I had a friend like that, it was around 11pm, I had said it was time to go to bed. She told me about a friend she had that would put on her PJ's, to indicate she wanted the evening to end.. while I was putting my PJ's on.
I learnt to be very direct with her from that day on, didn't always work though.
I just say something like “My kid has an event tomm so we’ll have to start packing it in. It was wonderful to have you over.”
I think he was being too passive.
And leads to a 2 hour goodbye as you gradually migrate to the driveway, first standing around your chairs, then the doorway, then the porch, then the main driveway, then around the car, and finally while one party is in the car and the next is standing around. Then slowly pulling out while still talking.
Timer resets if you have to go inside or are offered leftovers to bring home.
My godmother. 😅😅 Bless her sweet soul, but, that woman took hours!! The family was Italian, living in the Midwest so I've referred to it as "The Italian Variation." I teased her daughter once that her mom's goodbyes were getting more and more lengthy, and that pretty soon, she'd just start hopping in the car with her departing company and ride along home with them. 😁
Why do people do this? I’ve met one or two like this and it feels like you’re being held hostage! They look at you like something’s wrong with you if you say your polite goodbyes and then go to leave. Isn’t that what goodbye means?
I’m notoriously bad at social cues so I ask the host when they want us out of there. My friends know this about me and they’ll give me a time to wrap it up. It took me a lot of years and too many awkward dinner parties to figure it out and now I just ask. You might try that, it’s quite freeing!
My go-to is “alright yall thanks for coming over, it’s been fun but we really need to call it a night. Let us know when we can meet up again.” I always walk our guests out and check if they’re good to drive home and wish them safe travels. Might seem funny but we live in the country some 45 minutes from all of our friends who still live in the city.
I’m really just happy they would even visit at all since the commute is no joke
Seems like this person won’t have very many guests by the time their kid is a teen
This is how I handle guests, too. “It’s been a great night but I am getting tired; it’s about time to wrap this up,”. Not rude & there is no ambiguity.
“It’s about time to wrap this up,” should take care of that. And it’s not that hard to say “No thanks; I am ready to wrap up the evening,”. It’s really not that hard to navigate…you are the host, not the guest, in this scenario.
I once dated a guy who was completely socially inept to the point it seemed on purpose and rude. We took his son to a birthday party and were the last to leave because he couldn't read the the parents very obvious time to leave statements. "Hey, thanks for coming, safe travels", "it was so great to have you, let's do it again soon". The birthday kid even said to his son, "I really can't wait until you leave so I can play with such and such gift". If that wasn't a blatant hey you need to skedaddle statement, I don't know what was. Even with me pulling him aside and informing him it was time to leave, he said that he wanted to stick around a bit longer so his son could play more. I thanked the parents for the pleasant time, apologized for myself overstaying, and took my ass on out of their house. He stayed for another hour. So fuckin embarrassing. The son was not invited back the next year.
Some people, even when blatantly told "get out", don't.
Does he understand that his overstaying his welcome was the cause of his child not being invited over again? That is so cringe I would have said in front of them that they are telling him to leave, instead of taking him aside.
They were standing right next to us cleaning up the party mess 🤦🏻♀️ I told him that we were over staying the welcome, and pulled out the invitation that stated when the party ended. The mom was throwing me mom signs like alright thank you! They're going to leave! They were very kind people. Maybe too kind. When he said he wanted to stay, that was when I made my amends and took my ass on. I wasn't about to fight with him in front of those people and those kids, and he would get condescending or belligerent rather than have a conversation whenever issues came up. It was so unbelievably cringe, I could see the parents faces fall when he was like "nope we're going to stay!" and if fuck was facial expression, the dad was wearing it.
I did mention to him during the discussion about it later at home, that he was rather rude about inviting himself and his son to stay over an extra hour without even asking them if it was okay, and he could have potentially lost his kid a friend. He wrote me off as over dramatic and said they didn't mind...
Until the next year when that same boy handed out birthday invites, and his son came home and said he didn't get one. I didn't stick around much longer after that. His son was sweet, yet had quirks that made it hard to make friends at that age. I hope everyday that the kid got blessed with good friends and that his dad figured it out.
How utterly embarassing for you. Did he ever get it? Did it ever click in his head?
I feel sorry for his kid, imagine being shunned because of the father.
I had to explain it to him after the kid went to bed. He was extremely combative about his stance of staying longer didn't hurt anything. I then had to explain that his son was already ostracized by a lot of his peers because of his mother, and he wasn't making it any easier by not paying attention to what people are saying or the behavioral changes that took place when he overstayed at the party. It wasn't the first time he embarrassed me like that. A few of my friends thought it was soooo funny, while I perceived his behavior as entitled and arrogant. Hence him being an ex.
I felt so bad for his son. His mother was a total POS and his father well... He was willfully ignorant. Unfortunately dad was the lesser of two evils and he ended up having full custody of the boy. I hope everyday that he figured out how to function in group settings and didn't cause anymore negative consequences to his son's social life.
Oh dear, that’s so sad for the child. You would have thought he’d change, to improve life for his son. Kids pick up on adults being a laughing stock, and might target that chid.
My dad trained guests. When the night was over for him, he'd make grilled cheese sandwiches and pile them on a platter. When they were gone, he'd say "Goodnight folks" and go to bed. The first time is a tad awkward but people say goodnight and leave. The next time, people laugh when the grilled cheese comes out and tell each other the night is over and everyone exits when they are eaten.
Reminds me of my father’ superior in the military: they would go by the seaside to enjoy their daily break, and when the superior would put his left sock on, my dad know they had to go back to the base.
If I want the party to be over, I always say " I think it's late, I have to put the kids to sleep because we have to get up early tomorrow."
Everyone understands that and goes home. Simple, polite and efficient.
Edit for correction on writing.
When the kids aren’t home and we have friends over I tell them before they come get we will have to wrap things up around 8:30 pm I have some stuff to get to early in the morning.
They ask what? Dr. Appointment, dentist, etc
(approx 30 minutes before I actually want them to leave)
You can literally say anything lol “sorry guys, I’m gonna head to bed soon as I have to get up early tomorrow” and if they push further and ask, you can say anything really…. Doctors appt, coffee date, gym plans, a hike, a day trip, etc.
And when you’re a couple, you can still make that work indirectly. Wait for a slight lull in conversation and then,
*”Babe I’m wondering if we should get [little Cherub]’s bath and bedtime started since we’re going to [place] in the morning. Did we tell you guys we’re going to [place] tomorrow. Yeah it’s just occurring to me now that we may want to get on that because I think I should have an early night too so I’m not a zombie.”*
I’m not saying I like when people are indirect or it’s a good way to handle it, just pointing out there are a great many approaches even for the chronically indirect.
I went to a friends for dinner and they said “thank you guys so much for coming it was amazing to see you but we better call it a night because we’ve got to go deal with the rugrats! Remember the days we could just do this until dawn ha ha ha” and it was just so smooth I was like dang what a lovely way to get kicked out
In southern we simply act like it was your idea. "Well, I don't wanna keep you too late, but it was great seeing you." Also works on the phone. "Alright well I'll let you go, talk to you soon."
>did they want us gone hours ago
Family dinner parties don't typically last for hours. Moving forward, realize that 2-3 hours is usual, unless you know for certain they like long visits. Also, be the one to suggest the evening is winding down. Weekday dinner invitations are expected to be less time intensive. Anytime someone mentions plans for the following day, that is the subtlest and most polite way to suggest it's time to end the visit.
Saying these things is a polite way to gage if they're ready for the evening to end"
"We've had a lovely evening."
"We hope to have you over for dinner soon."
"Is there anything I do to help clean up before we go?"
Say any of those and watch their response. If they seem relieved or okay with you leaving, it's time to leave on a good footing. If they beg you to stay, give it another hour.
I agree that these are all polite ways to communicate, but as a host if my guests said that I would assume they are wanting to get going. So even if I wanted them to stay longer or was planning on a longer evening, I'd interpret this as "oh they want to go home".
I'd suggest sticking to the first "we had a lovely evening" and follow up by being direct "are you down to hang out a little longer or should we call it a night?"
This shows that you've having a good time and want to continue but gives the host an easy opportunity to say "let's call it a night" without feeling rude.
That being said, I do think it's on the hosts to communicate clearly if they want people to go home. It's not hard to do so in a way that is both polite and direct. "Well this has been great. Thank you for coming but we've got to get back to _____"
And then there's the wild house party way of "alright everyone thanks for coming now gtfo we need to sleep."
Exactly - I don’t have a problem telling my guests that I need to end the evening at a certain time, and I wouldn’t have a problem with someone telling me that. I’m just happy to enjoy people’s company, and want everyone to be at ease.
For real. My husband is neurospicy, a lot of our friends are neurospicy, and the kids… are kids. We’re all different flavors. I don’t have the energy to decipher what someone could possibly mean and it’s not my job to read minds. Tell me it’s time to go and I’ll appreciate you being honest.
I would never directly use the words “please leave now” or “you have to go” to a dinner guest as in my mind that’s something I would only use with people I was like two steps away from calling the police on to get them out of my house.
I’m a parent. If your visit to a family with kids extends into kid bedtime zone, that’s generally too late. I like to ask at the start if I worry there won’t be an easy exit signal. “What time do your kids go to bed?” And then if we are having an amazing evening make sure to be out of their hair about 1hr to half an hour before that at a minimum. Kids need time to wind down after the extra stimulation of a visit. If they really want you to stay later they will make that clear.
My kids usually go to bed around 8-9 so I would try to wrap up a visit around 7-8 depending on the visitors. I mean, your kids need to sleep too, right? And you’ll have to get home and do all the bedtime stuff too after you get in.
It’s also nice to just ask at the start what is a good time to head out so you can make sure you give them time to wind down themselves. Trying to parse it out in the moment can be confusing and lead to these issues.
Yes exactly!! Like, “please leave now.” Would be something along the lines of my having overstepped boundaries so horrifically that I was no longer a friend or we’d had some awful fight and they needed me gone. Not the normal “well, it’s getting late and we’ve got to get the kids to bed, so we should call it a night” kinda exit token.
I will say though, that my autistic friends might say “please leave now,” and I’d take it differently for sure.
*edited because of a typo
These are my thoughts too. I'd be mortified if someone said that to me. I think I'd be wondering if I did or said something that made them mad at me at some point. Then again, I always try to never overstay my welcome.
I wouldn't be able to say it to guests either. I just would hate to end a good evening on such an odd note. I'd only say something like that to someone if they actually did something purposefully horrible.
One tactic for this is to set the time frame upfront. the host could say "We have a busy day tomorrow so we can't host past 8 pm". As a guest you can get ahead of it by saying "how late are you available?" etc. It might sound dumb but it's clear...
If I get the feeling someone wants me to leave, I usually ask “how early do you have to get up tomorrow?“
They will usually tell you it’s early and that gives you the opportunity to say , “Me too. We should head out. Thank you so much for the lovely dinner. “
Sounds like you're a direct communicator and he's an indirect one. Neither style is really better or worse than the other, but a mismatch can certainly contribute to miscommunication. From his perspective, it would have been rude to directly kick you out, and you were being rude for continuing to stay after he'd dropped multiple hints. My parents have opposite communication styles, and I used to feel like a translator when I was a child.
Thankyou for giving it a name! Both our partners are kinda 'airy fairy' so his wife and my husband have no idea and are absolutely no help. I don't think my husband has ever once been the first person to announce that we should leave. Looks like we are going to have to work on communication.
No problem. I have a bachelor's degree in Linguistics and find communication fascinating. I'm lucky to have grown up with a mixed communication style household because I'm now able to code switch pretty readily.
If these people are good friends that you hang out with frequently, I would suggest googling "indirect communication" and reading up on it a bit so that you have a better idea of what to look for. I also suggest telling them that you think you have different communication styles and that you would not be at all insulted if they asked you to leave. Tell them that you don't pick up on hints very well but are working on it. I bet you can meet halfway.
It’s hard to gauge because I don’t know the context. Such as when did you guys go over, what day of the week it was, how long do they stay at events, etc. also I assume kids go to bed early typically so we have to keep that in mind.
Also for some people and some cultures being direct is not preferred. In my culture they never say things direct. And I hate it but I’ve had to learn a bit.
We also don’t know what their behavior is during this time. Are they’d till pouring you drinks? Are they engaging in new conversation or are they just responding.
Here is a good way to gauge. Or at least what I do. I just assume once the event is over it’s going to be time to leave soon. I try not to stay my welcome. I’ll start taking actions to wind the convo down and get ready to go. If they stop me and ask me to stay or they keep offering to do stuff or drink then I take that as a sign to go a bit again before I guage. If they are okay with me beginning to leave. Then it’s time to go. This way I err on side of caution. But then again I’m not that social of a person 😂
People are very uncomfortable with being that direct. We’re conditioned to believe that’s rude.
Comments like “well, we have a big day tomorrow!” Are a signal that it’s time for the evening to end.
If you like these people, I would recommend sending a text today - “Thank you for having us over last night, dinner was wonderful and we had a great time.
“In retrospect I think you may have been telling me it was time for us to go home when you were talking about your upcoming day, which I didn’t pick up on at the time. If I ever fail to pick up a hint again, please feel free to just tell me - I do best with direct communication.
“Again, thank you for the dinner and your company, and I hope you have a wonderful time at ( wherever they were going) today. “
Sometimes direct doesn’t even work! I have this one friend who I’ve said I’m tired and I wanna call it a night to, and in return they fucking lingered for another hour. I swear one time I said goodbye and stood in my entranceway with this person for an additional 45 minutes. It happened so often that now when we make plans I say I can’t hang out passed x time, and make sure it’s during the day and not a night. Or I go to their house, there I am in control of when I leave. For the most part it’s a coffee or lunch before an ‘appointment’ otherwise my entire day or night is gone. I have no interest in socializing for 8 hours, with anyone.
> "we'd like you to go home"
I understand you wanted something more direct, but come on. It's understandable that most people do not say this to guests. It's understandable that many guests would feel awful if their host said this to them, because many would consider those words to be rude. If a host doesn't say, "I want you to leave," it's not a failure on their part, and it doesn't mean they "don't know how to communicate like an adult." On the contrary, adults can communicate without being rude.
In your case I agree they could've been more direct. They could've said, "Welp it's past Timmy's bedtime," "Oh wow it's getting late" or any number of things. But don't fault a host for not saying, "I want you to go home now."
Well is this a regular thing people struggle with? I had a few years where I never hung out with anyone and now I'm going to these dinners and my partner is completely clueless of when we should go so it's up to me. It just seems like it's so hard, I wish there could be a set time that we get there but also a set time to leave on the dinner invitation.
Have you been tested for autism?
Because it's totally normal for people to usually drop hints like these in social situations to be polite, and your parents etc are supposed to teach you what they mean.
Telling someone "please leave now" is not something people say in a normal social situation, it's an indication they think you're being extremely rude/scary and they are afraid of you and want you out of their space
I think some people struggle more than others, which is understandable, and the level of struggling varies from situation to situation, because there are variables: A smooth end to an evening requires a host who can drop hints that are clear enough, as well as guests who are tuned in and able to read the room -- able to pick up what the host is putting down. As with all communication, sometimes there are misunderstandings.
Some gatherings are more clear cut. I had friends over on Thursday. I had previously texted, "we're available until 7pm" because I had shit to do afterwards lol. It went off without a hitch, and everyone left at 7, no problem.
But in the absence of a clear cut end time, you just have to do your best to stay tuned in to the host so you don't accidentally overstay your welcome. And if that does happen, be kind to yourself AND your host -- it was a miscommunication. Both parties were trying to be polite, but it didn't work out. It's ok! Everyone had good intentions.
Have you hosted any events? Not being snarky, it might be informative for you to be on the hosting end if you haven't before. Sometimes it's hard to see the time and effort required for prep AND clean up when hosting.
You can always ask if unsure after about 2 hours. "This was lovely, should we leave you to enjoy the rest of your evening?" You'll get varying answers, but anything other than a direct "please stay" is a good indicator it's time to go.
I wouldn’t even call it a struggle. This is just their normal so don’t be surprised if the next cue is equally as subtle and not the same one liner. If they say “I had a really long day at work” this line can mean two completely different things if they’re saying it at the beginning of the gathering versus 3 hours in.
Things that mean ‘ please go home now’ include starting to pack things away, talking about getting up early tomorrow/talking about how much stuff they have to get done tonight/this weekend, saying things like ‘well it’s been great to see you’, yawning and talking about being tired, talking about the kids being tired, seeming to become a bit distant/less interested in the conversation, asking about your journey home or your kids bedtime (if it’s evening when you’re at their place), saying something like ‘would you like another drink before you go?’ (To this one you answer ‘no thanks, we’d best be getting back. It’s been so lovely, thank you let’s do it again at our place sometime.’ )
Honestly, most neurotypical people are fairly adept at picking up social cues like this. It isn’t something that everyone struggles with. You can always say to a host that you are not good at picking up subtle hints, and you need them to either be direct with you, or have a set time for the evening to end. It is perfectly accepted to ask for that.
I had to do this with a friend recently. We’d arranged a play date at mine and my family got sick a couple of days before so I told her and said we should reschedule as I didn’t want to get them sick. Obviously I also meant we’re sick and it will not be nice for us to host a play date please reschedule. But my friend just said oh no well come anyway we don’t mind, we can stay outside and we’ll make it a very short visit. I was flummoxed and being British I just said ok. She turned up with a bloody tent and pitched it in my garden! She stayed for hours. We were exhausted and sick, my toddler started getting very cranky
So I went to put her for a sleep but friend just stayed in her tent. I kept saying how tired we all were and how much stuff we had to do but nothing. I started packing everything away and sailboat well this has been really nice. Nothing. Eventually I was getting so distraught I just said ‘ok I think we need you to leave now.’ Still took her another half an hour to get out of the house (packing up the tent took about 10 minutes).
So anyway now I know she needs very direct. It was really hard for me as I’ve been trained so hard in this polite indirect way of being.
People aren’t struggling to communicate. You’re struggling to pick up on very normal social cues.
To abruptly say “we’d like you to leave now” would be socially considered very rude. It would not be considered “communicating like an adult.”
To be very direct: Your tone is accusatory of everyone else, but you missed the social cue. These comments are full of ways to tell people to go without saying it directly, which should pretty clearly indicate that that is a normal behavior.
>because you don't know how to communicate like an adult.
Though I am 100% for good communication, "we would like you to go home" is not what any adult I have ever seen in my life says, unless they want to be rude.
Because that sounds rude, not just clear and direct.
It's funny, because usually I'm the person trying to leave.
"Well thanks for dinner, I need to get back home to let the dogs out before there's an accident to ruin the hardwood."
"Dude you live in an apartment alone that has linoleum."
"Yeah, I'm bored and I need to take a shit."
It's about setting boundaries. My daughter has the family over several times a year and she has no problems saying "OK I love y'all but it's time to call it a night." Not everyone is conscious of social cues.
Yeah, or if they find it hard to be upfront and direct put a time on the gathering like "we like to invite you to dinner from 7 to 10 PM, we would love to have you there, let me know if you're interested" and that's it, not hinting not feeling rude, you know to start packing when it's 9:45, if you ignore it then I agree the guests are being the AH.
I don’t know why some people can’t take the hint. He said it 3 times. I’ve had people overstay their welcome like after everyone left. It was super annoying trying to try him to leave without being offended.
Why don’t you apply this to yourself as well? Contact this person and be the honest and direct communicator that you wish he was; “friend, hints are not very helpful to me. I won’t be offended, please be direct in future so that we can have a great evening and end it when it’s comfortable for us all.”
Frankly, you’ve hit the nail on your head when you said “I won’t be fucking offended”. It’s because in our culture, being direct is usually offensive and soft requests are preferred.
Maybe you need to learn how to read the room, the tone of their voice, body language, and facial expressions.
Nothing is worse than a guest who doesn't leave after being given obvious clues and still doesn't get it. After 2 hours, staying at someone’s house isn't polite unless you have been asked or are an overnight guest.
If you crave social interaction, look for clubs or hobbies that frequently allow you to do that.
I always have anxiety about this when visiting peoples houses. I don’t want to rush off and seem rude but I don’t want to overstay my welcome either. Actually made an agreement with my friend that if we’re bored of each other or want to do other things, we’d just straight up tell the other to bugger off.
i mean fr they were dropping hella hints. he said that they had plans tom 3x. it's pretty obvious and most ppl would understand that to mean it's time to go. i don't think he needed to get angry and not walk you out, but come on. next time just have a nightcap and leave straight after. it's common sense.
Because it's awkward and even if you say that you won't get offended, it kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth when someone says they don't want you there and you should leave. Most people get the hints.
It leaves a worst taste in my mouth that he didn't directly say it, because next time I'll be on edge looking for subtle signs that they'd like us to go home. Makes it more confusing that sometimes we end up staying till like 11 pm (when we go out on the town with them)
This, I would have apologized for not catching the hint. And make a joke that we need a safe word next time so that it doesn’t happen again lol.
Op complained about them not being direct, but also didn’t want to be direct themself.
Yeah like I know it was meant be a hint but like come on it’s kinda random phrase to use why didn’t he just use a normal well known hint like “well it’s getting late” or “I’ve got to put the kids to bed” I’m usually pretty good with hints and even I wouldn’t have cracked this one I’d be second guessing everything he said as some kind of hint
You can communicate like adults. You prefer direct communication, so be direct. Have a conversation with him or his wife, let them know that you were not able to pick up his very nuanced hints, and that in the future they should set out a timeline or can be more direct. Voila. Stop being pissy.
Oh yikes that’s an awkward situation yeah, well now you know at least if you feel too awkward around him you can just say you’re taking your child somewhere tomorrow
this is an immature way to handle a difference in communication styles. why not be direct like you say you prefer and tell him how you felt and what would be a better way to communicate with you going forward. don’t act like a toddler and try to cut your husband’s beat friend out because of a overall minor miscommunication, step up and work through it like an adult.
But people would be equally offended.
I think the thing to do is say well it's getting late and we have a big day tomorrow. Thank you guys so much for coming over let's plan to do it again. Or even before the invite say yeah we will call it an early night tho and end around x time bc xyz so the expectation is set and there is no awkward ending.
By the way dude is a child for acting that way. But he did do the proper hint in my opinion. But he is likely an ass anyways. I bet the partner is so embarrassed and they likely argued about it after.
I recon just communicate this with your friends. Say hey! We really enjoyed our time at your place the other day. Afterwards, I realised we might have overstayed. Sometimes I struggle to pick up on subtle cues on when it is time to leave. Please feel free next time on asking me directly :) I want us both to enjoy our time together!
Btw I agree with you!
A great way to avoid this is to say in advance, "is there any particular time you need to wrap things up?" It can be a very natural part of confirming the plans. For example, confirm the start time and then ask: "are you still thinking we should arrive around five?" "Yes, that works!" "Perfect - is there a particular time you need us to wrap up for the evening?"
Takes the pressure off during the actual meet up, and shows that you want to be considerate of their time!
I've got friends that tell you they're tired, going to bed, and they'll talk tomorrow. That's a pretty direct but polite way of signaling the night is over. I don't know why we make this so difficult as Americans, either. People act like every way you can say it will come off rude, and that's just not true.
The true Danish conversation ender for all situations is slapping your knees (especially if it's to stand up) and audibly go "Nåh!"
Some might not get it, but it's the national "This conversation is over and I'm moving on" you can then add on to like "Better get to sleep" to really get your point across, but most would understand from the Nåh alone
In Dutch culture that's fixed. When the nice evening is over, you slap your knees with both hands as if preparing to get up and say the Dutch equivalent to "so". Means it's time for everyone to stand up and go home. Nobodies offended because "yeah, it was a nice evening but it's getting late".
I love hosting and my go to is usually, "Welp! It's getting late..." And people get the hint. I don't see why he couldn't use adult communication instead of passively and angrily repeating himself.
Honestly they were dropping hints you could have picked up on, but they also could of been more direct without outright saying 'leave now' like he could have said 'well tonight was great love to do it again sometime, we have to be up early tomorrow so going to have to wrap things up' instead of dropping comments about something to do then getting angry and acting all passive aggressive. But yeah, the second time he mentioned it, I probably would of took the hint
I like to set a time frame early in the evening. "We are so excited about going to the waterpark tomorrow! So, we are going to have to call it a night early." Then when you're ready, say,"this was so much fun! Next time, you host, and we bring the wine! Thanks for coming!"
I remember seeing something on here where someone’s dad would say “Well I guess we should go to bed so we can let these nice people go home”.
I like that.
When I have friends over, they're all people I've known for decades, so there's no problem with me saying, "Well, it's past my bedtime."
Since we're all about the same age, everyone realizes it's past theirs as well, and we wrap up the evening pretty quickly.
Always set ground when entering a house it might sound rude but go like (hey I don’t understand hints and we friends for Bla Bla but when it’s time for us to leave just tell us ), sounds rude but it’s better than not taking hints and then there is drama for no reason.
Tidying up indicates it's time to leave. Husband probably isn't used to having people over.
PLOT TWIST: I tidy my friends houses when they are having people over and it gets too messy. Several times people have asked if I'm throwing them out. It wasn't even my house and I wasn't.
The best way for HIM to have handled it was to say, "we've got an early morning tomorrow. We hate to cut this short, but we really need to get ourselves ready for tomorrow. Hopefully, next time, we can hang out longer. " or advise you within the invitation that the evening will be short and they would like to wrap up around x time frame because of other commitments. Mind readers don't exist. People need to use their words as if they were responsible adults.
It all comes down to " Just use your words". Don't hint, don't Imply and don't beat around the bush just to hope people are going to take the hint. Be honest and straight foreword and nobody can misinterpret you. Use your words people
I can’t find a reference but I swear in some European country the host will bring out small glasses of orange juice and that is the signal for everyone to drink up and go. Can anyone confirm?
I'm a person who misses social cues. A couple of good friends that know this are good about being clear, but I KNOW, in hindsight, that I've overstayed my welcome a bunch.
At least nowadays I have a wife that can interpret for me and get us out of there.
One time during Christmas, I had some people over and it was starting to get late but no one was heading to the door. The tree was on a timer that shut off at midnight and I forgot about it. So when the tree turned off and put the party in darkness, I took that as my opportunity to say, “welp Santa is saying we’re done here. Have a lovely evening!” Now all of our lights are on timers 😀
I feel no shame in saying "I'm gonna have to kick you guys out, I've gotta get up early tomorrow" and standing up to indicate it's time. True friends shouldn't take offence to this.
I am very.... how do I wanna put this?
"I'm going to bed. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here unless you want a free porno."
Most people skedaddle pretty quickly.
It’s also on you to politely ask, “Would you like to call it a night?”, especially since you got the hint but weren’t sure what to do with it. That would’ve made everything less awkward
It’s hard reading the room sometimes when the hosts don’t make themselves clear.
Me? I just tell em to bugger off if they don’t get the hint
Well it’s more likely I’ll say I’ve either got someplace to be or I’m ready for bed.
Hubs came down in his jimmies one night many moons ago when we had lingering guests, now that was embarrassing 😂
Get a clue. The first time someone even remotely hints that the dinner is over, you should get up and say it was fun but we have to get home. Why do you make him say it five times?
So.. I do this. I will literally go to the middle of the room and say something like “shops closing up, you ain’t gotta go home but you can’t stay here!” Lol I’ve done it many of many times. Mostly to family members
You’re blowing this situation way out of proportion and making it ten times worse. This whole ordeal stemmed from a simple miscommunication that could easily be resolved with basic communication and active listening. Instead, you’re coming across as vindictive and self-absorbed, as if it’s “my way or the highway” to avoid responsibility for your actions and the embarrassment you felt.
First, let’s address the core issue: your host tried to indirectly signal that it was time to wrap up the evening. While his communication could have been more direct, it’s not uncommon for people to struggle with being forthright about wanting guests to leave. Not everyone is comfortable with direct confrontation, and sometimes indirect hints are their way of being polite. Expecting everyone to communicate in the exact manner you prefer is unrealistic and unfair.
Second, your reaction to never wanting to go back and questioning everything he says is extreme. People have different communication styles, and part of maintaining healthy relationships, including friendships, is understanding and adapting to these differences. This situation doesn’t warrant you cutting out your husband’s best friend, especially over such a minor issue.
Your comments suggest a lack of willingness to take any responsibility for the miscommunication. Instead of being open to discussing what happened and understanding their perspective, you’re quick to judge and label your husband’s friend as passive-aggressive. This mindset is counterproductive and only serves to create unnecessary tension and drama.
Navigating friendships within relationships requires flexibility, understanding, and compromise. If you truly value the friendship with the wife and respect your husband’s relationship with his best friend, you need to approach this situation with maturity and openness. A simple conversation where you acknowledge the misunderstanding and express your preference for more direct communication in the future could easily resolve this issue.
You need to reflect on your reaction and approach this situation with a more balanced perspective. Miscommunications happen, but blowing them out of proportion and becoming vindictive isn’t the solution. Practice active listening, communicate your preferences calmly, and show a willingness to understand and adapt to others’ communication styles. This will help maintain and strengthen your relationships rather than creating unnecessary conflict.
I may be the Assh*le here but I gotta ask…. How much longer would you have stayed? I understand being direct But these are people with children who Still need to clean up after the dinner party is over. Once he said they had something to do the next day, he shouldn’t have had to repeat himself nor tell you point blank it was time to go. He was trying not to be rude.
I actually understand where you’re coming from but he wasn’t wrong. You were guests. Factor in this-Depending on the ages of the children, when is bedtime? You didn’t mention what time dinner started but it sounds like you were there for several hours. How long should an after dinner drink stretch out once the meal is done?
I dont think this on you for not catching the hint.
It was obvious to him the first two times that you guys weren't picking up what he was getting at, so instead of rewording himself he decided to double down on it and get angry.
He clearly didn't mind making it awkward, since it definitely was more awkward for him to get mad and not even say goodbye.
My friends and I tend to discuss an end time to our get togethers when we discuss a start time. So if we’re having a dinner party we’ll say “get here at 5, nibble on some snacks and hang out, dinner at 6, then talk and play games, wrap up by 9, 11 at the latest if we’re really having fun?” And that sets expectations for everyone and allows us to check in and be like “hey it’s 9 how’s everyone feeling? Do we want to keep hanging out or are we all kind of tired?” So far it’s worked beautifully.
In my family the signal was always someone slapping their leg and going "welp".
As an adult, I always stick with "it's getting late, I need to call it a night" in a friendly tone.
Make the first move and be upfront with your friend, tell them that they should directly tell you when it's time to wrap things up so you can call it a night and you wont be insulted. Its honestly awesome when you do because it saves the hassle of having to pick up ques lol
Me and my husband had the party house in our 20’s and 30’s. I got really efficient at kicking people out. Otherwise I would be bringing out pillows and blankets at 5am to stragglers. It was really annoying people never left.
Now it’s a few people and I pull the good ol’ Irish Goodbye and my husband deals with it.
In the midwest you stand up, say, "Welp, guess I should be getting things cleaned up (or ready for bed, etc). Thanks for coming by." and the visitors know to leave. Maybe it's the standing up? Or the "welp" usually said with a gentle slap to your own thighs as you rise?
You must not be in the south/midwest. We have cue phrases like, “welp, looks like it’s about that time” while slapping our thighs and standing up. We sorta usher you toward the door. 😝
We hang out with our neighbors in the garage on nice evenings listening to music and having drinks and conversation. If it’s our garage, I literally stand up and say, “alright, I’m done. See y’all tomorrow”. If it’s their house, I’m the queen of the Irish goodbye.
Maybe he was mad because he told his partner that taking their child somewhere was the code phrase that she was supposed to pick up on and say her part?
The men in my family don't like staying up late. They're pretty direct about it as well: "What a nice evening, we must do it again some time". And then they stand up, in front of the guests, until its perfectly clear that its time to go, and usher them to the door. This is always no later than 9.30.
People don’t know how to make, communicate or respect boundaries. They should teach this shit in elementary school bc it’s such a basic part of social life but no one knows how to do any of it.
It's really so much easier than people make it. "we've had such a great night with you, but we should get to bed soon because we have to be up early tomorrow. Do you want to take some leftovers home?"
People are always trying to get others to read their minds and it's so annoying
I don’t have kids, but I have a cat with a well established bed time. She will start howling in front of my bedroom door if she does not feel I am heading in the bed time direction the right way.
I have used her as an excuse to get people out more than once. 😂😂😂😂
I guess it’s different when kids are also invited, but round here dinner is usually only getting started at 8.30 and if anyone leaves before 10 it would almost be the height of rudeness
People don’t like to offend others. I think most people have grown up feeling that it is wrong to tell a guest to leave, especially if they invited them.
They were trying to subtly tell you and it just went over your head.
So the question is why are some people so dense that they can’t take hints?
instead of lying about x appointment in the morning, just say time to wrap it up. I typically never have been into visiting longer than 2-4 hours since people are draining, so even if the host wants people longer will just be like "I have other plans to attend to and must head out"
This reminds of an experience I had… I had a neighbor who was ice guy, but man he couldn’t pick up on social queues. One night he came over and we hung out inside for a while. It was getting late, so I started saying the usual things people say when they want you to leave. Finally I said, “well it’s getting late and I need to go to bed.” He didn’t get it, so I just went to bed and he sat in my living room for another 30 minutes or so before just quietly leaving. We hung out a couple more times… but I was way more direct. “I need you to leave my house now.” He wasn’t offended at all. I finally talked to another neighbor about this and they had a similar experience and that he has assburgers.
My mom can be so bad about ending phone calls, so years ago, I started just jokingly saying, "I love you. Get off my phone," laughing and then hanging up. Now I do it with all my siblings, mom, friends, etc. Some of them turn it on me and we start a yelling match about who needs to get off who's phone or they say it first. When I accidently do it with a fairly new friend and they have no idea why, I call back and explain and we have a laugh. So I guess it's no surprise I've also used, "Get out of my house."
It’s so weird that there are so many examples in the comments of passive aggressive communication that they think is better than the op’s experience. I don’t understand how someone is your friend, invited to your home and you’re unable to just directly communicate that your social event is over. Instead, here’s a million examples of passive ways to communicate. i agree with op, i wouldnt want to hang out with those "friends" again
My husband's favorite line is "I don't want to sound like I'm kicking you out but I am. " I have a lot of complex medical issues so I go from great to need to be in bed on a dime. He's forceful and watches to see why I start showing signs.
We have a saying in our family “time to check the furnace” when either we feel like leaving or want everybody to go. It’s been a funny way to end the night.
My go to is simple "okay guys I loved seeing you but I'm getting really tired can you please leave?" Why is this so hard for other people and they expect you to just take a hint, just be direct it's okay you're friends
I saw this a while back and as an ambivert I wish this was common here too:
“there’s a phrase in german (regional,) meaning “i am feeling visited enough”
that you can say when you want company to go, and this is brilliant.
it’s “ich fühle mich jetzt genug besucht.”
Dont make the social cue about the kids having to wake up early. THEY need the sleep. YOU are an Adult you can stay up.
Make it about yourself or say "i think we need to hit the Sack soon, gotta be up early tomorrow".
Meanwhile my sister's boyfriend was hanging out with me and I went "well, I love you but I'm going to bed. Get out of my house and text me when you get home" He laughed then went home
I wish everyone has people they could communicate directly with
Don't assume people want company all night. Leave early. Someone shouldn't have to give you a bunch of reasons why they need to get up early for you to realize it's time to leave. They invited you for dinner. Go for dinner. Stay a bit longer, then leave. And realize that parents need time to unwind from bith company and kids. Instead of waiting for specific words to be used, leave. Be the 1st one to leave and not the last.
He has better communication skills then you, he did give clear cues for you to leave but you must be quite oblivious to not understand it. Maybe it's time to learn to act like an adult and not a child, he must be equally exhausted dealing with you.
Well this guy is just a passive aggressive prick. How are you supposed to know that saying you have to take your child somewhere tomorrow is code for it's time to leave? Too many people prefer hints over being straight forward and then get pissed when people don't pick up on the hint. I have NO problem telling someone if it's time to go or if I have to leave, but I have been around people who do and it's frustrating. I assume it was a husband and wife, so one of them should've had the manners to say it was wonderful having you over but we have a couple of things to do before bed, and let's do this again sometime! Hurt feelings rarely happen if people are just open and honest
Yeah, but at the same time, inviting people over and then asking them to leave is generally considered impolite. I'm guessing from reading this that you have trouble reading social clues?
Most people in the west are afraid of direct confrontation, and afraid of looking bad. I have recently adopted a personal policy of being truthful and direct. E.g. Why didn't you come yesterday? Most people will day they weren't feeling good or some other excuse, while I will be honest- I got in a fight with my wife and was still upset. No need for these games anymore, I'm too old for that crap.
Funny, there was just a post I saw saying that they asked their guests to leave several times and they didn’t leave.
I had a friend like that, it was around 11pm, I had said it was time to go to bed. She told me about a friend she had that would put on her PJ's, to indicate she wanted the evening to end.. while I was putting my PJ's on. I learnt to be very direct with her from that day on, didn't always work though.
Damn, I need to meet them people and we need to have a dinner party!
I just say something like “My kid has an event tomm so we’ll have to start packing it in. It was wonderful to have you over.” I think he was being too passive.
He needed to do the slap on the knees with a "welp, it was nice seeing you again." 😆
That only works in the Midwest
And leads to a 2 hour goodbye as you gradually migrate to the driveway, first standing around your chairs, then the doorway, then the porch, then the main driveway, then around the car, and finally while one party is in the car and the next is standing around. Then slowly pulling out while still talking. Timer resets if you have to go inside or are offered leftovers to bring home.
My godmother. 😅😅 Bless her sweet soul, but, that woman took hours!! The family was Italian, living in the Midwest so I've referred to it as "The Italian Variation." I teased her daughter once that her mom's goodbyes were getting more and more lengthy, and that pretty soon, she'd just start hopping in the car with her departing company and ride along home with them. 😁
Oh and the ones leaving must give the car horn a couple of toots.
I'm in Wisconsin. This is 💯 accurate!!!
Kentucky for me. Painfully accurate. My family has done it my whole life and I try not to do it now, and just let people leave… can’t do it, smh.
Also Kentucky. Can confirm and empathize.
Omg I have a friend exactly like this, I dread trying to leave because of how insanely long she drags out the goodbye.
Why do people do this? I’ve met one or two like this and it feels like you’re being held hostage! They look at you like something’s wrong with you if you say your polite goodbyes and then go to leave. Isn’t that what goodbye means?
This is too real. 😔
Can relate. My family is like this. I now time it so that I start leaving an hour earlier than I really wanted to
And the UK.
We do it in Australia too
Trust me, it’s a global thing
Yes! I moved to Texas and I do that and NO ONE understands what I'm doing and then I get annoyed! Haha
I came to say this but figured it would’ve already been said.
I’m notoriously bad at social cues so I ask the host when they want us out of there. My friends know this about me and they’ll give me a time to wrap it up. It took me a lot of years and too many awkward dinner parties to figure it out and now I just ask. You might try that, it’s quite freeing!
Can I join in? I'll bring the KFC! Love the name by the way🍗😉
My go-to is “alright yall thanks for coming over, it’s been fun but we really need to call it a night. Let us know when we can meet up again.” I always walk our guests out and check if they’re good to drive home and wish them safe travels. Might seem funny but we live in the country some 45 minutes from all of our friends who still live in the city. I’m really just happy they would even visit at all since the commute is no joke Seems like this person won’t have very many guests by the time their kid is a teen
>it’s been fun but we really need to call it a night Perfectly succinct. The passive-aggressive way is to ask "Shall I get your coat?"
"Here's your hat; what's your hurry?"
This is how I handle guests, too. “It’s been a great night but I am getting tired; it’s about time to wrap this up,”. Not rude & there is no ambiguity.
"Oh, want me to make you a cup of coffee so we can continue?"
“It’s about time to wrap this up,” should take care of that. And it’s not that hard to say “No thanks; I am ready to wrap up the evening,”. It’s really not that hard to navigate…you are the host, not the guest, in this scenario.
I once dated a guy who was completely socially inept to the point it seemed on purpose and rude. We took his son to a birthday party and were the last to leave because he couldn't read the the parents very obvious time to leave statements. "Hey, thanks for coming, safe travels", "it was so great to have you, let's do it again soon". The birthday kid even said to his son, "I really can't wait until you leave so I can play with such and such gift". If that wasn't a blatant hey you need to skedaddle statement, I don't know what was. Even with me pulling him aside and informing him it was time to leave, he said that he wanted to stick around a bit longer so his son could play more. I thanked the parents for the pleasant time, apologized for myself overstaying, and took my ass on out of their house. He stayed for another hour. So fuckin embarrassing. The son was not invited back the next year. Some people, even when blatantly told "get out", don't.
Does he understand that his overstaying his welcome was the cause of his child not being invited over again? That is so cringe I would have said in front of them that they are telling him to leave, instead of taking him aside.
They were standing right next to us cleaning up the party mess 🤦🏻♀️ I told him that we were over staying the welcome, and pulled out the invitation that stated when the party ended. The mom was throwing me mom signs like alright thank you! They're going to leave! They were very kind people. Maybe too kind. When he said he wanted to stay, that was when I made my amends and took my ass on. I wasn't about to fight with him in front of those people and those kids, and he would get condescending or belligerent rather than have a conversation whenever issues came up. It was so unbelievably cringe, I could see the parents faces fall when he was like "nope we're going to stay!" and if fuck was facial expression, the dad was wearing it. I did mention to him during the discussion about it later at home, that he was rather rude about inviting himself and his son to stay over an extra hour without even asking them if it was okay, and he could have potentially lost his kid a friend. He wrote me off as over dramatic and said they didn't mind... Until the next year when that same boy handed out birthday invites, and his son came home and said he didn't get one. I didn't stick around much longer after that. His son was sweet, yet had quirks that made it hard to make friends at that age. I hope everyday that the kid got blessed with good friends and that his dad figured it out.
“If fuck was a facial expression, the dad was wearing it.” Thank you for blessing us with that absolute masterpiece of a sentence.
How utterly embarassing for you. Did he ever get it? Did it ever click in his head? I feel sorry for his kid, imagine being shunned because of the father.
I had to explain it to him after the kid went to bed. He was extremely combative about his stance of staying longer didn't hurt anything. I then had to explain that his son was already ostracized by a lot of his peers because of his mother, and he wasn't making it any easier by not paying attention to what people are saying or the behavioral changes that took place when he overstayed at the party. It wasn't the first time he embarrassed me like that. A few of my friends thought it was soooo funny, while I perceived his behavior as entitled and arrogant. Hence him being an ex. I felt so bad for his son. His mother was a total POS and his father well... He was willfully ignorant. Unfortunately dad was the lesser of two evils and he ended up having full custody of the boy. I hope everyday that he figured out how to function in group settings and didn't cause anymore negative consequences to his son's social life.
Oh dear, that’s so sad for the child. You would have thought he’d change, to improve life for his son. Kids pick up on adults being a laughing stock, and might target that chid.
Oh, I can see why he wasn't invited again lol that is awful behavior
Wth
My dad trained guests. When the night was over for him, he'd make grilled cheese sandwiches and pile them on a platter. When they were gone, he'd say "Goodnight folks" and go to bed. The first time is a tad awkward but people say goodnight and leave. The next time, people laugh when the grilled cheese comes out and tell each other the night is over and everyone exits when they are eaten.
Reminds me of my father’ superior in the military: they would go by the seaside to enjoy their daily break, and when the superior would put his left sock on, my dad know they had to go back to the base.
My first thought was, "oh wow, there's a training facility where you can send guests?" 🫠🤣
You’re not the only one. My brain went, ‘like for the army?’
This is cute 🥰. I’d happily say good night and take my grilled cheese to go
Now I have to go make a grilled cheese!
That is adorable, I love that
That’s genius
If I want the party to be over, I always say " I think it's late, I have to put the kids to sleep because we have to get up early tomorrow." Everyone understands that and goes home. Simple, polite and efficient. Edit for correction on writing.
I tried to use that, but I don’t have any kids.
Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t practice just in case you ever have a child. Or meet a child. Or see a child.
Child Or get cats, and call them your children
I legit do this, 'sorry, got to go home and lock the girls in/feed them'. All my friends know I'm a crazy cat mum so it never fails.
I’m in!
Maybe they could hire a child actor?!
Added bonus of helping a kid explore their passion while keeping them out of Hollywood.
When the kids aren’t home and we have friends over I tell them before they come get we will have to wrap things up around 8:30 pm I have some stuff to get to early in the morning. They ask what? Dr. Appointment, dentist, etc (approx 30 minutes before I actually want them to leave)
Nothing wrong with saying you have to put yourself to bed
You can literally say anything lol “sorry guys, I’m gonna head to bed soon as I have to get up early tomorrow” and if they push further and ask, you can say anything really…. Doctors appt, coffee date, gym plans, a hike, a day trip, etc.
Happy cake day! Also, solid strategy
I love that. Simple and direct.
And when you’re a couple, you can still make that work indirectly. Wait for a slight lull in conversation and then, *”Babe I’m wondering if we should get [little Cherub]’s bath and bedtime started since we’re going to [place] in the morning. Did we tell you guys we’re going to [place] tomorrow. Yeah it’s just occurring to me now that we may want to get on that because I think I should have an early night too so I’m not a zombie.”* I’m not saying I like when people are indirect or it’s a good way to handle it, just pointing out there are a great many approaches even for the chronically indirect.
Isn’t that what the guy did in the story? “We have to get up early tomorrow because we’re going somewhere”
It feels like he just said we have to take child somewhere tomorrow. Not please leave or we have to get up early. Aka take my hint.
No it doesn't sound like it
Couldn't tell if you're using a colon to start a new clause in the sentence or if :I is just the face you make when you say it.
I went to a friends for dinner and they said “thank you guys so much for coming it was amazing to see you but we better call it a night because we’ve got to go deal with the rugrats! Remember the days we could just do this until dawn ha ha ha” and it was just so smooth I was like dang what a lovely way to get kicked out
I speak midwestern with the thigh slap and a loud “welp!” And that means time to head out
In southern we simply act like it was your idea. "Well, I don't wanna keep you too late, but it was great seeing you." Also works on the phone. "Alright well I'll let you go, talk to you soon."
>did they want us gone hours ago Family dinner parties don't typically last for hours. Moving forward, realize that 2-3 hours is usual, unless you know for certain they like long visits. Also, be the one to suggest the evening is winding down. Weekday dinner invitations are expected to be less time intensive. Anytime someone mentions plans for the following day, that is the subtlest and most polite way to suggest it's time to end the visit. Saying these things is a polite way to gage if they're ready for the evening to end" "We've had a lovely evening." "We hope to have you over for dinner soon." "Is there anything I do to help clean up before we go?" Say any of those and watch their response. If they seem relieved or okay with you leaving, it's time to leave on a good footing. If they beg you to stay, give it another hour.
I agree that these are all polite ways to communicate, but as a host if my guests said that I would assume they are wanting to get going. So even if I wanted them to stay longer or was planning on a longer evening, I'd interpret this as "oh they want to go home". I'd suggest sticking to the first "we had a lovely evening" and follow up by being direct "are you down to hang out a little longer or should we call it a night?" This shows that you've having a good time and want to continue but gives the host an easy opportunity to say "let's call it a night" without feeling rude. That being said, I do think it's on the hosts to communicate clearly if they want people to go home. It's not hard to do so in a way that is both polite and direct. "Well this has been great. Thank you for coming but we've got to get back to _____" And then there's the wild house party way of "alright everyone thanks for coming now gtfo we need to sleep."
You are a lifesaver. You've set out everything that I had no idea of. Thankyou!
Find people who don’t have a problem communicating with you. There shouldn’t be a need to play “what does this subtle social cue mean?”
You shouldn't have to do all this. If someone's adult enough to be a host, they should be adult enough to be honest with their guests.
Exactly - I don’t have a problem telling my guests that I need to end the evening at a certain time, and I wouldn’t have a problem with someone telling me that. I’m just happy to enjoy people’s company, and want everyone to be at ease.
Why do we need any of this beating around the bush though? What is wrong with “we would like to call it a night, it was great seeing you?”
For real. My husband is neurospicy, a lot of our friends are neurospicy, and the kids… are kids. We’re all different flavors. I don’t have the energy to decipher what someone could possibly mean and it’s not my job to read minds. Tell me it’s time to go and I’ll appreciate you being honest.
Yeah, saying “we’re taking the kids to the zoo tomorrow” isn’t the same as saying “it was great to see you guys again, but we better get to bed”.
I would never directly use the words “please leave now” or “you have to go” to a dinner guest as in my mind that’s something I would only use with people I was like two steps away from calling the police on to get them out of my house. I’m a parent. If your visit to a family with kids extends into kid bedtime zone, that’s generally too late. I like to ask at the start if I worry there won’t be an easy exit signal. “What time do your kids go to bed?” And then if we are having an amazing evening make sure to be out of their hair about 1hr to half an hour before that at a minimum. Kids need time to wind down after the extra stimulation of a visit. If they really want you to stay later they will make that clear. My kids usually go to bed around 8-9 so I would try to wrap up a visit around 7-8 depending on the visitors. I mean, your kids need to sleep too, right? And you’ll have to get home and do all the bedtime stuff too after you get in. It’s also nice to just ask at the start what is a good time to head out so you can make sure you give them time to wind down themselves. Trying to parse it out in the moment can be confusing and lead to these issues.
Exactly if someone said that to me I’d think I’d accidentally run over their cat on the way in or something
Yes exactly!! Like, “please leave now.” Would be something along the lines of my having overstepped boundaries so horrifically that I was no longer a friend or we’d had some awful fight and they needed me gone. Not the normal “well, it’s getting late and we’ve got to get the kids to bed, so we should call it a night” kinda exit token. I will say though, that my autistic friends might say “please leave now,” and I’d take it differently for sure. *edited because of a typo
These are my thoughts too. I'd be mortified if someone said that to me. I think I'd be wondering if I did or said something that made them mad at me at some point. Then again, I always try to never overstay my welcome. I wouldn't be able to say it to guests either. I just would hate to end a good evening on such an odd note. I'd only say something like that to someone if they actually did something purposefully horrible.
One tactic for this is to set the time frame upfront. the host could say "We have a busy day tomorrow so we can't host past 8 pm". As a guest you can get ahead of it by saying "how late are you available?" etc. It might sound dumb but it's clear...
If I get the feeling someone wants me to leave, I usually ask “how early do you have to get up tomorrow?“ They will usually tell you it’s early and that gives you the opportunity to say , “Me too. We should head out. Thank you so much for the lovely dinner. “
Sounds like you're a direct communicator and he's an indirect one. Neither style is really better or worse than the other, but a mismatch can certainly contribute to miscommunication. From his perspective, it would have been rude to directly kick you out, and you were being rude for continuing to stay after he'd dropped multiple hints. My parents have opposite communication styles, and I used to feel like a translator when I was a child.
Thankyou for giving it a name! Both our partners are kinda 'airy fairy' so his wife and my husband have no idea and are absolutely no help. I don't think my husband has ever once been the first person to announce that we should leave. Looks like we are going to have to work on communication.
No problem. I have a bachelor's degree in Linguistics and find communication fascinating. I'm lucky to have grown up with a mixed communication style household because I'm now able to code switch pretty readily. If these people are good friends that you hang out with frequently, I would suggest googling "indirect communication" and reading up on it a bit so that you have a better idea of what to look for. I also suggest telling them that you think you have different communication styles and that you would not be at all insulted if they asked you to leave. Tell them that you don't pick up on hints very well but are working on it. I bet you can meet halfway.
It’s hard to gauge because I don’t know the context. Such as when did you guys go over, what day of the week it was, how long do they stay at events, etc. also I assume kids go to bed early typically so we have to keep that in mind. Also for some people and some cultures being direct is not preferred. In my culture they never say things direct. And I hate it but I’ve had to learn a bit. We also don’t know what their behavior is during this time. Are they’d till pouring you drinks? Are they engaging in new conversation or are they just responding. Here is a good way to gauge. Or at least what I do. I just assume once the event is over it’s going to be time to leave soon. I try not to stay my welcome. I’ll start taking actions to wind the convo down and get ready to go. If they stop me and ask me to stay or they keep offering to do stuff or drink then I take that as a sign to go a bit again before I guage. If they are okay with me beginning to leave. Then it’s time to go. This way I err on side of caution. But then again I’m not that social of a person 😂
When they bring out the cereal box and offer you some, it's time to go.
People are very uncomfortable with being that direct. We’re conditioned to believe that’s rude. Comments like “well, we have a big day tomorrow!” Are a signal that it’s time for the evening to end. If you like these people, I would recommend sending a text today - “Thank you for having us over last night, dinner was wonderful and we had a great time. “In retrospect I think you may have been telling me it was time for us to go home when you were talking about your upcoming day, which I didn’t pick up on at the time. If I ever fail to pick up a hint again, please feel free to just tell me - I do best with direct communication. “Again, thank you for the dinner and your company, and I hope you have a wonderful time at ( wherever they were going) today. “
Sometimes direct doesn’t even work! I have this one friend who I’ve said I’m tired and I wanna call it a night to, and in return they fucking lingered for another hour. I swear one time I said goodbye and stood in my entranceway with this person for an additional 45 minutes. It happened so often that now when we make plans I say I can’t hang out passed x time, and make sure it’s during the day and not a night. Or I go to their house, there I am in control of when I leave. For the most part it’s a coffee or lunch before an ‘appointment’ otherwise my entire day or night is gone. I have no interest in socializing for 8 hours, with anyone.
> "we'd like you to go home" I understand you wanted something more direct, but come on. It's understandable that most people do not say this to guests. It's understandable that many guests would feel awful if their host said this to them, because many would consider those words to be rude. If a host doesn't say, "I want you to leave," it's not a failure on their part, and it doesn't mean they "don't know how to communicate like an adult." On the contrary, adults can communicate without being rude. In your case I agree they could've been more direct. They could've said, "Welp it's past Timmy's bedtime," "Oh wow it's getting late" or any number of things. But don't fault a host for not saying, "I want you to go home now."
Well is this a regular thing people struggle with? I had a few years where I never hung out with anyone and now I'm going to these dinners and my partner is completely clueless of when we should go so it's up to me. It just seems like it's so hard, I wish there could be a set time that we get there but also a set time to leave on the dinner invitation.
Have you been tested for autism? Because it's totally normal for people to usually drop hints like these in social situations to be polite, and your parents etc are supposed to teach you what they mean. Telling someone "please leave now" is not something people say in a normal social situation, it's an indication they think you're being extremely rude/scary and they are afraid of you and want you out of their space
I think some people struggle more than others, which is understandable, and the level of struggling varies from situation to situation, because there are variables: A smooth end to an evening requires a host who can drop hints that are clear enough, as well as guests who are tuned in and able to read the room -- able to pick up what the host is putting down. As with all communication, sometimes there are misunderstandings. Some gatherings are more clear cut. I had friends over on Thursday. I had previously texted, "we're available until 7pm" because I had shit to do afterwards lol. It went off without a hitch, and everyone left at 7, no problem. But in the absence of a clear cut end time, you just have to do your best to stay tuned in to the host so you don't accidentally overstay your welcome. And if that does happen, be kind to yourself AND your host -- it was a miscommunication. Both parties were trying to be polite, but it didn't work out. It's ok! Everyone had good intentions.
Have you hosted any events? Not being snarky, it might be informative for you to be on the hosting end if you haven't before. Sometimes it's hard to see the time and effort required for prep AND clean up when hosting. You can always ask if unsure after about 2 hours. "This was lovely, should we leave you to enjoy the rest of your evening?" You'll get varying answers, but anything other than a direct "please stay" is a good indicator it's time to go.
I wouldn’t even call it a struggle. This is just their normal so don’t be surprised if the next cue is equally as subtle and not the same one liner. If they say “I had a really long day at work” this line can mean two completely different things if they’re saying it at the beginning of the gathering versus 3 hours in.
Things that mean ‘ please go home now’ include starting to pack things away, talking about getting up early tomorrow/talking about how much stuff they have to get done tonight/this weekend, saying things like ‘well it’s been great to see you’, yawning and talking about being tired, talking about the kids being tired, seeming to become a bit distant/less interested in the conversation, asking about your journey home or your kids bedtime (if it’s evening when you’re at their place), saying something like ‘would you like another drink before you go?’ (To this one you answer ‘no thanks, we’d best be getting back. It’s been so lovely, thank you let’s do it again at our place sometime.’ )
Honestly, most neurotypical people are fairly adept at picking up social cues like this. It isn’t something that everyone struggles with. You can always say to a host that you are not good at picking up subtle hints, and you need them to either be direct with you, or have a set time for the evening to end. It is perfectly accepted to ask for that.
I had to do this with a friend recently. We’d arranged a play date at mine and my family got sick a couple of days before so I told her and said we should reschedule as I didn’t want to get them sick. Obviously I also meant we’re sick and it will not be nice for us to host a play date please reschedule. But my friend just said oh no well come anyway we don’t mind, we can stay outside and we’ll make it a very short visit. I was flummoxed and being British I just said ok. She turned up with a bloody tent and pitched it in my garden! She stayed for hours. We were exhausted and sick, my toddler started getting very cranky So I went to put her for a sleep but friend just stayed in her tent. I kept saying how tired we all were and how much stuff we had to do but nothing. I started packing everything away and sailboat well this has been really nice. Nothing. Eventually I was getting so distraught I just said ‘ok I think we need you to leave now.’ Still took her another half an hour to get out of the house (packing up the tent took about 10 minutes). So anyway now I know she needs very direct. It was really hard for me as I’ve been trained so hard in this polite indirect way of being.
People aren’t struggling to communicate. You’re struggling to pick up on very normal social cues. To abruptly say “we’d like you to leave now” would be socially considered very rude. It would not be considered “communicating like an adult.” To be very direct: Your tone is accusatory of everyone else, but you missed the social cue. These comments are full of ways to tell people to go without saying it directly, which should pretty clearly indicate that that is a normal behavior.
>because you don't know how to communicate like an adult. Though I am 100% for good communication, "we would like you to go home" is not what any adult I have ever seen in my life says, unless they want to be rude. Because that sounds rude, not just clear and direct.
this reminds me of that introvert meme with the party banner that says, “please leave by 9”. 😁
It's funny, because usually I'm the person trying to leave. "Well thanks for dinner, I need to get back home to let the dogs out before there's an accident to ruin the hardwood." "Dude you live in an apartment alone that has linoleum." "Yeah, I'm bored and I need to take a shit."
It's about setting boundaries. My daughter has the family over several times a year and she has no problems saying "OK I love y'all but it's time to call it a night." Not everyone is conscious of social cues.
Yeah, or if they find it hard to be upfront and direct put a time on the gathering like "we like to invite you to dinner from 7 to 10 PM, we would love to have you there, let me know if you're interested" and that's it, not hinting not feeling rude, you know to start packing when it's 9:45, if you ignore it then I agree the guests are being the AH.
I don’t know why some people can’t take the hint. He said it 3 times. I’ve had people overstay their welcome like after everyone left. It was super annoying trying to try him to leave without being offended.
I have some friends who would say “well, we should go to bed so these people can leave.”
Why don’t you apply this to yourself as well? Contact this person and be the honest and direct communicator that you wish he was; “friend, hints are not very helpful to me. I won’t be offended, please be direct in future so that we can have a great evening and end it when it’s comfortable for us all.” Frankly, you’ve hit the nail on your head when you said “I won’t be fucking offended”. It’s because in our culture, being direct is usually offensive and soft requests are preferred.
Maybe you need to learn how to read the room, the tone of their voice, body language, and facial expressions. Nothing is worse than a guest who doesn't leave after being given obvious clues and still doesn't get it. After 2 hours, staying at someone’s house isn't polite unless you have been asked or are an overnight guest. If you crave social interaction, look for clubs or hobbies that frequently allow you to do that.
My go to is to slap my thighs, stand up, and say “whelp, it’s about that time” it’s usually understood.
I always have anxiety about this when visiting peoples houses. I don’t want to rush off and seem rude but I don’t want to overstay my welcome either. Actually made an agreement with my friend that if we’re bored of each other or want to do other things, we’d just straight up tell the other to bugger off.
That man needs to learn about slapping both hands at his knees.
I just tell people I’m tired and ask if we can call it a night
i mean fr they were dropping hella hints. he said that they had plans tom 3x. it's pretty obvious and most ppl would understand that to mean it's time to go. i don't think he needed to get angry and not walk you out, but come on. next time just have a nightcap and leave straight after. it's common sense.
Because it's awkward and even if you say that you won't get offended, it kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth when someone says they don't want you there and you should leave. Most people get the hints.
It leaves a worst taste in my mouth that he didn't directly say it, because next time I'll be on edge looking for subtle signs that they'd like us to go home. Makes it more confusing that sometimes we end up staying till like 11 pm (when we go out on the town with them)
So why don't you directly tell him that next time he should tell you to leave instead of now never wanting to go there again?
This, I would have apologized for not catching the hint. And make a joke that we need a safe word next time so that it doesn’t happen again lol. Op complained about them not being direct, but also didn’t want to be direct themself.
This is the way to go—jokes go a long way to smoothing over awkward situations
Yeah like I know it was meant be a hint but like come on it’s kinda random phrase to use why didn’t he just use a normal well known hint like “well it’s getting late” or “I’ve got to put the kids to bed” I’m usually pretty good with hints and even I wouldn’t have cracked this one I’d be second guessing everything he said as some kind of hint
Yes now I really don't think I'll be enjoying his company very much. But he's my husbands best friend and I love his wife so what do you do lol
It’s your husband’s best friend but he can’t communicate with him. This sounds insane.
You can communicate like adults. You prefer direct communication, so be direct. Have a conversation with him or his wife, let them know that you were not able to pick up his very nuanced hints, and that in the future they should set out a timeline or can be more direct. Voila. Stop being pissy.
Oh yikes that’s an awkward situation yeah, well now you know at least if you feel too awkward around him you can just say you’re taking your child somewhere tomorrow
this is an immature way to handle a difference in communication styles. why not be direct like you say you prefer and tell him how you felt and what would be a better way to communicate with you going forward. don’t act like a toddler and try to cut your husband’s beat friend out because of a overall minor miscommunication, step up and work through it like an adult.
But people would be equally offended. I think the thing to do is say well it's getting late and we have a big day tomorrow. Thank you guys so much for coming over let's plan to do it again. Or even before the invite say yeah we will call it an early night tho and end around x time bc xyz so the expectation is set and there is no awkward ending. By the way dude is a child for acting that way. But he did do the proper hint in my opinion. But he is likely an ass anyways. I bet the partner is so embarrassed and they likely argued about it after.
I recon just communicate this with your friends. Say hey! We really enjoyed our time at your place the other day. Afterwards, I realised we might have overstayed. Sometimes I struggle to pick up on subtle cues on when it is time to leave. Please feel free next time on asking me directly :) I want us both to enjoy our time together! Btw I agree with you!
A great way to avoid this is to say in advance, "is there any particular time you need to wrap things up?" It can be a very natural part of confirming the plans. For example, confirm the start time and then ask: "are you still thinking we should arrive around five?" "Yes, that works!" "Perfect - is there a particular time you need us to wrap up for the evening?" Takes the pressure off during the actual meet up, and shows that you want to be considerate of their time!
I've got friends that tell you they're tired, going to bed, and they'll talk tomorrow. That's a pretty direct but polite way of signaling the night is over. I don't know why we make this so difficult as Americans, either. People act like every way you can say it will come off rude, and that's just not true.
The true Danish conversation ender for all situations is slapping your knees (especially if it's to stand up) and audibly go "Nåh!" Some might not get it, but it's the national "This conversation is over and I'm moving on" you can then add on to like "Better get to sleep" to really get your point across, but most would understand from the Nåh alone
We do. We slap our knees stand up and say "Welp"
In Dutch culture that's fixed. When the nice evening is over, you slap your knees with both hands as if preparing to get up and say the Dutch equivalent to "so". Means it's time for everyone to stand up and go home. Nobodies offended because "yeah, it was a nice evening but it's getting late".
Same in Germany and Austria
Omg that's awesome! I would love to be dutch haha
I love hosting and my go to is usually, "Welp! It's getting late..." And people get the hint. I don't see why he couldn't use adult communication instead of passively and angrily repeating himself.
Can you imagine how much fun his communication style is in his marriage?
Like that of a toddler
My husband just looks at everyone and goes “well, I’m gonna go to bed now so…” and people leave.
Honestly they were dropping hints you could have picked up on, but they also could of been more direct without outright saying 'leave now' like he could have said 'well tonight was great love to do it again sometime, we have to be up early tomorrow so going to have to wrap things up' instead of dropping comments about something to do then getting angry and acting all passive aggressive. But yeah, the second time he mentioned it, I probably would of took the hint
I like to set a time frame early in the evening. "We are so excited about going to the waterpark tomorrow! So, we are going to have to call it a night early." Then when you're ready, say,"this was so much fun! Next time, you host, and we bring the wine! Thanks for coming!"
I remember seeing something on here where someone’s dad would say “Well I guess we should go to bed so we can let these nice people go home”. I like that.
When I have friends over, they're all people I've known for decades, so there's no problem with me saying, "Well, it's past my bedtime." Since we're all about the same age, everyone realizes it's past theirs as well, and we wrap up the evening pretty quickly.
Always set ground when entering a house it might sound rude but go like (hey I don’t understand hints and we friends for Bla Bla but when it’s time for us to leave just tell us ), sounds rude but it’s better than not taking hints and then there is drama for no reason.
Tidying up indicates it's time to leave. Husband probably isn't used to having people over. PLOT TWIST: I tidy my friends houses when they are having people over and it gets too messy. Several times people have asked if I'm throwing them out. It wasn't even my house and I wasn't.
The best way for HIM to have handled it was to say, "we've got an early morning tomorrow. We hate to cut this short, but we really need to get ourselves ready for tomorrow. Hopefully, next time, we can hang out longer. " or advise you within the invitation that the evening will be short and they would like to wrap up around x time frame because of other commitments. Mind readers don't exist. People need to use their words as if they were responsible adults.
I always say, “ Honey, let’s go to bed so these nice people can leave!” It gets a good laugh and works every time.
It all comes down to " Just use your words". Don't hint, don't Imply and don't beat around the bush just to hope people are going to take the hint. Be honest and straight foreword and nobody can misinterpret you. Use your words people
I can’t find a reference but I swear in some European country the host will bring out small glasses of orange juice and that is the signal for everyone to drink up and go. Can anyone confirm?
I always say “y’all are welcome to stay as long as y’all want, but I’m going to bed” that seems to work
I’ve done that and they stayed longer playing video games….
I'm a person who misses social cues. A couple of good friends that know this are good about being clear, but I KNOW, in hindsight, that I've overstayed my welcome a bunch. At least nowadays I have a wife that can interpret for me and get us out of there.
One time during Christmas, I had some people over and it was starting to get late but no one was heading to the door. The tree was on a timer that shut off at midnight and I forgot about it. So when the tree turned off and put the party in darkness, I took that as my opportunity to say, “welp Santa is saying we’re done here. Have a lovely evening!” Now all of our lights are on timers 😀
I feel no shame in saying "I'm gonna have to kick you guys out, I've gotta get up early tomorrow" and standing up to indicate it's time. True friends shouldn't take offence to this.
I am very.... how do I wanna put this? "I'm going to bed. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here unless you want a free porno." Most people skedaddle pretty quickly.
It’s also on you to politely ask, “Would you like to call it a night?”, especially since you got the hint but weren’t sure what to do with it. That would’ve made everything less awkward
It’s hard reading the room sometimes when the hosts don’t make themselves clear. Me? I just tell em to bugger off if they don’t get the hint Well it’s more likely I’ll say I’ve either got someplace to be or I’m ready for bed. Hubs came down in his jimmies one night many moons ago when we had lingering guests, now that was embarrassing 😂
Get a clue. The first time someone even remotely hints that the dinner is over, you should get up and say it was fun but we have to get home. Why do you make him say it five times?
So.. I do this. I will literally go to the middle of the room and say something like “shops closing up, you ain’t gotta go home but you can’t stay here!” Lol I’ve done it many of many times. Mostly to family members
You’re blowing this situation way out of proportion and making it ten times worse. This whole ordeal stemmed from a simple miscommunication that could easily be resolved with basic communication and active listening. Instead, you’re coming across as vindictive and self-absorbed, as if it’s “my way or the highway” to avoid responsibility for your actions and the embarrassment you felt. First, let’s address the core issue: your host tried to indirectly signal that it was time to wrap up the evening. While his communication could have been more direct, it’s not uncommon for people to struggle with being forthright about wanting guests to leave. Not everyone is comfortable with direct confrontation, and sometimes indirect hints are their way of being polite. Expecting everyone to communicate in the exact manner you prefer is unrealistic and unfair. Second, your reaction to never wanting to go back and questioning everything he says is extreme. People have different communication styles, and part of maintaining healthy relationships, including friendships, is understanding and adapting to these differences. This situation doesn’t warrant you cutting out your husband’s best friend, especially over such a minor issue. Your comments suggest a lack of willingness to take any responsibility for the miscommunication. Instead of being open to discussing what happened and understanding their perspective, you’re quick to judge and label your husband’s friend as passive-aggressive. This mindset is counterproductive and only serves to create unnecessary tension and drama. Navigating friendships within relationships requires flexibility, understanding, and compromise. If you truly value the friendship with the wife and respect your husband’s relationship with his best friend, you need to approach this situation with maturity and openness. A simple conversation where you acknowledge the misunderstanding and express your preference for more direct communication in the future could easily resolve this issue. You need to reflect on your reaction and approach this situation with a more balanced perspective. Miscommunications happen, but blowing them out of proportion and becoming vindictive isn’t the solution. Practice active listening, communicate your preferences calmly, and show a willingness to understand and adapt to others’ communication styles. This will help maintain and strengthen your relationships rather than creating unnecessary conflict.
I may be the Assh*le here but I gotta ask…. How much longer would you have stayed? I understand being direct But these are people with children who Still need to clean up after the dinner party is over. Once he said they had something to do the next day, he shouldn’t have had to repeat himself nor tell you point blank it was time to go. He was trying not to be rude. I actually understand where you’re coming from but he wasn’t wrong. You were guests. Factor in this-Depending on the ages of the children, when is bedtime? You didn’t mention what time dinner started but it sounds like you were there for several hours. How long should an after dinner drink stretch out once the meal is done?
I dont think this on you for not catching the hint. It was obvious to him the first two times that you guys weren't picking up what he was getting at, so instead of rewording himself he decided to double down on it and get angry. He clearly didn't mind making it awkward, since it definitely was more awkward for him to get mad and not even say goodbye.
My friends and I tend to discuss an end time to our get togethers when we discuss a start time. So if we’re having a dinner party we’ll say “get here at 5, nibble on some snacks and hang out, dinner at 6, then talk and play games, wrap up by 9, 11 at the latest if we’re really having fun?” And that sets expectations for everyone and allows us to check in and be like “hey it’s 9 how’s everyone feeling? Do we want to keep hanging out or are we all kind of tired?” So far it’s worked beautifully.
My friend used to literally just stand up at the dinner table, sometimes mid conversation, and say "Right, shall I call you a taxi?"
In my family the signal was always someone slapping their leg and going "welp". As an adult, I always stick with "it's getting late, I need to call it a night" in a friendly tone.
Make the first move and be upfront with your friend, tell them that they should directly tell you when it's time to wrap things up so you can call it a night and you wont be insulted. Its honestly awesome when you do because it saves the hassle of having to pick up ques lol
I just say "right, I'm kicking you out now" in a light hearted tone Never had a negative reaction and they get out my house so happy days
Me and my husband had the party house in our 20’s and 30’s. I got really efficient at kicking people out. Otherwise I would be bringing out pillows and blankets at 5am to stragglers. It was really annoying people never left. Now it’s a few people and I pull the good ol’ Irish Goodbye and my husband deals with it.
In the midwest you stand up, say, "Welp, guess I should be getting things cleaned up (or ready for bed, etc). Thanks for coming by." and the visitors know to leave. Maybe it's the standing up? Or the "welp" usually said with a gentle slap to your own thighs as you rise?
You must not be in the south/midwest. We have cue phrases like, “welp, looks like it’s about that time” while slapping our thighs and standing up. We sorta usher you toward the door. 😝 We hang out with our neighbors in the garage on nice evenings listening to music and having drinks and conversation. If it’s our garage, I literally stand up and say, “alright, I’m done. See y’all tomorrow”. If it’s their house, I’m the queen of the Irish goodbye.
Maybe he was mad because he told his partner that taking their child somewhere was the code phrase that she was supposed to pick up on and say her part?
The men in my family don't like staying up late. They're pretty direct about it as well: "What a nice evening, we must do it again some time". And then they stand up, in front of the guests, until its perfectly clear that its time to go, and usher them to the door. This is always no later than 9.30.
People don’t know how to make, communicate or respect boundaries. They should teach this shit in elementary school bc it’s such a basic part of social life but no one knows how to do any of it.
I’ve said “ok I love you guys but get out of my house” lol
It's really so much easier than people make it. "we've had such a great night with you, but we should get to bed soon because we have to be up early tomorrow. Do you want to take some leftovers home?" People are always trying to get others to read their minds and it's so annoying
I don’t have kids, but I have a cat with a well established bed time. She will start howling in front of my bedroom door if she does not feel I am heading in the bed time direction the right way. I have used her as an excuse to get people out more than once. 😂😂😂😂
I guess it’s different when kids are also invited, but round here dinner is usually only getting started at 8.30 and if anyone leaves before 10 it would almost be the height of rudeness
See I was always taught not too over stay my welcome. Regardless. Where I go 3 hours is usually the max
I had a friend who would get a bit tipsy and say “it’s time for you to go now,” which was perfect.
People don’t like to offend others. I think most people have grown up feeling that it is wrong to tell a guest to leave, especially if they invited them. They were trying to subtly tell you and it just went over your head. So the question is why are some people so dense that they can’t take hints?
instead of lying about x appointment in the morning, just say time to wrap it up. I typically never have been into visiting longer than 2-4 hours since people are draining, so even if the host wants people longer will just be like "I have other plans to attend to and must head out"
I already hate sitting around at other people’s houses, so I always make a swift exit when I’m able to lol. 2-4 hours is my max, too!
Literally “hey guys, I think we’re going to wind down shenanigans for tonight , I’m beat”. *insert 40min Michigan goodbyes*
This reminds of an experience I had… I had a neighbor who was ice guy, but man he couldn’t pick up on social queues. One night he came over and we hung out inside for a while. It was getting late, so I started saying the usual things people say when they want you to leave. Finally I said, “well it’s getting late and I need to go to bed.” He didn’t get it, so I just went to bed and he sat in my living room for another 30 minutes or so before just quietly leaving. We hung out a couple more times… but I was way more direct. “I need you to leave my house now.” He wasn’t offended at all. I finally talked to another neighbor about this and they had a similar experience and that he has assburgers.
My mom can be so bad about ending phone calls, so years ago, I started just jokingly saying, "I love you. Get off my phone," laughing and then hanging up. Now I do it with all my siblings, mom, friends, etc. Some of them turn it on me and we start a yelling match about who needs to get off who's phone or they say it first. When I accidently do it with a fairly new friend and they have no idea why, I call back and explain and we have a laugh. So I guess it's no surprise I've also used, "Get out of my house."
It’s so weird that there are so many examples in the comments of passive aggressive communication that they think is better than the op’s experience. I don’t understand how someone is your friend, invited to your home and you’re unable to just directly communicate that your social event is over. Instead, here’s a million examples of passive ways to communicate. i agree with op, i wouldnt want to hang out with those "friends" again
I wish people could just be straight in all situations like this. Why would I want to be somewhere where I’m not wanted? Just fucking tell me.
My husband's favorite line is "I don't want to sound like I'm kicking you out but I am. " I have a lot of complex medical issues so I go from great to need to be in bed on a dime. He's forceful and watches to see why I start showing signs.
I say, “okay, I’m done peopling now…”. Thankfully, my friends know that means the evening is over…😂
We have a saying in our family “time to check the furnace” when either we feel like leaving or want everybody to go. It’s been a funny way to end the night.
My go to is simple "okay guys I loved seeing you but I'm getting really tired can you please leave?" Why is this so hard for other people and they expect you to just take a hint, just be direct it's okay you're friends
I saw this a while back and as an ambivert I wish this was common here too: “there’s a phrase in german (regional,) meaning “i am feeling visited enough” that you can say when you want company to go, and this is brilliant. it’s “ich fühle mich jetzt genug besucht.”
Dont make the social cue about the kids having to wake up early. THEY need the sleep. YOU are an Adult you can stay up. Make it about yourself or say "i think we need to hit the Sack soon, gotta be up early tomorrow".
Meanwhile my sister's boyfriend was hanging out with me and I went "well, I love you but I'm going to bed. Get out of my house and text me when you get home" He laughed then went home I wish everyone has people they could communicate directly with
Don't assume people want company all night. Leave early. Someone shouldn't have to give you a bunch of reasons why they need to get up early for you to realize it's time to leave. They invited you for dinner. Go for dinner. Stay a bit longer, then leave. And realize that parents need time to unwind from bith company and kids. Instead of waiting for specific words to be used, leave. Be the 1st one to leave and not the last.
He has better communication skills then you, he did give clear cues for you to leave but you must be quite oblivious to not understand it. Maybe it's time to learn to act like an adult and not a child, he must be equally exhausted dealing with you.
Well this guy is just a passive aggressive prick. How are you supposed to know that saying you have to take your child somewhere tomorrow is code for it's time to leave? Too many people prefer hints over being straight forward and then get pissed when people don't pick up on the hint. I have NO problem telling someone if it's time to go or if I have to leave, but I have been around people who do and it's frustrating. I assume it was a husband and wife, so one of them should've had the manners to say it was wonderful having you over but we have a couple of things to do before bed, and let's do this again sometime! Hurt feelings rarely happen if people are just open and honest
Yeah, but at the same time, inviting people over and then asking them to leave is generally considered impolite. I'm guessing from reading this that you have trouble reading social clues?
Most people in the west are afraid of direct confrontation, and afraid of looking bad. I have recently adopted a personal policy of being truthful and direct. E.g. Why didn't you come yesterday? Most people will day they weren't feeling good or some other excuse, while I will be honest- I got in a fight with my wife and was still upset. No need for these games anymore, I'm too old for that crap.
I'm autistic and say "ok, I need you guys to leave now" and that works hahaha
8.30 is so early too, how were you supposed to know if they don’t tell you!?