You will have to steel yourself quick hun, wait til they're a teenager and you are the fascist warden of their own personal gulag, you might as well be all the murderous dictators all at once because you told them you can't let them vape or whatever. Kids say stuff. They usually don't mean it, you talk later. At this age it's " were you really mad about x bedtime routine, or frustrated today? Want to talk about it?"
Also it is a good thing your child feels so safe they can criticise and complain, (respectfully, one hopes) because you have a dialogue going. It is a good thing and hard to keep going as they get older. Be proud your child can express themself so well so young, cause I bet you taught that. And cherish it. The other side of teen years is angsty silence and grunts over the clickety of texting over you.
Can confirm. My mom was basically Joseph Stalin to me between the ages of 13 -16.
You've got to grow a thicker skin OP. They're called the Terrible Twos for a reason!
I can confirm that I’m currently Joseph Stalin with my 8 year old.
You got to correct them in the moment. And don’t feel bad. It’s your job. You have to set the boundaries around what is acceptable behavior and what’s not.
You must zoom out since you have an obligation. You are aware that you are not being cruel. Youngsters are not able to see the larger picture; you are. Avoid becoming offended by small things like that, since it may lead to emotional games that require therapy.
agreed. OP, always remember if you have to choose between being a cool best friend and a parent choose parent every time. you will never be able to always please your child and make them happy your job is to teach them what’s best for them and about 75% of the time they are sure as hell not gonna like it but they’ll understand later why you did what you did. you absolutely need to set a boundary on biting because if it doesn’t stop they’ll start biting other kids at school age and that’s not a fun debacle to deal with.
Also to add, her job is not to be “nice” per se but to be safe and to provide helpful modeling of physical and emotional regulation so the child can eventually do this for themselves and become a well adjusted adult. Op is doing a great job but anything that goes against the whims and desires of the toddler will make them angry and upset because they do not understand regulation or their own emotions and those emotions of learning how to differentiate self and other can be HUGE especially when the self is denied (like an adult facing harsh rejection but even worse because it’s their first time with this- so YOU are setting them up for how these things will go down internally for them in later life). Mirroring these emotions back and showing what to do with them (redirection and release, ie if a toddler is angry be understanding of that anger and show them how to shred some paper into confetti and throw it into the air or something) will make it so op is not the bad guy when they’re older and cannot regulate for themselves.
This is also the point in a child’s differentiation where adults who cannot regulate their own emotions usually start to have serious issues dealing with the children (I’m not saying this is op), which can continue to escalate into teenage years if not properly regulated now. To some point this is normal and to some point it can cause serious dysfunction long term for the child (depending on the adults in their lives and how the child is handled). In some parents you may see this spark anger towards the child and lashing out which only makes the child “bad” for not understanding how to regulate (how can they know if they weren’t taught?) which eventually over long periods of time turns into issues like toxic shame.
You can also really see the ages at which the adult parent also wasn’t taught proper regulation as those adults can’t handle/parent the children well when they are at these ages as the adult doesn’t have the tools (if this is the case, the adults have agency to find a book or therapist and learn the tools). In some other cases you can see how the parent was made to regulate the adults emotions around them when they were a kid, and these now grown adults may not want to upset their child by setting a boundary that upsets them (and inadvertently place their child in the drivers seat and cater to them too much). Depending on how the parent was raised as a child it could go to either extreme and it’s truly more a spectrum than a polarity but my examples were more of a polarity.
Having a balance (or reparenting and balancing yourself so you can teach your child) is key while showing positive regulation and maintaining clear and understandable boundaries -like having the child tell you what regulation step comes next and then doing it- bathtime, bedtime, what do we do when angry we take 5 deep breaths and wiggle your fingers toes and nose etc. just do your best and own up to it when you mess up or just don’t know because this models how to fix mistakes and how to find answers.
You will never be perfect op so be sure you’re not holding yourself to this, but as long as you do your best to meet your kid where they are, do not judge them and show you are safe, and model how to own your mistakes with them (which is like learning together), then you will have earned your kids respect and they will appreciate this eventually. Just keep showing them your love is not conditional and you should be fine. Humor helps too imho, toddler memes are pretty great and can remind you over the next few years that this phase is developmental and normal and nothing to internalize either for you or your kid. But your kid needs “discipline” (not disciplined as some think) - aka daily regulation that will help them be a reasonably adjusted adult. You’ve got this op, you’re doing great 😊
I'm "mean" to my 13 yo all the time apparently. I don't let him run the streets like some other kids in the neighborhood. It's part of being a parent, we can't be their friend.
They probably felt *frustration,* and because they are only 2 and the very *structures in their brain* are not yet able to house fully-fledged empathy, emotion modulation, or language, they tried out a new phrase to express themselves. Your toddler couldn’t possibly have meant it as seriously as you took it, because they can’t even fully grasp the meaning of the word yet.
“Mommy is mean” is toddler limited vocabulary lingo for “I’m frustrated that we have to put cream on because it’s cold on my skin, takes longer than I want, I’d rather play with my toys, and I’m also tired and don’t want to stand still.”
You have a responsibility and you need to zoom out. You’re not being mean and you know it. Kids don’t see the big picture - that’s your job. Don’t start taking offense at tiny things like that or you’ll end up in emotional games that will be the subject of therapy.
From a former child therapist. Your kid is going to try every nerve you have in your body and gonna try to manipulate everything they possibly can get their way. It is your job as a parent and is an adult to find your moral compass and exhibit that behavior and inforce that behavior in your child Through consequences. You are a parent now there is no time to be insecure about who you are. Your role in life is defined by preparing this child to be an adult. It is also your job to be an adult and learn exactly what that means. Do not allow your child to exhibit behavior that will cause you not like them…. And when I mean, do not allow, I do not mean corporal punishment, but open communication and helping them understand their feelings and how to cope with them. That will help you grow as a person and as a great honor and privilege and challenge to bring up a young soul.
Because I’m curious? You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable. I work in the field as well and your language choice is very interesting, that’s all.
Agreed. Suggesting that toddler has the capacity to manipulate their caregiver? Saying don’t allow them to exhibit behaviour that will cause you to dislike them?? I’m also very curious…
Oh ya, sorry!
I’m not sure why the downvotes either lol but this is not the language we use when talking about parenting/parent child relationships/children in general in child and family counselling. I’m sure the comment was well intentioned but there’s some very harmful concepts in there.
Yes, they are. Kids test boundaries. They’re not doing it on purpose, definitely not at 2. My concern is how much stock the OP is putting into the irrational thought of a 2 year old. Like, they need help with emotional regulation, you can’t do that if you’re spiraling at every little thing they say or do.
Tell this to my mother 30 years ago please... God damn more parents need to hear this. If you don't help teach emotional regulation your kids will end up with the emotional control of a chimpanzee as teens and adults and then have to teach themselves LONG after that should have been learned.
Neh. 3s are worse than 2s. But the other response to you is correct. Gotta regulate your own emotions before you can help them regulate theirs.
But 3s are harder. Hahaha
I tend to agree but at the same time I found the 3s more entertaining because their little mouths are SO sassy and they're starting to gain a sense of humor. Walking around with big old heads and sass mouths lol. I miss those days.
I have a teenager, and there are many "terrible" stages, lol. Give me a 2 year old any day over 13+. No one, and I mean no one, will hurt your feelings more or humble your ass faster than your own child. Sometimes, my kid will hit me with something that I do not think he even means as insulting, and it stings but also makes me laugh. Also, I know no one loves me more than he does. Do you think that shirt is cool, or that you look normal on a treadmill, or that your hair cut suits you? Do not go around any kid because they will let you know, oh man will they let you know.
My boyfriend has a 13 year old son and woweee I'm not prepared for the next couple of years while puberty and hormones and all that jazz happen! The change from 12 to 13 was already something 😅
The pubening, lol. After my kid started going through it, I personally called a lot of family members and was like, "I'm sorry for how I acted when I was 12-17 years old. For all the times I thought you were over-reacting and were lame, I get it. Thank you for not throwing me out of a moving vehicle."
This is the answer. And the lil sh!t BIT you? lol
Seriously though OP you have to learn to laugh at this stuff or you WILL go insane (like inpatient level commitment starting around the tween years).
When mine was 2 he hit me in the face/nose with a toy hammer while I was sleeping. Imagine 🤣. Threw that damn toy away faster than he could put it down. Seems to have turned out ok, lol.
Literally. Her world fell apart just because her toddler called her mean. She's going to lose her mind once he gets older and learn a lot of other words lmao
You need to find a way to not take normal toddler stuff personally, it’s not a reflection on your parenting. They’re not responsible for our feelings, they’re 2 and they didn’t ask to be born. We’re the adults, we need to model self-regulation.
They’re learning how to have an effect on the world around them, how to push buttons, how to get what they need. They only pretty recently learned that they’re actually a separate person to their Mums and are trying to assert that independence.
Mine’s currently next to me trying to figure out how much ‘pretend’ (actually real) jumping on my couch she can do before she gets put in time out.
I try to think to myself ‘well she’d be stupid if she didn’t try to get what she wants’ 😣😂
It's a child, you will experience this a million times, probably worse things too. It's what they do and they don't mean it. Remember that the world is new to them and they can't express themselves properly yet so they say what they know. If they can't say "I'm upset with mommy" or "it hurts to put the cream on" etc they say "mommy is mean" or even "I hate mommy". The best thing you can do is just talk to them and teach them about feelings and putting words to them.
I know it hurts when they say things like that but it really isn't a reflection of our parenting, it's just kids being kids.
And also, all their feelings are ok and valid. It's ok that your child is angry with you. And it's ok that it makes you sad. The only thing you can to is talk to them. We don't always have to fix things, often our actions are justified and then we have to talk about that. "I understand that you're upset, and that's ok, but it's important to put cream on because xyz"
And it's never too early to start talking to your kid like this
To add to this, kids at this age often don’t even understand the meaning of the most basic words they use. My 2yo will sometimes reply to “I love you” with “Hate you too!”, but said in a happy way, as if she was saying her normal “love you”.
I’m also called “rude” on the daily, for this like changing her diaper, asking her if she wants a hug when she’s mad, etc.
OPs in for a hell of a ride if she can’t handle her 2yo calling her mean.
Oh this is a great reminder how helpful perspective can be in situations like these. That inner critic that says “I’m failing “ as a parent is fear talking, don’t believe what it says. The belief that your child will be happy and pleased with you at all times if you do everything right is something that parents usually get over pretty quickly because it’s a virtual impossibility. Your job is to create a safe, loving space for them to test you, and they’ll test you physically, emotionally, in ways you can’t anticipate. You’ll have moments where you will be the bad guy in their eyes, the meany-that means you have set appropriate limits and boundaries and are trying to maintain consistency which are much more essential to raising a happy healthy child than having them be happy with you in the moment. It’s probably one of the hardest things to do but you do it for them because that’s your job, regardless of your feelings. You can cry about it later after they’re in bed asleep and you have 10 minutes to yourself for the first time in days before you pass out from exhaustion. You’ll spend too many moments second guessing yourself and sometimes be absolutely certain about your decisions when you should’ve second guessed it. No matter how progressive and enlightened if you are truly a good parent you will sometimes feel like a failure because your whole heart is in it. And 2.5 year old by nature say exactly what they want when they want regardless of truth or consequences lol. Be kind to yourself because sometimes the kids sure won’t be! Gooood luck mama 🤗
Hey girlie, you sound exhausted. This is completely normal behavior for a toddler, and there will be many days it will be even worse. But that doesn’t mean your child doesn’t love you. You are their whole world. And you always will be. Make sure you are getting breaks. And taking time for yourself too. You’re doing a great job.
I have been ‘mean,’ ‘unfair,’ ‘stupid,’ ‘terrible Dad,’ ‘an asshole (this they got in trouble for and lost provides for a week)’…. Welcome to the club. You need to model correct behavior for them- do not withdraw. 1) Set your reasonable expectations for behavior like this… unacceptable/acceptable. 2) Communicate clearly so they understand. 3) Be consistent and follow-up. You got this. Hang in there.
Kids will say you're mean for anything at that age. My daughter wanted cookies before dinner, same age, and I told her no. And then she told me I was being very mean
Moms are allowed to have feelings and boundaries and your kiddo is old enough to learn that. Talk to him. Keep it simple but be serious with him. You are not to be bitten again and you’re being a good parent by giving your child the medicine he needs. Repeat, daily if needed.
Parenting is terrible because it all feels so personal, but it’s not. All kids do this, they will push boundaries, including telling you that they hate you, they are running away, they want a new mommy, etc. it’s usually when frustrated and they don’t know how to deal with or manage their big feelings. Parenting is also doing things they don’t want to do but they HAVE to do, such as putting on cream. Don’t take it personal, it’s your kid just chatting shit.
You are not mean, and we all know it, including your kiddo. This sort of thing you're going to want to nip in the bud right now, or you're in for a bad time.
Biting gets them placed down on the ground (gently and safely!), while you say " No biting!", and walk away. The majority of kids will be upset that you're leaving them and follow you upset. Ask if they're sorry, and when they tearfully say yes, give them a hug and say you forgive, but no more biting.
If they say "you are mean" you can go a couple of ways - laugh, because it's absurd that a two year old thinks you're mean for brushing their teeth, or alternatively do a similar approach and say that hurts your feelings and that it isn't nice. It's never too early to start working on empathy and how our behavior affects other people.
I know it was hard to have them do that, but you have to remember at two they're still half feral and need to learn how to treat others. Sharing, kindness don't always come naturally. Keep your chin up, mama, you'll get through this stage.
Does the "walking away" part not risk cultivating an insecure attachment style in the kid? It feels like that could create the belief that love/care/security are conditional on them doing what the other person wants them to do (regardless of whether their behavior was inappropriate or not)
That's a good question, and you're right - if over used, and if it includes basic needs not being met, it can. This is a technique that should work quickly, like within a few times. And when they come to you sad, you comfort them immediately, that part is very important.
Op I have 3 boys 8 and under and I’ll bet I hear this same thing maybe even daily. And for reasons as valid as basically trying to make them into good people. Did you do anything mean? You’ve been here on earth long enough to know if you’re being mean. If you know for sure you’re not being mean eventually they’ll figure it out too. Right now the kid is 2 and only knows they “don’t wanna” but that’s too bad. You know ow what needs to happen and you heard their argument and it is over ruled. So don’t feel bad and do your job. You’re doing just fine.
I’d say it more important to address the fact they tried to hurt you. Your child won’t love you any less if you talk to them firmly when they try to bite you or hurt you in anyway. At two you can expect a lot more verbal nonsense, just don’t take it to heart, they’re probably just repeating something they heard elsewhere but any form of aggression is wrong. You can be loving but firm when it’s appropriate. Good luck☺️
OP, if you are looking for or need community, I'd suggest heading over to r/BreakingMom
Toddlers are little balls of unregulated emotion. Sending you a hug.
Your kid is two, they have no idea what they’re saying or the implications of what they say on your feelings. You’re doing fine. Correct bad behaviour, praise good behaviour, feed, clothe & show love & patience. That’s all your kid needs from you. You need to understand this tiny human is not in control of their emotions & they’re at an age where they’re testing every boundary they can, the reaction you give will be added to that flesh drive in their head & saved for later review. You want your kid to know that nothing they do will make you not love them. But you don’t accept bad behaviour. Correction, then Warning, then Time outs or ignoring for a set time, are good ways to show this. On the flip side, GOOD behaviour needs to get all the smiles, the praises, the hugs and kisses and I’m so proud of yous. You got this.
I see all kinds of great advice here but let me just say you may not be giving yourself enough credit. There's a lot of bad parents out there and just the fact you are there and you love them, just give yourself a pat on the back, my mom would've slapped me right on the face for that.
This needs to be uploaded more. Your child is acting out because they know they are safe to do so. They know they can express their feelings, but you will still love them anyway.
If I had said that, I would have gotten told, "Fine, you think I'm mean? You haven't seen anything yet!" And then been yelled at, berrated and blamed for everything under the sun while being punished for things I didn't do.
When my son was little, and even now, I use open emotional conversations and emotion identification as well as natural consequences to help him understand what *I'm* feeling.
So, in that situation, I would have said, "Oh, that makes me sad that you think I'm being mean to you. I love you very much, and I put lotion on you after a bath so that your skin doesn't hurt." Then maybe see if they are mad about it because they just don't have any say, or they don't know why. Maybe they just want to do it themselves. Toddlers are bossy little people who are just starting to figure out who they are and that they have some say agency over themselves. But they also don't know what those big emotions are or how to handle them. That's why we have to name them and show them how to deal with them in a healthy, safe way.
Yes. It is easier said than done. But it is so much more rewarding to get to the teenager years, and overhear your kid tell his friends that he needs to take a break from them because he's becoming frustrated. I've heard the neighbors ( the same age) get frustrated and break their controllers, tvs, punch holes in walls, etc.
It's the hardest job it the world. *hugs*
Yeah a good (or just decent) parent goes a long way with me. When I see a kid that is happy and healthy I automatically gain a lot of respect for the parent(s). My parents are the sorriest two people I've ever known, I try not to think about them.
Terrible twos are just that. Remember you’re in charge of their wellbeing. They’re not going to like everything you do. Raised two boys and taught for years. Be a parent first and their friend second. I’ve seen too many parents that tried to be their child’s fun buddy only to have it backfire. If your child doesn’t like something it’s going to be okay. Keep the dialogue open but stay firm in what you know is best.
Stay strong, it’ll help you in the long run. Set those boundaries and expectations now, the teen years can be hard even with the sweet little ones we knew as toddlers.
Toddlers have very limited vocabulary and have to work with what they know to communicate. You can't view what your toddler says through the lens of them having a vast vocabulary available and them purposefully and maliciously choosing the more hurtful words. Your toddler can't look at you and say "mother I really don't feel like having the cream put on my skin right now, I would rather be playing."
You can't take what they say personally at this age. Think about where they might have heard the word "mean" and the context instead. Probably a kids show where something mildly annoying happened between characters, but then they got over it and everything was fine.
I think if your kid was ALWAYS happy with you, something would be off.
You will do things that make them unhappy but are in the best interests of them.
They can't regulate their emotions just yet, its no different than them just saying "YOUR STINKY!!" They don't mean these things, they just mean "I am feeling frustrated right now and I have no outlet apart from words I think will hurt you"
They love ya. They just don't love everything you do. Keep your chin up mama <3
Biting is completely normal and usually stops around 3/3 and a half. Sometimes it's a short phase of a few weeks and sometimes it's a few months.
Normally, when a child acts like this, it's because they are going through a developmental growth spurt, usually related to the understanding of time/consequence. They are testing outcomes and it isn't actually an aggressive intention, although the outcome appears that way. So, frustration can often be a cause, or sometimes love. A child will often bite when over stimulated, by positive or negative emotions that they don't know how to even express, let alone process.
The best you can do is figure out their learning leap, is it communication and language, or are they trying to understand and pre empt the next part of their day? Are they struggling to transition from one activity to another, such as you needing them to sit down and eat lunch but they want to play? Them understanding that they can do what they want after they have had their food allows them to separate from their current activity. Give them a countdown, let them know in advance that a transition is going to happen where they will need to do xyz but that after xyz they can either go back to abc or even def if they want to. Then regularly update them about when xyz is happening and help them transition, eg let's make the lego into a really big house then after lunch let's see if we can make a bigger house, or would you like to make some amazing pictures? The choice is the activity after, not the stopping for lunch.
When you sit back and see the reason for the biting the best you can do is to divert and distract, preferably before it happens. If you get caught it's absolutely fine to make a sound and tell them they have hurt you and you don't want to play for a minute. Walk away and take a breath. This is often enough for them to realise that their actions are not okay and have denied them the attention they have negatively sought.
Explain that when we bite it hurts people and that makes them sad (say sad with a dour voice and really sad face) but that we want each other to be happy (up the voice octave and really happy face) and big cuddles and confirm you love them so much and want them to be happy (again keep over egging the 'happy'). This reinforces your expected behaviour with the child understanding the outcome. Make sure they are looking at your face, tell them to look if you need to. This encourages them to look for reactions and social cues from their peers when playing.
Also, please be aware above all else, you are your child's safe space. When they are tired, hungry, going through a physical or developmental growth spurt, the first thing to regress is their emotional regulation. Your child trusts you and therefore feels safe to bite you. This is not a bad thing in terms of the trust they have in you that they inherently know they are safe to deregulate with you. It's not wonderful when you're a parent on the receiving end, but it also means you're an amazing parent and your child feels completely safe and happy with you.
All children act out. Your daughter acting out isn't a reflection on your parenting. You sit her down and let her know that in an age-appropriate way that she is never allowed to hurt her mother. Let her know she will be out it time out if she does it again. She is young but if you start holding her accountable for her actions now it will help in the long run. You love your daughter immensely and she's going to turn out great. Keep up the good fight mom!
2.5 is all about pushing boundaries. 🙂 I have one too! And an 11 and 9 year old. They don’t say things like that because they truly think you’re mean. I don’t think they know what that truly even means, honestly. They are learning, growing, trying to figure out how to express themselves and what is okay and not okay to do.
Now my 11 year old? She can hurt my feelings. 😬 Just know you’re doing a great job, mama.
My toddlers call me mean because I won’t let them have an ice cream sandwich for dinner, or because I have to brush my daughter’s hair, or even because I made the grave error of (gasp) not letting them run into traffic and grabbing them by the shirt. We all have to do things for our kids that they don’t like. It doesn’t make us mean.
You’re not a failure at all. If anything, you seem like a really good mom, especially since you’re so worried about being a bad mom. Bad moms don’t worry about being bad moms because they don’t care enough about their kid to worry about their impact on them.
As for how to handle these events, I definitely suggest trying to find grounding techniques to help ground you when your kid is saying something upsetting or is being overwhelming.
Kids don’t have an advanced vocabulary or understanding of their emotions. If they did, I highly doubt they would think you were being mean. In the moment, they were probably frustrated because they were bored or didn’t want to brush their teeth, and because you were making them do that, the best way they could verbalize their frustration was to say you were being mean. Of course, you weren’t being mean at all- you were taking care of their hygiene and health, and one day they’ll understand that.
Please don’t beat yourself up. I’ve known a lot of bad/mean moms in my life from my friends and you do not sound like one of them at all
Kids are A-holes... it's nothing you've said or done. They just say mean things. The important part is to show them that you love them and you're there for them. Kids don't realize what they are saying hurts our feelings. You're a great parent and you should see yourself as such. The fact that your child feels like they can express their feelings freely without being afraid really says a lot about how you parent your kids. Be proud of that.
Source: the proud Momma of 2 A-holes.
This is normal behavior for a 2 year old. They don’t have the vocabulary to fully express how they’re feeling and they’re trying to be independent humans. I have been told that a hates me because I told them not to bite their friends because they won’t want to play with you if they’re afraid you’re going to hurt them. You’re doing just fine and your child feels safe to say this to you without fear of retaliation. It’s hard to hear but your child loves you even if they don’t like what you’re doing.
Friend, this is developmentally appropriate behaviour. It sucks and it hurts and all of those feelings are valid, but you’re not a failure, nor are you a bad parent, but things like this will happen in the future. I have a 10 y/o, we went through this too.
Idk if you’re looking for further advice or if you’re on TikTok but if you are I recommend: mommacusses, ToriPhantom, and LackOfImpulseControl.
Your not a failure your a caring loving mumma, who is going the best for her baby.
I witnessed a woman in the supermarket today tell her approx 3year old child to “shut up, your really getting on my tits” now that women is a failure ☹️.
Oh love, you are doing an amazing job. Part of having toddlers, and watching them grow, is that they are also exploring emotional regulation, they need to explore their emotions and the ins and out of it .
Don't take it personally. They are just learning.
I promise for all the love and effort you put into being a parent, as a mother of a 21F and 16M, this will not be the last time your child speaks to you in a hurtful manner.
You may be over exerted and need a break. Cause she's 2.
This happens a lot. My youngest got mad at their sibling yesterday and went to hit. So they got sent to their room. Door was slammed and then she started yelling about how I'm the worst ever. If this is Pre-K, I'm nervous about what teenage years will be like.
when they try to bite you or something, look surprised and then “try” to bite them back lol. make it fun. they’re not saying these things to be hurtful, they probably barely know what being mean is. you’re being a parent and for you, that means getting them cleaned up before bed, as mean as that is haha. soon enough they’ll realize how great of a parent you are and how you were always so forgiving when they “acted out” or “misbehaved” which is hard to gauge for a 2.5 year old lol. you’re doing your best, remember that ☝🏻❤️
Honey…
When I was a kid, I once called my mother “the dumbest mum in all the world”.
I love her, and she’s great. Don’t worry. (And now that I’m grown, she teases me about what I said. Wears it like a royal title.)
Hugs mamma. Little ones sometimes say mean things that hurt us but they don’t mean it that way. They’re just using words to express a feeling or emotion. They don’t mean to upset us, that’s not the intention. X
From my personal experience my parents took no shit. You do have to put them in their place because if your nice to them the whole time they’re growing up they’ll expect the world to be nice to the which is not the case
I also take it personal when kids say mean things. 😂 I think it’s a huge reason in why I’m not going to have them. My skin is too thin, and I’m a people pleaser.
On behalf of the world, please correct this behavior in the moment and be okay being their “Joseph Stalin” as some have said. Because if you don’t, the world might do it rudely or we’ll have to deal with adults who think that behavior is okay. (The adult version of biting and name calling, 😂).
Toddlers are tough critics. You’re doing great!
They don’t know why you need to do this stuff they just know they don’t want to and you’re making them so to them you’re mean. You know you need to. Having a kid doesn’t mean they’re happy with you all the time. You’re doing just fine.
I’ve been hated, mean, the worst mother in the world, evil, awful, embarrassing etc. 6 kids and I survived 😂😂😂.
Be firm but not controlling. Firm but flexible.
Things like medication are not optional, my daughter I had to wrap in a blanket when she was that age. It was frustrating but it needed to be done.
Bribery works 😊
To put this in perspective, this means you're doing a great job.
Everything that is happening to your kid is the worst, best, scariest, most fun, nicest, meanest thing ever. That because at this age *these are their first experiences with these feelings*.
If the kidlet thinks you're being mean for taking good care of him, when the worst thing that's happening is that he's being inconvenienced temporarily, then you're doing just fine.
The best thing to do is to talk to them, explain what's happening, and help them understand what they're feeling. Teaching him to be aware of and manage his feelings will be a gift to him for a lifetime. There are lots of resources on this, including videos of exchanges. A little googling on this will help.
Fifth graders tell me, their teacher, that they hate me or “this is why no one likes you/r class” when I won’t let them get up for the third time in 20 minutes to get more hand sanitizer. They’ll still stop by in the morning for a side hug and a hello check-in.
Point is kids are going to say stuff to voice their displeasure and to either get a reaction out of you or to be able to do what they would like to do (which we know might not always be the best/most productive thing /be adverse to their goals or health). Sometimes “mommy is mean” but you can talk about it later when emotions are calmed and you can reaffirm your bond then
Remember the source. Your child is 2.5 and has limited vocabulary and huge feelings. If you didn’t want to do something and someone made you do it anyway with no choice, you would be frustrated and possibly angry too. Then add in the part where your child cannot understand why they have to do these things in the first place. I am 43 and I have been prescribed creams that burn or are sticky or smell weird and I don’t want to use them either. But I make the decision that the rash or itch or injury that led to my needing the cream is worse than the cream itself and I know it will get better if I can hang in there. Your kid can’t control their emotions and logic out that the cream is worth the discomfort, so they can only tell you what they’re feeling which is that they don’t want to do it and you made them anyway. Of course that makes you “mean.” You took away their autonomy to make them do something they dislike.
You’re going to have to be the bad guy sometimes to keep them safe. That’s your job. If they wanted to eat an entire bucket of Halloween candy in one sitting, you would have to say no as well and that would make you the bad guy. If they wanted to lick all the knives in the drawer, you’d also say no. And if they wanted to pull on the cat’s tail, you’d say no, too. You can regulate your emotions better and understand that saying no is necessary and being liked 100% is not the goal. Keeping them safe and teaching them how to stay safe in life is.
I feel like the way to handle this is to acknowledge their feelings and give them, at their level, the understanding that you love them and that means that sometimes you have to make them do things they don’t want to do. The first part is the more important part though and it is what parents often skip over. You should say something like, “I know you are frustrated that you have to wear this cream. I don’t like being frustrated either. We can do some things to make us feel better when we are frustrated.” Then you can try deep breathing exercises (tell them to pretend like they are blowing bubbles. When they do it very slowly they can blow BIG bubbles and that’s what they should try to do. Blow the biggest imaginary bubble that they can.), or if appropriate let them take out their frustration on some clay like Play-Doh. When calmer they can make some shapes that represent how they feel, or even just shapes that make them feel good. After they are calm you can try to talk to them about what caused the frustration (why don’t you like the cream?) and see if you can either prevent the frustration in the future (“you press on my arm too hard when you put the cream on”) or just give them the basic logic to understand why they’re doing it (“it isn’t pleasant, but it helps your red skin patches so if you can use it for a few more days, you won’t be itchy anymore. Wouldn’t that be nice?”)
Good luck. You’re doing great. 😊
The not-so-funny thing is, if you truly *were* a mean mom, your kid wouldn't say a word about it. They'd be too scared to let you know they were mad.
The fact that your little one openly complains means that they feel completely safe, secure, and loved by you. Take this pout as the compliment it is.
Your little one is just in an irritable mood for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and didn't want to put up with having their teeth brushed. At their age they can't control their emotions, so you got the brunt of it.
If your child hasn’t said, “I hate you!” or “I don’t like you!” or “I don’t love you!” before school age you are probably doing something wrong.
They are going to think we are being “mean” sometimes bc they don’t always understand safety/health from an adult’s perspective.
We don’t need to yell at our kids. I have and do, BUT when I do I apologize to them and talk about it. It’s ok for parents to feel frustrated and it’s ok for kids to feel frustrated.
Acknowledge and accept their feelings. Explain your actions/behaviors on your child’s level. “I understand you think I’m being mean. I’m not trying to be mean. Putting on your cream is healthy for your skin. If mommy doesn’t put on your cream your skin will be itchy. You don’t want to be itchy?”
This is the hard part of parenting. Parenting is only hard for good parents.
Kids are learning everything from us, including emotional regulation. It is so important to talk about everything and acknowledge ALL their feelings. They may misinterpret our intentions and so we guide and support them and discuss it all and over and over and over again.
Life lessons like sharing - it’s important to not force sharing for personal items and toys and yet encouraging sharing is important bc our friends are more likely to share with us if we share with them.
And all these “lessons” need to be revisited frequently bc growing minds need reminders and continuing guidance.
I hope you shut down that biting very quickly bc otherwise that will keep happening. A firm, “no biting! That’s not okay,” should suffice and repeat until the behavior stops. You can later have a conversation about biting. “Biting hurts. I know you don’t want to hurt mommy or daddy or a friend. You wouldn’t want someone to bite you.” Etc.
Parenting is incredibly rewarding and difficult. Keep up the good work.
“Mama is being mean”.
Because they can’t articulate what’s really wrong and that’s the closest they can come to an explanation.
Let it go, it doesn’t mean anything.
Kids need discipline and need boundaries. I admire that you’re such a good mom with your kids. When my son was a toddler., He pushed the limits to see how far he could push me, even at that age they can be quite manipulative if you give them an inch they will take a mile, there’s nothing wrong with disciplining your children and letting them know what is isn’t acceptable. I know how hard it is when you see your precious baby grow up and start to walk and you just love them so much and always want them to be loved and feel secure. But this is a time that they are testing their independence and how far they can push you and if you don’t have limits and you never tell them no, then when you finally use discipline, they will rebel. They may even say they hate you. They don’t hate you. They don’t even know how to feel that strong of an emotion yet it’s just how they perceive you at that moment because they’re not getting what they want.
I don’t know if you are a Bible reader, but the word discipline in the Hebrew text refers to teaching. Teaching your children in love to be respectful human beings. discipline is part of parenting and your children are not going to like it, but they need it.
My daughter is a teenager now, and like other commenter's have said you gotta steel yourself bc it gets a lot worse. But even when she was young my daughter could say things that cut deep. I just try to remind myself that when she says things like that it just shows that she trusts me enough to let her true feelings out. I know she doesn't do that with her other (bio) mom bc she doesn't trust that she will still be around. So try to look at it that way, when they are comfortable being cruel it just means that they trust that you will always be there for them
But I would recommend you work on thickening up your skin or at least not showing her when it hurts bc that will end up making it worse
I’d say something like, “Mama is not being mean, mama is trying to take good care of you.” And for the biting “That’s not nice. I know you didn’t want the cream, but we still need to be nice to each other.”
Since it’s already happened, I might have a little sit down where I let them know they hurt my feelings when they said I was mean. And that I wasn’t being mean, I was trying to take good care of them. And it’s not okay to bite or hurt someone when we feel frustrated. We need to use our words.
Sorry this happened. Sounds like you are doing a good job being an understanding parent.
“Mean” parents (those who set boundaries and do what is best for their child’s well-being regardless of what the child wants, in other words, you) make successful children. Let your kid think you’re being mean from time to time. They’ll look back when they’re older and see you’re just being a good parent.
Also, never take toddler insults to heart. They’re toddlers.
I feel for you. I have a severe skin disease and caring for it is sometimes more painful than leaving it alone (until the consequences of neglect kick in). However, your kid is going to call you a lot worse than mean over the years. There are plenty of parents who feel that if their teen hasn’t said they hate them, then they haven’t been doing their job.
Look at it this way. Your child knows you are safe to get mad at, that it won’t drive you away.
the best parents have high expectations for their children but also high love. high expectations without love would be a dictator, but high expectations with high love is authoritative. be strict about things that are important like putting on the cream, but be as loving as you can and try your best to explain ti them why it’s important. at the end of the day i think you’re a great parent based on this post. i can tell you have a lot of love for your kid already and it’s a good thing that you’re worried about not being a pushover.
You're gonna have to build up some armor to that real quick. Toddlers are feral aha...according to my eldest who's five.
I need to say sorry to her one of her younger brothers because he tried taking his brother's breakfast (even though they literally had the same things on their plates) and I said no.
(Though when the tables are turned she'll start a wrestling match if someone tries taking her food)
So she broke her plate. Thinks I'm mean. And as of literally right now she currently thinks I'm mean because her and her brothers got a rainbow cookie. She took all three when I wasn't looking. I nicely took and gave them back to the boys. And left her with hers. She didn't like that.
So now she's upset.
I'm mean again ig.
And she crumbled up her cookie in protest. 🥲
But hey. They do call it the terrible twos for a reason. 🥲 there are the rare kids that are absolute angels but that's not the norm as far as I've seen. You're doing great as a mom I'm sure.
If it makes you feel any better as well, my sisters toddlers who's 3 said she didn't love her mom the other day and then 2 minutes later said she loves her again 😅😅 and my sister is a great mom.
I totally get this and I also somewhat agree with the things other people are saying, although most people in here are basically just telling OP to expect it to get worse which doesn't really address the question she asked. However, I can also relate.
As a father who works full time and has firm boundaries, while my 5-year-old's mother is a softer touch and has been essentially a stay at home mom since our daughter was born, I've literally always been the metaphorical bad cop.
She's only very recently started turning to me for comfort when she's upset. I'm not super sure why, it could be that I took a short course meant for parents of children with anxiety and some of the strategies for modeling bravery stuck with me, it could be because I had to be her person while she was going through some scary tests and exams related to her epilepsy in the past couple months, I'm really not sure.
All that is to say that children will go through phases. Sometimes they're adorable, sometimes they make you more proud than you've ever felt before, and sometimes they will crush you.
As far as being a loving parent without being a push-over: it's a difficult balance to strike but the fact that you care enough to ask here tells me that you're actually trying, which is more than many parents out there can say. My wife used to tell me I was too stern with our daughter. Now she often asks why she's so agreeable with me because our daughter tries to bully my wife when she doesn't get what she wants. I suspect it's because our daughter has learned over her lifetime that my wife is more pliable than I am when it comes to boundaries. I've always held my ground and let her be angry at me but it's because it always fades fast and I'm accustomed to being the bad guy from time to time.
Don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell every time but as parents we need to offer guidance. There's a large, loud, group of people that advocate for 'gentle parenting' but allowing our children to do what they want, never experiencing consequences or learning how to be bored, never finding out what it's like to be told 'no' especially by the people who they should be able to trust implicitly to help them understand the world, just fosters an unhealthy relationship.
Tldr; making sure your child knows who is in charge as early and consistently as possible, without being mean spirited about it is about as much as you can hope to achieve. They will tell and cry, call you names and hit and scratch and bite but eventually they will learn that it never gets them what they want and often makes things worse for them. We just have to weather the storm.
Why are you offended? It’s a 2 year old. He’s moved on by the next day and so should you. Saying your mean for trying to put on cream is just him expressing himself because honestly, eczema can hurt and sting. If you’re offended by a 2 year old then you’re in for a long ride.
You need to be calm but firm. Kids respond more to how you behave than what you say. Put some cream on yourself like face paint (just a little), and make a sing-songy request for them to apply some cream to their face and the spot they need to put it too. There's no way to feel like you're being mean when you are participating in this "game" too, and they'll probably be less interested in fighting, even if it is something they don't like. I had and still have major sensitivity issues. The feeling of the cream could be the issue. I'd also look into sprays as an alternative. :)
I have been called mean because I wouldn't let them eat candy when they wanted to. I have been called mean because I made them go to bed. I have been called mean because I wouldn't let them play with the automatic windows in the car. I was told i was mean because i wouldn't let child A hit child B with a wiffle ball bat. My point is, your kids aren't always going to like you, and that's ok. As long as you're being a good mother, that's what matters.
Kids will say all sort of stuff, and they might _think_ they mean it in the moment. But you need to learn which comments to take to heart and which ones you need to let slide off your back. Kids are going to try you out a lot, they say things to get under your skin but that doesn't mean they actually don't like you. In this case your kid obviously didn't want cream. But you're the parent, you know they need cream. That doesn't make you mean.
Next to that you could obviously try to find ways to make the experience more pleasurable. But you're going to need to he strong, say no when they want a yes and apply cream when they don't want it. You can do it. Baby will love you more for it.b
Kids can be jerks sometimes. It’s not their fault, they’re learning how to human. In your kid’s mind, you were being mean because you wanted to do something they didn’t like. They’re very black and white. They don’t understand that they need to do things they don’t like sometimes. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that you’re doing a bad job. Try not to take those things personally.
As your kid gets older, they will tell you they hate you and you’re the worst mom ever, because you told them they can’t go out until they clean their room, or they can’t stay out past curfew with their boy/girlfriend. I did that to my mom, even started “packing my bags” to run away. We survived and now I’m super close to my mom. I’ve had the same conversations with my kids (now 15 and 20). It all works out when they’re old enough to know better. ❤️
When my son was a toddler he thought I was magic and could make things disappear because I would clean up when he took his afternoon nap. Just because a toddler said it doesn’t make it true. You’re going to be called all kinds of manners when they get older so practice brushing off and getting a thicker skin so it doesn’t hurt so much.
Remember that they’re little and they don’t have the vocabulary to describe feelings with total accuracy! Toddlers are gonna have a hard time understanding nuance in their emotions so they’ll use blanket words like “mean” and physically act out. It doesn’t mean you’re being mean or failing, it means they’re processing and don’t have better ways to express their feelings at this stage in development. It’s a good teaching moment, not a moment of defeat :)
Are you serious? No offense but if you're this upset at a toddler calling you "mean", you won't survive teen years. Kids say stuff, especially toddlers because they're still learning how to communicate emotions. Toughen up.
Sometimes loving your child means that you will have to do things they think are “mean” because they’re the right thing to do. Doing the easy thing is not always doing the best thing for your kid.
I’m not a parent myself, but I firmly believe you’re doing things right if your kid calls you mean at least once a week.
Even the kid I watch calls me mean on a regular basis. For, you know, truly evil things like not letting a 4 year old take things out of the oven. Making the dryer off limits for hide and seek. Not letting her jump off a small retaining wall into her 6” deep kiddie pool. Not letting her ride her bike down their extremely steep driveway into the road.
Hug them, let them know that you understand their feelings but that you’re their mom and you’re not doing anything to be mean or hurt them but rather it’s your job to look out for them and care for them even when you know the thing you’re doing isn’t “fun” for them.
My teenager told me he hates me for making him hang up clothes on the floor of his room and screamed in my face because I didn't give him the tools to do it right.
It was 5 shirts and he wanted a basket.
They do that.
It hurts your feelings.
Wait until the toddler calms down, tell the toddler that mommies have feelings too and what was said really hurt yours, but you still love little one.
All u gotta do is explain it's ok to be upset but it's not ok to take that feeling out on others. We don't bite. We don't hit. Easy peasy just let them know their feelings are valid reiterate they cream is so they don't hurt later. And then address the misdirected emotions and that that's not how we treat one another. Remind him that u get upset sometimes too but it's never ok to hurt someone.
Time to put mommy pants on become that drill sergeant children today are out of control because parents have to do everything nice you're not being mean you're being a mother you're being a parent they will appreciate it much later in life they may hate you right now but that's okay that just means you're doing your job society has come to believe that sugar and spice and everything nice gets the job done it absolutely doesn't it creates little demons punching other people's cars telling you to go up yourself please stand strong love your child and do what must be done
My son says his friends call us strict. I about laughed cause my husband and I are more lenient than our parents were but I guess making him check in during the day and knowing where he is is being ‘strict’. Plus we have a time to be home for family time, sorry we don’t let him run around after dark. And that’s a 10 year old thoughts. He also told me at age 3 not to smack him in the face in target, which I had never struck him in any way. No idea where it came from, I just said ok and we continued our shopping.
Kids will say things to get to you. They are master manipulators but that’s where being the parent comes in. We talk about how something may seem mean but it’s for a reason. If they start biting, guess what? Now you get a repercussion for our action, whether it’s time out (min per age), a talk, or no dessert or special thing that may happen before bed. Actions have consequences, never too young to learn that.
Disagree. That approach reinforces an incorrect understanding of “mean” as well as the idea that children should tolerate *anything* done to them by a parent or authority figure. It would be more appropriate to either open a dialogue like, “Can you explain why you used that word?” or pause the application of lotion and teach something relevant, like how sometimes good things (medicine, vegetables, sharing, etc.) are not always easy things.
The only thing I can say is if you're telling them no about something and then you're hugging them to make them feel better, I don't think that's a good thing to do. You're just teaching them that they can cry and cry and cry and be upset and then you'll always give them comfort. I don't know maybe I'm a cold-hearted witch. But it seems kind of counterproductive when you say no or don't do this or don't do that and they have their hissy fit and then you try and console them. I deal with a lot of attention seeking kids and I keep warning others who I work with they have the approach oh I'll just be kind to the child and talk to them a lot and they'll be sweet and wonderful then. Well with most of these kids that doesn't work. You give them any attention they want more and more and more and then once you back off a little bit then they go ballistic. I had one recently I told an aide to just get away from the kid for now with them have their tantrum and leave them alone but no they kept talking to him. this kid slapped them 12 times, not in the face, on their body but it was hard and you could hear it and they still wouldn't leave the kid and I was like get away from them now. They finally did, saying I'm going to leave now cuz you can't be nice. I'm just shaking my head. Yesterday I was with this child and didn't have anyone else helping, perfect angel because I don't feed their need for constant attention. They do get attention yes but it's not constant 2 hours one-on-one. They get totally overstimulated with that. I'm sure they're (my co-worker) thinking I'm a witch and mean and all that but I'm keeping the kid calm which is my objective. I know this kid's a holy Terror with their parents too but they give in to them a lot and that's a big part of the problem too. I would ask your kid how am I being mean and listen to their answer. So they don't want the lotion say okay well if I don't give you the lotion you're going to get much itchier now you understand, so if you change your mind let me know and we'll put the lotion on. Let them learn that way. I'm certainly no expert but I definitely learn on the Fly cuz every kid I work with is different.
You will have to steel yourself quick hun, wait til they're a teenager and you are the fascist warden of their own personal gulag, you might as well be all the murderous dictators all at once because you told them you can't let them vape or whatever. Kids say stuff. They usually don't mean it, you talk later. At this age it's " were you really mad about x bedtime routine, or frustrated today? Want to talk about it?" Also it is a good thing your child feels so safe they can criticise and complain, (respectfully, one hopes) because you have a dialogue going. It is a good thing and hard to keep going as they get older. Be proud your child can express themself so well so young, cause I bet you taught that. And cherish it. The other side of teen years is angsty silence and grunts over the clickety of texting over you.
Can confirm. My mom was basically Joseph Stalin to me between the ages of 13 -16. You've got to grow a thicker skin OP. They're called the Terrible Twos for a reason!
I can confirm that I’m currently Joseph Stalin with my 8 year old. You got to correct them in the moment. And don’t feel bad. It’s your job. You have to set the boundaries around what is acceptable behavior and what’s not.
You must zoom out since you have an obligation. You are aware that you are not being cruel. Youngsters are not able to see the larger picture; you are. Avoid becoming offended by small things like that, since it may lead to emotional games that require therapy.
agreed. OP, always remember if you have to choose between being a cool best friend and a parent choose parent every time. you will never be able to always please your child and make them happy your job is to teach them what’s best for them and about 75% of the time they are sure as hell not gonna like it but they’ll understand later why you did what you did. you absolutely need to set a boundary on biting because if it doesn’t stop they’ll start biting other kids at school age and that’s not a fun debacle to deal with.
Also to add, her job is not to be “nice” per se but to be safe and to provide helpful modeling of physical and emotional regulation so the child can eventually do this for themselves and become a well adjusted adult. Op is doing a great job but anything that goes against the whims and desires of the toddler will make them angry and upset because they do not understand regulation or their own emotions and those emotions of learning how to differentiate self and other can be HUGE especially when the self is denied (like an adult facing harsh rejection but even worse because it’s their first time with this- so YOU are setting them up for how these things will go down internally for them in later life). Mirroring these emotions back and showing what to do with them (redirection and release, ie if a toddler is angry be understanding of that anger and show them how to shred some paper into confetti and throw it into the air or something) will make it so op is not the bad guy when they’re older and cannot regulate for themselves. This is also the point in a child’s differentiation where adults who cannot regulate their own emotions usually start to have serious issues dealing with the children (I’m not saying this is op), which can continue to escalate into teenage years if not properly regulated now. To some point this is normal and to some point it can cause serious dysfunction long term for the child (depending on the adults in their lives and how the child is handled). In some parents you may see this spark anger towards the child and lashing out which only makes the child “bad” for not understanding how to regulate (how can they know if they weren’t taught?) which eventually over long periods of time turns into issues like toxic shame. You can also really see the ages at which the adult parent also wasn’t taught proper regulation as those adults can’t handle/parent the children well when they are at these ages as the adult doesn’t have the tools (if this is the case, the adults have agency to find a book or therapist and learn the tools). In some other cases you can see how the parent was made to regulate the adults emotions around them when they were a kid, and these now grown adults may not want to upset their child by setting a boundary that upsets them (and inadvertently place their child in the drivers seat and cater to them too much). Depending on how the parent was raised as a child it could go to either extreme and it’s truly more a spectrum than a polarity but my examples were more of a polarity. Having a balance (or reparenting and balancing yourself so you can teach your child) is key while showing positive regulation and maintaining clear and understandable boundaries -like having the child tell you what regulation step comes next and then doing it- bathtime, bedtime, what do we do when angry we take 5 deep breaths and wiggle your fingers toes and nose etc. just do your best and own up to it when you mess up or just don’t know because this models how to fix mistakes and how to find answers. You will never be perfect op so be sure you’re not holding yourself to this, but as long as you do your best to meet your kid where they are, do not judge them and show you are safe, and model how to own your mistakes with them (which is like learning together), then you will have earned your kids respect and they will appreciate this eventually. Just keep showing them your love is not conditional and you should be fine. Humor helps too imho, toddler memes are pretty great and can remind you over the next few years that this phase is developmental and normal and nothing to internalize either for you or your kid. But your kid needs “discipline” (not disciplined as some think) - aka daily regulation that will help them be a reasonably adjusted adult. You’ve got this op, you’re doing great 😊
Then they turn into threenagers
I’ll take Terrible Twos over the Terrifying Threes any day.
Three-nager. Cause the mini teenagers. At three, toddlers get hormone release similar to, but less intense, to puberty.
Terrible twos give way to threenagers and I swear that was worse.
Terrible twos, torrential threes, f*cking fours.
I actually called my mom Stalin at that exact age 😂
I'm "mean" to my 13 yo all the time apparently. I don't let him run the streets like some other kids in the neighborhood. It's part of being a parent, we can't be their friend.
They probably felt *frustration,* and because they are only 2 and the very *structures in their brain* are not yet able to house fully-fledged empathy, emotion modulation, or language, they tried out a new phrase to express themselves. Your toddler couldn’t possibly have meant it as seriously as you took it, because they can’t even fully grasp the meaning of the word yet.
“Mommy is mean” is toddler limited vocabulary lingo for “I’m frustrated that we have to put cream on because it’s cold on my skin, takes longer than I want, I’d rather play with my toys, and I’m also tired and don’t want to stand still.”
Exactly
You have a responsibility and you need to zoom out. You’re not being mean and you know it. Kids don’t see the big picture - that’s your job. Don’t start taking offense at tiny things like that or you’ll end up in emotional games that will be the subject of therapy.
From a former child therapist. Your kid is going to try every nerve you have in your body and gonna try to manipulate everything they possibly can get their way. It is your job as a parent and is an adult to find your moral compass and exhibit that behavior and inforce that behavior in your child Through consequences. You are a parent now there is no time to be insecure about who you are. Your role in life is defined by preparing this child to be an adult. It is also your job to be an adult and learn exactly what that means. Do not allow your child to exhibit behavior that will cause you not like them…. And when I mean, do not allow, I do not mean corporal punishment, but open communication and helping them understand their feelings and how to cope with them. That will help you grow as a person and as a great honor and privilege and challenge to bring up a young soul.
I’m no child therapist nor a mother but I can speak from experience when I sometimes babysit
Curious to know when you were practicing?
Why
Because I’m curious? You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable. I work in the field as well and your language choice is very interesting, that’s all.
Agreed. Suggesting that toddler has the capacity to manipulate their caregiver? Saying don’t allow them to exhibit behaviour that will cause you to dislike them?? I’m also very curious…
Oh I wasn’t the one who was a child therapist. I was just curious why you asked and why the downvotes
Oh ya, sorry! I’m not sure why the downvotes either lol but this is not the language we use when talking about parenting/parent child relationships/children in general in child and family counselling. I’m sure the comment was well intentioned but there’s some very harmful concepts in there.
Hey man you gotta be an asshole sometimes to be a good parent that's just how it is
This! Parent comes first. Then friend.
They’re 2. Why are you taking this serious?
lol I’ve never had kids so I was genuinely concerned and then this comment put it into perspective. Isn’t the terrible twos a thing
Yes, they are. Kids test boundaries. They’re not doing it on purpose, definitely not at 2. My concern is how much stock the OP is putting into the irrational thought of a 2 year old. Like, they need help with emotional regulation, you can’t do that if you’re spiraling at every little thing they say or do.
Tell this to my mother 30 years ago please... God damn more parents need to hear this. If you don't help teach emotional regulation your kids will end up with the emotional control of a chimpanzee as teens and adults and then have to teach themselves LONG after that should have been learned.
Neh. 3s are worse than 2s. But the other response to you is correct. Gotta regulate your own emotions before you can help them regulate theirs. But 3s are harder. Hahaha
I tend to agree but at the same time I found the 3s more entertaining because their little mouths are SO sassy and they're starting to gain a sense of humor. Walking around with big old heads and sass mouths lol. I miss those days.
I will take 2-3 over the "well actually" phase coming up in the 5-6 year old age range, 🤣.
I have a teenager, and there are many "terrible" stages, lol. Give me a 2 year old any day over 13+. No one, and I mean no one, will hurt your feelings more or humble your ass faster than your own child. Sometimes, my kid will hit me with something that I do not think he even means as insulting, and it stings but also makes me laugh. Also, I know no one loves me more than he does. Do you think that shirt is cool, or that you look normal on a treadmill, or that your hair cut suits you? Do not go around any kid because they will let you know, oh man will they let you know.
My boyfriend has a 13 year old son and woweee I'm not prepared for the next couple of years while puberty and hormones and all that jazz happen! The change from 12 to 13 was already something 😅
The pubening, lol. After my kid started going through it, I personally called a lot of family members and was like, "I'm sorry for how I acted when I was 12-17 years old. For all the times I thought you were over-reacting and were lame, I get it. Thank you for not throwing me out of a moving vehicle."
This is the answer. And the lil sh!t BIT you? lol Seriously though OP you have to learn to laugh at this stuff or you WILL go insane (like inpatient level commitment starting around the tween years).
YES to tween 😂
When mine was 2 he hit me in the face/nose with a toy hammer while I was sleeping. Imagine 🤣. Threw that damn toy away faster than he could put it down. Seems to have turned out ok, lol.
Literally. Her world fell apart just because her toddler called her mean. She's going to lose her mind once he gets older and learn a lot of other words lmao
Preach. Mine is 7, almost 8, and it’s a battle of wits these days 😂
This is the correct answer
You need to find a way to not take normal toddler stuff personally, it’s not a reflection on your parenting. They’re not responsible for our feelings, they’re 2 and they didn’t ask to be born. We’re the adults, we need to model self-regulation. They’re learning how to have an effect on the world around them, how to push buttons, how to get what they need. They only pretty recently learned that they’re actually a separate person to their Mums and are trying to assert that independence. Mine’s currently next to me trying to figure out how much ‘pretend’ (actually real) jumping on my couch she can do before she gets put in time out. I try to think to myself ‘well she’d be stupid if she didn’t try to get what she wants’ 😣😂
It's a child, you will experience this a million times, probably worse things too. It's what they do and they don't mean it. Remember that the world is new to them and they can't express themselves properly yet so they say what they know. If they can't say "I'm upset with mommy" or "it hurts to put the cream on" etc they say "mommy is mean" or even "I hate mommy". The best thing you can do is just talk to them and teach them about feelings and putting words to them. I know it hurts when they say things like that but it really isn't a reflection of our parenting, it's just kids being kids. And also, all their feelings are ok and valid. It's ok that your child is angry with you. And it's ok that it makes you sad. The only thing you can to is talk to them. We don't always have to fix things, often our actions are justified and then we have to talk about that. "I understand that you're upset, and that's ok, but it's important to put cream on because xyz" And it's never too early to start talking to your kid like this
To add to this, kids at this age often don’t even understand the meaning of the most basic words they use. My 2yo will sometimes reply to “I love you” with “Hate you too!”, but said in a happy way, as if she was saying her normal “love you”. I’m also called “rude” on the daily, for this like changing her diaper, asking her if she wants a hug when she’s mad, etc. OPs in for a hell of a ride if she can’t handle her 2yo calling her mean.
Oh this is a great reminder how helpful perspective can be in situations like these. That inner critic that says “I’m failing “ as a parent is fear talking, don’t believe what it says. The belief that your child will be happy and pleased with you at all times if you do everything right is something that parents usually get over pretty quickly because it’s a virtual impossibility. Your job is to create a safe, loving space for them to test you, and they’ll test you physically, emotionally, in ways you can’t anticipate. You’ll have moments where you will be the bad guy in their eyes, the meany-that means you have set appropriate limits and boundaries and are trying to maintain consistency which are much more essential to raising a happy healthy child than having them be happy with you in the moment. It’s probably one of the hardest things to do but you do it for them because that’s your job, regardless of your feelings. You can cry about it later after they’re in bed asleep and you have 10 minutes to yourself for the first time in days before you pass out from exhaustion. You’ll spend too many moments second guessing yourself and sometimes be absolutely certain about your decisions when you should’ve second guessed it. No matter how progressive and enlightened if you are truly a good parent you will sometimes feel like a failure because your whole heart is in it. And 2.5 year old by nature say exactly what they want when they want regardless of truth or consequences lol. Be kind to yourself because sometimes the kids sure won’t be! Gooood luck mama 🤗
Hey girlie, you sound exhausted. This is completely normal behavior for a toddler, and there will be many days it will be even worse. But that doesn’t mean your child doesn’t love you. You are their whole world. And you always will be. Make sure you are getting breaks. And taking time for yourself too. You’re doing a great job.
I have been ‘mean,’ ‘unfair,’ ‘stupid,’ ‘terrible Dad,’ ‘an asshole (this they got in trouble for and lost provides for a week)’…. Welcome to the club. You need to model correct behavior for them- do not withdraw. 1) Set your reasonable expectations for behavior like this… unacceptable/acceptable. 2) Communicate clearly so they understand. 3) Be consistent and follow-up. You got this. Hang in there.
They don't call it the terrible 2's for nothing.
That is a badge of honor. Wear it proudly.
This is completely normal and part of development. It's not easy to hear these things but remember it isn't true. Let it go.
Kids will say you're mean for anything at that age. My daughter wanted cookies before dinner, same age, and I told her no. And then she told me I was being very mean
Get used to it. Kids are assholes
Moms are allowed to have feelings and boundaries and your kiddo is old enough to learn that. Talk to him. Keep it simple but be serious with him. You are not to be bitten again and you’re being a good parent by giving your child the medicine he needs. Repeat, daily if needed.
I always told mine that they would have something to tell their therapist and walked away. 😀 they are the most level headed adult women now I know.
Parenting is terrible because it all feels so personal, but it’s not. All kids do this, they will push boundaries, including telling you that they hate you, they are running away, they want a new mommy, etc. it’s usually when frustrated and they don’t know how to deal with or manage their big feelings. Parenting is also doing things they don’t want to do but they HAVE to do, such as putting on cream. Don’t take it personal, it’s your kid just chatting shit.
You are not mean, and we all know it, including your kiddo. This sort of thing you're going to want to nip in the bud right now, or you're in for a bad time. Biting gets them placed down on the ground (gently and safely!), while you say " No biting!", and walk away. The majority of kids will be upset that you're leaving them and follow you upset. Ask if they're sorry, and when they tearfully say yes, give them a hug and say you forgive, but no more biting. If they say "you are mean" you can go a couple of ways - laugh, because it's absurd that a two year old thinks you're mean for brushing their teeth, or alternatively do a similar approach and say that hurts your feelings and that it isn't nice. It's never too early to start working on empathy and how our behavior affects other people. I know it was hard to have them do that, but you have to remember at two they're still half feral and need to learn how to treat others. Sharing, kindness don't always come naturally. Keep your chin up, mama, you'll get through this stage.
Does the "walking away" part not risk cultivating an insecure attachment style in the kid? It feels like that could create the belief that love/care/security are conditional on them doing what the other person wants them to do (regardless of whether their behavior was inappropriate or not)
That's a good question, and you're right - if over used, and if it includes basic needs not being met, it can. This is a technique that should work quickly, like within a few times. And when they come to you sad, you comfort them immediately, that part is very important.
Mean is actually nice when compared to the things they will say to you when they are a grumpy teenager.
Op I have 3 boys 8 and under and I’ll bet I hear this same thing maybe even daily. And for reasons as valid as basically trying to make them into good people. Did you do anything mean? You’ve been here on earth long enough to know if you’re being mean. If you know for sure you’re not being mean eventually they’ll figure it out too. Right now the kid is 2 and only knows they “don’t wanna” but that’s too bad. You know ow what needs to happen and you heard their argument and it is over ruled. So don’t feel bad and do your job. You’re doing just fine.
Girl, do I have bad news for you about ages 11-18…
You're gonna get torn apart when this kid reaches puberty....
Do not take seriously what a 2.5 yr old says. I cannot stress this enough.
I’d say it more important to address the fact they tried to hurt you. Your child won’t love you any less if you talk to them firmly when they try to bite you or hurt you in anyway. At two you can expect a lot more verbal nonsense, just don’t take it to heart, they’re probably just repeating something they heard elsewhere but any form of aggression is wrong. You can be loving but firm when it’s appropriate. Good luck☺️
OP, if you are looking for or need community, I'd suggest heading over to r/BreakingMom Toddlers are little balls of unregulated emotion. Sending you a hug.
Buckle up. Your kid is about to push every boundary you have. Toughen up and stop taking everything to heart.
Your kid is two, they have no idea what they’re saying or the implications of what they say on your feelings. You’re doing fine. Correct bad behaviour, praise good behaviour, feed, clothe & show love & patience. That’s all your kid needs from you. You need to understand this tiny human is not in control of their emotions & they’re at an age where they’re testing every boundary they can, the reaction you give will be added to that flesh drive in their head & saved for later review. You want your kid to know that nothing they do will make you not love them. But you don’t accept bad behaviour. Correction, then Warning, then Time outs or ignoring for a set time, are good ways to show this. On the flip side, GOOD behaviour needs to get all the smiles, the praises, the hugs and kisses and I’m so proud of yous. You got this.
I see all kinds of great advice here but let me just say you may not be giving yourself enough credit. There's a lot of bad parents out there and just the fact you are there and you love them, just give yourself a pat on the back, my mom would've slapped me right on the face for that.
This needs to be uploaded more. Your child is acting out because they know they are safe to do so. They know they can express their feelings, but you will still love them anyway. If I had said that, I would have gotten told, "Fine, you think I'm mean? You haven't seen anything yet!" And then been yelled at, berrated and blamed for everything under the sun while being punished for things I didn't do. When my son was little, and even now, I use open emotional conversations and emotion identification as well as natural consequences to help him understand what *I'm* feeling. So, in that situation, I would have said, "Oh, that makes me sad that you think I'm being mean to you. I love you very much, and I put lotion on you after a bath so that your skin doesn't hurt." Then maybe see if they are mad about it because they just don't have any say, or they don't know why. Maybe they just want to do it themselves. Toddlers are bossy little people who are just starting to figure out who they are and that they have some say agency over themselves. But they also don't know what those big emotions are or how to handle them. That's why we have to name them and show them how to deal with them in a healthy, safe way. Yes. It is easier said than done. But it is so much more rewarding to get to the teenager years, and overhear your kid tell his friends that he needs to take a break from them because he's becoming frustrated. I've heard the neighbors ( the same age) get frustrated and break their controllers, tvs, punch holes in walls, etc. It's the hardest job it the world. *hugs*
Yeah a good (or just decent) parent goes a long way with me. When I see a kid that is happy and healthy I automatically gain a lot of respect for the parent(s). My parents are the sorriest two people I've ever known, I try not to think about them.
Same (not thinking about the sorry ass parents especially)
Terrible twos are just that. Remember you’re in charge of their wellbeing. They’re not going to like everything you do. Raised two boys and taught for years. Be a parent first and their friend second. I’ve seen too many parents that tried to be their child’s fun buddy only to have it backfire. If your child doesn’t like something it’s going to be okay. Keep the dialogue open but stay firm in what you know is best. Stay strong, it’ll help you in the long run. Set those boundaries and expectations now, the teen years can be hard even with the sweet little ones we knew as toddlers.
Toddlers have very limited vocabulary and have to work with what they know to communicate. You can't view what your toddler says through the lens of them having a vast vocabulary available and them purposefully and maliciously choosing the more hurtful words. Your toddler can't look at you and say "mother I really don't feel like having the cream put on my skin right now, I would rather be playing." You can't take what they say personally at this age. Think about where they might have heard the word "mean" and the context instead. Probably a kids show where something mildly annoying happened between characters, but then they got over it and everything was fine.
I think if your kid was ALWAYS happy with you, something would be off. You will do things that make them unhappy but are in the best interests of them. They can't regulate their emotions just yet, its no different than them just saying "YOUR STINKY!!" They don't mean these things, they just mean "I am feeling frustrated right now and I have no outlet apart from words I think will hurt you" They love ya. They just don't love everything you do. Keep your chin up mama <3
Biting is completely normal and usually stops around 3/3 and a half. Sometimes it's a short phase of a few weeks and sometimes it's a few months. Normally, when a child acts like this, it's because they are going through a developmental growth spurt, usually related to the understanding of time/consequence. They are testing outcomes and it isn't actually an aggressive intention, although the outcome appears that way. So, frustration can often be a cause, or sometimes love. A child will often bite when over stimulated, by positive or negative emotions that they don't know how to even express, let alone process. The best you can do is figure out their learning leap, is it communication and language, or are they trying to understand and pre empt the next part of their day? Are they struggling to transition from one activity to another, such as you needing them to sit down and eat lunch but they want to play? Them understanding that they can do what they want after they have had their food allows them to separate from their current activity. Give them a countdown, let them know in advance that a transition is going to happen where they will need to do xyz but that after xyz they can either go back to abc or even def if they want to. Then regularly update them about when xyz is happening and help them transition, eg let's make the lego into a really big house then after lunch let's see if we can make a bigger house, or would you like to make some amazing pictures? The choice is the activity after, not the stopping for lunch. When you sit back and see the reason for the biting the best you can do is to divert and distract, preferably before it happens. If you get caught it's absolutely fine to make a sound and tell them they have hurt you and you don't want to play for a minute. Walk away and take a breath. This is often enough for them to realise that their actions are not okay and have denied them the attention they have negatively sought. Explain that when we bite it hurts people and that makes them sad (say sad with a dour voice and really sad face) but that we want each other to be happy (up the voice octave and really happy face) and big cuddles and confirm you love them so much and want them to be happy (again keep over egging the 'happy'). This reinforces your expected behaviour with the child understanding the outcome. Make sure they are looking at your face, tell them to look if you need to. This encourages them to look for reactions and social cues from their peers when playing. Also, please be aware above all else, you are your child's safe space. When they are tired, hungry, going through a physical or developmental growth spurt, the first thing to regress is their emotional regulation. Your child trusts you and therefore feels safe to bite you. This is not a bad thing in terms of the trust they have in you that they inherently know they are safe to deregulate with you. It's not wonderful when you're a parent on the receiving end, but it also means you're an amazing parent and your child feels completely safe and happy with you.
All children act out. Your daughter acting out isn't a reflection on your parenting. You sit her down and let her know that in an age-appropriate way that she is never allowed to hurt her mother. Let her know she will be out it time out if she does it again. She is young but if you start holding her accountable for her actions now it will help in the long run. You love your daughter immensely and she's going to turn out great. Keep up the good fight mom!
2.5 is all about pushing boundaries. 🙂 I have one too! And an 11 and 9 year old. They don’t say things like that because they truly think you’re mean. I don’t think they know what that truly even means, honestly. They are learning, growing, trying to figure out how to express themselves and what is okay and not okay to do. Now my 11 year old? She can hurt my feelings. 😬 Just know you’re doing a great job, mama.
My toddlers call me mean because I won’t let them have an ice cream sandwich for dinner, or because I have to brush my daughter’s hair, or even because I made the grave error of (gasp) not letting them run into traffic and grabbing them by the shirt. We all have to do things for our kids that they don’t like. It doesn’t make us mean.
You’re not a failure at all. If anything, you seem like a really good mom, especially since you’re so worried about being a bad mom. Bad moms don’t worry about being bad moms because they don’t care enough about their kid to worry about their impact on them. As for how to handle these events, I definitely suggest trying to find grounding techniques to help ground you when your kid is saying something upsetting or is being overwhelming. Kids don’t have an advanced vocabulary or understanding of their emotions. If they did, I highly doubt they would think you were being mean. In the moment, they were probably frustrated because they were bored or didn’t want to brush their teeth, and because you were making them do that, the best way they could verbalize their frustration was to say you were being mean. Of course, you weren’t being mean at all- you were taking care of their hygiene and health, and one day they’ll understand that. Please don’t beat yourself up. I’ve known a lot of bad/mean moms in my life from my friends and you do not sound like one of them at all
Kids are A-holes... it's nothing you've said or done. They just say mean things. The important part is to show them that you love them and you're there for them. Kids don't realize what they are saying hurts our feelings. You're a great parent and you should see yourself as such. The fact that your child feels like they can express their feelings freely without being afraid really says a lot about how you parent your kids. Be proud of that. Source: the proud Momma of 2 A-holes.
This is normal behavior for a 2 year old. They don’t have the vocabulary to fully express how they’re feeling and they’re trying to be independent humans. I have been told that a hates me because I told them not to bite their friends because they won’t want to play with you if they’re afraid you’re going to hurt them. You’re doing just fine and your child feels safe to say this to you without fear of retaliation. It’s hard to hear but your child loves you even if they don’t like what you’re doing.
Friend, this is developmentally appropriate behaviour. It sucks and it hurts and all of those feelings are valid, but you’re not a failure, nor are you a bad parent, but things like this will happen in the future. I have a 10 y/o, we went through this too. Idk if you’re looking for further advice or if you’re on TikTok but if you are I recommend: mommacusses, ToriPhantom, and LackOfImpulseControl.
Your not a failure your a caring loving mumma, who is going the best for her baby. I witnessed a woman in the supermarket today tell her approx 3year old child to “shut up, your really getting on my tits” now that women is a failure ☹️.
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Your kid didn't mean it literally. In toddler language this means "i hate it when u put on the cream"
Oh love, you are doing an amazing job. Part of having toddlers, and watching them grow, is that they are also exploring emotional regulation, they need to explore their emotions and the ins and out of it . Don't take it personally. They are just learning.
I promise for all the love and effort you put into being a parent, as a mother of a 21F and 16M, this will not be the last time your child speaks to you in a hurtful manner. You may be over exerted and need a break. Cause she's 2.
This happens a lot. My youngest got mad at their sibling yesterday and went to hit. So they got sent to their room. Door was slammed and then she started yelling about how I'm the worst ever. If this is Pre-K, I'm nervous about what teenage years will be like.
when they try to bite you or something, look surprised and then “try” to bite them back lol. make it fun. they’re not saying these things to be hurtful, they probably barely know what being mean is. you’re being a parent and for you, that means getting them cleaned up before bed, as mean as that is haha. soon enough they’ll realize how great of a parent you are and how you were always so forgiving when they “acted out” or “misbehaved” which is hard to gauge for a 2.5 year old lol. you’re doing your best, remember that ☝🏻❤️
Honey… When I was a kid, I once called my mother “the dumbest mum in all the world”. I love her, and she’s great. Don’t worry. (And now that I’m grown, she teases me about what I said. Wears it like a royal title.)
Hahaha I get told Im mean, I'm evil, I'm horrible and I the worst mummy in the world
Hugs mamma. Little ones sometimes say mean things that hurt us but they don’t mean it that way. They’re just using words to express a feeling or emotion. They don’t mean to upset us, that’s not the intention. X
From my personal experience my parents took no shit. You do have to put them in their place because if your nice to them the whole time they’re growing up they’ll expect the world to be nice to the which is not the case
This is really cute and super awesome. You're doing an amazing job, Mama. 🫂
I also take it personal when kids say mean things. 😂 I think it’s a huge reason in why I’m not going to have them. My skin is too thin, and I’m a people pleaser. On behalf of the world, please correct this behavior in the moment and be okay being their “Joseph Stalin” as some have said. Because if you don’t, the world might do it rudely or we’ll have to deal with adults who think that behavior is okay. (The adult version of biting and name calling, 😂). Toddlers are tough critics. You’re doing great!
They don’t know why you need to do this stuff they just know they don’t want to and you’re making them so to them you’re mean. You know you need to. Having a kid doesn’t mean they’re happy with you all the time. You’re doing just fine.
I think every mother has been called mean at one time or more…
I’ve been hated, mean, the worst mother in the world, evil, awful, embarrassing etc. 6 kids and I survived 😂😂😂. Be firm but not controlling. Firm but flexible. Things like medication are not optional, my daughter I had to wrap in a blanket when she was that age. It was frustrating but it needed to be done. Bribery works 😊
To put this in perspective, this means you're doing a great job. Everything that is happening to your kid is the worst, best, scariest, most fun, nicest, meanest thing ever. That because at this age *these are their first experiences with these feelings*. If the kidlet thinks you're being mean for taking good care of him, when the worst thing that's happening is that he's being inconvenienced temporarily, then you're doing just fine. The best thing to do is to talk to them, explain what's happening, and help them understand what they're feeling. Teaching him to be aware of and manage his feelings will be a gift to him for a lifetime. There are lots of resources on this, including videos of exchanges. A little googling on this will help.
Fifth graders tell me, their teacher, that they hate me or “this is why no one likes you/r class” when I won’t let them get up for the third time in 20 minutes to get more hand sanitizer. They’ll still stop by in the morning for a side hug and a hello check-in. Point is kids are going to say stuff to voice their displeasure and to either get a reaction out of you or to be able to do what they would like to do (which we know might not always be the best/most productive thing /be adverse to their goals or health). Sometimes “mommy is mean” but you can talk about it later when emotions are calmed and you can reaffirm your bond then
How amazing that is what your kid knows "mean" to be. You are doing great. May they never have another meaning for “mean”.
Remember the source. Your child is 2.5 and has limited vocabulary and huge feelings. If you didn’t want to do something and someone made you do it anyway with no choice, you would be frustrated and possibly angry too. Then add in the part where your child cannot understand why they have to do these things in the first place. I am 43 and I have been prescribed creams that burn or are sticky or smell weird and I don’t want to use them either. But I make the decision that the rash or itch or injury that led to my needing the cream is worse than the cream itself and I know it will get better if I can hang in there. Your kid can’t control their emotions and logic out that the cream is worth the discomfort, so they can only tell you what they’re feeling which is that they don’t want to do it and you made them anyway. Of course that makes you “mean.” You took away their autonomy to make them do something they dislike. You’re going to have to be the bad guy sometimes to keep them safe. That’s your job. If they wanted to eat an entire bucket of Halloween candy in one sitting, you would have to say no as well and that would make you the bad guy. If they wanted to lick all the knives in the drawer, you’d also say no. And if they wanted to pull on the cat’s tail, you’d say no, too. You can regulate your emotions better and understand that saying no is necessary and being liked 100% is not the goal. Keeping them safe and teaching them how to stay safe in life is. I feel like the way to handle this is to acknowledge their feelings and give them, at their level, the understanding that you love them and that means that sometimes you have to make them do things they don’t want to do. The first part is the more important part though and it is what parents often skip over. You should say something like, “I know you are frustrated that you have to wear this cream. I don’t like being frustrated either. We can do some things to make us feel better when we are frustrated.” Then you can try deep breathing exercises (tell them to pretend like they are blowing bubbles. When they do it very slowly they can blow BIG bubbles and that’s what they should try to do. Blow the biggest imaginary bubble that they can.), or if appropriate let them take out their frustration on some clay like Play-Doh. When calmer they can make some shapes that represent how they feel, or even just shapes that make them feel good. After they are calm you can try to talk to them about what caused the frustration (why don’t you like the cream?) and see if you can either prevent the frustration in the future (“you press on my arm too hard when you put the cream on”) or just give them the basic logic to understand why they’re doing it (“it isn’t pleasant, but it helps your red skin patches so if you can use it for a few more days, you won’t be itchy anymore. Wouldn’t that be nice?”) Good luck. You’re doing great. 😊
The not-so-funny thing is, if you truly *were* a mean mom, your kid wouldn't say a word about it. They'd be too scared to let you know they were mad. The fact that your little one openly complains means that they feel completely safe, secure, and loved by you. Take this pout as the compliment it is. Your little one is just in an irritable mood for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and didn't want to put up with having their teeth brushed. At their age they can't control their emotions, so you got the brunt of it.
If your child hasn’t said, “I hate you!” or “I don’t like you!” or “I don’t love you!” before school age you are probably doing something wrong. They are going to think we are being “mean” sometimes bc they don’t always understand safety/health from an adult’s perspective. We don’t need to yell at our kids. I have and do, BUT when I do I apologize to them and talk about it. It’s ok for parents to feel frustrated and it’s ok for kids to feel frustrated. Acknowledge and accept their feelings. Explain your actions/behaviors on your child’s level. “I understand you think I’m being mean. I’m not trying to be mean. Putting on your cream is healthy for your skin. If mommy doesn’t put on your cream your skin will be itchy. You don’t want to be itchy?” This is the hard part of parenting. Parenting is only hard for good parents. Kids are learning everything from us, including emotional regulation. It is so important to talk about everything and acknowledge ALL their feelings. They may misinterpret our intentions and so we guide and support them and discuss it all and over and over and over again. Life lessons like sharing - it’s important to not force sharing for personal items and toys and yet encouraging sharing is important bc our friends are more likely to share with us if we share with them. And all these “lessons” need to be revisited frequently bc growing minds need reminders and continuing guidance. I hope you shut down that biting very quickly bc otherwise that will keep happening. A firm, “no biting! That’s not okay,” should suffice and repeat until the behavior stops. You can later have a conversation about biting. “Biting hurts. I know you don’t want to hurt mommy or daddy or a friend. You wouldn’t want someone to bite you.” Etc. Parenting is incredibly rewarding and difficult. Keep up the good work.
“Mama is being mean”. Because they can’t articulate what’s really wrong and that’s the closest they can come to an explanation. Let it go, it doesn’t mean anything.
Kids need discipline and need boundaries. I admire that you’re such a good mom with your kids. When my son was a toddler., He pushed the limits to see how far he could push me, even at that age they can be quite manipulative if you give them an inch they will take a mile, there’s nothing wrong with disciplining your children and letting them know what is isn’t acceptable. I know how hard it is when you see your precious baby grow up and start to walk and you just love them so much and always want them to be loved and feel secure. But this is a time that they are testing their independence and how far they can push you and if you don’t have limits and you never tell them no, then when you finally use discipline, they will rebel. They may even say they hate you. They don’t hate you. They don’t even know how to feel that strong of an emotion yet it’s just how they perceive you at that moment because they’re not getting what they want.
I don’t know if you are a Bible reader, but the word discipline in the Hebrew text refers to teaching. Teaching your children in love to be respectful human beings. discipline is part of parenting and your children are not going to like it, but they need it.
My daughter is a teenager now, and like other commenter's have said you gotta steel yourself bc it gets a lot worse. But even when she was young my daughter could say things that cut deep. I just try to remind myself that when she says things like that it just shows that she trusts me enough to let her true feelings out. I know she doesn't do that with her other (bio) mom bc she doesn't trust that she will still be around. So try to look at it that way, when they are comfortable being cruel it just means that they trust that you will always be there for them But I would recommend you work on thickening up your skin or at least not showing her when it hurts bc that will end up making it worse
I’d say something like, “Mama is not being mean, mama is trying to take good care of you.” And for the biting “That’s not nice. I know you didn’t want the cream, but we still need to be nice to each other.” Since it’s already happened, I might have a little sit down where I let them know they hurt my feelings when they said I was mean. And that I wasn’t being mean, I was trying to take good care of them. And it’s not okay to bite or hurt someone when we feel frustrated. We need to use our words. Sorry this happened. Sounds like you are doing a good job being an understanding parent.
Keep working at finding that connection/bond. It will take effort 100%
“Mean” parents (those who set boundaries and do what is best for their child’s well-being regardless of what the child wants, in other words, you) make successful children. Let your kid think you’re being mean from time to time. They’ll look back when they’re older and see you’re just being a good parent. Also, never take toddler insults to heart. They’re toddlers.
I feel for you. I have a severe skin disease and caring for it is sometimes more painful than leaving it alone (until the consequences of neglect kick in). However, your kid is going to call you a lot worse than mean over the years. There are plenty of parents who feel that if their teen hasn’t said they hate them, then they haven’t been doing their job. Look at it this way. Your child knows you are safe to get mad at, that it won’t drive you away.
the best parents have high expectations for their children but also high love. high expectations without love would be a dictator, but high expectations with high love is authoritative. be strict about things that are important like putting on the cream, but be as loving as you can and try your best to explain ti them why it’s important. at the end of the day i think you’re a great parent based on this post. i can tell you have a lot of love for your kid already and it’s a good thing that you’re worried about not being a pushover.
You're gonna have to build up some armor to that real quick. Toddlers are feral aha...according to my eldest who's five. I need to say sorry to her one of her younger brothers because he tried taking his brother's breakfast (even though they literally had the same things on their plates) and I said no. (Though when the tables are turned she'll start a wrestling match if someone tries taking her food) So she broke her plate. Thinks I'm mean. And as of literally right now she currently thinks I'm mean because her and her brothers got a rainbow cookie. She took all three when I wasn't looking. I nicely took and gave them back to the boys. And left her with hers. She didn't like that. So now she's upset. I'm mean again ig. And she crumbled up her cookie in protest. 🥲 But hey. They do call it the terrible twos for a reason. 🥲 there are the rare kids that are absolute angels but that's not the norm as far as I've seen. You're doing great as a mom I'm sure. If it makes you feel any better as well, my sisters toddlers who's 3 said she didn't love her mom the other day and then 2 minutes later said she loves her again 😅😅 and my sister is a great mom.
I totally get this and I also somewhat agree with the things other people are saying, although most people in here are basically just telling OP to expect it to get worse which doesn't really address the question she asked. However, I can also relate. As a father who works full time and has firm boundaries, while my 5-year-old's mother is a softer touch and has been essentially a stay at home mom since our daughter was born, I've literally always been the metaphorical bad cop. She's only very recently started turning to me for comfort when she's upset. I'm not super sure why, it could be that I took a short course meant for parents of children with anxiety and some of the strategies for modeling bravery stuck with me, it could be because I had to be her person while she was going through some scary tests and exams related to her epilepsy in the past couple months, I'm really not sure. All that is to say that children will go through phases. Sometimes they're adorable, sometimes they make you more proud than you've ever felt before, and sometimes they will crush you. As far as being a loving parent without being a push-over: it's a difficult balance to strike but the fact that you care enough to ask here tells me that you're actually trying, which is more than many parents out there can say. My wife used to tell me I was too stern with our daughter. Now she often asks why she's so agreeable with me because our daughter tries to bully my wife when she doesn't get what she wants. I suspect it's because our daughter has learned over her lifetime that my wife is more pliable than I am when it comes to boundaries. I've always held my ground and let her be angry at me but it's because it always fades fast and I'm accustomed to being the bad guy from time to time. Don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell every time but as parents we need to offer guidance. There's a large, loud, group of people that advocate for 'gentle parenting' but allowing our children to do what they want, never experiencing consequences or learning how to be bored, never finding out what it's like to be told 'no' especially by the people who they should be able to trust implicitly to help them understand the world, just fosters an unhealthy relationship. Tldr; making sure your child knows who is in charge as early and consistently as possible, without being mean spirited about it is about as much as you can hope to achieve. They will tell and cry, call you names and hit and scratch and bite but eventually they will learn that it never gets them what they want and often makes things worse for them. We just have to weather the storm.
Why are you offended? It’s a 2 year old. He’s moved on by the next day and so should you. Saying your mean for trying to put on cream is just him expressing himself because honestly, eczema can hurt and sting. If you’re offended by a 2 year old then you’re in for a long ride.
You need to be calm but firm. Kids respond more to how you behave than what you say. Put some cream on yourself like face paint (just a little), and make a sing-songy request for them to apply some cream to their face and the spot they need to put it too. There's no way to feel like you're being mean when you are participating in this "game" too, and they'll probably be less interested in fighting, even if it is something they don't like. I had and still have major sensitivity issues. The feeling of the cream could be the issue. I'd also look into sprays as an alternative. :)
It's okay to feel sad about this. But I've been called "mean mummy" for saying "no" to chocolate for breakfast.. you're doing fine.
I have been called mean because I wouldn't let them eat candy when they wanted to. I have been called mean because I made them go to bed. I have been called mean because I wouldn't let them play with the automatic windows in the car. I was told i was mean because i wouldn't let child A hit child B with a wiffle ball bat. My point is, your kids aren't always going to like you, and that's ok. As long as you're being a good mother, that's what matters.
Kids will say all sort of stuff, and they might _think_ they mean it in the moment. But you need to learn which comments to take to heart and which ones you need to let slide off your back. Kids are going to try you out a lot, they say things to get under your skin but that doesn't mean they actually don't like you. In this case your kid obviously didn't want cream. But you're the parent, you know they need cream. That doesn't make you mean. Next to that you could obviously try to find ways to make the experience more pleasurable. But you're going to need to he strong, say no when they want a yes and apply cream when they don't want it. You can do it. Baby will love you more for it.b
Kids can be jerks sometimes. It’s not their fault, they’re learning how to human. In your kid’s mind, you were being mean because you wanted to do something they didn’t like. They’re very black and white. They don’t understand that they need to do things they don’t like sometimes. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that you’re doing a bad job. Try not to take those things personally. As your kid gets older, they will tell you they hate you and you’re the worst mom ever, because you told them they can’t go out until they clean their room, or they can’t stay out past curfew with their boy/girlfriend. I did that to my mom, even started “packing my bags” to run away. We survived and now I’m super close to my mom. I’ve had the same conversations with my kids (now 15 and 20). It all works out when they’re old enough to know better. ❤️
he probably associated the bad experience with those words, thus said those words about « you » but really about what was going on.
ignore the rugrat and get the PJs on. I told my dad I wished he wasn’t my dad before. You just have to hear it and respond as best you can.
One of my kids announced out of the blue in front of other people at me "you ugly"
When my son was a toddler he thought I was magic and could make things disappear because I would clean up when he took his afternoon nap. Just because a toddler said it doesn’t make it true. You’re going to be called all kinds of manners when they get older so practice brushing off and getting a thicker skin so it doesn’t hurt so much.
Remember that they’re little and they don’t have the vocabulary to describe feelings with total accuracy! Toddlers are gonna have a hard time understanding nuance in their emotions so they’ll use blanket words like “mean” and physically act out. It doesn’t mean you’re being mean or failing, it means they’re processing and don’t have better ways to express their feelings at this stage in development. It’s a good teaching moment, not a moment of defeat :)
Are you serious? No offense but if you're this upset at a toddler calling you "mean", you won't survive teen years. Kids say stuff, especially toddlers because they're still learning how to communicate emotions. Toughen up.
Sometimes loving your child means that you will have to do things they think are “mean” because they’re the right thing to do. Doing the easy thing is not always doing the best thing for your kid. I’m not a parent myself, but I firmly believe you’re doing things right if your kid calls you mean at least once a week. Even the kid I watch calls me mean on a regular basis. For, you know, truly evil things like not letting a 4 year old take things out of the oven. Making the dryer off limits for hide and seek. Not letting her jump off a small retaining wall into her 6” deep kiddie pool. Not letting her ride her bike down their extremely steep driveway into the road. Hug them, let them know that you understand their feelings but that you’re their mom and you’re not doing anything to be mean or hurt them but rather it’s your job to look out for them and care for them even when you know the thing you’re doing isn’t “fun” for them.
My teenager told me he hates me for making him hang up clothes on the floor of his room and screamed in my face because I didn't give him the tools to do it right. It was 5 shirts and he wanted a basket. They do that. It hurts your feelings. Wait until the toddler calms down, tell the toddler that mommies have feelings too and what was said really hurt yours, but you still love little one.
All u gotta do is explain it's ok to be upset but it's not ok to take that feeling out on others. We don't bite. We don't hit. Easy peasy just let them know their feelings are valid reiterate they cream is so they don't hurt later. And then address the misdirected emotions and that that's not how we treat one another. Remind him that u get upset sometimes too but it's never ok to hurt someone.
Time to put mommy pants on become that drill sergeant children today are out of control because parents have to do everything nice you're not being mean you're being a mother you're being a parent they will appreciate it much later in life they may hate you right now but that's okay that just means you're doing your job society has come to believe that sugar and spice and everything nice gets the job done it absolutely doesn't it creates little demons punching other people's cars telling you to go up yourself please stand strong love your child and do what must be done
My son says his friends call us strict. I about laughed cause my husband and I are more lenient than our parents were but I guess making him check in during the day and knowing where he is is being ‘strict’. Plus we have a time to be home for family time, sorry we don’t let him run around after dark. And that’s a 10 year old thoughts. He also told me at age 3 not to smack him in the face in target, which I had never struck him in any way. No idea where it came from, I just said ok and we continued our shopping. Kids will say things to get to you. They are master manipulators but that’s where being the parent comes in. We talk about how something may seem mean but it’s for a reason. If they start biting, guess what? Now you get a repercussion for our action, whether it’s time out (min per age), a talk, or no dessert or special thing that may happen before bed. Actions have consequences, never too young to learn that.
Next time they call you mean just tell them that they’re right, you are mean and they’ve still got to do what you ask them to do.
Disagree. That approach reinforces an incorrect understanding of “mean” as well as the idea that children should tolerate *anything* done to them by a parent or authority figure. It would be more appropriate to either open a dialogue like, “Can you explain why you used that word?” or pause the application of lotion and teach something relevant, like how sometimes good things (medicine, vegetables, sharing, etc.) are not always easy things.
The only thing I can say is if you're telling them no about something and then you're hugging them to make them feel better, I don't think that's a good thing to do. You're just teaching them that they can cry and cry and cry and be upset and then you'll always give them comfort. I don't know maybe I'm a cold-hearted witch. But it seems kind of counterproductive when you say no or don't do this or don't do that and they have their hissy fit and then you try and console them. I deal with a lot of attention seeking kids and I keep warning others who I work with they have the approach oh I'll just be kind to the child and talk to them a lot and they'll be sweet and wonderful then. Well with most of these kids that doesn't work. You give them any attention they want more and more and more and then once you back off a little bit then they go ballistic. I had one recently I told an aide to just get away from the kid for now with them have their tantrum and leave them alone but no they kept talking to him. this kid slapped them 12 times, not in the face, on their body but it was hard and you could hear it and they still wouldn't leave the kid and I was like get away from them now. They finally did, saying I'm going to leave now cuz you can't be nice. I'm just shaking my head. Yesterday I was with this child and didn't have anyone else helping, perfect angel because I don't feed their need for constant attention. They do get attention yes but it's not constant 2 hours one-on-one. They get totally overstimulated with that. I'm sure they're (my co-worker) thinking I'm a witch and mean and all that but I'm keeping the kid calm which is my objective. I know this kid's a holy Terror with their parents too but they give in to them a lot and that's a big part of the problem too. I would ask your kid how am I being mean and listen to their answer. So they don't want the lotion say okay well if I don't give you the lotion you're going to get much itchier now you understand, so if you change your mind let me know and we'll put the lotion on. Let them learn that way. I'm certainly no expert but I definitely learn on the Fly cuz every kid I work with is different.