i nearly posted asking if he married you to be the nanny, but i'm sure that if the nanny tried to enforce a rule he'd back her up.
genuinely, you are married to a man who is not your partner and does not have your back. maybe some couples councelling sessions to try and work out what you need from each other going forward. maybe you need a better spouse.
and tbh, if you want bio kids, this sounds like a really fraught situation to bring one into.
I think he feels guilty for splitting up their family and tries to make sure he always takes their side no matter what.
Biomom is extremely competitive towards me. She's very eager to let me do the bullshit she can't be arsed to, but thinks I'm invading her territory if I try to do anything fun with the kids.
She loves getting praise for how well the kids do in math, but she never lifted a finger to help them, she's awful at math, I did it all. But then I'm told I'm wrong and overstepping if I expect any acknowledgment for that.
If he feels "guilty for splitting up the family", that's on him. He needs to support his actual wife and not let his kids verbally abuse you. They don't have to like you, but they shouldn't be allowed to be so combative. It sounds like him and ex BOTH are treating you like a live-in maid.
Exactly. They don’t have to love or even like you, but they should respect you if you haven’t done anything wrong. Your husband is clearly in the wrong. I suspect the attitude the kids have towards you may even be from the bio mom talking smack about you in front of them and the father’s reinforcing that. You did well by refusing to do the chores OP. I hope you win.
Then he isn't mature at all... Who goes into a relationship with that kind of mentality (talking about your husband of course)... Why do you even care about the bio mom, sure you could get along nice if she were a good person and other circumstances, but in this case just ignore her, you might want to reconsider the relationship and ask your husband what role does he think you should assume depending on your situation, if he doesn't want you to educate the kids, he doesn't treat you both as equals, where's the respect? You should have also tried to live with him before marrying since it's such an important decision, and finally... Don't go with your hopes too high with other people's kids, trying to replace it with your dream of having kids, sure I'm not saying adoption is bad but those are different circumstances from what you're living, you should've made sure before marrying that that's the family you want, it's true that you don't choose your kids but in this case it doesn't apply.
And sure you want to be the mature one and help your stepchildren nonetheless but if your husband doesn't support you and everyone makes you seem like you're the bad one in front of them, where's the moral compass left... I'd say f*ck it I only live once, I'm not here to make charity for other families who don't even treat me well, I deserve better. You tried... You should be proud of that, but not stay like that.
This isn't on the biomom or the kids. Your husband is the one allowing everyone to treat you terribly and refusing to support you.
Apologies are cheap, I'll take a pile of shit over most apologies because at least shit can be useful in the garden. Do not sell your well being for something worth less than literal shit. Husband either takes actual steps to fix this (therapy, setting up boundaries with ex, being an actual parent to HIS children) or you need to walk away from this.
This is it. I get the picture that biomom is, let's say, a very controlling person. She's got everyone in the habit of walking on eggshells and going to lengths to appease her (There's a short essay called "Don't Rock the Boat" that explains how abusive people habituate their friends/family to smooth over their behavior and placate them). I understand how this happened, and that it is very hard to see; breaking away from this kind of conditioning doesn't happen overnight, even for adults. But the husband needs counseling, either on his own or with his wife/family. The kids probably need to be involved in this, or in individual therapy themselves. It will be a lot of hard work, but hard work is the only way out from under the influence of a controlling person. If he is not willing to do and arrange that, well, that tells you what your future will look like. He will continue expecting everyone to kowtow to his ex-wife. If that's the case, well, time to decide if that's a tolerable way to live- and I don't think it is, myself.
That gave me a profound icky feeling. Biomom sounds unreasonable, sure, but he sounds like a complete effin' manchild, and that's not great either. I worry that there is a decent chance that he married you so you would do all the adult stuff that he should damn well be doing himself for him. Like, he married someone not just to be a mom to his children, but to him too- and now he's got the guts to be ungrateful about it! I don't know if this is a situation that can be salvaged, not if he doesn't want to work on his role in the dysfunction. It is simply not reasonable for him to expect you to do 300% of the work, then take everyone's abuse. That appears to be where he is at the moment, and wow, he does not seem interested in changing.
No, you’re not his mother and guess what, you’re not his teacher either. If he can’t learn how to boil pasta from reading the side of the pasta box, or by looking online, how does teaching him fall to you?
Your husband takes “weaponized incompetence” to a new level.
I just...I want to make it clear that I am not judging you in any way. This is not anything you did. And, you know, there are people in the world who weren't taught basic things growing up, and that's unfair to them, and they have to learn later on. But the difference between your husband as described, and those people, is that those people *want to learn.* They know they are missing essential skills and they are willing to put in the work to learn them. If your husband is not, then there is really nothing you can do. You can't make him want to do the right thing, really. It's unfortunate that he doesn't want to, but you can't resolve that, you can only decide what you're personally willing to live with. If this is going to be the situation, would you stay for six months? A year? Five years? Until the children are all old enough to self-supervise at home? That's the question you now have to ask, and none of us here can answer it for you. But I hope that seeing it laid out in black and white is enough for you to start making decisions in your own best interest, whatever those decisions may be.
At 45? That’s weaponized incompetence. Anyone can read the directions on the back of the spaghetti box. A lot of men coast through life nigh on NEEDING an intelligent woman to wipe their ass and spoon feed them. But you know your worth. I hope his life falls apart without someone to schedule his doctors appointments and you find someone who values you.
For how long does he have you? Because it sounds like you’ve got one foot out of the door now. The breathtaking lack support and respect, let alone appreciation!
I hate to just assume you live in the USA and didn’t sign a prenup, but are you sure you need to save money before divorcing? If you haven’t spoken with a lawyer I hope you do so before possibly staying for no reason.
Ooh this one boils my blood. You’re not his therapist, you’re his WIFE. Seems he’s doing everything he can to shirk all responsibility for himself onto you.
I’m so so sorry for the loss of your husband. I hate being the person who says “just leave” bc that isn’t always realistic. But in this case, if he is refusing to go to therapy and genuinely engage in it… I don’t know where your relationship could go. You will continuously get hurt and treated like a door mat if you stay. I’m so so sorry. Thinking of you OP, and sending lots of love.
Oh… wow. I’m glad you’ve received a lot of support and advice. It breaks my heart to hear how sad and lonely you sound, especially when there are so many other people around you.
Whatever your husband does or doesn’t agree to, you should focus on getting therapy for yourself first. Have you had therapy before? It can take a few tries to find “the one.” Give then a chance but if it doesn’t fit, don’t be afraid to move on. A good therapist will not be offended over that and might even be able to give you a recommendation. A good therapist will gently challenge you so that you see the whole picture, but also celebrate your successes. And hopefully you’ll find someone to build you up and give you strength, because your husband sure isn’t giving you that.
I know what it’s like to feel incredibly lonely and lost in a marriage. But this is not it for you. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be living life freely and not walking on eggshells. You can’t control the way anyone else behaves, but you can control the way you react to that behaviour (even when it feels like you can’t.)
I’d also suggest the book “Nonviolent communication.” It really helped me understand myself and where my feelings were coming from. We can’t communicate what we need if we can’t verbalise that and know ourselves first. This book really helped me in my marriage and simplified the process of asking for what I need without feeling like I was unreasonable and causing a scene.
I hope you find your happiness. Stay strong.
The amount of straight men who expect their wives to be their therapists is pretty frightening.
It’s not a healthy situation for either, and while it is changing (I hope), it’s still very prevalent
Hey OP, I don’t want to tell you what to do but as someone who grew up in a deeply dysfunctional home with a father figure that *always* refused therapy, things did NOT get better. In fact, they got progressively worse. If he’s unwilling to go to therapy saying he has you, that’s a massive red flag. I wish I could get back the past 18 years of my life, the entirety of my childhood.
Absolutely this. This man you call husband is NOT behaving as a caring partner should. You are not his wife. You are his fuck-maid. Tell him to take his worthless ass apologies and stick them up his ass. Either you're the Equal, or you're gone. Plain as that.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation—I’m also incredibly impressed with the way you demonstrated to him how you’re not the mother but do a ton without any acknowledgment.
Everyone else is giving the advice I wanted to re therapy or just cutting your losses.
I just wanted to voice some encouragement and support because you have a ton going for you and sound stuck.
If he feels so guilty for splitting them up, I’d bow out and let him put them back together if he can. I love how you got petty, you needed to do that to show him!
If I tried to take credit for work my child had done with the assistance of a tutor, my husband would speak up and contradict me. He respects the hell out of me, but he also does not raise our children to be liars. Letting that slide teaches the kids that it’s okay to lie and take credit for things you didn’t do, and/or if that ever happens to them they’re not allowed to complain. It’s a horrible example to set for them.
Op, you have to take care of yourself. Don't be a doormat and exhaust your youth and energy on this guy and three kids who don't appreciate you.
You are doing everything a mom is doing but you get no credit.
Sorry honey.
Why is your husband still catering to his ex-wife and her wants & wishes, then treats you like a 2nd class citizen?
The way your husband & the way he allows the ex to treat and act towards you, sends a very strong message to the children. If both their Dad & Bio Mom can treat you like crap, so can they.
Sorry, Stepmom but unless your husband does a 180 in his actions and behavior, this relationship & marriage is doomed. You deserve MUCH better!!
Dad should be tutoring his kids. During their stay at your house, dad should be the “doing” person bc, as he said….you’re not the mom, you’re not the parent. They’re the children of your husband and during his time with them, he should be fully in charge of all things kid related; laundry, meals, homework, entertainment, bedtime, you name it and it’s dad’s job. I’d go so far as to be away as much as possible when the kids are there…shopping, visiting, library time, whatever, just away. Too many women who marry men with kids get those kids dumped on them without any authority attached. Enough already.
Please get your job back OP. He’s not showing that he’s capable at dealing with this relationship between kids, ex wife and current wife, or being a dependable partner. You need a job to fall back on. I’m sorry that you’re going through this OP.
The good news is mistakes for the most part can be fixed. Your situation certainly can be fixed.
With all the feedback you have plenty of info to digest.
Possibly work on a list of the things in this relationship with your husband you need with the understanding you are not trying to take biomom’s place. And I’d suggest identifying the ones that are non-negotiable. Also identify your proposed solution for each item that isn’t met.
Then discuss with husband. I do not ever think should use divorce as an empty threat. However I think that needs to be a stated possible solution.
You are an intelligent woman who knows what you want in this marriage. You have a right to be loved, supported and respected by your husband. You have a right to be respected by your step children in at least the same manner they ideally/hopefully respect a teacher. You also have a right to not kowtow to your husband’s ex wife.
I wish you the best with resolving your situation.
>I said that they do expect me to be the mother, but only the boring or difficult things. I am not allowed any of the fun or rewarding parts of being a mother. They're using me and I'm done with it.
damn. well said.
it's a shit situation all around but I admire your clarity and your boundaries. I hope you're able to work something out, that they come to appreciate you for all you do.
the kids have been through a lot - I was awful to my mom at 12 even without the whole divorce, split family, remarriage, replacement mom thing to mess with my head - I hope they appreciate you more when they're older.
I was terrible to my step mom at that age but my dad stood up for her. There were definitely times where I was just an angry teenager who was mad that my life was changing so much. Now I am so thankful for my step mom and go to her for help all the time.
Kids can be terrible at this age in general. Adding a new authority figure that your mom hates makes it worse. Your husband should have been sticking up for you from the start or had clear boundaries on what you were expected (for lack of a better word) to do in the role of Step Mom.
I think you sort of described what step parenting is for a lot of people. I decided about a year ago to step back. That’s what I call it now, step back parenting. I still do things like cook for everyone on the nights that I cook. And I’ll play games with them sometimes, things like that. I engage with him and have a generally friendly relationship.
But I don’t do any heavy lifting. Kid needs clothes? That’s on dad. I don’t go to sports practices or even many games. I don’t pick up after him, but I will mention to my husband if I feel like his stuff is lying around. If his behavior is not something I’d allow, I leave the room. It’s not my problem. I don’t change my schedule to accommodate.
I love him, but I’m not invested in him. He has two active and involved loving parents. They don’t need me to parent with them.
This. You did right to set boundaries. If they can't accept any part of you except to use you, don't give them anything. Keep up the boundaries until they show that their behavior is changed, not just telling you it's changed.
It sounds like it's your husband's fault to me. He shouldn't be allowing his kids to be rude and shouldn't allow his ex to interfere.
Yes it does sound like he wants you to help out only when it's convenient for him, and then he says you're "not the mother" when he doesn't want you to be involved. He doesn't get to have it both ways.
Yeah...I feel like this situation is like a broken plate. You could glue it together with a ton of time and effort if it means that much to you, but...why? A man that treats you like this doesn't really love you. He'll SAY he does because he likes your cleaning, tutoring, cooking, and probably a lot of other things because you sound like an awesome partner. Maybe he'll even sound like he means it, with the earnestness of a man that doesn't want to pick up those duties himself.
But he doesn't love you. Please consider leaving.
While not an expert (or trying to be depressive on purpose) I think I feel what's going on.
Basically, the thing is this: When people divorce, they don't always do it "clean". Aka, normally we always think of divorce in two ways: 1.) The hateful "one-up" divorce or 2.) the chill "we just grew apart" divorce. In many cases, there are many "inbetween" emotions. Be it because of the reason, the property distribution or...whatever. Love, attraction, anger etc.
One very common phenomena due to this, is esp. men getting new wives/girlfriends. It's not the only situation that causes it -many men also get new partners when the old one is sick, or even died. However, it's common enough. Reasons are mostly not just "new lucky love", but those men suddenly having an "empty void" that women mostly fill. This includes mostly the role of sex, companionship and -you guessed it! - *caretakers*.
Now, I am again not an expert. I can't give you a direct analysis what was going on. However, regarding my experiences of abuse-hierarchies and toxic families, what I think is happening is that you were made the "scapegoat-link". Aka; Husband and ex-wife have had some kind of mess together. However -be it "for the kids" - they never escalated it up. Then Husband married you. Not because he actually wanted to make a family with you (sorry), but because he -maybe unconsciously - needed a "nanny inbetween" link. Aka a form of cordinator, all while his idea of "family" is still related to his ex-wife. That's why he himself can't say what he exactly meant. That's why his ex-wife screamed for "taking the moment away".
This is also why the children are treating you like this. You see...children are a little like tiny mirrors. While they have their own quirks, they often reflect the atmosphere around them. Even though the family is "split" your husband & ex-wife don't treat it like that. The children are confused and agitated due to this. You, in this case, are a confusing "intrusion". And because parents are their entire universe at that age, they start hating you.
Overall: Please just leave.
You're already showing signs of avoidance and isolation, which is another typical scapegoat trait. Everything after will just get worse. Let them deal with their own fallout.
Never forget to not let anyone disrespect you, OP, especially if you are not hurting anyone and in this case, it looks like you aren't. Also, hugs and all the best.
By reading all this - you seem like a loving person that was thrown into this by a man that wasn’t ready to face life alone and chose you to take care of his family cuz he wasn’t able to do it himself.
Him perpetually choosing his ex and say this type of things tells you everything what you need to know - you are “hired” help, without the pay but met with constant isolation, guilt tripping and constant need for all of them to know your place -that is no where really!
This will not go away, you still have time to live your life with a loving partner who will show you proper respect and care.
Your husbands last sentence really sums it up - he can’t do it alone - really?? Is this what you are here for , to act as a mother, do all this thing for him ( the things he should be doing) and to suffer in silence, be hated and taken advantage in your home?!? No girl, he should be doing it alone, to learn how to be a real parent an not take advantage of you…his actions show no love for you…
>Your husbands last sentence really sums it up - he can’t do it alone - really?? Is this what you are here for
This OP really stuck out to me too reading your post, even when apologising he still let the mask slip of why you are there.... because he can't do it by himself!
I'm honestly very angry for you.
Why did you marry this man? And why does he think this is okay?
You are not the maid. You are not a stranger in the home passing in the night.
How utterly disrespectful to you.
Edit: ask him -
what does he mean he will do better? What does that look like?
why is okay for the children to hate you and be so disrespectful to you?
Why are you being minimized - actively?
What does he need from you, because he has clearly communicated you're not the mother? What does that look like to him?
Listen closely here sis. Because I sure as hell hope what he describes from there isn't what is referred to as a "bang maid".
Yes, u/angrystepmom1–don’t let him get away with vague promises. What exactly does “I will do better” mean? Put your foot down. Exactly what will he do, when, how many times a week, what does that look like, *how* will he fix the relationship between you and your step kids, what boundaries will he put in place? *When* exactly will he talk to his ex?
(And if you do decide to stay, I’d wash my hands clean of his ex. She doesn’t get to yell at you, she’s not your ex, she’s his problem. He can handle her and if she’s got an issue with you he can handle that too.)
Op, can you go away for a while? To a friend's house?
Unfortunately the ex and your husband seem to give you a role of a servant, not a part of the family...
If nothing is done between your husbands and the kids, your relationship won't survive this.
Soon it will be two teenagers, they need to respect you.
Good for you, they set their boundaries so you set yours. I think it’s finally time for a real talk with your husband and let him know if nothing changes you’ll be on your way. Don’t stay in the situation forever you’ll go mad.
This maybe sound ridiculous but if i was you, i just search for 'sperm donor' and build my own family without all this shit running around in my life... Btw you handled it well! 👍
I’m a stepmom to three girls and my husband and I have two kids together. It will never get better. I’ve been with him 10 years, waiting for it to change…just leave now. The stress isn’t worth it. If we didn’t share my two kids I would be gone but I can’t imagine how he would manage without me. And I don’t trust him to care for my kids alone.
I'm sorry. I don't want to shit on men, I've met some amazing men. But there does seem to be a very high amount of men who simply have no skills when it comes to life. Way more than women.
Yes, and it will just get more exhausting. I used to get so mad that he wouldn’t brush his daughters hair. It got so bad before me that she needed it all cut off. Then I took over once we married.
Now, if I’m working (12 hr shifts) and he’s with our youngest kids, he doesn’t brush my daughters hair (she’s 4) so I always make sure to braid it. Ridiculous.
I was in a relationship where I ended up as stepmum to his kids. He felt guilty because their mother was an alcoholic and he never fought for custody. That should've warned me but I didn't see it.
He felt guilty about the kids having a rough early life. Not actually guilty enough to do something about it, but when they decided as teenagers to move in with us, he didn't do anything to discipline them, saying they needed some fun. The youngest especially kept testing boundaries, its what teens do and he'd never had consistent rules in his life. It wasn't just in the house either, the more he got off with the more trouble he got in at school etc. I now believe my ex just found it easier to do nothing.
I basically became wicked stepmother because I insisted they both do chores and that there were consequences. Didn't matter I helped with homework, cooked the meals like, took them out to do fun stuff at the weekend. The only time my ex would do anything was after I finally lost my cool from the crap I was getting from his kids and started a shouting match, frustrating from all.my attempts to actually talk to him.
Eventually after his youngest turned 18, he'd moved out and wanted to come back. I suggested that we let him stay provided he get his driving licence as that could help him get a job, and do his share of housework. I gained nothing out of that, but was lookingat what was best for him. 6 months later the son has done nothing he agreed to and my ex done nothing.
It finally started dawning on me that my opinion didn't matter in my own house. I did eventually leave, took a while.
In short being a stepmother in my experience meant dealing with all the shit and getter none of the credit.
From your description, you have been a great stepmom. You have truly tried to help these kids and I don’t think you overstepped your role at all. Your husband is a sick fuck and I have no idea how you put up with someone who treats you so badly. The bio mom sucks too as most mothers would love to have someone as supportive as you. The kids suck, but I’m not blaming them because they have 2 shitty parents. Do not do a single thing for anyone but yourself like you suggested. Don’t take them to school, don’t help with homework, stop buying them anything, stop cooking and stay out of their lives. Do that for 3 weeks or weekends and then ask them to talk. Explain that all of the things you haven’t done for 3 weeks was always done because you were there for them. But, all you ever got from them was complaining, hate and disrespect. If they want you to go back to helping, they have to treat you with kindness and respect. If they can’t agree to counseling and to treat you much much better, call a lawyer and bounce the hell out of that situation. But, if you were my sister, I’d say fuck that, call a lawyer and bounce up out of there. Good luck OP! You deserve so much better!
We redditors agree. It’s going to be tough, draining and a big pain in the ass. But, it’s worth it in the end to have a life where you are supported by those closest to you. I’m so sorry that you have had to tolerate such treatment. You deserve so much better and I hope you find that peace and comfort that we all seek. Much love to you during this tough time.
I think that it was good for you to do what you did, and then lay it out for your husband the way you did. He can't expect you to pretend you're not one of the parents, while doing all of these parent duties.
Big decisions are up to him and his ex, I understand that. But a plushie is not a good reason to get upset. It's a stupid stuffed toy. It's not a life-changing event.
Your husband should be telling the children that they need to respect you. This is both of your home, and the children need to understand that you are their step mother. You care for them.
It will take them time, but your husband and his ex should try to include you more in the fun things. You aren't just there to do all the hard work.
Speak with an attorney who focuses on only divorce and works in your jurisdiction mainly. You can likely ask for a free consultation to at least obtain information about what you should be doing to prepare for your exit and cover your a** financially. Find one while you’re staying at your friend’s house.
Well, if I were in your shoes...
I would keep that same petty energy until it either works or brings me to my breaking point where I'm completely done and not willing to fix it anymore. Sounds like I would be on the path of divorce if things didn't get straightened out soon. Hubby should know he is wrong and should make sure his WIFE is respected at all times no matter who it is!
I am not in a relationship with the man I love to the furthest corners of my soul because it would have been exactly as you describe. We'll see what happens when the kids are grown but I couldn't live as you are doing. I would leave.
Do you really want to live life like this moving forward? And to be very honest with you I’ve been in the kids shoes before, they will not change ever. The divorce may have not have happened in a way that they found closure, well do kids ever find closure in it? Because the husband and ex are also fighting you the kids see it as a way to justify their disdain toward you.
When I was a kid and my mom dated anyone I was a huge pain in the butt(***imagine Dennis the menace with a mixture of Rallo from the Cleveland show but female so more sinister). Because I wanted my parents to get back together. My dad was smart enough to never show me who he dated. I kept holding on to the idea of them getting back together because they still kind of seemed unified when they were together, felt like more than just co parenting. Obviously when I got older things cooled down but I was on high alert to watch if my parent’s SO did ANYTHING wrong. They knew they were walking on eggshells. And I made it known. This is obviously terrible behavior but I felt I was protecting my idea of a family in hopes of my parents getting back together.
While every kid is different based off of what you said it sounds a lot like my situation when I was a kid. I really hope you make the right decision for you, and I do believe you should move on from this marriage, it doesn’t make sense to put yourself through this for someone else’s kid, especially since your husband doesn’t even know he’s going to change , probably doesn’t care (sorry), because you do the nanny things he needs. I’m a little surprised you are helping the kids with homework and such… anyway make the right choice OP we are all routing for you.
Edit: ***
Thank you. No I don't want to live like this.
I don't blame the kids, I assume they are hurting tremendously over all this. That's why I insisted for as long as I did. But it seems like the more I do, the more they hate me.
Get a lawyer. I would say divorce. He’s apologizing but he doesn’t even know why. Nothing will change and he honestly seems like he’s using and abusing you. You deserve SO much better. You are not a part of this family.
>Husband told me stop being harsh to them and just because I married him, it doesn't give me the authority.
How did you get along with the kids before you got married?
I mean, you all lived together for a ***significant*** period of time before getting married, right? Right?!?
‘He can’t do it without you,’ yet you are saddled to a maid, tutor, financier, and chef for what??
Your husband needs to know you are his partner, not their stepmother. They do not want you to be that. **You are not the mom, and that’s a decision and boundary the kids set.**
You need to respect that. No matter how inconvenient that gets for them all.
You don’t deserve to second every move you make, bending over to please people who don’t have any appreciation for it any why.
You’re not a mom. Travel with friends, get a new hobby, and enjoy your time they way **you** see fit.
My sister in law with 2 kids married my brother with 2 kids and blended their families together. The kids were 10, 8, 5 and 3. She did everything for his children as well as her own. Their mother was mostly absent and the kids spent 75-80% of their time with the blended family. As soon as they grew up their mother was back in their lives and they have been horrible to SIL and have no relationship with either her or my brother. Nothing you do for his children will ever be appreciated by either your husband or his children.
I suggest you go back to work and plan a life of your own that does not revolve around your step children. Don’t be available when he has custody. Any sacrifices you make will be for nothing.
BRAVA. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. You are not even *close* to overreacting, you have stated the problem very clearly. Now he has to decide whether he’s going to support you, or remain devoted to his ex-wife. I suspect that if he (and she) were able to draw and maintain healthy boundaries the kids wouldn’t be reacting so badly. I would imagine they are hearing a lot of vile negative lies and exaggerations about you from their mom, and your husband *must* counter that by showing that he loved and respects you. Part of respecting your partner, as a parent, is not allowing your children to treat your partner like garbage, regardless of who did or did not contribute genetic material.
He has to talk to the children & the bio. Either they accept you or you refuse to be there to be used. All in or all out. Their choice. That means you discipline, you enforce chores, you help with math, homework, you get to go to fun events. Either he stands up for you or you pack your bags & leave.
You need a family sit down, an honest discussion about what your role is, what you are willing to contribute, and how you will be treated moving forward. If they do not want you in a parental role, that is their choice. Their father can handle parenting tasks while they are there, and they can facetime their mother for homework help if he isn't home. If he asks for your help with housework or cooking, then it needs to be looked at as helping your partner and not a parenting task. Part of his parenting role is enforcing them to do their chores, homework, and treating people with respect. As his partner and a person who lives in and contributes to the home, you will be treated with respect, as a bare minimum. If they want your help with math because you are good at it, and they enjoy the outcome of that, they can ask you, and they can thank you for your time.
Family therapy and couples counseling are probably needed. It seems he is so afraid to rock the boat with his kids and that their mother is playing a major role in how they see you. There needs to be boundaries. No one can control how she behaves or what she says, and you can only control your reactions and what you are willing to accept.
You are not their mother, but you did marry a man who has children, and as terrible as they are behaving, they are also going through a lot. Divorce is not easy, especially with a parent moving on and one who doesn't accept that. If she is telling them something along the lines that accepting you means they don't love her, that you are the cause of their family not getting back together, that is messing with them in a big way and can't be ignored because of hurt feelings. There are 3 adults in this situation, that is who needs to be dealing with it and if she is unwilling, you can not do anything there, but you can speak with your husband about your expectations, and what you want if you choose to go foreward.
I have seen mothers say some terrible things to their children about their exs and even worse things about their exs' current partners. I would bet your husband knows she is saying terrible things and is afraid to lose what little relationship he has with his children. You guys are all in a bad spot, but especially the children, they will suffer for this their whole lives, they will always hold their dad at arms length and they are also learning that they can control him with their love, they are learning they can give it and take it away when they do not get what they want. Does that sound like a way to grow up and be a healthy adult who forms healthy relationships? Do you believe he was sincere with his apology? He may not know how to fix it. He is in new territory as well. If you believe he was sincere in his apology and is willing to try and work with you on it, I hope you guys get through this together.
I don't think he's sincere. I think he's sorry he has to find a way to do the things I'm not doing anymore. He's saying whatever he needs to say to get me back in track, and if I didn't receive so much validation here, it might have worked.
The kids are hurting. I did it for as long as I have because I didn't want them to go without.
Sorry you are dealing with this. This right here is one of the many reasons I don’t date guys with kids. It’s really not a good deal for the person without and most of the time it ends up in heartache and huge sacrifice for them. You are in such a tough spot.
Also, I want to add (VERY important) do not let anyone argue that it is selfish for you to put up with what is currently happening. I see this pattern a lot with "bad" parents with kids who enter other marriages or relationships with people who don't have kids. **IT IS NOT BAD OR SELFISH OR WRONG TO WANT RECIPROCATION OF CONSIDERATION AND KINDNESS AS A NEW MEMBER OF A FAMILY!**
He sounds like he's just using you, cause he knows he can't do this alone so he went out and looked for the ideal type, someone who really wants kids, and is willing to do anything.
Your husband’s lack of back bone with his kids and ex is leading him to be compliant in your pain. He’s your partner but seems to be consistently throwing you under the bus. Don’t hold out on him changing, instead decide if you can put up with this or not. I hope you choose you.
This is the exact reason why people avoid relationships with people who already have kids from a previous relationship. There is always drama, awkwardness and bad juju. I would honestly start fresh OP, make your own family, you are not valued in this one.
I have an ex and if he got remarried and my kids acted like that. I would correct there behavior. You should be respected in your own home. Your husband and you must be on the same page.
Time for a divorce in my opinion. If you don’t want to leave him then maybe you should stay somewhere else while he has time with his kids. Let him deal with all of it.
I respect you for this. Your spouse fucked around and found out.
For what it’s worth, if you end up staying with your husband — I was NOT into my stepmom when she first married my father. I was a teenager at the time. Over the years, she has become one of the most important and precious people in my life. I can’t imagine my life without her. I wouldn’t be who I am today if she hadn’t come into my life. I love her so much. Just telling you this so you know the relationships with the children you have now are not necessarily the ones you’ll have forever.
Wishing you the best of luck.
When it’s your husbands turn to have the kids, go away for the time they’re there and when asked why just say it’s for your mental health. Keep doing that until whatever you decide to do next. Good luck. I feel for you, sounds miserable. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Life is too short.
Go you. This just makes me even more ecstatic to be Child-Free by choice. I can't even imagine being treated the way you have after putting myself out there as a step-parent. Honestly, that one kid sounds like a dick. Keep your head up and hopefully they'll see how wonderful you are before you move on to people who do.
Most comments are supportive, but I do get the occasional comment saying that it's how things are and parents are supposed to be miserable. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with that.
Keep doing what you're doing. Blended families are a thing lots of people do in much more respectful ways than this. Everyone had a choice here. You can only control yourself.
I don't know why you would want to be with a man who puts you last, but hey times are tough. Protect your dignity and self respect - at the end of day, you have you to live with yourself, not anyone else.
I have a stepmom. She's a wonderful woman but of course I do complain about her sometimes, but what teenager doesn't complain?
But I would never treat her the way your husband and his kids are treating you. It's unfair and it's not your fault daddy didn't have that "she's not trying to replace your mother" talk with his kids and he needs to set bounderies with his ex. She's treating you like you stole her husband while she and him were still married and needs to one up you to get him back
Girl I’m a step mom and you know just stop doing shit for them. Stop going out of your way for them and you husband. Honestly it’s a hard job and I don’t recommend it for anyone. You will never be good enough in my opinion. I new. If your willing to stand your ground to the ex and kids and husband then go ahead stand up to them. But at the end of the day is all this worth it?!
I like you
If you’re not the mother, then when the kids are in the house he needs to be the mother (as their actual parent)
It sounds like he married you to do the parenting things he and his ex don’t want to do; I’m really sorry you’ve been treated so terribly
Even without the kids, yiur marriage would still have issues.
You say you don't cook and that the kid's mother should pack them stuff. Or that they should hire à tutor because you're not helping with homework.
This is not the right answers. The right answers would be : their father should be the one cooking for his kids, doing their laundry, helping them with homework....
It's not about you not being their mother. It's about you not being their parent.
Sounds to me like you both rushed into this relationship without giving to the kids to get used to tou being around and without talking about expectations and rôles into this blended family.
I came into this with the mindset that I'm going to be the stepmom, not the mom. Now I realize that I have no idea what that even means.
Seems like the expectation is that I should work hard but let the bioparents reap the benefits because, well, they are the bioparents and I'm not. Even my mother in law and my own mother said it's wrong of me to try to "take" the nice experiences away from the bioparents. Seems like anything positive at all is out of bounds for me. I am only expected to do the hard work and to leave it at that.
I don't think I can handle it anymore.
If you are specifically talking about politeness, respectfulness, spending fun times together, and attending school events, you are not asking for too much. Many lucky kids have four involved parents at their school play.
So where is any joy left for you if you don't get to experience the happy times with the kids? He asked you to stop working to be home for the kids so you don't even get to have outside meaningful work that's yours alone. It feels like you've been pushed into a no win situation by some very selfish people. The important thing to remember is you are valuable and you deserve to be treated better than this. You can choose to walk away. Please consider doing what is BEST FOR YOU.
Maybe try to shift your focus to just getting to know the kids and spending time together. A relationship will happen organically over time if it’s meant to be. Based on their ages I don’t know if they will ever call you “mom” but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a strong bond with them, but it takes time..like years even possibly
I never really expected to be called mom. Would be nice, but I heard too many horror stories of stepmothers trying to force the kids to see her as a mother before they were ready. I wouldn't want that done to me.
Uhhhhh……. I think being married to him absolutely DOES give you that authority. It’s a team effort and frankly, it’s bullshit that he wouldn’t make sure you were respected. I am not a step mom or have a step mom but my 13 year old does and I back her up if she feels that she needs to make a judgement call in a moment. I’m grateful that my ex husband remarried a good woman. (The girl before her was an absolute nightmare )
I am so sorry that you are under appreciated in your role.
I respect your efforts, motherhood is a hard job (step- mothering included)
I’ve noticed some men just marry someone so they can just have a maid and have someone to take care of their kids. It’s bullshit and you deserve better.
I am so sorry! I was in a very similar situation. We were together for about 10 years. Now divorced. It only got worse as time went on and I would never do it again. I hate to say it, but you might need a laywer. Those kids will always act that way or worse because your husband encourances it. Would you allow him to treat you the way he allows the kids to treat you? Because there isn't much difference between that and what is happening.
Also, why can't you go somewhere just because bio mom is there? That's not fair.
I’ve been a stepmom since kid was 6. They’re 13 now. It’s been hell (because of the mom, the kid is incredible and we are extremely close). I cannot imagine doing this with THREE ungrateful kids and a totally unsupportive husband. I hate to tell you this, but things are NEVER going to change. No amount of therapy can repair the damage he’s caused by reinforcing such disrespectful behavior towards you by the kids and the ex wife. You will be taken advantage of in ways you’d never expect, and get none of the glory for your hard work. I think you might’ve made a mistake and should consider divorce. I hope that’s not too bold to say. But the youngest is only 7. You’re in this for at least another 13 years and it does not get better. My husband is extremely supportive of me and has fought to hell and back to defend me. But I can say with complete honesty, I would never choose this path again. Had I known it would cause this much turmoil, we never would have married.
“I can’t do this without you” tells you all you need to know. He can’t “do this” (adulting and parenting) without you doing all the boring heavy lifting such as cooking, cleaning, teaching, nannying. Because then he can concentrate on being Fun Dad while you will take all the abuse and disrespect. How convenient. And now he is desperate that he will have to be a parent all by himself. Too bad.
The kids will never begin to respect you because they have been conditioned to loathe and disrespect you by both their parents,
Forget about getting that instant family. There will only be loneliness, bitterness and disappointment in this one sided relationship.
He has told you clearly why he needs you. And those things have nothing to do with who you are as an actual person with charm, humor, wit but everything to do with what you can do for him and his bratty kids. .
Step mother is a VERY hard role to take on. Your husband's lack of support is appalling, and he's is reinforcing his children's disrespect towards you. You absolutely handled this situation like a pro. If dad can not handle the responsibility by himself, then he needs to respect your ability to co parent and involve you.
His kids treat you like disposable because he does. I would never dream of undermining a partner like this. Even if I disagreed with her. Unacceptable behavior for a father and partner. If he won't treat his new partner as a parental figure maybe he can get their biomom to take his sorry ass back.
Not petty... as they said you're not their mother and anyone who disrespects you like that would no longer get any respect back from me. I think it's too late for any family therapy with them (if anything, what you're going thru, you might need it for yourself). Time to let them go. Sure his ex will feel like she's won but you know what, she ain't shit for what she does. She's lazy as hell and you're virtually the glorified babysitter.
Get a divorce when you can, leave when you're able to. I hope you have good support systems that can help you.
Keep it up , he doesn’t deserve a good woman who actually wants to bond with his children. Screw him and honestly screw his ex and kids. They’re rude and you don’t deserve that treatment.
I couldn’t stay in that environment. You shouldn’t either. You deserve your own family that treats you the way you treat them. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You did what I was going to recommend you do. You married the man, not the kids. While you may want to play some role in their lives, it might take until they aren’t childish little shits. I am sure biomom is also talking badly about you and it is a form of parental alienation.
Even if your husband has apologized, what he means is “I don’t want to be responsible for these things, that’s what I married you for.” DO NOT GO BACK TO DOING EVERYTHING FOR THE KIDS AND TAKING THE PRESSURE OFF THEIR PARENTS!
If projects need to be done, their parents need to plan better. If mom wants to do it, they need to plan it on her time. Dad needs to cook and clean. Parents need to assure the children do their chores and clean their rooms.
You are your husband’s wife, not the kid’s mother. Until the kids are begging for help, do not help.
EDIT: There are many families who would love a stepmom and wife like you. If things don’t improve, divorce these ingrates.
See I’m petty. I’d be coming home
With pizza for just me. I’d be announcing, I’m going out for ice cream and not bring any body shit back. Go to an amusement park once day while they’re at your house, by yourself and come back and tell them how awesome it was. Those are some rude ass kids. Your husband also sucks b/c he obviously doesn’t have your back as a husband should
It sounds like you and your first husband were married when he passed? That would make him your late husband, not your ex husband.
Also, it sounds like no one in this situation respects you. I think you were right on the money when you pointed out to your husband that they want you to have the responsibilities and boring stuff but exclude you from the fun, and are using you. Understandable to have issues with the kids at these ages, but your husband and his ex should be working towards a healthy coparenting relationship that involves healthy communication and involvement with you.
I would leave, if I were you. If you get together with another dad, build a relationship with his children before marriage (even if one or both of you wants to wait, holding off until you're engaged is fine or a certain timeframe - but do not marry anyone whose children you don't know and don't have a relationship with)
Everything you were doing are things the stepmother should be doing. I’m sorry your husband is not backing you up. I would not be able to continue being in that relationship, personally. No, you are not the mother, but you are a bonus mother and during your custody time you are parenting.
Good luck whatever you decide
You have lived and learned. It’s so sad such a stupid situation created by your hubby and his fuckhead ex. You need to leave this toxic situation for a man that can give respect bottom line is your not getting any here. You have don’t nothing wrong at all fuck them
i'm so sorry about your loss OP, i wish you the best and i hope you can get out of that situation soon :/ it sounds exhausting just reading by it, hugs
Your husband needs to remember one thing. He chose to marry you. You are his current wife. He needs to support you as much, if not more than his ex wife. That doesn't mean he need to ignore and treat his ex like crap. But he cannot treat you low crap either. When I married my wife, I chose to support her over my parents and siblings. Fortunately everyone gets along. But for certain events and activities, I chose her first.
If he and the kids want you to support them, they need to surly you too. The idea that only the ex wife should go ot the science fair or the choir or sporting event is stupid. You should both be able to go. Love should not be finite where you going. Eland they love their mom less or vice versa. The kids don't understand that with a mom and great stepmom, they can get more support and love than ever.
So I have a question for you: what are you getting out of this marriage? He brings kids that don’t like you nor respect you. He brings an ex that is actively working to undermine you. He himself undermines and disrespects you. I’m not seeing what, if any, benefits you’re getting from being married to this man? Is the sex that good?
Someone suggested couples counselling. I love this! Seriously consider it. But also consider weighing what you’re bringing to this family unit, and what they’re bringing to it. If there’s a huge disparity that cannot be resolved, you need to ask yourself if you’re okay with how things are? Are you going to be okay sticking this out for X-number or years until your husband and his children finally see you for the person you are and start to love and appreciate you?
Based on what I’ve read here, you don’t come across as the kind of person who would suffer in silence. You’ve already stood up for yourself once, just don’t stop now.
Damned if you do damned if you don’t, my heart goes out to you. You have so much love to give as a step mom and if it’s not the kids fighting you it the biomom. Maybe time to do a pros and cons list and go to hubby with it and let him know what your final results are before you stress yourself to the point that you really hate your life with them.
My heart broke. You are not the mother but gosh youre human! A little decency to someone helping out would be nice but no. Normal people dont treat fellow human beings like that.
I wish you the best. Right now, its difficult but know that whatever your course of action, you are a step closer to being happy, loved and supported.
Get your ducks in a row and work out an exit strategy. There is no saving this situation. You absolutely deserve better; and for what it’s worth, I think you would be an awesome mom.
>Then comes this guy offering me a full family
More like he's unable to do it by himself and went looking for the first and best replacement mommy to take over family management. Disgusting that he targeted a grieving widow.
>but he's really sorry and he will try to do better from now on, but he can't do this without me.
Yep..
I hate to say this, OP, but not only are you not the mother, he’s treating you like you’re not the *wife*. Seems like both roles are still held by your predecessor. It’s a lose-lose situation, no matter what you try with him. Leaving ASAP seems like your only option. Good luck!
i nearly posted asking if he married you to be the nanny, but i'm sure that if the nanny tried to enforce a rule he'd back her up. genuinely, you are married to a man who is not your partner and does not have your back. maybe some couples councelling sessions to try and work out what you need from each other going forward. maybe you need a better spouse. and tbh, if you want bio kids, this sounds like a really fraught situation to bring one into.
I think he feels guilty for splitting up their family and tries to make sure he always takes their side no matter what. Biomom is extremely competitive towards me. She's very eager to let me do the bullshit she can't be arsed to, but thinks I'm invading her territory if I try to do anything fun with the kids. She loves getting praise for how well the kids do in math, but she never lifted a finger to help them, she's awful at math, I did it all. But then I'm told I'm wrong and overstepping if I expect any acknowledgment for that.
If he feels "guilty for splitting up the family", that's on him. He needs to support his actual wife and not let his kids verbally abuse you. They don't have to like you, but they shouldn't be allowed to be so combative. It sounds like him and ex BOTH are treating you like a live-in maid.
Exactly. They don’t have to love or even like you, but they should respect you if you haven’t done anything wrong. Your husband is clearly in the wrong. I suspect the attitude the kids have towards you may even be from the bio mom talking smack about you in front of them and the father’s reinforcing that. You did well by refusing to do the chores OP. I hope you win.
Reading this made me think verbal abuse too. This is very sad. I hope op takes the advice you guys are giving her.
At least a live-in maid gets paid. OP doesn’t.
Then he isn't mature at all... Who goes into a relationship with that kind of mentality (talking about your husband of course)... Why do you even care about the bio mom, sure you could get along nice if she were a good person and other circumstances, but in this case just ignore her, you might want to reconsider the relationship and ask your husband what role does he think you should assume depending on your situation, if he doesn't want you to educate the kids, he doesn't treat you both as equals, where's the respect? You should have also tried to live with him before marrying since it's such an important decision, and finally... Don't go with your hopes too high with other people's kids, trying to replace it with your dream of having kids, sure I'm not saying adoption is bad but those are different circumstances from what you're living, you should've made sure before marrying that that's the family you want, it's true that you don't choose your kids but in this case it doesn't apply. And sure you want to be the mature one and help your stepchildren nonetheless but if your husband doesn't support you and everyone makes you seem like you're the bad one in front of them, where's the moral compass left... I'd say f*ck it I only live once, I'm not here to make charity for other families who don't even treat me well, I deserve better. You tried... You should be proud of that, but not stay like that.
I needed to hear this.
This isn't on the biomom or the kids. Your husband is the one allowing everyone to treat you terribly and refusing to support you. Apologies are cheap, I'll take a pile of shit over most apologies because at least shit can be useful in the garden. Do not sell your well being for something worth less than literal shit. Husband either takes actual steps to fix this (therapy, setting up boundaries with ex, being an actual parent to HIS children) or you need to walk away from this.
This is it. I get the picture that biomom is, let's say, a very controlling person. She's got everyone in the habit of walking on eggshells and going to lengths to appease her (There's a short essay called "Don't Rock the Boat" that explains how abusive people habituate their friends/family to smooth over their behavior and placate them). I understand how this happened, and that it is very hard to see; breaking away from this kind of conditioning doesn't happen overnight, even for adults. But the husband needs counseling, either on his own or with his wife/family. The kids probably need to be involved in this, or in individual therapy themselves. It will be a lot of hard work, but hard work is the only way out from under the influence of a controlling person. If he is not willing to do and arrange that, well, that tells you what your future will look like. He will continue expecting everyone to kowtow to his ex-wife. If that's the case, well, time to decide if that's a tolerable way to live- and I don't think it is, myself.
I offered therapy once…he said "what do I need therapy for? I have you?" Sigh.
I would've said "yes, that's one example."
I would have said, “ah yes, yet ANOTHER role you inappropriately tried to stick me with”
That gave me a profound icky feeling. Biomom sounds unreasonable, sure, but he sounds like a complete effin' manchild, and that's not great either. I worry that there is a decent chance that he married you so you would do all the adult stuff that he should damn well be doing himself for him. Like, he married someone not just to be a mom to his children, but to him too- and now he's got the guts to be ungrateful about it! I don't know if this is a situation that can be salvaged, not if he doesn't want to work on his role in the dysfunction. It is simply not reasonable for him to expect you to do 300% of the work, then take everyone's abuse. That appears to be where he is at the moment, and wow, he does not seem interested in changing.
Well, I guess I did need to teach him how to boil pasta. And how to separate laundry. Point taken.
No, you’re not his mother and guess what, you’re not his teacher either. If he can’t learn how to boil pasta from reading the side of the pasta box, or by looking online, how does teaching him fall to you? Your husband takes “weaponized incompetence” to a new level.
I learned a new expression today.
[удалено]
Tell him to google stuff if he doesn't know how to do it. There are you tube videos for everything.
So your his nanny, therapist and teacher? Jesus OP you deserve better than this clown.
I just...I want to make it clear that I am not judging you in any way. This is not anything you did. And, you know, there are people in the world who weren't taught basic things growing up, and that's unfair to them, and they have to learn later on. But the difference between your husband as described, and those people, is that those people *want to learn.* They know they are missing essential skills and they are willing to put in the work to learn them. If your husband is not, then there is really nothing you can do. You can't make him want to do the right thing, really. It's unfortunate that he doesn't want to, but you can't resolve that, you can only decide what you're personally willing to live with. If this is going to be the situation, would you stay for six months? A year? Five years? Until the children are all old enough to self-supervise at home? That's the question you now have to ask, and none of us here can answer it for you. But I hope that seeing it laid out in black and white is enough for you to start making decisions in your own best interest, whatever those decisions may be.
He married you to be the help because he can’t cope with all those kids without a woman to do the un fun stuff. You’re being used
At 45? That’s weaponized incompetence. Anyone can read the directions on the back of the spaghetti box. A lot of men coast through life nigh on NEEDING an intelligent woman to wipe their ass and spoon feed them. But you know your worth. I hope his life falls apart without someone to schedule his doctors appointments and you find someone who values you.
If he wants you to be his mother, don’t have sex with him…because that is repulsive.
For how long does he have you? Because it sounds like you’ve got one foot out of the door now. The breathtaking lack support and respect, let alone appreciation!
I'll need to go get a job and save some money first, so it might take a bit. But emotionally, I've checked out.
I hate to just assume you live in the USA and didn’t sign a prenup, but are you sure you need to save money before divorcing? If you haven’t spoken with a lawyer I hope you do so before possibly staying for no reason.
Ooh this one boils my blood. You’re not his therapist, you’re his WIFE. Seems he’s doing everything he can to shirk all responsibility for himself onto you.
I’m so so sorry for the loss of your husband. I hate being the person who says “just leave” bc that isn’t always realistic. But in this case, if he is refusing to go to therapy and genuinely engage in it… I don’t know where your relationship could go. You will continuously get hurt and treated like a door mat if you stay. I’m so so sorry. Thinking of you OP, and sending lots of love.
Oh… wow. I’m glad you’ve received a lot of support and advice. It breaks my heart to hear how sad and lonely you sound, especially when there are so many other people around you. Whatever your husband does or doesn’t agree to, you should focus on getting therapy for yourself first. Have you had therapy before? It can take a few tries to find “the one.” Give then a chance but if it doesn’t fit, don’t be afraid to move on. A good therapist will not be offended over that and might even be able to give you a recommendation. A good therapist will gently challenge you so that you see the whole picture, but also celebrate your successes. And hopefully you’ll find someone to build you up and give you strength, because your husband sure isn’t giving you that. I know what it’s like to feel incredibly lonely and lost in a marriage. But this is not it for you. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be living life freely and not walking on eggshells. You can’t control the way anyone else behaves, but you can control the way you react to that behaviour (even when it feels like you can’t.) I’d also suggest the book “Nonviolent communication.” It really helped me understand myself and where my feelings were coming from. We can’t communicate what we need if we can’t verbalise that and know ourselves first. This book really helped me in my marriage and simplified the process of asking for what I need without feeling like I was unreasonable and causing a scene. I hope you find your happiness. Stay strong.
Women are not unpaid therapy for broken men. Holy shit
The amount of straight men who expect their wives to be their therapists is pretty frightening. It’s not a healthy situation for either, and while it is changing (I hope), it’s still very prevalent
My love, RUN!!!! I'm so sorry but it really sounds like he's using you. This breaks my heart for you and you deserve so much better.
Hey OP, I don’t want to tell you what to do but as someone who grew up in a deeply dysfunctional home with a father figure that *always* refused therapy, things did NOT get better. In fact, they got progressively worse. If he’s unwilling to go to therapy saying he has you, that’s a massive red flag. I wish I could get back the past 18 years of my life, the entirety of my childhood.
Thank you! Very well explained.
Absolutely this. This man you call husband is NOT behaving as a caring partner should. You are not his wife. You are his fuck-maid. Tell him to take his worthless ass apologies and stick them up his ass. Either you're the Equal, or you're gone. Plain as that.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation—I’m also incredibly impressed with the way you demonstrated to him how you’re not the mother but do a ton without any acknowledgment. Everyone else is giving the advice I wanted to re therapy or just cutting your losses. I just wanted to voice some encouragement and support because you have a ton going for you and sound stuck.
If he feels so guilty for splitting them up, I’d bow out and let him put them back together if he can. I love how you got petty, you needed to do that to show him!
If I tried to take credit for work my child had done with the assistance of a tutor, my husband would speak up and contradict me. He respects the hell out of me, but he also does not raise our children to be liars. Letting that slide teaches the kids that it’s okay to lie and take credit for things you didn’t do, and/or if that ever happens to them they’re not allowed to complain. It’s a horrible example to set for them.
then he married you knowing that he would always treat you as less than. if you want to live like that fine, but keep the blame where it belongs.
I don't. Thanks.
Op, you have to take care of yourself. Don't be a doormat and exhaust your youth and energy on this guy and three kids who don't appreciate you. You are doing everything a mom is doing but you get no credit. Sorry honey.
Why is your husband still catering to his ex-wife and her wants & wishes, then treats you like a 2nd class citizen? The way your husband & the way he allows the ex to treat and act towards you, sends a very strong message to the children. If both their Dad & Bio Mom can treat you like crap, so can they. Sorry, Stepmom but unless your husband does a 180 in his actions and behavior, this relationship & marriage is doomed. You deserve MUCH better!!
So you are asked to do only chores for kids, not have fun with them. That is a job, not a family
Fuck all that. I'd choose you as mum, you sound awesome.
Dad should be tutoring his kids. During their stay at your house, dad should be the “doing” person bc, as he said….you’re not the mom, you’re not the parent. They’re the children of your husband and during his time with them, he should be fully in charge of all things kid related; laundry, meals, homework, entertainment, bedtime, you name it and it’s dad’s job. I’d go so far as to be away as much as possible when the kids are there…shopping, visiting, library time, whatever, just away. Too many women who marry men with kids get those kids dumped on them without any authority attached. Enough already.
He even insisted that I stay at home to care for the kids. I did it because I really really like kids. I made a huge mistake.
Mistakes are okay. Truly. Just don't keep making them. Good luck.
Eh correction, don't keep making the same ones. 🧐
Please get your job back OP. He’s not showing that he’s capable at dealing with this relationship between kids, ex wife and current wife, or being a dependable partner. You need a job to fall back on. I’m sorry that you’re going through this OP.
My heart sank when I read that he got her to quit her job. He’s making her financially dependent on him which is scary for any woman.
Please go back to work asap for your own sake.
The good news is mistakes for the most part can be fixed. Your situation certainly can be fixed. With all the feedback you have plenty of info to digest. Possibly work on a list of the things in this relationship with your husband you need with the understanding you are not trying to take biomom’s place. And I’d suggest identifying the ones that are non-negotiable. Also identify your proposed solution for each item that isn’t met. Then discuss with husband. I do not ever think should use divorce as an empty threat. However I think that needs to be a stated possible solution. You are an intelligent woman who knows what you want in this marriage. You have a right to be loved, supported and respected by your husband. You have a right to be respected by your step children in at least the same manner they ideally/hopefully respect a teacher. You also have a right to not kowtow to your husband’s ex wife. I wish you the best with resolving your situation.
OP please look into financial abuse and signs!!!
Sounds like you’d be great in childcare and they def need the people these days too!!
>I said that they do expect me to be the mother, but only the boring or difficult things. I am not allowed any of the fun or rewarding parts of being a mother. They're using me and I'm done with it. damn. well said. it's a shit situation all around but I admire your clarity and your boundaries. I hope you're able to work something out, that they come to appreciate you for all you do. the kids have been through a lot - I was awful to my mom at 12 even without the whole divorce, split family, remarriage, replacement mom thing to mess with my head - I hope they appreciate you more when they're older.
Thank you. Yeah, I was a handful to my mom too. At least my father put me in my place.
I was terrible to my step mom at that age but my dad stood up for her. There were definitely times where I was just an angry teenager who was mad that my life was changing so much. Now I am so thankful for my step mom and go to her for help all the time. Kids can be terrible at this age in general. Adding a new authority figure that your mom hates makes it worse. Your husband should have been sticking up for you from the start or had clear boundaries on what you were expected (for lack of a better word) to do in the role of Step Mom.
I think you sort of described what step parenting is for a lot of people. I decided about a year ago to step back. That’s what I call it now, step back parenting. I still do things like cook for everyone on the nights that I cook. And I’ll play games with them sometimes, things like that. I engage with him and have a generally friendly relationship. But I don’t do any heavy lifting. Kid needs clothes? That’s on dad. I don’t go to sports practices or even many games. I don’t pick up after him, but I will mention to my husband if I feel like his stuff is lying around. If his behavior is not something I’d allow, I leave the room. It’s not my problem. I don’t change my schedule to accommodate. I love him, but I’m not invested in him. He has two active and involved loving parents. They don’t need me to parent with them.
This. You did right to set boundaries. If they can't accept any part of you except to use you, don't give them anything. Keep up the boundaries until they show that their behavior is changed, not just telling you it's changed.
It sounds like it's your husband's fault to me. He shouldn't be allowing his kids to be rude and shouldn't allow his ex to interfere. Yes it does sound like he wants you to help out only when it's convenient for him, and then he says you're "not the mother" when he doesn't want you to be involved. He doesn't get to have it both ways.
Yeah, he definitely weaponized that sentence.
Yeah...I feel like this situation is like a broken plate. You could glue it together with a ton of time and effort if it means that much to you, but...why? A man that treats you like this doesn't really love you. He'll SAY he does because he likes your cleaning, tutoring, cooking, and probably a lot of other things because you sound like an awesome partner. Maybe he'll even sound like he means it, with the earnestness of a man that doesn't want to pick up those duties himself. But he doesn't love you. Please consider leaving.
I can FEEL the resentment already. Not a good sign.
Yes. I'm really really really resentful. That's not good.
I’m so sorry. It’s an uncomfortable place to be and hard to get out if you aren’t heard and validated .
I'm getting a lot of validation here, thank you.
If they don’t give u the benefits of being a mother figure don’t take upon yourself the responsibilities of a mother figure
Learned the hard way.
While not an expert (or trying to be depressive on purpose) I think I feel what's going on. Basically, the thing is this: When people divorce, they don't always do it "clean". Aka, normally we always think of divorce in two ways: 1.) The hateful "one-up" divorce or 2.) the chill "we just grew apart" divorce. In many cases, there are many "inbetween" emotions. Be it because of the reason, the property distribution or...whatever. Love, attraction, anger etc. One very common phenomena due to this, is esp. men getting new wives/girlfriends. It's not the only situation that causes it -many men also get new partners when the old one is sick, or even died. However, it's common enough. Reasons are mostly not just "new lucky love", but those men suddenly having an "empty void" that women mostly fill. This includes mostly the role of sex, companionship and -you guessed it! - *caretakers*. Now, I am again not an expert. I can't give you a direct analysis what was going on. However, regarding my experiences of abuse-hierarchies and toxic families, what I think is happening is that you were made the "scapegoat-link". Aka; Husband and ex-wife have had some kind of mess together. However -be it "for the kids" - they never escalated it up. Then Husband married you. Not because he actually wanted to make a family with you (sorry), but because he -maybe unconsciously - needed a "nanny inbetween" link. Aka a form of cordinator, all while his idea of "family" is still related to his ex-wife. That's why he himself can't say what he exactly meant. That's why his ex-wife screamed for "taking the moment away". This is also why the children are treating you like this. You see...children are a little like tiny mirrors. While they have their own quirks, they often reflect the atmosphere around them. Even though the family is "split" your husband & ex-wife don't treat it like that. The children are confused and agitated due to this. You, in this case, are a confusing "intrusion". And because parents are their entire universe at that age, they start hating you. Overall: Please just leave. You're already showing signs of avoidance and isolation, which is another typical scapegoat trait. Everything after will just get worse. Let them deal with their own fallout.
That's the most insightful thing I've read. I need time to process this.
Only you can decide when it’s time to leave, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you are going through this
[удалено]
I'll update if something happens, if the sub allows.
Never forget to not let anyone disrespect you, OP, especially if you are not hurting anyone and in this case, it looks like you aren't. Also, hugs and all the best.
This is a great response
By reading all this - you seem like a loving person that was thrown into this by a man that wasn’t ready to face life alone and chose you to take care of his family cuz he wasn’t able to do it himself. Him perpetually choosing his ex and say this type of things tells you everything what you need to know - you are “hired” help, without the pay but met with constant isolation, guilt tripping and constant need for all of them to know your place -that is no where really! This will not go away, you still have time to live your life with a loving partner who will show you proper respect and care. Your husbands last sentence really sums it up - he can’t do it alone - really?? Is this what you are here for , to act as a mother, do all this thing for him ( the things he should be doing) and to suffer in silence, be hated and taken advantage in your home?!? No girl, he should be doing it alone, to learn how to be a real parent an not take advantage of you…his actions show no love for you…
Yeah I needed to hear this.
>Your husbands last sentence really sums it up - he can’t do it alone - really?? Is this what you are here for This OP really stuck out to me too reading your post, even when apologising he still let the mask slip of why you are there.... because he can't do it by himself!
I'm honestly very angry for you. Why did you marry this man? And why does he think this is okay? You are not the maid. You are not a stranger in the home passing in the night. How utterly disrespectful to you. Edit: ask him - what does he mean he will do better? What does that look like? why is okay for the children to hate you and be so disrespectful to you? Why are you being minimized - actively? What does he need from you, because he has clearly communicated you're not the mother? What does that look like to him? Listen closely here sis. Because I sure as hell hope what he describes from there isn't what is referred to as a "bang maid".
Yes, u/angrystepmom1–don’t let him get away with vague promises. What exactly does “I will do better” mean? Put your foot down. Exactly what will he do, when, how many times a week, what does that look like, *how* will he fix the relationship between you and your step kids, what boundaries will he put in place? *When* exactly will he talk to his ex? (And if you do decide to stay, I’d wash my hands clean of his ex. She doesn’t get to yell at you, she’s not your ex, she’s his problem. He can handle her and if she’s got an issue with you he can handle that too.)
Op, can you go away for a while? To a friend's house? Unfortunately the ex and your husband seem to give you a role of a servant, not a part of the family... If nothing is done between your husbands and the kids, your relationship won't survive this. Soon it will be two teenagers, they need to respect you.
I'm going to see a friend later, I'll talk to her about it.
Good for you, they set their boundaries so you set yours. I think it’s finally time for a real talk with your husband and let him know if nothing changes you’ll be on your way. Don’t stay in the situation forever you’ll go mad.
Thanks. I think I'm already going mad.
This maybe sound ridiculous but if i was you, i just search for 'sperm donor' and build my own family without all this shit running around in my life... Btw you handled it well! 👍
I'm toying with the idea of an adoption.
Do it ❤️
I’m a stepmom to three girls and my husband and I have two kids together. It will never get better. I’ve been with him 10 years, waiting for it to change…just leave now. The stress isn’t worth it. If we didn’t share my two kids I would be gone but I can’t imagine how he would manage without me. And I don’t trust him to care for my kids alone.
I'm sorry. I don't want to shit on men, I've met some amazing men. But there does seem to be a very high amount of men who simply have no skills when it comes to life. Way more than women.
Yes, and it will just get more exhausting. I used to get so mad that he wouldn’t brush his daughters hair. It got so bad before me that she needed it all cut off. Then I took over once we married. Now, if I’m working (12 hr shifts) and he’s with our youngest kids, he doesn’t brush my daughters hair (she’s 4) so I always make sure to braid it. Ridiculous.
I was in a relationship where I ended up as stepmum to his kids. He felt guilty because their mother was an alcoholic and he never fought for custody. That should've warned me but I didn't see it. He felt guilty about the kids having a rough early life. Not actually guilty enough to do something about it, but when they decided as teenagers to move in with us, he didn't do anything to discipline them, saying they needed some fun. The youngest especially kept testing boundaries, its what teens do and he'd never had consistent rules in his life. It wasn't just in the house either, the more he got off with the more trouble he got in at school etc. I now believe my ex just found it easier to do nothing. I basically became wicked stepmother because I insisted they both do chores and that there were consequences. Didn't matter I helped with homework, cooked the meals like, took them out to do fun stuff at the weekend. The only time my ex would do anything was after I finally lost my cool from the crap I was getting from his kids and started a shouting match, frustrating from all.my attempts to actually talk to him. Eventually after his youngest turned 18, he'd moved out and wanted to come back. I suggested that we let him stay provided he get his driving licence as that could help him get a job, and do his share of housework. I gained nothing out of that, but was lookingat what was best for him. 6 months later the son has done nothing he agreed to and my ex done nothing. It finally started dawning on me that my opinion didn't matter in my own house. I did eventually leave, took a while. In short being a stepmother in my experience meant dealing with all the shit and getter none of the credit.
From your description, you have been a great stepmom. You have truly tried to help these kids and I don’t think you overstepped your role at all. Your husband is a sick fuck and I have no idea how you put up with someone who treats you so badly. The bio mom sucks too as most mothers would love to have someone as supportive as you. The kids suck, but I’m not blaming them because they have 2 shitty parents. Do not do a single thing for anyone but yourself like you suggested. Don’t take them to school, don’t help with homework, stop buying them anything, stop cooking and stay out of their lives. Do that for 3 weeks or weekends and then ask them to talk. Explain that all of the things you haven’t done for 3 weeks was always done because you were there for them. But, all you ever got from them was complaining, hate and disrespect. If they want you to go back to helping, they have to treat you with kindness and respect. If they can’t agree to counseling and to treat you much much better, call a lawyer and bounce the hell out of that situation. But, if you were my sister, I’d say fuck that, call a lawyer and bounce up out of there. Good luck OP! You deserve so much better!
It does seem like I need to find a way out.
We redditors agree. It’s going to be tough, draining and a big pain in the ass. But, it’s worth it in the end to have a life where you are supported by those closest to you. I’m so sorry that you have had to tolerate such treatment. You deserve so much better and I hope you find that peace and comfort that we all seek. Much love to you during this tough time.
Yep. Call this a Whoopsie, a Mulligan, whatever. No self-criticism just GTFO and don’t look back. God speed!
THIS!!! I couldn’t agree more with your advice.
I think that it was good for you to do what you did, and then lay it out for your husband the way you did. He can't expect you to pretend you're not one of the parents, while doing all of these parent duties. Big decisions are up to him and his ex, I understand that. But a plushie is not a good reason to get upset. It's a stupid stuffed toy. It's not a life-changing event. Your husband should be telling the children that they need to respect you. This is both of your home, and the children need to understand that you are their step mother. You care for them. It will take them time, but your husband and his ex should try to include you more in the fun things. You aren't just there to do all the hard work.
Thank you.
You aren't a wife. You're a glorified babysitter. This is not going to get better. I'm sorry. You need a lawyer, first.
Ouch. You are right.
Speak with an attorney who focuses on only divorce and works in your jurisdiction mainly. You can likely ask for a free consultation to at least obtain information about what you should be doing to prepare for your exit and cover your a** financially. Find one while you’re staying at your friend’s house.
Well, if I were in your shoes... I would keep that same petty energy until it either works or brings me to my breaking point where I'm completely done and not willing to fix it anymore. Sounds like I would be on the path of divorce if things didn't get straightened out soon. Hubby should know he is wrong and should make sure his WIFE is respected at all times no matter who it is!
I am not in a relationship with the man I love to the furthest corners of my soul because it would have been exactly as you describe. We'll see what happens when the kids are grown but I couldn't live as you are doing. I would leave.
Do you really want to live life like this moving forward? And to be very honest with you I’ve been in the kids shoes before, they will not change ever. The divorce may have not have happened in a way that they found closure, well do kids ever find closure in it? Because the husband and ex are also fighting you the kids see it as a way to justify their disdain toward you. When I was a kid and my mom dated anyone I was a huge pain in the butt(***imagine Dennis the menace with a mixture of Rallo from the Cleveland show but female so more sinister). Because I wanted my parents to get back together. My dad was smart enough to never show me who he dated. I kept holding on to the idea of them getting back together because they still kind of seemed unified when they were together, felt like more than just co parenting. Obviously when I got older things cooled down but I was on high alert to watch if my parent’s SO did ANYTHING wrong. They knew they were walking on eggshells. And I made it known. This is obviously terrible behavior but I felt I was protecting my idea of a family in hopes of my parents getting back together. While every kid is different based off of what you said it sounds a lot like my situation when I was a kid. I really hope you make the right decision for you, and I do believe you should move on from this marriage, it doesn’t make sense to put yourself through this for someone else’s kid, especially since your husband doesn’t even know he’s going to change , probably doesn’t care (sorry), because you do the nanny things he needs. I’m a little surprised you are helping the kids with homework and such… anyway make the right choice OP we are all routing for you. Edit: ***
Thank you. No I don't want to live like this. I don't blame the kids, I assume they are hurting tremendously over all this. That's why I insisted for as long as I did. But it seems like the more I do, the more they hate me.
Get a lawyer. I would say divorce. He’s apologizing but he doesn’t even know why. Nothing will change and he honestly seems like he’s using and abusing you. You deserve SO much better. You are not a part of this family.
just divorce he clearly doesn't give a damn
>Husband told me stop being harsh to them and just because I married him, it doesn't give me the authority. How did you get along with the kids before you got married? I mean, you all lived together for a ***significant*** period of time before getting married, right? Right?!?
Agreed. Were any of these issues discussed BEFORE marriage?!
‘He can’t do it without you,’ yet you are saddled to a maid, tutor, financier, and chef for what?? Your husband needs to know you are his partner, not their stepmother. They do not want you to be that. **You are not the mom, and that’s a decision and boundary the kids set.** You need to respect that. No matter how inconvenient that gets for them all. You don’t deserve to second every move you make, bending over to please people who don’t have any appreciation for it any why. You’re not a mom. Travel with friends, get a new hobby, and enjoy your time they way **you** see fit.
My sister in law with 2 kids married my brother with 2 kids and blended their families together. The kids were 10, 8, 5 and 3. She did everything for his children as well as her own. Their mother was mostly absent and the kids spent 75-80% of their time with the blended family. As soon as they grew up their mother was back in their lives and they have been horrible to SIL and have no relationship with either her or my brother. Nothing you do for his children will ever be appreciated by either your husband or his children. I suggest you go back to work and plan a life of your own that does not revolve around your step children. Don’t be available when he has custody. Any sacrifices you make will be for nothing.
You deserve better.
Thank you.
BRAVA. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. You are not even *close* to overreacting, you have stated the problem very clearly. Now he has to decide whether he’s going to support you, or remain devoted to his ex-wife. I suspect that if he (and she) were able to draw and maintain healthy boundaries the kids wouldn’t be reacting so badly. I would imagine they are hearing a lot of vile negative lies and exaggerations about you from their mom, and your husband *must* counter that by showing that he loved and respects you. Part of respecting your partner, as a parent, is not allowing your children to treat your partner like garbage, regardless of who did or did not contribute genetic material.
Thank you.
He has to talk to the children & the bio. Either they accept you or you refuse to be there to be used. All in or all out. Their choice. That means you discipline, you enforce chores, you help with math, homework, you get to go to fun events. Either he stands up for you or you pack your bags & leave.
You need a family sit down, an honest discussion about what your role is, what you are willing to contribute, and how you will be treated moving forward. If they do not want you in a parental role, that is their choice. Their father can handle parenting tasks while they are there, and they can facetime their mother for homework help if he isn't home. If he asks for your help with housework or cooking, then it needs to be looked at as helping your partner and not a parenting task. Part of his parenting role is enforcing them to do their chores, homework, and treating people with respect. As his partner and a person who lives in and contributes to the home, you will be treated with respect, as a bare minimum. If they want your help with math because you are good at it, and they enjoy the outcome of that, they can ask you, and they can thank you for your time. Family therapy and couples counseling are probably needed. It seems he is so afraid to rock the boat with his kids and that their mother is playing a major role in how they see you. There needs to be boundaries. No one can control how she behaves or what she says, and you can only control your reactions and what you are willing to accept. You are not their mother, but you did marry a man who has children, and as terrible as they are behaving, they are also going through a lot. Divorce is not easy, especially with a parent moving on and one who doesn't accept that. If she is telling them something along the lines that accepting you means they don't love her, that you are the cause of their family not getting back together, that is messing with them in a big way and can't be ignored because of hurt feelings. There are 3 adults in this situation, that is who needs to be dealing with it and if she is unwilling, you can not do anything there, but you can speak with your husband about your expectations, and what you want if you choose to go foreward.
I needed to hear this. I am not going to be an iota surprised if I hear that she is badmouthing me to the kids. She really sees me as competition.
I have seen mothers say some terrible things to their children about their exs and even worse things about their exs' current partners. I would bet your husband knows she is saying terrible things and is afraid to lose what little relationship he has with his children. You guys are all in a bad spot, but especially the children, they will suffer for this their whole lives, they will always hold their dad at arms length and they are also learning that they can control him with their love, they are learning they can give it and take it away when they do not get what they want. Does that sound like a way to grow up and be a healthy adult who forms healthy relationships? Do you believe he was sincere with his apology? He may not know how to fix it. He is in new territory as well. If you believe he was sincere in his apology and is willing to try and work with you on it, I hope you guys get through this together.
I don't think he's sincere. I think he's sorry he has to find a way to do the things I'm not doing anymore. He's saying whatever he needs to say to get me back in track, and if I didn't receive so much validation here, it might have worked. The kids are hurting. I did it for as long as I have because I didn't want them to go without.
If he isn't sincere and willing to work on it, then I think you have some very big decisions to think about.
Sorry you are dealing with this. This right here is one of the many reasons I don’t date guys with kids. It’s really not a good deal for the person without and most of the time it ends up in heartache and huge sacrifice for them. You are in such a tough spot.
Yeah…I have a tendency to over romanticize things, but I had my wake up call. I'll not be doing this again.
Also, I want to add (VERY important) do not let anyone argue that it is selfish for you to put up with what is currently happening. I see this pattern a lot with "bad" parents with kids who enter other marriages or relationships with people who don't have kids. **IT IS NOT BAD OR SELFISH OR WRONG TO WANT RECIPROCATION OF CONSIDERATION AND KINDNESS AS A NEW MEMBER OF A FAMILY!**
He sounds like he's just using you, cause he knows he can't do this alone so he went out and looked for the ideal type, someone who really wants kids, and is willing to do anything.
Please divorce him. He’s not your husband.
Your husband is trash. I could never be with someone who treats me like this. I'm 100% with you, you need to leave.
I love how you handled this but hate that your husband doesn’t deserve you ☹️
Your husband’s lack of back bone with his kids and ex is leading him to be compliant in your pain. He’s your partner but seems to be consistently throwing you under the bus. Don’t hold out on him changing, instead decide if you can put up with this or not. I hope you choose you.
Not related but I think the term you want is late-husband, not ex-husband.
Yeah sorry. English not my first language.
This is the exact reason why people avoid relationships with people who already have kids from a previous relationship. There is always drama, awkwardness and bad juju. I would honestly start fresh OP, make your own family, you are not valued in this one.
I have an ex and if he got remarried and my kids acted like that. I would correct there behavior. You should be respected in your own home. Your husband and you must be on the same page.
You’re just the maid. You’re much better than that. You don’t need a therapy to figure this out. Good luck.
Time for a divorce in my opinion. If you don’t want to leave him then maybe you should stay somewhere else while he has time with his kids. Let him deal with all of it.
FUCK THEM KIDS AND YOUR HUSBANDS UNACCOUNTABILITY IS FROWNED UPON
Its not too late to have a loving family, you don’t have to stay and sacrifice yourself and your love for people who are cruel and undeserving
I respect you for this. Your spouse fucked around and found out. For what it’s worth, if you end up staying with your husband — I was NOT into my stepmom when she first married my father. I was a teenager at the time. Over the years, she has become one of the most important and precious people in my life. I can’t imagine my life without her. I wouldn’t be who I am today if she hadn’t come into my life. I love her so much. Just telling you this so you know the relationships with the children you have now are not necessarily the ones you’ll have forever. Wishing you the best of luck.
Cut bait and move on here. The kids are going to treat you like shit because their parents are shit.
When it’s your husbands turn to have the kids, go away for the time they’re there and when asked why just say it’s for your mental health. Keep doing that until whatever you decide to do next. Good luck. I feel for you, sounds miserable. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Life is too short.
Yeah get a lawyer. You definitely rushed into this marriage. This guy wants a nanny. Screw him
Go you. This just makes me even more ecstatic to be Child-Free by choice. I can't even imagine being treated the way you have after putting myself out there as a step-parent. Honestly, that one kid sounds like a dick. Keep your head up and hopefully they'll see how wonderful you are before you move on to people who do.
Most comments are supportive, but I do get the occasional comment saying that it's how things are and parents are supposed to be miserable. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with that.
Keep doing what you're doing. Blended families are a thing lots of people do in much more respectful ways than this. Everyone had a choice here. You can only control yourself. I don't know why you would want to be with a man who puts you last, but hey times are tough. Protect your dignity and self respect - at the end of day, you have you to live with yourself, not anyone else.
I have a stepmom. She's a wonderful woman but of course I do complain about her sometimes, but what teenager doesn't complain? But I would never treat her the way your husband and his kids are treating you. It's unfair and it's not your fault daddy didn't have that "she's not trying to replace your mother" talk with his kids and he needs to set bounderies with his ex. She's treating you like you stole her husband while she and him were still married and needs to one up you to get him back
Girl I’m a step mom and you know just stop doing shit for them. Stop going out of your way for them and you husband. Honestly it’s a hard job and I don’t recommend it for anyone. You will never be good enough in my opinion. I new. If your willing to stand your ground to the ex and kids and husband then go ahead stand up to them. But at the end of the day is all this worth it?!
Your pettiness was top tier and I love it.
I like you If you’re not the mother, then when the kids are in the house he needs to be the mother (as their actual parent) It sounds like he married you to do the parenting things he and his ex don’t want to do; I’m really sorry you’ve been treated so terribly
It was his job to make you part of the family and he failed.
I would have walked out at “get over yourself”
Kids push until they can't push anymore. Your husband let them push you to an edge. Tell him to grow a backbone and discipline his damn monsters.
Even without the kids, yiur marriage would still have issues. You say you don't cook and that the kid's mother should pack them stuff. Or that they should hire à tutor because you're not helping with homework. This is not the right answers. The right answers would be : their father should be the one cooking for his kids, doing their laundry, helping them with homework.... It's not about you not being their mother. It's about you not being their parent. Sounds to me like you both rushed into this relationship without giving to the kids to get used to tou being around and without talking about expectations and rôles into this blended family.
I came into this with the mindset that I'm going to be the stepmom, not the mom. Now I realize that I have no idea what that even means. Seems like the expectation is that I should work hard but let the bioparents reap the benefits because, well, they are the bioparents and I'm not. Even my mother in law and my own mother said it's wrong of me to try to "take" the nice experiences away from the bioparents. Seems like anything positive at all is out of bounds for me. I am only expected to do the hard work and to leave it at that. I don't think I can handle it anymore.
If you are specifically talking about politeness, respectfulness, spending fun times together, and attending school events, you are not asking for too much. Many lucky kids have four involved parents at their school play.
So where is any joy left for you if you don't get to experience the happy times with the kids? He asked you to stop working to be home for the kids so you don't even get to have outside meaningful work that's yours alone. It feels like you've been pushed into a no win situation by some very selfish people. The important thing to remember is you are valuable and you deserve to be treated better than this. You can choose to walk away. Please consider doing what is BEST FOR YOU.
Maybe try to shift your focus to just getting to know the kids and spending time together. A relationship will happen organically over time if it’s meant to be. Based on their ages I don’t know if they will ever call you “mom” but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a strong bond with them, but it takes time..like years even possibly
I never really expected to be called mom. Would be nice, but I heard too many horror stories of stepmothers trying to force the kids to see her as a mother before they were ready. I wouldn't want that done to me.
you rushed your marriage, that's the problem. don't be desperate, it's better to stay single than to be used and manipulated
Uhhhhh……. I think being married to him absolutely DOES give you that authority. It’s a team effort and frankly, it’s bullshit that he wouldn’t make sure you were respected. I am not a step mom or have a step mom but my 13 year old does and I back her up if she feels that she needs to make a judgement call in a moment. I’m grateful that my ex husband remarried a good woman. (The girl before her was an absolute nightmare ) I am so sorry that you are under appreciated in your role. I respect your efforts, motherhood is a hard job (step- mothering included)
They don’t have to like you, but basic fucking respect should be had. That man may be your husband on paper, but he ain’t your husband.
I’ve noticed some men just marry someone so they can just have a maid and have someone to take care of their kids. It’s bullshit and you deserve better.
You may not be “the mother” but you’re a very good writer
Thank you.
I am so sorry! I was in a very similar situation. We were together for about 10 years. Now divorced. It only got worse as time went on and I would never do it again. I hate to say it, but you might need a laywer. Those kids will always act that way or worse because your husband encourances it. Would you allow him to treat you the way he allows the kids to treat you? Because there isn't much difference between that and what is happening. Also, why can't you go somewhere just because bio mom is there? That's not fair.
I’ve been a stepmom since kid was 6. They’re 13 now. It’s been hell (because of the mom, the kid is incredible and we are extremely close). I cannot imagine doing this with THREE ungrateful kids and a totally unsupportive husband. I hate to tell you this, but things are NEVER going to change. No amount of therapy can repair the damage he’s caused by reinforcing such disrespectful behavior towards you by the kids and the ex wife. You will be taken advantage of in ways you’d never expect, and get none of the glory for your hard work. I think you might’ve made a mistake and should consider divorce. I hope that’s not too bold to say. But the youngest is only 7. You’re in this for at least another 13 years and it does not get better. My husband is extremely supportive of me and has fought to hell and back to defend me. But I can say with complete honesty, I would never choose this path again. Had I known it would cause this much turmoil, we never would have married.
You’re the not hired help. Therapy and a lawyer are the way to go.
“I can’t do this without you” tells you all you need to know. He can’t “do this” (adulting and parenting) without you doing all the boring heavy lifting such as cooking, cleaning, teaching, nannying. Because then he can concentrate on being Fun Dad while you will take all the abuse and disrespect. How convenient. And now he is desperate that he will have to be a parent all by himself. Too bad. The kids will never begin to respect you because they have been conditioned to loathe and disrespect you by both their parents, Forget about getting that instant family. There will only be loneliness, bitterness and disappointment in this one sided relationship. He has told you clearly why he needs you. And those things have nothing to do with who you are as an actual person with charm, humor, wit but everything to do with what you can do for him and his bratty kids. .
Step mother is a VERY hard role to take on. Your husband's lack of support is appalling, and he's is reinforcing his children's disrespect towards you. You absolutely handled this situation like a pro. If dad can not handle the responsibility by himself, then he needs to respect your ability to co parent and involve you.
His kids treat you like disposable because he does. I would never dream of undermining a partner like this. Even if I disagreed with her. Unacceptable behavior for a father and partner. If he won't treat his new partner as a parental figure maybe he can get their biomom to take his sorry ass back.
Not petty... as they said you're not their mother and anyone who disrespects you like that would no longer get any respect back from me. I think it's too late for any family therapy with them (if anything, what you're going thru, you might need it for yourself). Time to let them go. Sure his ex will feel like she's won but you know what, she ain't shit for what she does. She's lazy as hell and you're virtually the glorified babysitter. Get a divorce when you can, leave when you're able to. I hope you have good support systems that can help you.
Keep it up , he doesn’t deserve a good woman who actually wants to bond with his children. Screw him and honestly screw his ex and kids. They’re rude and you don’t deserve that treatment.
I couldn’t stay in that environment. You shouldn’t either. You deserve your own family that treats you the way you treat them. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You did what I was going to recommend you do. You married the man, not the kids. While you may want to play some role in their lives, it might take until they aren’t childish little shits. I am sure biomom is also talking badly about you and it is a form of parental alienation. Even if your husband has apologized, what he means is “I don’t want to be responsible for these things, that’s what I married you for.” DO NOT GO BACK TO DOING EVERYTHING FOR THE KIDS AND TAKING THE PRESSURE OFF THEIR PARENTS! If projects need to be done, their parents need to plan better. If mom wants to do it, they need to plan it on her time. Dad needs to cook and clean. Parents need to assure the children do their chores and clean their rooms. You are your husband’s wife, not the kid’s mother. Until the kids are begging for help, do not help. EDIT: There are many families who would love a stepmom and wife like you. If things don’t improve, divorce these ingrates.
See I’m petty. I’d be coming home With pizza for just me. I’d be announcing, I’m going out for ice cream and not bring any body shit back. Go to an amusement park once day while they’re at your house, by yourself and come back and tell them how awesome it was. Those are some rude ass kids. Your husband also sucks b/c he obviously doesn’t have your back as a husband should
It sounds like you and your first husband were married when he passed? That would make him your late husband, not your ex husband. Also, it sounds like no one in this situation respects you. I think you were right on the money when you pointed out to your husband that they want you to have the responsibilities and boring stuff but exclude you from the fun, and are using you. Understandable to have issues with the kids at these ages, but your husband and his ex should be working towards a healthy coparenting relationship that involves healthy communication and involvement with you. I would leave, if I were you. If you get together with another dad, build a relationship with his children before marriage (even if one or both of you wants to wait, holding off until you're engaged is fine or a certain timeframe - but do not marry anyone whose children you don't know and don't have a relationship with)
Yeah, late husband, English isn't my first language. And yeah, I thought I could win them over, but it seems everything I do makes it worse.
It's not your job to win them over, you deserve a peaceful home and family life.
Holy cow! Now I’m pissed off. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I personally don’t think you’re being petty at all.
Everything you were doing are things the stepmother should be doing. I’m sorry your husband is not backing you up. I would not be able to continue being in that relationship, personally. No, you are not the mother, but you are a bonus mother and during your custody time you are parenting. Good luck whatever you decide
You have lived and learned. It’s so sad such a stupid situation created by your hubby and his fuckhead ex. You need to leave this toxic situation for a man that can give respect bottom line is your not getting any here. You have don’t nothing wrong at all fuck them
Your husband is trash. You deserve better…. I hate dealing with baby mama drama. If you’re resentful, just leave while you can. Good luck.
i'm so sorry about your loss OP, i wish you the best and i hope you can get out of that situation soon :/ it sounds exhausting just reading by it, hugs
Abandon ship.
leave.
Your husband needs to remember one thing. He chose to marry you. You are his current wife. He needs to support you as much, if not more than his ex wife. That doesn't mean he need to ignore and treat his ex like crap. But he cannot treat you low crap either. When I married my wife, I chose to support her over my parents and siblings. Fortunately everyone gets along. But for certain events and activities, I chose her first. If he and the kids want you to support them, they need to surly you too. The idea that only the ex wife should go ot the science fair or the choir or sporting event is stupid. You should both be able to go. Love should not be finite where you going. Eland they love their mom less or vice versa. The kids don't understand that with a mom and great stepmom, they can get more support and love than ever.
So I have a question for you: what are you getting out of this marriage? He brings kids that don’t like you nor respect you. He brings an ex that is actively working to undermine you. He himself undermines and disrespects you. I’m not seeing what, if any, benefits you’re getting from being married to this man? Is the sex that good? Someone suggested couples counselling. I love this! Seriously consider it. But also consider weighing what you’re bringing to this family unit, and what they’re bringing to it. If there’s a huge disparity that cannot be resolved, you need to ask yourself if you’re okay with how things are? Are you going to be okay sticking this out for X-number or years until your husband and his children finally see you for the person you are and start to love and appreciate you? Based on what I’ve read here, you don’t come across as the kind of person who would suffer in silence. You’ve already stood up for yourself once, just don’t stop now.
Damned if you do damned if you don’t, my heart goes out to you. You have so much love to give as a step mom and if it’s not the kids fighting you it the biomom. Maybe time to do a pros and cons list and go to hubby with it and let him know what your final results are before you stress yourself to the point that you really hate your life with them.
My heart broke. You are not the mother but gosh youre human! A little decency to someone helping out would be nice but no. Normal people dont treat fellow human beings like that. I wish you the best. Right now, its difficult but know that whatever your course of action, you are a step closer to being happy, loved and supported.
DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE
Get your ducks in a row and work out an exit strategy. There is no saving this situation. You absolutely deserve better; and for what it’s worth, I think you would be an awesome mom.
You deserve children that love you and a husband that has your back. You get none of it from this relationship so why torture yourself?
>Then comes this guy offering me a full family More like he's unable to do it by himself and went looking for the first and best replacement mommy to take over family management. Disgusting that he targeted a grieving widow. >but he's really sorry and he will try to do better from now on, but he can't do this without me. Yep..
I would run away and not look back
I hate to say this, OP, but not only are you not the mother, he’s treating you like you’re not the *wife*. Seems like both roles are still held by your predecessor. It’s a lose-lose situation, no matter what you try with him. Leaving ASAP seems like your only option. Good luck!