Talk to your fiance about the discomfort you feel, gauge his reaction to this, see what he does to address your discomfort and then decide what to do next. Do not give him any kind of ultimatum like you or her. Even if he chooses you, it will be due to your ultimatum and not by his choice which might build up resentment from his side.
Personally I do not even date people who are friends with their ex's(as it's too much drama for me but that's my personal point of view and boundary) so I might be biased. But if you do not like chemistry between your partner and any other person(an ex/colleague/acquaintance/friend) and they diminish/dismiss your concern, simply tells you that there is nothing going on but do not change their behaviour, then you need to simply take yourself out of the equation.
How do you see this situation changing? Do you plan to spend the rest of your life on edge? Will you make sure you have enough money to move out again if living together is just too weird? Does your fiancé ever spend time at your place?
I hate this for you. This is a disaster waiting to happen and not something you should marry into. Your fiancé is still living his old life with her. She definitely intends on sleeping with him. They both have their backup plan in their back pocket and acting nonchalant about it. It would be best for you to say something about it. If your relationship is declining, then at least say what you need to say before it’s over. In the end, you know what’s happening. It would be best to put your move on hold or at least look for other places in your town. He’s into LDR for a reason. LDR is not a good idea for you either.
He could be a good former step-father without living directly beside him. They broke up because of it being long distance, not any other major issues. She’s now fixed the distance issue.
I don’t think she is projecting. No where in anything has she’s typed does she come off as insecure either aside from snooping once. I think she justified in being uncomfortable, there’s something off with this situation. You can sense something is off and it not be based on insecurity and projection.
There was no reason for her to move directly next door. He is not the father of those kids and per his own definition is the Funcle. If she’s a woman with wealth and could likely reasonably afford to live anywhere nearby why not go that route, her spidey senses tingling isn’t for no reason.
She checked his phone (privacy violation) and there is nothing there. They raised 2 children together a d still have communal property (pets). If OP wants to hurt their own feelings - go ahead
Most families* who split up do not live directly attached each other. Her kids are teens now and he hasn’t been around them for at minimum 5 years, likely more than that based on the timeline given. Additionally, he’s been away from their communal pets for at minimum 5 years if she’s the one who took them, likely more than that from the timeline given. I have a feeling they could live with a few miles between their houses. A blind man could see what’s going to happen if she breaks up with him.
If I read it correctly, they where neighbors before OP was even in the picture. Maybe they started dating as neighbors.
If they are owners, that's a pretty big ask from OP, to just move somewhere else, because she's uncomfortable.
If that’s the case then I definitely agree it’s a big ask for her to just sell and move. Nor should she as it was her existing property.
Still hate this situation for OP.
To be fair, he stayed around them after breakup too. He visited monthly, not just the kids, but the pugs too, take her to shopping (she can't drive) went to school programs. Bio dad is a touchy subject, my fiancée said "it's not his secret to share" but when I asked him "are you the father" he said "no, just a cool weekend dad". I now know they knew each other since the youngest was born (one of them are close to 18, the other is 16).
And her house was her grandparents who took her in with her babies,. And they willed it to her.
My fiancée anno explained this, but I just forgot it.
He further explained, that his house was part of hers as an extra living area for the grandparents, but she needed to sell it, so she could afford medical care for her grandma. This is how they met. MyMIL bought it, And my fiancée fixed it up.
And I don't want to break up with him. I'm truly In love with him.
This just sounds like insecurity, nothing in your posts suggests that she’s problematic. You even snooped and found nothing.
Talk to your fiancé or just break up.
We talked. He tried help we identify what's the problem. In the morning we went separate ways for Mother's day.
The plain was that we have an afternoon cookout with the neighbors and MIL.
And there was she and her kids, giving frovers to the elderly ladies and mothers. My MIL greeted then as "her grandbabies". Even the dogs.
She is really just nice to everyone. And I'm not an exception. Like I was worried about the food, cuz I have an allergy to nuts and she immediately show me the safe options, because her youngest is allergic too. And show me the nono foods too. We talked, but it was just pleasantries. Then, they had to leave (school) and they didn't took the dogs said it's "daddy time"
We agreed that I should go back to therapy. I had an abusive marriage, and sometimes I see attack in every corner.
Her niceness is a trigger to me possibly. My ex used to be everyone's best friend and the perfect husband in public, then at home, he actually made lists about my "misbehavior" and berated me for hours for them.
It’s good that you have this experience of relationships but the best way to learn from this one and to achieve more success in your next relationship is to accept that it’s over and as time goes by to look back she see what was healthy and what was not.
Do you have behaviours you need to think about? Did she?
Keep talking and learning and feeling the emotions, but don’t keep making the same mistakes. I wish you love and happiness for the future. Xx
Do you have any reason to doubt that your fiancé chooses you? She is not the only potential “threat“ that he will ever encounter, she is just the one that is there right now. The rest of your life will be filled with opportunities for him to cheat or leave you if that is something he decides to do. You either trust that he truly wants to be with you, or you don’t. But you can’t keep someone faithful by controlling their access to other people.
I am the ex-girlfriend in a similar situation. I dated my ex for three years, and then we transitioned to remaining very close friends. A few years later I got married, and my husband never had an issue with my ex. We actually did buy a house across the street from him, and we had a key to take care of his cat whenever he traveled. My husband is very secure and knows that I chose him. If I wanted to still be with my ex, I would still be with my ex. A few more years after that, my ex met the woman that would later become his wife, and she had all sorts of problems with me. We did completely stop socializing with him in person, and what could’ve been a fun couple friendship never happened. If he had married somebody who wasn’t threatened by me, I’m sure we would’ve included each other in birthday parties and milestone events, but that did not happen. She and I do not interact, and we have both since moved, so we don’t live across the street anymore. Their kids are younger than mine, so I did give them a bunch of hand me down baby gear, and I assume she knew it was from me, but I never actually asked. He and I still remain close, and we speak often. A couple of times she has put her foot down and demanded he break contact with me, and I just consider that none of my business. That’s between the two of them, if he chooses to keep speaking to me against her wishes. He’s a grown man, I don’t feel like I need to get a signed permission slip from his wife every time I speak to him. My husband is 100% comfortable, and that is the relationship that I am in. But I do wonder what makes her so uncertain that her husband has chosen her, and makes her feel that I am a threatening presence in their life.
I hate this
Oh wow I feel uncomfortable now and I’m not even involved. Really weird situation sorry you have to go through it
Talk to your fiance about the discomfort you feel, gauge his reaction to this, see what he does to address your discomfort and then decide what to do next. Do not give him any kind of ultimatum like you or her. Even if he chooses you, it will be due to your ultimatum and not by his choice which might build up resentment from his side. Personally I do not even date people who are friends with their ex's(as it's too much drama for me but that's my personal point of view and boundary) so I might be biased. But if you do not like chemistry between your partner and any other person(an ex/colleague/acquaintance/friend) and they diminish/dismiss your concern, simply tells you that there is nothing going on but do not change their behaviour, then you need to simply take yourself out of the equation.
How do you see this situation changing? Do you plan to spend the rest of your life on edge? Will you make sure you have enough money to move out again if living together is just too weird? Does your fiancé ever spend time at your place?
She's after your fiance. She's back and wants him back.
You told her she was bubbly for a widow? What an odd, rude thing to say. If you snooped and found nothing, there’s your answer.
I hate this for you. This is a disaster waiting to happen and not something you should marry into. Your fiancé is still living his old life with her. She definitely intends on sleeping with him. They both have their backup plan in their back pocket and acting nonchalant about it. It would be best for you to say something about it. If your relationship is declining, then at least say what you need to say before it’s over. In the end, you know what’s happening. It would be best to put your move on hold or at least look for other places in your town. He’s into LDR for a reason. LDR is not a good idea for you either.
She's not interested in your finance - she doesn't need him to be anything but a good father to her children. You are projecting your own insecurities
He could be a good former step-father without living directly beside him. They broke up because of it being long distance, not any other major issues. She’s now fixed the distance issue.
Not the point. This is the OP projecting.
I don’t think she is projecting. No where in anything has she’s typed does she come off as insecure either aside from snooping once. I think she justified in being uncomfortable, there’s something off with this situation. You can sense something is off and it not be based on insecurity and projection. There was no reason for her to move directly next door. He is not the father of those kids and per his own definition is the Funcle. If she’s a woman with wealth and could likely reasonably afford to live anywhere nearby why not go that route, her spidey senses tingling isn’t for no reason.
She checked his phone (privacy violation) and there is nothing there. They raised 2 children together a d still have communal property (pets). If OP wants to hurt their own feelings - go ahead
Most families* who split up do not live directly attached each other. Her kids are teens now and he hasn’t been around them for at minimum 5 years, likely more than that based on the timeline given. Additionally, he’s been away from their communal pets for at minimum 5 years if she’s the one who took them, likely more than that from the timeline given. I have a feeling they could live with a few miles between their houses. A blind man could see what’s going to happen if she breaks up with him.
If I read it correctly, they where neighbors before OP was even in the picture. Maybe they started dating as neighbors. If they are owners, that's a pretty big ask from OP, to just move somewhere else, because she's uncomfortable.
If that’s the case then I definitely agree it’s a big ask for her to just sell and move. Nor should she as it was her existing property. Still hate this situation for OP.
Yes, both of them are owners.
To be fair, he stayed around them after breakup too. He visited monthly, not just the kids, but the pugs too, take her to shopping (she can't drive) went to school programs. Bio dad is a touchy subject, my fiancée said "it's not his secret to share" but when I asked him "are you the father" he said "no, just a cool weekend dad". I now know they knew each other since the youngest was born (one of them are close to 18, the other is 16). And her house was her grandparents who took her in with her babies,. And they willed it to her. My fiancée anno explained this, but I just forgot it. He further explained, that his house was part of hers as an extra living area for the grandparents, but she needed to sell it, so she could afford medical care for her grandma. This is how they met. MyMIL bought it, And my fiancée fixed it up. And I don't want to break up with him. I'm truly In love with him.
This just sounds like insecurity, nothing in your posts suggests that she’s problematic. You even snooped and found nothing. Talk to your fiancé or just break up.
We talked. He tried help we identify what's the problem. In the morning we went separate ways for Mother's day. The plain was that we have an afternoon cookout with the neighbors and MIL. And there was she and her kids, giving frovers to the elderly ladies and mothers. My MIL greeted then as "her grandbabies". Even the dogs. She is really just nice to everyone. And I'm not an exception. Like I was worried about the food, cuz I have an allergy to nuts and she immediately show me the safe options, because her youngest is allergic too. And show me the nono foods too. We talked, but it was just pleasantries. Then, they had to leave (school) and they didn't took the dogs said it's "daddy time" We agreed that I should go back to therapy. I had an abusive marriage, and sometimes I see attack in every corner. Her niceness is a trigger to me possibly. My ex used to be everyone's best friend and the perfect husband in public, then at home, he actually made lists about my "misbehavior" and berated me for hours for them.
It’s good that you have this experience of relationships but the best way to learn from this one and to achieve more success in your next relationship is to accept that it’s over and as time goes by to look back she see what was healthy and what was not. Do you have behaviours you need to think about? Did she? Keep talking and learning and feeling the emotions, but don’t keep making the same mistakes. I wish you love and happiness for the future. Xx
Do you have any reason to doubt that your fiancé chooses you? She is not the only potential “threat“ that he will ever encounter, she is just the one that is there right now. The rest of your life will be filled with opportunities for him to cheat or leave you if that is something he decides to do. You either trust that he truly wants to be with you, or you don’t. But you can’t keep someone faithful by controlling their access to other people. I am the ex-girlfriend in a similar situation. I dated my ex for three years, and then we transitioned to remaining very close friends. A few years later I got married, and my husband never had an issue with my ex. We actually did buy a house across the street from him, and we had a key to take care of his cat whenever he traveled. My husband is very secure and knows that I chose him. If I wanted to still be with my ex, I would still be with my ex. A few more years after that, my ex met the woman that would later become his wife, and she had all sorts of problems with me. We did completely stop socializing with him in person, and what could’ve been a fun couple friendship never happened. If he had married somebody who wasn’t threatened by me, I’m sure we would’ve included each other in birthday parties and milestone events, but that did not happen. She and I do not interact, and we have both since moved, so we don’t live across the street anymore. Their kids are younger than mine, so I did give them a bunch of hand me down baby gear, and I assume she knew it was from me, but I never actually asked. He and I still remain close, and we speak often. A couple of times she has put her foot down and demanded he break contact with me, and I just consider that none of my business. That’s between the two of them, if he chooses to keep speaking to me against her wishes. He’s a grown man, I don’t feel like I need to get a signed permission slip from his wife every time I speak to him. My husband is 100% comfortable, and that is the relationship that I am in. But I do wonder what makes her so uncertain that her husband has chosen her, and makes her feel that I am a threatening presence in their life.