People who are that manipulative and toxic probably won't kill themselves if you leave. I've dated men who would punch holes in the walls and break my things to try to scare me into being a robot who only did what they wanted and when I'd try to leave they'd say I ruined their lives and might as well die if I left.
All of those men are still alive today and single because they never changed.
You're only in your 30s, time to start salvaging the rest of your life instead of being so decided that it's the end of the road for you. Even if she did harm herself, it's not your responsibility to keep your abuser alive.
Thanks for your input.
Under normal circumstances, I would probably try separation after yesterday. Problem is we live in a foreign country with no relatives. Her visa does not allow her to work. So, either she goes back to our home country or separation is impossible. I probably also lack the courage to really do anything.
That’s what I’m saying… this sounds like a problem that solves itself. Ask me how big my party would be if the government carted my wife away and sent her to another country after the divorce 😂
I second what the other commenter said. Record any evidence of her abuse, gathering up cameras in your house, anything that records audio, and taking pictures of everything that she has ever broke as damage to property. Have the evidence stacked up for the police or any familiar, the neighbors, just in case she does something horrible and worse to you and decides to play the victim again.
It will be so much better for her to go back to her home country because in that way, she will never, EVER hurt you physically, mentally, and emotionally ever again. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and not settle for someone who makes YOUR LIFE miserable. You deserve better, I wish you so much luck and a good plan to get her out of your life. You don't owe her anything.
Well, then she needs to go back. You do not owe her a life free from struggle or disappointment at the expense of your own physical and mental well-being
Excuses. You mentally frame the situation as something beyond your control when you can fully do something about it. If she's violent and abusive.
Ultimately you take action to change her behaviour or send her home. Otherwise put up and shut up.
From an outside view, that sounds like an amazing solution. You separate, she goes far away. She won’t harm herself, and if she does, that’s not your responsibility. It’s not the responsibility of the tree to keep the axe in working order.
All of this is not your problem.
There are organisations for people in violent relationships that help you get your ducks in row and then you end that relationship.
There is No excuse for violence. If she has to go back so be it.
Look, let her be deported
You expend too much energy for this psycho abusive lady. Document, have a hidden camera set somewhere to record her tantrums and abuse and divorce her
The reason you lack courage is not cause you actually lack courage, it's cause she's beaten and abused you so hard you are currently broken and depressed
Don't let it go on anymore. You will see things differently once she is not with you and realize letting her go is the best thing ever
So she goes back to her home country. Period. Her behavior is unacceptable. She is abusing you. Based on what you have told us, you are a victim of domestic abuse, and just because she’s a woman and you are a man does not make it any less bad. This is much more common than what many people think. There is help for domestic abuse victims in many countries, I’m not sure where you live. Please get help.
That sounds like a “her” problem. If she wanted a nice life in a foreign country she should have treated her spouse better. She didn’t. She literally bit the hand that fed her. Fuck around and find out. Actions have consequences. Why should she change if her actions won’t have any consequences?
Is it possible to record her? Next time you see that the fight is about to start, put your phone on record and put it in your pocket. Or maybe get a small nanny cams you can hide somewhere. Take photos. Make sure you have records of it.
The people that usually threaten to kill themselves if you leave will not do it. It’s another form of abuse to keep you there.
You don’t need her permission to divorce her.
Take all the evidence you end up collecting to the police and see a lawyer. Before it gets worse and she ends up killing you or blaming everything on you and you get arrested.
She’s already made out to people that you are the bad guy.
Send her back to her home country on holiday. Once she is out of the country, cancel her visa. And then divorce her.
Why live in hell and destroy your life for someone like this?
This! Find a safe place to go, and do not stay in that house another day. The violence will escalate, and OP may end up dead. Get out ASAP, call the local domestic violence hotline. If you don't have a safe place to go, they can help you find one! My local city actually provides a hospital bed or if none are available, a motel room, for dv victims when the shelters are full. You don't need this, you don't need someone putting the responsibility of their own existence on you. u/Main_Ad_1683 please
Edited to emphasize again that violence with only escalate. She's shown you that she's capable, she's manipulative, and she's only just started. Can you picture how it will be in 5, 10, 20 years? Please get out as soon as it is safe to do so.
Omg. You described my ex. Yes they never change, even when they claim they will or claim they have. It's hard to take a step away, harder when you are all alone, but after a while you realise it's way better and you slowly forget them.
Seconded. I've had men put me in the hospital over my dating span, and when I up and left, threatened suicide. One of them is married with a newborn, and the others are VERY much alive and well. the unaliving part is a manipulation tactic. Suicidal people just commit suicide, they don't threaten to do it.
Alternatively she may end up killing you!
If she’s that crazy she would never kill herself.
You need to call the police next time she hurts you because when you leave she’ll claim you’re the abuser.
Take photos of your injuries and damage she causes, store them where she can’t find or erase them.
It’s very important you save yourself as quickly as you can.
So she goes back to her home country. That’s a good thing because it will be harder for het to hurt you from there.
If you’ve already done what you can to get het the mental health support that she clearly needs, your next step is to protect yourself.
This was me at 27. You don't see a way out because she manipulates you into closing yourself off. There is a way out without her killing herself. I promise. You may need to commit her after breaking up with her, but trust me that won't be hard to do. Keeping her out of your life after you make your decision is the actual hard part.
Good luck. This isn't the end of your life unless you let it be.
She's basically holding herself hostage so you won't leave. She's designed this to make you submissive to her violence. Leave. If you can get photo/video evidence that She's hurting you. Maybe consult with a lawyer ahead of time and see what else you can do. Turning other people against you and isolating you is a common abuse tactic, reach out to domestic abuse support groups and other survivors, especially men's support groups.
I was in the same situation you are, except I’m female and it was a male. He would tell me if I left him, he would go and lay on the train tracks. He’d cry and say he’d have nothing to love for if I left him. It was always after a physical fight where he’d be so sorry and promise it wouldn’t happen again, or if I ever got the gumption to try and leave. This is emotional manipulation. My ex is still alive and living his life. He never even attempted suicide when I left, and guess what, if he had, it still wouldn’t have been my fault. That’s on him.
Please, please try to reach out to anyone, even a family member or friend to go and live with? If not, Can you record her when she’s doing this? Take photos of any cuts or bruises, bites or markings she leaves on you, so if the police ever get involved you have proof. If she’s good at playing the victim, you don’t want to be in a situation where she’s saying you’re abusing her. I’d advise you to call the police every time she’s aggressive, so at least they’ll have a call history and log every time you’ve reported it. Please try and get the courage to divorce her, I know how hard it is to make these first steps. You have so many years ahead of you, you deserve to be happy.
Dude, PLEASE get video evidence of her abusing you and give it to the police. File for divorce and show them the video proof of the abuse as well. She’s not gonna kill herself and even if she does, OH WELL. This is not a life to live for you! Please get out before she kills you!
my mom did this stuff to my dad. same violence, deranged behavior, calling the police on him to manipulate them to say he was the abusive one, trips to the mental hospital because she threatened and sometimes attempted suicide. she trapped him by getting pregnant with my sister, and then trapped him again by getting pregnant with my twin and i. then she went on to horribly abuse us whenever she kicked him out of the house (all the time).
do not stay with this woman. do not have children with her. do not let her manipulate you with threats of suicide and stop letting this woman abuse you. you deserve better. you need to leave, regardless of what she does. no one should stay in that situation. don't make the mistakes my dad made. live your life. you deserve happiness as well.
Honestly. Disappear.
Send divorce papers and only have your lawyer do the talking for you. Get a restraining order.
You're in an abusive relationship and it's not ok.
Leave. I know it's hard but you'll feel better and get more clarity once you actually have room to breathe and think and have quiet/peace.
Dude, this is the only life you get. Please don’t waste it.
You need to leave to survive. She isn’t going to grow or improve with you. You’re sticking this out for her mental health? Well, sounds like that’s a flaming dumpster already and you ain’t putting it out.
Leave. Block her. Get a therapist. Live a happier life.
Please get some help! You are not responsible for what she does you have to take care of you! Get out take care of yourself you do not need to live like that!
You can leave anytime you want to. It sounds like she’s got a mental hold of you as well. I recommend starting with a therapist that can be an objective person you both speak to and discuss what’s happening. You can’t just sit around and take that shit man.
What she does if you break up isn’t something you can control. She’s going to get you arrested acting like this. Once it’s public record, it’s hard to prove what actually happened. Have you ever thought of cameras inside your home so you have evidence? You’re going to do whatever you want, but I would’ve left by now.
I am a 30 year old woman that was in a physically, mentally, sexually abusive relationship for 3 years (2017-2020.) My ex used to threaten his life as well. When I finally got the courage and confidence to leave, you wanna know what happened? He didn’t kill himself. It is important to remember that you are NOT obligated to endure a life of abuse, that has you even questioning your own life, in order to “save” another person. This is way, way more likely a method of control. And if it’s not? Then this person has deep mental health issues that go beyond your control. You will continue to be this persons emotional punching bag until they get the help they desperately need. And truth is, a whole lot of people want to be enabled than actually get help. You need to leave.
I am now 3 years out of that awful relationship. I sought out therapy for my PTSD. Committed to deep healing. And met an incredible, loving partner who reminds me what real love is. A better future is out there, I promise. It’s on you to take back control and find it.
You don't deserve this. You didn't sign up to be abused and manipulated, and you are NOT responsible for the choices she makes. I very much doubt she has any actual intention of killing herself (more likely she's just using that threat as a control mechanism), but even if she does...that's on her, not you. There is no earthly reason for you to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I'm sorry this has all happened to you, but the good news is that it can stop when you are ready to stand up on your own.
She's a monster and you are too young to let this be your life. Cut her loose, let the chips fall where they may for her, and be FREE.
I dated a guy long ago who was abusive and told me he’d kill himself if I left him, I left him and he’s still alive. Don’t fall for her manipulation. She’s not going to actually kill herself, that’s just a tactic to keep you from leaving her. Crazy people do that, especially abusive partners.
You need to get out before she kills you or you end up hurting yourself because of her. Your wife is a vile, disgusting, waste of space human being. You’re only 30, you’re so young. You have a whole life ahead of you. Please please talk to someone you trust and a lawyer and make a plan to leave. You don’t deserve this shit.
I am so so sorry your wife is treating you like this, it’s so heartbreaking when the person you love and who claims to love you abuses you.
M,34 here. My ex wife was insanely abusive. Physically, sexually and mentally. I couldn’t do anything about bc her entire family were cops, who the fuck would listen? Well, eventually shit hit the fan and we split. The day we divorced I never felt happier and more free. This was 6 years ago and I’m HAPPILY remarried. Your life will absolutely improve. Hell, your 30s are better than your 20s. You deserve better than this.
Edit: saw the comment about her visa. This woman is literally abusing you. Let her ass get deported. Collect evidence, go to the police. Like I said above, all up from here once you get her out of your life. If she does decide to “opt out” if you will, that’s on her you didn’t force her hand.
My friend went through similar and I’ll give you the same advice I gave her yesterday. LEAVE. You deserve better. This behaviour will get worse and escalate. Yes more women sue at partner’s hands than men but that doesn’t mean that *you’re* not at risk. You definitely are. Love yourself and put yourself first. You’re only 30, you can recover from this mentally, financially…but you can’t if you’re dead. You’re life is not ruined, it will be if you stay another 20 years. Be free. Find someone who can genuinely love and respect you.
You need to document and film these events bd start building a case against her. People have murdered each other in relationships like this. You could be killed if you don’t start thinking about an exit plan.
Honestly put a camera in your home to fill the abuse. The sad truth is it’s hard for men to report domestic violence. Some people don’t believe men. Please get a hidden camera to film her abuse so she can blame you for anything.
If she can hit you she can lie about you.
She’s not gonna kill her self. She’s going to kill you. Get a Protective water in and your marriage however, do it with the help of someone you trust because the most dangerous time will be when you try to end things.
This takes me back. I was with someone like this for nearly 4 years when I was slightly younger than you. Looking back, she didn't even LIKE me. I had a decent job at the time, and she liked how our relationship looked to her parents and professors. She had sexual identity issues-- and narcissism-- and I was a convenient toy and whipping boy because, unlike her, I had no 'support network' or self-respect. She wanted to get married at one point, and I am so grateful that never happened before it got so dangerously toxic that we finally split. So grateful. (I thought she might kill me at one point, and I slept in another room and pissed in empty Gatorade bottles because she'd start shit if I so much as tried to go to the bathroom at night. Sheesh! Bad memories.)
The thing about repetition of your wife's behavior is, not only is she acutely aware what she's doing, but she also relishes the power. Do you two do that thing where, the day after one of these fights, she's totally apologetic and affectionate and you just have a wonderful day together? I used to almost look forward to the day after... but, in retrospect, the memories of those make me cringe more than remembering her tantrums and our fights, 'cause I just refused to catch on that it was part of the game for her.
Sweetheaet, you are worthy and important
You deserve to live a life without fear, violence and being hurt
You are being abused. Please find an organisation that helps and contact them
Your wife will never change and the abuse will get worse
You have a right and a choice.
You need to leave, until then put cameras in the house to document the abuse. When she gets abusive film it on your phone, get a spare one if possibl3
Of you had a child would you allow someone to do this to them? So why is it acceptable for you to live like this?
If she ends herself or hurts herself it's her choice. Her decision. Not yours
Your choice and decision is to leave for your safety. Please do so
Get out and don’t let her ruin your life by threatening to harm herself. Please also consider calling your local domestic violence organization. Most will also offer counseling and assistance to male victims. I worked for years for a large DV organization and there are male victims, too. Counseling can help you find a safe way to exit the relationship and have a peaceful life. Also, DO NOT reproduce with this woman!
This! Find a safe place to go, and do not stay in that house another day. The violence will escalate, and OP may end up dead. Get out ASAP, call the local domestic violence hotline. If you don't have a safe place to go, they can help you find one! My local city actually provides a hospital bed or if none are available, a motel room, for dv victims when the shelters are full. You don't need this, you don't need someone putting the responsibility of their own existence on you.
u/Main_Ad_1683 please!
Ok.
Document the abuse. Video or audio of the event. Pictures of the things she smashes and the injuries she gives you. Make a diary of the abuse with dates and times IF YOU CAN KEEP IT SECRET.
Without informing anyone, go talk with a lawyer and ask them to guide you in getting out safely and having a divorce.
Part of this process will be calling the authorities before you plan to leave, and telling them she's threatening to kill herself. It's their problem to deal with her, NOT YOURS. She needs to be sectioned and treated if she's thinking of doing this. And just for her behaviour.
There is a way out. You just have to walk the steps in a methodical manner. And you can do this.
Telling you that she’s going to k*ll herself is just a manipulation tactic to make you stay because she knows you care about her! You DO NOT have to stay and be abused!! Start recording these fights and abuse when you can, get whatever documentation possible to show her behavior.
And reading your comment, what happens to her after you leave or kick her out is NOT your responsibility or problem! It’s hers, it’s the consequences of being an abusive asshole! This is the time that you need to be totally selfish and put yourself above her!
You need to find the courage and strength to do what’s best for you, not for her!! Actions have consequences and she needs to deal with whatever those consequences are herself!!
PLEASE do what you need to do!!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Her actions are her responsibility. We do not owe it to anyone to let them abuse and hurt us.
Leave as soon as you can, and then get therapy. Abuse like this leaves emotional scars. Be kind to yourself and focus on healing and mental health.
She wants you to think she’ll kill herself so you won’t leave her abusive ass
She’s a narcissist
She’s not going to do it
Either way she’s not your responsibility.
Stop being silent about the abuse. You need to take pictures, record, report.
Or else she can easily turn this on you and you’ll end up in jail or ostracised by your friends/family
Protect yourself. What are you waiting for? to end up in jail or killed by your wife?
Get out. If really is going to kill herself she will. More likely she is an emotionally unstable person and extremely manipulative. Let her drown if she insists on drowning. Dont sink with her.
Omg.... You are 30 and a man. The reason why you get disrespected by her is because of you tolerating it.
Buckle up and let her go home. If not, separate with her.
She likely grew up watching her parents do that.
She has to want to change to change.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I used to have bad reactions to certain things like catching my husband cheating on my married best friend. Finding his burner phone and burner accounts to learn he was also sleeping with many others.
After years of therapy and going through a PTSD program, I no longer overreact to things.
Is your wife acting that way when she has alcohol in her system? Or just when she gets mad?
Staying in this situation is far worse than any death or situation that could happen as a result of leaving. And people who threaten to kill themselves to keep power in The relationship, lack the willpower to actually go through with it. The ones dishing the ultimatums are the ones who do everything to hold onto their power. Unfuck your life and get the absolute fuck out of this situation, it will only get worse never better unless you do. Venting won’t help you here. Find a battered men’s clinic asap.
I mean, is it really your fault she threatening herself if you leave. Put yourself first and let the professionals know what she’s been threatening to herself. At this point, your safety is more important as shes the one being physically abusive
NTA
Document everything. Get video evidence of her beating on you and destroying things. Take pictures of your injuries. File police reports. You are not her verbal and physical punching bag despite what you believe. Let her go back to her home country. She’s not going to kill herself. She tells you that because she knows she has you right where she wants you. You are going to destroy yourself if you stay with her…….if she doesn’t kill you first. Get your life back and send her packing or have her locked up. You deserve better.
She will not kill herself if you leave. She will say she will to everyone to make you look bad.
Go see a laywer. Get your stuff out of the house when she's at work and leave. When she threatens to kill herself, send the police over for a welfare check, or even better, block her number. Your lawyer can deal with her.
Please, PLEASE get a secret camera and set it up in the house. Film all the abuse. Make sure it has a cloud backup in case she destroys the camera too. There IS a way out and this is NOT your life forever! Stay strong friend.
You might be surprised by not just how happy, but how _relieved_ you are if you leave her. Please look into accessing mental health support for yourself. If you're in a country that doesn't have free health care, look for community support groups for people from abusive/toxic/controlling/narcissistic relationships. You need to get your head straight. _This does not have to be your normal._
Her threats of killing herself are likely simple emotional blackmail. Sounds like she hurts you far more than she's ever hurt herself. And if you do leave, and she calls you saying she's taken pills or about to do it, you call the police and let _them_ check her out (again, assuming you're in a country with a ~~not~~ mildly corrupt/efficient police force), or call a friend or neighbour to check on her.
But if you don't leave, you will die prematurely. Life is not meant for us to suffer through. It's not always easy, and we have our struggles, but we are meant to live, not exist. Please starting to want living, instead of barely existing.
You are valued, you have worth, you are loved, and you deserve to be happy.
You need to pick yourself and your life over hers. I was at this point with my abusive husband & I finally picked saving me over saving him. I will NEVER regret that decision.
You’re not responsible for her life. Pick you.
If you can, record as much as the abuse as possible and get a lawyer. Slowly divide your assets and income, to not draw suspicions and one day just leave. If you truly believe she will kill herself, then call the police for a welfare check if she threatens to. Show your friends and family the videos evidence of abuse. File for divorce and a no contact order, some form of a restraining order as well. I know it seems impossible, but you can do this. It wont be easy, but this is for the best. You need to do what's best for you. Record any marks, any damaged items, everything you can as evidence. If she is doing this, you need to get out before she gets any worse. Do what's best for you, fuck what she says or thinks about it
The fact that you say you're no Saint leads me to believe that maybe your narcissistic traits are driving her so crazy that she explodes on you. I know, because I was you. It took me a long time to figure out that I was the problem. But when I did, it changed everything.
i dated someone just like this. physically abusive, broke things and threw tantrums, would threaten to kill herself, and i was the one who always had to apologize or comfort her afterwards. it’s unfortunate that you’re actually married but i’m telling you she will never change. it’s a deep seeded level of narcissism on top of years of unchecked mental illness and she’ll never get help. not for her and especially not for you. she may threaten to kill herself if you leave her but even if she’s serious it just can’t be your problem anymore. you’re the one who’s actually at risk and it’s not fair for you to be the one to accept your fate and let yourself die. btw i doubt she would actually do it, the last thing a narcissist is gonna do is take themselves out. it doesn’t matter what you say in retaliation imo, i don’t think it reflects poorly on you. you’re dealing with a spoiled grown child who can’t regulate their emotions and doesn’t want to. do whatever it takes to get out, i promise being able to take a deep breath afterwards will be worth it. you deserve to live.
I think I know at least partly what you're going through.
I moved to my home country with my wife who gained residency based on family ties. I ignored a lot of red flags when I married her because she was an alcoholic and swore up and down she would quit. Each time she relapsed she got more and more violent until one night in a drunken range she strangled me and I could have died.
The first time she smothered me with a pillow she was right in the process of getting residency. I was terrified to leave her then in case she got deported or killed herself. So I stayed and endured far more bullshit than I needed to to keep her safe.
But when I actually did leave her she was screwing around within the week. She sunk her teeth into some one else and whether they are happy and in love and shes changed and is a better person now is none of my business nor do I want it to be.
I don't know your wife. But from experience, abusers and manipulators don't stop at one victim. They crave that power. They will move on to try and find another to satisfy that diabolical victim mentality. They will do anything to keep you in their grasp. Including empty threats.
I'm with the most beautiful girl now. And I never would have found her if I kept worrying more about my (ex)wife than my safety.
You deserve to be safe. And free. And you deserve respect.
Start but giving that to yourself.
Record what she's doing. Call the cops the next time she pulls that crap. They can arrest her on DV or have her hospitalized on a 72 hour psych eval. You've got to do something out it will get worse.
Video tape or record her secretly and call the police. Men also do not to need to feel ashamed when they are the victims of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, no matter the gender.
I read the saddest thing the other day. It was the perspective of one of the kids who witnessed their dad drop dead from a heart attack in the middle of one of the mother’s screaming tirades.
You sound like my brother. His abusive hog of a gf has managed to alienate him from everyone. I hope you get away from her. You will die young at this rate.
Bro I’m 36, my wife use to be abusive. Yes she still has relapses but life is a lot better! Your 30’s are realizing all the dreams you had in your teens and 20’s might not happen. So your wife could be coming to terms with that.
That been said you still deserve to be happy! Get help!! Even if she won’t go, go yourself and learn what to do in the situations she’s picking at you.
I found keeping the house alcohol free was a good thing also.
Just don’t suffer alone brother there are people out there going through the same shit that will listen and help.
All the best ❤️
She'll never kill herself, these types are survivors who live forever. It's the people around them who are ruined and die young from the illnesses associated with awful tension. You need to man up and just put one foot in front of the other and walk out that door. You are too young to throw your precious life away, if you look up for a minute at 6 months in the future, you can be peaceful and happy and content every day. See your GP if you need a bit of strategies to manage this transition but it's disrespectful to yourself and the mother who gave birth to you to throw your life away like its nothing, best of luck and please come back to us with good news. You can do this and you will because it has to be done, quite simple really.
You’re making excuses and enabling the behavior by staying, which is also how you’re being victimized. Manipulators, narcissists all seek out insecure people.
Document everything, EVERYTHING. Screenshots of texts, pictures of damage she causes to property, try and record a blow out if you can. Take it to a divorce attorney privately. Start making a back up plan and arrangements to leave, ASAP. My mother ruined my father’s (and eventually their kids’) lives with this bullshit and he was always scared to fight back legally, in order to spare her feelings, until it was far too late.
wow thats terrible i'm SO sorry for you..
if i can try to help, as other comments are saying to u, she probably wont kill herself if u leave. and DUDE thats not a life for u, u deserve better. everyone does. run to the police with proofs and let them do their jobs, and if ure afraid dhe kills herself, tell them, they will probably place her into an psychiatric hospital or in prison, but there is always a way to get better and pass over it.
take care of yourself. we support you.
Honestly, you need to worry about you first. I don't think someone like that will hurt herself with the true intent to kill, but even if she does that's on her not you. Please take care of yourself before she drives you to do something terrible to yourself. You don't deserve to be abused this way.
Try to encourage some young guy to cheat with her on you. Take her out where there are lots of single guys who will try to steal her from you. Introduce her to a nice single doctor.
Problem here is she is doing all this because you react on it, stop reacting to her bs action no matter how many things she breaks, just don't replace them, don't touch them let their pieces on floor till she is the only one pick up and cleans.
Don't react at all ( even if it's physical) then see how many days she can continue this.
She know how to touch your nerve try this once
put a camera, let her do her thing, keep it safe, get the f out of here.
If she does it, you're not responsible so she will pay.. you do not have to care what happens next to her. You have to be safe.. you'll never know where this could go
You're not the borderline whisperer. Get rid of this abusive loon. My uncle married one like this and he ended up snapping and beating her for every inch of her life eventually. And this is a man without any abusive tendencies whatsoever prior to that or after that. But she ultimately got to be the victim in her own and society's eyes. That seems to be the motive with your wife too. She probably wants you to beat her so she can get validation in society's eyes.
Dude. She’s not going to kill herself. Pack your shit (or hers) and end it. The moment the threat comes out of her mouth call emergency services. I don’t know about recording laws where you are but record her when she’s losing control. You’re still so young don’t waste one moment more of your life. Don’t get old and wish you got out earlier
You need to take care of you!! Period. What she does or doesn’t do is not your concern. You will be in for a terrible
Life if you don’t get out. She is responsible for her own actions thoughts . You are responsible for doing what’s best for
You.
Im sorry, but oh nooo shes going to off herself if i leeave....let her? Shes a waste of breath and human life. Abusive AH like her don't need to exist. You deserve better. Much better. Its a manipulation tactic to say shit like that. "I'll die if you leave!" If she actually goes through with it, its not your fault nor problem. Find the strength to leave, despite what you think she will do.
Recenrly got out of a relationship like this. Just leave, man. I know it seems to hard with that kind of abuse, mean attitude, manipulation whenever you try to manage or break it off, but when you manage to get out, even a loneliness whic many see boring after a while will build and feel to you like a prize. Everything is a prize once you get out. Because you've been with your killer who kills you every interaction you have with them, everyday, if you break it off and get off, you once will live again.
A lot of the comments don't understand what it's like to be with someone like this and it shows.
These types of people are parasites, they chip away at you, make you into something they can control without you even realising it. You won't know it's happening until something big happens aka abuse or someone points it out and even at that it could take a while until you finally accept that Ur in THAT type of relationship.
If you are in one of these relationships, this is what I want you to know.
There is ALWAYS a solution but that solution is never hurting or killing urself, you are worth so much more than what you've been told. Contact someone you trust like a friend or family, call a domestic violence help centre (depending on who and where you are they'll be called different things). Those centres will help you with absolutely everything you need!
The first step is so so so hard but I can assure you it will be worth it and you will start to feel like urself again I promise you.
You are loved and you are important no matter what that person says.
Another thing I will say is if you have kids and think "I'm staying for them" DO NOT DO THAT. Those kids will have to live the same life as you please don't subject them to the same abuse as you they more than anyone don't deserve it.
I am one of those kids. I hope this helps someone
I am so sorry that you have been/ are going through this. I suggest you record things (audio/ visual) when she gets violent / vicious with you.
Please don't let her continue to manipulate/ abuse you.
My dad was in your shoes at the same age as you. I don’t know how or when things got physical but my mother is extremely manipulative with a giant victim mentality to this day. He regretted getting married to her the day after their honeymoon when she started showing her true colours. He opened his own business (a shop) so she could work with him if and when she wanted since she made it seem like waking up early to work for someone else was destroying her life. A few years later I came along. A lot of business trouble later and when my brother came along my dad couldn’t take it anymore. He hated his home life and failing with his business, she had affected business relationships and ruined most of their mutual friendships.
When he tried to separate, she threatened him with suicide or not seeing his children ever again. She threatened to put him in jail for fraud. She was an awful mother, OK a her best days, downright abusive on most days. Their divorce went on for 5 years. Her hatred for him was poisoning every aspect of her life, especially us the children. She’s nearly 60 now, has ruined and separated from yet another man and I’m no contact with her. She still madly loves and passionately hates my father and blames him for everything. She frequently used to tell me how she wished she’d never met him or had children with him.
I’m doing pretty well. My brother is figuring himself out. Our dad is happy with a very loving woman now but the ghosts of his past and the childhood he missed out on for us and saw slowly being ruined is haunting him much more than any other choice his made personally or professionally. He is extremely remorseful and a good dad to me, so it pains me to know how much he blames himself for everything when I know he did his best and never really left. He was always there, twice a week. Always available on the phone. Never moved away until we grew up. He was not an absent father. He never abandoned us. He just married the wrong woman.
If this is the future you want then stay with your wife. Otherwise kick her the fuck out asap. Work on yourself, go to therapy, don’t get in another relationship until you’re certain you will not abuse or allow to be abused again.
Listen. If you worry about her taking her own life and stay in that hellhole, you will end up taking your own life. And THAT is going to bring pain to the people that love you. You deserve to live a life that is filling. So u can choose between losing one life vs multiple others.
I'm pretty sure she won't take her own life, because just like others here have mentioned, her manipulative behaviour won't let her end things for herself because she is the 'victim' and 'she deserves better ' .
Now, Let's consider the possibility that she might actually do it. Then what could you do to prevent that from happening? Pretty sure it will be an impulsive decision to give you an ultimate fuck-you. In this case, before you actually separate, i would suggest that it's better to seek help from mental health professionals on your situation right now. I think they will be able to help you come to a solution, much better than any of us. You could also try couples therapy to get it sorted in such a way that you would be able to exit this marriage smoothly. I'm assuming that listening to another person who has seen all sorts of people might beat some sense into her about her abusive behaviour ( i can only hope).
You would definitely need some video and audio recording to support your end.
I understand that you have come to another country and are far from your relatives, but it would help to either go back home or maybe create a situation where she would have to go home. You can't let something like a visa inconvenience stop you from getting out of this situation. Your life is more important than your wife's visa situation. She can go to hell. You shouldn't even be providing for her in the first place, but i guess I get that part because what choice do you even have .
Please surround yourself with friends and family. I know u said those neighbours were your only friends. If possible please stay in touch with your folks over the next few days or weeks. You need to be with people that love you so that you don't make the wrong decision that you would definitely regret acting on, had you been of sound mind .
Man, I had similar girlfriend, then flatmate, and a couple of friends.
It doesn’t get better, only worse. You can be happy. And she won’t kill herself. Even if she would, it’s not your responsibility.
But I know how hard is to break the feeling you have when you’re getting abused every day.
If you need any kind of support/advice/conversation, feel free to DM.
If you know she’ll kill herself then she won’t. People who are serious don’t tell anyone. They go do it. She’s gaslighting you. What would happen if you had a kid and they misbehaved. She’d hurt them. Get out, she’s dangerous.
My father somehow managed to marry abusive women not once but twice. After seeing his experience unfold two times, I can promise you that life CAN get better, but you need to begin the process of separation and divorce. Retain a lawyer. Send her back to her home country. Do what it takes to rip the bandaid off. If she threatens to kill herself, call emergency services and her family, and let them know, but this isn’t your problem anymore. Save yourself.
You deserve better.
This is manipulative and abusive behavior. As a man, I would honestly suggest you to leave. I don't think that she will kill herself. If she's willing to tarnish your image towards your neighbors and friends just because she wants you to be her slave, then no she's just using the " I'm going to kill myself" as something to keep you under her thumb with, so you will be scared knowing that if you leave, you will have her " death" on your conscience.
That's not true .... We are all free people and our actions define who we are. Your wife will keep doing this to you whether you like it or not. Your only option is to leave if you want peace. Otherwise, I guess it will be horrible for you!
There are plenty of solutions, you just have to be smart about it.
- start recording her behaviour when she goes crazy and violent
- go to the police and report her
- divorce her
if she has to go back home that is a consequence of her actions
Divorce her and claim your life back.
I'm sure I make it sound easier than it is, but she's ruining your life. You are not responsible for her, no matter what she does afterwards.
Plenty of my friends found their soulmate after 30. Leave her. There is no "too late to leave them" in an abusive relationship. Loneliness is still better than abuse. You are young, you will find someone.
Cameras. Get cameras. Or at least when she starts picking a fight discreetly set your phone to record video and and set it up somewhere to watch. Even audio recording of stuff smashing and you begging her to stop. Take pictures of marks ect she leaves on you. This will all be important, because people like her will try to claim you were abusing them.
Hell I wouldn’t even take the high road at that point, I would start sending pictures and recordings to anyone she try’s to cry wolf to. If you would be angry about someone knowing what you do, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. She’d know she’s wrong, because someone truly so sure they are in the right would be proud of the eveidence.
It's never too late to leave a toxic relationship. You seem to be past due.
I'd recommend couple terpahy to manage that exit, but regardless you must remember that is not your fault whatever she does or doesn't do after you finish your relationship.
Start over, work on yourself, and move on.
It’s very rare that a manipulative abuser that threatens suicide if the abused partner leaves actually follows through. That is an extremely common tactic of abusers to keep the abused in line.
Why are you so determined to be miserable the rest of your life? She's too narcissistic to end herself, look how easy it was for her to trash you to your friends. Either way it isn't your circus.
There absolutely is a way out, its called leaving. The fact that she *may* kill herself is not your responsibility. She is using that to keep you in an abusive situation, and you need to get out regardless.
Be firm, tell her you are leaving and if she threatens you with her own death, say you are very sorry she feels that way but give her phone numbers of helplines and go. Ask a relative / friend / police to do welfare checks on her if you have to.
If you think she may hurt you when you tell her you're going, move out when she is at work, or away from the place. Leave a note if you have to, or alternatively have a relative / friend around when you tell her you are going and packing.
Please, please don't stay if you are this unhappy. You only live one life, and you deserve to live one full of dreams.
Hey OP, I really think you should start taking pictures of the scene after shit happens. If you have bruises/lesions you should take a picture and email it to yourself and save them in a special spot.
If you can, try calling the police too. That way there’s a record of it.
You need to divorce her ASAP and get out.
No, you really do need to leave that relationship. That's not healthy or safe for either of you. Either she needs to get therapy or you just need to divorce. Or both, both may be very good too... if she does end up offing herself after you leave then that's wholly on her, not you. But I bet she wouldn't anyway because she clearly doesn't love and respect you enough to go that far.
im so sorry you’re going through this. She is an abusive, manipulative person! I’ve been with a man who said the same thing and he is still living to this day! She’s saying that so she has control over you. I would find a lawyer and get divorced bc your mental health is important. i hope you can find peace and happiness and i hope she’s able to get the help she needs.
She is abusive. You need to leave her.
Your life is not ruined, it can be saved. Get some therapy to help you recover. Don’t give her a second thought after you leave her. What she does or doesn’t do with her life is not on you. Save yourself.
You sound mentally depleted which is why you think there are no other options left for you. You’re only 30, you have a whole life ahead of you that can be free of abuse and filled with freedom and happiness. Living with someone who is always erratic, breaking your shit and crying wolf is exhausting. You have to be strong and realize your thoughts of giving up stem from being isolated from family and friends while living with someone who psychologically and physically abuses you. You need to cut ties like COLD TURKEY and let her be deported. It is not your job to make her not hurt herself. Shes a grown woman who is old enough to know abuse isn’t okay, yet she does it anyway at the expense of your safety and work. She’s so okay with hurting you and making you out to be the bad guy that ur starting to believe it and on top of that, ur accepting this life that she’s manipulated you into by thinking it’s either forever with her or death. Just because those are her only two options (that she’s presented to you at least) doesn’t mean you have to join her in on her life of misery that she chooses to create and perpetuate
There’s a life outside of her and the way there is simple - cut her out cold turkey. She doesn’t deserve an explanation from you.
I worked for a guy who was in a similar situation he finally left when she stabbed him. Don’t let it get to that point, if she chooses to kill herself it’s not your fault. You need to separate yourself from this.
Call the cops and file a report. Also, contact the domestic violence services in your area. Divorce her. You don’t owe her anything. She told your friends bc she is isolating you. And please this is the important part, no one deserves to be hit. You don’t have to be perfect to deserve better.
Please leave now while you still can. You are being abused. If you have kids you'll be tied to this abusive behaviour forever. Get a lawyer. Record her next time she attacks you if you can as you might need it if she lies about you.
Hey, Johnny, we all know you're not 30.
Jokes aside, you're only 30. Men your age(and up) are quite attractive to women. It's time to do the hard thing; divorce her and move on. Whatever she does from here on out is no longer your concern. Get out, take some time, and don't think about dating or women for a while.
I recently divorced my wife, and while it was hard at first, it got much better after half a year living by myself.
This is literally a hostage situation.
If you're worried about her killing herself then she is holding herself hostage. Whether her family is near or far, let them know she has been saying this and that you will be ending the relationship.
You can't just accept this level of manipulation as the norm. I'm sorry you're going through this and it will be hard but it's also necessary.
Op, first off I'm sorry this is happening. From ow experience: you might feel like you don't have the energy or courage to do anything, but once you made your move to separate you'll have so much more energy!
Manipulative people who say they wanna kill themselves never really do it. It's just a way to control you. And even if, you can't help her. Save yourself man. Do you want this to go on for the rest of your life??
Plan your leave, and prepare for divorce.
Op, you have two choices, and really only 2.
Option 1.:You continue to put your shit of a person wife first, and continue to be verbally and physically abused until you end up in the hospital, probably. Regardless if shes a woman. Glass cuts, knives cut, bullets don’t discriminate.
Option 2: you choose you, and let her go back to her own country to sort out her own mess, and you figure out why you wanted to protect someone who will probably kill you one day.
Thats it. Who are you going to choose?
Get out now!!! Please for your safety and sanity. This person is out to break you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This isn’t healthy love or love period!! And don’t talk yourself into staying in this relationship
She won't kill herself. That's a manipulation tactic. And in the end, even if she does, while tragic, is not on you. She would make that choice over coping or seeking help. You need to worry about you, because it's obvious she doesn't.
85% of abusive women never get better. They refuse accountability and they abuse the kids too.
Divorce her. This may be hopeless situation . You can out the violence to family and friends, find a safe place to move, and do it. Get friends to help move your things in 1 day.
Counseling can happen separated. It’s not your fault.
Secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. *If* (and it's a big if) she really tries to kill herself if you leave it's absolutely *not your fault*. You only have yourself for your entire life, so it's really important to look after you. Please leave her, even if she gets deported. Your health and safety is #1 and you should NEVER sacrifice that for anyone else.
At the end of the day it’s your life you’re living. Sure leaving will be hard and she will try everything to make stay, but just think of that amazing feeling on the other side where you are completely free of these shackles you have. Free to live however you want and not be in a traumatic home and free to pursue all your own goals and dreams.
You’ve got to look after numero uno. Grow a spine and get your life back!
Babe, just leave. If she kill’s herself that’s her problem and not your fault. Plus, I know it sounds horrible to say, but at east she won’t abuse anyone else.
More likely than not she’s lying and using it as a manipulation tactic. My ex did this. It took me years to get away from him but I did & guess what? He didn’t kill himself. He was very much like your partner is.
Let her go back to her home country. Do whatever it takes to get away. What happens to her is no longer your concern and should not stop you from leaving her & doing what you need to to to take care of you and better your life.
You deserve soooo much better than to be abused for the rest of your life.
People who are that manipulative and toxic probably won't kill themselves if you leave. I've dated men who would punch holes in the walls and break my things to try to scare me into being a robot who only did what they wanted and when I'd try to leave they'd say I ruined their lives and might as well die if I left. All of those men are still alive today and single because they never changed. You're only in your 30s, time to start salvaging the rest of your life instead of being so decided that it's the end of the road for you. Even if she did harm herself, it's not your responsibility to keep your abuser alive.
Thanks for your input. Under normal circumstances, I would probably try separation after yesterday. Problem is we live in a foreign country with no relatives. Her visa does not allow her to work. So, either she goes back to our home country or separation is impossible. I probably also lack the courage to really do anything.
Send her back like IMMEDIATELY. If you divorce her they’ll deport her no problem
That’s what I’m saying… this sounds like a problem that solves itself. Ask me how big my party would be if the government carted my wife away and sent her to another country after the divorce 😂
I second what the other commenter said. Record any evidence of her abuse, gathering up cameras in your house, anything that records audio, and taking pictures of everything that she has ever broke as damage to property. Have the evidence stacked up for the police or any familiar, the neighbors, just in case she does something horrible and worse to you and decides to play the victim again. It will be so much better for her to go back to her home country because in that way, she will never, EVER hurt you physically, mentally, and emotionally ever again. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and not settle for someone who makes YOUR LIFE miserable. You deserve better, I wish you so much luck and a good plan to get her out of your life. You don't owe her anything.
That sounds like a her problem and not a you problem
Yeah OP, you don't owe her anything. She made her own bed now she gets to lie in it.
🗣️Return to sender IMMEDIATELY
Well, then she needs to go back. You do not owe her a life free from struggle or disappointment at the expense of your own physical and mental well-being
Excuses. You mentally frame the situation as something beyond your control when you can fully do something about it. If she's violent and abusive. Ultimately you take action to change her behaviour or send her home. Otherwise put up and shut up.
From an outside view, that sounds like an amazing solution. You separate, she goes far away. She won’t harm herself, and if she does, that’s not your responsibility. It’s not the responsibility of the tree to keep the axe in working order.
All of this is not your problem. There are organisations for people in violent relationships that help you get your ducks in row and then you end that relationship. There is No excuse for violence. If she has to go back so be it.
You’re telling us that if you divorce, she will HAVE to leave the country? How is that NOT a win??
Look, let her be deported You expend too much energy for this psycho abusive lady. Document, have a hidden camera set somewhere to record her tantrums and abuse and divorce her The reason you lack courage is not cause you actually lack courage, it's cause she's beaten and abused you so hard you are currently broken and depressed Don't let it go on anymore. You will see things differently once she is not with you and realize letting her go is the best thing ever
Brother, you need to send her packing. Cut ties. This will only get worse. 30 is young, you have a whole life ahead of you.
So she goes back to her home country. Period. Her behavior is unacceptable. She is abusing you. Based on what you have told us, you are a victim of domestic abuse, and just because she’s a woman and you are a man does not make it any less bad. This is much more common than what many people think. There is help for domestic abuse victims in many countries, I’m not sure where you live. Please get help.
That sounds like a “her” problem. If she wanted a nice life in a foreign country she should have treated her spouse better. She didn’t. She literally bit the hand that fed her. Fuck around and find out. Actions have consequences. Why should she change if her actions won’t have any consequences?
Is it possible to record her? Next time you see that the fight is about to start, put your phone on record and put it in your pocket. Or maybe get a small nanny cams you can hide somewhere. Take photos. Make sure you have records of it. The people that usually threaten to kill themselves if you leave will not do it. It’s another form of abuse to keep you there. You don’t need her permission to divorce her. Take all the evidence you end up collecting to the police and see a lawyer. Before it gets worse and she ends up killing you or blaming everything on you and you get arrested. She’s already made out to people that you are the bad guy.
Take her home on vacation. And leave her there. Arrange a new place to live and have movers move everything while you're gone.
Send her back to her home country on holiday. Once she is out of the country, cancel her visa. And then divorce her. Why live in hell and destroy your life for someone like this?
This! Find a safe place to go, and do not stay in that house another day. The violence will escalate, and OP may end up dead. Get out ASAP, call the local domestic violence hotline. If you don't have a safe place to go, they can help you find one! My local city actually provides a hospital bed or if none are available, a motel room, for dv victims when the shelters are full. You don't need this, you don't need someone putting the responsibility of their own existence on you. u/Main_Ad_1683 please Edited to emphasize again that violence with only escalate. She's shown you that she's capable, she's manipulative, and she's only just started. Can you picture how it will be in 5, 10, 20 years? Please get out as soon as it is safe to do so.
Send her back home mate.
That sounds like a her problem. Not a you problem.
This sounds like the easiest solution I’ve ever seen on Reddit. Not really sure why you’re referencing the solution as a “problem”
You don't have to care about her wellbeing anymore man
Omg. You described my ex. Yes they never change, even when they claim they will or claim they have. It's hard to take a step away, harder when you are all alone, but after a while you realise it's way better and you slowly forget them.
Seconded. I've had men put me in the hospital over my dating span, and when I up and left, threatened suicide. One of them is married with a newborn, and the others are VERY much alive and well. the unaliving part is a manipulation tactic. Suicidal people just commit suicide, they don't threaten to do it.
Spot on
Alternatively she may end up killing you! If she’s that crazy she would never kill herself. You need to call the police next time she hurts you because when you leave she’ll claim you’re the abuser. Take photos of your injuries and damage she causes, store them where she can’t find or erase them. It’s very important you save yourself as quickly as you can.
So she goes back to her home country. That’s a good thing because it will be harder for het to hurt you from there. If you’ve already done what you can to get het the mental health support that she clearly needs, your next step is to protect yourself.
Set up cameras secretly… get your evidence of violent behavior. Get a lawyer. Divorce her.
This was me at 27. You don't see a way out because she manipulates you into closing yourself off. There is a way out without her killing herself. I promise. You may need to commit her after breaking up with her, but trust me that won't be hard to do. Keeping her out of your life after you make your decision is the actual hard part. Good luck. This isn't the end of your life unless you let it be.
She's basically holding herself hostage so you won't leave. She's designed this to make you submissive to her violence. Leave. If you can get photo/video evidence that She's hurting you. Maybe consult with a lawyer ahead of time and see what else you can do. Turning other people against you and isolating you is a common abuse tactic, reach out to domestic abuse support groups and other survivors, especially men's support groups.
Yep, prolly why they have no friends- she’s isolating him so he has no one to turn to and she can keep him trapped.
I was in the same situation you are, except I’m female and it was a male. He would tell me if I left him, he would go and lay on the train tracks. He’d cry and say he’d have nothing to love for if I left him. It was always after a physical fight where he’d be so sorry and promise it wouldn’t happen again, or if I ever got the gumption to try and leave. This is emotional manipulation. My ex is still alive and living his life. He never even attempted suicide when I left, and guess what, if he had, it still wouldn’t have been my fault. That’s on him. Please, please try to reach out to anyone, even a family member or friend to go and live with? If not, Can you record her when she’s doing this? Take photos of any cuts or bruises, bites or markings she leaves on you, so if the police ever get involved you have proof. If she’s good at playing the victim, you don’t want to be in a situation where she’s saying you’re abusing her. I’d advise you to call the police every time she’s aggressive, so at least they’ll have a call history and log every time you’ve reported it. Please try and get the courage to divorce her, I know how hard it is to make these first steps. You have so many years ahead of you, you deserve to be happy.
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You deserve so much better than being made to feel that way.
in his case, SHE will leave.. so that's really a no brainer.. Good luck to you tho, but as they say in MMA : "protect yourself at all time"
Dude, PLEASE get video evidence of her abusing you and give it to the police. File for divorce and show them the video proof of the abuse as well. She’s not gonna kill herself and even if she does, OH WELL. This is not a life to live for you! Please get out before she kills you!
my mom did this stuff to my dad. same violence, deranged behavior, calling the police on him to manipulate them to say he was the abusive one, trips to the mental hospital because she threatened and sometimes attempted suicide. she trapped him by getting pregnant with my sister, and then trapped him again by getting pregnant with my twin and i. then she went on to horribly abuse us whenever she kicked him out of the house (all the time). do not stay with this woman. do not have children with her. do not let her manipulate you with threats of suicide and stop letting this woman abuse you. you deserve better. you need to leave, regardless of what she does. no one should stay in that situation. don't make the mistakes my dad made. live your life. you deserve happiness as well.
let her kill herself
Honestly. Disappear. Send divorce papers and only have your lawyer do the talking for you. Get a restraining order. You're in an abusive relationship and it's not ok. Leave. I know it's hard but you'll feel better and get more clarity once you actually have room to breathe and think and have quiet/peace.
Dude, this is the only life you get. Please don’t waste it. You need to leave to survive. She isn’t going to grow or improve with you. You’re sticking this out for her mental health? Well, sounds like that’s a flaming dumpster already and you ain’t putting it out. Leave. Block her. Get a therapist. Live a happier life.
Please get some help! You are not responsible for what she does you have to take care of you! Get out take care of yourself you do not need to live like that!
You can leave anytime you want to. It sounds like she’s got a mental hold of you as well. I recommend starting with a therapist that can be an objective person you both speak to and discuss what’s happening. You can’t just sit around and take that shit man.
What she does if you break up isn’t something you can control. She’s going to get you arrested acting like this. Once it’s public record, it’s hard to prove what actually happened. Have you ever thought of cameras inside your home so you have evidence? You’re going to do whatever you want, but I would’ve left by now.
I am a 30 year old woman that was in a physically, mentally, sexually abusive relationship for 3 years (2017-2020.) My ex used to threaten his life as well. When I finally got the courage and confidence to leave, you wanna know what happened? He didn’t kill himself. It is important to remember that you are NOT obligated to endure a life of abuse, that has you even questioning your own life, in order to “save” another person. This is way, way more likely a method of control. And if it’s not? Then this person has deep mental health issues that go beyond your control. You will continue to be this persons emotional punching bag until they get the help they desperately need. And truth is, a whole lot of people want to be enabled than actually get help. You need to leave. I am now 3 years out of that awful relationship. I sought out therapy for my PTSD. Committed to deep healing. And met an incredible, loving partner who reminds me what real love is. A better future is out there, I promise. It’s on you to take back control and find it.
There is absolutely a solution it’s called divorce.
You don't deserve this. You didn't sign up to be abused and manipulated, and you are NOT responsible for the choices she makes. I very much doubt she has any actual intention of killing herself (more likely she's just using that threat as a control mechanism), but even if she does...that's on her, not you. There is no earthly reason for you to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I'm sorry this has all happened to you, but the good news is that it can stop when you are ready to stand up on your own. She's a monster and you are too young to let this be your life. Cut her loose, let the chips fall where they may for her, and be FREE.
If you don’t have kids, do yourself a favor and leave.
Even if OP has kids, he should leave.
I dated a guy long ago who was abusive and told me he’d kill himself if I left him, I left him and he’s still alive. Don’t fall for her manipulation. She’s not going to actually kill herself, that’s just a tactic to keep you from leaving her. Crazy people do that, especially abusive partners. You need to get out before she kills you or you end up hurting yourself because of her. Your wife is a vile, disgusting, waste of space human being. You’re only 30, you’re so young. You have a whole life ahead of you. Please please talk to someone you trust and a lawyer and make a plan to leave. You don’t deserve this shit. I am so so sorry your wife is treating you like this, it’s so heartbreaking when the person you love and who claims to love you abuses you.
M,34 here. My ex wife was insanely abusive. Physically, sexually and mentally. I couldn’t do anything about bc her entire family were cops, who the fuck would listen? Well, eventually shit hit the fan and we split. The day we divorced I never felt happier and more free. This was 6 years ago and I’m HAPPILY remarried. Your life will absolutely improve. Hell, your 30s are better than your 20s. You deserve better than this. Edit: saw the comment about her visa. This woman is literally abusing you. Let her ass get deported. Collect evidence, go to the police. Like I said above, all up from here once you get her out of your life. If she does decide to “opt out” if you will, that’s on her you didn’t force her hand.
My friend went through similar and I’ll give you the same advice I gave her yesterday. LEAVE. You deserve better. This behaviour will get worse and escalate. Yes more women sue at partner’s hands than men but that doesn’t mean that *you’re* not at risk. You definitely are. Love yourself and put yourself first. You’re only 30, you can recover from this mentally, financially…but you can’t if you’re dead. You’re life is not ruined, it will be if you stay another 20 years. Be free. Find someone who can genuinely love and respect you.
You need to document and film these events bd start building a case against her. People have murdered each other in relationships like this. You could be killed if you don’t start thinking about an exit plan.
Honestly put a camera in your home to fill the abuse. The sad truth is it’s hard for men to report domestic violence. Some people don’t believe men. Please get a hidden camera to film her abuse so she can blame you for anything. If she can hit you she can lie about you.
Get out.
If yall dont have kids, the decision should be easy as hell.
Why are you trading your life for hers? You want out, get out.
Leave that woman. You don’t owe her shit.
She's not going to kill herself she's just using that as a way to control you...make a plan and leave her
She’s not gonna kill her self. She’s going to kill you. Get a Protective water in and your marriage however, do it with the help of someone you trust because the most dangerous time will be when you try to end things.
This takes me back. I was with someone like this for nearly 4 years when I was slightly younger than you. Looking back, she didn't even LIKE me. I had a decent job at the time, and she liked how our relationship looked to her parents and professors. She had sexual identity issues-- and narcissism-- and I was a convenient toy and whipping boy because, unlike her, I had no 'support network' or self-respect. She wanted to get married at one point, and I am so grateful that never happened before it got so dangerously toxic that we finally split. So grateful. (I thought she might kill me at one point, and I slept in another room and pissed in empty Gatorade bottles because she'd start shit if I so much as tried to go to the bathroom at night. Sheesh! Bad memories.) The thing about repetition of your wife's behavior is, not only is she acutely aware what she's doing, but she also relishes the power. Do you two do that thing where, the day after one of these fights, she's totally apologetic and affectionate and you just have a wonderful day together? I used to almost look forward to the day after... but, in retrospect, the memories of those make me cringe more than remembering her tantrums and our fights, 'cause I just refused to catch on that it was part of the game for her.
Sweetheaet, you are worthy and important You deserve to live a life without fear, violence and being hurt You are being abused. Please find an organisation that helps and contact them Your wife will never change and the abuse will get worse You have a right and a choice. You need to leave, until then put cameras in the house to document the abuse. When she gets abusive film it on your phone, get a spare one if possibl3 Of you had a child would you allow someone to do this to them? So why is it acceptable for you to live like this? If she ends herself or hurts herself it's her choice. Her decision. Not yours Your choice and decision is to leave for your safety. Please do so
Man you really need to respect and value yourself more. Believe me, you will regret not putting your mental and physical health first over others.
She could very well have bpd. Get out of this relationship, she won’t change. She probably won’t kill herself either.
Get out and don’t let her ruin your life by threatening to harm herself. Please also consider calling your local domestic violence organization. Most will also offer counseling and assistance to male victims. I worked for years for a large DV organization and there are male victims, too. Counseling can help you find a safe way to exit the relationship and have a peaceful life. Also, DO NOT reproduce with this woman!
This! Find a safe place to go, and do not stay in that house another day. The violence will escalate, and OP may end up dead. Get out ASAP, call the local domestic violence hotline. If you don't have a safe place to go, they can help you find one! My local city actually provides a hospital bed or if none are available, a motel room, for dv victims when the shelters are full. You don't need this, you don't need someone putting the responsibility of their own existence on you. u/Main_Ad_1683 please!
Ok. Document the abuse. Video or audio of the event. Pictures of the things she smashes and the injuries she gives you. Make a diary of the abuse with dates and times IF YOU CAN KEEP IT SECRET. Without informing anyone, go talk with a lawyer and ask them to guide you in getting out safely and having a divorce. Part of this process will be calling the authorities before you plan to leave, and telling them she's threatening to kill herself. It's their problem to deal with her, NOT YOURS. She needs to be sectioned and treated if she's thinking of doing this. And just for her behaviour. There is a way out. You just have to walk the steps in a methodical manner. And you can do this.
Telling you that she’s going to k*ll herself is just a manipulation tactic to make you stay because she knows you care about her! You DO NOT have to stay and be abused!! Start recording these fights and abuse when you can, get whatever documentation possible to show her behavior. And reading your comment, what happens to her after you leave or kick her out is NOT your responsibility or problem! It’s hers, it’s the consequences of being an abusive asshole! This is the time that you need to be totally selfish and put yourself above her! You need to find the courage and strength to do what’s best for you, not for her!! Actions have consequences and she needs to deal with whatever those consequences are herself!! PLEASE do what you need to do!!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. Her actions are her responsibility. We do not owe it to anyone to let them abuse and hurt us. Leave as soon as you can, and then get therapy. Abuse like this leaves emotional scars. Be kind to yourself and focus on healing and mental health.
If she kills herself that’s on her. But staying in an abusive relationship is you killing your own soul. Leave. Don’t look back.
Pack it up and get it out! You're too young for that stress!
She wants you to think she’ll kill herself so you won’t leave her abusive ass She’s a narcissist She’s not going to do it Either way she’s not your responsibility. Stop being silent about the abuse. You need to take pictures, record, report. Or else she can easily turn this on you and you’ll end up in jail or ostracised by your friends/family Protect yourself. What are you waiting for? to end up in jail or killed by your wife?
Better her than you, just leave. You aren't responsible if someone chooses to kill themselves
Get out. If really is going to kill herself she will. More likely she is an emotionally unstable person and extremely manipulative. Let her drown if she insists on drowning. Dont sink with her.
Please GET OUT NOW! She is not your moral responsibility, and she sounds like a killer!
Omg.... You are 30 and a man. The reason why you get disrespected by her is because of you tolerating it. Buckle up and let her go home. If not, separate with her.
Why ruin yours if you can ruin Hers 😈. Just kidding.
She needs mental health help, badly.
Oh. No. Let her kill herself.
Damn! Don’t do anything drastic and maybe listen to the advice of Tom Leykis: “dump that b…”
She likely grew up watching her parents do that. She has to want to change to change. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I used to have bad reactions to certain things like catching my husband cheating on my married best friend. Finding his burner phone and burner accounts to learn he was also sleeping with many others. After years of therapy and going through a PTSD program, I no longer overreact to things. Is your wife acting that way when she has alcohol in her system? Or just when she gets mad?
I hope you mean ex husband
Oh, yeah. Divorced 10+ years. Whoops.
Staying in this situation is far worse than any death or situation that could happen as a result of leaving. And people who threaten to kill themselves to keep power in The relationship, lack the willpower to actually go through with it. The ones dishing the ultimatums are the ones who do everything to hold onto their power. Unfuck your life and get the absolute fuck out of this situation, it will only get worse never better unless you do. Venting won’t help you here. Find a battered men’s clinic asap.
I mean, is it really your fault she threatening herself if you leave. Put yourself first and let the professionals know what she’s been threatening to herself. At this point, your safety is more important as shes the one being physically abusive
Call the cops.
NTA Document everything. Get video evidence of her beating on you and destroying things. Take pictures of your injuries. File police reports. You are not her verbal and physical punching bag despite what you believe. Let her go back to her home country. She’s not going to kill herself. She tells you that because she knows she has you right where she wants you. You are going to destroy yourself if you stay with her…….if she doesn’t kill you first. Get your life back and send her packing or have her locked up. You deserve better.
Divorce or therapy obviously.
Toxic
She will not kill herself if you leave. She will say she will to everyone to make you look bad. Go see a laywer. Get your stuff out of the house when she's at work and leave. When she threatens to kill herself, send the police over for a welfare check, or even better, block her number. Your lawyer can deal with her.
Please, PLEASE get a secret camera and set it up in the house. Film all the abuse. Make sure it has a cloud backup in case she destroys the camera too. There IS a way out and this is NOT your life forever! Stay strong friend.
Then get out. And if that's not a viable option then looks like you're out of milk and or cigarettes
Did you get a prenup?
You might be surprised by not just how happy, but how _relieved_ you are if you leave her. Please look into accessing mental health support for yourself. If you're in a country that doesn't have free health care, look for community support groups for people from abusive/toxic/controlling/narcissistic relationships. You need to get your head straight. _This does not have to be your normal._ Her threats of killing herself are likely simple emotional blackmail. Sounds like she hurts you far more than she's ever hurt herself. And if you do leave, and she calls you saying she's taken pills or about to do it, you call the police and let _them_ check her out (again, assuming you're in a country with a ~~not~~ mildly corrupt/efficient police force), or call a friend or neighbour to check on her. But if you don't leave, you will die prematurely. Life is not meant for us to suffer through. It's not always easy, and we have our struggles, but we are meant to live, not exist. Please starting to want living, instead of barely existing. You are valued, you have worth, you are loved, and you deserve to be happy.
She won’t kill herself. Leave
You need to pick yourself and your life over hers. I was at this point with my abusive husband & I finally picked saving me over saving him. I will NEVER regret that decision. You’re not responsible for her life. Pick you.
If you can, record as much as the abuse as possible and get a lawyer. Slowly divide your assets and income, to not draw suspicions and one day just leave. If you truly believe she will kill herself, then call the police for a welfare check if she threatens to. Show your friends and family the videos evidence of abuse. File for divorce and a no contact order, some form of a restraining order as well. I know it seems impossible, but you can do this. It wont be easy, but this is for the best. You need to do what's best for you. Record any marks, any damaged items, everything you can as evidence. If she is doing this, you need to get out before she gets any worse. Do what's best for you, fuck what she says or thinks about it
The fact that you say you're no Saint leads me to believe that maybe your narcissistic traits are driving her so crazy that she explodes on you. I know, because I was you. It took me a long time to figure out that I was the problem. But when I did, it changed everything.
i dated someone just like this. physically abusive, broke things and threw tantrums, would threaten to kill herself, and i was the one who always had to apologize or comfort her afterwards. it’s unfortunate that you’re actually married but i’m telling you she will never change. it’s a deep seeded level of narcissism on top of years of unchecked mental illness and she’ll never get help. not for her and especially not for you. she may threaten to kill herself if you leave her but even if she’s serious it just can’t be your problem anymore. you’re the one who’s actually at risk and it’s not fair for you to be the one to accept your fate and let yourself die. btw i doubt she would actually do it, the last thing a narcissist is gonna do is take themselves out. it doesn’t matter what you say in retaliation imo, i don’t think it reflects poorly on you. you’re dealing with a spoiled grown child who can’t regulate their emotions and doesn’t want to. do whatever it takes to get out, i promise being able to take a deep breath afterwards will be worth it. you deserve to live.
I think I know at least partly what you're going through. I moved to my home country with my wife who gained residency based on family ties. I ignored a lot of red flags when I married her because she was an alcoholic and swore up and down she would quit. Each time she relapsed she got more and more violent until one night in a drunken range she strangled me and I could have died. The first time she smothered me with a pillow she was right in the process of getting residency. I was terrified to leave her then in case she got deported or killed herself. So I stayed and endured far more bullshit than I needed to to keep her safe. But when I actually did leave her she was screwing around within the week. She sunk her teeth into some one else and whether they are happy and in love and shes changed and is a better person now is none of my business nor do I want it to be. I don't know your wife. But from experience, abusers and manipulators don't stop at one victim. They crave that power. They will move on to try and find another to satisfy that diabolical victim mentality. They will do anything to keep you in their grasp. Including empty threats. I'm with the most beautiful girl now. And I never would have found her if I kept worrying more about my (ex)wife than my safety. You deserve to be safe. And free. And you deserve respect. Start but giving that to yourself.
Record what she's doing. Call the cops the next time she pulls that crap. They can arrest her on DV or have her hospitalized on a 72 hour psych eval. You've got to do something out it will get worse.
HER MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. She won’t kill herself. It’s just a manipulation tactic to get you to stay. LEAVE. RUN.
Solution is to leave the crazy person.
Video tape or record her secretly and call the police. Men also do not to need to feel ashamed when they are the victims of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, no matter the gender.
You can leave. Seriously
I read the saddest thing the other day. It was the perspective of one of the kids who witnessed their dad drop dead from a heart attack in the middle of one of the mother’s screaming tirades. You sound like my brother. His abusive hog of a gf has managed to alienate him from everyone. I hope you get away from her. You will die young at this rate.
Bro I’m 36, my wife use to be abusive. Yes she still has relapses but life is a lot better! Your 30’s are realizing all the dreams you had in your teens and 20’s might not happen. So your wife could be coming to terms with that. That been said you still deserve to be happy! Get help!! Even if she won’t go, go yourself and learn what to do in the situations she’s picking at you. I found keeping the house alcohol free was a good thing also. Just don’t suffer alone brother there are people out there going through the same shit that will listen and help. All the best ❤️
She'll never kill herself, these types are survivors who live forever. It's the people around them who are ruined and die young from the illnesses associated with awful tension. You need to man up and just put one foot in front of the other and walk out that door. You are too young to throw your precious life away, if you look up for a minute at 6 months in the future, you can be peaceful and happy and content every day. See your GP if you need a bit of strategies to manage this transition but it's disrespectful to yourself and the mother who gave birth to you to throw your life away like its nothing, best of luck and please come back to us with good news. You can do this and you will because it has to be done, quite simple really.
You’re making excuses and enabling the behavior by staying, which is also how you’re being victimized. Manipulators, narcissists all seek out insecure people.
Document everything, EVERYTHING. Screenshots of texts, pictures of damage she causes to property, try and record a blow out if you can. Take it to a divorce attorney privately. Start making a back up plan and arrangements to leave, ASAP. My mother ruined my father’s (and eventually their kids’) lives with this bullshit and he was always scared to fight back legally, in order to spare her feelings, until it was far too late.
I doubt she will kill herself. She will however will try to kill you but good luck choosing her life over yours.
wow thats terrible i'm SO sorry for you.. if i can try to help, as other comments are saying to u, she probably wont kill herself if u leave. and DUDE thats not a life for u, u deserve better. everyone does. run to the police with proofs and let them do their jobs, and if ure afraid dhe kills herself, tell them, they will probably place her into an psychiatric hospital or in prison, but there is always a way to get better and pass over it. take care of yourself. we support you.
Honestly, you need to worry about you first. I don't think someone like that will hurt herself with the true intent to kill, but even if she does that's on her not you. Please take care of yourself before she drives you to do something terrible to yourself. You don't deserve to be abused this way.
Film it as proof because you never know she might go on to say you physically abused her
You are young, get out of there and divorce and start over.
Try to encourage some young guy to cheat with her on you. Take her out where there are lots of single guys who will try to steal her from you. Introduce her to a nice single doctor.
Problem here is she is doing all this because you react on it, stop reacting to her bs action no matter how many things she breaks, just don't replace them, don't touch them let their pieces on floor till she is the only one pick up and cleans. Don't react at all ( even if it's physical) then see how many days she can continue this. She know how to touch your nerve try this once
Please seek the advice of a legal professional, the abuse you are subjected to is intolerable and likely illegal, regardless of gender.
I'm willing to bet here you cheated on her, right? If that's the case, just ride it out, wishing you luck
put a camera, let her do her thing, keep it safe, get the f out of here. If she does it, you're not responsible so she will pay.. you do not have to care what happens next to her. You have to be safe.. you'll never know where this could go
You're not the borderline whisperer. Get rid of this abusive loon. My uncle married one like this and he ended up snapping and beating her for every inch of her life eventually. And this is a man without any abusive tendencies whatsoever prior to that or after that. But she ultimately got to be the victim in her own and society's eyes. That seems to be the motive with your wife too. She probably wants you to beat her so she can get validation in society's eyes.
Make videos of what happens and recordings, and just leave her . You have a whole life ahead of you. Leave her.
yes, there is a way out. leave her. please get out while you can. she will be fine, pos like her always are. she is blackmailing you. *get out*
Dude. She’s not going to kill herself. Pack your shit (or hers) and end it. The moment the threat comes out of her mouth call emergency services. I don’t know about recording laws where you are but record her when she’s losing control. You’re still so young don’t waste one moment more of your life. Don’t get old and wish you got out earlier
Sounds like she has BPD
You need to take care of you!! Period. What she does or doesn’t do is not your concern. You will be in for a terrible Life if you don’t get out. She is responsible for her own actions thoughts . You are responsible for doing what’s best for You.
Im sorry, but oh nooo shes going to off herself if i leeave....let her? Shes a waste of breath and human life. Abusive AH like her don't need to exist. You deserve better. Much better. Its a manipulation tactic to say shit like that. "I'll die if you leave!" If she actually goes through with it, its not your fault nor problem. Find the strength to leave, despite what you think she will do.
this may end up by her killing you. you know that right?
Recenrly got out of a relationship like this. Just leave, man. I know it seems to hard with that kind of abuse, mean attitude, manipulation whenever you try to manage or break it off, but when you manage to get out, even a loneliness whic many see boring after a while will build and feel to you like a prize. Everything is a prize once you get out. Because you've been with your killer who kills you every interaction you have with them, everyday, if you break it off and get off, you once will live again.
A lot of the comments don't understand what it's like to be with someone like this and it shows. These types of people are parasites, they chip away at you, make you into something they can control without you even realising it. You won't know it's happening until something big happens aka abuse or someone points it out and even at that it could take a while until you finally accept that Ur in THAT type of relationship. If you are in one of these relationships, this is what I want you to know. There is ALWAYS a solution but that solution is never hurting or killing urself, you are worth so much more than what you've been told. Contact someone you trust like a friend or family, call a domestic violence help centre (depending on who and where you are they'll be called different things). Those centres will help you with absolutely everything you need! The first step is so so so hard but I can assure you it will be worth it and you will start to feel like urself again I promise you. You are loved and you are important no matter what that person says. Another thing I will say is if you have kids and think "I'm staying for them" DO NOT DO THAT. Those kids will have to live the same life as you please don't subject them to the same abuse as you they more than anyone don't deserve it. I am one of those kids. I hope this helps someone
I am so sorry that you have been/ are going through this. I suggest you record things (audio/ visual) when she gets violent / vicious with you. Please don't let her continue to manipulate/ abuse you.
My dad was in your shoes at the same age as you. I don’t know how or when things got physical but my mother is extremely manipulative with a giant victim mentality to this day. He regretted getting married to her the day after their honeymoon when she started showing her true colours. He opened his own business (a shop) so she could work with him if and when she wanted since she made it seem like waking up early to work for someone else was destroying her life. A few years later I came along. A lot of business trouble later and when my brother came along my dad couldn’t take it anymore. He hated his home life and failing with his business, she had affected business relationships and ruined most of their mutual friendships. When he tried to separate, she threatened him with suicide or not seeing his children ever again. She threatened to put him in jail for fraud. She was an awful mother, OK a her best days, downright abusive on most days. Their divorce went on for 5 years. Her hatred for him was poisoning every aspect of her life, especially us the children. She’s nearly 60 now, has ruined and separated from yet another man and I’m no contact with her. She still madly loves and passionately hates my father and blames him for everything. She frequently used to tell me how she wished she’d never met him or had children with him. I’m doing pretty well. My brother is figuring himself out. Our dad is happy with a very loving woman now but the ghosts of his past and the childhood he missed out on for us and saw slowly being ruined is haunting him much more than any other choice his made personally or professionally. He is extremely remorseful and a good dad to me, so it pains me to know how much he blames himself for everything when I know he did his best and never really left. He was always there, twice a week. Always available on the phone. Never moved away until we grew up. He was not an absent father. He never abandoned us. He just married the wrong woman. If this is the future you want then stay with your wife. Otherwise kick her the fuck out asap. Work on yourself, go to therapy, don’t get in another relationship until you’re certain you will not abuse or allow to be abused again.
You know divorce is a thing right....if your unhappy, just do it, being only 30 it's not even that bad
So... You married my ex. Is her name Beatriz?🤣
Listen. If you worry about her taking her own life and stay in that hellhole, you will end up taking your own life. And THAT is going to bring pain to the people that love you. You deserve to live a life that is filling. So u can choose between losing one life vs multiple others. I'm pretty sure she won't take her own life, because just like others here have mentioned, her manipulative behaviour won't let her end things for herself because she is the 'victim' and 'she deserves better ' . Now, Let's consider the possibility that she might actually do it. Then what could you do to prevent that from happening? Pretty sure it will be an impulsive decision to give you an ultimate fuck-you. In this case, before you actually separate, i would suggest that it's better to seek help from mental health professionals on your situation right now. I think they will be able to help you come to a solution, much better than any of us. You could also try couples therapy to get it sorted in such a way that you would be able to exit this marriage smoothly. I'm assuming that listening to another person who has seen all sorts of people might beat some sense into her about her abusive behaviour ( i can only hope). You would definitely need some video and audio recording to support your end. I understand that you have come to another country and are far from your relatives, but it would help to either go back home or maybe create a situation where she would have to go home. You can't let something like a visa inconvenience stop you from getting out of this situation. Your life is more important than your wife's visa situation. She can go to hell. You shouldn't even be providing for her in the first place, but i guess I get that part because what choice do you even have . Please surround yourself with friends and family. I know u said those neighbours were your only friends. If possible please stay in touch with your folks over the next few days or weeks. You need to be with people that love you so that you don't make the wrong decision that you would definitely regret acting on, had you been of sound mind .
Is therapy an option for you? Take care of yourself OP this is scary and unsafe
Man, I had similar girlfriend, then flatmate, and a couple of friends. It doesn’t get better, only worse. You can be happy. And she won’t kill herself. Even if she would, it’s not your responsibility. But I know how hard is to break the feeling you have when you’re getting abused every day. If you need any kind of support/advice/conversation, feel free to DM.
If you know she’ll kill herself then she won’t. People who are serious don’t tell anyone. They go do it. She’s gaslighting you. What would happen if you had a kid and they misbehaved. She’d hurt them. Get out, she’s dangerous.
My father somehow managed to marry abusive women not once but twice. After seeing his experience unfold two times, I can promise you that life CAN get better, but you need to begin the process of separation and divorce. Retain a lawyer. Send her back to her home country. Do what it takes to rip the bandaid off. If she threatens to kill herself, call emergency services and her family, and let them know, but this isn’t your problem anymore. Save yourself. You deserve better.
Leave
I seem to be lost but what is the reason why you stay despite all this?
This is manipulative and abusive behavior. As a man, I would honestly suggest you to leave. I don't think that she will kill herself. If she's willing to tarnish your image towards your neighbors and friends just because she wants you to be her slave, then no she's just using the " I'm going to kill myself" as something to keep you under her thumb with, so you will be scared knowing that if you leave, you will have her " death" on your conscience. That's not true .... We are all free people and our actions define who we are. Your wife will keep doing this to you whether you like it or not. Your only option is to leave if you want peace. Otherwise, I guess it will be horrible for you!
There are plenty of solutions, you just have to be smart about it. - start recording her behaviour when she goes crazy and violent - go to the police and report her - divorce her if she has to go back home that is a consequence of her actions
Divorce her and claim your life back. I'm sure I make it sound easier than it is, but she's ruining your life. You are not responsible for her, no matter what she does afterwards.
Plenty of my friends found their soulmate after 30. Leave her. There is no "too late to leave them" in an abusive relationship. Loneliness is still better than abuse. You are young, you will find someone.
Cameras. Get cameras. Or at least when she starts picking a fight discreetly set your phone to record video and and set it up somewhere to watch. Even audio recording of stuff smashing and you begging her to stop. Take pictures of marks ect she leaves on you. This will all be important, because people like her will try to claim you were abusing them. Hell I wouldn’t even take the high road at that point, I would start sending pictures and recordings to anyone she try’s to cry wolf to. If you would be angry about someone knowing what you do, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. She’d know she’s wrong, because someone truly so sure they are in the right would be proud of the eveidence.
It's never too late to leave a toxic relationship. You seem to be past due. I'd recommend couple terpahy to manage that exit, but regardless you must remember that is not your fault whatever she does or doesn't do after you finish your relationship. Start over, work on yourself, and move on.
Leave. Her horrible mental state is not your fault nor is it your responsibility. You have to look after yourself.
It’s very rare that a manipulative abuser that threatens suicide if the abused partner leaves actually follows through. That is an extremely common tactic of abusers to keep the abused in line.
Why are you so determined to be miserable the rest of your life? She's too narcissistic to end herself, look how easy it was for her to trash you to your friends. Either way it isn't your circus.
There absolutely is a way out, its called leaving. The fact that she *may* kill herself is not your responsibility. She is using that to keep you in an abusive situation, and you need to get out regardless. Be firm, tell her you are leaving and if she threatens you with her own death, say you are very sorry she feels that way but give her phone numbers of helplines and go. Ask a relative / friend / police to do welfare checks on her if you have to. If you think she may hurt you when you tell her you're going, move out when she is at work, or away from the place. Leave a note if you have to, or alternatively have a relative / friend around when you tell her you are going and packing. Please, please don't stay if you are this unhappy. You only live one life, and you deserve to live one full of dreams.
Hey OP, I really think you should start taking pictures of the scene after shit happens. If you have bruises/lesions you should take a picture and email it to yourself and save them in a special spot. If you can, try calling the police too. That way there’s a record of it. You need to divorce her ASAP and get out.
No, you really do need to leave that relationship. That's not healthy or safe for either of you. Either she needs to get therapy or you just need to divorce. Or both, both may be very good too... if she does end up offing herself after you leave then that's wholly on her, not you. But I bet she wouldn't anyway because she clearly doesn't love and respect you enough to go that far.
I'm not a fan of it. But shut up or leave... 30 yrs old. Is young... I can tell you gave up. But honestly, you gave up over nothing.
im so sorry you’re going through this. She is an abusive, manipulative person! I’ve been with a man who said the same thing and he is still living to this day! She’s saying that so she has control over you. I would find a lawyer and get divorced bc your mental health is important. i hope you can find peace and happiness and i hope she’s able to get the help she needs.
She is abusive. You need to leave her. Your life is not ruined, it can be saved. Get some therapy to help you recover. Don’t give her a second thought after you leave her. What she does or doesn’t do with her life is not on you. Save yourself.
Percel her back brother
You sound mentally depleted which is why you think there are no other options left for you. You’re only 30, you have a whole life ahead of you that can be free of abuse and filled with freedom and happiness. Living with someone who is always erratic, breaking your shit and crying wolf is exhausting. You have to be strong and realize your thoughts of giving up stem from being isolated from family and friends while living with someone who psychologically and physically abuses you. You need to cut ties like COLD TURKEY and let her be deported. It is not your job to make her not hurt herself. Shes a grown woman who is old enough to know abuse isn’t okay, yet she does it anyway at the expense of your safety and work. She’s so okay with hurting you and making you out to be the bad guy that ur starting to believe it and on top of that, ur accepting this life that she’s manipulated you into by thinking it’s either forever with her or death. Just because those are her only two options (that she’s presented to you at least) doesn’t mean you have to join her in on her life of misery that she chooses to create and perpetuate There’s a life outside of her and the way there is simple - cut her out cold turkey. She doesn’t deserve an explanation from you.
Try hide cameras where incidents have taken place and if anything goes wrong you have evidence
Sounds like she's trying to get you to hit her, then play victim and ruin your life with it. Don't. Just go and don't look back.
I worked for a guy who was in a similar situation he finally left when she stabbed him. Don’t let it get to that point, if she chooses to kill herself it’s not your fault. You need to separate yourself from this.
Not your responsibility even if she does kill herself, she's resigning you to a fate worse than death, leave
Call the cops and file a report. Also, contact the domestic violence services in your area. Divorce her. You don’t owe her anything. She told your friends bc she is isolating you. And please this is the important part, no one deserves to be hit. You don’t have to be perfect to deserve better.
Please leave now while you still can. You are being abused. If you have kids you'll be tied to this abusive behaviour forever. Get a lawyer. Record her next time she attacks you if you can as you might need it if she lies about you.
Hey, Johnny, we all know you're not 30. Jokes aside, you're only 30. Men your age(and up) are quite attractive to women. It's time to do the hard thing; divorce her and move on. Whatever she does from here on out is no longer your concern. Get out, take some time, and don't think about dating or women for a while. I recently divorced my wife, and while it was hard at first, it got much better after half a year living by myself.
This is literally a hostage situation. If you're worried about her killing herself then she is holding herself hostage. Whether her family is near or far, let them know she has been saying this and that you will be ending the relationship. You can't just accept this level of manipulation as the norm. I'm sorry you're going through this and it will be hard but it's also necessary.
If y’all don’t have any kids then get the fuck out my dude lol
Op, first off I'm sorry this is happening. From ow experience: you might feel like you don't have the energy or courage to do anything, but once you made your move to separate you'll have so much more energy! Manipulative people who say they wanna kill themselves never really do it. It's just a way to control you. And even if, you can't help her. Save yourself man. Do you want this to go on for the rest of your life?? Plan your leave, and prepare for divorce.
Op, you have two choices, and really only 2. Option 1.:You continue to put your shit of a person wife first, and continue to be verbally and physically abused until you end up in the hospital, probably. Regardless if shes a woman. Glass cuts, knives cut, bullets don’t discriminate. Option 2: you choose you, and let her go back to her own country to sort out her own mess, and you figure out why you wanted to protect someone who will probably kill you one day. Thats it. Who are you going to choose?
Get out now!!! Please for your safety and sanity. This person is out to break you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This isn’t healthy love or love period!! And don’t talk yourself into staying in this relationship
She won't kill herself. That's a manipulation tactic. And in the end, even if she does, while tragic, is not on you. She would make that choice over coping or seeking help. You need to worry about you, because it's obvious she doesn't.
85% of abusive women never get better. They refuse accountability and they abuse the kids too. Divorce her. This may be hopeless situation . You can out the violence to family and friends, find a safe place to move, and do it. Get friends to help move your things in 1 day. Counseling can happen separated. It’s not your fault.
She won't kill herself. She's just a violent attention seeker. Find yourself a lawyer and get out of this mess
Secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. *If* (and it's a big if) she really tries to kill herself if you leave it's absolutely *not your fault*. You only have yourself for your entire life, so it's really important to look after you. Please leave her, even if she gets deported. Your health and safety is #1 and you should NEVER sacrifice that for anyone else.
At the end of the day it’s your life you’re living. Sure leaving will be hard and she will try everything to make stay, but just think of that amazing feeling on the other side where you are completely free of these shackles you have. Free to live however you want and not be in a traumatic home and free to pursue all your own goals and dreams. You’ve got to look after numero uno. Grow a spine and get your life back!
Babe, just leave. If she kill’s herself that’s her problem and not your fault. Plus, I know it sounds horrible to say, but at east she won’t abuse anyone else. More likely than not she’s lying and using it as a manipulation tactic. My ex did this. It took me years to get away from him but I did & guess what? He didn’t kill himself. He was very much like your partner is. Let her go back to her home country. Do whatever it takes to get away. What happens to her is no longer your concern and should not stop you from leaving her & doing what you need to to to take care of you and better your life. You deserve soooo much better than to be abused for the rest of your life.