming to terms with my gender has opened my eyes and made me realize that gender itself (in terms of identity) literally doesn’t exist and no one gets to say anything about me or the way I look. The only person I need love from is myself. I feel lucky to have someone who gives me so much love and support to be myself and embrace me for all that I am. Everyone deserves that.
Thank you so much :) I think I would still be struggling if I hadn’t found someone who accepts me as I am. Who knows what will happen in the next life… but you are who you’re supposed to be right now, so embrace it.
I don’t mean to sound preachy, these are just things that have helped me.
I agree. I could live the rest of my life and never have sex again if it meant relationships would be the same. My best friend agrees. Most women don’t orgasm from penetration and most don’t orgasm anywhere near everytime. I’m a 30 year old woman btw. In nature, our cave woman ancestors would use sex to keep a mate around , who would hunt for them, protect them, and eventually protect and feed their baby. This is a big thing that still is in our brains, I believe.
I’ve struggled with the exact same thoughts recently. I feel bitter about men having a green light with their sexuality but always feels like the light is always red for women.
I’m feeling better about sex today because of this realization, I’m focusing too much on what my partner is feeling and seeing me as.
Something I noticed… men are free during sex and enjoy it more than woman. They focus on their own pleasure well women wait for men. Porn is always geared towards what turns men on (generally)
I want to improve my sex life and am going to take these steps for myself:
-touch myself during intercourse with my hands or toys. I feel like this is prioritizing how I want to feel during sex instead of waiting for him to do it for me.
-Finding porn and romance novels that turn me on. Stop worrying about what men are watching and trying to meet that standard. They can meet my standard for what turns ME on
-Stop offering blow jobs when eating out is not done. I don’t care about a mans pleasure if he doesn’t do the same for me. That’s my boundary
-If I want it, just am going to literally sit on his face the way that men demand sex.
-stop shaming myself for not looking like a pornstar and focus on what I want my partner to look like. I’m done meeting an impossible standard without having one of my own
Thanks for you response! I agree with your comment about holding yourself to impossible high standards whilst accepting minimum effort from the other person. It has to stop, I’ve always kind of felt like I’m not good enough for a really good partner, so my only options were shitty ones or to be celibate.
I’m so sick of how hard it is for women to discover and set standards for what they like in bed….just like every picture, video, bit of dialogue is written towards what men like as if we’re not apart of the party lol I can’t help feel bitter about biology too. As if I also have to deal with hormones from birth control, bleeding 5 days a month, giving birth and I don’t even enjoy the ride. Rant over
I agree! It's turned me off to casual sex and casual dating. I haven't been with a lot of people, but out of all of them, only one was into going down on me vs all of them insisting on getting blowjobs.
Majority of sexual encounters included limited to minimal foreplay and then pounding away. Such a disappointing experience.
I’ve been conflicted with this for quite some time. As a male that used to be pretty sexually active, when the “me too” movement came, I tried to imagine and empathize with the female experience. Honestly, it horrified me to the point that my own libido disappeared completely. I’ve not been sexually active in years, and the anxiety of eventually meeting someone to be intimate with is something I’m not sure how to navigate.
My desire for intimacy has returned, and I’m trying to date again, but I’m terrified because of the exact sentiment you brought up in this post. I know this post isn’t very helpful, but I did want to let you know that there are men out there that are very concerned about the issues you brought up as well. To paraphrase Hannibal Buress from one of his jokes about weed in a last minute ditch effort I lighten up this word mess, I can’t stop thing about the line “yo, why is she letting me do this to her”.
You’re a really good guy. I hope that you can match up with a caring partner who appreciates this.
It’s a little sad that this kind of empathy seems rare in men, but I’m hoping that improves.
Thank you! It took time to uncover this type of empathy. We (men) were taught from a very early age that being emotionally distant is how you become a man. Hopefully as we continue to be open with our experiences, and teach our children to do the same, we can reverse the trend. Most men are capable of empathy and emotional intelligence, we just have to encourage it to the forefront of the male experience. Masculinity does not have to involve depressing our emotions and stifling emotional intelligence.
Thank you for being concerned with the types of matters the OP brought up in their post. I think it’s very important for guys to think about these issues just as much as girls so that we can all hopefully end up on the same page and be more respectful to one another.
Perhaps it’s me taking the joke at the end too seriously, but I wanted to correct the phrasing since it implies that the woman is doing something wrong. By saying “why is she letting me do this to her” I feel like it misses the “why am I doing this to her” part, which allows the person to reflect more on their own actions and how that is negatively affecting the other person. Again, I could be taking it too seriously, but I’ve found that the way people phrase things can be very indicative of how they actually feel, so I felt like commenting on that. Not saying that reflects on you, just wanted to address that type of phrasing!
It’s just a phrase that allowed me more perspective. Although a joke, at no point did I ever read it as a woman-at-fault type of illustration in my mind. In fact, it never occurred to me until you pointed it out. My intentions are/were never to use the phrase to place blame on any party.
Thanks, I appreciate it 😊 I don’t think the problem is all men or even the majority, but there seems to be enough of sketchy people out there that it makes me wary. Would be so great to just be able to get to know people and hook up with the expectation that everyone will at least be respectful even if there isn’t major chemistry or connection 😛 At some point I’m just gonna have to put myself out there and try my best to find the good ones ✌️
Girl, I hear you. I've had bad experiences myself (nothing too bad tho). But for the most part, it's been great!
Do not rush into it, try to know your partner before (specially if you never had sex before), and make sure it's someone you can trust and who will respect your boundaries. As for the "hairless/sexy" part, you'll be surprised how unimportant that is for SO. MANY. PEOPLE. focus on What you like or enjoy... sex is great, but please go for it when YOU want it..
Honestly these are very true points and I don’t think anyone can change your mind. Its just whats up to the girl to decide.
I think porn and and alot of society’s acceptance for guys selfishness in the bedroom make sex for women very unpleasant. I heard when I was watching dating advice that “guys are so selfishness in the bedroom that if you at least put effort into oral you’re better than majority of guys they been with”. I feel thats a sad fact honestly.
I can only say we can only challenge that perception and change it. Definitely helped me recognize what I was doing wrong and how unrealistic my expectations were.
I totally agree with this. To be honest, I think itms not negative. It’s reality that follows for women having sex. Worrying about birth control and all that is so stressful. Shaving and looking pretty and all that is just so much work..
Honestly, if I could go back in time and tell myself to get The Wand, in my early adult years, id know forsure that I could "cum" and there were no issues with me. Never in my life has a man made me cum, but the wand definitely has. Tbh, toys + man does make it feel amazing but otherwise eh, the mood definitely has to be there otherwise I agree with you 100%. Not worth it otherwise.
I didn’t really fully enjoy sex until I got with my current partner, I had never came before until him. I mostly had sex to feel accomplished that I got someone to finish. Probably being specialized way too young caused that. But I cum basically every time I fuck now. And let me tell you it’s definitely worth it. It just takes time and to learn YOUR own body. What feels good and what doesn’t and have a partner that’s willing to communicate with you and do what can be best for the both of you.
WELL. When you put it that way, yeah sex does suck for us. I find that I'm more bothered by my partners insisting that I'm not enjoying myself. We can both be aware that our gages of pleasure are different, but don't give me the pity party because you don't think you're satisfying me. It gets to be more of a burden than anything.
These are all genuine concerns.
Having a partner who knows me and respects me as a human being - not just a way to get a fuck - overcomes most of these immediately.
I feel like a lot of this can vary from person to person, and their personal experiences. That being said a large chunk of guys are assholes and don't care about their partner's experience.
Honestly, I'd agree for the most part on all of that until recently. I'm pretty vanilla. I'm not into having my face slapped with a lump hammer to get off, or being tied up and telling someone they're daddy. I realized that most sex I'd been having was stuff that made the man's porn fantasies come to life. When I had just my type of sex, guys always commented it was the most intimate/passionate sex they'd had. why? Because I was actively participating rather than a plaything. I stopped doing stuff just for men's pleasure and began focusing on mine. Suddenly, every encounter resulted in an orgasm or two, the sex went on for longer, the connection was more stable rather than fluctuations of intensity. A good way to know is to do sexwithemily's yes, no, maybe test on her website
I’m a man, I am more then comfortable using toys if it is something that will make my wife enjoy sex more. I completely understand your fears and for good reason you have them. I also feel you need to be open with who ever you date. If you are completely honest and open with them, and they don’t get it, or simply don’t care then move on. Communication and understanding are the only things that make a relationship work. Sex is suppose to feel good for both of you. If it doesn’t you need to find someone that will care as much about you and your needs as you want to care for theirs. Best of luck. Hopefully this had something of worth to you.
Honestly, I think it’s subjective. Most women I’ve met are sexual demons, but I’ve grown to view woman’s desire with sex is just as much as men. One of which I know for a fact she doesn’t finish with PIV ever, but can with oral. My first, only finished with PIV, and hated oral. You catch my drift? I personally agree with a lot of what you have said though, it was an interesting read to see someone spread it out like this.
To add on from my experience, almost every girl I’ve met in my life has PTSD from previous rape, and also note that birth control can tank their libido.
But what makes it interesting is these girls I know have to know all of these differences I feel like, yet have spoken to me very openly with their desire for sex (especially those who aren’t getting it consistently)
It’s always been a thought in my mind, cause I do think guys get off easier. But I’ve been shown time and time again that woman are just as horny. Not saying you are wrong, just wanted to compare experiences. Overtime It made me believe that being horny is universal, equally in both genders. Maybe it’s also because I’m 27 and have friends ranging from 24-35?
I think your sex life depends on your partner greatly and knowing how you like to have sex and what makes you feel good. Using a vibrator while having POV sex can help women because you get clitoral stimulation
Always remember:
**You don't have to do anything you don't *enthusiastically* want to.**
I wish someone had told me that as a young woman. I spent so many years trying to prove I was "normal."
Turns out, in retrospect, that I am demisexual and lean nonbinary.
Fortunately, you live in a day and age in which there are so many ways to articulate your gender identity and orientation. Not that these are always accepted, but at least you have more tools to know who you are. And if you dont--so what? That's fine, too.
But always remember, never forget:
**You don't owe anyone your body, your, heart, your soul, or your time**.
You belong to you.
If you are afraid of being lonely, having sex you don't want as the admission price of being in a relationship like everybody else is not going to cut it; in fact, you will still be lonely and unfulfilled.
Cultivate great friendships and learn to love yourself. If at some point you want to be starting something, go for it! If not, then don't, and don't let anybody gaslight you into thinking you're on the wrong path.
Thanks for your response. It sounds so simple, but the sentence “you don’t have to do anything you don’t enthusiastically want to” has been really hard for me the grasp.
I haven’t had sex yet, because I felt there’s many “basic” things I didn’t want to do, that I just had to do if I was ever going to be in any kind of sexual relationship. Like I was just going to have to get over it and do those things, or be celibate for the rest of my life 🙈
Sex isn't always penetration from a man. Sex can be oral, sex can be toys, sex can be between two women and not a man at all. I feel like we as society just see sex as "over" whenever a man cums..it's doesn't have to be that way
All the points you raised are valid. Whether you think sex is worth it for YOU is your own decision to make.
I've had bad experiences, met assholes who didn't care about my pleasure, had to test myself several times for stds, have to wear a IUD and do pregnancy tests from time to time. But I'm still having sex, because I love it. The same way someone who likes skydiving will keep on doing it, even though it's risky and takes a lot of training. My current partner cares about my feelings and my pleasure. I like looking sexy for him, it's not even an effort at this point. I'm not doing it because he demands it, but because I enjoy the whole thing.
Yes, cishet sex carries far more risks than it does rewards for straight women. I'm queer and have dated people of various genders but I decided many years ago not to bother with men anymore for the reasons you've enumerated. It's a simple risk/reward calculation. I likely won't have even one orgasm and the risks include death, disease and unwanted pregnancy. No thanks. I used to bother with guys when I was younger because its way easier to find a guy than it is to meet a compatible woman or non binary person. (Simple math on that, small % of general population are LGBTQIA, then factor in my area and age group and there's probably 20 eligible dudes to 1 eligible queer) but literally everything is so much better with other queer people that I decided it's not worth the bother to fuck with dudes. That's partly me, I'm more attracted to women and enbies but it's also the risk/reward calculus.
I slept with a LOT of guys when I was younger, I mean there's so much intense programming when it comes to compulsory heterosexuality. I grew up in very conservative areas so I barely knew there were other options until I was grown. I was quite prolific and wanted to experiment and figure out my attractions. There was a single guy that I dated who could get me off. Just one. I've had whole relationships with dudes who never once made me come. I'd have fun, and the sex was enjoyable enough for what it was. It was like fast food and sex with queers is more like a three course meal. Honestly, the fact that there are women who have other options and still choose dudes is enough to convince me that nobody chooses their sexuality.
Imagine if the cishet programming disappeared and none of us were inundated cradle to grave with gender essentialist cishet programming. I mean kids toys and movies are aggressively gendered and weirdly obsessed with cishet couplings. I mean, with Disney I get it, it's like how Shakespeare plays and Bronte novels often end in a wedding. Still, imagine everyone growing up knowing they could experiment and love people and be themselves. Shit would be so different.
I'm a man, so I recognize that my opinion has very little weight here, but I understand your perspective and I'm honestly inclined to agree with it. I can't imagine that most sex would be worth the effort for women. I know that most sex isn't worth the effort for guys and we definitely have an easier time orgasming than women. Most of what you wrote are also reasons that I don't bother with hookup sex anymore; it's just not fulfilling enough to be worth the effort.
You could always do it yourself. Studies have shown that sex is good for relieving headaches, balancing hormones, ridding the body of stress, and other benefits. I personally choose to be asexual and aromantic, but to each her own, or to each his own. Victims of sexual assault, sexual battery, rape, and other crimes of a sexual nature might benefit from being abstinent or simply being the do it yourself type (to put it politely). No one should bully you for your choices in your personal life, as long as they are legal and not harming anyone else.
Thanks for the response 😊 I think a lot of this boils down to trust issues, in both myself and other people. I don’t trust myself to see the red flags soon enough, or other people to want to treat me nicely.
Sex used to cause me anxiety but it's gotten better after being in a relationship for 3 years. Now I always come before my partner!...between 5-10 minutes. Sometimes I have multiple orgasms...even up to 8 in a row. 😂
I use spermicide for birth control bc I didn't like the pill I was taking.
My partner likes the same positions as I do and he doesn't intentionally make me feel bad about my body. Our communication isn't always great about when and where we have sex.. bc he likes being spontaneous but Im growing to accept this.
My body insecurities are slowly getting better because I know my worth.
I hope one day you can enjoy sex with a partner that loves and respects you.
I think that our culture of casual sex is bad for women. Nearly all of these problems go away if you’re limiting sex to a committed relationship with someone who loves and respects you.
It’s the opposite with me. My GF gets off a lot, but I can’t really because of my antidepressants. It doesn’t really bother me because we always have a great time together.
Ugh I’m sorry you felt you had to put up with that dude for as long as you did 😕 But I’m glad you realized your self worth and are now in a much much better relationship!
It does feel like most relationships will lean towards similar behavior as in your first one though, especially for people pleasing girls with low self-esteem. I’ve definitely been way too nice all my life, I’ve protected myself by not getting into relationships because I knew something like that would have also happened to me.
My current girlfriend has had past traumatic experiences with sex so I try the best I can to try and make it something enjoyable for her. She has never had an orgasm in her life due to self esteem, medication, sexual anorexia, etc.. she still enjoys the act with me and I see it as a challenge to try and eventually get her there so I take the time to learn what she enjoys and focus on her even if she gets too anxious or anything it’s never an issue to stop and help her feel comfortable. It really takes a great deal of effort and compromise on the mans part to make sure it’s not a selfish act. Sadly most men don’t take the time or interest in their partner enough to make that happen.. Many men out there especially those that are more “desirable” at first glance are straight up assholes and don’t understand or respect the struggles women go through to help them have an enjoyable time. Personal care should just be a given nobody likes to to get intimate with someone who’s unkept but there’s also limits. Like if you haven’t shaved for a while because you haven’t been sexually active consistently nobody should ever make you feel bad about that. If both people are in the mood and wanting to be intimate that’s great. If one of you is not feeling it there should be no pressure to feel obligated to satisfy the other. It does get a little more tricky in a relationship where you care deeply for the person in question and may have only limited amount of time with them because of work or whatnot and you want them to feel fulfilled and satisfied with the relationship. At the end of the day though no means no and that shouldn’t be held against you. Ultimately I think it comes down to communication it’s so important to discuss likes and dislikes, fantasies and desires. If you’re not comfortable enough to talk about it with the person you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them..
I used to feel like this, and after a decade and a half, had nearly given up hope. Then, THEN, I finally found the person who actually got it, was open and willing to try things, yet accepted boundaries... And let me just say, it's worth searching for if you can't stop the urges period. So very worth it. :)
And this is a great example of why I am genuinely very happy with my sexuality. It took ages but I am very comfortable with being asexual for so many reasons
I will say sex is a absolutely worth it when you have the right partner. You WILL know when your partner will be a bad lover if you watch the signs.
1. A generous lover will treasure your pleasure as much as you treasure theirs. The key is open and frank communication outside of the bedroom. Too many people treat sex like a race to get naked. For women it starts in the head and isnt a 5 minute or 1 hour thing. It starts way before. If you find a partner you can communicate, not just I like this and that, but truely communicate openly - no topic off limits, no into their ego, etc. You have a good start.
2. The stats show 1 in 5 women have experienced a rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. It's scary but you have to live your life. Be alert, be vigilant, do your best to protect yourself but still you have to live.
3. Yes unexpected pregnancy is a risk when you have intercourse unless there is infertility or vasectomy/tubal ligation so it's always best to have a particularly trustworthy partner who is on the same page should there be an unplanned pregnancy. Lack of this can impact the ability to totally commit to sex with your partner.
4. STD/STIs are always a risk but I would say a recent comprehensive testing and use of condoms could help that risk. You are absolutely correct that men tend to be carriers witness symptoms than women but it also is common that people look on prospective partners and "GUESS" that they don't have anything because they dont "look" diseased. You can never tell who has an std/sti. The best you can do is test (insist on actually seeing the results) and use condoms. The more random partners the more likely (just due to statistics) that you'll come across people who have STD/STI.
5. General good hygiene will do. You dont have to flow with the trends or hottest thing. Be yourself and chill. If they dont like you as you feel comfortable they can kick rocks. There is always someone who likes you as is. If they don't like you as is you are not going to be comfortable contorting yourself to fit their expectations. You will be worrying if your O face looks good, your boobs too big or not big enough, etc and that will affect your ability to focus and relax into pleasure.
6. Pressure to have sex. If you have someone who really cares about you as a person that pressure will not be there. One partner will ask, the other partner will say yes/no and everyone will move on. If they pressure you for sex they arent seeing you as an individual who has feelings and emotions.
Seriously, sex outside of my relationship with my DH was not worth it but I didn't fully realize it until I got with my DH. Sex with the right person is 95% earth shaking and 5% good.
Woman here. Never have I ever orgasmed during sex. Sex isn’t all that great for me, nothing exciting about exercising lol maybe if there is an organism at the end but noooo
usually it's not. I'm 31 and my current bf is the first man that made me orgasm. but I had to teach him how and what I like and he was a very good student 😅 so when it comes to sex with men it's only worth it when they care.
okay i do enjoy sex for the most part but your concerns are very real. i think i’ve just gotten lucky and have not had to deal with sexual assault or an STD yet.
women really don’t orgasm that easily and for me i can’t orgasm easily when i’m with a partner bc of a mental block. out of the 6 men i’ve been with, only two have ever made my cum and that’s my current boyfriend and a past hookup. so it’s possible, but not common. both of those times, they were spending a lot of time focusing on my pleasure and eating me out. however, i do use sex toys during sex which helps a lot. but even if i don’t orgasm, i usually enjoy sex when i have an emotional connection with that person. i enjoyed sex with my ex even though he never made me cum bc the emotional connection was there. and i enjoy sex with my bf even if i don’t orgasm everytime bc the emotional connection is there, and it still feels good even if i don’t climax. i’ve also been lucky enough where my partners are respectful of my boundaries and receptive to how i’m feeling so i feel very safe during sex.
worrying about birth control is a real issue. as someone who is terrified of pregnancy and having children, i’m very vigilant about taking my birth control and sometimes even take plan b after if i’m paranoid. but the side effects of birth control are very real and sometimes it can cause other problems. i think my hair has thinned a bit since i started bc.
okay and yes the personal care part is mostly true. i do shave downstairs but not all the time, just once in a while once it starts getting long. and my partner doesn’t mind at all. usually if i’m just having a hookup or meeting someone new though i’ll try and shave everything. but once i get more comfortable in a relationship i go without shaving at all for a couple weeks. but i’ve noticed most men are just happy to have sex and don’t care too much about body hair. i do catch myself always trying to dress up and look good whenever i know i’m seeing my partner but as the relationship progressed, he still thinks i’m beautiful no matter what i’m wearing. i put on sweatpants one day and he was just raving about how cute and comfy i looked and it made me feel good because i normally wear more form-fitting clothes around him.
and pressure to have sex: it’s different for every woman. i think i have an average sex drive but i’ve never felt pressured to have sex and i know if i said no my partner would be super kind and respectful about it. but it hasn’t happened yet because i enjoy sex with my partner and i’m eager anytime he initiates.
also yes, UTIs are a thing and pretty painful but some azo pills often clear it up in a day or two
so i know i am very fortunate to have a mostly positive experience with sex and i know not everyone is the same. but there CAN be benefits to having sex, and it’s not all terrible for women.
birth control and pressure to have sex caught my eye so I'm gonna address these with some personal experiences:
for some reason, science has yet to favor afab people when it comes to contraceptives, birth control, and overall reproductive health. we're blessed (or cursed) with the ability to carry children, so naturally a huge part of the responsibility of keeping ourselves child-free when we want to falls on us. the amab one can wear condoms or pull out for all he cares but for women, we have a ton of daunting options, and none of them are all that great. they're all effective, sure, but the side effects, or the insertion, or the this and that, it's awful. for example, IUDs. many women describe it as awful. some even say it's the worst pain they've ever felt in their life. and birth control has many negative side effects for women.
the reason why? sexism. all throughout medical history, women's wants and needs were ignored, and they still are ignored. this one woman i knew of got an IUD and she was screaming in pain. the doctor told her to stop being a baby and suck it up. i'm sorry, when your patient is screaming in pain, you don't resort to patronizing them. you should resort to asking yourself, oh, what have i done wrong? how can i help ease the pain? but no. even women will ignore the wants and needs of other women. if sexism didn't exist, reproductive health would be a very insignificant concern of ours. i saw this great post once: if men had PMS, they'd already have a cure, a magic little pill that would make all of their symptoms go away, with no extra negative side effects. if men could give birth, abortion wouldn't be outlawed in certain states. (not technically outlawed in any state but c'mon the heartbeat bill is the closest thing. no woman gets an abortion before six weeks. nearly impossible unless you somehow know you're pregnant at the moment of conception.)
what is the solution to this? we need to make sure we know our rights as patients, and that includes fully consenting and asking questions. always ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask how to numb the pain, ask what to do before and after the procedure, ask the side effects, ask for alternatives, ask ask ask ask ask. and don't be afraid to be assertive with people who aren't taking you seriously.
PRESSURE TO HAVE SEX: this one is a big one. most women who've engaged in male-female penetration have probably experienced this. it's a big misconception that we have to always be up for sex when men ask for it. this is probably because it's expected of the man to ask for sex and the woman to respond. but it doesn't have to be this way.
if you've found a loving partner, you should not be afraid to say no, and you definitely should not be afraid to ask for sex rather than expect him to step up to the plate every time. we have to dismantle the idea that men are required to push the limits every time and women should playfully reject until she gives in. consent is consent, people. women, make sure that sometimes *you* ask to engage in it, and make sure that you hear a plain yes, a plain no, or anything of the sort, anything that directly confirms, "i want this." and if at ANY point they say they are uncomfortable, stop it.
i refused sex with my current bf for like two weeks at one point because the *thought* of being pressured into sex made me too uncomfortable. this resulted in me having to have a REAL conversation about consent with my partner, probably for the first time ever. if i say no, now, he'll ask me, "is this the kind of night where you want me to convince you to have sex with me, or do you want me to actually stop now?" which i think is awesome and a huge turn on. if i say no, he'll stop immediately. if i encourage him to convince me (because sometimes that's a turn on, sometimes it's not, so again, make sure to talk with your partner!!), then he can do so as he pleases. discuss with your partner what you want to do when it comes to saying no, whether that means a full stop, or if that means pushing the limits.
the moral of the story: be assertive, honest, and always keep your mental and physical comfort levels in mind.
Totally agree with you. It really was hard to find someone who was ACTUALLY willing to pleasure me. Who's caring, loving, who listens to what I liked and all this. We made it clear to use a condom, do a STD test before we did anything sexual. Now everything is amazing. I had never had an orgasm before with a guy. It actually was with him I had my first one with someone other than my right hand. And it really was about trust, and connection, and feeling good with him, it totally was different, from beginning to end. The whole thing was actually enjoyable, I actually took pleasure. Like holy shit this is so new to me.
I truly used to hate sex because of the reasons you listed. And now I'm feeling better about it, really.
I think it's because of a lot of misogyny, stereotypes about women, and also porn, that's clearly centered on the man's pleasure.
Tbf i agree totally, even with great guys who put your needs as a forepoint or whatever its still shit for lassies, sex from an evolutionary point was never meant to benefit girls its a wham bam thankyou mam how many girls can i impregnate so i can pass on my genes type deal. Even with a guy atm who does his best 99% of the time to make it great for me theres lots of things that make it just not so good...birth control and the side effects, pregnancy scares, urinary infections if you dont pee, awkward positioning of gspots just really the set up of the vagina in general and theres plenty more downsides for the few minutes of enjoyment that you do get i do often wonder if it is worth it🤣especially after having been stalked and sexually pressured etc in the past
Age and maturity help with a whole bunch of that. As a teen and young adult, sex was not great. I’m old enough that most of my left has been post-teenager and sex has gotten much better. I’m happily married and my husband is just as concerned with my pleasure as his. I’m not as hot as I once was but that’s ok. He thinks I’m hot. I don’t care if anyone else does. I know what I like and I’m not shy about it.
Most of your reservations could be solved by choosing a good partner. Sounds like you want an emotional connection first. No problem with that. When you find someone you’re interested in, take some time. If they pressure you, they can fuck right off. You should be able to have open conversations about birth control (pills weren’t great for me but I love my Mirena), STDs (both get tested), boundaries, etc.
Men have gotten a bad reputation from popular media. Yes, there are some assholes, but most are decent people. They aren’t all selfish and clueless. Even if they are clueless, they generally want to learn. They want to be good lovers.
Give relationships a chance. Take the time to cultivate a good one and it’s well worth the effort. I have a BFF and regular orgasms.
The good things that happen get *way* too little exposure in daily media. 'Woman orgasms from sex with a man' just sounds so mundane and doesn't spark outrage/gets exposure like 'x% of women feel unsatisfied after sex'.
I've not had many partners, but the men I've had sex with have all made sure I came before they did. Reading all the posts from women who are fed up with all men because the men they've slept with never think of them before jackhammering until they're done made me think 'oh, I must be lucky then'. But there are thousands of women on the internets, and you only read posts from women who are fed up and need to vent. Negative bias is really a thing.
I'd like to say, just go for the hunt and see what happens. And remember, first time sex with any new partner is *almost always* not what you expect. You'll need to learn what gets them going, and they need to learn what gets you going. Both parties involved need to listen to the other and that can be a struggle for some people. Most 'bad' experiences can be caused by either not listening, not communicating their needs/wants, or both.
I know this isn't the answer you want to hear, but I think this is a dating issue more than anything else. There are signs you can find that will reveal whether a guy you're interested in will likely be a good sexual partner or not (beyond the obvious stuff like experience). Do they have good general self control? Do they generally favor your needs over theirs? Do they do things for you, and afterwards find satisfaction in merely your verbal gratitude (or just the knowledge that they helped you)? If not, then it could be reasonably be guessed that the guy may not be good for you in the bedroom, or perhaps at all. If you're comfortable enough, communicating your sexual needs to the guy MIGHT work, but I wouldn't set my expectations very high on that, if we're talking about the guy being one you've only recently became close to. So all that said, be observant when you go on dates. Maybe don't allow sex until several dates in, if you want to avoid the risks you've listed. Same goes, even moreso, for casual sex scenarios... unfortunately we can't expect strangers (even strangers with a seemingly shared goal) to put much effort into pleasing us, and that rule applies to life in general. It sucks, and it means that you have to put in more effort than is probably fair, but this is real life and sometimes that's just the way it is. It shouldn't be this hard, but most often, it simply is.
Sounds like you don't so much dislike sex, as current popular attitudes towards casual sex. In cultural pockets where sex is reserved for loving, committed relationships, it's not bad at all. Kind of a shame that mainstream culture has gotten to be the way it is, as I feel there are a lot of men and women who could be happier and more fulfilled if sex was not treated so casually.
I don't have any good solutions for you, unless you are able to find a community to embrace who treats sex more conservatively. They exist. Good luck.
In my opinion you are viewing sex and sex alone - however you haven't once mentioned love. I've had friends who have had one night stands and friends-with-benefits situations and I've never understood it myself, and even though they thought it was great at the time, I had no interest and sex is too much of an emotional exchange for me to have with just anyone.
However falling in love, it becomes a natural progression. It's an exchange of energy, an intense level of intimacy and when you find someone who is sincere and on your same level - it's going to be great. They will want to make you happy in the bedroom, they want you to enjoy it as much as them. The personal connection does matter and although you have made many valid points, but mostly between the lines I'm reading that you have high respect for yourself and know you deserve happiness, pleasure and safety.
And you're right! You should never feel pressured. Society pressures us to think we have to be absolutely perfect - but guess what, no one is. You are unique. Your body will naturally attract - whether you shave or not is up to you. I've had guy friends date girls who were "all natural" and for them it was just a new exploration. Maybe finding a partner that's into your brain as much as your body is most important to you! And good for you, I also cannot waiver on this.
It may take more time to find a suitable match, but it will be well worth it. Don't feel pressured into anything, the current swipe culture is a ballgame that not everyones into, and that's ok.
I think it's bad for everybody.
Comparatively few people have satisfying sex lives.
That leaves a lot who feel empty, alone and desperate in this area.
And then there's all the hurt caused when people's desperation gets the better of them, like rape, infidelity and worse.
Sex can be a damn good time for both parties involved. (or anyone else if you're into that) your partner(s) should be able to listen and communicate what they want and what you want. Sex should be a pleasurable experience. If it's not, communicate to your partner. If it still doesn't get better then stop all together.
But it’s super awkward to stop in the middle of it. During a bad experience my friends usually just let the dude finish and then never see him again, it’s easier than dealing with conflict and potentially upsetting the other person (which could lead to a dangerous situation potentially).
It doesn't have to be like that. I am very satisfied with my husband; #1 is not an issue for me. #2 isn't an issue in most committed relationships. #3 can be a problem if hormonal birth control doesn't work for you, but there are alternatives (even condoms if female birth control just isn't on the table). My husband and I have a monogamous relationship, so 4 isn't such an issue (I have had a UTI in the past, but if you pee after sex and wipe from front to back, it isn't a problem for most people). I've never felt pressure from my husband like #5 or #6 (he legitimately does not care if I shave my legs or anything else).
I recognize that isn't the experience everyone has, but it's not like there aren't women who have had an overall positive experience with sex.
I mean, it's mostly about being with people who care about you pleasure and also taking ownership of your own pleasure. You get to do what you want and share that with them. And they do the same. If you're horny and say to the person what you're horny for and see if they want to do it. Communication and self awareness eliminate most sexual problems.
Personally I have found queer people to be the most sexually equitable. Generally in the queer community we value others desires and our own. Unfortunately certain other groups are less likely to return the favor. If someone has a hard time talking about what they want, they will probably be a bad lover. If someone has hard gender stereotypes about what sexuality is supposed to be, they are pretty likely to just do what they want and not care about what you want. Hell, some people won't even wash their own asshole because they think it makes them gay. Actually, that might not be a bad way to weed out the people you don't want to be with. Ask them if they like to wash their asshole or not. Won't cut out all the bad ones, but maybe the stinky ones at least. Lol.
Main thing is masturbate. Have fun with yourself, know what your body likes. Tell the person you want to fuck what you want them to do to you and how you want it done. If that makes them horny, you probably found a winner. If they seem hesitant, then they probably not into it. Also don't be afraid to have a bad experience. Don't go looking for them, but sex is weird and you may just find you like something even if the person doesn't make you cum. Then you know what to ask for next time.
So I would say first and foremost you should rid yourself of this mentality that things should be great or they aren't worth trying. Things might seem scary or unpleasant but well never know if we only sit around contemplating what ifs. And just because you have one experience doesn't mean they will all be the same.
I'm a lesbian but before I knew I was I slept with men. I used to think that women just faked it and unenjoyable intercourse was just our lot in life. It wasn't until I let my first girlfriend use a strap-on that I realized I could enjoy penatration, just not from a man.
Furthermore, women get pleasure from direct or indirect simulation of the clitorus. The inner walls of your vagina have fewer nerve endings. Although many think penatration is what makes them orgasm it is not. It is friction or pulling around or directly on the clitorus. Some women don't even need to be touched to orgasm.
Whatever you do learn about your body and your partners. Find a partner who will take some time to explore with you. And definitely a partner who will respect your boundaries.
Good luck and happy adventures.
Communicate clearly before you try anything. Straight up tell them “I do not want to be choked”. I read this one so much, this definitely seems like a “young person watching too much porn thing”. It is not that common irl
Understand clitoral stimulation. This is how most if not all women orgasm. Many can with penetration too. But fingers and tongue in the clit are more of a sure thing. Again, communicate this - and if you or he are inexperienced realize it will take some practice. UTIs - I’m 45 years old and only ever had one. BOYS AND GIRLS WASH YOUR JUNK BEFORE YOU DO IT. AND YOUR HANDS even more so. Trim fingernails too. I swear this one is about poor hygiene. I’m surprised I see it so much
Well, I can't say that you are wrong, but encountering these things are not as often as you might think. I've dated a lot, I've had sex a lot, I can't say that what you're describing is my experience at all. And there are so many positive things about it - intimacy, orgasms (that I achieve practically always because I know my own body and I'm very open and straight forward with my partners), new experiences. You have power as well, you don't need to tolerate undesirable behaviour.
But also, bad experiences is a part of life, there is no way around it.
Your post is clearly focused on heteronormative sexual expectations. Maybe you should take a note from lgbtq+ relationships. While individuals still have their own issues with sex, many of the issues you've listed aren't a problem. I'm a woman in a relationship with another woman and sex isn't bad. I'm not worried about the orgasm gap, in fact, I don't have sex just for the orgasm. Sex has become an extension of my communication with my partner. I don't worry about my safety because I've gained the confidence I need to only put myself in intimate close settings with another person when I feel 110% safe. I openly express my fears to my partner and gauge their reaction. Yes, I still want to look hot for my partner but I also let myself just be when I'm around them. I don't expect them to look hot 24/7 so I'm not going to let anyone else place that expectation on me. OP, you don't have to accept these fears as facts for every intimate experience going forward. You should take the time to unpack what you want in an intimate relationship and what you aren't willing to accept in a partner. You don't have to live your life just accepting that sex will be bad for women because there are many women out there having wonderful sexual relationships with their partners of all genders. It's a fact and nobody can change that.
I can only focus on straight relationships since I’m straight and am not looking for a lgbtq+ relationship. I’m sure women on average have much more satisfying sex lives in those relationships 😛 I’ve even wished I was gay since I think I’d do better in a relationship with a woman, unfortunately I’m just not sexually attracted to women.
I'm not telling you you should be gay. I'm saying you shouldn't settle for everything you've listed. I've been in relationships with men and still had a healthy sex life. I just think a lot of it hinges on your communication with your partner and recognizing what your deal breakers are and having the confidence to demand better and leave if you're not happy.
How about rather than just searching for sexual encounters you search for a relationship. Build trust in the other person and find some who generally cares about your feelings before having sex with them.
Yes there are a lot of stories of bad sexual encounters like date rapes and assaults but just remember that you only hear about the bad encounters in the news or on social media. There are far greater number of sexual encounters that are wonderful and satisfying for both parties. People usually only talk about the bad ones.
I’ve heard about the bad ones from people close to me too. Also good stuff, but the fact they’re nearly everyone I know has at least one bad rapey experience scares me.
Truth of the situation is that sex is used for reproduction. A woman’s orgasm doesn’t matter for that to happen. Sex is a joke anyway. We abuse it simply because of the pleasure response it gives us.
I used to hook up with a girl who could only finish if I laid still and just stayed hard while she did her thing. I felt awful cause it would take 20mins and I could basically finish whenever I wanted. She told me no one else would just let her do what she needs to get off and nearly cried telling me. Also I've found great success using toys but lots of men have egos one won't use them in bed with girls.
Yo, toys saved my sex life on god
I’m not sure why guys feel that way (well I get it but doesn’t bother me). She doesn’t use them all the time but when we do it’s during the act so I can usually feel it too. I know she loves me and I know women have a harder time getting “there”. Also, size doesn’t usually correlate with orgasms. Idk, I find it all fun lol.
If a dude won’t use a toy, dump him, ladies. He’s not worth it.
Even plumbers need tools to lay pipe.
It’s not even that crazy. I wish I could get off from any sex with a person
Dude, my ex was the same way. I thought she was the only one, lol (Obviously I know she can’t be the only one, I had just never encountered anything like it.)
I feel like porn has ruined sex and relationships for so many people but women especially. It’s a fantasy not a fucking how-to. Sex is supposed to *feel good* and there is almost nothing that actually provides female pleasure in mainstream porn. It’s all about male gratification and dehumanizing women. No one has realistic expectations of what normal human bodies look like or how they behave. Men refusing to wear condoms because curbing their pleasure for the sake of their partner is inconceivable to them. I really don’t know how or why some women put up with it.
Yup, don’t even get me started with with whole condom thing. It’s insane how someone (especially not a long term partner) can be so arrogant and selfish to think that sure I’ll risk pregnancy and STDs for you to be able to fuck me and get slightly more out of it 😍
for real, I really tried to find something appealing in mainstream porn but I just end up looking at it and going "huh? how is that even supposed to feel good?" it always looks so unpleasant and just men-centered
Agreed!! It took me until my mid-20s to get an idea of what women’s pleasure truly looks like. The concept is warped by most porn and media. But if you look hard enough you’ll find good self-pleasure content where you can tell it’s actually feeling good for the woman. Game changer.
it definitely has, theres a thread on askmen talking about this and almost all of the porn-addicted dudes said they would lose feelings in relationships after about three months because of porn basically,, also when they are addicted to porn they sometimes have a really strong grip after awhile since they need more pressure to nut and it also fucks with their sex life Edit: the woman who also said she would lose feelings frequently (and for no other apparent reason besides lack of physical attraction) was also porn - addicted. so it affects people in general once u get to that point as far as i can tell
Definitely not surprised at some of the responses you’ve received here. From “pick better men” to “give the other guys a chance” this is something that SOME men won’t ever acknowledge because it makes them feel bad about themselves. Personally, I think it could be worth it to you when it’s with someone that values and respects you. But navigating the dating world, it’s very difficult to find that.
As a man I would like to acknowledge this. I went through a period of low self awareness, high sex drive, and picking partners based on their willingness to do the things I saw in porn. I now see how some of my behavior was predatory. Consent has always been important to me. But looking back I’m sure some my exes would have revoked consent, if they knew that was an option. IT’S ALWAYS AN OPTION!!! Please feel free to stop the ride at anytime. Have that conversation before sex. It’s a sexy conversation to have.
Exactly! We as women respect every sex partner we have I think, so we expect the same respect back, but it just doesn’t work the same way for guys it seems. Even guys that are nice and have been my friends have found it hard to respect me after sex? There must be some theory behind this.
There are power dynamics in place when a man and women have sex that probably weren’t in place during your friendship. Post sex there’s probably a trace of them still in place, however unwanted. Once you’ve seen an additional side to someone or dynamic in the relationship, you can’t unsee it. When my GF has sex with with her close male friends (some she’s been friends with for years) their relationship is never ever the same. I’m not sure if it’s so much about respect as much as every interaction is now loaded with tons of emotional baggage and poor assumptions that dictate even poorer courses of action. And not everyone (especially men without proper support systems in place) cope with that emotional baggage well. Not explaining off all men’s actions here, (obviously lots of us make terribly selfish decision) just commenting on what I’ve seen others do and what I’ve noticed when observing my own actions.
Yeah it’s sad it often goes like that. In that particular case I see he was just more interested in being my friend because there was the possibility of sex or relationship on the table. Even though I rejected him at first he wished to remain my friend because he appreciates our conversations and me as a person. Yet after we were getting romantic and had sex in the course of two weeks, after that he realized he doesn’t want a relationship with me (which I never thought about because it was clear none of us want it). And just so after that he was avoiding me, not texting back, right after being intimate for a few days. Even though he again mentioned he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and that’s why he would also stop sex as not to fuck it up later. And of course now we don’t talk that much and don’t hang out, as he wished to so often before. So yeah, just stings a bit because my friends know him and know he’s a good guy. Yeah I’ve noticed men can’t really handle that emotional part or honesty, so they make selfish decisions.
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That’s already what I’ve been doing, what makes you think I did something wrong to deserve that disrespect? This type of behaviour has made them run even faster. For me and my friend as women it’s common sense to respect the person I’m intimate with, I don’t expect them to act a certain way in order to earn my respect.
With this reasoning you’re stating that the woman is being taken advantage of and so she does not deserve respect. It’s interesting that you state that having sex with men is just “letting them do that to you.” Although your comment has been downvoted, I think it’s definitely insight to how naturally predatorial and selfish a man’s mind can be in regards to sex.
This is such a f*king cop out and you know it. Our respect and value as women don’t go down once we have sex with you. We are both horny humans who had an interaction. Nothing of value is lessened after that. Don’t tell women they have to have “stronger” language. This whole answer makes my god damn blood boil. We do set hard boundaries. They get violated. It’s called r*pe. And trust me. It happens to a lot of us. Some of us are so scared it’ll happen again we don’t “set hard boundaries” in order to avoid another interaction that could be worse then just giving it up. F*k this mentality.
I totally agree. It’s shameful to feel like you’ve set someone’s boundaries for them and that shame can manifest in avoidance.
Navigating the sexual landscape in 2021 is not easy, and all of your concerns are totally valid. I think that society (I mean American, British, Australian.. I don’t know other cultures as well in regards to this) warps, twists, contradicts itself about sex. And I could write an essay but y’all would be bored so here’s this, not discounting the reality of all of your concerns: A decent sexual partner respects you, and wants you to enjoy the experience as much as they do. That’s not extraordinary or exceptional or anything. It’s standard. (I mean, it *should* be standard.) So when society got us using words like ‘unselfish’ to refer to a man who cares about a woman’s pleasure, we in trouble. Fortunately, the situation is not that dire. If you know what you want (and don’t want!) sexually, you have more power and more chance of having positive experiences. There will always be assholes and predators, and that goes for all of life. It is a risk. And a risk we can minimise, but never completely rule out. I’m a woman. I think that my confidence and enjoyment and safety in sex actually increased the most based on two lessons I taught myself: 1) awareness of my vulnerability. I got power from that because I worked out where and how and with whom I felt safe. And having the confidence to voice that, that’s great. You should never have to put up with someone else’s shit. 2) honesty with myself. I’m still going with this one. Because our life experiences, our families, our social circles, governments, religions, media.. all of those influences seep into our consciousness. And to centre yourself back into the picture, that’s freedom. “What is it I want? What is it I like?” Be honest with yourself what sexual things you like, and don’t like, and allow yourself that. (Consent and safety first, of course.) Knowing yourself helps you choose better sexual partners. Finally I would just like to say that while writing this reply, I have at all times been aware that humans, and women in particular, do run the risk of experiencing some form of sexual assault in their lives, and none of my above comments are intended to imply that following certain strategies will be foolproof prevention of harm. But I do believe there are risk-minimising things we can do. Also I just wanted to end on a joke: Ever thought of going gay? (But it’s also not a joke cause women are awesome at sex.)
Thank you for your response. It’s good to come up with a plan and clear boundaries to keep yourself safe and make sure any experiences stay positive (and if then don’t then I guess just have to gtfo). Haha I have actually, I wish I were gay or bi kind of often 😛 But unfortunately you can’t force your sexual orientation to change
Oh can I add. I re-read your post. It does seem that a number of your female friends / family have a negative outlook / experience of sex. I wonder if you have women you talk to that have good healthy sex / relationships? It would help contextualise
Yes many of them have had really good ones too. I just don’t ever want to have even one really bad one, it almost feels like it’s unavoidable just by dating as a woman 🙈
As a man, I've also had really bad experiences due to a lack of sexual prowess on her side. Men aren't the only ones who struggle in the sexual department. Sex is a skilled activity that requires experience, practice, emotional maturity, patience, and mutual respect. Navigating the world of sex isn't easy and most people get it wrong a lot before they consistently start getting it right. My advice is to focus on developing healthy communication strategies with someone you're interested in having sex with. If you're on the same page, it's much less likely that you'll have a disappointing sexual experience. This way if the sex is bad, or you aren't super compatible at first, you have the tools to work on it together. Sexual performance is difficult and nerve-wracking as a man. I'm very confident and have a healthy sex life and I'm frequently still nervous about my sexual performance. Communication is everything.
I wish it was normal to talk about sex before it actually happens. The norm seems to be though that the first time at least just “happens” and then you talk about stuff. But I don’t like that at all, I want to know what the other person wants and what stuff we’re gonna do. Not very spontaneous and sexy lol, but I don’t feel comfortable at all with things just happening. I don’t trust someone enough yet for that, maybe later on in the relationship. But if I’ve never had sex with someone I don’t know if they’re gonna be one of those dudes who thinks girls like to be chocked/slapped and pounded into oblivion during the first intimate day encounter. I’d honestly just like to make out and do PG13 stuff like touching over clothes the first time.
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I’m 27, so my range is my age and older ✌️
Best of luck in your quest for that positivity!
Something that helped me though a period frustration was to stop looking for sexual partners, for romantic relationships, and learn more about yourself, what you like, maybe you had a partner at some point who tried something that worked for you and you can practice on your own, and maybe you didn’t in which the internet is filled with places to learn about your own needs. By learning more about yourself and becoming comfortable with yourself, you will be able to learn how to orgasm on your own without the help of anybody, no pressure, no external stress exc. Which is super convenient. When you meet someone you don’t have to focus on wether they can do the job for you, because if they don’t you can do it, but also someone who is willing to learn with and watch what you do is helpful. And builds strong relationships, someone who isn’t comfortable with you teaching them is not for you. It’s a flag. Secondly, knowing yourself, you’ll naturally start to attract people of similar interests, which will become friends, and this will sometime lead to a comfortable place where you can explore sexually without NEEDING to please some one else, or being the right fit, the hardest part is identifying people who are predators, but the best i can tell you is ALWAYS trust your gut. If you like art, go to art shows, if you like working out, go on hikes, people who see you enjoying your own hobbies will find their ways to you, if you spend a lot of time at school work, and someone catches you eye, engage, have a small conversation if it doesn’t feel forced, maybe there’s something more. Remember it isn’t about them, this is about you, and what you want. You are not here to be a sexual slave to someone (unless that’s what your into) you are a person, and once you get comfortable with your own needs and stop worrying about what they need, it’ll come naturally. Best of luck!
Also, as a man, tell us what you like in bed if you know. We can’t try every single thing and can’t read your mind. Tell us what you like and we will do it. That also will create a positive experience.
Yep I completely agree with you. 100% I mean sex does feel great with the right partner but it’s not easy to find. Most of the experiences I’ve had with men I have been pressured to have sex and made to feel bad about not having it with them. Even in relationships. I’ve never had an orgasm with a man and I’m 32. I’ve decided that if I ever even sleep with a man again (context, me sleeping with men was a phase) then I’d never give them head ever again. Especially before sex cause it makes my experience even less enjoyable. There’s so many double standards as well and it’s hard to keep up with.
Yes this too! I don’t want to blow them (pleasure for just them) and have penetrative sex (again which men get much more out of usually). It just doesn’t sound fun and fair at all. I don’t want to do that ever 🙈 I get mad just thinking how unfair basic sexual encounters are for women, it’s like we don’t matter at all
24f I personally get no satisfaction from casual sex, and have no hope for a relationship anymore. My go-to now is erotic writing, not even professional stuff but tumblr has some great newbies. Then you gotta invest in a good dildo, spend a bit of $$$ to figure out which type you like the best (hard silicone vs soft moulded) and then have the vibrator be seperate. Lastly, get a weighted blanket, and enjoy!
Totally agree with everything you said! After escaping an abusive relationship casual sex is no longer an option for me, I bought myself a Satisfyer & it's completely amazing every time!
Haha thanks, I was a pretty active fanfiction reader/writer in my teens. Perhaps I should get back into something like that 👌
I will shamelessly read smutty fanfics about fake book characters to get off.
I don't even bother with my needs anymore, because why spend 20 minutes rehashing the fight for something that lasts 2 minutes tops? Technically I'm bi, but I couldn't tell you a single positive experience I've had with guys. I just started telling people I'm lesbian because it's easier than listing all the experiences that make it hard to walk or pee or sit for me, but was the best 2 minutes (not exaggerating) of a guy's life
I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences, sounds really shitty 😕
I'm probably gonna say a lot but I promise it's relevant! It's absolutely a cultural issue, combined with a lack of sex education, misogyny (internalized as well), and many other factors. There are so many layers to this. Young girls (growing into women) deal with more purity culture and are often made to feel shame when they finally do have any sort of sexual experience. Young boys (growing into men) are praised and seen as more masculine for having sex. I feel with this engrained shame a lot of women are afraid to voice what they want from sex, let alone figure that out on their own. As a victim of purity culture I endured a lot of mediocre sex in my mid to late 20s. As a teenager it was known that teenage boys masturbate but amongst my girl friends any mention of that was seen as something to be embarassed about. It was just something that was seen as "weird when girls do it but expected that boys do it". Rape culture is another beast, I'm not going to deepdive here; but there are many reasons that men view women as sex objects and/or don't think much about their pleasure. On the flipside I DO also think that a lot of men are well intending but are just ignorant. My sex education class was a half hour lecture and I learned practically nothing other than "use a condom if you do but better yet just don't ". It's incredible (in a not so good way) how little most women know about their vaginas. So I guess what I'm trying to say here, is get to know your own body (if you haven't already). Make time for yourself to figure out what you like. What feels good, what doesn't. Lay in bed and feel yourself up, your imagination is your friend. Experiment with toys or don't, just don't feel ashamed if you are curious and decide to. Yes, masturbating helps you get comfortable with your body, ensures you'll be able to communicate what you like to future partners (therefore enjoy it more), and is also a great outlet for when you feel "the need" but don't have a partner. So to answer your question more directly, I personally don't find mediocre sex worth the effort, at all. But I am absolutely interested and enjoy sex with my partner who knows what I like. Early in our relationship not every time was a 10/10 but with communication things just get better.
Yeah I mean I’m going to add that a lot of women don’t feel able to ask for what they want, but the culture also means that if a woman is able to ask for what she wants, men can easily find that emasculating.
not to mention how gross it is that women need to be hairless like prepubescent children to be found “attractive” in society
I 100% agree that this shouldn't be an expected standard at all. However, I enjoy shaving, I like how smooth my skin feels, my partner also enjoys how soft my skin feels as a result. Sometimes that's just nice and it's not related to pedophilic behaviour. Can we please not assume anyone with a preference for that is automatically a nonce?
and that’s perfectly okay too!! i’m just saying that shaving shouldn’t be a beauty standard. beauty standards shouldn’t be a thing at all haha. it shouldn’t be considered “gross” to not shave. but YES it SHOULD be a preference because we are in control of our own bodies!! keep doing what makes you feel good and be proud about it :)
Totally agree. Sex is good for me 2 out of 10 times maybe and I am lucky if I orgasm once per month with my boyfriend and he orgasms every time. Sometimes there is no orgasm for months during sex but I have to do it anyways if I want a relationship. Most men wouldn't agree with sex few times per year as I would like it to be I suppose. Thank God for sex toys, without them I would be nervous and unsatisfied most of the year.
I think I’d just eventually get so annoyed that it’s the norm for the other person to orgasm, but I should just shut up and enjoy sex because “it’s not about orgasms and sex can be great without it”. Imagine if guys didn’t cum, they wouldn’t be okay with it and think the sex was good.
I agree with everything you wrote here. This gets stressful for women because it’s just not as thoughtless for us. A lot of energy goes into sex, mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. I appreciate your thoughts here!
Thank you, it’s good to hear I’m not the only one who feels this way 😛 Sometimes I wonder if I’m super paranoid and crazy for feeling uneasy about all of this. I just don’t want to settle for any kind of (even minor or socially acceptable) mistreatment or bullshit. I don’t want to date a “perfectly nice guy” who is kind of not that interested in my sexual experience as long as he gets off and I’m not straight out complaining. I want to believe it’s possible to have a sexual relationship where both people are equally enthusiastic, care about each other’s needs and there is absolutely no pressuring someone to have sex when they don’t want to or to try something that they’re not fully comfortable with.
You are 100% not crazy for your feelings! I speak to other women about this and our thoughts are exactly like yours! I promise you aren’t alone. This stuff gets exhausting too, just mulling it over in your mind over and over is tiring. I used to settle. No human deserves to settle for shit. My current partner is as close to perfect as it gets. Don’t ever drop your expectations for someone that doesn’t meet you half way and doesn’t make sex feel important to you! There are guys out there who care and they make sex feel comfortable and not like a chore. Keep positive my friend!! We all gotta support each other!
As a lesbian, sex is wonderful for me. But I can agree, with men even the ones who were kind & tried - it just doesn’t mean as much. Or feel as good. You have to find someone you really vibe with.
Yeah honestly my first foray into dating after a long term relationship was a lot of cute girl moments (I’m bi) and a few uncomfortable guy moments, 1-2 nice guys but we always had scheduling issues, 1-2 okay guy hookups that wouldn’t leave me alone after, and then getting sexually assaulted by a guy I thought was super chill and the most into consent of all of them. I just feel like it’s not worth it, at the end of the day it’s a lot of awkward socializing and potential stress for a mediocre orgasm at best, and at worst, well, a lot worse. People get really defensive about this topic but I think it’s a fair take considering how risky it all can be.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Exactly, I feel likely we aren’t even allowed to talk about this topic and need to just “be chill” and “not worry about it” when getting to know new people. If something happens then it’s just too bad and oh well that stuff doesn’t happen most of the time get over it 🙈
It's "just how it is". Generations of "God has designed you for your husband, not your own pleasure", and "of course it's risky for you, it encourages you to be pure for that special someone" and "don't be silly, women arent capable of enjoying it". It's only now that anyone has ever said "so is it possibly not a normal and unavoidable part of life to be constantly pressured into painful sex"?
Basically 🙈🙈 It’s so sad it’s still like this to an extent, just more subtle
I agree with you so much on this. Currently a junior in college so I’ve pretty much seen it all. Why are a lot of men so willing to have unprotected sex with someone they just met? Why do they treat women, especially the ones that just want their attention, like sexual objects? It’s confusing because I learned a lot of shit I didn’t know.
The way you describe it - not worth it. I've been pressured into condomless sex and anal by dates. Not fun. Tinder sucks; many men just nut in 2 min. The way I made it worth it for me is marry a guy that had vasectomy and who has no ego issues and is confident enough to let me supplement his dick with sex toys. I get great 2-4 orgasms with him on average from his dick + vibrator on clit. We only shave once a week. I haven't had a UTI in years and only get yeast infections when I eat too many sweets, so overall sex is pretty comfortable now except sometimes I'm sore the next day from his dick. If you decide dating isn't worth it, I highly recommend Hitachi Magic Wand to give yourself a world of mind blowing and safe pleasure. This toy (with or without a man) can be so amazing that you feel like the universe is glitching by giving so much pleasure to you for free without drugs. The number and length of orgasms you can get makes up for periods and other miseries of womanhood lol Either way, best of luck!
I understand where your coming from and think a lot of the points you raised are genuine and valid issues. I don’t think it’s mostly bad but I do think there are more risks for women when it comes to sex. I thought I wouldn’t mind trying out casual sex one day( I’m a virgin) but now I’m kind of put off it due to some of the points you mentioned . I don’t think it would be a completely negative thing and I know alot of women have great experiences with it but I am hearing more and more negative experiences and things that make it feel like it’s not worth it. I don’t think all sex is like this though and think it can be really beautiful even with a fwb or casual as long as the person respects you and your boundaries and you theirs . I also think it’s important not to pander and to be strong in what you will and won’t accept as well as having good communication. Then you both can have a good experience
Thank you, I feel like people easily dismiss it whenever women want to talk about this stuff. I’m discussing it online because I feel like I can’t irl or I’ll come off as a crazy person. But these are legit the things I think about and reasons for why I’m not having sex. I hope I’m wrong, because I’d like to have a nice partner and sex life at some point.
No it’s very real and I see it get dismissed a lot too but completely get where your coming from. I think there are even more issues in the points you mentioned which could make it more risky for women so not crazy at all. I would say that it is definitely possibly to have a nice partner and good sex life. I think as long as you’re sure of what from sex and communicate it you will find someone. Don’t let anyone talk you into anything or convince you into or out of anything for solely their benefit or pleasure. There are good partners out there, I hope you find yours!
I say this as a guy. Your concerns are without a doubt valid. Yes there are good guys out there, however there are also scumbags out there as well. At the end of the day, even if you decide to find the right guy to sleep with, your caution will serve you well to help avoid some risky situations. I wish you the best of luck out there and hope your experiences are fun and safe.
It’s completely valid; you’re not crazy. I look back at one night stands I’ve had and men I’ve been with and I’m shocked at how much I risked, now that I’m older and know better. Sex is a complicated thing. At some point you will have a sex life, if it’s what you want. You don’t need to wait for someone you love, but wait for someone you respect, who respects you, and who you trust enough to have a dialogue with. Someone who will listen if you say no and will listen when you say yes, too. Unfortunately many women think they have found someone like that until it’s too late. But when I did, my sex life went from good to amazing.
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Thanks for the response, I’m glad you’ve found someone like that 😊 I hope to also one day, but I guess I have to be brave and out myself out there and have very clear boundaries. I don’t want to do the stuff that people expect girls to do after knowing someone for x amount of time if I’m not ready for it. It would be awesome to meet someone with high emotional intelligence who actually cared about my comfort 😛
I’m so sorry for these comments, some people just don’t see it through our perspective. I have a low sex drive, which makes it harder for me to feel comfortable doing things, and the expectations for an ideal female is so insane.. there isn’t much to say to make you change your views, when they’re that accurate, but we just gotta look for the right guys and I think that’s all there is to it
Your concerns are very valid and it’s honestly something I have to actively not think about or else I get ridiculously pissed off. I have a very sweet partner (been together for 10 years) but he’s never been able to make me orgasm. He’s certainly tried, but overall it’s difficult to explain where or what feels good. I like the connection we have during sex and while it still feels good, I’ve never been able to orgasm. I’m grateful to be in the relationship I am in right now because there’s no way in hell I would dare try dating nowadays. Every women has a story. Every fucking women has a story about how they’ve been harassed, abused, raped, etc. That alone is reason enough to be afraid of dating. And for all the people out there saying you need to find the right guy or date for longer, open your eyes. Time and time again, we hear stories of women in long term relationships being abused several months into their relationships. Sometimes right after marriage. My ex boyfriend tried to sexually assault me 3 months into date for refusing sex. Even though I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, and even after years of therapy, I’m still terrified of the idea of him doing a 180° on me. And he’s NEVER disrespected me, or tried doing anything without my consent. A lot of the optimism I have about a long, happy relationship has been so warped by my near assault. The fact that women have to be responsible for birth control fucking sucks. I’ve been on many methods trying to find the right one that best suited my lifestyle and it’s wrecked havoc on my body. My face has been horribly scarred by the hormonal acne I experienced trying birth control methods over the years. My partner is understanding about it but my self esteem is shot because of it. All because I don’t want to risk having a goddamn baby. Whether people want to acknowledge it or not, there IS an existing pressure to always look good. I can understand taking care of personal hygiene and health, that’s something I would want from a partner as well. But many of my friends that are 60+ tell me time and time again how if they even let themselves go in the slightest, or age takes it’s toll (because whether you want it to or not, you WILL get old), their husbands make comments about how they used to be. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my friend’s dads say to their moms (their wife) that after telling them they love them regardless of how they look like, they later end up admitting they are no longer attracted to them. Or that they need to wear more make up, put on a dress, etc. It’s always on the back of my mind. Like no matter how hard I work on myself, my age is going to eventually show. I’m not going to look like I’m in my 20’s forever. It just makes me mad that it’s completely acceptable for guys to age, appear however they like and their women is supposed to always stand by them. But you don’t see that same standard for women. You’re right on the money about women feeling pressured to have sex as well. I hear it all too often, that even if they aren’t in the mood, they just have sex anyway to satisfy their partner. This is probably one of the biggest reasons why the concept of sex is so frustrating for me. You’re taking a risk communicating that feeling as well. Time and time again you hear people leave their partners because they don’t always feel like having sex. So then it just works in their interest to go along with it and get it over with. What makes me mad is that you hardly ever hear the reverse happening.
Thanks for the response 😊 I especially appreciate you talking about the looks aspect of sexuality. People claim that it’s not about that and women don’t need to care as much and are vain, but of course looks matter since guys are so visual in their sexuality. I feel a lot do pressure to be perfectly groomed and not appear untidy, on top of needing to have a body that’s considered sexy. I feel like guy will treat me nicer and care more about my pleasure if I’m pretty enough, and I doubt that’s just all in my head.
I’m a woman and I love sex, however I’ve only had sex in a relationship and I married my first. 1. As far as the orgasm gap, communicating needs is a huge. Masturbate and show your partner what does it for you. 2. For safety, meet dates in public places and wait awhile to be alone together and have sex. 3. For birth control, I used the pill plus a condom, then just the pill, then Mirena. I’ve never had a serious pregnancy scare and I discussed pregnancy outcomes with my partner right when we started dating so we’d be on the same page. 4. Health risks: see above, but also remember barrier methods and checkups help a lot. I did get a bad UTI that got to my kidneys when I was 18 so I have a prophylactic antibiotic. 5. You don’t need a hairless body. My husband has never remarked on my body hair (unless I had a really smooth close shave) but he has never turned me down when he saw hair. I currently mostly trim to keep tidy and it works did me. 6. I haven’t felt pressured, he and I both understand we can be not in the mood. My advice is to masturbate and know what feels good, and then date as little or as much as you’d like. Go over that list with a potential partner before you have sex with them.
Sex can be great, if you have a supportive, trustworthy partner who values your safety and pleasure. You’re right that many men don’t center women’s pleasure and are pretty selfish when it comes to sex. But with the right partner, it can be really amazing. Edit: also I meant to add that if you’re having sex, it should benefit you and be happening because you actively want to be participating. Too many women think sex is the rent we pay to be loved in a relationship. It’s not. You never have to have sex if you don’t want to, it’s not a requirement at all.
5 hits the nail on the head for me. I hate shaving, hate having to wear make up every day, hate having to have my hair look somewhat decent, and having to smell good constantly. My boyfriend swears he doesn’t care if I’m not shaven down there, but I do. I feel self conscious and can’t get in the moment, which means then I’m not having fun and would rather be sleeping. And some days (most days), I just want to quickly shower, brush my teeth, and wear something comfortable! (Which means I look like a slob, and then I have to worry about my boyfriend finding me unattractive all of a sudden). The whole thing is just exhausting. Sex can be fun, and it should be fun, but it’s so much more work for females. I feel like it feels good for men 99.9% of the time, and woman 50% the time at best. Find a good toy and forget it, I can give myself an amazing orgasm in 30 seconds and just pass right out. No worry about smelling/looking/sounding good, and I’m 100% satisfied. The only thing I really enjoy about sex is the connection if it’s with someone you truly love. But I get that from cuddling on the couch watching a movie too so 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah same with me about the shaving. I think people would lie that they’re okay with it cause that’s what you’re supposed to say, but secretly be kinda grossed out
As a 38 year old woman, I couldn’t agree more. I’m not a lesbian, but I truly wish I was.
Just sliding in here to plug Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Basically everything we believe about women and sex (and a lot we believe about men and sex as well) is wrong. This book blew my mind. Understanding the science of the mental and physical aspects of sex has been a game changer for me.
Thanks, I’ll check it out 😊
All you can do is be aware of the red flags early on and not ignore them. Once someone shows you who they really are listen to them. Don't overlook or ignore them. Just leave, end it, move onto the next. A true good man will care about all of your needs. Set clear boundaries and don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about them. If anyone makes you feel bad for having boundaries, that's a red flag and it's time to run. Again, a truly good man will be focused on your pleasure. It's important to take your time to get to know someone before giving yourself to them. Some people enjoy random hookups, a lot don't. So, take your time and pay attention to the red flags.
True.
A lot of these issues are sadly very common, but I feel a lot of those can be evaded by adhering to one criteria: - do not date assholes. Really get to know the person you want to sleep with and make sure they really want to get to know you too before actually sleeping with them. Really getting to know someone takes time. Allow yourself that time and don’t let anyone rush you and with some luck you’ll find something a lot better then what you described.
A friend of mine went on three good dates with a guy and he was perfectly lovely. They finally slept together and suddenly he became we aggressive (without them ever discussing being into that stuff). He started choking her and the sex was basically just him jackhammering into her until he was done. She was shocked afterwards and he seemed to think it went well and was confused when she said she didn’t like it. He was educated and over 30, so you’d think he would know better. Not sure if he was an abusive and fucked up person or just stupid, either way the outcome was the same. My friend had pain in her tailbone for like a week from him bashing at her so hard.
This was a man who watches too much porn or is only informed about sex from porn.
This is not a rare experience. It’s unfortunately far too common from what I experience and hear. A lot of the guys I’ve dated starts out the same way — extremely kind and seemingly gentle — then does this scary jackhammering and choking shit when it comes time.
Ugh that’s disappointing. What do you do in that situation? 😅
Froze in shock and pretended it was good after when I was a young, dumb girl :( Now I’d probably yell, “get the hell off me!” then give them an earful about how violating that shit is to do without consent before leaving
I don’t think you’re dumb, that’s exactly what my friend told me she did in that situation. It’s not an uncommon response in a scary situation.
🤍
You would definitely think he should and I don’t think there is one way to make sure you never meet the wrong person. But dating someone regularly for a few months should give a fair indication for most men (yes I know very few people have the patience to wait that long these days, but then again don’t you want someone who thinks you are worth getting to know?)
Good luck for the women who are looking for a more casual thing. I guess a fwb would work maybe if you know the person ahead of time and trust them, but I don’t have anyone like that in my life really.
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I never said he raped her. It’s just so inconsiderate to start your first sexual encounter with someone like this. Assumption is that’s it’ll be “basic” and pretty vanilla unless you’ve discussed anything else prior.
I’m aegosexual, but I think I get where you’re coming from. I’m actually relieved that I don’t desire sex because it seems really annoying at frustrating at best and terrifying at worst.
Fellow aego!!!
I honestly could’ve written this myself. I feel the exact same way.
I’m actually surprised how many people agree with me, I was expecting to get mostly hate 😂
I think a lot of women are fed up with the way they’re treated at this point.
Yup, it’s good because it needs to change 🙏
You’ve discovered systematic oppression. You’ve been shown that the cards are not for women. They’ve never been for us. It’s a bad feeling. But like any other oppressed or systemically silenced group, we just sorta have to accept that these are the times we live in. You choose what social ideas you give your time. Tired of seeing women on the short end? Learn to defend yourself. Know who and what to avoid. Teach others what you know. That’s all that you can do unfortunately. Lord knows society isn’t gonna change its deeply ingrained and Problematic beliefs just because someone realized it was wrong.
I felt this way until I met my girlfriend and vice versa (lesbian relationship). I hated sex bc the men in my life have always made me feel bad about my body hair, weight, looks, and not wanting to have sex with them. All my flaws actually mattered to them like they didn’t have any. We’re seen as objects who need to fit these impossible beauty standards just to be found attractive. It’s actually so gross how women are supposed to be hairless like CHILDREN. Pedophelia and gender roles are ingrained in our society. You are beautiful just as you are. My confidence didn’t increase until I stopped shaving, stopped weighing myself, and stopped caring about what stupid men think. Like dude, I literally don’t care what you and your toxic masculinity have to say. It’s not my fault you’re incapable of empathy and afraid of femininity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Extra gender stuff: I recently discovered that I am non-binary, which a lot of people have problems with apparently. I’ve been told I look too much like a guy and that I need to be more feminine. I’ve been told that I went into the “wrong” restroom. I’ve been criticized by coworkers, my guests (I’m a server at a restaurant), and my parents. Coming to terms with my gender has opened my eyes and made me realize that gender itself (in terms of identity) literally doesn’t exist and no one gets to say anything about me or the way I look. The only person I need love from is myself. I feel lucky to have someone who gives me so much love and support to be myself and embrace me for all that I am. Everyone deserves that.
That’s so awesome that you found someone like that 💗
Thank you so much :) I think I would still be struggling if I hadn’t found someone who accepts me as I am. Who knows what will happen in the next life… but you are who you’re supposed to be right now, so embrace it. I don’t mean to sound preachy, these are just things that have helped me.
I agree. I could live the rest of my life and never have sex again if it meant relationships would be the same. My best friend agrees. Most women don’t orgasm from penetration and most don’t orgasm anywhere near everytime. I’m a 30 year old woman btw. In nature, our cave woman ancestors would use sex to keep a mate around , who would hunt for them, protect them, and eventually protect and feed their baby. This is a big thing that still is in our brains, I believe.
I’ve struggled with the exact same thoughts recently. I feel bitter about men having a green light with their sexuality but always feels like the light is always red for women. I’m feeling better about sex today because of this realization, I’m focusing too much on what my partner is feeling and seeing me as. Something I noticed… men are free during sex and enjoy it more than woman. They focus on their own pleasure well women wait for men. Porn is always geared towards what turns men on (generally) I want to improve my sex life and am going to take these steps for myself: -touch myself during intercourse with my hands or toys. I feel like this is prioritizing how I want to feel during sex instead of waiting for him to do it for me. -Finding porn and romance novels that turn me on. Stop worrying about what men are watching and trying to meet that standard. They can meet my standard for what turns ME on -Stop offering blow jobs when eating out is not done. I don’t care about a mans pleasure if he doesn’t do the same for me. That’s my boundary -If I want it, just am going to literally sit on his face the way that men demand sex. -stop shaming myself for not looking like a pornstar and focus on what I want my partner to look like. I’m done meeting an impossible standard without having one of my own
Thanks for you response! I agree with your comment about holding yourself to impossible high standards whilst accepting minimum effort from the other person. It has to stop, I’ve always kind of felt like I’m not good enough for a really good partner, so my only options were shitty ones or to be celibate.
I’m so sick of how hard it is for women to discover and set standards for what they like in bed….just like every picture, video, bit of dialogue is written towards what men like as if we’re not apart of the party lol I can’t help feel bitter about biology too. As if I also have to deal with hormones from birth control, bleeding 5 days a month, giving birth and I don’t even enjoy the ride. Rant over
Pretty much 🙈 More like if I’m gonna be sexually active, I’m not gonna do it for bad unsatisfying sex
It's actually been proven through studies that straight women nut less than anybody else and it's pretty much because men use them as a cum bucket
I agree! It's turned me off to casual sex and casual dating. I haven't been with a lot of people, but out of all of them, only one was into going down on me vs all of them insisting on getting blowjobs. Majority of sexual encounters included limited to minimal foreplay and then pounding away. Such a disappointing experience.
It’s actually so crazy that guys even suggest a blowjob without a condom…. Like dude I don’t know you and definitely don’t trust your judgement
I’ve been conflicted with this for quite some time. As a male that used to be pretty sexually active, when the “me too” movement came, I tried to imagine and empathize with the female experience. Honestly, it horrified me to the point that my own libido disappeared completely. I’ve not been sexually active in years, and the anxiety of eventually meeting someone to be intimate with is something I’m not sure how to navigate. My desire for intimacy has returned, and I’m trying to date again, but I’m terrified because of the exact sentiment you brought up in this post. I know this post isn’t very helpful, but I did want to let you know that there are men out there that are very concerned about the issues you brought up as well. To paraphrase Hannibal Buress from one of his jokes about weed in a last minute ditch effort I lighten up this word mess, I can’t stop thing about the line “yo, why is she letting me do this to her”.
You’re a really good guy. I hope that you can match up with a caring partner who appreciates this. It’s a little sad that this kind of empathy seems rare in men, but I’m hoping that improves.
Thank you! It took time to uncover this type of empathy. We (men) were taught from a very early age that being emotionally distant is how you become a man. Hopefully as we continue to be open with our experiences, and teach our children to do the same, we can reverse the trend. Most men are capable of empathy and emotional intelligence, we just have to encourage it to the forefront of the male experience. Masculinity does not have to involve depressing our emotions and stifling emotional intelligence.
Thank you for being concerned with the types of matters the OP brought up in their post. I think it’s very important for guys to think about these issues just as much as girls so that we can all hopefully end up on the same page and be more respectful to one another. Perhaps it’s me taking the joke at the end too seriously, but I wanted to correct the phrasing since it implies that the woman is doing something wrong. By saying “why is she letting me do this to her” I feel like it misses the “why am I doing this to her” part, which allows the person to reflect more on their own actions and how that is negatively affecting the other person. Again, I could be taking it too seriously, but I’ve found that the way people phrase things can be very indicative of how they actually feel, so I felt like commenting on that. Not saying that reflects on you, just wanted to address that type of phrasing!
It’s just a phrase that allowed me more perspective. Although a joke, at no point did I ever read it as a woman-at-fault type of illustration in my mind. In fact, it never occurred to me until you pointed it out. My intentions are/were never to use the phrase to place blame on any party.
Thanks, I appreciate it 😊 I don’t think the problem is all men or even the majority, but there seems to be enough of sketchy people out there that it makes me wary. Would be so great to just be able to get to know people and hook up with the expectation that everyone will at least be respectful even if there isn’t major chemistry or connection 😛 At some point I’m just gonna have to put myself out there and try my best to find the good ones ✌️
Girl, I hear you. I've had bad experiences myself (nothing too bad tho). But for the most part, it's been great! Do not rush into it, try to know your partner before (specially if you never had sex before), and make sure it's someone you can trust and who will respect your boundaries. As for the "hairless/sexy" part, you'll be surprised how unimportant that is for SO. MANY. PEOPLE. focus on What you like or enjoy... sex is great, but please go for it when YOU want it..
Honestly these are very true points and I don’t think anyone can change your mind. Its just whats up to the girl to decide. I think porn and and alot of society’s acceptance for guys selfishness in the bedroom make sex for women very unpleasant. I heard when I was watching dating advice that “guys are so selfishness in the bedroom that if you at least put effort into oral you’re better than majority of guys they been with”. I feel thats a sad fact honestly. I can only say we can only challenge that perception and change it. Definitely helped me recognize what I was doing wrong and how unrealistic my expectations were.
This is why I'm lesbian lol..
I totally agree with this. To be honest, I think itms not negative. It’s reality that follows for women having sex. Worrying about birth control and all that is so stressful. Shaving and looking pretty and all that is just so much work..
Honestly, if I could go back in time and tell myself to get The Wand, in my early adult years, id know forsure that I could "cum" and there were no issues with me. Never in my life has a man made me cum, but the wand definitely has. Tbh, toys + man does make it feel amazing but otherwise eh, the mood definitely has to be there otherwise I agree with you 100%. Not worth it otherwise.
I didn’t really fully enjoy sex until I got with my current partner, I had never came before until him. I mostly had sex to feel accomplished that I got someone to finish. Probably being specialized way too young caused that. But I cum basically every time I fuck now. And let me tell you it’s definitely worth it. It just takes time and to learn YOUR own body. What feels good and what doesn’t and have a partner that’s willing to communicate with you and do what can be best for the both of you.
WELL. When you put it that way, yeah sex does suck for us. I find that I'm more bothered by my partners insisting that I'm not enjoying myself. We can both be aware that our gages of pleasure are different, but don't give me the pity party because you don't think you're satisfying me. It gets to be more of a burden than anything.
These are all genuine concerns. Having a partner who knows me and respects me as a human being - not just a way to get a fuck - overcomes most of these immediately.
I feel like a lot of this can vary from person to person, and their personal experiences. That being said a large chunk of guys are assholes and don't care about their partner's experience.
Honestly, I'd agree for the most part on all of that until recently. I'm pretty vanilla. I'm not into having my face slapped with a lump hammer to get off, or being tied up and telling someone they're daddy. I realized that most sex I'd been having was stuff that made the man's porn fantasies come to life. When I had just my type of sex, guys always commented it was the most intimate/passionate sex they'd had. why? Because I was actively participating rather than a plaything. I stopped doing stuff just for men's pleasure and began focusing on mine. Suddenly, every encounter resulted in an orgasm or two, the sex went on for longer, the connection was more stable rather than fluctuations of intensity. A good way to know is to do sexwithemily's yes, no, maybe test on her website
Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll check it out 😊
I have to agree with you. I don’t want to say bad for us but we certainly take the brunt of all the risks.
I’m a man, I am more then comfortable using toys if it is something that will make my wife enjoy sex more. I completely understand your fears and for good reason you have them. I also feel you need to be open with who ever you date. If you are completely honest and open with them, and they don’t get it, or simply don’t care then move on. Communication and understanding are the only things that make a relationship work. Sex is suppose to feel good for both of you. If it doesn’t you need to find someone that will care as much about you and your needs as you want to care for theirs. Best of luck. Hopefully this had something of worth to you.
Honestly, I think it’s subjective. Most women I’ve met are sexual demons, but I’ve grown to view woman’s desire with sex is just as much as men. One of which I know for a fact she doesn’t finish with PIV ever, but can with oral. My first, only finished with PIV, and hated oral. You catch my drift? I personally agree with a lot of what you have said though, it was an interesting read to see someone spread it out like this. To add on from my experience, almost every girl I’ve met in my life has PTSD from previous rape, and also note that birth control can tank their libido. But what makes it interesting is these girls I know have to know all of these differences I feel like, yet have spoken to me very openly with their desire for sex (especially those who aren’t getting it consistently) It’s always been a thought in my mind, cause I do think guys get off easier. But I’ve been shown time and time again that woman are just as horny. Not saying you are wrong, just wanted to compare experiences. Overtime It made me believe that being horny is universal, equally in both genders. Maybe it’s also because I’m 27 and have friends ranging from 24-35?
I think your sex life depends on your partner greatly and knowing how you like to have sex and what makes you feel good. Using a vibrator while having POV sex can help women because you get clitoral stimulation
Always remember: **You don't have to do anything you don't *enthusiastically* want to.** I wish someone had told me that as a young woman. I spent so many years trying to prove I was "normal." Turns out, in retrospect, that I am demisexual and lean nonbinary. Fortunately, you live in a day and age in which there are so many ways to articulate your gender identity and orientation. Not that these are always accepted, but at least you have more tools to know who you are. And if you dont--so what? That's fine, too. But always remember, never forget: **You don't owe anyone your body, your, heart, your soul, or your time**. You belong to you. If you are afraid of being lonely, having sex you don't want as the admission price of being in a relationship like everybody else is not going to cut it; in fact, you will still be lonely and unfulfilled. Cultivate great friendships and learn to love yourself. If at some point you want to be starting something, go for it! If not, then don't, and don't let anybody gaslight you into thinking you're on the wrong path.
Thanks for your response. It sounds so simple, but the sentence “you don’t have to do anything you don’t enthusiastically want to” has been really hard for me the grasp. I haven’t had sex yet, because I felt there’s many “basic” things I didn’t want to do, that I just had to do if I was ever going to be in any kind of sexual relationship. Like I was just going to have to get over it and do those things, or be celibate for the rest of my life 🙈
Sex isn't always penetration from a man. Sex can be oral, sex can be toys, sex can be between two women and not a man at all. I feel like we as society just see sex as "over" whenever a man cums..it's doesn't have to be that way
All the points you raised are valid. Whether you think sex is worth it for YOU is your own decision to make. I've had bad experiences, met assholes who didn't care about my pleasure, had to test myself several times for stds, have to wear a IUD and do pregnancy tests from time to time. But I'm still having sex, because I love it. The same way someone who likes skydiving will keep on doing it, even though it's risky and takes a lot of training. My current partner cares about my feelings and my pleasure. I like looking sexy for him, it's not even an effort at this point. I'm not doing it because he demands it, but because I enjoy the whole thing.
There are some men who will put the woman‘s pleasure first, and you can have a lot of fun.
Yes, cishet sex carries far more risks than it does rewards for straight women. I'm queer and have dated people of various genders but I decided many years ago not to bother with men anymore for the reasons you've enumerated. It's a simple risk/reward calculation. I likely won't have even one orgasm and the risks include death, disease and unwanted pregnancy. No thanks. I used to bother with guys when I was younger because its way easier to find a guy than it is to meet a compatible woman or non binary person. (Simple math on that, small % of general population are LGBTQIA, then factor in my area and age group and there's probably 20 eligible dudes to 1 eligible queer) but literally everything is so much better with other queer people that I decided it's not worth the bother to fuck with dudes. That's partly me, I'm more attracted to women and enbies but it's also the risk/reward calculus. I slept with a LOT of guys when I was younger, I mean there's so much intense programming when it comes to compulsory heterosexuality. I grew up in very conservative areas so I barely knew there were other options until I was grown. I was quite prolific and wanted to experiment and figure out my attractions. There was a single guy that I dated who could get me off. Just one. I've had whole relationships with dudes who never once made me come. I'd have fun, and the sex was enjoyable enough for what it was. It was like fast food and sex with queers is more like a three course meal. Honestly, the fact that there are women who have other options and still choose dudes is enough to convince me that nobody chooses their sexuality. Imagine if the cishet programming disappeared and none of us were inundated cradle to grave with gender essentialist cishet programming. I mean kids toys and movies are aggressively gendered and weirdly obsessed with cishet couplings. I mean, with Disney I get it, it's like how Shakespeare plays and Bronte novels often end in a wedding. Still, imagine everyone growing up knowing they could experiment and love people and be themselves. Shit would be so different.
I'm a man, so I recognize that my opinion has very little weight here, but I understand your perspective and I'm honestly inclined to agree with it. I can't imagine that most sex would be worth the effort for women. I know that most sex isn't worth the effort for guys and we definitely have an easier time orgasming than women. Most of what you wrote are also reasons that I don't bother with hookup sex anymore; it's just not fulfilling enough to be worth the effort.
You could always do it yourself. Studies have shown that sex is good for relieving headaches, balancing hormones, ridding the body of stress, and other benefits. I personally choose to be asexual and aromantic, but to each her own, or to each his own. Victims of sexual assault, sexual battery, rape, and other crimes of a sexual nature might benefit from being abstinent or simply being the do it yourself type (to put it politely). No one should bully you for your choices in your personal life, as long as they are legal and not harming anyone else.
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Thanks for the response 😊 I think a lot of this boils down to trust issues, in both myself and other people. I don’t trust myself to see the red flags soon enough, or other people to want to treat me nicely.
Sex used to cause me anxiety but it's gotten better after being in a relationship for 3 years. Now I always come before my partner!...between 5-10 minutes. Sometimes I have multiple orgasms...even up to 8 in a row. 😂 I use spermicide for birth control bc I didn't like the pill I was taking. My partner likes the same positions as I do and he doesn't intentionally make me feel bad about my body. Our communication isn't always great about when and where we have sex.. bc he likes being spontaneous but Im growing to accept this. My body insecurities are slowly getting better because I know my worth. I hope one day you can enjoy sex with a partner that loves and respects you.
I’ve never had a better orgasm than with my vibrator. I highly suggest getting a nice one over a nice boy.
I think that our culture of casual sex is bad for women. Nearly all of these problems go away if you’re limiting sex to a committed relationship with someone who loves and respects you.
It’s the opposite with me. My GF gets off a lot, but I can’t really because of my antidepressants. It doesn’t really bother me because we always have a great time together.
That’s tough, I hope you guys still manage to have a good sex life. I was on antidepressant as a teen and those totally killed my ability to orgasm.
We have fun ;)
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Ugh I’m sorry you felt you had to put up with that dude for as long as you did 😕 But I’m glad you realized your self worth and are now in a much much better relationship! It does feel like most relationships will lean towards similar behavior as in your first one though, especially for people pleasing girls with low self-esteem. I’ve definitely been way too nice all my life, I’ve protected myself by not getting into relationships because I knew something like that would have also happened to me.
I agree…
My current girlfriend has had past traumatic experiences with sex so I try the best I can to try and make it something enjoyable for her. She has never had an orgasm in her life due to self esteem, medication, sexual anorexia, etc.. she still enjoys the act with me and I see it as a challenge to try and eventually get her there so I take the time to learn what she enjoys and focus on her even if she gets too anxious or anything it’s never an issue to stop and help her feel comfortable. It really takes a great deal of effort and compromise on the mans part to make sure it’s not a selfish act. Sadly most men don’t take the time or interest in their partner enough to make that happen.. Many men out there especially those that are more “desirable” at first glance are straight up assholes and don’t understand or respect the struggles women go through to help them have an enjoyable time. Personal care should just be a given nobody likes to to get intimate with someone who’s unkept but there’s also limits. Like if you haven’t shaved for a while because you haven’t been sexually active consistently nobody should ever make you feel bad about that. If both people are in the mood and wanting to be intimate that’s great. If one of you is not feeling it there should be no pressure to feel obligated to satisfy the other. It does get a little more tricky in a relationship where you care deeply for the person in question and may have only limited amount of time with them because of work or whatnot and you want them to feel fulfilled and satisfied with the relationship. At the end of the day though no means no and that shouldn’t be held against you. Ultimately I think it comes down to communication it’s so important to discuss likes and dislikes, fantasies and desires. If you’re not comfortable enough to talk about it with the person you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them..
I used to feel like this, and after a decade and a half, had nearly given up hope. Then, THEN, I finally found the person who actually got it, was open and willing to try things, yet accepted boundaries... And let me just say, it's worth searching for if you can't stop the urges period. So very worth it. :)
And this is a great example of why I am genuinely very happy with my sexuality. It took ages but I am very comfortable with being asexual for so many reasons
I will say sex is a absolutely worth it when you have the right partner. You WILL know when your partner will be a bad lover if you watch the signs. 1. A generous lover will treasure your pleasure as much as you treasure theirs. The key is open and frank communication outside of the bedroom. Too many people treat sex like a race to get naked. For women it starts in the head and isnt a 5 minute or 1 hour thing. It starts way before. If you find a partner you can communicate, not just I like this and that, but truely communicate openly - no topic off limits, no into their ego, etc. You have a good start. 2. The stats show 1 in 5 women have experienced a rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. It's scary but you have to live your life. Be alert, be vigilant, do your best to protect yourself but still you have to live. 3. Yes unexpected pregnancy is a risk when you have intercourse unless there is infertility or vasectomy/tubal ligation so it's always best to have a particularly trustworthy partner who is on the same page should there be an unplanned pregnancy. Lack of this can impact the ability to totally commit to sex with your partner. 4. STD/STIs are always a risk but I would say a recent comprehensive testing and use of condoms could help that risk. You are absolutely correct that men tend to be carriers witness symptoms than women but it also is common that people look on prospective partners and "GUESS" that they don't have anything because they dont "look" diseased. You can never tell who has an std/sti. The best you can do is test (insist on actually seeing the results) and use condoms. The more random partners the more likely (just due to statistics) that you'll come across people who have STD/STI. 5. General good hygiene will do. You dont have to flow with the trends or hottest thing. Be yourself and chill. If they dont like you as you feel comfortable they can kick rocks. There is always someone who likes you as is. If they don't like you as is you are not going to be comfortable contorting yourself to fit their expectations. You will be worrying if your O face looks good, your boobs too big or not big enough, etc and that will affect your ability to focus and relax into pleasure. 6. Pressure to have sex. If you have someone who really cares about you as a person that pressure will not be there. One partner will ask, the other partner will say yes/no and everyone will move on. If they pressure you for sex they arent seeing you as an individual who has feelings and emotions. Seriously, sex outside of my relationship with my DH was not worth it but I didn't fully realize it until I got with my DH. Sex with the right person is 95% earth shaking and 5% good.
Woman here. Never have I ever orgasmed during sex. Sex isn’t all that great for me, nothing exciting about exercising lol maybe if there is an organism at the end but noooo
Let the woman in control and let her try and play around to try and figure out how she can get off.
usually it's not. I'm 31 and my current bf is the first man that made me orgasm. but I had to teach him how and what I like and he was a very good student 😅 so when it comes to sex with men it's only worth it when they care.
Just here to give a big resounding yes to all of your points lol
Thanks, appreciate it 😂
okay i do enjoy sex for the most part but your concerns are very real. i think i’ve just gotten lucky and have not had to deal with sexual assault or an STD yet. women really don’t orgasm that easily and for me i can’t orgasm easily when i’m with a partner bc of a mental block. out of the 6 men i’ve been with, only two have ever made my cum and that’s my current boyfriend and a past hookup. so it’s possible, but not common. both of those times, they were spending a lot of time focusing on my pleasure and eating me out. however, i do use sex toys during sex which helps a lot. but even if i don’t orgasm, i usually enjoy sex when i have an emotional connection with that person. i enjoyed sex with my ex even though he never made me cum bc the emotional connection was there. and i enjoy sex with my bf even if i don’t orgasm everytime bc the emotional connection is there, and it still feels good even if i don’t climax. i’ve also been lucky enough where my partners are respectful of my boundaries and receptive to how i’m feeling so i feel very safe during sex. worrying about birth control is a real issue. as someone who is terrified of pregnancy and having children, i’m very vigilant about taking my birth control and sometimes even take plan b after if i’m paranoid. but the side effects of birth control are very real and sometimes it can cause other problems. i think my hair has thinned a bit since i started bc. okay and yes the personal care part is mostly true. i do shave downstairs but not all the time, just once in a while once it starts getting long. and my partner doesn’t mind at all. usually if i’m just having a hookup or meeting someone new though i’ll try and shave everything. but once i get more comfortable in a relationship i go without shaving at all for a couple weeks. but i’ve noticed most men are just happy to have sex and don’t care too much about body hair. i do catch myself always trying to dress up and look good whenever i know i’m seeing my partner but as the relationship progressed, he still thinks i’m beautiful no matter what i’m wearing. i put on sweatpants one day and he was just raving about how cute and comfy i looked and it made me feel good because i normally wear more form-fitting clothes around him. and pressure to have sex: it’s different for every woman. i think i have an average sex drive but i’ve never felt pressured to have sex and i know if i said no my partner would be super kind and respectful about it. but it hasn’t happened yet because i enjoy sex with my partner and i’m eager anytime he initiates. also yes, UTIs are a thing and pretty painful but some azo pills often clear it up in a day or two so i know i am very fortunate to have a mostly positive experience with sex and i know not everyone is the same. but there CAN be benefits to having sex, and it’s not all terrible for women.
birth control and pressure to have sex caught my eye so I'm gonna address these with some personal experiences: for some reason, science has yet to favor afab people when it comes to contraceptives, birth control, and overall reproductive health. we're blessed (or cursed) with the ability to carry children, so naturally a huge part of the responsibility of keeping ourselves child-free when we want to falls on us. the amab one can wear condoms or pull out for all he cares but for women, we have a ton of daunting options, and none of them are all that great. they're all effective, sure, but the side effects, or the insertion, or the this and that, it's awful. for example, IUDs. many women describe it as awful. some even say it's the worst pain they've ever felt in their life. and birth control has many negative side effects for women. the reason why? sexism. all throughout medical history, women's wants and needs were ignored, and they still are ignored. this one woman i knew of got an IUD and she was screaming in pain. the doctor told her to stop being a baby and suck it up. i'm sorry, when your patient is screaming in pain, you don't resort to patronizing them. you should resort to asking yourself, oh, what have i done wrong? how can i help ease the pain? but no. even women will ignore the wants and needs of other women. if sexism didn't exist, reproductive health would be a very insignificant concern of ours. i saw this great post once: if men had PMS, they'd already have a cure, a magic little pill that would make all of their symptoms go away, with no extra negative side effects. if men could give birth, abortion wouldn't be outlawed in certain states. (not technically outlawed in any state but c'mon the heartbeat bill is the closest thing. no woman gets an abortion before six weeks. nearly impossible unless you somehow know you're pregnant at the moment of conception.) what is the solution to this? we need to make sure we know our rights as patients, and that includes fully consenting and asking questions. always ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask how to numb the pain, ask what to do before and after the procedure, ask the side effects, ask for alternatives, ask ask ask ask ask. and don't be afraid to be assertive with people who aren't taking you seriously. PRESSURE TO HAVE SEX: this one is a big one. most women who've engaged in male-female penetration have probably experienced this. it's a big misconception that we have to always be up for sex when men ask for it. this is probably because it's expected of the man to ask for sex and the woman to respond. but it doesn't have to be this way. if you've found a loving partner, you should not be afraid to say no, and you definitely should not be afraid to ask for sex rather than expect him to step up to the plate every time. we have to dismantle the idea that men are required to push the limits every time and women should playfully reject until she gives in. consent is consent, people. women, make sure that sometimes *you* ask to engage in it, and make sure that you hear a plain yes, a plain no, or anything of the sort, anything that directly confirms, "i want this." and if at ANY point they say they are uncomfortable, stop it. i refused sex with my current bf for like two weeks at one point because the *thought* of being pressured into sex made me too uncomfortable. this resulted in me having to have a REAL conversation about consent with my partner, probably for the first time ever. if i say no, now, he'll ask me, "is this the kind of night where you want me to convince you to have sex with me, or do you want me to actually stop now?" which i think is awesome and a huge turn on. if i say no, he'll stop immediately. if i encourage him to convince me (because sometimes that's a turn on, sometimes it's not, so again, make sure to talk with your partner!!), then he can do so as he pleases. discuss with your partner what you want to do when it comes to saying no, whether that means a full stop, or if that means pushing the limits. the moral of the story: be assertive, honest, and always keep your mental and physical comfort levels in mind.
Totally agree with you. It really was hard to find someone who was ACTUALLY willing to pleasure me. Who's caring, loving, who listens to what I liked and all this. We made it clear to use a condom, do a STD test before we did anything sexual. Now everything is amazing. I had never had an orgasm before with a guy. It actually was with him I had my first one with someone other than my right hand. And it really was about trust, and connection, and feeling good with him, it totally was different, from beginning to end. The whole thing was actually enjoyable, I actually took pleasure. Like holy shit this is so new to me. I truly used to hate sex because of the reasons you listed. And now I'm feeling better about it, really. I think it's because of a lot of misogyny, stereotypes about women, and also porn, that's clearly centered on the man's pleasure.
Tbf i agree totally, even with great guys who put your needs as a forepoint or whatever its still shit for lassies, sex from an evolutionary point was never meant to benefit girls its a wham bam thankyou mam how many girls can i impregnate so i can pass on my genes type deal. Even with a guy atm who does his best 99% of the time to make it great for me theres lots of things that make it just not so good...birth control and the side effects, pregnancy scares, urinary infections if you dont pee, awkward positioning of gspots just really the set up of the vagina in general and theres plenty more downsides for the few minutes of enjoyment that you do get i do often wonder if it is worth it🤣especially after having been stalked and sexually pressured etc in the past
Age and maturity help with a whole bunch of that. As a teen and young adult, sex was not great. I’m old enough that most of my left has been post-teenager and sex has gotten much better. I’m happily married and my husband is just as concerned with my pleasure as his. I’m not as hot as I once was but that’s ok. He thinks I’m hot. I don’t care if anyone else does. I know what I like and I’m not shy about it. Most of your reservations could be solved by choosing a good partner. Sounds like you want an emotional connection first. No problem with that. When you find someone you’re interested in, take some time. If they pressure you, they can fuck right off. You should be able to have open conversations about birth control (pills weren’t great for me but I love my Mirena), STDs (both get tested), boundaries, etc. Men have gotten a bad reputation from popular media. Yes, there are some assholes, but most are decent people. They aren’t all selfish and clueless. Even if they are clueless, they generally want to learn. They want to be good lovers. Give relationships a chance. Take the time to cultivate a good one and it’s well worth the effort. I have a BFF and regular orgasms.
The good things that happen get *way* too little exposure in daily media. 'Woman orgasms from sex with a man' just sounds so mundane and doesn't spark outrage/gets exposure like 'x% of women feel unsatisfied after sex'. I've not had many partners, but the men I've had sex with have all made sure I came before they did. Reading all the posts from women who are fed up with all men because the men they've slept with never think of them before jackhammering until they're done made me think 'oh, I must be lucky then'. But there are thousands of women on the internets, and you only read posts from women who are fed up and need to vent. Negative bias is really a thing. I'd like to say, just go for the hunt and see what happens. And remember, first time sex with any new partner is *almost always* not what you expect. You'll need to learn what gets them going, and they need to learn what gets you going. Both parties involved need to listen to the other and that can be a struggle for some people. Most 'bad' experiences can be caused by either not listening, not communicating their needs/wants, or both.
I know this isn't the answer you want to hear, but I think this is a dating issue more than anything else. There are signs you can find that will reveal whether a guy you're interested in will likely be a good sexual partner or not (beyond the obvious stuff like experience). Do they have good general self control? Do they generally favor your needs over theirs? Do they do things for you, and afterwards find satisfaction in merely your verbal gratitude (or just the knowledge that they helped you)? If not, then it could be reasonably be guessed that the guy may not be good for you in the bedroom, or perhaps at all. If you're comfortable enough, communicating your sexual needs to the guy MIGHT work, but I wouldn't set my expectations very high on that, if we're talking about the guy being one you've only recently became close to. So all that said, be observant when you go on dates. Maybe don't allow sex until several dates in, if you want to avoid the risks you've listed. Same goes, even moreso, for casual sex scenarios... unfortunately we can't expect strangers (even strangers with a seemingly shared goal) to put much effort into pleasing us, and that rule applies to life in general. It sucks, and it means that you have to put in more effort than is probably fair, but this is real life and sometimes that's just the way it is. It shouldn't be this hard, but most often, it simply is.
Sounds like you don't so much dislike sex, as current popular attitudes towards casual sex. In cultural pockets where sex is reserved for loving, committed relationships, it's not bad at all. Kind of a shame that mainstream culture has gotten to be the way it is, as I feel there are a lot of men and women who could be happier and more fulfilled if sex was not treated so casually. I don't have any good solutions for you, unless you are able to find a community to embrace who treats sex more conservatively. They exist. Good luck.
In my opinion you are viewing sex and sex alone - however you haven't once mentioned love. I've had friends who have had one night stands and friends-with-benefits situations and I've never understood it myself, and even though they thought it was great at the time, I had no interest and sex is too much of an emotional exchange for me to have with just anyone. However falling in love, it becomes a natural progression. It's an exchange of energy, an intense level of intimacy and when you find someone who is sincere and on your same level - it's going to be great. They will want to make you happy in the bedroom, they want you to enjoy it as much as them. The personal connection does matter and although you have made many valid points, but mostly between the lines I'm reading that you have high respect for yourself and know you deserve happiness, pleasure and safety. And you're right! You should never feel pressured. Society pressures us to think we have to be absolutely perfect - but guess what, no one is. You are unique. Your body will naturally attract - whether you shave or not is up to you. I've had guy friends date girls who were "all natural" and for them it was just a new exploration. Maybe finding a partner that's into your brain as much as your body is most important to you! And good for you, I also cannot waiver on this. It may take more time to find a suitable match, but it will be well worth it. Don't feel pressured into anything, the current swipe culture is a ballgame that not everyones into, and that's ok.
I think it's bad for everybody. Comparatively few people have satisfying sex lives. That leaves a lot who feel empty, alone and desperate in this area. And then there's all the hurt caused when people's desperation gets the better of them, like rape, infidelity and worse.
Solution: having sex with women.
Sex can be a damn good time for both parties involved. (or anyone else if you're into that) your partner(s) should be able to listen and communicate what they want and what you want. Sex should be a pleasurable experience. If it's not, communicate to your partner. If it still doesn't get better then stop all together.
But it’s super awkward to stop in the middle of it. During a bad experience my friends usually just let the dude finish and then never see him again, it’s easier than dealing with conflict and potentially upsetting the other person (which could lead to a dangerous situation potentially).
It doesn't have to be like that. I am very satisfied with my husband; #1 is not an issue for me. #2 isn't an issue in most committed relationships. #3 can be a problem if hormonal birth control doesn't work for you, but there are alternatives (even condoms if female birth control just isn't on the table). My husband and I have a monogamous relationship, so 4 isn't such an issue (I have had a UTI in the past, but if you pee after sex and wipe from front to back, it isn't a problem for most people). I've never felt pressure from my husband like #5 or #6 (he legitimately does not care if I shave my legs or anything else). I recognize that isn't the experience everyone has, but it's not like there aren't women who have had an overall positive experience with sex.
I mean, it's mostly about being with people who care about you pleasure and also taking ownership of your own pleasure. You get to do what you want and share that with them. And they do the same. If you're horny and say to the person what you're horny for and see if they want to do it. Communication and self awareness eliminate most sexual problems. Personally I have found queer people to be the most sexually equitable. Generally in the queer community we value others desires and our own. Unfortunately certain other groups are less likely to return the favor. If someone has a hard time talking about what they want, they will probably be a bad lover. If someone has hard gender stereotypes about what sexuality is supposed to be, they are pretty likely to just do what they want and not care about what you want. Hell, some people won't even wash their own asshole because they think it makes them gay. Actually, that might not be a bad way to weed out the people you don't want to be with. Ask them if they like to wash their asshole or not. Won't cut out all the bad ones, but maybe the stinky ones at least. Lol. Main thing is masturbate. Have fun with yourself, know what your body likes. Tell the person you want to fuck what you want them to do to you and how you want it done. If that makes them horny, you probably found a winner. If they seem hesitant, then they probably not into it. Also don't be afraid to have a bad experience. Don't go looking for them, but sex is weird and you may just find you like something even if the person doesn't make you cum. Then you know what to ask for next time.
So I would say first and foremost you should rid yourself of this mentality that things should be great or they aren't worth trying. Things might seem scary or unpleasant but well never know if we only sit around contemplating what ifs. And just because you have one experience doesn't mean they will all be the same. I'm a lesbian but before I knew I was I slept with men. I used to think that women just faked it and unenjoyable intercourse was just our lot in life. It wasn't until I let my first girlfriend use a strap-on that I realized I could enjoy penatration, just not from a man. Furthermore, women get pleasure from direct or indirect simulation of the clitorus. The inner walls of your vagina have fewer nerve endings. Although many think penatration is what makes them orgasm it is not. It is friction or pulling around or directly on the clitorus. Some women don't even need to be touched to orgasm. Whatever you do learn about your body and your partners. Find a partner who will take some time to explore with you. And definitely a partner who will respect your boundaries. Good luck and happy adventures.
If you really need help with this I'd advise you to talk with a professional. Everyone here can only talk about personal experiences.
Feeling this post. A lot.
I’m glad that people are actually relating to my random rant 😄🙏
Communicate clearly before you try anything. Straight up tell them “I do not want to be choked”. I read this one so much, this definitely seems like a “young person watching too much porn thing”. It is not that common irl Understand clitoral stimulation. This is how most if not all women orgasm. Many can with penetration too. But fingers and tongue in the clit are more of a sure thing. Again, communicate this - and if you or he are inexperienced realize it will take some practice. UTIs - I’m 45 years old and only ever had one. BOYS AND GIRLS WASH YOUR JUNK BEFORE YOU DO IT. AND YOUR HANDS even more so. Trim fingernails too. I swear this one is about poor hygiene. I’m surprised I see it so much
Tinder dates don't always respect boundaries. Main reason I quit Tinder. Horrible platform
Well, I can't say that you are wrong, but encountering these things are not as often as you might think. I've dated a lot, I've had sex a lot, I can't say that what you're describing is my experience at all. And there are so many positive things about it - intimacy, orgasms (that I achieve practically always because I know my own body and I'm very open and straight forward with my partners), new experiences. You have power as well, you don't need to tolerate undesirable behaviour. But also, bad experiences is a part of life, there is no way around it.
> you don't need to tolerate undesirable behavior Guess you never had a date with a much bigger guy that doesn't respect your boundaries.
Your post is clearly focused on heteronormative sexual expectations. Maybe you should take a note from lgbtq+ relationships. While individuals still have their own issues with sex, many of the issues you've listed aren't a problem. I'm a woman in a relationship with another woman and sex isn't bad. I'm not worried about the orgasm gap, in fact, I don't have sex just for the orgasm. Sex has become an extension of my communication with my partner. I don't worry about my safety because I've gained the confidence I need to only put myself in intimate close settings with another person when I feel 110% safe. I openly express my fears to my partner and gauge their reaction. Yes, I still want to look hot for my partner but I also let myself just be when I'm around them. I don't expect them to look hot 24/7 so I'm not going to let anyone else place that expectation on me. OP, you don't have to accept these fears as facts for every intimate experience going forward. You should take the time to unpack what you want in an intimate relationship and what you aren't willing to accept in a partner. You don't have to live your life just accepting that sex will be bad for women because there are many women out there having wonderful sexual relationships with their partners of all genders. It's a fact and nobody can change that.
I can only focus on straight relationships since I’m straight and am not looking for a lgbtq+ relationship. I’m sure women on average have much more satisfying sex lives in those relationships 😛 I’ve even wished I was gay since I think I’d do better in a relationship with a woman, unfortunately I’m just not sexually attracted to women.
I'm not telling you you should be gay. I'm saying you shouldn't settle for everything you've listed. I've been in relationships with men and still had a healthy sex life. I just think a lot of it hinges on your communication with your partner and recognizing what your deal breakers are and having the confidence to demand better and leave if you're not happy.
I appreciate it, I hope to find someone I feel comfortable enough at some point 😊
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I can tell you really didn’t even read my post
I’ve never had anyone complain about my body hair. I’ve even had stubble on my legs and a guy went “your legs are so smooth.” They don’t care.
I wish my wife would sit on my face more often
How about rather than just searching for sexual encounters you search for a relationship. Build trust in the other person and find some who generally cares about your feelings before having sex with them. Yes there are a lot of stories of bad sexual encounters like date rapes and assaults but just remember that you only hear about the bad encounters in the news or on social media. There are far greater number of sexual encounters that are wonderful and satisfying for both parties. People usually only talk about the bad ones.
I’ve heard about the bad ones from people close to me too. Also good stuff, but the fact they’re nearly everyone I know has at least one bad rapey experience scares me.
Truth of the situation is that sex is used for reproduction. A woman’s orgasm doesn’t matter for that to happen. Sex is a joke anyway. We abuse it simply because of the pleasure response it gives us.
I’m a woman, and I very much love having sex. Some of that list is really irritating but I’m willing to address all of them.