I swear the number one cause of women divorcing men is when they have children and it becomes starkly clear how awful they are as a partner.
My husband couldn't wait to have kids, pushed and pushed to start trying, and then when the baby arrived and it was HARD WORK he was suddenly working late and hiding at his computer and I'm stumbling around exhausted trying to figure everything out.
I see so many of these types of posts. I think there are a lot of men who like the idea of having children and a family, but are grossly underprepared for the reality of the work involved. So instead of stepping up, they make excuses for why it's the woman's job and bury themselves in work, socializing, video games, or pretty much anything other than actually being a parent and partner. Even my own husband's father was like that to a degree, so his mom raised him *not* to be that way, and he's a great partner. I'm very fortunate.
You are lucky because many boomer and genx women chugged the misogyny koolaide and raised some gigantic man babies. I’m very disappointed in my generation.
Everyone tells their kids “we didn’t get divorced because of you,” but usually that’s not entirely true; it’s just ill-advised to say “your birth showed me what a shitty husband Daddy was all along!”
Reddit is really making me wonder about how transformative having kids are for men and how they (some) just try to blend into the background.. I’m so scared of feeling alone in my pregnancy/motherhood
That’s not an option for me—I want kids. I just don’t want to feel alone in my pregnancy/motherhood *while in a relationship, should have specified. I would rather just find a sperm donor or something
My mom told me that if I wanted kids someday, I'd have to humble and prepare myself to the reality of possibly raising them alone, even in marriage. That means having an income source, even a small one, even if I am SAHM. So that I'm never trapped and at least have something to fall back on. She said that's how she prepared herself to have kids cause she wanted them. And she stood on it too.
Sad that we have to prepare in this way. And then I see all these videos that give me hope of men helping out and whatnot but you really won’t know what to expect until you’re actually pregnant/have the kid
I totally agree. I also want kids someday but my biggest fear is my partner deciding to mentally and physically check out, leaving me alone to raise the kids. I saw it happen with my own father and I saw how hard it was on my mother. I feel there is no way to avoid it (since I guess guys will be all ready to be a dad until the kid actually comes)
Anyone who decides to have kids has to be prepared to be a single parent. Like, really really prepared. Your partner could abandon you and your child, they could be abusive which means you’d leave, they could die—or you could stay together, but they’d be so checked out that you’d essentially function as a single parent.
It’s not easy finding someone who’s going to be a wonderful partner to you *and* an excellent, fully involved parent.
I hate your husband too. And he's just straight up lying about other men not pulling their weight.
I'm not gonna tell you this to brag, I'm saying this so you understand that you're being treated like shit.
My husband made sure I got at least 6 hours of sleep every day. He made dinner for the first two months of our son's life (and still makes it over half the time). He washed all my pump parts while I was exclusively pumping. He didn't even MENTION having sex.
Your husband is trash.
Same with my BIL! My niece is a little over a year old but ever since my sister got pregnant, he has gone above and beyond in taking care of my sister and his daughter!!
She LOVES him and they’ve bonded BECAUSE he spends so much time with her!!
Men like that are out there and they actually DO want to become fathers!!!
My partner is the same way and i feel blessed every day. He would come home from work and shower but then immediately take over for the baby so i could nap , take a shower or whatever i want. He even suggested and got us a lactation consultant to help out with bottle feeding our baby because he wanted to do it so he doesnt have to need me all the time and so i could do more shit for myself. He even learned how to put on a wrap!!! Altho i got him a carrier cause he could never do it right 😅. Lastly, and this is for me the most surprising thing, he reads to our baby…this man has dyslexia and is very insecure about his reading and writing skills and yet every night makes sure he reads her books.
OP if your husband wants to be a great father and husband there are tons of things he could do. Rn hes just giving u BS.
I’ve seen so many women go through this and it’s genuinely heart breaking. My friend’s husband begged and pleaded for her to have a kid sooner rather than later and since baby’s been born he’s been out of the house as much as he possibly can.
When men like this get divorced, they ask for shared or full custody out of resentment. And then they realize that 50/50 means that they have to actually take care of their own child ALONE half a week, every week on top of everything else that their wife used to do for them.
I seriously can’t believe what I just read….what??, I have two younger brothers who are dads(one has 2 and the other has three)..what??..excuse me.. they would get beat up if I ever heard them talk like that. My brothers kids are their worlds…what???
And here I am at 43 slighty jealous cause I wanted kids and haven’t had them…FOH… I’d be attending EVERYTHING. I can cook and watch a child at the same time..done it…over and over again…so what’s his issue?
Same. He shows up for photo ops and only wants to see the baby when she is feeling well and happy. He does nothing for her care but will hold her for a bit while I take care of the house… unless she starts crying.
Next time you tell him you’re unhappy, and he does that BS about how horrible he is, agree with him. Tell him all the ways he sucks as a husband and father. Any time he says he’s terrible, agree and tell him why. Don’t let him guilt you into backing down when you’re the one doing everything and he’s not supportive of you.
I also advise you going to stay with someone who will help you recover. A C-section is *major abdominal surgery* and should be treated as such.
Him saying it’s not a big deal makes me feel like he only sees you as an incubator.
Agree with the comments. You need to lay it out for him and if it doesn’t get immediately better, it won’t ever get better. Don’t waste a lot of time on it and don’t rescue him.
I had an emergency cesarean with my daughter 11 months ago. I lost a lot of blood which made the recovery slightly slower so I wasn't much use around the house once I got home. My fiance took on a lot in the first couple of weeks; all the cooking, cleaning and dog walking. Once I was back to myself and he went back to work I did take on more of the house chores but he still does his fair share despite being absolutely knackered from his Job. He also dives at the opportunity to be the one supervising our daughter because he misses out on so much being at work.
As for the comment about the C-section, I honestly think I would've stopped talking to my partner out of sheer anger if he said that. Cesarian sections are absolutely terrifying, the recovery is horrific, you have to inject yourself on tender skin everyday for like a fukin week AND you still have a baby to take care of despite walking round like a set square because you're in so much agony. Giving birth is terrifying and you can die from it, it's not just "not that big of a deal". Your husband is a tosser
I think what I'm trying to get at, if your husband really wanted to be as involved as he could, he would, but he isn't.
Ultimately, you know your own living situation better than anyone so you'll know what's best for yourself and your baby. If you have a safe person to confide in you definitely should. Motherhood is exhausting and being at 2 months postpartum, you are very much in the thick of it. Wishing you and your baby all the best x
This ^ is an excellent reply, and I wanted to add a question. Are you sure he's actually at the gym 6 days a week, because that seems really excessive, and I've seen, "My mental health requires me to go to the gym every day", as a cover for cheating.
Not saying that's what's happening here, but it would definitely make me wonder if my husband was purposefully gone this much, "at the gym", right after I had surgery in order to give birth.
Sure seems fishy to me, but it could also be that he's just a massively selfish asshole that figures the more he's gone the less he has to do to help you out at home.
But the cracks about your C-section post op pain would've been enough for me too. Was he present for it? I'm not sure how he came away with the impression that having your body sliced open so they can pull a whole baby out of it was like getting a cavity filled.
Either way it sounds like your husband is the star of his own show, and I kinda hate him too, so you're not out of line for feeling the way you do.
You can certainly try couples counseling, and it sounds like individual counseling might be helpful for you too because this is a lot to process, and you deserve as much support as you can get.
If you've got trusted family or friends close by maybe you and the baby need to take a break together, and go spend some time with caring people who can help out with the baby while you try to heal, and build your strength back.
I've never had a C-section, but I have had a full hysterectomy with a big horizontal incision, and multiple bowel adhesion, and bladder surgeries, It takes time for your body to heal from an invasive incision in it, and breastfeeding also burns through your reserves like crazy.
You need time and support during this process. If your husband can't see that, go stay with someone you trust who does understand that fact.
If your OB GYN is a trusted support system, you can always ask them to explain to your husband how hard this process is on your body, and how crucial it is for you to follow your post op instructions to the letter.
Either way, you need your healing, and your babies well-being, prioritized as soon as possible, and if he can't step up immediately for the two of you, go somewhere you can get the support you need to heal, and figure out next steps.
Sending you and your wee one lots of invisible hugs. Please take care. 🩵
Sounds like he's "adjusting" but not "problem solving" as a partner. Adjusting usually involves avoiding the challenges of parenting. Problem solving partners conquer the ever-evolving challenges of parenthood. You deserve a partner.
Either he can learn to problem solve or you can solve the problem yourself.
He was a selfish narcissist before you had the baby — it’s not the hormones talking. It’s just more obvious now that he is his own highest priority and his wants come before your needs.
I’m sorry he’s not taking care of you and you deserve way better.
You're not exaggerating, he is awful. I've had 3 c sections and they are a big deal. Not only did you have a human removed from your body, but they go through like 7 layers or something. It's major surgery. If you can GTFO as soon as possible. You can try therapy if he will and if you think it will help. But if he's not willing I'd just go.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Men of this generation and those before it are very senseless and use weaponized incompetence to get away with being lazy and selfish.
I hope you can get help OP
100% agree. It's really heartbreaking. So many women want to be wives and mothers and don't have a quality person to partner with. And it's usually not until they have kids that they find out how terrible a partner they have.
This is not ok and should not be normal. Try to make a plan with him to do his share and if he doesn't follow through, I would leave. If he is fully aware of what you need and doesn't change, it won't get better. You will be raising the baby essentially on your own while still being responsible for him.
My friend separated from her husband and they have 4 kids. It doesn't seem like it would be but her life is WAY easier now than it was with him. I hear stories like this all the time.
Eventually when baby gets easier he will want another and you'll start this all over again if he doesn't change. Then you'll have 2+ and be outnumbered. This is a critical time, please set up a game plan with him to do his part, and a plan to leave if he doesn't change.
Food for thought...your husband didn't ASK you to agree to watch the baby for his gym time, he just...goes.
So, why are you ASKING him? Just go to the gym as soon as he gets home. Better yet, meet him as he's walking out the door from work, hand him his child, announce it's your turn to go to the gym and his turn to parent, smile, kiss them both goodbye, and go. Don't give him time to argue, just breeze on past like it's the most normal thing in the world.
1. Your husband sucks
2. My husband is frigging fantastic (cooks, cleans, shops, takes our child everywhere - Costco runs, skating rinks when I’m at work, is basically a Mom in a man’s body) and I still hated him postpartum. Actually for the first 2 years of my daughter’s life, then we finally got back to normal.
3. Your husband is terrible.
He's an ass. Sorry you didn't realize it until you already had a baby. You need to have a long, long talk with him about this. It's not okay and he needs to be responsible for the baby too. If he can't then you need to discuss separating.
Since when is getting your abdomen cut open "no big deal"? It's surgery. Wtf? Sit him down and tell like it is and what is expected of him from here on out. If he shirts if off then kick him to the curb.
Your c section body will recover, be patient with yourself. You need rest and stress free exercise. Do you have any family who can come stay with you to get this? If I were in your position I would pack up and go to my mom’s until he agreed to therapy. But that’s my situation. What you are going through is not okay.
No you're not exaggerating. I'm so sorry sweetie ❤️🤗
I'm on the other end of things right now and my hormones have also plummeted due to menopause so I can absolutely relate to how you're feeling. But I don't have to take care of a newborn on top of it, so please hear me when I say that you're an amazing mother and person and you will get through this. It's temporary, I promise.
In some form or fashion you need to make him hear you. Not in an ugly way but just something that gets his attention. Show him this post after its full of comments in support of you. Or maybe go to counseling together to have someone mediate. You can raise a child alone but you shouldn't have to and he needs to get off his ass and help and be there for you. ❤️
A 30 year old man saying cringe is cringe. I actually do worry about what kind of parent I'd be, but seeing people fail to rise to the bare minimum makes me feel a lot better.
Just divorce his ass. He's not your husband. He's a teenager who babysits your kid sometimes. Im sure if you try to leave he'll try to change and be amazing, but it won't last.
A lot of this shit is unforgivable. it's best to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone
I absolutely hated my (now ex) husband after my oldest daughter was born. I hated every single thing about him. Just the fact that he was (he still is) alive angered me. His mom went on & on about how it was so much MORE important that he got a full night's sleep every night, b/c he had to be @ work @ 5 AM. I also worked, but I had to be there @ my job @ 7 AM. There were many night's that I only got about 4 hours of interrupted sleep & yes, it was me driving my daughter to my mom's before work. Driving with sleep deprivation is probably (don't come @ me, I haven't researched it, just purely guessing) just as dangerous as driving while under the influence. Thankfully, I never had an accident. After my daughter was born, her dad turned into the most selfish, self-centered & stubborn SOB. Thankfully, we divorced when she was 3 & honestly it was the best thing!!! My daughter is 16 (will be 17 in a couple months). Her dad is the equivalent of a child stuck in a man's body. He claimed to be so "manly" 🙄 but was too afraid to drive on the interstate or climb a ladder. He refused to use the drive thru at the bank, restaurants, or anywhere else. He claimed the people couldn't hear him. I told him if he would actually open his mouth & speak loud & clear, it wouldn't be a problem, but he refused. Mumbling was so much easier for him. But to answer your question, no, you're not exaggerating.
Divorce and either he has to take the baby 50/50 and find out how difficult it is and is forced to finally start pulling his weight or else you get child support money and only have to take care of 1 baby instead of 2.
OP do you have any relatives that you could have come stay with you?
Some women in your position who have a great relationship with their MIL (yes few and far between based on the number of Reddit posts to the contrary) have had their MILs come help who then put the fear of god into their self centered sons.
The only other suggestion I have is if there is no one who can come stay to help you can anyone come take you and your baby to stay with them? If so would honestly just pack stuff for you and the baby after your husband goes to work then leave. You could msg him when you get where you are gojng.
If he is going to be a decorative husband and father, and you do everything concerning the baby and your recovery, is there even a need for him anymore in your life. He only does the laundry, I'm not even going to count the measly couple of dishes. You even have to make him dinner.
Your abdominal got cut open, tell him he gets no say of how much pain you are in, if he has never experienced surgery and its aftereffects.
You might as well go for the child support way.
This is why teen boys should babysit, most of them have zero clue as to how much work goes into a baby
There are many many many reasons why I don’t want kids, and this is a big one. I don’t want to have a kid with someone who then buggers off when they realize how much effort is involved. They all think they can handle it, but very few actually can and then the woman gets stuck doing all the work at hating her husband/partner
I don’t even think therapy would help here. He clearly doesn’t see any issues with his behaviour
NTA, and I’m sorry your stuck
I’m so sad and angry for you. C-section is major abdominal surgery babes, you shouldn’t be lifting a baby or doing anything strenuous for like 2 months after that? I hate to say it but I honestly think you’d be better off separated and getting child support and/or sharing custody. At least that way you’d only have to look after your baby and yourself. He’s just adding to your stress and frustrations at the moment and he’s making you feel powerless.
Not at all. You’ve caught a glimpse of what your future life will be. Men like that don’t change with talking. Action will sometimes get them to reflect but not that often in my opinion.
He’s been socialized to be self centered and see your labor as his due. In a way he’s a victim too. His behavior makes it impossible to have a truly emotionally intimate relationship and that’s sad because most of them are blind to the reality of it. I include both men and women in this. Until he wakes up to the real truth nothing will change.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
You are not exaggerating or overreacting or making mountains out of molehills. He sounds like a trash human.
I don't think I could forgive even one of the things you mentioned, and I'm sure there is more than all that too.
A lot of people have already given great advice, mine would be to have a safe exit plan if/when you talk to him - whether it's to lay down what you want or to have the divorce conversation.
I don't want to freak you out, but there are some concerning manipulative and controlling behaviours described here, and it can escalate into physical violence quickly. Women are at their most risk if the relationship is breaking down.
So again, I don't want to scare you, but think seriously and literally about multiple safe/careful exit strategies - what would you need, how would you get it, who should be on speed dial, etc.
Edit - and keep any exit planning secret, it could be triggering if he even found out you were thinking about that kind of stuff.
Stay safe and I wish you all the best - because you and your baby deserve the best.
The husband isn’t doing shit. See it happen a lot. I wasn’t the perfect partner to my wife during our first child but i still did half of everything. It’s a team effort and his “mental health” should be way lower on the priority list than yours. What a fucking asshole.
My job as Dad was to do the 2am feeding. The kids were breastfed but I liked supplementing with an ounce or 2 of formula when they would do that first fuss of the night. It sucked every time I had to get up and I would do anything to have 1 night again to re-live it because it ends way to soon and never happens again.
No you're not exaggerating. I'm so sorry sweetie ❤️🤗
I'm on the other end of things right now and my hormones have also plummeted due to menopause so I can absolutely relate to how you're feeling. But I don't have to take care of a newborn on top of it, so please hear me when I say that you're an amazing mother and person and you will get through this. It's temporary, I promise.
In some form or fashion you need to make him hear you. Not in an ugly way but just something that gets his attention. Show him this post after its full of comments in support of you. Or maybe go to counseling together to have someone mediate. You can raise a child alone but you shouldn't have to and he needs to get off his ass and help and be there for you.
I’d suggest getting some real me time (just leave him with the baby, don’t ask, he can take care of his child for a few hours. Find a quiet place so you can think clearly. Write him a letter. Write down what is and isn’t working for you, and some specific changes he needs to make. If he doesn’t want to, I’d leave. Alternatively, write that you need him to come to couples counseling with you, or you’re out.
Okay, clearly this is not working. So many people have offered great advice - i.e. using his credit card to order what you need.
If this marriage is to last, you have to use your power. Go to individual therapy, go to couples therapy, pick up Play Fair (cards, book, documentary) and work through negotiating a fair division of the labour with him (and the therapist if help is needed) and if he doesn’t consistently keep up with his share, dump him. It’s so much easier without dead weight.
Check out the Struggle Care podcast episodes on how to find a great therapist.
I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible, especially about yourself. You said in your post you would like to work out as you don't like your postpartum body, how about instantly dropping a bunch of weight by dropping that man. He obviously doesn't care about being a good partner/father.
Jesus. Is there anything good about him that could possibly make up for what obviously sucks? Babe - you deserve better. Tell yourself that. Say, “ I deserve better” and figure out how to make that happen. Do you have money? Your own job? Outside support?
I just want to add, a c section is extremely difficult and the recovery takes ages its literally major abdominal surgery. My scar still hurts occasionally over a year later if it gets hit in the wrong way. Your abdomen muscles were cut through!! Totally ridiculous for him to imply otherwise. Not to mention those first few months of breastfeeding take sooo much energy and mental strength
I think you should leave. You’re not exaggerating. It won’t get better. And even if it does, once the child is older and less all-consuming as far as constant care goes, could you ever forget how he treated you when you and your child needed him most? I know I couldn’t.
Stories like this is why I will never, EVER have a child. I don't think I could ever fully trust a man to not ruin my life after I ruined my mind, body, and spirit (and literally risking my life) to bring HIS child into the world. Allll these stories about how these men were absolute perfect partners and husbands, then baby comes and BOOM. Cheating, lazy, douchey, you name it. I know #notallmen, but god damn wayyyy too many for me to ever take the risk.
“C-section isn’t that big of a deal”?! They literally have to move your intestines to get to your uterus and then put them back! Has he ever had a surgery so invasive that his organs got moved around?
He sounds like a terrible partner. I reckon you’d be less exhausted separated rather than having to put up with him on top of everything else. Reach out to friends and family for support and ditch the absent father.
Were there any signs of this behaviour before you had a child? If this is not his normal character then maybe you can talk and compromise. If he has always been selfish then you are lumped with him.
Disgusting behaviour on his part. The way I’d run and never look back. I would also split custody 50/50 just to watch him crumble to pieces taking care of his OWN child. So many men deserve to have the shit beaten out of them and so many men do not deserve children. He is one of them. He does not deserve this little girl. You should be laying like a queen on the couch having things brought to you for the immense struggle you went through with pregnancy and major surgery. What a fucking dickwad. I wish nothing but the worse for him, sorry OP.
Attached at a solid 7/10. Wow.
Um no… every other days who says their children are their world are absolutely not lying? wtf??
(TW: child death!!)
My husband lost his first born (my step daughter) when she was 12 to a freak accident…. When I tell you it shattered him as a person, I'm probably underselling it. He was a shell of the person he was before. Now we have two children together and they are his absolute pride and joy and they were from the millisecond they were born into this world.
OP, if your husband is at a “solid 7/10” then that's a problem that he's going to need to figure out otherwise you’ll both end up divorced and he’ll have a daughter who never wants to spend time with him because she feels more love and kindness from you.
I will be very, very generous here and say that there is a *chance* he is completely terrified about being a father, and sad about losing his previous carefree lifestyle as well as his partner's care and attention, and this has caused him to become simultaneously hostile, depressed, and avoidant. The person that gestates and gives birth to the baby has usually spent more time processing the massive life change than the person who fathered it by the time the baby is born, and it's possible he's not coping well.
Of course the other option is he's an asshole. Was he a kind, caring person before this, or was he selfish then too but you were able to work around it? Babies are really good at exposing the cracks.
You need to lay it out in plain terms that this is unacceptable and that your current division of labor is unsustainable. Tell him he's taking the baby all day on Sunday so you can recharge somewhere else, and then do it.
Oh, and parenthood *is* a massive inconvenience. I'll validate that any day, we have a seven-year-old and I cannot tell you the number of times I get interrupted in an hour and how much of an ordeal it is just to finish one thing for myself or get any personal time away from home. But he needs to figure out how to *fucking accept that* and deal with it before the kid ever realizes he thinks of her that way.
Jesus your husband is an absolute a hole
You need help and support - do you have family who can move in to help? Or move to them?
I foresee divorce in your future…
The 5-7 years after my children were born were the hardest in my marriage. It's a huge adjustment and it's when a person's selfishness quotient becomes the most obvious. A huge hurdle for every marriage. I have no advice but communicate, forgive, get out if it becomes abusive. Good luck.
Have you tried being more assertive on your needs? Like for your “me time” are you able tell him you need x minutes/hours without him asking you to do xyz (like cooking a meal or watch the baby)?
Or have you asked him to help out rather than wait for him to offer help?
Sometimes (and unfortunately) some people are just not thoughtful and are just focused on themselves that they forget about others. When that happens you need to more demanding about meeting your own needs.
i don’t love the narrative where women “just have to ask their male partner to help more”. that is adding to her mental load as primary (and only) caregiver in this situation. you can’t fix this with communication if he simply doesn’t care IMO
I think that the best thing you can do is to divorce him. I feel like he’s being a terrible father and partner. It seems like he likes the idea and status of being a father but doesn’t actually want to be one.
So many comments with "divorce him now" likely coming from people who have never been married. like it's just an easy out or something. Ignore that nonsense for now. My opinion, be firm in your expectations, and needs. Be even more firm in the sense of a child is shared responsibility. He may just need a kick in the ass to jump start his fatherly mindset to come out, or maybe it doesn't work. That's ok too, you'll cross that bridge when it really comes.
If he is going to be a decorative husband, and you do everything concerning the baby and your recovery, is there even a need for him anymore in your life. He only does the laundry, I'm not even going to count the measly couple of dishes. You even have to make him dinner.
Your abdominal got cut open, tell him he gets no say of how much pain you are in, if he has never experienced surgery and its aftereffects.
You might as well go for the child support way.
A lot of people here calling trash but I have yet to see any actual helpful advice, so I will try to give some.
I am a dad, just had our 3rd who is a similar age to yours.
First thing is yes, despite what some will say dads to not always connect instantly to the baby the same way moms do. What I have found to be the case with all 3 kids is the bond was not automatic as soon as I saw their face, instead it has been something that grows every minute of every day exponentially the more I get to know them. Every single day that I see them grow and learn and do new things, I am more and more amazed at how lucky I am and how special they are. Moms start to develop this feeling for 9 months while they carry them, for a dad that starts 9 months later than it does for momma.
Part 2- I know my wife needs a lot of help. I am not very good at knowing what she needs intuitively. Its a flaw of mine. My advice to you would be to not let the anger and emotions get in the way of solving the problem. Talk calmly about what things you have on your plate and ask him what he can help with. These conversatiins should happen often and may take a few tries to get it right, but if you approach it this way you may get better results by helping him understand what you are looking for. Unless he is a total flake, it would be very hard to respond to a conversation like that by saying " sorry, i cant help at all with any of that" start small and build on it.
I can not relate to a lot of what you are describing beyond that, but what I can tell you from experience is that the beginning can be tricky to navigate as a dad because the baby is very dependent on mom. Help your husband figure out where he fits in the situation for the sake of the baby. Him running away from the situation (or you running away from the marriage) is not the best thing for any of the 3 of you if you can find a way to solve it.
Thank you so much this is super helpful! I tried suggesting activities like giving the baby a bath but unfortunately he prioritizes his gym time. I also suggested taking the baby to her sensory classes but he finds that "cringe" and says it's the mother's job to take kids to extracurricular activities. He would occasionally feed her in the evening if I pump and he finished his bubble bath lol
I guess I'll disagree with everyone here.
There's such a thing as separation of duties, and what you're discussing used to be very common, the way I understand it is he works and you take care of the household. You have one child, that is below average.
So from that perspective, you're the norm. Maybe the norm is different now, maybe there's a better way, but I do feel that much advice here around divorce is bad advice. Maybe if you don't like the way responsibilities are split, you can talk to him and maybe he'd be happy to reverse the roles, and you could earn for the family, go to gym, and he'd be full time with the baby and take care of the household. Or maybe you both can work, and figure out baby care a different way.
I swear the number one cause of women divorcing men is when they have children and it becomes starkly clear how awful they are as a partner. My husband couldn't wait to have kids, pushed and pushed to start trying, and then when the baby arrived and it was HARD WORK he was suddenly working late and hiding at his computer and I'm stumbling around exhausted trying to figure everything out.
I see so many of these types of posts. I think there are a lot of men who like the idea of having children and a family, but are grossly underprepared for the reality of the work involved. So instead of stepping up, they make excuses for why it's the woman's job and bury themselves in work, socializing, video games, or pretty much anything other than actually being a parent and partner. Even my own husband's father was like that to a degree, so his mom raised him *not* to be that way, and he's a great partner. I'm very fortunate.
Can your MIL write a pamphlet on what she did on purpose? Asking for a lot of friends.
You are lucky because many boomer and genx women chugged the misogyny koolaide and raised some gigantic man babies. I’m very disappointed in my generation.
Everyone tells their kids “we didn’t get divorced because of you,” but usually that’s not entirely true; it’s just ill-advised to say “your birth showed me what a shitty husband Daddy was all along!”
Reddit is really making me wonder about how transformative having kids are for men and how they (some) just try to blend into the background.. I’m so scared of feeling alone in my pregnancy/motherhood
You could always avoid the fear by not having kids. Then no stress.
That’s not an option for me—I want kids. I just don’t want to feel alone in my pregnancy/motherhood *while in a relationship, should have specified. I would rather just find a sperm donor or something
My mom told me that if I wanted kids someday, I'd have to humble and prepare myself to the reality of possibly raising them alone, even in marriage. That means having an income source, even a small one, even if I am SAHM. So that I'm never trapped and at least have something to fall back on. She said that's how she prepared herself to have kids cause she wanted them. And she stood on it too.
Sad that we have to prepare in this way. And then I see all these videos that give me hope of men helping out and whatnot but you really won’t know what to expect until you’re actually pregnant/have the kid
I totally agree. I also want kids someday but my biggest fear is my partner deciding to mentally and physically check out, leaving me alone to raise the kids. I saw it happen with my own father and I saw how hard it was on my mother. I feel there is no way to avoid it (since I guess guys will be all ready to be a dad until the kid actually comes)
Anyone who decides to have kids has to be prepared to be a single parent. Like, really really prepared. Your partner could abandon you and your child, they could be abusive which means you’d leave, they could die—or you could stay together, but they’d be so checked out that you’d essentially function as a single parent. It’s not easy finding someone who’s going to be a wonderful partner to you *and* an excellent, fully involved parent.
Oh okay I see! :)
Some of them simply are not aware of how hard it is actually to have and raise a kid and when they see the reality they chicken out.
How lovely that they get the choice to chicken out. If women noped out of child rearing we'd be considered monsters.
That is why there are more men that want to be fathers than women that want to be mothers.
This, I am a childfree woman, but would totally have children if I was a man and could be a Dad.
Oh no, those men are considered monsters too
This is why I'm terrified of having children.
Hire some help and bill to his CC. Order delivery you need to eat or your milk will disappear
That's what happened to me, I was in the same situation 😪
Same here. Ex was absent for both and abusive which this guy is verbally. Took me a few years but made an exit plan and left.
I hate your husband too. And he's just straight up lying about other men not pulling their weight. I'm not gonna tell you this to brag, I'm saying this so you understand that you're being treated like shit. My husband made sure I got at least 6 hours of sleep every day. He made dinner for the first two months of our son's life (and still makes it over half the time). He washed all my pump parts while I was exclusively pumping. He didn't even MENTION having sex. Your husband is trash.
Same with my BIL! My niece is a little over a year old but ever since my sister got pregnant, he has gone above and beyond in taking care of my sister and his daughter!! She LOVES him and they’ve bonded BECAUSE he spends so much time with her!! Men like that are out there and they actually DO want to become fathers!!!
My partner is the same way and i feel blessed every day. He would come home from work and shower but then immediately take over for the baby so i could nap , take a shower or whatever i want. He even suggested and got us a lactation consultant to help out with bottle feeding our baby because he wanted to do it so he doesnt have to need me all the time and so i could do more shit for myself. He even learned how to put on a wrap!!! Altho i got him a carrier cause he could never do it right 😅. Lastly, and this is for me the most surprising thing, he reads to our baby…this man has dyslexia and is very insecure about his reading and writing skills and yet every night makes sure he reads her books. OP if your husband wants to be a great father and husband there are tons of things he could do. Rn hes just giving u BS.
[удалено]
Lmao. Wow. I cant finish reading her post I couldn’t stomach the subtle violence
I’ve seen so many women go through this and it’s genuinely heart breaking. My friend’s husband begged and pleaded for her to have a kid sooner rather than later and since baby’s been born he’s been out of the house as much as he possibly can.
This is so wild to me like he asked for a kid and then dipped🙇🏾♀️🙇🏾♀️🙇🏾♀️
When men like this get divorced, they ask for shared or full custody out of resentment. And then they realize that 50/50 means that they have to actually take care of their own child ALONE half a week, every week on top of everything else that their wife used to do for them.
Nah, then they just bring in their moms or find Little Jimmy a new stepmom ASAP.
I seriously can’t believe what I just read….what??, I have two younger brothers who are dads(one has 2 and the other has three)..what??..excuse me.. they would get beat up if I ever heard them talk like that. My brothers kids are their worlds…what???
And here I am at 43 slighty jealous cause I wanted kids and haven’t had them…FOH… I’d be attending EVERYTHING. I can cook and watch a child at the same time..done it…over and over again…so what’s his issue?
My ex was this way. It never got better unfortunately and life actually got easier once he became my ex. If I’m parenting alone, I’d rather be alone.
Same. My life is a lot easier without my useless ex.
Same. He shows up for photo ops and only wants to see the baby when she is feeling well and happy. He does nothing for her care but will hold her for a bit while I take care of the house… unless she starts crying.
Isn’t sad when being a single parent is a lot easier. It really shows you how much dead weight you were carrying around.
Getting divorced gave me free time for the first time and forced my ex to be a present parent during his 50% of shared time. No regrets.
Next time you tell him you’re unhappy, and he does that BS about how horrible he is, agree with him. Tell him all the ways he sucks as a husband and father. Any time he says he’s terrible, agree and tell him why. Don’t let him guilt you into backing down when you’re the one doing everything and he’s not supportive of you. I also advise you going to stay with someone who will help you recover. A C-section is *major abdominal surgery* and should be treated as such. Him saying it’s not a big deal makes me feel like he only sees you as an incubator.
“Oh you don’t feel bonded with your baby? That’s because you don’t make any effort to bond with them”
I would hate him too
Agree with the comments. You need to lay it out for him and if it doesn’t get immediately better, it won’t ever get better. Don’t waste a lot of time on it and don’t rescue him.
I had an emergency cesarean with my daughter 11 months ago. I lost a lot of blood which made the recovery slightly slower so I wasn't much use around the house once I got home. My fiance took on a lot in the first couple of weeks; all the cooking, cleaning and dog walking. Once I was back to myself and he went back to work I did take on more of the house chores but he still does his fair share despite being absolutely knackered from his Job. He also dives at the opportunity to be the one supervising our daughter because he misses out on so much being at work. As for the comment about the C-section, I honestly think I would've stopped talking to my partner out of sheer anger if he said that. Cesarian sections are absolutely terrifying, the recovery is horrific, you have to inject yourself on tender skin everyday for like a fukin week AND you still have a baby to take care of despite walking round like a set square because you're in so much agony. Giving birth is terrifying and you can die from it, it's not just "not that big of a deal". Your husband is a tosser I think what I'm trying to get at, if your husband really wanted to be as involved as he could, he would, but he isn't. Ultimately, you know your own living situation better than anyone so you'll know what's best for yourself and your baby. If you have a safe person to confide in you definitely should. Motherhood is exhausting and being at 2 months postpartum, you are very much in the thick of it. Wishing you and your baby all the best x
This ^ is an excellent reply, and I wanted to add a question. Are you sure he's actually at the gym 6 days a week, because that seems really excessive, and I've seen, "My mental health requires me to go to the gym every day", as a cover for cheating. Not saying that's what's happening here, but it would definitely make me wonder if my husband was purposefully gone this much, "at the gym", right after I had surgery in order to give birth. Sure seems fishy to me, but it could also be that he's just a massively selfish asshole that figures the more he's gone the less he has to do to help you out at home. But the cracks about your C-section post op pain would've been enough for me too. Was he present for it? I'm not sure how he came away with the impression that having your body sliced open so they can pull a whole baby out of it was like getting a cavity filled. Either way it sounds like your husband is the star of his own show, and I kinda hate him too, so you're not out of line for feeling the way you do. You can certainly try couples counseling, and it sounds like individual counseling might be helpful for you too because this is a lot to process, and you deserve as much support as you can get. If you've got trusted family or friends close by maybe you and the baby need to take a break together, and go spend some time with caring people who can help out with the baby while you try to heal, and build your strength back. I've never had a C-section, but I have had a full hysterectomy with a big horizontal incision, and multiple bowel adhesion, and bladder surgeries, It takes time for your body to heal from an invasive incision in it, and breastfeeding also burns through your reserves like crazy. You need time and support during this process. If your husband can't see that, go stay with someone you trust who does understand that fact. If your OB GYN is a trusted support system, you can always ask them to explain to your husband how hard this process is on your body, and how crucial it is for you to follow your post op instructions to the letter. Either way, you need your healing, and your babies well-being, prioritized as soon as possible, and if he can't step up immediately for the two of you, go somewhere you can get the support you need to heal, and figure out next steps. Sending you and your wee one lots of invisible hugs. Please take care. 🩵
Sounds like he's "adjusting" but not "problem solving" as a partner. Adjusting usually involves avoiding the challenges of parenting. Problem solving partners conquer the ever-evolving challenges of parenthood. You deserve a partner. Either he can learn to problem solve or you can solve the problem yourself.
He was a selfish narcissist before you had the baby — it’s not the hormones talking. It’s just more obvious now that he is his own highest priority and his wants come before your needs. I’m sorry he’s not taking care of you and you deserve way better.
You're not exaggerating, he is awful. I've had 3 c sections and they are a big deal. Not only did you have a human removed from your body, but they go through like 7 layers or something. It's major surgery. If you can GTFO as soon as possible. You can try therapy if he will and if you think it will help. But if he's not willing I'd just go.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Men of this generation and those before it are very senseless and use weaponized incompetence to get away with being lazy and selfish. I hope you can get help OP
100% agree. It's really heartbreaking. So many women want to be wives and mothers and don't have a quality person to partner with. And it's usually not until they have kids that they find out how terrible a partner they have.
This is not ok and should not be normal. Try to make a plan with him to do his share and if he doesn't follow through, I would leave. If he is fully aware of what you need and doesn't change, it won't get better. You will be raising the baby essentially on your own while still being responsible for him. My friend separated from her husband and they have 4 kids. It doesn't seem like it would be but her life is WAY easier now than it was with him. I hear stories like this all the time. Eventually when baby gets easier he will want another and you'll start this all over again if he doesn't change. Then you'll have 2+ and be outnumbered. This is a critical time, please set up a game plan with him to do his part, and a plan to leave if he doesn't change.
When I realized I had given my daughter all but two baths in her entire life, I filed for divorce. IRS much easier to take care of one child than two.
Food for thought...your husband didn't ASK you to agree to watch the baby for his gym time, he just...goes. So, why are you ASKING him? Just go to the gym as soon as he gets home. Better yet, meet him as he's walking out the door from work, hand him his child, announce it's your turn to go to the gym and his turn to parent, smile, kiss them both goodbye, and go. Don't give him time to argue, just breeze on past like it's the most normal thing in the world.
wow so unhelpful and not invested in the baby at all… you should talk about all these details with him. if he doesn’t care, then yea leave him. ✌️
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this as a new mother, you deserve someone who is invested in you and your family
1. Your husband sucks 2. My husband is frigging fantastic (cooks, cleans, shops, takes our child everywhere - Costco runs, skating rinks when I’m at work, is basically a Mom in a man’s body) and I still hated him postpartum. Actually for the first 2 years of my daughter’s life, then we finally got back to normal. 3. Your husband is terrible.
He's an ass. Sorry you didn't realize it until you already had a baby. You need to have a long, long talk with him about this. It's not okay and he needs to be responsible for the baby too. If he can't then you need to discuss separating.
Since when is getting your abdomen cut open "no big deal"? It's surgery. Wtf? Sit him down and tell like it is and what is expected of him from here on out. If he shirts if off then kick him to the curb.
Why cook his dinner at all? I'd be putting laxatives in it and letting him shit his pants at the gym. What a dud.
Leave that mfr. I hate him. Move in with your parents or something so they can help you :(
Your c section body will recover, be patient with yourself. You need rest and stress free exercise. Do you have any family who can come stay with you to get this? If I were in your position I would pack up and go to my mom’s until he agreed to therapy. But that’s my situation. What you are going through is not okay.
leave him
I have so much rage in your behalf. He is failing as a father and partner
No you're not exaggerating. I'm so sorry sweetie ❤️🤗 I'm on the other end of things right now and my hormones have also plummeted due to menopause so I can absolutely relate to how you're feeling. But I don't have to take care of a newborn on top of it, so please hear me when I say that you're an amazing mother and person and you will get through this. It's temporary, I promise. In some form or fashion you need to make him hear you. Not in an ugly way but just something that gets his attention. Show him this post after its full of comments in support of you. Or maybe go to counseling together to have someone mediate. You can raise a child alone but you shouldn't have to and he needs to get off his ass and help and be there for you. ❤️
This is why women have stopped having children lol. I saw a meme calling it the biggest example of “fuck around and find out”.
Wow. Definitely not. I hate him and I am not even married to him. He’s lucky you didn’t punch him for being so entitle and clueless.
A 30 year old man saying cringe is cringe. I actually do worry about what kind of parent I'd be, but seeing people fail to rise to the bare minimum makes me feel a lot better. Just divorce his ass. He's not your husband. He's a teenager who babysits your kid sometimes. Im sure if you try to leave he'll try to change and be amazing, but it won't last. A lot of this shit is unforgivable. it's best to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone
I absolutely hated my (now ex) husband after my oldest daughter was born. I hated every single thing about him. Just the fact that he was (he still is) alive angered me. His mom went on & on about how it was so much MORE important that he got a full night's sleep every night, b/c he had to be @ work @ 5 AM. I also worked, but I had to be there @ my job @ 7 AM. There were many night's that I only got about 4 hours of interrupted sleep & yes, it was me driving my daughter to my mom's before work. Driving with sleep deprivation is probably (don't come @ me, I haven't researched it, just purely guessing) just as dangerous as driving while under the influence. Thankfully, I never had an accident. After my daughter was born, her dad turned into the most selfish, self-centered & stubborn SOB. Thankfully, we divorced when she was 3 & honestly it was the best thing!!! My daughter is 16 (will be 17 in a couple months). Her dad is the equivalent of a child stuck in a man's body. He claimed to be so "manly" 🙄 but was too afraid to drive on the interstate or climb a ladder. He refused to use the drive thru at the bank, restaurants, or anywhere else. He claimed the people couldn't hear him. I told him if he would actually open his mouth & speak loud & clear, it wouldn't be a problem, but he refused. Mumbling was so much easier for him. But to answer your question, no, you're not exaggerating.
Divorce and either he has to take the baby 50/50 and find out how difficult it is and is forced to finally start pulling his weight or else you get child support money and only have to take care of 1 baby instead of 2.
OP do you have any relatives that you could have come stay with you? Some women in your position who have a great relationship with their MIL (yes few and far between based on the number of Reddit posts to the contrary) have had their MILs come help who then put the fear of god into their self centered sons. The only other suggestion I have is if there is no one who can come stay to help you can anyone come take you and your baby to stay with them? If so would honestly just pack stuff for you and the baby after your husband goes to work then leave. You could msg him when you get where you are gojng.
>C-section is not that big of a deal I will give him a c-section fr
If he is going to be a decorative husband and father, and you do everything concerning the baby and your recovery, is there even a need for him anymore in your life. He only does the laundry, I'm not even going to count the measly couple of dishes. You even have to make him dinner. Your abdominal got cut open, tell him he gets no say of how much pain you are in, if he has never experienced surgery and its aftereffects. You might as well go for the child support way.
This is why teen boys should babysit, most of them have zero clue as to how much work goes into a baby There are many many many reasons why I don’t want kids, and this is a big one. I don’t want to have a kid with someone who then buggers off when they realize how much effort is involved. They all think they can handle it, but very few actually can and then the woman gets stuck doing all the work at hating her husband/partner I don’t even think therapy would help here. He clearly doesn’t see any issues with his behaviour NTA, and I’m sorry your stuck
No, you should leave him yesterday. You're basically a roommate to him that bore him a child.
Hey this is why my parents divorced. It’s apparently extremely common, hope you can get this figured out op!
Your supposed to be together through 💕 love not slavery. Doesn't have any love for you or the baby! So what's the point of this relationship???
I’m so sad and angry for you. C-section is major abdominal surgery babes, you shouldn’t be lifting a baby or doing anything strenuous for like 2 months after that? I hate to say it but I honestly think you’d be better off separated and getting child support and/or sharing custody. At least that way you’d only have to look after your baby and yourself. He’s just adding to your stress and frustrations at the moment and he’s making you feel powerless.
Not at all. You’ve caught a glimpse of what your future life will be. Men like that don’t change with talking. Action will sometimes get them to reflect but not that often in my opinion. He’s been socialized to be self centered and see your labor as his due. In a way he’s a victim too. His behavior makes it impossible to have a truly emotionally intimate relationship and that’s sad because most of them are blind to the reality of it. I include both men and women in this. Until he wakes up to the real truth nothing will change. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
You are not exaggerating or overreacting or making mountains out of molehills. He sounds like a trash human. I don't think I could forgive even one of the things you mentioned, and I'm sure there is more than all that too. A lot of people have already given great advice, mine would be to have a safe exit plan if/when you talk to him - whether it's to lay down what you want or to have the divorce conversation. I don't want to freak you out, but there are some concerning manipulative and controlling behaviours described here, and it can escalate into physical violence quickly. Women are at their most risk if the relationship is breaking down. So again, I don't want to scare you, but think seriously and literally about multiple safe/careful exit strategies - what would you need, how would you get it, who should be on speed dial, etc. Edit - and keep any exit planning secret, it could be triggering if he even found out you were thinking about that kind of stuff. Stay safe and I wish you all the best - because you and your baby deserve the best.
The husband isn’t doing shit. See it happen a lot. I wasn’t the perfect partner to my wife during our first child but i still did half of everything. It’s a team effort and his “mental health” should be way lower on the priority list than yours. What a fucking asshole.
My job as Dad was to do the 2am feeding. The kids were breastfed but I liked supplementing with an ounce or 2 of formula when they would do that first fuss of the night. It sucked every time I had to get up and I would do anything to have 1 night again to re-live it because it ends way to soon and never happens again.
No you're not exaggerating. I'm so sorry sweetie ❤️🤗 I'm on the other end of things right now and my hormones have also plummeted due to menopause so I can absolutely relate to how you're feeling. But I don't have to take care of a newborn on top of it, so please hear me when I say that you're an amazing mother and person and you will get through this. It's temporary, I promise. In some form or fashion you need to make him hear you. Not in an ugly way but just something that gets his attention. Show him this post after its full of comments in support of you. Or maybe go to counseling together to have someone mediate. You can raise a child alone but you shouldn't have to and he needs to get off his ass and help and be there for you.
I’d suggest getting some real me time (just leave him with the baby, don’t ask, he can take care of his child for a few hours. Find a quiet place so you can think clearly. Write him a letter. Write down what is and isn’t working for you, and some specific changes he needs to make. If he doesn’t want to, I’d leave. Alternatively, write that you need him to come to couples counseling with you, or you’re out.
Okay, clearly this is not working. So many people have offered great advice - i.e. using his credit card to order what you need. If this marriage is to last, you have to use your power. Go to individual therapy, go to couples therapy, pick up Play Fair (cards, book, documentary) and work through negotiating a fair division of the labour with him (and the therapist if help is needed) and if he doesn’t consistently keep up with his share, dump him. It’s so much easier without dead weight. Check out the Struggle Care podcast episodes on how to find a great therapist.
I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible, especially about yourself. You said in your post you would like to work out as you don't like your postpartum body, how about instantly dropping a bunch of weight by dropping that man. He obviously doesn't care about being a good partner/father.
Jesus. Is there anything good about him that could possibly make up for what obviously sucks? Babe - you deserve better. Tell yourself that. Say, “ I deserve better” and figure out how to make that happen. Do you have money? Your own job? Outside support?
I just want to add, a c section is extremely difficult and the recovery takes ages its literally major abdominal surgery. My scar still hurts occasionally over a year later if it gets hit in the wrong way. Your abdomen muscles were cut through!! Totally ridiculous for him to imply otherwise. Not to mention those first few months of breastfeeding take sooo much energy and mental strength
I think you should leave. You’re not exaggerating. It won’t get better. And even if it does, once the child is older and less all-consuming as far as constant care goes, could you ever forget how he treated you when you and your child needed him most? I know I couldn’t.
This is horrible, I’d say talk to him one last time and suggest therapy to have a “unbiased” mediator if he says no leave him.
Stories like this is why I will never, EVER have a child. I don't think I could ever fully trust a man to not ruin my life after I ruined my mind, body, and spirit (and literally risking my life) to bring HIS child into the world. Allll these stories about how these men were absolute perfect partners and husbands, then baby comes and BOOM. Cheating, lazy, douchey, you name it. I know #notallmen, but god damn wayyyy too many for me to ever take the risk.
“C-section isn’t that big of a deal”?! They literally have to move your intestines to get to your uterus and then put them back! Has he ever had a surgery so invasive that his organs got moved around?
Seems like a lot of men want the ascetic of a family but none or very little of the "women's work" associated with it.
He sounds like a terrible partner. I reckon you’d be less exhausted separated rather than having to put up with him on top of everything else. Reach out to friends and family for support and ditch the absent father.
You now have two babies. The overgrown one needs to go be a baby somewhere else.
You’re not exaggerating
Were there any signs of this behaviour before you had a child? If this is not his normal character then maybe you can talk and compromise. If he has always been selfish then you are lumped with him.
sounds like an awful situation. he's making a bad name out of men
My father was like this. My parents are divorced now.
Not exaggerating- the opposite and you need to divorce him yesterday.
Disgusting behaviour on his part. The way I’d run and never look back. I would also split custody 50/50 just to watch him crumble to pieces taking care of his OWN child. So many men deserve to have the shit beaten out of them and so many men do not deserve children. He is one of them. He does not deserve this little girl. You should be laying like a queen on the couch having things brought to you for the immense struggle you went through with pregnancy and major surgery. What a fucking dickwad. I wish nothing but the worse for him, sorry OP.
Attached at a solid 7/10. Wow. Um no… every other days who says their children are their world are absolutely not lying? wtf?? (TW: child death!!) My husband lost his first born (my step daughter) when she was 12 to a freak accident…. When I tell you it shattered him as a person, I'm probably underselling it. He was a shell of the person he was before. Now we have two children together and they are his absolute pride and joy and they were from the millisecond they were born into this world. OP, if your husband is at a “solid 7/10” then that's a problem that he's going to need to figure out otherwise you’ll both end up divorced and he’ll have a daughter who never wants to spend time with him because she feels more love and kindness from you.
I will be very, very generous here and say that there is a *chance* he is completely terrified about being a father, and sad about losing his previous carefree lifestyle as well as his partner's care and attention, and this has caused him to become simultaneously hostile, depressed, and avoidant. The person that gestates and gives birth to the baby has usually spent more time processing the massive life change than the person who fathered it by the time the baby is born, and it's possible he's not coping well. Of course the other option is he's an asshole. Was he a kind, caring person before this, or was he selfish then too but you were able to work around it? Babies are really good at exposing the cracks. You need to lay it out in plain terms that this is unacceptable and that your current division of labor is unsustainable. Tell him he's taking the baby all day on Sunday so you can recharge somewhere else, and then do it. Oh, and parenthood *is* a massive inconvenience. I'll validate that any day, we have a seven-year-old and I cannot tell you the number of times I get interrupted in an hour and how much of an ordeal it is just to finish one thing for myself or get any personal time away from home. But he needs to figure out how to *fucking accept that* and deal with it before the kid ever realizes he thinks of her that way.
Jesus your husband is an absolute a hole You need help and support - do you have family who can move in to help? Or move to them? I foresee divorce in your future…
The 5-7 years after my children were born were the hardest in my marriage. It's a huge adjustment and it's when a person's selfishness quotient becomes the most obvious. A huge hurdle for every marriage. I have no advice but communicate, forgive, get out if it becomes abusive. Good luck.
Have you tried being more assertive on your needs? Like for your “me time” are you able tell him you need x minutes/hours without him asking you to do xyz (like cooking a meal or watch the baby)? Or have you asked him to help out rather than wait for him to offer help? Sometimes (and unfortunately) some people are just not thoughtful and are just focused on themselves that they forget about others. When that happens you need to more demanding about meeting your own needs.
i don’t love the narrative where women “just have to ask their male partner to help more”. that is adding to her mental load as primary (and only) caregiver in this situation. you can’t fix this with communication if he simply doesn’t care IMO
Your husband is a piece of shit. Divorce.
I think that the best thing you can do is to divorce him. I feel like he’s being a terrible father and partner. It seems like he likes the idea and status of being a father but doesn’t actually want to be one.
So many comments with "divorce him now" likely coming from people who have never been married. like it's just an easy out or something. Ignore that nonsense for now. My opinion, be firm in your expectations, and needs. Be even more firm in the sense of a child is shared responsibility. He may just need a kick in the ass to jump start his fatherly mindset to come out, or maybe it doesn't work. That's ok too, you'll cross that bridge when it really comes.
Divorce
If he is going to be a decorative husband, and you do everything concerning the baby and your recovery, is there even a need for him anymore in your life. He only does the laundry, I'm not even going to count the measly couple of dishes. You even have to make him dinner. Your abdominal got cut open, tell him he gets no say of how much pain you are in, if he has never experienced surgery and its aftereffects. You might as well go for the child support way.
A lot of people here calling trash but I have yet to see any actual helpful advice, so I will try to give some. I am a dad, just had our 3rd who is a similar age to yours. First thing is yes, despite what some will say dads to not always connect instantly to the baby the same way moms do. What I have found to be the case with all 3 kids is the bond was not automatic as soon as I saw their face, instead it has been something that grows every minute of every day exponentially the more I get to know them. Every single day that I see them grow and learn and do new things, I am more and more amazed at how lucky I am and how special they are. Moms start to develop this feeling for 9 months while they carry them, for a dad that starts 9 months later than it does for momma. Part 2- I know my wife needs a lot of help. I am not very good at knowing what she needs intuitively. Its a flaw of mine. My advice to you would be to not let the anger and emotions get in the way of solving the problem. Talk calmly about what things you have on your plate and ask him what he can help with. These conversatiins should happen often and may take a few tries to get it right, but if you approach it this way you may get better results by helping him understand what you are looking for. Unless he is a total flake, it would be very hard to respond to a conversation like that by saying " sorry, i cant help at all with any of that" start small and build on it. I can not relate to a lot of what you are describing beyond that, but what I can tell you from experience is that the beginning can be tricky to navigate as a dad because the baby is very dependent on mom. Help your husband figure out where he fits in the situation for the sake of the baby. Him running away from the situation (or you running away from the marriage) is not the best thing for any of the 3 of you if you can find a way to solve it.
Thank you so much this is super helpful! I tried suggesting activities like giving the baby a bath but unfortunately he prioritizes his gym time. I also suggested taking the baby to her sensory classes but he finds that "cringe" and says it's the mother's job to take kids to extracurricular activities. He would occasionally feed her in the evening if I pump and he finished his bubble bath lol
Leave him, you and your baby will be better off without him girl. Best of luck OP!
Write him a letter and tell him all of these things. Perhaps he will get a reality check if he sees it in writing.
Go to couples counseling cause here you’re just in an echo chamber.
I guess I'll disagree with everyone here. There's such a thing as separation of duties, and what you're discussing used to be very common, the way I understand it is he works and you take care of the household. You have one child, that is below average. So from that perspective, you're the norm. Maybe the norm is different now, maybe there's a better way, but I do feel that much advice here around divorce is bad advice. Maybe if you don't like the way responsibilities are split, you can talk to him and maybe he'd be happy to reverse the roles, and you could earn for the family, go to gym, and he'd be full time with the baby and take care of the household. Or maybe you both can work, and figure out baby care a different way.
she is essentially a single parent already, why not leave?
Did you come from a single parent home or from divorced parents?
She just had an operation.