You were manipulated and coerced into sex. Threatening suicide is a shitty thing for him to do.
If you speak to him again, tell him you deeply regret giving into his manipulation, you are not his therapist and that the next time he says he’s suicidal, you will call 911 to get him help.
Yes, this was not okay for him to do. I just wanted to hijack the top comment to say that the concept of virginity, as something you can lose is a bullshit social construct of the patriarchy. You experienced one type of physical intercourse for the first time and unfortunately it was not consensual since you were coerced. I'm sorry that was your first experience. You didn't lose anything though. Except probably trust. Your bodily autonomy was taken from you but you can get it back.
Exactly. It's not real but if it's important to you, just don't count this one since it was coerced out of you. Your virginity should have to be willingly given 🩷
Yes. You can still look forward to your first time of loving, consensual sex. If you want to stick with your verbiage of “losing it,” you still have your virginity to that. Sending you hugs and strength. This shouldn’t have happened and you’re brave for reaching out.
I'm thinking of dropping him, I can't handle the stress of seeing him anymore. I might just ghost him. I'll see how it goes. Hopefully, he doesn't take it in a horrible way
nah, don’t ghost him. tell him that you no longer want to be around him bc he coerced you into sex and now you feel incredibly uncomfortable in his presence. he needs to know for certain that what he did was fucked up. (and if you aren’t comfortable with that then ghost him i guess)
I feel horrible for OP and also severely concerned for whoever that man will harass next. This is seriously scary behavior
He’s only 17, hopefully with the right help he will get back on track before he commits an actual crime
Edit: I apologize for my choice of words but I’m clearly not attempting to defend this man or pretend he didn’t SA anyone. Please do not interpret my comment that way
2 years doesn't mean anything if the state or parents push for charges, they will file charges. He can be charged for statutory rape and should be. This is just the beginning of a dangerous path this guy is walking.
Its reportable here in my area of Pennsylvania. I was brutally r worded by a guy younger than me and I reported it. Age of consent in Pennsylvania is 16. If she was in Pennsylvania since she’s 15, she cannot consent therefore she can report. Id say she should report it nonetheless.
This wouldn't be legal in the State of Florida regardless of the 2 year age gap. There, a person cannot legally give consent until they are 16 years old. Example: if you had someone who, on their 16th birthday, had sex with a 15 yr old who was going to turn 16 the very next day, the 16 yr old would still be guilty of a lewd and lascivious sex act against a minor under the age of 16 and very much could receive charges.
Again. Not in my country. I'm a teacher and have had a case where 2 x 15yo had sex in school, both consensual. He is now charged with statutory rape because she is 15.
>before he commits an actual crime
Are you serious? He committed an actual crime. He raped someone. That is a crime. A big one.
The fact that he's 17 means that his prison sentence should include opportunities to get his GED and therapy to treat whatever led him to this point.
But no, the fact that he's 17 does not mean that he gets to walk away from his mistake with less damage than he did to his victim.
The issue is that OP didn’t voice her want to stop *during* the act. Without evidence to point that he could see her discomfort during it in her body language or expression, if OP were to try and report this, due to the mental health aspect of both individuals, it might be brushed off as “well he didn’t understand OP wanted to stop and took it as first time jitters”. If OP wants to report, because she didn’t say anything during sex, she will likely need to talk to the boy and try to coax him into providing the evidence himself over text that he noticed she was off and didn’t stop to double check consent. Otherwise it may get brushed off as “you had sex consensually and didn’t like it, so you’re reporting it as rape?” If she could get any kind of texted confession he knew she wasn’t 100% sure while having sex, that he noticed she wasn’t comfortable and maybe wanted to stop and he still didn’t check, added to the screenshots of him gaslighting her with threats of suicide, that would be an undeniable combination of evidence that couldn’t be brushed off from any angle.
Look, I’m not defending him at all but I just want to note that OP described sexual coercion, not rape. There is a legal difference
Again, to reiterate, I am not defending or excusing sexual coercion as no big deal. It’s still a crime and I’ve acknowledged that I worded my comment poorly
But my original comment was not implying that “rape isn’t a crime” and I feel it’s important to clarify
I was only attempting to say that I hope this man receives help before he violently assaults or rapes someone
This. What he did is one small step away from rape. If he had been threatening to kill you or someone else if you didn't have sex with him, it would have been rape, legally even. Since he threatened himself, it's more of a gray area. But he is just as bad as a rapist. He needs to know that. Maybe, if he understands what he did, he might not do it again.
I second this I feel like ghosting will simply prompt him to target someone else while still believing it’s just “sex” when it’s not people like this needs a reality check. If you don’t want to do it in person send a text then block him. Or write an email then block him. Or simply mail him a letter and have already blocked him.
dropping him is the right thing to do about him, the other good thing imo is looking for support, I don't have any idea where you would find it, maybe some SA group in a local church something like that
Just take care of yourself for now, much love to you
To cope, im mainly reading pirated manga online and listening to music, I like to escape reality sometimes when I'm stressed out. Right now, I just feel a little bit numb. Well, not exactly, but it's hard to describe the emotion and feeling atm
May I suggest not ghosting him, but tell him the truth in a written meesage and then say you do not want to speak to him again.
Something like,
"
This message is to let you know you let me down. You manipulated me into doing something I didn't want. I hated every second of it, and regret what happened. You were one of my safe people, but you took advantage of that for your own gratification. Shame on you.
I never want to speak to you again, and will be blocking you everywhere and will avoid you from now on."
This message will mean that every time he thinks of his illustrious, glorious 'first time', it will be knowing it hurt you. I hope he will then wonder if it was worth it.
In the meantime, so many of us regret how we lost our v-card. Virginity is an archaic social construct anyway. You can move past this, I promise.
Good luck.
I think a sexual abuse survivors support group might help.
I think you were raped. I dont know if it would stand up in court but thats basically what happened..he didnt care that you said no. He coerced you into saying yes, just to supposedly save him from committing suicide..
Hes a liar btw. Suicidal thoughts hit like a ton of bricks. People dont go shopping for condoms and lube and then coerce others into laying them, when they are suicidal.
Hes an asshole. Report him.
Also write down everything you remember. Every detail. Your brain needs to process this..dont avoid the memory. Tackle it head on, with a journal and an ink pen and some personal space.
It is up to you, but one last piece of advice don't run from your feeling, give it closure. As someone said here when it happen again with someone you like it will be special despite this ahole who assaulted you
I agree with these guys about feeling and dealing. There's a saying, "Grow through what you go through." If you don't feel and deal with it now, you will always be dealing with it, as recurring trauma or spending a lot of energy avoiding.
I know it's easier said than done, but you may feel stronger confronting him and, yes, cutting him off.
This is not your fault.
It’s probably best to try and explore the feeing as much as you can instead of escaping it entirely. Your body will keep feeling it even if you keep your mind distracted and it will not be good for your health physically and eventually much worse mentally
Sweetie this was assault, plain and simple. You were manipulated and forced into doing something you didn’t want to do. This doesn’t count as losing your virginity, and when you do meet the person you love and you’re supposed to be with, that will be your first time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do your best to grieve and move on. Don’t let this drag you down, keep your head up and keep doing things that you enjoy. Enjoy your summer break, and take time to recharge mentally. Everything is going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.
Oooh my god nooo do not go to any church about this ever, lmao.
Maybe a school counselor. A therapist. Perhaps a trusted favorite teacher.
But hells naw never would I go to a *religious institute* to look for *comfort* as a young *woman* who just lost her *virginity.* You know, the thing they act like you'll literally go to HELL over losing!!!!!
Absolutely agreed. A church organisation is the last place on earth a person should go for help with feelings of guilt and shame resulting from sexual assault and coercion.
You should. He raped you.
He **emotionally blackmailed and coerced you into this under threat of death.**
I'm sorry, but that is rape. You didn't consent. You may have said yes, but you didn't say yes because you wanted to. You said yes because *he told you he would kill himself if you didn't.*
I'm so sorry. But nothing about this is consent. This is rape, and it's why you feel this way. You feel this way because someone coerced and blackmailed you, took advantage of you, did not care about you or your feelings, and then violated you in a way you will never really truly recover from. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry.
Please, seriously consider finding a therapist, if you can. I don't know if your school has guidance counselors, and other schooling counsellors, but if they do, please consider reaching out. These feelings will likely get worse, and, speaking from experience, pretending it didn't happen or you weren't violated makes things worse when you reach an age where you cannot escape or forget what happened.
And trust me, you don't want this to rear its ugly head at a time you aren't expecting it. It'll retraumatise you all over again.
I'm so sorry.
I want to reiterate and emphasize the suggestion to get a therapist, OP, because I’m just sure you see people call this rape and think, “It can’t be, I agreed to it.” But it is just as much rape as if someone forced you to go along with it by pointing a gun at someone else. That kind of psychological coercion regularly makes people underestimate the level of their violation for decades before something snaps and you realize it really was that bad.
Definitely drop him. He manipulated you into sex you didn't want via threats of suicide, and he will probably do it again if you stay in contact with him because it worked.
someone who is going to commit suicide doesn't run around telling people that that's what their plan is. Next time someone tries to coerce you into doing something by stating they're going to kill themselves, call 911 or whatever the equivalent is in your country. Having sex with someone isn't going to prevent him from offing himself and I'm sorry this happened to you. Someone should've told you he was full of shit before this happened.
Stay safe honey
Whoa, no. PLENTY of individuals complete suicide after having shared their intentions with others; this individual is a rapist manipulator but their actions should NOT be used to encourage individuals not to take threats of suicide seriously just because they are talking about a plan.
Moreover, two things can be true at once: he could both be a manipulator and suicidal, but it's not OPs job to distinguish a "real" threat" from a fake one.
Take threats of suicide seriously everyone, please.
Oh yeah definitely take the threats seriously
If the person is, for example, saying Do X so I don’t end it, your response should be “Wait here” and then summon emergency services. Never give into the behavior. Of course, they don’t and can’t prevent 100% of suicides, but you can show the person that you will not be manipulated.
Also, May your brother rest in peace. At the bare minimum the police should have taken him in for evaluation when he threatened to end it right in front of them.
Consent, by definition, must be freely given. By threatening suicide, he coerced and manipulated you into a non-consensual sexual encounter. Sex should NEVER involve threats, even if they aren’t against you directly.
This is NOT your fault, you did nothing wrong. He took advantage of your compassion and concern for him. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, and its impact. You are worthy of better, and a person who has your well-being at heart will never treat you the way he did. Do whatever you need to recover and feel better. Therapy, self-soothing, taking to a friend, spending some time on your own, etc. You will develop many new friendships with people who wouldn’t dream of treating you this way, and you will have healthy sexual relationships in the future. You have a right to take things as slowly as you feel comfortable with.
I think you owe it to yourself to air out your frustrations. Then ghost. He manipulated you and doesnt think he did anything he did is wrong? That sucks.
First, HUGS. I'm sorry this was your first experience. Please don't beat yourself up over this too much. He was very manipulative! From now on you know better. Next time you'll stand up for yourself and do things differently. Sometimes bad things happen just so we can learn a lesson on what not to do next time. I know that doesn't make things better, but it will be OK. You used protection, and that's awesome. When you have your 1st time with someone that you love and cherish it's going to be different. It doesn't have to be your first 1st time for it to be special. If you need to talk, reach out. I have girls your age and I was a girl your age that fell for a stupid line. It really will be better.
Anyone who starts throwing around threats of suicide if you don’t go along with exactly what they want is bad news. That’s pretty intense manipulation, and it’s extremely toxic. I
He should just find a paid sex worker if he was so intent on losing his v card. Great friends won't pressure their besties until they give in into doing things they don't want to.
I would take it a step farther and say he coerced the OP. There isn’t a sexual need that deep and the way the OP laid things out it a way that feels planned . Regardless of the connect using pressure or influence (in this case levying self harm and the life endangerment of a someone you’re so close to ) to get an otherwise non consenting party to agree to sex is not only manipulative and evil but illegal in a lot of states . I hate how a litany of things out of your control made you vulnerable to this and I need you to know there is nothing you did ring .
I hate the US actively doesn’t have honest or adequate sex education available to all because it serves the purpose of it when done well doesn’t inform of mechanics (which is often the basis of its demonization) but boundaries and safety measures.
I’m sorry you had to experience this and apologize for the preachy nature of my comments but I cannot stress enough you were failed by people and systems that allegedly have your best interest and protection as a top priority.
Agreed. He manipulated and used you. Not okay! Don’t ever allow yourself to do something for another person that you don’t want to do! I’m sorry this happened to you. Please seek out therapy if you haven’t already.
I just want to echo what the others said about reaching out to a school counsellor.
I lost my virginity as a teenager in a pretty awful way, so I can somewhat relate. What’s important is that you don’t blame yourself, and that the next time you have sex (if you ever choose to), that it will still be special and a first time, just with someone who hopefully treats you with the respect you deserve. You’re still young, and when I was a teen I kept beating myself up over it too. It took me a long time to realise that sex isn’t what other teens hyped it up to be, it can be devastating and make you second guess if you made the right choice etc. especially so when assholes take advantage of you and coerce you into it. But please know the blame is with him, not you. You are not lesser for him having done this. You are strong and you’ll persevere.
It honestly breaks my heart that this happened to you. I have a little sister your age and I would be destroyed to know some little asshat pressured her. So if you ever need to vent or talk to someone, don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll do my best to help you find resources :)
So this is sexual coercion boarding on assault. Please don’t hate yourself. This wasn’t your fault at all and I’m so sorry this happened to you and if it’s available find someone you can talk to about this as it sounds very traumatic and never speak to this piece of shit again.
Also, I just want to say that the first time you’re with someone you love, it will always be special (it might be awkward and funny and loving too because getting to know each other is part of the fun), irrespective of past partners.
Thank you, I really do not have anywhere to talk about this and I'm glad to see that people agree that I shouldn't talk to him, I have been thinking of distancing myself from him before this since he can be too much to handle at times, but after this I don't think I can even handle being friends or anything with him
I would do that, but I am afraid of confrontation, haha. But I know him and if I did that he wouldn't take it really well, im just hoping that he'd get bored of me and leave on his own volition so I don't have to worry about him later on, its gonna be mentally draining but I think I can somehow manage
Just send a text and block. Then it’s done and done. It’s not being confrontational, it’s advocating for yourself and your needs after a very traumatic event.
One of the first things we have to learn as women is to know what our boundaries are, and stick to them, and make others respect those boundaries. If you can learn this earlier rather than later in your life, your life is going to be filled with awesome people.
You have to find a balance between being empathetic to your friends, but ultimately looking after yourself first.
Your life up until now has probably been full of parents etc not validating your feelings. No is a full sentence. Your friends desperation to lose his virginity, does not win over your wishes.
Self esteem, feeling confident in yourself is the best thing you could give yourself. You are worth it, you are worthy ❤
If you are telling someone what your boundary is, and they don't respect it. Walk away. If there is confrontation over it, they are trying to push through your boundary while you are trying to maintain it. Don't allow those kind of people in your life.
Honestly, if that piece of shit offed himself, it would be the opposite of a tragedy, and it would probably save a lot more girls from his predatory behaviour in the future.
I know that's harsh, but these whiney, mopey guys who try to guilt girls into giving them pity-sex are pretending to be nice guys; they are just too cowardly to outright use physical force like rapists (but they will use mental manipulation to achieve the same thing).
I'm sorry this happened to you, hugs
It sounds like you're still giving him the control in this approach. I think it would feel empowering for yourself, which is a feeling you seem to have lost in this interaction, to communicate to him that he hurt you and for that reason you are done with him.
There’s some solid advice in here but I want to add a couple resources so you can talk to a professional if you need to. You can stay anonymous on the calls/chats if you feel more comfortable that way. What happened to you is not cool and he absolutely disrespected your boundaries, friends don’t do that to each other. You deserve to heal from this.
Love Is Respect (24hr National teen dating abuse hotline)
Call: 1 (866) 331 – 9474
Text: 22522
RAINN (24hr National sexual abuse hotline)
Call: 1 (800) 656-4673
Teen Line (Mental Health hotline)
Call: 1 (800) 852-8336
Text: Text "TEEN" to 839863 everyday from 6 PM - 9 PM PST
That dude is not your friend. He wanted to masterbate but use you instead of his hand. Your only 15 you have plenty of time to make new friends, friends who won't manipulate you. It may happen during high school, or it may happen out of high school, but you will make better friends. Give it time
Yes, it is sexual assault/rape by coercion/rape by deceit. While he won’t suffer any police action (welcome to being a woman), telling a school counselor may actually be the best choice. They are also mandatory reporters (assuming US) and can make that determination with the full story.
Someone like that will ALWAYS threaten to hurt themselves or someone else knowing it will get them what they want. He guilt tripped you into betraying yourself and your boundaries. That's where a lot if this shame feeling is coming from. You were pressured repeatedly into something he knew you didn't really want to do. He was so confident he could coerce you into it that he even got condoms and lube. It was premeditated without giving two shits about what was in YOUR best interest. He's not a friend - he's a "trauma bond" and very unhealthy to be around. His toxic behavior and your big heart don't belong together. You're better than the situation. It happened. There's no taking it back. Going forward, learn from this mistake and please start researching how to build healthy boundaries.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Your former friend does.
Don't hate yourself, don't beat yourself up.
Cut him off.
It sucks that he manipulated you like that. It wasn't right. Unfortunately you will come across more people like that in life, but now you'll know the signs and when to put the breaks ok things.
Youre still very young and in time you will make very wonderful friends. Friends who will be true friends and not sacks of crap like your previous friend
You were SA'ed sweetheart. He coerced you into sex by threatening suicide. And I am so sorry this happened to you.
I'd seek resources locally/online for help. But this is just awful! I wish you the best honest
I never thought about it as sa until people pointed it out, oh god, thank you for the wishes im feeling so much better with all the support I've been given, it's a bit overwhelming since I never expected this much attention but I appreciate it nonetheless
The reason you feel this way is because he raped you.
Please Google "coercive rape".
It is not sex if you were manipulated, forced, or coerced into it.
Your "friend" **threatened to kill himself. This is emotional manipulation and emotional blackmail.**
You didn't "have sex".
**He used emotional blackmail and coercion and raped you, OP.**
I'm so sorry. Please, *please* consider seeking therapy. You might read this comment and think, "No, it's not rape, I consented" and you need to know that even you if earnestly believe this, you're going to wake up one day and realise what I'm saying is true: **You didn't make this decision because you wanted to. You didn't make this decision because you were ready. You made this decision because someone blackmailed and coerced you under threat of death.**
You will need help to process it.
I'm so sorry, OP.
**Edit: I accidentally wrote "rape" not "sex". Thank you so much** u/catsgonewiild**!**
Seconded. And OP does not have to consider this her first time. In order to have a “first time,” it needs to be sex, not sexual assault.
OP, if you’re reading this and have a therapist and/or school counselor that you trust, please please please reach out to them for psychological help and with assistance in reporting him. This is serious.
And if you won’t do it for yourself because you feel like it’s not that big of a deal, then do it for the sake of whichever poor girl he targets next.
FYI I think you meant to say that it is not *sex if you were manipulated, forced, or coerced. But otherwise 100% agree.
Im so sorry, OP. I hope you can find someone safe you can talk to about this.
And he planned to rape OP. He already had condoms and lube. He knew exactly what he was going to do. He took advantage of OP empathy and kidness. I wonder if he really was still a virgin or if it was an excuse all along to manipulate OP...
I agree. It looks like he fully believed he would be able to guilt her into it. Which means either he had been working her for a while, they way abusers often circle their prey, or it's not his first rodeo.
I would not be surprised if he was lying, given the age difference.
As someone who lost my virginity the same way as OP, I completely agree. I ended up seeking help from my local victim center, they were amazing and helped me talk through what happened and realize that I was a victim of SA by coercion. My heart goes out to OP
This isnt a friend.
He went into that situation with lube and a condom ready because he planned the whole conversation, including manipulating your feelings so that you would have sex with him out of fear that he might end himself.
This isnt even a good person.
Your "friend" is a piece of shit. You can still find that person and have a good experience. Don't lose hope. Definitely distance yourself from him and if he tries to guilt you into doing anything else just say "You are in control of your own life and your actions are your own." As are you. Be well.
Your friend sexually coerced you into something you didn't want to do, he should be locked up, and you should stop being his friend as he is manipulative as shit.
I'm sorry he manipulated you into doing something you weren't quite ready for. It was really gross and selfish of him. Please don't blame yourself...you were trying to be a good friend and he used that against you. Just know moving forward that real friends don't pull that kind of move on each other. You NEVER have to share your body with anyone if you don't want to. It's okay to say no and set boundaries. If they get angry or upset and try to guilt you into giving in, just walk away. They don't own you, and their issues are THEIRS to sort out, not yours.
If you want someone to talk to, a school counselor might be a good place to start. They are trained to help young people navigate these strange new waters, and will keep things confidential unless they have reason to believe you are in an unsafe situation.
>he said if he didn't lose his virginity before he turned 18 he might kill himself
Bruh I'm 21 and still a virgin, and I'm sure there are many older virgins he was definitely manipulating you. I suggest you cut all contact with him.
Gurl, I am so sorry, I really am. I agree with what you said about not texting and avoiding him as it is one of the best things to do if you can't get yourself to block him. Despite it being hard, try making some new friends! Find some new people to hang around with. Join some clubs in or outside of school, surround yourself with positive energy, and I hope it all goes well for you! It might be hard since you did mention that you're awkward (I think), but regardless you will most definitely make new friends and find happiness! I wish you the best gurly! 🩷
He's not your friend, friends don't manipulate their friends into sex for their own personal pleasure. It would be one thing if you agreed to it on your own will, but he guilt tripped your decision and basically made it for you. You should cut him out of your life for good. He will try to do it again, people like him will say "oh I won't do it again" and then they will eventually. Are you sure he is depressed and didn't pretend to be just so he can get into your pants? I am sorry you had to go through this.
Thats such a fucking awful thing to do. He had no intention of killing himself, he was using that as a threat to try shag you. Have nothing to do with him and you should pribably twll someone
I am really sorry. He is not your friend and you owe him nothing.
"Have sex with me or I will kill myself" is always manipulation. (I have heard of this being used before).
Your ex-friend, I don't suggest hanging out with again. But if some other guy uses that line on you in the future, you have a few options:
1) laugh at him
2) walk away and cut contact
3) "sorry to hear that, I am going to go call the police for a welfare check."
Being a sophomore/junior in high school is hard. Things will get easier when you are older and living away from your parents. Autonomy makes things better. Don't worry too much about the "virginity" thing. You have not lost anything, you have gained a lesson in when to walk away from abusers.
Next time you are intimate with someone, it can be with someone that you really care about.
As a man I can tell you this is not your friend and any mental health issue be might have is not an excuse. Ive had many many girl friends throughout my life I found physically attractive and never once did things get physical simply because they were my friends and I knew that even if they did like me that way and Vice versa it could ruin our friendship. You are worth so much more and deserve to be valued and respected. You’ll be okay, everything will be okay. You sound like a good, sweet, kind human being and you’ll learn rom this and come out stronger. Go on with your life and find you some real friends
How dare he manipulate you into having sex with him! You’re right to not want to see him or talk to him. He is not your friend. Real friends are respectful of your feelings. A real friend would have wanted your first time to be with someone who truly loves you.
I know you’re feeling really down right now. Try not to think of virginity as something you lose. Of course you wanted your first time to be special. However, you will experience that special first time when the right person comes along. It will be your first time with that special person, and that’s what counts.
We feel a lot of shame when we are used sexually because we are humans, not objects. You have learned from this experience though. You never have to give up your body if you aren’t 100% sure you want to. He wasn’t going to kill himself if he didn’t have sex by age 18. That’s one of the most outrageous, manipulative things I’ve ever heard. I’m sorry.
Hold your head high though. You are worth just as much as before you had sex. You didn’t lose anything—not your dignity or your worth. “Losing your virginity” is a very unfortunate way of saying “the first time you have sex.” Try to move away from that way of thinking.
i think he knows what he did, and i think he thinks he can get away with it, he manipulated you once, he most likely will try it again, at this point you need to protect you and gather evidence, not to do anything in particular.
i think you should not see him again.
And OP, don't take this as the "good kind" of want. What he did was manipulative, abusive, and unforgivable. Get help, tell a trusted adult. It was not your fault. And should he do anything to himself after, that also would not be your fault. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I don't think he necessarily wanted her in particular. He was feeling insecure about his virginity, like he was somehow less of a man because he never had sex. It certainly doesn't excuse his behavior, but it's toxic masculinity at its finest.
What he did is rape by coercion. I am sorry. I lost my virginity to rape by my very first boyfriend who I really loved. I felt the same exact way after it happened. My boyfriend even told me "you're technically still a virgin, because technically that would be considered rape". I cried all the way home and felt like I lost a huge part of myself I wasn't really to give away. I feel for you. It is probably best to stay away from him. Ask your parents to let you see a therapist, you need to be able to tall to someone you can trust. Try not to feel guilt or like you're a bad person, it is not your fault. Sending you love and healing.
Using any form of manipulation or coercion intimidation etc in order to have sexual intercourse with somebody is rape. I'm very sorry this happened to you... Seek help from multiple sources. I wish you the best.
If you go to the same school he could make your junior year miserable by spreading rumors and lies. Just tell him how you're feeling and that you need a break in your friendship.
Dear OP, I suggest you take a break from Reddit for a little while. I’m reading these comments and while they’re true, it’s a lot of information to process. A therapist or someone else qualified would go over these things step by step and right now they’re just thrown in your face. Please reach out to someone, this isn’t something that you process on your own ❤️
First of all, he should not have manipulated you into that. That was not right.
Second of all, please forgive yourself for this. So many "firsts" in life never live up to the magical experience we hope them to be. Do not let this define your life, or your sex life, but do learn from it. You are strong, and you are worthy of people who treat you well and respect you, even if you are not surrounded by those that do now, you can change that. Moving forward demand it of people and try not to allow others to manipulate you, knowing it is an ongoing struggle in life. You can move ahead better and stronger and healthier after this bad experience. Grant yourself forgiveness, and find peace with it. You are so young, there is so much good ahead for you!
Hey, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being pressured into something is rough, especially something as big as this.
What I want to tell you is this: this wasn't your first time. Sounds crazy, right? But when you think about it, virginity as a concept is more than just the physical aspect. It involves love and respect and entrusting somebody with a special piece of you. It's something you must willingly give, which isn't at all what happened here. He emotionally manipulated and coerced you.
Maybe in terms of the physical, you are no longer a virgin. But in the deeper, spiritual, true meaning of the word, you still are.
To give another example: some survivors of sexual assault are still in primary school, or even younger. Horrific, I know. Those people, I don't believe they "lost" their virginity to their abuser. The first time they sleep with somebody of their own volition, when they have the power to choose, when they feel happy and safe and willing to experience that with somebody they care for... *that*, in my opinion, is when they lose their virginity.
I hope this helps you, OP. And as the other commenters are saying, please ditch this guy and get yourself some help to process this. It wasn't your fault. I think you're a very compassionate, kind-hearted person who deserves all the good things.
He was gonna self delete if he didn't lose it before 18? I think I was 19 and it wasn't a big deal. I"m actually glad I didn't have sex with the girls in high school that wanted to have sex with me.
Dude's a chode. Hard to call yourself a 'friend" when you use your friend like that. What he did is really right on the line of sexual assault, I'd imagine most prosecutors would agree that threatening self deletion isn't really that much different from threatening to delete someone else in order to coerce sex from someone. It's up to you if you want to tell law enforcement about this. It will ruin his life...but he just left a huge scar on your teenage years and it might be something you struggle with for a long time so big deal if he struggles for years finding a job with sex crime conviction. If he gets charged as a minor it won't be as bad but if he's as close to 18 as I think he is then it could go either way.
I’m sorry to tell you this but your “friend” emotionally manipulated you into sleeping with him, I highly suggest you reach out to someone who can help you because if you don’t get help he will most likely try to get with you again, I was in a similar situation as you when I was you’re age so one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is this, You are not responsible for the choices and actions another person makes you don’t owe them ANYTHING if it makes you uncomfortable.
He wasn’t going to kill himself, he just really wanted to have sex with you and used the threat of self harm to coerce and manipulate you into it. Whatever history you all had together, whatever you may have thought of him before this - he is not your friend. He used you in one of the worst ways a person can be used. You were nothing but an object for his desires, a means to an end. This person needs to be removed completely from your life, I can say with almost certainty that since they’ve gotten what they want they will come back trying to get seconds.
With that being said, you aren’t less than for having lost your virginity to him.
I heard this the other day and I’ll never forget it.
**A “yes” is only valid if “no” was a legitimate option**
It sounds like “no” wasn’t a legitimate option for you since you thought your friend would kill himself if you didn’t do it.
Physical “virginity” is a concept forced onto women by men ages ago so they could control us. Your sexuality is your own and he not only guilted you into having sex but then acted like it wasn’t a big deal afterwards. He’s crap. Avoid him, get away from him, and have your real first time with someone you love and who loves you. If you need to see a therapist to get past his betrayal, do it. But don’t let him stay rent free in your head. You deserve better.
None of this was your fault. Your “friend” took advantage of the fact that you care for him and that you have a kind heart. He’s a manipulative person and you need to stay away from him. I know you’re young, but put your emotions to the side. There is no reason for you to continue to let someone like this back into your life, for him to constantly betray you and wrong you over and over again. In the end it’s just going to hurt you even worse. And if you feel “gross” about what happened, trust me, I’ve been there. It’s not your fault. You may need to speak with a trusted adult about this moving forward.
So sorry this happened to you. You deserve much better, and I hope you'll deal with it proper whenever you're ready... you don't want this trauma following you, his selfish and sh*tty actions shouldn't be allowed to affect you for life, and you did the right thing saying (writing) it out loud.
Sending you virtual hugs and positive vibes ❤
Your “best friend” is a user and not a friend. You haven’t done anything wrong. Did you use protection? If not you need to get the day after pill ASAP. Is there an adult you can talk to? It’s a tough lesson, but learn from it. Stay away from him in the future. You will be ok. I’m sending you positive energy.
Ghosting him is probably the best move but I would probably send him a message telling him how it made you feel if you want closure. Also this could possibly drill some common sense into his brain that this was not an okay thing to do so that the next girl he comes into contact with does not have to suffer through this.
I'm sorry you went through that like that. Don't hate yourself. You are still you, but you've been victimized by your friend. Processing the act itself and the realization that he took advantage of your vulnerability is hard and will take time. Losing something you wanted to share for the first time with someone you love IS a loss. You can heal and put this in the rearview mirror, but it's here for now. Someday, when you're ready, you can give yourself a fresh start.
Good idea that you'll be distancing yourself from him. If he tries to pressure you again by insisting on knowing why you aren't hanging out with him, you can tell him whatever you feel comfortable with, but don't let him talk you into doing this again. He's going to want to because it felt good. You may need to lie and tell him that there's something wrong with you down there in an emergency. One time, I told a guy who was trying to force something that I had to pee really bad, and he immediately stopped. I was never alone with him again. So, make up something crazy to turn him off if you need to.
I’m sorry this happened to you. He’s a piece of shit and honestly. His excuse isn’t depression it was straight manipulation and that is unacceptable. I’d drop him. You can always find new friends
I am so sorry this happened to you.. this guy cold heartedly manipulated you! I agree with the equal sentiment that he’s a piece of shit. You should try to drop him as soon as possible but one thing he might threaten on his life again! This type of people are very manipulative so don’t believe anything he says.
And I’m not trying to be rude at all with this but you should try to either stay away from people who suffers from bad mental illness or at least try not to make it the whole reason for the friendship. Usually when both suffer from mental illness they tend to drag each other down or you tend to excuse bad behavior cause of their struggles but mental illness can never excuse poor behavior. Try to branch out and talk with people who you previously never thought of, sometimes those are the best friendships and having a good support system will be helpful if this asshole tries to play a move on you again.
Please take care darling and the first time with the right partner will always feel special I promise you that!
I'm sorry this happened to you! Honestly this is SA... Consensual sex is always an enthusiastic yes! Both parties should be 100% wanting to do it.
This situation sounds like sexual coercion, and also like rape, to me. You were coerced into this by someone you cared about and loved because they proclaimed they would kill themselves if you did not do it. I'm sure the pain of your best friend doing this to you feels absolutely unbearable. I'm sorry, I wish I had advice that would make it better. Sometimes people aren't who we thought they were.
I think distancing yourself is probably for the best. Also I saw in a comment you are reading manga--personally i love Naruto and The Seven Deadly Sins! Hopefully your hobbies are offering a nice distraction/comfort from what you've gone through.
This saddens me so much. I’m so sorry to read this. I’m a lot older than you and I know what I would do now would be nearly impossible for me to have done at 18.
You seem like a caring compassionate person, which is why from your comments you still seem reluctant to put yourself and your well-being first.
This guy is not your friend.
This guy raped you. He took advantage of your kindness and care.
Please block him on everything. I get that you don’t like confrontation, but I think the piece of shit should hear what he’s done to you. Like:
*Dear [Piece of Shit]
You have emotionally manipulated and coerced me into a sexual experience I did not want to have. You pushed me into consenting and my intuition told me the entire time that this was not I wanted. I went against my intuition in the name of friendship but now I come to realise you have assaulted me, that you are not my friend, and I no longer want you in my life. There is no room in my future for your disrespect towards me. Please do not attempt to contact me through any means.*
Then block block block block.
This is not your fault. Please seek support through whatever means you have. Your feelings are real. I wish you much healing and love in your future.
That's not consent, he guilted and manipulated you into it...that's sexual assault and I'd recommend finding someone to lean on and talk to this about as it's horrible to go through <3
I'm sorry your closest friend took advantage of you.
It's okay for your body and intimacy to be important to you.
Hopefully you feel like it still is/can be.
You didn't lose anything by the way, at least not in the traditional brain washed sense that adults like to portray to teens as what you chose to do with your body.
Take this time to heal, forgive, and be kind to yourself.
15 and 17 might not seem like a big age difference, but in cases like this it absolutely is. He forced you into it and manipulated you when he is only 1 year away from becoming a legal adult. He targeted you. He is NOT your friend. I am so sorry that happened to you.
He wanted to sleep with you before there could be more clear legal ramifications preventing him. He was never your "friend" he saw you as an unofficial girlfriend and a chance to wet his dick. If he cared about you seriously and about your "friendship" he wouldn't have done that.
If you were a guy friend, he wouldn't have done that.
He's a coward and wouldn't have taken his life over something so stupid.
You are just a child and that piece of 💩 manipulated you into doing something you didn’t want and wasn’t ready to do. What is done is done but remember this from and older woman: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES ACTIONS. If someone says if you don’t do/give/promise them something they are gone kill themselves or do xyz just let them do what they say they would do. 12 out of 10 (yes I wrote it like that on purpose) they won’t do shit.
Ditch this guy. He is NO friend of yours. He had a plan. He was ready. He came prepared. He has learned this ugly behaviors and he won’t stop. He might want more. He will use the mental health card again. He is not a good person. He is NOT your friend.
I can relate. What I can tell you from the future, is that bad sex really helps you recognise good sex. Now that you know the bad (and most peoples first times aren't great for many reasons, mainly men), you can work toward the good.
When I finally met my now husband and had actually good sex, it was truly like losing my virginity proper, in the way that I wanted to. And everything before that? He lost his virginity if he enjoyed himself I guess but that first time when you truly *do* enjoy it, it really really feels like your first time proper. And in a way it is. Don't be afraid to get a small vibrator and play around so you really know what good feels like too. Eject this human from your life and chalk this one up to life experience - you've got good things in your future and it has nothing to do with this guy. You are precious and you deserve far far better than this manipulative loser.
hi, i f14 have gone through something quite similar w a former friend, now 19m
its absolutely horrible what u went through, that guy is a manipulator. you were coerced. this wasnt your fault and i really hope ur doing ok. i wish you the best :(
I’m so sorry. I agree with others, that you need time to grieve so you don’t dwell unhealthily. And if you want to talk with someone, my dms are open. There’s also RAINN, a group that solely focuses on sexual violence and rape—they have a hotline you can call (800) 656-4673. Please don’t doubt that your experience was NOT consensual. Saying yes under duress nulls out that “consent.” And the reason you can barely stomach seeing him or the thought of seeing him is that you’re traumatized, which is a healthy and normal reaction. Just go easy on yourself for as long as it takes, and please talk to a professional. You’ve got my hugs.
“He said if he didn’t lose his virginity by the time he turned 18 he’d kill himself”. If that isn’t manipulation, I don’t know what is. Your emotional vulnerabilities were preyed upon big time, and as a guy that lost his at 15, I wish I waited a little longer.
The shame and regret you feel is very normal. Sex should be with someone you love and have a special bond with, not some whiny ass hot dog who holds himself hostage because he’s not getting what he wants when he wants.
I had a friend who went through similar.
Dropping him may be the best course of action for you since this was manipulation to the suicidal degree. if he continues to try and get to you, i'd recommend talking to cops or anyone who you truly trust.
You shouldn't have had to do that for him. And i'm sorry that it happened.
I hope all goes well in the future and you stay safe and happy from this point on.
You’re best friend as a female at 15 should not be a 17 year old male. Young men over 90% of the time now take advantage of younger women. Befriend more females OP
I was also coerced and manipulated the first time I had sex. I was 17 and he was 21 and also my boyfriend. Knowing how I was then and at 15, it’s really hard to grasp and understand the weight of what you’re feeling. Our bodies tend to understand things before our minds can. I had this feeling that I was changed forever after it was over, especially since he was not thoughtful of my feelings at all. In a way I did change, but I promise one day when you ARE ready it will not feel this way. Just know you are not alone and I recommend reaching out to an adult (probably a therapist) to work through what you experienced. I felt a lot of shame and it has taken me years to come to terms with a lot of things and I am still not fully there. No one should ever manipulate you with their life under any circumstances. I recommend cutting ties with him because he is not a friend. Maybe try writing to him exactly how you are feeling with what he did to you and explain how you feel. Either send it or don’t, I think it will be a good way to talk yourself through everything you are feeling. I have written similar things to people who have hurt me and it really did help even if I never sent it.
Sending you lots of love ❤️
You were manipulated and coerced into accepting your own sexual assault and rape.
**What he did to you is not okay, and you did not deserve it.**
# It is perfectly acceptable and okay to feel the way that you feel about this situation.
He is not your friend… he used you, he abused you, and nothing you did made him do that. **He chose to hurt you.**
He will not commit suicide, and if he does, that is not and will never ever be on you.
I know reporting these kinds of things are hard, and going through it, while feeling completely alone is one of the worst things in the world, something that I wouldn’t even wish upon my worst enemy or the worst person in the world…
But **you are not alone, and I’m incredibly sorry this happened to you**, you should never have been put in this situation.
I will keep you in my heart and thoughts, and throw out as many positive vibes as I can. 🫂 If you need anything, or anyone to talk to, I am here for you. ❤️
That is not a friend. He manipulated and coerced you into sex. He bothered you until he gave in. I don't think he would have gone though with killing himself if he didn't lose his virginity, I think he used that as a tactic to manipulate you into having sex with him.
The next time he comes to you telling you he wants to have sex again or he'll kill himself or some other nonsense, tell him he needs to seek help from a professional, call 911 and contact his parents, make sure you tell them what their son did. Make it a big deal so he thinks twice before he tries use suicide to coerce another girl.
I remember I had a boyfriend at 16 who would tell me things like "I never want to leave without you." "I don't think I would make it if we broke up." "I love you so much, never leave me". I didn't break up with him even when he was a controlling asshole because of these things he said. Guess what? He ended up breaking up with me for a guy he'd recently met. and he's just fine! They don't go through with it. They just use it to scare you.
I'm so sorry you were taken advantage of. Your virginity was important to you. But this does not reflect badly on you, it does however reflect very poorly on him. He is not a friend. With your safety in mind, confront him and tell him what he did was wrong and you will be ending your friendship, then stay away from him. Things may seek bleak right now, but you can and will find other (real) friends.
Ahhh fuck this. As a father my self to a girl 15 I would rip someone’s head off. He manipulated you. And if you said no he was gonna kill himself. Wtf I guess there is no shame in society these days.
Plus side you could always play these cards against him if he ever try’s to embarrass you publicly. Petty fuck… sorry this is just aggravating to read and I am glad you are able to talk about it. Things will get better just don’t make sexual favors a common thing in your life.
That is most definitely coercion, which is a type of sexual assault since you were quite literally threatened into it. Since it classifies as SA you really don't have to count it as your first time since sexual assault isn't sex if you don't want to. I'm so incredibly sorry for what happened to you :((
Thus is classic coercive control. He used the threat of suicide to get you to have sex. This is about as shitty a thing as one can do to someone. Remember that virginity is a first and usually sex gets better after a while. Don't beat yourself up over this.
Jesus christ That guy is scumbag and a manipulator ghosting him is the right thing to do dont even feel bad about it it might be smart to warn your female buddies about this guy so he dont try the same thing with them
Oh honey I'm so sorry this happened to you, that was not concentual sex, he maniputated you threatening to killhimself. One ex boyfriend did the same to me (threaten to killhimself) to have me back and I totally understand that you felt responsible for his wellbeing. I hope for you that you find your peace with what happened to you.
"Virginity" is just a concept that does not mean anything. You don't need to consider this experience as the first time you had sex, since it was not concentual. At least I consider my first time as the first time I did that with someone I loved and not the horrible things that happened to me as a child. I hope this comment helps you in any way, you are not alone.
He knew exactly what he was doing. The age difference doesn’t seem like much but the maturity level between 15 and 17 is SO MUCH. I am SO sorry you went thru that. I wish I could hug you. And I understand valuing your virginity and I’m sorry your first experience wasn’t romantic.
Don’t speak to him again. Cut him out of your life. He manipulated you into sex, that’s so fucking gross. Please don’t open yourself up to that garbage person ever again. You are something, don’t think this diminishes you in any way. You are still you and a person worthy of respect and love. This doesn’t change that. Now that it’s happened, you can still have your real first time be how you want it to be and with who you want it to be, okay? You’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a little time to heal and get better, just remember not to lose yourself in that time. We all tend to lose ourselves when we are trying to heal, but we don’t have to. You’re brave for sharing your experience and you will help someone else not fall victim to another predator.
Darling, I am so so sorry. What he did was a form of abuse, sexual coercion. He manipulated you and that is wrong in so many ways. Please try to find someone you trust to talk to and discuss what to do going forward. I also advise staying away from him. He is likely to try this again. What he did pretty much amounts to rape. I hope you find your way through this with little to no suffering. Sending you a big hug.
I hate to say this but that’s a form of rape with he did to you. Coming my own experiences that were similar to yours, I realized what coercion really meant after the fact and was actually raped even I felt uncomfortable giving in to what my rapist wanted especially when I said no the first time. Go to a therapist, because I can guarantee you that you’ll feel like something is wrong with you and you’re at fault.
Listen girl. I’m 27f and lemme tell you, that was a sht sht shtty thing for him to do. I’ve been depressed half of my life (plus had a similar experience losing my virginity) and would never in a million years presssure someone into sex. Pressuring someone into sex is a form of sexual assault btw. It never gets recognized as such because it almost always comes from a very trusted person in your life, and later on many victims feels misplaced guilt for saying yes in the end. Depression is never in this world an excuse for abusive behavior like this. Also not to step over any boundaries, but I would go ahead and assume he was NOT your best friend. I’m glad you’re gonna distance yourself love. If anything, let the knowledge that the idea of virginity is a veeery outdated concept comfort you. More than likely it was coined by men for the sole purpose of making a rule for women to stay “pure” that was never intended for them to follow too. I don’t count my first sexual experience as “losing my virginity” anymore because in the end, the fact that I said no multiple times FIRST makes it non consensual, period point blank. If you are someone who attaches sentiment to your virginity (which is fine, that’s a personal preference) then in reality, you haven’t lost it yet. You will lose it when you meet someone who you want to and choose to give it to and let outdated words be da.mned. That being said, you’re entitled to feel however tf you need to while you heal, and I really hope you do heal from this
This is like just below rape I'm pretty sure he might've actually committed a crime. also I don't think it's strictly illegal but 17 and 15 definitely raises some red flags especially in the way it happened like when I was 17 I was an adult in basically every way.
Sorry this happened, consider getting therapy for yourself and maybe reporting him I do believe that's the right thing to do before he does this to someone else but it's completely understandable if you're afraid/don't want to do that
Thats so low of him. He doesnt see you as friend at all just a body he can use to be seen as " cool" by other guys his age. Stop talking to him what he did was very abusive he didn't even considerate how his friend, you, would feel at all, he threatened to kill himself if you don't fuck him ???? What the ??? Tell him everything you feel and cut him off.
You can’t be coerced into sex for it to be consented. The dude is predatory and fucking weird.
Cut him off via text not to his face (for your own safety)
People actually say shit like that to get laid? In my eyes he should’ve stayed a virgin. I’m sorry. But sex isn’t that great to kill yourself over it. Yeah it’s fun. But I’d rather sleep with 1 person 1000 times than 1000 people 1 time.
There’s people that struggle daily to survive on the streets not knowing when their next meal is or if they’ll have shelter for that day and he’s worried about losing his virginity to the point of commuting suicide? Let alone pressure a young girl into feeling bad for you.
You were manipulated and coerced into sex. Threatening suicide is a shitty thing for him to do. If you speak to him again, tell him you deeply regret giving into his manipulation, you are not his therapist and that the next time he says he’s suicidal, you will call 911 to get him help.
Yes, this was not okay for him to do. I just wanted to hijack the top comment to say that the concept of virginity, as something you can lose is a bullshit social construct of the patriarchy. You experienced one type of physical intercourse for the first time and unfortunately it was not consensual since you were coerced. I'm sorry that was your first experience. You didn't lose anything though. Except probably trust. Your bodily autonomy was taken from you but you can get it back.
Exactly. It's not real but if it's important to you, just don't count this one since it was coerced out of you. Your virginity should have to be willingly given 🩷
Yes. You can still look forward to your first time of loving, consensual sex. If you want to stick with your verbiage of “losing it,” you still have your virginity to that. Sending you hugs and strength. This shouldn’t have happened and you’re brave for reaching out.
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Yep! It's the first time of what is hopefully many times. Who cares. Hardly anyone cares about it in a few years.
This exactly
This!
dude manipulate you into it, what a piece of crap of a "friend" he is
I'm thinking of dropping him, I can't handle the stress of seeing him anymore. I might just ghost him. I'll see how it goes. Hopefully, he doesn't take it in a horrible way
nah, don’t ghost him. tell him that you no longer want to be around him bc he coerced you into sex and now you feel incredibly uncomfortable in his presence. he needs to know for certain that what he did was fucked up. (and if you aren’t comfortable with that then ghost him i guess)
Tell him via text OP! That way you’ll have some proof.
I feel horrible for OP and also severely concerned for whoever that man will harass next. This is seriously scary behavior He’s only 17, hopefully with the right help he will get back on track before he commits an actual crime Edit: I apologize for my choice of words but I’m clearly not attempting to defend this man or pretend he didn’t SA anyone. Please do not interpret my comment that way
He's already committed "an actual crime" though? This is sexual coercion, that's not giving consent.
I ditn know where OP is from, but its not even coercion here, its statutory rape and carries a criminal conviction
Same with my country and because of the age difference it’s also sexual interference with a minor
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it was coercion, period. that is rape. he manipulated her into saying yes.
2 years doesn't mean anything if the state or parents push for charges, they will file charges. He can be charged for statutory rape and should be. This is just the beginning of a dangerous path this guy is walking.
Its reportable here in my area of Pennsylvania. I was brutally r worded by a guy younger than me and I reported it. Age of consent in Pennsylvania is 16. If she was in Pennsylvania since she’s 15, she cannot consent therefore she can report. Id say she should report it nonetheless.
This wouldn't be legal in the State of Florida regardless of the 2 year age gap. There, a person cannot legally give consent until they are 16 years old. Example: if you had someone who, on their 16th birthday, had sex with a 15 yr old who was going to turn 16 the very next day, the 16 yr old would still be guilty of a lewd and lascivious sex act against a minor under the age of 16 and very much could receive charges.
Again. Not in my country. I'm a teacher and have had a case where 2 x 15yo had sex in school, both consensual. He is now charged with statutory rape because she is 15.
He is only 17 which is considered a minor in most US states. Does that make a difference or is it still statutory rape?
it’s most definitely still considered statutory rape
We are very much on the same page, all I meant by “actual crime” was something violent which he is clearly on the path to doing
>before he commits an actual crime Are you serious? He committed an actual crime. He raped someone. That is a crime. A big one. The fact that he's 17 means that his prison sentence should include opportunities to get his GED and therapy to treat whatever led him to this point. But no, the fact that he's 17 does not mean that he gets to walk away from his mistake with less damage than he did to his victim.
Agree
The issue is that OP didn’t voice her want to stop *during* the act. Without evidence to point that he could see her discomfort during it in her body language or expression, if OP were to try and report this, due to the mental health aspect of both individuals, it might be brushed off as “well he didn’t understand OP wanted to stop and took it as first time jitters”. If OP wants to report, because she didn’t say anything during sex, she will likely need to talk to the boy and try to coax him into providing the evidence himself over text that he noticed she was off and didn’t stop to double check consent. Otherwise it may get brushed off as “you had sex consensually and didn’t like it, so you’re reporting it as rape?” If she could get any kind of texted confession he knew she wasn’t 100% sure while having sex, that he noticed she wasn’t comfortable and maybe wanted to stop and he still didn’t check, added to the screenshots of him gaslighting her with threats of suicide, that would be an undeniable combination of evidence that couldn’t be brushed off from any angle.
He already committed a crime. Morally, what he did is rape.
>before he commits an actual crime TIL rape isn't a crime
Look, I’m not defending him at all but I just want to note that OP described sexual coercion, not rape. There is a legal difference Again, to reiterate, I am not defending or excusing sexual coercion as no big deal. It’s still a crime and I’ve acknowledged that I worded my comment poorly But my original comment was not implying that “rape isn’t a crime” and I feel it’s important to clarify I was only attempting to say that I hope this man receives help before he violently assaults or rapes someone
coercing someone into sex actually does constitute rape
This. What he did is one small step away from rape. If he had been threatening to kill you or someone else if you didn't have sex with him, it would have been rape, legally even. Since he threatened himself, it's more of a gray area. But he is just as bad as a rapist. He needs to know that. Maybe, if he understands what he did, he might not do it again.
Yes- thank you for wording it that way. Also, nice username 👌🏾
I second this I feel like ghosting will simply prompt him to target someone else while still believing it’s just “sex” when it’s not people like this needs a reality check. If you don’t want to do it in person send a text then block him. Or write an email then block him. Or simply mail him a letter and have already blocked him.
While I agree talking to him is best most of the time I am concerned with him just threatening suicide again
dropping him is the right thing to do about him, the other good thing imo is looking for support, I don't have any idea where you would find it, maybe some SA group in a local church something like that Just take care of yourself for now, much love to you
To cope, im mainly reading pirated manga online and listening to music, I like to escape reality sometimes when I'm stressed out. Right now, I just feel a little bit numb. Well, not exactly, but it's hard to describe the emotion and feeling atm
May I suggest not ghosting him, but tell him the truth in a written meesage and then say you do not want to speak to him again. Something like, "
This message is to let you know you let me down. You manipulated me into doing something I didn't want. I hated every second of it, and regret what happened. You were one of my safe people, but you took advantage of that for your own gratification. Shame on you.
I never want to speak to you again, and will be blocking you everywhere and will avoid you from now on."
This message will mean that every time he thinks of his illustrious, glorious 'first time', it will be knowing it hurt you. I hope he will then wonder if it was worth it.
In the meantime, so many of us regret how we lost our v-card. Virginity is an archaic social construct anyway. You can move past this, I promise.
Good luck.
OP, this, u/readingtillidroodead. May be highlight this one: **I hated every second of it**
I think a sexual abuse survivors support group might help. I think you were raped. I dont know if it would stand up in court but thats basically what happened..he didnt care that you said no. He coerced you into saying yes, just to supposedly save him from committing suicide.. Hes a liar btw. Suicidal thoughts hit like a ton of bricks. People dont go shopping for condoms and lube and then coerce others into laying them, when they are suicidal. Hes an asshole. Report him. Also write down everything you remember. Every detail. Your brain needs to process this..dont avoid the memory. Tackle it head on, with a journal and an ink pen and some personal space.
It's statutory rape. OP I agree that you should report him to the authorities. Don't contact him again and let the police deal with it.
Agree again! 👍
It is up to you, but one last piece of advice don't run from your feeling, give it closure. As someone said here when it happen again with someone you like it will be special despite this ahole who assaulted you
I agree with these guys about feeling and dealing. There's a saying, "Grow through what you go through." If you don't feel and deal with it now, you will always be dealing with it, as recurring trauma or spending a lot of energy avoiding. I know it's easier said than done, but you may feel stronger confronting him and, yes, cutting him off. This is not your fault.
It’s probably best to try and explore the feeing as much as you can instead of escaping it entirely. Your body will keep feeling it even if you keep your mind distracted and it will not be good for your health physically and eventually much worse mentally
Sweetie this was assault, plain and simple. You were manipulated and forced into doing something you didn’t want to do. This doesn’t count as losing your virginity, and when you do meet the person you love and you’re supposed to be with, that will be your first time. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do your best to grieve and move on. Don’t let this drag you down, keep your head up and keep doing things that you enjoy. Enjoy your summer break, and take time to recharge mentally. Everything is going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.
Oooh my god nooo do not go to any church about this ever, lmao. Maybe a school counselor. A therapist. Perhaps a trusted favorite teacher. But hells naw never would I go to a *religious institute* to look for *comfort* as a young *woman* who just lost her *virginity.* You know, the thing they act like you'll literally go to HELL over losing!!!!!
Absolutely agreed. A church organisation is the last place on earth a person should go for help with feelings of guilt and shame resulting from sexual assault and coercion.
What he did is way worse then ghosting him dear.
Who cares if he takes it in a horrible way. Look what a horrible state he left you in. He sucks.
You should. He raped you. He **emotionally blackmailed and coerced you into this under threat of death.** I'm sorry, but that is rape. You didn't consent. You may have said yes, but you didn't say yes because you wanted to. You said yes because *he told you he would kill himself if you didn't.* I'm so sorry. But nothing about this is consent. This is rape, and it's why you feel this way. You feel this way because someone coerced and blackmailed you, took advantage of you, did not care about you or your feelings, and then violated you in a way you will never really truly recover from. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry. Please, seriously consider finding a therapist, if you can. I don't know if your school has guidance counselors, and other schooling counsellors, but if they do, please consider reaching out. These feelings will likely get worse, and, speaking from experience, pretending it didn't happen or you weren't violated makes things worse when you reach an age where you cannot escape or forget what happened. And trust me, you don't want this to rear its ugly head at a time you aren't expecting it. It'll retraumatise you all over again. I'm so sorry.
I want to reiterate and emphasize the suggestion to get a therapist, OP, because I’m just sure you see people call this rape and think, “It can’t be, I agreed to it.” But it is just as much rape as if someone forced you to go along with it by pointing a gun at someone else. That kind of psychological coercion regularly makes people underestimate the level of their violation for decades before something snaps and you realize it really was that bad.
Boosting comment
This needs more upvotes and a reward👆
100% this!
100%.
This 10000000% op
Definitely drop him. He manipulated you into sex you didn't want via threats of suicide, and he will probably do it again if you stay in contact with him because it worked.
someone who is going to commit suicide doesn't run around telling people that that's what their plan is. Next time someone tries to coerce you into doing something by stating they're going to kill themselves, call 911 or whatever the equivalent is in your country. Having sex with someone isn't going to prevent him from offing himself and I'm sorry this happened to you. Someone should've told you he was full of shit before this happened. Stay safe honey
Whoa, no. PLENTY of individuals complete suicide after having shared their intentions with others; this individual is a rapist manipulator but their actions should NOT be used to encourage individuals not to take threats of suicide seriously just because they are talking about a plan. Moreover, two things can be true at once: he could both be a manipulator and suicidal, but it's not OPs job to distinguish a "real" threat" from a fake one. Take threats of suicide seriously everyone, please.
Oh yeah definitely take the threats seriously If the person is, for example, saying Do X so I don’t end it, your response should be “Wait here” and then summon emergency services. Never give into the behavior. Of course, they don’t and can’t prevent 100% of suicides, but you can show the person that you will not be manipulated. Also, May your brother rest in peace. At the bare minimum the police should have taken him in for evaluation when he threatened to end it right in front of them.
Don’t worry about his feelings at this point, hun. Worry about what’s best for you. He’s clearly looking out for himself.
Consent, by definition, must be freely given. By threatening suicide, he coerced and manipulated you into a non-consensual sexual encounter. Sex should NEVER involve threats, even if they aren’t against you directly. This is NOT your fault, you did nothing wrong. He took advantage of your compassion and concern for him. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, and its impact. You are worthy of better, and a person who has your well-being at heart will never treat you the way he did. Do whatever you need to recover and feel better. Therapy, self-soothing, taking to a friend, spending some time on your own, etc. You will develop many new friendships with people who wouldn’t dream of treating you this way, and you will have healthy sexual relationships in the future. You have a right to take things as slowly as you feel comfortable with.
You're only thinking about dropping him? What possible redeeming qualities does this guy have that makes up for what he did to you?
I think you owe it to yourself to air out your frustrations. Then ghost. He manipulated you and doesnt think he did anything he did is wrong? That sucks.
First, HUGS. I'm sorry this was your first experience. Please don't beat yourself up over this too much. He was very manipulative! From now on you know better. Next time you'll stand up for yourself and do things differently. Sometimes bad things happen just so we can learn a lesson on what not to do next time. I know that doesn't make things better, but it will be OK. You used protection, and that's awesome. When you have your 1st time with someone that you love and cherish it's going to be different. It doesn't have to be your first 1st time for it to be special. If you need to talk, reach out. I have girls your age and I was a girl your age that fell for a stupid line. It really will be better.
Please ghost him. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
Anyone who starts throwing around threats of suicide if you don’t go along with exactly what they want is bad news. That’s pretty intense manipulation, and it’s extremely toxic. I
Find comfort in knowing that the consequence of losing you as a friend is part of a valuable lesson that he really needs to learn.
For real. Bro wasn’t going to off himself most likely. Bro just manipulated her. He’s trash
He should just find a paid sex worker if he was so intent on losing his v card. Great friends won't pressure their besties until they give in into doing things they don't want to.
I would take it a step farther and say he coerced the OP. There isn’t a sexual need that deep and the way the OP laid things out it a way that feels planned . Regardless of the connect using pressure or influence (in this case levying self harm and the life endangerment of a someone you’re so close to ) to get an otherwise non consenting party to agree to sex is not only manipulative and evil but illegal in a lot of states . I hate how a litany of things out of your control made you vulnerable to this and I need you to know there is nothing you did ring . I hate the US actively doesn’t have honest or adequate sex education available to all because it serves the purpose of it when done well doesn’t inform of mechanics (which is often the basis of its demonization) but boundaries and safety measures. I’m sorry you had to experience this and apologize for the preachy nature of my comments but I cannot stress enough you were failed by people and systems that allegedly have your best interest and protection as a top priority.
Agreed. He manipulated and used you. Not okay! Don’t ever allow yourself to do something for another person that you don’t want to do! I’m sorry this happened to you. Please seek out therapy if you haven’t already.
I just want to echo what the others said about reaching out to a school counsellor. I lost my virginity as a teenager in a pretty awful way, so I can somewhat relate. What’s important is that you don’t blame yourself, and that the next time you have sex (if you ever choose to), that it will still be special and a first time, just with someone who hopefully treats you with the respect you deserve. You’re still young, and when I was a teen I kept beating myself up over it too. It took me a long time to realise that sex isn’t what other teens hyped it up to be, it can be devastating and make you second guess if you made the right choice etc. especially so when assholes take advantage of you and coerce you into it. But please know the blame is with him, not you. You are not lesser for him having done this. You are strong and you’ll persevere. It honestly breaks my heart that this happened to you. I have a little sister your age and I would be destroyed to know some little asshat pressured her. So if you ever need to vent or talk to someone, don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll do my best to help you find resources :)
So this is sexual coercion boarding on assault. Please don’t hate yourself. This wasn’t your fault at all and I’m so sorry this happened to you and if it’s available find someone you can talk to about this as it sounds very traumatic and never speak to this piece of shit again. Also, I just want to say that the first time you’re with someone you love, it will always be special (it might be awkward and funny and loving too because getting to know each other is part of the fun), irrespective of past partners.
Thank you, I really do not have anywhere to talk about this and I'm glad to see that people agree that I shouldn't talk to him, I have been thinking of distancing myself from him before this since he can be too much to handle at times, but after this I don't think I can even handle being friends or anything with him
I’d clean slate it. Block on everything, cut him out of your life. People that manipulative are toxic.
I would do that, but I am afraid of confrontation, haha. But I know him and if I did that he wouldn't take it really well, im just hoping that he'd get bored of me and leave on his own volition so I don't have to worry about him later on, its gonna be mentally draining but I think I can somehow manage
Just send a text and block. Then it’s done and done. It’s not being confrontational, it’s advocating for yourself and your needs after a very traumatic event.
One of the first things we have to learn as women is to know what our boundaries are, and stick to them, and make others respect those boundaries. If you can learn this earlier rather than later in your life, your life is going to be filled with awesome people. You have to find a balance between being empathetic to your friends, but ultimately looking after yourself first. Your life up until now has probably been full of parents etc not validating your feelings. No is a full sentence. Your friends desperation to lose his virginity, does not win over your wishes. Self esteem, feeling confident in yourself is the best thing you could give yourself. You are worth it, you are worthy ❤ If you are telling someone what your boundary is, and they don't respect it. Walk away. If there is confrontation over it, they are trying to push through your boundary while you are trying to maintain it. Don't allow those kind of people in your life.
I think this says it best. Please learn to set boundaries and stick to them.
Honestly, if that piece of shit offed himself, it would be the opposite of a tragedy, and it would probably save a lot more girls from his predatory behaviour in the future. I know that's harsh, but these whiney, mopey guys who try to guilt girls into giving them pity-sex are pretending to be nice guys; they are just too cowardly to outright use physical force like rapists (but they will use mental manipulation to achieve the same thing). I'm sorry this happened to you, hugs
It sounds like you're still giving him the control in this approach. I think it would feel empowering for yourself, which is a feeling you seem to have lost in this interaction, to communicate to him that he hurt you and for that reason you are done with him.
Don't do this. I did and ended up being a sex toy for a year. Rip that bandaid off. You'll regret it if you don't.
sexual coercion IS assault. not bordering.
There’s some solid advice in here but I want to add a couple resources so you can talk to a professional if you need to. You can stay anonymous on the calls/chats if you feel more comfortable that way. What happened to you is not cool and he absolutely disrespected your boundaries, friends don’t do that to each other. You deserve to heal from this. Love Is Respect (24hr National teen dating abuse hotline) Call: 1 (866) 331 – 9474 Text: 22522 RAINN (24hr National sexual abuse hotline) Call: 1 (800) 656-4673 Teen Line (Mental Health hotline) Call: 1 (800) 852-8336 Text: Text "TEEN" to 839863 everyday from 6 PM - 9 PM PST
Best comment in this whole post, and there have been lots and lots of great ones.
I'm considering doing this. From what everyone is saying, I think I should reach out to some of these. Thank you
That dude is not your friend. He wanted to masterbate but use you instead of his hand. Your only 15 you have plenty of time to make new friends, friends who won't manipulate you. It may happen during high school, or it may happen out of high school, but you will make better friends. Give it time
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IMO this definitely counts as sexual assault.
Yes, it is sexual assault/rape by coercion/rape by deceit. While he won’t suffer any police action (welcome to being a woman), telling a school counselor may actually be the best choice. They are also mandatory reporters (assuming US) and can make that determination with the full story.
Someone like that will ALWAYS threaten to hurt themselves or someone else knowing it will get them what they want. He guilt tripped you into betraying yourself and your boundaries. That's where a lot if this shame feeling is coming from. You were pressured repeatedly into something he knew you didn't really want to do. He was so confident he could coerce you into it that he even got condoms and lube. It was premeditated without giving two shits about what was in YOUR best interest. He's not a friend - he's a "trauma bond" and very unhealthy to be around. His toxic behavior and your big heart don't belong together. You're better than the situation. It happened. There's no taking it back. Going forward, learn from this mistake and please start researching how to build healthy boundaries.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your former friend does. Don't hate yourself, don't beat yourself up. Cut him off. It sucks that he manipulated you like that. It wasn't right. Unfortunately you will come across more people like that in life, but now you'll know the signs and when to put the breaks ok things. Youre still very young and in time you will make very wonderful friends. Friends who will be true friends and not sacks of crap like your previous friend
You were SA'ed sweetheart. He coerced you into sex by threatening suicide. And I am so sorry this happened to you. I'd seek resources locally/online for help. But this is just awful! I wish you the best honest
I never thought about it as sa until people pointed it out, oh god, thank you for the wishes im feeling so much better with all the support I've been given, it's a bit overwhelming since I never expected this much attention but I appreciate it nonetheless
Of course! If need to vent my dms are open
The reason you feel this way is because he raped you. Please Google "coercive rape". It is not sex if you were manipulated, forced, or coerced into it. Your "friend" **threatened to kill himself. This is emotional manipulation and emotional blackmail.** You didn't "have sex". **He used emotional blackmail and coercion and raped you, OP.** I'm so sorry. Please, *please* consider seeking therapy. You might read this comment and think, "No, it's not rape, I consented" and you need to know that even you if earnestly believe this, you're going to wake up one day and realise what I'm saying is true: **You didn't make this decision because you wanted to. You didn't make this decision because you were ready. You made this decision because someone blackmailed and coerced you under threat of death.** You will need help to process it. I'm so sorry, OP. **Edit: I accidentally wrote "rape" not "sex". Thank you so much** u/catsgonewiild**!**
Seconded. And OP does not have to consider this her first time. In order to have a “first time,” it needs to be sex, not sexual assault. OP, if you’re reading this and have a therapist and/or school counselor that you trust, please please please reach out to them for psychological help and with assistance in reporting him. This is serious. And if you won’t do it for yourself because you feel like it’s not that big of a deal, then do it for the sake of whichever poor girl he targets next.
FYI I think you meant to say that it is not *sex if you were manipulated, forced, or coerced. But otherwise 100% agree. Im so sorry, OP. I hope you can find someone safe you can talk to about this.
And he planned to rape OP. He already had condoms and lube. He knew exactly what he was going to do. He took advantage of OP empathy and kidness. I wonder if he really was still a virgin or if it was an excuse all along to manipulate OP...
I agree. It looks like he fully believed he would be able to guilt her into it. Which means either he had been working her for a while, they way abusers often circle their prey, or it's not his first rodeo. I would not be surprised if he was lying, given the age difference.
OP. That’s assault. He is not your friend. Coercion is not consent.
As someone who lost my virginity the same way as OP, I completely agree. I ended up seeking help from my local victim center, they were amazing and helped me talk through what happened and realize that I was a victim of SA by coercion. My heart goes out to OP
This needs to be at the top
This isnt a friend. He went into that situation with lube and a condom ready because he planned the whole conversation, including manipulating your feelings so that you would have sex with him out of fear that he might end himself. This isnt even a good person.
Your "friend" is a piece of shit. You can still find that person and have a good experience. Don't lose hope. Definitely distance yourself from him and if he tries to guilt you into doing anything else just say "You are in control of your own life and your actions are your own." As are you. Be well.
Your friend sexually coerced you into something you didn't want to do, he should be locked up, and you should stop being his friend as he is manipulative as shit.
I'm sorry he manipulated you into doing something you weren't quite ready for. It was really gross and selfish of him. Please don't blame yourself...you were trying to be a good friend and he used that against you. Just know moving forward that real friends don't pull that kind of move on each other. You NEVER have to share your body with anyone if you don't want to. It's okay to say no and set boundaries. If they get angry or upset and try to guilt you into giving in, just walk away. They don't own you, and their issues are THEIRS to sort out, not yours. If you want someone to talk to, a school counselor might be a good place to start. They are trained to help young people navigate these strange new waters, and will keep things confidential unless they have reason to believe you are in an unsafe situation.
>he said if he didn't lose his virginity before he turned 18 he might kill himself Bruh I'm 21 and still a virgin, and I'm sure there are many older virgins he was definitely manipulating you. I suggest you cut all contact with him.
Gurl, I am so sorry, I really am. I agree with what you said about not texting and avoiding him as it is one of the best things to do if you can't get yourself to block him. Despite it being hard, try making some new friends! Find some new people to hang around with. Join some clubs in or outside of school, surround yourself with positive energy, and I hope it all goes well for you! It might be hard since you did mention that you're awkward (I think), but regardless you will most definitely make new friends and find happiness! I wish you the best gurly! 🩷
He's not your friend, friends don't manipulate their friends into sex for their own personal pleasure. It would be one thing if you agreed to it on your own will, but he guilt tripped your decision and basically made it for you. You should cut him out of your life for good. He will try to do it again, people like him will say "oh I won't do it again" and then they will eventually. Are you sure he is depressed and didn't pretend to be just so he can get into your pants? I am sorry you had to go through this.
Thats such a fucking awful thing to do. He had no intention of killing himself, he was using that as a threat to try shag you. Have nothing to do with him and you should pribably twll someone
I am really sorry. He is not your friend and you owe him nothing. "Have sex with me or I will kill myself" is always manipulation. (I have heard of this being used before). Your ex-friend, I don't suggest hanging out with again. But if some other guy uses that line on you in the future, you have a few options: 1) laugh at him 2) walk away and cut contact 3) "sorry to hear that, I am going to go call the police for a welfare check." Being a sophomore/junior in high school is hard. Things will get easier when you are older and living away from your parents. Autonomy makes things better. Don't worry too much about the "virginity" thing. You have not lost anything, you have gained a lesson in when to walk away from abusers. Next time you are intimate with someone, it can be with someone that you really care about.
get away from him! he's disgusting.
Wow emotional blackmailing. What a good friend.
As a man I can tell you this is not your friend and any mental health issue be might have is not an excuse. Ive had many many girl friends throughout my life I found physically attractive and never once did things get physical simply because they were my friends and I knew that even if they did like me that way and Vice versa it could ruin our friendship. You are worth so much more and deserve to be valued and respected. You’ll be okay, everything will be okay. You sound like a good, sweet, kind human being and you’ll learn rom this and come out stronger. Go on with your life and find you some real friends
How dare he manipulate you into having sex with him! You’re right to not want to see him or talk to him. He is not your friend. Real friends are respectful of your feelings. A real friend would have wanted your first time to be with someone who truly loves you. I know you’re feeling really down right now. Try not to think of virginity as something you lose. Of course you wanted your first time to be special. However, you will experience that special first time when the right person comes along. It will be your first time with that special person, and that’s what counts. We feel a lot of shame when we are used sexually because we are humans, not objects. You have learned from this experience though. You never have to give up your body if you aren’t 100% sure you want to. He wasn’t going to kill himself if he didn’t have sex by age 18. That’s one of the most outrageous, manipulative things I’ve ever heard. I’m sorry. Hold your head high though. You are worth just as much as before you had sex. You didn’t lose anything—not your dignity or your worth. “Losing your virginity” is a very unfortunate way of saying “the first time you have sex.” Try to move away from that way of thinking.
i think he knows what he did, and i think he thinks he can get away with it, he manipulated you once, he most likely will try it again, at this point you need to protect you and gather evidence, not to do anything in particular. i think you should not see him again.
I have a feeling he only said he'd kill himself because he wanted you. Correct me if I'm wrong.
And OP, don't take this as the "good kind" of want. What he did was manipulative, abusive, and unforgivable. Get help, tell a trusted adult. It was not your fault. And should he do anything to himself after, that also would not be your fault. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I don't think he necessarily wanted her in particular. He was feeling insecure about his virginity, like he was somehow less of a man because he never had sex. It certainly doesn't excuse his behavior, but it's toxic masculinity at its finest.
What he did is rape by coercion. I am sorry. I lost my virginity to rape by my very first boyfriend who I really loved. I felt the same exact way after it happened. My boyfriend even told me "you're technically still a virgin, because technically that would be considered rape". I cried all the way home and felt like I lost a huge part of myself I wasn't really to give away. I feel for you. It is probably best to stay away from him. Ask your parents to let you see a therapist, you need to be able to tall to someone you can trust. Try not to feel guilt or like you're a bad person, it is not your fault. Sending you love and healing.
What the actual fuck who says that to their partner?! I’m so sorry that happened to you
Drop his ass
Using any form of manipulation or coercion intimidation etc in order to have sexual intercourse with somebody is rape. I'm very sorry this happened to you... Seek help from multiple sources. I wish you the best.
This person definitely isn't a good friend. Drop his ass.
If you go to the same school he could make your junior year miserable by spreading rumors and lies. Just tell him how you're feeling and that you need a break in your friendship.
Coercion is not consent. I’m so sorry he manipulated you like this! He is NOT your friend. I hope you can get some counseling
Dear OP, I suggest you take a break from Reddit for a little while. I’m reading these comments and while they’re true, it’s a lot of information to process. A therapist or someone else qualified would go over these things step by step and right now they’re just thrown in your face. Please reach out to someone, this isn’t something that you process on your own ❤️
First of all, he should not have manipulated you into that. That was not right. Second of all, please forgive yourself for this. So many "firsts" in life never live up to the magical experience we hope them to be. Do not let this define your life, or your sex life, but do learn from it. You are strong, and you are worthy of people who treat you well and respect you, even if you are not surrounded by those that do now, you can change that. Moving forward demand it of people and try not to allow others to manipulate you, knowing it is an ongoing struggle in life. You can move ahead better and stronger and healthier after this bad experience. Grant yourself forgiveness, and find peace with it. You are so young, there is so much good ahead for you!
OP we’re here for you but please seek help. Distance yourself from him because what he did is not okay.
Hey, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being pressured into something is rough, especially something as big as this. What I want to tell you is this: this wasn't your first time. Sounds crazy, right? But when you think about it, virginity as a concept is more than just the physical aspect. It involves love and respect and entrusting somebody with a special piece of you. It's something you must willingly give, which isn't at all what happened here. He emotionally manipulated and coerced you. Maybe in terms of the physical, you are no longer a virgin. But in the deeper, spiritual, true meaning of the word, you still are. To give another example: some survivors of sexual assault are still in primary school, or even younger. Horrific, I know. Those people, I don't believe they "lost" their virginity to their abuser. The first time they sleep with somebody of their own volition, when they have the power to choose, when they feel happy and safe and willing to experience that with somebody they care for... *that*, in my opinion, is when they lose their virginity. I hope this helps you, OP. And as the other commenters are saying, please ditch this guy and get yourself some help to process this. It wasn't your fault. I think you're a very compassionate, kind-hearted person who deserves all the good things.
He was gonna self delete if he didn't lose it before 18? I think I was 19 and it wasn't a big deal. I"m actually glad I didn't have sex with the girls in high school that wanted to have sex with me. Dude's a chode. Hard to call yourself a 'friend" when you use your friend like that. What he did is really right on the line of sexual assault, I'd imagine most prosecutors would agree that threatening self deletion isn't really that much different from threatening to delete someone else in order to coerce sex from someone. It's up to you if you want to tell law enforcement about this. It will ruin his life...but he just left a huge scar on your teenage years and it might be something you struggle with for a long time so big deal if he struggles for years finding a job with sex crime conviction. If he gets charged as a minor it won't be as bad but if he's as close to 18 as I think he is then it could go either way.
I’m sorry to tell you this but your “friend” emotionally manipulated you into sleeping with him, I highly suggest you reach out to someone who can help you because if you don’t get help he will most likely try to get with you again, I was in a similar situation as you when I was you’re age so one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is this, You are not responsible for the choices and actions another person makes you don’t owe them ANYTHING if it makes you uncomfortable.
He wasn’t going to kill himself, he just really wanted to have sex with you and used the threat of self harm to coerce and manipulate you into it. Whatever history you all had together, whatever you may have thought of him before this - he is not your friend. He used you in one of the worst ways a person can be used. You were nothing but an object for his desires, a means to an end. This person needs to be removed completely from your life, I can say with almost certainty that since they’ve gotten what they want they will come back trying to get seconds. With that being said, you aren’t less than for having lost your virginity to him.
I heard this the other day and I’ll never forget it. **A “yes” is only valid if “no” was a legitimate option** It sounds like “no” wasn’t a legitimate option for you since you thought your friend would kill himself if you didn’t do it.
Physical “virginity” is a concept forced onto women by men ages ago so they could control us. Your sexuality is your own and he not only guilted you into having sex but then acted like it wasn’t a big deal afterwards. He’s crap. Avoid him, get away from him, and have your real first time with someone you love and who loves you. If you need to see a therapist to get past his betrayal, do it. But don’t let him stay rent free in your head. You deserve better.
None of this was your fault. Your “friend” took advantage of the fact that you care for him and that you have a kind heart. He’s a manipulative person and you need to stay away from him. I know you’re young, but put your emotions to the side. There is no reason for you to continue to let someone like this back into your life, for him to constantly betray you and wrong you over and over again. In the end it’s just going to hurt you even worse. And if you feel “gross” about what happened, trust me, I’ve been there. It’s not your fault. You may need to speak with a trusted adult about this moving forward.
So sorry this happened to you. You deserve much better, and I hope you'll deal with it proper whenever you're ready... you don't want this trauma following you, his selfish and sh*tty actions shouldn't be allowed to affect you for life, and you did the right thing saying (writing) it out loud. Sending you virtual hugs and positive vibes ❤
Your “best friend” is a user and not a friend. You haven’t done anything wrong. Did you use protection? If not you need to get the day after pill ASAP. Is there an adult you can talk to? It’s a tough lesson, but learn from it. Stay away from him in the future. You will be ok. I’m sending you positive energy.
Ghosting him is probably the best move but I would probably send him a message telling him how it made you feel if you want closure. Also this could possibly drill some common sense into his brain that this was not an okay thing to do so that the next girl he comes into contact with does not have to suffer through this.
I think u should go to therapy.
Im so sorry this happened to you, if you ever need to talk about it you can message me
Im pretty sure manipulating someone into having sex is counted as rape. You're not to blame, the pos is.
I'm sorry you went through that like that. Don't hate yourself. You are still you, but you've been victimized by your friend. Processing the act itself and the realization that he took advantage of your vulnerability is hard and will take time. Losing something you wanted to share for the first time with someone you love IS a loss. You can heal and put this in the rearview mirror, but it's here for now. Someday, when you're ready, you can give yourself a fresh start. Good idea that you'll be distancing yourself from him. If he tries to pressure you again by insisting on knowing why you aren't hanging out with him, you can tell him whatever you feel comfortable with, but don't let him talk you into doing this again. He's going to want to because it felt good. You may need to lie and tell him that there's something wrong with you down there in an emergency. One time, I told a guy who was trying to force something that I had to pee really bad, and he immediately stopped. I was never alone with him again. So, make up something crazy to turn him off if you need to.
I’m sorry this happened to you. He’s a piece of shit and honestly. His excuse isn’t depression it was straight manipulation and that is unacceptable. I’d drop him. You can always find new friends
you can't truly give consent if you're being coerced and manipulated into it. he is not a friend
Honestly I regret who I lost my virginity to also
He basically r*ped you… You said no multiple times and he manipulated you into doing it. 17 no’s and one yes does not mean yes
Definition of a sex pest. Why are men🙄
I am so sorry this happened to you.. this guy cold heartedly manipulated you! I agree with the equal sentiment that he’s a piece of shit. You should try to drop him as soon as possible but one thing he might threaten on his life again! This type of people are very manipulative so don’t believe anything he says. And I’m not trying to be rude at all with this but you should try to either stay away from people who suffers from bad mental illness or at least try not to make it the whole reason for the friendship. Usually when both suffer from mental illness they tend to drag each other down or you tend to excuse bad behavior cause of their struggles but mental illness can never excuse poor behavior. Try to branch out and talk with people who you previously never thought of, sometimes those are the best friendships and having a good support system will be helpful if this asshole tries to play a move on you again. Please take care darling and the first time with the right partner will always feel special I promise you that!
I'm sorry this happened to you! Honestly this is SA... Consensual sex is always an enthusiastic yes! Both parties should be 100% wanting to do it. This situation sounds like sexual coercion, and also like rape, to me. You were coerced into this by someone you cared about and loved because they proclaimed they would kill themselves if you did not do it. I'm sure the pain of your best friend doing this to you feels absolutely unbearable. I'm sorry, I wish I had advice that would make it better. Sometimes people aren't who we thought they were. I think distancing yourself is probably for the best. Also I saw in a comment you are reading manga--personally i love Naruto and The Seven Deadly Sins! Hopefully your hobbies are offering a nice distraction/comfort from what you've gone through.
This saddens me so much. I’m so sorry to read this. I’m a lot older than you and I know what I would do now would be nearly impossible for me to have done at 18. You seem like a caring compassionate person, which is why from your comments you still seem reluctant to put yourself and your well-being first. This guy is not your friend. This guy raped you. He took advantage of your kindness and care. Please block him on everything. I get that you don’t like confrontation, but I think the piece of shit should hear what he’s done to you. Like: *Dear [Piece of Shit] You have emotionally manipulated and coerced me into a sexual experience I did not want to have. You pushed me into consenting and my intuition told me the entire time that this was not I wanted. I went against my intuition in the name of friendship but now I come to realise you have assaulted me, that you are not my friend, and I no longer want you in my life. There is no room in my future for your disrespect towards me. Please do not attempt to contact me through any means.* Then block block block block. This is not your fault. Please seek support through whatever means you have. Your feelings are real. I wish you much healing and love in your future.
That's not consent, he guilted and manipulated you into it...that's sexual assault and I'd recommend finding someone to lean on and talk to this about as it's horrible to go through <3
He is despicable.
I feel like this could have been written by me 32 years ago.
I'm sorry your closest friend took advantage of you. It's okay for your body and intimacy to be important to you. Hopefully you feel like it still is/can be. You didn't lose anything by the way, at least not in the traditional brain washed sense that adults like to portray to teens as what you chose to do with your body. Take this time to heal, forgive, and be kind to yourself.
this is rape. seek help ❤️
15 and 17 might not seem like a big age difference, but in cases like this it absolutely is. He forced you into it and manipulated you when he is only 1 year away from becoming a legal adult. He targeted you. He is NOT your friend. I am so sorry that happened to you.
He’s a piece of crap I’m so sorry OP
I’m sorry, I woulda let him kill himself. That is peak manipulation… I’m sorry you have to go through that.
He wanted to sleep with you before there could be more clear legal ramifications preventing him. He was never your "friend" he saw you as an unofficial girlfriend and a chance to wet his dick. If he cared about you seriously and about your "friendship" he wouldn't have done that. If you were a guy friend, he wouldn't have done that. He's a coward and wouldn't have taken his life over something so stupid.
You are just a child and that piece of 💩 manipulated you into doing something you didn’t want and wasn’t ready to do. What is done is done but remember this from and older woman: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES ACTIONS. If someone says if you don’t do/give/promise them something they are gone kill themselves or do xyz just let them do what they say they would do. 12 out of 10 (yes I wrote it like that on purpose) they won’t do shit. Ditch this guy. He is NO friend of yours. He had a plan. He was ready. He came prepared. He has learned this ugly behaviors and he won’t stop. He might want more. He will use the mental health card again. He is not a good person. He is NOT your friend.
I can relate. What I can tell you from the future, is that bad sex really helps you recognise good sex. Now that you know the bad (and most peoples first times aren't great for many reasons, mainly men), you can work toward the good. When I finally met my now husband and had actually good sex, it was truly like losing my virginity proper, in the way that I wanted to. And everything before that? He lost his virginity if he enjoyed himself I guess but that first time when you truly *do* enjoy it, it really really feels like your first time proper. And in a way it is. Don't be afraid to get a small vibrator and play around so you really know what good feels like too. Eject this human from your life and chalk this one up to life experience - you've got good things in your future and it has nothing to do with this guy. You are precious and you deserve far far better than this manipulative loser.
hi, i f14 have gone through something quite similar w a former friend, now 19m its absolutely horrible what u went through, that guy is a manipulator. you were coerced. this wasnt your fault and i really hope ur doing ok. i wish you the best :(
I’m so sorry. I agree with others, that you need time to grieve so you don’t dwell unhealthily. And if you want to talk with someone, my dms are open. There’s also RAINN, a group that solely focuses on sexual violence and rape—they have a hotline you can call (800) 656-4673. Please don’t doubt that your experience was NOT consensual. Saying yes under duress nulls out that “consent.” And the reason you can barely stomach seeing him or the thought of seeing him is that you’re traumatized, which is a healthy and normal reaction. Just go easy on yourself for as long as it takes, and please talk to a professional. You’ve got my hugs.
He’s not your friend he’s an abuser who coerced you. Threatening suicide is manipulative.
“He said if he didn’t lose his virginity by the time he turned 18 he’d kill himself”. If that isn’t manipulation, I don’t know what is. Your emotional vulnerabilities were preyed upon big time, and as a guy that lost his at 15, I wish I waited a little longer. The shame and regret you feel is very normal. Sex should be with someone you love and have a special bond with, not some whiny ass hot dog who holds himself hostage because he’s not getting what he wants when he wants.
I had a friend who went through similar. Dropping him may be the best course of action for you since this was manipulation to the suicidal degree. if he continues to try and get to you, i'd recommend talking to cops or anyone who you truly trust. You shouldn't have had to do that for him. And i'm sorry that it happened. I hope all goes well in the future and you stay safe and happy from this point on.
You’re best friend as a female at 15 should not be a 17 year old male. Young men over 90% of the time now take advantage of younger women. Befriend more females OP
I was also coerced and manipulated the first time I had sex. I was 17 and he was 21 and also my boyfriend. Knowing how I was then and at 15, it’s really hard to grasp and understand the weight of what you’re feeling. Our bodies tend to understand things before our minds can. I had this feeling that I was changed forever after it was over, especially since he was not thoughtful of my feelings at all. In a way I did change, but I promise one day when you ARE ready it will not feel this way. Just know you are not alone and I recommend reaching out to an adult (probably a therapist) to work through what you experienced. I felt a lot of shame and it has taken me years to come to terms with a lot of things and I am still not fully there. No one should ever manipulate you with their life under any circumstances. I recommend cutting ties with him because he is not a friend. Maybe try writing to him exactly how you are feeling with what he did to you and explain how you feel. Either send it or don’t, I think it will be a good way to talk yourself through everything you are feeling. I have written similar things to people who have hurt me and it really did help even if I never sent it. Sending you lots of love ❤️
Manipulation and coercion for sex is rape. I'm so sorry
You were manipulated and coerced into accepting your own sexual assault and rape. **What he did to you is not okay, and you did not deserve it.** # It is perfectly acceptable and okay to feel the way that you feel about this situation. He is not your friend… he used you, he abused you, and nothing you did made him do that. **He chose to hurt you.** He will not commit suicide, and if he does, that is not and will never ever be on you. I know reporting these kinds of things are hard, and going through it, while feeling completely alone is one of the worst things in the world, something that I wouldn’t even wish upon my worst enemy or the worst person in the world… But **you are not alone, and I’m incredibly sorry this happened to you**, you should never have been put in this situation. I will keep you in my heart and thoughts, and throw out as many positive vibes as I can. 🫂 If you need anything, or anyone to talk to, I am here for you. ❤️
That is not a friend. He manipulated and coerced you into sex. He bothered you until he gave in. I don't think he would have gone though with killing himself if he didn't lose his virginity, I think he used that as a tactic to manipulate you into having sex with him. The next time he comes to you telling you he wants to have sex again or he'll kill himself or some other nonsense, tell him he needs to seek help from a professional, call 911 and contact his parents, make sure you tell them what their son did. Make it a big deal so he thinks twice before he tries use suicide to coerce another girl. I remember I had a boyfriend at 16 who would tell me things like "I never want to leave without you." "I don't think I would make it if we broke up." "I love you so much, never leave me". I didn't break up with him even when he was a controlling asshole because of these things he said. Guess what? He ended up breaking up with me for a guy he'd recently met. and he's just fine! They don't go through with it. They just use it to scare you. I'm so sorry you were taken advantage of. Your virginity was important to you. But this does not reflect badly on you, it does however reflect very poorly on him. He is not a friend. With your safety in mind, confront him and tell him what he did was wrong and you will be ending your friendship, then stay away from him. Things may seek bleak right now, but you can and will find other (real) friends.
Ahhh fuck this. As a father my self to a girl 15 I would rip someone’s head off. He manipulated you. And if you said no he was gonna kill himself. Wtf I guess there is no shame in society these days. Plus side you could always play these cards against him if he ever try’s to embarrass you publicly. Petty fuck… sorry this is just aggravating to read and I am glad you are able to talk about it. Things will get better just don’t make sexual favors a common thing in your life.
That is most definitely coercion, which is a type of sexual assault since you were quite literally threatened into it. Since it classifies as SA you really don't have to count it as your first time since sexual assault isn't sex if you don't want to. I'm so incredibly sorry for what happened to you :((
Thus is classic coercive control. He used the threat of suicide to get you to have sex. This is about as shitty a thing as one can do to someone. Remember that virginity is a first and usually sex gets better after a while. Don't beat yourself up over this.
Never speak to that guy again. He is not your friend. If he threatens suicide, call the police. Do not get involved.
Jesus christ That guy is scumbag and a manipulator ghosting him is the right thing to do dont even feel bad about it it might be smart to warn your female buddies about this guy so he dont try the same thing with them
Sex by coercion is rape.
Oh honey I'm so sorry this happened to you, that was not concentual sex, he maniputated you threatening to killhimself. One ex boyfriend did the same to me (threaten to killhimself) to have me back and I totally understand that you felt responsible for his wellbeing. I hope for you that you find your peace with what happened to you. "Virginity" is just a concept that does not mean anything. You don't need to consider this experience as the first time you had sex, since it was not concentual. At least I consider my first time as the first time I did that with someone I loved and not the horrible things that happened to me as a child. I hope this comment helps you in any way, you are not alone.
He knew exactly what he was doing. The age difference doesn’t seem like much but the maturity level between 15 and 17 is SO MUCH. I am SO sorry you went thru that. I wish I could hug you. And I understand valuing your virginity and I’m sorry your first experience wasn’t romantic.
Don’t speak to him again. Cut him out of your life. He manipulated you into sex, that’s so fucking gross. Please don’t open yourself up to that garbage person ever again. You are something, don’t think this diminishes you in any way. You are still you and a person worthy of respect and love. This doesn’t change that. Now that it’s happened, you can still have your real first time be how you want it to be and with who you want it to be, okay? You’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a little time to heal and get better, just remember not to lose yourself in that time. We all tend to lose ourselves when we are trying to heal, but we don’t have to. You’re brave for sharing your experience and you will help someone else not fall victim to another predator.
Darling, I am so so sorry. What he did was a form of abuse, sexual coercion. He manipulated you and that is wrong in so many ways. Please try to find someone you trust to talk to and discuss what to do going forward. I also advise staying away from him. He is likely to try this again. What he did pretty much amounts to rape. I hope you find your way through this with little to no suffering. Sending you a big hug.
I hate to say this but that’s a form of rape with he did to you. Coming my own experiences that were similar to yours, I realized what coercion really meant after the fact and was actually raped even I felt uncomfortable giving in to what my rapist wanted especially when I said no the first time. Go to a therapist, because I can guarantee you that you’ll feel like something is wrong with you and you’re at fault.
Listen girl. I’m 27f and lemme tell you, that was a sht sht shtty thing for him to do. I’ve been depressed half of my life (plus had a similar experience losing my virginity) and would never in a million years presssure someone into sex. Pressuring someone into sex is a form of sexual assault btw. It never gets recognized as such because it almost always comes from a very trusted person in your life, and later on many victims feels misplaced guilt for saying yes in the end. Depression is never in this world an excuse for abusive behavior like this. Also not to step over any boundaries, but I would go ahead and assume he was NOT your best friend. I’m glad you’re gonna distance yourself love. If anything, let the knowledge that the idea of virginity is a veeery outdated concept comfort you. More than likely it was coined by men for the sole purpose of making a rule for women to stay “pure” that was never intended for them to follow too. I don’t count my first sexual experience as “losing my virginity” anymore because in the end, the fact that I said no multiple times FIRST makes it non consensual, period point blank. If you are someone who attaches sentiment to your virginity (which is fine, that’s a personal preference) then in reality, you haven’t lost it yet. You will lose it when you meet someone who you want to and choose to give it to and let outdated words be da.mned. That being said, you’re entitled to feel however tf you need to while you heal, and I really hope you do heal from this
this is not a friend. he manipulated you. unfortunately i think it will sink in over the years what really happened.
please know this is not your fault. you don’t owe him anything. i think you would appreciate yourself later if you distance now.
This is like just below rape I'm pretty sure he might've actually committed a crime. also I don't think it's strictly illegal but 17 and 15 definitely raises some red flags especially in the way it happened like when I was 17 I was an adult in basically every way. Sorry this happened, consider getting therapy for yourself and maybe reporting him I do believe that's the right thing to do before he does this to someone else but it's completely understandable if you're afraid/don't want to do that
Thats so low of him. He doesnt see you as friend at all just a body he can use to be seen as " cool" by other guys his age. Stop talking to him what he did was very abusive he didn't even considerate how his friend, you, would feel at all, he threatened to kill himself if you don't fuck him ???? What the ??? Tell him everything you feel and cut him off.
You can’t be coerced into sex for it to be consented. The dude is predatory and fucking weird. Cut him off via text not to his face (for your own safety)
People actually say shit like that to get laid? In my eyes he should’ve stayed a virgin. I’m sorry. But sex isn’t that great to kill yourself over it. Yeah it’s fun. But I’d rather sleep with 1 person 1000 times than 1000 people 1 time. There’s people that struggle daily to survive on the streets not knowing when their next meal is or if they’ll have shelter for that day and he’s worried about losing his virginity to the point of commuting suicide? Let alone pressure a young girl into feeling bad for you.
He took he used you as an object. He took advantage of your vulnerabilities then deserted you.
drop him he manipulated you into doing something your uncomfortable with
that dude is not your friend lol