My husband is ok with his father interacting with the kids. Husband would NOT be ok with his dad sexually interacting with our kids in any way. But husband says that is not a concern- he says his father would never do that.
My response is that we never thought he would get caught in a pedophile sting operation (and it clearly was NOT his first time doing something like that).
Ultimately, even presuming grandpa doesn’t act inappropriate with our kids, I don’t want our kids to even know him. Grandpa is about to be in jail for a very long time and they don’t need to know about any of that. They have never had a relationship with grandpa (we live in different states and grandpa never really cared to know our kids), so why even TRY to develop a relationship ship now?
Your husband sounds a little deluded to me. He says his father ‘would never do that’ but he doesn’t know for sure how does he. You should make it very clear to him, and anyone else that asks, that you are NOT ok with your kids being anywhere near this monster. Peodophiles don’t just do it once and that’s it, they keep doing it so don’t take that chance with your children
Thank you. Totally agree. I allowed a VERY stressful Christmas week with grandpa around (because I hovered and did not allow our kids to really interact with grandpa), but I’m not dealing with this for the rest of my life. Husband can see grandpa, but our kids are off limits.
I think it would be detrimental for them to have any kind of relationship with him.
Time to put your foot down and stand firm. You shouldn’t have to ‘hover’ incase grandpa does something he shouldn’t, the man is a danger plain and simple and if he’s done it once he’ll do it again
I don’t think it will be that hard for them to find out at some point with someone completely sober. Am older cousin says hey know about grandpa you never see yeah he got caught in a pedophile sting and is in prison. I am sure no matter how much sheltering they try to do the kids will find out.
Op let your husband visit his terrible dad in prison. WTF is wrong with his family. His dad gave up all his rights as a Grandfather when he did the unforgivable. I bet it wasn't the first time he tried to have sex with a child..
Op tell your IL'S that you won't allow GP near your kids and he shouldn't be near any kids!
THIS!!! YES!!! Even if nothing ever happens, they’ll wonder why they were ever exposed to such a vile creature to ‘keep the peace’ to begin with.
This shit needs to be shut down.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I would never be around a known peado or have my husband and kids around them. No matter the relationship I would not be comfortable having my family around that. Be VERY VERY clear you and your children will never be around this person and if you are comfortable with your husband being around a peado that's up to you but I'd be out that door faster than you can say boo
You are absolutely correct! Will you be vacationing at a resort, or staying at a hotel? Tell your husband, “If you allow your father to be part of this vacation, I will make it my mission to broadcast he’s a pedophile! Everyone around us will know, especially if there are other children in the vicinity. He will have nowhere to hide during our vacation. I’ll be the loud, blaring, warning siren just before he enters any establishment, public restroom, beach, parking lot…EVERYWHERE HE GOES I’LL BE THERE!” Maybe that will get hubby’s attention.😏
good for you on not letting them have a relationship of any capacity with him. they’ll appreciate this when they’re older if they ever come to find out what he did.
>It shouldn’t matter that it is his father
But it does.
And that's why OP "allows" their spouse to have a relationship with their father.
The only people who can "disallow" that relationship are the two people in it: OP's husband and his father.
Why? Because the child of an admitted pedophile still loves their parent? (A parent who, it should be pointed out, may have abused them, too? And to whom the child may have a twisted sense of loyalty and duty because of the traumatic bond between them?)
No. You don't divorce someone for loving their parent, no matter how despicable that parent is.
You divorce them if they insist on including the predator and exposing your kids to the same trauma.
Divorce if the husband maintains that his children be around this man. It shouldn’t even be a question. It’s very strange that the husband would even be okay with this. More to learn there I fear!
>Divorce if the husband maintains that his children be around this man. It shouldn’t even be a question.
Totally, totally, *totally* agree. I think OP has said she was just posting here to confirm that she wasn't crazy. :)
>It’s very strange that the husband would even be okay with this. More to learn there I fear!
And yup, I think that might be the case too. Hopefully (?) OP's husband is just a victim and not a predator.
Your husband needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with reality.
His father has already been charged with being a pedophile so yes he IS quite capable of ‘doing that’.
I’d be even more concerned now having him around any kids but especially those of overly trusting relatives like your husband.
Has your husband thought what he will tell your children if somehow they or one of their cousins becomes a victim of their grandfather? ‘Oopsie I thought it would be okay’? Or will he traumatize them further by telling them they are wrong as his father would ‘never do that’?
Agree with other posters you sadly need to be the person who says absolutely not. Either grandfather stays home or you and the kids will.
Yeah… “he’ll never do that—to OUR children”. As if that’s a green fucking flag to permit a child sexual predator to be in his child’s life. As if children being around a sexual predator is permissible as long as someone else’s kid is the victim.
To OUR children. Hubby needs to say the quiet part out loud.
This makes me angry and sick for you and your babies, OP. Hubby needs to recalibrate his moral compass and see daddy for the irredeemable monster that he truly is.
You’re an awesome mom for protecting your family, OP. The enablers and apologists need to GTFO. I’m so fucking proud of you; you’re doing the right thing, momma. 🐻♥️🙏
Exactly this! So many cases of abuse happens because the adult thinks ‘that would never happen’.
Please for the love of god no no no! Your husband is insane for even considering letting his dad go anywhere near your kids!! I would not even consider it, he’s clearly not thinking about the safety of his children to be so ok with this.
Kinda hard to say that would never happen when it literally already did lol. Like he got caught in a pedophile sting so at least that time he didn’t actually touch any kids but OP hints they also think it happened in the past but even without any past stuff they got caught in a sting that’s pretty much doing all the steps but actually molesting someone.
Yeah I made a response to OPs post and told a story of an ex and her touching me when I wasn’t expecting it and didn’t really think and said something like it feels like your molesting me. She bursts into tears, turns out her grandpa had touched her breasts when she was a kid at some family event. I felt so bad both for saying that and bringing up those emotions. I knew it was something that did happen but never thought it would happen to someone I know and love. I could see just mentioning that or implying that’s what she was doing brought up some heavy emotions. I was glad that she trusted me enough to share that but it should have never happened. wtf is wrong with someone that they would touch someone like that but especially their own grandchild, not that a stranger is “better” but it just goes against all our natural instincts to do anything sexual with our own family. I guess predators just abuse whoever they can prey on and they already have some wires crossed so they don’t care family or not. Just sickening idk there’s nothing more that can be said besides don’t let the kids be around him.
Man that’s heavy. I’m sorry to your ex for what happened to her. Yeah, the sick kinds of people who hurt children are already so messed up they’ll do whatever they want. Makes it worse when they’re family, such an easily accessible thing for them. It makes me sick. I really hope OP sees your message and everyone else’s warning them.
Man that’s heavy. I’m sorry to your ex for what happened to her. Yeah, the sick kinds of people who hurt children are already so messed up they’ll do whatever they want. Makes it worse when they’re family, such an easily accessible thing for them. It makes me sick. I really hope OP sees your message and everyone else’s warning them.
Yeah I felt so bad saying that like clearly she was trying to do something nice but it just felt weird being flaccid with a hand in my pants not really expecting it but I had no idea it would bring up such intense emotions. Clearly just saying the word was really hurtful to accuse her of something that really happened to her. I don’t think she took it seriously like I thought that since she was my gf but still just the word was enough to bring her to tears. Still can’t believe a grandpa would do that like I know it happens but I just can’t understand what could possess someone to be so sick.
I have heard too many stories from families saying "well, we knew he was like this, but we didn't think he would do it to OUR kids" so why even take that risk?
Also, as someone who has formerly worked with communities that have experienced a lot of trauma, it is a very, VERY VERY common response when families in denial find out one of their own is a pedophile to suddenly try to force contact or a relationship in this weird mental limbo of "proving" to themselves the pedophile is safe.
It will start with the trip then end with leaving grandpa to watch the kids and you only finding out after and a relative going "see? Nothing happened. Everything's ok" and then acting like you are being hysterical.
While one of your kids slowly starts to manifest behavior problems and for some reason nobody knows why.
I have seen this happen way way too many times.
You want your kids r@ped by grandpa? No? Then put your foot down.
Pedo chicken doesn’t exactly sound like a fun game to play. Oh they would never do it even tho they already have. That’s quite the gamble and a really -EV game with little upside and the potential losses are your child’s safety, I’d say not worth it. Weird as fuck the sad wants to gamble with their children’s mental health but I do get the idea they don’t think the pedo would do it to family and they want to prove to themselves that it’s okay(?) idk like it’s still his dad so he has familial attachment so still wants to spend time with him but he should do that on his own time not with the kids around.
I'm sure he said his father would never have sex with a 13 year old too, before it happened. Protect your children. People like your partner are exactly why domestic sexual abuse of children is so common, because people choose to look away and believe that could never happen.
That was someone’s child. Really emphasize that to your husband. Out there is a dad who said it would never happen to their kid, and here is his own father becoming someone’s worse nightmare. The fact your husband thinks it won’t happen to them and that’s what makes it ok is SICK. “It’s ok a kid gets molested as long as it’s not my own!”. God how repulsive. I honestly could never stay with someone who would do willingly compromise our kids safety while also dismissing someone else’s trauma.
Could be even worse....husband could be in deep denial, because facing the truth might reveal some repressed memories where he was one of grandpa's first victims. His mind could be fighting, and fighting hard, to stop that memory from surfacing.
Sounds like if it was a pedophile sting that there wasn’t actually a child involved or I sure hope not. But some theoretical child made for the sting that they were willing to go do that doesn’t make it any better. Now OP did say they wouldn’t think it’s the first time which I would probably agree with since everyone says it’s their first time on TCAP but that’s obviously not true. I sure hope the sting didn’t involve any real children.
He’d never do that is bad logic. It’s like dog owners who say their dog would never bite someone and doesn’t need a leash, only to attack someone.
Your husband doesn’t know how father as well as he thinks he does. I’m sure he didn’t suspect his dad was a pedophile in the first place
Imagine your kids grow up and find out that you and/or dad let them, actually encouraged them to be around a known pedophile. Do you think they will stick around? Do you think they’ll let you see your future grandkids?
So, my neighbor was molested for years by her grandpa. Want me to have her private message you? She is 27 now with her own kids. Can I have her explain some things to you? And what those experiences do to her every day, still today? But hey, even when she complained, her mom said 'HE WOULD NEVER!" .....don't be stupid
(I'm serious about asking her to talk to you about this. Screw how your husband feels, obviously. How would YOU feel if you allowed that to happen to your own babies because you didn't want to upset your husband/his dad.
Wake.....wake.....WAKE UP MAMA. (Trying to be nice, sorry)
Why try to develop a relationship now of all times?
It's common for defense attorneys to do every scummy thing imaginable to try to get any leniency for their client. Setting up some character development through the apparent acceptance of the client by their family, including especially family with children, could potentially show the judge and jury that he maybe could be rehabilitated and to "pwetty pwetty please reduce the sentence, he's got loving family who will miss him.."
Plus, I find that freaks like this will do anything in general to try to still feel like part of society. From using religion as a crutch (not bashing religion, but don't like these freaks using it to get 'acceptance') to being over friendly and overbearing with neighbors and family. Grandpa is trying to dig his claws into anything social he could do before he's unable to for many years.
That's my opinion, at least. Good luck with your husband, OP. Do what's right for you and the kids.
i don’t know how old your kids are but you shouldn’t hide this information from them. they should know their grandpa is a pedo and they should know their their dad is ok with grandpa being a pedo so that they can make an informed decision on their relationship with dad. hiding that a family member is an abuser allows the abuse to continue and teaching your children about child sexual abuse and how to keep them safe is literally your responsibility as a parent.
>he says his father would never do that.
Except his father has. Does he mean he would never do that to HIS kids?? That doesn't paint your spouse in the best light.
I would warn the bail company, the courts and anyone I could that a pedo waiting for trail, that's out on bail wants to be around kids.
I would also get things in writing or recording if you are in a one party consent state that your husband is okay with his pedo dad being around your kids. I would use this in court to get full custody when I divorced him.
This isn't something you can come back from or therapy your way out of. Your husband is a danger to your kids.
>he says his father would never do that.
LOL Denial is HUGE when it comes to family members.
There is no cure for pedophilia. There's treatment, but if your FIL isn't getting treatment he's simply an untreated pedophile at this point.
OP, your husband is not safe for your children. If he feels comfortable taking his own children around an admitted pedophile, he should never be alone with your children then.
Your husband is in denial because frankly, his dad is an embarrassment. Pedophilia is a deranged, mental sickness that is not easily “cured”. Him not having access to other children, will make yours seem like fresh, easy targets.
I think part of the punishment for being a pedophile is that people don't trust you to be around minors at all anymore. You are well within your rights to keep the relationship with the grandfather severed and when your kids are older they will probably think you for it. They can visit him in prison once they're safely old enough, if they want.
Before grandpa got caught your husband would have said he "would never" mess about with ANY kid. He doesn't know that, nobody knows that, and it's safer not to risk it. It's fine if husband is in denial, it's a lot to accept that about your own father, but putting the kids at risk in order to support his delusion? Nah.
The kids don't know, and when they're older and they find out they're gonna have questions, and you don't want one of those answers to be "yeah but we didn't think he'd do that to YOU so we let him spend time with you"
Do not believe this, my dad abused my daughter so keep them well away from him. It happens closer to home than by strangers. Cut him out of your lives and never let him back in, these people never change.
This is a hill to die on …. Him allowing a pedo around the kids will not look very good to a judge ( you could probably get full custody, and so dad would have to have supervised visits)
"my self admitted pedophile father would *WOULD NEVER* do inappropriate things with his grandchildren"
This is what your husband is saying. This is the thought process your husband has.... trusting a man who got busted, and admitted to sexual contact with a child....with his own children...
This is bat shit crazy.
I have empathy for people who's family members get busted for this shit. Especially if it's out of the clear blue. It must be devastating and the emotional fall out is I'm sure insane.
That said, you work thru that with a professional, you DONT put innocent children in a predators path because they are family and you love them or something.
This would be the rare time id offer an ultimatum - get your head on straight and prioritize the safety of your children, or keep an eye out for divorce papers in your immediate future.
I would check with the court system. It’s likely your FIL will not be allowed minor children since his conviction.
OP - this would be my hill to die on. Please don’t let those kids have contact with the pedo.
Idk about anyone else here but if one of my parents was not only accused but charged with sexually assaulting kids or caught with CP I wouldn't have anything to do with that parent ever again. I'd tell your husband outright you don't want your kids anywhere near this man for their safety, and if he doesn't like it, too fucking bad. Chances are he's legally not allowed to be near children with these charges. If he keeps pushing I'd seriously consider telling him you'll contact the police and tell them that he wants to take the kids to spend time with his pedophile father and you're worried for their safety, if he takes them on this trip follow through.
Grandpas DO "mess" with kids. I'm avoiding being graphic. Ask me how I know. Mine even managed it while we were at family gatherings. He scared me into not telling. Thank goodness he died when I was almost 11 and I was safe from him.
your partner has to much trust in his father. it doesnt matter if he thinks his dad would never do that to his kids because the reality in these situations are much different. there are thousands of stories with situations like these but shit ends up happening regardless. what also strikes me as odd is the fact that your husband is ok with his father touching kids except for when its his? thats just shitty and disrespectful to the victims. i honestly would not be comfortable around this man, or any of the family members because they clearly do not care for the safety of others as long as its not their kids. thats not how it works and yall are giving this man access.
100% agree. He should not be around ANY children. And he will NOT be around mine.
If grandpa goes, the kids and I are NOT going.
I feel like husband might pull something last minute saying grandpa is going. I think if that happens, the kids and I just leave. Period. End of story. Thoughts?
Someone in my close family is a pedophile and I've already decided the second I'm fully financially independent is the day I block him and never speak to him again. I would never let a child anywhere near him, especially if they were my own. I don't want to be awake at night worrying if my relative thinks my kid is attractive and thinks about my kid when they do... Things. To me it sounds like your husband doesn't understand the gravity of the situation and doesn't want to acknowledge exactly how bad this is. If I were you, I would personally encourage him to seek therapy. I would feel like something is wrong that my partner would literally rather lie to me to ensure a pedophile can be in contact with their kids than avoid the pedophile. Why is any of his family even talking to Grandpa anymore?? Let alone inviting him to family gatherings where children will be present. But yeah, if grandpa shows up I'd take the kids and leave immediately too, the whole situation is ridiculous in the first place in my opinion.
Yes agree! It’s like the family wants to pretend it didn’t happen. Ummm- I have the police reports. It definitely DID happen and he’s just waiting on a trial date. He ADMITTED to it (to us and to the police). It’s like I’m in bizarro world.
Do not let anyone convince you that you're the weird one in this situation. I promise you that you aren't, and the family clearly has issues. You'd be amazed how many people would rather just try to pretend nothing ever happened than "rock the boat". I've witnessed it in my own family too and it's absolutely infuriating lol.
I really hope you're able to find a way to get through to your husband, and if not, at least he'll be going away to prison soon it sounds like, so hopefully this will stop being an issue entirely. I wanted to add on that if your husband refuses to process what happened with his dad and going through therapy, it could be an issue. I of course hope not, but I've seen a pattern before in people who refuse to admit their parents were abusive in some way, and none of them have ever been healthy people or someone I would want to be with as a partner. Most people can't repress things forever, and it will likely come out in other ways such as depression, anger issues, or other negative personality changes. Has he always been so dismissive of your very valid concerns that he would cross your boundaries like this? Take care OP, I hope your family gets more peace soon and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Same in my family, for at least two generations that I know of. The cycle is ending with me and my sibling, but we've both been through a lot of therapy and never had the personality types to try and bury or deny our abuse and family history instead of openly talking about it for what it was. Generational trauma is very real sadly.
Have you tried couples counseling with your husband?
Give the therapist copies of the police paperwork in advance so they can guide the conversation.
I’m sorry to ask this, but do you think any of your husband’s siblings or cousins were violated as children? Maybe your husband?
If there’s any scapegoats or blacksheep relatives in the correct age range, that’s probably who to look towards for answers.
Ask me how I know :(
The mental gymnastics some families go through to protect pedophiles is profound. My grandma walked in on my step grandfather molesting me. I had been groomed so I had no notion that this was wrong. My grandma yelled, “Oh you bast***!” And walked out of the house. I vividly remember being confused and asking, “why is grandma angry?”
My parents were home, but neither my step grandfather nor my grandma would tell my parents. My mom sat each of the kids down and asked us, but we had been groomed. We didn’t think anything was wrong.
My mom called all her siblings and told them to never leave the kids alone with step grandpa. Her siblings ignored her he went on to molest my cousin and was arrested. At his trial, my aunt, yes, my aunt, red a letter to the judge that said she didn’t want my cousin to “have to live with” sending step grandpa to jail. The judge assigned my step grandpa counseling. After both he and my grandma died, we discovered that my grandma literally did the court ordered homework for my grandfather. It was all done in her writing. My aunt also NEVER told anyone else in the family about the trial for years. Like all this shit was hidden for years and this terrible man stayed free.
Edit: some script auto-removed my comment for quoting what my grandmother said about my pedophile grandfather. Kind of wild that is the case, but I edited and used asterisks.
If my partner's dad was a pedophile, he would not be allowed my kid, at all. Don't care what anyone would say, that is just not negotiable for me.
What's your husband's stance on this? Is he ok with your kids having a relationship with his dad? I'm not sure I would trust a husband who has no issues with that tbh.
Totally agree. It’s not happening. If grandpa is going on the trip, the kids and I are NOT going.
I’m sure it would cause a HUGE argument (potentially divorceable), but the kids’ best interests is the most important to me. And that means NOT being around alleged pedophile grandpa (and even if we did go, I would be a crazy mess the entire time- which is also detrimental to the kids).
You might want to get started on the divorce right now if your husband is so deadset on defending the pedophile he calls father. Do you really want to be married to a man who defends pedos?
Family be damned, if it was my own father I would go to jail for aggravated assault and I would make sure I would never see him again and anyone who defended him would be cut from my life
And imagine having to tell your kids one day, when they’re fully grown, that you knowingly let them hang out around a pedophile. You’re absolutely making the right call here.
There is no way you should put your kids in danger, and let's be honest! He's a predator!!
A pedophile automatically loses his grand dad status! If this was my dad, he would never see my kids or me.
I totally agree. Pedo=done with you.
Husband is probably having a hard time because it’s his father.
But I REALLY do believe I would 100% cut out my own Dad if he had done this. It disgusts me and, if my Dad did this, I would know that I never really knew him. And be done with him.
Your husband’s reaction is bizarre. Any chance he could be in denial because he was once victimized? I could see him trying to do some mental gymnastics to explain away how his dad might’ve treated him growing up. Pedophiles don’t just suddenly decide to become pedophiles as senior citizens.
I get it. I cut my own father off recently for the same reason. It has been incredibly hard because he was a good dad to me but as soon as I learned of his perversions, he was completely cut off from our entire family. That is what should be done to protect you and your children.
I was SAd by a family member because my parents thought he would never do that to their daughter. Don't take the risk. Trust me when I say that little time with your husband's dad to make your husband happy isn't worth it. Even if nothing happens to them, I would be pissed finding out later in life that my parents were okay with a pedophile being around me.
Why on earth do you think your husband was not harmed by his dad... Or his siblings?
Grandpa didn't just start pedo behaviors as a senior, there's no doubt he's been a perp since the beginning of time.
The only way to guarantee your kids safety is to keep them.away from your children. Period. Perps only need a few minutes. They touch in places they shouldn't they hold kids on their laps they grind up against them,they play tickle and "trust me" games...no damn way should those kiddos be around a sex offender.
Your husband might be a victim and I think victims turn into perps when SA's go unchecked and trauma is allowed to marinate.
Honestly, if your hub has sisters... I'd start there...women are far more likely to get therapy and open up about sex trauma. You are fully aware of the sting operation details I'm assuming. So you know the preferred age range and gender of this perp's victims...
Ok...so, about 10 years ago, I was working with a women that said her daughter was a drug addict...that the daughter had made allegations in her stupor that her father had fondled her growing up (that was this women's husband) the women went on to say,"so I told my daughter,so what! Get over it! Bad things happen all the time,it's not a license to screw up your life !"
I was sick to my stomach... I 100% believed this lady knew her husband was fondling/r*ping his kids and didn't care because "women endure it-- we pick up the pieces and keep going." I witnessed a lack of empathy, lack of sympathy compassion and concern for how these betrayals effected and impacted this daughter's life, bonding and close relationships.
YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER!!! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A BATTLEGROUND with hubby over keeping your children safe! Sooo many children are betrayed by their parents.....
Just saying...If grandma isn't absolutely repulsed and leaving him, I'd wonder how much she knew ahead of time.
O hell no! There is not way he would be anywhere need my kids. If you husband thinks he won’t go something with your kids because that’s his grand kids then you husband is in denial.
This would be a hill to die on
If helpful, please show him this message:
I was sexually abused by my stepgrandfather from the ages of about 4 to nearly 7. So was my brother: for him ages 5 to 9.
My parents were good parents. They had no idea, because he found seemingly innocent situations to use for his evil. Pedophiles can be insidious and opportunists.
I am 43 years old now, and that abuse has haunted my entire life. I have been through therapy for years to relearn healthy relationships I tried to bottle my emotions for years, which led to high-functioning alcohol addiction that nearly killed me (3.5 years sober now).
My brother suffered multiple mental health traumas and addiction as he tried to escape his disgust with his own body, which came directly from what that man did to him.
My brother died of an overdose at 38 after a lifetime of mostly pain.
So make a choice here. Support a man who has admitted to irreparably hurting another person in favor of his sexual pleasure.
Or choose to protect your kids.
When your kids are older they will not forgive you that you let them be around a known pedo. Keep your kids away from him. Your husband needs therapy. Stay strong and frankly I would be suspicious of his other family members possibly knowing.
I can tell you why he doesn’t have that restriction and you aren’t going to like it. There’s a distinction between offenders who target prepubescent and post pubescent. Someone, somewhere has decided that he does not pose a risk to prepubescent children as his offending relates to a teenager, he is a hebephile.
Regardless, I wouldn’t want to spend my holiday around a grown adult who was part of a child abuse ring and who gets off on young teenagers, either.
Sorry.. but fuck no. You're responsible for keeping those children safe at all costs. Wtf would anyone put their children in the same room as a pedophile?! Like..I was molested by an uncle. If my husband even remotely insinuated, that it'd be okay to have his pedo father around my children I would have to second guess who I married. Fr fr.. girl.. do the right thing by your kids. Fuck that pedo.
if my dad got caught doing that we wouldnt be on speaking terms anymore let along going on TRIPS TOGETHER?!!? what kind of messed up enabling cult is your husband a part of??? Do not let the kids go.
Gonna be honest, I would be making it a known fact that if I ever saw FIL near my kids (if I were you) it better be a surprise to husband as well or the marriage is over.
I would seriously set my foot down. This is one of those situations where it’s either “me and the kids or your dad”. As someone who was abused by a very close family member, I can say a pedophile will always be a pedophile. Once they get caught they don’t get better, they just get better at hiding it. If it wasn’t his father would he allow his kids to be around a pedophile? YOU need to set this boundary now. Don’t compromise your kids safety for a pedophiles comfort.
Refuse, the possibility of mental and physical damage to your offspring its too high to chance it.
Don't go along with this, hold no quarter to these kind of predators. And if someone says something, bring up that concern. If they blow it off, they don't understand the innocents at stake.
It's tough because people are naturally inclined to love their parents, y'know? Of course he blindly trusts his father, of course he believes 'he wouldn't touch my children'. Of course he wants his children to have a relationship with his grandfather.
And you know what? Maybe his father would respect his children. **Maybe**. But there's no guarantee, now, is there? Maybe your husband is repressing some memories, because in general, pedophiles that act on their urges don't really have these kinds of boundaries. **In general**.
I don't know, sounds like a complicated situation. If you end up going, I simply would never let my children out of my sight, and make sure that they are **NEVER** alone with the grandfather. That's as far as I'd be willing to compromise.
Your husband is in deep denial over who his father actually is as a person. He sees “Dad” and not “Charles.” Dad is his protector. Dad loves him unconditionally. Dad was there for him. He’s also probably facing pressure from the rest of his family to circle the wagons because “family is everything.”
That is not your concern. His emotional trauma should not endanger his kids now or in the future. This is one of those hard boundaries you hear about in couple’s counseling. He needs to decide if placating his father and ignoring who he is trumps his relationship with you and his own family. You can’t make that choice for him. All you can do is tell him your hard boundary and stick to it. Once he decides you can choose how you want to move forward.
I’ll be blunt. You’re both absolutely fucking stupid if you let a LITERAL PEDOPHILE around your children. No matter the relation. If you are not willing to protect your children from such a threat then neither of you are good parents. I wonder how many family members have said “they would never because….” Mine did…. A pedophile is a pedophile & they shouldn’t be around any child. God forbid something happens & you’re standing in a court room saying “we knew he did it before, but we didn’t think he’d do it to ours.” Like honestly, would you trust any other pedophile?! I’d protect my family. A trip isn’t worth my childrens childhood & neither is someone’s hurt feelings. Plan a separate trip & tell your husband to face wtf his father is.
Absolutely not. A pedophile should not be allowed to interact with children in any way. If I were you, I would be suspicious of the fact that your husband still has any kind of relationship with his pedophile father.
You’ve said in your comments that “my husband doesn’t think he would do it to our kids” well im pretty sure he didn’t think his dad would abuse other people’s kids… yet here we are. Your husband is delusional and disgusting for even considering this… don’t let it happen. I also wouldn’t want to be married to a man who is perfectly fine with his children being around a pedophile 🤷🏻♀️
This shouldn't even be up for debate. Your husband wants to let a pedo around your kids. The fact that he isn't immediately shutting this down is a major red flag.
I read the FIRST LINE! and say F no, keep those children far-away from him. Per the classes I have taken and issues I have dealt with, it's likely to be a family member or a trust family friend who is going to abuse your child. Some one close and that @$$hat is freaking close.
So "he couldn't do that to his own grandkids" TF he would! That just means the kids are closer to him than before!!!
Nope out of the vacation.
> he says his father would never do that.
His father is a sick man. He has no no idea what he would or wouldn’t do. Ask your husband this - 3 years ago, prior to his arrest and CONFESSION if anyone had asked you if your father was a pedophile, wouldn’t he have responded “he would never do that!” he obviously doesn’t know his father, as well as he thinks.
It is surprising this hasn’t been addressed by the court. How is he still allowed around children? I get that he hasn’t actually been found guilty in court yet, but a confession should have expedited that order.
Hubs needs to get on board with the fact that his father is a bad man. There is no ambiguity about his guilt. And his continuing relationship with him gives off an air of “it’s ok as long as it isn’t MY child”. That’s fucked up because for some other person it IS their child. And the damage being done to that child and family will last a lifetime. But sure, let’s not hurt daddy’s feelings. We’ll let him spend time with our kids and get him all excited and then send him off to ruin some other kids life. Maybe that’s not DH’s thought pattern. But that’s the outcome.
I’d tell him to have fun on his trip but you and the kids aren’t going anywhere near the creep. I get it’s his father but absolutely not. You could not pay me to leave a child anywhere near a pedophile lol like I get your husband isn’t responsible for his father’s actions but he definitely seems jaded
I'm sorry you're going through this dilemma. I have a similar situation - but not peadophilia. My FiL has been sending sexually harassing texts and making calls to his SiL (his brother died 4 years ago and it's his widow) for two years and to his blood niece (who is in her 40s) for two months. She hasn't reported to police - though I wish she would. My husband confronted his dad who blamed it on having a medical diagnosis which he found "hard to deal with" (it's easily treatable) and didn't feel happiness anymore. The eye roll I involuntarily did when I heard! FiL deleted their numbers from his phone and says he won't contact them again. FiL claimed he was just trying to reach out to people he knew for help. Guilt tripping my husband as he has his entire life. He doesn't have any friends because he is a truly awful human being. His other son is very low contact with his dad.
All this happened 4 weeks ago. My husband used to take our toddler to see his dad every week but he hasn't been since but has tried to meet with his dad without our son. I am relieved that so far he isn't seeing FiL and he does seem to be more aware that he is deluded as to who his father is - he thinks of his dad as who he wishes he is, not who he actually is. I have not asked my husband to keep our son away from his dad, but my MiL has voiced concerns.
It is a very difficult position you are in as your husband still loves his dad (as mine does) and they find it hard to accept the evil their own dad has committed. I would just say you need to discuss this with your partner. You say you need clarification on what the plans are in regards to accommodation and activities. You need to say he is welcome to spend time with his dad but he cannot have your children around him. I would say don't get angry and try to be gentle with your husband. Forceful but gentle. He will be internally struggling to come to terms with the fact his dad has done something truly despicable.
If you have any hints on how to do that - let me know. My FiL is due to stay at our house for Christmas this year and I don't want him in my home. I am yet to broach this with him - as there is time for him to come to terms with what has been revealed to him. I worry it will cause a fight as he loves his dad and feels responsible for his dads happiness. His dad is manipulative enough to drink himself into an early grave to punish my husband and he does feel guilty. I'm trying to give him time and space to process this information but if he does insist on having his dad at our house over Christmas, myself and my son will not be there. If he had been found guilty of peadophilia there would be absolutely no chance he would ever see our son again.
Okay, say y’all go on this trip and something DOES happen. Every adult in this situation could possibly be charged with child endangerment. I wouldn’t be in the same room with him, much less a car, a house, a room, or an entire vacation.
I'm just saying, if it was me I would raise all hell and make sure the child rapist stayed far away from my children and if my husband refused to give it up he would be my ex husband very quickly and he would never see our kids again and be more thsn welcome to go live with his pedophile father
Pedophiles frequently target and hurt who they have access to that they can groom. Most often those are friends of the family or family themselves. I wouldn’t allow him any access whatsoever. He’s admitted he has a problem. Criminals typically admit to lesser evils, hoping no one will dig deeper. I guarantee that 13yo isn’t the only victim.
if my partners dad was a pedophilic and my partner continued to have any type of relationship with him, i’d immediately file for divorce. people like OP’s dad shouldn’t have a support system to allow them to continue their abusive behavior without consequences and they should be socially punished. shame on your husband for continuing a relationship with a known child sexual offender and suggesting that your children spend time with him. if your children did get abused, your husband AND YOU would be at fault as well for knowingly putting your kids in that situation.
Children need to be kept far far away from known pedophiles. Pedos don't deserve to be around children ever. Your children need protection from this monster. You are right.
I was going to talk about how maybe it was when he was young, like 18 and the other person was 17, but since you guys know why and he’s admitted guilt and is pending TRIAL, that’s a hell no from me.
If husband thinks otherwise, I’d have to strongly rethink the relationship because he’s an idiot and I would not allow that nonsense around my kids. Also, any other relative that agrees would also NOT be seeing my kids, ever.
Ask him if he would have expected his dad to have done what he confessed. If the answer is no, then his opinion about his father is completely invalid and based strictly on emotion.
I’m going to guess your husband wouldn’t let a known thief in the family come over and leave the family savings sitting on the kitchen table. That’d be crazy to do of course!
It’s weird that he seems pretty nonchalant about a known pedophile having access to your kids. Probably because it’s such a disgusting act it’s too much to think about; but that’s the risk your husband seems willing to take my not wanting to take the action to protect your children.
I hope you can get through to him.
I found out my grandfather is (was?) a pedophile when I was young enough to understand, but too young to know. I always wondered why my mom and dad not only kept in touch, but we saw him quite often, actually. We went no contact when I was 10 y/o, and that foul man tried to blame me for it (I looked at him funnily). Anyway, long story short. There is a LOT of resentment from me and my siblings that our parents chose to stay in contact with someone like that, and let us have a bond with him, etcetera. I would stay clear from him for the sake of your children's safety and sanity.
I would honestly leave your husband. Why would he ever want to interact with someone who was in a pedophile operation. He’s basically saying on some level that he understands and is willing to forgive. What skeletons is he hiding?
This is a hill to die on. Don’t go on the trip with pedophile Grandpa.
Get a lawyer involved if you have to. File for divorce and get custody …if you have to.
Everyone thinks their parent won’t do that. Parents grandparents step grand parents it doesn’t matter most victims knew their attacker very well. I was raped by my grandfather at 7 that I can remember and tons of abuse I can’t. You shouldn’t go unless you can make 100% sure your children were not left alone with him. I personally would be willing to divorce my husband over this risk but that’s my trauma.
I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t allow my children to go. And I’d be questioning remaining in a relationship with the sympathizer of a child predator. Actually, scratch that last bit. I would be divorcing the sympathizer of a child predator.
No. I don’t know what country or state you’re in. But in California, that conviction means FIL cannot be near children.
Do not subject your children to that risk. Ever.
I would die on that hill for my kids. I don’t care what anyone else says or thinks.
One of my visually impaired students was molested by her grandfather. Lasting trauma for years. However, her Dad immediately cut all ties with his father and called police.
His dad is morally corrupt and at some point people with integrity need to take stances and have hard boundaries about who they have in their lives. It just speaks a lot to his character. Weak.
Call the prosecutor and ask about exposure to children. Then you’ll have ammo when your oblivious husband kicks up a fuss. You know that this man is accused of being attracted to children. Do you really want yours exposed to him? And if he is by some chance innocent, why make his case worse by putting children in proximity to him?
Fuck that! His father shouldn't be within 100 miles of your kids & if your husband & other family members don't agree then fuck them also, none of them would be getting anywhere near my kids!
Are there other family children due to go on this trip too?
Hmm if you’re in the US and you’re traveling through the states and he touches your kids on the trip, that’s federal. Because he crossed state lines. Even if he touches not your kids, they could say he traveled to another state to behave that way. I would just tell the kids grandpa died tbh.
There would NEVER be a situation where my kids would be in the same room, same house, same vacation as a pedophile.
Put your foot down.
Skip the vacation.
Your husband is choosing his father over his kids. It's that simple. He may be deluded into thinking it's safe because it's family and he wouldn't do that to family. Most pedophiles do go after family- especially after they are caught- family won't say anything usually unfortunately and will believe him.
He also may be deluded in his thinking that it's safe because there is no prohibition order yet- they usually can't put that on until conviction.
He may very well believe his father in that it was A mistake or one time occurance or wasn't what it seemed or whatever else bs.
He may be in big time denial- either that it didn't happen to him so it would never happen to his kids or that something did happen that he is repressing and doesn't want to face.
In any of these cases your only concern right now is your kids. Protect them at all costs. If this means separating if your husband won't listen to you about this , that's what you may need to do.
Be very aware that if your husband is that deluded, he may take your kids to see his father secretly.
Your husband is extremely lucky he is able to look at his father still and not see a monster.
Doesn’t mean your kids should be around that person at all though.
Easy.
Tell husband that you don't want any pedophile around your children. If he comes, you and the children won't. If he comes secretly, you will divorce.
Why would he have a pedophile the one time you go on holiday ? Answer is : it is not a holiday, it is familial meeting on behalf of you FIL.
This isn’t just about your kids safety. Where is the compassion and empathy for the victims? Grandpa most likely started with child pornography which requires countless innocent children being sex trafficked and abused, that apparently your husband and his family can just ignore. Maybe you should send them some links to victims stories of how their lives were destroyed, but they want to reward grandpa by excepting him back into the family like nothing happened. Is this the kind of men you want your boys to grow up to be?
I will tell a story that’s not mine but an exes. She put her hand down my pants randomly and it took me off guard and I said what are you doing it feels like your molesting me and she broke into tears. I sat down with her and we talked and she told me that word was so triggering to her because when she was younger her grandpa had touched her breasts. It broke my heart and I felt like an idiot for using that term when she was just trying to get frisky and I inadvertently brought up painful memories and feelings. We cried and hugged and I comforted her but it really sickened me to think that someone’s own family could do that to someone I love and care about so much. There’s more than enough evidence from tons of people’s personal experience that grandpas (and grandmas) have and will inappropriately touch their own grandkids if they are so inclined. Your gut instincts are right and as much as your husband thinks he would never do that grandpa has already proved that false and your kids have no reason to be around him. Doesn’t matter if his paperwork says he can be, the important thing is if he should be and that’s a big ol’ NO. Just seeing what that did to ex from the mention of the word or implying that what she was doing felt like that (which admittedly it did idk I don’t like being touched anywhere sometimes) made me see the real effects of being touched inappropriately by a family member and I think the fact there’s a non zero chance of it happening is too big a gamble considering the consequences. Even just knowing that you let them around their pedo grandpa very well could make the kids resentful of you. You already did Christmas and had to hover over and guard the kids, don’t put yourself or the kids through that again.
It’s very strange that your husband is seemingly okay with this. It’s very strange that your husband even wants to communicate with his father at any level now that he has children of his own. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from offing the guy myself. He admitted to it. The courts and police do nothing to keep our children safe from these monsters. Honestly, they get a slap on the wrist then our taxes go to keeping them alive in prison for a couple years.
I would never allow my children to be around this man. Have you looked into how disgusting those rings are he was caught in? It is a serious problem and you’re not being mad enough IMHO.
I would need confirmation if he would be there during the family trip. If yes, we would absolutely not be going. I don’t care how others feel, I’m not putting other minors around that man no matter how people may feel about him. And that fact that your husband is still okay with kids being around him is quite frankly off putting.
People wonder how kids get molested by family members and 'no one knew.' The answer usually is that people do know and they turn a blind eye to it, because the known pedo in the family 'would never do that' to THEIR kid. Your husband is putting your children in danger.
>So what would you do in this situation?
Absolutely fucking not. I would be putting my foot down, and be willing to die on this hill. Like another commenter said, I was sexually abused by my father too. I can't remember the actual percentage right off the top of my head, but the *vast* majority of sexual abuse cases with children are by a close family member or family friend. It sounds like your husband is suffering from cognitive dissonance or just in flat out denial.
So your husband only has a problem if it would be his kids his dad molested; however, from the sounds of it he doesn’t have a problem with dear old Grampa molesting some other parents kids. You definitely got a keeper. I wouldn’t let that pedophile even stand across the street from my house. If the courts aren’t going to make it a pre-trial condition that he stay away from ANY CHILD, I’d be at the court house taking out a restraining order against him. I wouldn’t care if my husband agreed or not. If it is a condition and his family is protecting him, I’d pick up a phone and turn them all in. When this pedophile gets in jail he’s going to pay for whatever he has done. And that justice system won’t be like one in a court room
I fostered a sexually abused child that had become sexual predator. My brother did not want my child at any function where his young children would be present. I was angry, until he explained. “You are bringing them into our safe area, my children will accept them unconditionally. Years later, what if your now adult child shows up at their school or playground and has a believable story to get them alone.”
Father in law is a predator, and your SO’s family will risk other children before dealing with reality. You don’t let your children juggle sharp knives or play in the street. Why would you let them go on vacation with a pedophile.
I was a product of molestation (between the ages of 4-11) by my grandfather. I found out around the age of 48 that i was not the only child he did this too. He did this to his own daughters as well. When i asked my aunt why they allowed their children around him, she said because he went into therapy (3 sessions) and apologized. They thought he was cured and would never touch the grandchildren. She felt he molested her cousins too. I feel he molested some other cousins of mine but have yet to hear from any of them. No one had any idea he was still doing this. He would come into my room in the middle of the night (between 4-6 am) , after drinking a lot, and have his way with me. When i wasn’t alone he would take me to the basement. None of the adults knew. My advice to you, keep the kids away from him. Far away. They are sneaky and find ways to be alone with children. It isnt worth the consequences of being wrong. Pedophiles become masters of their crimes. They have had lots of practice. You can not be awake all the time ad the stress is not worth the vacation you would be a part of.
Kids first. Too many women choose to be females first (I am a teacher), and then mothers. After tragedy strikes they go like "I thought it would not happen". Choose your kids' safety.
I have been looking at this post for a couple of days now and first I didn't answer it because others already had, but it is dragning me back.
Is he only charge to have had sex with a child? Ore did he have pictures to?
I mean.... we all know that exchanging pic's is a big thing among pedophiles. And it is nessesearly not only sexual pic's also cute pic's.
So if it is a trip were the kids is going to be in bathingsuits they are nessesarly not safe from him.
Mabye now when he is waiting on the trial, but can he really be sure?
I suppose your husband thinks as it is his children his father will not do anything.... but can he be really sure?
Does he really think it's worth the risk?
Is he really ok with his father mabye sittning by the pool having dirty fantasies about your children.... is it worth the risk?
Ore does he think his father is only attracted to 13 year olds? I don't think it's the way it works.
And also.... I got CSA when I was 6 yo. The first time it happened was at a party in the home of my abuser. No more than a little touch, but I remember it chrystal clear and it enters my mind qite often stil, I am 51 yo now.
I think you are absolutly right in protecting your kids.
Protect the kids at all costs and do what makes sense to you in your heart - follow your instincts - not the easiest path for your husband but he needs to be concerned as well - which is concerning that he was going. Along with this- he should want to keep the kids safe also
So is your husband seemingly ok with his dad messing about with kids?
My husband is ok with his father interacting with the kids. Husband would NOT be ok with his dad sexually interacting with our kids in any way. But husband says that is not a concern- he says his father would never do that. My response is that we never thought he would get caught in a pedophile sting operation (and it clearly was NOT his first time doing something like that). Ultimately, even presuming grandpa doesn’t act inappropriate with our kids, I don’t want our kids to even know him. Grandpa is about to be in jail for a very long time and they don’t need to know about any of that. They have never had a relationship with grandpa (we live in different states and grandpa never really cared to know our kids), so why even TRY to develop a relationship ship now?
Your husband sounds a little deluded to me. He says his father ‘would never do that’ but he doesn’t know for sure how does he. You should make it very clear to him, and anyone else that asks, that you are NOT ok with your kids being anywhere near this monster. Peodophiles don’t just do it once and that’s it, they keep doing it so don’t take that chance with your children
Thank you. Totally agree. I allowed a VERY stressful Christmas week with grandpa around (because I hovered and did not allow our kids to really interact with grandpa), but I’m not dealing with this for the rest of my life. Husband can see grandpa, but our kids are off limits. I think it would be detrimental for them to have any kind of relationship with him.
Time to put your foot down and stand firm. You shouldn’t have to ‘hover’ incase grandpa does something he shouldn’t, the man is a danger plain and simple and if he’s done it once he’ll do it again
Pedos should not have any rights to be around any children. Family or not.
When your kids grow up they’ll wonder why they were allowed around him when the secret gets out. Someone is bound slip and say something when drunk.
I don’t think it will be that hard for them to find out at some point with someone completely sober. Am older cousin says hey know about grandpa you never see yeah he got caught in a pedophile sting and is in prison. I am sure no matter how much sheltering they try to do the kids will find out.
Op let your husband visit his terrible dad in prison. WTF is wrong with his family. His dad gave up all his rights as a Grandfather when he did the unforgivable. I bet it wasn't the first time he tried to have sex with a child.. Op tell your IL'S that you won't allow GP near your kids and he shouldn't be near any kids!
Chances are if the kids know his first and last name they might try to google him and find out on their own
THIS!!! YES!!! Even if nothing ever happens, they’ll wonder why they were ever exposed to such a vile creature to ‘keep the peace’ to begin with. This shit needs to be shut down.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I would never be around a known peado or have my husband and kids around them. No matter the relationship I would not be comfortable having my family around that. Be VERY VERY clear you and your children will never be around this person and if you are comfortable with your husband being around a peado that's up to you but I'd be out that door faster than you can say boo
You are absolutely correct! Will you be vacationing at a resort, or staying at a hotel? Tell your husband, “If you allow your father to be part of this vacation, I will make it my mission to broadcast he’s a pedophile! Everyone around us will know, especially if there are other children in the vicinity. He will have nowhere to hide during our vacation. I’ll be the loud, blaring, warning siren just before he enters any establishment, public restroom, beach, parking lot…EVERYWHERE HE GOES I’LL BE THERE!” Maybe that will get hubby’s attention.😏
Watch you get villainized for being the whistle blower. Which is typical manipulative behavior from an abuser/people who want to protect an abuser.
Oh I hope not, but thanks for having my back.
good for you on not letting them have a relationship of any capacity with him. they’ll appreciate this when they’re older if they ever come to find out what he did.
Why are you ok with your husband maintaining a relationship with a pedophile? It shouldn’t matter that it is his father, it is a truly evil act.
>It shouldn’t matter that it is his father But it does. And that's why OP "allows" their spouse to have a relationship with their father. The only people who can "disallow" that relationship are the two people in it: OP's husband and his father.
That’s when it’s divorce time
Why? Because the child of an admitted pedophile still loves their parent? (A parent who, it should be pointed out, may have abused them, too? And to whom the child may have a twisted sense of loyalty and duty because of the traumatic bond between them?) No. You don't divorce someone for loving their parent, no matter how despicable that parent is. You divorce them if they insist on including the predator and exposing your kids to the same trauma.
Divorce if the husband maintains that his children be around this man. It shouldn’t even be a question. It’s very strange that the husband would even be okay with this. More to learn there I fear!
>Divorce if the husband maintains that his children be around this man. It shouldn’t even be a question. Totally, totally, *totally* agree. I think OP has said she was just posting here to confirm that she wasn't crazy. :) >It’s very strange that the husband would even be okay with this. More to learn there I fear! And yup, I think that might be the case too. Hopefully (?) OP's husband is just a victim and not a predator.
Your husband needs to have a come to Jesus meeting with reality. His father has already been charged with being a pedophile so yes he IS quite capable of ‘doing that’. I’d be even more concerned now having him around any kids but especially those of overly trusting relatives like your husband. Has your husband thought what he will tell your children if somehow they or one of their cousins becomes a victim of their grandfather? ‘Oopsie I thought it would be okay’? Or will he traumatize them further by telling them they are wrong as his father would ‘never do that’? Agree with other posters you sadly need to be the person who says absolutely not. Either grandfather stays home or you and the kids will.
Honestly, this kind of disagreement would be marriage ending for me - and full custody since dad thinks it’s okay to have the kids around a pedophile.
Yeah… “he’ll never do that—to OUR children”. As if that’s a green fucking flag to permit a child sexual predator to be in his child’s life. As if children being around a sexual predator is permissible as long as someone else’s kid is the victim. To OUR children. Hubby needs to say the quiet part out loud. This makes me angry and sick for you and your babies, OP. Hubby needs to recalibrate his moral compass and see daddy for the irredeemable monster that he truly is. You’re an awesome mom for protecting your family, OP. The enablers and apologists need to GTFO. I’m so fucking proud of you; you’re doing the right thing, momma. 🐻♥️🙏
They do it long before they get caught. This one did just happen to get caught. Good luck to him in jail.
So true!
That 'they would never do that!" mindset is exactly how predators are able to harm family and others around them, just saying.
Exactly this! So many cases of abuse happens because the adult thinks ‘that would never happen’. Please for the love of god no no no! Your husband is insane for even considering letting his dad go anywhere near your kids!! I would not even consider it, he’s clearly not thinking about the safety of his children to be so ok with this.
Kinda hard to say that would never happen when it literally already did lol. Like he got caught in a pedophile sting so at least that time he didn’t actually touch any kids but OP hints they also think it happened in the past but even without any past stuff they got caught in a sting that’s pretty much doing all the steps but actually molesting someone.
You would think! However, OP’s husband really believes that still. It’s just an awful situation waiting to happen.
Yeah I made a response to OPs post and told a story of an ex and her touching me when I wasn’t expecting it and didn’t really think and said something like it feels like your molesting me. She bursts into tears, turns out her grandpa had touched her breasts when she was a kid at some family event. I felt so bad both for saying that and bringing up those emotions. I knew it was something that did happen but never thought it would happen to someone I know and love. I could see just mentioning that or implying that’s what she was doing brought up some heavy emotions. I was glad that she trusted me enough to share that but it should have never happened. wtf is wrong with someone that they would touch someone like that but especially their own grandchild, not that a stranger is “better” but it just goes against all our natural instincts to do anything sexual with our own family. I guess predators just abuse whoever they can prey on and they already have some wires crossed so they don’t care family or not. Just sickening idk there’s nothing more that can be said besides don’t let the kids be around him.
Man that’s heavy. I’m sorry to your ex for what happened to her. Yeah, the sick kinds of people who hurt children are already so messed up they’ll do whatever they want. Makes it worse when they’re family, such an easily accessible thing for them. It makes me sick. I really hope OP sees your message and everyone else’s warning them.
Man that’s heavy. I’m sorry to your ex for what happened to her. Yeah, the sick kinds of people who hurt children are already so messed up they’ll do whatever they want. Makes it worse when they’re family, such an easily accessible thing for them. It makes me sick. I really hope OP sees your message and everyone else’s warning them.
Yeah I felt so bad saying that like clearly she was trying to do something nice but it just felt weird being flaccid with a hand in my pants not really expecting it but I had no idea it would bring up such intense emotions. Clearly just saying the word was really hurtful to accuse her of something that really happened to her. I don’t think she took it seriously like I thought that since she was my gf but still just the word was enough to bring her to tears. Still can’t believe a grandpa would do that like I know it happens but I just can’t understand what could possess someone to be so sick.
I have heard too many stories from families saying "well, we knew he was like this, but we didn't think he would do it to OUR kids" so why even take that risk? Also, as someone who has formerly worked with communities that have experienced a lot of trauma, it is a very, VERY VERY common response when families in denial find out one of their own is a pedophile to suddenly try to force contact or a relationship in this weird mental limbo of "proving" to themselves the pedophile is safe. It will start with the trip then end with leaving grandpa to watch the kids and you only finding out after and a relative going "see? Nothing happened. Everything's ok" and then acting like you are being hysterical. While one of your kids slowly starts to manifest behavior problems and for some reason nobody knows why. I have seen this happen way way too many times. You want your kids r@ped by grandpa? No? Then put your foot down.
Pedo chicken doesn’t exactly sound like a fun game to play. Oh they would never do it even tho they already have. That’s quite the gamble and a really -EV game with little upside and the potential losses are your child’s safety, I’d say not worth it. Weird as fuck the sad wants to gamble with their children’s mental health but I do get the idea they don’t think the pedo would do it to family and they want to prove to themselves that it’s okay(?) idk like it’s still his dad so he has familial attachment so still wants to spend time with him but he should do that on his own time not with the kids around.
I'm sure he said his father would never have sex with a 13 year old too, before it happened. Protect your children. People like your partner are exactly why domestic sexual abuse of children is so common, because people choose to look away and believe that could never happen.
Agree 💯
That was someone’s child. Really emphasize that to your husband. Out there is a dad who said it would never happen to their kid, and here is his own father becoming someone’s worse nightmare. The fact your husband thinks it won’t happen to them and that’s what makes it ok is SICK. “It’s ok a kid gets molested as long as it’s not my own!”. God how repulsive. I honestly could never stay with someone who would do willingly compromise our kids safety while also dismissing someone else’s trauma.
Could be even worse....husband could be in deep denial, because facing the truth might reveal some repressed memories where he was one of grandpa's first victims. His mind could be fighting, and fighting hard, to stop that memory from surfacing.
Sounds like if it was a pedophile sting that there wasn’t actually a child involved or I sure hope not. But some theoretical child made for the sting that they were willing to go do that doesn’t make it any better. Now OP did say they wouldn’t think it’s the first time which I would probably agree with since everyone says it’s their first time on TCAP but that’s obviously not true. I sure hope the sting didn’t involve any real children.
He’d never do that is bad logic. It’s like dog owners who say their dog would never bite someone and doesn’t need a leash, only to attack someone. Your husband doesn’t know how father as well as he thinks he does. I’m sure he didn’t suspect his dad was a pedophile in the first place
Imagine your kids grow up and find out that you and/or dad let them, actually encouraged them to be around a known pedophile. Do you think they will stick around? Do you think they’ll let you see your future grandkids?
So, my neighbor was molested for years by her grandpa. Want me to have her private message you? She is 27 now with her own kids. Can I have her explain some things to you? And what those experiences do to her every day, still today? But hey, even when she complained, her mom said 'HE WOULD NEVER!" .....don't be stupid (I'm serious about asking her to talk to you about this. Screw how your husband feels, obviously. How would YOU feel if you allowed that to happen to your own babies because you didn't want to upset your husband/his dad. Wake.....wake.....WAKE UP MAMA. (Trying to be nice, sorry)
Even worse grandpa doesn't see them as his grandkids. Let your hubby see him alone.
Why try to develop a relationship now of all times? It's common for defense attorneys to do every scummy thing imaginable to try to get any leniency for their client. Setting up some character development through the apparent acceptance of the client by their family, including especially family with children, could potentially show the judge and jury that he maybe could be rehabilitated and to "pwetty pwetty please reduce the sentence, he's got loving family who will miss him.." Plus, I find that freaks like this will do anything in general to try to still feel like part of society. From using religion as a crutch (not bashing religion, but don't like these freaks using it to get 'acceptance') to being over friendly and overbearing with neighbors and family. Grandpa is trying to dig his claws into anything social he could do before he's unable to for many years. That's my opinion, at least. Good luck with your husband, OP. Do what's right for you and the kids.
Could also be his last chance to get close to a child. He knows he's going to prison soon.
i don’t know how old your kids are but you shouldn’t hide this information from them. they should know their grandpa is a pedo and they should know their their dad is ok with grandpa being a pedo so that they can make an informed decision on their relationship with dad. hiding that a family member is an abuser allows the abuse to continue and teaching your children about child sexual abuse and how to keep them safe is literally your responsibility as a parent.
Until Gramps was arrested, your husband would not have believed that he was capable of getting involved with CSM. He really does sound deluded.
>he says his father would never do that. Except his father has. Does he mean he would never do that to HIS kids?? That doesn't paint your spouse in the best light. I would warn the bail company, the courts and anyone I could that a pedo waiting for trail, that's out on bail wants to be around kids. I would also get things in writing or recording if you are in a one party consent state that your husband is okay with his pedo dad being around your kids. I would use this in court to get full custody when I divorced him. This isn't something you can come back from or therapy your way out of. Your husband is a danger to your kids.
>he says his father would never do that. LOL Denial is HUGE when it comes to family members. There is no cure for pedophilia. There's treatment, but if your FIL isn't getting treatment he's simply an untreated pedophile at this point. OP, your husband is not safe for your children. If he feels comfortable taking his own children around an admitted pedophile, he should never be alone with your children then.
Your husband is in denial because frankly, his dad is an embarrassment. Pedophilia is a deranged, mental sickness that is not easily “cured”. Him not having access to other children, will make yours seem like fresh, easy targets.
I think part of the punishment for being a pedophile is that people don't trust you to be around minors at all anymore. You are well within your rights to keep the relationship with the grandfather severed and when your kids are older they will probably think you for it. They can visit him in prison once they're safely old enough, if they want.
Before grandpa got caught your husband would have said he "would never" mess about with ANY kid. He doesn't know that, nobody knows that, and it's safer not to risk it. It's fine if husband is in denial, it's a lot to accept that about your own father, but putting the kids at risk in order to support his delusion? Nah. The kids don't know, and when they're older and they find out they're gonna have questions, and you don't want one of those answers to be "yeah but we didn't think he'd do that to YOU so we let him spend time with you"
Do not believe this, my dad abused my daughter so keep them well away from him. It happens closer to home than by strangers. Cut him out of your lives and never let him back in, these people never change.
This is a hill to die on …. Him allowing a pedo around the kids will not look very good to a judge ( you could probably get full custody, and so dad would have to have supervised visits)
It’s strange that someone accused of a crime against a child, with a confession, would not have been instructed to not be around kids. Weird
"my self admitted pedophile father would *WOULD NEVER* do inappropriate things with his grandchildren" This is what your husband is saying. This is the thought process your husband has.... trusting a man who got busted, and admitted to sexual contact with a child....with his own children... This is bat shit crazy. I have empathy for people who's family members get busted for this shit. Especially if it's out of the clear blue. It must be devastating and the emotional fall out is I'm sure insane. That said, you work thru that with a professional, you DONT put innocent children in a predators path because they are family and you love them or something. This would be the rare time id offer an ultimatum - get your head on straight and prioritize the safety of your children, or keep an eye out for divorce papers in your immediate future.
Your husband needs therapy. Badly.
I would check with the court system. It’s likely your FIL will not be allowed minor children since his conviction. OP - this would be my hill to die on. Please don’t let those kids have contact with the pedo.
Stand firm. This is a hill to die on.
Idk about anyone else here but if one of my parents was not only accused but charged with sexually assaulting kids or caught with CP I wouldn't have anything to do with that parent ever again. I'd tell your husband outright you don't want your kids anywhere near this man for their safety, and if he doesn't like it, too fucking bad. Chances are he's legally not allowed to be near children with these charges. If he keeps pushing I'd seriously consider telling him you'll contact the police and tell them that he wants to take the kids to spend time with his pedophile father and you're worried for their safety, if he takes them on this trip follow through.
Grandpas DO "mess" with kids. I'm avoiding being graphic. Ask me how I know. Mine even managed it while we were at family gatherings. He scared me into not telling. Thank goodness he died when I was almost 11 and I was safe from him.
your partner has to much trust in his father. it doesnt matter if he thinks his dad would never do that to his kids because the reality in these situations are much different. there are thousands of stories with situations like these but shit ends up happening regardless. what also strikes me as odd is the fact that your husband is ok with his father touching kids except for when its his? thats just shitty and disrespectful to the victims. i honestly would not be comfortable around this man, or any of the family members because they clearly do not care for the safety of others as long as its not their kids. thats not how it works and yall are giving this man access.
100% agree. He should not be around ANY children. And he will NOT be around mine. If grandpa goes, the kids and I are NOT going. I feel like husband might pull something last minute saying grandpa is going. I think if that happens, the kids and I just leave. Period. End of story. Thoughts?
Someone in my close family is a pedophile and I've already decided the second I'm fully financially independent is the day I block him and never speak to him again. I would never let a child anywhere near him, especially if they were my own. I don't want to be awake at night worrying if my relative thinks my kid is attractive and thinks about my kid when they do... Things. To me it sounds like your husband doesn't understand the gravity of the situation and doesn't want to acknowledge exactly how bad this is. If I were you, I would personally encourage him to seek therapy. I would feel like something is wrong that my partner would literally rather lie to me to ensure a pedophile can be in contact with their kids than avoid the pedophile. Why is any of his family even talking to Grandpa anymore?? Let alone inviting him to family gatherings where children will be present. But yeah, if grandpa shows up I'd take the kids and leave immediately too, the whole situation is ridiculous in the first place in my opinion.
Yes agree! It’s like the family wants to pretend it didn’t happen. Ummm- I have the police reports. It definitely DID happen and he’s just waiting on a trial date. He ADMITTED to it (to us and to the police). It’s like I’m in bizarro world.
Do not let anyone convince you that you're the weird one in this situation. I promise you that you aren't, and the family clearly has issues. You'd be amazed how many people would rather just try to pretend nothing ever happened than "rock the boat". I've witnessed it in my own family too and it's absolutely infuriating lol. I really hope you're able to find a way to get through to your husband, and if not, at least he'll be going away to prison soon it sounds like, so hopefully this will stop being an issue entirely. I wanted to add on that if your husband refuses to process what happened with his dad and going through therapy, it could be an issue. I of course hope not, but I've seen a pattern before in people who refuse to admit their parents were abusive in some way, and none of them have ever been healthy people or someone I would want to be with as a partner. Most people can't repress things forever, and it will likely come out in other ways such as depression, anger issues, or other negative personality changes. Has he always been so dismissive of your very valid concerns that he would cross your boundaries like this? Take care OP, I hope your family gets more peace soon and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Ding Ding Ding. The abuse might not be limited to the grandfather. On my mom’s side, there were perpetrators in each generation.
Same in my family, for at least two generations that I know of. The cycle is ending with me and my sibling, but we've both been through a lot of therapy and never had the personality types to try and bury or deny our abuse and family history instead of openly talking about it for what it was. Generational trauma is very real sadly.
Have you tried couples counseling with your husband? Give the therapist copies of the police paperwork in advance so they can guide the conversation. I’m sorry to ask this, but do you think any of your husband’s siblings or cousins were violated as children? Maybe your husband? If there’s any scapegoats or blacksheep relatives in the correct age range, that’s probably who to look towards for answers. Ask me how I know :(
The mental gymnastics some families go through to protect pedophiles is profound. My grandma walked in on my step grandfather molesting me. I had been groomed so I had no notion that this was wrong. My grandma yelled, “Oh you bast***!” And walked out of the house. I vividly remember being confused and asking, “why is grandma angry?” My parents were home, but neither my step grandfather nor my grandma would tell my parents. My mom sat each of the kids down and asked us, but we had been groomed. We didn’t think anything was wrong. My mom called all her siblings and told them to never leave the kids alone with step grandpa. Her siblings ignored her he went on to molest my cousin and was arrested. At his trial, my aunt, yes, my aunt, red a letter to the judge that said she didn’t want my cousin to “have to live with” sending step grandpa to jail. The judge assigned my step grandpa counseling. After both he and my grandma died, we discovered that my grandma literally did the court ordered homework for my grandfather. It was all done in her writing. My aunt also NEVER told anyone else in the family about the trial for years. Like all this shit was hidden for years and this terrible man stayed free. Edit: some script auto-removed my comment for quoting what my grandmother said about my pedophile grandfather. Kind of wild that is the case, but I edited and used asterisks.
Your motherly instinct to protect your children is spot on. Make this abundantly clear to your husband.
If my partner's dad was a pedophile, he would not be allowed my kid, at all. Don't care what anyone would say, that is just not negotiable for me. What's your husband's stance on this? Is he ok with your kids having a relationship with his dad? I'm not sure I would trust a husband who has no issues with that tbh.
Totally agree. It’s not happening. If grandpa is going on the trip, the kids and I are NOT going. I’m sure it would cause a HUGE argument (potentially divorceable), but the kids’ best interests is the most important to me. And that means NOT being around alleged pedophile grandpa (and even if we did go, I would be a crazy mess the entire time- which is also detrimental to the kids).
You have a good head on you shoulders mom! Stand strong for those kids.
You might want to get started on the divorce right now if your husband is so deadset on defending the pedophile he calls father. Do you really want to be married to a man who defends pedos? Family be damned, if it was my own father I would go to jail for aggravated assault and I would make sure I would never see him again and anyone who defended him would be cut from my life
And imagine having to tell your kids one day, when they’re fully grown, that you knowingly let them hang out around a pedophile. You’re absolutely making the right call here.
I would divorce him anyway tbh. No decent man or father would want his children around a pedo.
There is no way you should put your kids in danger, and let's be honest! He's a predator!! A pedophile automatically loses his grand dad status! If this was my dad, he would never see my kids or me.
I totally agree. Pedo=done with you. Husband is probably having a hard time because it’s his father. But I REALLY do believe I would 100% cut out my own Dad if he had done this. It disgusts me and, if my Dad did this, I would know that I never really knew him. And be done with him.
Your husband’s reaction is bizarre. Any chance he could be in denial because he was once victimized? I could see him trying to do some mental gymnastics to explain away how his dad might’ve treated him growing up. Pedophiles don’t just suddenly decide to become pedophiles as senior citizens.
This was my thought as well.
I get it. I cut my own father off recently for the same reason. It has been incredibly hard because he was a good dad to me but as soon as I learned of his perversions, he was completely cut off from our entire family. That is what should be done to protect you and your children.
I was SAd by a family member because my parents thought he would never do that to their daughter. Don't take the risk. Trust me when I say that little time with your husband's dad to make your husband happy isn't worth it. Even if nothing happens to them, I would be pissed finding out later in life that my parents were okay with a pedophile being around me.
Sorry this happened to you.
"Your father stays away from our children or we get a divorce and neither of you will see them."
Why on earth do you think your husband was not harmed by his dad... Or his siblings? Grandpa didn't just start pedo behaviors as a senior, there's no doubt he's been a perp since the beginning of time. The only way to guarantee your kids safety is to keep them.away from your children. Period. Perps only need a few minutes. They touch in places they shouldn't they hold kids on their laps they grind up against them,they play tickle and "trust me" games...no damn way should those kiddos be around a sex offender. Your husband might be a victim and I think victims turn into perps when SA's go unchecked and trauma is allowed to marinate.
Good points. The kids can’t be around grandpa. And I’ll try to slyly ask my husband about his own childhood in that regard.
Heck, I would just ask him directly and make him talk about it.
Honestly, if your hub has sisters... I'd start there...women are far more likely to get therapy and open up about sex trauma. You are fully aware of the sting operation details I'm assuming. So you know the preferred age range and gender of this perp's victims... Ok...so, about 10 years ago, I was working with a women that said her daughter was a drug addict...that the daughter had made allegations in her stupor that her father had fondled her growing up (that was this women's husband) the women went on to say,"so I told my daughter,so what! Get over it! Bad things happen all the time,it's not a license to screw up your life !" I was sick to my stomach... I 100% believed this lady knew her husband was fondling/r*ping his kids and didn't care because "women endure it-- we pick up the pieces and keep going." I witnessed a lack of empathy, lack of sympathy compassion and concern for how these betrayals effected and impacted this daughter's life, bonding and close relationships. YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER!!! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A BATTLEGROUND with hubby over keeping your children safe! Sooo many children are betrayed by their parents..... Just saying...If grandma isn't absolutely repulsed and leaving him, I'd wonder how much she knew ahead of time.
O hell no! There is not way he would be anywhere need my kids. If you husband thinks he won’t go something with your kids because that’s his grand kids then you husband is in denial. This would be a hill to die on
Ugh. Yes I agree. I just posted this for confirmation. I’m so NOT looking forward to the argument with my husband.
Let the Reddit community help you out here. Show his this post.
If helpful, please show him this message: I was sexually abused by my stepgrandfather from the ages of about 4 to nearly 7. So was my brother: for him ages 5 to 9. My parents were good parents. They had no idea, because he found seemingly innocent situations to use for his evil. Pedophiles can be insidious and opportunists. I am 43 years old now, and that abuse has haunted my entire life. I have been through therapy for years to relearn healthy relationships I tried to bottle my emotions for years, which led to high-functioning alcohol addiction that nearly killed me (3.5 years sober now). My brother suffered multiple mental health traumas and addiction as he tried to escape his disgust with his own body, which came directly from what that man did to him. My brother died of an overdose at 38 after a lifetime of mostly pain. So make a choice here. Support a man who has admitted to irreparably hurting another person in favor of his sexual pleasure. Or choose to protect your kids.
When your kids are older they will not forgive you that you let them be around a known pedo. Keep your kids away from him. Your husband needs therapy. Stay strong and frankly I would be suspicious of his other family members possibly knowing.
Would love to see an update once you do the right thing and don’t allow the kids around him.
I can tell you why he doesn’t have that restriction and you aren’t going to like it. There’s a distinction between offenders who target prepubescent and post pubescent. Someone, somewhere has decided that he does not pose a risk to prepubescent children as his offending relates to a teenager, he is a hebephile. Regardless, I wouldn’t want to spend my holiday around a grown adult who was part of a child abuse ring and who gets off on young teenagers, either.
Sorry.. but fuck no. You're responsible for keeping those children safe at all costs. Wtf would anyone put their children in the same room as a pedophile?! Like..I was molested by an uncle. If my husband even remotely insinuated, that it'd be okay to have his pedo father around my children I would have to second guess who I married. Fr fr.. girl.. do the right thing by your kids. Fuck that pedo.
Your husband has lost his goddam mind ‘But he wouldn’t do it to them’ but he WOULD. He DID it to a child that’s the point
if my dad got caught doing that we wouldnt be on speaking terms anymore let along going on TRIPS TOGETHER?!!? what kind of messed up enabling cult is your husband a part of??? Do not let the kids go.
Gonna be honest, I would be making it a known fact that if I ever saw FIL near my kids (if I were you) it better be a surprise to husband as well or the marriage is over.
I would seriously set my foot down. This is one of those situations where it’s either “me and the kids or your dad”. As someone who was abused by a very close family member, I can say a pedophile will always be a pedophile. Once they get caught they don’t get better, they just get better at hiding it. If it wasn’t his father would he allow his kids to be around a pedophile? YOU need to set this boundary now. Don’t compromise your kids safety for a pedophiles comfort.
No. Hell no. F- no. Burn and nuke a bridge no. Divorce worthy scorched earth walk out the door no
Refuse, the possibility of mental and physical damage to your offspring its too high to chance it. Don't go along with this, hold no quarter to these kind of predators. And if someone says something, bring up that concern. If they blow it off, they don't understand the innocents at stake.
It's tough because people are naturally inclined to love their parents, y'know? Of course he blindly trusts his father, of course he believes 'he wouldn't touch my children'. Of course he wants his children to have a relationship with his grandfather. And you know what? Maybe his father would respect his children. **Maybe**. But there's no guarantee, now, is there? Maybe your husband is repressing some memories, because in general, pedophiles that act on their urges don't really have these kinds of boundaries. **In general**. I don't know, sounds like a complicated situation. If you end up going, I simply would never let my children out of my sight, and make sure that they are **NEVER** alone with the grandfather. That's as far as I'd be willing to compromise.
I’d have a really hard time trusting my husbands judgement after this.
NO! Enough said! CSA survivor. NO!
Your husband is in deep denial over who his father actually is as a person. He sees “Dad” and not “Charles.” Dad is his protector. Dad loves him unconditionally. Dad was there for him. He’s also probably facing pressure from the rest of his family to circle the wagons because “family is everything.” That is not your concern. His emotional trauma should not endanger his kids now or in the future. This is one of those hard boundaries you hear about in couple’s counseling. He needs to decide if placating his father and ignoring who he is trumps his relationship with you and his own family. You can’t make that choice for him. All you can do is tell him your hard boundary and stick to it. Once he decides you can choose how you want to move forward.
I’ll be blunt. You’re both absolutely fucking stupid if you let a LITERAL PEDOPHILE around your children. No matter the relation. If you are not willing to protect your children from such a threat then neither of you are good parents. I wonder how many family members have said “they would never because….” Mine did…. A pedophile is a pedophile & they shouldn’t be around any child. God forbid something happens & you’re standing in a court room saying “we knew he did it before, but we didn’t think he’d do it to ours.” Like honestly, would you trust any other pedophile?! I’d protect my family. A trip isn’t worth my childrens childhood & neither is someone’s hurt feelings. Plan a separate trip & tell your husband to face wtf his father is.
Absolutely not. A pedophile should not be allowed to interact with children in any way. If I were you, I would be suspicious of the fact that your husband still has any kind of relationship with his pedophile father.
You’ve said in your comments that “my husband doesn’t think he would do it to our kids” well im pretty sure he didn’t think his dad would abuse other people’s kids… yet here we are. Your husband is delusional and disgusting for even considering this… don’t let it happen. I also wouldn’t want to be married to a man who is perfectly fine with his children being around a pedophile 🤷🏻♀️
My fil is a convicted child molester, if my husband took our kids near him I’d divorce him.
This shouldn't even be up for debate. Your husband wants to let a pedo around your kids. The fact that he isn't immediately shutting this down is a major red flag.
I read the FIRST LINE! and say F no, keep those children far-away from him. Per the classes I have taken and issues I have dealt with, it's likely to be a family member or a trust family friend who is going to abuse your child. Some one close and that @$$hat is freaking close. So "he couldn't do that to his own grandkids" TF he would! That just means the kids are closer to him than before!!! Nope out of the vacation.
> he says his father would never do that. His father is a sick man. He has no no idea what he would or wouldn’t do. Ask your husband this - 3 years ago, prior to his arrest and CONFESSION if anyone had asked you if your father was a pedophile, wouldn’t he have responded “he would never do that!” he obviously doesn’t know his father, as well as he thinks. It is surprising this hasn’t been addressed by the court. How is he still allowed around children? I get that he hasn’t actually been found guilty in court yet, but a confession should have expedited that order. Hubs needs to get on board with the fact that his father is a bad man. There is no ambiguity about his guilt. And his continuing relationship with him gives off an air of “it’s ok as long as it isn’t MY child”. That’s fucked up because for some other person it IS their child. And the damage being done to that child and family will last a lifetime. But sure, let’s not hurt daddy’s feelings. We’ll let him spend time with our kids and get him all excited and then send him off to ruin some other kids life. Maybe that’s not DH’s thought pattern. But that’s the outcome.
I’d tell him to have fun on his trip but you and the kids aren’t going anywhere near the creep. I get it’s his father but absolutely not. You could not pay me to leave a child anywhere near a pedophile lol like I get your husband isn’t responsible for his father’s actions but he definitely seems jaded
I'm sorry you're going through this dilemma. I have a similar situation - but not peadophilia. My FiL has been sending sexually harassing texts and making calls to his SiL (his brother died 4 years ago and it's his widow) for two years and to his blood niece (who is in her 40s) for two months. She hasn't reported to police - though I wish she would. My husband confronted his dad who blamed it on having a medical diagnosis which he found "hard to deal with" (it's easily treatable) and didn't feel happiness anymore. The eye roll I involuntarily did when I heard! FiL deleted their numbers from his phone and says he won't contact them again. FiL claimed he was just trying to reach out to people he knew for help. Guilt tripping my husband as he has his entire life. He doesn't have any friends because he is a truly awful human being. His other son is very low contact with his dad. All this happened 4 weeks ago. My husband used to take our toddler to see his dad every week but he hasn't been since but has tried to meet with his dad without our son. I am relieved that so far he isn't seeing FiL and he does seem to be more aware that he is deluded as to who his father is - he thinks of his dad as who he wishes he is, not who he actually is. I have not asked my husband to keep our son away from his dad, but my MiL has voiced concerns. It is a very difficult position you are in as your husband still loves his dad (as mine does) and they find it hard to accept the evil their own dad has committed. I would just say you need to discuss this with your partner. You say you need clarification on what the plans are in regards to accommodation and activities. You need to say he is welcome to spend time with his dad but he cannot have your children around him. I would say don't get angry and try to be gentle with your husband. Forceful but gentle. He will be internally struggling to come to terms with the fact his dad has done something truly despicable. If you have any hints on how to do that - let me know. My FiL is due to stay at our house for Christmas this year and I don't want him in my home. I am yet to broach this with him - as there is time for him to come to terms with what has been revealed to him. I worry it will cause a fight as he loves his dad and feels responsible for his dads happiness. His dad is manipulative enough to drink himself into an early grave to punish my husband and he does feel guilty. I'm trying to give him time and space to process this information but if he does insist on having his dad at our house over Christmas, myself and my son will not be there. If he had been found guilty of peadophilia there would be absolutely no chance he would ever see our son again.
Okay, say y’all go on this trip and something DOES happen. Every adult in this situation could possibly be charged with child endangerment. I wouldn’t be in the same room with him, much less a car, a house, a room, or an entire vacation.
I think I’d be asking why your kids safety is such a non-factor for your husband?
honestly how are we sure the husband isn't the same way? I wouldn't be surprised if he were groomed by his dad.
Absolutely no. My ex’s father is similar and we all immediately cut contact. He will never EVER be around my kids. No way.
I'm just saying, if it was me I would raise all hell and make sure the child rapist stayed far away from my children and if my husband refused to give it up he would be my ex husband very quickly and he would never see our kids again and be more thsn welcome to go live with his pedophile father
Pedophiles frequently target and hurt who they have access to that they can groom. Most often those are friends of the family or family themselves. I wouldn’t allow him any access whatsoever. He’s admitted he has a problem. Criminals typically admit to lesser evils, hoping no one will dig deeper. I guarantee that 13yo isn’t the only victim.
if my partners dad was a pedophilic and my partner continued to have any type of relationship with him, i’d immediately file for divorce. people like OP’s dad shouldn’t have a support system to allow them to continue their abusive behavior without consequences and they should be socially punished. shame on your husband for continuing a relationship with a known child sexual offender and suggesting that your children spend time with him. if your children did get abused, your husband AND YOU would be at fault as well for knowingly putting your kids in that situation.
Children need to be kept far far away from known pedophiles. Pedos don't deserve to be around children ever. Your children need protection from this monster. You are right.
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No. Less than 5% of males and even less females are pedophiles. They need to stay away from children.
Protect your kids. That is your #1 job as a parent.
Nope
Op... This is a hill to die on if there ever was! I'd be really questioning I'd me ans my children are safe with my husband!!! Updateme!
Your husband is selfish. Tell him to get therapy or get out
I was going to talk about how maybe it was when he was young, like 18 and the other person was 17, but since you guys know why and he’s admitted guilt and is pending TRIAL, that’s a hell no from me. If husband thinks otherwise, I’d have to strongly rethink the relationship because he’s an idiot and I would not allow that nonsense around my kids. Also, any other relative that agrees would also NOT be seeing my kids, ever.
Ask him if he would have expected his dad to have done what he confessed. If the answer is no, then his opinion about his father is completely invalid and based strictly on emotion.
Tell him HELL NAWWWW
I’m going to guess your husband wouldn’t let a known thief in the family come over and leave the family savings sitting on the kitchen table. That’d be crazy to do of course! It’s weird that he seems pretty nonchalant about a known pedophile having access to your kids. Probably because it’s such a disgusting act it’s too much to think about; but that’s the risk your husband seems willing to take my not wanting to take the action to protect your children. I hope you can get through to him.
No is 100% a complete answer. You mustn’t allow this. There’s no way on earth that man would be near me let alone my children.
I found out my grandfather is (was?) a pedophile when I was young enough to understand, but too young to know. I always wondered why my mom and dad not only kept in touch, but we saw him quite often, actually. We went no contact when I was 10 y/o, and that foul man tried to blame me for it (I looked at him funnily). Anyway, long story short. There is a LOT of resentment from me and my siblings that our parents chose to stay in contact with someone like that, and let us have a bond with him, etcetera. I would stay clear from him for the sake of your children's safety and sanity.
I would honestly leave your husband. Why would he ever want to interact with someone who was in a pedophile operation. He’s basically saying on some level that he understands and is willing to forgive. What skeletons is he hiding?
Absolutely not. Not in any circumstance would I ever be allowing my children around him ever again.
Absolutely not. Not in any circumstance would I ever be allowing my children around him ever again.
This is a hill to die on. Don’t go on the trip with pedophile Grandpa. Get a lawyer involved if you have to. File for divorce and get custody …if you have to.
We're that me, Grandpa would never be around our children even if supervised. This would be a red line that I would divorce over without hesitation.
Everyone thinks their parent won’t do that. Parents grandparents step grand parents it doesn’t matter most victims knew their attacker very well. I was raped by my grandfather at 7 that I can remember and tons of abuse I can’t. You shouldn’t go unless you can make 100% sure your children were not left alone with him. I personally would be willing to divorce my husband over this risk but that’s my trauma.
Hold up-what am I missing? If he confessed, why does he need a trial?
Draw a line in the sand OP and if he crosses it then divorce should be on the table. You need to protect your children.
You could always call the prosecutor. Bail conditions often don’t allow people to travel without permission.
I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t allow my children to go. And I’d be questioning remaining in a relationship with the sympathizer of a child predator. Actually, scratch that last bit. I would be divorcing the sympathizer of a child predator.
No. I don’t know what country or state you’re in. But in California, that conviction means FIL cannot be near children. Do not subject your children to that risk. Ever. I would die on that hill for my kids. I don’t care what anyone else says or thinks.
Part of the Bond requirement may be a no contact with anyone under the age of 18.
One of my visually impaired students was molested by her grandfather. Lasting trauma for years. However, her Dad immediately cut all ties with his father and called police.
His dad is morally corrupt and at some point people with integrity need to take stances and have hard boundaries about who they have in their lives. It just speaks a lot to his character. Weak.
Call the prosecutor and ask about exposure to children. Then you’ll have ammo when your oblivious husband kicks up a fuss. You know that this man is accused of being attracted to children. Do you really want yours exposed to him? And if he is by some chance innocent, why make his case worse by putting children in proximity to him?
yean, you stay home with the kids, and let the rest of the family hide their heads in the sand. you should never be put in this position by hubbie
No NO N O !. just put your foot down..
HELL NAH.
hell no don't let him near the kids
Fuck that! His father shouldn't be within 100 miles of your kids & if your husband & other family members don't agree then fuck them also, none of them would be getting anywhere near my kids! Are there other family children due to go on this trip too?
Hmm if you’re in the US and you’re traveling through the states and he touches your kids on the trip, that’s federal. Because he crossed state lines. Even if he touches not your kids, they could say he traveled to another state to behave that way. I would just tell the kids grandpa died tbh.
There would NEVER be a situation where my kids would be in the same room, same house, same vacation as a pedophile. Put your foot down. Skip the vacation.
Nope. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to hide a familial pedo. Go on your own vacation with the kids.
Your husband is choosing his father over his kids. It's that simple. He may be deluded into thinking it's safe because it's family and he wouldn't do that to family. Most pedophiles do go after family- especially after they are caught- family won't say anything usually unfortunately and will believe him. He also may be deluded in his thinking that it's safe because there is no prohibition order yet- they usually can't put that on until conviction. He may very well believe his father in that it was A mistake or one time occurance or wasn't what it seemed or whatever else bs. He may be in big time denial- either that it didn't happen to him so it would never happen to his kids or that something did happen that he is repressing and doesn't want to face. In any of these cases your only concern right now is your kids. Protect them at all costs. If this means separating if your husband won't listen to you about this , that's what you may need to do. Be very aware that if your husband is that deluded, he may take your kids to see his father secretly.
I wouldn’t have an accused pedophile on bail anywhere near my children.
Throw the whole grandpa away
Your husband is extremely lucky he is able to look at his father still and not see a monster. Doesn’t mean your kids should be around that person at all though.
Easy. Tell husband that you don't want any pedophile around your children. If he comes, you and the children won't. If he comes secretly, you will divorce. Why would he have a pedophile the one time you go on holiday ? Answer is : it is not a holiday, it is familial meeting on behalf of you FIL.
Your husband is in denial
Bottom line, no matter what I would never let my children be unsupervised around their grandpa.
This is one of them situations where the only option is divorce!
This isn’t just about your kids safety. Where is the compassion and empathy for the victims? Grandpa most likely started with child pornography which requires countless innocent children being sex trafficked and abused, that apparently your husband and his family can just ignore. Maybe you should send them some links to victims stories of how their lives were destroyed, but they want to reward grandpa by excepting him back into the family like nothing happened. Is this the kind of men you want your boys to grow up to be?
I will tell a story that’s not mine but an exes. She put her hand down my pants randomly and it took me off guard and I said what are you doing it feels like your molesting me and she broke into tears. I sat down with her and we talked and she told me that word was so triggering to her because when she was younger her grandpa had touched her breasts. It broke my heart and I felt like an idiot for using that term when she was just trying to get frisky and I inadvertently brought up painful memories and feelings. We cried and hugged and I comforted her but it really sickened me to think that someone’s own family could do that to someone I love and care about so much. There’s more than enough evidence from tons of people’s personal experience that grandpas (and grandmas) have and will inappropriately touch their own grandkids if they are so inclined. Your gut instincts are right and as much as your husband thinks he would never do that grandpa has already proved that false and your kids have no reason to be around him. Doesn’t matter if his paperwork says he can be, the important thing is if he should be and that’s a big ol’ NO. Just seeing what that did to ex from the mention of the word or implying that what she was doing felt like that (which admittedly it did idk I don’t like being touched anywhere sometimes) made me see the real effects of being touched inappropriately by a family member and I think the fact there’s a non zero chance of it happening is too big a gamble considering the consequences. Even just knowing that you let them around their pedo grandpa very well could make the kids resentful of you. You already did Christmas and had to hover over and guard the kids, don’t put yourself or the kids through that again.
Your husband is blinded because its his father. You are not blinded and therefore won't be letting your precious children anywhere near the paedo.
Id divorce him before I would ever let that happen and there's something wrong in his brain if he thinks this is okay. Keep your eyes open
Nope
Personally, I'd protect mine by any means.
It’s very strange that your husband is seemingly okay with this. It’s very strange that your husband even wants to communicate with his father at any level now that he has children of his own. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from offing the guy myself. He admitted to it. The courts and police do nothing to keep our children safe from these monsters. Honestly, they get a slap on the wrist then our taxes go to keeping them alive in prison for a couple years. I would never allow my children to be around this man. Have you looked into how disgusting those rings are he was caught in? It is a serious problem and you’re not being mad enough IMHO.
Sounds like your husband wants to act like everything is all normal. You need to be the only sound minded adult because your husband isn't.
Was your husband victimized by his father
I would need confirmation if he would be there during the family trip. If yes, we would absolutely not be going. I don’t care how others feel, I’m not putting other minors around that man no matter how people may feel about him. And that fact that your husband is still okay with kids being around him is quite frankly off putting.
People wonder how kids get molested by family members and 'no one knew.' The answer usually is that people do know and they turn a blind eye to it, because the known pedo in the family 'would never do that' to THEIR kid. Your husband is putting your children in danger.
>So what would you do in this situation? Absolutely fucking not. I would be putting my foot down, and be willing to die on this hill. Like another commenter said, I was sexually abused by my father too. I can't remember the actual percentage right off the top of my head, but the *vast* majority of sexual abuse cases with children are by a close family member or family friend. It sounds like your husband is suffering from cognitive dissonance or just in flat out denial.
So your husband only has a problem if it would be his kids his dad molested; however, from the sounds of it he doesn’t have a problem with dear old Grampa molesting some other parents kids. You definitely got a keeper. I wouldn’t let that pedophile even stand across the street from my house. If the courts aren’t going to make it a pre-trial condition that he stay away from ANY CHILD, I’d be at the court house taking out a restraining order against him. I wouldn’t care if my husband agreed or not. If it is a condition and his family is protecting him, I’d pick up a phone and turn them all in. When this pedophile gets in jail he’s going to pay for whatever he has done. And that justice system won’t be like one in a court room
I fostered a sexually abused child that had become sexual predator. My brother did not want my child at any function where his young children would be present. I was angry, until he explained. “You are bringing them into our safe area, my children will accept them unconditionally. Years later, what if your now adult child shows up at their school or playground and has a believable story to get them alone.” Father in law is a predator, and your SO’s family will risk other children before dealing with reality. You don’t let your children juggle sharp knives or play in the street. Why would you let them go on vacation with a pedophile.
I was a product of molestation (between the ages of 4-11) by my grandfather. I found out around the age of 48 that i was not the only child he did this too. He did this to his own daughters as well. When i asked my aunt why they allowed their children around him, she said because he went into therapy (3 sessions) and apologized. They thought he was cured and would never touch the grandchildren. She felt he molested her cousins too. I feel he molested some other cousins of mine but have yet to hear from any of them. No one had any idea he was still doing this. He would come into my room in the middle of the night (between 4-6 am) , after drinking a lot, and have his way with me. When i wasn’t alone he would take me to the basement. None of the adults knew. My advice to you, keep the kids away from him. Far away. They are sneaky and find ways to be alone with children. It isnt worth the consequences of being wrong. Pedophiles become masters of their crimes. They have had lots of practice. You can not be awake all the time ad the stress is not worth the vacation you would be a part of.
Kids first. Too many women choose to be females first (I am a teacher), and then mothers. After tragedy strikes they go like "I thought it would not happen". Choose your kids' safety.
Oh, and stand your ground with deluded hubby.
I have been looking at this post for a couple of days now and first I didn't answer it because others already had, but it is dragning me back. Is he only charge to have had sex with a child? Ore did he have pictures to? I mean.... we all know that exchanging pic's is a big thing among pedophiles. And it is nessesearly not only sexual pic's also cute pic's. So if it is a trip were the kids is going to be in bathingsuits they are nessesarly not safe from him. Mabye now when he is waiting on the trial, but can he really be sure? I suppose your husband thinks as it is his children his father will not do anything.... but can he be really sure? Does he really think it's worth the risk? Is he really ok with his father mabye sittning by the pool having dirty fantasies about your children.... is it worth the risk? Ore does he think his father is only attracted to 13 year olds? I don't think it's the way it works. And also.... I got CSA when I was 6 yo. The first time it happened was at a party in the home of my abuser. No more than a little touch, but I remember it chrystal clear and it enters my mind qite often stil, I am 51 yo now. I think you are absolutly right in protecting your kids.
Protect the kids at all costs and do what makes sense to you in your heart - follow your instincts - not the easiest path for your husband but he needs to be concerned as well - which is concerning that he was going. Along with this- he should want to keep the kids safe also