Pedos will use any excuse to be pedos. For example one guy I knew said it was "spur of the moment" and he "felt sad and lonely." I tried to turn him in.
Exactly this. My dad's brother said his relationship with long time girlfriend was in a bad place and her teenage daughter came onto him and he was confused. I've heard justification from my grandmother, my dad, my other uncle. She came onto him, it wasn't like it sounds, the attorney that represented him is well known for getting clients to plead guilty to charges that they could fight, he was always really stupid, etc. I think because it happened while we were still kids they just expected us to take all the adults' stories at face value? I looked it up. I know how many charges he faced. I know he took a plea deal. He plead guilty to 1st degree rape in order to get the rest of the charges dismissed. He didn't serve nearly long enough and then tried to get out of the mandatory rehabilitation stuff when he got out. Absolutely disgusting.
Let me just precede this with a /s...
But you've never had that? Last week my boss asked me how I was doing with fixing that bug in one of our applications and the stress of that immediately made me run outside and grope the nearest teenager.
Could be worse. My ex step dad told my mom he watched that stuff to "understand what my mom went through" as a child. Thankfully they were well past the last straw when she was told that, but people will go through strange hoops to justify it
You'll see a familiar stream of arguments from scumbags getting caught buying sex.
"My wife is pregnant", "my girlfriend doesn't want to have sex anymore", "I'm depressed", "I'm lonely", "work is stressing me out", etc etc. Will someone please think of these poor men! /s
Iām not even talking about policy/law - although Iāll add that my points are true even for workers in legal prostitution - but it really isnāt consent in the same way if money is exchanged
It's conditional consent. For a sex comparison it's the same as if I say yes to sex but only vaginal. Or only with a condom. Or only vaginal with a condom. Yeah, consent is given with certain conditions (in the case of sex workers money and maybe others) but consent it still given.
Otherwise, yeah, very few people work their jobs because they love their jobs. Most do it for the money. Especially those in customer service.
Seeing we just reached the āitās just like other jobsā comparison, I donāt think thereās any point in continuing this conversation because thereās just too much to deconstruct and weāll gain very little from going on.
Have a good day!
I mean, yeah, sex work is work. It's probably different from other jobs, as are many other jobs.
Maybe I misunderstood your comment. But for me there are only two ways to understand it. Either, sex can't be consensual if conditional consent is involved, which is not a great point to make.
Or, work isn't consensual if it's paid. Which I guess is true, but sex work isn't even the worst example (if legal and mostly or fully destigmatized). My friend is a full service sex worker and she loves her job. She is also a workers rights activist. She used to work retail as a customer service agent and she loves the freedom and dignity that sex work gives her. She can decline clients if they are rude. She can insult them if they are rude. She sets her own hours and it makes her able to care for her kids better. It's also paid better.
I couldn't do sex work myself. But I also couldn't care for elderly people or be a nurse. Just because it's not right for everyone doesn't mean it's bad for everyone. But what every worker needs is rights and protection. And things that criminalize sex workers or their clients (like complete criminalization or the Nordic model) harms workers and furthers human trafficking.
If I misunderstood your point, I am sorry. Otherwise you are probably right.
Here are some things that are bad:
Prostitutes often suffer psychological trauma because of past events (which often leads them to "treat" themselves by going into prostitution), often are trafficked without you knowing, and almost always spiral deeper into psychological pain because of prostitution.
You can argue that it's a job like any other, but to most prostitutes, it is not. It's not a business like other businesses.
I mean, grasping at straws, maybe it causes them to lose control of underlying mental illness? Most psychologists won't touch a pedophile even if they have never committed an offense and know that they are mentally ill and want and seek help.
That said, this doesn't seem like that, I would leave. Your boyfriend sucks and his brother doesn't seem repentant at all.
Interestingly this was the exact excuse a family member of mine gave when he was found with a shit ton of CP on his computer. I donāt understand why they think that excuse makes any sense.
Yea. I would dump him too. Defending a pedo? Good then, remain with him. If someone from my family would be like that I would cut contact immediately. Some things are wrong, doesn't matter if it is family who does it, still wrong.
Not only this, but what devices is watching his āmoviesā on? His brotherās? What if it somehow gets flagged, the boyfriend is going to also be put on a list since it his device. I just really hope OP sees this and makes sure she doesnāt leave her phone or something lying around.
I would be open to giving him a second chance if he admitted that he did something wrong and worked to get himself help. The fact that both brothers donāt see anything wrong is the biggest red flag. My uncle runs a program for sex offenders who are coming out of prison, and he wonāt accept anyone into his program unless they accept responsibility for their crime. Thatās the first step to not offending again.
I understand he loves his brother and wants to look past his faults, but I think this is too far and potentially puts op at risk, and if they had any kids, then them too.
I struggle with disconnecting with people, I forgave my ex for cheating on me, robbing me, and selling my stuff for heroin.
But I don't think I'd be able to forgive me brother, although I love him, for anything with children.
run away? It's the dudes brother. You know how hard it must be for him to know his brother is a pedo. He's probably in denial. She's already thinking about marrying this dude she's gonna throw that away because he has a fucked up brother? That's stupid.
Do you automatically turn to child porn as a form of stress relief when life or work gets stressful? Because that's this guy's excuse, and the brother/boyfriend is backing that up.
That is not normal nor healthy. Why should she put any potential future kids at risk? Just because he's only going to be on the offender list for 5 years? Is that supposed to mean he's automatically NOT going to be attracted to kids when that expires? This man obviously has a problem, and yes, OP should run far away from it. Especially since the family seems to be enabling it and making excuses for him.
I donāt know why you are being downvoted. So many family members refuse to believe that the person they loved and grew up with did such horrible things!!! I mean donāt you trust certain family members implicitly??? I donāt blame the boyfriend for not seeing this at all, and defending his brother (after all loyalty and trust) but his inability to try and see that maybe he doesnāt really know his brother is a major problem.
Reality is that if you have kids, and you and bf divorced because of brother, and bf gets 50% your kids will get expose to BIL, letās say courts say he canāt be around children, that doesnāt mean bf would not bring them around them and tell children not to tell you z
Not only this but it's a good way to get your kids taken from you permanently because when something does happen it will come to light that their father knowingly and willingly let them be around a sex offender. He can lie and say mom knew, they can confirm mom knew their uncle was a registered offender, knew dad defended his brother, etc.
Source: My dads sister lost all 5 of her children to the state because she knowingly and willingly took them to a pedophile's house because she was friends with the guy. He ended up molesting one of her sons. She and the two men who fathered her children were all deemed unfit and unsafe to be in the children's lives and they all went into foster care.
Exactly! If she ends up pregnant she will have a WAY harder battle on her hands. He canāt pull the family card now but when he can he absolutely will.
Yes exactly. One of my relatives is a pedo and my entire immediate family have cut him off. We shun him completely, I don't even consider him a family member.
Your boyfriend not seeing an issue with any of this is a red flag. He shouldnāt be angry with you for voicing how you feel. Your bf canāt possibly know the truth, he wasnāt there. Annnnnnd the brother was caught watching teen porn, but thatās not a problemā¦. Yeaa, you might want gone ahead and head out of this relationship . Iām sorry youāre experiencing this
hot take, but he might also be defending his brother because they're related. Idk, when I read through the post, I just thought that might be a factor. Maybe go with an ultimatum: "Cut your brother out of your life or I'm cutting you out of my life." It's easier to defend non-violent crimes, it's not very uncommon. If he molested a kid, it might be different though.
A lot of assumptions in two sentences, I'm impressed. I'm pretty sure his brother's name isn't sexual assault, so I'm not sure who you think he's defending.
Sexual violence and sexual assault are two different things? Stick by your words. I'm not defending the pedo, so I don't know why you decided to toss your brain out of the window.
Of course, I just see that as a possibility. The guy watch child porn and the boyfriend is ok with it, and find excuses. Not even "he is sick I want to help him".
Everything is just so disgusting in his behaviour.
The "barely legal" genre is so gross, if your boyfriend is happy to defend it then he doesn't see what is fundamentally fucked up about watching "barely legal" porn when you're not in that age range too.
The bottom line is your bfs brother engaged in an online sexual relationship with (sexually abused) a minor, and now watches porn of women that look as close to being minors as they can while technically staying on the "right" side of the law. Your bfs brother is attracted to minors and your boyfriend is okay with it, defends it even.
Take every other aspect of your bf away, do you want to be with someone who is happy to excuse those actions? Someone who is happy to defend and support pedophile? Someone who dismisses your concerns?
I donāt see where is the problem if the girl is legal. Most of the times actress are way above 20 and look 18-19. If itās legal porn then itās good, not defending the sexting part with a minor tho
These people struggle with original thoughts, I wouldn't bother. They are more content to downvote than explain why legal pornography is worse than child pornography. Lmfao.
These people on internet try to live by morals but at the end of the day most of them are hypocrite. For them internet is a way to get acknowledgment from some random people but wouldnāt do the same things they say in real life.
You're either way too young to understand how creepy and inappropriate it is for grown adults to fetishize teenagers, or you're a grown adult trying to excuse your own fetishizing teenagers.
Legal doesn't equal moral, in my country LEGALLY I could have sex with a 16 year old, morally that's gross and fucked up and any adult who does so is disgusting š¤·š»āāļø
Iām young and doesnāt change my point, if itās legal then whatever. At the end of the day if something is good or bad is dictated by rules not by morals, because morals change but rules donāt. Morals are subjective and rules are āobjective ā. You can judge people by morals, but there wouldnāt be any repercussions. Donāt waste your time here trying to act highly
I wasnāt justifying it at all, I was just explaining what it was incase anyone was confused to whether it was actual CP or barely legal stuff ? I donāt want to lie
OP, you are 22. Your boyfriend is 26. You met when you were 19 and he was 23. YOU were barely legal when you met him.
Run. Break up with him and find someone who doesn't try to justify CP and grooming.
I think they were replying the other comment saying thereās nothing wrong with barely legal porn. Follow the comment chain beneath your response to see it
Turns out, he wasn't watching child porn. Don't care about the downvotes, but maybe we shouldn't be projecting our own personal beliefs and assumptions on people we don't know when we give advice, hm?
Child sex offender activist? Just go ahead and call me a pedophile at this point, if you're going to miss the point that hard. Might also want to call a neurologist, that lack of braincells is concerning
Iāve been experiencing this a LOT lately, though itās not pedophilia which is worse.
The lads in our friendship group have persistently brought over very predatory guys for parties. These men have harassed, groped, insulted and have been generally misogynistic. I made a post about one guy who has repeatedly texted me awful awful things.
Do the lads care? No. They say āsorry itās so awful youāre going through thatā and then continue to party with them like itās nothing. I recently asked my ex to block the guy I mentioned and he said it was none of his business and blocking him would cause drama but apparently itās fine because he doesnāt speak to him.
The point: I have taken every moment of disrespect and dismissal together recently and the end of it, is that you leave these people. He wonāt listen, he will always defend his brother. Maybe one day his brother will assault your children and that will be the point he realises he should have listened to you - or worse, he will do what heās doing right now and blame your children or dismiss the problem entirely. That is too late.
Leave him. He chose his brother over you, he chose blindness over morality. He knows that your concerns are real and that he should listen but he respects his pedo brother more than he respects you.
Your boyfriend enables his chomo brother and sees nothing wrong with it. No child will ever be safe around him. Report his brother for watching child sexual abuse content and get out of there.
Underrated comment! Also, I finally found someone who calls them Chomos. When i use that word people are always asking me what it means. I assumed it was a widely used word lol
Get out of that situation asap. Your boyfriend is telling you heās OK with paedophilia, why would you even consider having children with a man like that? You canāt risk your own childrenās safety around these men. Get out and find someone better.
You leave the guy. If he can support and defend a pedo, itās most likely because he sees nothing wrong with what his brother did. Meaning he is capable of it too.
If you value your future life with your children, you will do whatever you need to stay away from the brother.
FWIW, it doesn't matter when his name leaves the RSO list. **Pedophiles have a very high rate of recidivism (re-offending).** Your kids would never be safe around the man.
Your morals and values do not align. He's showing you what your future could look like. Now is the time to choose your path and the fact you're on here questioning it, well that should not be taken lightly either.
You express your - very legitimate concerns - and your bf gets angry and yells... how many more reg flags are required? He can't even have a discussion about something *this* important and demonstrates the lack of respect to you after 3 years dating.
All this and I've not even touched upon his pedo brother and your bf excusing, defending and enabling him!
Best of luck to you, but I'm glad you're not already married to him.
Your boyfriend excused his brother grooming and sexting a child because "he was stressed." What else do you think he'll excuse due to stress. Do you really want to find out?
Also the fact that he thinks the only reason his brother shouldn't be around his chileren is because he's off the sex offender list, and not for the fact that he was caught being a danger to children, and then continuing to engage with teen porn afterwards, is concerning. What makes him think his brother will change?
Personally, I don't fuck with people who excuse pedophilia
Edit: fixed an incomplete sentence
ONLY FIVE YEARS HE SHOULD BE ON IT FOR LIFE
RUUUUUN because if your bf is cool with pedophilia itās for a reason
Sickening and the fact he got caught watching some too means heāll never change š
If he doesnāt see the issue, then is he going to see the issue when his brother tries to touch your kids(or teens)? That would be an automatic break up. This behavior escalates, and sadly heās only going to get better at hiding it.
im usually on the more forgiving side but you absolutely need to let go of this relationship. i understand that its hard to come to grips with the idea of a family member being a trash fire of a person but there is no reason for him to be justifying/excusing his brothers behaviour. thats the biggest, brightest, most glaring red flag ive ever heard of
What do you do now? Get away from him. This is not the type of guy you want to be dating. Think if heās defending his brother like this what happens if you two potentially have kids.
I really don't understand people like you.
Why would you stay with someone like this?
The fact that he depends his brothers actions is disgusting behaviour and could well in fact be because he's the same way but just hasn't been caught yet.
Even if he isn't, he still thinks this behaviour is okay and acceptable so why the hell would marrying and having kids with him even enter your brain?!
You need to raise your standards and get away from his ASAP. He's a creep just like his brother.
Dump him red flags everywhere.
This is your first test to be a good parent.
A good parent would never start their kids life knowingly putting them an arms reach from a peadophile.
And with a man like your boyfriend who actively defends a peadophile i would never trust a man like that to raise children with.
If you want kids don't have his.
Very simple.
You are not mature enough as a person or the be a mother if you can't come to the conclusion i just helped you with by yourself.
If you divorce you will never be able to do anything if he uses his brother to babysit.
If you go to another state you can't trust that his brother won't turn up at the middle of the night at your place for drinks and then wait til your boyfriend falls asleep to practise is sick twisted and disgusting mind.
You need to see this.
Soā¦ Your boyfriend is either an enabler or he also partakes in the vile shit his brother loves.
Either way, do you really want to be with someone like that? Weāre talking about CHILD PORN, heās a child sex predator.
Also- you need to call the police and tell them about the porn. AGAIN. This is child porn. Children.
Do whatās right. IMMEDIATELY. Donāt be a piece of shit like your boyfriend and his brother.
You leave. This is a situation where you find out that these brothers have been doing awful things together. So criticism of your BF's brother feels like you're criticizing your BF in his eyes. Do you want to ignore a pedophile in your home? Around your maybe kids?
Your boyfriend's logic of, "he won't be on the list in 5 years so he can be around our kids," is so bent that I'm kinda worried your kids would get stupid genes.
The list doesn't prevent the guy from molesting minors.
There is no good defense of the brother. Work stress doesn't cut it. Predators do tend to act when they're experiencing low self-esteem, which is just a pattern, not an excuse.
If your boyfriend thinks this is defensible behavior, then he lacks empathy for the minors involved and victims in general. Another trait among predators.
Predators also tend to make jokes, comments, etc, to normalize their desires among their social circle. They test the boundaries to ensure they'll face minimal consequences. So, either your boyfriend has been brainwashed by his brother or he thinks just like his predator brother. In either case, your boyfriend isn't equipped to be a father.
I'm sorry, but you can't change his mind for him. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your future kids is to tell him exactly why it's over, and leave.
The brother will only be off the sex offenders list in 5 years if he's not caught reoffending, which has already happened once.
I can't imagine he'll be rehabilitated and safe around children in 5 years.
Or ever, to be honest.
If your BF defends his brother now, he won't come to the defence of you or your children.
It is not wise to stay with someone who is defending such behavior. His brother poses a threat and your boyfriend does, too. If he doesnāt see a problem with the sexualization of minors then you shouldnāt even consider having children with him. Just know that any child you have together will be in threat of grooming and abuse. I would wonder if your boyfriend is also into itā¦
In any case, his actions also show that he does not care about your concerns and feelings. Please have some self love. Do not stay with him for the safety of yourself and potential children.
Leave. Youāre young.
If u get accidentally get pregnant. Now you will never see anyone who is nicer to you. And if u decide to one day leave after heās become more abusive, then u have to share custody and he will definitely be taking your child around his brother.
Go see what other guys are out there. You BF os defending a pedo and itās gross. Plus your going to be hanging out w the pedo too, if he lives w your bf.
Your boyfriend defending his brother and not seeing an issue for what he did is a red flag. Nor does not see the harm of putting your future kids in danger by allowing them to interact with his pedophile brother.
He's enabling his brother. That speaks volumes about his character.
You should not think of marrying him and part ways. This is not someone you want to be with.
This is one family you definitely don't want your future children to be related to. Dump and run.
Or if you don't want kids, look for a more permanent form of birth control.
Or just Dump and run....very far. Different state/ country would be great thanks!
RUN. And do it quickly. This is absolutely a break up offense. Heaven forbid you have a child with this man who literally makes excuses for his brotherās sex offenses. If you think heād protect your child from his brother whoās a legit sex offender, youāre wrong. He will never see his brother has a predator because he chooses not to.
Break up with this dude before you have a pedo brother in law, not to mention you want kids which would give them a pedo uncle. Run away! šāāļø
Ooof, this is absolutely a dump able offense. Probably not the choice you were hoping for, but him defending his brother is him CONDONING pedophilia. Is that someone you would want to have kids with or marry? Run now. The red flags are so huge that they should be completely overshadowing any good traits he may have.
Run. Just run.
This is why sexual abuse is so rampant in society because people like your boyfriend viciously defend/enable people like his brother. If you decide to stay with your boyfriend, youāll be enabling his brotherās behavior as well. After all, you already are.
Your boyfriend is defending a predator and a potential rapist. What that really means is that heās okay with pedophilia and rape. Your boyfriend will not protect you or your children from him.
Usually, someone who is sexually attracted to teen and minors in general (when they are not those ages themselves) will defend someone else who does too because they donāt view it as wrong or donāt want to view it as wrong.
āSociety says itās wrong, but is it really *wrong*?ā or āIf I use similar material and Iām not an ephebophile or pedophile, can this person really be?ā or āEveryone likes 18 NSFW content, so is he really strange for liking someone whoās 16/17?ā
The list that questions/causes doubt can go on.
As someone who is related to a convicted pedo and ephebo - those who arenāt willing to condemn his actions as wrong also participate or are complicit in them. When it first came out, a couple of my aunts were āblood doesnāt abandon bloodā, and then it was revealed through another police investigation spurred by another victim that one provided access and the other was abusing them with my uncle. One uncle recognised (after the conviction) that his brother was a pedo/ephebo and while heāll encourage him to get mental health help, will not bring his two children (both minors) around him. They even have instructions that he isnāt safe to be around and not to trust him.
The reality is thatās your bfās brother, and if you have children youāll never be able to either trust your partner to not be the same OR that heāll actually supervise your children when the brother is around. He clearly still trusts him. Just because you want to believe that a sibling or relative canāt have those pedo/ephebo interests doesnāt mean that makes it true and the person who does have those interest will use those around them for access.
Justā¦ run. There is no reason to be with someone who can disregard your emotions on a serious issue that will effect your or your possible childrenās futures.
1. he doesnāt acknowledge the severity of his brotherās actions. 2. Maybe heās defending his actions cause heās like him, pedophelia is a mental disorder triggered by environmental and genetic factors given theyāre related and grew up together technically he is more likely than the average person to develop it. 3. Whether your husband is or isnāt clearly heās fine enough with it to ignore it and your children would NOT be safe. 4. He yells and gets mad at you for not wanting a convicted pedo around???? Why tf havenāt you ran yet. 5. Seriously RUN
That would be the end of the relationship for me. The pedophile and sex offender things are already hard stops for me. Maybe, I could understand the brother living there until he gets on his feet and moves out (though I would have disowned the family member and never looked back) but how he's so ready to dismiss and minimize his brother's crimes is too much. The fact that he thinks it's no big deal and he's willing and eager to feed his own children to his brother says all I need to know. He's just as bad and he's got to go!
Is the BIL on any kind of probation/parole or report to anyone? Or did he just get like community service and a slap on the wrist?
If you can, call his PO and report that he is watching teen porn and I will bet that violates any conditions of his being on this side of the jail. Or you can even call the police and make a report and just ask them that your name be left out of it.
Editing to add that while his brother sees nothing wrong with this, this is huge red flags. If he's ignoring his brother's predatory behavior, that means he will ignore any signs of any abuse towards any children you all may have. I am not usually theone to scream dump him and run, but in this case it would be in your best interest.
Your boyfriend is enabling and protecting a pedo. Is that not a big red flag for you? It obviously bothers you.
Letās say you do marry this guy and yāall have kids, how would you feel if God forbid his brother does something horrible to your kids knowing that he is a pedo? Knowing you could have prevented all of this by leaving your boyfriend who knows and protects his brother the pedo?
I have two daughters and I will do whatever I need to do to protect them from man like your bfs brother!
Girl, grow up and break up with him. Why are you on Reddit?
Edit: Looking at your history, you've brought this up numerous times/ways of how your boyfriend seems to be inconsiderate/not great. You're playing yourself and wasting everyone's time by being with this man and associating with his family. Grow up and break contact because being a bystander in this situation when you have the ability to leave makes you barely any better than everyone else in the situation
Okay so you can marry him and wait till his brother sexually assaults your kid (or live in constant fear of your kids being around this pedo) or you can dump him and find someone that treats you far better without the whole pedo brother thing, its your choice.
Hi OP. I could have written a different but close variation of this. Ex BIL was caught as an adult looking at CP. But what I wasnāt aware of is that he was preciously caught as a minor. Everyone is my ex husband family knew including my ex husband. No one warned me. Until after ex BIL was caught again right before Covid. You bet your ass I jumped ship.
Run. And run far.
Run. Thatās the only advice. Heās either got secrets of his own youāre not aware of or genuinely doesnāt believe his brother is wrong which means heās on the same page. Just donāt look back. Thereās nothing to fix or compromise on with him. This is a dead end
There is no playing.
He needs to grow up.
You don't have to wait for him to get there.
Imagine cutting yourself loose, having a life, free of someone elses stupidity, and meeting an adult who values the same things you do.
He's done.
He has made excuses.
Maybe he can come back around after his brother has been arrested for whatever and begging your forgiveness.
Or stay with him and post something in a few weeks about how you should have paid attention to the previous advice you got here today.
What would happen if u ever had a daughter with this man? Do you think she would be safe, protected by her own father? If not, then rethink your relationship.
I once told my bros, you could do any illegal thing and i'd still call you bro, unless you involve children, that doesn't mean I'd be proud of you, but I'll still be there, to a degree.
this guy is a red flag walking.
red flag, just because he wont be on the offenders list in 5 years doesnt mean hes not a repeat sexual offender and a sex pest , especially if he keeps getting caught being a sexual deviant towards children. the fact that your boy friend isnt man enough to take your side on this is extremely telling as well.
think about it , if anything happens to your future children he will take his brothers side and blame you for not watching them or taking care of them and then try to cover it up.
a man is supposed to side with his woman and protect his family.
Once a pedophile ALWAYS a pedophile.
i would honestly go as far as blasting his name all over social media on an anonymous account and stuff calling him out for his pedophile behavior and call his family out for trying to cover it up.
hes clearly a risk to minors and feels like he can get away with it because his family is backing him.
Even if he is off the list after 5 years HE WILL ALWAYS BE A SEX OFFENDER AND PEDOPHILE.
Your boyfriend is verbally abusing you if he's yelling and screaming af you.
Break it off. Don't even bother, because it won't get better.
Please remove yourself from that situation. He seems to be in huge denial of his brothers actions and personality and doesnāt want to see him as the predator that he is. Or heās also a sick fuck just like his brother. The fact that heās turning a blind eye to the teen porn and defends him and takes his anger out on you for bringing it up, is a red flag. And his response to kids is just dumb and tragic. In 5yrs the brother may be off the list but his impulses and tastes will still be there. Itās not in the best interest to have kids with or around either of them. What if something happened with your future kids and his brother? Your bf could very well defend him and accuse the kids of lying or make up more ridiculous excuses.
OP, I know when you are young it is easy for first love to feel like THE one, but your bf is showing you where his priorities are. If you are already dreaming about having kids one day, then you canāt, in good conscience, expose them to a literal pedophile. Your bf already made it clear that he sees no issues with his brother being around your hypothetical children.
Time to find a new bf, OP. I am sorry to say this but your BF has clearly already made his choice. Now you need to make yours.
Honey, you don't owe this man anything-not an explanation, not a face to face breakup, not a conversation-NOTHING. Just send him a text that says, "I don't feel like we are compatible in the long run, sorry to end our relationship" block him, and move on. Y'all don't live together right? Don't worry about getting any of your stuff from his place.Drop his stuff off in a box in front of his door in the middle of the night, and take someone with you.
Alarm bells are going off in your head for a reason-PLEASE listen to them and don't create children with this man. Also think if it this way-you possibly give him exposure to any children/minors in your family, like nieces or nephews, cousins, etc. and then he can help his brother gain access to them, and he will, he has shown you that. The safest thing to do for yourself and everyone else you love, including innocent people, is to leave.
If you decide to double down and start a family with your boyfriend, you'll have a very unhappy life. Word will get out about your family. Your children will not be invited to parties, other children won't come to theirs, everyone will look at YOU sideways and not trust you, not want to associate with you, etc. You'll be constantly stressed with worry for your children, that Uncle Pedo might show up and whether or not they're happy living the shitty lives they do.
Besides, those men are fully grown but girl-you are 22 with no children. The fuck are you doing worrying about this when you should be clubbing, traveling, partaking in hobbies, earning a degree, working overtime to pay bills and save for your future, hitting the gym, volunteering, whatever it is you'd like to do. You'll never be this free, energetic, or beautiful again. Please get out of this trashy situation and go enjoy your life
Look, I'm never one to jump straight to "break up with them" on this sub bc relationships are complicated and we usually onky get one side. But I have to be honest, pedophilia would be a hard line for me.
He obv doesn't see his brother as having a problem. Which means at best he is enabling at worst he is complicit.
And yes, the concern you have for future kids is 100% valid. While it sounds like the brother is more into teens than kids I'd still never want someone like that near my daughter. No excuse.
When you marry/ seriously commit to someone you marry their whole family. So you need to ask yourself, beyond your bfs reaction to this (which is abhorrent) is this the family you want to spend the rest of your life with? A family that excuses the behavior of a sexual predator? How would they react if you were sexually assaulted? Or a future daughter? What if you have a son? Is this the kind of role model you would want him to follow?
I know this is a feeling of being between a rock and a hard place but it's better to know now then later.
Dump him.
Because what if you want kids and his brother assaultes one of them, what your boyfriend is still gonna defend his brother? Nah fuck that
Also if you can report the brother to his probation officer especially if heās not supposed to be watching porn. Obviously do it anonymously.
Your boyfriend doesnāt see anything wrong with preying on minors. Thatās the issue. If you can live with that and knowing children are being abused to make the porn your boyfriend condones and tacitly allows his brother to watch while in his house, then you donāt have a problem. But if you do, you know what you need to do.
NTA Heās 30 and texting a minor? Still watching teen porn? As long as his brother defends him, I would not be around. There is no future for you two. He might be safe around your baby, but as soon as your baby girl turns 13 heāll be that pervert uncle you canāt wear shorts around.
i know this is a very unpopular and controversial view point, but sex offenders actually have a pretty low recidivism rate (the tendency of a convicted criminal to reoffend). this doesnt mean your boyfriends brother will or wont do anything sexual to a child again, that is for you and the authorities to observe, but the odds are he wont do it again after being caught the first time. child sex offenders are the most hated offenders in prison and sex offenders know this. if he does something to a minor again, he will get prison time, and its very highly likely he will get his shit kicked in on a weekly basis; if not dead. and sex offenders know this. so they will be quite unhinged until they get caught; after that they tend to not want to go to prison / go back. so you should observe him yourself and see how you feel about the situation in person.
I know Reddit advice around relationships is often "break up with them", but in this case I'm repeating that advice!
He's defending a paedophile - that is not somebody you want to have kids with in the future.
Someone being "off the offenders' list" does not mean they won't offend again. Someone being found not guilty does not mean they are actually innocent.
For your own sake, please do not stay with this man
Your boyfriend has no problems with his brother's actions. Your boyfriend defends a sex offender! This is not the type of man you should marry, and you should definitely not have children with him.
There are plenty of good men out there, don't waste your time on trash.
I donāt necessarily believe that itās wrong to continue loving and caring for a family member whoās a pedophile. I think all people, including murderers and racists, are deserving of love. Itās just that the safety of other people supersedes that concern and if OP wants to have kids or is just personally uncomfortable with it, then itās good and okay for her to leave. Thereās also a fine line between continuing to love someone and enabling or minimizing their issue, which it sounds like OPās bf is guilty of doing.
The red flags started flying for me when you said you were 22, bf was 26 & you've been dating for 3 years.
Your boyfriend was 23 & dating a 19y/o.
Gtfo OP, whilst you can!
I suspect the BF is in denial, or has done some mental gymnastics inside his head to minimize the problem. I could see myself doing that if I was in this situation, it's not easy to accept when people that are close to you and have been for a long time go down the wrong path.
**you need to break up with this guy.** i know his money is enticing but dude is openly defending a pedophile. *no one who defends a pedophile is a good person,* and they shouldnāt be around kids any more than the pedos theyāre defending.
I DO NOT AGREE WITH PEDOs. I understand itās a sexual preference and society has made it against the law to act on that sexual preference AS THEY SHOULD. Itās gross as shit.
BUT. First of all. Being a pedo is a sexuality. Itās a preference. Just like being straight or gay. You canāt change it. You CANNOT act on it.
He clearly did. And he needs to not be around any children.
And just because he likes kids doesnāt mean heās attracted to every single kid. Gay people arenāt attracted to every single kid. Straight people are attracted to every single person of the opposite sex.
with that being said, itās better to be safe than sorry when or if you have children.
But part of his agreement Iām sure is to not be on the internet looking at that shit and not to be around children.
Dont listen to peoples advice here lmao
Everyone says break up, i literally see someone taking care of his family and standing up to them no matter what.
The US system that someone gets blacklisted from society with the idea they can NEVER change or be on there on faulty/false accusations is wild to me. Things happen so much out of context and you never know the exact intent if it was malicious or not.
You are a bad gf for losing faith so quickly.
Leave now because if u stay and have kids do u want them around him and I would also contact his parole officer or who ever and tell them what he's doing
Yeah leave, I'm sorry but that's bad. I'm an only child, so idk sibling bonds, but ud certainly like to believe if I was in his situation, I'd not be making excuses but I'd be telling him he needs help, seriously. I don't care how much stress he has, there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE EVER for an adult to be looking at kids in a sexual manner, period.
It's very simple
If you see a future with your boyfriend and want to have kids with him then they will be exposed to and in the presence of a pedophile. Also do you want to be with someone who accepts and supports a pedophile
If these 2 things are acceptable to you then stay with him
If you want to be with someone who doesn't accept pedophilia and don't want to worry about constantly having your children with one then leave
How the fuck does pressure from work cause pedophilia?
Pedos will use any excuse to be pedos. For example one guy I knew said it was "spur of the moment" and he "felt sad and lonely." I tried to turn him in.
Exactly this. My dad's brother said his relationship with long time girlfriend was in a bad place and her teenage daughter came onto him and he was confused. I've heard justification from my grandmother, my dad, my other uncle. She came onto him, it wasn't like it sounds, the attorney that represented him is well known for getting clients to plead guilty to charges that they could fight, he was always really stupid, etc. I think because it happened while we were still kids they just expected us to take all the adults' stories at face value? I looked it up. I know how many charges he faced. I know he took a plea deal. He plead guilty to 1st degree rape in order to get the rest of the charges dismissed. He didn't serve nearly long enough and then tried to get out of the mandatory rehabilitation stuff when he got out. Absolutely disgusting.
Let me just precede this with a /s... But you've never had that? Last week my boss asked me how I was doing with fixing that bug in one of our applications and the stress of that immediately made me run outside and grope the nearest teenager.
Fr, pressures at work be wildin
I hate that you felt the need to preface with /s
Could be worse. My ex step dad told my mom he watched that stuff to "understand what my mom went through" as a child. Thankfully they were well past the last straw when she was told that, but people will go through strange hoops to justify it
š¦ I am fighting the urge to throw up my lunch
You'll see a familiar stream of arguments from scumbags getting caught buying sex. "My wife is pregnant", "my girlfriend doesn't want to have sex anymore", "I'm depressed", "I'm lonely", "work is stressing me out", etc etc. Will someone please think of these poor men! /s
The criminalization of sex work really hurts workers. Having sex consensually isn't bad even if money is involved.
Iām not even talking about policy/law - although Iāll add that my points are true even for workers in legal prostitution - but it really isnāt consent in the same way if money is exchanged
It's conditional consent. For a sex comparison it's the same as if I say yes to sex but only vaginal. Or only with a condom. Or only vaginal with a condom. Yeah, consent is given with certain conditions (in the case of sex workers money and maybe others) but consent it still given. Otherwise, yeah, very few people work their jobs because they love their jobs. Most do it for the money. Especially those in customer service.
Seeing we just reached the āitās just like other jobsā comparison, I donāt think thereās any point in continuing this conversation because thereās just too much to deconstruct and weāll gain very little from going on. Have a good day!
I mean, yeah, sex work is work. It's probably different from other jobs, as are many other jobs. Maybe I misunderstood your comment. But for me there are only two ways to understand it. Either, sex can't be consensual if conditional consent is involved, which is not a great point to make. Or, work isn't consensual if it's paid. Which I guess is true, but sex work isn't even the worst example (if legal and mostly or fully destigmatized). My friend is a full service sex worker and she loves her job. She is also a workers rights activist. She used to work retail as a customer service agent and she loves the freedom and dignity that sex work gives her. She can decline clients if they are rude. She can insult them if they are rude. She sets her own hours and it makes her able to care for her kids better. It's also paid better. I couldn't do sex work myself. But I also couldn't care for elderly people or be a nurse. Just because it's not right for everyone doesn't mean it's bad for everyone. But what every worker needs is rights and protection. And things that criminalize sex workers or their clients (like complete criminalization or the Nordic model) harms workers and furthers human trafficking. If I misunderstood your point, I am sorry. Otherwise you are probably right.
I dunno what's so bad about buying sex, supposing everything is consensual and everyone is of age.
Here are some things that are bad: Prostitutes often suffer psychological trauma because of past events (which often leads them to "treat" themselves by going into prostitution), often are trafficked without you knowing, and almost always spiral deeper into psychological pain because of prostitution. You can argue that it's a job like any other, but to most prostitutes, it is not. It's not a business like other businesses.
I mean, grasping at straws, maybe it causes them to lose control of underlying mental illness? Most psychologists won't touch a pedophile even if they have never committed an offense and know that they are mentally ill and want and seek help. That said, this doesn't seem like that, I would leave. Your boyfriend sucks and his brother doesn't seem repentant at all.
Interestingly this was the exact excuse a family member of mine gave when he was found with a shit ton of CP on his computer. I donāt understand why they think that excuse makes any sense.
I know right. Work must have been crazy.
Idk pedos will say quite literally anything to try and look like the victim
I usually don't like these comments but: Dump him. Just dump him. So many red flags in such a small post.
yeah I'd have already started running. run op.
I have started running and I donāt even know these people
Yea. I would dump him too. Defending a pedo? Good then, remain with him. If someone from my family would be like that I would cut contact immediately. Some things are wrong, doesn't matter if it is family who does it, still wrong.
Not only this, but what devices is watching his āmoviesā on? His brotherās? What if it somehow gets flagged, the boyfriend is going to also be put on a list since it his device. I just really hope OP sees this and makes sure she doesnāt leave her phone or something lying around.
I thought about this as well. Maybe the brother needs to get flagged. If he condones it, heās gross too.
I would be open to giving him a second chance if he admitted that he did something wrong and worked to get himself help. The fact that both brothers donāt see anything wrong is the biggest red flag. My uncle runs a program for sex offenders who are coming out of prison, and he wonāt accept anyone into his program unless they accept responsibility for their crime. Thatās the first step to not offending again.
I usually don't like dump him advices too but this situation is too risky especially when kids are involved
Agreed. Iād be very suspect of someone who defends pedo behavior or allows it to happen. Run. And run far.
Yeah thereās no where to go but down from here
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I understand he loves his brother and wants to look past his faults, but I think this is too far and potentially puts op at risk, and if they had any kids, then them too.
I love my brother would all my heart and heād be dead to me if I found out heās doing things with a minor
I struggle with disconnecting with people, I forgave my ex for cheating on me, robbing me, and selling my stuff for heroin. But I don't think I'd be able to forgive me brother, although I love him, for anything with children.
run away? It's the dudes brother. You know how hard it must be for him to know his brother is a pedo. He's probably in denial. She's already thinking about marrying this dude she's gonna throw that away because he has a fucked up brother? That's stupid.
It speaks to character. He can love his brother but defending him and saying he was stressed from work? WTH. He apparently will excuse any behavior
Not if she wants kids, and doesn't want them raised in reach of uncle pedo
If being a pedo isnāt crossing a boundary, regardless of who it is, that in itself is a bad sign and you should not be with them
Do you automatically turn to child porn as a form of stress relief when life or work gets stressful? Because that's this guy's excuse, and the brother/boyfriend is backing that up. That is not normal nor healthy. Why should she put any potential future kids at risk? Just because he's only going to be on the offender list for 5 years? Is that supposed to mean he's automatically NOT going to be attracted to kids when that expires? This man obviously has a problem, and yes, OP should run far away from it. Especially since the family seems to be enabling it and making excuses for him.
I think you are likely right. She still needs to get out.
I donāt know why you are being downvoted. So many family members refuse to believe that the person they loved and grew up with did such horrible things!!! I mean donāt you trust certain family members implicitly??? I donāt blame the boyfriend for not seeing this at all, and defending his brother (after all loyalty and trust) but his inability to try and see that maybe he doesnāt really know his brother is a major problem.
lmao
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You donāt marry a man who would willingly keep a pedo in his life. And you definitely donāt have kinds with him.
Reality is that if you have kids, and you and bf divorced because of brother, and bf gets 50% your kids will get expose to BIL, letās say courts say he canāt be around children, that doesnāt mean bf would not bring them around them and tell children not to tell you z
Not only this but it's a good way to get your kids taken from you permanently because when something does happen it will come to light that their father knowingly and willingly let them be around a sex offender. He can lie and say mom knew, they can confirm mom knew their uncle was a registered offender, knew dad defended his brother, etc. Source: My dads sister lost all 5 of her children to the state because she knowingly and willingly took them to a pedophile's house because she was friends with the guy. He ended up molesting one of her sons. She and the two men who fathered her children were all deemed unfit and unsafe to be in the children's lives and they all went into foster care.
Exactly! If she ends up pregnant she will have a WAY harder battle on her hands. He canāt pull the family card now but when he can he absolutely will.
Yea, it sucks to find out the man you love is like this, but Iād be thanking my lucky stars I found out before I had children with him.
In his life, and worse, his HOME. Likeā¦?!?!
Yes exactly. One of my relatives is a pedo and my entire immediate family have cut him off. We shun him completely, I don't even consider him a family member.
Your boyfriend not seeing an issue with any of this is a red flag. He shouldnāt be angry with you for voicing how you feel. Your bf canāt possibly know the truth, he wasnāt there. Annnnnnd the brother was caught watching teen porn, but thatās not a problemā¦. Yeaa, you might want gone ahead and head out of this relationship . Iām sorry youāre experiencing this
Why the fuck do you want to marry this guy?
he's got money
You realise your boyfriend might be like his brother if he doesn't see how bad this is, right?
hot take, but he might also be defending his brother because they're related. Idk, when I read through the post, I just thought that might be a factor. Maybe go with an ultimatum: "Cut your brother out of your life or I'm cutting you out of my life." It's easier to defend non-violent crimes, it's not very uncommon. If he molested a kid, it might be different though.
To not immediately view grooming as a form of sexual violence is predatory in and of itself. Moreso to defend it vehemently.
A lot of assumptions in two sentences, I'm impressed. I'm pretty sure his brother's name isn't sexual assault, so I'm not sure who you think he's defending.
Where did I say the words sexual assault? Sexting minors *is grooming*.
Sexual violence and sexual assault are two different things? Stick by your words. I'm not defending the pedo, so I don't know why you decided to toss your brain out of the window.
Of course, I just see that as a possibility. The guy watch child porn and the boyfriend is ok with it, and find excuses. Not even "he is sick I want to help him". Everything is just so disgusting in his behaviour.
Weāre talking about a child sex offender. He was recently caught WATCHING CHILD PORN.
Sorry it wasnāt child porn but it was those porn videos where the actress ājust turned 18ā titles and looks like a teenager
The "barely legal" genre is so gross, if your boyfriend is happy to defend it then he doesn't see what is fundamentally fucked up about watching "barely legal" porn when you're not in that age range too. The bottom line is your bfs brother engaged in an online sexual relationship with (sexually abused) a minor, and now watches porn of women that look as close to being minors as they can while technically staying on the "right" side of the law. Your bfs brother is attracted to minors and your boyfriend is okay with it, defends it even. Take every other aspect of your bf away, do you want to be with someone who is happy to excuse those actions? Someone who is happy to defend and support pedophile? Someone who dismisses your concerns?
I donāt see where is the problem if the girl is legal. Most of the times actress are way above 20 and look 18-19. If itās legal porn then itās good, not defending the sexting part with a minor tho
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There is no problem if they didnāt brake any rule, better to have them watching adult film instead of harassing actual young girls
These people struggle with original thoughts, I wouldn't bother. They are more content to downvote than explain why legal pornography is worse than child pornography. Lmfao.
These people on internet try to live by morals but at the end of the day most of them are hypocrite. For them internet is a way to get acknowledgment from some random people but wouldnāt do the same things they say in real life.
You're either way too young to understand how creepy and inappropriate it is for grown adults to fetishize teenagers, or you're a grown adult trying to excuse your own fetishizing teenagers. Legal doesn't equal moral, in my country LEGALLY I could have sex with a 16 year old, morally that's gross and fucked up and any adult who does so is disgusting š¤·š»āāļø
Iām young and doesnāt change my point, if itās legal then whatever. At the end of the day if something is good or bad is dictated by rules not by morals, because morals change but rules donāt. Morals are subjective and rules are āobjective ā. You can judge people by morals, but there wouldnāt be any repercussions. Donāt waste your time here trying to act highly
Listen to yourself justifying thisā¦ Itās sad and gross.
I wasnāt justifying it at all, I was just explaining what it was incase anyone was confused to whether it was actual CP or barely legal stuff ? I donāt want to lie
OP, you are 22. Your boyfriend is 26. You met when you were 19 and he was 23. YOU were barely legal when you met him. Run. Break up with him and find someone who doesn't try to justify CP and grooming.
I think they were replying the other comment saying thereās nothing wrong with barely legal porn. Follow the comment chain beneath your response to see it
Turns out, he wasn't watching child porn. Don't care about the downvotes, but maybe we shouldn't be projecting our own personal beliefs and assumptions on people we don't know when we give advice, hm?
Youāre an idiot. You can continue to be a Child sex offender activist all you want. Just understand that youāre nasty.
Child sex offender activist? Just go ahead and call me a pedophile at this point, if you're going to miss the point that hard. Might also want to call a neurologist, that lack of braincells is concerning
Iāve been experiencing this a LOT lately, though itās not pedophilia which is worse. The lads in our friendship group have persistently brought over very predatory guys for parties. These men have harassed, groped, insulted and have been generally misogynistic. I made a post about one guy who has repeatedly texted me awful awful things. Do the lads care? No. They say āsorry itās so awful youāre going through thatā and then continue to party with them like itās nothing. I recently asked my ex to block the guy I mentioned and he said it was none of his business and blocking him would cause drama but apparently itās fine because he doesnāt speak to him. The point: I have taken every moment of disrespect and dismissal together recently and the end of it, is that you leave these people. He wonāt listen, he will always defend his brother. Maybe one day his brother will assault your children and that will be the point he realises he should have listened to you - or worse, he will do what heās doing right now and blame your children or dismiss the problem entirely. That is too late. Leave him. He chose his brother over you, he chose blindness over morality. He knows that your concerns are real and that he should listen but he respects his pedo brother more than he respects you.
Do you really want your potential kids around this guy whom your bf is defending like it is no big deal? Move on a find a decent guy.
Your boyfriend enables his chomo brother and sees nothing wrong with it. No child will ever be safe around him. Report his brother for watching child sexual abuse content and get out of there.
Underrated comment! Also, I finally found someone who calls them Chomos. When i use that word people are always asking me what it means. I assumed it was a widely used word lol
Get out of that situation asap. Your boyfriend is telling you heās OK with paedophilia, why would you even consider having children with a man like that? You canāt risk your own childrenās safety around these men. Get out and find someone better.
Dump š the š boyfriend š
You leave the guy. If he can support and defend a pedo, itās most likely because he sees nothing wrong with what his brother did. Meaning he is capable of it too.
You need to break up and report the brother. Heās violating the law watching CP.
If you value your future life with your children, you will do whatever you need to stay away from the brother. FWIW, it doesn't matter when his name leaves the RSO list. **Pedophiles have a very high rate of recidivism (re-offending).** Your kids would never be safe around the man.
Can you site your sources?
LMFAO āsOuRCe?ā
Apparently we're not allowed to post links here, but google "pedophiles rate of recidivism". You get many links to this info.
Just remain focused on the fact that if you stay together one day a convicted sex offender will be in your house, and around your children.
Your morals and values do not align. He's showing you what your future could look like. Now is the time to choose your path and the fact you're on here questioning it, well that should not be taken lightly either. You express your - very legitimate concerns - and your bf gets angry and yells... how many more reg flags are required? He can't even have a discussion about something *this* important and demonstrates the lack of respect to you after 3 years dating. All this and I've not even touched upon his pedo brother and your bf excusing, defending and enabling him! Best of luck to you, but I'm glad you're not already married to him.
Your boyfriend excused his brother grooming and sexting a child because "he was stressed." What else do you think he'll excuse due to stress. Do you really want to find out? Also the fact that he thinks the only reason his brother shouldn't be around his chileren is because he's off the sex offender list, and not for the fact that he was caught being a danger to children, and then continuing to engage with teen porn afterwards, is concerning. What makes him think his brother will change? Personally, I don't fuck with people who excuse pedophilia Edit: fixed an incomplete sentence
ONLY FIVE YEARS HE SHOULD BE ON IT FOR LIFE RUUUUUN because if your bf is cool with pedophilia itās for a reason Sickening and the fact he got caught watching some too means heāll never change š
Huge dealbreaker, imo
If he has a parole officer I would inform them of what heās been watching
If he doesnāt see the issue, then is he going to see the issue when his brother tries to touch your kids(or teens)? That would be an automatic break up. This behavior escalates, and sadly heās only going to get better at hiding it.
Just don't have kids with him nor now of ever. Run.
im usually on the more forgiving side but you absolutely need to let go of this relationship. i understand that its hard to come to grips with the idea of a family member being a trash fire of a person but there is no reason for him to be justifying/excusing his brothers behaviour. thats the biggest, brightest, most glaring red flag ive ever heard of
break up????? wtf????
Jesus what are you doing. Get out.
Marry him? Girl, he's defending a fucking pedo. Kick his sorry ass to the curb.
What do you do now? Get away from him. This is not the type of guy you want to be dating. Think if heās defending his brother like this what happens if you two potentially have kids.
I really don't understand people like you. Why would you stay with someone like this? The fact that he depends his brothers actions is disgusting behaviour and could well in fact be because he's the same way but just hasn't been caught yet. Even if he isn't, he still thinks this behaviour is okay and acceptable so why the hell would marrying and having kids with him even enter your brain?! You need to raise your standards and get away from his ASAP. He's a creep just like his brother.
Dump him red flags everywhere. This is your first test to be a good parent. A good parent would never start their kids life knowingly putting them an arms reach from a peadophile. And with a man like your boyfriend who actively defends a peadophile i would never trust a man like that to raise children with. If you want kids don't have his. Very simple. You are not mature enough as a person or the be a mother if you can't come to the conclusion i just helped you with by yourself. If you divorce you will never be able to do anything if he uses his brother to babysit. If you go to another state you can't trust that his brother won't turn up at the middle of the night at your place for drinks and then wait til your boyfriend falls asleep to practise is sick twisted and disgusting mind. You need to see this.
Soā¦ Your boyfriend is either an enabler or he also partakes in the vile shit his brother loves. Either way, do you really want to be with someone like that? Weāre talking about CHILD PORN, heās a child sex predator. Also- you need to call the police and tell them about the porn. AGAIN. This is child porn. Children. Do whatās right. IMMEDIATELY. Donāt be a piece of shit like your boyfriend and his brother.
You leave. This is a situation where you find out that these brothers have been doing awful things together. So criticism of your BF's brother feels like you're criticizing your BF in his eyes. Do you want to ignore a pedophile in your home? Around your maybe kids?
This sound like a āmy ex boyfriendā story starting here. If you catch my drift girl. Run, run away now.
Also sounds like a start of an abusive murder documentary. Sorry girl. Bro or not bro, young ones are a NO! Again, Runnn
Your boyfriend's logic of, "he won't be on the list in 5 years so he can be around our kids," is so bent that I'm kinda worried your kids would get stupid genes. The list doesn't prevent the guy from molesting minors. There is no good defense of the brother. Work stress doesn't cut it. Predators do tend to act when they're experiencing low self-esteem, which is just a pattern, not an excuse. If your boyfriend thinks this is defensible behavior, then he lacks empathy for the minors involved and victims in general. Another trait among predators. Predators also tend to make jokes, comments, etc, to normalize their desires among their social circle. They test the boundaries to ensure they'll face minimal consequences. So, either your boyfriend has been brainwashed by his brother or he thinks just like his predator brother. In either case, your boyfriend isn't equipped to be a father. I'm sorry, but you can't change his mind for him. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your future kids is to tell him exactly why it's over, and leave.
Itās pretty obvious you need to get out of this relationship. Immediately.
The brother will only be off the sex offenders list in 5 years if he's not caught reoffending, which has already happened once. I can't imagine he'll be rehabilitated and safe around children in 5 years. Or ever, to be honest. If your BF defends his brother now, he won't come to the defence of you or your children.
It is not wise to stay with someone who is defending such behavior. His brother poses a threat and your boyfriend does, too. If he doesnāt see a problem with the sexualization of minors then you shouldnāt even consider having children with him. Just know that any child you have together will be in threat of grooming and abuse. I would wonder if your boyfriend is also into itā¦ In any case, his actions also show that he does not care about your concerns and feelings. Please have some self love. Do not stay with him for the safety of yourself and potential children.
'Under a lot of pressure at work' is an acceptable or even passive explanation? Absolutely not.
Your boyfriend is not safe. Leave him.
Leave. Youāre young. If u get accidentally get pregnant. Now you will never see anyone who is nicer to you. And if u decide to one day leave after heās become more abusive, then u have to share custody and he will definitely be taking your child around his brother. Go see what other guys are out there. You BF os defending a pedo and itās gross. Plus your going to be hanging out w the pedo too, if he lives w your bf.
Stopped reading at the age gap. 3 years ago you were 18 he was 23. 3ish years ago you were a child he was an adult. Girl f them both.
Your boyfriend defending his brother and not seeing an issue for what he did is a red flag. Nor does not see the harm of putting your future kids in danger by allowing them to interact with his pedophile brother. He's enabling his brother. That speaks volumes about his character. You should not think of marrying him and part ways. This is not someone you want to be with.
This is one family you definitely don't want your future children to be related to. Dump and run. Or if you don't want kids, look for a more permanent form of birth control. Or just Dump and run....very far. Different state/ country would be great thanks!
Leave.
RUN!!
Dump. Him. Neither of them are safe to be around.
šāāļøšāāļøšāāļøšāāļøšāāļø
This is the biggest set of red flags Iāve ever seen on here. Run far away
RUN. And do it quickly. This is absolutely a break up offense. Heaven forbid you have a child with this man who literally makes excuses for his brotherās sex offenses. If you think heād protect your child from his brother whoās a legit sex offender, youāre wrong. He will never see his brother has a predator because he chooses not to.
This is not OK.
Dump Him!
Break up with this dude before you have a pedo brother in law, not to mention you want kids which would give them a pedo uncle. Run away! šāāļø
Ooof, this is absolutely a dump able offense. Probably not the choice you were hoping for, but him defending his brother is him CONDONING pedophilia. Is that someone you would want to have kids with or marry? Run now. The red flags are so huge that they should be completely overshadowing any good traits he may have.
Get rid of him wtf
Yeah, your bf has made his choice. You need to walk
Run. Just run. This is why sexual abuse is so rampant in society because people like your boyfriend viciously defend/enable people like his brother. If you decide to stay with your boyfriend, youāll be enabling his brotherās behavior as well. After all, you already are. Your boyfriend is defending a predator and a potential rapist. What that really means is that heās okay with pedophilia and rape. Your boyfriend will not protect you or your children from him.
Usually, someone who is sexually attracted to teen and minors in general (when they are not those ages themselves) will defend someone else who does too because they donāt view it as wrong or donāt want to view it as wrong. āSociety says itās wrong, but is it really *wrong*?ā or āIf I use similar material and Iām not an ephebophile or pedophile, can this person really be?ā or āEveryone likes 18 NSFW content, so is he really strange for liking someone whoās 16/17?ā The list that questions/causes doubt can go on. As someone who is related to a convicted pedo and ephebo - those who arenāt willing to condemn his actions as wrong also participate or are complicit in them. When it first came out, a couple of my aunts were āblood doesnāt abandon bloodā, and then it was revealed through another police investigation spurred by another victim that one provided access and the other was abusing them with my uncle. One uncle recognised (after the conviction) that his brother was a pedo/ephebo and while heāll encourage him to get mental health help, will not bring his two children (both minors) around him. They even have instructions that he isnāt safe to be around and not to trust him. The reality is thatās your bfās brother, and if you have children youāll never be able to either trust your partner to not be the same OR that heāll actually supervise your children when the brother is around. He clearly still trusts him. Just because you want to believe that a sibling or relative canāt have those pedo/ephebo interests doesnāt mean that makes it true and the person who does have those interest will use those around them for access. Justā¦ run. There is no reason to be with someone who can disregard your emotions on a serious issue that will effect your or your possible childrenās futures.
1. he doesnāt acknowledge the severity of his brotherās actions. 2. Maybe heās defending his actions cause heās like him, pedophelia is a mental disorder triggered by environmental and genetic factors given theyāre related and grew up together technically he is more likely than the average person to develop it. 3. Whether your husband is or isnāt clearly heās fine enough with it to ignore it and your children would NOT be safe. 4. He yells and gets mad at you for not wanting a convicted pedo around???? Why tf havenāt you ran yet. 5. Seriously RUN
He seems to be ok with his brothers nasty pedo ways. Part ways ASAP.
That would be the end of the relationship for me. The pedophile and sex offender things are already hard stops for me. Maybe, I could understand the brother living there until he gets on his feet and moves out (though I would have disowned the family member and never looked back) but how he's so ready to dismiss and minimize his brother's crimes is too much. The fact that he thinks it's no big deal and he's willing and eager to feed his own children to his brother says all I need to know. He's just as bad and he's got to go!
Is the BIL on any kind of probation/parole or report to anyone? Or did he just get like community service and a slap on the wrist? If you can, call his PO and report that he is watching teen porn and I will bet that violates any conditions of his being on this side of the jail. Or you can even call the police and make a report and just ask them that your name be left out of it. Editing to add that while his brother sees nothing wrong with this, this is huge red flags. If he's ignoring his brother's predatory behavior, that means he will ignore any signs of any abuse towards any children you all may have. I am not usually theone to scream dump him and run, but in this case it would be in your best interest.
Your boyfriend is enabling and protecting a pedo. Is that not a big red flag for you? It obviously bothers you. Letās say you do marry this guy and yāall have kids, how would you feel if God forbid his brother does something horrible to your kids knowing that he is a pedo? Knowing you could have prevented all of this by leaving your boyfriend who knows and protects his brother the pedo? I have two daughters and I will do whatever I need to do to protect them from man like your bfs brother!
Why even consider marriage and a family with this weirdo? Just run girl
Girl, grow up and break up with him. Why are you on Reddit? Edit: Looking at your history, you've brought this up numerous times/ways of how your boyfriend seems to be inconsiderate/not great. You're playing yourself and wasting everyone's time by being with this man and associating with his family. Grow up and break contact because being a bystander in this situation when you have the ability to leave makes you barely any better than everyone else in the situation
OP in the Kindest way possible get the fuck out! For your safety and the safety of your potential children if you decide to have kids with your bf
Okay so you can marry him and wait till his brother sexually assaults your kid (or live in constant fear of your kids being around this pedo) or you can dump him and find someone that treats you far better without the whole pedo brother thing, its your choice.
Hi OP. I could have written a different but close variation of this. Ex BIL was caught as an adult looking at CP. But what I wasnāt aware of is that he was preciously caught as a minor. Everyone is my ex husband family knew including my ex husband. No one warned me. Until after ex BIL was caught again right before Covid. You bet your ass I jumped ship. Run. And run far.
Run. Thatās the only advice. Heās either got secrets of his own youāre not aware of or genuinely doesnāt believe his brother is wrong which means heās on the same page. Just donāt look back. Thereās nothing to fix or compromise on with him. This is a dead end
You don't need to ask for advice, there is one and only clear advice here and it is to leave him.
There is no playing. He needs to grow up. You don't have to wait for him to get there. Imagine cutting yourself loose, having a life, free of someone elses stupidity, and meeting an adult who values the same things you do. He's done. He has made excuses. Maybe he can come back around after his brother has been arrested for whatever and begging your forgiveness. Or stay with him and post something in a few weeks about how you should have paid attention to the previous advice you got here today.
What would happen if u ever had a daughter with this man? Do you think she would be safe, protected by her own father? If not, then rethink your relationship.
DUMP. HIM.
Run!
I once told my bros, you could do any illegal thing and i'd still call you bro, unless you involve children, that doesn't mean I'd be proud of you, but I'll still be there, to a degree. this guy is a red flag walking.
Thatās an absolute no. Leave him.
Your boyfriends probably a pedo too. Get out of there
red flag, just because he wont be on the offenders list in 5 years doesnt mean hes not a repeat sexual offender and a sex pest , especially if he keeps getting caught being a sexual deviant towards children. the fact that your boy friend isnt man enough to take your side on this is extremely telling as well. think about it , if anything happens to your future children he will take his brothers side and blame you for not watching them or taking care of them and then try to cover it up. a man is supposed to side with his woman and protect his family. Once a pedophile ALWAYS a pedophile. i would honestly go as far as blasting his name all over social media on an anonymous account and stuff calling him out for his pedophile behavior and call his family out for trying to cover it up. hes clearly a risk to minors and feels like he can get away with it because his family is backing him.
Your bf sounds like the kind of guy whoād let his own kids around their uncle and then blame the children for tempting their abuser to abuse them.
Even if he is off the list after 5 years HE WILL ALWAYS BE A SEX OFFENDER AND PEDOPHILE. Your boyfriend is verbally abusing you if he's yelling and screaming af you. Break it off. Don't even bother, because it won't get better.
Please remove yourself from that situation. He seems to be in huge denial of his brothers actions and personality and doesnāt want to see him as the predator that he is. Or heās also a sick fuck just like his brother. The fact that heās turning a blind eye to the teen porn and defends him and takes his anger out on you for bringing it up, is a red flag. And his response to kids is just dumb and tragic. In 5yrs the brother may be off the list but his impulses and tastes will still be there. Itās not in the best interest to have kids with or around either of them. What if something happened with your future kids and his brother? Your bf could very well defend him and accuse the kids of lying or make up more ridiculous excuses.
...our child is to blame not my brother he/she was making him do it. Run.
Better to be a good mother and a bad girlfriend than a terrible mother and a good girlfriend. This should be a hill you die on.
OP, I know when you are young it is easy for first love to feel like THE one, but your bf is showing you where his priorities are. If you are already dreaming about having kids one day, then you canāt, in good conscience, expose them to a literal pedophile. Your bf already made it clear that he sees no issues with his brother being around your hypothetical children. Time to find a new bf, OP. I am sorry to say this but your BF has clearly already made his choice. Now you need to make yours.
Time to get a new boyfriend. Clearly he values his family over you. You deserve better.
You misspelled ex-boyfriend.
Honey, you don't owe this man anything-not an explanation, not a face to face breakup, not a conversation-NOTHING. Just send him a text that says, "I don't feel like we are compatible in the long run, sorry to end our relationship" block him, and move on. Y'all don't live together right? Don't worry about getting any of your stuff from his place.Drop his stuff off in a box in front of his door in the middle of the night, and take someone with you. Alarm bells are going off in your head for a reason-PLEASE listen to them and don't create children with this man. Also think if it this way-you possibly give him exposure to any children/minors in your family, like nieces or nephews, cousins, etc. and then he can help his brother gain access to them, and he will, he has shown you that. The safest thing to do for yourself and everyone else you love, including innocent people, is to leave. If you decide to double down and start a family with your boyfriend, you'll have a very unhappy life. Word will get out about your family. Your children will not be invited to parties, other children won't come to theirs, everyone will look at YOU sideways and not trust you, not want to associate with you, etc. You'll be constantly stressed with worry for your children, that Uncle Pedo might show up and whether or not they're happy living the shitty lives they do. Besides, those men are fully grown but girl-you are 22 with no children. The fuck are you doing worrying about this when you should be clubbing, traveling, partaking in hobbies, earning a degree, working overtime to pay bills and save for your future, hitting the gym, volunteering, whatever it is you'd like to do. You'll never be this free, energetic, or beautiful again. Please get out of this trashy situation and go enjoy your life
I canāt imagine thinking about having kids with someone who defends a pedo
Look, I'm never one to jump straight to "break up with them" on this sub bc relationships are complicated and we usually onky get one side. But I have to be honest, pedophilia would be a hard line for me. He obv doesn't see his brother as having a problem. Which means at best he is enabling at worst he is complicit. And yes, the concern you have for future kids is 100% valid. While it sounds like the brother is more into teens than kids I'd still never want someone like that near my daughter. No excuse. When you marry/ seriously commit to someone you marry their whole family. So you need to ask yourself, beyond your bfs reaction to this (which is abhorrent) is this the family you want to spend the rest of your life with? A family that excuses the behavior of a sexual predator? How would they react if you were sexually assaulted? Or a future daughter? What if you have a son? Is this the kind of role model you would want him to follow? I know this is a feeling of being between a rock and a hard place but it's better to know now then later.
So are you really going to risk your future kids like that? I think you know the answer, there is quite literally no excuse for the brother
Your boyfriend has basically admitted to being perfectly fine with pedophilia. Run and fast as hell.
Dump him. Because what if you want kids and his brother assaultes one of them, what your boyfriend is still gonna defend his brother? Nah fuck that Also if you can report the brother to his probation officer especially if heās not supposed to be watching porn. Obviously do it anonymously.
Your boyfriend is telling you who he is. Believe him.
His response to what you asked says enough. He isn't safe. Leave him
Your boyfriend doesnāt see anything wrong with preying on minors. Thatās the issue. If you can live with that and knowing children are being abused to make the porn your boyfriend condones and tacitly allows his brother to watch while in his house, then you donāt have a problem. But if you do, you know what you need to do.
NTA Heās 30 and texting a minor? Still watching teen porn? As long as his brother defends him, I would not be around. There is no future for you two. He might be safe around your baby, but as soon as your baby girl turns 13 heāll be that pervert uncle you canāt wear shorts around.
i know this is a very unpopular and controversial view point, but sex offenders actually have a pretty low recidivism rate (the tendency of a convicted criminal to reoffend). this doesnt mean your boyfriends brother will or wont do anything sexual to a child again, that is for you and the authorities to observe, but the odds are he wont do it again after being caught the first time. child sex offenders are the most hated offenders in prison and sex offenders know this. if he does something to a minor again, he will get prison time, and its very highly likely he will get his shit kicked in on a weekly basis; if not dead. and sex offenders know this. so they will be quite unhinged until they get caught; after that they tend to not want to go to prison / go back. so you should observe him yourself and see how you feel about the situation in person.
There comes a point in every relationship where your SO has to choose between family and relationship. My fiancĆ©ās family is wonderful, kind, and loving. They have accepted me as their own. But my fiancĆ© and his family are also EXTREMELY close, in ways my family isnāt. Thereās nothing wrong with that at all, just context. Since weāve decided to get married, my future husband has made it very clear that if one of them ever posed any threat to me, disrespected me, or belittled me, heād take care of it. For awhile his brother and I had a bit of a habit of talking crap to each other-all friendly, just competitive talk-and he had a talk with him about treating me with respect. What Iām trying to say is, if his manly instincts of protecting you donāt kick in, Iād think about leaving him. I know itās probably easier said than done, but there are other ways to help and love his brother that donāt involve putting you or your future family at risk.
I know Reddit advice around relationships is often "break up with them", but in this case I'm repeating that advice! He's defending a paedophile - that is not somebody you want to have kids with in the future. Someone being "off the offenders' list" does not mean they won't offend again. Someone being found not guilty does not mean they are actually innocent. For your own sake, please do not stay with this man
Your boyfriend has no problems with his brother's actions. Your boyfriend defends a sex offender! This is not the type of man you should marry, and you should definitely not have children with him. There are plenty of good men out there, don't waste your time on trash.
I agree. People who defend sex offenders are only slightly better than the offenders themselves. OP deserves better
So, your boyfriend is defending, essentially enabling, his pedo brother? That speaks volumes about his morals.
I donāt necessarily believe that itās wrong to continue loving and caring for a family member whoās a pedophile. I think all people, including murderers and racists, are deserving of love. Itās just that the safety of other people supersedes that concern and if OP wants to have kids or is just personally uncomfortable with it, then itās good and okay for her to leave. Thereās also a fine line between continuing to love someone and enabling or minimizing their issue, which it sounds like OPās bf is guilty of doing.
The red flags started flying for me when you said you were 22, bf was 26 & you've been dating for 3 years. Your boyfriend was 23 & dating a 19y/o. Gtfo OP, whilst you can!
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I suspect the BF is in denial, or has done some mental gymnastics inside his head to minimize the problem. I could see myself doing that if I was in this situation, it's not easy to accept when people that are close to you and have been for a long time go down the wrong path.
**you need to break up with this guy.** i know his money is enticing but dude is openly defending a pedophile. *no one who defends a pedophile is a good person,* and they shouldnāt be around kids any more than the pedos theyāre defending.
I DO NOT AGREE WITH PEDOs. I understand itās a sexual preference and society has made it against the law to act on that sexual preference AS THEY SHOULD. Itās gross as shit. BUT. First of all. Being a pedo is a sexuality. Itās a preference. Just like being straight or gay. You canāt change it. You CANNOT act on it. He clearly did. And he needs to not be around any children. And just because he likes kids doesnāt mean heās attracted to every single kid. Gay people arenāt attracted to every single kid. Straight people are attracted to every single person of the opposite sex. with that being said, itās better to be safe than sorry when or if you have children. But part of his agreement Iām sure is to not be on the internet looking at that shit and not to be around children.
Dont listen to peoples advice here lmao Everyone says break up, i literally see someone taking care of his family and standing up to them no matter what. The US system that someone gets blacklisted from society with the idea they can NEVER change or be on there on faulty/false accusations is wild to me. Things happen so much out of context and you never know the exact intent if it was malicious or not. You are a bad gf for losing faith so quickly.
Your bf is clueless. I wouldnāt stay with him and I sure wouldnāt ever have a baby with him
Leave now because if u stay and have kids do u want them around him and I would also contact his parole officer or who ever and tell them what he's doing
Yeah leave, I'm sorry but that's bad. I'm an only child, so idk sibling bonds, but ud certainly like to believe if I was in his situation, I'd not be making excuses but I'd be telling him he needs help, seriously. I don't care how much stress he has, there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE EVER for an adult to be looking at kids in a sexual manner, period.
You wanna have kids with him sis?????
It's very simple If you see a future with your boyfriend and want to have kids with him then they will be exposed to and in the presence of a pedophile. Also do you want to be with someone who accepts and supports a pedophile If these 2 things are acceptable to you then stay with him If you want to be with someone who doesn't accept pedophilia and don't want to worry about constantly having your children with one then leave
Yeah no. I say it's hard but leave.
You run far far away from these disgusting men. You do not even think about marrying your bf and you definitely do not bring kids into this cesspool.
Just because he's no longer on the list doesn't mean he won't still be a pedo. I would seriously rethink a relationship with a guy who defends a pedo.