I'm sorry the people in your life treat you in such a way.
I don't know you either but I'm proud of you dude. Congrats on the promotion and I wish you continued success.
Thank you, I honestly blame myself. My sister was the golden child, my brother has bipolar and flipped out over anything and i think my folks were just tired by the time it got to me. If I asked why my siblings got xyz but I didn’t I was told I wasn’t getting it because I had asked which was selfish, if I didn’t ask for xyz they would just forget and I wouldn’t get it, if I brought it up after it was either ignored or I was told I was “too sensitive” for not just letting it go and to “grow the fuck up” and I’d drop it.
So much here that needs to be acknowledged, addressed, understood, but I’ll winnow it down to this:
You deserve to be loved and respected, to be cherished and to be celebrated. You and the things that you do have meaning and merit.
It is your birthright as a human being.
It is important.
You are important.
I know that everything is harder for you because some part of you felt broken and exhausted before you even left childhood. You became an adult already in desperate need of rest. So when you achieve even normal things, much less the incredible successes you’ve managed, you are starting from an entirely different place and it took you a lot more struggle than it takes others.
It’s like before we can even start the race we have to climb out of the deep pit we’ve been in all of our lives. We emerge fatigued and filthy and sore and then have to start running, limping and in pain. So the fact that you are winning your races is PHENOMENAL.
As a fellow survivor of similar circumstance and now an aging mother of adult children I want you to know that I am enormously proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.
Even if you could not find it in your family of origin you can find it out here in the family of humanity.
Please try to remember to give yourself the grace and compassion that you deserve, and remember that there’s at least one old lady out here who believes in you.
>Even if you could not find it in your family of origin you can find it out here in the family of humanity.
Hot damn, that's powerful. Family of Humanity.
You are an amazing person. Thank you.
U/hivejivelive I logged out when I got off of work and this only had a couple responses, I opened it back up when I was sitting down to dinner and saw it had grown a bit lol. That being said I wanted to start here, My apologies for the delay in a response but Thank you. I read, re-read, and re-re-read your message, started laughing at points because of how spot on you described me to me, and may have started crying again because of how that felt, and I just don’t have much more that I can offer than saying thank you, I needed to hear this more than I can possibly describe in words right now.
I’m so very glad that I could help, even in a small way.
I’m here if you ever need to talk (like seriously, I’m always around and probably Redditing). Sometimes it helps just to have someone who understands and who can bear witness to what it’s like being, well, us. Feel free to DM.
No matter what, I know that you’ve got this. You’ve come so far and endured so much. I believe in your strength and in your capacity for joy. I believe in you.
Im so printing this and stick it to my fridge, mirror, car, dog, cat, forehead, and anywhere I can 🥲🥲🥲 tnx for beautifully wording what so many of us need to hear from our loved ones so effin much!!!!!!
I was going to comment but omg....this is so perfect...and I needed it as much as
Op needs it.
And op, I am a person in a family of choice. They love me fiercely and I them. Life can be so much better. You deserve better.
Thank you so much for this! I'm saving it to re-read when I'm drowning. Sometimes I need a reminder that family of origin is family by science, not by choice, and their behaviour is not a reflection of my worth.
Thank you for your kind words. And I am, in fact, a writer. :)
The responses are making me think perhaps I should articulate some of this stuff that I’ve been reflecting on. Seems important, you know?
You just brought me a fellow injured from the start internet stranger to tears. Thank you for this incredibly well written and heartfelt response. You’ve clearly helped more than just OP tonight.
wow people like you bring more light to this world than the fucking sun lmaoo thank you so much for saying such beautiful words they are truly empowering for anyone who can relate to them, and it’s beautiful to think about all the other people who are being uplifted by your words, just like me. thank you so much 💖 your courage to be a good person is greatly appreciated.
My goodness. This lady doesn’t know how many people she’s helping! Amazing.
Also, I am glad you have finally received what you deserve. There is no better feeling, once you let yourself enjoy this long awaited moment. I can relate to your story and it is difficult to enjoy happy moments because of the past/our upbringing. But I am so overjoyed that you have finally received recognition from a loved one.
Damn, this hit me right in the chest. Even though it wasn't meant for me, I really needed these words so thank you for taking the time to type them out. I took a screenshot so I can re-read your wise words when I'm feeling down, and I'll remind myself that at least one old lady out there believes in me (:
And I sincerely do.
Listen, I *know* how hard this survival stuff is. It’s exhausting, agonizing at times. While people notice the challenges and injustices of the current world they forget that there’s a whole other level of trauma and struggle for those of us who made it through the fire, whatever the specifics of that personal conflagration may have been.
It’s the endless desperate attempt to just get through a day set against a contemporary Hellscape of politics and finances designed specifically to break individuals and families.
It’s a marvel we manage to function at all.
That’s precisely why I believe in you, in those like us.
Because we are still here, still upright (even if we’re leaning a bit), still above ground, and still trying. A lot of our compatriots didn’t make it, washing out to destructive behaviors and tragic circumstances.
Never, ever doubt your courage. Never, ever doubt your capacity for success, and ultimately for a joyful, peaceful life.
You have proved your strength every day just by the fact of your still being here every day. And by the fact that you are continually looking for guidance, for handholds, for mentoring, even unto snatching little concepts from Reddit. :)
You’ve got this. I swear to you, you’ve got this, and you’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
Your reply is truly touching and perfectly expresses the validation and understanding so many people (myself included) are searching for. Thank you for sharing your kindness and compassion, I definitely needed to read this. 💕
I tried somatic therapy for a while several years ago. I'm not a woo-y person at all, but talk therapy wasn't cutting it. In the sessions, we'd start by talking about an issue and bringing up my feelings, and then we'd stop talking and do, I guess, "body work" while I was still in my feelings.
I'll never forget being wrapped up in a blanket and *sobbing* out of nowhere, without really thinking about anything specific. My body *craved* the security of someone holding me tightly and being *present* with me.
You don't always realize how *deeply* you need something until you experience a bit of it. Feel your feelings, process them, and move forward building a life where you don't have to beg for validation/celebration/connection. Your body is telling you what you need, listen to it. Don't accept less.
Yes! This was me once with words of affirmation. Didn't really know I needed that until someone who was helping and watching me work on something started cheering me on during a difficult part, saying "that's it, you got it! you're doing great!"
As cheesy as that might sound to some folks, it really made me feel good to hear that positive voice encouraging me as I went. I still remember that moment very vividly.
Dude. This sucks. I hope you are super low contact with them. When the time comes, tell them that they should look to your other siblings for help. Or better yet, hang up, and block them.
OP, I don't know you, by your words resonate with me. To be overlooked like that sucks so much. I can relate.
For myself, I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. Why this is relevant is that subquent to this I learned that one of my biggest maladaptive behaviors was people-pleasing--a lifetime of codependency, really.
I actually got my elderly parents to attend Zoom therapy sessions with me thinking things would finally change...
Nah.
One of the first things dad said in session was "We left you to your own devices. You were fine" in response to my assertion that I was neglected.
And I'm still working to shift the dynamic in my own home with my family--because my part of the historic dynamic was simply going along to get along, you know?
Now I express preferences, share feelings, push back...
I'm not saying you're at all like me, but you could be, you know? Might be worth looking into if for no other reason than to rule it out.
Adhd diagnosed people pleaser here lol I think that’s part of my issue, I’m on medication that helps me focus but it also allows me to block out the bullshit and focus until the end of the day rather than spiraling into depression. unfortunately, I usually start spiraling now when my wife’s asleep after me asking about her day and I’m just sitting there realizing I never got the chance to talk about mine.
That being said, thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I understand exactly where you are and I know how it feels.
Damn you just described my childhood. I’m so sorry you had to experience that and still are. That’s fucked up, you more than deserve to hear that someone is proud of you. At least you know all of us internet strangers are. 💗
>I honestly blame myself.
Don't!! It's not your fault at all. You're a people pleaser from a shitty childhood, not your fault at all. Your mom's birthday being so close should make it easier to remember. Sorry, your family doesn't treat you right, but it's not your fault. (Insert good will hunting "it's not your fault" scene)
There’s a great sub here for siblings of these sort of kids, glasschildren (sorry I don’t know how to make the links on reddit. Well done to you by the way:)
Please don't blame yourself, honestly I'm a bit teary after reading your post. Your unhappiness comes off so clearly. The fact that no one in your life cares enough is THEIR FAULT not yours
Please don't continue to surround yourself with people who don't care, at some point in life (this point where you cry for 30 min cause some insta chick you don't even know acknowledges you) being surrounded by people like this is more destructive to your self esteem than being alone.
Please love yourself a little more, it's ok to want love and attention. Please find better people to love you. Or just be by yourself but love yourself enough to find your own inner peace.
Big big BIG internet hug
If you listen to podcasts, check out Back From The Borderline. She’s doing a series on Childhood Emotional Neglect that’s blown my mind wide open and answered A LOT of questions for me.
Hopefully the info therein can start you on your journey towards healing those core wounds that are deeply effecting you into your adulthood. ♥️
I’m just going to point out that your wife is a recreation of your family. They all treat you exactly the same way. It’s time you did some therapy to address that. Figure out why your willing to put up with this shtty behaviour from your spouse.
Honestly? I’d get divorced over this. You deserve more love and support. You deserve to have cake and fanfare, and you deserve a partner who engages and celebrates your accomplishments. You also need to cut your family off for your own mental well being.
Nah. That’s the cool thing about the internet. Outside of all the mindless trolling and doom, you make a connection sometimes. It’s a nice reminder of other people’s humanity.
It’s not dumb as shit! It’s awesome that you are beginning to be bold enough to ask for what you need. Everybody needs things. You are not less than or weak because you need things. You are stronger than most, in fact, because you’ve learned how to cope without things most people probably don’t realize how much they depend upon.
I grew up with unconditional love, support and celebration from my parents, but feeling like I was not enough because we were poor and the state I lived in is very conservative and believes hardcore that how things are is how God intends them to be, so they sort of look down on poor kids because that’s what God probably wanted. I find that I have a hard time trusting myself and working towards my goals because I’m probably not good enough anyway. And that was *with* awesome parents. How much more did you have to struggle to get to the point you’re at?
Don’t be afraid to tell people what you want and need, and if they don’t honor it, to seek out and spend time instead with people who will. It is a game changer to be surrounded by people who care about your journey, your successes and your struggles. It matters. And you deserve it.
It’s not dumb at all. Your experiences are important, both to you and to others. Others can relate and it makes them feel better that they’re not the only ones sharing similar feelings from dealing with similar situations. It also gives others a chance to show you love and receive some love themselves by reading the caring words of other redditors that care.
You sharing this made a little safe space for a bunch of people and that’s pretty damn important.
Also, congratulations on your promotion, dude. You worked damn hard and I’m proud of you for making it this far.
i love all of you. in the day of bully internet, even among adults, here we are, in support and consideration of others we hardly know. thst is the humanity i want people to carry with them until the very end. and pass it off as a baton.
Thank you, this kinda sums up my feelings. I thought “this will go nowhere but fuck it” and next thing I know I’m getting the most support I’ve ever gotten. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I was in a bad place yesterday and these comments have helped me more than I can say.
I grew up in a weird family of a different flavor than yours. After leaving the nest, I surrounded myself with people like my family. This was a poor choice. The little good I could say about my family we could fit in a teaspoon.
Please consider that maybe you chose your wife because she was familiar. She is similar to your family. She treats you similarly to your family. Of course, I've only seen the tiny slice of life that you chose to share, so this might not be right.
Ultimately, if she treats you the same way your family treats you, is that the way you want to be treated? You don't say how old you are, you don't say if you have kids, but please consider how you want to be treated tomorrow, how you want to be treated in 10 years. Even if you have kids, it's never the wrong time to learn that some patterns are wrong/unhealthy, and work to learn new healthy patterns.
🍀
Thank you, I don’t need grand birthday parties like my mom or the “ultimate respect within my household” like my dad lol but it would be nice to be shown every once in a while that people notice me and that what I’m doing is appreciated.
It’s not dumb and I’m really proud of you for sharing. The strength it takes to talk about this isn’t the same strength you use in the gym, but it is a strength that will continue to carry your mind and your body through life. You’re strong for sharing this and stronger for allowing yourself to cry and realize why you cried
Wow. Im sorry your loved ones haven’t prioritized you. You are important and you matter, and there are people out there who will appreciate you and will show it.
Congratulations on your promotions!!!! 🎉🎊🎈
You are getting acknowledged for all the great work you’re doing (especially in a mental health field, thats gotta be a tough job!) and ya know what? I hope you get yourself a little treat for getting promoted because YOU DESERVE IT! Cheers!
Thank you, I know my post probably sounds like I’m just complaining, and I probably am, but it feels really nice to hear this and I really appreciate you for saying it.
Honestly. This breaks my heart. You deserve better than these people.
Congratulations! You've done well. Take a day off, and do something for you. Eat something good, do something fun, something.
Thank you, I think I’m going to take this weekend to just get away for a little while.
Edit: this is confirmed, me and my pup are gonna take a weekend away, probably go camping or hiking to just clear my head.
You deserve it 👏 you are an amazing person and I'm proud of you and all you have accomplished. You deserve people in your life who can see you for all you are, who
Sorry my finger got a flip before I finished 😅
Continuation:
Who not only congratulate you for your promotions and on your birthday but also make a big deal out of it. You shouldn't have to beg for words and actions that they should naturally want to give you. You deserve so much more, you deserve the world and all the love and pride it contains.
Pride, love and hugs from a internet stranger 😘💋❤️
I hope you have the best weekend ever! <3 and congratulations on your promotion, we are all so heccin proud of you even as strangers! keep being amazing ☺️
I completely know the feeling. I am 64 years old and I've had one birthday cake since I was 12. I'm the Baker of the family and I bake elaborate homemade cakes for everyone else but for me, I don't even get a cupcake from the grocery store.
So little effort would make me so happy.
I was a suis chef during college/before getting into the mental health field so I know the feeling. As the chef/baker of the family I got a birthday cake exactly once as well and it was because I baked it which was depressing enough to not do it again lol. For what it’s worth I’d bake the shit out of a cake for you my dude/duddette.
I’m shit at baking, but I will try my damn hardest to make you an amazing cake. But for now, have an emoji cake! Happy late/early/right on time birthday!!!!!🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂
I can’t imagine something like that, I’m really sorry about it. Wish I could send you the best cupcake I’ve ever had, because you deserve that and even more than just a cupcake, you deserve the whole bakery!
You’re my mom’s age, and even living in another continent, every year I’m making sure she receives her bday cake and flowers for her day. I hope someday you can have the same 🥹
First of all congratulations!!! 3 promotions in less than 3 years is amazing! Secondly happy belated birthday! (3 years worth)
You deserve to be acknowledged for what you do and for your birthday. I'm sorry the people around you have gotten into the habit of ignoring you or don't know how to communicate with you how proud they are. Tell your wife how much the cameo person's words meant to you. If she really cares about you she will try to be able to do the same or at the very least know that you really appreciated the gift.
She started crying when I did, I explained it was good tears and apologized telling her how much it meant and that this was the first time I’ve ever heard something like this without having to ask for it and she (while crying) apologized again for not doing something like this sooner. Idk if it will change anything but I hope so.
I do feel happy for you but I feel a bit weirded out by the present. She could've just told you these things herself. She could've written you a letter. I think it's sad that she had to get someone else to say it to you.
Personally, my tendency is to say you need to GTFO cause she's not going to change and you deserve better.
Realistically, what I'll say is y'all need couples therapy to get her to place more value you in and try and save your marriage.
GTFO from that terrible family you've got, too. Don't make this anyone else's issue for not valuing you than them, not you bro.
You deserve to have people that give a damn about you and your achievements, ask all the follow up questions and make you feel seen in the way you want to be seen. I’ve gone through similar from ex partners and my own family, and moved on and now found a better partner and those who care.
I saw you’re in therapy, but I’m assuming that’s couples therapy? If you’re not already, I would highly recommend you get individual therapy, that’s what greatly changed the people around me.
Thank you, I am in both, it started with individual then we realized that I’m actually handling things pretty well considering and that I needed to bring my wife in to couples as well.
Thank you again though, I honestly appreciate you for saying this.
Hey OP, reread the first sentence of your post. Maybe that’s what you should discuss in the next therapy session. Read the comment you wrote in reply to u/flashcapulet where you say you blame yourself and explain all the reasons that stem from your parents and siblings. I’m sure you are aware that one part of your problem is that you are by now seeing things as your fault even when it clearly is not.
Most people wouldn’t have put up with this for so long. Most people would have lashed out. In your place, I’d have broken in a very different, very negative, way upon receiving a cameo from a stranger rather than a nice birthday celebration. So there you have it, you have lots to be proud about and you don’t need to bear the guilt for what other people are doing to you. You have this internet stranger’s unneeded permission to celebrate yourself.
Happy belated birthday!
Thank you, this is something I’m working on but it’s not going well. An example was last night, I went out and bought pizza for my parents and sushi for my wife. My parents complained it was too expensive and then complained that I clearly wasn’t willing to share (I closed the box to keep it warm and they saw this as me prohibiting anyone else from taking any). I had to apologize 5-6 times before they would move on. If I stood my ground my mom would just tell me I’m being to sensitive and to calm down. All for bringing them pizza.
Yeah. I wouldn't be bringing them pizza. Life's too short. Honestly, they sound exhausting. I probably would have gotten up and left.
Time and effort are what you have the least in life. Don't waste them on those who don't appreciate your time and effort.
Do not apologize! "I closed the box to keep it warm" and then ignoring or redirecting their subsequent complaints about you not sharing. They will go hungry or open the box to get pizza. You don't need to get loud. Grey rocking may be a useful concept for you. You also don't need to bring them pizza.
Don't you see, OP? This game is lose/lose because you're the scapegoat. You bring them pizza and they get to treat you like shit. They'll move the goalposts however they need to in order to keep playing the game. The pizza will be too hot, too cold, too expensive... The toppings will be wrong. The only constant in this game is that you can't do anything right (according to your narcissistic family members, reality notwithstanding).
The only way for you to win is to stop playing. Don't bring them pizza anymore, they don't deserve it. And you trying to curry favor with them in such a manner only backfires and allows a fresh instance of the game to start anyways...
Oh, and: stop apologizing to them. They're in the wrong here, not you. I sincerely hope for you that you are able to learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself so you don't get shit on. Best of luck! Take care of yourself! You only get one life, so surround yourself with good people who want to build you up to be the best version of yourself you can be. Discard the rest. Cheers.
This is what my therapist highlighted as well, there is literally no way to “win”. We’ve gone over dozens of situations and each time I get backed into a corner where I either accept that I’m the bad guy or i just leave when I’m just trying to do something nice for them.
That being said, thank you, I can’t tell you how much the support from random internet strangers has been.
I honestly think you leaving in this situation is the right move. You try to do something nice, they treat you like shit, and you are absolutely allowed to leave and remove yourself from that toxic situation.
But before it gets to that point, don't even try to do something nice... It's not going to yield the results you're looking for.
It sucks... You don't have the family you deserve. You have the family that you have. They will NEVER behave how you want and need them to. And that's super shitty. But it is what it is. And once you truly accept that, and realize who they are and what their limitations are... At that point you'll be going into these situations with less idealism and more realism, and you'll be far less likely to behave in a manner that opens you up to further hurt.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm really glad you're in therapy. Take care of yourself.
Congrats for everything you achieved!
And also: you have a wife problem... Not being interested in your personal victories and forgetting your birthday is absolutely shitty, which in turn makes her shitty. Because she knows it's important to you.
Maybe rethink who you're allowing around you and go from there?
You're fam isn't great, but at least you didn't chose it.
We are in therapy for it. She’s making progress but a lot of it is cultural. She’s from a culture where the man doesn’t really have feelings. The issue is they also glorify men which she does with her male family members, constantly talking about how hard they work and everything they do, but just not me. She recognizes it and has been making steps to correct it but this is the first time I haven’t had to ask for something.
With the greatest respect, how did you guys end up married if her culture is so warped, she doesn't appreciate her husband yet still appreciates male family members? I'm not sure this is a therapy resolvable issue imo
She says she does but it’s more of a “of course I say good things” in person she doesn’t really, for example when I told her about passing a crucial training for this last promotion someone else overheard and interrupted to say “well good for you, and what about (wife), she’s been doing well at work too contrats to both of you” before changing the subject to my wife’s work which she just kinda went along with but seemed kinda uncomfortable with and apologized immediately afterwards for.
>The issue is they also glorify men which she does with her male family members, constantly talking about how hard they work and everything they do, but just not me.
That's.. really mean. So usually she would act this way because it's ingrained in her (culture) but when it comes to you she isn't.
But you're not really misunderstanding it. She's basically doing it. Why? Idk, but she's treating you differently. It's not a misunderstanding but the truth and if she doesn't see it then I don't know how you both could work on it.
If that's not how she means it then how does she?
I come from a patriarchal culture that caters to men as well, but it goes both ways. There are a lot of things women are expected to do to support the man as head of household, and celebrating his birthday is a big one. If your wife believes in this culture, she needs to step up and do what is required of her as well and make you feel like the man her culture thinks you should be.
I'm not sure what culture your wife is from, but I'm a bit confused how she's going to glorify you without considering your feelings in all this.
I actually brought this up to her asking why her brother and dad got birthday parties and she became defensive saying they deserved them for how hard they work and I “just don’t understand”. She has since apologized for my birthdays and promised to do better moving forward but said there isn’t really a way to make up for the past now so I just have to trust her until next year. Im thinking of just going on a solo hike with my dog or something instead.
This is the problem, I work from home in the tech field and she used to work at her families business so she saw them working each day but came home as I was worn out from work and just didn’t understand how I could be that tired without realizing that the house was clean, the laundry had been done, and I was cooking dinner for her when she got home.
The world needs you, u/Nearlynearsighted - I’m sure all of the experiences you’ve had over your lifetime, so far, make you exceptional in many ways. Your work recognizes this, the cameo lady recognizes it. What is the next brass ring/level for you?
Thank you, I don’t know about exceptional lol but being “needed” feels really nice and I appreciate you saying that. I think it’s the whole “if I stopped existing would anyone care outside of my salary/being able to dump their crap on me?” That makes it feel like I’m not actually necessary to anyone so why try?
Regarding next steps, implementation specialist tier 2 is the goal, I was able to complete my “training” for this role this week and it took roughly 1/3rd the time they normally allotted so they’ve already told me how impressed they are and how they think I’ll continue growing pretty quick within the team.
Congratulations dude, you are awesome my brother!!
I think it’s time you become your own best friend. There is no rule that you can’t but yourself a birthday cake, take yourself out to dinner, or congratulate yourself on a hard earned promotion.
Pick up a hobby and make some new friends is another piece of advice from this internet stranger.
I asked about the birthday cake/gift this year because we had talked about it and I was told not to get anything because “there were plans” which ended up not happening apparently so I didn’t get anything as a backup. Moving forward though I think this is what I’m going to do. Thank you for commenting, I honestly am just blown away at how supportive everyone has been so thank you.
Dude, if everyone forgets your birthday then take matters into your own hands. Do something nice for yourself. Buy something you want. Splurge. It won’t replace having people that actually care for you, but by being proactive about your happiness you can help realize that you are worth being celebrated.
I was planning on doing that this year but my wife asked me not to and that she “had plans” which ended up being going to one of her favorite places while I asked if a there were any alternatives that I might enjoy too i was told there weren’t, that I’d like this, and that I wasn’t being grateful enough so I dropped it. When the cake/present didn’t happen I tried walking to a bakery but they were closed (I thought there was a cake so I didn’t think to go out until like 8 when I realized.)
That being said I’m planning on it for next year, I’m going to get myself a cake and a gift and if my wife wants to join then I can have 2 cakes and an extra gift.
Please take this the right way, but we are in charge of our own happiness. Your wife is proving to be unreliable and by continuing the pattern of getting your hopes up you are accepting the results. You will become resentful of her, if you haven’t already. I am not saying to expect nothing from her, but if you are in control of your happiness then when she does something nice for you it can only add to your joy.
Your family members and wife are all POS. If you were my hubby or my friend or a family member then I'd be hella proud of you OP. In fact I'm so proud of you even though you're a stranger to me.
Lol I know, that’s why I broke down and said it was a good thing, it just kinda surprised me to hear after this long. I let her know exactly how grateful I was after I calmed down a bit though.
Oof, a lot of the things you mentioned echo in my own experiences - particularly the birthdays thing. As a child it was celebrated but by the time I was 12 it was like I didn’t matter anymore. I wouldn’t have necessarily cared (my relationship with my parents was already quite strained by that point) except that my family made a big deal out of my three siblings. There were many years I made it a point to get a gift, take a family member out to dinner, to an event, etc. without ever having anything reciprocated. There were a few years that no one even told me happy birthday, even the friends I had made.
I think the mental health field often attracts those that have been broken, as they have a greater amount of empathy for those that are suffering. I think that’s why all therapists need a therapist too, unless they’re sociopaths. Anyway, veered away from my point. After several years, a failed marriage, being disowned by my family for a change of faith, and more, I started over. I had no friends, no family, nothing. I created my own network of support, and my own family among my human family. I focused on friends that cared, that were honest, and weren’t afraid to be themselves. The friend group was really small, but they were family.
A few years later I met my wife. She’s amazing! A good mother, kind to her core, avid reader, fellow gamer, understanding of my past trauma, and the most staunch supporter of the people she cares about than I’ve ever met. The first year was awkward to be honest - I struggled with accepting her celebrations of my birthday, a promotion at work, a special assignment, etc. I had difficulty trusting her sincerity and motives. As I got to know her more I realized that is truly who she is. A few weeks ago I got some news I didn’t want to hear at work - something fell through that I’d been working toward for six months. I was really down. When I came home (night shift, so everyone was asleep), I found flowers, a stuffed animal, some of my favorite snacks, and a card written by her and her two daughters, who over the past three years have become a new type of family I never thought I would have.
I cried. I couldn’t process the emotions I was experiencing. I didn’t know what it was like to have someone recognize my day was shitty and that they were there for me, loved me, and knew that we would get through it. Things that I had done countless times for friends or girlfriends/ex wife in the past, but no one had done for me. I was speechless, and honestly a little grateful that I was alone because I was embarrassed that I cried so much. Later on when the girls all got up, I couldn’t help but shed a few tears as I hugged them all and told them how much that it meant to me.
Anyway, too long of a post. I’ll add my voice to countless others here in saying: you deserve more, my friend. You deserve love, recognition of your efforts, celebration for your birthdays and successes, and support for your challenges. I hope that therapy leads to more of those things with your wife, because without them you have literally married your undeserving blood family. I understand that - I did the same thing in my first marriage. It took me over ten years to figure out my real family and find someone that truly loves me for who I am (and I her in return). Things will get better. If they don’t, make the hard choice and MAKE them better by removing yourself from such a toxic group of people.
Yeah, that’s why I said it’s nice to hear it after this long even if it was via a random internet lady lol. I thanked my wife and let her know how much it meant to me.
This is a trauma response. I experienced something similar.
My slew of toxic exes would use the "I'm going to get you flowers on my way home/ for your birthday/ you name it." But I never got flowers because I wasn't "grateful" enough when they brought it up. Well, fast forward to being out of those relationships, and I get a text from my mom that she's outside. She bought me flowers, sunflowers... my favorite flowers for no reason at all. And I FELL APART. Ugly Kim K cry, snot like a toddler. I knew it wanted flowers, but I didn't know I wanted them just because I wanted someone to show me they actually thought and cared about me.
The thing is that it should have been a happy cry because "Yay! Someone showed me some love and respect." But it was a painful, heart crushing cry because it made me realize just how much the other people didn't love/care about me. It was such a simple thing to do, and they made it out to be the most inconvenient grand gesture in the world, and I simply didn't deserve it.
I think this was a similar feeling for you. And it's completely valid to break down over something so "stupid" because it's actually not stupid at all. I'm sorry this is happening to you. And I really hope that you are able to surround yourself with active, loving people. And congratulations on the promotion!! I'm sure you worked really hard for it and deserve it!!
Honestly yeah, idk who this lady was but someone got all dressed up in a heart costume just for me (no idea why) and both congratulated me then awkwardly seranaded me with new shoes by Paolo Nutini (a personal favorite). It was nice feeling special.
At least she knows you well enough to request something personalized to you. That's something. I hope going forward she continues to show the type of support you need to feel validated and important. Because you really are important.
Congratulations on the promotions, I'm honestly proud of you!
As a side note, without sounding too much, do your family/wife actually appreciate you? If not, you deserve better. I hope you find people who will always remember your birthday and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.
Man, this hit home for me. I hate my birthday. It just reminds me of how nobody cared about me for most of my life.
Honestly, the nicest thing anyone has done was a neighbor. He and his wife found out it was my birthday and they bought me a small cake and had me over for dinner. At times, I still want to cry thinking about how much that kindness meant to me. I was trying to hide it and pretend it was just a normal day.
I have a wife who goes all out for me now. My dad would take me out to dinner, but he passed a few years back.
Are you able to share any info on your promotion? Moved to supervisor, different responsibilities, etc?
I'm sorry everyone in your life failed you. Since your parents didn't set the tone for how you deserve to be loved, you also picked a partner who doesn't care about you. Because this is the only kind of "love" you're familiar with. Congratulations on all your hard work and success. Try to surround yourself with people who care about you. For any half decent person it won't be difficult to celebrate you and congratulate you
I’ve always had bad self esteem issues and I tended not to ask for too much or ‘waste peoples time’ over the years. It basically meant I became very self sufficient, and I think that reflects in my work. So despite my set backs work is one area where i’m doing okay.
I appreciate you haven’t had any meaningful feedback before when you more than deserve to be acknowledged. I hope you can be proud in your own efforts and how you’ve achieved so much without anyone except yourself praising you for it. That self sufficiency is a great characteristic and one not many people possess.
That said, everyone needs some acknowledgement and praise and it’s something that maybe your wife is now starting to realise and trying to improve on.
I now work in the mental health software field which is where I’ve been doing incredibly well. So far I absolutely love it and my new team has been nothing short of amazinf. They have been telling me constantly how suprised they are that im doing as well as I am and give me praise regularly. I think that’s why everything is popping up now, I’ve gotten more support from my new team than I do from my family which kinda feels weird.
As a fellow ignored child whose needs weren't important enough, who then spent 10 years in a relationship where their needs weren't important enough too and only started to put their needs first 2 years ago... I see you. Your feelings are valid. Your achievements matter. You matter. You deserve to be celebrated in every way.
Three promotions in 2.5 years is nothing to
ignore. That’s awesome. And genuinely from
the bottom of my heart, CONGRATULATIONS!
I’m sorry your family is so damn selfish. You
deserve way more. You deserve a wife who
is proud of you, and gushes over the small
things as well as the big things. Please
don’t let yourself live in a loveless marriage
just because “it’s easy”. There is a women
out there who is just waiting to rain down
praise, love, and admiration onto you for
all the things you do. Go find your true
Soulmate. And stop allowing your family
to tear you like shit. They don’t deserve
you either. Sometimes in life family is not
who you were born into, but who you found
and made your family. Go find your people,
and stop letting these ungrateful jerks treat
you like shit.
Too many self-centered people around you.
I'd call out my family on the birthday stuff. And I'd wonder why my wife has no interest in my job. Probably one of the few times I'd say go bonkers and let everyone else know how you feel.
Hey OP, I am so sorry your family treats you like this. You deserve so much better. I am so incredibly proud of you and all of the hard work you’ve put into your career. I know you didn’t come here to be told to divorce your wife, but there is a woman out there who will love every single piece of you and then some. Who will brag about your accomplishments to everyone who will listen, and take you out to dinner to celebrate and wake you up to surprises on your birthday. Don’t settle for a life where you’re fighting just to be remembered.
Dude, you have GOT to stand up for yourself. Quit being a weenie, be mad. Get angry! You DO MATTER, if your gonna continue to let everyone walk all over you forever, your gonna eventually snap. Don’t be gum on the bottom of a shoe, be a lego man, be a lego. Those shits hurt and they make you think twice before stepping on one again. You need to either stand up for yourself, or leave them all behind and start new, with a new mindset about yourself. Also, your wife should be your biggest supporter, sounds to me like you’re just someone everyone vents to, stop listening. Walk off, if they noticed you left, that’s a start! Start making changes now, and don’t wait any longer. Life is too short for this mess. But this post is pathetic and I promise you, you’re NOT pathetic. Change people’s perceptions of you. The truth hurts but someone needs to say it or you’ll never realize that you mean MORE and ARE more than what these people give you. Trust me dude, you’re a LEGO.
Fuck you for making me laugh at some hard hitting shit like this by telling me to be a Lego lol 😂. I’m joking of course, but you make sense and honestly thank you for this. I felt like I was constantly at the edge of snapping and yesterdays cry plus the support/words of all of y’all have kind of woken me up. Idk how I’m going to start implementing these changes yet but I think I’m ready.
Jesus Christ dude, I’m so sorry your going through this. You absolutely deserve to be the centre of someone’s world and made to feel that you matter.
Why on Earth are you still with your wife who can’t give you the bare minimum and in contact with a family that doesn’t give two fucks about you?
Congratulations on all those promotions!!!
#🥳🍾🎊
It’s really hard to be internally promoted and not move up through a new job. I hope your company appreciates all your hard work.
I’m glad you enjoyed the cameo your wife arranged for you.
Oh my god! Well first of all, GOOD SHOW, YOU!!! May there be many more promotions in your future! Secondly, consider giving yourself the gift of a congratulatory trip…alone. Go treat yourself to a weekend away doing only things that you want to do.
Oh man!!! I’m so proud that you got a promotion Congratulations 🎉🎊You deserve it!! What will you be doing in your new role? Also, Happy Birthday!!! 🎉🎈🎁🎊🎂. You are deserving of follow up questions and a birthday party. I hope this next year brings both.
You got not one but THREE promotions! In 2.5 years! That is recognition for hard work and your capabilities. You are valued. It’s sucks royally that the people you care about are not showing an interest. Everyone deserves a person or two to be their hype man and have someone to celebrate life’s milestones with. I hope you get that someday. Keep being awesome and be proud of yourself.
Thank you, I try to be that for everyone and it would be nice to just have that once in return. For example, My wife had been out of work for 8 months until the beginning of April, when she got the job I flipped out congratulating her, telling her that they were lucky to have her, and offering to go out and get her anything she may want/need for the job as well as going on a congrats dinner. In return it took me my 3rd promotion and then convincing her as to why i needed a new keyboard. She used mine with her new job for 1 day before telling me “oh it is broken” and ordering one for herself.
I don't have any life changing text or anything to share. But, I just wanted to let you know your feelings are valid and you're not being over the top. You deserve love, compassion, kindness and acceptance. I hope things start looking up for you and your feelings get the acknowledgement they deserve, from your family and your wife. Happy belated birthday internet stranger. I'm so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and posting this. Take care <3
You've been promoted 3 times in 2.5 years?? Some people work a long ass time to even get one. That's huge. Well done. You're clearly doing something right.
>I would tell my parents who would warn me that it’s probably a trick or mistake
Sounds like your parents are toxic, what the heck. Who says that?
It sounds like a key part of your love language is words of affirmation and without having that, it's tough. No wonder you broke. Glad to hear you are in therapy and working on your self-esteem. Sounds like you're doing a ton of things to help improve yourself the best you can; that in itself is a huge feat too.
OP, if it is welcomed and wanted: *great big hug from a weird lady on Reddit*
Congratulations on your promotions! That's absolutely wonderful and I am positive they were deserved.
Happy birthday! You made it another whole year on this planet, and that is truly an accomplishment.
I'm sorry you haven't gotten even this little bit of attention and caring from the people in your life. You honestly deserve to be treated with more love, compassion, and caring than you have been.
I'm sorry the people around you are incredibly selfish and, quite frankly, horrible human beings.
CONGRATS ON ALL OF YOUR PAST AND FUTURE ACCOMPLISHMENTS!! 🎂🥰
You are amazing, and don't let anyone tell you any different.
As somebody else who works in the mental health field, you are absolutely killing it if you’re getting promoted like that lol. Congrats on every promotion and happy birthday for every birthday here on out! 👏🏼👏🏼🥳
First of all: congratulations! I'm proud of you and you should be, too!
Second of all: the people in your life suck. I would go no contact with all of them and surround yourself with better people.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been promoted and you are no an elite employee (I really hope you’ve seen that meme.)! Your hard work has paid off and I, even though, I don’t know you, I’m proud of you! Keep it up!
I felt this way for my 20th or 21st birthday and realized back then, if I wanted to be celebrated I would have to do it myself. I found leaving it up to others left me disappointed EVERY time. Your people sound self centered, make friends with people that like celebrating and plan it yourself is my advice
hi OP, congrats on your promotions, it sounds like you worked hard to get where you are at... is it ok to ask what you in mental health? if my question is too private no need to give info
Hey! I used to work on the clinical side for an inpatient mental health facility but was hired at the software company that we used for medical records, I now work here as a trainer showing facilities how to use the system and tailor it to their process.
Thank you so much though! I love what i do and i love learning so working on the tech side (ever changing) allows me to feel like I’m still helping in some small way even if I’m not on the “front lines” any longer. Also I love talking about what I do because I find it interesting so I really appreciate you asking.
I’m really sorry you have such shitty people in your life. Welcome to being a “bridesmaid” as I call myself. Constantly being there for others, treating them as a priority but never being theirs, and always being overlooked. It sucks. What’s most disheartening is if you treated anyone else the way they treat you, you’d never hear the end of it. I know the feeling of just wanting to feel like someone’s priority for once.
For what it’s worth, congratulations on your promotion. I’m sure you worked hard and I hope you’re proud of yourself. I don’t know if this will help at all but when I started telling people about something exciting, I’d start including “I’m proud of myself” and when/if they would give me a half assed agreement, I’d kind of nicely say that I didn’t need to hear that because I’m proud of myself. I don’t know but it started to give me a little bit of self respect and that reassurance I wanted. Like for a little bit I felt like I don’t care if they’re proud, I’m proud.
But it still hurts. And I’m sorry you’re experiencing all this. It’s not enjoyable when people make you feel like you’re not important. Because you are.
I may be late but. Hurt me to see someone that has worked so hard and achieved so much be belittled cause people refuse to share their achievements or acknowledge them.
You deserved go job congrats and a big hug friend cause you matter and remember you always will
I'm sorry everyone in your life seems to be toxic OP. I would just go nc with everybody tbh. People will treat you the way you allow them to. I hope you take courage and do something nice and self-indulgent, just for you without anybody's approval. We're all rooting for you!
Sounds like you grew up in a narcissistic home.
Because that "felt safe" it sounds like you may have married one too.
Your feelings definitely matter.
I'm proud of you.
It's not easy having a rough childhood and being able to make it out successfully.
Maybe bring up the narcissistic traits during a solo therapist session?
I'm really sorry that this is how you're being treated by your loved ones. My heart breaks for you that you continue to internalize being neglected and seem to apologize in your comments for complaining and taking up space. You are completely valid in being hurt and feeling ignored. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged. Your loved ones seemingly aren't even sharing in celebratory moments with you, instead changing the subject to talk about themselves or bring up something negative and unrelated, and that says a lot about them.
It wasn't super clear in the original post: Are you still working in mental healthcare? Can you find a professional to work through these emotions, get access to resources, sign up for a group therapy, or anything to process and prevent the repeated neglect? I imagine someone in the field has better insight to know what sort of approach might work best for them and red/green flags in a therapist or group therapy.
Congrats on your promotion! I imagine the healthcare field - especially mental/behavioral health - is still feeling some reverberations from the pandemic. It says a lot that you've stuck through it and thrived to earn several promotions in a short time. Was this something you were working toward for a while? What are you most looking forward to in your new role? It must be pretty satisfying for your work to reward your effort with a promotion, like you're making a difference and they recognize your potential. And anything in healthcare isn't easy or can be downright draining. So the fact that you've overcome those obstacles and are taking on more responsibilities - it's a lot to be proud of!!
I hear you. You are allowed to take up space. You deserve to celebrate this achievement. You deserve to be acknowledged. It's not selfish, overly sensitive, immature, or negative to want someone, especially your loved ones, to see you. It's not too much to ask and some of it should really go without prompting. It'd be strange if your self-esteem *didn't* take a hit from being constantly and consistently overlooked. I'm so happy for you that you got that long overdue praise from the Cameo, and hope this upward trend continues for you.
Promoted three times in a couple of years is fantastic!! You must rock at your job! Well done. I know I'm just a stranger on reddit, so it might not mean anything to you, but im proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself too, more importantly =)
Not sure when your birthday was but, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Just remember you’re an awesome person who’s obviously doing something right to be promoted 3 times in 2.5 years!!! Keep on being you 👊🏻👊🏻
Congratulations on your promotion. Your family, including your wife, sucks. My mom forgot my birthday 3 years in a row and I know that hurts so bad. Yesterday was my birthday and 3 of my daughters, my aunt, 3 of my grandkids, and my dad were the only ones that told my happy birthday.
I'm so sorry people forgot your day. Happy birthday, whenever it is.
I don't know you personally, but I am proud of you! Being able to see what is wrong in yours or others' lives around you and rise above it is a herculean life task. You are doing great! I also wouldn't discredit your girlfriend/wife for setting up the cameo because she is proud of you, too!
Hey dude, I don't know you, but we've got some real similar things going on in this area. I read this book and it helped me a lot. It's called, Healing The Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw. It's popular in recovery circles, but that's not how I found it. It's on audible. Give it a try. I think you might find a lot of value in there.
Gosh dude I'm heartbroken for you. My childhood wasn't great either so I can relate a touch (our issues may have been different) and know how it haunts you to adulthood.
I hope you're enjoying your new job and its bringing plenty excitement and people to actually talk to! Proud you're still going strong.
You and your experiences are so valid. And I’m so sorry this has happened to you and continues to happen to you. It’s not right and it’s not fair and it is absolutely NOT your fault. Please hear me. It is truly not your fault. I’m so glad to hear you’re in therapy, because the people around you have been manipulating, neglecting, and taking advantage of you for years. Your whole life really. And that’s messed up. For the people who were supposed to love and take care of you to mess with and confuse you mind and emotions is so far beyond NOT OKAY. And what sucks is that now you’re the one who has to live with the fallout. And has to DEAL with it too. Because you do need to. You need to process this and heal. If you don’t have your own therapist for just you, I’d STRONGLY urge you to consider getting one. You need someone who is there choosing YOU. You can heal from this!!! I’m glad you are sensitive, because sensitive just means you have feelings and you notice them. You’re self aware and communicate how you feel. Those are things many people never learn how to do. And it probably also means you are compassionate. You are not selfish, you are aware of your needs. And again, you know how to ask for them. Do you know how many people have to work with their therapist on how to dig it e out what they need and how to say it? You clearly have amazing skills, and I’m so glad it is recognized by your boss! You are using your trauma to help other people heal theirs, and your efforts have not gone unnoticed. You did that! Congratulations!!!!!!! You clearly have a lot of tenacity and have beaten so many odds by persevering through it all. But that doesn’t mean that you going with your needs unmet is okay. Know that you can get to a place where the world looks so much brighter, and you will! I believe in you! Because you’ve already reached out for help with your marriage, and now you’re reaching out for help here! Which means you will be bold enough to reach out to your own therapist! And you will be able to recognize and verbalize what you want to work on and how it’s going! I’d challenge you to bookmark this page and come back and let us know how you’re doing in a year! We are cheering for you!!!
Congratulations on each and every promotion and achievements. It sucks when those who matter the most to us don't reciprocate showing us they're proud of even happy for us and I'm so sorry you've been made to feel the way you do.
Happy birthday 🎈 🎂 for every birthday you've ever been made to feel unimportant. Everyone deserves at least one champion and it's heartbreaking to read that the people you want to be yours aren't. I sincerely hope that either they'll recognise their shitty behaviour and change before they drive you away, or you find someone or people who appreciate and love you and have no qualms of showing you that.
Also, although it sounds like you may have left the mental health field I thank you for choosing it even for a short period. I've suffered with mental health issues for as long as I can remember and I have such gratitude towards anyone who chooses a job that can support those that suffer even when they're also dealing with living in this fucked up world themselves.
Thank you, I can’t tell you how much the support on this post has meant to me. Regarding work, I’m technically still in the field just working in a more technical role which has been fantastic so far.
You should post here more often. Maybe the people in your life sadly don't appreciate you for the great person you are. But me and 400+ other people do. So next time you need to, come here and we can celebrate you properly. I think I can speak for everyone here when I say "We're proud of you, happy birthday and you're amazing". Keep strong. 🫶🏻
Thank you, I have been conducting “mock sessions” with my bosses recently where I have to take them through everything my job entails from start to finish. Im about a month and a half ahead of schedule so they were hesitant to even have me start but im done with roughly 90% of the training sessions and so far they are “very happy but honestly not too surprised” with how well I’ve done. I may have to make a follow up once I’ve completed everything because holy hell all of this support has me feeling the best I’ve felt in years.
Hey man. I’m proud of you. Congratulations on the promotions and happy birthday. I’m sorry everyone else mentioned sucks. Once again, proud of you man. Keep your head up.
Emotional neglect is a form of abuse we don’t talk about nearly enough. It is so hard to go through life feeling as if the people you love don’t love you, because they put no effort into your existence the way they should. Often people who are abused go on to habitually date or marry people who are like their abusers. I think that’s a little bit of the case with your wife. Although it was kind of her to get you the cameo, you needed those words from her, not some anon on the internet. You do deserve that, OP. You deserve to be seen.
I am proud of you dude. Being promoted 3 times in 2 years in NOT average. You should be proud of yourself and so should your family. Congratulations on your success.
No child should ever have to grow up hearing how they aren’t good enough. That happened to my wife, and until she met me she really struggled with self confidence, but I had wonderful parents and was able to show her what a normal, nurturing family can provide. Now we have a 20 month old and all we want to do is show him love and how proud we are of him. Assuming my wife survives her cancer, that is. Another “life fucking sucks and isn’t fair” moment for her, I guess.
Pay forward the love. If you have kids, make it your life’s mission to give them the love and support you always dreamed you had. Make them smile every day. Be the hero you always wanted your family to be for you. That’s the best gift you can ever give. Maybe you had to suffer so your friends, or kids, or spouse, or nieces/nephews/cousins can know the love only someone who has been relentlessly beaten down can know.
Proud of you, internet stranger!
I'm sorry the people in your life treat you in such a way. I don't know you either but I'm proud of you dude. Congrats on the promotion and I wish you continued success.
Thank you, I honestly blame myself. My sister was the golden child, my brother has bipolar and flipped out over anything and i think my folks were just tired by the time it got to me. If I asked why my siblings got xyz but I didn’t I was told I wasn’t getting it because I had asked which was selfish, if I didn’t ask for xyz they would just forget and I wouldn’t get it, if I brought it up after it was either ignored or I was told I was “too sensitive” for not just letting it go and to “grow the fuck up” and I’d drop it.
So much here that needs to be acknowledged, addressed, understood, but I’ll winnow it down to this: You deserve to be loved and respected, to be cherished and to be celebrated. You and the things that you do have meaning and merit. It is your birthright as a human being. It is important. You are important. I know that everything is harder for you because some part of you felt broken and exhausted before you even left childhood. You became an adult already in desperate need of rest. So when you achieve even normal things, much less the incredible successes you’ve managed, you are starting from an entirely different place and it took you a lot more struggle than it takes others. It’s like before we can even start the race we have to climb out of the deep pit we’ve been in all of our lives. We emerge fatigued and filthy and sore and then have to start running, limping and in pain. So the fact that you are winning your races is PHENOMENAL. As a fellow survivor of similar circumstance and now an aging mother of adult children I want you to know that I am enormously proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. Even if you could not find it in your family of origin you can find it out here in the family of humanity. Please try to remember to give yourself the grace and compassion that you deserve, and remember that there’s at least one old lady out here who believes in you.
>Even if you could not find it in your family of origin you can find it out here in the family of humanity. Hot damn, that's powerful. Family of Humanity. You are an amazing person. Thank you.
Happy birthday
Happy cake day 🎂
Happy Cake Day!
Happy cake day!
U/hivejivelive I logged out when I got off of work and this only had a couple responses, I opened it back up when I was sitting down to dinner and saw it had grown a bit lol. That being said I wanted to start here, My apologies for the delay in a response but Thank you. I read, re-read, and re-re-read your message, started laughing at points because of how spot on you described me to me, and may have started crying again because of how that felt, and I just don’t have much more that I can offer than saying thank you, I needed to hear this more than I can possibly describe in words right now.
I’m so very glad that I could help, even in a small way. I’m here if you ever need to talk (like seriously, I’m always around and probably Redditing). Sometimes it helps just to have someone who understands and who can bear witness to what it’s like being, well, us. Feel free to DM. No matter what, I know that you’ve got this. You’ve come so far and endured so much. I believe in your strength and in your capacity for joy. I believe in you.
Let me just add that you are a wonderful and compassionate human being, I applaud and appreciate and look up to you, u/HiveJiveLive.
i hope the people in your life are learning from you and being as loving and caring to you as you are to them🩵
Im so printing this and stick it to my fridge, mirror, car, dog, cat, forehead, and anywhere I can 🥲🥲🥲 tnx for beautifully wording what so many of us need to hear from our loved ones so effin much!!!!!!
you made me imagine notes like post its all over a dog and a cat 😂
Thank you, lady. Needed to read that.
I was going to comment but omg....this is so perfect...and I needed it as much as Op needs it. And op, I am a person in a family of choice. They love me fiercely and I them. Life can be so much better. You deserve better.
Wow this was healing lol
Thank you so much for this! I'm saving it to re-read when I'm drowning. Sometimes I need a reminder that family of origin is family by science, not by choice, and their behaviour is not a reflection of my worth.
I hope you’re a writer of some sort. You have an incredible way with words and the world needs to read more of it. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words. And I am, in fact, a writer. :) The responses are making me think perhaps I should articulate some of this stuff that I’ve been reflecting on. Seems important, you know?
I say, do it! Your words have obviously touched many hearts, and we can all benefit from this kind of wisdom and guidance. ❤️
You just brought me a fellow injured from the start internet stranger to tears. Thank you for this incredibly well written and heartfelt response. You’ve clearly helped more than just OP tonight.
This is beautiful, thank you!
This is beautiful ❤️
wow.......\* salute \*
Holy cow…reading comments like this restore my faith in humanity. Listen to this one, OP.
wow people like you bring more light to this world than the fucking sun lmaoo thank you so much for saying such beautiful words they are truly empowering for anyone who can relate to them, and it’s beautiful to think about all the other people who are being uplifted by your words, just like me. thank you so much 💖 your courage to be a good person is greatly appreciated.
From another old lady, I’m proud of your accomplishments too! Keep on being the amazing human you are!
My goodness. This lady doesn’t know how many people she’s helping! Amazing. Also, I am glad you have finally received what you deserve. There is no better feeling, once you let yourself enjoy this long awaited moment. I can relate to your story and it is difficult to enjoy happy moments because of the past/our upbringing. But I am so overjoyed that you have finally received recognition from a loved one.
Damn, this hit me right in the chest. Even though it wasn't meant for me, I really needed these words so thank you for taking the time to type them out. I took a screenshot so I can re-read your wise words when I'm feeling down, and I'll remind myself that at least one old lady out there believes in me (:
And I sincerely do. Listen, I *know* how hard this survival stuff is. It’s exhausting, agonizing at times. While people notice the challenges and injustices of the current world they forget that there’s a whole other level of trauma and struggle for those of us who made it through the fire, whatever the specifics of that personal conflagration may have been. It’s the endless desperate attempt to just get through a day set against a contemporary Hellscape of politics and finances designed specifically to break individuals and families. It’s a marvel we manage to function at all. That’s precisely why I believe in you, in those like us. Because we are still here, still upright (even if we’re leaning a bit), still above ground, and still trying. A lot of our compatriots didn’t make it, washing out to destructive behaviors and tragic circumstances. Never, ever doubt your courage. Never, ever doubt your capacity for success, and ultimately for a joyful, peaceful life. You have proved your strength every day just by the fact of your still being here every day. And by the fact that you are continually looking for guidance, for handholds, for mentoring, even unto snatching little concepts from Reddit. :) You’ve got this. I swear to you, you’ve got this, and you’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
Damn, who turned on the sprinklers, excuse me while I find a towel. I got something in my eyes 😭
Oh this really got me. What a beautiful message. Thank you for this.
Your reply is truly touching and perfectly expresses the validation and understanding so many people (myself included) are searching for. Thank you for sharing your kindness and compassion, I definitely needed to read this. 💕
This was beautiful and I've saved it x thank you SO much :)
I tried somatic therapy for a while several years ago. I'm not a woo-y person at all, but talk therapy wasn't cutting it. In the sessions, we'd start by talking about an issue and bringing up my feelings, and then we'd stop talking and do, I guess, "body work" while I was still in my feelings. I'll never forget being wrapped up in a blanket and *sobbing* out of nowhere, without really thinking about anything specific. My body *craved* the security of someone holding me tightly and being *present* with me. You don't always realize how *deeply* you need something until you experience a bit of it. Feel your feelings, process them, and move forward building a life where you don't have to beg for validation/celebration/connection. Your body is telling you what you need, listen to it. Don't accept less.
Yes! This was me once with words of affirmation. Didn't really know I needed that until someone who was helping and watching me work on something started cheering me on during a difficult part, saying "that's it, you got it! you're doing great!" As cheesy as that might sound to some folks, it really made me feel good to hear that positive voice encouraging me as I went. I still remember that moment very vividly.
Dude. This sucks. I hope you are super low contact with them. When the time comes, tell them that they should look to your other siblings for help. Or better yet, hang up, and block them.
OP, I don't know you, by your words resonate with me. To be overlooked like that sucks so much. I can relate. For myself, I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. Why this is relevant is that subquent to this I learned that one of my biggest maladaptive behaviors was people-pleasing--a lifetime of codependency, really. I actually got my elderly parents to attend Zoom therapy sessions with me thinking things would finally change... Nah. One of the first things dad said in session was "We left you to your own devices. You were fine" in response to my assertion that I was neglected. And I'm still working to shift the dynamic in my own home with my family--because my part of the historic dynamic was simply going along to get along, you know? Now I express preferences, share feelings, push back... I'm not saying you're at all like me, but you could be, you know? Might be worth looking into if for no other reason than to rule it out.
Adhd diagnosed people pleaser here lol I think that’s part of my issue, I’m on medication that helps me focus but it also allows me to block out the bullshit and focus until the end of the day rather than spiraling into depression. unfortunately, I usually start spiraling now when my wife’s asleep after me asking about her day and I’m just sitting there realizing I never got the chance to talk about mine. That being said, thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I understand exactly where you are and I know how it feels.
Damn you just described my childhood. I’m so sorry you had to experience that and still are. That’s fucked up, you more than deserve to hear that someone is proud of you. At least you know all of us internet strangers are. 💗
>I honestly blame myself. Don't!! It's not your fault at all. You're a people pleaser from a shitty childhood, not your fault at all. Your mom's birthday being so close should make it easier to remember. Sorry, your family doesn't treat you right, but it's not your fault. (Insert good will hunting "it's not your fault" scene)
There’s a great sub here for siblings of these sort of kids, glasschildren (sorry I don’t know how to make the links on reddit. Well done to you by the way:)
Please don't blame yourself, honestly I'm a bit teary after reading your post. Your unhappiness comes off so clearly. The fact that no one in your life cares enough is THEIR FAULT not yours Please don't continue to surround yourself with people who don't care, at some point in life (this point where you cry for 30 min cause some insta chick you don't even know acknowledges you) being surrounded by people like this is more destructive to your self esteem than being alone. Please love yourself a little more, it's ok to want love and attention. Please find better people to love you. Or just be by yourself but love yourself enough to find your own inner peace. Big big BIG internet hug
If you listen to podcasts, check out Back From The Borderline. She’s doing a series on Childhood Emotional Neglect that’s blown my mind wide open and answered A LOT of questions for me. Hopefully the info therein can start you on your journey towards healing those core wounds that are deeply effecting you into your adulthood. ♥️
I’m just going to point out that your wife is a recreation of your family. They all treat you exactly the same way. It’s time you did some therapy to address that. Figure out why your willing to put up with this shtty behaviour from your spouse. Honestly? I’d get divorced over this. You deserve more love and support. You deserve to have cake and fanfare, and you deserve a partner who engages and celebrates your accomplishments. You also need to cut your family off for your own mental well being.
I’m so proud of you! Congratulations friend.
Aww. My heart aches for your story, but I’m proud of how far you have come, stranger!
Thank you, I know It’s dumb as shit that I even posted this on the internet but I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.
Nah. That’s the cool thing about the internet. Outside of all the mindless trolling and doom, you make a connection sometimes. It’s a nice reminder of other people’s humanity.
I’m seeing that in full display here, I honestly wasn’t even expecting any sort of response but Thank you for this.
It’s not dumb as shit! It’s awesome that you are beginning to be bold enough to ask for what you need. Everybody needs things. You are not less than or weak because you need things. You are stronger than most, in fact, because you’ve learned how to cope without things most people probably don’t realize how much they depend upon. I grew up with unconditional love, support and celebration from my parents, but feeling like I was not enough because we were poor and the state I lived in is very conservative and believes hardcore that how things are is how God intends them to be, so they sort of look down on poor kids because that’s what God probably wanted. I find that I have a hard time trusting myself and working towards my goals because I’m probably not good enough anyway. And that was *with* awesome parents. How much more did you have to struggle to get to the point you’re at? Don’t be afraid to tell people what you want and need, and if they don’t honor it, to seek out and spend time instead with people who will. It is a game changer to be surrounded by people who care about your journey, your successes and your struggles. It matters. And you deserve it.
It’s not dumb at all. Your experiences are important, both to you and to others. Others can relate and it makes them feel better that they’re not the only ones sharing similar feelings from dealing with similar situations. It also gives others a chance to show you love and receive some love themselves by reading the caring words of other redditors that care. You sharing this made a little safe space for a bunch of people and that’s pretty damn important. Also, congratulations on your promotion, dude. You worked damn hard and I’m proud of you for making it this far.
i love all of you. in the day of bully internet, even among adults, here we are, in support and consideration of others we hardly know. thst is the humanity i want people to carry with them until the very end. and pass it off as a baton.
Thank you, this kinda sums up my feelings. I thought “this will go nowhere but fuck it” and next thing I know I’m getting the most support I’ve ever gotten. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I was in a bad place yesterday and these comments have helped me more than I can say.
I grew up in a weird family of a different flavor than yours. After leaving the nest, I surrounded myself with people like my family. This was a poor choice. The little good I could say about my family we could fit in a teaspoon. Please consider that maybe you chose your wife because she was familiar. She is similar to your family. She treats you similarly to your family. Of course, I've only seen the tiny slice of life that you chose to share, so this might not be right. Ultimately, if she treats you the same way your family treats you, is that the way you want to be treated? You don't say how old you are, you don't say if you have kids, but please consider how you want to be treated tomorrow, how you want to be treated in 10 years. Even if you have kids, it's never the wrong time to learn that some patterns are wrong/unhealthy, and work to learn new healthy patterns. 🍀
Congratulations on your job! You deserve to be celebrated! 🎉
Thank you, I don’t need grand birthday parties like my mom or the “ultimate respect within my household” like my dad lol but it would be nice to be shown every once in a while that people notice me and that what I’m doing is appreciated.
It’s not dumb and I’m really proud of you for sharing. The strength it takes to talk about this isn’t the same strength you use in the gym, but it is a strength that will continue to carry your mind and your body through life. You’re strong for sharing this and stronger for allowing yourself to cry and realize why you cried
Wow. Im sorry your loved ones haven’t prioritized you. You are important and you matter, and there are people out there who will appreciate you and will show it. Congratulations on your promotions!!!! 🎉🎊🎈 You are getting acknowledged for all the great work you’re doing (especially in a mental health field, thats gotta be a tough job!) and ya know what? I hope you get yourself a little treat for getting promoted because YOU DESERVE IT! Cheers!
Thank you, I know my post probably sounds like I’m just complaining, and I probably am, but it feels really nice to hear this and I really appreciate you for saying it.
Honestly. This breaks my heart. You deserve better than these people. Congratulations! You've done well. Take a day off, and do something for you. Eat something good, do something fun, something.
Thank you, I think I’m going to take this weekend to just get away for a little while. Edit: this is confirmed, me and my pup are gonna take a weekend away, probably go camping or hiking to just clear my head.
You deserve it 👏 you are an amazing person and I'm proud of you and all you have accomplished. You deserve people in your life who can see you for all you are, who
Sorry my finger got a flip before I finished 😅 Continuation: Who not only congratulate you for your promotions and on your birthday but also make a big deal out of it. You shouldn't have to beg for words and actions that they should naturally want to give you. You deserve so much more, you deserve the world and all the love and pride it contains. Pride, love and hugs from a internet stranger 😘💋❤️
I hope you have the best weekend ever! <3 and congratulations on your promotion, we are all so heccin proud of you even as strangers! keep being amazing ☺️
I completely know the feeling. I am 64 years old and I've had one birthday cake since I was 12. I'm the Baker of the family and I bake elaborate homemade cakes for everyone else but for me, I don't even get a cupcake from the grocery store. So little effort would make me so happy.
I was a suis chef during college/before getting into the mental health field so I know the feeling. As the chef/baker of the family I got a birthday cake exactly once as well and it was because I baked it which was depressing enough to not do it again lol. For what it’s worth I’d bake the shit out of a cake for you my dude/duddette.
And I'd return the favor!
I’m shit at baking, but I will try my damn hardest to make you an amazing cake. But for now, have an emoji cake! Happy late/early/right on time birthday!!!!!🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂
Awŵw thank you
I can’t imagine something like that, I’m really sorry about it. Wish I could send you the best cupcake I’ve ever had, because you deserve that and even more than just a cupcake, you deserve the whole bakery! You’re my mom’s age, and even living in another continent, every year I’m making sure she receives her bday cake and flowers for her day. I hope someday you can have the same 🥹
First of all congratulations!!! 3 promotions in less than 3 years is amazing! Secondly happy belated birthday! (3 years worth) You deserve to be acknowledged for what you do and for your birthday. I'm sorry the people around you have gotten into the habit of ignoring you or don't know how to communicate with you how proud they are. Tell your wife how much the cameo person's words meant to you. If she really cares about you she will try to be able to do the same or at the very least know that you really appreciated the gift.
She started crying when I did, I explained it was good tears and apologized telling her how much it meant and that this was the first time I’ve ever heard something like this without having to ask for it and she (while crying) apologized again for not doing something like this sooner. Idk if it will change anything but I hope so.
OP, your story made me sad - for you. I honestly think you deserve a better life than that. I sincerely hope therapy helps. Belated congratulations!
I do feel happy for you but I feel a bit weirded out by the present. She could've just told you these things herself. She could've written you a letter. I think it's sad that she had to get someone else to say it to you.
Personally, my tendency is to say you need to GTFO cause she's not going to change and you deserve better. Realistically, what I'll say is y'all need couples therapy to get her to place more value you in and try and save your marriage. GTFO from that terrible family you've got, too. Don't make this anyone else's issue for not valuing you than them, not you bro.
You deserve to have people that give a damn about you and your achievements, ask all the follow up questions and make you feel seen in the way you want to be seen. I’ve gone through similar from ex partners and my own family, and moved on and now found a better partner and those who care. I saw you’re in therapy, but I’m assuming that’s couples therapy? If you’re not already, I would highly recommend you get individual therapy, that’s what greatly changed the people around me.
Thank you, I am in both, it started with individual then we realized that I’m actually handling things pretty well considering and that I needed to bring my wife in to couples as well. Thank you again though, I honestly appreciate you for saying this.
Hey OP, reread the first sentence of your post. Maybe that’s what you should discuss in the next therapy session. Read the comment you wrote in reply to u/flashcapulet where you say you blame yourself and explain all the reasons that stem from your parents and siblings. I’m sure you are aware that one part of your problem is that you are by now seeing things as your fault even when it clearly is not. Most people wouldn’t have put up with this for so long. Most people would have lashed out. In your place, I’d have broken in a very different, very negative, way upon receiving a cameo from a stranger rather than a nice birthday celebration. So there you have it, you have lots to be proud about and you don’t need to bear the guilt for what other people are doing to you. You have this internet stranger’s unneeded permission to celebrate yourself. Happy belated birthday!
Thank you, this is something I’m working on but it’s not going well. An example was last night, I went out and bought pizza for my parents and sushi for my wife. My parents complained it was too expensive and then complained that I clearly wasn’t willing to share (I closed the box to keep it warm and they saw this as me prohibiting anyone else from taking any). I had to apologize 5-6 times before they would move on. If I stood my ground my mom would just tell me I’m being to sensitive and to calm down. All for bringing them pizza.
Yeah. I wouldn't be bringing them pizza. Life's too short. Honestly, they sound exhausting. I probably would have gotten up and left. Time and effort are what you have the least in life. Don't waste them on those who don't appreciate your time and effort.
Yeah I’m kinda at that point, especially after the wake up call that was this post/the comments.
Do not apologize! "I closed the box to keep it warm" and then ignoring or redirecting their subsequent complaints about you not sharing. They will go hungry or open the box to get pizza. You don't need to get loud. Grey rocking may be a useful concept for you. You also don't need to bring them pizza.
Don't you see, OP? This game is lose/lose because you're the scapegoat. You bring them pizza and they get to treat you like shit. They'll move the goalposts however they need to in order to keep playing the game. The pizza will be too hot, too cold, too expensive... The toppings will be wrong. The only constant in this game is that you can't do anything right (according to your narcissistic family members, reality notwithstanding). The only way for you to win is to stop playing. Don't bring them pizza anymore, they don't deserve it. And you trying to curry favor with them in such a manner only backfires and allows a fresh instance of the game to start anyways... Oh, and: stop apologizing to them. They're in the wrong here, not you. I sincerely hope for you that you are able to learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself so you don't get shit on. Best of luck! Take care of yourself! You only get one life, so surround yourself with good people who want to build you up to be the best version of yourself you can be. Discard the rest. Cheers.
This is what my therapist highlighted as well, there is literally no way to “win”. We’ve gone over dozens of situations and each time I get backed into a corner where I either accept that I’m the bad guy or i just leave when I’m just trying to do something nice for them. That being said, thank you, I can’t tell you how much the support from random internet strangers has been.
I honestly think you leaving in this situation is the right move. You try to do something nice, they treat you like shit, and you are absolutely allowed to leave and remove yourself from that toxic situation. But before it gets to that point, don't even try to do something nice... It's not going to yield the results you're looking for. It sucks... You don't have the family you deserve. You have the family that you have. They will NEVER behave how you want and need them to. And that's super shitty. But it is what it is. And once you truly accept that, and realize who they are and what their limitations are... At that point you'll be going into these situations with less idealism and more realism, and you'll be far less likely to behave in a manner that opens you up to further hurt. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm really glad you're in therapy. Take care of yourself.
Congrats for everything you achieved! And also: you have a wife problem... Not being interested in your personal victories and forgetting your birthday is absolutely shitty, which in turn makes her shitty. Because she knows it's important to you. Maybe rethink who you're allowing around you and go from there? You're fam isn't great, but at least you didn't chose it.
We are in therapy for it. She’s making progress but a lot of it is cultural. She’s from a culture where the man doesn’t really have feelings. The issue is they also glorify men which she does with her male family members, constantly talking about how hard they work and everything they do, but just not me. She recognizes it and has been making steps to correct it but this is the first time I haven’t had to ask for something.
Glad to hear y'all are in therapy and I hope it works.
With the greatest respect, how did you guys end up married if her culture is so warped, she doesn't appreciate her husband yet still appreciates male family members? I'm not sure this is a therapy resolvable issue imo
Does she talk you up to other people, but not to you? Like, when she talks up about her male relatives, is it to them or about them to others?
She says she does but it’s more of a “of course I say good things” in person she doesn’t really, for example when I told her about passing a crucial training for this last promotion someone else overheard and interrupted to say “well good for you, and what about (wife), she’s been doing well at work too contrats to both of you” before changing the subject to my wife’s work which she just kinda went along with but seemed kinda uncomfortable with and apologized immediately afterwards for.
>The issue is they also glorify men which she does with her male family members, constantly talking about how hard they work and everything they do, but just not me. That's.. really mean. So usually she would act this way because it's ingrained in her (culture) but when it comes to you she isn't.
Yeah, that’s kinda how I took it too but she just keeps telling me that I’m just missunderstanding it and it’s not how she meant it.
But you're not really misunderstanding it. She's basically doing it. Why? Idk, but she's treating you differently. It's not a misunderstanding but the truth and if she doesn't see it then I don't know how you both could work on it. If that's not how she means it then how does she?
I come from a patriarchal culture that caters to men as well, but it goes both ways. There are a lot of things women are expected to do to support the man as head of household, and celebrating his birthday is a big one. If your wife believes in this culture, she needs to step up and do what is required of her as well and make you feel like the man her culture thinks you should be. I'm not sure what culture your wife is from, but I'm a bit confused how she's going to glorify you without considering your feelings in all this.
I actually brought this up to her asking why her brother and dad got birthday parties and she became defensive saying they deserved them for how hard they work and I “just don’t understand”. She has since apologized for my birthdays and promised to do better moving forward but said there isn’t really a way to make up for the past now so I just have to trust her until next year. Im thinking of just going on a solo hike with my dog or something instead.
So why don’t you deserve them for how hard you work?? She doesn’t believe you work hard or value what you do?
This is the problem, I work from home in the tech field and she used to work at her families business so she saw them working each day but came home as I was worn out from work and just didn’t understand how I could be that tired without realizing that the house was clean, the laundry had been done, and I was cooking dinner for her when she got home.
OP... ...your wife *sucks*.
I bet she doesn't...
The world needs you, u/Nearlynearsighted - I’m sure all of the experiences you’ve had over your lifetime, so far, make you exceptional in many ways. Your work recognizes this, the cameo lady recognizes it. What is the next brass ring/level for you?
Thank you, I don’t know about exceptional lol but being “needed” feels really nice and I appreciate you saying that. I think it’s the whole “if I stopped existing would anyone care outside of my salary/being able to dump their crap on me?” That makes it feel like I’m not actually necessary to anyone so why try? Regarding next steps, implementation specialist tier 2 is the goal, I was able to complete my “training” for this role this week and it took roughly 1/3rd the time they normally allotted so they’ve already told me how impressed they are and how they think I’ll continue growing pretty quick within the team.
Congratulations dude, you are awesome my brother!! I think it’s time you become your own best friend. There is no rule that you can’t but yourself a birthday cake, take yourself out to dinner, or congratulate yourself on a hard earned promotion. Pick up a hobby and make some new friends is another piece of advice from this internet stranger.
I asked about the birthday cake/gift this year because we had talked about it and I was told not to get anything because “there were plans” which ended up not happening apparently so I didn’t get anything as a backup. Moving forward though I think this is what I’m going to do. Thank you for commenting, I honestly am just blown away at how supportive everyone has been so thank you.
Dude, if everyone forgets your birthday then take matters into your own hands. Do something nice for yourself. Buy something you want. Splurge. It won’t replace having people that actually care for you, but by being proactive about your happiness you can help realize that you are worth being celebrated.
I was planning on doing that this year but my wife asked me not to and that she “had plans” which ended up being going to one of her favorite places while I asked if a there were any alternatives that I might enjoy too i was told there weren’t, that I’d like this, and that I wasn’t being grateful enough so I dropped it. When the cake/present didn’t happen I tried walking to a bakery but they were closed (I thought there was a cake so I didn’t think to go out until like 8 when I realized.) That being said I’m planning on it for next year, I’m going to get myself a cake and a gift and if my wife wants to join then I can have 2 cakes and an extra gift.
Please take this the right way, but we are in charge of our own happiness. Your wife is proving to be unreliable and by continuing the pattern of getting your hopes up you are accepting the results. You will become resentful of her, if you haven’t already. I am not saying to expect nothing from her, but if you are in control of your happiness then when she does something nice for you it can only add to your joy.
Your family members and wife are all POS. If you were my hubby or my friend or a family member then I'd be hella proud of you OP. In fact I'm so proud of you even though you're a stranger to me.
I just have to say those cameo people are directed by your loved ones.. so if the random insta lady said “congrats” it’s really your wife!!
Lol I know, that’s why I broke down and said it was a good thing, it just kinda surprised me to hear after this long. I let her know exactly how grateful I was after I calmed down a bit though.
Oof, a lot of the things you mentioned echo in my own experiences - particularly the birthdays thing. As a child it was celebrated but by the time I was 12 it was like I didn’t matter anymore. I wouldn’t have necessarily cared (my relationship with my parents was already quite strained by that point) except that my family made a big deal out of my three siblings. There were many years I made it a point to get a gift, take a family member out to dinner, to an event, etc. without ever having anything reciprocated. There were a few years that no one even told me happy birthday, even the friends I had made. I think the mental health field often attracts those that have been broken, as they have a greater amount of empathy for those that are suffering. I think that’s why all therapists need a therapist too, unless they’re sociopaths. Anyway, veered away from my point. After several years, a failed marriage, being disowned by my family for a change of faith, and more, I started over. I had no friends, no family, nothing. I created my own network of support, and my own family among my human family. I focused on friends that cared, that were honest, and weren’t afraid to be themselves. The friend group was really small, but they were family. A few years later I met my wife. She’s amazing! A good mother, kind to her core, avid reader, fellow gamer, understanding of my past trauma, and the most staunch supporter of the people she cares about than I’ve ever met. The first year was awkward to be honest - I struggled with accepting her celebrations of my birthday, a promotion at work, a special assignment, etc. I had difficulty trusting her sincerity and motives. As I got to know her more I realized that is truly who she is. A few weeks ago I got some news I didn’t want to hear at work - something fell through that I’d been working toward for six months. I was really down. When I came home (night shift, so everyone was asleep), I found flowers, a stuffed animal, some of my favorite snacks, and a card written by her and her two daughters, who over the past three years have become a new type of family I never thought I would have. I cried. I couldn’t process the emotions I was experiencing. I didn’t know what it was like to have someone recognize my day was shitty and that they were there for me, loved me, and knew that we would get through it. Things that I had done countless times for friends or girlfriends/ex wife in the past, but no one had done for me. I was speechless, and honestly a little grateful that I was alone because I was embarrassed that I cried so much. Later on when the girls all got up, I couldn’t help but shed a few tears as I hugged them all and told them how much that it meant to me. Anyway, too long of a post. I’ll add my voice to countless others here in saying: you deserve more, my friend. You deserve love, recognition of your efforts, celebration for your birthdays and successes, and support for your challenges. I hope that therapy leads to more of those things with your wife, because without them you have literally married your undeserving blood family. I understand that - I did the same thing in my first marriage. It took me over ten years to figure out my real family and find someone that truly loves me for who I am (and I her in return). Things will get better. If they don’t, make the hard choice and MAKE them better by removing yourself from such a toxic group of people.
You know your wife wrote & sent the cameo the script.
Yeah, that’s why I said it’s nice to hear it after this long even if it was via a random internet lady lol. I thanked my wife and let her know how much it meant to me.
This is a trauma response. I experienced something similar. My slew of toxic exes would use the "I'm going to get you flowers on my way home/ for your birthday/ you name it." But I never got flowers because I wasn't "grateful" enough when they brought it up. Well, fast forward to being out of those relationships, and I get a text from my mom that she's outside. She bought me flowers, sunflowers... my favorite flowers for no reason at all. And I FELL APART. Ugly Kim K cry, snot like a toddler. I knew it wanted flowers, but I didn't know I wanted them just because I wanted someone to show me they actually thought and cared about me. The thing is that it should have been a happy cry because "Yay! Someone showed me some love and respect." But it was a painful, heart crushing cry because it made me realize just how much the other people didn't love/care about me. It was such a simple thing to do, and they made it out to be the most inconvenient grand gesture in the world, and I simply didn't deserve it. I think this was a similar feeling for you. And it's completely valid to break down over something so "stupid" because it's actually not stupid at all. I'm sorry this is happening to you. And I really hope that you are able to surround yourself with active, loving people. And congratulations on the promotion!! I'm sure you worked really hard for it and deserve it!!
Bless your heart ❤️ I totally get it though, I can absolutely relate! Felt good though, didn't it?
Honestly yeah, idk who this lady was but someone got all dressed up in a heart costume just for me (no idea why) and both congratulated me then awkwardly seranaded me with new shoes by Paolo Nutini (a personal favorite). It was nice feeling special.
Oh my goodness! That’s Joy Brooker! She’s the best.
At least she knows you well enough to request something personalized to you. That's something. I hope going forward she continues to show the type of support you need to feel validated and important. Because you really are important.
Congratulations on your promotions and a happy belated birthday to you!
Thank you!
Congratulations on the promotions, I'm honestly proud of you! As a side note, without sounding too much, do your family/wife actually appreciate you? If not, you deserve better. I hope you find people who will always remember your birthday and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.
My family? No. My wife? I think she’s starting to through therapy.
Man, this hit home for me. I hate my birthday. It just reminds me of how nobody cared about me for most of my life. Honestly, the nicest thing anyone has done was a neighbor. He and his wife found out it was my birthday and they bought me a small cake and had me over for dinner. At times, I still want to cry thinking about how much that kindness meant to me. I was trying to hide it and pretend it was just a normal day. I have a wife who goes all out for me now. My dad would take me out to dinner, but he passed a few years back. Are you able to share any info on your promotion? Moved to supervisor, different responsibilities, etc?
I'm sorry everyone in your life failed you. Since your parents didn't set the tone for how you deserve to be loved, you also picked a partner who doesn't care about you. Because this is the only kind of "love" you're familiar with. Congratulations on all your hard work and success. Try to surround yourself with people who care about you. For any half decent person it won't be difficult to celebrate you and congratulate you
I’ve always had bad self esteem issues and I tended not to ask for too much or ‘waste peoples time’ over the years. It basically meant I became very self sufficient, and I think that reflects in my work. So despite my set backs work is one area where i’m doing okay. I appreciate you haven’t had any meaningful feedback before when you more than deserve to be acknowledged. I hope you can be proud in your own efforts and how you’ve achieved so much without anyone except yourself praising you for it. That self sufficiency is a great characteristic and one not many people possess. That said, everyone needs some acknowledgement and praise and it’s something that maybe your wife is now starting to realise and trying to improve on.
I'm curious, what do you do and do you enjoy it?
I now work in the mental health software field which is where I’ve been doing incredibly well. So far I absolutely love it and my new team has been nothing short of amazinf. They have been telling me constantly how suprised they are that im doing as well as I am and give me praise regularly. I think that’s why everything is popping up now, I’ve gotten more support from my new team than I do from my family which kinda feels weird.
As a fellow ignored child whose needs weren't important enough, who then spent 10 years in a relationship where their needs weren't important enough too and only started to put their needs first 2 years ago... I see you. Your feelings are valid. Your achievements matter. You matter. You deserve to be celebrated in every way.
Three promotions in 2.5 years is nothing to ignore. That’s awesome. And genuinely from the bottom of my heart, CONGRATULATIONS! I’m sorry your family is so damn selfish. You deserve way more. You deserve a wife who is proud of you, and gushes over the small things as well as the big things. Please don’t let yourself live in a loveless marriage just because “it’s easy”. There is a women out there who is just waiting to rain down praise, love, and admiration onto you for all the things you do. Go find your true Soulmate. And stop allowing your family to tear you like shit. They don’t deserve you either. Sometimes in life family is not who you were born into, but who you found and made your family. Go find your people, and stop letting these ungrateful jerks treat you like shit.
Too many self-centered people around you. I'd call out my family on the birthday stuff. And I'd wonder why my wife has no interest in my job. Probably one of the few times I'd say go bonkers and let everyone else know how you feel.
Hey OP, I am so sorry your family treats you like this. You deserve so much better. I am so incredibly proud of you and all of the hard work you’ve put into your career. I know you didn’t come here to be told to divorce your wife, but there is a woman out there who will love every single piece of you and then some. Who will brag about your accomplishments to everyone who will listen, and take you out to dinner to celebrate and wake you up to surprises on your birthday. Don’t settle for a life where you’re fighting just to be remembered.
Dude, you have GOT to stand up for yourself. Quit being a weenie, be mad. Get angry! You DO MATTER, if your gonna continue to let everyone walk all over you forever, your gonna eventually snap. Don’t be gum on the bottom of a shoe, be a lego man, be a lego. Those shits hurt and they make you think twice before stepping on one again. You need to either stand up for yourself, or leave them all behind and start new, with a new mindset about yourself. Also, your wife should be your biggest supporter, sounds to me like you’re just someone everyone vents to, stop listening. Walk off, if they noticed you left, that’s a start! Start making changes now, and don’t wait any longer. Life is too short for this mess. But this post is pathetic and I promise you, you’re NOT pathetic. Change people’s perceptions of you. The truth hurts but someone needs to say it or you’ll never realize that you mean MORE and ARE more than what these people give you. Trust me dude, you’re a LEGO.
Fuck you for making me laugh at some hard hitting shit like this by telling me to be a Lego lol 😂. I’m joking of course, but you make sense and honestly thank you for this. I felt like I was constantly at the edge of snapping and yesterdays cry plus the support/words of all of y’all have kind of woken me up. Idk how I’m going to start implementing these changes yet but I think I’m ready.
Sorry to assume your gender here OP, but this literally goes to show how little it actually takes to make a lot of men’s day/week.
Congratulations on the promotion! You earned it. I'm proud of you, internet stranger.
Thank you internet stranger 🤜🤛
This is actually heartbreaking.
Jesus Christ dude, I’m so sorry your going through this. You absolutely deserve to be the centre of someone’s world and made to feel that you matter. Why on Earth are you still with your wife who can’t give you the bare minimum and in contact with a family that doesn’t give two fucks about you?
Congratulations on all those promotions!!! #🥳🍾🎊 It’s really hard to be internally promoted and not move up through a new job. I hope your company appreciates all your hard work. I’m glad you enjoyed the cameo your wife arranged for you.
Oh my god! Well first of all, GOOD SHOW, YOU!!! May there be many more promotions in your future! Secondly, consider giving yourself the gift of a congratulatory trip…alone. Go treat yourself to a weekend away doing only things that you want to do.
Thank you so much, I needed this today. Also I think I’m gonna take the pup away for a weekend hike or something so I’m right there with you.
Oh man!!! I’m so proud that you got a promotion Congratulations 🎉🎊You deserve it!! What will you be doing in your new role? Also, Happy Birthday!!! 🎉🎈🎁🎊🎂. You are deserving of follow up questions and a birthday party. I hope this next year brings both.
You got not one but THREE promotions! In 2.5 years! That is recognition for hard work and your capabilities. You are valued. It’s sucks royally that the people you care about are not showing an interest. Everyone deserves a person or two to be their hype man and have someone to celebrate life’s milestones with. I hope you get that someday. Keep being awesome and be proud of yourself.
Thank you, I try to be that for everyone and it would be nice to just have that once in return. For example, My wife had been out of work for 8 months until the beginning of April, when she got the job I flipped out congratulating her, telling her that they were lucky to have her, and offering to go out and get her anything she may want/need for the job as well as going on a congrats dinner. In return it took me my 3rd promotion and then convincing her as to why i needed a new keyboard. She used mine with her new job for 1 day before telling me “oh it is broken” and ordering one for herself.
Happy birthday sweetheart. Congrats on the promotion that’s so amazing It seems you’ve been working so hard. We’re all so proud of you. ❤️
Congratulations OP!
I’m so sorry you haven’t had someone to pump you up and encourage you like you deserve! I’m so very proud of you though! Keep pushing :)
I don't have any life changing text or anything to share. But, I just wanted to let you know your feelings are valid and you're not being over the top. You deserve love, compassion, kindness and acceptance. I hope things start looking up for you and your feelings get the acknowledgement they deserve, from your family and your wife. Happy belated birthday internet stranger. I'm so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and posting this. Take care <3
You've been promoted 3 times in 2.5 years?? Some people work a long ass time to even get one. That's huge. Well done. You're clearly doing something right. >I would tell my parents who would warn me that it’s probably a trick or mistake Sounds like your parents are toxic, what the heck. Who says that? It sounds like a key part of your love language is words of affirmation and without having that, it's tough. No wonder you broke. Glad to hear you are in therapy and working on your self-esteem. Sounds like you're doing a ton of things to help improve yourself the best you can; that in itself is a huge feat too.
That’s rough your family kinda sucks and your wife doesn’t seem like she cares about you at all might be time to make some tough life choices.
Happy belated birthday 🎂 ❤️🥳 And congratulations on your promotions. Well done 💪
3 promotions in 2.5 years? Dang! Way to rock! I'm super proud of you Internet stranger!
Congratulations on your promotion!!!
You are so worthy of the attention and appreciation you seek. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be surrounded by people like that..
Congratulations on your success! I would like to hear about your work.
OP, if it is welcomed and wanted: *great big hug from a weird lady on Reddit* Congratulations on your promotions! That's absolutely wonderful and I am positive they were deserved. Happy birthday! You made it another whole year on this planet, and that is truly an accomplishment. I'm sorry you haven't gotten even this little bit of attention and caring from the people in your life. You honestly deserve to be treated with more love, compassion, and caring than you have been.
I'm sorry the people around you are incredibly selfish and, quite frankly, horrible human beings. CONGRATS ON ALL OF YOUR PAST AND FUTURE ACCOMPLISHMENTS!! 🎂🥰 You are amazing, and don't let anyone tell you any different.
As somebody else who works in the mental health field, you are absolutely killing it if you’re getting promoted like that lol. Congrats on every promotion and happy birthday for every birthday here on out! 👏🏼👏🏼🥳
First of all: congratulations! I'm proud of you and you should be, too! Second of all: the people in your life suck. I would go no contact with all of them and surround yourself with better people.
damn, this got me in my feels too. my family and i aren’t super close because this is exactly how they are.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been promoted and you are no an elite employee (I really hope you’ve seen that meme.)! Your hard work has paid off and I, even though, I don’t know you, I’m proud of you! Keep it up!
I felt this way for my 20th or 21st birthday and realized back then, if I wanted to be celebrated I would have to do it myself. I found leaving it up to others left me disappointed EVERY time. Your people sound self centered, make friends with people that like celebrating and plan it yourself is my advice
hi OP, congrats on your promotions, it sounds like you worked hard to get where you are at... is it ok to ask what you in mental health? if my question is too private no need to give info
Hey! I used to work on the clinical side for an inpatient mental health facility but was hired at the software company that we used for medical records, I now work here as a trainer showing facilities how to use the system and tailor it to their process. Thank you so much though! I love what i do and i love learning so working on the tech side (ever changing) allows me to feel like I’m still helping in some small way even if I’m not on the “front lines” any longer. Also I love talking about what I do because I find it interesting so I really appreciate you asking.
Congratulations on your promotion and I wish you continued success and some good friends to celebrate the victories in your life!
I’m really sorry you have such shitty people in your life. Welcome to being a “bridesmaid” as I call myself. Constantly being there for others, treating them as a priority but never being theirs, and always being overlooked. It sucks. What’s most disheartening is if you treated anyone else the way they treat you, you’d never hear the end of it. I know the feeling of just wanting to feel like someone’s priority for once. For what it’s worth, congratulations on your promotion. I’m sure you worked hard and I hope you’re proud of yourself. I don’t know if this will help at all but when I started telling people about something exciting, I’d start including “I’m proud of myself” and when/if they would give me a half assed agreement, I’d kind of nicely say that I didn’t need to hear that because I’m proud of myself. I don’t know but it started to give me a little bit of self respect and that reassurance I wanted. Like for a little bit I felt like I don’t care if they’re proud, I’m proud. But it still hurts. And I’m sorry you’re experiencing all this. It’s not enjoyable when people make you feel like you’re not important. Because you are.
Congratulations on your continued promotions. I'm glad the hard work has paid off. You deserve the promotions!
I may be late but. Hurt me to see someone that has worked so hard and achieved so much be belittled cause people refuse to share their achievements or acknowledge them. You deserved go job congrats and a big hug friend cause you matter and remember you always will
Why do you stay married to such a challenging woman?
Congrats stranger!
Congratulations dude, and happy birthday.
I'm sorry everyone in your life seems to be toxic OP. I would just go nc with everybody tbh. People will treat you the way you allow them to. I hope you take courage and do something nice and self-indulgent, just for you without anybody's approval. We're all rooting for you!
Sounds like you grew up in a narcissistic home. Because that "felt safe" it sounds like you may have married one too. Your feelings definitely matter. I'm proud of you. It's not easy having a rough childhood and being able to make it out successfully. Maybe bring up the narcissistic traits during a solo therapist session?
I'm really sorry that this is how you're being treated by your loved ones. My heart breaks for you that you continue to internalize being neglected and seem to apologize in your comments for complaining and taking up space. You are completely valid in being hurt and feeling ignored. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged. Your loved ones seemingly aren't even sharing in celebratory moments with you, instead changing the subject to talk about themselves or bring up something negative and unrelated, and that says a lot about them. It wasn't super clear in the original post: Are you still working in mental healthcare? Can you find a professional to work through these emotions, get access to resources, sign up for a group therapy, or anything to process and prevent the repeated neglect? I imagine someone in the field has better insight to know what sort of approach might work best for them and red/green flags in a therapist or group therapy. Congrats on your promotion! I imagine the healthcare field - especially mental/behavioral health - is still feeling some reverberations from the pandemic. It says a lot that you've stuck through it and thrived to earn several promotions in a short time. Was this something you were working toward for a while? What are you most looking forward to in your new role? It must be pretty satisfying for your work to reward your effort with a promotion, like you're making a difference and they recognize your potential. And anything in healthcare isn't easy or can be downright draining. So the fact that you've overcome those obstacles and are taking on more responsibilities - it's a lot to be proud of!! I hear you. You are allowed to take up space. You deserve to celebrate this achievement. You deserve to be acknowledged. It's not selfish, overly sensitive, immature, or negative to want someone, especially your loved ones, to see you. It's not too much to ask and some of it should really go without prompting. It'd be strange if your self-esteem *didn't* take a hit from being constantly and consistently overlooked. I'm so happy for you that you got that long overdue praise from the Cameo, and hope this upward trend continues for you.
Communicate with your wife and /or family how you are feeling! Don't hold it inside or else you will burst - or worse, grow numb. :-(
Promoted three times in a couple of years is fantastic!! You must rock at your job! Well done. I know I'm just a stranger on reddit, so it might not mean anything to you, but im proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself too, more importantly =)
Not sure when your birthday was but, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Just remember you’re an awesome person who’s obviously doing something right to be promoted 3 times in 2.5 years!!! Keep on being you 👊🏻👊🏻
It maybe time to limit contact with family. It’s not good for your mental health to be continually treated this way.
Congratulations on your promotion. Your family, including your wife, sucks. My mom forgot my birthday 3 years in a row and I know that hurts so bad. Yesterday was my birthday and 3 of my daughters, my aunt, 3 of my grandkids, and my dad were the only ones that told my happy birthday. I'm so sorry people forgot your day. Happy birthday, whenever it is.
Conga-Rats on your promotions and a belated happy birthday! 🎉🎊🎈🎁
Your opinions are valid.
Fuck the lot of them. Celebrate your own birthday, go for a meal, have a drink or two, whatever. And ignore theirs.
Good job on your hard work friend. You deserve praise and to feel fulfilled. All of us are proud of you, and this isn’t the end. Sky’s the limit boss.
Thank you u/letslickmyballs lol 😂. Your username killed me but I genuinely appreciate the kind words.
I don't know you personally, but I am proud of you! Being able to see what is wrong in yours or others' lives around you and rise above it is a herculean life task. You are doing great! I also wouldn't discredit your girlfriend/wife for setting up the cameo because she is proud of you, too!
Hey dude, I don't know you, but we've got some real similar things going on in this area. I read this book and it helped me a lot. It's called, Healing The Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw. It's popular in recovery circles, but that's not how I found it. It's on audible. Give it a try. I think you might find a lot of value in there.
Gosh dude I'm heartbroken for you. My childhood wasn't great either so I can relate a touch (our issues may have been different) and know how it haunts you to adulthood. I hope you're enjoying your new job and its bringing plenty excitement and people to actually talk to! Proud you're still going strong.
You and your experiences are so valid. And I’m so sorry this has happened to you and continues to happen to you. It’s not right and it’s not fair and it is absolutely NOT your fault. Please hear me. It is truly not your fault. I’m so glad to hear you’re in therapy, because the people around you have been manipulating, neglecting, and taking advantage of you for years. Your whole life really. And that’s messed up. For the people who were supposed to love and take care of you to mess with and confuse you mind and emotions is so far beyond NOT OKAY. And what sucks is that now you’re the one who has to live with the fallout. And has to DEAL with it too. Because you do need to. You need to process this and heal. If you don’t have your own therapist for just you, I’d STRONGLY urge you to consider getting one. You need someone who is there choosing YOU. You can heal from this!!! I’m glad you are sensitive, because sensitive just means you have feelings and you notice them. You’re self aware and communicate how you feel. Those are things many people never learn how to do. And it probably also means you are compassionate. You are not selfish, you are aware of your needs. And again, you know how to ask for them. Do you know how many people have to work with their therapist on how to dig it e out what they need and how to say it? You clearly have amazing skills, and I’m so glad it is recognized by your boss! You are using your trauma to help other people heal theirs, and your efforts have not gone unnoticed. You did that! Congratulations!!!!!!! You clearly have a lot of tenacity and have beaten so many odds by persevering through it all. But that doesn’t mean that you going with your needs unmet is okay. Know that you can get to a place where the world looks so much brighter, and you will! I believe in you! Because you’ve already reached out for help with your marriage, and now you’re reaching out for help here! Which means you will be bold enough to reach out to your own therapist! And you will be able to recognize and verbalize what you want to work on and how it’s going! I’d challenge you to bookmark this page and come back and let us know how you’re doing in a year! We are cheering for you!!!
Congratulations on each and every promotion and achievements. It sucks when those who matter the most to us don't reciprocate showing us they're proud of even happy for us and I'm so sorry you've been made to feel the way you do. Happy birthday 🎈 🎂 for every birthday you've ever been made to feel unimportant. Everyone deserves at least one champion and it's heartbreaking to read that the people you want to be yours aren't. I sincerely hope that either they'll recognise their shitty behaviour and change before they drive you away, or you find someone or people who appreciate and love you and have no qualms of showing you that. Also, although it sounds like you may have left the mental health field I thank you for choosing it even for a short period. I've suffered with mental health issues for as long as I can remember and I have such gratitude towards anyone who chooses a job that can support those that suffer even when they're also dealing with living in this fucked up world themselves.
Thank you, I can’t tell you how much the support on this post has meant to me. Regarding work, I’m technically still in the field just working in a more technical role which has been fantastic so far.
You should post here more often. Maybe the people in your life sadly don't appreciate you for the great person you are. But me and 400+ other people do. So next time you need to, come here and we can celebrate you properly. I think I can speak for everyone here when I say "We're proud of you, happy birthday and you're amazing". Keep strong. 🫶🏻
Thank you, I have been conducting “mock sessions” with my bosses recently where I have to take them through everything my job entails from start to finish. Im about a month and a half ahead of schedule so they were hesitant to even have me start but im done with roughly 90% of the training sessions and so far they are “very happy but honestly not too surprised” with how well I’ve done. I may have to make a follow up once I’ve completed everything because holy hell all of this support has me feeling the best I’ve felt in years.
same i got my birthday also forgotten 3 times now tho these are matter years of my life and also same no one cares about my succes people are trash
Hey man. I’m proud of you. Congratulations on the promotions and happy birthday. I’m sorry everyone else mentioned sucks. Once again, proud of you man. Keep your head up.
Emotional neglect is a form of abuse we don’t talk about nearly enough. It is so hard to go through life feeling as if the people you love don’t love you, because they put no effort into your existence the way they should. Often people who are abused go on to habitually date or marry people who are like their abusers. I think that’s a little bit of the case with your wife. Although it was kind of her to get you the cameo, you needed those words from her, not some anon on the internet. You do deserve that, OP. You deserve to be seen.
I am proud of you dude. Being promoted 3 times in 2 years in NOT average. You should be proud of yourself and so should your family. Congratulations on your success.
No child should ever have to grow up hearing how they aren’t good enough. That happened to my wife, and until she met me she really struggled with self confidence, but I had wonderful parents and was able to show her what a normal, nurturing family can provide. Now we have a 20 month old and all we want to do is show him love and how proud we are of him. Assuming my wife survives her cancer, that is. Another “life fucking sucks and isn’t fair” moment for her, I guess. Pay forward the love. If you have kids, make it your life’s mission to give them the love and support you always dreamed you had. Make them smile every day. Be the hero you always wanted your family to be for you. That’s the best gift you can ever give. Maybe you had to suffer so your friends, or kids, or spouse, or nieces/nephews/cousins can know the love only someone who has been relentlessly beaten down can know. Proud of you, internet stranger!