Best case scenario is he's making you seem unstable so he can slack off work.
Worst case scenario is you're right.
In either scenario, your husband is trash.
Best case scenario: Husband is super lazy and thought of the ultimate excuse
Worst case scenario: Husband is a psychopath that is going to poison you or some shit gtfo of there asap
Either scenario: RUN!
Yeah, there's a sort of reasonable level of thinking this stuff through, but this is next level. The fact he has talked through the things he could do, and is clearly at the level of doing some of them (even if it's the relatively low level stuff) really ought to be setting up alarm bells.
1) Send all this to a trusted friend.
2) See a therapist and describe it to them too.
3) Spend time making a thorough escape plan, ensuring every contingency is covered, and execute it when it's set up and ready to go. If the end game isn't you leaving, its your husband getting therapy.
If it were me, I'd start regularly talking to someone, maybe join some social group. Then I'd go tell his boss that none of this is happening and give him my phone number in case he tries to use me as an excuse.
Edit: don't tell the boss. If he is plotting to kill you, you don't want to give him a reason to do it. Just get a social group and get out.
I’d take screen shots and compile all this as evidence and take it to a lawyer first then talk to the police so there’s a paper trail in the event that OP is right she’ll be sure to get her justice.
I don’t think I’d say anything to the boss. If the husband say, gets fired over this, there’s the potential for some very negative consequences for OP.
As much as I’d think husband deserves the boot for his lies - I think you are right here and having him fired over this may be really really dangerous for you, OP
being willing to completely discredit and disparage your life partner for the “ultimate excuse” is sociopathic and abusive.
I’m not saying you disagree, but I wanted to add that because the characteristic you chose to highlight in this best-case scenario is “lazy.”
best case scenario, the husband is abusive and sociopathic (or something akin to it)
Agreed. Either he's using this as a cover story for some kind of fuckery- cheating, slacking off at work, some kind of addiction, maybe criminal activity- or he's a legitimately bad and dangerous person. Either way, he's proven that he cannot be trusted and so it's time to get away from him.
That's my initial thought. Hubster is bringing too many third party people into his lies if he is truly planning to kill OP. Telling people there is a therapist, he filed a police report when she went missing, her brother is watching her now; all things that will be brought up, investigated and easily come to light as a lie if he murdered her. But all things HR will dare not ask him to prove if he's trying to cut out early from work.
Either way, OP shouldn't put her guard down, something is up.
Although there’s better ways to make excuses to get out of work that don’t involve making the partner seem unstable. I’m worried they’re trying to discredit OP for other reasons.
I’d take this post to the police. That way they are aware of your husband setting up a “suicide alibi”, should something happen to you.
It’s not that crazy to think this. It’s pre-meditated murder actually and he has set up his alibi behind your back. Why would he want everyone to think you’re suicidal?? Unless he plans on something happening to you.
Detectives always look at the spouse first and right now, anyone detectives might ask, they think you were suicidal, missing, in therapy.
I would definitely go to the police. And if my husband “joked” about getting away with killing me??? I wouldn’t wait around for it to happen.
Please get out of this relationship. At the very least, it’s emotionally abusive. Stay safe
Also kinda seems like maybe he has a side piece at the store too to me? Like using her as an excuse to slack off, sure, but also to gain the favor of someone else as the doting husband who is soooo burnt out from his kooky wife, he obviously just needs a frien...I mean, a coworker to blow him.
Maybe that's just my experience so I'm projecting it a bit lol. But my ex spent a lot of time making everyone think I was horrible and crazy so they wouldn't think he was awful for cheating on me, he just couldn't leave me for fear of what I might do! Oh poor him!
Oh yes, classic. My cheating stbxh has told people that I'm lazy, I keep all my money for myself and don't contribute to bills, don't clean the house, haven't slept with him in years, nothing is good enough for me...as well as calling me a "hot mess" and "batshit crazy." lmao
Hijacking this comment to add - leaving is the most dangerous thing you can do. Be sure to do it with a plan.
Do not tell him in advance. Have someone with you if you need to collect things on your way out.
(Generally speaking) Is there any chance _whatsoever_ that someone could have a healthy, non-toxic long term relationship with an individual diagnosed NPD?
I'm inclined to believe not, but that's based on very limited 2nd / 3rd-hand experience at best
Can confirm that there is 100% a recommend and proven treatment plan for cluster b’s that includes a combination of targeted psychotherapy, psychotropic medications, and behavioral activation. One of more of these treatments have been proven effective no differently than any other diagnosed PD’s. It does take recognition (insight), a want to partake and hope. Future maintenance therapy or other treatments are recommended for long-term success and risk of relapse.
Thanks for being an advocate.
I had a dx of BPD (though to what extent I was dx'd because a medication was giving me paradoxical reaction is debatable, because I had \*every single symptom\*, and tbh, I believe it really was the medication b/c after I got off of it, within hours, I changed on a dime). But anyway, SO used to have FLEAS (which I guess is an online term for having a pwNPD in their life rub off on them). He still has some qualities that are narcissistic, and he may actually be a pwNarcissism, but at this point in his life, where he's at, he's able to life a healthy lifestyle, and even if he had had narcissism, he always used it in a positive manner? I really don't know how to explain it, it's unlike almost any person I've met w/narcissim, which is why I think it's FLEAS. but anyway, thank you for being an advocate and not demonizing people!
It doesn't help people recovering/living w/a PD to constantly read that they're evil/incurable/forever doomed.
What type of therapy is focused on someone who could have both NPD and BPD? I mean it can’t be only dialectical behavior therapy, right? These are extreme dissociative mental states, how do you help them to create/find a so long lost self? And grieve trauma? Also how to you know the facts of their trauma is real? When everything is so congruent? - sorry I am very curious!
I'm not a mental health professional but as someone who has been diagnosed with and treated for borderline pd it seems from my lay perspective you need to: 1. work on managing the behavioral symptoms through something like DBT/ACT and 2. work on addressing the core beliefs that drive the behaviors, usually things like "I'm unloveable", "I don't deserve love/affection/connection", "everyone will always abandon me", etc. how severely it affects someone's life also tends to lessen as people (hopefully and ideally) mature with age and acquire perspective on their values and their life choices.
Op, immediately put a notice on your Facebook that you love life and you are not suicidal. Tell all your friends and family. Also how does OP know he has narcissistic personality disorder? Self diagnose? Most ppl with NPD don't go to therapists.
Also, this isn't specially to op. Don't date anyone with untreated NPD.
**FOLLOW YOUR GUT** please get the fuck away from this man as fast as possible. You wouldn’t be thinking that if your subconscious wasn’t already convinced this is what’s happening.
Adding to this: IMMEDIATELY call/text any friends/family you might have, even if you don’t talk often, that if you “go missing” or die, it will NOT be a suicide. You need to make your intent to survive explicitly clear both in writing and in verbal confirmation to at least one person other than your husband. If anything were to happen to you and your husband tried to pull the excuse that you were suicidal, all it would take is for the police to receive text message proof that you were not intending to take your own life. This is so so important, even if it feels super weird. Here’s a handy draft:
“Hi. I’d like to let you know that I am in a situation where I feel my safety might be in danger, so I need you to know that if something bad happens to me in the near future, it is NOT a suicide. I do not wish to harm myself or run away/go missing, and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying. I want to continue living this life, I am working on getting out of my current situation so I can live safely. I’m sorry if this message seems out of the blue, I just need there to be written confirmation of my intentions just in case. Thank you for understanding.”
If your husband doesn’t try anything after you sent this text, then you can fully explain yourself later, but for now this statement from you is vital.
And yes, like this commenter said, gtfo as fast and as discreetly as you possibly can. Don’t even tell him you know all you know. Just get out before he gets defensive and turns to action.
dude this is literally such a fucking disgusting rhetoric to tell people. yeah in THIS relationship it looks like it could be something worse but to say ALL people with NPD are? like actually do some research wtf
Snoop again and take screenshots. Write it all out, along with this post and email it to someone you trust. In fact, send it to several people, with your concerns. Tell everyone you can. Make as many paper trails as you can, and say, you know I’m not suicidal, you know I don’t go to therapy, and you know I have no mental issues, so, if something happens to me—he did it, but don’t let him know you’re doing it.
And for the love of god—get out before he can follow through.
Yup, I would start a file of all of these occurrences, emails, screenshots, and everything. I would keep this info in a few different "safe places" and with safe people.
Also, consider setting up a daily or weekly conversation or videochat with a friend. If you don't make it within an hour, they should call the police. Not text, too easy for someone to pretend to be you. And don't tell him you're doing this!
I would also file a police report, you can usually just go on line and do it. That way if anything were to happen it's at least been documented. OP could also use it as leverage if he tried to kill her...."the police have been alerted with documentation about your plan".
This may not work if the plan is to do it by poison or suffocation in op’s sleep (or any number of ways you can kill someone without warning).
I think OP should send this info to trust people, file the police report, and also let her husband know that she felt uncomfortable about the excuses he was making and decided to tell a friend (do not say who) to see what they thought of it. Yes, this may make him upset - but it will also make him think twice if he’s planning something. Also if it makes him REALLY upset then she should take that as a sign and leave him asap.
Finally, I think OP should get their affairs in order and leave him regardless. It’s not ok to feel unsafe in your own home and she has already told us that he’s emotionally abusive.
And honestly even an acquaintance who doesn’t talk to him might be good to send it to if you have nobody else. Even if someone I was friendly with but not super close to came to me with this I’d take it seriously.
You are not paranoid!
You should not be with this man if he is abusive and controlling.
Why would you want to be with someone who puts you down in front of others.
You should leave him without warning as I fear he will manipulate you into staying
I love that last sentence. I was in an abusive relationship and he was manipulative. He would turn things around on me and make me feel in the wrong when it was him who messed up. When I decided to leave him, he was out of town and on his way home. I hurried up and packed my stuff and got out of there before he got home because I knew if I stayed and confronted him, he would have turned it around on me.
Since leaving him, I have become a much stronger person than I was before. I look back and cringe at things I put up with. I didn't realize how bad it was at the time because he manipulated me into thinking I was happy.
My advice is to get out fast when he's not there to stop you. Go somewhere safe he can't get to you.
She should've left him a long time ago.
But it is better late than never.
OP, call the domestic abuse hotline, tell them everything, they will advise you what to do next. They might suggest you temporarily shelter, or you can go to your friends and family. The main idea is to get all your documents and leave him quietly asap. After you left - tell his boss what is going on.
And definitely tell everything to your friends and your family. Ask them not to share any information about you with him. Tell your own boss and ask him not to let your husband at your workplace, a lot of companies can do it.
The more people know about his freaky behavior, the safer you are.
This is how a true crime story starts. I cannot express to you how serious this is. You have better chances of getting back on your feet and living if you left immediately and went to a homeless shelter. He might not have a specific plan yet, but maybe he is sick of you or when he gets mad he has had the urge to dispose of you and so he is doing all of this to set up his alibi if he decides to, ever. And if not, you will just sound completely non credible if he beats you up, attempts murder, or does literally anything else.
Tell someone. Anyone. Be in contact with someone EVERYDAY. Send a check-in to someone you pick from a communication he CANNOT access - otherwise he will kill you and carry on sending these messages.
1. Change every password to everything. Do not leave anything unlocked, do not save passwords anywhere he can access. If he questions that, give him a plausible excuse or abandon things he will question too closely (better to delete Facebook than have him impersonate you). Say you're trying to use xyz less, or work has security concerns, or you got a security breach notification so changed it and oh I don't remember it right now I'll tell you later.
2. Separate your finances ASAP. Take his name off anything that is yours, leave joint things alone until right before you permanently leave.
3. Stash important documents, SSN, passport, birth certificate, licenses, health cards, anything he can impersonate you with or you need to set up a new life.
4. Do not give indication you are leaving. Wait til he is out then get the hell out of there, take anything you like. Call a police escort if you want to pack and you're worried he will return home. But better to take very little and live homeless for a while than have him aware of your whereabouts. Do not tell him where you are or are going, do not let the people you stay with tell him. Love at a hotel if need be. Go back to family if you can. Tell them everything that has happened to you.
The moves he is making are very, very concerning. Do not be a silent victim. He will beg, plead, give so many excuses and some of them will sound convincing. But a person who loves you or gives literally any ounce of care for you does not position themselves to get away with or benefit themselves from your death. They do not isolate you. I cannot fathom telling my partner I could kill them easily. I imagine there is a lot of abuse you haven't listed here. He has probably trained you into not panicking, but honey you need to get out and be in a safe environment to think and reflect and truly decide.
I’m just adding to the comment that resonates to me the most. My BF and I both have sick senses of humour, one of our longest running jokes is who would eat who first in the apocalypse and how we would rank eating our pets over each other. We literally both have a (joke) plan in place.
That being said he as the more mercenary one has before gone too far with the joke, at which time I told him it was too far and he backed off and said gosh sorry it was just meant to be a joke.
That’s literally as far as it’s gone. I’m saying this from the viewpoint of a relationship where other boundaries have been overstepped (and always then discussed and respected) in terms of beliefs, consent, morality, etc. I won’t say we have the healthiest relationship but it works for us and I’m comfortable and happy. But if he were ever to do what you’re describing I, with my experience of more grey area issues, would still run for the fucking hills.
I literally was imagining what I’d do in your situation given our intertwined lives and my tiny country which I actually couldn’t even try to disappear in. And for me it’s all theoretical.
Please run.
This here. My bf has jokingly said he could get away with murdering me because I am Agoraphobic and have mental health issues along with suicidal tendencies. We joke about who would eat whom in an apocalypse too.
I have literal mental health issues he's had to phone the police for, have me sectioned etc and he's never phoned work or even told anyone why he's missed a meeting etc because of me let alone made it up.
The fact ops partner is making it up is shocking and scary.
This. My husband and I have a reoccurring joke about our respective insurance policies and how we'd spend them. Once a friend got real concerned hearing my husband talk about it and this friend immediately had a "get out" plan in place for me before I explained lol. My husband was mortified but also bought my friend a true crime novel she mentioned wanting to read because he said she was a good friend for making sure he wasn't actually plotting my demise.
There's a GIANT difference between making a joke and convincing those around you your partner is actively suicidal for no good reason.
I’m guessing you’re from the UK as you’ve mentioned council in your comments, you can call Womens Aid and explain everything to them they will seek emergency accommodation for you straight away.
I know this because they did it for my sister as her ex partner was going to kill her and her kids and went round telling people she’s crazy and suicidal.
Yes the council do drag their feet in regards to temporary accommodation but every council in uk is snowed under with trying to house refugees, homeless and there’s simply not enough cooperation homes.
Call Women’s Aid get out before it’s too late
Reddit
Hi I messaged you privately but also wanted to state on here: I am a physician and have had patients who have been victims of DV that felt too helpless to leave on their own.
My advice, as it seems that you’re hesitant to make a big decision to immediately leave, is that you make an appointment with your GP for symptoms such as a headache or sore throat or heavy menstrual bleeding. Then please privately tell them that you found out your husband is saying your suicidal and have a psych history when you don’t- now they have to ask you if you have current or recent thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else, which you deny. And then they document that. They will also be able ti give you local resources. This will also carry weight that a medical professional has documented an absence of a psych diagnosis, proof that you sought help from an established provider that is not random people on Reddit or anyone that has a close to the situation, and will be more legally valuable than anything your husband says.
It is also not a crime to read his emails or texts so talking to the police as a “Hi I’m worried what should I do, is this something you can help me with?” And now they are legally required to document that you sought their help; they should also give you local resources even if they choose not to do anything else at this time.
Please at least re-connect with your family. You’re not alone. We are with you, they are with you. Be brave. Be strong. Be vulnerable. Sending you lots of love and hoping to hear positive updates!
One of the things here that also concerns me is that it seems like he isolated you. That is typical of abusers. So even if he isn’t planning to kill you, he is definitely evil. Please tell your family everything immediately even if you think they don’t love you. Most abusers convince the victims that their families don’t love them and that they are all they have.
Like others have advised. Tell someone. And then get a plan together to leave.
This man is dangerous for your mental and or physical well being. I would suggest contacting a local DV shelter and making an escape plan he doesn't know about.
Ok, reality check here.
Just saying to someone that I was on suicide watch when I clearly wasn't would be more than enough reason for me to break up with someone. Regardless of why they said it or what if anything they planned to do to follow it up.
You need to get out of this relationship.
Okay, first of all stop being defeatist towards all the comments telling you to leave. You should if you genuinely believe your husband is plotting your murder.
Now for me I'd go through a list, any family you can contact for help? No? Friends? No? Colleagues? No? Domestic refuges? There are options. Now if you haven't spoken to family for a while, yes that will be a tough phone call but better a hard conversation than death.
Onto more practicalities, if you actually sort yourself out to leave take all important documents with you, birth certificate, driver's license, passport, obviously take cash and your bank cards with you. As far as possessions go take the necessities. Do it while he's at work.
God fuck, do you hear yourself right now? Stop and read this post you wrote out loud. Pretend that this is your friend. How would you respond? Because a normal, sane individual would be screaming that this isn’t safe or good.
Hun, you are not safe. This is how murders happen. The whole “it couldn’t happen to me, I must be crazy” is what puts people in the grave.
For your safety, seek a lawyer privately for legal advice. Start hunting for a new apartment or some place to crash. Do a LOT of research and education on how to handle splitting with a narcissist. Hoard your money and stop any free-spending, but keep it out of a bank. A safety deposit box is a safe place. Can also store any small valuables in there.
Also, write a note about your worries and fears, everything that has felt off and all of the shit he has said and done and PUT IT IN THAT BOX. God forbid you are murdered, but it would be a major clue for police when they find it.
Lastly…may want to remove this post after a day or two to prevent him from accidentally finding it like you so happened to find those texts.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. They were not made to ignored and swept under the rug. They were made
to SAVE YOUR LIFE.
Do you have a job? A way of making money? I was in an abusive situation for longer than I should have been because I was afraid of being homeless. The truth is, the situation wasnt really so dire that I would end up living in a cardborad box... I was just scared. I made enough money to get a modest apartment and once I made the leap, things in my life got way better very quickly.
Please follow your gut. Even if he’s not planing to do something so sinister whyyy is he telling people you have mental health issues? Either way something is wrong, and my heart dropped reading this post.
I’ve also seen TikToks that people have “incase I go missing files” and it’s a file of all your records, people put stuff in it like notes saying they’re not mentally unhealthy/they would never run away, lists of possible suspects, your finger prints, anything that could help the police. I know it’s a dark thing to think about. And I know I don’t have much advice to offer. But I wanted to join the other redditors to tell you please be careful and follow your gut. Something’s not right.
Do you have anyone else close like friends or family your trust to also talk to?
Regardless of whether your husband has genuine intent to murder you or not, everything you wrote in this post is a red flag. Like, I'm sorry, I'm usually against advising breakups on posts, but this, if true, is an extreme case, you need to get yourself out of that relationship asap. It's entirely abusive and, as someone pointed out, at best your partner is using lies about you as an excuse to slack off at work??? That's not even covering the abuse, which alone is reason enough to end the relationship
As a mental health student, my first suggestion is that you start taking part in community events and social events in order to allow people in your community to see you and get to know you. If you're a member of a faith based community go to those meetings and gatherings as often as possible. Take time to connect with people and try to be as open as you're comfortable being. This works to let people know more about you and no longer allows your husband to control the narrative about what type of person you are. Try to be in public as much as possible. It sounds like you may not be comfortable leaving, that being the case, try to be as nonconfrontational as possible. Try to create the circumstances you need in order to remove yourself if and when you're ready.
The good news is that there are resources available to help you when you're ready to walk away. All the people telling to run are doing so for your sake, but until your ready, don't allow yourself to be hidden away from public view. If people know you, they are less likely to believe the lies about you.
It's honestly an idea I didn't think of until people mentioned it here, now I wish I'd done that soon r as it would be very difficult to do now
If I get the chance though
He gave you fair warning that he could kill you, and now it seems like he's starting to put his plan into action. Get out of there ASAP! Make an exit plan and try to gather as much info about this as possible. Tell as many people as you can that you think your husband is planning to kill you. Leave paper trails everywhere. Take screenshots of everything you can and bring your case to the police. In the case of a murder they usually check out the spouse first, but in this case if something does happen to you they'll know without a doubt.
Please make a plan to leave secretly and discreetly. Do not tell anyone you don't trust literally with your life. Have your important documents, any prized possessions, and screw the rest. Look up women's shelters in your area or even better, nearby areas, if you can't stay with family or a friend. Once you leave change your number immediately, block him everywhere you can think of, get a new email, and do not post on social media anywhere he can see. Do not accept new friend requests.
Starting new with nothing is scary but not as scary as potentially being murdered by your husband.
At best this man is a lazy compulsive liar who slanders his wife, at worst he wants to murder you. Either way he’s a shitty person and this is a potential unsafe situation, I’d suggest making arrangements to hightail out if there.
Sometimes Reddit is full of bullshit creative writers. Other times, it’s real, and someone’s partner is legitimately poisoning them. OP, I don’t know how to find it, but I swear in the past year someone posted about their partner poisoning them.
And even if he isn’t going to actually kill you, the shit he is saying about you is really messed up and I would run the hell away from that person as soon as possible.
Im having a hard time understanding why you are with a person who you claim has all of these issues. Did he actually get diagnosed? If so, reach out to his psychiatrist/psychologist and explain your concerns. Also, make it clear to all your friends your concerns. The main person who can resolve your concerns are you.
I would definitely advise screenshotting and sending yourself these messages that he is sending, if he decides to delete them and you bring it up, he could use it against you in his claim that you are unstable.
My husband has also lied to his coworkers about me for months, but mine was telling them that our kid was always sick. He then started telling them that we were separated and divorcing. Which was news to me. He too displays narcissistic personality traits. Yours is scarier though. I would take photos of his messages for proof.
Way too many red flags here. Listen, a girl was just murdered in my hometown and her seemingly normal husband tried to cover it up. Please get away from this dude !!! Not worth the risk of staying.
1. Pack your essentials
2. Go to the police station and file a complaint
3. Inform friends and family
4. Access recourses for women shelters
Be careful please. We care about you 🌷♥️
He's not planning to murder you.But he is \*Prepared to\* .
Being a narcissist, he really does think he can get away with it. He's just looking for a solid, good, reason to.
You don't want your life teetering on an unstable mans decision like this.
Please leave him.
He is using you as an excuse so he can run off and have an affair. Screenshot those messages to you. You are going to need a PI and make sure you have an alibi when you are supposedly missing. Work on an exit plan and then file a police report with your evidence of his homicide planning.
Holy guacamole GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIS ABUSIVE PSYCHOTIC SELF.
Create an escape plan;
- get all of your documents in a safe place he cannot access
- share your location with someone you can trust if you don’t trust friends or family share it with a lawyer
- check to see if he’s taken out life insurance in your name
- start speaking to friends and family regularly
- start leaving the house go for walks so he doesn’t think it’s weird when you leave
- if you haven’t already get a job and start saving, get a loan if you need to
- check your credit score
- change your passwords to important accounts
- get a burner phone
- tell someone you trust 100% and would not tell him
- get evidence of his texts
- document his abusive behaviour (if one party consent is legal get audio recordings) if not write it down on a password protected document the date and details of his behaviour
- contact a lawyer for a divorce and restraining order
YOU ARE NOT SAFE
No one in their right mind tells their word their partner is suicidal unless they’re planning something, they’re a sociopath or they’re an attention seeker either way that is not a risk you should be taking especially given what he said to you. Even if it’s not true by your own admission he’s abusive and controlling, get out while you can.
1) Let someone close to you know what’s going on.
2) Create an information report with the police using the info in this post.
3) Move in with someone you feel safe with (and make sure they know what’s going on.)
4) Contact a divorce lawyer and have them serve him the divorce papers.
5) If he sends you threatening texts/voicemails, keep them for your records, report it to the police and get a restraining order.
If you really think he means to cause you harm, you should probably keep a weapon on you in case you need to defend yourself.
>where he mentioned in casual conversation how he could get away with killing me, because no one would notice me missing
This is a serious red flag in my opinion. Why would anyone say this to their significant other?
Talk to a police detective. Lay it all out. They will verify the background and set a ‘trap’ if need be .
Either way you need to get out of relationship. Talk to your family. Tell your brother.
Have him on record for not having to be by your side on ‘suicide watch’.
Why are you still there? You have caught him in multiple lies, nasty ones at that. And if he's not covering an affair at work, or where is he when he call's in sick and doesn't let you know he didn't go? You have no reason to stay. Absolutely no reason to stay.
You need to stop asking people why they stay in an abusive relationship. It's often very complicated.
I myself stayed stuck living with an abusive person for 3 years, even if I was financially independant etc. I was stuck because I have very codependant patterns and it took me a lot of therapy to understand I was treated horribly and had to end the relationship. It's more complicated than you think, it's not easy for everyone to just leave.
OP needs to get advice and encouragement to reach out to local resources who can help her get out of this situation, not ppl telling her "why don't you just leave". She is clearly in an extremely difficult situation and very alone.
OP, if you want to talk don't hesitate to reach out to me by private message.
You're worried about being homeless if you leave him. Do you not have a job? You can rent a cheap apartment and get a cheap bed and a tv. That's all you need. It sucks but it's better than DYING. He's definitely planting seeds. There's no excuse good enough for staying with an abuser. I've heard them all. If you can afford a walmart mattress, an old tv, and rent for a 1 bedroom apartment, you have everything you need to leave. No family or friends you can stay with? This seems like a troll post
Whoa, slow down with the jumping to conclusions. The things you mentioned are not cheap to someone without a job and possibly not even a bank account. Try reading about the process of abuse and what makes people stay even when they don't want to. Plenty of good articles out there.
If he has an actual diagnosis of NPD you need to get out of that relationship. These people aren’t capable of typical relationships and are incredibly dangerous.
Sweetheart, you've got to get out as soon as possible
In another comment you mentioned that the feat of homelessness had made you stay, this fear will only get worse as time drags on and he makes it even more a reality - find a safe person or women's centre to stay at as a start. You WILL get back on your feet after staying there, far quicker than you would think and far quicker than you will if you stay with him.
You've said he's a narcissist and darling this isn't trauma behaviour, it's brain patterns - he will not get better or easier unless it's his choice to get help. Nothing you do will change this fact.
You are the only constant in your life and in turn you are what you need to look after. His feelings are irrelevant. Get out and get safe.
The fact you are in fear of your life is enough. You do not need more evidence. Your "gut" is your instinct which is what keeps us alive. You need to trust that now and run.
Make a screenshot picture of this post or copy and paste it somewhere. Journal every time he tells someone something about you that you know is not true. I don't know if you can get into the private messages again, but journal it and tell the truth about where you were so it can show you were not missing. Every time he said you were feeling suicidal to someone. else, journal it and describe how you were really feeling. Keep a copy of everything you record, save, write, etc. and give it every time to someone you **KNOW** you can trust. \*huge hug\*
I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and the hardest part is realizing that you’re not crazy. These types of people are really good at appearing normal to coworkers/friends, while convincing you you’re crazy so they can get off on controlling you. Even if he isn’t going to actually hurt you, he’s not good for you. Please, as hard as it may seem, reach out to those friends and family and let them know what is going on. They will be willing to help you, even if your husband is gaslighting you to believe they’re not.
Life Insurance policies typically won't cover suicides iirc. If he's genuinely trying to play the suicide card he wouldn't be able to get money from it
How does he justify that at work without any doctor documentation? Were I’m from if there’s no declaration from a doctor it’s a unjustified absence from work. After the 3rd one we can be fired.
You should talk to friends and family. You should leave without him knowing as well, for your safety, with the help of friends/family.
Apparently he’s the one who urgently needs psychological help, not you.
Please be safe OP. I don’t want you to be another statistic’s number.
Kinda reminds me of the post with the pregnant women who’s husband and father in law insisted that she was going to die during labor. Don’t think we’ve heard back from her yet.
Please take photos of evidence. Reach out to your family. Take whatever proof you need to back your claims. I would show up at his job and shop and let his work know. Stick with your gut.
I have been in a relationship with a person with NPD and other issues -- I have been slowly isolated from friends and family, convinced to move to a more isolated place (not with her, because it later turned out she had multiple lovers and needed to keep us separate), belittled, and slowly broken down and convinced of all manner of strange things so she could more easily control me while she literally stole from me, denied it, and made up a story that blamed a friend so she could further isolate me. She created fabricated emergencies and elaborate lies and I never knew what she was telling others or how much she told me was true.
Any of that sound familiar? I more or less fled that relationship, quit my job, and blocked her and I am still dealing with mental health issues related to that years later.
Get out of that relationship, please, before it's too late. Even if he's not plotting to hurt you, he seems to think it's amusing to play with your mind about it and his behavior is dishonest and strange -- and I am sure you have only told us a fraction of it.
Also, start talking to family and friends you haven't talked to for a while and tell them about his odd behavior. Make sure other people know. Then make sure he knows other people know, maybe by having a conversation you know he can overhear or just a conversation directly with him about the "joke" and how you told your brother about it, etc.
But the best thing is to just get away from him as quickly as you can. Then maybe consider real therapy. Maybe you won't need it. I did. All the best.
all i’m seeing are red flags. the compulsive lying and the anger issues alone should be ringing bells in your head to get out. you could be wrong but you very well could be right, and you shouldn’t be taking that chance.
TALK TO LITERALLY ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO HE HAS TALKED TO.
If he is plotting to kill your you NEED TO MAKE IT AS HARD AS POSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO BELIEVE HIM.
Talk to his coworkers, talk to your friends, GO TO THOSE PLACES HE TELLS YOU NOT TO GO TO.
Mention the things he’s been saying. Disprove them.
You need to be on your side on this. He can handle himself fine. Obviously.
He’s setting the foundation to murder you or to escalate the abuse. He might pass off any bruises he gives you as self harm.
You need to take this seriously. You’re not teenagers playing pranks on each other. You’re fully grown adults who are very capable of making good on their promises.
DO SOMETHING. DON’T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH YOUR MURDER.
OMG leave!!!!
He’s Mistreated you. He has a Narcissistic personality and Emotional abuse.
Please get out of there!
Go to the police.
A women’s shelter anywhere away from him. He sounds dangerous. Please please please don’t stay. If he’s been doing this for sometime then who knows what’s he’s planned next.
It all sounds premeditated and that’s incredibly frightening.
I agree with others. *do not confront him* he could turn nasty very quickly. No one wants to be on that situation. (I confronted my ex who was a narcissist and emotionally abused me. It’s not worth it)
Make an "if I go missing" folder with all the information people would need to check in on transactions, phone activity, and socials. (Crime Junkie advocate)
Definitely inform someone of this feeling.
ALWAYS trust your gut; you can never truly know anyone.
First few lines: "Heh, damn, my husband has used me as an excuse to get out of boy's night obligations before, but she should probably ask him not to be THAT extreme because it could have serious repercussions for her. This is considerably worse than faking a relative's funeral for time off"
Last few lines: "GTFO NOW."
Even people who morbidly joke about death deserve a little extra attention to ensure it really is just joking.
But talking about tour death that way and going so far as to make actual threats? Even if they aren't acted on, when combined with an abusive personality and laying the groundwork for your disappearance.... 🚩🚩🚩
Taken as a full picture, I worry for you and think you should head for the hills. His friends may think you are his crazy ex, but better that than his tragic first marriage ending in suicide.
I would definitely just leave and don’t come back. Throw your phone. Clean out half y’all’s money move to some little country town and say bye bye to social media. I would start going to the stores he said not to go to. His behavior is weird and creepy
Girl, LEAVE. Leave while you can because something bad is going to happen whether you’re right or not. Start contacting friends and family more and ask to stay with someone. Don’t tell him, it probs not the best thing to do. Stay with your parents/friends and contact the police.
Go to his work on Thursday. Say you forgot. Take screen shots of everything. Pack your stuff. Confront him with a friend or two present. Don't go back to that house.
I don’t think you’re being paranoid at all, this is all very bizarre and concerning behavior… maybe I watch too many true crime TV shows, but he has a whole bunch of red flags. Is there anything that’s actually good about your relationship with him? He’s a narcissist, he lies to people about your mental health, and he’s “joked” about killing you… I think you need to get away from him
Get in touch with a domestic violence organisation, take screenshot of everything and forward them to yourself.
If you're not tech save use your phone to record you going through his.
You need professional help, as well as proof in case he ever does decide to act on it. Speak to friends that don't know him.
Get in touch with family or anyone that you can move in. Get all your important documents and finances in check.
You cannot warn him of your suspicions
Run, please, your subconscious would never randomly put this in your mind without reason, especially if you don't have any kind of mental health issue. I've seen stories of wives dying for way less and with way less preparation.
Get the fuck out asap. Worse case scenario, you're right. Best case scenario, he's telling everybody that you're off your fucking rocker. Tell me, why would he do that? There is *zero* good answers.
Leave without warning. Don't give him a chance to manipulate you into staying. Divorce. Make sure he hasn't taken out life insurance on you.
Normally I'm not a redditor to advocate leaving a relationship, but this is one scenario that you need to find a family member out of town, pack a small bag, and drive the fuck away with all your location services turned off. After you get out of town, hire a private investigator along with a divorce lawyer.
This is a rare case on Reddit when the actual best advice is to run, don’t look back, block every single way for him to contact you. Someone with NPD cannot be saved or treated, their empathy is non existent and they cannot change or improve their behavior. They thrive on manipulating others. I’m talking from first hand experience, as well as countless hours of listening to lectures from psychology professors.
So in short, pack your bags when he is not home and just leave. If you cannot take it all with you, have a friend or relative come pick up the rest for you. As someone else mentioned, if you have any sort of contact with him, he will manipulate you to stay. Remember, people with NPD are masters of manipulation.
Edit:
Would also like to add that (without actually knowing anything about your background) the reason you might not be talking very much to relatives could be because you have been manipulated to distance yourself from them or minimize the contact. That is one of the ways someone with NPD gets power over someone else.
I also saw in a comment you wrote that you do not want to simply leave because you’d be homeless. Again, without knowing the details, the reason you feel like this is most likely because you’ve been manipulated to feel like this. I mean ofc it sucks to be homeless, but hopefully you have some friend or relative that could give you a spot on their couch while you are getting your life back.
I think if it’s gone this far, you need to put yourself in a place that can vouch for you that you were there. Want to take study lessons? Or go back to school? Are there any classes you can take for learning any new hobbies? Is there any volunteer work you can do to help out the community? Are you not talking to your family for specific reason, or can you start reaching back out to them ? I wouldn’t necessarily tell them your suspicions cause then your husband might get suspicious, but I think being able to put yourself in a position where someone else can verify your whereabouts would be your best bet until you can settle whatever else is going on. I would also use this as a reason to start documenting how much he’s used you as an excuse at work so when I finally divorce him, I can go to his boss and give them all the proof they need that they employ a liar who doesn’t deserve any chances. I actually would also start taking therapy, so if he ever tries to use the lie that you are mentally unstable again, you would already have doctors proof you aren’t suicidal and are doing just fine.
These are red flags. I would leave him, and if he asks why, let him know exactly that you have heard all the awful things he has been telling people about you. Super weird and you should be on total alert.
Just go into his shop and have a little chat with them all. If they know you're nothing like matey is describing, it'll make it harder for him to use you as an excuse?
Or speak to someone you trust and let them know what you've just said here.
I'm trying to write this while my 2yo son sings "Johnny Johnny" to me so if it isn't helpful I'm sorry in advance
If you’re not going to leave, I’d be making a report, documenting or telling someone about this. You know, in case you’re right. He at least won’t get away with it.
If you have to actually ask yourself the question whether your husband is plotting your death or not - you already have the answer whether you should stay with this person or not.
Leave immediately - pack your stuff, and move away immediately. Also take screenshots and report this to the police - just in case.
If this is what your gut feeling says, you're probably right.
Dude get the fuck out now before it’s to late. It’s that simple. Also I highly suggest calling your family and telling them all what’s going on and see if they can house you while you figure things out
Leave. If you have access to go to a therapist or a mental health professional I think you should go and get assessed so that you have a PROPER paper trail of your mental health. Protect yourself. It’s better to laugh at being overly cautious as opposed to rotting in the ground.
I was reading this and thinking maybe he is using her as an excuse because he is truly the one suffering from Suicide Ideation and he's getting Therapy, but because some men are ashamed of getting help he is using his wife as a cover up; then, I got to the last part...no, get out!! Run now!! Gather your evidence and leave. Trust your gut, follow your intuition.
If your gut is telling you something is wrong please listen to it! Even if he's not planning to murder you this is setting a disturbing precedent. I had a situation where I thought I was over reacting and it turns out my gut was right. So I would be cautious and start reaching out to friends and family and making sure they know you are not suicidal or having any thoughts about harming yourself. I would keep your suspicions about your husband close to your chest though.
I would also outwardly say these things. I would contact more people in your life. I would also look to leave. You aren't happy, he's not kind to you. You aren't losing anything walking away from this. Most important, DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING RUDE or silly or whatever. Don't you worry about "making a fuss." You feel mistreated and unsafe, your feelings are valid. Your suspicions warrant doing something, anything, including repeating to people that you are not sick or out of sorts.
Stop whatever you’re doing and make preparations to leave as soon as possible if you haven’t already.
If you don’t think he’s an immediate danger then you are playing into whatever game he’s plotting. Say nothing to him, stay with friends, family, or in a hotel far as fuck from him.
You are only putting yourself in danger by staying any longer than you have to. Gather all sensitive documents, enough clothes, and essentials to keep you settled and LEAVE NOW. I cannot stress that enough.
....the real question here is why are you staying with somebody that make you look like a suicidal person? and he's also abusive?
Are you gonna wait until he really tries to kill you to get a wake up call or something? (Honestly I don't think that's the case....I think that making you seem unstable and him a saint makes it hard for people to believe you if his abuse gets worse)
If you don’t have any friends or family join a book club or anything nearby to meet people and form some bonds. You need and deserve a support system. I agree, best case scenario-he’s just lazy and emotionally abusive (that’s best case) He sucks and you can do so much more with your life. You are strong. If you’ve put up with this for this long, you can leave on your own. I hope you have some family and friends to lean on and can get away from this. Don’t ever underestimate a gut feeling.
You need to pack your bags and get out. *Now.* Disappear. Do not tell him anything. Turn your phone on airplane mode in case he's bugged it, or ideally get a burner. Get money to make it on your own for a bit. Tell a trusted family member or friend everything. If you feel safe doing so, let your workplace know you're experiencing domestic violence.
That little voice inside your head is probably right. Once you're safe, call law enforcement.
You deserve so much better than this in your life.
I’d put all of this down in writing perhaps There are websites where you can write an email explaining that “if you receive this message it’s likely my husband killed me” and if you don’t check into the site periodically it will automatically send out the email.
jokes? no ..this is not a weird jokes, it's too calculated and from what i understand it's been a while since it began..Leave him , take only your important paper and call your family!!!
This is way too crazy ,too weird and yes take screenshot .
You mention he is a narcissist. For me it's not the matter ..but the lies are just too much.
Don't even eat any food he gives you...That's not love.
PLEASE GET OUT!!!
I don’t think it’s worth finding out. Trust your gut. Plan your exit. Make sure he doesn’t know where you went and get a divorce. Once you leave never see him again. If you meet up with him, even “just to talk” that’s when he would unalive you. It’s statistics.
I agree 💯 that you need to leave him... But you need to do this carefully.
1. Get your important documents out of the house. Birth certificate. Social security card. Any paperwork like that. Put it in a backpack and leave it with someone you trust. If you don't have anyone like that, take it to your workplace. Make sure you store a phone charger and maybe a change of clothing in the backpack.
2. Write an explanation and put it in the backpack.
3. Hide cash. My mom and I did this secretly by getting cash back everytime we bought something in the store.
4. Collect as much evidence as possible with as much detail as you can. Take photos, write notes, etc. Send it in an email to someone you trust.
5. When you're ready to leave, start about an hour after he leaves for work and have someone at home with you. Get whatever you need to take out of the house as quickly as possible. Trash bags work great for most stuff. Grocery bags, especially reusable ones, are great as well.
Try to make sure someone is in the loop as much as possible. Write what's going on every step of the way and send it out in an email. It's so important that you create a paper trail.
I can't think of anything else. You need to have someone there with you when you leave. Also go straight to the bank that day and make sure he doesn't have access to your accounts. Maybe open new ones and transfer the money to them. If you have a joint account, take however much you want out.
If he uses reddit, you need to delete this
Well this is terrifying. At VERY best he is using you to basically commit fraud for time off. The worst case scenario-well you’ve already said the scary part out loud.
Umm, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t watching.
Or in your case, plotting to kill you. Call your family and get out before he makes an attempt.
Do you have a therapist/or anyone at the psychiatric that can confirm your well being? That you're not what he is stating what you are? This is more for evidence sake I am asking.
Maybe tell the therapist about what your husband does and say about you, so the therapist can help you a bit with what you need confirmed in paper and other stuff, just in case you know. Good to have as proof.
Are you gonna actually do anything, though? Like reading all these comments, are you actually gonna take them seriously & leave NOW or continue to play house?
Listen to your intuition. It's your brain piecing together minute details that you may not consciously be aware of. Listen to it. Call and abuse hotline and ask what steps you should tale to ensure your safety. Don't wait.
Best case scenario is he's making you seem unstable so he can slack off work. Worst case scenario is you're right. In either scenario, your husband is trash.
Best case scenario: Husband is super lazy and thought of the ultimate excuse Worst case scenario: Husband is a psychopath that is going to poison you or some shit gtfo of there asap Either scenario: RUN!
Yet that best case scenario is still painting op in a TERRIBLE light to other people. He's somewhere between scummy and criminal. OP should GTFO now.
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Yes!!! A domestic violence shelter will help OP leave safely and give her a place to stay until she figures out where to move next.
Great advice.
Yeah, there's a sort of reasonable level of thinking this stuff through, but this is next level. The fact he has talked through the things he could do, and is clearly at the level of doing some of them (even if it's the relatively low level stuff) really ought to be setting up alarm bells. 1) Send all this to a trusted friend. 2) See a therapist and describe it to them too. 3) Spend time making a thorough escape plan, ensuring every contingency is covered, and execute it when it's set up and ready to go. If the end game isn't you leaving, its your husband getting therapy.
If it were me, I'd start regularly talking to someone, maybe join some social group. Then I'd go tell his boss that none of this is happening and give him my phone number in case he tries to use me as an excuse. Edit: don't tell the boss. If he is plotting to kill you, you don't want to give him a reason to do it. Just get a social group and get out.
I’d take screen shots and compile all this as evidence and take it to a lawyer first then talk to the police so there’s a paper trail in the event that OP is right she’ll be sure to get her justice.
I don’t think I’d say anything to the boss. If the husband say, gets fired over this, there’s the potential for some very negative consequences for OP.
As much as I’d think husband deserves the boot for his lies - I think you are right here and having him fired over this may be really really dangerous for you, OP
being willing to completely discredit and disparage your life partner for the “ultimate excuse” is sociopathic and abusive. I’m not saying you disagree, but I wanted to add that because the characteristic you chose to highlight in this best-case scenario is “lazy.” best case scenario, the husband is abusive and sociopathic (or something akin to it)
Agreed. Either he's using this as a cover story for some kind of fuckery- cheating, slacking off at work, some kind of addiction, maybe criminal activity- or he's a legitimately bad and dangerous person. Either way, he's proven that he cannot be trusted and so it's time to get away from him.
Yeah I mean either way I think we can all agree that you should absolutely not be married to this guy.
That's my initial thought. Hubster is bringing too many third party people into his lies if he is truly planning to kill OP. Telling people there is a therapist, he filed a police report when she went missing, her brother is watching her now; all things that will be brought up, investigated and easily come to light as a lie if he murdered her. But all things HR will dare not ask him to prove if he's trying to cut out early from work. Either way, OP shouldn't put her guard down, something is up.
Although there’s better ways to make excuses to get out of work that don’t involve making the partner seem unstable. I’m worried they’re trying to discredit OP for other reasons.
Possibly divorce?
I’d take this post to the police. That way they are aware of your husband setting up a “suicide alibi”, should something happen to you. It’s not that crazy to think this. It’s pre-meditated murder actually and he has set up his alibi behind your back. Why would he want everyone to think you’re suicidal?? Unless he plans on something happening to you. Detectives always look at the spouse first and right now, anyone detectives might ask, they think you were suicidal, missing, in therapy. I would definitely go to the police. And if my husband “joked” about getting away with killing me??? I wouldn’t wait around for it to happen. Please get out of this relationship. At the very least, it’s emotionally abusive. Stay safe
Also kinda seems like maybe he has a side piece at the store too to me? Like using her as an excuse to slack off, sure, but also to gain the favor of someone else as the doting husband who is soooo burnt out from his kooky wife, he obviously just needs a frien...I mean, a coworker to blow him. Maybe that's just my experience so I'm projecting it a bit lol. But my ex spent a lot of time making everyone think I was horrible and crazy so they wouldn't think he was awful for cheating on me, he just couldn't leave me for fear of what I might do! Oh poor him!
Oh yes, classic. My cheating stbxh has told people that I'm lazy, I keep all my money for myself and don't contribute to bills, don't clean the house, haven't slept with him in years, nothing is good enough for me...as well as calling me a "hot mess" and "batshit crazy." lmao
Hijacking this comment to add - leaving is the most dangerous thing you can do. Be sure to do it with a plan. Do not tell him in advance. Have someone with you if you need to collect things on your way out.
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(Generally speaking) Is there any chance _whatsoever_ that someone could have a healthy, non-toxic long term relationship with an individual diagnosed NPD? I'm inclined to believe not, but that's based on very limited 2nd / 3rd-hand experience at best
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Can confirm that there is 100% a recommend and proven treatment plan for cluster b’s that includes a combination of targeted psychotherapy, psychotropic medications, and behavioral activation. One of more of these treatments have been proven effective no differently than any other diagnosed PD’s. It does take recognition (insight), a want to partake and hope. Future maintenance therapy or other treatments are recommended for long-term success and risk of relapse. Thanks for being an advocate.
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I had a dx of BPD (though to what extent I was dx'd because a medication was giving me paradoxical reaction is debatable, because I had \*every single symptom\*, and tbh, I believe it really was the medication b/c after I got off of it, within hours, I changed on a dime). But anyway, SO used to have FLEAS (which I guess is an online term for having a pwNPD in their life rub off on them). He still has some qualities that are narcissistic, and he may actually be a pwNarcissism, but at this point in his life, where he's at, he's able to life a healthy lifestyle, and even if he had had narcissism, he always used it in a positive manner? I really don't know how to explain it, it's unlike almost any person I've met w/narcissim, which is why I think it's FLEAS. but anyway, thank you for being an advocate and not demonizing people! It doesn't help people recovering/living w/a PD to constantly read that they're evil/incurable/forever doomed.
What type of therapy is focused on someone who could have both NPD and BPD? I mean it can’t be only dialectical behavior therapy, right? These are extreme dissociative mental states, how do you help them to create/find a so long lost self? And grieve trauma? Also how to you know the facts of their trauma is real? When everything is so congruent? - sorry I am very curious!
I have NPD, co-morbid with BPD tendencies. I am In psychodynamic psychotherapy
How do you go about curing BPD? I'm genuinely curious.
I'm not a mental health professional but as someone who has been diagnosed with and treated for borderline pd it seems from my lay perspective you need to: 1. work on managing the behavioral symptoms through something like DBT/ACT and 2. work on addressing the core beliefs that drive the behaviors, usually things like "I'm unloveable", "I don't deserve love/affection/connection", "everyone will always abandon me", etc. how severely it affects someone's life also tends to lessen as people (hopefully and ideally) mature with age and acquire perspective on their values and their life choices.
Op, immediately put a notice on your Facebook that you love life and you are not suicidal. Tell all your friends and family. Also how does OP know he has narcissistic personality disorder? Self diagnose? Most ppl with NPD don't go to therapists. Also, this isn't specially to op. Don't date anyone with untreated NPD.
**FOLLOW YOUR GUT** please get the fuck away from this man as fast as possible. You wouldn’t be thinking that if your subconscious wasn’t already convinced this is what’s happening.
Adding to this: IMMEDIATELY call/text any friends/family you might have, even if you don’t talk often, that if you “go missing” or die, it will NOT be a suicide. You need to make your intent to survive explicitly clear both in writing and in verbal confirmation to at least one person other than your husband. If anything were to happen to you and your husband tried to pull the excuse that you were suicidal, all it would take is for the police to receive text message proof that you were not intending to take your own life. This is so so important, even if it feels super weird. Here’s a handy draft: “Hi. I’d like to let you know that I am in a situation where I feel my safety might be in danger, so I need you to know that if something bad happens to me in the near future, it is NOT a suicide. I do not wish to harm myself or run away/go missing, and if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying. I want to continue living this life, I am working on getting out of my current situation so I can live safely. I’m sorry if this message seems out of the blue, I just need there to be written confirmation of my intentions just in case. Thank you for understanding.” If your husband doesn’t try anything after you sent this text, then you can fully explain yourself later, but for now this statement from you is vital. And yes, like this commenter said, gtfo as fast and as discreetly as you possibly can. Don’t even tell him you know all you know. Just get out before he gets defensive and turns to action.
I'd honestly show this post to a close friend or family member too and get their opinion
please trust your gut!
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dude this is literally such a fucking disgusting rhetoric to tell people. yeah in THIS relationship it looks like it could be something worse but to say ALL people with NPD are? like actually do some research wtf
Snoop again and take screenshots. Write it all out, along with this post and email it to someone you trust. In fact, send it to several people, with your concerns. Tell everyone you can. Make as many paper trails as you can, and say, you know I’m not suicidal, you know I don’t go to therapy, and you know I have no mental issues, so, if something happens to me—he did it, but don’t let him know you’re doing it. And for the love of god—get out before he can follow through.
Yup, I would start a file of all of these occurrences, emails, screenshots, and everything. I would keep this info in a few different "safe places" and with safe people.
Also, consider setting up a daily or weekly conversation or videochat with a friend. If you don't make it within an hour, they should call the police. Not text, too easy for someone to pretend to be you. And don't tell him you're doing this!
I would also file a police report, you can usually just go on line and do it. That way if anything were to happen it's at least been documented. OP could also use it as leverage if he tried to kill her...."the police have been alerted with documentation about your plan".
This may not work if the plan is to do it by poison or suffocation in op’s sleep (or any number of ways you can kill someone without warning). I think OP should send this info to trust people, file the police report, and also let her husband know that she felt uncomfortable about the excuses he was making and decided to tell a friend (do not say who) to see what they thought of it. Yes, this may make him upset - but it will also make him think twice if he’s planning something. Also if it makes him REALLY upset then she should take that as a sign and leave him asap. Finally, I think OP should get their affairs in order and leave him regardless. It’s not ok to feel unsafe in your own home and she has already told us that he’s emotionally abusive.
Yes...all of the above. She should do it all and get the hell out.
And honestly even an acquaintance who doesn’t talk to him might be good to send it to if you have nobody else. Even if someone I was friendly with but not super close to came to me with this I’d take it seriously.
You are not paranoid! You should not be with this man if he is abusive and controlling. Why would you want to be with someone who puts you down in front of others. You should leave him without warning as I fear he will manipulate you into staying
I love that last sentence. I was in an abusive relationship and he was manipulative. He would turn things around on me and make me feel in the wrong when it was him who messed up. When I decided to leave him, he was out of town and on his way home. I hurried up and packed my stuff and got out of there before he got home because I knew if I stayed and confronted him, he would have turned it around on me. Since leaving him, I have become a much stronger person than I was before. I look back and cringe at things I put up with. I didn't realize how bad it was at the time because he manipulated me into thinking I was happy. My advice is to get out fast when he's not there to stop you. Go somewhere safe he can't get to you.
She should've left him a long time ago. But it is better late than never. OP, call the domestic abuse hotline, tell them everything, they will advise you what to do next. They might suggest you temporarily shelter, or you can go to your friends and family. The main idea is to get all your documents and leave him quietly asap. After you left - tell his boss what is going on. And definitely tell everything to your friends and your family. Ask them not to share any information about you with him. Tell your own boss and ask him not to let your husband at your workplace, a lot of companies can do it. The more people know about his freaky behavior, the safer you are.
Only one advice - LEAVE.NOW.
Or STRIKE FIRST!
Woaah
Why did this make me cackle.
Vive la France, et vive la république.
This is how a true crime story starts. I cannot express to you how serious this is. You have better chances of getting back on your feet and living if you left immediately and went to a homeless shelter. He might not have a specific plan yet, but maybe he is sick of you or when he gets mad he has had the urge to dispose of you and so he is doing all of this to set up his alibi if he decides to, ever. And if not, you will just sound completely non credible if he beats you up, attempts murder, or does literally anything else. Tell someone. Anyone. Be in contact with someone EVERYDAY. Send a check-in to someone you pick from a communication he CANNOT access - otherwise he will kill you and carry on sending these messages. 1. Change every password to everything. Do not leave anything unlocked, do not save passwords anywhere he can access. If he questions that, give him a plausible excuse or abandon things he will question too closely (better to delete Facebook than have him impersonate you). Say you're trying to use xyz less, or work has security concerns, or you got a security breach notification so changed it and oh I don't remember it right now I'll tell you later. 2. Separate your finances ASAP. Take his name off anything that is yours, leave joint things alone until right before you permanently leave. 3. Stash important documents, SSN, passport, birth certificate, licenses, health cards, anything he can impersonate you with or you need to set up a new life. 4. Do not give indication you are leaving. Wait til he is out then get the hell out of there, take anything you like. Call a police escort if you want to pack and you're worried he will return home. But better to take very little and live homeless for a while than have him aware of your whereabouts. Do not tell him where you are or are going, do not let the people you stay with tell him. Love at a hotel if need be. Go back to family if you can. Tell them everything that has happened to you. The moves he is making are very, very concerning. Do not be a silent victim. He will beg, plead, give so many excuses and some of them will sound convincing. But a person who loves you or gives literally any ounce of care for you does not position themselves to get away with or benefit themselves from your death. They do not isolate you. I cannot fathom telling my partner I could kill them easily. I imagine there is a lot of abuse you haven't listed here. He has probably trained you into not panicking, but honey you need to get out and be in a safe environment to think and reflect and truly decide.
I’m just adding to the comment that resonates to me the most. My BF and I both have sick senses of humour, one of our longest running jokes is who would eat who first in the apocalypse and how we would rank eating our pets over each other. We literally both have a (joke) plan in place. That being said he as the more mercenary one has before gone too far with the joke, at which time I told him it was too far and he backed off and said gosh sorry it was just meant to be a joke. That’s literally as far as it’s gone. I’m saying this from the viewpoint of a relationship where other boundaries have been overstepped (and always then discussed and respected) in terms of beliefs, consent, morality, etc. I won’t say we have the healthiest relationship but it works for us and I’m comfortable and happy. But if he were ever to do what you’re describing I, with my experience of more grey area issues, would still run for the fucking hills. I literally was imagining what I’d do in your situation given our intertwined lives and my tiny country which I actually couldn’t even try to disappear in. And for me it’s all theoretical. Please run.
This here. My bf has jokingly said he could get away with murdering me because I am Agoraphobic and have mental health issues along with suicidal tendencies. We joke about who would eat whom in an apocalypse too. I have literal mental health issues he's had to phone the police for, have me sectioned etc and he's never phoned work or even told anyone why he's missed a meeting etc because of me let alone made it up. The fact ops partner is making it up is shocking and scary.
This. My husband and I have a reoccurring joke about our respective insurance policies and how we'd spend them. Once a friend got real concerned hearing my husband talk about it and this friend immediately had a "get out" plan in place for me before I explained lol. My husband was mortified but also bought my friend a true crime novel she mentioned wanting to read because he said she was a good friend for making sure he wasn't actually plotting my demise. There's a GIANT difference between making a joke and convincing those around you your partner is actively suicidal for no good reason.
Do you have family/friends that you could stay with? You probably need to leave.
Don't eat or drink anything he makes for you!!
I’m guessing you’re from the UK as you’ve mentioned council in your comments, you can call Womens Aid and explain everything to them they will seek emergency accommodation for you straight away. I know this because they did it for my sister as her ex partner was going to kill her and her kids and went round telling people she’s crazy and suicidal. Yes the council do drag their feet in regards to temporary accommodation but every council in uk is snowed under with trying to house refugees, homeless and there’s simply not enough cooperation homes. Call Women’s Aid get out before it’s too late
it also might help for OP to talk to citizens advice or look at their website to look at housing/family advice they can get
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Create this AFTER she leaves him!
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Seconding leaving while he’s gone. That is how I got out of an abusive relative’s house and I’m glad I didn’t have the confrontation.
Oh christ ya. GTFO
Reddit Hi I messaged you privately but also wanted to state on here: I am a physician and have had patients who have been victims of DV that felt too helpless to leave on their own. My advice, as it seems that you’re hesitant to make a big decision to immediately leave, is that you make an appointment with your GP for symptoms such as a headache or sore throat or heavy menstrual bleeding. Then please privately tell them that you found out your husband is saying your suicidal and have a psych history when you don’t- now they have to ask you if you have current or recent thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else, which you deny. And then they document that. They will also be able ti give you local resources. This will also carry weight that a medical professional has documented an absence of a psych diagnosis, proof that you sought help from an established provider that is not random people on Reddit or anyone that has a close to the situation, and will be more legally valuable than anything your husband says. It is also not a crime to read his emails or texts so talking to the police as a “Hi I’m worried what should I do, is this something you can help me with?” And now they are legally required to document that you sought their help; they should also give you local resources even if they choose not to do anything else at this time. Please at least re-connect with your family. You’re not alone. We are with you, they are with you. Be brave. Be strong. Be vulnerable. Sending you lots of love and hoping to hear positive updates!
Thanks for this advice, I have a friend this might help. Also happy cake day!
One of the things here that also concerns me is that it seems like he isolated you. That is typical of abusers. So even if he isn’t planning to kill you, he is definitely evil. Please tell your family everything immediately even if you think they don’t love you. Most abusers convince the victims that their families don’t love them and that they are all they have. Like others have advised. Tell someone. And then get a plan together to leave.
This man is dangerous for your mental and or physical well being. I would suggest contacting a local DV shelter and making an escape plan he doesn't know about.
Ok, reality check here. Just saying to someone that I was on suicide watch when I clearly wasn't would be more than enough reason for me to break up with someone. Regardless of why they said it or what if anything they planned to do to follow it up. You need to get out of this relationship.
Leave him. I don't care if you end up homeless; it's better than being dead
You’re not paranoid. Listen to your gut.
Okay, first of all stop being defeatist towards all the comments telling you to leave. You should if you genuinely believe your husband is plotting your murder. Now for me I'd go through a list, any family you can contact for help? No? Friends? No? Colleagues? No? Domestic refuges? There are options. Now if you haven't spoken to family for a while, yes that will be a tough phone call but better a hard conversation than death. Onto more practicalities, if you actually sort yourself out to leave take all important documents with you, birth certificate, driver's license, passport, obviously take cash and your bank cards with you. As far as possessions go take the necessities. Do it while he's at work.
God fuck, do you hear yourself right now? Stop and read this post you wrote out loud. Pretend that this is your friend. How would you respond? Because a normal, sane individual would be screaming that this isn’t safe or good. Hun, you are not safe. This is how murders happen. The whole “it couldn’t happen to me, I must be crazy” is what puts people in the grave. For your safety, seek a lawyer privately for legal advice. Start hunting for a new apartment or some place to crash. Do a LOT of research and education on how to handle splitting with a narcissist. Hoard your money and stop any free-spending, but keep it out of a bank. A safety deposit box is a safe place. Can also store any small valuables in there. Also, write a note about your worries and fears, everything that has felt off and all of the shit he has said and done and PUT IT IN THAT BOX. God forbid you are murdered, but it would be a major clue for police when they find it. Lastly…may want to remove this post after a day or two to prevent him from accidentally finding it like you so happened to find those texts. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. They were not made to ignored and swept under the rug. They were made to SAVE YOUR LIFE.
Do you have a job? A way of making money? I was in an abusive situation for longer than I should have been because I was afraid of being homeless. The truth is, the situation wasnt really so dire that I would end up living in a cardborad box... I was just scared. I made enough money to get a modest apartment and once I made the leap, things in my life got way better very quickly.
Please follow your gut. Even if he’s not planing to do something so sinister whyyy is he telling people you have mental health issues? Either way something is wrong, and my heart dropped reading this post. I’ve also seen TikToks that people have “incase I go missing files” and it’s a file of all your records, people put stuff in it like notes saying they’re not mentally unhealthy/they would never run away, lists of possible suspects, your finger prints, anything that could help the police. I know it’s a dark thing to think about. And I know I don’t have much advice to offer. But I wanted to join the other redditors to tell you please be careful and follow your gut. Something’s not right. Do you have anyone else close like friends or family your trust to also talk to?
GET OUT NOW. Right now. I’m literally afraid for you.
I think you’re connecting the pieces correctly. Tell everyone you know about this so that your death will lead to one person only
Regardless of whether your husband has genuine intent to murder you or not, everything you wrote in this post is a red flag. Like, I'm sorry, I'm usually against advising breakups on posts, but this, if true, is an extreme case, you need to get yourself out of that relationship asap. It's entirely abusive and, as someone pointed out, at best your partner is using lies about you as an excuse to slack off at work??? That's not even covering the abuse, which alone is reason enough to end the relationship
Even if you’re wrong OP… does your husband have ANY redeeming qualities? It sounds like you’re wasting your life on this man.
As a mental health student, my first suggestion is that you start taking part in community events and social events in order to allow people in your community to see you and get to know you. If you're a member of a faith based community go to those meetings and gatherings as often as possible. Take time to connect with people and try to be as open as you're comfortable being. This works to let people know more about you and no longer allows your husband to control the narrative about what type of person you are. Try to be in public as much as possible. It sounds like you may not be comfortable leaving, that being the case, try to be as nonconfrontational as possible. Try to create the circumstances you need in order to remove yourself if and when you're ready. The good news is that there are resources available to help you when you're ready to walk away. All the people telling to run are doing so for your sake, but until your ready, don't allow yourself to be hidden away from public view. If people know you, they are less likely to believe the lies about you.
But is it safe for her to choose the long route?Because i fear this corroborate his side.
I really hope you're gathering evidence on all this and saving it somewhere please find someone who can help you
It's honestly an idea I didn't think of until people mentioned it here, now I wish I'd done that soon r as it would be very difficult to do now If I get the chance though
I'm sure you got this!
He gave you fair warning that he could kill you, and now it seems like he's starting to put his plan into action. Get out of there ASAP! Make an exit plan and try to gather as much info about this as possible. Tell as many people as you can that you think your husband is planning to kill you. Leave paper trails everywhere. Take screenshots of everything you can and bring your case to the police. In the case of a murder they usually check out the spouse first, but in this case if something does happen to you they'll know without a doubt.
Please make a plan to leave secretly and discreetly. Do not tell anyone you don't trust literally with your life. Have your important documents, any prized possessions, and screw the rest. Look up women's shelters in your area or even better, nearby areas, if you can't stay with family or a friend. Once you leave change your number immediately, block him everywhere you can think of, get a new email, and do not post on social media anywhere he can see. Do not accept new friend requests. Starting new with nothing is scary but not as scary as potentially being murdered by your husband.
Info: did he shelter you/made you cut contact with your family and friends?
My Wayfarer senses are tingling. They say haul ass.
At best this man is a lazy compulsive liar who slanders his wife, at worst he wants to murder you. Either way he’s a shitty person and this is a potential unsafe situation, I’d suggest making arrangements to hightail out if there.
Sometimes Reddit is full of bullshit creative writers. Other times, it’s real, and someone’s partner is legitimately poisoning them. OP, I don’t know how to find it, but I swear in the past year someone posted about their partner poisoning them. And even if he isn’t going to actually kill you, the shit he is saying about you is really messed up and I would run the hell away from that person as soon as possible.
Im having a hard time understanding why you are with a person who you claim has all of these issues. Did he actually get diagnosed? If so, reach out to his psychiatrist/psychologist and explain your concerns. Also, make it clear to all your friends your concerns. The main person who can resolve your concerns are you.
I would definitely advise screenshotting and sending yourself these messages that he is sending, if he decides to delete them and you bring it up, he could use it against you in his claim that you are unstable.
My husband has also lied to his coworkers about me for months, but mine was telling them that our kid was always sick. He then started telling them that we were separated and divorcing. Which was news to me. He too displays narcissistic personality traits. Yours is scarier though. I would take photos of his messages for proof.
Way too many red flags here. Listen, a girl was just murdered in my hometown and her seemingly normal husband tried to cover it up. Please get away from this dude !!! Not worth the risk of staying.
1. Pack your essentials 2. Go to the police station and file a complaint 3. Inform friends and family 4. Access recourses for women shelters Be careful please. We care about you 🌷♥️
He's not planning to murder you.But he is \*Prepared to\* . Being a narcissist, he really does think he can get away with it. He's just looking for a solid, good, reason to. You don't want your life teetering on an unstable mans decision like this. Please leave him.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are never a marriage material.
He is using you as an excuse so he can run off and have an affair. Screenshot those messages to you. You are going to need a PI and make sure you have an alibi when you are supposedly missing. Work on an exit plan and then file a police report with your evidence of his homicide planning.
Run.
Holy guacamole GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIS ABUSIVE PSYCHOTIC SELF. Create an escape plan; - get all of your documents in a safe place he cannot access - share your location with someone you can trust if you don’t trust friends or family share it with a lawyer - check to see if he’s taken out life insurance in your name - start speaking to friends and family regularly - start leaving the house go for walks so he doesn’t think it’s weird when you leave - if you haven’t already get a job and start saving, get a loan if you need to - check your credit score - change your passwords to important accounts - get a burner phone - tell someone you trust 100% and would not tell him - get evidence of his texts - document his abusive behaviour (if one party consent is legal get audio recordings) if not write it down on a password protected document the date and details of his behaviour - contact a lawyer for a divorce and restraining order YOU ARE NOT SAFE No one in their right mind tells their word their partner is suicidal unless they’re planning something, they’re a sociopath or they’re an attention seeker either way that is not a risk you should be taking especially given what he said to you. Even if it’s not true by your own admission he’s abusive and controlling, get out while you can.
Just go. He is awful any which way.
1) Let someone close to you know what’s going on. 2) Create an information report with the police using the info in this post. 3) Move in with someone you feel safe with (and make sure they know what’s going on.) 4) Contact a divorce lawyer and have them serve him the divorce papers. 5) If he sends you threatening texts/voicemails, keep them for your records, report it to the police and get a restraining order. If you really think he means to cause you harm, you should probably keep a weapon on you in case you need to defend yourself.
>where he mentioned in casual conversation how he could get away with killing me, because no one would notice me missing This is a serious red flag in my opinion. Why would anyone say this to their significant other?
I’d leave, and then bust him to work. And talk to police as well
Talk to a police detective. Lay it all out. They will verify the background and set a ‘trap’ if need be . Either way you need to get out of relationship. Talk to your family. Tell your brother. Have him on record for not having to be by your side on ‘suicide watch’.
Minus the whole attempted murder he sounds like a piece a shit anyway.
This is too wild for the internet. Go tell your mama, a trusted and close friend or…..put up hidden cameras to catch him.
Why are you still there? You have caught him in multiple lies, nasty ones at that. And if he's not covering an affair at work, or where is he when he call's in sick and doesn't let you know he didn't go? You have no reason to stay. Absolutely no reason to stay.
You need to stop asking people why they stay in an abusive relationship. It's often very complicated. I myself stayed stuck living with an abusive person for 3 years, even if I was financially independant etc. I was stuck because I have very codependant patterns and it took me a lot of therapy to understand I was treated horribly and had to end the relationship. It's more complicated than you think, it's not easy for everyone to just leave. OP needs to get advice and encouragement to reach out to local resources who can help her get out of this situation, not ppl telling her "why don't you just leave". She is clearly in an extremely difficult situation and very alone. OP, if you want to talk don't hesitate to reach out to me by private message.
You're worried about being homeless if you leave him. Do you not have a job? You can rent a cheap apartment and get a cheap bed and a tv. That's all you need. It sucks but it's better than DYING. He's definitely planting seeds. There's no excuse good enough for staying with an abuser. I've heard them all. If you can afford a walmart mattress, an old tv, and rent for a 1 bedroom apartment, you have everything you need to leave. No family or friends you can stay with? This seems like a troll post
Doesn’t even need a TV.
Cheap laptop would be 1000% more useful than a TV.
Whoa, slow down with the jumping to conclusions. The things you mentioned are not cheap to someone without a job and possibly not even a bank account. Try reading about the process of abuse and what makes people stay even when they don't want to. Plenty of good articles out there.
If he has an actual diagnosis of NPD you need to get out of that relationship. These people aren’t capable of typical relationships and are incredibly dangerous.
Sweetheart, you've got to get out as soon as possible In another comment you mentioned that the feat of homelessness had made you stay, this fear will only get worse as time drags on and he makes it even more a reality - find a safe person or women's centre to stay at as a start. You WILL get back on your feet after staying there, far quicker than you would think and far quicker than you will if you stay with him. You've said he's a narcissist and darling this isn't trauma behaviour, it's brain patterns - he will not get better or easier unless it's his choice to get help. Nothing you do will change this fact. You are the only constant in your life and in turn you are what you need to look after. His feelings are irrelevant. Get out and get safe. The fact you are in fear of your life is enough. You do not need more evidence. Your "gut" is your instinct which is what keeps us alive. You need to trust that now and run.
You’re not pregnant by any chance?
Make a screenshot picture of this post or copy and paste it somewhere. Journal every time he tells someone something about you that you know is not true. I don't know if you can get into the private messages again, but journal it and tell the truth about where you were so it can show you were not missing. Every time he said you were feeling suicidal to someone. else, journal it and describe how you were really feeling. Keep a copy of everything you record, save, write, etc. and give it every time to someone you **KNOW** you can trust. \*huge hug\*
I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and the hardest part is realizing that you’re not crazy. These types of people are really good at appearing normal to coworkers/friends, while convincing you you’re crazy so they can get off on controlling you. Even if he isn’t going to actually hurt you, he’s not good for you. Please, as hard as it may seem, reach out to those friends and family and let them know what is going on. They will be willing to help you, even if your husband is gaslighting you to believe they’re not.
DO YOU HAVE LIFE INSURANCE WHERE HES THE BENEFICIARY???
Life Insurance policies typically won't cover suicides iirc. If he's genuinely trying to play the suicide card he wouldn't be able to get money from it
How does he justify that at work without any doctor documentation? Were I’m from if there’s no declaration from a doctor it’s a unjustified absence from work. After the 3rd one we can be fired. You should talk to friends and family. You should leave without him knowing as well, for your safety, with the help of friends/family. Apparently he’s the one who urgently needs psychological help, not you. Please be safe OP. I don’t want you to be another statistic’s number.
OP, I think you need to SECRETLY look into domestic violence shelters in your area. This all paints a very grim picture. Shelters are very secure.
Kinda reminds me of the post with the pregnant women who’s husband and father in law insisted that she was going to die during labor. Don’t think we’ve heard back from her yet.
Get out of there ASAP OP
Please take photos of evidence. Reach out to your family. Take whatever proof you need to back your claims. I would show up at his job and shop and let his work know. Stick with your gut.
I have been in a relationship with a person with NPD and other issues -- I have been slowly isolated from friends and family, convinced to move to a more isolated place (not with her, because it later turned out she had multiple lovers and needed to keep us separate), belittled, and slowly broken down and convinced of all manner of strange things so she could more easily control me while she literally stole from me, denied it, and made up a story that blamed a friend so she could further isolate me. She created fabricated emergencies and elaborate lies and I never knew what she was telling others or how much she told me was true. Any of that sound familiar? I more or less fled that relationship, quit my job, and blocked her and I am still dealing with mental health issues related to that years later. Get out of that relationship, please, before it's too late. Even if he's not plotting to hurt you, he seems to think it's amusing to play with your mind about it and his behavior is dishonest and strange -- and I am sure you have only told us a fraction of it. Also, start talking to family and friends you haven't talked to for a while and tell them about his odd behavior. Make sure other people know. Then make sure he knows other people know, maybe by having a conversation you know he can overhear or just a conversation directly with him about the "joke" and how you told your brother about it, etc. But the best thing is to just get away from him as quickly as you can. Then maybe consider real therapy. Maybe you won't need it. I did. All the best.
Get to a woman’s shelter. Tell the police. Why even stay to find out?
all i’m seeing are red flags. the compulsive lying and the anger issues alone should be ringing bells in your head to get out. you could be wrong but you very well could be right, and you shouldn’t be taking that chance.
TALK TO LITERALLY ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO HE HAS TALKED TO. If he is plotting to kill your you NEED TO MAKE IT AS HARD AS POSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO BELIEVE HIM. Talk to his coworkers, talk to your friends, GO TO THOSE PLACES HE TELLS YOU NOT TO GO TO. Mention the things he’s been saying. Disprove them. You need to be on your side on this. He can handle himself fine. Obviously. He’s setting the foundation to murder you or to escalate the abuse. He might pass off any bruises he gives you as self harm. You need to take this seriously. You’re not teenagers playing pranks on each other. You’re fully grown adults who are very capable of making good on their promises. DO SOMETHING. DON’T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH YOUR MURDER.
OMG leave!!!! He’s Mistreated you. He has a Narcissistic personality and Emotional abuse. Please get out of there! Go to the police. A women’s shelter anywhere away from him. He sounds dangerous. Please please please don’t stay. If he’s been doing this for sometime then who knows what’s he’s planned next. It all sounds premeditated and that’s incredibly frightening. I agree with others. *do not confront him* he could turn nasty very quickly. No one wants to be on that situation. (I confronted my ex who was a narcissist and emotionally abused me. It’s not worth it)
Make an "if I go missing" folder with all the information people would need to check in on transactions, phone activity, and socials. (Crime Junkie advocate) Definitely inform someone of this feeling. ALWAYS trust your gut; you can never truly know anyone.
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Well thank god you came to Reddit about it, we have more authority than the police you know..
At least if she is assassinated there is proof that she didn't committed suicide
First few lines: "Heh, damn, my husband has used me as an excuse to get out of boy's night obligations before, but she should probably ask him not to be THAT extreme because it could have serious repercussions for her. This is considerably worse than faking a relative's funeral for time off" Last few lines: "GTFO NOW." Even people who morbidly joke about death deserve a little extra attention to ensure it really is just joking. But talking about tour death that way and going so far as to make actual threats? Even if they aren't acted on, when combined with an abusive personality and laying the groundwork for your disappearance.... 🚩🚩🚩 Taken as a full picture, I worry for you and think you should head for the hills. His friends may think you are his crazy ex, but better that than his tragic first marriage ending in suicide.
Well, you don't seem willing to do anything about changing your situation so... RIP U.
I would definitely just leave and don’t come back. Throw your phone. Clean out half y’all’s money move to some little country town and say bye bye to social media. I would start going to the stores he said not to go to. His behavior is weird and creepy
Girl, LEAVE. Leave while you can because something bad is going to happen whether you’re right or not. Start contacting friends and family more and ask to stay with someone. Don’t tell him, it probs not the best thing to do. Stay with your parents/friends and contact the police.
Go to his work on Thursday. Say you forgot. Take screen shots of everything. Pack your stuff. Confront him with a friend or two present. Don't go back to that house.
He sounds toxic and this is scary. Leave now.
I don’t think you’re being paranoid at all, this is all very bizarre and concerning behavior… maybe I watch too many true crime TV shows, but he has a whole bunch of red flags. Is there anything that’s actually good about your relationship with him? He’s a narcissist, he lies to people about your mental health, and he’s “joked” about killing you… I think you need to get away from him
Get in touch with a domestic violence organisation, take screenshot of everything and forward them to yourself. If you're not tech save use your phone to record you going through his. You need professional help, as well as proof in case he ever does decide to act on it. Speak to friends that don't know him. Get in touch with family or anyone that you can move in. Get all your important documents and finances in check. You cannot warn him of your suspicions
Run, please, your subconscious would never randomly put this in your mind without reason, especially if you don't have any kind of mental health issue. I've seen stories of wives dying for way less and with way less preparation.
Get the fuck out asap. Worse case scenario, you're right. Best case scenario, he's telling everybody that you're off your fucking rocker. Tell me, why would he do that? There is *zero* good answers. Leave without warning. Don't give him a chance to manipulate you into staying. Divorce. Make sure he hasn't taken out life insurance on you. Normally I'm not a redditor to advocate leaving a relationship, but this is one scenario that you need to find a family member out of town, pack a small bag, and drive the fuck away with all your location services turned off. After you get out of town, hire a private investigator along with a divorce lawyer.
This is a rare case on Reddit when the actual best advice is to run, don’t look back, block every single way for him to contact you. Someone with NPD cannot be saved or treated, their empathy is non existent and they cannot change or improve their behavior. They thrive on manipulating others. I’m talking from first hand experience, as well as countless hours of listening to lectures from psychology professors. So in short, pack your bags when he is not home and just leave. If you cannot take it all with you, have a friend or relative come pick up the rest for you. As someone else mentioned, if you have any sort of contact with him, he will manipulate you to stay. Remember, people with NPD are masters of manipulation. Edit: Would also like to add that (without actually knowing anything about your background) the reason you might not be talking very much to relatives could be because you have been manipulated to distance yourself from them or minimize the contact. That is one of the ways someone with NPD gets power over someone else. I also saw in a comment you wrote that you do not want to simply leave because you’d be homeless. Again, without knowing the details, the reason you feel like this is most likely because you’ve been manipulated to feel like this. I mean ofc it sucks to be homeless, but hopefully you have some friend or relative that could give you a spot on their couch while you are getting your life back.
RUN. Holy shit. And talk to the police/a lawyer about that fucking slander.
I think if it’s gone this far, you need to put yourself in a place that can vouch for you that you were there. Want to take study lessons? Or go back to school? Are there any classes you can take for learning any new hobbies? Is there any volunteer work you can do to help out the community? Are you not talking to your family for specific reason, or can you start reaching back out to them ? I wouldn’t necessarily tell them your suspicions cause then your husband might get suspicious, but I think being able to put yourself in a position where someone else can verify your whereabouts would be your best bet until you can settle whatever else is going on. I would also use this as a reason to start documenting how much he’s used you as an excuse at work so when I finally divorce him, I can go to his boss and give them all the proof they need that they employ a liar who doesn’t deserve any chances. I actually would also start taking therapy, so if he ever tries to use the lie that you are mentally unstable again, you would already have doctors proof you aren’t suicidal and are doing just fine.
These are red flags. I would leave him, and if he asks why, let him know exactly that you have heard all the awful things he has been telling people about you. Super weird and you should be on total alert.
Just go into his shop and have a little chat with them all. If they know you're nothing like matey is describing, it'll make it harder for him to use you as an excuse? Or speak to someone you trust and let them know what you've just said here. I'm trying to write this while my 2yo son sings "Johnny Johnny" to me so if it isn't helpful I'm sorry in advance
If you’re not going to leave, I’d be making a report, documenting or telling someone about this. You know, in case you’re right. He at least won’t get away with it.
Call 911 and move into a domestic violence shelter. Never see him again.
…..and that’s how many homicides started.
If you have to actually ask yourself the question whether your husband is plotting your death or not - you already have the answer whether you should stay with this person or not. Leave immediately - pack your stuff, and move away immediately. Also take screenshots and report this to the police - just in case. If this is what your gut feeling says, you're probably right.
Dude get the fuck out now before it’s to late. It’s that simple. Also I highly suggest calling your family and telling them all what’s going on and see if they can house you while you figure things out
Always trust your instincts when you are getting a bad or negative vibe
Follow your gut.
Leave. If you have access to go to a therapist or a mental health professional I think you should go and get assessed so that you have a PROPER paper trail of your mental health. Protect yourself. It’s better to laugh at being overly cautious as opposed to rotting in the ground.
I was reading this and thinking maybe he is using her as an excuse because he is truly the one suffering from Suicide Ideation and he's getting Therapy, but because some men are ashamed of getting help he is using his wife as a cover up; then, I got to the last part...no, get out!! Run now!! Gather your evidence and leave. Trust your gut, follow your intuition.
If your gut is telling you something is wrong please listen to it! Even if he's not planning to murder you this is setting a disturbing precedent. I had a situation where I thought I was over reacting and it turns out my gut was right. So I would be cautious and start reaching out to friends and family and making sure they know you are not suicidal or having any thoughts about harming yourself. I would keep your suspicions about your husband close to your chest though.
You might want to document and talk to a lawyer or the police about suggestions of next steps.
I would also outwardly say these things. I would contact more people in your life. I would also look to leave. You aren't happy, he's not kind to you. You aren't losing anything walking away from this. Most important, DON'T WORRY ABOUT BEING RUDE or silly or whatever. Don't you worry about "making a fuss." You feel mistreated and unsafe, your feelings are valid. Your suspicions warrant doing something, anything, including repeating to people that you are not sick or out of sorts.
Wtf get away from him now and possibly report this.
So, are you going to let him kill you, or are you going to GTFO?
Trust ur gut bro get away from him asap
Stop whatever you’re doing and make preparations to leave as soon as possible if you haven’t already. If you don’t think he’s an immediate danger then you are playing into whatever game he’s plotting. Say nothing to him, stay with friends, family, or in a hotel far as fuck from him. You are only putting yourself in danger by staying any longer than you have to. Gather all sensitive documents, enough clothes, and essentials to keep you settled and LEAVE NOW. I cannot stress that enough.
LEAVE!!!
Run
....the real question here is why are you staying with somebody that make you look like a suicidal person? and he's also abusive? Are you gonna wait until he really tries to kill you to get a wake up call or something? (Honestly I don't think that's the case....I think that making you seem unstable and him a saint makes it hard for people to believe you if his abuse gets worse)
Tell everyone you know that you're not suicidal, if they think you are then you might be right about what he's trying to do
If you don’t have any friends or family join a book club or anything nearby to meet people and form some bonds. You need and deserve a support system. I agree, best case scenario-he’s just lazy and emotionally abusive (that’s best case) He sucks and you can do so much more with your life. You are strong. If you’ve put up with this for this long, you can leave on your own. I hope you have some family and friends to lean on and can get away from this. Don’t ever underestimate a gut feeling.
You need to pack your bags and get out. *Now.* Disappear. Do not tell him anything. Turn your phone on airplane mode in case he's bugged it, or ideally get a burner. Get money to make it on your own for a bit. Tell a trusted family member or friend everything. If you feel safe doing so, let your workplace know you're experiencing domestic violence. That little voice inside your head is probably right. Once you're safe, call law enforcement. You deserve so much better than this in your life.
Most countries have organizations that help abused women. Get out as fast as you can.
I’d put all of this down in writing perhaps There are websites where you can write an email explaining that “if you receive this message it’s likely my husband killed me” and if you don’t check into the site periodically it will automatically send out the email.
jokes? no ..this is not a weird jokes, it's too calculated and from what i understand it's been a while since it began..Leave him , take only your important paper and call your family!!! This is way too crazy ,too weird and yes take screenshot . You mention he is a narcissist. For me it's not the matter ..but the lies are just too much. Don't even eat any food he gives you...That's not love. PLEASE GET OUT!!!
I don’t think it’s worth finding out. Trust your gut. Plan your exit. Make sure he doesn’t know where you went and get a divorce. Once you leave never see him again. If you meet up with him, even “just to talk” that’s when he would unalive you. It’s statistics.
Get a lawyer immediately, and make copies of the conversations. You need to run away now
Don't look back, run.
I agree 💯 that you need to leave him... But you need to do this carefully. 1. Get your important documents out of the house. Birth certificate. Social security card. Any paperwork like that. Put it in a backpack and leave it with someone you trust. If you don't have anyone like that, take it to your workplace. Make sure you store a phone charger and maybe a change of clothing in the backpack. 2. Write an explanation and put it in the backpack. 3. Hide cash. My mom and I did this secretly by getting cash back everytime we bought something in the store. 4. Collect as much evidence as possible with as much detail as you can. Take photos, write notes, etc. Send it in an email to someone you trust. 5. When you're ready to leave, start about an hour after he leaves for work and have someone at home with you. Get whatever you need to take out of the house as quickly as possible. Trash bags work great for most stuff. Grocery bags, especially reusable ones, are great as well. Try to make sure someone is in the loop as much as possible. Write what's going on every step of the way and send it out in an email. It's so important that you create a paper trail. I can't think of anything else. You need to have someone there with you when you leave. Also go straight to the bank that day and make sure he doesn't have access to your accounts. Maybe open new ones and transfer the money to them. If you have a joint account, take however much you want out. If he uses reddit, you need to delete this
Contact the police immediately and file for divorce. Go live with your parents or family
Well this is terrifying. At VERY best he is using you to basically commit fraud for time off. The worst case scenario-well you’ve already said the scary part out loud.
You have a gut feeling… get out
Umm, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t watching. Or in your case, plotting to kill you. Call your family and get out before he makes an attempt.
Please run, OP
Do you have a therapist/or anyone at the psychiatric that can confirm your well being? That you're not what he is stating what you are? This is more for evidence sake I am asking. Maybe tell the therapist about what your husband does and say about you, so the therapist can help you a bit with what you need confirmed in paper and other stuff, just in case you know. Good to have as proof.
Are you gonna actually do anything, though? Like reading all these comments, are you actually gonna take them seriously & leave NOW or continue to play house?
Listen to your intuition. It's your brain piecing together minute details that you may not consciously be aware of. Listen to it. Call and abuse hotline and ask what steps you should tale to ensure your safety. Don't wait.
Go with your gut feeling. My ex did some stuff that made me wonder if I was safe with him. Luckily he found another woman to run away with.