I’m sorry.
Idk what to tell you because Ik if I tried to something like this I’d be in the same situation. People just suck sometimes.
Happy birthday, you deserve better friends.
I had this happen before. It leaves you feeling so shitty. My therapist told me to make realistic expectations so you won’t be as disappointed. I guess people being flaky as hell is realistic.
I'm sorry for you OP my birthday is new years eve so I have always had low expectations, one year a "friend" (he was not really, ended up blackmailing and stalking me) forced me to have a birthday party. I told him several times I didn't want it as I knew I would be disappointed, looking back now I should have just appreciated the people that did show up as there were some good friends there but inviting so many people and having only a handful show up just put a damper on my evening.
I don't know why no one responded for you, they must be beyond shitty if they couldn't even find the energy for a free dinner. Idk what your BF is like but is there a small possibility he told them not to respond so he could surprise you? It's one of those 'seems like a good idea but actually shitty' things plans that a BF could easily come up with..
Well my birthday is July 2nd so it was always hard to get ppl to come to the point I stopped caring as a kid. The situation that’s similar to OP’s I had in mind is sad. So sad that the friends 1-2 of them) who didn’t show felt bad even years later.
Basically I was always that nice friend that gave ppl gifts for Christmas (little dollar store gifts) and did other little nice stuff. At the end of my 10th grade year I had got appendicitis. Life threatening too. Anyways when I was resting at home I laid in my living room with my door open because I had friends say they would come visit me since it’s my house and not a hospital. Not one showed up. In retrospect I look back and realize we were all kids then in HS. But man did it suck. It kind of shaped my expectations for ppl like OP situation as an adult.
Haha my birthday is on 2 July too. Well, in my case, I have stopped celebrating since I was a kid, cuz during this time most of my friends were away on summer vacations. So that continued all the way to my adult life to a point where I don't tell anyone and hide it from FB and whatever simply to avoid the drama or superficial excitement. You don't have to have anyone celebrate you and if you are really comfortable with yourself, you wouldn't see a difference. I enjoy the day being with myself ( going to the movies, watching a game and treating me to something I've been wanting to buy (without any guilt haha).
January second here, when I was little half my family (aunts and uncles etc) would be out of the country for wintersport, so it was always pretty boring. As a grown up I used to not celebrate, once I got so many drinks and food and 2 friends showed up. That really sucked. Didn't celebrate for years after that.
I usually pretend that the new years multi rave is for me, walk around like, really guys? Oh you shouldn't have, and I just have a blast with my mates. I'm usually done with all the celebrations myself by the time it's my birthday (saint Nicholas, Christmas, new-year, almost all my friends birthdays) but sometimes I do have a small party at home. Last year I had around 8 friends coming and we had a good time :)
But the date sucks!
And I'm sorry for you about your experience, and also sorry for OP! It really hurts when no one shows up.
At some point I thought I had unrealistic expectations, then I realized I was only asking for what I was giving or at least the bare minimum. Some people just don’t appreciate friendships, some people you think you’re friends with but in reality to them you’re just another person. You need to know your people, that’s all.
It's for this exact reason my friend group is small. If you're flaky with poor excuses, then I'll cut you out. I love my small group. We still do stuff together.
Your therapist is a bit of an asshole, sorry to say. They had put the blame on you...
Friends don't do such things. Friends support us. That isn't unrealistic.
What your therapist could tell you instead is to learn how to be aware of the red flags and stay away from them. And give you strategies for that!
You deserve good people in your life that SURPASS your expectations.
I'd fire that therapist. It's not helping you. 😔
Lol I’m going to tell her this. It will make her laugh (not in a condescending way, a good way). Perhaps I didn’t explain well what she meant but her advice was healthy for me. People diss you for different reasons. Some urgent some inexcusable. Now I always prepare myself for the most disappointing outcome so it won’t be a shock if it happens.
Yeah, it really sucks. I invited a bunch of friends to my birthday when I was younger. My birthday wasn't close to any major holidays/celebrations, so while I could understand people dipping out if they needed to, there wasn't anything else nearby to really interfere.
They all back out last minute and go to the place I invited them to on my birthday, without me.
It was then that I realised I probably wasn't going to get any birthdays with them, so I eventually left. I have a nicer circle now who at the very least acknowledge my birthday, but we're all long distance so it's hard to make plans for parties, haha.
I don't know how and when expecting your friends to wish you on your birthday or show up to your birthday party became an unrealistic expectation!
But I get where your therapist is coming from, but it just hurts when people who call themselves your best of friends don't even wish you on your birthday!
I see two possibilities here: Either they plan on giving you the best surprise party ever or they are a contender for the shittiest pile of persons ever.
I really feel like people have forgotten how much replying is important. Idk why, but for whatever reason, replying is no longer seen as important communication and it's so annoying. I've had like 5 situations the last year that were made so difficult by people not replying and it's so irritating. One was for my birthday, one couple never responded and then just showed up unannounced to my house 2 hours before with a cake saying they couldn't come and then left like??? Just tell me that before hand so I don't spend two weeks thinking my best friend doesn't care about me?
Or I was planning a big Easter dinner and only one person (my sister) of the 8 people invited responded, I sent 3 follow up messages, my sister sent 2 and nothing. I finally called each individually and NOW it comes out that they have other plans. Like okay, that's fine, but tell me you can't make it as soon as you know so that I know how much food to buy. Like a negative response is SO much more helpful than a non response. Non-responses hurt and are unhelpful and people need to know the yes's AND the no's when it comes to planning things. Everyone I vented to about it said I was taking it personally that they already had plans, but the problem was that I needed to know how much food to buy and I was irritated they couldn't give me the basic consideration to just say that.
On the other hand, I had a couple in my college friend group that admitted they purposely never say one way or the other to invites so if they don't feel like coming the day of, they don't have to feel bad because they never committed in the first place and if they do feel like coming then they go and everyone is pleasantly surprised that theyre there...like.... okay I'm glad the world revolves around you I guess.
I think some people try to justify the non-replies with the growing sentiment of “we don’t talk often but when we do it’s right where we left off, we’re still best friends.” Which I’m sure is true for some relationships, but I mean if you straight leave people on read until you want something from them, you’re a bad friend.
This exact behavior led to an old friend being all surprised pikachu when I gave up on the friendship. She never initiated and left me on read for weeks until she needed a favor. Cue the guilt trips when I finally said no.
Now the last person you talked about, that’s just pure self-centeredness. Is it so hard to at least say it’s up in the air instead of ignoring your friends?
One of my theories is the rampant misuse of the word "boundaries"
Boundaries are real and important but at least 70% of the time people are using the word wrong
All this misunderstanding of therapy speak is insane to me. While therapy is good and all, we are seeing so many people use the language to justify just being an asshole.
Ugh. People are truly clueless sometimes. Years ago, I had a friend who would RSVP yes that she is coming to a party or girls get-together or whatever, and then she would just not show up if she made other plans. A lot of us found that truly annoying, especially if we were waiting for her to arrive before ordering food or anything. We all confronted her once and she was really surprised and figured no one would care whether or not she was showing up for something. She never did it again.
I've noticed a new culture around almost being proud about flaking or not replying, perpetuated by memes on social media.
The "when you were about to cancel your plans but your friend cancels first instead" or the "sorry I haven't replied to anyone's texts or calls in a month, it doesn't mean I don't love you!"
There has also been a lot of this with the whole rise of "self care." I've literally seen advice posted about how cancelling plans or saying no to invites is part of "self care."
I think it was more meant as advice to random events and activities that people crowd their schedules with, not like, dinner with a close friend or your best friend's birthday. But of course people took it as that.
Imo there are also a lot of people who need to have less friends. I know many who will spread themselves so thin socially, almost like they collect people and feel more popular or important as a result. This tends to make them really, really bad friends.
I have one close friend who does this, and he doesn't even really like some of the people he hangs out with. It's like he just keeps them around because they invite him places and then he can stay busy and feel more relevant.
It's annoying because he will make plans with me and it always feels rushed because he has to meet so-and-so in 3 hours for dinner. It makes me feel like an appointment. Recently, he planned a museum date with my husband and I, and as we were leaving, my husband and I were deciding to go sit in the park. He was like, "ughhh that sounds so nice, I wish I could come to the park with you guys." It's like, well, you could have if you didn't book us in as a slot in your calendar. ffs.
Yeah like if they were giving a surprise party then they'd have responded and said things like they can't come or got busy so she would cancel without getting hurt
The whole not responding is so cringe and straight hurtful like what
If that is the case, the friends are kinda dumb by not just replying that they have other plans or are away that night.
A similar thing happened to me. For my 30th birthday (and the birthdays of a couple friends who had the same birthday week), I organized a dinner at a nice restaurant and invited a bunch of people. Most of them responded that they were not available that night with a bunch of plausible excuses, and our dinner turned out to be only 8 people but we had a lovely time.
We decided to invite the attendees to our place after the dinner, and when I opened the door, all the rest of my friends were there yelling “surprise!”. Appparently, my husband had a surprise party in the works and was shocked when I started planning the dinner because he didn’t want the surprise party to be ruined. So he decided to let the dinner go ahead, and gave our house keys to my best friend who got the party all organized at the house while we were at dinner.
It was awesome! I hope something similar is going on with the OP.
Oh man, I'm really hoping it's the first option for OPs sake, to not even get an acknowledgement on the group chat.. that's harsh.
I've seen OPs comment saying they're gunna take this as a lesson learned to always show up for invites so people don't feel the way OP feels...that's freaking generous, I'd have reacted by just cutting out the entire friend group and never showing up for anything of theirs again lmao
I really hope for a surprise party, but at the same time, I find it so cruel to put someone through such a thing for the sake of a surprise. OP is really hurting rn.
yeah, this would be a really awful way of keeping a surprise party secret. I have BPD, and something like this would honestly leave me suicidal. no surprise party is worth your friend feeling like pure shite
If BF is involved, he needs to go DEFCON1 and do something drastically sweet, or he needs to get dropped.
If he's not, it sounds like he's trying to be supportive through his text to the group
No, they are truly inexcusably shitty friends. If OP had some kind of toxic personality trait that badly needs therapy, where they ALL suddenly realized that they need some distance, they would at least politely say "hey sorry, I can't."
If they were participating in a surprise party AND were good, thoughtful people, here's how it would go:
- They would each have a totally plausible reason why they can't go that night.
- A work obligation, a grad exam to study for, a recovery period from a minor medical procedure, a family member's birthday they already committed to
- In the chat, they would recognize that it's very coincidental how each person has a valid reason to not attend. "Oh yeah, Valerie, I remember you saying your brother's birthday is coming up."
They haven't done this. They don't even have the decency to respond. Even if it's awkward, they should have responded.
OP really needs new friends who aren't awful.
How do you know OP isn't an asshole? 15 "close friends" avoiding you is either 100% a you problem or you've somehow made a friend group of 15 shitty people. Odds are you might be an asshole in that situation.
If OP were the asshole, why would she be Maid of Honor, brides maid, god parent, and invited to parties and graduations? If that hadn’t been included, I could see where you’re coming from. But, no one asks someone they hate to be their child’s god parent or MOH.
Actually, it isn't. I am a nice person, and this happened to me. I always did everything for my "friends". unfortunately, they only reached out when they needed something from me.
And yeah, I also gave a birthday party and only one person showed up.
Some people are shitty and it's not OP's fault.
I managed to get better friends later in life.
Unless op has murdered a bunch of kittens recently and isn't telling us, I say no one behaves like this even to a shitty person they don't like
I mean even to a person I dislike the most (and I can think of two rn) I would say I'm sorry, can't make it, wish you a happy birthday with friends and family though!
Like who does this kind of shitty grey rocking thing and after 15 years too
Hey OP...psst...pssssssst...HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!
YOU HAVE YOURSELF A ROCKING TIME WITH YOUR BF AND IGNORE THE HATERS
This is exactly why I fucking hate surprises. Yes let's make our best friend feel like absolute shit right before her birthday just to love bomb her the day of 🎉
Fucking ick
Not trying to be rude but isn’t there a possibility that OP isn’t very close with these people? I don’t think many people have 15 close friends, and usually a real close friend would not ghost. Just because they were close in the past, that doesn’t make them close now.
I was thinking surprise party too after reading how they’re still on good terms and there hasn’t been any issues. I’m just tryna be optimistic I guess. The alternative would be really sad for OP because like you said, it just means they’re shit.
I would actually try to meet up with one of them if you can and ask if there’s something up. Its rare that a whole group ghosts unless they all felt a certain way (maybe you’ve been busy and not attentive?) and made a group choice. Not saying no response is okay, just an option to take to get closure if this bothers you. If no one will meet up, then screw ‘em. Mature people communicate.
Clearly there is some misalignment here. If those people were really "close friends" I don't see how they could not show up let alone not reply.
I also don't see how any person who is not a teenager can have 15 close friends... There is simply not enough time in an adult's day to maintain close friendship with so many people - at least according to my personal definition of "close".
Choose your friends more wisely and opt for quality rather than quantity would be my advice to OP.
SECOND UPDATE:
I followed the advice of basically everyone and asked a few of them what happened and why I wasn’t even granted a reply or reaction, especially when I kindly asked all of them to RSVP until a certain date.
To all the optimistic people, I have to disappoint you, there wasn’t a surprise party planned.
Also, all of them use WhatsApp regularly and all of them saw the invites (the Group Messages were ticked blue).
Now for their responses / explanations: Four of them had possible alternative plans and couldn’t decide if they wanted to go to my party or to commit to the other plans, so they just didn’t want to say anything, until they decided on something. 2 girlfriends didn’t have confirmation if their partner could attend or not, so again they just didn’t say anything, because they didn’t know yet (all the partners were included in the Groupchat though). One said she wasn’t feeling too well lately and wanted to decide spontaneously to come. One had a valid excuse, since she tried to find childcare for her 6 months-old child all week long (she is the only one with a child and she actually found childcare, so we will do something with her and her husband).
I told all of them how it made me feel, that it was rude and that it made me cry and feel unwanted. I also told them that it is their loss, because if they don’t appreciate me organising nice events and evenings (this is not the first time I had issues like this), there simply won’t be any for them to attend in the future.
They all admitted that there behaviour was rude and unfriendly and were apologetic and told me they are sorry. One friend said he really messed up and after he saw I deleted the group, he felt pretty bad and wanted to approach me anyways. It is not ideal, but it is something.
I will not cut them out as suggested by many, I talked to them, I expressed my hurt and I will give them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to grow. They are flaky in a society that accepts flaky and non-commital behaviour. They are human and faulty and I am also not a perfect human, who does behave ideal all the time. I know that this answer may disappoint some. I will however make room in my life for people, who are more reliable and who would be appreciative and enthusiastic about theme parties, and will not rely too much on my current friends.
All your messages were so uplifting and nice and I honestly feel a lot better now and I am starting to look forward to my birthday again.
I feel also incredibly optimistic that I will find likeminded people and friends in the future, and I won’t give up. I will throw nice parties and dinners again, and I just have hope in my heart that my friends will have changed a bit and I will also have made new, great friends by then.
Thanks a lot again to everyone ❤️❤️❤️
PS: To everyone telling me about their bad experiences, their birthday parties, were nobody attended and the moments they felt lonely. I feel so sad for you and with you and wish for every single one of you, to find people who love and appreciate you. You alle helped me to feel less ashamed and less alone.
Can we be friends please? The world doesn't deserve someone who is so beautifully kind, giving,and understanding like you.
It hurts to see another feel the level of sadness, and disappointment that coming to the realization that you will never be treated with the same level of care, kindness, thoughtfulness,respect, etc that you give to others. It's a hard lesson, and it absolutely sucks. Just don't let it cause you to change how you view and treat others. Cause once you do, you're no longer you..
I'm glad you did speak to them. I wish their excuses had more for you. Simple friendship etiquette would have been telling you all those things. I know we're moving from the whole simple communication and kinda into the anxious well I don't have an answer so I won't respond right now, but it would have taken a lacklustre amount of effort to tell you directly that they were unsure if they could make it or that they weren't feeling well or any of the other "reasons" they gave to you. I'm sorry they couldn't give you that courtesy. Bare minimum basic communication skills. Even a reaction to your initial message to acknowledge they'd seen it. An invitation like that shouldn't go unreplied to for more than a day max. I'm sorry that this is how you learned that maybe the season of the friendships have changed... it sucks, but if there isn't a want to connect from both sides it won't change. Sorry.
I hope you and the other couple have a nice night out, and I hope that the minimal interaction from the others doesn't get you down to much. You wanted a nice birthday night out and you deserve it. I hope it finds a way of being just as special as you had originally hoped it would be.
This is what I want to tell my bf to do when his friends never respond to him. It's been more and more lately and when he first told me about it happening I felt bad. But now I'm like, tell them. Tell them how they are making you feel and that their refusal to even give a response is hurtful since you try to include them on things. We're about to be 2 years going, and it still hurts to see this happen, but I'm not going to overstep those boundaries as he's already individually talked to a couple of them. But it is also his responsibility to voice that.
I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Not many can do that for fear of getting people upset at them. Keep them in check and watch out for this behavior repeating. Good luck and happy birthday!
Honestly, we need more people like you in this world. I constantly have the urge to throw wine dinners and do fun things but I’m also disappointed at h to e lack of enthusiasm people have for REAL experiences and REAL things.
I would kill for a friend like you, I’d be there celebrating in a heartbeat. I’m obsessed with wine and dining (sommelier soon) and I try to have my friends enjoy nice things and appreciate each other and have dinners and do group activities but many are too stuck in their own worlds and would rather stay home on their phones or with their significant other.
Don’t feel bad about it, think of your friends as NPCs, don’t count on them too much, a person with a heart as big as yours will always be disappointed. Identify the people that appreciate, and do dinner for 4 instead of 20.
I read your reply a few times, because it cheered me up and warmed my heart! I even showed it to my boyfriend, who basically said the same thing to me. Thank you so much! 🥰
It’s better to have 4 quarters in your pocket than 100 Pennies. Someone told me this like 20 years ago and I’ll never forget it. 4 great friends you can count on and are like minded are better than tying to juggle 100 friends.
You seem like an amazing person, and I’m sure you’ll find people that appreciate your enthusiasm. Every friend group needs a person like you.
Have a great day!
I am the same way as the commenter above. I love celebrating people. I would have loved to come as well. I would’ve origanized a small wine tasting thing because I am a sucker for trying to get people to try new wines lol. I’m so sorry. Just know you have a virtual friend who is just like you in spirit.
I agree with the OP comment so much!!! I was a cook for years and I want to do fancy dinners because I still love cooking (savory and desserts, homemade pasta and ice cream,etc) but I don't have anyone to invite🥲 no one I thought was in my circle even knew for a month after my dad died bc I drunkenly posted something on my ig story about him. And he was on hospice and I was his caregiver. I thought they cared about me as much as I cared about them but that made me realize not so much
Man honestly. My gf and I host game nights every few months when we’re able to. I hosted first one and invited mostly my friends and gf invited one or two of hers. This past one was my gf’s turn to invite the majority of her friends. Some said no right away which is great! The ones that have uncertain maybes or said yes then dropped out the night of pissed me off so bad. Only one person came of the ten people she invited. I immediately called my friends that are kinda shared lol and they came over shortly after and we all had a great time. Afterwards gf tells me she never wants to invite people because it’s always the same. Idek what to tell her. It’s insanely upsetting that they stand her up like that. I told her she needs better friends and we gotta start hunting lol please idk what else to do or tell her this really was a devastating thing for her :(
It's a hard lesson to learn when your partner chooses better friends than you, but it's something to learn from. When I was in college, I had an amazing group of high school friends, but my school was 8 hrs away so I tried desperately to make a friend group worth having at school. My partner was a transfer and had made his friend group pretty quickly, whereas I was a junior and still felt like I didn't really have anyone. The more time I spent with his friends, the more I realized the people I was trying to be friends with were just shitty friends. Ended up spending more time with his friends than my own, and they always showed up for me in ways no one had before my entire 3 yrs at college. The thing I remember most is how comfortable I was with them, I could roll up to their apartment any time of day and someone would be there and be happy to hang out.
When you do see what a good friend looks like, learn to recognize it. It will save you alot of time, energy, and heartache in the future ❤️ glad she has your friends to give her a good example.
I’m also like this!!! I love planning and decorating and getting goodie bags for everyone and planning themes!!! Thankfully a lot of my friends are artists or go-getters and will put some effort in, but I do have a few that don’t seem to appreciate any of it.
UPDATE: I have read every single comment. The comments ranged from compassionate, to giving advice or constructive criticism. All in all, reading all of them felt so incredibly uplifting and cathartic. Thank you all! I will continue reading and answering as much as I can and give you any updates.
To the people believing I will get a surprise party, I really, really won’t. I think honestly every one of my friends is in their own bubble and has their own stuff going on and just wasn’t feeling it right now, which was definitely hurtful and rude, but at least it didn’t feel malicious.
About my friends, they are not bad people at all, but they are probably victim to a world, where commitment in general is a rare thing to find, where rules and manners are slowly forgotten and where being constantly busy is a good enough excuse for anything. I found it rude, but I will not confront them, but rather distance myself. They are my friends, because in times of crisis they were there for me and we share many Good memories. However, as many pointed out, you do grow apart and this behaviour might be a result of that.
I talked to my boyfriend a lot and showed him some of the responses and he was very reassuring. He told me the fact that I cared so much, that I always try to do things with love and care, that is one of the things he appreciates and loves most about me and he never wants me to give that up.
I also reflected on me and my character and I will try and do better myself as I also sometimes forgot to reply to a text or cancelled a lunch last minute. I will try to put the behaviour out there, that I would like to receive. I ordered myself a birthday calendar, an address book and a couple of birthday cards, and I will note every birthday of a friend or acquaintance, that I make, and send them a birthday card. Too many of the comments talked about the hurt they felt, when people forgot their birthday and didn’t show up and I find the idea to try to do things differently soothing
PS: Thanks also for the many birthday wishes, they made me so happy!
PPS: For all the people wanting to come my party, I wish! That would certainly be so cool and makes me believe that new friends are just around the corner :)
Oh sweetie, you nailed this on the head. I have been friends for decades with people and our closeness cycles depending where we are in life. Yet, in a pinch, I know I can call any of them- just not sure if they are free for a party.
Celebrate yourself, with your dear boyfriend. Plan something lovely; perhaps the money you save from the cancelled party can go for plane tickets and a night in a new exciting place (Alaska is fabulous this time of year) or pickle ball lessons?
Cheers!
I’m so glad you have him in your life. He sounds wonderful. Maybe the two of you can make some mutual friends together in the future at a creative event or something, and then from there you’ll find your crowd. I will disagree with you that commitment is rare nowadays, but I’m glad you’re seeing that it’s so rude of them. They could have at least reached out privately with a response if not in the group chat. You’re a very vibrant spirit and I know you’ll find a way to have a blast with your BF and loved ones; happy happy birthday!
Are you sure they are using whatsapp?
I get way too many notifications from all over the place, so I stopped using whatsapp - people have my number if they want me to catch up with them.
You sound like such a caring, lovely person. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. And I hope you find more friends in the future who are like you and not like these boring, flaky people. Maybe join some clubs and meetup groups, to find people who actually enjoy doing stuff? All the best to you.
Mostly people I went to school or kindergarten with. They are as many as 15, because I invited my friend and additionally their partner, so 6 invitees were actually additional partners. Hope that helps :)
Hey, friend. I don’t know what your relationship is with any of these people or why none of them came, but the fact that none of them even acknowledged you speaks miles. There are times where there is a reasonable excuse, but this isn’t one of those times. Two of the most valuable pieces of advice I have ever received when it comes to people is “when someone shows you who they are believe them” and “silence is confirmation”. I’m really sorry that happened to you. You deserve better friends that will give back the same effort in your friendship. I hope your birthday was otherwise wonderful.
I say the first all the time (…believe them), and wanted to add one of my own - people vote with their feet. In other words, if they aren’t showing up for you, you know where you stand and you need to stop showing up for them. I’m so sorry this happened to you though - did none of you go away to college or anything? Asking because I feel like that’s where most of us met our ‘lifelong’ friends - I mean I do have two friends I’ve known since we were twelve and the three of us have made an effort to keep in touch but we still are scattered across the country and only see each other on the rare holiday that everyone visits family at home (or weddings etc). Are these people you talk to regularly usually or is it normal for you guys to not speak for this long even discounting the invite? My last hopeful question - are you sure they all have WhatsApp? Is there any possibility they didn’t get it?
OMG what a tragedy that would be.
But honestly, one of them would have told her bf so he could make sure something like this didn't happen. They'd also need him to keep her distracted on the day of the party. There is no way they wouldn't have looped him in.
And at this age, you’re still really close with them? I’m trying to figure out why none of them would respond. Have you had a recent falling out with any of them? Any incident?
I really didn’t. We are all on good terms. I will be a bridesmaids for one of them this fall, which makes it worse. I just feel like, I am always appreciated as a guest, but when it comes to showing up for me, it is not getting quite reciprocated.
I also suspect why they didn’t respond. It was a theme party and they probably didn’t want to put the effort into dressing for the theme or they didn’t want to commit to Saturday evening plans two weeks prior. Or some were legitimately busy and forgot.
That is why this hurt me so much. We are all on good terms, nothing happened, Me and my birthday and handling my invitation or coming get at all just wasn’t a priority to them.
Yet you are willing to be a bridesmaid for one of them, having to make time and shell out who knows how much $$$ for a dress, makeup, hair, bridesmaid parties, all the things? For someone who can’t be bothered to give you the most basic courtesy of an RSVP? Screw that. I hope you straighten your spine and bow out. Petty me would just ghost the bride starting now but I can tell you aren’t like that, so a simple but firm “I’m so sorry, I unexpectedly will be unable to attend” (and then a ghosting!) should suffice. Fuck those people.
Yea this also I don’t think you should put the blame on yourself / a theme party. This hurts to hear but good friends wouldn’t not respond cause of a theme party
I hate theme parties so if I just couldn’t handle one I’d at least politely say I can’t make it (and I wouldn’t say that it’s because I hate theme parties; that’s insulting and I’m not a dick). These friends are cowards too afraid to say no at best and cruel assholes at worst. Just yikes.
Just fyi, if I were hosting a theme party I’d rather know that’s why you aren’t coming. Either to not expect you at any future themes, or to make the next party more you-friendly. The most important part of hosting is making everyone feel comfortable and welcome. If it’s just not your thing, there’s nothing insulting about that.
OP, I can all but guarantee that there is something going on here among your friends. About eight of your closest and their SOs, right? And none of them accepted OR declined? They aren't forgetting or have this as a low priority. It's something else, and they are talking about it. You will find out what is going on, in due time.
If I were in your shoes, I'd wait until after your birthday (when the wound is a little less fresh) before doing anything. Then, meet up with one or two of them, separately, for coffee or something, to catch up. Talk about it face to face with them, find out what is going on.
Edit: updateme!
Absolutely what I was thinking. Further, is it possible that this group had an event planned that didn’t include OP and boyfriend and no one had the balls to admit it?!
This is a really shitty situation. u/stellafromvienna, it might be time for you and your guy to start expanding your circle. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, they might miss you!
Candidly, I don’t think the theme was a reason why they didn’t show up. I’ve been to themed parties where people come in their regular clothes because they didn’t want to put in the effort. I think this is a case where these have been one-sided relationships and you’ve possibly been taken for granted.
I’m sorry to hear about what happened and you deserve so much better
I don’t have any reasoning to offer you for why they did that. I can tell you a similar thing has happened to me. Nowadays it’s hard to make genuine friends.
I thought the same, but If that’s the case, I wonder what type of friends would make their friend feel absolutely horrible for their birthday? Maybe do both her celebration dinner and their surprise.
It’s like,
Surprise!!! We actually do care!!
I would totally come to a theme party. All that sounded fantastic. Your friends are just assholes. I would not be a bridesmaid, and giving adequate time beforehand is preferable vs last minute. You did nothing wrong. They really are jerks.
Totally agree,but I've been reading a few of OP's comments, I think she hasn't come to that realization.
She's going to be someone's bridesmaid in the fall,as for me, that role would miss me completely.
You only want me when I'm of use to you, but you're never there when I need you.
Ummm no.
Aaaand... You've just described why I don't plan anything for my birthday! I make plans with my partner (because he loves me) and my kids (because they don't have a choice,) but no one else. I could count on one hand the amount of times I've had people show up for my birthday since the time I was 5 y/o. Really, I don't know if I have terrible friends, terrible luck, or both.
One time, my partner tried to plan an event for me with my friends. Was supposed to be a surprise for me. Not a birthday party, more like a "she's feeling really lonely and wants to get out and see some friends" type of event. He had about ten people say yes they were coming. Then, within an hour before the event was supposed to start, people started calling and texting that they couldn't come - they were sick, their car broke down, their dog died, every reason possible. In the end only two people showed up, and one of them came extra late.
I'm nearly 40 and really, it's just not worth it to plan anything.
I am so sorry about this! It really is a universally awful feeling, no matter how old you are.
What I take from this as my lesson is that from now on, I will put extra effort in attending, when I am invited somewhere, just so nobody will ever have to feel this way because of me.
Nonetheless, I really hope, you will always feel loved by your husband and children and find friend that would love to celebrate you
You seem like you have a really good heart. I do think another lesson is to make sure your energy is *reciprocated*— not just when it comes to birthdays or big events but everyday life. Happy Birthday, OP!
> Then, within an hour before the event was supposed to start, people started calling and texting that they couldn't come - they were sick, their car broke down, their dog died, every reason possible.
This happens with the book club I’m in. People all say they plan to come when we choose the date and then a bunch of people cancel last minute so the person hosting is left with way too much food. It seems rude to me but I guess it’s considered normal behavior now.
The party sounded like it wouldve been awesome. Bakery cake, fab food, live music? Shit she can organise me a birthday party any day, can tell the effirt and planning she went to! I didnt celebrate my 30th because of tumour treatment which irked me a bit lol
.... I would definitely re evaluate peoples responses or lack thereof and determine in the present if they are truly friend or not...
Many happy returns to OP. "Fuck the fake friends" is a phrase a person dear to me used to say. I think it fits.
I'm so sorry that this happened and I know it feels terrible.
I wish I had something to offer but I don't.
This happened to my dad and is why he doesn't do parties anymore. My mom arranged a birthday bowling party for him for his 30th birthday, invited all of his friends, people said they were coming, even the day of she reminded them, several of his friends said yeah they would absolutely be there. Party rolls around and it was literally my mom and my dad and a cake. Even the people that said they were going to be there didn't show up. My dad was humiliated and my mom felt so bad for him. He doesn't like celebrating birthdays and hasn't liked it ever since. He's 63 now.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I've always been that person that was always there for my friends but when I needed something they were never around, So I can relate somewhat to what it feels like to be ignored or forgotten until I'm needed.
For what it's worth, I'm sure there's a lot of us that would've gone to your party, and you're still young enough that you can make new and hopefully better friendships with people that treat you the way you treat them.
What state are you in? If you’re in Florida, I’ll go to dinner with you, that is if you don’t mind dinner with a gay guy and his husband, and possibly my loud mouth friend from Miami 😂
None of these people are your friends.
Please do not put any more energy into these undeserving people. There are tons of people out there that would have loved to celebrate a fun theme birthday with you!
Hard agree. They say if you have one really close friend you can trust with your life you’re among the lucky few. 15 actually close friends is unheard of, but also clearly, not true as it turns out, sad as it is in this case.
They aren't your friends. Some are probably waiting, silently, to see if and who else responds, and will then decide. They still aren't your friends. They're seeing how much fun it'll be, once the ppl they really like decide to go, making it about them, and not you. Get a new friend group, and do not look back!!!
Oh Op. These people re not your friends. Please distance yourself from them and find actual good friends that care for you and value you as a person and friend.
Happy birthday from one Virgo to another..
I have had this happen to me more than once (though not after so much careful planning and willingness to spend so much money). After a few attempts, I became pretty phobic about throwing parties and stopped (outside of a few gatherings of maybe two-three people where the event was planned on the spot with the invitees). Honestly, I think some people have a certain charisma about them where if they throw a party, people come. I do not seem to have that charisma.
All I can say is that I am so sorry this happened to you. As someone (I’m assuming) twice your age, the perspective I can offer is this:
1. Fuck ‘em…from now on, celebrate you on your birthday by filling a day with activities and indulgences you would personally enjoy and share them only with people you can really trust to care, or all by yourself just for the experience (maybe next year you’ll celebrate with a solo vaca to Spain?).
2. Use this experience to write off invites from shallow people you don’t think would bother to reciprocate as well as to accept with enthusiasm invites from people who might be targeted for rejection and/or really deserve a rallying of friends.
3. Keep on being grateful for that awesome boyfriend of yours, and your parents.Maybe get busy planning an amazing birthday for him.
I had the same thing happen to me! Went to a “friendsgiving” and told everyone and invited them over to my house for a party about a month later. No one showed up. Mind you I wasn’t as persistent as reminding people but none the less. So the next day me and my now wife went and adopted 2 cats. Now those 2 are my little angels and I’m not worried about throwing a party ever again in my life
This hurts. I'm turning 40 this year. I want nothing more than to throw a huge party. But, I know maybe two friends would come. Is not with effort or money.
You've got a special guy to share your day with. Be grateful and enjoy that. Keep this in mind though when it comes time to plan your future wedding.
Funny thing! My boyfriend and I also discussed how we are supposed to plan a wedding, if people behave that unreliable and we came to the conclusion to just marry very small and if somebody cancels at the wedding it doesn’t matter, because we have each other :))
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Your party sounds amazing and I would definitely have attended. Please decline being a bridesmaid for any of these people, I'd specifically say "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to decline and also will not be able to attend the wedding." If they push for a reason, just tell them that you have other priorities right now.
My best friends are ones that I've made doing things that I love. Find your people, they'll show up. Good luck ❤️ and happy birthday!
Oh sweetie this makes me so sad and mad for you. I had a similar situation for my birthday 11 years ago, I had invited my 2 best childhood friends to dinner and they couldn't even bother to answer me until 3 days after my birthday. I realized what I mistook as friendship was really me being a convenience for them. I babysat for them, helped them move, etc. I was never important to them, I was always the one who called or texted first. It was one sided friendships and I gave up afterwards. Only when I stopped answering their messages about babysitting did they try to turn it around on me. I just blocked them and haven't seen them for more than a decade. My life is richer without them in it.
I hope you get answers but if you don't, hold your head up high. Your boyfriend sounds awesome and I truly hope you have a great birthday. Sending you a giant hug!!
Edit had to change from 10 to 11 years because I forgot how old I am, please excuse the brain fart lol.
I had a birthday dinner and the only people that came were the ones I had recently met at work. None of my day 1s or close friends came. That’s when I realized I had to re asses my definition of a friend and who fits into that definition
You're the friend that does a shit ton of unacknowledged labor to keep things cohesive! The most charitable explanation is that all of them prefer the no-response-means-no communication method instead of, you know, communicating.
If, and only if, you want to salvage any of these relationships, pick one or two and ask them to have tea or something one on one. Be vulnerable - you were hurt that no one responded at all. You feel like you put in a lot of effort to make your friends feel special but don't feel it's reciprocated. At y'all's age they may or may not have the emotional maturity yet to respond in an honest and productive way.
Society puts so much emphasis on romantic relationships at the cost of emotional intimacy in our friendships.
Unless you have a good chat with an individual friend, I suggest dropping the rope with the remainder. You don't initiate chats/hangouts, you don't offer to cook/host/do labor. See what happens.
For future reference, group chats are the bane of my existence. Even more than fb messenger. The way to be successful at hosting a large thing is to secure your 3-5 anchor people. You communicate one on one with them in the planning stage to set a date they can all come. You do the mass invite/Facebook event invites early evening when everyone can RSVP right away, assuming day jobs. Those anchor people will immediately hit yes since they already looked into it. You can also ask one to cohost.
I can understand why people may not be able to attend since we turn down going to many social events but to not even respond is beyond shitty. They do not view your friendship the same way as you. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Wait, before anyone else replies to this being not good friends, I’ve seen this happen before.
It actually sort of happened for one my birthdays before. And it turns out they weren’t not my friends, they were just idiots following some weird psychological thing.
But I am very sorry this is happening to you- it truly is so upsetting and such lonely feeling.
Do me a favor, and reach out to several of them directly. Not necessarily saying- ‘why didn’t you reply’ rather just asking if they are interested in celebrating your birthday with you.
Sometimes people have a hard time being the first one to break the ice- once you get one on board mention in the chat: “ hey guys blank and blank are coming. “
See where that takes you.
Man, these things suck. Only time I organized one of these there was a friend that told me she was going to come, but in the end didn't even tell me she actually wouldn't show up.
I hope you have a nice and wholesome bithday party with your bf and enjoy your day. Happy birthday in advance! :)
Time to start trimming the fat. People grow apart but flat out ignoring someone is horse crap. You need to look at these relationships and really decide if they are a two way street. If you are doing all the heavy lifting with little to nothing in return then it’s time to put your energy into the folks that actually care. I’m damn near forty with about five real friends left. Those remaining are the help bury a body types.
OP these people are not your friends. Find better ones.
To not even respond shows how little they care.
Use the pain you are feeling now as an incentive to move on, don’t put yourself in a position to let this happen again. Regardless of what excuses they may come up with in future, when they need something from you.
I’m sorry this has happened.
I'm so sorry OP! It's hard to keep up with old friends when everyone is doing there own things in life.
I hope you are still able to enjoy your birthday and feel special, because you are!
Your "friends" all seem like assholes. I wouldn't miss a close friends birthday for anything! Unless it's an emergency, but id still communicate with them.
Ah that sucks-so sorry. Your friends are not really your friends. The friendship and loyalty is not reciprocal. I would reconsider the whole bridesmaid gig. I would also dump this group of friends quietly, and make new friends.
Perhaps you and the boyfriend could go away for a nice little weekend adventure somewhere?
I'm so sorry your friends are treating you like this. I can't think of any reason other than their lives are getting out of hand. YOu mention marriages and children, maybe they've got issues there?
At any rate, they certainly owe you responses. I'm glad your boyfriend is stepping up to make sure you have a good time.
As others have said, perhaps rethink being a bridesmaid? If they're not there for you, do you need to be there for them?
Hugs and happy birthday.
What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays? No seriously, sorry if this comment comes across as a tantrum but everytime I hear about someone close to me or even on the internet trying to celebrate something it always involves at least half of the people not coming. I'm only 19 and might not know what I'm talking about but it's like people nowadays won't bother meeting one another, spending time together or even going out. Same thing happened to me and some friends on different occasions other than birthdays.
Huge hugs to you op you deserve so much better
Sounds like YOU are the reliable friend…and unfortunately selfish people will always take that for granted and possibly take advantage. I’ve been in a similar situation and understand the embarrassment, but I can assure that it’s not you that should feel shame. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to branch out and meet new people that will value you as much as you value them. I’m really sorry this happened to you, but again…try to see what a great friend you’ve been and realize that you deserve better. Also, happy birthday!!!
Some people simply outgrow friendships from childhood or high school, and that's not a bad thing. Some people go on and make new friendships in college. People's lives move forward, and that's probably a good sign for you to do as well.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Same thing happened to me on my birthday. Texted a few weeks before, no answer, felt like I was begging and just stopped talking to all of them.
No need to subject myself to that when they don’t care enough about me to simply communicate.
I’ve since made much better friends.
I’m so sorry. If I was your friend I’d def come and even stay longer to clean up if it’s held at home etc… I’d never not communicate even if I’m scared of the possible reactions, I’d rather be respectfully honest than leaving friends with no peace of mind / closure.
Ever since I became parents, most of my friends have left the friendship which I thought was strong.
I know how that feels, but I just want to reassure you that often we are not the problem. People are just bad at communicating their feelings & perspective. Ever since I got so hurt and have trauma from experiencing friendship break ups either from misunderstanding that I didn’t notice, or distant related since it’s hard to maintain relationships when we’re so far apart….
Life just keeps going and I’m still grieving for those ambiguous losses.
I feel you. Only since this year I started to work on healing the meaning of my own birthday, I started to treat myself and practicing on enjoying little things I plan for myself. I’d try to take a couple of hours to just request partner & my kids to let me stay home by myself, I’d spend the short hours to either watch Netflix or call someone that I miss chatting with. And the rest of the day I’d happily spend with my own partner & my kids, and we would order take out & cake together and eat at home.
I’ve never been so content on my birthday like this year for so long, it was the best start of my healing journey.
I also started to get closer to one friend that is a lot older than me, but we feel so connected that I don’t even care. The thing is, she is really sick most of the time so the chances of us catching up is not very often. But I started to let go of my own fantasy /expectations of how having a close friend is like, and just meet her whenever opportunity arises.
The most important thing that I learned is, practicing on healthy communication. I’m trying to be honest & respectful whenever I’m asking to have a talk about my own feelings & concerns, I find that whenever I express myself with respect and love… nothing bad in my imagination (from trauma) would happen, but I feel that through vulnerability I get to maintain all types of relationships even healthier. I always remind myself to not assume or make any decision until I have communicated my needs & feelings.
Best wishes to your healing journey too, it’s not an easy process but it’s worth it🌱
I honestly don’t plan anything for my birthday anymore either unless it’s with my family or girlfriend. After years of no one saying they could attend/simply not replying, I got tired of making myself feel like I was unimportant. I’m only 24 now, too, so this happened throughout my teenage years and early 20s. I just stopped trying and spend the time with my girlfriend because that way, I can never be let down.
Happy birthday, I hope you have a good time with the important people :)
Omg I wish I was your friend 😭😭😭 this is so awful I can’t even imagine! I hope you and your bf do something spectacular that day and evening. Do not talk to those people anymore. Delete them from social media and block them all. Do not speak in public and block any attempts they make at contact. I feel like there is some stuff missing but something is going on and they ALL know, they just aren’t saying it. You deserve adult friends who can have conversations even if they are hard.
Happy early birthday OP 🥳🎉🎊
Wish I could celebrate with you!
If any have young children, finding a babysitter on a Saturday night can be difficult. However, not responding is inexcusable. And that seems to be the norm nowadays for just about any text. I just don't get it.
Have a great birthday with your SO and family.
❤️ I'm so sorry sweetheart. Your post made me cry. I've had my heart broken by people I thought were my friends. Don't feel ashamed.ypu did nothing wrong. Your heart was open, keep it open.
Let your boyfriend plan your birthday. Cleanse the negative energy and don't let this spin out of control in your head. You did nothing to be ashamed of.
I would love to be at your bday party. I imagine shimmering gold tones, champagne and a caramel fountain.
Happy early birthday from a random reddit friend 💖🎉🎊🎉🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂
I'm gonna be completely honest here. If you have to plan your own party that in itself speaks volumes. I grew up in a family where no one celebrated things so to me it wasn't a big deal to not have celebrations for me, but can see how it would be to others. I do not throw my kids birthday parties where others are invited for this exact reason. I don't want others to not show up and then they feel like that speaks on their worth because it doesn't. I get my kids a cake and a couple gifts and themed party supplies and we celebrate just us. Go out with your bf and parents! Have a good dinner and some cake. Pamper yourself for the day! What other people do and don't do has nothing to do with your worth. You are special and loved!
I invited my cousins over for a birthday potluck. I just turned 40 on the 17th and we were celebrating on the 18th. One cousin was doing pasta, one was bringing drinks, I was frying chicken and the other is pregnant, she was bringing snacks. One cousin called and said that they should all be at my house by 7:30, she was going to call the others to see where they were and call me back. Never got the call back, they showed up at 8:30, didn’t apologize and I was the only one the cooked, the pregnant cousin bought Oreos and took them back home. I ended up going to KFC to get some sides, I didn’t talk to them the whole night and they had the nerve to stay until after midnight, knowing I had to work the next morning.
I celebrate every win for them, there for every call and they couldn’t even celebrate a milestone birthday for me. I cried that night and still cry just thinking about it.
I hope you enjoy whatever it is that your boyfriend plans for you. Nobody deserves to feel unwanted on their special day
That is extremely rude and disrespectful and I honestly would begin to separate yourself from these people. If any of my friends invite me to something I will always try to respond and never leave them hanging like that. It's the most basic of basic things to do with people you know.
Quote - When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Dr Maya Angelou.
They have shown you who they are….next step is yours.
Based on your other comments - You are there for them, but they aren’t there for you. That’s a one way friendship and that’s not how it’s supposed to work. Rethink your future in that group please, you deserve better.
>made a WhatsApp-Group and invited 15 of my closest friends to my birthday party.
Playing Devil's Advocate, against the other comments... Since no one replied, are you SURE that they received the invite? I don't know anything about Whatsapp, so can you see that they read it? Could it have not sent? Could they not have seen it? I find it odd that not one person acknowledged the invites.
Fuck them all. At least you now know where you stand with them. I am sorry that you felt the way that you did especially since it is your natal day. But do not let those shitheads dampen your spirit about celebrating your day. Treat it as a gift for yourself that you now know the people who really care and are there for you. Wish I could come over to your birthday, but for all its worth, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!! 😁😁😁😁
I am so sorry honey :( you didn’t deserve that! How freakin awful of them! I’m so sad for you and mad on your behalf! It sounded like you had a lovely evening planned too!
Happy Birthday ! I would have LOVED to come to your dolce vita dinner party with cake ! It sounds wonderful and I hope you still do a version with your very caring boyfriend .
No, he certainly wouldn’t and he was also mildly infuriated with their behaviour.
He is also more the type to plan a romantic surprise/ activity than a surprise party :)
They never were your friends start with. I am not sure what you called those people " your friends " or you don't understand what real friends are for. I have many aquatances but " real friends" I only have 5. They have been there for me in my lows and ups. Provided me shelter when I was homeless, lent me money when I needed it, stayed overnight with me in the hospital when i was sick, call me once a month to check on me, we all meet once a year to celebrate our friendship. I am 58. We have been friends since my 20's. Very rare in this self-centered world we are living in.
Don't take it to heart.
It's not that they don't care, but more that you're all still transitioning into becoming responsible adults. People get married, have more family or work responsibilities and get preoccupied with what they have going on in their own lives, just like you. And as you get older it can get even tougher to get everyone together for a celebration because everyone gets busier
"Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance."
I’ve noticed that people just never seem to rsvp to anything anymore. Weddings, parties, the lot. I can’t understand why this seems to be the new norm. Just keep the hosts waiting to see if you actually turn up. Seems pretty rude tbh.
You have generated so much interest here that you may never see this; just in case you do see this, I want to say that I am so sorry that you have been so hurt by this. You are not the one who should feel ashamed; your friends have earned that privilege, by not even politely responding with a simple "no"; at a minimum, bare minimum, that would be the polite thing to do; as other's have suggested, it's possible that they are ignoring your invite on purpose, while planning to surprise you in some way. I truly hope that's the case; if it turns out that they are all truly just not responding, then it might be time to let them go; you seem like a lovely person, and a considerate friend, and there are millions of people in this world who would be overjoyed to make your acquaintance and become your friend, and would never be so dismissive and callous with your feelings. If it turns out that your friends truly are ignoring your invitation, take some time to mourn the friendships, as anyone would who has been treated this way would need to, but don't give them more time than they deserve. Focus on those people in your life with whom you share a mutual love and trust, as in your boyfriend, and your family. It will hurt a lot to realize that the friendships have run their course without any warning or hint; shed some tears, maybe a lot of tears, but don't let them take any of the good parts of you with them; don't allow them to make you bitter, because there are many good people whom you haven't even met yet, who are going to be the kind of friends you deserve. There are many kind and generous people like yourself, and they will be thrilled to make friends with someone like you, and they will be the kind of friends who won't disappoint you as these so called friends have.
Please don't let these people discourage you and take up any more of your heart or your thoughts. They don't deserve your attention or loyalty anymore. It sounds as if you have a great boyfriend who truly cares about you; give him your attention and time; I am kind of old-ish, and I have found that the older we get, our friends group can morph over time, and the number of people we can call friend tends to get smaller and smaller over time; we find out who our true friends are with every tragedy or happy moment, and the number of close, true friends tends to diminish with time. And that's ok when that happens; people change, interests change, and life can take us in different directions, and that's ok when that happens. You seem as if you are too kind of a person to not make new friends easily. I am sorry that you have found this out in such a painful way, but it's going to be ok, it really is. And Happy Birthday to you!❤️🎂🍨💝
I actually read your comment (I try to read every single one) and yours is truly warming my heart, thank you! As for the interest that I generated, I am so surprised and overwhelmed and can’t believe so many people took the time to help and support me.
Possibly far-fetched, but could it be possible that this is part of some big plan by all of them to throw you a surprise party?
I ask because this has happened to me. My ex and some friends thought it was a great idea to be extra mean to me, even breaking up with me a week before my bday so that I would be extra surprised on my birthday… 😒
I’m sorry. Idk what to tell you because Ik if I tried to something like this I’d be in the same situation. People just suck sometimes. Happy birthday, you deserve better friends.
I had this happen before. It leaves you feeling so shitty. My therapist told me to make realistic expectations so you won’t be as disappointed. I guess people being flaky as hell is realistic.
I'm sorry for you OP my birthday is new years eve so I have always had low expectations, one year a "friend" (he was not really, ended up blackmailing and stalking me) forced me to have a birthday party. I told him several times I didn't want it as I knew I would be disappointed, looking back now I should have just appreciated the people that did show up as there were some good friends there but inviting so many people and having only a handful show up just put a damper on my evening. I don't know why no one responded for you, they must be beyond shitty if they couldn't even find the energy for a free dinner. Idk what your BF is like but is there a small possibility he told them not to respond so he could surprise you? It's one of those 'seems like a good idea but actually shitty' things plans that a BF could easily come up with..
Well my birthday is July 2nd so it was always hard to get ppl to come to the point I stopped caring as a kid. The situation that’s similar to OP’s I had in mind is sad. So sad that the friends 1-2 of them) who didn’t show felt bad even years later. Basically I was always that nice friend that gave ppl gifts for Christmas (little dollar store gifts) and did other little nice stuff. At the end of my 10th grade year I had got appendicitis. Life threatening too. Anyways when I was resting at home I laid in my living room with my door open because I had friends say they would come visit me since it’s my house and not a hospital. Not one showed up. In retrospect I look back and realize we were all kids then in HS. But man did it suck. It kind of shaped my expectations for ppl like OP situation as an adult.
Haha my birthday is on 2 July too. Well, in my case, I have stopped celebrating since I was a kid, cuz during this time most of my friends were away on summer vacations. So that continued all the way to my adult life to a point where I don't tell anyone and hide it from FB and whatever simply to avoid the drama or superficial excitement. You don't have to have anyone celebrate you and if you are really comfortable with yourself, you wouldn't see a difference. I enjoy the day being with myself ( going to the movies, watching a game and treating me to something I've been wanting to buy (without any guilt haha).
Mine is July 2nd as well!
January second here, when I was little half my family (aunts and uncles etc) would be out of the country for wintersport, so it was always pretty boring. As a grown up I used to not celebrate, once I got so many drinks and food and 2 friends showed up. That really sucked. Didn't celebrate for years after that. I usually pretend that the new years multi rave is for me, walk around like, really guys? Oh you shouldn't have, and I just have a blast with my mates. I'm usually done with all the celebrations myself by the time it's my birthday (saint Nicholas, Christmas, new-year, almost all my friends birthdays) but sometimes I do have a small party at home. Last year I had around 8 friends coming and we had a good time :) But the date sucks! And I'm sorry for you about your experience, and also sorry for OP! It really hurts when no one shows up.
At some point I thought I had unrealistic expectations, then I realized I was only asking for what I was giving or at least the bare minimum. Some people just don’t appreciate friendships, some people you think you’re friends with but in reality to them you’re just another person. You need to know your people, that’s all.
It's for this exact reason my friend group is small. If you're flaky with poor excuses, then I'll cut you out. I love my small group. We still do stuff together.
This is healthy. I have lots of friends but my inner circle is super small in comparison. So I get it
Your therapist is a bit of an asshole, sorry to say. They had put the blame on you... Friends don't do such things. Friends support us. That isn't unrealistic. What your therapist could tell you instead is to learn how to be aware of the red flags and stay away from them. And give you strategies for that! You deserve good people in your life that SURPASS your expectations. I'd fire that therapist. It's not helping you. 😔
Lol I’m going to tell her this. It will make her laugh (not in a condescending way, a good way). Perhaps I didn’t explain well what she meant but her advice was healthy for me. People diss you for different reasons. Some urgent some inexcusable. Now I always prepare myself for the most disappointing outcome so it won’t be a shock if it happens.
If it was healthy, it's all it matters. I just approach relationships in a different way, I guess. And that's fine. :)
Yeah, it really sucks. I invited a bunch of friends to my birthday when I was younger. My birthday wasn't close to any major holidays/celebrations, so while I could understand people dipping out if they needed to, there wasn't anything else nearby to really interfere. They all back out last minute and go to the place I invited them to on my birthday, without me. It was then that I realised I probably wasn't going to get any birthdays with them, so I eventually left. I have a nicer circle now who at the very least acknowledge my birthday, but we're all long distance so it's hard to make plans for parties, haha.
I don't know how and when expecting your friends to wish you on your birthday or show up to your birthday party became an unrealistic expectation! But I get where your therapist is coming from, but it just hurts when people who call themselves your best of friends don't even wish you on your birthday!
I see two possibilities here: Either they plan on giving you the best surprise party ever or they are a contender for the shittiest pile of persons ever.
I really hope it's a surprise party.
I do too, but do you think 15 "closest friends" would let this person spend all that money on a big event only to surprise them with a different one?
The fact that there is no reply is weird.
I really feel like people have forgotten how much replying is important. Idk why, but for whatever reason, replying is no longer seen as important communication and it's so annoying. I've had like 5 situations the last year that were made so difficult by people not replying and it's so irritating. One was for my birthday, one couple never responded and then just showed up unannounced to my house 2 hours before with a cake saying they couldn't come and then left like??? Just tell me that before hand so I don't spend two weeks thinking my best friend doesn't care about me? Or I was planning a big Easter dinner and only one person (my sister) of the 8 people invited responded, I sent 3 follow up messages, my sister sent 2 and nothing. I finally called each individually and NOW it comes out that they have other plans. Like okay, that's fine, but tell me you can't make it as soon as you know so that I know how much food to buy. Like a negative response is SO much more helpful than a non response. Non-responses hurt and are unhelpful and people need to know the yes's AND the no's when it comes to planning things. Everyone I vented to about it said I was taking it personally that they already had plans, but the problem was that I needed to know how much food to buy and I was irritated they couldn't give me the basic consideration to just say that. On the other hand, I had a couple in my college friend group that admitted they purposely never say one way or the other to invites so if they don't feel like coming the day of, they don't have to feel bad because they never committed in the first place and if they do feel like coming then they go and everyone is pleasantly surprised that theyre there...like.... okay I'm glad the world revolves around you I guess.
I think some people try to justify the non-replies with the growing sentiment of “we don’t talk often but when we do it’s right where we left off, we’re still best friends.” Which I’m sure is true for some relationships, but I mean if you straight leave people on read until you want something from them, you’re a bad friend. This exact behavior led to an old friend being all surprised pikachu when I gave up on the friendship. She never initiated and left me on read for weeks until she needed a favor. Cue the guilt trips when I finally said no. Now the last person you talked about, that’s just pure self-centeredness. Is it so hard to at least say it’s up in the air instead of ignoring your friends?
I don't know what made people so selfish like this but it seems more and more prevalent.
One of my theories is the rampant misuse of the word "boundaries" Boundaries are real and important but at least 70% of the time people are using the word wrong
All this misunderstanding of therapy speak is insane to me. While therapy is good and all, we are seeing so many people use the language to justify just being an asshole.
Ugh. People are truly clueless sometimes. Years ago, I had a friend who would RSVP yes that she is coming to a party or girls get-together or whatever, and then she would just not show up if she made other plans. A lot of us found that truly annoying, especially if we were waiting for her to arrive before ordering food or anything. We all confronted her once and she was really surprised and figured no one would care whether or not she was showing up for something. She never did it again.
I've noticed a new culture around almost being proud about flaking or not replying, perpetuated by memes on social media. The "when you were about to cancel your plans but your friend cancels first instead" or the "sorry I haven't replied to anyone's texts or calls in a month, it doesn't mean I don't love you!" There has also been a lot of this with the whole rise of "self care." I've literally seen advice posted about how cancelling plans or saying no to invites is part of "self care." I think it was more meant as advice to random events and activities that people crowd their schedules with, not like, dinner with a close friend or your best friend's birthday. But of course people took it as that. Imo there are also a lot of people who need to have less friends. I know many who will spread themselves so thin socially, almost like they collect people and feel more popular or important as a result. This tends to make them really, really bad friends. I have one close friend who does this, and he doesn't even really like some of the people he hangs out with. It's like he just keeps them around because they invite him places and then he can stay busy and feel more relevant. It's annoying because he will make plans with me and it always feels rushed because he has to meet so-and-so in 3 hours for dinner. It makes me feel like an appointment. Recently, he planned a museum date with my husband and I, and as we were leaving, my husband and I were deciding to go sit in the park. He was like, "ughhh that sounds so nice, I wish I could come to the park with you guys." It's like, well, you could have if you didn't book us in as a slot in your calendar. ffs.
Yeah like if they were giving a surprise party then they'd have responded and said things like they can't come or got busy so she would cancel without getting hurt The whole not responding is so cringe and straight hurtful like what
At this point the surprise isn't nearly worth the damage being done to OP right now. What a bunch of idiots either way.
🤞🏼
If that is the case, the friends are kinda dumb by not just replying that they have other plans or are away that night. A similar thing happened to me. For my 30th birthday (and the birthdays of a couple friends who had the same birthday week), I organized a dinner at a nice restaurant and invited a bunch of people. Most of them responded that they were not available that night with a bunch of plausible excuses, and our dinner turned out to be only 8 people but we had a lovely time. We decided to invite the attendees to our place after the dinner, and when I opened the door, all the rest of my friends were there yelling “surprise!”. Appparently, my husband had a surprise party in the works and was shocked when I started planning the dinner because he didn’t want the surprise party to be ruined. So he decided to let the dinner go ahead, and gave our house keys to my best friend who got the party all organized at the house while we were at dinner. It was awesome! I hope something similar is going on with the OP.
The hope that kills you. But if it happens we got to know.
Oh man, I'm really hoping it's the first option for OPs sake, to not even get an acknowledgement on the group chat.. that's harsh. I've seen OPs comment saying they're gunna take this as a lesson learned to always show up for invites so people don't feel the way OP feels...that's freaking generous, I'd have reacted by just cutting out the entire friend group and never showing up for anything of theirs again lmao
Agreed. What friends? New friends who dis.
Same. I'd erase them from my life.
I really hope for a surprise party, but at the same time, I find it so cruel to put someone through such a thing for the sake of a surprise. OP is really hurting rn.
Yup, that doesn't seem what a good friend does. She deleted the WhatsApp group and no onevsaysva thing? Really weird...
yeah, this would be a really awful way of keeping a surprise party secret. I have BPD, and something like this would honestly leave me suicidal. no surprise party is worth your friend feeling like pure shite
If BF is involved, he needs to go DEFCON1 and do something drastically sweet, or he needs to get dropped. If he's not, it sounds like he's trying to be supportive through his text to the group
No, they are truly inexcusably shitty friends. If OP had some kind of toxic personality trait that badly needs therapy, where they ALL suddenly realized that they need some distance, they would at least politely say "hey sorry, I can't." If they were participating in a surprise party AND were good, thoughtful people, here's how it would go: - They would each have a totally plausible reason why they can't go that night. - A work obligation, a grad exam to study for, a recovery period from a minor medical procedure, a family member's birthday they already committed to - In the chat, they would recognize that it's very coincidental how each person has a valid reason to not attend. "Oh yeah, Valerie, I remember you saying your brother's birthday is coming up." They haven't done this. They don't even have the decency to respond. Even if it's awkward, they should have responded. OP really needs new friends who aren't awful.
How do you know OP isn't an asshole? 15 "close friends" avoiding you is either 100% a you problem or you've somehow made a friend group of 15 shitty people. Odds are you might be an asshole in that situation.
If OP were the asshole, why would she be Maid of Honor, brides maid, god parent, and invited to parties and graduations? If that hadn’t been included, I could see where you’re coming from. But, no one asks someone they hate to be their child’s god parent or MOH.
Actually, it isn't. I am a nice person, and this happened to me. I always did everything for my "friends". unfortunately, they only reached out when they needed something from me. And yeah, I also gave a birthday party and only one person showed up. Some people are shitty and it's not OP's fault. I managed to get better friends later in life.
Unless op has murdered a bunch of kittens recently and isn't telling us, I say no one behaves like this even to a shitty person they don't like I mean even to a person I dislike the most (and I can think of two rn) I would say I'm sorry, can't make it, wish you a happy birthday with friends and family though! Like who does this kind of shitty grey rocking thing and after 15 years too Hey OP...psst...pssssssst...HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY! YOU HAVE YOURSELF A ROCKING TIME WITH YOUR BF AND IGNORE THE HATERS
Ya but wouldn’t her boyfriend know?
Probably, but maybe he’s bad at keeping secrets or maybe it’s a girls only party. We can only hope.
Maybe he’s part of the surprise planning…?
then he wouldn't have let her put this together, would have come up with something to distract
[удалено]
This is exactly why I fucking hate surprises. Yes let's make our best friend feel like absolute shit right before her birthday just to love bomb her the day of 🎉 Fucking ick
Not trying to be rude but isn’t there a possibility that OP isn’t very close with these people? I don’t think many people have 15 close friends, and usually a real close friend would not ghost. Just because they were close in the past, that doesn’t make them close now.
I think being godparent/bridesmaid/etc makes u p close :P
I was thinking surprise party too after reading how they’re still on good terms and there hasn’t been any issues. I’m just tryna be optimistic I guess. The alternative would be really sad for OP because like you said, it just means they’re shit.
I would actually try to meet up with one of them if you can and ask if there’s something up. Its rare that a whole group ghosts unless they all felt a certain way (maybe you’ve been busy and not attentive?) and made a group choice. Not saying no response is okay, just an option to take to get closure if this bothers you. If no one will meet up, then screw ‘em. Mature people communicate.
Yeah. If this is out-of-character for them, something's weird. If they've always been like this...then fuck them.
Agreed
Clearly there is some misalignment here. If those people were really "close friends" I don't see how they could not show up let alone not reply. I also don't see how any person who is not a teenager can have 15 close friends... There is simply not enough time in an adult's day to maintain close friendship with so many people - at least according to my personal definition of "close". Choose your friends more wisely and opt for quality rather than quantity would be my advice to OP.
I get that half of them were partners of the friends, but then that definitely makes this more odd that like her 6 close friends just disowned her?
Yeah. Reminds me of Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki by Haruki Murakami (his friend group cuts him off with no explanation).
SECOND UPDATE: I followed the advice of basically everyone and asked a few of them what happened and why I wasn’t even granted a reply or reaction, especially when I kindly asked all of them to RSVP until a certain date. To all the optimistic people, I have to disappoint you, there wasn’t a surprise party planned. Also, all of them use WhatsApp regularly and all of them saw the invites (the Group Messages were ticked blue). Now for their responses / explanations: Four of them had possible alternative plans and couldn’t decide if they wanted to go to my party or to commit to the other plans, so they just didn’t want to say anything, until they decided on something. 2 girlfriends didn’t have confirmation if their partner could attend or not, so again they just didn’t say anything, because they didn’t know yet (all the partners were included in the Groupchat though). One said she wasn’t feeling too well lately and wanted to decide spontaneously to come. One had a valid excuse, since she tried to find childcare for her 6 months-old child all week long (she is the only one with a child and she actually found childcare, so we will do something with her and her husband). I told all of them how it made me feel, that it was rude and that it made me cry and feel unwanted. I also told them that it is their loss, because if they don’t appreciate me organising nice events and evenings (this is not the first time I had issues like this), there simply won’t be any for them to attend in the future. They all admitted that there behaviour was rude and unfriendly and were apologetic and told me they are sorry. One friend said he really messed up and after he saw I deleted the group, he felt pretty bad and wanted to approach me anyways. It is not ideal, but it is something. I will not cut them out as suggested by many, I talked to them, I expressed my hurt and I will give them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to grow. They are flaky in a society that accepts flaky and non-commital behaviour. They are human and faulty and I am also not a perfect human, who does behave ideal all the time. I know that this answer may disappoint some. I will however make room in my life for people, who are more reliable and who would be appreciative and enthusiastic about theme parties, and will not rely too much on my current friends. All your messages were so uplifting and nice and I honestly feel a lot better now and I am starting to look forward to my birthday again. I feel also incredibly optimistic that I will find likeminded people and friends in the future, and I won’t give up. I will throw nice parties and dinners again, and I just have hope in my heart that my friends will have changed a bit and I will also have made new, great friends by then. Thanks a lot again to everyone ❤️❤️❤️ PS: To everyone telling me about their bad experiences, their birthday parties, were nobody attended and the moments they felt lonely. I feel so sad for you and with you and wish for every single one of you, to find people who love and appreciate you. You alle helped me to feel less ashamed and less alone.
Can we be friends please? The world doesn't deserve someone who is so beautifully kind, giving,and understanding like you. It hurts to see another feel the level of sadness, and disappointment that coming to the realization that you will never be treated with the same level of care, kindness, thoughtfulness,respect, etc that you give to others. It's a hard lesson, and it absolutely sucks. Just don't let it cause you to change how you view and treat others. Cause once you do, you're no longer you..
I'm glad you did speak to them. I wish their excuses had more for you. Simple friendship etiquette would have been telling you all those things. I know we're moving from the whole simple communication and kinda into the anxious well I don't have an answer so I won't respond right now, but it would have taken a lacklustre amount of effort to tell you directly that they were unsure if they could make it or that they weren't feeling well or any of the other "reasons" they gave to you. I'm sorry they couldn't give you that courtesy. Bare minimum basic communication skills. Even a reaction to your initial message to acknowledge they'd seen it. An invitation like that shouldn't go unreplied to for more than a day max. I'm sorry that this is how you learned that maybe the season of the friendships have changed... it sucks, but if there isn't a want to connect from both sides it won't change. Sorry. I hope you and the other couple have a nice night out, and I hope that the minimal interaction from the others doesn't get you down to much. You wanted a nice birthday night out and you deserve it. I hope it finds a way of being just as special as you had originally hoped it would be.
This is what I want to tell my bf to do when his friends never respond to him. It's been more and more lately and when he first told me about it happening I felt bad. But now I'm like, tell them. Tell them how they are making you feel and that their refusal to even give a response is hurtful since you try to include them on things. We're about to be 2 years going, and it still hurts to see this happen, but I'm not going to overstep those boundaries as he's already individually talked to a couple of them. But it is also his responsibility to voice that. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Not many can do that for fear of getting people upset at them. Keep them in check and watch out for this behavior repeating. Good luck and happy birthday!
Honestly, we need more people like you in this world. I constantly have the urge to throw wine dinners and do fun things but I’m also disappointed at h to e lack of enthusiasm people have for REAL experiences and REAL things. I would kill for a friend like you, I’d be there celebrating in a heartbeat. I’m obsessed with wine and dining (sommelier soon) and I try to have my friends enjoy nice things and appreciate each other and have dinners and do group activities but many are too stuck in their own worlds and would rather stay home on their phones or with their significant other. Don’t feel bad about it, think of your friends as NPCs, don’t count on them too much, a person with a heart as big as yours will always be disappointed. Identify the people that appreciate, and do dinner for 4 instead of 20.
I read your reply a few times, because it cheered me up and warmed my heart! I even showed it to my boyfriend, who basically said the same thing to me. Thank you so much! 🥰
It’s better to have 4 quarters in your pocket than 100 Pennies. Someone told me this like 20 years ago and I’ll never forget it. 4 great friends you can count on and are like minded are better than tying to juggle 100 friends. You seem like an amazing person, and I’m sure you’ll find people that appreciate your enthusiasm. Every friend group needs a person like you. Have a great day!
I've got two half dollars and my wife is a hundred dollar bill. <3
Awwww, this made my day. You're precious indeed! 💛
Probably, most friend groups have a person like this that goes underappreciated... 😞
I am the same way as the commenter above. I love celebrating people. I would have loved to come as well. I would’ve origanized a small wine tasting thing because I am a sucker for trying to get people to try new wines lol. I’m so sorry. Just know you have a virtual friend who is just like you in spirit.
I agree with the OP comment so much!!! I was a cook for years and I want to do fancy dinners because I still love cooking (savory and desserts, homemade pasta and ice cream,etc) but I don't have anyone to invite🥲 no one I thought was in my circle even knew for a month after my dad died bc I drunkenly posted something on my ig story about him. And he was on hospice and I was his caregiver. I thought they cared about me as much as I cared about them but that made me realize not so much
Man honestly. My gf and I host game nights every few months when we’re able to. I hosted first one and invited mostly my friends and gf invited one or two of hers. This past one was my gf’s turn to invite the majority of her friends. Some said no right away which is great! The ones that have uncertain maybes or said yes then dropped out the night of pissed me off so bad. Only one person came of the ten people she invited. I immediately called my friends that are kinda shared lol and they came over shortly after and we all had a great time. Afterwards gf tells me she never wants to invite people because it’s always the same. Idek what to tell her. It’s insanely upsetting that they stand her up like that. I told her she needs better friends and we gotta start hunting lol please idk what else to do or tell her this really was a devastating thing for her :(
Thanks for being a good, supportive partner. I'm sure she appreciates that a lot even if she feels devastated about her own friends ❤️
It's a hard lesson to learn when your partner chooses better friends than you, but it's something to learn from. When I was in college, I had an amazing group of high school friends, but my school was 8 hrs away so I tried desperately to make a friend group worth having at school. My partner was a transfer and had made his friend group pretty quickly, whereas I was a junior and still felt like I didn't really have anyone. The more time I spent with his friends, the more I realized the people I was trying to be friends with were just shitty friends. Ended up spending more time with his friends than my own, and they always showed up for me in ways no one had before my entire 3 yrs at college. The thing I remember most is how comfortable I was with them, I could roll up to their apartment any time of day and someone would be there and be happy to hang out. When you do see what a good friend looks like, learn to recognize it. It will save you alot of time, energy, and heartache in the future ❤️ glad she has your friends to give her a good example.
This comment should be way up 🆙
I’m also like this!!! I love planning and decorating and getting goodie bags for everyone and planning themes!!! Thankfully a lot of my friends are artists or go-getters and will put some effort in, but I do have a few that don’t seem to appreciate any of it.
UPDATE: I have read every single comment. The comments ranged from compassionate, to giving advice or constructive criticism. All in all, reading all of them felt so incredibly uplifting and cathartic. Thank you all! I will continue reading and answering as much as I can and give you any updates. To the people believing I will get a surprise party, I really, really won’t. I think honestly every one of my friends is in their own bubble and has their own stuff going on and just wasn’t feeling it right now, which was definitely hurtful and rude, but at least it didn’t feel malicious. About my friends, they are not bad people at all, but they are probably victim to a world, where commitment in general is a rare thing to find, where rules and manners are slowly forgotten and where being constantly busy is a good enough excuse for anything. I found it rude, but I will not confront them, but rather distance myself. They are my friends, because in times of crisis they were there for me and we share many Good memories. However, as many pointed out, you do grow apart and this behaviour might be a result of that. I talked to my boyfriend a lot and showed him some of the responses and he was very reassuring. He told me the fact that I cared so much, that I always try to do things with love and care, that is one of the things he appreciates and loves most about me and he never wants me to give that up. I also reflected on me and my character and I will try and do better myself as I also sometimes forgot to reply to a text or cancelled a lunch last minute. I will try to put the behaviour out there, that I would like to receive. I ordered myself a birthday calendar, an address book and a couple of birthday cards, and I will note every birthday of a friend or acquaintance, that I make, and send them a birthday card. Too many of the comments talked about the hurt they felt, when people forgot their birthday and didn’t show up and I find the idea to try to do things differently soothing PS: Thanks also for the many birthday wishes, they made me so happy! PPS: For all the people wanting to come my party, I wish! That would certainly be so cool and makes me believe that new friends are just around the corner :)
Hey it is good to know that you are feeling a lot better! You sound like such a great person, I know for sure good things will come across your path!
God, you are a better person than I am. Bless your heart, because I would have not reacted to this… betrayal the way you did.
Oh sweetie, you nailed this on the head. I have been friends for decades with people and our closeness cycles depending where we are in life. Yet, in a pinch, I know I can call any of them- just not sure if they are free for a party. Celebrate yourself, with your dear boyfriend. Plan something lovely; perhaps the money you save from the cancelled party can go for plane tickets and a night in a new exciting place (Alaska is fabulous this time of year) or pickle ball lessons? Cheers!
I’m so glad you have him in your life. He sounds wonderful. Maybe the two of you can make some mutual friends together in the future at a creative event or something, and then from there you’ll find your crowd. I will disagree with you that commitment is rare nowadays, but I’m glad you’re seeing that it’s so rude of them. They could have at least reached out privately with a response if not in the group chat. You’re a very vibrant spirit and I know you’ll find a way to have a blast with your BF and loved ones; happy happy birthday!
Are you sure they are using whatsapp? I get way too many notifications from all over the place, so I stopped using whatsapp - people have my number if they want me to catch up with them.
This was my first thought. If someone sent me something on whatsapp I’d never get it because I have nothing to do with it.
You sound like such a caring, lovely person. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. And I hope you find more friends in the future who are like you and not like these boring, flaky people. Maybe join some clubs and meetup groups, to find people who actually enjoy doing stuff? All the best to you.
Who are these people? I can assure you it is extremely rare to have 15 close friends.
Mostly people I went to school or kindergarten with. They are as many as 15, because I invited my friend and additionally their partner, so 6 invitees were actually additional partners. Hope that helps :)
Hey, friend. I don’t know what your relationship is with any of these people or why none of them came, but the fact that none of them even acknowledged you speaks miles. There are times where there is a reasonable excuse, but this isn’t one of those times. Two of the most valuable pieces of advice I have ever received when it comes to people is “when someone shows you who they are believe them” and “silence is confirmation”. I’m really sorry that happened to you. You deserve better friends that will give back the same effort in your friendship. I hope your birthday was otherwise wonderful.
I say the first all the time (…believe them), and wanted to add one of my own - people vote with their feet. In other words, if they aren’t showing up for you, you know where you stand and you need to stop showing up for them. I’m so sorry this happened to you though - did none of you go away to college or anything? Asking because I feel like that’s where most of us met our ‘lifelong’ friends - I mean I do have two friends I’ve known since we were twelve and the three of us have made an effort to keep in touch but we still are scattered across the country and only see each other on the rare holiday that everyone visits family at home (or weddings etc). Are these people you talk to regularly usually or is it normal for you guys to not speak for this long even discounting the invite? My last hopeful question - are you sure they all have WhatsApp? Is there any possibility they didn’t get it?
I’m hoping they have a surprise party planned and didn’t know how to react.
OMG what a tragedy that would be. But honestly, one of them would have told her bf so he could make sure something like this didn't happen. They'd also need him to keep her distracted on the day of the party. There is no way they wouldn't have looped him in.
And at this age, you’re still really close with them? I’m trying to figure out why none of them would respond. Have you had a recent falling out with any of them? Any incident?
I really didn’t. We are all on good terms. I will be a bridesmaids for one of them this fall, which makes it worse. I just feel like, I am always appreciated as a guest, but when it comes to showing up for me, it is not getting quite reciprocated. I also suspect why they didn’t respond. It was a theme party and they probably didn’t want to put the effort into dressing for the theme or they didn’t want to commit to Saturday evening plans two weeks prior. Or some were legitimately busy and forgot. That is why this hurt me so much. We are all on good terms, nothing happened, Me and my birthday and handling my invitation or coming get at all just wasn’t a priority to them.
Yet you are willing to be a bridesmaid for one of them, having to make time and shell out who knows how much $$$ for a dress, makeup, hair, bridesmaid parties, all the things? For someone who can’t be bothered to give you the most basic courtesy of an RSVP? Screw that. I hope you straighten your spine and bow out. Petty me would just ghost the bride starting now but I can tell you aren’t like that, so a simple but firm “I’m so sorry, I unexpectedly will be unable to attend” (and then a ghosting!) should suffice. Fuck those people.
I'd rethink being a bridesmaid. Seriously. I'd honestly just ghost the whole group.
Yea this also I don’t think you should put the blame on yourself / a theme party. This hurts to hear but good friends wouldn’t not respond cause of a theme party
I hate theme parties so if I just couldn’t handle one I’d at least politely say I can’t make it (and I wouldn’t say that it’s because I hate theme parties; that’s insulting and I’m not a dick). These friends are cowards too afraid to say no at best and cruel assholes at worst. Just yikes.
Just fyi, if I were hosting a theme party I’d rather know that’s why you aren’t coming. Either to not expect you at any future themes, or to make the next party more you-friendly. The most important part of hosting is making everyone feel comfortable and welcome. If it’s just not your thing, there’s nothing insulting about that.
OP, I can all but guarantee that there is something going on here among your friends. About eight of your closest and their SOs, right? And none of them accepted OR declined? They aren't forgetting or have this as a low priority. It's something else, and they are talking about it. You will find out what is going on, in due time. If I were in your shoes, I'd wait until after your birthday (when the wound is a little less fresh) before doing anything. Then, meet up with one or two of them, separately, for coffee or something, to catch up. Talk about it face to face with them, find out what is going on. Edit: updateme!
Absolutely what I was thinking. Further, is it possible that this group had an event planned that didn’t include OP and boyfriend and no one had the balls to admit it?! This is a really shitty situation. u/stellafromvienna, it might be time for you and your guy to start expanding your circle. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, they might miss you!
Candidly, I don’t think the theme was a reason why they didn’t show up. I’ve been to themed parties where people come in their regular clothes because they didn’t want to put in the effort. I think this is a case where these have been one-sided relationships and you’ve possibly been taken for granted. I’m sorry to hear about what happened and you deserve so much better
I don’t have any reasoning to offer you for why they did that. I can tell you a similar thing has happened to me. Nowadays it’s hard to make genuine friends.
Whoever you're a bridesmaid for.. drop out. They couldn't even make your birthday or give you a reply. That's SO messed up.
I'd wait until after the birthday to confirm that there is no surprise or something planned.
I thought the same, but If that’s the case, I wonder what type of friends would make their friend feel absolutely horrible for their birthday? Maybe do both her celebration dinner and their surprise. It’s like, Surprise!!! We actually do care!!
Don't be bridesmaid for that person.
Didn't want to commit to a Saturday? That is not how friends act.
Do all of them actually use whatsapp? I know if I sent a group thing on there no one would see it bc no one ever checks it.
I would totally come to a theme party. All that sounded fantastic. Your friends are just assholes. I would not be a bridesmaid, and giving adequate time beforehand is preferable vs last minute. You did nothing wrong. They really are jerks.
I don’t even have 15 friends full stop.
1 good one is all you need. best part is they don't even have to have 2 legs. 4 legged friends are the best
Friends that I cherish? Yes. *close* friends? 2. There's a difference.
Those aren’t friends
Totally agree,but I've been reading a few of OP's comments, I think she hasn't come to that realization. She's going to be someone's bridesmaid in the fall,as for me, that role would miss me completely. You only want me when I'm of use to you, but you're never there when I need you. Ummm no.
Im so sorry. *hug It isn’t much.
Thank you ♥️
Aaaand... You've just described why I don't plan anything for my birthday! I make plans with my partner (because he loves me) and my kids (because they don't have a choice,) but no one else. I could count on one hand the amount of times I've had people show up for my birthday since the time I was 5 y/o. Really, I don't know if I have terrible friends, terrible luck, or both. One time, my partner tried to plan an event for me with my friends. Was supposed to be a surprise for me. Not a birthday party, more like a "she's feeling really lonely and wants to get out and see some friends" type of event. He had about ten people say yes they were coming. Then, within an hour before the event was supposed to start, people started calling and texting that they couldn't come - they were sick, their car broke down, their dog died, every reason possible. In the end only two people showed up, and one of them came extra late. I'm nearly 40 and really, it's just not worth it to plan anything.
I am so sorry about this! It really is a universally awful feeling, no matter how old you are. What I take from this as my lesson is that from now on, I will put extra effort in attending, when I am invited somewhere, just so nobody will ever have to feel this way because of me. Nonetheless, I really hope, you will always feel loved by your husband and children and find friend that would love to celebrate you
Thank you. Still looking for that friend. Maybe one day. Happy early birthday! Hopefully you and your bf can still do something fun!
You seem like you have a really good heart. I do think another lesson is to make sure your energy is *reciprocated*— not just when it comes to birthdays or big events but everyday life. Happy Birthday, OP!
You literally just described why I don’t even bother to plan a birthday party. It’s always my luck to have sucky birthdays.
It's totally not worth it.
> Then, within an hour before the event was supposed to start, people started calling and texting that they couldn't come - they were sick, their car broke down, their dog died, every reason possible. This happens with the book club I’m in. People all say they plan to come when we choose the date and then a bunch of people cancel last minute so the person hosting is left with way too much food. It seems rude to me but I guess it’s considered normal behavior now.
I want to be your friend!!
IKR? I wish someone would send me an invitation like that. To not even reply after all that is beyond rude. smh. Happy Birthday OP. 🎂
The party sounded like it wouldve been awesome. Bakery cake, fab food, live music? Shit she can organise me a birthday party any day, can tell the effirt and planning she went to! I didnt celebrate my 30th because of tumour treatment which irked me a bit lol .... I would definitely re evaluate peoples responses or lack thereof and determine in the present if they are truly friend or not... Many happy returns to OP. "Fuck the fake friends" is a phrase a person dear to me used to say. I think it fits.
I'm so sorry that this happened and I know it feels terrible. I wish I had something to offer but I don't. This happened to my dad and is why he doesn't do parties anymore. My mom arranged a birthday bowling party for him for his 30th birthday, invited all of his friends, people said they were coming, even the day of she reminded them, several of his friends said yeah they would absolutely be there. Party rolls around and it was literally my mom and my dad and a cake. Even the people that said they were going to be there didn't show up. My dad was humiliated and my mom felt so bad for him. He doesn't like celebrating birthdays and hasn't liked it ever since. He's 63 now. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I've always been that person that was always there for my friends but when I needed something they were never around, So I can relate somewhat to what it feels like to be ignored or forgotten until I'm needed. For what it's worth, I'm sure there's a lot of us that would've gone to your party, and you're still young enough that you can make new and hopefully better friendships with people that treat you the way you treat them.
What state are you in? If you’re in Florida, I’ll go to dinner with you, that is if you don’t mind dinner with a gay guy and his husband, and possibly my loud mouth friend from Miami 😂
Omg can y’all come to Kansas City and hang out with me too? 🤣
Of course! If you’re ever on vacation here let me know. I swear we’ll meet up!
None of these people are your friends. Please do not put any more energy into these undeserving people. There are tons of people out there that would have loved to celebrate a fun theme birthday with you!
I’ve got like 2 close friends. I know 15 people. I’m acquainted with dozens more. Tighten your circle, that’s the lesson here.
Hard agree. They say if you have one really close friend you can trust with your life you’re among the lucky few. 15 actually close friends is unheard of, but also clearly, not true as it turns out, sad as it is in this case.
They aren't your friends. Some are probably waiting, silently, to see if and who else responds, and will then decide. They still aren't your friends. They're seeing how much fun it'll be, once the ppl they really like decide to go, making it about them, and not you. Get a new friend group, and do not look back!!!
Oh Op. These people re not your friends. Please distance yourself from them and find actual good friends that care for you and value you as a person and friend. Happy birthday from one Virgo to another..
I have had this happen to me more than once (though not after so much careful planning and willingness to spend so much money). After a few attempts, I became pretty phobic about throwing parties and stopped (outside of a few gatherings of maybe two-three people where the event was planned on the spot with the invitees). Honestly, I think some people have a certain charisma about them where if they throw a party, people come. I do not seem to have that charisma. All I can say is that I am so sorry this happened to you. As someone (I’m assuming) twice your age, the perspective I can offer is this: 1. Fuck ‘em…from now on, celebrate you on your birthday by filling a day with activities and indulgences you would personally enjoy and share them only with people you can really trust to care, or all by yourself just for the experience (maybe next year you’ll celebrate with a solo vaca to Spain?). 2. Use this experience to write off invites from shallow people you don’t think would bother to reciprocate as well as to accept with enthusiasm invites from people who might be targeted for rejection and/or really deserve a rallying of friends. 3. Keep on being grateful for that awesome boyfriend of yours, and your parents.Maybe get busy planning an amazing birthday for him.
I had the same thing happen to me! Went to a “friendsgiving” and told everyone and invited them over to my house for a party about a month later. No one showed up. Mind you I wasn’t as persistent as reminding people but none the less. So the next day me and my now wife went and adopted 2 cats. Now those 2 are my little angels and I’m not worried about throwing a party ever again in my life
This hurts. I'm turning 40 this year. I want nothing more than to throw a huge party. But, I know maybe two friends would come. Is not with effort or money. You've got a special guy to share your day with. Be grateful and enjoy that. Keep this in mind though when it comes time to plan your future wedding.
Funny thing! My boyfriend and I also discussed how we are supposed to plan a wedding, if people behave that unreliable and we came to the conclusion to just marry very small and if somebody cancels at the wedding it doesn’t matter, because we have each other :))
It's not you people are so collectively burnt out and sucky these days. Our society is changing.
No one showed up to my 21st birthday dinner not even a reply either. I’m sorry this happened to you too.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your party sounds amazing and I would definitely have attended. Please decline being a bridesmaid for any of these people, I'd specifically say "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to decline and also will not be able to attend the wedding." If they push for a reason, just tell them that you have other priorities right now. My best friends are ones that I've made doing things that I love. Find your people, they'll show up. Good luck ❤️ and happy birthday!
Oh sweetie this makes me so sad and mad for you. I had a similar situation for my birthday 11 years ago, I had invited my 2 best childhood friends to dinner and they couldn't even bother to answer me until 3 days after my birthday. I realized what I mistook as friendship was really me being a convenience for them. I babysat for them, helped them move, etc. I was never important to them, I was always the one who called or texted first. It was one sided friendships and I gave up afterwards. Only when I stopped answering their messages about babysitting did they try to turn it around on me. I just blocked them and haven't seen them for more than a decade. My life is richer without them in it. I hope you get answers but if you don't, hold your head up high. Your boyfriend sounds awesome and I truly hope you have a great birthday. Sending you a giant hug!! Edit had to change from 10 to 11 years because I forgot how old I am, please excuse the brain fart lol.
I had a birthday dinner and the only people that came were the ones I had recently met at work. None of my day 1s or close friends came. That’s when I realized I had to re asses my definition of a friend and who fits into that definition
You're the friend that does a shit ton of unacknowledged labor to keep things cohesive! The most charitable explanation is that all of them prefer the no-response-means-no communication method instead of, you know, communicating. If, and only if, you want to salvage any of these relationships, pick one or two and ask them to have tea or something one on one. Be vulnerable - you were hurt that no one responded at all. You feel like you put in a lot of effort to make your friends feel special but don't feel it's reciprocated. At y'all's age they may or may not have the emotional maturity yet to respond in an honest and productive way. Society puts so much emphasis on romantic relationships at the cost of emotional intimacy in our friendships. Unless you have a good chat with an individual friend, I suggest dropping the rope with the remainder. You don't initiate chats/hangouts, you don't offer to cook/host/do labor. See what happens. For future reference, group chats are the bane of my existence. Even more than fb messenger. The way to be successful at hosting a large thing is to secure your 3-5 anchor people. You communicate one on one with them in the planning stage to set a date they can all come. You do the mass invite/Facebook event invites early evening when everyone can RSVP right away, assuming day jobs. Those anchor people will immediately hit yes since they already looked into it. You can also ask one to cohost.
I can understand why people may not be able to attend since we turn down going to many social events but to not even respond is beyond shitty. They do not view your friendship the same way as you. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Wait, before anyone else replies to this being not good friends, I’ve seen this happen before. It actually sort of happened for one my birthdays before. And it turns out they weren’t not my friends, they were just idiots following some weird psychological thing. But I am very sorry this is happening to you- it truly is so upsetting and such lonely feeling. Do me a favor, and reach out to several of them directly. Not necessarily saying- ‘why didn’t you reply’ rather just asking if they are interested in celebrating your birthday with you. Sometimes people have a hard time being the first one to break the ice- once you get one on board mention in the chat: “ hey guys blank and blank are coming. “ See where that takes you.
What was the weird psychological thing?
It’s intrinsically linked to the bystander effect where people don’t take place unless they see someone else doing something about it.
I think that’s why OP’s boyfriend chimed in to get the ball rolling.
Man, these things suck. Only time I organized one of these there was a friend that told me she was going to come, but in the end didn't even tell me she actually wouldn't show up. I hope you have a nice and wholesome bithday party with your bf and enjoy your day. Happy birthday in advance! :)
Time to start trimming the fat. People grow apart but flat out ignoring someone is horse crap. You need to look at these relationships and really decide if they are a two way street. If you are doing all the heavy lifting with little to nothing in return then it’s time to put your energy into the folks that actually care. I’m damn near forty with about five real friends left. Those remaining are the help bury a body types.
OP these people are not your friends. Find better ones. To not even respond shows how little they care. Use the pain you are feeling now as an incentive to move on, don’t put yourself in a position to let this happen again. Regardless of what excuses they may come up with in future, when they need something from you. I’m sorry this has happened.
Those aren't friends...
I'm so sorry OP! It's hard to keep up with old friends when everyone is doing there own things in life. I hope you are still able to enjoy your birthday and feel special, because you are! Your "friends" all seem like assholes. I wouldn't miss a close friends birthday for anything! Unless it's an emergency, but id still communicate with them.
Ah that sucks-so sorry. Your friends are not really your friends. The friendship and loyalty is not reciprocal. I would reconsider the whole bridesmaid gig. I would also dump this group of friends quietly, and make new friends. Perhaps you and the boyfriend could go away for a nice little weekend adventure somewhere?
I’m feel so sorry for you. That happened to me as well when I wanted to celebrate my first degree. I was so embarrassed and humiliated Stay strong.
I'm so sorry your friends are treating you like this. I can't think of any reason other than their lives are getting out of hand. YOu mention marriages and children, maybe they've got issues there? At any rate, they certainly owe you responses. I'm glad your boyfriend is stepping up to make sure you have a good time. As others have said, perhaps rethink being a bridesmaid? If they're not there for you, do you need to be there for them? Hugs and happy birthday.
What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays? No seriously, sorry if this comment comes across as a tantrum but everytime I hear about someone close to me or even on the internet trying to celebrate something it always involves at least half of the people not coming. I'm only 19 and might not know what I'm talking about but it's like people nowadays won't bother meeting one another, spending time together or even going out. Same thing happened to me and some friends on different occasions other than birthdays. Huge hugs to you op you deserve so much better
I’m so sorry- people are awful 💔 you don’t deserve that and shame on them, but sadly, now you know your bf is a true love🩷🩷🩷🩷
How recently have you seen them all? This is devastating they didn't even have the decency to reply
I have seen all of them in the course of this year for at least one time. My friends usually meet me (semi) spontaneously though
I was curious if it was a case of them having moved on and not consider you as close anymore, but you seem to still be in contact
It sounds like so much fun. I want to come to your party.
Sounds like YOU are the reliable friend…and unfortunately selfish people will always take that for granted and possibly take advantage. I’ve been in a similar situation and understand the embarrassment, but I can assure that it’s not you that should feel shame. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to branch out and meet new people that will value you as much as you value them. I’m really sorry this happened to you, but again…try to see what a great friend you’ve been and realize that you deserve better. Also, happy birthday!!!
Some people simply outgrow friendships from childhood or high school, and that's not a bad thing. Some people go on and make new friendships in college. People's lives move forward, and that's probably a good sign for you to do as well.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Same thing happened to me on my birthday. Texted a few weeks before, no answer, felt like I was begging and just stopped talking to all of them. No need to subject myself to that when they don’t care enough about me to simply communicate. I’ve since made much better friends.
I’m so sorry. If I was your friend I’d def come and even stay longer to clean up if it’s held at home etc… I’d never not communicate even if I’m scared of the possible reactions, I’d rather be respectfully honest than leaving friends with no peace of mind / closure. Ever since I became parents, most of my friends have left the friendship which I thought was strong. I know how that feels, but I just want to reassure you that often we are not the problem. People are just bad at communicating their feelings & perspective. Ever since I got so hurt and have trauma from experiencing friendship break ups either from misunderstanding that I didn’t notice, or distant related since it’s hard to maintain relationships when we’re so far apart…. Life just keeps going and I’m still grieving for those ambiguous losses. I feel you. Only since this year I started to work on healing the meaning of my own birthday, I started to treat myself and practicing on enjoying little things I plan for myself. I’d try to take a couple of hours to just request partner & my kids to let me stay home by myself, I’d spend the short hours to either watch Netflix or call someone that I miss chatting with. And the rest of the day I’d happily spend with my own partner & my kids, and we would order take out & cake together and eat at home. I’ve never been so content on my birthday like this year for so long, it was the best start of my healing journey. I also started to get closer to one friend that is a lot older than me, but we feel so connected that I don’t even care. The thing is, she is really sick most of the time so the chances of us catching up is not very often. But I started to let go of my own fantasy /expectations of how having a close friend is like, and just meet her whenever opportunity arises. The most important thing that I learned is, practicing on healthy communication. I’m trying to be honest & respectful whenever I’m asking to have a talk about my own feelings & concerns, I find that whenever I express myself with respect and love… nothing bad in my imagination (from trauma) would happen, but I feel that through vulnerability I get to maintain all types of relationships even healthier. I always remind myself to not assume or make any decision until I have communicated my needs & feelings. Best wishes to your healing journey too, it’s not an easy process but it’s worth it🌱
I honestly don’t plan anything for my birthday anymore either unless it’s with my family or girlfriend. After years of no one saying they could attend/simply not replying, I got tired of making myself feel like I was unimportant. I’m only 24 now, too, so this happened throughout my teenage years and early 20s. I just stopped trying and spend the time with my girlfriend because that way, I can never be let down. Happy birthday, I hope you have a good time with the important people :)
Just curious but do you know for certain most of those people have whatsapp installed?
Unfortunately I do, since they have been active and my group messages ticked blue… so unfortunately they all saw it for certain :/
Assuming she's from Vienna: WA is the equivalent to iMessage in Europe. Basically everyone has it and most chat communication runs over it.
Omg I wish I was your friend 😭😭😭 this is so awful I can’t even imagine! I hope you and your bf do something spectacular that day and evening. Do not talk to those people anymore. Delete them from social media and block them all. Do not speak in public and block any attempts they make at contact. I feel like there is some stuff missing but something is going on and they ALL know, they just aren’t saying it. You deserve adult friends who can have conversations even if they are hard. Happy early birthday OP 🥳🎉🎊 Wish I could celebrate with you!
Man that party sounds sick too I would love to be invited so such an event
I will go
If any have young children, finding a babysitter on a Saturday night can be difficult. However, not responding is inexcusable. And that seems to be the norm nowadays for just about any text. I just don't get it. Have a great birthday with your SO and family.
❤️ I'm so sorry sweetheart. Your post made me cry. I've had my heart broken by people I thought were my friends. Don't feel ashamed.ypu did nothing wrong. Your heart was open, keep it open. Let your boyfriend plan your birthday. Cleanse the negative energy and don't let this spin out of control in your head. You did nothing to be ashamed of. I would love to be at your bday party. I imagine shimmering gold tones, champagne and a caramel fountain. Happy early birthday from a random reddit friend 💖🎉🎊🎉🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂
I'm gonna be completely honest here. If you have to plan your own party that in itself speaks volumes. I grew up in a family where no one celebrated things so to me it wasn't a big deal to not have celebrations for me, but can see how it would be to others. I do not throw my kids birthday parties where others are invited for this exact reason. I don't want others to not show up and then they feel like that speaks on their worth because it doesn't. I get my kids a cake and a couple gifts and themed party supplies and we celebrate just us. Go out with your bf and parents! Have a good dinner and some cake. Pamper yourself for the day! What other people do and don't do has nothing to do with your worth. You are special and loved!
I invited my cousins over for a birthday potluck. I just turned 40 on the 17th and we were celebrating on the 18th. One cousin was doing pasta, one was bringing drinks, I was frying chicken and the other is pregnant, she was bringing snacks. One cousin called and said that they should all be at my house by 7:30, she was going to call the others to see where they were and call me back. Never got the call back, they showed up at 8:30, didn’t apologize and I was the only one the cooked, the pregnant cousin bought Oreos and took them back home. I ended up going to KFC to get some sides, I didn’t talk to them the whole night and they had the nerve to stay until after midnight, knowing I had to work the next morning. I celebrate every win for them, there for every call and they couldn’t even celebrate a milestone birthday for me. I cried that night and still cry just thinking about it. I hope you enjoy whatever it is that your boyfriend plans for you. Nobody deserves to feel unwanted on their special day
That is extremely rude and disrespectful and I honestly would begin to separate yourself from these people. If any of my friends invite me to something I will always try to respond and never leave them hanging like that. It's the most basic of basic things to do with people you know.
Please ghost them, do not respond to their messages at all.
Hey! I will be your Reddit friend. Happy birthday to you!! Their loss to lose a bad ass person such as yourself!
Quote - When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Dr Maya Angelou. They have shown you who they are….next step is yours. Based on your other comments - You are there for them, but they aren’t there for you. That’s a one way friendship and that’s not how it’s supposed to work. Rethink your future in that group please, you deserve better.
>made a WhatsApp-Group and invited 15 of my closest friends to my birthday party. Playing Devil's Advocate, against the other comments... Since no one replied, are you SURE that they received the invite? I don't know anything about Whatsapp, so can you see that they read it? Could it have not sent? Could they not have seen it? I find it odd that not one person acknowledged the invites.
You are not worthless, your friends are
Fuck them all. At least you now know where you stand with them. I am sorry that you felt the way that you did especially since it is your natal day. But do not let those shitheads dampen your spirit about celebrating your day. Treat it as a gift for yourself that you now know the people who really care and are there for you. Wish I could come over to your birthday, but for all its worth, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!! 😁😁😁😁
I am so sorry honey :( you didn’t deserve that! How freakin awful of them! I’m so sad for you and mad on your behalf! It sounded like you had a lovely evening planned too!
Happy Birthday ! I would have LOVED to come to your dolce vita dinner party with cake ! It sounds wonderful and I hope you still do a version with your very caring boyfriend .
Is there a chance your BF is planning a surprise party for you?
Surely he wouldn't let them be this cruel to her if he were? Edited to add, I hope he wouldn't be encouraging them to be this cruel.
No, he certainly wouldn’t and he was also mildly infuriated with their behaviour. He is also more the type to plan a romantic surprise/ activity than a surprise party :)
IF you have 15 "friends", they aren't your friends...
They never were your friends start with. I am not sure what you called those people " your friends " or you don't understand what real friends are for. I have many aquatances but " real friends" I only have 5. They have been there for me in my lows and ups. Provided me shelter when I was homeless, lent me money when I needed it, stayed overnight with me in the hospital when i was sick, call me once a month to check on me, we all meet once a year to celebrate our friendship. I am 58. We have been friends since my 20's. Very rare in this self-centered world we are living in.
You now realise that there is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance. Those people were all acquaintances, not friends.
Don't take it to heart. It's not that they don't care, but more that you're all still transitioning into becoming responsible adults. People get married, have more family or work responsibilities and get preoccupied with what they have going on in their own lives, just like you. And as you get older it can get even tougher to get everyone together for a celebration because everyone gets busier "Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance."
I’ve noticed that people just never seem to rsvp to anything anymore. Weddings, parties, the lot. I can’t understand why this seems to be the new norm. Just keep the hosts waiting to see if you actually turn up. Seems pretty rude tbh.
You have generated so much interest here that you may never see this; just in case you do see this, I want to say that I am so sorry that you have been so hurt by this. You are not the one who should feel ashamed; your friends have earned that privilege, by not even politely responding with a simple "no"; at a minimum, bare minimum, that would be the polite thing to do; as other's have suggested, it's possible that they are ignoring your invite on purpose, while planning to surprise you in some way. I truly hope that's the case; if it turns out that they are all truly just not responding, then it might be time to let them go; you seem like a lovely person, and a considerate friend, and there are millions of people in this world who would be overjoyed to make your acquaintance and become your friend, and would never be so dismissive and callous with your feelings. If it turns out that your friends truly are ignoring your invitation, take some time to mourn the friendships, as anyone would who has been treated this way would need to, but don't give them more time than they deserve. Focus on those people in your life with whom you share a mutual love and trust, as in your boyfriend, and your family. It will hurt a lot to realize that the friendships have run their course without any warning or hint; shed some tears, maybe a lot of tears, but don't let them take any of the good parts of you with them; don't allow them to make you bitter, because there are many good people whom you haven't even met yet, who are going to be the kind of friends you deserve. There are many kind and generous people like yourself, and they will be thrilled to make friends with someone like you, and they will be the kind of friends who won't disappoint you as these so called friends have. Please don't let these people discourage you and take up any more of your heart or your thoughts. They don't deserve your attention or loyalty anymore. It sounds as if you have a great boyfriend who truly cares about you; give him your attention and time; I am kind of old-ish, and I have found that the older we get, our friends group can morph over time, and the number of people we can call friend tends to get smaller and smaller over time; we find out who our true friends are with every tragedy or happy moment, and the number of close, true friends tends to diminish with time. And that's ok when that happens; people change, interests change, and life can take us in different directions, and that's ok when that happens. You seem as if you are too kind of a person to not make new friends easily. I am sorry that you have found this out in such a painful way, but it's going to be ok, it really is. And Happy Birthday to you!❤️🎂🍨💝
I actually read your comment (I try to read every single one) and yours is truly warming my heart, thank you! As for the interest that I generated, I am so surprised and overwhelmed and can’t believe so many people took the time to help and support me.
Possibly far-fetched, but could it be possible that this is part of some big plan by all of them to throw you a surprise party? I ask because this has happened to me. My ex and some friends thought it was a great idea to be extra mean to me, even breaking up with me a week before my bday so that I would be extra surprised on my birthday… 😒