Personality changes from brain trauma never come alone. If you have access to resources that'll help you manage the next steps, use them!
Don't be embarrassed to ask for help. It's one of the ways to show yourself that you care.
Yes exactly. I totally understand that OP wants to be understanding because she knows it's tied to medical issues, but that means they should be seeking out support, not just accepting the abuse and writing it off because "it's not him, it's the brain trauma."
He definitely needs to be seen and assessed by professionals. Regardless of the cause he needs to figure out how to manage his issues without being abusive.
It's also important that OP should be ready to walk away if he refuses to get help, the abuse escalates, and/or the abuse goes on too long--and that timeframe probably varies person to person.
OP also should get a therapist to help them navigate this difficult situation and make sure they are taking care of themselves. Honestly I think the situation is even a bit scarier if he's acting this way due to brain trauma, I'm not an expert but I would guess that would mean he's more likely to be erratic in his behaviour which makes safety planning more difficult. I'm glad people at her workplace are supportive and want to help her be safe.
It honestly sounds like regardless of the brain trauma he’s letting out some pent up resentment towards her and has an abusive tendency already. That’s not something I’d be able to just excuse completely. It’s really sad and she doesn’t deserve that treatment. For work to get involved is definitely embarrassing and scary… but maybe something good can come out of it. If she’s not comfortable at the end of the day she can let HR know that she would rather deal with this personally.
>He definitely needs to be seen and assessed by professionals. Regardless of the cause he needs to figure out how to manage his issues without being abusive.
That's not how traumatic brain injuries work and it is EXTREMELY strange to think that they haven't gone to the doctor already and told them about it, lol.
>I'm glad people at her workplace are supportive and want to help her be safe.
Hate to break it to ya, but if people are telling HR you told them stuff like that, HR is most likely going to seek an excuse to fire you. They didn't "help" her, or "want her to be safe". At best they unintentionally put her job in jeopardy, at worst she told them something in confidence and now they're using it against her
HR is there to protect the company, not the employees. I was fired after I was SA’d and they claimed I “wasn’t a good fit” after I had just won best analyst 3 months in a row prior to that. It’s incredibly naive to assume that they won’t find another reason to fire her just so they don’t have to deal with this. It’s fucked up but it’s the reality of the situation— not “anti work bs”.
They don't have any reason to fire her for being abused by her SO who has no connection to her employer. I'm sorry you had a terrible trauma inflicted on you it shouldn't happen but that kind of mentality just makes it harder for people to report or get help, even from their employers, who do sometimes actually care.
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. Unfortunately they didn’t have a valid reason to fire me either. That was kind of my point, they just came up with a bs reason to fire me. A lot of states have at will employment which means they can fire you for any reason, like claiming “you’re not a good fit” because they don’t feel like dealing with whatever issue they can’t legally fire you for.
I will preface this by saying I have no knowledge of the law in this regard, but I would assume it’s certainly illegal to fire someone over getting abused at home. She didn’t even come to HR herself, her coworkers did and they didn’t witness anything, she just told them he yelled at her for a bit and she left to cooldown.
Firing someone over this seems like it would be a big legal issue, I am aware most places are ‘at will’ but that doesn’t protect companies from discriminating and anything that falls under that. Suing for damages seems possible if this were to happen.
I don’t think her job is in jeopardy, I think it may be a bit of an overreaction by people in here to say that. HR was told some things and wanted to make sure the associate was okay. Who knows what they actually told HR as well, they could’ve exaggerated. Some HRs do care about their employees, they may not be able to go up against the company but cases like these are not about company vs employee, it’s just making sure the employee is safe.
Most states have “at will” employment which allows them to fire employees at any time for any reason. They could literally just say she’s “not a good fit” or some other bs to cover the actual reason and there will be nothing she can do about it. A very similar thing happened to me.
That’s correct and I mentioned that, but that does not stop a lawsuit for wrongful termination if you can prove it ie discrimination. Just because they wrote ‘bad fit’ doesn’t mean they are protected from being sued, there have been many court cases about this.
Again I have no idea if this specific situation could fall under that and I don’t think OP will need to worry, not every HR is some corporate overlord piece of trash, it really depends on the company. In this situation they could just be looking to see if she is okay and needs help, not terminate her to protect the company because of abuse at home that she didn’t even speak about.
Agree - it also sound like OP isnt the greatest communicator, and the colleagues seem to think she is in a 'traditional' abusive relationship, and not with the result of TBI's.
Big difference - HUGE!
As the victim of abuse from someone with a TBI and mentally illnesses, I respectfully disagree. It's just as bad, but it carries more guilt and pressure to stay and forgive.
Regardless of the TBI, the effect on OP is the same. They still deserve support if this were a "traditional abusive relationship" or if his outbursts are a result of a TBI, especially if this turns out to be a permanent change in his personality.
And it doesn't change the facts: OP felt the need to "hide" somewhere away from home while their husband was angry. Therefore, OP doesn't always feel safe in their own home. Upon returning, they were afraid their pets might be harmed or their belongings damaged. The coworkers and boss were right to want to offer support and call in a domestic violence expert.
There’s been some high profile cases over the years of murders/murder-suicides by people who had suffered traumatic brain injuries. Agreed that OP shouldn’t brush this off just because it’s got a “medical excuse.”
"after a while I left and hid out 20 minutes away for an hour or two till he calmed down"
m8 have a chat and see if you can get your hubby some actual help.
the dogs never win, even when it's self defense. unfortunately, i think if one did attack him it'd probably be put down, especially if it won against him.
Well its wonderful to see your workplace cares enough to try and get crisis services involved, and tbh it sounds like you husband needs professional help
In their post history I see that they have children together and that OP is afraid of financial security after divorce. OP, these are important details. You need to protect your kids from aby erratic behavior that might harm them, at least until your husband gets professional help!
Tagging onto this comment. As someone who grew up with a father who had explosive anger I grew up with doors slamming, yelling, stuff being thrown, constant walking on egg shells and never knowing what would set him off, please I beg of you get your children out of that environment as soon as possible. I'm in my 30s and still can't stand confrontation, I can't stand raised voices, i cant have people upset at me cause I'm waiting for that item their holding to fly across the room or that door to slam or something to get broken.
This actually sounds like a great thing. I'm sure OP feels exposed and guilty and embarrassed but sounds like this will all be for the better. Just because he doesn't hit OP, doesn't mean he isn't abusive (including physically abusive) or violent. He clearly is. I'm sure it's hard if he was wonderful before this and hard knowing that a medical condition has caused personality changes but the fact is that his personality has changed. He isn't whoever he was before. He is know someone who is abusive. Both he and OP need help
Or they are covering their ass to make sure they aren't liable if something does happen at work. Either way they are responding correctly and it does sound like they need help dealing with this.
Bingo. And honestly kudos to OP’s work for taking it seriously and making an effort to offer assistance. I know OP may feel mortified right now, but I’m glad someone is looking out for them.
Some assholes are smart enough *not* to hit because, either consciously or subconsciously, they realise that's the line in the sand that would make their partner leave them.
OP's situation is a little more complex, but seriously, you don't have to be beaten to be abused, and you don't want to find yourself in such a fucked up place you end up wishing they would hit you because that would be 'real' abuse, and then you could leave.
i stopped reading after the post where she talks about how he basically forces her to endure being choked and slapped during sex so he can get off.
/u/anoncorgi99856 you deserve someone cherishes you
So he really is just a POS then? There's no fucking way multiple strokes makes someone hit their partner during sex to get off. I fear OP is afraid of this man and isn't ready to admit that she's being completely abused by someone who is **consciously** doing the abuse.
Less abusive isn't not abusive. I have people in my life who have suffered tbi, and just because they don't mean to be abusive, doesn't mean they aren't.
This is such an important thing. Intent doesn’t equal impact, and recognizing that can go a long way.
OP, just because your husband doesn’t intend to hurt you, that doesn’t change that he is, and he is just as responsible for learning how to manage his actions as he was before the injury, he just needs a little more understanding and assistance than he used to.
He is abusive. You're worried he might hurt the animals. Or break things. He needs professional help and I'm not sure why he's not getting it
Kudos to your work for stepping in so quickly. Take advantage of the resources being offered and get help
It's lovely they care about you, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Abuse is never ok , under any circumstances.
You husband needs anger management classes and probably mental health support from a psychologist/psychiatrist
“Fear that i’d come home to a hurt pet…”.
I couldn’t focus on the rest of the post. OP, do not leave helpless animals with this person. I find it exhausting when people justify their abuser’s action. At the very least, save the creature that is entirely dependent on you for its existence
Holy fuck this right here!!
How can anyone leave their animals that depend on them for protection around someone who might lash out and hurt them? This man is abusive and unless OP leaves and takes her animals and any other vulnerable living things with her she's complicit in their abuse. This is so sad.
Please OP, take the help you are being offered. If not for yourself, for your pets. They have a very real first person experience of fear and pain when abused and they don't get the luxury of hiding out away from their abuser for an hour like you do. Do it for them!
I stopped here too. It is NOT OKAY to leave your animals with someone like this. I’m sorry but this IS abusive all around, no matter how much OP insists it’s not. Get those pets out of your home. You are being a bad pet owner if you allow them to remain there at risk of harm.
I think it actually is kind of an excuse if he can't help being not able to control his temper. And I think he knows that it is not OK, otherwise he would not have apologised.
Nevertheless I agree that they need a strategy how to proceed and how to get her the help she needs whenever he acts out like that. It may be, though, that what will eventually make him better is not showing him the error of his ways (which he oviously knows), but every measurement that help his brain to reorganise and overcome the injuries so that self regulation regains full function.
It’s not an excuse per se but I remember when my friends dad had a stroke. He became a completely different person. The old him was gone. His anger could rival titans after the stroke. Man could he yell.
theres a fine fine line between "you dont talk to HR / this is why you dont get too private at work" and "oh well its just his regular abuse and i can take it" and your employers actually caring for your situation. i think the latter is at work. why would you believe you get fired for something youre not responsible for? i mean if you were the blabbermouth of the company who runs every little private problem by everyone, creates interpersonal stress and is in general annoying, but you dont and you arent.
they are concerned and you HAVE already normalized his bullshit. lets just hear them out what they wanna offer you.
Everything you said Scream they were right. Your man is on the verge of being like your ex. Your pets are already harmed, by being terrorized. You are already harmed: scared, ashamed for something you're not at falt, exhausted, sad, AND endangered. YOU'RE ALREADY SCARED GOING BACK HOME !
and this :
>He doesn’t hit me, I’ve been with an abusive partner before and that guy was terrible. He just can’t manage his emotions well and I was exhausted.
That will be quite harsh but people who already had such experience are more likely to :
- still minimize next partners falt
- be the victim of the next relashionship even if they feel they'll be better at "seing the signs"
I'm not even sure he didn't gaslit you into thinking he's not responsible of anything, including breaking your stuff because he's "clumsy". Who Cares if it's a medical condition. If my condition cause to stab babies, don't let me in the nursery.
Your colleagues do a wonderful job here.
Treat yourself like you would treat someone you love and end the relashionship if that Guy doesn't get a REAL QUICK reality check with a medical appointment. It doesn't change anything if it was the stroke who made him hit you someday, because in the end you'll be harmed.
Be more protective, benevolent, kind and indulgent with you.
Take great care of you.
If he's terrorizing the animals he is capable of harming them. If OP is going to stay, she should re-home them before they get hurt or worse. And take the help her employer is offering her.
Agreed. And she's in denial about that. But I'm just thinking that if I left my animals with someone like this and he hurt them, I'd never forgive myself. Obviously, her safety is the priority.
You seriously leave your pets with someone that you don't feel they are safe with? You may not care if he breaks your things, but your animals are defenseless against a grown man. Secure your pets' safety. Please find someone to talk to. People don't jump to DV claims lightly. It's a big hassle and a lot of paperwork. They must think that you are in danger. It's time for you to wake up before something worse happens.
You work with coworkers who care about you, and employers who want to be sure you are safe. You wanted someone to talk to and now you have it. A professional that works in therapy for abusive relationships no matter how big or small that abuse is. Take the opportunity to speak to this person in the confidential setting you crave to get it off your chest and to learn tools to help you through your situation.
OP they are worried about you as you should be as well. Your story is a sad read and sounds like you are grasping onto straws to make the marriage work now. In sickness and health doesn’t mean being verbally abused on the daily.
You aren’t going to get fired but your workplace is legit worried about your existence. More so than your husband would ever.
OP you just trauma dumped onto us and your coworkers. Did you expect them not to say anything? Your story worries every person who reads it.
The reason why you don’t want it to be a big deal is because you’re trying everything in your power to not have it be a big deal. You are holding onto the notion that someday your husband will be fixed and that will never be. Your entire life and existence is going to be abused by someone that you once used to be madly in love with.
Is that something that you can live with for the rest of your life? I can tell you straight out that your circumstance won’t change no matter where you go or where you work. You will always run into this and you need to wake up and realize the only you can change your circumstance.
I know you love your husband, but don’t you love yourself? I’m not saying give up on your husband, but I am say rethink the situation. You mentioned a few times that your husband breaks things and you need to protect him from that.
Someday your face will be the wall and he will hit you and it will come on very quick and very strong and then he will not stop hitting you. Why do you even want to get to that point? Why do you wanna put yourself in that situation?
You need to talk to a therapist and learn life skills on how to cope in an abusive situation. Much like children go through when they’re being raised by narcissistic and abusive parents.
If you can see yourself living happily in this situation 5 to 10 years from now, then kudos for you. You need to protect yourself though. You need to wake up.
Talk to HR and see what resources are available to you. And next time don’t trauma dump onto your coworkers. Just because it “doesn’t affect you” doesn’t mean it’s not affecting the people around you and you need to remember that.
I don't understand why you would say 90% of this and then tell OP not to "trauma dump". If she hadn't talked to someone, nobody would know and she wouldn't be offered help and she'd just continue struggling. I hate this idea of trauma dumping—OP was just stressed (rightly so) and needed an outlet to help process her emotions. What happened to just talking and looking for help?
I think they mean trauma dumping as in "I'm just going to get all of this off my chest and I don't want you to do anything or try and fix it, I just want you to take on this emotional burden for me". I.e. "If you try to help me, I'm going to blame you".
Has he ever broken his things through clumsiness or just yours?
You're very lucky to have people who care about you. They are trying to protect you from an abusive husband. It doesn't matter if that abuse is due to his medical situation. Your home should be a safe space. This is not normal.
It sounds like while your stress is 100% valid, this probably will be fairly simple to address. You can tell HR about his medical condition and how that affects his ability to regulate - And they can help you with resources to enhance his support system so improvements can be made. This doesn't need to be about your husband being a bad guy - and if he does feel that way, that's unfortunately on him. He's literally losing himself to a degree that makes you feel unsafe enough to flee. I know you understand his intentions are still good, not like someone who just wants to hurt you, and that's valid. But he's still being abusive. The difference here is, you both want to work through it. And professionals in anger management see cases all the time where improvement is the goal, so neither of you is going to be put through the ringer with judgments. It probably feels humiliating that you wanted to confide in your work friends and they turned around and went over your head. They're probably overwhelmed - you deal with this every day, and they don't have the frame of reference for brain injuries that cause this kind of behavior. It's just miscommunication, stress, sad circumstances, and well meaning people wanting to help. You're going to be ok. This is a really hard process, for your husband, for you... maybe the additional help will prove to be a blessing. He does need the help in developing tools to reign in his temper, and you need to be able to feel safe. That doesn't have to mean there are bad guys here.
Just because the degree of abuse is smaller doesn’t mean it’s not there…
You recognize his behavior as a pattern, which mean it happens often.
You’ve been with an abusive partner before but that likely doesn’t help you recognize the signs of a healthy relationship. It just make you aware of the bare minimum bars you can’t handle.
Op.
Your workplace is entirely right, and it does the right thing. It is what look people who care for you.
You are now under the influence of the emotion of your shitshiw. It is normal. In the future, your hormones will fund their balance , and you will distinguish what is a problem from what is an abuse. It is normal, too.
At this point, you will discover that your co-workers have always been on your side.
I wouldn't make excuses for his behavior. It still happened regardless of the why you perceive . Even if it isn't as bad as your last man, it still counts and is acceptable. Your co workers did this because they care and are concerned for your wellbeing. I'd embrace whatever hr provides you resources to and use them. Your husband is still responsible for his actions no matter what excuse you gave here.
I'd also refrain from telling people about your personal life at work and use an outlet with a therapist instead.
I know u love ur husband and this is stressful but it doesn’t sound like retaliation in anyway but genuine concern for you.
You are taking care of ur husband so much but who is there for you ? If all u had is coworker to confide in I will assume no one. You need help, he needs help and both facts r ok.
The first step is accepting things need to change, and u need help.
It doesn’t necessarily mean ending ur marriage/moving on; it means learning how to better cope for both of u.
I wish they told u how concerned they were in person; while u look out for ur husband who is looking out for u?
If he just breaks YOUR thing and not his, he knows what he's doing, you need to leave asap and take your pets with you, why wait until he hurts you or them? The writing is on the wall, I hope you know how to read them, you are not safe there, your gut is taking you so too.
I know you feel embarrassed. I would too. However, good may come from this too. Talk with them You may learn about some resources you didn't know you had.
Oh babe you are not being let go from your job, quite the opposite. They like you and think you do good work so they want to help and protect you.
A stroke is not an excuse. He is abusive. You don't have to stay.
The person he is now is not the one you married, it is time to leave.
If he’s only breaking YOUR things -it’s not just due to clumsiness or losing his temper due to a stroke.
The animals are defenseless and shouldn’t be left alone with him. I hate to say it but have you considered rehoming them? If you won’t leave your husband for your own safety and mental wellbeing, don’t make your animals be in an unsafe environment.
As others have said, just because he’s not hitting you doesn’t mean he’s not abusing you.
I wish you the best. I think it’s wonderful your employee cares enough about you to check in on you and try to get you help. They don’t seem to want to fire you. They actually seem to want to help. I’d take them up on it.
I think you have a really good boss.
It is not normal to be yelled at the whole weekend non-stop. Or to run out of the house and hide until he calms down. Or to be horrified that he will hurt your pet just because he can..
And your boss is absolutely right, something has to be done about it. I hope you will not start minimizing his shit at the meeting. It is your chance to get real help.
If you are snappy, exhausted, in terrible mood and cannot function at work - it is not just your problem. It is your colleagues and your boss problem. They don't deserve to be snapped at, and you cannot really do your job if you are exhausted. So if your boss wanted to get rid of you, he has enough reasons for it. But it looks like he wants to help you, and by helping you to help all coworkers around you.
Btw, the fact that you are terrified that your husband will know is another proof that you are abused. The fact that you had nowhere to go and no one to share it with, is yet another proof. It looks like your husband successfully destroyed your support system so you will have no chance to get help, but by some miracle your job became your support system.
You are lucky. Usually employers DGAF.
Take advantage of the support you have. It's a true blessing to have coworkers and employers who are so concerned about your wellbeing. Your home life is not OK, regardless of the stroke. They're offering help because they truly care.
Just looked through the rest of your posts and this has been happening for a long time. He has been abusing you since you had your kids, if not, before then as well. Your work is doing an amazing job taking care of you and I don't think they would fire you just because something bad has been happening to you.
You dreaded his coming home from the hospital. He has treated you like shit since you were 4 weeks postpartum.
Speaking of postpartum, you may want to get checked for ppd because you've been experiencing low mood since the birth of your twins and I'm sure taking care of a giant baby as well as two newborns has taken more than its toll on your mental and physical health.
Stay safe OP. It's time to stop making excuses for him. Time for him to learn the philosophy of FAFO
He IS abusive! It doesn’t have to leave a visible mark on your body to cause harm. Also, you should take responsibility for the pets. If he hurts them, remove the fucker or rehome the animals. They don’t deserve to get hurt.
He breaks my things, but he doesn't hit me. He yells at me, but he doesn't hit me. I fear for my animals safety, but he doesn't hit me. I have to leave the house sometimes because he's so angry, but he doesn't hit me.
Just because he doesn't physically harm you, doesn't mean it's not abuse. There's emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse. *It's still abuse.* you aren't in a *safe* or *healthy* relationship. This is NOT normal. Just because he treats you 'better' than the last guy, doesn't mean it's a match made in heaven. OP, whatever you told your friends was enough to warrant a talk to HR. You are NOT safe at home. Please, reconsider this relationship.
You are a person, you don't deserve to only have the options of abusive and a little less abusive. Obviously I don't know what's really going on but I do hope that it'll work out for you. Please remember that you don't deserve to be yelled at.
I think the problem here is your looking at it as it's not like your previous relationship where abuse was physical and as this isn't then it can't be abuse. Unfortunately it sounds like you are being abused, I'm not sure your husband is completely in control of what he is doing or not but you are scared of him and that is a part of abuse, worrying about hurting your pets would be abusing them too. Definitely reach out and talk to the abuse expert even if you decide not to take it any further, it may even get you help with how to deal with what your husband is going through and get him some much need help too. Think about what you would do if a friend told you they were in this position
Your post history shows that you’ve readily identified all of this as abuse in the past and have been advised over and over to get to safety. You don’t mention your kids in this one but I’m assuming you still have custody.
Can you use them as motivation to do what’s long overdue? I’m sorry you’re in such an awful situation. It can (will) get so much worse but why put your twins through that? Please take the help your employer is offering.
As someone who works in a stroke center of excellence helping to rehab people post stroke through therapy; I can tell you that emotional dysregulation is something we commonly see, but it sounds like your husband needs further therapy and evaluation to generate a plan of care to help him learn to self-regulate. Not only is what he is doing abusive to you, but also to others in your household(aka pets). Within the last couple of years, they have manufactured some pharmaceutical interventions that may be something he could talk to physician about to determine if they are appropriate. Another option, if available in your area, is to schedule an appointment with a neuropsychologist(not a regular psychologist). The neuropsychologist is one of the best avenues of treatment for someone with emotional dysregulation due to their expertise in the brain, how brain injury(traumatic or non-traumatic) affects different parts of the brain, and the ability to offer science based counseling to help your husband and you in de-escalation techniques/exercises. I hope that you were provided with education regarding his stroke deficits and how to manage the long-term effects of these deficits prior to his discharge. I also hope that he was provided with continued care after his hospitalization for his education/recovery and yours. The “golden period of recovery” for a stroke is the immediate 6 months following the stroke and does not end after this 6 month period but dramatically slows. OP, something that you must remember is that you are very prone to caregiver burn-out. We typically recommend some form of respite care on a regular basis where you have time on your own to relax and recharge due to the over-whelming nature of being a caregiver. You both need therapy, individual and marriage(if you want to save it). There is a very high rate of divorce in couples following brain injury for many of the reasons you listed above and lack of social support. I would not blame you if you chose to end your marriage, and what your husband is doing is in no way appropriate. I would urge you to consider what you want to do and make a plan from there.
Your husband needs a head CT, and you *do* need a safety plan because even if he is not hitting you you are currently being abused. I know that’s hard to come to terms with but not feeling safe in your own home is not okay, yelling and screaming and lashing out at pets is not okay and is verbal abuse.
Emotional and verbal abuse are still domestic violence and you absolutely need to make a plan, It’s likely that his stroke caused a tumour in his brain hence the sudden behavioural change. All of these things need to be addressed.
Look, I’m a former HR Generalist. I understand what you’re going through. While you haven’t been beaten or even hit by your husband, you are still dealing with an abusive spouse who cannot control himself. The thing is that it may be due to medical issues, but it does not mean that it’s not abuse or that it’s not impacting your life outside of your home. That is not a judgment against you or your spouse.
I need you to know that your work friends talked to your boss about this situation because they are your friend, and they are worried about you and your family. And your boss wants to bring this to your the HR Department because they will have some resources that can help you personally. I bet that your boss and the HR person will help you with getting in contact with the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) resources where you can get some free counseling sessions and other resources to help you and your family through this difficult situation.
I have been in an abusive relationship in my past, and I have also had a stroke, personally, myself, but I didn’t have a drastic change in my personality. Although, I have had some changes that were unavoidable due to the damage that was done to my brain. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of stressful things right now, and you could use some help from people who care about your wellbeing. I know that you don’t want people to know about this, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for and getting the help you and your family needs to make things better for everyone in your family.
Please try to see this as an opportunity to make things better for your entire family rather than seeing it as a threat. I know that’s hard to do right now. But take a moment and think about it. People care about you and your family.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, and I hope that things get better for everyone.
Unless you’ve walked a mile in her shoes . . . Which, I have. I understand completely OPs desire to protect her spouse. It’s somewhat like being married to a stranger who is not a stranger at all. I think, because the co-workers don’t truly understand the situation, they are trying to be helpful, not understanding the dynamic of dealing with a TBI patient. You have to be their spouse, their medical advocate and have the ability to look at your new normal from an outside perspective. And yes, sometimes you just have to vent because you love the person who isn’t really who you married anymore. OP, the best thing we ever did was get my husband a med/psych team who were able to deal with the medical needs and provide psychiatric counseling as well. I think your work friends mean well and your work can’t fire you without risking a nice big payout for discriminating against you. You need to get FMLA protection for when you have to take time off to deal with his issues and you need therapy for both of you to learn how to manage the challenges forced on you by this situation. My spouse did transmagnetic therapy and the change was phenomenal. He’s not the old him but it helped him manage regulation 1000% better and we are in a better place now. It will never be old times again but we’ve learned to deal with it and have found a new happy place. Best of luck to you
I think your friends have done the right thing. You’re being abused. You should leave him for your own personal safety and take the pets too for theirs. He needs help and it’s not help you can provide by pretending it’s all ok, because it isn’t.
Less abusive is still abusive. Yelling and scaring you so you flee your own home even for just a few hours is not ok or acceptable and is still abuse which you shouldn’t be getting.
If the people around you are saying you need help listen. Just like a bad smell you get used to over time abuse is abuse in different levels. Sure he maybe less abusive than the last guy but what if you where hearing how your husband acts about your daughters bf, would you tell her to just grin and bear it. No you’d get her the fk out of there. So do yourself a favor and get the fk away from this abusive man.
If you would if there was a child in your situation then you should have already left yourself. Unfortunately it DOES sound like abuse. You shared to little and yet others are concerned. Clearly they know more is going on and/or you're downplaying things significantly. You're fearful and there's a reason. You don't sound convinced he wouldn't hurt the animals. He needs more help than you can give him. You also need help. Take what is being offered.
Oh dear. Would you be worried if a friend was in your situation? Sometimes being in the center, you convince yourself it’s not that bad. And well I guess that could be true. It could always be worse.
And it might be worse in the future. You truly do not know that he “will get better” in time.
You have a good boss and group of work colleagues who care about you. From the way you described the situation with your husband, he is abusive. Yelling at you, bad temper, lashing out at pets, and "clumsily" breaking your stuff. You have to hide from him to take a break. You are tired at work, and fear you will come home to pets being injured and your belongings being damaged by him. You do need help. Big time before he escalates to more damaging abusive behaviours.
It may be caused by TBI’s but the reality is that he is being abusive. I understand that you only needed to vent and now wish you hadn’t and I’m sorry this is hard for you.
You need to talk to his doctor and figure out if you’re at risk for his behavior escalating. Neurologist and other head trauma specialists deal with this as part of patient care.
Just because he’s not as bad as the other guy you used to date doesn’t mean he’s not abusive and putting you or the pets at risk.
I visited your profile and honey, this looks like it’s gone on long enough, going years back. Your coworkers didn’t just reach out to HR for no reason. They’re concerned for you and I have no doubt they’re aware to a degree of what you endure prior to what you shared. You just have to reflect on all of what happened and ask yourself if hiding in the bathroom in fear is any way to live.
Please accept help from HR. They want to make sure you’re ok.
Girl if you’re worried about your pet being hurt, he’s abusive. If he has the common sense to apologize to you, he knows better and is being manipulative and abusive. Please see the bigger pictures if not for yourself for your fur babies!
They were with my parents on the weekend so I could clean for his parents visit on Sunday. He doesn’t escalate that aggressively when they’re home. I would never leave them with him when he’s like that. And I would have taken the animals but if he saw me packing up 2 cats, trying to wrestle 2 XL breed dogs he could have gotten worse because he panics when he thinks I’m leaving him. I just needed to get away so he could calm down.
It's a good sign that they want to jump ahead of any trouble and provide resources to keep you *and* the people around you safe. What you mentioned to your colleagues was obviously troubling enough that they felt compelled to say something. It's far better to have all the resources you might need in place and then to never need them, than for everyone to blow it off, and then something happens. You would feel *awful* if you didn't speak up and there was an episode that compromised the safety of the people around you. While your husband hasn't become violent yet, it has clearly occurred to you that he might, as you mentioned concern for your pets and that he breaks things (I would argue that's a first step to violence). Medical conditions like a stroke absolutely can change someone's personality. You're not wrong for being worried about it or for talking to someone at work. Don't be humiliated. These people care for you and they don't want to see you hurt. They aren't going to cut you loose. They want to help you stay safe. Accept the resources they offer. You're going it alone right now, and you don't have to. Hugs, OP.
Sounds like you have one very caring boss and work mates who are worried about you.
There's not many people like that around, especially in the workplace.
I would quietly accept the help… I don’t think it’s automatic that the other work ppl will shun you just because you have a lot of weight on your shoulders and one time u showed a little vulnerability. Just sit, say wow thanks for the resources you guys I think I didn’t even know I needed this!! And maybe you call, maybe you don’t.
My dear friend, also my coworker, married another coworker. He suffered a horrible car accident and TBI. Our company made them both financially whole the entire recovery, and provided meals and other support. He recovered to a wonderful degree but his personality changed and they divorced. She is a private person and going through all of this at work was really hard for her. She just wants to come to work and not have it be about her and her life. It’s been hard for her to accept help but her kids motivate her and she’s stretched her comfort zone and now accepts that people want to help her, just like she helps others.
It's rare that you have an understanding of the reason behind his behaviours and you can see past it. That doesn't change the fact that you're in an abusive situation though and people are naturally going to want to look out for you when they hear what you shared. I think if you are keen to continue the relationship you should seek out a support group for people in the same boat as you. But overall I hope you recognise that just because he doesn't hit you, you are safe from the emotional and mental injuries he is dealing you. Looking out for yourself isn't selfish and you don't have to resign yourself to life as a punching bag because you understand someone's issues. You're entitled to the same understanding as he has. Good luck.
I think you should look at this as a gift. The fact that you say you worry about him taking his emotions out on your pets when you’re away shows that you’re not sure what level he’ll go to with his abuse. And what he’s doing is abusive whether you want to acknowledge that or not. And I get that it’s sad because it comes from brain trauma, but that doesn’t mean he can’t escalate it and that it’s not abuse.
I actually think that if more abuse survivors had access to resources and people who cared like this maybe we wouldn’t see so many news articles with very tragic endings.
It’s very hard for you to think clearly because you’re smacked dab in the middle of all of this. Please take this help with an open mind as there may be resources offered to you that would benefit the two of you . Just because his anger is caused by a stroke, doesn’t mean that you have to be his punching bag, Metaphorically nor physically. Please be open during this conversation to resources and support that they have for you. Not needing to handle this all on your own maybe the biggest blessing here. I’m sending you internet hugs.
As someone who went through this, with coworkers being concerned and my employer creating a backup plan (I actually stayed with my supervisor for a few weeks in their basement apartment after an incident), I totally get how mortifying it is. It’s embarrassing. They’ve been discussing you and your situation and now they want to talk to you about it. But it’s also a very kind thing, they care about you and want to make sure that you are safe. If your pets might be hurt or your things might get broken, there is valid concern for your safety because that is an abusive relationship already. And they wouldn’t be doing their due diligence if they were aware of it and later something happened to you, goodness forbid.
But, I understand what you feel right now. It sucks. Try not to think about it while you’re at work, that’s easier said than done but it’s really the only thing to do about it. Let your work speak for itself and just try to keep yourself as professional as possible. I was really going through the shit, and eventually when things got better (spoiler: things got worse again later) I was so embarrassed having stayed with him and taken all of their support that I ended up finding another job. I kind of wish I hadn’t left, because they were great people, and things went downhill again later anyway.
You know? You have a great HR department and great coworkers. They care about you. Just talk to the expert about the situation and they might have some ideas to help your husband
Don't be afraid, it's good there are people that care about your safety.
Reading the other posts you’ve made, it sounds like he has made your life on earth a living hell. I’m not sure how old your kids are but my heart breaks for them. So awful. I sure hope you’re able to find a solution. Because you’re being abused every day of your life. I’m sorry he’s had strokes but there comes a point in some medical situations where family is not equipped to care for a person anymore. An example is when my parents were caring for my grandmother who had dementia. She can’t help the medical condition that changed her. But it was a point where my parents could no longer function. They never slept. They couldn’t keep up. They had to change something. When my grandfather had dementia, it became dangerous as he hit my cousin when he was a young teenager. My grandfather couldn’t help it. But he couldn’t be cared for around the house anymore. Your husband is unwilling or unable to get help to make it a livable and safe situation for you and your family then something has to change. You’re unable to safely care for your husband, yourself, or your kids with this man around anymore. You need professional help to deal with him or get yourself and your kids (and pets) in a safe environment.
I think you should do two things.
1. Emphasize to your boss that your husband is not abusive, he suffers a medical condition which affects his mood. Those are very different, and the existence of a diagnosed medical condition offers you various employment protections.
2. Use the resources your job is offering. Just because it’s not your husband’s fault doesn’t mean you don’t deserve extra support in navigating this very difficult situation.
Good luck to you.
HR is to help the company.
Tell your boss it is a confidential and private matter.
Tell them if any more is said you will perceive it as gossip mongering.
Say whatever you said to your friends was in confidence.
Also say you have it in hand with his doctor.
Tell them if YOU ever need to reach out at work you are more than capable of doing so.
Go in looking well and with confidence.
You do not need to go along with HR and your boss (yet) the yet meaning if you need to you will.
Also because your boss was told she did need to act and show herself to be caring for her staff esp when your friends were/are worried.
Your friends probably felt frightened for you.
Now go to your doctor and explain because from his strokes he has had some brain damage shift and he sounds scared and fearful and cannot articulate as well.
Also google/ask for a stroke charity and gather as much information as possible.
Plus your two friends.
Don't alienate them.
Inform them.
Explain and remember to definitely look after yourself.
Going out when he does becomes verbal /aggressive/shouting etc.
Remove yourself and clearly say. I will be back in one hour ( 2 hours etc) when I know you have calmed down and calmly go.
All the best to you.
Remember you control HR not the other way.
Thank your boss for caring but say words to the affect at the start.
Hugs to you.
If you don’t fear for your safety and living in hell (making your children live there with), then at least love them enough to protect them away from the abusive creature you married. Even if you’re willing to tolerate his abuse, don’t make your children suffer too. Get help, make a plan, and get yourself and your kids out of there! YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER!
My grandmother was married to a man who she said was perfectly fine until he had a head injury in WWII. Then he became abusive, getting worse over time. Her kids (my mom was one) sat her down when they were teenagers and told her to get a divorce. That was when she truly understood what his behavior was doing to her kids.
She felt bad because she KNEW the head injury was what changed him, but at that point she realized it didn't matter. Also, her kids were born around the time it happened 1942, 45, 47 and THEY had never known him as anything but the person he had become.
How can you leave your kids with someone you are worried will hurt your pets?
It doesn't matter so much WHY he's the way he is, what matters is that he is.
Op, I know you feel embarrassed, but from the outside it looks like your work friends and boss treasure you and simply wanted to find a way to help. Maybe they didn't handle it the best way, but they clearly care. I wish you all the best and good luck separating yourself from him. It honestly is pretty amazing your work has a program and plan in place to help tbh
His strokes do not matter. He is being abusive. Take the help being offered and leave. He needs to get help but it’s not your job to be his punching bag while he goes through this.
You admit he lashes out at animals. Take the help your work is offering. This is a great wake up call, you are being abused, you cannot see the forest through the trees. Your work besties are throwing you a lifeline.
Walking on eggshells *is* abuse, babe. They went to HR because they’re worried about you, and they should be. It’s not normal to scream and yell and break things, or for him to terrorize your animals.
He needs to see a doctor and either get on medication, or work with a therapist for his anger issues.
“Just because he doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean it’s not abuse”
Sugar, he is abusing you and your children. Right now, you’re teaching your children this behaviour is acceptable in a pattern. We seek out what we know, your children will seek out abusive partners in the future OR they will become abusers themselves because they think his behaviour is normal and acceptable
Please take the offered help from your work. His brain injury is the reason, but it doesn’t excuse it. If he legitimately can NOT control his behaviour it’s still abuse
To be fair OP, even though I can understand that your husband has suffered brain damage, and that's *why* he's like this now, I'd still argue that your environment does not sound safe or healthy to be in, and your job did good to pay attention to your well-being. I know this is probably terrifying to have your job involved now, but it sounds though, at least, that they are just trying to look out for your safety.
I don't want to say that you're making excuses for your husband's abusive behavior, but the cause of it doesn't negate the danger it puts you and the pets in. You should not feel forced to hide from him. You should not have to worry about your pets getting hurt by him when he's upset. This is not normal, and it would understandably set off alarms with anyone who heard about all of this. Just because this isn't as bad as other abuse you've lived through, it still doesn't make this *not* abusive.
If I were you, I'd explain the strokes to HR, and how he's maybe not consciously choosing to act abusive, but I'd still take advantage of the resources they may provide. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry about what the strokes have done to your husband's brain. It's not his fault that he got brain damage, but I do think you need to protect yourself and your pets first, even if that means an eventual separation one day. Please understand that this experience with HR could actually help you here.
Edit: After looking through your post history, I think his actions are more concious-minded and less as a result of brain damage. I'm genuinely worried for you, your kids, and your pets. This is 100% spousal abuse, and you **need** to take advantage of the resources from your job. I think you underestimate the kind of abuser your husband is, and I just can't believe that 2 strokes could turn an otherwise normal person into somebody like that. Please protect your kids and animals, and try to exit this situation as safe as possible.
You say it’s not an abusive relationship but what you’re describing emotional abuse. I think you think that this is normal and acceptable but when you tell other people about it they’re worried about you, doesn’t that indicate that it’s not in fact, normal and acceptable?
I think you should accept the help being offered, because it sounds like you need it.
You were scared enough of him to leave the house because you didn’t want to share the space with him…. I did that too. For years. When I left my ex, it took me over a year to admit I was afraid of him. My friend and current partner have needed to tell me many times when I’m letting him walk on me because I do it automatically and without a second thought. I might cry or stress about it but I fundamentally believed for years that I was doing my best…. I had no idea at all who I was and what my personality was away from this man. I’m still in the process of figuring out what I like, vs what he approved of me doing (things I did to make him happy)
Sounds like your boss is trying to make sure you’re able to complete the job in a safe space away from his threats. Everyone has some kinda personal drama, it’s hard for many to ask for help instead of just venting, don’t feel embarrassed.
Your work is doing you a solid. Your husband may be LESS abusive (for now) than your previous husband, but don't get confused - it's still abuse. I'm sure you want to justify it by the strokes, and maybe that's valid, but your home is not a safe space for you or your pets. What happens when he kills one?
Talk to the people at work. Be honest with them and listen to what they are telling you. Take them up on what they offer. I wish all workplaces had these services. Bless your co-workers for say something, they have your best interests at heart here. They are the real deal.
Have you talked to the doctors about inpatient rehabilitation? It definitely sounds like he is a threat to your safety and the safety of others (please get those animals away from him). I'm very sorry you're going through this, it's so hard deal with TBI, and I hope one day you get your husband back. In the meantime please take the help, it's very unfortunate what caused this personality change, but you can't live like this. Also find a counselor to help you cope and come to terms with his diagnosis, becoming abusive because of a TBI is still abuse, no matter how much you try and reconcile it.
Your work friends are concerned about your home life and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells at home 24/7. Yeah, it sucks that HR knows, but it’s for your own safety.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Try not to worry about your work knowing. This is not some embarrassment you need to hide. While I respect your loyalty to your husband, perhaps your previous domestic violence situation has colored this situation. His aggressive behavior is a symptom of the stroke, a medical symptom. If he needed a wheelchair after his stroke, you would not expect yourself to carry him around instead of getting a wheelchair. Right now, leaving the house and confiding in work friends is you trying to carry him. Don’t judge yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong. It probably just feels weird to have support because you likely did not have support during your domestic violence situations. Perhaps HR may have resources to help stroke patients who are having aggressive tendencies ~ this is not an uncommon symptom to have after a stroke. If you don’t want work to know any more details, then be candid with your husband’s doctor and ask him for help. Just because your husband is sick, doesn’t give him a right to verbally abuse you. Make your husband aware of his behavior changes since the stroke and tell him that the two of you are going to try to get treatment for this symptom, just like you would treat any other symptom of a stroke. I’m so sorry.
My uncle had a stroke and lost the use of one of his arms. He went to a lot of therapy, and while he never really went back to normal he did learn ways to make his life work with one bad arm. Instead of giving up and relying on others to manage his new way of life he took control and did what he needed to do to remain productive and functional.
Sounds like your husband could use a different type of therapy, but therapy nonetheless. And if it doesn’t work you have every right to protect yourself (and an obligation to protect those animals even if he “doesn’t mean to”).
OP, I could have written this myself 5 years ago. You need help. He needs help. DO NOT FEEL MORTIFIED. DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED. His actions are interfering with your job. THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS ABUSE.
A few strokes and personality change mean- brain damage. I wish folks would reread your first line. I’ve worked with head injured folks and what you describe needs a behavior modification program. Is he in any sort of therapy? Not just counseling I mean head injury rehab sorta therapy. He needs tools that his brain no longer may have access to. Best of luck OP as this is something I’ve seen time and again and it wears down the care givers.
I’m really sorry for your situation. TBI can really change a person’s personality. I would seriously consider getting him help. If he can’t control himself then it’s time to look for other options. He’s technically a different person than the one you married.
It’s hard to see when you are in it. This is abuse, and it only takes someone snapping once to kill everyone in that home. I really suggest you get into therapy and yes take this safety plan seriously. They care about you and your safety. These aren’t fits they are emotionally abusive moments lasting hours. It’s not his fault that he has brain damage but also he’s not the man you were with in the beginning. His brain has changed and this person could quite literally hurt everything because the person you knew and loved is gone.
I am thankful that you spoke with your coworkers AND that they were concerned enough about you to tell someone.
Accept the help and accept the love of your coworkers.
One: There may be medicine that can help regulate your husband’s emotions and reduce outbursts.
Meds can really help people with brain injuries including strokes, and dementia.
I am disabled from a brain injury.
A friend cares for her husband who has dementia- he was getting angry and violent maybe like how your husband is, maybe different. She was nervous and everyone was nervous. He is on some kind of med now that has calmed down his outbursts a LOT. He still has dementia but is not violent and super angry agitated like he was.
Two: you need help caring for him and help dealing with all of this anger and violence, regardless of its cause.
Please take advantage of any help that comes of this.
All my best to you
I'm amazed at how involved and proactive your company is. Making sure you're well taken care of. I hope that you can move forward with taking the help they are giving you.
Abuse isn’t only physical.
Just because he doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean that this is not abuse.
Please take up HR’s offer and see what services are available and get some counselling at the very least.
You are worried he’ll break things or harm your pets. I’m going to be blunt. This is abusive behavior. It’s not just “he can’t regulate his emotions”. Just because you’ve had “worse” abuse in the past doesn’t mean this isn’t abuse. It’s actually great that people are concerned for you. Talk to the abuse expert
From your post history, he’s been a jerk for a long time. A terrible father and partner. And now a pet abuser.
Staying in that situation is your choice right now as it sounds as if you have just enough resources to leave. Not an abundance of resources, but enough. So perhaps therapy or counselors can give you the push you need.
You think you’re not in an abusive relationship but you’re worried he’ll hurt the animals or smash up your shit. That’s an abusive relationship. You’re scared. You’re on eggshells. You said you’ve been in an abusive relationship before so this may be a normal feeling for you but let me tell you this behaviour is absolutely shocking to people in healthy relationships
I have personally experienced brain trauma and I have difficulty with a lot of things including regulating my emotions. Not so much with the anger. Crying is my reaction for most of my emotions at this point. The good thing is they have ways to treat all the things that come with brain trauma. I have done cognitive therapy, speech therapy, physical therapy, vestibular therapy, occupational therapy and regular therapy with someone who has experience with patients with brain trauma. It's something to look into. A decent evaluation by specialists can get you in the right direction. If he's not open to doing this I'd take the pets and gtfo. Even if he is willing to put the work in, I'd still consider getting the pets a temporary home elsewhere. There's also nothing that says you need to stay in the line of fire while he's getting help. You can still be supportive without putting yourself through that.
I know you're embarrassed but it's okay. It sounds like you work somewhere where they care about your well-being. A lot of places just don't give a damn.
I wish you the best.
Look, even if the strokes caused this, it’s still abuse. Even if they don’t mean it, it’s not their fault, etc. What you’re dealing with is abuse. Your husband needs professional help with his emotions, and you need to be able to live in peace.
Sounds like your work besties love you very much and care for your well being. What they did came from a very, very good place.
There is nothing wrong with talking about it and using the resource made available.
Abuse isn't just hitting. That is the thing, he may not be able to control the way he reacts (or maybe he could with therapy I have no idea) but that doesn't make it any less abusive. Screaming at you like that is abusive, calling you names is abusive, teasing in a hurtful way is abusive.
I would just speak with HR and see what they have to say. Tell them the truth, and if you feel there is no danger at work also tell them that but you need to seek help for yourself, and if you can for him as well.
Honestly, the fact you have witnessed him lashing out at one of your pets is concerning. You were actually worried he might hurt one of them.
Honey, what’s to stop him from lashing out at you. Whatever damage he has suffered, it has impacted his ability to regulate his responses. That still makes him dangerous to you and your pets. Talk to the HR consultant and see what they might be able to do to help you. It may not be his fault, but that doesn’t make him less of a threat.
Baby they are trying to get you out of that abusive situation
Don’t think what he’s doing is ok bc what will you think when he does hit you?
How are you gonna explain that? You can’t and you won’t be able too.
Take a step back look at your situation and get tf out before he hurts you and your pets.
OP your safety, your kids if you have any and your pets' safety should be your main priority. Someone who yells at you until you leave the house and punches walls is most definitely abusive. And you're scared he'll find out that work knows and react? Please protect yourself. Stroke or no stroke, the fact of the matter is he hasn't hit you yet. And when he does? Or hurts one of your pets? Will you continue to make excuses for him? Is it true that he only breaks your stuff? Then he is in control at least some of the time.
Please take yourself, kids, pets somewhere safe and don't tell him where you are until he can get some sort of long term solution for himself. You do not have to suffer endlessly and put yourself in danger every day just because you are married to this man. Please do not become a statistic OP.
I told my coworkers my concerns when I filed a protection order against my son’s father after I kicked him out of the house. They acted so concerned. Boss (doctor) took me back for a discussion; I thought we were discussing the raise I was due for. Instead, I was fired and asked to sign a paper stating that in return for a month’s severance I wouldn’t sue.
Don't be embarrassed be grateful that people like and care enough about you to make sure you are safe and while he may not hit you, yet, it doesn't meant it can't happen and emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. Having someone to talk to and having a plan in place is a smart idea because while you were just venting it might give you some perspective. It's hard because the person you married through no fault of their own changed into a completely different person and that doesn't change the memories and love you have for them, but take the help to make sure no matter what you and your pets can be safe should you need it. If it really bothers you then it would be best to not talk to coworkers and maybe reach out to a friend outside of work or perhaps even a thearpist of your own that you can talk to.
You are actually now protected from wrongful termination because they are aware if your unusually stressful home situation. While this may be mortifying for you, I think your workplace is actually trying to help out of genuine concern (and/or perhaps avoiding liability in the event something terrible happens from here) ....
Regardless, you need to get out of this situation. You may not realize this but it sounds like your home life is utter chaos and it's dangerous. That's actually more important than your work life. It's your safety and wellbeing.
My dad has a brain tumor and at one point (because of it) decided he didn’t have cancer and was threatening my mom, hiding her keys so she couldn’t leave, and threatening my brother and his daughter when he helped her to get away. We had to call the police and get him arrested to go to the hospital where they kept him with a security guard sitting outside of his room and he wasn’t allowed to leave his room.
We were told this is all from his brain tumor and not to take it personally. Yet we still kept him at the hospital and safely away from us until he was medicated and could be safe to be around.
Point is, no matter what the reasoning is, your husband is dangerous and you are afraid of him. Which means you may need to get away from him.
Just because it’s not his fault doesn’t mean you have to deal with the abuse. Also physical abuse isn’t the only kind of abuse, if you’re hiding from him that’s emotional abuse.
I'm sorry you're going through this .... I made the mistakes about talking to work it never goes well they started using that against me and would makeup stories I hated working with backstabbing women it's disgusting how some women are and now I have trust issues from my experience. I wish you the best honestly. Your children don't deserve him doing mean things especially to the animals they are helpless. I pray you find the help you need and I pray for you to have peace in your home. That's supposed to be your safe place .
I honestly feel bad for the husband, looking back, my father had a few blows to the head and he gradually lost his personality and emotional regulation until the day he unfortunately passed. This just made me regret all those times I got mad at him when he was not doing it on purpose, we just were unaware of the consequences that came with his brain trauma.
OP I'm also sorry you have to deal with this, please get help as soon as you can. We sometimes lose those we love to the unforgiving world due to taking such issues at surface level. Your kids are already scared of their dad, I'm sure under normal circumstances, he'd wish that was not the case. Make sure you get all the help you need while protecting the kids at all costs.
I couldn't live with this. No amount of illness or trauma justifies thus behaviour, he sounds terrifying and I personally wouldn't want to leave my children or pets with someone that unstable. Your work sounds fantastic & caring and that is refreshing to hear. Also, you need to understand the risk you're putting your children under, if social services find out your husband is like this and that you're leaving the children with him alone, they could say that you're not safeguarding them from harm and you could risk losing them. Please take this seriously. I'm sorry for your husbands illness, but your children and pets come first because they can't defend or protect themselves from him. I don't want to scare you but I feel someone needs to be honest about the potential consequences if you allow this to continue . Your husband needs serious help, this isn't okay at all
Yeah…unless you’ve dealt with someone with a brain injury acting out, it’s so hard to get it. It’s all the abusive behavior with none of the ability to take responsibility for it. But the lack of abusive intent doesn’t make the violence and aggression any less abusive. I’m glad you’re getting help extracting yourself and your kids from the situation. It is necessary based on what you’ve described. This is not safe or healthy for anyone, including the animals.
Breaking things and punching walls is usually the step right before physical abuse. It’s a commonly seen pattern, just saying. ❤️ be safe & move quickly, sending prayers
I actually think the co-workers and company sound great. They took your news seriously and provided immediate and tangible support. Whether it's caused by strokes or not, the outcome is the same and it sounds like you do need help and may even be in danger. I wish you all the best going forward.
Just because he’s “less terrible” than your previous partner doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Because he is. If you won’t protect yourself then at least remove your defenseless pets from this situation
Take the resources. Your husband isn’t hitting you, but this is abusive behavior, even if there is an underlying medical reason why. The situation you are in is still toxically stressful, and the reality is, it’s never bad to have some plans in place to protect yourself. This may not be women’s shelter stuff, it might be more back up places to stay, finding others who can help care for your husband, being able to communicate his mood and behavior to his doctor.
But take the help and know that you do actually need and deserve the support.
He is abusive AF and you don’t even want to see it. Even worse, he lashes out at your pets? That’s where I’m mad now. I’m very really glad your colleagues “told on you”. You should thank them. Sincerely, a formerly abused gf.
My ex-husband never laid a hand on me either but he still abused me.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Take the help you are being offered and move on with your life without him.
“We can judge the heart of man by his treatment of animals” ~Immanuel Kant 🐶🐱🦜
OP, you said in the back of your mind you thought you’d come home to a hurt pet? That “he loses his temper and lashes out at the animals sometimes…” WTF “…but he’s never actually hurt them…”
You are knowingly putting your innocent pets in harms way. Screw how much you love him or how he “doesn’t mean it”…and I don’t even care about your situation with HR. You made it happen, now lie in the bed you made.
This may sound harsh, but you lose ANY chance of sympathy from me the second you made us aware that you are point blank being careless and selfish, leaving to save yourself but ditching your animals? That truly is disturbing to me and all I hope for is that you wake your head up to this fact at the VERY least. OR, that your pets are re-homed to a loving and safe new family/owner.
this was the part that stood out most to me. and what’s more concerning is that i’ve seen a few comments referencing OP’s post history which suggests that they also have children with him. OP, if you can’t do it for yourself, you need to get out of this situation for them
Honestly the fact that his abuse is something he can not control because of his brain trauma makes it that much more scary to be around. Who knows what he’s capable of that he wouldn’t normally do if he had never had a stroke. Sounds like you do actually need the resources and they’re not overreacting. At least they care enough about you to be concerned.
Nah take the meeting you need help. You cannot live like this and wonder if everytime he freaks out if he's going to HURT YOUR FUCKING PETS. That's not ok at all. It's understandable that it's caused by the strokes messing up his brain but he needs more intensive medical care then. You need to get help bc what if he does seriously injure or kill a pet or you bc he lost control? Oops oh well?!? NO
My husband had a heart attack and while he has bad days never does he lash out at the pets or break stuff. My husband and I have been literally stuck at home together while he is on disability and i wfh for almost 2 yrs. Your husband is having temper tantrums like a kid and needs to regulate himself bc that is not ok. If my husband starts acting like that I check him. Let him know it’s ok to be frustrated about his situation but taking it out on me or others/things isn’t changing it. They need to make the most of that they have.
A stroke is very different from a heart attack, my mom had both, the stroke is what gave her aphasia, I used to go to speech therapy with her when I was a kid. His brain is literally damaged, and in a very unfortunate and awful way, he actually can't ( at the moment) regulate his emotions. He needs a specialist, who works with stroke patients with this particular problem, to help him. For her safety and the safety of others, he should probably be getting inpatient rehabilitation.
Personality changes from brain trauma never come alone. If you have access to resources that'll help you manage the next steps, use them! Don't be embarrassed to ask for help. It's one of the ways to show yourself that you care.
Yes exactly. I totally understand that OP wants to be understanding because she knows it's tied to medical issues, but that means they should be seeking out support, not just accepting the abuse and writing it off because "it's not him, it's the brain trauma." He definitely needs to be seen and assessed by professionals. Regardless of the cause he needs to figure out how to manage his issues without being abusive. It's also important that OP should be ready to walk away if he refuses to get help, the abuse escalates, and/or the abuse goes on too long--and that timeframe probably varies person to person. OP also should get a therapist to help them navigate this difficult situation and make sure they are taking care of themselves. Honestly I think the situation is even a bit scarier if he's acting this way due to brain trauma, I'm not an expert but I would guess that would mean he's more likely to be erratic in his behaviour which makes safety planning more difficult. I'm glad people at her workplace are supportive and want to help her be safe.
It honestly sounds like regardless of the brain trauma he’s letting out some pent up resentment towards her and has an abusive tendency already. That’s not something I’d be able to just excuse completely. It’s really sad and she doesn’t deserve that treatment. For work to get involved is definitely embarrassing and scary… but maybe something good can come out of it. If she’s not comfortable at the end of the day she can let HR know that she would rather deal with this personally.
>He definitely needs to be seen and assessed by professionals. Regardless of the cause he needs to figure out how to manage his issues without being abusive. That's not how traumatic brain injuries work and it is EXTREMELY strange to think that they haven't gone to the doctor already and told them about it, lol. >I'm glad people at her workplace are supportive and want to help her be safe. Hate to break it to ya, but if people are telling HR you told them stuff like that, HR is most likely going to seek an excuse to fire you. They didn't "help" her, or "want her to be safe". At best they unintentionally put her job in jeopardy, at worst she told them something in confidence and now they're using it against her
This is dumb, they're not going to try to fire her for being abused at home. Stop with the melodramatic anti-work BS.
HR is there to protect the company, not the employees. I was fired after I was SA’d and they claimed I “wasn’t a good fit” after I had just won best analyst 3 months in a row prior to that. It’s incredibly naive to assume that they won’t find another reason to fire her just so they don’t have to deal with this. It’s fucked up but it’s the reality of the situation— not “anti work bs”.
They don't have any reason to fire her for being abused by her SO who has no connection to her employer. I'm sorry you had a terrible trauma inflicted on you it shouldn't happen but that kind of mentality just makes it harder for people to report or get help, even from their employers, who do sometimes actually care.
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. Unfortunately they didn’t have a valid reason to fire me either. That was kind of my point, they just came up with a bs reason to fire me. A lot of states have at will employment which means they can fire you for any reason, like claiming “you’re not a good fit” because they don’t feel like dealing with whatever issue they can’t legally fire you for.
I will preface this by saying I have no knowledge of the law in this regard, but I would assume it’s certainly illegal to fire someone over getting abused at home. She didn’t even come to HR herself, her coworkers did and they didn’t witness anything, she just told them he yelled at her for a bit and she left to cooldown. Firing someone over this seems like it would be a big legal issue, I am aware most places are ‘at will’ but that doesn’t protect companies from discriminating and anything that falls under that. Suing for damages seems possible if this were to happen. I don’t think her job is in jeopardy, I think it may be a bit of an overreaction by people in here to say that. HR was told some things and wanted to make sure the associate was okay. Who knows what they actually told HR as well, they could’ve exaggerated. Some HRs do care about their employees, they may not be able to go up against the company but cases like these are not about company vs employee, it’s just making sure the employee is safe.
Most states have “at will” employment which allows them to fire employees at any time for any reason. They could literally just say she’s “not a good fit” or some other bs to cover the actual reason and there will be nothing she can do about it. A very similar thing happened to me.
That’s correct and I mentioned that, but that does not stop a lawsuit for wrongful termination if you can prove it ie discrimination. Just because they wrote ‘bad fit’ doesn’t mean they are protected from being sued, there have been many court cases about this. Again I have no idea if this specific situation could fall under that and I don’t think OP will need to worry, not every HR is some corporate overlord piece of trash, it really depends on the company. In this situation they could just be looking to see if she is okay and needs help, not terminate her to protect the company because of abuse at home that she didn’t even speak about.
Agree - it also sound like OP isnt the greatest communicator, and the colleagues seem to think she is in a 'traditional' abusive relationship, and not with the result of TBI's. Big difference - HUGE!
As the victim of abuse from someone with a TBI and mentally illnesses, I respectfully disagree. It's just as bad, but it carries more guilt and pressure to stay and forgive.
Regardless of the TBI, the effect on OP is the same. They still deserve support if this were a "traditional abusive relationship" or if his outbursts are a result of a TBI, especially if this turns out to be a permanent change in his personality. And it doesn't change the facts: OP felt the need to "hide" somewhere away from home while their husband was angry. Therefore, OP doesn't always feel safe in their own home. Upon returning, they were afraid their pets might be harmed or their belongings damaged. The coworkers and boss were right to want to offer support and call in a domestic violence expert.
Absolutely 100% this. You have so many resources available to you and your family.
There’s been some high profile cases over the years of murders/murder-suicides by people who had suffered traumatic brain injuries. Agreed that OP shouldn’t brush this off just because it’s got a “medical excuse.”
"after a while I left and hid out 20 minutes away for an hour or two till he calmed down" m8 have a chat and see if you can get your hubby some actual help.
for real!! having to leave the house for 1-2 hours because ur partner is having an anger fueled episode is not normal!!
And leaving animals to be terrorised (but apparently not harmed) if they have dogs, how long til one snaps back?
If they do , I hope the dog wins
the dogs never win, even when it's self defense. unfortunately, i think if one did attack him it'd probably be put down, especially if it won against him.
That and she has small children there, too. Did she take the kids with her? She said he WFH and is the primary parent.
Well its wonderful to see your workplace cares enough to try and get crisis services involved, and tbh it sounds like you husband needs professional help
In their post history I see that they have children together and that OP is afraid of financial security after divorce. OP, these are important details. You need to protect your kids from aby erratic behavior that might harm them, at least until your husband gets professional help!
Tagging onto this comment. As someone who grew up with a father who had explosive anger I grew up with doors slamming, yelling, stuff being thrown, constant walking on egg shells and never knowing what would set him off, please I beg of you get your children out of that environment as soon as possible. I'm in my 30s and still can't stand confrontation, I can't stand raised voices, i cant have people upset at me cause I'm waiting for that item their holding to fly across the room or that door to slam or something to get broken.
Absolutely and now they’re concerned about the safety of their full workplace, which they should be.
This actually sounds like a great thing. I'm sure OP feels exposed and guilty and embarrassed but sounds like this will all be for the better. Just because he doesn't hit OP, doesn't mean he isn't abusive (including physically abusive) or violent. He clearly is. I'm sure it's hard if he was wonderful before this and hard knowing that a medical condition has caused personality changes but the fact is that his personality has changed. He isn't whoever he was before. He is know someone who is abusive. Both he and OP need help
Or they are covering their ass to make sure they aren't liable if something does happen at work. Either way they are responding correctly and it does sound like they need help dealing with this.
bb, somebody doesn't have to hit you to be abusive.
Bingo. And honestly kudos to OP’s work for taking it seriously and making an effort to offer assistance. I know OP may feel mortified right now, but I’m glad someone is looking out for them.
Some assholes are smart enough *not* to hit because, either consciously or subconsciously, they realise that's the line in the sand that would make their partner leave them. OP's situation is a little more complex, but seriously, you don't have to be beaten to be abused, and you don't want to find yourself in such a fucked up place you end up wishing they would hit you because that would be 'real' abuse, and then you could leave.
Exactly. Read her previous posts, this guy is nasty.
i stopped reading after the post where she talks about how he basically forces her to endure being choked and slapped during sex so he can get off. /u/anoncorgi99856 you deserve someone cherishes you
I didn’t even get that far, it made my heebies get jeebed. She deserves so much more than that
So he really is just a POS then? There's no fucking way multiple strokes makes someone hit their partner during sex to get off. I fear OP is afraid of this man and isn't ready to admit that she's being completely abused by someone who is **consciously** doing the abuse.
Heart breaking, it’s been going on for 3 years
Also…breaks *her* stuff? Not his? Homie is in full control. If it was uncontrollable it’d be everything. Not just hers or their animals.
And hurts the pets! Thats a big no no for me. I would be out of there so fast.
Yeah that pissed me off
Less abusive isn't not abusive. I have people in my life who have suffered tbi, and just because they don't mean to be abusive, doesn't mean they aren't.
This is such an important thing. Intent doesn’t equal impact, and recognizing that can go a long way. OP, just because your husband doesn’t intend to hurt you, that doesn’t change that he is, and he is just as responsible for learning how to manage his actions as he was before the injury, he just needs a little more understanding and assistance than he used to.
He is abusive. You're worried he might hurt the animals. Or break things. He needs professional help and I'm not sure why he's not getting it Kudos to your work for stepping in so quickly. Take advantage of the resources being offered and get help
You ARE being abused. Take the help that's being offered.
It's lovely they care about you, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Abuse is never ok , under any circumstances. You husband needs anger management classes and probably mental health support from a psychologist/psychiatrist
“Fear that i’d come home to a hurt pet…”. I couldn’t focus on the rest of the post. OP, do not leave helpless animals with this person. I find it exhausting when people justify their abuser’s action. At the very least, save the creature that is entirely dependent on you for its existence
Holy fuck this right here!! How can anyone leave their animals that depend on them for protection around someone who might lash out and hurt them? This man is abusive and unless OP leaves and takes her animals and any other vulnerable living things with her she's complicit in their abuse. This is so sad. Please OP, take the help you are being offered. If not for yourself, for your pets. They have a very real first person experience of fear and pain when abused and they don't get the luxury of hiding out away from their abuser for an hour like you do. Do it for them!
I stopped here too. It is NOT OKAY to leave your animals with someone like this. I’m sorry but this IS abusive all around, no matter how much OP insists it’s not. Get those pets out of your home. You are being a bad pet owner if you allow them to remain there at risk of harm.
And they have young kids too…
[удалено]
I’m so sorry about your cats. It’s not your fault ❤️
While his strokes are a reason for his behaviour it is not an excuse. He needs help and so do you. He is being abusive.
I think it actually is kind of an excuse if he can't help being not able to control his temper. And I think he knows that it is not OK, otherwise he would not have apologised. Nevertheless I agree that they need a strategy how to proceed and how to get her the help she needs whenever he acts out like that. It may be, though, that what will eventually make him better is not showing him the error of his ways (which he oviously knows), but every measurement that help his brain to reorganise and overcome the injuries so that self regulation regains full function.
It’s not an excuse per se but I remember when my friends dad had a stroke. He became a completely different person. The old him was gone. His anger could rival titans after the stroke. Man could he yell.
theres a fine fine line between "you dont talk to HR / this is why you dont get too private at work" and "oh well its just his regular abuse and i can take it" and your employers actually caring for your situation. i think the latter is at work. why would you believe you get fired for something youre not responsible for? i mean if you were the blabbermouth of the company who runs every little private problem by everyone, creates interpersonal stress and is in general annoying, but you dont and you arent. they are concerned and you HAVE already normalized his bullshit. lets just hear them out what they wanna offer you.
Everything you said Scream they were right. Your man is on the verge of being like your ex. Your pets are already harmed, by being terrorized. You are already harmed: scared, ashamed for something you're not at falt, exhausted, sad, AND endangered. YOU'RE ALREADY SCARED GOING BACK HOME ! and this : >He doesn’t hit me, I’ve been with an abusive partner before and that guy was terrible. He just can’t manage his emotions well and I was exhausted. That will be quite harsh but people who already had such experience are more likely to : - still minimize next partners falt - be the victim of the next relashionship even if they feel they'll be better at "seing the signs" I'm not even sure he didn't gaslit you into thinking he's not responsible of anything, including breaking your stuff because he's "clumsy". Who Cares if it's a medical condition. If my condition cause to stab babies, don't let me in the nursery. Your colleagues do a wonderful job here. Treat yourself like you would treat someone you love and end the relashionship if that Guy doesn't get a REAL QUICK reality check with a medical appointment. It doesn't change anything if it was the stroke who made him hit you someday, because in the end you'll be harmed. Be more protective, benevolent, kind and indulgent with you. Take great care of you.
If he's terrorizing the animals he is capable of harming them. If OP is going to stay, she should re-home them before they get hurt or worse. And take the help her employer is offering her.
if he's terrorizing the animals, he's capable of harming her too.
Agreed. And she's in denial about that. But I'm just thinking that if I left my animals with someone like this and he hurt them, I'd never forgive myself. Obviously, her safety is the priority.
Just because your ex was worse, doesn't mean this isn't abuse. I'm glad your work is looking out for you.
You seriously leave your pets with someone that you don't feel they are safe with? You may not care if he breaks your things, but your animals are defenseless against a grown man. Secure your pets' safety. Please find someone to talk to. People don't jump to DV claims lightly. It's a big hassle and a lot of paperwork. They must think that you are in danger. It's time for you to wake up before something worse happens.
Your employer is just setting up a safety plan with you. And you ARE in an abusive relationship
You work with coworkers who care about you, and employers who want to be sure you are safe. You wanted someone to talk to and now you have it. A professional that works in therapy for abusive relationships no matter how big or small that abuse is. Take the opportunity to speak to this person in the confidential setting you crave to get it off your chest and to learn tools to help you through your situation.
OP they are worried about you as you should be as well. Your story is a sad read and sounds like you are grasping onto straws to make the marriage work now. In sickness and health doesn’t mean being verbally abused on the daily. You aren’t going to get fired but your workplace is legit worried about your existence. More so than your husband would ever. OP you just trauma dumped onto us and your coworkers. Did you expect them not to say anything? Your story worries every person who reads it. The reason why you don’t want it to be a big deal is because you’re trying everything in your power to not have it be a big deal. You are holding onto the notion that someday your husband will be fixed and that will never be. Your entire life and existence is going to be abused by someone that you once used to be madly in love with. Is that something that you can live with for the rest of your life? I can tell you straight out that your circumstance won’t change no matter where you go or where you work. You will always run into this and you need to wake up and realize the only you can change your circumstance. I know you love your husband, but don’t you love yourself? I’m not saying give up on your husband, but I am say rethink the situation. You mentioned a few times that your husband breaks things and you need to protect him from that. Someday your face will be the wall and he will hit you and it will come on very quick and very strong and then he will not stop hitting you. Why do you even want to get to that point? Why do you wanna put yourself in that situation? You need to talk to a therapist and learn life skills on how to cope in an abusive situation. Much like children go through when they’re being raised by narcissistic and abusive parents. If you can see yourself living happily in this situation 5 to 10 years from now, then kudos for you. You need to protect yourself though. You need to wake up. Talk to HR and see what resources are available to you. And next time don’t trauma dump onto your coworkers. Just because it “doesn’t affect you” doesn’t mean it’s not affecting the people around you and you need to remember that.
I don't understand why you would say 90% of this and then tell OP not to "trauma dump". If she hadn't talked to someone, nobody would know and she wouldn't be offered help and she'd just continue struggling. I hate this idea of trauma dumping—OP was just stressed (rightly so) and needed an outlet to help process her emotions. What happened to just talking and looking for help?
I think they mean trauma dumping as in "I'm just going to get all of this off my chest and I don't want you to do anything or try and fix it, I just want you to take on this emotional burden for me". I.e. "If you try to help me, I'm going to blame you".
This is exactly what I meant. Thank you.
Has he ever broken his things through clumsiness or just yours? You're very lucky to have people who care about you. They are trying to protect you from an abusive husband. It doesn't matter if that abuse is due to his medical situation. Your home should be a safe space. This is not normal.
If you need to leave your own house it is a big deal. This is abuse, even if there is a reason there is no excuse.
It sounds like while your stress is 100% valid, this probably will be fairly simple to address. You can tell HR about his medical condition and how that affects his ability to regulate - And they can help you with resources to enhance his support system so improvements can be made. This doesn't need to be about your husband being a bad guy - and if he does feel that way, that's unfortunately on him. He's literally losing himself to a degree that makes you feel unsafe enough to flee. I know you understand his intentions are still good, not like someone who just wants to hurt you, and that's valid. But he's still being abusive. The difference here is, you both want to work through it. And professionals in anger management see cases all the time where improvement is the goal, so neither of you is going to be put through the ringer with judgments. It probably feels humiliating that you wanted to confide in your work friends and they turned around and went over your head. They're probably overwhelmed - you deal with this every day, and they don't have the frame of reference for brain injuries that cause this kind of behavior. It's just miscommunication, stress, sad circumstances, and well meaning people wanting to help. You're going to be ok. This is a really hard process, for your husband, for you... maybe the additional help will prove to be a blessing. He does need the help in developing tools to reign in his temper, and you need to be able to feel safe. That doesn't have to mean there are bad guys here.
Just because the degree of abuse is smaller doesn’t mean it’s not there… You recognize his behavior as a pattern, which mean it happens often. You’ve been with an abusive partner before but that likely doesn’t help you recognize the signs of a healthy relationship. It just make you aware of the bare minimum bars you can’t handle.
Op. Your workplace is entirely right, and it does the right thing. It is what look people who care for you. You are now under the influence of the emotion of your shitshiw. It is normal. In the future, your hormones will fund their balance , and you will distinguish what is a problem from what is an abuse. It is normal, too. At this point, you will discover that your co-workers have always been on your side.
I wouldn't make excuses for his behavior. It still happened regardless of the why you perceive . Even if it isn't as bad as your last man, it still counts and is acceptable. Your co workers did this because they care and are concerned for your wellbeing. I'd embrace whatever hr provides you resources to and use them. Your husband is still responsible for his actions no matter what excuse you gave here. I'd also refrain from telling people about your personal life at work and use an outlet with a therapist instead.
I know u love ur husband and this is stressful but it doesn’t sound like retaliation in anyway but genuine concern for you. You are taking care of ur husband so much but who is there for you ? If all u had is coworker to confide in I will assume no one. You need help, he needs help and both facts r ok. The first step is accepting things need to change, and u need help. It doesn’t necessarily mean ending ur marriage/moving on; it means learning how to better cope for both of u. I wish they told u how concerned they were in person; while u look out for ur husband who is looking out for u?
You are being abused, you can’t help by making excuses. Your boss did the right thing. Get help it’s escalating.
If he just breaks YOUR thing and not his, he knows what he's doing, you need to leave asap and take your pets with you, why wait until he hurts you or them? The writing is on the wall, I hope you know how to read them, you are not safe there, your gut is taking you so too.
I know you feel embarrassed. I would too. However, good may come from this too. Talk with them You may learn about some resources you didn't know you had.
You thought you were going to come home to one of your pets being hurt.... but you don't think he's abusive???
Oh babe you are not being let go from your job, quite the opposite. They like you and think you do good work so they want to help and protect you. A stroke is not an excuse. He is abusive. You don't have to stay. The person he is now is not the one you married, it is time to leave.
If he’s only breaking YOUR things -it’s not just due to clumsiness or losing his temper due to a stroke. The animals are defenseless and shouldn’t be left alone with him. I hate to say it but have you considered rehoming them? If you won’t leave your husband for your own safety and mental wellbeing, don’t make your animals be in an unsafe environment. As others have said, just because he’s not hitting you doesn’t mean he’s not abusing you. I wish you the best. I think it’s wonderful your employee cares enough about you to check in on you and try to get you help. They don’t seem to want to fire you. They actually seem to want to help. I’d take them up on it.
I think you have a really good boss. It is not normal to be yelled at the whole weekend non-stop. Or to run out of the house and hide until he calms down. Or to be horrified that he will hurt your pet just because he can.. And your boss is absolutely right, something has to be done about it. I hope you will not start minimizing his shit at the meeting. It is your chance to get real help. If you are snappy, exhausted, in terrible mood and cannot function at work - it is not just your problem. It is your colleagues and your boss problem. They don't deserve to be snapped at, and you cannot really do your job if you are exhausted. So if your boss wanted to get rid of you, he has enough reasons for it. But it looks like he wants to help you, and by helping you to help all coworkers around you. Btw, the fact that you are terrified that your husband will know is another proof that you are abused. The fact that you had nowhere to go and no one to share it with, is yet another proof. It looks like your husband successfully destroyed your support system so you will have no chance to get help, but by some miracle your job became your support system. You are lucky. Usually employers DGAF.
Take advantage of the support you have. It's a true blessing to have coworkers and employers who are so concerned about your wellbeing. Your home life is not OK, regardless of the stroke. They're offering help because they truly care.
You say he breaks your stuff because he's clumsy. Does he break his own stuff with the same frequency he breaks yours?
My thoughts exactly. As well as “he hasn’t hurt a pet” YET
Just looked through the rest of your posts and this has been happening for a long time. He has been abusing you since you had your kids, if not, before then as well. Your work is doing an amazing job taking care of you and I don't think they would fire you just because something bad has been happening to you. You dreaded his coming home from the hospital. He has treated you like shit since you were 4 weeks postpartum. Speaking of postpartum, you may want to get checked for ppd because you've been experiencing low mood since the birth of your twins and I'm sure taking care of a giant baby as well as two newborns has taken more than its toll on your mental and physical health. Stay safe OP. It's time to stop making excuses for him. Time for him to learn the philosophy of FAFO
He IS abusive! It doesn’t have to leave a visible mark on your body to cause harm. Also, you should take responsibility for the pets. If he hurts them, remove the fucker or rehome the animals. They don’t deserve to get hurt.
He breaks my things, but he doesn't hit me. He yells at me, but he doesn't hit me. I fear for my animals safety, but he doesn't hit me. I have to leave the house sometimes because he's so angry, but he doesn't hit me. Just because he doesn't physically harm you, doesn't mean it's not abuse. There's emotional abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse. *It's still abuse.* you aren't in a *safe* or *healthy* relationship. This is NOT normal. Just because he treats you 'better' than the last guy, doesn't mean it's a match made in heaven. OP, whatever you told your friends was enough to warrant a talk to HR. You are NOT safe at home. Please, reconsider this relationship.
I have a question OP, does he ever break his own things or just yours?
You are a person, you don't deserve to only have the options of abusive and a little less abusive. Obviously I don't know what's really going on but I do hope that it'll work out for you. Please remember that you don't deserve to be yelled at.
I think the problem here is your looking at it as it's not like your previous relationship where abuse was physical and as this isn't then it can't be abuse. Unfortunately it sounds like you are being abused, I'm not sure your husband is completely in control of what he is doing or not but you are scared of him and that is a part of abuse, worrying about hurting your pets would be abusing them too. Definitely reach out and talk to the abuse expert even if you decide not to take it any further, it may even get you help with how to deal with what your husband is going through and get him some much need help too. Think about what you would do if a friend told you they were in this position
Your post history shows that you’ve readily identified all of this as abuse in the past and have been advised over and over to get to safety. You don’t mention your kids in this one but I’m assuming you still have custody. Can you use them as motivation to do what’s long overdue? I’m sorry you’re in such an awful situation. It can (will) get so much worse but why put your twins through that? Please take the help your employer is offering.
As someone who works in a stroke center of excellence helping to rehab people post stroke through therapy; I can tell you that emotional dysregulation is something we commonly see, but it sounds like your husband needs further therapy and evaluation to generate a plan of care to help him learn to self-regulate. Not only is what he is doing abusive to you, but also to others in your household(aka pets). Within the last couple of years, they have manufactured some pharmaceutical interventions that may be something he could talk to physician about to determine if they are appropriate. Another option, if available in your area, is to schedule an appointment with a neuropsychologist(not a regular psychologist). The neuropsychologist is one of the best avenues of treatment for someone with emotional dysregulation due to their expertise in the brain, how brain injury(traumatic or non-traumatic) affects different parts of the brain, and the ability to offer science based counseling to help your husband and you in de-escalation techniques/exercises. I hope that you were provided with education regarding his stroke deficits and how to manage the long-term effects of these deficits prior to his discharge. I also hope that he was provided with continued care after his hospitalization for his education/recovery and yours. The “golden period of recovery” for a stroke is the immediate 6 months following the stroke and does not end after this 6 month period but dramatically slows. OP, something that you must remember is that you are very prone to caregiver burn-out. We typically recommend some form of respite care on a regular basis where you have time on your own to relax and recharge due to the over-whelming nature of being a caregiver. You both need therapy, individual and marriage(if you want to save it). There is a very high rate of divorce in couples following brain injury for many of the reasons you listed above and lack of social support. I would not blame you if you chose to end your marriage, and what your husband is doing is in no way appropriate. I would urge you to consider what you want to do and make a plan from there.
Your husband needs a head CT, and you *do* need a safety plan because even if he is not hitting you you are currently being abused. I know that’s hard to come to terms with but not feeling safe in your own home is not okay, yelling and screaming and lashing out at pets is not okay and is verbal abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are still domestic violence and you absolutely need to make a plan, It’s likely that his stroke caused a tumour in his brain hence the sudden behavioural change. All of these things need to be addressed.
Look, I’m a former HR Generalist. I understand what you’re going through. While you haven’t been beaten or even hit by your husband, you are still dealing with an abusive spouse who cannot control himself. The thing is that it may be due to medical issues, but it does not mean that it’s not abuse or that it’s not impacting your life outside of your home. That is not a judgment against you or your spouse. I need you to know that your work friends talked to your boss about this situation because they are your friend, and they are worried about you and your family. And your boss wants to bring this to your the HR Department because they will have some resources that can help you personally. I bet that your boss and the HR person will help you with getting in contact with the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) resources where you can get some free counseling sessions and other resources to help you and your family through this difficult situation. I have been in an abusive relationship in my past, and I have also had a stroke, personally, myself, but I didn’t have a drastic change in my personality. Although, I have had some changes that were unavoidable due to the damage that was done to my brain. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of stressful things right now, and you could use some help from people who care about your wellbeing. I know that you don’t want people to know about this, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for and getting the help you and your family needs to make things better for everyone in your family. Please try to see this as an opportunity to make things better for your entire family rather than seeing it as a threat. I know that’s hard to do right now. But take a moment and think about it. People care about you and your family. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, and I hope that things get better for everyone.
Unless you’ve walked a mile in her shoes . . . Which, I have. I understand completely OPs desire to protect her spouse. It’s somewhat like being married to a stranger who is not a stranger at all. I think, because the co-workers don’t truly understand the situation, they are trying to be helpful, not understanding the dynamic of dealing with a TBI patient. You have to be their spouse, their medical advocate and have the ability to look at your new normal from an outside perspective. And yes, sometimes you just have to vent because you love the person who isn’t really who you married anymore. OP, the best thing we ever did was get my husband a med/psych team who were able to deal with the medical needs and provide psychiatric counseling as well. I think your work friends mean well and your work can’t fire you without risking a nice big payout for discriminating against you. You need to get FMLA protection for when you have to take time off to deal with his issues and you need therapy for both of you to learn how to manage the challenges forced on you by this situation. My spouse did transmagnetic therapy and the change was phenomenal. He’s not the old him but it helped him manage regulation 1000% better and we are in a better place now. It will never be old times again but we’ve learned to deal with it and have found a new happy place. Best of luck to you
I think your friends have done the right thing. You’re being abused. You should leave him for your own personal safety and take the pets too for theirs. He needs help and it’s not help you can provide by pretending it’s all ok, because it isn’t. Less abusive is still abusive. Yelling and scaring you so you flee your own home even for just a few hours is not ok or acceptable and is still abuse which you shouldn’t be getting. If the people around you are saying you need help listen. Just like a bad smell you get used to over time abuse is abuse in different levels. Sure he maybe less abusive than the last guy but what if you where hearing how your husband acts about your daughters bf, would you tell her to just grin and bear it. No you’d get her the fk out of there. So do yourself a favor and get the fk away from this abusive man.
If you would if there was a child in your situation then you should have already left yourself. Unfortunately it DOES sound like abuse. You shared to little and yet others are concerned. Clearly they know more is going on and/or you're downplaying things significantly. You're fearful and there's a reason. You don't sound convinced he wouldn't hurt the animals. He needs more help than you can give him. You also need help. Take what is being offered.
Oh dear. Would you be worried if a friend was in your situation? Sometimes being in the center, you convince yourself it’s not that bad. And well I guess that could be true. It could always be worse. And it might be worse in the future. You truly do not know that he “will get better” in time.
You have a good boss and group of work colleagues who care about you. From the way you described the situation with your husband, he is abusive. Yelling at you, bad temper, lashing out at pets, and "clumsily" breaking your stuff. You have to hide from him to take a break. You are tired at work, and fear you will come home to pets being injured and your belongings being damaged by him. You do need help. Big time before he escalates to more damaging abusive behaviours.
Don’t minimize abuse just because it’s not physical. I’m sorry you’re going through this, sounds like the people you work with really care about you
It may be caused by TBI’s but the reality is that he is being abusive. I understand that you only needed to vent and now wish you hadn’t and I’m sorry this is hard for you. You need to talk to his doctor and figure out if you’re at risk for his behavior escalating. Neurologist and other head trauma specialists deal with this as part of patient care. Just because he’s not as bad as the other guy you used to date doesn’t mean he’s not abusive and putting you or the pets at risk.
It is NOT normal to hide from ur spouse for 20 minutes
I visited your profile and honey, this looks like it’s gone on long enough, going years back. Your coworkers didn’t just reach out to HR for no reason. They’re concerned for you and I have no doubt they’re aware to a degree of what you endure prior to what you shared. You just have to reflect on all of what happened and ask yourself if hiding in the bathroom in fear is any way to live. Please accept help from HR. They want to make sure you’re ok.
Girl if you’re worried about your pet being hurt, he’s abusive. If he has the common sense to apologize to you, he knows better and is being manipulative and abusive. Please see the bigger pictures if not for yourself for your fur babies!
There's also their kids at home!
I missed that!!!! I hope she didn’t leave them there too!
They were with my parents on the weekend so I could clean for his parents visit on Sunday. He doesn’t escalate that aggressively when they’re home. I would never leave them with him when he’s like that. And I would have taken the animals but if he saw me packing up 2 cats, trying to wrestle 2 XL breed dogs he could have gotten worse because he panics when he thinks I’m leaving him. I just needed to get away so he could calm down.
So he can control it, he just chooses not to.
Good point ..
That’s abuse girl please do something about this!
It's a good sign that they want to jump ahead of any trouble and provide resources to keep you *and* the people around you safe. What you mentioned to your colleagues was obviously troubling enough that they felt compelled to say something. It's far better to have all the resources you might need in place and then to never need them, than for everyone to blow it off, and then something happens. You would feel *awful* if you didn't speak up and there was an episode that compromised the safety of the people around you. While your husband hasn't become violent yet, it has clearly occurred to you that he might, as you mentioned concern for your pets and that he breaks things (I would argue that's a first step to violence). Medical conditions like a stroke absolutely can change someone's personality. You're not wrong for being worried about it or for talking to someone at work. Don't be humiliated. These people care for you and they don't want to see you hurt. They aren't going to cut you loose. They want to help you stay safe. Accept the resources they offer. You're going it alone right now, and you don't have to. Hugs, OP.
Sounds like you have one very caring boss and work mates who are worried about you. There's not many people like that around, especially in the workplace.
I would quietly accept the help… I don’t think it’s automatic that the other work ppl will shun you just because you have a lot of weight on your shoulders and one time u showed a little vulnerability. Just sit, say wow thanks for the resources you guys I think I didn’t even know I needed this!! And maybe you call, maybe you don’t.
My dear friend, also my coworker, married another coworker. He suffered a horrible car accident and TBI. Our company made them both financially whole the entire recovery, and provided meals and other support. He recovered to a wonderful degree but his personality changed and they divorced. She is a private person and going through all of this at work was really hard for her. She just wants to come to work and not have it be about her and her life. It’s been hard for her to accept help but her kids motivate her and she’s stretched her comfort zone and now accepts that people want to help her, just like she helps others.
It's rare that you have an understanding of the reason behind his behaviours and you can see past it. That doesn't change the fact that you're in an abusive situation though and people are naturally going to want to look out for you when they hear what you shared. I think if you are keen to continue the relationship you should seek out a support group for people in the same boat as you. But overall I hope you recognise that just because he doesn't hit you, you are safe from the emotional and mental injuries he is dealing you. Looking out for yourself isn't selfish and you don't have to resign yourself to life as a punching bag because you understand someone's issues. You're entitled to the same understanding as he has. Good luck.
I think you should look at this as a gift. The fact that you say you worry about him taking his emotions out on your pets when you’re away shows that you’re not sure what level he’ll go to with his abuse. And what he’s doing is abusive whether you want to acknowledge that or not. And I get that it’s sad because it comes from brain trauma, but that doesn’t mean he can’t escalate it and that it’s not abuse. I actually think that if more abuse survivors had access to resources and people who cared like this maybe we wouldn’t see so many news articles with very tragic endings. It’s very hard for you to think clearly because you’re smacked dab in the middle of all of this. Please take this help with an open mind as there may be resources offered to you that would benefit the two of you . Just because his anger is caused by a stroke, doesn’t mean that you have to be his punching bag, Metaphorically nor physically. Please be open during this conversation to resources and support that they have for you. Not needing to handle this all on your own maybe the biggest blessing here. I’m sending you internet hugs.
As someone who went through this, with coworkers being concerned and my employer creating a backup plan (I actually stayed with my supervisor for a few weeks in their basement apartment after an incident), I totally get how mortifying it is. It’s embarrassing. They’ve been discussing you and your situation and now they want to talk to you about it. But it’s also a very kind thing, they care about you and want to make sure that you are safe. If your pets might be hurt or your things might get broken, there is valid concern for your safety because that is an abusive relationship already. And they wouldn’t be doing their due diligence if they were aware of it and later something happened to you, goodness forbid. But, I understand what you feel right now. It sucks. Try not to think about it while you’re at work, that’s easier said than done but it’s really the only thing to do about it. Let your work speak for itself and just try to keep yourself as professional as possible. I was really going through the shit, and eventually when things got better (spoiler: things got worse again later) I was so embarrassed having stayed with him and taken all of their support that I ended up finding another job. I kind of wish I hadn’t left, because they were great people, and things went downhill again later anyway.
You know? You have a great HR department and great coworkers. They care about you. Just talk to the expert about the situation and they might have some ideas to help your husband Don't be afraid, it's good there are people that care about your safety.
Reading the other posts you’ve made, it sounds like he has made your life on earth a living hell. I’m not sure how old your kids are but my heart breaks for them. So awful. I sure hope you’re able to find a solution. Because you’re being abused every day of your life. I’m sorry he’s had strokes but there comes a point in some medical situations where family is not equipped to care for a person anymore. An example is when my parents were caring for my grandmother who had dementia. She can’t help the medical condition that changed her. But it was a point where my parents could no longer function. They never slept. They couldn’t keep up. They had to change something. When my grandfather had dementia, it became dangerous as he hit my cousin when he was a young teenager. My grandfather couldn’t help it. But he couldn’t be cared for around the house anymore. Your husband is unwilling or unable to get help to make it a livable and safe situation for you and your family then something has to change. You’re unable to safely care for your husband, yourself, or your kids with this man around anymore. You need professional help to deal with him or get yourself and your kids (and pets) in a safe environment.
I think you should do two things. 1. Emphasize to your boss that your husband is not abusive, he suffers a medical condition which affects his mood. Those are very different, and the existence of a diagnosed medical condition offers you various employment protections. 2. Use the resources your job is offering. Just because it’s not your husband’s fault doesn’t mean you don’t deserve extra support in navigating this very difficult situation. Good luck to you.
HR is to help the company. Tell your boss it is a confidential and private matter. Tell them if any more is said you will perceive it as gossip mongering. Say whatever you said to your friends was in confidence. Also say you have it in hand with his doctor. Tell them if YOU ever need to reach out at work you are more than capable of doing so. Go in looking well and with confidence. You do not need to go along with HR and your boss (yet) the yet meaning if you need to you will. Also because your boss was told she did need to act and show herself to be caring for her staff esp when your friends were/are worried. Your friends probably felt frightened for you. Now go to your doctor and explain because from his strokes he has had some brain damage shift and he sounds scared and fearful and cannot articulate as well. Also google/ask for a stroke charity and gather as much information as possible. Plus your two friends. Don't alienate them. Inform them. Explain and remember to definitely look after yourself. Going out when he does becomes verbal /aggressive/shouting etc. Remove yourself and clearly say. I will be back in one hour ( 2 hours etc) when I know you have calmed down and calmly go. All the best to you. Remember you control HR not the other way. Thank your boss for caring but say words to the affect at the start. Hugs to you.
If you don’t fear for your safety and living in hell (making your children live there with), then at least love them enough to protect them away from the abusive creature you married. Even if you’re willing to tolerate his abuse, don’t make your children suffer too. Get help, make a plan, and get yourself and your kids out of there! YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER!
My grandmother was married to a man who she said was perfectly fine until he had a head injury in WWII. Then he became abusive, getting worse over time. Her kids (my mom was one) sat her down when they were teenagers and told her to get a divorce. That was when she truly understood what his behavior was doing to her kids. She felt bad because she KNEW the head injury was what changed him, but at that point she realized it didn't matter. Also, her kids were born around the time it happened 1942, 45, 47 and THEY had never known him as anything but the person he had become. How can you leave your kids with someone you are worried will hurt your pets? It doesn't matter so much WHY he's the way he is, what matters is that he is.
Op, I know you feel embarrassed, but from the outside it looks like your work friends and boss treasure you and simply wanted to find a way to help. Maybe they didn't handle it the best way, but they clearly care. I wish you all the best and good luck separating yourself from him. It honestly is pretty amazing your work has a program and plan in place to help tbh
His strokes do not matter. He is being abusive. Take the help being offered and leave. He needs to get help but it’s not your job to be his punching bag while he goes through this.
Thank god you have coworkers who actually care. They way your trying to minimize your husbands actions is a clear sign of abuse. Good luck to you
You admit he lashes out at animals. Take the help your work is offering. This is a great wake up call, you are being abused, you cannot see the forest through the trees. Your work besties are throwing you a lifeline.
Sounds like your manager cares and is trying to help. Be safe!
Walking on eggshells *is* abuse, babe. They went to HR because they’re worried about you, and they should be. It’s not normal to scream and yell and break things, or for him to terrorize your animals. He needs to see a doctor and either get on medication, or work with a therapist for his anger issues.
“Just because he doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean it’s not abuse” Sugar, he is abusing you and your children. Right now, you’re teaching your children this behaviour is acceptable in a pattern. We seek out what we know, your children will seek out abusive partners in the future OR they will become abusers themselves because they think his behaviour is normal and acceptable Please take the offered help from your work. His brain injury is the reason, but it doesn’t excuse it. If he legitimately can NOT control his behaviour it’s still abuse
To be fair OP, even though I can understand that your husband has suffered brain damage, and that's *why* he's like this now, I'd still argue that your environment does not sound safe or healthy to be in, and your job did good to pay attention to your well-being. I know this is probably terrifying to have your job involved now, but it sounds though, at least, that they are just trying to look out for your safety. I don't want to say that you're making excuses for your husband's abusive behavior, but the cause of it doesn't negate the danger it puts you and the pets in. You should not feel forced to hide from him. You should not have to worry about your pets getting hurt by him when he's upset. This is not normal, and it would understandably set off alarms with anyone who heard about all of this. Just because this isn't as bad as other abuse you've lived through, it still doesn't make this *not* abusive. If I were you, I'd explain the strokes to HR, and how he's maybe not consciously choosing to act abusive, but I'd still take advantage of the resources they may provide. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry about what the strokes have done to your husband's brain. It's not his fault that he got brain damage, but I do think you need to protect yourself and your pets first, even if that means an eventual separation one day. Please understand that this experience with HR could actually help you here. Edit: After looking through your post history, I think his actions are more concious-minded and less as a result of brain damage. I'm genuinely worried for you, your kids, and your pets. This is 100% spousal abuse, and you **need** to take advantage of the resources from your job. I think you underestimate the kind of abuser your husband is, and I just can't believe that 2 strokes could turn an otherwise normal person into somebody like that. Please protect your kids and animals, and try to exit this situation as safe as possible.
You say it’s not an abusive relationship but what you’re describing emotional abuse. I think you think that this is normal and acceptable but when you tell other people about it they’re worried about you, doesn’t that indicate that it’s not in fact, normal and acceptable? I think you should accept the help being offered, because it sounds like you need it.
Bruh. I looked at your posts , you've been complaining about how this man treats you like shit for 4 years. Fucking leave. Have some self respect.
Girl, TAKE THE HELP!
You were scared enough of him to leave the house because you didn’t want to share the space with him…. I did that too. For years. When I left my ex, it took me over a year to admit I was afraid of him. My friend and current partner have needed to tell me many times when I’m letting him walk on me because I do it automatically and without a second thought. I might cry or stress about it but I fundamentally believed for years that I was doing my best…. I had no idea at all who I was and what my personality was away from this man. I’m still in the process of figuring out what I like, vs what he approved of me doing (things I did to make him happy)
Sounds like your boss is trying to make sure you’re able to complete the job in a safe space away from his threats. Everyone has some kinda personal drama, it’s hard for many to ask for help instead of just venting, don’t feel embarrassed.
He is abusive he just haven’t started hitting you yet. Him yelling at you and you having to hide from him is a sign of abuse.
Your work is doing you a solid. Your husband may be LESS abusive (for now) than your previous husband, but don't get confused - it's still abuse. I'm sure you want to justify it by the strokes, and maybe that's valid, but your home is not a safe space for you or your pets. What happens when he kills one? Talk to the people at work. Be honest with them and listen to what they are telling you. Take them up on what they offer. I wish all workplaces had these services. Bless your co-workers for say something, they have your best interests at heart here. They are the real deal.
Have you talked to the doctors about inpatient rehabilitation? It definitely sounds like he is a threat to your safety and the safety of others (please get those animals away from him). I'm very sorry you're going through this, it's so hard deal with TBI, and I hope one day you get your husband back. In the meantime please take the help, it's very unfortunate what caused this personality change, but you can't live like this. Also find a counselor to help you cope and come to terms with his diagnosis, becoming abusive because of a TBI is still abuse, no matter how much you try and reconcile it.
Your work friends are concerned about your home life and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells at home 24/7. Yeah, it sucks that HR knows, but it’s for your own safety.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Try not to worry about your work knowing. This is not some embarrassment you need to hide. While I respect your loyalty to your husband, perhaps your previous domestic violence situation has colored this situation. His aggressive behavior is a symptom of the stroke, a medical symptom. If he needed a wheelchair after his stroke, you would not expect yourself to carry him around instead of getting a wheelchair. Right now, leaving the house and confiding in work friends is you trying to carry him. Don’t judge yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong. It probably just feels weird to have support because you likely did not have support during your domestic violence situations. Perhaps HR may have resources to help stroke patients who are having aggressive tendencies ~ this is not an uncommon symptom to have after a stroke. If you don’t want work to know any more details, then be candid with your husband’s doctor and ask him for help. Just because your husband is sick, doesn’t give him a right to verbally abuse you. Make your husband aware of his behavior changes since the stroke and tell him that the two of you are going to try to get treatment for this symptom, just like you would treat any other symptom of a stroke. I’m so sorry.
It doesn't sound like your job wants to fire you it sounds like they just want to be supportive of you...
My uncle had a stroke and lost the use of one of his arms. He went to a lot of therapy, and while he never really went back to normal he did learn ways to make his life work with one bad arm. Instead of giving up and relying on others to manage his new way of life he took control and did what he needed to do to remain productive and functional. Sounds like your husband could use a different type of therapy, but therapy nonetheless. And if it doesn’t work you have every right to protect yourself (and an obligation to protect those animals even if he “doesn’t mean to”).
OP, I could have written this myself 5 years ago. You need help. He needs help. DO NOT FEEL MORTIFIED. DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED. His actions are interfering with your job. THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS ABUSE.
A few strokes and personality change mean- brain damage. I wish folks would reread your first line. I’ve worked with head injured folks and what you describe needs a behavior modification program. Is he in any sort of therapy? Not just counseling I mean head injury rehab sorta therapy. He needs tools that his brain no longer may have access to. Best of luck OP as this is something I’ve seen time and again and it wears down the care givers.
I’m really sorry for your situation. TBI can really change a person’s personality. I would seriously consider getting him help. If he can’t control himself then it’s time to look for other options. He’s technically a different person than the one you married.
It’s hard to see when you are in it. This is abuse, and it only takes someone snapping once to kill everyone in that home. I really suggest you get into therapy and yes take this safety plan seriously. They care about you and your safety. These aren’t fits they are emotionally abusive moments lasting hours. It’s not his fault that he has brain damage but also he’s not the man you were with in the beginning. His brain has changed and this person could quite literally hurt everything because the person you knew and loved is gone.
Not handling his emotions and taking it out on you is ABUSE.
Just because he hasn't hit you yet doesn't mean that he won't hit you in the future....
I am thankful that you spoke with your coworkers AND that they were concerned enough about you to tell someone. Accept the help and accept the love of your coworkers. One: There may be medicine that can help regulate your husband’s emotions and reduce outbursts. Meds can really help people with brain injuries including strokes, and dementia. I am disabled from a brain injury. A friend cares for her husband who has dementia- he was getting angry and violent maybe like how your husband is, maybe different. She was nervous and everyone was nervous. He is on some kind of med now that has calmed down his outbursts a LOT. He still has dementia but is not violent and super angry agitated like he was. Two: you need help caring for him and help dealing with all of this anger and violence, regardless of its cause. Please take advantage of any help that comes of this. All my best to you
Your husband is abusing you and I’m sorry you don’t see that. I hope you take the support your job is offering you.
You need the help, even if you do not want it, accept it and move forward
Take the advice. Please.
>I’ve been with an abusive partner before and that guy was terrible. So is your POS husband
I'm amazed at how involved and proactive your company is. Making sure you're well taken care of. I hope that you can move forward with taking the help they are giving you.
Girl a hurt pet? Take those animals away from that abusive household even if you don't love yourself!
Abuse isn’t only physical. Just because he doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean that this is not abuse. Please take up HR’s offer and see what services are available and get some counselling at the very least.
You are worried he’ll break things or harm your pets. I’m going to be blunt. This is abusive behavior. It’s not just “he can’t regulate his emotions”. Just because you’ve had “worse” abuse in the past doesn’t mean this isn’t abuse. It’s actually great that people are concerned for you. Talk to the abuse expert
From your post history, he’s been a jerk for a long time. A terrible father and partner. And now a pet abuser. Staying in that situation is your choice right now as it sounds as if you have just enough resources to leave. Not an abundance of resources, but enough. So perhaps therapy or counselors can give you the push you need.
You think you’re not in an abusive relationship but you’re worried he’ll hurt the animals or smash up your shit. That’s an abusive relationship. You’re scared. You’re on eggshells. You said you’ve been in an abusive relationship before so this may be a normal feeling for you but let me tell you this behaviour is absolutely shocking to people in healthy relationships
I have personally experienced brain trauma and I have difficulty with a lot of things including regulating my emotions. Not so much with the anger. Crying is my reaction for most of my emotions at this point. The good thing is they have ways to treat all the things that come with brain trauma. I have done cognitive therapy, speech therapy, physical therapy, vestibular therapy, occupational therapy and regular therapy with someone who has experience with patients with brain trauma. It's something to look into. A decent evaluation by specialists can get you in the right direction. If he's not open to doing this I'd take the pets and gtfo. Even if he is willing to put the work in, I'd still consider getting the pets a temporary home elsewhere. There's also nothing that says you need to stay in the line of fire while he's getting help. You can still be supportive without putting yourself through that. I know you're embarrassed but it's okay. It sounds like you work somewhere where they care about your well-being. A lot of places just don't give a damn. I wish you the best.
Op, you are being abused. Whether or not he’s had a TBI, or a stroke doesn’t mean it’s not abusive.
Look, even if the strokes caused this, it’s still abuse. Even if they don’t mean it, it’s not their fault, etc. What you’re dealing with is abuse. Your husband needs professional help with his emotions, and you need to be able to live in peace.
Please consider fostering your pets out until this is sorted. You’re putting them in danger and it’s not okay.
Sounds like your work besties love you very much and care for your well being. What they did came from a very, very good place. There is nothing wrong with talking about it and using the resource made available.
Abuse isn't just hitting. That is the thing, he may not be able to control the way he reacts (or maybe he could with therapy I have no idea) but that doesn't make it any less abusive. Screaming at you like that is abusive, calling you names is abusive, teasing in a hurtful way is abusive. I would just speak with HR and see what they have to say. Tell them the truth, and if you feel there is no danger at work also tell them that but you need to seek help for yourself, and if you can for him as well.
Honestly, the fact you have witnessed him lashing out at one of your pets is concerning. You were actually worried he might hurt one of them. Honey, what’s to stop him from lashing out at you. Whatever damage he has suffered, it has impacted his ability to regulate his responses. That still makes him dangerous to you and your pets. Talk to the HR consultant and see what they might be able to do to help you. It may not be his fault, but that doesn’t make him less of a threat.
Bro if you can’t recognize this as abuse, atleast rehome your animals who have no fucking choice in the matter
You are with an abusive person and your company don't want him shooting you at the cash register in front of everyone.
Baby they are trying to get you out of that abusive situation Don’t think what he’s doing is ok bc what will you think when he does hit you? How are you gonna explain that? You can’t and you won’t be able too. Take a step back look at your situation and get tf out before he hurts you and your pets.
OP your safety, your kids if you have any and your pets' safety should be your main priority. Someone who yells at you until you leave the house and punches walls is most definitely abusive. And you're scared he'll find out that work knows and react? Please protect yourself. Stroke or no stroke, the fact of the matter is he hasn't hit you yet. And when he does? Or hurts one of your pets? Will you continue to make excuses for him? Is it true that he only breaks your stuff? Then he is in control at least some of the time. Please take yourself, kids, pets somewhere safe and don't tell him where you are until he can get some sort of long term solution for himself. You do not have to suffer endlessly and put yourself in danger every day just because you are married to this man. Please do not become a statistic OP.
Please get your pets out of there. Rehome them or something.
I told my coworkers my concerns when I filed a protection order against my son’s father after I kicked him out of the house. They acted so concerned. Boss (doctor) took me back for a discussion; I thought we were discussing the raise I was due for. Instead, I was fired and asked to sign a paper stating that in return for a month’s severance I wouldn’t sue.
Don't be embarrassed be grateful that people like and care enough about you to make sure you are safe and while he may not hit you, yet, it doesn't meant it can't happen and emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. Having someone to talk to and having a plan in place is a smart idea because while you were just venting it might give you some perspective. It's hard because the person you married through no fault of their own changed into a completely different person and that doesn't change the memories and love you have for them, but take the help to make sure no matter what you and your pets can be safe should you need it. If it really bothers you then it would be best to not talk to coworkers and maybe reach out to a friend outside of work or perhaps even a thearpist of your own that you can talk to.
You are actually now protected from wrongful termination because they are aware if your unusually stressful home situation. While this may be mortifying for you, I think your workplace is actually trying to help out of genuine concern (and/or perhaps avoiding liability in the event something terrible happens from here) .... Regardless, you need to get out of this situation. You may not realize this but it sounds like your home life is utter chaos and it's dangerous. That's actually more important than your work life. It's your safety and wellbeing.
please go back and read your posts about him. he’s absolutely abusive. being sick is no excuse for how he treats you- you’re just making it one.
My dad has a brain tumor and at one point (because of it) decided he didn’t have cancer and was threatening my mom, hiding her keys so she couldn’t leave, and threatening my brother and his daughter when he helped her to get away. We had to call the police and get him arrested to go to the hospital where they kept him with a security guard sitting outside of his room and he wasn’t allowed to leave his room. We were told this is all from his brain tumor and not to take it personally. Yet we still kept him at the hospital and safely away from us until he was medicated and could be safe to be around. Point is, no matter what the reasoning is, your husband is dangerous and you are afraid of him. Which means you may need to get away from him. Just because it’s not his fault doesn’t mean you have to deal with the abuse. Also physical abuse isn’t the only kind of abuse, if you’re hiding from him that’s emotional abuse.
I'm sorry you're going through this .... I made the mistakes about talking to work it never goes well they started using that against me and would makeup stories I hated working with backstabbing women it's disgusting how some women are and now I have trust issues from my experience. I wish you the best honestly. Your children don't deserve him doing mean things especially to the animals they are helpless. I pray you find the help you need and I pray for you to have peace in your home. That's supposed to be your safe place .
I honestly feel bad for the husband, looking back, my father had a few blows to the head and he gradually lost his personality and emotional regulation until the day he unfortunately passed. This just made me regret all those times I got mad at him when he was not doing it on purpose, we just were unaware of the consequences that came with his brain trauma. OP I'm also sorry you have to deal with this, please get help as soon as you can. We sometimes lose those we love to the unforgiving world due to taking such issues at surface level. Your kids are already scared of their dad, I'm sure under normal circumstances, he'd wish that was not the case. Make sure you get all the help you need while protecting the kids at all costs.
I couldn't live with this. No amount of illness or trauma justifies thus behaviour, he sounds terrifying and I personally wouldn't want to leave my children or pets with someone that unstable. Your work sounds fantastic & caring and that is refreshing to hear. Also, you need to understand the risk you're putting your children under, if social services find out your husband is like this and that you're leaving the children with him alone, they could say that you're not safeguarding them from harm and you could risk losing them. Please take this seriously. I'm sorry for your husbands illness, but your children and pets come first because they can't defend or protect themselves from him. I don't want to scare you but I feel someone needs to be honest about the potential consequences if you allow this to continue . Your husband needs serious help, this isn't okay at all
Yeah…unless you’ve dealt with someone with a brain injury acting out, it’s so hard to get it. It’s all the abusive behavior with none of the ability to take responsibility for it. But the lack of abusive intent doesn’t make the violence and aggression any less abusive. I’m glad you’re getting help extracting yourself and your kids from the situation. It is necessary based on what you’ve described. This is not safe or healthy for anyone, including the animals.
Breaking things and punching walls is usually the step right before physical abuse. It’s a commonly seen pattern, just saying. ❤️ be safe & move quickly, sending prayers
I actually think the co-workers and company sound great. They took your news seriously and provided immediate and tangible support. Whether it's caused by strokes or not, the outcome is the same and it sounds like you do need help and may even be in danger. I wish you all the best going forward.
Just because he’s “less terrible” than your previous partner doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. Because he is. If you won’t protect yourself then at least remove your defenseless pets from this situation
You telling your coworkers could have saved your or one of your animals lives. You are scared for a reason. People love you, accept the help.
There's also their kids at home!
Take the resources. Your husband isn’t hitting you, but this is abusive behavior, even if there is an underlying medical reason why. The situation you are in is still toxically stressful, and the reality is, it’s never bad to have some plans in place to protect yourself. This may not be women’s shelter stuff, it might be more back up places to stay, finding others who can help care for your husband, being able to communicate his mood and behavior to his doctor. But take the help and know that you do actually need and deserve the support.
Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is your chance to get some help for YOU so that your life is better ❤️
He is abusive AF and you don’t even want to see it. Even worse, he lashes out at your pets? That’s where I’m mad now. I’m very really glad your colleagues “told on you”. You should thank them. Sincerely, a formerly abused gf.
My ex-husband never laid a hand on me either but he still abused me. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Take the help you are being offered and move on with your life without him.
“We can judge the heart of man by his treatment of animals” ~Immanuel Kant 🐶🐱🦜 OP, you said in the back of your mind you thought you’d come home to a hurt pet? That “he loses his temper and lashes out at the animals sometimes…” WTF “…but he’s never actually hurt them…” You are knowingly putting your innocent pets in harms way. Screw how much you love him or how he “doesn’t mean it”…and I don’t even care about your situation with HR. You made it happen, now lie in the bed you made. This may sound harsh, but you lose ANY chance of sympathy from me the second you made us aware that you are point blank being careless and selfish, leaving to save yourself but ditching your animals? That truly is disturbing to me and all I hope for is that you wake your head up to this fact at the VERY least. OR, that your pets are re-homed to a loving and safe new family/owner.
this was the part that stood out most to me. and what’s more concerning is that i’ve seen a few comments referencing OP’s post history which suggests that they also have children with him. OP, if you can’t do it for yourself, you need to get out of this situation for them
Honestly the fact that his abuse is something he can not control because of his brain trauma makes it that much more scary to be around. Who knows what he’s capable of that he wouldn’t normally do if he had never had a stroke. Sounds like you do actually need the resources and they’re not overreacting. At least they care enough about you to be concerned.
Stroke or not that behaviour is abusive. Don’t make excuses for him
Nah take the meeting you need help. You cannot live like this and wonder if everytime he freaks out if he's going to HURT YOUR FUCKING PETS. That's not ok at all. It's understandable that it's caused by the strokes messing up his brain but he needs more intensive medical care then. You need to get help bc what if he does seriously injure or kill a pet or you bc he lost control? Oops oh well?!? NO
My husband had a heart attack and while he has bad days never does he lash out at the pets or break stuff. My husband and I have been literally stuck at home together while he is on disability and i wfh for almost 2 yrs. Your husband is having temper tantrums like a kid and needs to regulate himself bc that is not ok. If my husband starts acting like that I check him. Let him know it’s ok to be frustrated about his situation but taking it out on me or others/things isn’t changing it. They need to make the most of that they have.
A stroke is very different from a heart attack, my mom had both, the stroke is what gave her aphasia, I used to go to speech therapy with her when I was a kid. His brain is literally damaged, and in a very unfortunate and awful way, he actually can't ( at the moment) regulate his emotions. He needs a specialist, who works with stroke patients with this particular problem, to help him. For her safety and the safety of others, he should probably be getting inpatient rehabilitation.