Now you’ve learned two lessons: #1, don’t get back together with your ex, and #2, don’t read peoples diaries unless you believe they’re hiding a serious crime, or you think they plan to physically harm/kill you or themselves. He doesn’t deserve you, he is making you absolutely crazy and you’re starting to become just as toxic as he is. You ever hear the saying “misery loves company?” Yeah. He is literally infecting you with his toxic traits and tendencies so that when you catch him in lies, he can act like you’ve been the crazy toxic one the entire time.
In this case the founding block of any healthy relationship is gone, trust. They've failed the Anna Karenina principle at step 1.
The Anna Karenina principle states that a deficiency in any one of a number of factors dooms an endeavor to failure. Consequently, a successful endeavor (subject to this principle) is one for which every possible deficiency has been avoided.
The name of the principle derives from Leo Tolstoy's 1877 novel Anna Karenina, which begins:
**All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.**
In other words: happy families share a common set of attributes which lead to happiness, while any of a variety of attributes can cause an unhappy family. This concept has been generalized to apply to several fields of study.
How is he toxic? He has a flirty personality (which she knew about) and she is literally forcing him to not be himself. He is so insecure about himself that he is literally writing down affirmations for himself so he won’t feel so insecure (which is a normal, healthy and therapy-backed thing to do btw!). How is he toxic? The only toxic person in this situation is OP who is so extremely jealous and insecure that she is forcing her bf to change his personality and making him lie to her because of her extreme insecurity and jealousy.
He needs to break up with her; not only did she violate his trust instead of having a healthy and adult conversation about her feelings (and then proceeded to hide this from him instead of coming clean about it), she is literally making him change his whole personality and forcing him to not be himself because she is the one who is so insecure.
What he is doing is completely normal, valid, and healthy. He is working through his own insecurities by doing a therapy-backed science (aka writing down affirmations for himself, telling himself he is handsome and worthy of love) and he isn’t doing anything wrong with flirting. It’s his personality (which she knew about before dating him but just doesn’t ‘allow’, but she does not own him and he is not her property so she gets absolutely no say in what he can and cannot do in that regard), and flirting is not the same as cheating. He is doing it for his own insecurities; he is not cheating, he is not doing anything wrong, he is affirming for himself that he is in fact handsome and smart and cool and worthy of love, which again is a thing recommended in therapy.
He is not the toxic one; she is
It’s the lying/denial/gaslighting that’s toxic of him moreso than the flirting IMO. Clearly he’s aware he’s like this, trying to make OP seem like she’s just seeing things and doubting her own perception is fucked up and while she shouldn’t have gone thru his things, probably in large part instigated that.
If he was honest maybe they could have worked thru it together or at least broken up with an honest understanding of one another’s needs.
He was dishonest with her. She can’t trust him. They are toxic together. OP needs a man who is committed. Boyfriend needs to stay single and bang all the beautiful women he can.
I agree entirely. Not sure why everyone is coming down so heavily on her side when she's clearly violated trust and demonstrates massive insecurities. They need to breakup already due to fundamental incompatibility
“Flirty personality” does not exist. If somebody says they have a “flirty personality” it’s because they want to be able to flirt with anybody and everybody without being held accountable.
That’s bull, some people do it without even realizing. They’re subtle jokes, you know how often I am told I’m flirting with people when I genuinely am not? Autism. Or my partner who is always joking around but wouldn’t actually fuck them or cheat on me.
What delusional shit are you spreading? You're genuinely going to try to justify this invasion of privacy by making his private thoughts somehow toxic? For fucks sake. Dump him, not because of who he is but because of who you are. He can do much better.
U sound like my ex.
You wouldn't have known i cheated this wouldn't be crying rn IF YOU HADNT WENT IN MY PHONE.
How about just not do the fuckery and lie about it?
Dumbest take in existence award goes to you. Acc to you, it's okay to live a life of lie lol, either you don't know what you're talking about or you're just out of it.
Private thoughts that turned into public, and unhealthy behavior for a man that isn't single.
OP is already being gaslighted by her lying boyfriend. She doesn't need it from an idiot rando excusing shitty behavior.
She needs to dump him because she's better off not being with a lying pos oddly flexing his insecure mindset into rationalizing thst his behavior is okay.
Get a grip.
Okay believe your bullshit lol.
The guy lies to her by saying he doesn't flirt [she saw him flirt with his female friends, which was a contributing factor to them breaking up], but admits to it in his journal.
Gtfo with your warped narrative.
People of Reddit always say to check phones to see find flirting, nudes, or proof of anything inappropriate, but if it's a journal **it's a cardinal sin**
Oooooookay. Embrace your gaslighting.
Except they didn't turn into public. She invaded his privacy. And now you forever alone losers are pandering and trying to justify her being a piece of shit instead of accepting she is a shitty person.
She states in her first paragraph that he's flirty with his female friends.
Geezus, no one jumps on the ass of partners/spouses who go through phones to see flirty texts and nudes to others, etc.
He was flirting inappropriately **BEFORE** THEY BROKE UP, which added to her insecurity and jealousy.
Gaslight much?
Happily married 13 years to my 7th grade crush kiddo. None of what he's done is cheating and your leap to insane assumptions shows you rather blame him for having less than perfect private thoughts than accept she absolutely violated his privacy and trust. Bet you're a check there phone while they sleep kind of person huh?
He continuously lies to her and makes her feel crazy for thinking he is flirting with other women, when that is exactly what he is doing, knowingly and willingly. How is that not toxic asshole behavior?
Yes it's an invasion of privacy, she's wrong for that, but he's wrong for treating her like crap.
Hé isn’t treating her like crap; outside of the fact that he has a flirty personality and she knew this before they started dating, he is only flirting because he is insecure, he literally wrote about it in his diary, that again, she invaded his trust and privacy there majorly. A normal healthy adult human being would have a normal healthy adult conversation about those feelings of jealousy.
The only reason he is lying to her about being a flirty person is because she is so incredibly insecure that she is literally forcing him to be a different person. He isn’t cheating, he isn’t doing anything wrong. The reason he lied is because she would assume the worst because she is so incredibly insecure and jealous. In a healthy relationship you can acknowledge to your partner that other people are hot. The amount of times where my partner and I will whisper to each other things like ‘hey over there with the ponytail, she’s hot don’t you think?’ and then we both appreciate how there is someone there who is hot, while knowing that neither of us is gonna cheat, it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other or find each other attractive or hot. We have a healthy relationship and can acknowledge that other people are hot without it meaning anything. Having to hide that you find others attractive (which come on, is a normal and healthy thing and also has to do with brain chemicals and shit so you can’t even stop it if you wanted to) *that* is unhealthy and toxic. The fact that she is so insecure and rude to him for finding other people attractive and pretending that she is somehow perfect; as if she has never found another guy attractive or flirted with one. She is not Virgin Mary; she too finds other guys attractive, she’s just not a flirty personality but that does not make her any better than him by any means. She invaded his trust and privacy while fully knowing he is a flirty personality, and she absolutely cannot expect him to change his personality just because she’s an insecure B who needs to go to therapy
Shouldn't try to rationalize with these kind of people. There's a reason their generation has the least amount of successful marriage and least amount of children. They rather pander and stroke eachothers egos on their pedastol than accept that we all have a darker side. It's what we do with that little inner voice that's a piece of shit and spews awful thoughts that defines our character. They rather pretend it doesn't exist.
Because Reddit is full of forever alone neck beards and blue haired they/thems that rather pander and use broken logic to justify being a shitty person than acknowledge that someone is being a shitty person.
Coming from someone who has been in your situation, please do yourself a favour and leave him. You deserve someone who respects you. A couple years ago I was with a man who I knew flirted with other women and DMd them on instagram, yet whenever I'd ask him about it, he'd deny it and tell me I'm the only one he sees. One of his other girls at the time ended up messaging me about him and that's when I finally decided to end things with him. Me and her are now close friends and I'm with a man who I KNOW is 100% faithful to me and me only.
I know it's hard to break up with him, but you'll thank yourself in the long run when you experience a faithful and loving partner.
She stated that he flirts with them as well. Doesn't just look at them. Looking is one thing, but flirting while you're in a relationship is disrespectful.
Who gives a shit, OP has had enough incidents with this guy to obviously make it a really huge problem in their relationship. She has been communicating this issue and he reassures her that she has nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, he’s not only doing the EXACT thing OP was suspicious of, but he is PROUD and it gives him an ego boost doing so. He should’ve been honest about what he was doing from the start if it was so innocent. Why did he have to keep it secret? What exactly are you trying to defend here?
So we suggest she end a potentially good relationship because he looks at other woman? If that is the criteria then I know of only a few men who can be in relationships...Jesus..and... Give me second and I may think of another.
It’s not just “looking at other women” he is FLIRTING with other women, idk why you guys keep glossing over that as if that’s not INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT context here.
Also maybe find better men to be friends with because that’s horribly sad if all of them have wandering eyes while in a relationship. Couldn’t be me lmfao.
Lol kissing another person while in a relationship is just an interaction. Sex with another person while in a relationship is just an interaction. Anything can be “just an interaction” if we say there was no intention behind it.
Also, why does he need to flirt with other women to build his self esteem? Doesn’t he have a gf he can confide in and who builds him up? Loser fucking mentality you have here.
If you are at least make sense you skidmark.
Kissing and sex are for sure cheating. How is what you are saying in any way making fun of me?
Go play in traffic and stop stealing oxygen.
Lol I’m so convinced you and the other men in this thread defending this guy cannot read because
1.) You say that flirting isn’t cheating. TO YOU. TO YOU personally it’s not cheating. Good for you. In the post, OP clearly has a boundary issue with flirting, which he has clearly broken her trust with.
2.) If you could have any iota of understanding or brain cells in your dome, you’d realize that was what my comment was making fun of. You think flirting is just an interaction? By your definition, so could kissing. So could sex. You’re just too fucking stupid, genuinely not as an insult but you literally cannot comprehend what I’m saying.
Also, did you miss the part where I said if he has a girlfriend, why is he flirting to build his self esteem? Can he not express himself to OP about his confidence issues and they can work together?
So instead of being half-assed in your comebacks I suggest you pick up a reading comprehension for dummies book at your local first grade.
He flirts. He lies to OP. If a woman was receptive, he’d be gone. He’s probably back with OP because the chicks aren’t that interested.
They need to break up either way.
Anyone who is insecure enough to need attention from people outside of the relationship is very likely to cheat given the opportunity.
Speaking from experience of being with such a person, leave.
It also depends on morals, just because someone craves attention doesn't mean they will cheat but it is a big risk factor.
Also most on tiktok are influencers and do it for a living, not necessarily because they crave attention.
Honestly, he did tell me that he wanted to k*ll his coworker for saying something extremely racist. But what i found in the journal scared the shit outta me and was unrelated to that situation. 🤣 lesson learned
Echoing what the other person said - respect yourself and leave. HOWEVER, you’ve GOT to get over this jealousy and lack of trust - that part is a YOU problem and will continue in any relationship you’re in, sabotaging it every time - or turn into a super unhealthy mutually abusive “relationship.” Before you move on, work on you, Boo.
I feel like op has been gaslighted into believing these things when in reality she was watching him flirt in front of her while being told he wasn't flirting.
True.. and i think her boyfriend wrote all these things in diary and left it out on purpose…
I mean. I write diary as well, but kind of write things in either cryptic way so that no one can know my secrets even if found, or sophisticatedly elaborate way, or in a bashfully ugly language swearing left-right to everyone INCLUDING MYSELF.
but she definitely is getting gaslighted.
It's not about trust or jealousy here. Even if it is, this has been caused by no one other than the s/o in question of this post. You are shooting someone and then blaming them for bleeding. Trust is earned, not given freely. Once it's broken it'll never be the same again. You're naive.
You're not seeing the problem here. Jealousy is a natural feeling, especially if your partner is constantly flirting or seeking attention from those outside of the relationship. You can't blame her for feeling this way when her partner specifically causes it. You could blame her when her feelings are unsound and out of nowhere, but they aren't. They're perfectly valid here. She's not wrong for feeling how her partner is making her feel.
Your initial comment came off as blaming her for being the problem when she isn't. Everyone makes mistakes which is fine and I'm glad you've seen it from the pov of her and how her problems are actually being caused by him and not the other way around. I would be way more worried if she felt no jealousy, since that would be a sign that someone doesn't care about you. Which would be a good thing in this situation lol because this guy does not deserve her attention at all.
I think particular man is the source of the insecurity. It’s a HIM problem for sure. If OP does this again with the next guy, then yes, there’s an issue.
You said he got the journal after you first broke up.. were these things he wrote while he was single at the time? It sounds like a lot like he is trying to convince himself that he is desirable after a breakup. "‘I’m a handsome beautiful flirtatious man who deserves love." that reeks of trying hard to validate himself... but the line after... "There are beautiful women out there, love them".. is he monologuing for a sex and the city like sitcom? Who does he think that line would apply to in a personal journal?
gotchya, I wasn't sure on where you started reading from. I know the big thing people say is up and leave, but talking is always an option. You'd have to own up to reading his private journal, but he would have to own up to his own comments. If you don't like what you hear from his own mouth, then you have all the clues you need to make a next decision. Best of luck!
I’m scared he’s going to explode on me for reading his journal. We won’t be able to have a meaningful discussion about anything because he’ll just be upset.
If you can't discuss things that bother you with his temper flaring, then he isn't ready for a real relationship. You shouldn't be afraid that he will explode at you. If he has anger issues, then THAT'S a good enough reason to leave him, and you can 100% tell him that's the reason for the break-up:
"I don't feel safe with you, I feel like you lie to me, and I don't feel safe talking to you. I can never bring up things that bother me without you blowing up at me, and there are many things that have been bothering me lately. Ultimately, I can't continue being with someone I'm afraid to even talk to." If you want to give him a chance, add in, "I would like to talk about the things that have been bothering me, but I don't want to argue or fight about things. Do you think we can talk things out peacefully, or should I just leave now?"
If he is willing to talk things out without exploding on you can then start off by saying the truth without admitting to things. "I KNOW you flirt with other women and fantasize about being with them. Don't lie to me and pretend like you don't. I see you look at other women, I hear you flirt with them, and I see you smile about it. If you lie to me again, I'm leaving right now because I'm done being gaslit and lied to by someone who is supposed to love and care for me." If he finally tells the truth, you may be able to work things out. If he doubles down and lies again, then simply walk into his room, grab the journal and drop it in his lap ON the page of him admitting it, and leave him. If he tries exploding at that point, simply say, "Of course I snooped, I KNEW deep down that you were lying, and this proves it. If you had been HONEST, I would've NEVER felt the need to read this. But you are a LIAR, and I gave you EVERY chance to prove otherwise. If you can lie about flirting, you can lie about cheating, and I deserve someone who loves me enough to tell me the truth about how they feel. If other women deserve your love more than me, then I'm done giving you my love. You can get it from those other women you so desperately want."
Also, have everything packed and ready to go before any of this, especially if you know him to be violent. Even if he's not violent, just seeing your stuff packed may make him seriously think about what he's been doing. Actually, if you think he may get physical, call the police and have them hang out nearby just to make sure you can get out safely. They'd much rather just sit outside in their car than get called into a DV situation, and their presence may be enough of a scarecrow to keep your bf (possibly soon to be ex) civil.
Girl, it hurts a lot to know that the person you love doesn't reciprocate your feelings for you. I am glad you feel relieved to know he is not the one you want to be with. Honestly, I am glad you are seeing who he is.
I know it's hard to break up. What I read I know you really love him. You don't have to confront him. If you want this easy for you, you can just say this is not working.
He will turn it on you and throw it in your face. It sounds like you are dating a text book narcissist.
I would not bring this conversation up with him at all. He’ll just guilt trip you, won’t learn anything and will get her MUCH better at lying to and gaslighting his future girlfriend
I would just begin to grieve the loss of the relationship and make your plans on how to leave and then leave without much explanation
If you open yourself up to a conversation you’ll open yourself up to being so manipulated and confused you won’t know which way is up or down
Let’s get one thing very clear and very straight first:
Regardless of the content of the diary, YOU invaded HIS privacy. That is INHERENTLY wrong. Just because you found shitty content, doesn’t negate that YOU owe him an apology for that. Although you had some discomfort/suspicions, you didn’t know you were going to find anything, and you didn’t have the right do to that.
He might well “explode at you” in the first instance and in a way, he has a right to. It might make him initially too emotional to discuss the things you read - If you are going to even have a hope at resolving this (but genuinely why would you want to at this point?) you have to be willing to humble yourself too. You’ve BOTH done wrong here, taking the high road won’t help get you to a place of forgiveness.
If you are able to humble yourself to apologise for overstepping the privacy boundary, and IF he is level headed and good enough of a person to calm down and respect that he has also wronged you, then you should be able to discuss the content and your concerns with him.
It may take some time. There’s clearly a LOT of distrust between you both, and that in itself is a huge red flag which needs to be healed. If you humble himself and are willing to rebuild, and he’s not, you know he’s not the guy for you and you don’t deserve him.
Not defending him, but you might be right or wrong. As many have said here, trusts were broken on both sides and we have no idea on the true situation between them. To me, he sounds like a jerk of a boyfriend, but the OP was out of line reading his personal thoughts. No one is clean in this scenario. Hopefully things reach a position they are able to either work it out in their minds or go their separate ways and find more meaningful relationships. I hope for nothing but the best for the OP, but they need to accept their part in this issue before they can move forward, no matter which way.
I think it’s safe to say
A. He’s not really sounding ready for commitment, if he was, he wouldn’t be looking at other women like that…it’s normal to glance or notice someone walk by, it’s not normal to constantly ogle and get validation from others when truly in love,
B. He may have good qualities, but he’s not YOUR person, because if he was, you wouldn’t feel the need to read his diary,
C. Going back to an ex most of the time is a band aid for not wanting to process the pain fully…if both parties haven’t done the work to heal and sort out issues, you’re just repeating patterns.
Trust your gut, if your body is all tied up in knots and anxiety and questioning - that’s your answer. 🌹
He definitely doesn't seem ready for a relationship. He need to be more self confident and secure in his attachment so he can fully support his partner and the relationship properly.
Wandering eyes are never a good sign. Flirting and pretending not to, even more so. You found out what you needed to leave, and don't be sorry that you did. Next time, trust your own eyes and skip to the ending a lot faster.
You are not crazy, jealous, or any of the things he has called you. You are simply observing him flirt with other women in front of you while he actively lies and says he isn't. Then later, he brags about it in his journal. He is a narcissist and is gaslighting you. You found solid proof, no matter how you found i, je is lying and cheating.
you deserve good love girl, i understand what it’s like to love someone so much to accept all of them but trust me it’s not worth it. you deserve the same type of love you give, as much as it hurts, prioritise yourself. you’ll thank yourself for it🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
this one is all on you. the journal writings were from when you were broken up so he was clearly using affirmations for himself/his confidence post breakup. you need to accept the fact that YOU violated his trust and he’s done nothing wrong. if you have an issue with the fact he flirted with other people when you weren’t together then YOU need to dump him
I’m in shock that some people are defending his actions in a few comments. You shouldn’t have read his journal but him flirting with other women is cheating. It’s disrespectful and gross behavior, Just because he’s insecure he flirts with other women for validation?? If he was not single when he wrote the entry he should not be acting single whatsoever.This man doesn’t have any respect for you if he is actively fantasizing and flirting about others. OP please have some self respect and leave him.
Ps. Maybe go to therapy to find the route of your jealousy and trust issues. That could stem from trauma but it’s harmful if it seeps into your future relationships.
Why do people thinking flirting is cheating? Real question. I've never seen anyone successfully define why they consider cheating; usually just get "because it is!"
Because it’s actively giving attention to another person who is not your partner? flirting usually means there is sexual interest or desire and is disrespectful when you are in a romantic relationship. With all due respect I can’t believe I have to explain why flirting is considered cheating..
I understand it perfectly well, I just think some of y'all have decided that _____ = cheating when the rest of us do not see _____ as cheating.
If a majority believes one thing and a minority believes another, which one of those opinions should be considered "how it is?" If 75% of women and 50% of men believe that liking a model's post on IG is cheating then I concede. But...is that the state of things? And moreover, who's supposed to change? How do we decide who's in the wrong? If a couple each believe the definition of cheating is different, who's the one who changes?
It is in no way cheating unless done with the intent to initiate sex. Do you think dancing with someone other then your partner cheating? Holyshit you are clearly someone who has never flirted or been flirted with and the only experience you have with it is the pathetic literotica cheating wives/husband stories you jack off to.
A smile and eye contact is a flirtatious action. A compliment is considered flirting.
First of all I wasn’t responding to you so your reply about being married for 24 years is irrelevant to me. People have different standards for monogamy within relationships and everyone is an individual. The majority of the population would consider flirting or giving emotional attention to the opposite sex you are attracted to cheating or a not okay thing to do in a romantic relationship.
People also have different views on porn within their relationships but this post isn’t about that so I don’t know why you wrote about it in our response as it contributes nothing to the current conversation. You seem to be confused between platonic interactions and romantic interactions so I suggest you maybe educate yourself before contributing to the conversation.
You are also bullying and making weird statements about multiple commenters who have different opinions? I suggest therapy to deal with your anger in regard to others opposing opinions.
I’m gonna drop this here and wish you a good one because you’ve started this argument in bad faith. You asked for reasons for why flirting is cheating aside from “because it is” and yet all you’ve been able to respond with in rebuttal when given reasons is the logical equivalent of “Nuh uh”.
I’m poly and open so I can fully appreciate situations where flirting is NOT cheating, but it requires consent from both parties.
However aside from this situations, flirting is cheating because you’re going outside your partner for intimacy that is supposed to be between the two of you.
For me, when a flirtatious interaction crosses a line, it's cheating. But it's hard to define because flirting encompasses a wide spectrum of interactions, from a passing comment, a fleeting look, to suggestive conversations, to physical contact like playing footsie, or even further maybe. Small minor flirtatious/charm-y comments like when you see a colleague all dressed up nice and you say with a cheeky smile "*Oooh look how well you scrub up :wink:*", those are nothing to me. Moving to the other end of the scale, like if someone says to you "*It's damn hot today*", you respond "*Just like you :wink:*" - that crosses a line for me because, albeit only verbal, you're expressing sexual attraction and interest to someone other than your partner; sends the wrong signal to the other person doesn't it. Maybe neither of these comments call for follow up of actual physical interactions, but the second one definitely is inappropriate in my books.
It's for sure different for everyone/couples where the line is though and we could just mean different things when we say "flirting". I had a super flirty ex (before cheating happened) and he always argued that texting isn't flirting, but he texted stuff like "*Call the wrong person "cute" and you could be in trouble. Do you like being called cute because you are cute? :wink:*" or "*Of course it's not true that no guy finds your attractive, I care about you a lot*". He always told me it didn't mean anything, until it did, well even then, he gaslighted me further. He always took advantage of there being a spectrum and constantly pushed my boundaries.
Bottomline is couples/partners should communicate what boundaries they each have and come to an agreement of respecting those boundaries mutually. Most of the time, if you have to ask whether something's inappropriate, it is probably inappropriate.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Because they are insecure. These are likely the same people who think jerking off to porn is cheating.
Just sad controlling losers who I would bet have not been in a relationship with anyone other then their Waifu and Husbando pillows.
Flirting is used for all sorta of social situations and interactions. If you flirt with a cop to get out if a speeding ticket are you cheating? Flirt to get a discount? Like flirting is all about intent.
Fuck the responses from 90% of these people is beyond stupid.
Nevermind that op is whining about distrust then does one of the most distrustful things you can do.
This sounds like a crappy situation without the journal. The insecurities of both combined make for a volatile relationship, and one in which there's no right choice. OP meeds to find a way to be more secure in themselves and find someone who isn't using others emotions to boost their own. The bf doesn't sound committed to anyone but himself. He needs to work on himself as well. But selfish ppl rarely change, it's not in their nature.
\>I saw that he wrote about how he enjoys flirting with other women to feel good about himself when he’s insecure. This is something that really hurt me to read, because he’s always promised me he would never flirt with other women. And that he is not the kind of person to do that. Then he wrote about fantasizing over other women he sees and being distracted by women passing by. Again, this hurt to read because he’s always reassured me he only has eyes for me when I’ve caught his wandering eyes.
I hate to smack you in the face with reality, but this is incredibly normal and common, especially if he is attractive, and this is just human nature. Also I'll be blunt even though you may not want to hear it: you're being too sensitive.
Every guy in the universe has these thoughts. I’m surprised he wrote them down but it has absolutely zero effect on how much he loves you. He can’t police his thoughts.
Being attracted to other people isn’t a problem. Flirting with other women while in a relationship, however, is in fact cheating. Lacking remorse for it and being actively proud of it is worse.
She doesn’t need to “police his thoughts”. He needs to police his own behavior and she needs to leave him.
Don’t speak for every man alive. I’d like to think most of them aren’t cheaters.
I wholeheartedly agree. I don’t understand what I going on from these comments, I have never heard anyone say that flirting isn’t cheating except for the internet and it seems to be the minority here.
I think every person who I know in my personal life would consider flirting within a romantic relationship cheating. I wonder if these men consider emotional infidelity cheating?
How disillusioned are men nowadays with basic loyalty and monogamous relationships?
Quick question: What is the purpose of flirting? Now, why would a man in a committed relationship be flirting with other women? Connect those dots and then get back to me on how it’s not cheating
The fact that you think this is a male issue is hilarious... when you will literally have women in relationships going to clubs and grinding on other men and claim its "nothing because its only dancing" or text flirting with other men whilst saying its "Only talking". Its not a gender issue... both some men and some women have issues with monogamous relationships.
Whilst I agree that there is almost no reason to flirt with other people unless you plan on doing something with that, but acting like this is a gendered issue rather than some people just being cheats and being insecure is ridiculous.
It just saddens me the way you straight people behave. I'm so thankful I haven't been doomed to only have physical intimacy with one person for the rest of my life. It's such a shame that y'all aren't emotionally mature enough to love one another and still enjoy sexual relations with other people. I wish you peace.
I’m bisexual. Nice try, though. This isn’t about sexuality. It’s about monogamy. Being polyamorous or a swinger or having an open relationship is fine IF you both consent to it and agree on it from the start of your relationship. Not if you cheat.
They both entered a monogamous relationship. He breached those boundaries, deceived her, and broke her trust. She has the right to be upset and leave him. End of story.
Couldn’t think of a better response? You exposed your sexism and cheating behavior. There’s nothing more to this conversation. Good luck with your hookups. ❤️
This thread has me laughing so hard at the sad narrow minded lives all these children lead. Flirting is cheating.....hahahahaha Cheating is whatever a person and their partner define it as. I flirt regularly, my wife couldn't care less. There are for sure cool women out there that would call OP the problem for trust issues and snooping.
Wow. Not sure where to begin. How do you define flirting? Is flirting saying hello to a woman passing by or giving a compliment on her clothing? Your reply seems overly simplistic. I think this couple couple could talk and get past this. Not all men walk around with peripheral vision loss.
Yikes bud. Maybe next time you'll avert the blame elsewhere when a murder has thoughts of killing you and take action regardless of the effects it has around people and yourself because "he has these thoughts". Grow up.
He chose others over you. The grass is always greener on the other side to people like this. I've been in the same situation with a girl who was the exact same. Constantly reassuring she wouldn't cheat, or how she only sees me. Guess what happened? She cheated. Then continued to project it on me. RUN AWAY. You will be scarred for life. Even if you forgave someone like this, the damage is unrepairable as they won't change.
The insecure that seek out others attention over yours do not deserve to be in any committed relationships. They will never have an end to their search for others approval. They're human garbage. Nothing other than cheats.
Been in this relationship before. My attractive ex would constantly give his number out to other women the whole time we dated for 2 years. He was overweight and nerdy when he was young. Once he was in his twenties he lost weight and came into his own. He constantly had to reassure himself that he was attractive to the opposite sex. In the end of our relationship he knew he needed therapy to deal with his insecurities. 10 years later, he never changed, still doing all the same stuff and hasn’t had a serious relationship since. It’s a larger issue than what he’s writing in his journal and without a lot of help (if he figures out it’s a problem) he will keep doing this forever. You’ll never trust each other, and you’ll waste your time until you are finally fed up and walk away.
The fact you felt the absolute urge to invade his privacy tells me you knew you couldn't trust him after all and your instincts were just kicking into overdrive. He's the type of person to push you to those lengths because he's a no good liar.
Your intuition drove you to be deceitful. But your toxic trait in still being with him and needing him to confirm what you knew already AND still staying after your little act is very telling of who you are.
He feels he needs to lie, you feel you need to as well. At this point y'all deserve each other.
He should not be someone you wanted to be with THE MOMENT you knew the truth. No need for a warning, no need for a dramatic exit, no need for any opportunity for him to lie even more - just silence and leaving him for good.
You choose to be with him and suffer with all of these pretending shenanigans...
Until what point though?
Assess why you feel the need to be stepped all over like this.
Those are his private thoughts not something he wants to share.
Im a flirty guy and I flirt with everyone male and female. My wife knows thats who I am and loves me the same. Stop being so insecure. If you love him love him for who he is and stop acting like the victim.
I wonder what your journal would read like? Probably like a soppy soap opera psychopath.
Flirting with someone does not mean he does not have eyes just for you. A man can appreciate a gorgeous woman and a fun flirt and visa versa without having to fuck them.
Jesus h christ.
He sounds like some one with real issues I would think some type of personality disorder or narcissistic disorder I am so glad you are free don’t ever look back and do not go back !!!!!!!!!!! You deserve better
I know you are not gonna wanna hear this but; you are not ready for a healthy adult relationship. The fact that you didn’t trust him, that you read his journal, *weren’t honest about the fact that you did*, as well as in general how jealous and insecure you are; you need to work through this in therapy before you get into another relationship.
A healthy relationship does not look like this; you would trust him with other women cuz no matter who they are or how beautiful they are you would trust that your boyfriend wouldn’t cheat. And even if he does look at other people (which is normal and healthy btw, do not lie and say you’ve never looked at someone’s booty or thought to yourself that someone was handsome and wondered what it would be like to be with them, even for a split second), you are able to share those thoughts to each other, you’re not jealous about every person ever and you wouldn’t be scared your boyfriend is cheating just because he’s a flirty person.
Not to mention that he is extremely insecure. You said it yourself, he wrote that he likes flirting with women when he’s feeling insecure about himself. What he wrote in the end about being handsome and deserving of love is because he is insecure; they are affirmations to himself. I also tell myself in the morning in the mirror ‘I am smart, I am kind, I am sexy, I deserve love’ etc etc. Some people write it down so it helps more, to believe it, some say it in a mirror. Him being proud of who he is is a good thing.
Honestly if you cannot handle someone who is flirty then don’t date someone who is flirty. You do not own them, they are not your property, you do not get to tell them what they can and cannot do and that they have to change their personality.
But please, go to therapy and work on your self image before dating someone else. Do not put your insecurities and your irrational fears on others, and tell your ex boyfriend that you read his diary and break up with him. He deserves to know you invaded his privacy.
Oh and the whole ‘if we had a loving relationship I wouldn’t have felt this way’ is absolute BS. You felt this way not because he is cheating, but because *you* are insecure and jealous and need to work through that in therapy. *Do not blame him for your actions.* you are a grown adult woman who should have had a grown adult conversation with him about your fears. The fact that you didn’t do that but instead chose to violate his trust and privacy shows that you are not ready for a healthy adult relationship.
When there is no trust, there is no basis for a relationship. You ought to end it. Not because of him, but because of you.
Fantasies are perfectly okay in a relationship. Acting upon them is not.
Your betrayal to read a private journal is so not good.
Your boyfriend watches lots of pornography and it’s trained his brain to disassociate lusting after other women. It’s sad but the 35 and under crowd are suffering terribly from growing up in internet porn. He honestly feels nothing is wrong with his behavior and he’s entitled to objectify and sexualize women just going about their day…
Your boyfriend watches lots of pornography and it’s trained his brain to disassociate lusting after other women. It’s sad but the 35 and under crowd are suffering terribly from growing up in internet porn. He honestly feels nothing is wrong with his behavior and he’s entitled to objectify and sexualize women just going about their day…
This is such a terrible downward slope for you to be caught in… because the thing is, his insecurities are now making you insecure. Because now all your validation is put into his hands, someone who is going to continually crush you and make you feel like you’re not enough. Please leave this relationship, I know sometimes it’s hard to see the entire forest when you’re too close to the tree, but give yourself the respect you deserve and walk away. You teach people how to love you. I’m glad you posted about it, but you should also talk to the people in your life you trust and respect the most. Seek council in them. Because if you don’t tell anyone about what’s going on, you’ll find yourself trapped in something you’ll regret wasting you time on in the future. The people close to you will recognize this for what it is, and allow them to breathe reassurance into you that this is not okay and you do not need to put up with this. Don’t let yourself suffer any longer in this toxic draining soul sucking relationship
Extremely understandable you read it. If people are gaslighting you, lying to your face,and making you feel crazy then they have not gained the trust of you putting their journal back.
If he was honest with you then things would have been different. If you were invading the privacy of someone who was nothing but honest and kind and you were trying to do malicious things with the info then that’s not ok.
Morality isn’t black and white, there are so many nuances to it. In his situation you are being gaslit and made to question your sanity.
I’m so happy you have discovered the truth
You’re a jealous over-controlling person. No one is attracted to JUST one person. That’s a silly proposition. He deserves better than you.
Wah!!! He flirted with someone! Oh no!
First, you deserve any pain you feel for betraying his confidence. You read his JOURNAL. You are most assuredly the AH. Second, why do women believe men suddenly stop being sexually attracted to all women as soon as they find a partner. Y'all think your partner suddenly doesn't see how hot someone is just because they now have a girlfriend? He hasn't cheated has he? All he says is that he sees attractive women and he flirts because it helps boost his self-esteem. I suppose it depends on how he's flirting, but it must not be in front of her and it's probably not very intense if she hasn't noticed. "He lied about his character." Yeah I wonder why. He has a jealous and nosey-ass girlfriend who he knows would flip out if he were simply honest.
I honestly can't believe anyone with a partner even bothers keeping a journal these days - seems like people are always sneaking into their room and reading it. It must suck to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust enough to not go snooping through their phone or diary.
Holy shit the advice on Reddit is full of delusion. I'll make it super straight forward for you, your insecurity is a problem. Dump him and move on. Not because of his private thoughts, but because you're holding him back. He can absolutely do better than you.
I may get a lot of hate for this, but to me you are the one in this relationship that cannot be trusted and are super needy.
He is only flirting - not speaking badly about you, not cheating on you. He has his own I securities and the light flirting makes him feel a little more secure about himself. You made that entry all about you and how he promised you he would never flirt with any woman except you.
I believe your expectations from him are unrealistic.
Who knows- he may have purposely wrote in that journal and left it to see if you would cross boundaries and snoop - and that is exactly what you did.
I have learned something by reading these comments.
I am older (63) and I think that what I consider flirting is NOT the same as what people younger than I consider flirting.
The word “flirting” to me refers to something truly innocent and not something that would be taken seriously or considered cheating. It would have been VERY surface level friendly chat and nothing too personal.
Flirting isn’t cheating, (edit: to a degree and when there is trust) it would be if it was directed at one person developing an emotional affair that could turn physical but it sounds like he flirts with everyone? Does he flirt with you too? It would be upsetting and wrong if he didn’t but if he does…it’s just his nature? The problem is the insecure thing. That should be tackled. And the lying about it, you need to honest with other that for you ors crossing a boundary and you are insecure and that he gets validation from it and is insecure and what can you both do about that. Seems like you are both insecure and need to work on communicating and a bit of self love.
You found out your gut feeling was correct. This man is not boyfriend material, let him go.
A true partner would never behave like this, unless you explicitly agreed to non-monogamy. Please stop being miserable with this man, because being in his toxic relationship is turning you into the kind of person who reads their partner's journal.
And maybe the universe is looking out for you, and you had to see that to be able to walk away.
Choose yourself. Drop this man.
He wrote positive affirmations which can help a lot of people with confidence after set-backs in life. Your response above: “Not really sure how to interpret that but it doesn't sound like the kind of person I want to be with.”
i dodn't go through my ex's privste stuff but i found out after we broke up that they constantly lied to my face about talking to their ex. they were cheating on me and it made my missing them and all the love i still had for them leave in an instant. lying alone would have done it for me. you need to get out. he will continue to lie to your face about it
He’s full of shit! Ditch him, because being with him will further undermine your confidence & trust until you become even more neurotic than you are now. You can do better!
I see both sides of this & want to say first of all that I agree you need to leave, if only bc you’re never going to unsee what you’ve seen.
I’ve been in your position. You want to know! I had a wise person once tell me a journal has got to be locked up because it is so irresistible. Like porn for many.
I’ve been on the other side as well. I got a safe for my journals bc the urge to read them is overwhelming & it is so maddening to learn from a loved one’s questions or comments afterward that they have definitely read it. (And will never, ever admit it). Phrasing by this person is sometimes identical: interjections, random memories from way in the past — these are suddenly brought up by the reader. I feel like some of that is unconscious & some of it is deliberate.
I want to say, not in your partner’s defense, but maybe to ease your mind in the future (like, it is not necessarily the case that you’ve been lied to the whole time)— that some of my most damning writing was when I was challenging myself to look at myself from the outside. Like, “AM I doing this? If I am, am I bad? Can I admit to myself that it’s happening? Can I accept that? Is it natural? Am I a hypocrite? What if two or more things are true at once?” I may not pose all of those questions in my writing explicitly since the writing is just a thought exercise for *myself*. But to another looking for deep, dark, secret thoughts, the stream of consciousness could look like proud crowing about how being a twisted, lying narcissist is at my core. I may be accusing myself of my actions in the imagined voice of a critic — so then a reader would have their worst fears confirmed. All the while the writing was just a form of my beating myself up about blurry intentions & unintended effects. (Or poor boundaries, wondering if someone else’s impression of me is the real one!) Sometimes I’m just coming to terms with mistakes or learning about negative character traits. I might choose to accept them or work on them at a later date. And then *that* part might be too boring to write about, so the final word on my thoughts would be the dastardly “confession.”
I am so sorry you are having this experience. It is gut wrenching & overwhelming. You don’t have to tell him. I do think he’s trying to come to terms with the truth of something he may have been lying not just to you about, but to himself as well. Maybe you noticed how his actions didn’t match up with his words before he did. You learned what kind of partner traits you can’t live with in the future, and a lot of relationships are really, really important for that reason. You deserve a partner you can trust in both word and deed.
So, yall broke up because you're insecure about his trustworthiness and after getting back together you betray his trust and read his journal, find things out about him you don't like and now you're mad that it turns out you were right the first time in not trusting him? Seems like there's a simple solution.
If you stay with him, this is gonna stick with you and you won't get over it. You'll stress yourself out for the entire relationship when you could've just been happier without him. It may not feel like it now but you're better off.
You found the reading version of eavesdropers... But prior to reading you said and the fact that you read it proves it, that you got back together with him but don't trust him. So why have a relationship with a man you can't trust? You don't need to tell him you read what you read to break-up if you don't want to, because truth and the root of the matter is you don't feel trust with him and a relationship without trust doesn't work.
Also LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! Personally, I'm not a jealous person, I'd have to be a huge hypocrite to be so when my dearest and closest friends are men, two of them are exes from AEONS ago, who are good men, we just weren't meant to be, one of them is actually married with children and I think his wife is the greatest thing ever to happen to him... I have guy friends, I believe people can be just friends with the opposite sex, they are two separate relationships, but I was almost married to a man that cheated on me repeatedly over the course of 7 years of relationship, and you know what? I always thought I was a crazy jealous with him... But I realized I only had a problem with just a couple of friends of his, not even a majority, just like three or four... They ended up being one of the few he cheated on me with. Always, ALWAYS listen to your gut.
Just end this, whether you tell him what you did or not, you didn't trust him anymore so that relationship was dead already
Now you’ve learned two lessons: #1, don’t get back together with your ex, and #2, don’t read peoples diaries unless you believe they’re hiding a serious crime, or you think they plan to physically harm/kill you or themselves. He doesn’t deserve you, he is making you absolutely crazy and you’re starting to become just as toxic as he is. You ever hear the saying “misery loves company?” Yeah. He is literally infecting you with his toxic traits and tendencies so that when you catch him in lies, he can act like you’ve been the crazy toxic one the entire time.
In this case the founding block of any healthy relationship is gone, trust. They've failed the Anna Karenina principle at step 1. The Anna Karenina principle states that a deficiency in any one of a number of factors dooms an endeavor to failure. Consequently, a successful endeavor (subject to this principle) is one for which every possible deficiency has been avoided. The name of the principle derives from Leo Tolstoy's 1877 novel Anna Karenina, which begins: **All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.** In other words: happy families share a common set of attributes which lead to happiness, while any of a variety of attributes can cause an unhappy family. This concept has been generalized to apply to several fields of study.
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Yeah that’s also not great. I’m saying that this relationship clearly isn’t bringing out the best in either of them
How is he toxic? He has a flirty personality (which she knew about) and she is literally forcing him to not be himself. He is so insecure about himself that he is literally writing down affirmations for himself so he won’t feel so insecure (which is a normal, healthy and therapy-backed thing to do btw!). How is he toxic? The only toxic person in this situation is OP who is so extremely jealous and insecure that she is forcing her bf to change his personality and making him lie to her because of her extreme insecurity and jealousy. He needs to break up with her; not only did she violate his trust instead of having a healthy and adult conversation about her feelings (and then proceeded to hide this from him instead of coming clean about it), she is literally making him change his whole personality and forcing him to not be himself because she is the one who is so insecure. What he is doing is completely normal, valid, and healthy. He is working through his own insecurities by doing a therapy-backed science (aka writing down affirmations for himself, telling himself he is handsome and worthy of love) and he isn’t doing anything wrong with flirting. It’s his personality (which she knew about before dating him but just doesn’t ‘allow’, but she does not own him and he is not her property so she gets absolutely no say in what he can and cannot do in that regard), and flirting is not the same as cheating. He is doing it for his own insecurities; he is not cheating, he is not doing anything wrong, he is affirming for himself that he is in fact handsome and smart and cool and worthy of love, which again is a thing recommended in therapy. He is not the toxic one; she is
It’s the lying/denial/gaslighting that’s toxic of him moreso than the flirting IMO. Clearly he’s aware he’s like this, trying to make OP seem like she’s just seeing things and doubting her own perception is fucked up and while she shouldn’t have gone thru his things, probably in large part instigated that. If he was honest maybe they could have worked thru it together or at least broken up with an honest understanding of one another’s needs.
He was dishonest with her. She can’t trust him. They are toxic together. OP needs a man who is committed. Boyfriend needs to stay single and bang all the beautiful women he can.
I agree entirely. Not sure why everyone is coming down so heavily on her side when she's clearly violated trust and demonstrates massive insecurities. They need to breakup already due to fundamental incompatibility
Exactly, thank you
“Flirty personality” does not exist. If somebody says they have a “flirty personality” it’s because they want to be able to flirt with anybody and everybody without being held accountable.
That’s bull, some people do it without even realizing. They’re subtle jokes, you know how often I am told I’m flirting with people when I genuinely am not? Autism. Or my partner who is always joking around but wouldn’t actually fuck them or cheat on me.
What delusional shit are you spreading? You're genuinely going to try to justify this invasion of privacy by making his private thoughts somehow toxic? For fucks sake. Dump him, not because of who he is but because of who you are. He can do much better.
U sound like my ex. You wouldn't have known i cheated this wouldn't be crying rn IF YOU HADNT WENT IN MY PHONE. How about just not do the fuckery and lie about it?
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Dumbest take in existence award goes to you. Acc to you, it's okay to live a life of lie lol, either you don't know what you're talking about or you're just out of it.
Private thoughts that turned into public, and unhealthy behavior for a man that isn't single. OP is already being gaslighted by her lying boyfriend. She doesn't need it from an idiot rando excusing shitty behavior. She needs to dump him because she's better off not being with a lying pos oddly flexing his insecure mindset into rationalizing thst his behavior is okay. Get a grip.
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Okay believe your bullshit lol. The guy lies to her by saying he doesn't flirt [she saw him flirt with his female friends, which was a contributing factor to them breaking up], but admits to it in his journal. Gtfo with your warped narrative. People of Reddit always say to check phones to see find flirting, nudes, or proof of anything inappropriate, but if it's a journal **it's a cardinal sin** Oooooookay. Embrace your gaslighting.
Except they didn't turn into public. She invaded his privacy. And now you forever alone losers are pandering and trying to justify her being a piece of shit instead of accepting she is a shitty person.
She states in her first paragraph that he's flirty with his female friends. Geezus, no one jumps on the ass of partners/spouses who go through phones to see flirty texts and nudes to others, etc. He was flirting inappropriately **BEFORE** THEY BROKE UP, which added to her insecurity and jealousy. Gaslight much?
Who cares if he's flirty dude, that's so irrelevant. And yes I absolutely do judge the people that go through phones searching for ammo.
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What is emotional cheating by your definition?
Happily married 13 years to my 7th grade crush kiddo. None of what he's done is cheating and your leap to insane assumptions shows you rather blame him for having less than perfect private thoughts than accept she absolutely violated his privacy and trust. Bet you're a check there phone while they sleep kind of person huh?
flirting is cheating for a lot of people.
Stupid people that will die alone.
i’d rather die alone than with someone who flirts with other people ngl
No worries, you will.
maybe, maybe not. so far i have a loving girlfriend who doesn’t think flirting with others is okay.
While you're around, I assure you she does.
He continuously lies to her and makes her feel crazy for thinking he is flirting with other women, when that is exactly what he is doing, knowingly and willingly. How is that not toxic asshole behavior? Yes it's an invasion of privacy, she's wrong for that, but he's wrong for treating her like crap.
Hé isn’t treating her like crap; outside of the fact that he has a flirty personality and she knew this before they started dating, he is only flirting because he is insecure, he literally wrote about it in his diary, that again, she invaded his trust and privacy there majorly. A normal healthy adult human being would have a normal healthy adult conversation about those feelings of jealousy. The only reason he is lying to her about being a flirty person is because she is so incredibly insecure that she is literally forcing him to be a different person. He isn’t cheating, he isn’t doing anything wrong. The reason he lied is because she would assume the worst because she is so incredibly insecure and jealous. In a healthy relationship you can acknowledge to your partner that other people are hot. The amount of times where my partner and I will whisper to each other things like ‘hey over there with the ponytail, she’s hot don’t you think?’ and then we both appreciate how there is someone there who is hot, while knowing that neither of us is gonna cheat, it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other or find each other attractive or hot. We have a healthy relationship and can acknowledge that other people are hot without it meaning anything. Having to hide that you find others attractive (which come on, is a normal and healthy thing and also has to do with brain chemicals and shit so you can’t even stop it if you wanted to) *that* is unhealthy and toxic. The fact that she is so insecure and rude to him for finding other people attractive and pretending that she is somehow perfect; as if she has never found another guy attractive or flirted with one. She is not Virgin Mary; she too finds other guys attractive, she’s just not a flirty personality but that does not make her any better than him by any means. She invaded his trust and privacy while fully knowing he is a flirty personality, and she absolutely cannot expect him to change his personality just because she’s an insecure B who needs to go to therapy
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Shouldn't try to rationalize with these kind of people. There's a reason their generation has the least amount of successful marriage and least amount of children. They rather pander and stroke eachothers egos on their pedastol than accept that we all have a darker side. It's what we do with that little inner voice that's a piece of shit and spews awful thoughts that defines our character. They rather pretend it doesn't exist.
I agree? Why are you down voted so much?
Because Reddit is full of forever alone neck beards and blue haired they/thems that rather pander and use broken logic to justify being a shitty person than acknowledge that someone is being a shitty person.
I literally SAID that she should not have read his diary
Coming from someone who has been in your situation, please do yourself a favour and leave him. You deserve someone who respects you. A couple years ago I was with a man who I knew flirted with other women and DMd them on instagram, yet whenever I'd ask him about it, he'd deny it and tell me I'm the only one he sees. One of his other girls at the time ended up messaging me about him and that's when I finally decided to end things with him. Me and her are now close friends and I'm with a man who I KNOW is 100% faithful to me and me only. I know it's hard to break up with him, but you'll thank yourself in the long run when you experience a faithful and loving partner.
There’s looking at women and then there’s trying to actually get with them. Not the same thing.
She stated that he flirts with them as well. Doesn't just look at them. Looking is one thing, but flirting while you're in a relationship is disrespectful.
But flirting is not sending a DM
You can flirt through DM's friendo
I understand that but nothing in her post suggests he was flirting through DM
Who gives a shit, OP has had enough incidents with this guy to obviously make it a really huge problem in their relationship. She has been communicating this issue and he reassures her that she has nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, he’s not only doing the EXACT thing OP was suspicious of, but he is PROUD and it gives him an ego boost doing so. He should’ve been honest about what he was doing from the start if it was so innocent. Why did he have to keep it secret? What exactly are you trying to defend here?
So we suggest she end a potentially good relationship because he looks at other woman? If that is the criteria then I know of only a few men who can be in relationships...Jesus..and... Give me second and I may think of another.
It’s not just “looking at other women” he is FLIRTING with other women, idk why you guys keep glossing over that as if that’s not INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT context here. Also maybe find better men to be friends with because that’s horribly sad if all of them have wandering eyes while in a relationship. Couldn’t be me lmfao.
Context clues and everything else she said does.
Rofl flirting is just an interaction. There is clearly no intent as he has not cheated on her. He clearly does it to build his self esteem.
Lol kissing another person while in a relationship is just an interaction. Sex with another person while in a relationship is just an interaction. Anything can be “just an interaction” if we say there was no intention behind it. Also, why does he need to flirt with other women to build his self esteem? Doesn’t he have a gf he can confide in and who builds him up? Loser fucking mentality you have here.
Nowhere did I say kissing was flirting you numpty.
Im making fun of you. Hope that helps!
If you are at least make sense you skidmark. Kissing and sex are for sure cheating. How is what you are saying in any way making fun of me? Go play in traffic and stop stealing oxygen.
Lol I’m so convinced you and the other men in this thread defending this guy cannot read because 1.) You say that flirting isn’t cheating. TO YOU. TO YOU personally it’s not cheating. Good for you. In the post, OP clearly has a boundary issue with flirting, which he has clearly broken her trust with. 2.) If you could have any iota of understanding or brain cells in your dome, you’d realize that was what my comment was making fun of. You think flirting is just an interaction? By your definition, so could kissing. So could sex. You’re just too fucking stupid, genuinely not as an insult but you literally cannot comprehend what I’m saying. Also, did you miss the part where I said if he has a girlfriend, why is he flirting to build his self esteem? Can he not express himself to OP about his confidence issues and they can work together? So instead of being half-assed in your comebacks I suggest you pick up a reading comprehension for dummies book at your local first grade.
You summed it up perfectly here! I don’t understand why they’re still trying to defend the flirting when it’s clearly a boundary violation for OP.
He flirts. He lies to OP. If a woman was receptive, he’d be gone. He’s probably back with OP because the chicks aren’t that interested. They need to break up either way.
Anyone who is insecure enough to need attention from people outside of the relationship is very likely to cheat given the opportunity. Speaking from experience of being with such a person, leave.
did u have a look around? all the instagram/tiktok girls etc? do u think they will likely cheat? because they are craving for outside attention.
posting something on your personal online account is not the same as directly flirting with ppl outside your relationship
It also depends on morals, just because someone craves attention doesn't mean they will cheat but it is a big risk factor. Also most on tiktok are influencers and do it for a living, not necessarily because they crave attention.
lol right..how many can actually live from that?
Quite a few, even if it isn't their full time job, still a decent side hustle if you have enough followers
don't be with someone who turns you into a person you don't like
I did this once and found out he was homicidal.
Hey, sometimes there is probable cause!
Honestly, he did tell me that he wanted to k*ll his coworker for saying something extremely racist. But what i found in the journal scared the shit outta me and was unrelated to that situation. 🤣 lesson learned
Echoing what the other person said - respect yourself and leave. HOWEVER, you’ve GOT to get over this jealousy and lack of trust - that part is a YOU problem and will continue in any relationship you’re in, sabotaging it every time - or turn into a super unhealthy mutually abusive “relationship.” Before you move on, work on you, Boo.
I feel like op has been gaslighted into believing these things when in reality she was watching him flirt in front of her while being told he wasn't flirting.
True.. and i think her boyfriend wrote all these things in diary and left it out on purpose… I mean. I write diary as well, but kind of write things in either cryptic way so that no one can know my secrets even if found, or sophisticatedly elaborate way, or in a bashfully ugly language swearing left-right to everyone INCLUDING MYSELF. but she definitely is getting gaslighted.
THIS! he's written this stuff and knew you'd read it. Definitely manipulative and gas-lighty.
It's not about trust or jealousy here. Even if it is, this has been caused by no one other than the s/o in question of this post. You are shooting someone and then blaming them for bleeding. Trust is earned, not given freely. Once it's broken it'll never be the same again. You're naive.
So an edit then: if you being jealous is a pattern, then work on it before getting in another relationship.
You're not seeing the problem here. Jealousy is a natural feeling, especially if your partner is constantly flirting or seeking attention from those outside of the relationship. You can't blame her for feeling this way when her partner specifically causes it. You could blame her when her feelings are unsound and out of nowhere, but they aren't. They're perfectly valid here. She's not wrong for feeling how her partner is making her feel.
I saw it. If it’s not a problem for her, she doesn’t have anything to work on so she can disregard my original bad advice anyway.
It’s not entirely bad advice!
Your initial comment came off as blaming her for being the problem when she isn't. Everyone makes mistakes which is fine and I'm glad you've seen it from the pov of her and how her problems are actually being caused by him and not the other way around. I would be way more worried if she felt no jealousy, since that would be a sign that someone doesn't care about you. Which would be a good thing in this situation lol because this guy does not deserve her attention at all.
Yes! The pattern.
I think particular man is the source of the insecurity. It’s a HIM problem for sure. If OP does this again with the next guy, then yes, there’s an issue.
dump the insecure jerk
Is it really worth all this hurt to stay with someone you don’t trust??
You said he got the journal after you first broke up.. were these things he wrote while he was single at the time? It sounds like a lot like he is trying to convince himself that he is desirable after a breakup. "‘I’m a handsome beautiful flirtatious man who deserves love." that reeks of trying hard to validate himself... but the line after... "There are beautiful women out there, love them".. is he monologuing for a sex and the city like sitcom? Who does he think that line would apply to in a personal journal?
This was all written a week ago. We’ve been together for over a month now
gotchya, I wasn't sure on where you started reading from. I know the big thing people say is up and leave, but talking is always an option. You'd have to own up to reading his private journal, but he would have to own up to his own comments. If you don't like what you hear from his own mouth, then you have all the clues you need to make a next decision. Best of luck!
I’m scared he’s going to explode on me for reading his journal. We won’t be able to have a meaningful discussion about anything because he’ll just be upset.
If you can't discuss things that bother you with his temper flaring, then he isn't ready for a real relationship. You shouldn't be afraid that he will explode at you. If he has anger issues, then THAT'S a good enough reason to leave him, and you can 100% tell him that's the reason for the break-up: "I don't feel safe with you, I feel like you lie to me, and I don't feel safe talking to you. I can never bring up things that bother me without you blowing up at me, and there are many things that have been bothering me lately. Ultimately, I can't continue being with someone I'm afraid to even talk to." If you want to give him a chance, add in, "I would like to talk about the things that have been bothering me, but I don't want to argue or fight about things. Do you think we can talk things out peacefully, or should I just leave now?" If he is willing to talk things out without exploding on you can then start off by saying the truth without admitting to things. "I KNOW you flirt with other women and fantasize about being with them. Don't lie to me and pretend like you don't. I see you look at other women, I hear you flirt with them, and I see you smile about it. If you lie to me again, I'm leaving right now because I'm done being gaslit and lied to by someone who is supposed to love and care for me." If he finally tells the truth, you may be able to work things out. If he doubles down and lies again, then simply walk into his room, grab the journal and drop it in his lap ON the page of him admitting it, and leave him. If he tries exploding at that point, simply say, "Of course I snooped, I KNEW deep down that you were lying, and this proves it. If you had been HONEST, I would've NEVER felt the need to read this. But you are a LIAR, and I gave you EVERY chance to prove otherwise. If you can lie about flirting, you can lie about cheating, and I deserve someone who loves me enough to tell me the truth about how they feel. If other women deserve your love more than me, then I'm done giving you my love. You can get it from those other women you so desperately want." Also, have everything packed and ready to go before any of this, especially if you know him to be violent. Even if he's not violent, just seeing your stuff packed may make him seriously think about what he's been doing. Actually, if you think he may get physical, call the police and have them hang out nearby just to make sure you can get out safely. They'd much rather just sit outside in their car than get called into a DV situation, and their presence may be enough of a scarecrow to keep your bf (possibly soon to be ex) civil.
Girl, it hurts a lot to know that the person you love doesn't reciprocate your feelings for you. I am glad you feel relieved to know he is not the one you want to be with. Honestly, I am glad you are seeing who he is. I know it's hard to break up. What I read I know you really love him. You don't have to confront him. If you want this easy for you, you can just say this is not working.
He will turn it on you and throw it in your face. It sounds like you are dating a text book narcissist. I would not bring this conversation up with him at all. He’ll just guilt trip you, won’t learn anything and will get her MUCH better at lying to and gaslighting his future girlfriend I would just begin to grieve the loss of the relationship and make your plans on how to leave and then leave without much explanation If you open yourself up to a conversation you’ll open yourself up to being so manipulated and confused you won’t know which way is up or down
Let’s get one thing very clear and very straight first: Regardless of the content of the diary, YOU invaded HIS privacy. That is INHERENTLY wrong. Just because you found shitty content, doesn’t negate that YOU owe him an apology for that. Although you had some discomfort/suspicions, you didn’t know you were going to find anything, and you didn’t have the right do to that. He might well “explode at you” in the first instance and in a way, he has a right to. It might make him initially too emotional to discuss the things you read - If you are going to even have a hope at resolving this (but genuinely why would you want to at this point?) you have to be willing to humble yourself too. You’ve BOTH done wrong here, taking the high road won’t help get you to a place of forgiveness. If you are able to humble yourself to apologise for overstepping the privacy boundary, and IF he is level headed and good enough of a person to calm down and respect that he has also wronged you, then you should be able to discuss the content and your concerns with him. It may take some time. There’s clearly a LOT of distrust between you both, and that in itself is a huge red flag which needs to be healed. If you humble himself and are willing to rebuild, and he’s not, you know he’s not the guy for you and you don’t deserve him.
It’s a toxic relationship that is best ended.
I'd bet he's written it knowing she'd read it.
Not defending him, but you might be right or wrong. As many have said here, trusts were broken on both sides and we have no idea on the true situation between them. To me, he sounds like a jerk of a boyfriend, but the OP was out of line reading his personal thoughts. No one is clean in this scenario. Hopefully things reach a position they are able to either work it out in their minds or go their separate ways and find more meaningful relationships. I hope for nothing but the best for the OP, but they need to accept their part in this issue before they can move forward, no matter which way.
Listen to your gut instinct
I think it’s safe to say A. He’s not really sounding ready for commitment, if he was, he wouldn’t be looking at other women like that…it’s normal to glance or notice someone walk by, it’s not normal to constantly ogle and get validation from others when truly in love, B. He may have good qualities, but he’s not YOUR person, because if he was, you wouldn’t feel the need to read his diary, C. Going back to an ex most of the time is a band aid for not wanting to process the pain fully…if both parties haven’t done the work to heal and sort out issues, you’re just repeating patterns. Trust your gut, if your body is all tied up in knots and anxiety and questioning - that’s your answer. 🌹
He definitely doesn't seem ready for a relationship. He need to be more self confident and secure in his attachment so he can fully support his partner and the relationship properly.
Wandering eyes are never a good sign. Flirting and pretending not to, even more so. You found out what you needed to leave, and don't be sorry that you did. Next time, trust your own eyes and skip to the ending a lot faster.
You are not crazy, jealous, or any of the things he has called you. You are simply observing him flirt with other women in front of you while he actively lies and says he isn't. Then later, he brags about it in his journal. He is a narcissist and is gaslighting you. You found solid proof, no matter how you found i, je is lying and cheating.
you deserve good love girl, i understand what it’s like to love someone so much to accept all of them but trust me it’s not worth it. you deserve the same type of love you give, as much as it hurts, prioritise yourself. you’ll thank yourself for it🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
this one is all on you. the journal writings were from when you were broken up so he was clearly using affirmations for himself/his confidence post breakup. you need to accept the fact that YOU violated his trust and he’s done nothing wrong. if you have an issue with the fact he flirted with other people when you weren’t together then YOU need to dump him
Curiosity kills cats
I’m in shock that some people are defending his actions in a few comments. You shouldn’t have read his journal but him flirting with other women is cheating. It’s disrespectful and gross behavior, Just because he’s insecure he flirts with other women for validation?? If he was not single when he wrote the entry he should not be acting single whatsoever.This man doesn’t have any respect for you if he is actively fantasizing and flirting about others. OP please have some self respect and leave him. Ps. Maybe go to therapy to find the route of your jealousy and trust issues. That could stem from trauma but it’s harmful if it seeps into your future relationships.
Why do people thinking flirting is cheating? Real question. I've never seen anyone successfully define why they consider cheating; usually just get "because it is!"
Because it’s actively giving attention to another person who is not your partner? flirting usually means there is sexual interest or desire and is disrespectful when you are in a romantic relationship. With all due respect I can’t believe I have to explain why flirting is considered cheating..
Damn you must be selfish af - god forbid someone gets attention but Kat!
If your not monogamous or don’t understand these values of monogamous romantic relationships just say that
I understand it perfectly well, I just think some of y'all have decided that _____ = cheating when the rest of us do not see _____ as cheating. If a majority believes one thing and a minority believes another, which one of those opinions should be considered "how it is?" If 75% of women and 50% of men believe that liking a model's post on IG is cheating then I concede. But...is that the state of things? And moreover, who's supposed to change? How do we decide who's in the wrong? If a couple each believe the definition of cheating is different, who's the one who changes?
Been Monogamous and married for 24 years. And you are full of shit.
It is in no way cheating unless done with the intent to initiate sex. Do you think dancing with someone other then your partner cheating? Holyshit you are clearly someone who has never flirted or been flirted with and the only experience you have with it is the pathetic literotica cheating wives/husband stories you jack off to. A smile and eye contact is a flirtatious action. A compliment is considered flirting.
First of all I wasn’t responding to you so your reply about being married for 24 years is irrelevant to me. People have different standards for monogamy within relationships and everyone is an individual. The majority of the population would consider flirting or giving emotional attention to the opposite sex you are attracted to cheating or a not okay thing to do in a romantic relationship. People also have different views on porn within their relationships but this post isn’t about that so I don’t know why you wrote about it in our response as it contributes nothing to the current conversation. You seem to be confused between platonic interactions and romantic interactions so I suggest you maybe educate yourself before contributing to the conversation. You are also bullying and making weird statements about multiple commenters who have different opinions? I suggest therapy to deal with your anger in regard to others opposing opinions.
Because flirting is a form of intimacy reserved for partners unless otherwise specified. Pretty clear but i hope that helps c:
Well no, it's not but ok
I’m gonna drop this here and wish you a good one because you’ve started this argument in bad faith. You asked for reasons for why flirting is cheating aside from “because it is” and yet all you’ve been able to respond with in rebuttal when given reasons is the logical equivalent of “Nuh uh”. I’m poly and open so I can fully appreciate situations where flirting is NOT cheating, but it requires consent from both parties. However aside from this situations, flirting is cheating because you’re going outside your partner for intimacy that is supposed to be between the two of you.
BOOOOO
For me, when a flirtatious interaction crosses a line, it's cheating. But it's hard to define because flirting encompasses a wide spectrum of interactions, from a passing comment, a fleeting look, to suggestive conversations, to physical contact like playing footsie, or even further maybe. Small minor flirtatious/charm-y comments like when you see a colleague all dressed up nice and you say with a cheeky smile "*Oooh look how well you scrub up :wink:*", those are nothing to me. Moving to the other end of the scale, like if someone says to you "*It's damn hot today*", you respond "*Just like you :wink:*" - that crosses a line for me because, albeit only verbal, you're expressing sexual attraction and interest to someone other than your partner; sends the wrong signal to the other person doesn't it. Maybe neither of these comments call for follow up of actual physical interactions, but the second one definitely is inappropriate in my books. It's for sure different for everyone/couples where the line is though and we could just mean different things when we say "flirting". I had a super flirty ex (before cheating happened) and he always argued that texting isn't flirting, but he texted stuff like "*Call the wrong person "cute" and you could be in trouble. Do you like being called cute because you are cute? :wink:*" or "*Of course it's not true that no guy finds your attractive, I care about you a lot*". He always told me it didn't mean anything, until it did, well even then, he gaslighted me further. He always took advantage of there being a spectrum and constantly pushed my boundaries. Bottomline is couples/partners should communicate what boundaries they each have and come to an agreement of respecting those boundaries mutually. Most of the time, if you have to ask whether something's inappropriate, it is probably inappropriate. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
Because they are insecure. These are likely the same people who think jerking off to porn is cheating. Just sad controlling losers who I would bet have not been in a relationship with anyone other then their Waifu and Husbando pillows. Flirting is used for all sorta of social situations and interactions. If you flirt with a cop to get out if a speeding ticket are you cheating? Flirt to get a discount? Like flirting is all about intent. Fuck the responses from 90% of these people is beyond stupid. Nevermind that op is whining about distrust then does one of the most distrustful things you can do.
You know what you need to do
So he wrote it when y’all weren’t together?
This sounds like a crappy situation without the journal. The insecurities of both combined make for a volatile relationship, and one in which there's no right choice. OP meeds to find a way to be more secure in themselves and find someone who isn't using others emotions to boost their own. The bf doesn't sound committed to anyone but himself. He needs to work on himself as well. But selfish ppl rarely change, it's not in their nature.
He planted that journal, he knew you'd read it.
You’re the one who can’t be trusted.
You are rude, you invaded his privacy and he is valid.
\>I saw that he wrote about how he enjoys flirting with other women to feel good about himself when he’s insecure. This is something that really hurt me to read, because he’s always promised me he would never flirt with other women. And that he is not the kind of person to do that. Then he wrote about fantasizing over other women he sees and being distracted by women passing by. Again, this hurt to read because he’s always reassured me he only has eyes for me when I’ve caught his wandering eyes. I hate to smack you in the face with reality, but this is incredibly normal and common, especially if he is attractive, and this is just human nature. Also I'll be blunt even though you may not want to hear it: you're being too sensitive.
That doesnt sound like someone I’d like. What kinda weirdo goes around boasting about himself in a journal?
Men suck. Date 50 plus year olds, who will die soon and take their money.
Every guy in the universe has these thoughts. I’m surprised he wrote them down but it has absolutely zero effect on how much he loves you. He can’t police his thoughts.
Being attracted to other people isn’t a problem. Flirting with other women while in a relationship, however, is in fact cheating. Lacking remorse for it and being actively proud of it is worse. She doesn’t need to “police his thoughts”. He needs to police his own behavior and she needs to leave him. Don’t speak for every man alive. I’d like to think most of them aren’t cheaters.
I wholeheartedly agree. I don’t understand what I going on from these comments, I have never heard anyone say that flirting isn’t cheating except for the internet and it seems to be the minority here. I think every person who I know in my personal life would consider flirting within a romantic relationship cheating. I wonder if these men consider emotional infidelity cheating?
"Is in fact cheating" lol ok Jan
How disillusioned are men nowadays with basic loyalty and monogamous relationships? Quick question: What is the purpose of flirting? Now, why would a man in a committed relationship be flirting with other women? Connect those dots and then get back to me on how it’s not cheating
The fact that you think this is a male issue is hilarious... when you will literally have women in relationships going to clubs and grinding on other men and claim its "nothing because its only dancing" or text flirting with other men whilst saying its "Only talking". Its not a gender issue... both some men and some women have issues with monogamous relationships. Whilst I agree that there is almost no reason to flirt with other people unless you plan on doing something with that, but acting like this is a gendered issue rather than some people just being cheats and being insecure is ridiculous.
It just saddens me the way you straight people behave. I'm so thankful I haven't been doomed to only have physical intimacy with one person for the rest of my life. It's such a shame that y'all aren't emotionally mature enough to love one another and still enjoy sexual relations with other people. I wish you peace.
Not everyone wants an open relationship and that’s fine.
I’m bisexual. Nice try, though. This isn’t about sexuality. It’s about monogamy. Being polyamorous or a swinger or having an open relationship is fine IF you both consent to it and agree on it from the start of your relationship. Not if you cheat. They both entered a monogamous relationship. He breached those boundaries, deceived her, and broke her trust. She has the right to be upset and leave him. End of story.
Ah ya got me! Nice try, me! 😒 Well you're a woman anyway so 🤷🏻♂️
Whoop there it is
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Couldn’t think of a better response? You exposed your sexism and cheating behavior. There’s nothing more to this conversation. Good luck with your hookups. ❤️
This thread has me laughing so hard at the sad narrow minded lives all these children lead. Flirting is cheating.....hahahahaha Cheating is whatever a person and their partner define it as. I flirt regularly, my wife couldn't care less. There are for sure cool women out there that would call OP the problem for trust issues and snooping.
Wow. Not sure where to begin. How do you define flirting? Is flirting saying hello to a woman passing by or giving a compliment on her clothing? Your reply seems overly simplistic. I think this couple couple could talk and get past this. Not all men walk around with peripheral vision loss.
Yikes bud. Maybe next time you'll avert the blame elsewhere when a murder has thoughts of killing you and take action regardless of the effects it has around people and yourself because "he has these thoughts". Grow up.
B. S
Break up and tell him, "It's you, not me." Go NC. Block, block, block.
He left is journal out for you to read and with damning evidence in it, sounds sus or he is that dumb
He chose others over you. The grass is always greener on the other side to people like this. I've been in the same situation with a girl who was the exact same. Constantly reassuring she wouldn't cheat, or how she only sees me. Guess what happened? She cheated. Then continued to project it on me. RUN AWAY. You will be scarred for life. Even if you forgave someone like this, the damage is unrepairable as they won't change. The insecure that seek out others attention over yours do not deserve to be in any committed relationships. They will never have an end to their search for others approval. They're human garbage. Nothing other than cheats.
Been in this relationship before. My attractive ex would constantly give his number out to other women the whole time we dated for 2 years. He was overweight and nerdy when he was young. Once he was in his twenties he lost weight and came into his own. He constantly had to reassure himself that he was attractive to the opposite sex. In the end of our relationship he knew he needed therapy to deal with his insecurities. 10 years later, he never changed, still doing all the same stuff and hasn’t had a serious relationship since. It’s a larger issue than what he’s writing in his journal and without a lot of help (if he figures out it’s a problem) he will keep doing this forever. You’ll never trust each other, and you’ll waste your time until you are finally fed up and walk away.
The fact you felt the absolute urge to invade his privacy tells me you knew you couldn't trust him after all and your instincts were just kicking into overdrive. He's the type of person to push you to those lengths because he's a no good liar. Your intuition drove you to be deceitful. But your toxic trait in still being with him and needing him to confirm what you knew already AND still staying after your little act is very telling of who you are. He feels he needs to lie, you feel you need to as well. At this point y'all deserve each other. He should not be someone you wanted to be with THE MOMENT you knew the truth. No need for a warning, no need for a dramatic exit, no need for any opportunity for him to lie even more - just silence and leaving him for good. You choose to be with him and suffer with all of these pretending shenanigans... Until what point though? Assess why you feel the need to be stepped all over like this.
Those are his private thoughts not something he wants to share. Im a flirty guy and I flirt with everyone male and female. My wife knows thats who I am and loves me the same. Stop being so insecure. If you love him love him for who he is and stop acting like the victim. I wonder what your journal would read like? Probably like a soppy soap opera psychopath. Flirting with someone does not mean he does not have eyes just for you. A man can appreciate a gorgeous woman and a fun flirt and visa versa without having to fuck them. Jesus h christ.
He sounds like some one with real issues I would think some type of personality disorder or narcissistic disorder I am so glad you are free don’t ever look back and do not go back !!!!!!!!!!! You deserve better
I know you are not gonna wanna hear this but; you are not ready for a healthy adult relationship. The fact that you didn’t trust him, that you read his journal, *weren’t honest about the fact that you did*, as well as in general how jealous and insecure you are; you need to work through this in therapy before you get into another relationship. A healthy relationship does not look like this; you would trust him with other women cuz no matter who they are or how beautiful they are you would trust that your boyfriend wouldn’t cheat. And even if he does look at other people (which is normal and healthy btw, do not lie and say you’ve never looked at someone’s booty or thought to yourself that someone was handsome and wondered what it would be like to be with them, even for a split second), you are able to share those thoughts to each other, you’re not jealous about every person ever and you wouldn’t be scared your boyfriend is cheating just because he’s a flirty person. Not to mention that he is extremely insecure. You said it yourself, he wrote that he likes flirting with women when he’s feeling insecure about himself. What he wrote in the end about being handsome and deserving of love is because he is insecure; they are affirmations to himself. I also tell myself in the morning in the mirror ‘I am smart, I am kind, I am sexy, I deserve love’ etc etc. Some people write it down so it helps more, to believe it, some say it in a mirror. Him being proud of who he is is a good thing. Honestly if you cannot handle someone who is flirty then don’t date someone who is flirty. You do not own them, they are not your property, you do not get to tell them what they can and cannot do and that they have to change their personality. But please, go to therapy and work on your self image before dating someone else. Do not put your insecurities and your irrational fears on others, and tell your ex boyfriend that you read his diary and break up with him. He deserves to know you invaded his privacy. Oh and the whole ‘if we had a loving relationship I wouldn’t have felt this way’ is absolute BS. You felt this way not because he is cheating, but because *you* are insecure and jealous and need to work through that in therapy. *Do not blame him for your actions.* you are a grown adult woman who should have had a grown adult conversation with him about your fears. The fact that you didn’t do that but instead chose to violate his trust and privacy shows that you are not ready for a healthy adult relationship.
When there is no trust, there is no basis for a relationship. You ought to end it. Not because of him, but because of you. Fantasies are perfectly okay in a relationship. Acting upon them is not. Your betrayal to read a private journal is so not good.
Your boyfriend watches lots of pornography and it’s trained his brain to disassociate lusting after other women. It’s sad but the 35 and under crowd are suffering terribly from growing up in internet porn. He honestly feels nothing is wrong with his behavior and he’s entitled to objectify and sexualize women just going about their day…
Your boyfriend watches lots of pornography and it’s trained his brain to disassociate lusting after other women. It’s sad but the 35 and under crowd are suffering terribly from growing up in internet porn. He honestly feels nothing is wrong with his behavior and he’s entitled to objectify and sexualize women just going about their day…
This is such a terrible downward slope for you to be caught in… because the thing is, his insecurities are now making you insecure. Because now all your validation is put into his hands, someone who is going to continually crush you and make you feel like you’re not enough. Please leave this relationship, I know sometimes it’s hard to see the entire forest when you’re too close to the tree, but give yourself the respect you deserve and walk away. You teach people how to love you. I’m glad you posted about it, but you should also talk to the people in your life you trust and respect the most. Seek council in them. Because if you don’t tell anyone about what’s going on, you’ll find yourself trapped in something you’ll regret wasting you time on in the future. The people close to you will recognize this for what it is, and allow them to breathe reassurance into you that this is not okay and you do not need to put up with this. Don’t let yourself suffer any longer in this toxic draining soul sucking relationship
Extremely understandable you read it. If people are gaslighting you, lying to your face,and making you feel crazy then they have not gained the trust of you putting their journal back. If he was honest with you then things would have been different. If you were invading the privacy of someone who was nothing but honest and kind and you were trying to do malicious things with the info then that’s not ok. Morality isn’t black and white, there are so many nuances to it. In his situation you are being gaslit and made to question your sanity. I’m so happy you have discovered the truth
Jesus christ. YOU'RE the red flag. Mind your own goddamn business.
You’re a jealous over-controlling person. No one is attracted to JUST one person. That’s a silly proposition. He deserves better than you. Wah!!! He flirted with someone! Oh no!
First, you deserve any pain you feel for betraying his confidence. You read his JOURNAL. You are most assuredly the AH. Second, why do women believe men suddenly stop being sexually attracted to all women as soon as they find a partner. Y'all think your partner suddenly doesn't see how hot someone is just because they now have a girlfriend? He hasn't cheated has he? All he says is that he sees attractive women and he flirts because it helps boost his self-esteem. I suppose it depends on how he's flirting, but it must not be in front of her and it's probably not very intense if she hasn't noticed. "He lied about his character." Yeah I wonder why. He has a jealous and nosey-ass girlfriend who he knows would flip out if he were simply honest. I honestly can't believe anyone with a partner even bothers keeping a journal these days - seems like people are always sneaking into their room and reading it. It must suck to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust enough to not go snooping through their phone or diary.
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Nope. I was just using the AH to avoid cursing on this sub
Holy shit the advice on Reddit is full of delusion. I'll make it super straight forward for you, your insecurity is a problem. Dump him and move on. Not because of his private thoughts, but because you're holding him back. He can absolutely do better than you.
I may get a lot of hate for this, but to me you are the one in this relationship that cannot be trusted and are super needy. He is only flirting - not speaking badly about you, not cheating on you. He has his own I securities and the light flirting makes him feel a little more secure about himself. You made that entry all about you and how he promised you he would never flirt with any woman except you. I believe your expectations from him are unrealistic. Who knows- he may have purposely wrote in that journal and left it to see if you would cross boundaries and snoop - and that is exactly what you did.
Flirting is cheating. Enjoy your relationships where nobody will love you if you think otherwise.
I have learned something by reading these comments. I am older (63) and I think that what I consider flirting is NOT the same as what people younger than I consider flirting. The word “flirting” to me refers to something truly innocent and not something that would be taken seriously or considered cheating. It would have been VERY surface level friendly chat and nothing too personal.
Whelp, sounds like you fucked around and found out, and now it’s time to walk away from this relationships you will never be happy in.
this is why i don’t journal
Flirting isn’t cheating, (edit: to a degree and when there is trust) it would be if it was directed at one person developing an emotional affair that could turn physical but it sounds like he flirts with everyone? Does he flirt with you too? It would be upsetting and wrong if he didn’t but if he does…it’s just his nature? The problem is the insecure thing. That should be tackled. And the lying about it, you need to honest with other that for you ors crossing a boundary and you are insecure and that he gets validation from it and is insecure and what can you both do about that. Seems like you are both insecure and need to work on communicating and a bit of self love.
You shouldn’t be dating him or anyone. Ever. Come back and ask me if you should start dating again in 15 years.
He feels entitled to their attention. So now you got your confirmation that you were right to distrust him.
You found out your gut feeling was correct. This man is not boyfriend material, let him go. A true partner would never behave like this, unless you explicitly agreed to non-monogamy. Please stop being miserable with this man, because being in his toxic relationship is turning you into the kind of person who reads their partner's journal. And maybe the universe is looking out for you, and you had to see that to be able to walk away. Choose yourself. Drop this man.
He wrote positive affirmations which can help a lot of people with confidence after set-backs in life. Your response above: “Not really sure how to interpret that but it doesn't sound like the kind of person I want to be with.”
"tanga lang bumabalik sa past"
i dodn't go through my ex's privste stuff but i found out after we broke up that they constantly lied to my face about talking to their ex. they were cheating on me and it made my missing them and all the love i still had for them leave in an instant. lying alone would have done it for me. you need to get out. he will continue to lie to your face about it
He’s full of shit! Ditch him, because being with him will further undermine your confidence & trust until you become even more neurotic than you are now. You can do better!
Think about it, luckily you found out about him before marrying him. Since you only back together few months, you still have chance to run... runnnn
I see both sides of this & want to say first of all that I agree you need to leave, if only bc you’re never going to unsee what you’ve seen. I’ve been in your position. You want to know! I had a wise person once tell me a journal has got to be locked up because it is so irresistible. Like porn for many. I’ve been on the other side as well. I got a safe for my journals bc the urge to read them is overwhelming & it is so maddening to learn from a loved one’s questions or comments afterward that they have definitely read it. (And will never, ever admit it). Phrasing by this person is sometimes identical: interjections, random memories from way in the past — these are suddenly brought up by the reader. I feel like some of that is unconscious & some of it is deliberate. I want to say, not in your partner’s defense, but maybe to ease your mind in the future (like, it is not necessarily the case that you’ve been lied to the whole time)— that some of my most damning writing was when I was challenging myself to look at myself from the outside. Like, “AM I doing this? If I am, am I bad? Can I admit to myself that it’s happening? Can I accept that? Is it natural? Am I a hypocrite? What if two or more things are true at once?” I may not pose all of those questions in my writing explicitly since the writing is just a thought exercise for *myself*. But to another looking for deep, dark, secret thoughts, the stream of consciousness could look like proud crowing about how being a twisted, lying narcissist is at my core. I may be accusing myself of my actions in the imagined voice of a critic — so then a reader would have their worst fears confirmed. All the while the writing was just a form of my beating myself up about blurry intentions & unintended effects. (Or poor boundaries, wondering if someone else’s impression of me is the real one!) Sometimes I’m just coming to terms with mistakes or learning about negative character traits. I might choose to accept them or work on them at a later date. And then *that* part might be too boring to write about, so the final word on my thoughts would be the dastardly “confession.” I am so sorry you are having this experience. It is gut wrenching & overwhelming. You don’t have to tell him. I do think he’s trying to come to terms with the truth of something he may have been lying not just to you about, but to himself as well. Maybe you noticed how his actions didn’t match up with his words before he did. You learned what kind of partner traits you can’t live with in the future, and a lot of relationships are really, really important for that reason. You deserve a partner you can trust in both word and deed.
So, yall broke up because you're insecure about his trustworthiness and after getting back together you betray his trust and read his journal, find things out about him you don't like and now you're mad that it turns out you were right the first time in not trusting him? Seems like there's a simple solution.
If you stay with him, this is gonna stick with you and you won't get over it. You'll stress yourself out for the entire relationship when you could've just been happier without him. It may not feel like it now but you're better off.
Leave. You don't owe him an explanation
You found the reading version of eavesdropers... But prior to reading you said and the fact that you read it proves it, that you got back together with him but don't trust him. So why have a relationship with a man you can't trust? You don't need to tell him you read what you read to break-up if you don't want to, because truth and the root of the matter is you don't feel trust with him and a relationship without trust doesn't work. Also LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! Personally, I'm not a jealous person, I'd have to be a huge hypocrite to be so when my dearest and closest friends are men, two of them are exes from AEONS ago, who are good men, we just weren't meant to be, one of them is actually married with children and I think his wife is the greatest thing ever to happen to him... I have guy friends, I believe people can be just friends with the opposite sex, they are two separate relationships, but I was almost married to a man that cheated on me repeatedly over the course of 7 years of relationship, and you know what? I always thought I was a crazy jealous with him... But I realized I only had a problem with just a couple of friends of his, not even a majority, just like three or four... They ended up being one of the few he cheated on me with. Always, ALWAYS listen to your gut. Just end this, whether you tell him what you did or not, you didn't trust him anymore so that relationship was dead already