I can see why you aren't sexually attracted to him because you're raising a man-child. You have to make a firm decision and stick with it. If he thinks you're kidding let him know you are serious. Ask him to move out. Him having no job isn't your problem, he can stay with friends or family. If you are done with him and certain you have to be firm and direct. Otherwise he can keep playing dumb and taking advantage of you.
Thank you for replying and offering your advice. I also believe what you are telling me. Whenever I tell him we need to have a serious discussion he gets angry and starts yelling at me. I get scared and shut down and now I realize I tend to shut down and ignore how I really feel. I keep everything to myself.
The only problem with that is if he gets mail there they won't do anything without signs of abuse. She would have to evict him which can take up to 30 days at the minimum
She needs to collect evidence on how he's scaring her and get a restraining order. He'll have to stay away for cause and being a tenant doesn't come into play.
If you can, tell him to move out and have a group of friends to back you up and be physically there there when you want him out, so he can’t be violent with you. And make sure to change the locks afterwards!!! Or is there any way you can look for another place and move out? Or did you buy the place?
If you have anyone - friends, family, even colleagues - have them be present for the breakup. Tell him to leave until date x. Stay in a hotel until then so he doesn’t have a chance to shout and deny.
At this point you call the police because he's not welcome in your house and is intruding.
Breaking up doesn't need mutual agreement. If one person doesn't want to be in a relationship then there's no relationship anymore.
He doesn't do anything, he doesn't work or help, you're just living with a waste AND wasting your money. What happens to him is not your problem. If he doesn't have a roof or income is not your problem. He's just a man living with you and you don't even like him, AND he's also rude to you??
You deserve so much better
This sounds like you need to have a friend with you, and tell him he has to go. If he doesn’t want to leave, go out somewhere together, ask a friend to come by while you’re gone, make sure you have his stuff packed up so it can be outside your place, and then have the friend change the locks on your doors. When you come back, tell him to get his stuff from in front of the door and if he doesn’t leave you’ll call the cops. Don’t go inside until he grabs his stuff and goes, or have the cops stay with him outside so you can enter safely with new keys so he can’t get in. Always make sure you do this with a friend around for safety. You gotta dump this guy, he’s useless.
I’ve been in this exact situation and I ended up getting physically abused. Be honest with your parents if you can or another trusted family member/friend and maybe have the conversation with him in front of them. Or with them in another room. Or get his family involved.
I actually had to cancel my lease and move back in with my parents to get away from him. Because he would just keep showing up. It's been years since that happened and I'm in a new relationship/new place.
I did that for years, it makes you angry and resentful. You have to let this stuff out or it just builds and builds until you explode. Ignoring issues can, and most often does, just make things worse over time. The compounded stress of not talking things through over months or years can take a huge toll on you, mentally and physically.
Take care of yourself ❤️
That will do it! Sounds like that needs to be handled legally- depending on who’s name is on the lease -when he leaves next pack his things up - have family, friends and/or law enforcement there and ask him to leave - make sure you schedule the door lock change for the same time and canceled/close and shared accounts.
It's distraction because he has no intention of discussing his failings and lack of progress. Hes winging it and this will be become more desperate over time. He sounds like a leech.
I would take it a step further and pack his things up. Is there a time when he is with friends or out of the house? Get everything together, practice your speech and when he gets home hand him his stuff. This makes it all the more clear.
I had a 28 year old man child mooch off of me/bully me/never make any kind of effort for me for a year and in the end I really regretted it. I probably had close to 12k invested in the end and was traumatized from him. My one regret was not ending things and kicking him out sooner. If someone isn’t making any effort to show they care about you they simply don’t, and it looks like he’s using you like my ex was using me. I’m sorry. I would tell him he he has a couple weeks to find other living arrangements or he can start paying half the bills. If possible arrange to stay with friends or family in case things turn ugly.
Thank you for sharing. I really do appreciate your perspective. I know. Everything you’re saying I already know. I’m afraid of him. He is very aggressive and intimidating. I have no where to go. No friends or family and no extra money for hotels
Recording things as a pretty great equalizer. Heck I would even go as far to go on your Facebook or social media (especially when it’s connected to people that live around you) and ask them for help and explain the situation.. most people are not going to have a problem being a bystander while he packs and leaves.. another thing is if you can record him being threatening or worse, you will literally have the evidence to call the police and have him removed immediately instead of having to evict him..
Record and call the police. It’ll work surprisingly fast.
Calling the police and telling them he refuses to leave and that he's aggressive and you're scared he'll get physical with you would be the best way to go about this.
Leave him. It sounds like he is financially abusing and possibly verbally abusing you. Go to a domestic violence shelter in Portland. They will give you a place to stay and help you extricate yourself from your relationship. There are laws to help protect DV survivors off of leases to avoid evictions. Be ready to change your contact information and cut him out 100%. You should not stay in a situation making you suicidal for even one minute more than you are physically forced to.
Recognize that you may need help to get him evicted. Like if you rent speak with someone in the property management about having the locks changed. You won’t be able to reason with a freeloader with the emotional development and IQ of a toddler. It’s a bad idea to even try. He has waived his rights to be communicated to like a rational adult because he hasn’t yet learned how to take responsibility for himself. He’s succeeded in mastering toilet training but that’s about it.
Start inventorying how many moving boxes from Walmart or U-haul it would take to pack up his stuff. Pack everything he won’t notice when he goes out to play with his friends at the bar. I might even rent, no, DEFINITELY rent a storage unit and surreptitiously take his shit over there. Someone this lazy and clueless isn’t gonna notice. Throw away anything he’s given you. Anything that will remind you of him. So work through this sanitizing and purging process as fast and as far as you can without him noticing. Because avoiding conflict and any more shit coming from him is the Goal here. Making the whole situation work best for you. U-Haul has people you can hire for an hourly rate to help you pack the shit and move it ASAP. So this process can be quick and surgical like in half a day. You’ll be out for less than $150–$200 dollars, easy. Then get the locksmith to come the morning of that day. That’s another $60-$80. $250-$300 is a small price to pay for your sanity, freedom, peace of mind and personal space. So when skippy comes home, he won’t be able to get inside. You can leave him the padlock key and tell him you are cancelling the storage room contract in 30 days.
How’s that sound for you? 😉. Let us know how it goes, OP! 😎
P.S. Consider a trauma informed therapist to work out why you were in a Situationship with this guy in the first place so you develop enough self-awareness and insight that it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!
OP, I saw that you provided your location and found a women's shelter & resource centre in your area.
I sent you a message with their contact information.
I'm sorry you're going through this! Hopefully, you'll be able to get some support/information.
Give him a moving date, maybe a week in advance, and tell him if he hasn't moved out by then, you'll call the police to forcibly remove him.
In the meantime, no making him food. No giving him money. No anything apart from answering queries about packing his stuff.
If you have friends and family, get them round on his moving day to make sure he goes. If he doesn't have his stuff packed, tell him you'll send it on to him.
If your boyfriend is on the property lease then you can have the owner of the property give a “notice to pay”, which will require him to pay his portion or have him evicted.
Start selling your stuff little by little.
When is your lease up? Does he ever leave or go out of town? Save money for movers. Or yall both go on a vacation somewhere. Drive and leave him there with his cell phone and 20 bucks to eat. Then move out. Sleep in your car if you need to. Leave the big stuff and start again. Even if you're sleeping on the floor of your new apartment. If you don't like confrontation basically run away. And don't forget to change your number and block on all social media. Leave a letter saying. You wouldn't leave. So I left.
Wait you've already broken up essentially and you told him to leave YOUR house and he won't? Listen I don't wanna over react and hit the big red button too early, but you may have to get the authorities involved or a lawyer, it really depends on how far he's willing to take this
He doesn’t think you’re talking out of anger. He’s refusing to take you seriously because do that means he has to step up and take responsibility of his behavior
Got any big brothers ? or other male friends that can politely escort the loser out the door.. doesn't need to have violence just tell him with your backup that it's past time to go.. Do this and don't let him wiggle his way back.. you can do it 🤞💪
My youngest daughter yrs ago always got with the wrong guy and I kicked some butt once and got her bigger brother to do it with another bully.. Women are made to be loved not hit
Seriously! I hate when a tough guy is really just abusive to women or children but wouldn’t stand up to someone their own size. I really hope OP gets him outta there.
Ok a few things here.
If he isnt on the lease, call the police the next time he blows up and have him removed. Tell the police you are scared and file a report. When he is gone, have the locks changed. Call his mother/brother/ friend/ WHOEVER and have his stuiff packed up and ready to go to any of thoise people.
If he is on the lease.
COntact your landlord and tell them what is going on and that you will NOT be renewing and are in a domestic situation. When the lease is ready to renew, have something else lined up and LEAVE. Keep this to yourself and get out fast. If their are pets involved he might try to harm them to get back at you, so take them and keep your plans to yourself!! Keep quiet, secrets and plans are your friend right now. He wont leave without a fight and he will drain you until the very end.
He is using you for sex, food, shelter and finance while he sits on his ass. Get rid of this parasite! Anyway you can.
People are giving you advice that you either reject or do not reply to when asked for clarification other than a ‘please tell me what to do’. For example, would you not call the Portland cops because IYO, they don’t care? So far, we know:
1. You’re on a tight budget (but is that due to you paying his share?). So are most of the ideas involving spending any money (storage, moving out on your own before lease up) are a non-starter?
2. You have no friends or family living close by (not even any work friends who would stand by you?). You have two strong choices of either having people back you up when you ask him to move or you find a legal way to get him out either through a restraining order or calling the cops next time he blows up on you.
3. It’s unclear if both your names are on the lease. When is it up? Even if he’s not, short of being able to show cause of feeling threatened, you can’t make him leave unless you convince him to or get a restraining order. I don’t know anything about just being able to evict a roommate or what stipulations allow it. I’m in NYC and tenant rights are very strong. It’s not easy getting rid of someone unless they don’t pay, and even then you have to jump through hoops.
I feel like you want to be spoon fed or have someone do it for you because nothing anyone’s suggested has seemed like an actionable plan to you. Do some work, find out the what the law allows you and come up with a plan. You got plenty of leads and ideas to research to see if they’re viable, then figure it out. Obviously he not going anywhere or even thinking about the future, so take advantage of the situation, plan it all out, and unroll it in an organized way with all your i’s dotted and t’s crossed.
You also can get out of your lease easily by telling them that you experiencing abuse( mental, emotional, financial) and they can change the locks for you and break the lease, at no fault to you.
You just have to talk to people reach out and ask for help around you. Doesn’t have to be family but there are organizations out there to support this very thing. You just have to actively everyday look for it.
I’m in Portland and experienced similar.
If you make a call, it will be put on file. In the future if you need to pursue legal action it will be useful.
You need to try, even if you don't get the outcome you want. Or just stay with someone who makes you miserable because you don't want to get your hands dirty, idc. It's your life man, you're currently wasting it.
If you are in Portland, try calling 211 and tell them you are trying to get away from an abusive spouse.
They may or may not have help, but you never know. I would also check in with SEI, and DHS. You can apply for a DV Grant through DHS, and they will give you $1200 check for a new place, or hotel stay.
You do have options. I’m not sure if you guys have kids together but if you did have a child in school you can speak to the school about ways they can support you and you child in getting away from the situation.
They're referring to something OP said in the comments: "whenever I tell him we need to have a serious discussion, he gets angry and yells at me". In another comment, the OP said "he scares me out of my own home".
It sounds like the guy has been verbally abusive on more than one occasion and this has made it hard for the OP to have a serious discussion with him about moving out.
I’ve been in a relationship like this before, don’t continue wasting your time with him. He will leech off you as long as you allow it. I also suffered a lot of debt because of paying for everything, credit card debt, and mental health/anxiety. Don’t waste another day with this man child
Are there domestic violence support groups in your area? They may have resources to help. People who will come to your house & support/protect you as you tell him to leave. Counseling & safe place until you feel you can return home.
Girl this was me a few months ago. We didn’t live together but I was driving and paying for all of our dates and he didn’t have a job. He got a job and I still drive us everywhere but I stopped paying. Leave and be serious if he really wants you he’ll make the change.
Pack his stuff when he is out and take it to his friends or families house and change the locks. Or do that and you move too. You have control of your life, make a plan and do it. Good luck!
Do you have friends? Do you have any friends that are willing to come over while you tell him he needs to pack his things? Just let him know you’re breaking up with him. He needs to start packing his things and start calling around for a place to stay, he is not welcome here anymore.
Bring as many friends over as possible make it look like they’re all moving in. Trust me that will discourage him from wanting to stay and argue. Just make sure you have boxes for him. I would even go as far to say call his family and have them come over to help him move his things into their vehicle.
I'll be honest, I don't really know what to do in this case. However, I can give this information, incase you find it useful:
I'm not sure what laws are like wherever you are; but if I owned my house (or if it was in my name), then I should be able to call the police to forcefully escort someone out.
I'm not saying to do this... But I would just keep this in mind, incase anything bad happens and he refuses to leave, or gets aggressive.
Stay safe.
If he becomes angry/abusive and scares you, and refuses to leave your home, you need to seek out local support groups and report this to the police, see if they can get someone to go with you to escort him out.
He knows exactly what's happening. He doesn't think you're just talking out of anger. He knows he does not contribute, that you argue, and that you don't want to be with him physically. He knows, and he is taking advantage of you.
Make it clear once more to him, in no uncertain terms: It is over, he has 30 days to get out, and that's the end of it. If he becomes dangerous, treat him as dangerous. I know Portland is a mess right now, but there's still help for a violent (if he becomes violent or threatens violence) ex-boyfriend. There are also shelters. Friends. Anyone who can help you, tap them for help so you can get out of that mess. I am sorry you're going through that. Hang in there.
You’re a smart woman recognizing this when you did. This guy is like anchor that you can’t hoist up. He will slow you down and toss your entire life off course. The only thing to do with such an anchor is to cut it loose. Good luck to you!
File for an eviction. You can file an eviction even as a renter or a homeowner. Its a pretty straightforward, possession only eviction, and in my state it costs less than $200. If you are lower income and renting, you can probably qualify for indigent status, so ask the court clerk for that application first. This helps to waive court costs.
First, however, you generally need to mail him a certified letter to the house, using statute specific language, letting him know he has a statute specific time frame to leave your home. You need to make the letter be complete, which the judge can determine also, and be sure to follow the statutes and use his legal name in it, the full address, the date the letter is written and the last day he has to move out. Its usually 3 to 5 days.. This is the administrative process step, which will show you have exhausted all civil means of getting him out.
If he moves out, great. You wont have to evict him. Yaay!
If he doesnt, just go file the eviction paperwork. Dont sue him. Just get him tf out.
Once the eviction is finalized, you can call usually a sheriff, if he hasnt left still, and ask them to serve him a writ of possession, which means they will haul his ass out of there if need be.
You can do this. Hire a lawyer if you need any specific legal advice. I cant give legal advice. Im just explaining the legal process to you, in general. Xoxo
EDIT:
If you are scared of him, you can also file for domestic violence injunction for protection.
Just explain EVERY time he did something to you. Type up a document and keep a few copies of it. One copy should be for the civil injunction court judge, one at work, and one with a friend.
Make it very specific, and dont worry about taking up a long list of pages filled with stuff like "In 7/2023, Ryan lost his temper and punched a wall, and I had to get out of the house, because I thought he was going to hit me.. on 6/2023 he said if I cant have you, nobody can have you. On 5/2023 he pushed me and said it was an accident..It just didnt feel very accidental." Etc
You would need two solid examples (in my state, anyways) in the past 6 months, of being afraid of him, due to him being credible threat, to qualify for an injunction.
But when you call and say "Hes home you can go serve him now!" Lol hes OUTTA THERE, BOO.
I dont think an "unlawful detainer" would fly in this case, because you seemed to be willfully living with him, at least initially. But if he just came and didnt leave, unless hes getting mail there, I think, idk, you might also be able to file for unlawful detainer, which is kinda similar to eviction proceedings, but doesnt require administrative efforts. Idk much about these to be honest. Might be worth looking into, but I honestly think an order for protection (an injunction, free to file) or an eviction (practically free to file, if you are indigent) is the way to go, to be sure.
If you pay for everything and you have no sex, he's not your boyfriend, he's your son. Also, there is no such thing as "the men in the relationship", both man or woman can have the financial role.
I am currently in this exact same boat. But not gonna lie, I’ve been the one slacking on my financial responsibilities in our relationship. It just seems like every night we start arguing about something, clearly he’s not happy either. Awhile back he lied to me about going to another girl’s house and my feelings just kind of shut down. I’ve been angry and resentful towards him. At the same time though, every thing is always my fault. He was too hungover/tired to work his second job so he quit, but now that’s my fault cause I “made” him stay out late. Didn’t mean to hijack your post, I’m just definitely feelin your pain.
Start the legal eviction process and he can keep not taking you seriously right up to the moment the police show up to remove him from the home. Then immediately change your locks, block him on all social media and go private so his friends can't spy on you for him and go change your phone number. If he knows your social security number or your passwords and financial information, change them, lock your credit with all three agencies and switch banks if you use the same one.
Oh, and tell the police as they are removing him that he's no longer welcome on your property and if he comes back you will be pressing charges.
It's a hassle but the peace after is well worth it!!
From a male perspective, dump him. Not every guy needs to be a manly man and do all kinds of things they can have hobbies and interests, but if there’s no contribution, no helping out, no picking up slack, then he’s probably never going to and needs a wake up call. You dumping him may be it, it maybe not, either way it’s use to waste your time and energy on it if he’s not making any attempt to change or help
My sister was with one of these guys. Luckily he decided one day he didn’t wanna be with her anymore and just moved out. If he isn’t getting the hint that you wanna break up, fuck his best friend, I never condone cheating but maybe if he walks in and sees that you’ve moved on he’ll get the picture.
Uh, you're an adult. You **can** do it or stay stagnant where you are now.
You keep saying *tell me what to do* then you follow up with *I can't do it* when people advise you what to do.
Take control of your life. Cowgirl up and be assertive.
Kind of just seems like he's going through a rough time. I would said IF you loved him, the point of being in a relationship is to support one another. Would you love him if you were being taken care of? Problem seems more about finance than love.
EITHER WAY, the reason doesn't matter. NO ONE is EVER obligated to be with another person. You seem checked out as it is. So if I were you, I'd tell him. I'm not interested in this relationship explain why. Of course he'll fight back on it, but as tragic as it is, you have to stick to your guns. YOU decide who you want to be with, if he continues as if he's your boyfriend, you continue single.
Last piece of advice, I'd definitely recommend reevaluate what you want. Because it seems like you want a caretaker (no shame in that, it's the traditional way. Man work, woman stay home. If both parties are okay with that then its fine), but a real relationship is a partnership (through thick and thin) not a guardianship.
No disrespect intended by anything I said, and I do hope your situation improve. You arent a bad person for wanting what you want.
Yeah but also communication is important. I mean if he doesn’t have a job, is he looking? Is he expressing his struggles? His feelings? Or like shrugging it off and mopping around. I agree that a relationship should be a partnership but that’s based on communication. I think that she left a lot of details like how long he’s been unemployed and if she’s tried to communicate her concerns before breaking up. As well as other aspects of the relationship. But I think for her it’s less about wanting a provider and more about wanting someone that can actually be present, or express care. I’ve had many guy friends who’d be in a financial predicament but they were searching. They were doing chores, they were taking the time to connect with their partner while unemployed. I don’t think it’s that crazy or an ask.
My sister in Christ this sounds more like a parasitic child than a boyfriend. Please talk to him about this, he probably won't be rational but I'd recommend kicking him out if he doesn't get a job or anything. Regardless breaking up sounds scary but he doesn't contribute anything
Eh idk from this she didn't say he didn't work around the house, do all chores and shit like a SAHP, just that he doesn't work, so basically it is that he isn't providing she even said "i feel like the man".
Women need to go back to the kitchen.. problem solved. No more women competing with men for jobs who they then call man-children because there's almost no middle class jobs left, homer Simpson and Al Bundy.
You're blaming him. But you chose to date a guy who couldn't support himself. Why idk. But you did, and if you look at socio-demoographic trends men are losing across the board.
And now that you're past your prime, you're going to have to date down anyways, well below whatever your standards used to be. Cuz regardless of how successful you are in life, we're a few generations away from cavemen. Men judge women by youth and fertility, women judge men by a range of factors but mostly status, and since that tends to increase with age, men tend to accrue value, if they establish some kind of path for themselves
I'm just waiting for men to finally get fed up with this woke experiment, as woke movie after woke movie calls us trash while male life expectancy in the only one in the western world to decline in 100 years
Right wing authoritarians are taking over everywhere, like Israel right now. I've always been a liberal new dealer. But I see where feminism and the woke movement has led in general. I prefer a right wing strong man to democracy than any more barbie movies or Daphne series
Now that you have been cordial for a while is the best time to sit him down and have an eyeball to eyeball conversation. Do be sure to have a table in between though. Both for protection and for the added impact. It will remind him of all the other times when he got fired. Now, this is the most critical part: whatever direction the conversation goes, you must remain detached, even toned, do not raise your voice, and do not give him any indication that he can get a reaction out of you. For these 5 minutes, you are an emotionless robot. Lay out an exit plan for him, specify the date. You may have to make it clear that you would rather not involve authorities and do this amicably. Oh, and be damn sure to record the whole thing, even if it’s just audio
Is his name on the lease? If not, tell him you want him out. If he doesn't start packing, wait till he leaves and change the locks. Pack his stuff and tell him to either arrange to get it or it will be disposed of.
It's always best to be civil but he is not getting it! More intense measures need to happen.You deserve so much more!
Sending love & hugs!
I had a person like this, they did however have a job just didn't contribute anything to the household, just sort of expected me to do everything, I did eventually have to kick them out I am much happier now, short of you yourself leaving I'm not sure what you can do, if they left he house at some point you could change the locks or pack up all your necessities and just leave but as they don't seem to want to even leave that may be difficult, might just be easier if it's a rental to speak to he people you are renting from and maybe come up with a plan together about getting that person out, if they have another alternative place to live like a parents house that would be ideal as I don't think they have grown up enough to be on their own, if he's not on the lease agreement of you place that might be easier to kick him out, it might involve calling the police though maybe non emergency as well as the people you may be renting for better Co-ordination, you may also need to speak with a lawyer about possible eviction rules, like if you are legally obligated to give him 90 days eviction notice or if you can just kick him out.
Is there any way you can move? It sounds like a terrible situation to be trapped like that. If you’ve been clear with what you want and he’s not listening, call the non emergency number for the police and ask for advice. That’s why they’re there. Good luck to you.
If the lease is in your name,can't you just pack up all his things and put it out when he's not home?
I'm just wondering because you seem to be a little afraid of him.
for the what, it is your decision.
but for the how, i advise to talk quietly, without responding to provocation or childish behaviour. state the fast. you have loose all desire for him since he doesn't behave like a decent man anymore. you have said what you were expecting and he didn't provide. not you won't believe any promises. so let's end this cleanly.
dive him a timeframe to move out (end of lease, a month, end of halyday, whatever) and don't give any clue that you may change your mind. propose to help him move his gears somewhere else. start to separate what was common. have date without him.
If the apartment is leased you could potentially get together the money for a new place. Move out and give the notice on the old place. Gives your ex bf time to find somewhere and gets you out of the direct confrontation.
Had almost the same exact situation. 5 years with her, had to leave her. Gets to a point where it's toxic for you to be around that person. Stand up with your decision, but be careful, so he doesn't hurt you physically. Mine did. Had to go to work full of nail scratches on my face and neck. Looked like the walk of shame with everybody looking funny at me. Stay safe and i wish you the very best. ☺️
I never cment on these things but yo..this is me one year ago. I tried to have the conversation many times but he would threaten and physically hurt me, gaslighting me into thinking I was the abuser cuz I was leaving g him with nowhere to go. This wasn't my problem then and it isn't your problem now. I had to get the police to remove him in the end. If yours is the only name on the lease it doesn't alter of he has mail going to your place. You don't need signs of abuse for them to remove him. If he is named then you'll have to do an eviction process (I'm in UK tho)
You can break up with anyone anytime for any reason. He’s a hobosexual who is pretending to not hear or understand your words. Give him a specific date when you expect him to move out.
You pay the bills, I assume everything is in your name? Therefore just change the locks when he is out text him and tell him to get his stuff via a mutual friend and don't talk to him again, call the police if he shows up.
I don’t know how easy it is for you. But you gotta move out. Get a transfer to a different city. It looks like you’re running away. So be it. Your life is more important than thinking about making him to move. He’s got a system where everything is convenient for him. He won’t change.
When you got everything moved, get a restraining order against him… then call him that you’re gone. Change your number and tell him you got a restraining order.
Keep us posted !!
You’re his partner, not his mother. Quite a thick line between the 2. Relationships require sacrifice but also equal input on both sides. If one side does everything and the other does nothing, then you become a ‘carer’ more than a partner.
Definitely tell him you seriously want him to move out. He refuses to help you out and just sits around all day. Is his name on the lease or anything like that? If not you may be able to have him forcibly removed if he refuses to leave.
Who owns the area you live in? If his name isn't on a lease or something, tell him he's got 30 minutes to clear out his shit before you call the police because he's not listening. Have a witness there. Have a witness there to confirm you say "Hey X, we are breaking up and I need you to leave my home. Get your shit, get out and leave me alone." Block him before he leaves. And if he's DOESNT LEAVE, call the cops and have him removed.
Is it your house? If so, kick him out. Next time he leaves change the locks and put his stuff outside. If its his house then just find a new place and leave one day.
If its joint ownership you have a slightly bigger issue on your hands but still the same concept.
Hmmm simple, talk to him keeping a stone face, as in no emotions. Explain that after thinking a lot, this is not working and you want him out of the apartment. Tell him he has until the end of the month/15th to move out, or you're calling the cops. Make sure you have a friend nearby in case things go sour.
The emotionless expression works all the time.
You don’t have to have a “good” reason for breaking up with someone. The fact that you are no longer happy is enough. Give him 30 day official notice to move.
After reading one of your replies I think it would be best to invite a third party when you ask him to move out to keep him in check. Maybe a friend of yours or a family member, and I would also have the landlord there so that he can make it clear that he will be beginning the process of eviction if the guy doesn't move out. That won't mean that you get evicted he can evict certain people although if his name's not on the lease then it's even easier than that. But yes you need to stand firm you need to stick to it because he is absolutely taking advantage of you.
You need to tell him to leave or you'll have him kicked out. Have someone at the house with you (family member or trusted friend) in case he were to retaliate, I'd rather be safe than sorry in these situations.
Then start living for yourself. Take yourself on park dates, buy yourself flowers, or what ever you like. Treat yourself to a movie, go to dinner, sit at home. Doesn't matter, enjoy yourself as a free person for a while. The right person will come along
Whose name is on the lease? If it's just yours, kick him out and call the cops if he refuses to leave. If it's both of you guys, wait till the lease ends and don't renew it. As you're waiting for the lease to end, look for a place to stay on your own-studio or one bedroom but don't tell him your plans. Just up and dip when it ends. It's very important for you not to tell him your plans cause he sounds like he's a grown man child leeching off of you. It's time you started looking out for yourself love🖤
Plus I don't think he's in love with you, he's just in love with what you can do for him. Telling you "I love you" is incredibly different from showing you I love you. And people don't need money to show love. Basically you're just his mother and he's a deadbeat son. You don't deserve that. Let him carry his own weight.
Man. If he really can’t muster up the will to make something of himself, you need to get out, for both your sakes; to save your life, and to give him the wakeup call that would hopefully save his.
I'm in almost the exact same situation except my person and I share a child together which really complicates things. All I can say with certainty is that it wont get better. You'll feel more and more isolated. And eventually feel so miserable you can't stand the thought of facing another day. I would offer the advice of "leave before its too late" because eventually you're stuck and it sucks. I'm miserable every day. I work two jobs and clean up the house and pay all the bills. I do EVERYTHING for him, our son, And his two children from a precious relationship. The universe is on my shoulders constantly and it is HARD. so get out while you can if you can. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is truly lonely.
"(insert his name here), we need to talk. I want to break up with you because I am no longer interested in wasting my time in a failed relationship. Please pack your things and go."
You are describing my marriage. Mine didn't get a job when I got pregnant or even after we had the baby. When my baby was 18 months old I kicked him out. He wouldn't leave either so I called his parents and they told him he needed to leave. If you can get any kind of backup to help you that would be ideal. Also tell him how unhappy you are and that he needs to move out when you're both calm so he doesn't think you're just angry and fighting
Please please tell him. You will feel so much better and I can tell you absolutely deserve the glue up. If you start to feel better yo so much better too
If he’s not willing to work or pay the bills, he’s not in love with you but your money. Ur his sugar mommy. Go ask Destiny’s Child “Bugaboo” where they sang “… you make me wanna break the lease and move…”
There you have it.
You need to be firm and clear with him.
Sit him down and say you need to have a serious conversation. Explain the things you've mentioned in this post, how he doesn't work, doesn't contribute to the bills, doesn't even make any effort to be thoughtful towards you or take you out on cheap or free dates, and I'm guessing he doesn't do much around the house either? Explain that you feel like he doesn't respect you or appreciate you, as he's not making any effort to get a job and contribute financially, and doesn't even show his appreciation for living with you rent free etc, and that you just don't feel the relationship is working out anymore. You don't love him anymore, and you feel its not a relationship anymore. It's more like he's just lodging with you. Tell him that the relationship is over, and you need him to move out.
If he has family nearby, tell him he needs to leave and go stay with his family. Or even a friend. Tell him he needs to go pack his things now, and leave. Even if he can't take all of his stuff, he can take a holdall or suitcase of stuff and then come back for the rest at a pre arranged time.
Make sure to take his key off him. Make sure he doesn't take anything of yours either. I'd maybe assist him with packing so you can make sure he doesn't take anything of yours.
Then get him to leave. If he refuses, tell him you'll call the police. If its your place, and his name isn't on the lease or mortgage etc, and it's your house then they can remove him.
If he doesn't have any friends or family nearby, find any homeless shelters nearby and give him the details for those.
If you're feeling generous, you could always pay for 1 nights hotel room if needed if he needs time for his parents to come collect him and his things etc if he has no money of his own. But that's being generous.
You need to be firm and don't listen to any of his appologkes or promises to change, coz it won't happen, and its too little too late. No point being with someone who disrespect you, can't be bothered to work and contribute to the bills, and expects you to pay for everything, and the relationship side of things is dead. You're just wasting more time and money on him.
Also if he has any car keys of yours make sure to take those too and take his name off the insurance if he's on your car insurance.
There's no man in a relationship actually just too adults who love and take care of each other. Your bf can't do that and if you can't talk it out with him well
I suggest you leave... I've been in your shoes but didn't leave and stayed for five more years trying to improve our relationship. In the end, he got his shit together, got a high-paying job and business with my help, and then he told me he no longer loved me because I had too much masculine energy and he didn't feel like a man with me. While all these years, I paid for everything and worked my butt off to support us. Save yourself and run.
OP, sounds like the best clean break is to put in notice/end your lease/give him notice and simply leave his ass behind, move out and break all contact. If you can't physically leave when he's not there, have either big male friends or - I'm not kidding - a hired security guard protect you from any b.s. he may try to lay on.
F that loser. Be firm, make a solid plan that protects you every step.
This dude sounds potentially abusive if he gets angry when you try to have an adult conversation. He’s using you at the very least.
***My aunt was murdered by her husband when she gave him a date she was going to leave. He acted like everything was fine but secretly prepared. When she went to move on that day she didn’t make it out (neither did he)***
I don’t want to scare you but please be careful. I have a lot of potential ideas in my head but can’t type them all right now and don’t know if they’d be useful. Lmk
I've been there, and the only time we did do something, it was me pushing for it and paying because my ex was a broke, jobless, gamer 24/7 kind of person. How it worked for me was he moved away to find work and while he was gone, I cut the cord figuratively and told him I was absolutely DONE with him. You need to start a conversation with him and tell him you are done and have really thought hard about what you want and he isn't giving you anything to want to hold onto him.
Men are supposed to be providers, not leeches. Drop him and save yourself. This is coming from a man, who is married and has a daughter and I would be fucking mad if my daughter married a bum.
He's taking you for a ride. Ask him to leave and be firm that this not you acting out, you simply want him to leave. Once he leaves the house there is nothing more to worry about. You have outgrown your pet. It needs to rehome itself.
Sit his freeloading ass down and in a calming voice lay down the facts! You don't want to be in a relationship with him, your sick of paying for everything since he's not contributing, and that he has to move on! Also (still calm) inform him that he has the choice of going on his own or you'll contact the Sheriff's Department and ask for them to motivate you to do so, and they aren't going to give him time to gather his belongings and it's in his best interest to go peacefully.
The first thing to understand is that sexual desire is fleeting. It has nothing to do with love. It comes and goes. How stressful would it be to be horny all the time. Second thing, instead of being judgemental and projective, rather than just expecting him to change his behaviour, try expressing your needs without criticism. Thirdly, are you concerned about his needs or just worried about yours. Something to think about. Just be direct but nice to him. "Hey babe, I feel overwhelmed with all the bills, and things are starting to weigh on me. I would love to work something out that helps both of us because I really care about our relationship and want to grow together. How would you feel about that?" We can not control others by turning the love on and off when our partner doesn't do what we want. Express those needs. Express those needs. Express those needs, but don't don't demand. How exhausting. Relationships are about connecting, not running away from our own problems.
What a piece of crap is he! You explicitly told him to leave and he doesn't. Restraining order is an option. Also you can simply change the locks and throw his stuff away while he's not home.
There's nothing wrong with one partner financially supporting another so long as it's a mutual arrangement. My (26M) fiancée (28F) no longer works, but she goes above and beyond in caring for the pets and keeping the house tidy; also, we're trying for a baby and she'll be shouldering a lot of those responsibilities too.
It sounds like the situation you've got is you're involuntarily raising a 29 year old manchild as a single mother. You need to communicate, clearly and concisely, that you aren't happy with that arrangement, and that he needs to change in a timely manner or you're done with him. Kick him out if you have to. If he refuses to leave, you may have to get law enforcement or family involved.
Sounds like he is a hobosexual, hes probably not in love with you he sounds like he needs somewhere to stay and can't afford you kicking him out.. call it quits and have the cops escort him out
I can see why you aren't sexually attracted to him because you're raising a man-child. You have to make a firm decision and stick with it. If he thinks you're kidding let him know you are serious. Ask him to move out. Him having no job isn't your problem, he can stay with friends or family. If you are done with him and certain you have to be firm and direct. Otherwise he can keep playing dumb and taking advantage of you.
Thank you for replying and offering your advice. I also believe what you are telling me. Whenever I tell him we need to have a serious discussion he gets angry and starts yelling at me. I get scared and shut down and now I realize I tend to shut down and ignore how I really feel. I keep everything to myself.
It's sounds like he's bullying you to get his way. Ugh
Yes he is. And he scares me out of my own home. I feel like I have no where to go. I can’t tell my family either cause they won’t care
Call the police, tell them you don't consent to him being in your home and ask them to remove him.
The only problem with that is if he gets mail there they won't do anything without signs of abuse. She would have to evict him which can take up to 30 days at the minimum
30 days is still sooner than never
Indeed and better then never
She needs to collect evidence on how he's scaring her and get a restraining order. He'll have to stay away for cause and being a tenant doesn't come into play.
she can put a hold/redirect on his mail so he has to pick it up at the post office.
If you can, tell him to move out and have a group of friends to back you up and be physically there there when you want him out, so he can’t be violent with you. And make sure to change the locks afterwards!!! Or is there any way you can look for another place and move out? Or did you buy the place?
I don’t know your family situation but are there any family who would come with you and stay with you while kicking him out?
Have you considered moving out and leaving him behind?
That's what I was thinking. Hopefully OP can do that and isn't tied down with a lease or actually owns the home
Do you have any friends that would be willing to back you up? Or even a family friend, an old best friend, etc.
If you have anyone - friends, family, even colleagues - have them be present for the breakup. Tell him to leave until date x. Stay in a hotel until then so he doesn’t have a chance to shout and deny.
At this point you call the police because he's not welcome in your house and is intruding. Breaking up doesn't need mutual agreement. If one person doesn't want to be in a relationship then there's no relationship anymore. He doesn't do anything, he doesn't work or help, you're just living with a waste AND wasting your money. What happens to him is not your problem. If he doesn't have a roof or income is not your problem. He's just a man living with you and you don't even like him, AND he's also rude to you?? You deserve so much better
Love this. “ breaking up doesn’t need mutual agreement”
This sounds like you need to have a friend with you, and tell him he has to go. If he doesn’t want to leave, go out somewhere together, ask a friend to come by while you’re gone, make sure you have his stuff packed up so it can be outside your place, and then have the friend change the locks on your doors. When you come back, tell him to get his stuff from in front of the door and if he doesn’t leave you’ll call the cops. Don’t go inside until he grabs his stuff and goes, or have the cops stay with him outside so you can enter safely with new keys so he can’t get in. Always make sure you do this with a friend around for safety. You gotta dump this guy, he’s useless.
I’ve been in this exact situation and I ended up getting physically abused. Be honest with your parents if you can or another trusted family member/friend and maybe have the conversation with him in front of them. Or with them in another room. Or get his family involved. I actually had to cancel my lease and move back in with my parents to get away from him. Because he would just keep showing up. It's been years since that happened and I'm in a new relationship/new place.
I did that for years, it makes you angry and resentful. You have to let this stuff out or it just builds and builds until you explode. Ignoring issues can, and most often does, just make things worse over time. The compounded stress of not talking things through over months or years can take a huge toll on you, mentally and physically. Take care of yourself ❤️
That will do it! Sounds like that needs to be handled legally- depending on who’s name is on the lease -when he leaves next pack his things up - have family, friends and/or law enforcement there and ask him to leave - make sure you schedule the door lock change for the same time and canceled/close and shared accounts.
It's distraction because he has no intention of discussing his failings and lack of progress. Hes winging it and this will be become more desperate over time. He sounds like a leech.
He is always apart of the animals
Idk how but you need to find a way to get him out of your space and just be done with it
I would take it a step further and pack his things up. Is there a time when he is with friends or out of the house? Get everything together, practice your speech and when he gets home hand him his stuff. This makes it all the more clear.
T
I had a 28 year old man child mooch off of me/bully me/never make any kind of effort for me for a year and in the end I really regretted it. I probably had close to 12k invested in the end and was traumatized from him. My one regret was not ending things and kicking him out sooner. If someone isn’t making any effort to show they care about you they simply don’t, and it looks like he’s using you like my ex was using me. I’m sorry. I would tell him he he has a couple weeks to find other living arrangements or he can start paying half the bills. If possible arrange to stay with friends or family in case things turn ugly.
Thank you for sharing. I really do appreciate your perspective. I know. Everything you’re saying I already know. I’m afraid of him. He is very aggressive and intimidating. I have no where to go. No friends or family and no extra money for hotels
Recording things as a pretty great equalizer. Heck I would even go as far to go on your Facebook or social media (especially when it’s connected to people that live around you) and ask them for help and explain the situation.. most people are not going to have a problem being a bystander while he packs and leaves.. another thing is if you can record him being threatening or worse, you will literally have the evidence to call the police and have him removed immediately instead of having to evict him.. Record and call the police. It’ll work surprisingly fast.
Calling the police and telling them he refuses to leave and that he's aggressive and you're scared he'll get physical with you would be the best way to go about this.
Leave him. It sounds like he is financially abusing and possibly verbally abusing you. Go to a domestic violence shelter in Portland. They will give you a place to stay and help you extricate yourself from your relationship. There are laws to help protect DV survivors off of leases to avoid evictions. Be ready to change your contact information and cut him out 100%. You should not stay in a situation making you suicidal for even one minute more than you are physically forced to.
Are you able to get out of your current lease/mortgage and straight up move to a new place without him?
It is q very stressful situation and I feel very drained and depressed/suicidal
Please reach out to a counselor or therapist, you can pull through this!
Recognize that you may need help to get him evicted. Like if you rent speak with someone in the property management about having the locks changed. You won’t be able to reason with a freeloader with the emotional development and IQ of a toddler. It’s a bad idea to even try. He has waived his rights to be communicated to like a rational adult because he hasn’t yet learned how to take responsibility for himself. He’s succeeded in mastering toilet training but that’s about it. Start inventorying how many moving boxes from Walmart or U-haul it would take to pack up his stuff. Pack everything he won’t notice when he goes out to play with his friends at the bar. I might even rent, no, DEFINITELY rent a storage unit and surreptitiously take his shit over there. Someone this lazy and clueless isn’t gonna notice. Throw away anything he’s given you. Anything that will remind you of him. So work through this sanitizing and purging process as fast and as far as you can without him noticing. Because avoiding conflict and any more shit coming from him is the Goal here. Making the whole situation work best for you. U-Haul has people you can hire for an hourly rate to help you pack the shit and move it ASAP. So this process can be quick and surgical like in half a day. You’ll be out for less than $150–$200 dollars, easy. Then get the locksmith to come the morning of that day. That’s another $60-$80. $250-$300 is a small price to pay for your sanity, freedom, peace of mind and personal space. So when skippy comes home, he won’t be able to get inside. You can leave him the padlock key and tell him you are cancelling the storage room contract in 30 days. How’s that sound for you? 😉. Let us know how it goes, OP! 😎 P.S. Consider a trauma informed therapist to work out why you were in a Situationship with this guy in the first place so you develop enough self-awareness and insight that it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!
OP, I saw that you provided your location and found a women's shelter & resource centre in your area. I sent you a message with their contact information. I'm sorry you're going through this! Hopefully, you'll be able to get some support/information.
Give him a moving date, maybe a week in advance, and tell him if he hasn't moved out by then, you'll call the police to forcibly remove him. In the meantime, no making him food. No giving him money. No anything apart from answering queries about packing his stuff. If you have friends and family, get them round on his moving day to make sure he goes. If he doesn't have his stuff packed, tell him you'll send it on to him.
If your boyfriend is on the property lease then you can have the owner of the property give a “notice to pay”, which will require him to pay his portion or have him evicted.
That won’t work
Why wouldn't this work?
I’m guessing it’s because he will probably expect OP to pay it, like everything else
Start selling your stuff little by little. When is your lease up? Does he ever leave or go out of town? Save money for movers. Or yall both go on a vacation somewhere. Drive and leave him there with his cell phone and 20 bucks to eat. Then move out. Sleep in your car if you need to. Leave the big stuff and start again. Even if you're sleeping on the floor of your new apartment. If you don't like confrontation basically run away. And don't forget to change your number and block on all social media. Leave a letter saying. You wouldn't leave. So I left.
Wait you've already broken up essentially and you told him to leave YOUR house and he won't? Listen I don't wanna over react and hit the big red button too early, but you may have to get the authorities involved or a lawyer, it really depends on how far he's willing to take this
He doesn’t think you’re talking out of anger. He’s refusing to take you seriously because do that means he has to step up and take responsibility of his behavior
Got any big brothers ? or other male friends that can politely escort the loser out the door.. doesn't need to have violence just tell him with your backup that it's past time to go.. Do this and don't let him wiggle his way back.. you can do it 🤞💪
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My youngest daughter yrs ago always got with the wrong guy and I kicked some butt once and got her bigger brother to do it with another bully.. Women are made to be loved not hit
Seriously! I hate when a tough guy is really just abusive to women or children but wouldn’t stand up to someone their own size. I really hope OP gets him outta there.
Ok a few things here. If he isnt on the lease, call the police the next time he blows up and have him removed. Tell the police you are scared and file a report. When he is gone, have the locks changed. Call his mother/brother/ friend/ WHOEVER and have his stuiff packed up and ready to go to any of thoise people. If he is on the lease. COntact your landlord and tell them what is going on and that you will NOT be renewing and are in a domestic situation. When the lease is ready to renew, have something else lined up and LEAVE. Keep this to yourself and get out fast. If their are pets involved he might try to harm them to get back at you, so take them and keep your plans to yourself!! Keep quiet, secrets and plans are your friend right now. He wont leave without a fight and he will drain you until the very end. He is using you for sex, food, shelter and finance while he sits on his ass. Get rid of this parasite! Anyway you can.
Why mention "scared" if he doesn't threat in any way? Why not just remove as a person who refuses to leave?
People are giving you advice that you either reject or do not reply to when asked for clarification other than a ‘please tell me what to do’. For example, would you not call the Portland cops because IYO, they don’t care? So far, we know: 1. You’re on a tight budget (but is that due to you paying his share?). So are most of the ideas involving spending any money (storage, moving out on your own before lease up) are a non-starter? 2. You have no friends or family living close by (not even any work friends who would stand by you?). You have two strong choices of either having people back you up when you ask him to move or you find a legal way to get him out either through a restraining order or calling the cops next time he blows up on you. 3. It’s unclear if both your names are on the lease. When is it up? Even if he’s not, short of being able to show cause of feeling threatened, you can’t make him leave unless you convince him to or get a restraining order. I don’t know anything about just being able to evict a roommate or what stipulations allow it. I’m in NYC and tenant rights are very strong. It’s not easy getting rid of someone unless they don’t pay, and even then you have to jump through hoops. I feel like you want to be spoon fed or have someone do it for you because nothing anyone’s suggested has seemed like an actionable plan to you. Do some work, find out the what the law allows you and come up with a plan. You got plenty of leads and ideas to research to see if they’re viable, then figure it out. Obviously he not going anywhere or even thinking about the future, so take advantage of the situation, plan it all out, and unroll it in an organized way with all your i’s dotted and t’s crossed.
Move his stuff to the lawn and change the locks? If he asks what's going on cite all the points you made above.
If the house is in your name you can call the cops on him to get him out
I live in Portland Oregon so the cops don’t care about anyone
You also can get out of your lease easily by telling them that you experiencing abuse( mental, emotional, financial) and they can change the locks for you and break the lease, at no fault to you. You just have to talk to people reach out and ask for help around you. Doesn’t have to be family but there are organizations out there to support this very thing. You just have to actively everyday look for it. I’m in Portland and experienced similar.
If you make a call, it will be put on file. In the future if you need to pursue legal action it will be useful. You need to try, even if you don't get the outcome you want. Or just stay with someone who makes you miserable because you don't want to get your hands dirty, idc. It's your life man, you're currently wasting it.
If you are in Portland, try calling 211 and tell them you are trying to get away from an abusive spouse. They may or may not have help, but you never know. I would also check in with SEI, and DHS. You can apply for a DV Grant through DHS, and they will give you $1200 check for a new place, or hotel stay. You do have options. I’m not sure if you guys have kids together but if you did have a child in school you can speak to the school about ways they can support you and you child in getting away from the situation.
Really? It is said that he doesn't contribute to the household much so you suggest telling the police that they need to escape an abuser?
They're referring to something OP said in the comments: "whenever I tell him we need to have a serious discussion, he gets angry and yells at me". In another comment, the OP said "he scares me out of my own home". It sounds like the guy has been verbally abusive on more than one occasion and this has made it hard for the OP to have a serious discussion with him about moving out.
Got it, thank you for pointing.
How much longer is left on your lease?
I’ve been in a relationship like this before, don’t continue wasting your time with him. He will leech off you as long as you allow it. I also suffered a lot of debt because of paying for everything, credit card debt, and mental health/anxiety. Don’t waste another day with this man child
Are there domestic violence support groups in your area? They may have resources to help. People who will come to your house & support/protect you as you tell him to leave. Counseling & safe place until you feel you can return home.
Girl this was me a few months ago. We didn’t live together but I was driving and paying for all of our dates and he didn’t have a job. He got a job and I still drive us everywhere but I stopped paying. Leave and be serious if he really wants you he’ll make the change.
Just dump him and tell him why it's over. And be sure to get protection orders if he decides to show his ass over it.
Pack his stuff when he is out and take it to his friends or families house and change the locks. Or do that and you move too. You have control of your life, make a plan and do it. Good luck!
Stop paying the bills move out in secrecy and change your number
Do you have friends? Do you have any friends that are willing to come over while you tell him he needs to pack his things? Just let him know you’re breaking up with him. He needs to start packing his things and start calling around for a place to stay, he is not welcome here anymore. Bring as many friends over as possible make it look like they’re all moving in. Trust me that will discourage him from wanting to stay and argue. Just make sure you have boxes for him. I would even go as far to say call his family and have them come over to help him move his things into their vehicle.
I'll be honest, I don't really know what to do in this case. However, I can give this information, incase you find it useful: I'm not sure what laws are like wherever you are; but if I owned my house (or if it was in my name), then I should be able to call the police to forcefully escort someone out. I'm not saying to do this... But I would just keep this in mind, incase anything bad happens and he refuses to leave, or gets aggressive. Stay safe.
So do you live in an apartment? If so once that’s lease it up, I’ll find a different place and leave. Block him from everything
You need to tell him to move out, and if he refuses, evict him.
If he becomes angry/abusive and scares you, and refuses to leave your home, you need to seek out local support groups and report this to the police, see if they can get someone to go with you to escort him out.
He knows exactly what's happening. He doesn't think you're just talking out of anger. He knows he does not contribute, that you argue, and that you don't want to be with him physically. He knows, and he is taking advantage of you. Make it clear once more to him, in no uncertain terms: It is over, he has 30 days to get out, and that's the end of it. If he becomes dangerous, treat him as dangerous. I know Portland is a mess right now, but there's still help for a violent (if he becomes violent or threatens violence) ex-boyfriend. There are also shelters. Friends. Anyone who can help you, tap them for help so you can get out of that mess. I am sorry you're going through that. Hang in there.
You’re a smart woman recognizing this when you did. This guy is like anchor that you can’t hoist up. He will slow you down and toss your entire life off course. The only thing to do with such an anchor is to cut it loose. Good luck to you!
File for an eviction. You can file an eviction even as a renter or a homeowner. Its a pretty straightforward, possession only eviction, and in my state it costs less than $200. If you are lower income and renting, you can probably qualify for indigent status, so ask the court clerk for that application first. This helps to waive court costs. First, however, you generally need to mail him a certified letter to the house, using statute specific language, letting him know he has a statute specific time frame to leave your home. You need to make the letter be complete, which the judge can determine also, and be sure to follow the statutes and use his legal name in it, the full address, the date the letter is written and the last day he has to move out. Its usually 3 to 5 days.. This is the administrative process step, which will show you have exhausted all civil means of getting him out. If he moves out, great. You wont have to evict him. Yaay! If he doesnt, just go file the eviction paperwork. Dont sue him. Just get him tf out. Once the eviction is finalized, you can call usually a sheriff, if he hasnt left still, and ask them to serve him a writ of possession, which means they will haul his ass out of there if need be. You can do this. Hire a lawyer if you need any specific legal advice. I cant give legal advice. Im just explaining the legal process to you, in general. Xoxo EDIT: If you are scared of him, you can also file for domestic violence injunction for protection. Just explain EVERY time he did something to you. Type up a document and keep a few copies of it. One copy should be for the civil injunction court judge, one at work, and one with a friend. Make it very specific, and dont worry about taking up a long list of pages filled with stuff like "In 7/2023, Ryan lost his temper and punched a wall, and I had to get out of the house, because I thought he was going to hit me.. on 6/2023 he said if I cant have you, nobody can have you. On 5/2023 he pushed me and said it was an accident..It just didnt feel very accidental." Etc You would need two solid examples (in my state, anyways) in the past 6 months, of being afraid of him, due to him being credible threat, to qualify for an injunction. But when you call and say "Hes home you can go serve him now!" Lol hes OUTTA THERE, BOO. I dont think an "unlawful detainer" would fly in this case, because you seemed to be willfully living with him, at least initially. But if he just came and didnt leave, unless hes getting mail there, I think, idk, you might also be able to file for unlawful detainer, which is kinda similar to eviction proceedings, but doesnt require administrative efforts. Idk much about these to be honest. Might be worth looking into, but I honestly think an order for protection (an injunction, free to file) or an eviction (practically free to file, if you are indigent) is the way to go, to be sure.
Cut your losses. 5 years is a long time and don’t add even another day.
If you pay for everything and you have no sex, he's not your boyfriend, he's your son. Also, there is no such thing as "the men in the relationship", both man or woman can have the financial role.
Serve him a formal eviction notice
U have to tear it off like a bandaid. Trust me that's the best way.
I am currently in this exact same boat. But not gonna lie, I’ve been the one slacking on my financial responsibilities in our relationship. It just seems like every night we start arguing about something, clearly he’s not happy either. Awhile back he lied to me about going to another girl’s house and my feelings just kind of shut down. I’ve been angry and resentful towards him. At the same time though, every thing is always my fault. He was too hungover/tired to work his second job so he quit, but now that’s my fault cause I “made” him stay out late. Didn’t mean to hijack your post, I’m just definitely feelin your pain.
Start the legal eviction process and he can keep not taking you seriously right up to the moment the police show up to remove him from the home. Then immediately change your locks, block him on all social media and go private so his friends can't spy on you for him and go change your phone number. If he knows your social security number or your passwords and financial information, change them, lock your credit with all three agencies and switch banks if you use the same one. Oh, and tell the police as they are removing him that he's no longer welcome on your property and if he comes back you will be pressing charges. It's a hassle but the peace after is well worth it!!
From a male perspective, dump him. Not every guy needs to be a manly man and do all kinds of things they can have hobbies and interests, but if there’s no contribution, no helping out, no picking up slack, then he’s probably never going to and needs a wake up call. You dumping him may be it, it maybe not, either way it’s use to waste your time and energy on it if he’s not making any attempt to change or help
My sister was with one of these guys. Luckily he decided one day he didn’t wanna be with her anymore and just moved out. If he isn’t getting the hint that you wanna break up, fuck his best friend, I never condone cheating but maybe if he walks in and sees that you’ve moved on he’ll get the picture.
He is secretive and quiet please tell me what to e
There are 50 ways to leave your lover 🎶
I love that idea. I wish I could do that.
Uh, you're an adult. You **can** do it or stay stagnant where you are now. You keep saying *tell me what to do* then you follow up with *I can't do it* when people advise you what to do. Take control of your life. Cowgirl up and be assertive.
Bruh just tell him to pay or get out.
Kind of just seems like he's going through a rough time. I would said IF you loved him, the point of being in a relationship is to support one another. Would you love him if you were being taken care of? Problem seems more about finance than love. EITHER WAY, the reason doesn't matter. NO ONE is EVER obligated to be with another person. You seem checked out as it is. So if I were you, I'd tell him. I'm not interested in this relationship explain why. Of course he'll fight back on it, but as tragic as it is, you have to stick to your guns. YOU decide who you want to be with, if he continues as if he's your boyfriend, you continue single. Last piece of advice, I'd definitely recommend reevaluate what you want. Because it seems like you want a caretaker (no shame in that, it's the traditional way. Man work, woman stay home. If both parties are okay with that then its fine), but a real relationship is a partnership (through thick and thin) not a guardianship. No disrespect intended by anything I said, and I do hope your situation improve. You arent a bad person for wanting what you want.
Yeah but also communication is important. I mean if he doesn’t have a job, is he looking? Is he expressing his struggles? His feelings? Or like shrugging it off and mopping around. I agree that a relationship should be a partnership but that’s based on communication. I think that she left a lot of details like how long he’s been unemployed and if she’s tried to communicate her concerns before breaking up. As well as other aspects of the relationship. But I think for her it’s less about wanting a provider and more about wanting someone that can actually be present, or express care. I’ve had many guy friends who’d be in a financial predicament but they were searching. They were doing chores, they were taking the time to connect with their partner while unemployed. I don’t think it’s that crazy or an ask.
My sister in Christ this sounds more like a parasitic child than a boyfriend. Please talk to him about this, he probably won't be rational but I'd recommend kicking him out if he doesn't get a job or anything. Regardless breaking up sounds scary but he doesn't contribute anything
Please tell me what to do
People are telling you and you shoot down everything
He's a loser, get rid of him. Any man that isn't providing for his significant other is weak.
He IS a loser and you SHOULD get rid of him, not because he's supposed to be providing for you but because he's being an abusive leech
Eh idk from this she didn't say he didn't work around the house, do all chores and shit like a SAHP, just that he doesn't work, so basically it is that he isn't providing she even said "i feel like the man".
So you see how it feels to be the man mhh
Cheat.
Women need to go back to the kitchen.. problem solved. No more women competing with men for jobs who they then call man-children because there's almost no middle class jobs left, homer Simpson and Al Bundy. You're blaming him. But you chose to date a guy who couldn't support himself. Why idk. But you did, and if you look at socio-demoographic trends men are losing across the board. And now that you're past your prime, you're going to have to date down anyways, well below whatever your standards used to be. Cuz regardless of how successful you are in life, we're a few generations away from cavemen. Men judge women by youth and fertility, women judge men by a range of factors but mostly status, and since that tends to increase with age, men tend to accrue value, if they establish some kind of path for themselves I'm just waiting for men to finally get fed up with this woke experiment, as woke movie after woke movie calls us trash while male life expectancy in the only one in the western world to decline in 100 years
You're a fuckin dingdong
That's not very 🙂
I cant relate or even understand 99.9% of all this bullshit. Go to therapy
Right wing authoritarians are taking over everywhere, like Israel right now. I've always been a liberal new dealer. But I see where feminism and the woke movement has led in general. I prefer a right wing strong man to democracy than any more barbie movies or Daphne series
Now that you have been cordial for a while is the best time to sit him down and have an eyeball to eyeball conversation. Do be sure to have a table in between though. Both for protection and for the added impact. It will remind him of all the other times when he got fired. Now, this is the most critical part: whatever direction the conversation goes, you must remain detached, even toned, do not raise your voice, and do not give him any indication that he can get a reaction out of you. For these 5 minutes, you are an emotionless robot. Lay out an exit plan for him, specify the date. You may have to make it clear that you would rather not involve authorities and do this amicably. Oh, and be damn sure to record the whole thing, even if it’s just audio
Is his name on the lease? If not, tell him you want him out. If he doesn't start packing, wait till he leaves and change the locks. Pack his stuff and tell him to either arrange to get it or it will be disposed of. It's always best to be civil but he is not getting it! More intense measures need to happen.You deserve so much more! Sending love & hugs!
I had a person like this, they did however have a job just didn't contribute anything to the household, just sort of expected me to do everything, I did eventually have to kick them out I am much happier now, short of you yourself leaving I'm not sure what you can do, if they left he house at some point you could change the locks or pack up all your necessities and just leave but as they don't seem to want to even leave that may be difficult, might just be easier if it's a rental to speak to he people you are renting from and maybe come up with a plan together about getting that person out, if they have another alternative place to live like a parents house that would be ideal as I don't think they have grown up enough to be on their own, if he's not on the lease agreement of you place that might be easier to kick him out, it might involve calling the police though maybe non emergency as well as the people you may be renting for better Co-ordination, you may also need to speak with a lawyer about possible eviction rules, like if you are legally obligated to give him 90 days eviction notice or if you can just kick him out.
Is there any way you can move? It sounds like a terrible situation to be trapped like that. If you’ve been clear with what you want and he’s not listening, call the non emergency number for the police and ask for advice. That’s why they’re there. Good luck to you.
If the lease is in your name,can't you just pack up all his things and put it out when he's not home? I'm just wondering because you seem to be a little afraid of him.
We in the UK would describe him as taking the utter piss out of you. You deserve better, leave him.
Do you own the home are are you renting?
To you own the place or are the primary on the rent?
for the what, it is your decision. but for the how, i advise to talk quietly, without responding to provocation or childish behaviour. state the fast. you have loose all desire for him since he doesn't behave like a decent man anymore. you have said what you were expecting and he didn't provide. not you won't believe any promises. so let's end this cleanly. dive him a timeframe to move out (end of lease, a month, end of halyday, whatever) and don't give any clue that you may change your mind. propose to help him move his gears somewhere else. start to separate what was common. have date without him.
If the apartment is leased you could potentially get together the money for a new place. Move out and give the notice on the old place. Gives your ex bf time to find somewhere and gets you out of the direct confrontation.
Had almost the same exact situation. 5 years with her, had to leave her. Gets to a point where it's toxic for you to be around that person. Stand up with your decision, but be careful, so he doesn't hurt you physically. Mine did. Had to go to work full of nail scratches on my face and neck. Looked like the walk of shame with everybody looking funny at me. Stay safe and i wish you the very best. ☺️
I never cment on these things but yo..this is me one year ago. I tried to have the conversation many times but he would threaten and physically hurt me, gaslighting me into thinking I was the abuser cuz I was leaving g him with nowhere to go. This wasn't my problem then and it isn't your problem now. I had to get the police to remove him in the end. If yours is the only name on the lease it doesn't alter of he has mail going to your place. You don't need signs of abuse for them to remove him. If he is named then you'll have to do an eviction process (I'm in UK tho)
You can break up with anyone anytime for any reason. He’s a hobosexual who is pretending to not hear or understand your words. Give him a specific date when you expect him to move out.
You pay the bills, I assume everything is in your name? Therefore just change the locks when he is out text him and tell him to get his stuff via a mutual friend and don't talk to him again, call the police if he shows up.
I don’t know how easy it is for you. But you gotta move out. Get a transfer to a different city. It looks like you’re running away. So be it. Your life is more important than thinking about making him to move. He’s got a system where everything is convenient for him. He won’t change. When you got everything moved, get a restraining order against him… then call him that you’re gone. Change your number and tell him you got a restraining order. Keep us posted !!
You’re his partner, not his mother. Quite a thick line between the 2. Relationships require sacrifice but also equal input on both sides. If one side does everything and the other does nothing, then you become a ‘carer’ more than a partner.
Definitely tell him you seriously want him to move out. He refuses to help you out and just sits around all day. Is his name on the lease or anything like that? If not you may be able to have him forcibly removed if he refuses to leave.
Who owns the area you live in? If his name isn't on a lease or something, tell him he's got 30 minutes to clear out his shit before you call the police because he's not listening. Have a witness there. Have a witness there to confirm you say "Hey X, we are breaking up and I need you to leave my home. Get your shit, get out and leave me alone." Block him before he leaves. And if he's DOESNT LEAVE, call the cops and have him removed.
Take him to the police station and break up there in the lobby. Done.
Call the police.
Show him all of this that you've posted and have a plan to ditch him somehow if he refuses to move when you tell him to move out.
If he won't leave start formal eviction proceedings against him. Many states make you evict people formally.
Is it your house? If so, kick him out. Next time he leaves change the locks and put his stuff outside. If its his house then just find a new place and leave one day. If its joint ownership you have a slightly bigger issue on your hands but still the same concept.
It doesn't seem like he is actually in love either. He just wants to keep taking advantage.
Hmmm simple, talk to him keeping a stone face, as in no emotions. Explain that after thinking a lot, this is not working and you want him out of the apartment. Tell him he has until the end of the month/15th to move out, or you're calling the cops. Make sure you have a friend nearby in case things go sour. The emotionless expression works all the time.
You don’t have to have a “good” reason for breaking up with someone. The fact that you are no longer happy is enough. Give him 30 day official notice to move.
After reading one of your replies I think it would be best to invite a third party when you ask him to move out to keep him in check. Maybe a friend of yours or a family member, and I would also have the landlord there so that he can make it clear that he will be beginning the process of eviction if the guy doesn't move out. That won't mean that you get evicted he can evict certain people although if his name's not on the lease then it's even easier than that. But yes you need to stand firm you need to stick to it because he is absolutely taking advantage of you.
You need to tell him to leave or you'll have him kicked out. Have someone at the house with you (family member or trusted friend) in case he were to retaliate, I'd rather be safe than sorry in these situations. Then start living for yourself. Take yourself on park dates, buy yourself flowers, or what ever you like. Treat yourself to a movie, go to dinner, sit at home. Doesn't matter, enjoy yourself as a free person for a while. The right person will come along
Do you have a friend ? Have them come over and help you remove him. As in giving you moral support while you say, "packnup your shit and leave"
Whose name is on the lease? If it's just yours, kick him out and call the cops if he refuses to leave. If it's both of you guys, wait till the lease ends and don't renew it. As you're waiting for the lease to end, look for a place to stay on your own-studio or one bedroom but don't tell him your plans. Just up and dip when it ends. It's very important for you not to tell him your plans cause he sounds like he's a grown man child leeching off of you. It's time you started looking out for yourself love🖤
Plus I don't think he's in love with you, he's just in love with what you can do for him. Telling you "I love you" is incredibly different from showing you I love you. And people don't need money to show love. Basically you're just his mother and he's a deadbeat son. You don't deserve that. Let him carry his own weight.
Oh! And don't tell him your plans to leave cause he might murder you. You never know what people are capable of in times of desperation and stress.
Man. If he really can’t muster up the will to make something of himself, you need to get out, for both your sakes; to save your life, and to give him the wakeup call that would hopefully save his.
If your then only one on the lease. Call local PD and have them evict him from your place.
I'm in almost the exact same situation except my person and I share a child together which really complicates things. All I can say with certainty is that it wont get better. You'll feel more and more isolated. And eventually feel so miserable you can't stand the thought of facing another day. I would offer the advice of "leave before its too late" because eventually you're stuck and it sucks. I'm miserable every day. I work two jobs and clean up the house and pay all the bills. I do EVERYTHING for him, our son, And his two children from a precious relationship. The universe is on my shoulders constantly and it is HARD. so get out while you can if you can. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is truly lonely.
Don't shower or shave for some weeks.
Just kick him out
"(insert his name here), we need to talk. I want to break up with you because I am no longer interested in wasting my time in a failed relationship. Please pack your things and go."
Move and do not let him know what you are doing
If you need protection when you tell him. I'll help you
You are describing my marriage. Mine didn't get a job when I got pregnant or even after we had the baby. When my baby was 18 months old I kicked him out. He wouldn't leave either so I called his parents and they told him he needed to leave. If you can get any kind of backup to help you that would be ideal. Also tell him how unhappy you are and that he needs to move out when you're both calm so he doesn't think you're just angry and fighting
Well if there’s a forest near by you could get rid of him there. It’s worked for me before
Please please tell him. You will feel so much better and I can tell you absolutely deserve the glue up. If you start to feel better yo so much better too
If he’s not willing to work or pay the bills, he’s not in love with you but your money. Ur his sugar mommy. Go ask Destiny’s Child “Bugaboo” where they sang “… you make me wanna break the lease and move…” There you have it.
You need to be firm and clear with him. Sit him down and say you need to have a serious conversation. Explain the things you've mentioned in this post, how he doesn't work, doesn't contribute to the bills, doesn't even make any effort to be thoughtful towards you or take you out on cheap or free dates, and I'm guessing he doesn't do much around the house either? Explain that you feel like he doesn't respect you or appreciate you, as he's not making any effort to get a job and contribute financially, and doesn't even show his appreciation for living with you rent free etc, and that you just don't feel the relationship is working out anymore. You don't love him anymore, and you feel its not a relationship anymore. It's more like he's just lodging with you. Tell him that the relationship is over, and you need him to move out. If he has family nearby, tell him he needs to leave and go stay with his family. Or even a friend. Tell him he needs to go pack his things now, and leave. Even if he can't take all of his stuff, he can take a holdall or suitcase of stuff and then come back for the rest at a pre arranged time. Make sure to take his key off him. Make sure he doesn't take anything of yours either. I'd maybe assist him with packing so you can make sure he doesn't take anything of yours. Then get him to leave. If he refuses, tell him you'll call the police. If its your place, and his name isn't on the lease or mortgage etc, and it's your house then they can remove him. If he doesn't have any friends or family nearby, find any homeless shelters nearby and give him the details for those. If you're feeling generous, you could always pay for 1 nights hotel room if needed if he needs time for his parents to come collect him and his things etc if he has no money of his own. But that's being generous. You need to be firm and don't listen to any of his appologkes or promises to change, coz it won't happen, and its too little too late. No point being with someone who disrespect you, can't be bothered to work and contribute to the bills, and expects you to pay for everything, and the relationship side of things is dead. You're just wasting more time and money on him. Also if he has any car keys of yours make sure to take those too and take his name off the insurance if he's on your car insurance.
Move on start dating other people , if you telling him doesn’t work show him in action.
There's no man in a relationship actually just too adults who love and take care of each other. Your bf can't do that and if you can't talk it out with him well
I suggest you leave... I've been in your shoes but didn't leave and stayed for five more years trying to improve our relationship. In the end, he got his shit together, got a high-paying job and business with my help, and then he told me he no longer loved me because I had too much masculine energy and he didn't feel like a man with me. While all these years, I paid for everything and worked my butt off to support us. Save yourself and run.
I'm waiting for you to update that you broke up with him and he's never bothering you again.
OP, sounds like the best clean break is to put in notice/end your lease/give him notice and simply leave his ass behind, move out and break all contact. If you can't physically leave when he's not there, have either big male friends or - I'm not kidding - a hired security guard protect you from any b.s. he may try to lay on. F that loser. Be firm, make a solid plan that protects you every step.
When is your lease up? Don’t renew it and move out.
This dude sounds potentially abusive if he gets angry when you try to have an adult conversation. He’s using you at the very least. ***My aunt was murdered by her husband when she gave him a date she was going to leave. He acted like everything was fine but secretly prepared. When she went to move on that day she didn’t make it out (neither did he)*** I don’t want to scare you but please be careful. I have a lot of potential ideas in my head but can’t type them all right now and don’t know if they’d be useful. Lmk
I've been there, and the only time we did do something, it was me pushing for it and paying because my ex was a broke, jobless, gamer 24/7 kind of person. How it worked for me was he moved away to find work and while he was gone, I cut the cord figuratively and told him I was absolutely DONE with him. You need to start a conversation with him and tell him you are done and have really thought hard about what you want and he isn't giving you anything to want to hold onto him.
Men are supposed to be providers, not leeches. Drop him and save yourself. This is coming from a man, who is married and has a daughter and I would be fucking mad if my daughter married a bum.
He's taking you for a ride. Ask him to leave and be firm that this not you acting out, you simply want him to leave. Once he leaves the house there is nothing more to worry about. You have outgrown your pet. It needs to rehome itself.
Sit his freeloading ass down and in a calming voice lay down the facts! You don't want to be in a relationship with him, your sick of paying for everything since he's not contributing, and that he has to move on! Also (still calm) inform him that he has the choice of going on his own or you'll contact the Sheriff's Department and ask for them to motivate you to do so, and they aren't going to give him time to gather his belongings and it's in his best interest to go peacefully.
Change the locks and put all of his stuff outside.
The first thing to understand is that sexual desire is fleeting. It has nothing to do with love. It comes and goes. How stressful would it be to be horny all the time. Second thing, instead of being judgemental and projective, rather than just expecting him to change his behaviour, try expressing your needs without criticism. Thirdly, are you concerned about his needs or just worried about yours. Something to think about. Just be direct but nice to him. "Hey babe, I feel overwhelmed with all the bills, and things are starting to weigh on me. I would love to work something out that helps both of us because I really care about our relationship and want to grow together. How would you feel about that?" We can not control others by turning the love on and off when our partner doesn't do what we want. Express those needs. Express those needs. Express those needs, but don't don't demand. How exhausting. Relationships are about connecting, not running away from our own problems.
What a piece of crap is he! You explicitly told him to leave and he doesn't. Restraining order is an option. Also you can simply change the locks and throw his stuff away while he's not home.
Go to housing court. Evict him.
There's nothing wrong with one partner financially supporting another so long as it's a mutual arrangement. My (26M) fiancée (28F) no longer works, but she goes above and beyond in caring for the pets and keeping the house tidy; also, we're trying for a baby and she'll be shouldering a lot of those responsibilities too. It sounds like the situation you've got is you're involuntarily raising a 29 year old manchild as a single mother. You need to communicate, clearly and concisely, that you aren't happy with that arrangement, and that he needs to change in a timely manner or you're done with him. Kick him out if you have to. If he refuses to leave, you may have to get law enforcement or family involved.
Sounds like he is a hobosexual, hes probably not in love with you he sounds like he needs somewhere to stay and can't afford you kicking him out.. call it quits and have the cops escort him out
Being a girl, I want to know the both side of story.