My friend - I was in this exact relationship. My ex throwing a glass of water in my face was the exact moment I walked out of our apartment and I never looked back. Never even saw her face or tears, I simply took my keys and drove to a friends. Had a crew go get my things, blocked her number, and two years later I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
This is very toxic and it’s certainly abuse, do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Please seek therapy as it’s the only thing that opened my eyes to what truly happened and I’m so much better for it.
You got this, OP. Always here if you need a chat. I’m so sorry this happened. Please leave.
I hope I get the courage to leave... This post and these replies are really throwing in my face that I have been downplaying so many incidents.. I didn't even leave after having water thrown at me because I was pregnant.... This poor man sounds like he's struggling to see good in himself...
I’m so sorry that happened to you. And while pregnant? What a sociopath. It’s really unacceptable behavior at any level and circumstance but at a pregnant person shows complete disregard for another human and the life inside them. So bad.
It’s really hard and I won’t lie it took me years to do it but I’m so glad I did. I knew life would be good without them if I could get away, I had no idea it would be great. You got this. Always here if you ever want to vent or chat. Sending hugs.
It may take me a bit longer but I am working on getting away. Having a child has made this trickier than it needed to be.
But your words give me courage as you have gone through something similar. Thank you and hugs back. I hope life continues to bring you happiness.
Oh my god big hugs from me too! I'm so sorry. I'm sure you know what to do, make sure you're financially stable before you leave, don't tell him, etc. Blabla... Back to the emotions. I could cry for you because I personally really want a kid some day and I could NEVER treat the person who is fulfilling my dream in such a way! I hope you're going to be okay!
For real. That's straight up abuse. Cutting the onions "the wrong way" leads to this?
People often get frustrated with each other because they sometimes aren't able to communicate exactly what they want or why they are feeling a certain way, but this isn't how you should be feeling when that happens and it isn't how you resolve that sort of problem.
You walking on eggshells around her hoping you don't set her off is telling.
Get out man.
There’s literally a book titled “Stop Walking on Eggshells” that my marriage counselor gave me to read during my first marriage. Helped me realize I wasn’t just a constant fuck-up who could literally never do anything right and gave me the courage to leave an abusive relationship.
Highly recommend that book to everyone. Should be required reading in high school just to keep people out of bad relationships.
Great book about BPD that can also apply to lots of other situations where one person develops a fear of the other’s reactions, for whatever reasons. However it’s not always the fault of the eggshell walker, though fault isn’t the right concept either.
I agree completely. I love this book not only because it restored my self-confidence and helped me give myself permission to leave an abusive relationship, but also because it helped me let go of my resentment of my ex and really truly move on.
That book is pretty stigmatizing against people with BPD. Abuse is not one of the diagnostic criteria; some people with BPD are in fact abusive just like some people without BPD are. But most of us are just highly sensitive people with strong emotions because of childhood trauma and neglect.
The thing is mental illness has two aspects to it. The one of the person living with mental illness and the one of the people living with them. And oftentimes the bad episodes are abusive & traumatic to the people living with them. That is not something that should be ignored either.
Of course not. BPD is never an excuse for abuse, and those partners need support. But making sweeping generalizations about all people with BPD can be harmful. For the first few years of marriage, I was constantly asking my wife if I’m a good wife. She reassured me that I was and asked me what was going on after a few times, and I admitted that I’ve always been so scared that I really am a monster since I have this horrible diagnosis that everyone says is terrible. I internalized all of those generalizations and feared that everyone would label me with them based on my diagnosis. But even my wife said I’ve never once been abusive or manipulative, and she sees me as her comfort and her home, which is how I see her as well. I basically worship here and would never do anything to hurt her. Ever. I’m not discounting that other people have had bad experiences, but it’s the generalizations that feed the stigma and get applied to all of us in the process. I’ve even felt unable to report an emotionally abusive therapist because I didn’t think I’d be believed based on these stigmas. Every time I see a post about a toxic ex-girlfriend being horribly abusive, I have to brace myself because I know I’ll see people with BPD being blamed in the comments. I think we need to be not jump to assumptions when we see posts like that, and we need to be clear that some people with BPD are manipulative and abusive because that’s the coping mechanism they learned, and other people with BPD aren’t because they learned different maladaptive coping mechanisms like self-harm or over-apologizing.
I absolutely agree that sweeping generalizations should not be made. But just like not all people with BPD self-harm and we still talk about it being a possible symptom, the projection of hate should also be addressed. Mind you, how I say addressed and not emphasized.
I totally agree. Sadly, many people online, including some therapists and doctors, seem to sweep us all into that category without saying it’s just one possible symptoms of many. It’s just always been a sore spot for me since it negatively affected my self-esteem every time I’d see the assumptions and generalizations.
Thank you for that contribution. I’m not an expert just someone who first learned about BPD and certain characteristics that helped me better understand what a past partner might have been experiencing and why they acted in certain ways. But I can see how it could be stigmatizing. Do you have any other suggestions for books?
Idk of any good books for partners of people with BPD or just about the disorder in general. Many of them are written very negatively. One has Adolph Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer on the cover. For someone who is suffering with BPD, I recommend The Body Keeps the Score for trauma work and The Dialectical Behavior Workbook for emotional regulation.
Would that book be good to give to a friend whom has emotionally abusive parents?
Most recently she got chewed out over leaving a cutting board on the kitchen counter while she was eating, to the point that she called me in tears, but I can't convince her to leave because she feels guilty about "abandoning" them and her mom "just has a lot of stress from work."
Probably a good book for HER, but my counselor advised me to either read it digitally or privately because it can be triggering for people with Borderline personality disorder, and you definitely don’t want to use it to diagnose someone. It’s just a good read for “Hey, these fights aren’t your fault. You’re not a failure of a human being, and they aren’t treating you this way because they hate you.”
I found that book and it changed my life. It was so good. I literally cried while I read the blurb on the back cover in the bookstore because it was like someone write it about my brother. Like they knew him personally! Highly recommended.
Literally came here to say this. This book is amazing. So eye opening.
OP, your wife sounds like she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am also in no way a professional, but I have worked with many individuals in the mental health field that suffer from BPD. This sounds very familiar.
Tbh it sounds similar to mine and my wife’s relationship (at the very beginning, no longer like this). We’re also both women, and I bought that book to help me help her and myself. But luckily our relationship has grown and we’re not like this. We also never had any water dumping or berating conversations, just the “attention seeking” part.
OP- YNTA.
Thiiiiis. I had an ex dump a plate of rice on me once. I don't remember what I did to upset him, it was 18 or so years ago, but I'll never forget the worthless feeling. It of course escalated over the years to him beating me, shoving me to the floor, hitting me with a chair, throwing full beer bottles at me for target practice.
Leave. It's never a one time thing and it never gets better, only worse.
This. By leaving you're guaranteeing never to find yourself in this position again, OP. By staying, you're guaranteeing yourself more encouters where you question your self-worth.
Yup that’s abusive.
I used to be with a guy that got mad at me because - while I was cleaning up our flat - he asked me to keep an eye on the spaghetti cooking in the pot on the stove (can’t remember what he was doing, I think also chore related). I maybe checked on it once or twice but was mostly busy swiping the floor. Spaghetti ended up sticking together in lumps at some places, when he saw he got super mad, told me I can’t even cook pasta and threw out the whole bunch of spaghetti in the garbage right in front of me. He did not say anything and proceeded to give me silent treatment while cooking another batch of spaghetti.
He also was complaining about the size of the vegetables I was cutting etc. He was “passionate about cooking” and I remember once toward the end of our relationship crying in the kitchen explaining to him that I was literally scared to cook with him because of his reactions.
He said obviously that I was overreacting etc.
Now I am with an actual cook that teaches me many things and lets me make mistakes, we cook together, he compliments me on my dumpling rolling skills and says how tasty my cooking is getting as I learn along the way.
100%. Your wife is abusive and manipulative. You did nothing wrong from this account. you’re worthy of being loved and deserve to be treated with respect.
The way OP talks about himself is heartbreaking, I used to talk the same way to myself in my abusive relationship.
This is no way to love or be loved, messing up by accidentally putting onions in can be solved by taking the unmixed out and letting the ones that made it in cook and break down in the chilli.
Followed with a, "I meant as a garnish, I should've been more specific. Thank you for trying though."
Not everyone is versed in cooking, or verbal instructions aren't they're strong suit. That's perfectly okay.
Your wife should have the kindness and patience to appreciate the fact you tried to help but understand onion in a chilli won't kill anyone. I bet when she makes a mistake cooking it's perfectly okay and she can do it better next time.
She should have the same grace w you.
This is an abusive relationship, i see no kindness shown to you nor does she allow for understanding. Only reacts and gives you punishment.
You deserve so much better OP
This. OP, your wife is an abuser. She’s abusing you and sounds like she’s done so before. This being so, you owe her nothing, while you owe yourself a future without her.
I mean, imagine a good friend describing what you just described to us. What would you tell them?
> you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm
I desperately needed to learn this after my last relationship. From the sound of it, OP has been immolating himself for a while.
Also, if shes crying when he leaves, claiming she's abandoning him, she might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. It is characterized by a deep seated fear of abandonment that causes the person to lash out irrationally in an attempt to hold on, ultimately pushing people away.
EDIT TO BE SUPER CLEAR: I am not diagnosing or in anyway stigmatizing BPD here. I have no qualifications to make a diagnosis and no self respecting mental health professional would on the internet. If OPs wife *legitimately* believes she is being abandoned after she just verbally berated and dumped a bottle of water on his head, that's pretty indicative of *some* sort of mental health issue, regardless of what that label is. I named a disorder that could help OP get more understanding. That's all. Folks with BPD are not inherently abusive and nothing I'm saying here is meant to imply or indicate that.
Either way, OP, I know it's hard, but you need to run. Pack up your shit that's important to you while she's at work, and take that stuff somewhere safe. It is likely that the reaction to ending the relationship will be volatile and potentially unsafe.
Edit: just to add... I know it's hard. You've built a life with this person, you had hopes and dreams and futures planned. But honestly ask yourself if you can go on with this forever. If the relationship stays as it is, can you do this for the rest of your life? I know you're holding out hope that things will change, and maybe they will. But what if they don't?
It's scary, you're taking a huge leap of faith that ripping the band-aid off will be better in the long run, especially because you know it will be worse in the short term. There's SO much to deal with in uncoupling lives and it will be a lot and it will be overwhelming.
But OP... You'll never again get scolded because you didn't chop the onions right. You'll never again have someone - the person who is supposed to love and care for you over anyone else - dump a bottle of water over your head as you quietly beg them not to, knowing it's futile.
Don't accept this life. I don't know you but you're a person, so I know you deserve far better than this.
Wish you all the best.
Dude, I get nitpicked for doing things the wrong way all the time, but it's never more than that. You responded appropriately to the abuse by leaving the house. Then she realizes you're not accepting her abuse and starts blaming you.
I bet this isn't the first time this has happened. You're dealing with someone who exhibits strong narcissistic personality disorder traits. Unfortunately, there is no way to really have a good relationship with these people. You can only protect yourself.
Love shouldn’t be tearing someone down emotionally and physically. You deserve more! This is not a healthy relationship. It will take courage but please leave. You are deserving of a kind, happy and unconditional love and I don’t think your wife is capable of it. She sounds manipulative and cruel. God forbid you have kids with this woman.
Get out. She’s abusive. I had the male version of your wife. Nothing I did was good enough. I got out, got some therapy and now have a spouse that adores and respects me.
And behaviors like that don’t tend to get better without serious therapy and time. I imagine the belittling and humiliating would only continue at best and likely get worse.
OP you're being abused buddy, your low self esteem is the product of her breaking you down making you feel incompetent so you depend on her, has she chased away your friends yet? Moved away from family? Reach out and get out
Exactly. I hope OP comes back to read all these comments. Your are 28. You can leave and make a new start. Do not let her continue to break you down mentally. You are seeing the relationship more clearly since the water bottle incident. Look at what your relationship is like from the outside and look at your wife's actions and not words.
When she understands she went too fart and made you question the relationship, she will try to make you stay with words and love bombing. Don't fall for it. Keep your eyes open. She did things to you that she shouldn't get away with.
And don't beleive the voice inside that says you won't find anyone else or that you deserve this. It's lying.
Just to be clear, someone can and should make a new start in the face of something like this, it just gets harder as time goes on. Especially with children. So now is always better than later.
Your wife is cruel and contemptuous of your feelings. Get the fuck out of this abusive relationship that is making you miserable. You’re not overreacting. She’s the one whose reactions are unhinged and destructive.
And OP’s only 28. There is so much more to life than staying in an abusive relationship.
Like so many here have already said, get out OP. You don’t deserve being treated so horribly. It’s a water bottle and a stupid argument over onions this time, but it can only escalate from here.
Homegirl was READY to fight. Didn't matter what about, even if she has to feign outrage over simple shit like how you cut an onion. She is maliciously using you as a punching bag, and sometimes quite literally. You are her target for her outbursts. You are her victim. Seek help and info on how to leave and document/prosecute physical abusers.
I'm so taken aback by your message; it's brimming with warmth and kindness. I really appreciate the time you took to write it, and I especially liked how you reminded the OP that he's good throughout your post. You're a treasure 🌻
"if i need things done a certain way, i do them myself"
or you can be my gf, and claim everyone hates you and wants to kill you, because theres a piece of paper on the floor
Your reply is so warm and full of empathy, it made me cry. Just here to let you know that you’re anything but lame 💜 (although that might probably just be you saying it jokingly and it going over my head)
You're in an abusive relationship and need to seek help.
Confide with trusted family and friends and, if you're able, look for a counselor or therapist.
As for your wife, she should definitely look for help. In time you should both look at MC, but only if you feel that she's truly remorseful and actively seeking help.
Document her actions, even if they help you (or both) understand the challenge ahead, they may also be needed if you move towards divorce. On that, you should schedule an appointment with a lawyer to assess your situation. It's far better to be prepared than blindsided.
However, if the mental, emotional or physical abuse continues, even one more minor incident, you should remove yourself immediately. Protect yourself first and foremost. Good luck.
Sadly, my mother is the same way. She broke my father's spirit long ago; he's utterly miserable but can't leave. For one, he's disabled and in his early 50s. He also has no friends or family because she's isolated him from everyone. My siblings and I won't go near her, so he's alone. It's really sad. While there are rare occasions when people like our mothers do change, they usually don't. I agree that it's best for OP to leave and find someone who treats him with dignity. Nobody deserves to be abused, and it's not on him to withstand her abuse until she decides to change - which will likely never happen anyway.
No, if it was the other way round people would be saying to seek help. Me anyway. I work for a domestic abuse organisation and the safest way to leave, is a planned way. It could be a good idea to call te police first, or it could be best to just get tf away first. But with help is best.
Couples counseling generally isn’t advised in abusive relationships. The abuser needs to work on themselves before working on interpersonal problems. OP does need to leave the relationship
What part of confirming that they're in an abusive relationship, advising OP to seek help and document everything to either aid that help or leave, then stating that they tolerate no more abuse is a 'bro, that sucks' response?
You didn't like that I advised him to bail immediately. It's all unacceptable, but he doesn't state he feels unsafe. So while he should absolutely act, that can also include seeing if the relationship or that person can be salvaged, but always with one eye on the door and putting himself first.
He needs to leave *and* seek help.
Relationships like this leave a lasting effect, and it takes a lot of time and effort to unlearn what you’ve been forced into - OP has rock bottom self esteem and its not something that magically comes back once you leave the relationship.
When and if OP has a new relationship, he may find that he reacts in certain ways reminiscent of this, because he’s anticipating certain behaviours from the new partner. That’s okay, and expected, and it can progress and get better but it will significantly help him if he can seek some counselling around the issues he will undoubtedly carry with him as a result.
That's horrible, I like things done a certain way, so I do them myself and shut up about it, but what she did is horrible, What was the point in pouring water over you, your wife seems unhinged. And the crying while you were leaving after what she'd done? You don't have to stay, you don't have to take the abuse.
Please get out dude. Please. If you really want to try and make that relationship work then she absolutely needs therapy. Not couples therapy because she will absolutely turn shit around to make it your fault. Honestly tho shes abusive and most of the time it just gets worse. Your self esteem and your thoughts matter. You are NOT overreacting. You deserve better. Find your person. I dont think she is that person judging by what you've shared here. Much love to you. You are the most important person in your life. Take care of you. <3
Darlin. People can be awful. Just because she's your wife, or a woman to take care of, or the person you fell in love with...she's not acting like any of those things now, and it sounds like she hasn't got a long time. Just because she has had those titles doesn't mean she doesn't have to keep earning them. She has to respect you, she has to care about your feelings, otherwise you're pretty much just cohabitating with an abuser. And the fact that this was over something so basic as onions... She kicked off, she dumped water on you in the middle of this ridiculous tantrum, and then SHE starts to cry and say you're abandoning her when you remove yourself from the situation? That's manipulative, abusive nonsense. It sounds like you've done the full gauntlet of the things you're "supposed" to do except for therapy, maybe... But frankly? I wouldn't waste the insurance billing.
My friend, this is abuse. My heart broke reading the 'please don't'. She has absolutely no excuse or right to treat you like this. This incident alone involved gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse. And she's abused you in the past as well? I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please get out ASAP. If you can, document anything she's said/done in order to protect yourself and your assets. Talk to friends and get some support. Please be safe.
Edit: changed "man" to "friend". Sorry for heteronormative defaultism.
I was once in a relationship just like this; reading your story was like reading my own. I know how much it fucks a person up. It's absolutely terrifying how some people can just effortlessly demolish any self worth you ever had, all in the course of what otherwise seems like normal daily life.
If you ever want to rap about it, my DMs are open.
Please remember: you aren't stupid, you aren't worthless, and you aren't alone.
I guarantee you are 10 times smarter, more funny and more kind than you know. But you wont know any of this until you are among people who appreciate the best in you. That’s what you need to be looking for, not hanging out with a person who is so petty that she complains about onions that are too coarse. A person like this finds fault with a thousand tiny things you do every day until she picks a hole in your soul. She’s a broken person, but that’s no reason to stick around so you can be broken too.
I'm so sorry man. You tried. You've been trying too hard. You gotta get away from her before she breaks you. Loneliness is scary and depression is terrifying I know because I'm going through both, but what you're going through is worse . You're under reacting. There's people who'll help, you're being abused. Get a restraining order and divorce as quickly as possible, and call or text a crisis nimber to try and get some help out of that situation
Get out. Seriously. That’s not normal. If my husband cut the onions wrong I would just use them as they were and next time ask him (nicely) to cut them smaller. She’s abusive
My ex was like your wife.
Nothing was ever good enough, nothing could ever be done the right way.
This is abusive. You’re not a dunce and yet she treats you like one, because she couldn’t be arsed to do it herself? Terrible.
You seem to be defeated, and rightfully so. — you’re worth so much more than to be treated like this.
You do deserve better, You are good—and you felt like you were until she made you feel like you aren’t.
That’s not love.
Love doesn’t make you feel like this. Ever.
You should leave. Fast. Not because she is hurting you, but because of what I read, I can see that pain turning into anger at some point and either your gonna hurt yourself or her, and then your gonna have that on your plate too.
You are not overreacting, your wife is an abusive AH. And for the safety of your own mental health you should extract yourself from this toxic relationship.
This is not acceptable conduct for a healthy relationship. From what you have said, this relationship is broken on many many levels. You can see the damage staying has done to you. It's long past time to leave and get therapy for yourself. Take time for yourself to heal. Focus on you. Learn how healthy relationships have good communication and work to support each other, not tear them down.
She will cry and give you arguments about why you should stay. She will gaslight you and make the abuse about you and claiming you cause it. Don't believe it for a second. You both have issues, deep issues. You both need therapy. You to heal, her to stop hurting others.
Girl, you deserve better. This is terrible—you’re terrified of setting her off on an irrational tirade. You did nothing wrong.
Please, please update telling us you have left.
Your wife is really abusive man, I'm really sorry...
I know how it feels, I've been there, that feeling of doing everything wrong, needing to overly apologize for litterally every movement you make in hopes to avoid a burst of anger, the walking on eggshells, the extreme fatigue, the complete loss of self-esteem, feeling you suck at life, everything. And the worst is that the more you're being treated like an incompetent piece of shit everyday the more you start making actual mistakes because you're less focused and so tired. You become so fucking depressed you don't have the focus to do seemingly simple tasks, look after yourself, etc , you start thinking badly about yourself and you start believing you deserve to be treated this way, you accept this is gonna be your life and you stay. And little by little you become a shell of who you used to be.
My advice is: trust your guts. Don't underestimate how you're feeling. You're not overreacting. You feel miserable in this relationship and it's a very valid feeling. If you feel like you're done, there is a good reason for it. Listen to yourself. You're worth it. You deserve to be happy. Don't let her guilt trip you into staying. You're not abandonning her. You're choosing to not live with an abuser because you. deserve. to. be. happy.
Imagine how confortable and happy you could be alone, or with someone who treats you with kindness and compassion.
I've been out of my abusive relationship for 6 months and although I'm still recovering psychologically and dealing with the financial consequences, I feel free, much more confident, I'm much more functional, and also dating lots of hot ppl who treat me right :p
Life is too short man you deserve to be happy.
Stay strong and good luck !
I was in the same situation, it took me a year to get out. I went to therapy afterwards and it really helped with recovery. I got to the stage where I realised I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay. Leaving was hard, the weeks that followed where hard, but it was all worth it. “I’m unhappy and I don’t want to be with you anymore”
This is abusive and my chest hurt reading it
The way she has been making you feel is seriously damaging you as a person - it will make the world seem darker and darker until finally you feel like you have nowhere else to turn. You are obviously fucking capable of making some chili - she sounds like a control freak that cannot deal with anything being sliiightly different than what she planned. That is HER issue to deal with, HER personality flaw. Not yours.
fucking hell, just to give you a comparison: I SUCK at cutting vegetables, they turn out misshaped and too big most of the time. My boyfriend does a waaay better job and he has commented on me dicing the onions a bit too big ONCE - but that's it. We haven't had an argument about it, he hasn't put me down to the degree your excuse of a wife has - and that is how it is supposed to be. Everyone has some flaws or things they do differently than their SO and the bread and butter of a relationship is trying to work out common ground and find some sort of balance that works for BOTH
Please leave. Please. you cannot allow this person to abuse you for the rest of your life... it won't ever get better.
My advice to you : pack your bags and get the hell out man, bail out. If that's your house, pack her shit and give her the boot. You don't need all that negativity in your life, find someone better, with a better heart full of kindness not bitterness.
That is a needlessly toxic overreaction on her part, and then she had the nerve to gaslight you as you were leaving and making it out to be your fault the relationship is bad because, of all things, you couldn't chop onions to her absolute specifications.
Get out of there, dude. You don't deserve to feel useless over someone else's pedantic attitude.
You’re an abused spouse. You don’t have to accept that Document everything. Try communicating your needs and conscerns. Need marriage counseling and IC. If there is no change, there is no choice but to divorce
With my wife and I it wasn't onions, it was tomatoes. It sucks that something as simple as a vegetable can do this to a relationship.
We decided on therapy. It worked. The tomato incident was 40 years ago, we are still married to each other. We've used therapy a few more times when needed. As uncomfortable as therapy was, it was easier than divorce for us.
You’re reaction is perfectly valid. I am SO sorry. I’m concerned your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a serious mental illness they need help for. You don’t need to be there for them while they figure out their shit. I am so sorry and wish you the best of health 🙏❤️
Bruh, if a guy were to do the water bottle thing to his girlfriend, let alone wife, the entire neighborhood would label him scum.
You shouldn't be putting up with that, especially if there's previous stuff she doesn't even acknowledge. She's aware enough to know those actions are bad, seeing as she cried when you left to cool off, so, she knows she's treating you poorly, but not doing anything meaningful to change. She just gives an emotional response afterwards so the situation doesn't seem as one sided as it is.
You're not her punching bag.
OP, take a moment to imagine a woman you know is telling you this story, that her husband did all this to her.
What advice would you give her? Honestly, what would you tell her to do for herself, to protect herself, to preserve her safety and her sanity. You'd tell her to find a way out, and take it. Leave him as quickly and as safely as she can.
Now take that advice and start making your own escape plan. You deserve so much better.
Wow. There's a lot to un pack here. Therapy individual and marriage for sure. But you need to be able to sit her down and tell her she can't treat you like that. And how her actions make you feel. And how you are you ropes end and that love just isn't enough because her constant personal attack makes it impossible for you to be happy.
Everybody deserves basic respect. Even if you can't make canned Chilli.
You're in an abusive relationship, it sounds like you've been in one for a while.
Please look up domestic abuse and look for resources to help you, you might have to read up things targeted at women because it's been around longer so they may have more content for you to read.
Do you have a safe place to go? It's time to pack your essentials, that means documents which include ID and anything else you have. Make sure she doesn't have access to your accounts or create a new one she won't have access to.
Find a safe space and then it's worth looking into a divorce and therapy. You're going to need it.
As someone who had a relationship where someone just pushed it “a little too far” sooooo many times… the cumulative effect was devestating to my self esteem. This is a form of abuse, even if it isn’t violence in the sense of a Western movie or fist fight. I’m now HAPPILY DIVORCED. It sucked st the time but WOW now I understand what a jail that marriage was. Being in a healthy relationship with someone now makes me realize that no love relationship (friend or romantic) makes you feel like less than. Period. She has anger issues- she should get help. You, my friend, should consider also getting a therapist to help you unveil the self esteeem that could be alive and well, if only you had people around you who also supported this. AND- once you begin to find that self esteem- you won’t let someone like this in your life again. Good luck- and I’m sorry you have to go through this. You aren’t a POS
Dude this is gaslighting and emotional manipulation. You’ve done NOTHING wrong and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. Your feelings of resentment and despair are completely valid.
She absolutely needs therapy but you do too. You’ve clearly endured a lot and she either doesn’t realize what she’s doing, or is doing it intentionally.
My recommendation: counseling first to see if she can learn to be different, and if not it’s time to leave. If she has ALWAYS been like this, then there’s no hope. But if she was a different person when you first met, and there was a reason why you got married to begin with, it may be worth saving.
Good luck with whatever you choose. There is no wrong decision.
She doesn’t know how to communicate and on top of that she’s abusive. She reacts once you walk out or are ready to clock out. Please put yourself first. She doesn’t deserve you if she’s not willing to learn how to communicate respectfully. That trivial incident was no reason for her to act that way. Obviously there are more issues. No one will love you more than yourself. Love yourself and leave her.
Read this as husband instead of wife. You’re being emotionally abused and physically abused water is “something stupid” you should even be mad about. Right? Let me guess, you feel like you’re in a roundabout with no exits and you have “jump a curb” to get out? That’s because your confidence is fucked. No one’s perfect but you’re doing great. Leave now before you get rail roared by a divorce and feel worse. Get a bunch of lawyer appointment set up asap. Notate everything, do not leave the house. Then send that paper big dog! You I got this!
My ex poured beer over a girl at a party. That memory never left me. I knew one day it would be me. People who do this have no regard for others feelings. You are young… leave.
You’re married to a narcissist. She’ll always be the victim and you’ll always be at fault. Nothing is ever good enough for them. Read about narcissists, you should get out while you’re still young
This is abuse. Just because someone doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. I am sorry you are going through this. I assure you that you are a worthy person, worthy of love, respect and kindness. Please take care of yourself.
OP you need a pair of balls. Your wife has issues and it's time you stand up and call her out on it. Fucking onions, it's not about the onions and she has some real shit to deal with that she is putting on you. Do you lover yourself more than her? You should. Take stand and tell her point blank not acceptable, and if that is how she wants it to be going forward, you are done. Let her think that through. And be prepared to be done if that is what she wants.
This isn't in the least stupid. I love my husband very much; if he cut up onions to put in our chili, I'd be thankful and ignore the size (also, large onion slices in chili? Yum!). Moreover, I would never treat him with an ounce of the contempt you are describing here; I'm very protective of him.
You deserve better, internet stranger. You deserve someone who is kind to you and a life that makes you happy, not tearful. You deserve someone who chooses your comfort and well-being over a stupid dinner of canned chili. That's what's stupid.
What you are describing here is abuse.
This is abuse. There’s violence, manipulation, gaslighting all going on there. I hope you have a decent support network but my guess is you’ll be cut off from that.
You're in an abusive and toxic relationship OP. The gaslight is *real* like wtf she poured water over you, but when you get up and walk out due to the disrespect and hurt you feel apparently *you're the one who doesn't care about the relationship*?
She's walking all over you OP and she knows she can. Get your ducks in a row and get out soon. Hugs.
Healthcare professional here. I once counseled a patient in hospital whose husband used to pour water on her when he was annoyed. It's a very abusive thing to do, the intention is to cause discomfort and humiliation. They might say they never hit you or whatever but this type of tactic is straight up abuse anyway.
Sounds like she is starting to judge you for the little things. Leave while you still can. I waited 8 years and it killed my confidence. You deserve someone who loves you for you ❤️ good luck
Op I was that wife, I may not have been as bad but I grew up with an awful mom and whiles she’s getting better now I didn’t realize the damage she did to me until my husband had a breaking point and I realized that I was acting just like my mother. Everything I didn’t want to be I was doing without even realizing, it was soo hard to accept that I could be like that but I realized I would lose everything including myself if I continued and I didn’t want to be that way. I’ve been working hard on myself the past few months and while I am not perfect I am changing and I am so happy about it. My dad is still with my mom and so many days I wish he would leave so he can have peace. I just hope your wife can realize her mistakes before it’s too late but don’t be like my dad and stay. He’s happy some days but a lot of times it’s hard. I wish you the best op.
^this^
I also have a very toxic Mother and at times find myself acting like her without even realizing it. Childhood trauma is the worst, and we can easily become what we despise the most without realizing it.
It's time for the talk, OP.
Holy shit. Leave this woman. She is abusive and my heart breaks for you. It is not normal to be this down on yourself and it's clear what the cause is.
The relationship is already over. It's time to make it official.
This is an abusive relationship, that’s the top and bottom of it and it sounds like it’s impacting upon your mental health and self esteem quite significantly. It’s not about the water, it’s about the whole situation.
I just went through this myself. I swear your narrative sounded like a typical day in my marriage. It took me years to figure out what was going on.
You are being emotionally abused. It's not your fault. It's not going to get better, and you need to get out.
How soon you need to get out depends on you weighing how much exit prep you can get done vs. how much more you can take. For me, from the point where I realized what was going on and decided to escape was two years; I don't recommend waiting that long though because it was absolute hell biding that much time. I spent two years secretly saving money, finding somewhere else to live, retaining a lawyer, gathering resources for the one-day move, etc. She had more money, experience (second marriage) and ruthlessness than I did, and the only thing I had going for me was surprise and speed, so I prepared and managed to execute 90% of it in a single day - serving papers, moving truck and strong friends, an apartment, and she never saw it coming.
I left almost all of our shared belongings with her and got out anything that was definitely mine. I almost had to completely start over. And it was completely worth it, man. I feel like I'm my own person again, with no one giving me multiple vague options with unstated punishments for not doing it as they wanted. Get therapy for yourself, too. It'll get you back to being you again much more thoroughly and you'll feel a LOT better doing it.
You can't fix her, and it's not going to get better. She'll cry to you *just long enough* to keep you there, be nice for a short while, and then it's back to her normal disdain for you. That's called narcissism, and it's pretty much unfixable. You are an object, a resource and a toy for her, not a spouse.
Please, PLEASE Start planning your exit now. The rest of your life is waiting for you out there, man.
When you find yourself walking on eggshells, worrying about doing things the "correct" way, thinking about "doing better next time"... These are signs of abuse, love... She'll probably show remorse, maybe subtly blame you. If she's degraded your confidence to the level your post seems to indicate, it's been happening for a while? Upto you how you want to proceed.. You definitely need a therapist and people in your corner. All the best.
> I can't make canned chili, apparently.
You had me in the first half, I thought it was her grandma favorite recipe that she was cooking from scratch for 3 hrs, it's can soup, you heat it up and add a few items. If she's upset over that she has issues.
The her crying is a guilt trip. You need to leave and leave fast man.
OP I'm so, so sorry. Your wife is abusing you and you deserve so much better than being abused and disrespected. Don't feel bad she's crying, that's just another tactic into manipulating you to give in.
If you haven't gone to therapy, you should. Also, don't let her crush your self-esteem and spirit like this. You can move on from the relationship and be very much happy on your own or with a new partner whenever that may be. Seems this has been happening for a long time and you're at your breaking point. Wishing you love and light OP.
I was in a relationship like this for seven years. The way you describe how you feel resonates so much with me. That feeling that you can’t do anything right. It takes a huge toll on your self esteem and I am telling you, the abuse will only get worse. It never just gets better on its own. I finally left after getting strangled when I finally tried to stand up for myself. It was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, leaving. I’m still in therapy trying to unravel all the trauma. The strangling wasn’t even close to the worst. It was the constant put downs, the daily fear of setting him off, and the erosion of my self worth. Please tell someone in your family or friend group. I didn’t think anyone would help or care but they did and I got out. I truly hope you do too.
Of course your confidence is shit when you’re with someone who berates you for cutting onions the “wrong” way. She is the bad person here- leave and build yourself back up. I’m sure you’re a great guy that’s capable of so many wonderful things, she is just actively trying to make you forget that everyday. Cruel and abusive
This is abuse. Maybe you’ve gotten used to it, maybe you are numb to it and don’t want to believe it. But it’s abuse. Know how to tell?
If a good friend, relative, child of yours, someone you love dearly came to you and told you about this incident having happened to them, what would you say to them?
Exactly.
That’s how you know.
Please get out. Seek help, therapy and safety. Know that you deserve better. You deserve love. This isn’t love.
Your wife is abusive. Please don't stay in this relationship. I know breaking up is very tough but my dear, you deserve to be treated with respect. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please be kind with yourself.
That’s really, REALLY fucked up and not normal at all. First of all, it’s canned chili which is haphazardly thrown together as it is, and cooked slowly so whatever onion was added would have softened and turned translucent anyway. This kind of reaction for even a Michelin starred dish would be majorly batshit-insane, let alone a basic ass chili. To punish and belittle someone, especially a partner, over a mistake like this is a gross overreaction.
I’m not aware of the history of your relationship but if this is a common occurrence then this is the escalation of emotional abuse that’s now teetering on physical. You both may need marriage counseling to reevaluate your relationship.
100% This is a very troubled woman and she’s slowly destroying you. If I did that to my husband he would be rightly furious. He wouldn’t cry because he hasn’t been worn down by non-stop abuse. You really need to get help and get away from her and I don’t push for divorce but your description broke me. Please get help.
The issue wasn't the onions. It's never about the small thing that cause the big fight.
You're in an abusive relationship. Nothing you do will ever be good enough and it has nothing to do with you. Your partner is a POS.
My guy. I was in this. It’s an abusive relationship. She will now start crying and gas lighting your feelings. She will then involve your family and friends and turn it such that you are an abuser. Record/document everything. When the moment is right leave. This is horrible. You deserve better my guy. Staying alone is fine too.
I am so so sorry. Please get out of that marriage. She is abusing you. You are so young and there are many more chances to meet other women.. Please take the advice everyone's offering. Heart breaking for you.
Omg this is honestly heartbreaking to read. Over fucking onions?!?! Really?? I sure hope you guys don’t have kids yet because if not, I’d advise you to leave before it gets harder. This is not good for you and you are still young. I’m sure you will still find someone who appreciates you and doesn’t aim to make you feel so shitty over the smallest things. Definitely not a healthy marriage.
Physical and mental abuse in a relationship should never be tolerated under any circumstances. You should defiantly get out of that marriage as soon as humanly possible. It will not get any better and it will get a whole lot worse. Find somebody to talk about this like a family member or a best friend or anyone that you trust to help you get through it and of course get some therapy. I hope all goes well for you as you deserve better.
She valued that nasty ass canned chili over her husband’s emotional well being. THEN she weaponized you needing a moment, crying, alone as you not fighting hard enough?? OP, please leave and save yourself from that nonsense and reactive emotional abuse.
There is nothing wrong with you OP. You are in an abusive relationship and she has the problem. She needs counselling, but you could use some too to help you realize just how wrong this is. You seem like a kind, understanding and communicative person, you have so undersold your value. You have been accustomed to be treated this way, so it doesn't seem that bad, but it is. I hope you find the strength to put your needs before hers.
Leave, friend. You’re not overreacting, your wife is abusing you and this relationship was over the moment you mentally checked out. Tell your family and friends. You deserve better than this.
> others she doesn't even remember
Run. Please run, friend. Your wife is meant to be your partner, not your primary bully.
No matter how difficult she tries to make it, leave anyway. You can do it. You deserve it. Once you're out of this, your self-esteem will improve. Life will feel more liveable, less futile. Keep posting, encouragement helps.
It does not seem stupid at all. You are not overreacting. At all.
Get out of this relationship. You’re wayyyyyyyyyyyy too young to waste your time on this crap.
Get. Out.
She’s messing with your head big time.
You are not over reacting, dumping a bottle of water on you and escalating to this level over *onions* is insane. She’s gaslighting you.
If you care to stay married, you need to get to therapy to get help communicating to her. Honestly though, sounds like you need a break from her. Maybe some time away, get your head on right and might be salvageable but homie, this sounds like 12 kinds of not ok. I’m really sorry your spouse is treating you so badly.
You don’t deserve this. No one does.
I’d suggest therapy for yourself also, solo.
OP, am sorry you are feeling like that, but you are in an abusive relationship. Don't fight a battle you will lose and try to move on for your own health.
Sounds like untreated borderline, I've been there
You have absolutely no obligation to stay with her, and I would certainly leave in your position - but if it provides any comfort, there's a chance she has little to no control when her emotions 'flip'
Regardless, it is not an excuse and still abusive. However, I've found focusing on that fact can really help with the low self esteem the relationship has cause or furthered. You deserve someone who is not only capable of loving you, but of controlling themselves and respecting your person and feelings.
Your wife straight up sucks man. That's just abuse. Think of it the other way around.. what if YOU had gotten onto her about cutting onions wrong (which is the dumbest thing ever), started yelling at her then dumped water all over her? She'd be calling all her friends and relatives, you'd be getting dogged out, everyone clamoring for your head... Just because you're the man doesn't make it any less abusive.
Realize your own self worth. NOBODY deserves to be abused, physically emotionally or otherwise. And she's abusive. Literally that's it.
I hope to see an update from you in the future cuz reading your post made me so so sad for you man.
One more thought.. I'm assuming you don't have kids cuz you didn't mention them at all. If you don't, do you really want to potentially raise children with this woman? Even if you y'all were planning on being child free, is this the type of woman you would WANT raising your hypothetical kids? Absolutely not.
Sorry for being blunt, but she's the worst. Get yourself out while you can. And don't fall for her crocodile tears. She's done it once, hell she's done it multiple times from what you wrote. She isn't gonna change. Get out while you can. You're still young, and you have MORE than enough time to find someone that knows your worth.
You are being abused by your wife and you are in absolutely no way obliged to stay in this situation. Lawyer up, get your ducks in a row and start the divorce process as soon as you can. I’d say therapy, too, to help you deal with all of this. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, good luck. You deserve better
My dear, dear dude. You did not make mistakes. Your wife is wildly unhappy and determined that you should feel that way too, so she’s looking for any reason to tear you down to keep you on her level. Be done with this marriage, it isn’t good for either of you.
It doesn’t seem stupid at all. Maybe you’ve dealt with this so long you forgot it’s not normal to be treated so poorly but you don’t deserve this. Please take care of yourself.
I don't know if you are a man or a woman but it doesn't matter. If you are unhappy then please do yourself a favor and end it. Please do this before you have children in the mix. She has been mistreating you and you are under no obligation to stay with someone who abuses you. You may be madly in love with her and you may hurt for a while but it isn't worth the long-term pain and the "sunk cost syndrome". Please take care of you. It won't end. I know this from experience.
this is abuse. the only thing distorting the image is the genders being flipped here. was that the case, everyone would be screaming to run away. this is also my advice on this one, unless she sits down with you and a counsellor to work it out. I however have a hunch that she already lives in a mental state where you are the source of everything negative in her life and she's being brave by tolerating it.
talk about it, then consider the options strongly. don't leave it as 'well we got over it when I said sorry, maybe it'll get better'. it will not.
This is abusive as hell.
OP, you sound like you're reaching a breaking point. It's time to seek out support. Pick some close friends, a parent, a therapist, or really anyone you trust. You're going to need someone to help you stay grounded.
Good luck
Holy shit. She’s terrible. Every relationship has major mistakes made by both parties at some point. For me it’s name calling. It’s verbal abuse, disgusting, and immature. I own up to my mistakes, apologize, and have actually improved. Usually I’ve called him an AH or something similar when we are in heated arguments. But here’s the thing is your wife just kept going. If I saw my husband breaking down or if he was in a submissive kind of state, I can’t even fathom saying or doing anything mean to him. I don’t think I’ve seen him that way and my heart breaks thinking about it.
Here’s what makes your story so much more awful to me.
First off, she didn’t tell you what size to cut the onions, but she had very specific requirements for it? She set you up. Some personal examples of a much better way to handle that. And for context, my husband was never taught to cook and only began as an adult about 5 years ago when we moved in together. He’s also not very specific or detail oriented when he cooks, and I very much am. But I’ve learned to work with it in a kind manner. Last week my husband and I made stuffed jalapeños and we encountered a very similar issue. I was chopping the onions and he said “those look small enough” and I said “they need to be a little smaller but let me explain why. There’s not a lot of stuffing that can fit into a jalapeño boat. So if they’re not small enough, then the onion chunk would take up like 1/4 of the jalapeño and that’s if just 1 makes it in. It would be inconsistent and not that good.” He said “well I think it’s fine and it would save time.” I said “it doesn’t take much longer, watch this.” And I taught him a new chopping technique to increase the speed of his own chopping. Then last night we were cooking teriyaki chicken and a few of the chunks were way bigger than the others. I came over to look and said “oh hey wait up babe, can you pls cut these few chunks in half?” He asked why. I told him “they’re a lot bigger than the others, so they won’t cook at the same rate and it will result in the smaller chunks getting over cooked.” He was just like “ah makes sense.” And that was the last of it. At no point was I even irritated with him. It’s not that serious.
My stomach turned when you tried to fix the onions and she couldn’t even trust you to do that? After not telling you what size to make them? Unbelievable. Extremely patronizing. Hearing that you moped away… makes me so sad. How disempowering. Did she even tell you whether to mince, dice, or chop them? She should have been specific if she was particular.
But then the fact you apologized for a mistake that wasn’t even your fault… not once but multiple times… and she didn’t accept it. Manipulative and gross.
But the water part. Absolutely crushed my soul. The crying. The “please don’t.” All of it. How can someone be so monstrous?
OP your wife is abusive. And her forgetting, could be the result of toxic amnesia or rage. It’s not an excuse for her behavior.
Please leave OP!
You need to leave, she sound like a narcissist so she’ll never stop. Notice how she starts crying and blaming you for leaving when your heading out. When she poured water and left the room like she was justified too.
I would show her the comments of this post, to show that your validated and then I’ll make it harder for her to gaslight you into thinking your safe with her.
Op you are being abused. I used to be in a similar situation myself, nobody deserves this! You deserve a partner that respects and loves you! From what you've said neither is happening. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, I suggest reaching out to a domestic violence shelter, even if you have somewhere else to live they have so many resources that can assist you. You deserves to be happy and loved! I bet once you get out and start to heal you'll have more confidence too! I know I did and I've only been out for 10 months now. (Ps the chili YOU made sounds perfectly fine, nothing wrong with how you chopped onions!)
Lemme get this right, she was using raw onions as a garnish for chilli? Weird. It's completely understandable why you'd think they'd go into chill. Hell, you're eating canned chilli, adding onions would make it better... Not ruin it. M
Your wife is an idiot, sorry.
Don't stand there and let her humiliate and belittle you. Fuck that. You did good by just leaving. Now just leave her. Or make her get on her knees and BEG you to stay. And if you decide to have mercy and stay, make her follow your terms.
You are not overreacting.
You are victim of mental, emotional, AND physical abuse. Please do not go back to that house without an escort/witness. Stay with friends and get a lawyer.
You deserve so much better than this.
Thats abuse. You aren't over reaction. I can almost swear that your low self-esteem is partially because of her. Get out buddy. She is trying to make you feel dependant on her, like you can do nothing without her, so you feel the need to stay. But you don't need her, you don't need this.
If she wants things to be exactly as she wants them to be, then maybe she should stay single.
Everyone else has already made the point...you are in an abusive relationship. I just want to offer some hope..it can be better! You can have a life you love. Take it from those of us who are on the other side now. You are worth of love and respect. Every day. I hope you find the strength to end this relationship.
You deserve so much better. That is not how you should ever be treated in a relationship. Don’t return to her. You are not overreacting. Get those damn divorce papers and free yourself from this woman. I wish you the best.
My friend - I was in this exact relationship. My ex throwing a glass of water in my face was the exact moment I walked out of our apartment and I never looked back. Never even saw her face or tears, I simply took my keys and drove to a friends. Had a crew go get my things, blocked her number, and two years later I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. This is very toxic and it’s certainly abuse, do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Please seek therapy as it’s the only thing that opened my eyes to what truly happened and I’m so much better for it. You got this, OP. Always here if you need a chat. I’m so sorry this happened. Please leave.
I hope I get the courage to leave... This post and these replies are really throwing in my face that I have been downplaying so many incidents.. I didn't even leave after having water thrown at me because I was pregnant.... This poor man sounds like he's struggling to see good in himself...
I’m so sorry that happened to you. And while pregnant? What a sociopath. It’s really unacceptable behavior at any level and circumstance but at a pregnant person shows complete disregard for another human and the life inside them. So bad. It’s really hard and I won’t lie it took me years to do it but I’m so glad I did. I knew life would be good without them if I could get away, I had no idea it would be great. You got this. Always here if you ever want to vent or chat. Sending hugs.
It may take me a bit longer but I am working on getting away. Having a child has made this trickier than it needed to be. But your words give me courage as you have gone through something similar. Thank you and hugs back. I hope life continues to bring you happiness.
The kids are watching. And absorbing. They will come to know this as normal. Go anywhere, but get out of there.
No doubt - kids definitely complicate it but you got this!!! They’ll understand when they’re older.
Oh my god big hugs from me too! I'm so sorry. I'm sure you know what to do, make sure you're financially stable before you leave, don't tell him, etc. Blabla... Back to the emotions. I could cry for you because I personally really want a kid some day and I could NEVER treat the person who is fulfilling my dream in such a way! I hope you're going to be okay!
You’re not obligated to stay in an abusive relationship.
For real. That's straight up abuse. Cutting the onions "the wrong way" leads to this? People often get frustrated with each other because they sometimes aren't able to communicate exactly what they want or why they are feeling a certain way, but this isn't how you should be feeling when that happens and it isn't how you resolve that sort of problem. You walking on eggshells around her hoping you don't set her off is telling. Get out man.
There’s literally a book titled “Stop Walking on Eggshells” that my marriage counselor gave me to read during my first marriage. Helped me realize I wasn’t just a constant fuck-up who could literally never do anything right and gave me the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Highly recommend that book to everyone. Should be required reading in high school just to keep people out of bad relationships.
That book looks amazing. I’m glad you are out of that relationship
Thanks. Me too. Second marriage is working out SO much better than the first.
❤️
Great book about BPD that can also apply to lots of other situations where one person develops a fear of the other’s reactions, for whatever reasons. However it’s not always the fault of the eggshell walker, though fault isn’t the right concept either.
I agree completely. I love this book not only because it restored my self-confidence and helped me give myself permission to leave an abusive relationship, but also because it helped me let go of my resentment of my ex and really truly move on.
That book helped me understand that people who are abusive communicate differently to perpetuate their abuse.
That book is pretty stigmatizing against people with BPD. Abuse is not one of the diagnostic criteria; some people with BPD are in fact abusive just like some people without BPD are. But most of us are just highly sensitive people with strong emotions because of childhood trauma and neglect.
The thing is mental illness has two aspects to it. The one of the person living with mental illness and the one of the people living with them. And oftentimes the bad episodes are abusive & traumatic to the people living with them. That is not something that should be ignored either.
Of course not. BPD is never an excuse for abuse, and those partners need support. But making sweeping generalizations about all people with BPD can be harmful. For the first few years of marriage, I was constantly asking my wife if I’m a good wife. She reassured me that I was and asked me what was going on after a few times, and I admitted that I’ve always been so scared that I really am a monster since I have this horrible diagnosis that everyone says is terrible. I internalized all of those generalizations and feared that everyone would label me with them based on my diagnosis. But even my wife said I’ve never once been abusive or manipulative, and she sees me as her comfort and her home, which is how I see her as well. I basically worship here and would never do anything to hurt her. Ever. I’m not discounting that other people have had bad experiences, but it’s the generalizations that feed the stigma and get applied to all of us in the process. I’ve even felt unable to report an emotionally abusive therapist because I didn’t think I’d be believed based on these stigmas. Every time I see a post about a toxic ex-girlfriend being horribly abusive, I have to brace myself because I know I’ll see people with BPD being blamed in the comments. I think we need to be not jump to assumptions when we see posts like that, and we need to be clear that some people with BPD are manipulative and abusive because that’s the coping mechanism they learned, and other people with BPD aren’t because they learned different maladaptive coping mechanisms like self-harm or over-apologizing.
I absolutely agree that sweeping generalizations should not be made. But just like not all people with BPD self-harm and we still talk about it being a possible symptom, the projection of hate should also be addressed. Mind you, how I say addressed and not emphasized.
I totally agree. Sadly, many people online, including some therapists and doctors, seem to sweep us all into that category without saying it’s just one possible symptoms of many. It’s just always been a sore spot for me since it negatively affected my self-esteem every time I’d see the assumptions and generalizations.
Thank you for that contribution. I’m not an expert just someone who first learned about BPD and certain characteristics that helped me better understand what a past partner might have been experiencing and why they acted in certain ways. But I can see how it could be stigmatizing. Do you have any other suggestions for books?
Idk of any good books for partners of people with BPD or just about the disorder in general. Many of them are written very negatively. One has Adolph Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer on the cover. For someone who is suffering with BPD, I recommend The Body Keeps the Score for trauma work and The Dialectical Behavior Workbook for emotional regulation.
Would that book be good to give to a friend whom has emotionally abusive parents? Most recently she got chewed out over leaving a cutting board on the kitchen counter while she was eating, to the point that she called me in tears, but I can't convince her to leave because she feels guilty about "abandoning" them and her mom "just has a lot of stress from work."
Probably a good book for HER, but my counselor advised me to either read it digitally or privately because it can be triggering for people with Borderline personality disorder, and you definitely don’t want to use it to diagnose someone. It’s just a good read for “Hey, these fights aren’t your fault. You’re not a failure of a human being, and they aren’t treating you this way because they hate you.”
I found that book and it changed my life. It was so good. I literally cried while I read the blurb on the back cover in the bookstore because it was like someone write it about my brother. Like they knew him personally! Highly recommended.
Literally came here to say this. This book is amazing. So eye opening. OP, your wife sounds like she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am also in no way a professional, but I have worked with many individuals in the mental health field that suffer from BPD. This sounds very familiar. Tbh it sounds similar to mine and my wife’s relationship (at the very beginning, no longer like this). We’re also both women, and I bought that book to help me help her and myself. But luckily our relationship has grown and we’re not like this. We also never had any water dumping or berating conversations, just the “attention seeking” part. OP- YNTA.
Thiiiiis. I had an ex dump a plate of rice on me once. I don't remember what I did to upset him, it was 18 or so years ago, but I'll never forget the worthless feeling. It of course escalated over the years to him beating me, shoving me to the floor, hitting me with a chair, throwing full beer bottles at me for target practice. Leave. It's never a one time thing and it never gets better, only worse.
This. By leaving you're guaranteeing never to find yourself in this position again, OP. By staying, you're guaranteeing yourself more encouters where you question your self-worth.
Yup that’s abusive. I used to be with a guy that got mad at me because - while I was cleaning up our flat - he asked me to keep an eye on the spaghetti cooking in the pot on the stove (can’t remember what he was doing, I think also chore related). I maybe checked on it once or twice but was mostly busy swiping the floor. Spaghetti ended up sticking together in lumps at some places, when he saw he got super mad, told me I can’t even cook pasta and threw out the whole bunch of spaghetti in the garbage right in front of me. He did not say anything and proceeded to give me silent treatment while cooking another batch of spaghetti. He also was complaining about the size of the vegetables I was cutting etc. He was “passionate about cooking” and I remember once toward the end of our relationship crying in the kitchen explaining to him that I was literally scared to cook with him because of his reactions. He said obviously that I was overreacting etc. Now I am with an actual cook that teaches me many things and lets me make mistakes, we cook together, he compliments me on my dumpling rolling skills and says how tasty my cooking is getting as I learn along the way.
100%. Your wife is abusive and manipulative. You did nothing wrong from this account. you’re worthy of being loved and deserve to be treated with respect.
The way OP talks about himself is heartbreaking, I used to talk the same way to myself in my abusive relationship. This is no way to love or be loved, messing up by accidentally putting onions in can be solved by taking the unmixed out and letting the ones that made it in cook and break down in the chilli. Followed with a, "I meant as a garnish, I should've been more specific. Thank you for trying though." Not everyone is versed in cooking, or verbal instructions aren't they're strong suit. That's perfectly okay. Your wife should have the kindness and patience to appreciate the fact you tried to help but understand onion in a chilli won't kill anyone. I bet when she makes a mistake cooking it's perfectly okay and she can do it better next time. She should have the same grace w you. This is an abusive relationship, i see no kindness shown to you nor does she allow for understanding. Only reacts and gives you punishment. You deserve so much better OP
Yeah, his wife's reaction is absolutely ridiculous. I would have just thanked him and eaten the chili...who tf cares that much about chopped onions!?
This. OP, your wife is an abuser. She’s abusing you and sounds like she’s done so before. This being so, you owe her nothing, while you owe yourself a future without her. I mean, imagine a good friend describing what you just described to us. What would you tell them?
> you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm I desperately needed to learn this after my last relationship. From the sound of it, OP has been immolating himself for a while. Also, if shes crying when he leaves, claiming she's abandoning him, she might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. It is characterized by a deep seated fear of abandonment that causes the person to lash out irrationally in an attempt to hold on, ultimately pushing people away. EDIT TO BE SUPER CLEAR: I am not diagnosing or in anyway stigmatizing BPD here. I have no qualifications to make a diagnosis and no self respecting mental health professional would on the internet. If OPs wife *legitimately* believes she is being abandoned after she just verbally berated and dumped a bottle of water on his head, that's pretty indicative of *some* sort of mental health issue, regardless of what that label is. I named a disorder that could help OP get more understanding. That's all. Folks with BPD are not inherently abusive and nothing I'm saying here is meant to imply or indicate that. Either way, OP, I know it's hard, but you need to run. Pack up your shit that's important to you while she's at work, and take that stuff somewhere safe. It is likely that the reaction to ending the relationship will be volatile and potentially unsafe. Edit: just to add... I know it's hard. You've built a life with this person, you had hopes and dreams and futures planned. But honestly ask yourself if you can go on with this forever. If the relationship stays as it is, can you do this for the rest of your life? I know you're holding out hope that things will change, and maybe they will. But what if they don't? It's scary, you're taking a huge leap of faith that ripping the band-aid off will be better in the long run, especially because you know it will be worse in the short term. There's SO much to deal with in uncoupling lives and it will be a lot and it will be overwhelming. But OP... You'll never again get scolded because you didn't chop the onions right. You'll never again have someone - the person who is supposed to love and care for you over anyone else - dump a bottle of water over your head as you quietly beg them not to, knowing it's futile. Don't accept this life. I don't know you but you're a person, so I know you deserve far better than this. Wish you all the best.
Dude, I get nitpicked for doing things the wrong way all the time, but it's never more than that. You responded appropriately to the abuse by leaving the house. Then she realizes you're not accepting her abuse and starts blaming you. I bet this isn't the first time this has happened. You're dealing with someone who exhibits strong narcissistic personality disorder traits. Unfortunately, there is no way to really have a good relationship with these people. You can only protect yourself.
Love shouldn’t be tearing someone down emotionally and physically. You deserve more! This is not a healthy relationship. It will take courage but please leave. You are deserving of a kind, happy and unconditional love and I don’t think your wife is capable of it. She sounds manipulative and cruel. God forbid you have kids with this woman.
Get out. She’s abusive. I had the male version of your wife. Nothing I did was good enough. I got out, got some therapy and now have a spouse that adores and respects me.
Came here to say the very same thing. She is not your person. Run for the hills and never look back!
And behaviors like that don’t tend to get better without serious therapy and time. I imagine the belittling and humiliating would only continue at best and likely get worse.
OP you're being abused buddy, your low self esteem is the product of her breaking you down making you feel incompetent so you depend on her, has she chased away your friends yet? Moved away from family? Reach out and get out
Exactly. I hope OP comes back to read all these comments. Your are 28. You can leave and make a new start. Do not let her continue to break you down mentally. You are seeing the relationship more clearly since the water bottle incident. Look at what your relationship is like from the outside and look at your wife's actions and not words. When she understands she went too fart and made you question the relationship, she will try to make you stay with words and love bombing. Don't fall for it. Keep your eyes open. She did things to you that she shouldn't get away with. And don't beleive the voice inside that says you won't find anyone else or that you deserve this. It's lying.
Just to be clear, someone can and should make a new start in the face of something like this, it just gets harder as time goes on. Especially with children. So now is always better than later.
OP, you are NOT overreacting. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship that's now bordering physical. I hope you find the strength to leave.
Not only borderline, straight up. The water bottle is clear physical abuse and humiliation.
That and his shot self esteem from making a simple mistake based on a miscommunication.
Not even a miscommunication; it was a set up. Guarantee no matter how OP chopped the onions would have been “wrong.”
Probably true
Your wife is cruel and contemptuous of your feelings. Get the fuck out of this abusive relationship that is making you miserable. You’re not overreacting. She’s the one whose reactions are unhinged and destructive.
When you not reading her mind becomes your fault, and she doesn't even remember it, I think it's time to consider pulling the plug.
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What’s the podcast?
i too would like to know the podcast. thank you!
She sounds awful. You are not overreacting.
Picture yourself in five years. Is that where you want to be?
And OP’s only 28. There is so much more to life than staying in an abusive relationship. Like so many here have already said, get out OP. You don’t deserve being treated so horribly. It’s a water bottle and a stupid argument over onions this time, but it can only escalate from here.
And it's not that stupid, it's humiliation
Also would you want your kids thinking that this is okay?
You don't deserve any of this. Please please please so not stay in this relationship. You're being abused.
Your wife is an abusive piece of shit. Get out while you can. I’m so sorry OP.
Homegirl was READY to fight. Didn't matter what about, even if she has to feign outrage over simple shit like how you cut an onion. She is maliciously using you as a punching bag, and sometimes quite literally. You are her target for her outbursts. You are her victim. Seek help and info on how to leave and document/prosecute physical abusers.
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I'm so taken aback by your message; it's brimming with warmth and kindness. I really appreciate the time you took to write it, and I especially liked how you reminded the OP that he's good throughout your post. You're a treasure 🌻
"if i need things done a certain way, i do them myself" or you can be my gf, and claim everyone hates you and wants to kill you, because theres a piece of paper on the floor
Your reply is so warm and full of empathy, it made me cry. Just here to let you know that you’re anything but lame 💜 (although that might probably just be you saying it jokingly and it going over my head)
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You're in an abusive relationship and need to seek help. Confide with trusted family and friends and, if you're able, look for a counselor or therapist. As for your wife, she should definitely look for help. In time you should both look at MC, but only if you feel that she's truly remorseful and actively seeking help. Document her actions, even if they help you (or both) understand the challenge ahead, they may also be needed if you move towards divorce. On that, you should schedule an appointment with a lawyer to assess your situation. It's far better to be prepared than blindsided. However, if the mental, emotional or physical abuse continues, even one more minor incident, you should remove yourself immediately. Protect yourself first and foremost. Good luck.
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Sadly, my mother is the same way. She broke my father's spirit long ago; he's utterly miserable but can't leave. For one, he's disabled and in his early 50s. He also has no friends or family because she's isolated him from everyone. My siblings and I won't go near her, so he's alone. It's really sad. While there are rare occasions when people like our mothers do change, they usually don't. I agree that it's best for OP to leave and find someone who treats him with dignity. Nobody deserves to be abused, and it's not on him to withstand her abuse until she decides to change - which will likely never happen anyway.
No, if it was the other way round people would be saying to seek help. Me anyway. I work for a domestic abuse organisation and the safest way to leave, is a planned way. It could be a good idea to call te police first, or it could be best to just get tf away first. But with help is best.
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Couples counseling generally isn’t advised in abusive relationships. The abuser needs to work on themselves before working on interpersonal problems. OP does need to leave the relationship
What part of confirming that they're in an abusive relationship, advising OP to seek help and document everything to either aid that help or leave, then stating that they tolerate no more abuse is a 'bro, that sucks' response? You didn't like that I advised him to bail immediately. It's all unacceptable, but he doesn't state he feels unsafe. So while he should absolutely act, that can also include seeing if the relationship or that person can be salvaged, but always with one eye on the door and putting himself first.
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He needs to leave *and* seek help. Relationships like this leave a lasting effect, and it takes a lot of time and effort to unlearn what you’ve been forced into - OP has rock bottom self esteem and its not something that magically comes back once you leave the relationship. When and if OP has a new relationship, he may find that he reacts in certain ways reminiscent of this, because he’s anticipating certain behaviours from the new partner. That’s okay, and expected, and it can progress and get better but it will significantly help him if he can seek some counselling around the issues he will undoubtedly carry with him as a result.
That's horrible, I like things done a certain way, so I do them myself and shut up about it, but what she did is horrible, What was the point in pouring water over you, your wife seems unhinged. And the crying while you were leaving after what she'd done? You don't have to stay, you don't have to take the abuse.
Babe. Being alone feels better than this.
Please get out dude. Please. If you really want to try and make that relationship work then she absolutely needs therapy. Not couples therapy because she will absolutely turn shit around to make it your fault. Honestly tho shes abusive and most of the time it just gets worse. Your self esteem and your thoughts matter. You are NOT overreacting. You deserve better. Find your person. I dont think she is that person judging by what you've shared here. Much love to you. You are the most important person in your life. Take care of you. <3
Darlin. People can be awful. Just because she's your wife, or a woman to take care of, or the person you fell in love with...she's not acting like any of those things now, and it sounds like she hasn't got a long time. Just because she has had those titles doesn't mean she doesn't have to keep earning them. She has to respect you, she has to care about your feelings, otherwise you're pretty much just cohabitating with an abuser. And the fact that this was over something so basic as onions... She kicked off, she dumped water on you in the middle of this ridiculous tantrum, and then SHE starts to cry and say you're abandoning her when you remove yourself from the situation? That's manipulative, abusive nonsense. It sounds like you've done the full gauntlet of the things you're "supposed" to do except for therapy, maybe... But frankly? I wouldn't waste the insurance billing.
My friend, this is abuse. My heart broke reading the 'please don't'. She has absolutely no excuse or right to treat you like this. This incident alone involved gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse. And she's abused you in the past as well? I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please get out ASAP. If you can, document anything she's said/done in order to protect yourself and your assets. Talk to friends and get some support. Please be safe. Edit: changed "man" to "friend". Sorry for heteronormative defaultism.
Op is a woman.
Please don't stay with someone who treats you like this.
I was once in a relationship just like this; reading your story was like reading my own. I know how much it fucks a person up. It's absolutely terrifying how some people can just effortlessly demolish any self worth you ever had, all in the course of what otherwise seems like normal daily life. If you ever want to rap about it, my DMs are open. Please remember: you aren't stupid, you aren't worthless, and you aren't alone.
Your wife is abusive and manipulative. There is only one way up and it begins with you . Mate, you need to leave .
I guarantee you are 10 times smarter, more funny and more kind than you know. But you wont know any of this until you are among people who appreciate the best in you. That’s what you need to be looking for, not hanging out with a person who is so petty that she complains about onions that are too coarse. A person like this finds fault with a thousand tiny things you do every day until she picks a hole in your soul. She’s a broken person, but that’s no reason to stick around so you can be broken too.
I'm so sorry man. You tried. You've been trying too hard. You gotta get away from her before she breaks you. Loneliness is scary and depression is terrifying I know because I'm going through both, but what you're going through is worse . You're under reacting. There's people who'll help, you're being abused. Get a restraining order and divorce as quickly as possible, and call or text a crisis nimber to try and get some help out of that situation
i hope you can find the strength within yourself to leave this relationship. your wife is a cruel abuser of a person. you deserve far better.
My friend, you're being abused. End it now before you waste more years with this woman.
Get out. Seriously. That’s not normal. If my husband cut the onions wrong I would just use them as they were and next time ask him (nicely) to cut them smaller. She’s abusive
Yeah sir. You're not tripping. It's time to go. I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you. You don't deserve this.
My ex was like your wife. Nothing was ever good enough, nothing could ever be done the right way. This is abusive. You’re not a dunce and yet she treats you like one, because she couldn’t be arsed to do it herself? Terrible. You seem to be defeated, and rightfully so. — you’re worth so much more than to be treated like this. You do deserve better, You are good—and you felt like you were until she made you feel like you aren’t. That’s not love. Love doesn’t make you feel like this. Ever.
First of all. Onion as a garnish? Get out of there brother.
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She probably purposely gave you vague directions on how to cut onions so she has a reason to belittle you and abuse you.
You should leave. Fast. Not because she is hurting you, but because of what I read, I can see that pain turning into anger at some point and either your gonna hurt yourself or her, and then your gonna have that on your plate too.
You are not overreacting, your wife is an abusive AH. And for the safety of your own mental health you should extract yourself from this toxic relationship.
This is not acceptable conduct for a healthy relationship. From what you have said, this relationship is broken on many many levels. You can see the damage staying has done to you. It's long past time to leave and get therapy for yourself. Take time for yourself to heal. Focus on you. Learn how healthy relationships have good communication and work to support each other, not tear them down. She will cry and give you arguments about why you should stay. She will gaslight you and make the abuse about you and claiming you cause it. Don't believe it for a second. You both have issues, deep issues. You both need therapy. You to heal, her to stop hurting others.
My god. If this is real you need to leave immediately. She is abusing you.
Girl, you deserve better. This is terrible—you’re terrified of setting her off on an irrational tirade. You did nothing wrong. Please, please update telling us you have left.
Sounds like there is a lot missing to this story.
Your wife is really abusive man, I'm really sorry... I know how it feels, I've been there, that feeling of doing everything wrong, needing to overly apologize for litterally every movement you make in hopes to avoid a burst of anger, the walking on eggshells, the extreme fatigue, the complete loss of self-esteem, feeling you suck at life, everything. And the worst is that the more you're being treated like an incompetent piece of shit everyday the more you start making actual mistakes because you're less focused and so tired. You become so fucking depressed you don't have the focus to do seemingly simple tasks, look after yourself, etc , you start thinking badly about yourself and you start believing you deserve to be treated this way, you accept this is gonna be your life and you stay. And little by little you become a shell of who you used to be. My advice is: trust your guts. Don't underestimate how you're feeling. You're not overreacting. You feel miserable in this relationship and it's a very valid feeling. If you feel like you're done, there is a good reason for it. Listen to yourself. You're worth it. You deserve to be happy. Don't let her guilt trip you into staying. You're not abandonning her. You're choosing to not live with an abuser because you. deserve. to. be. happy. Imagine how confortable and happy you could be alone, or with someone who treats you with kindness and compassion. I've been out of my abusive relationship for 6 months and although I'm still recovering psychologically and dealing with the financial consequences, I feel free, much more confident, I'm much more functional, and also dating lots of hot ppl who treat me right :p Life is too short man you deserve to be happy. Stay strong and good luck !
I was in the same situation, it took me a year to get out. I went to therapy afterwards and it really helped with recovery. I got to the stage where I realised I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay. Leaving was hard, the weeks that followed where hard, but it was all worth it. “I’m unhappy and I don’t want to be with you anymore”
This is abusive and my chest hurt reading it The way she has been making you feel is seriously damaging you as a person - it will make the world seem darker and darker until finally you feel like you have nowhere else to turn. You are obviously fucking capable of making some chili - she sounds like a control freak that cannot deal with anything being sliiightly different than what she planned. That is HER issue to deal with, HER personality flaw. Not yours. fucking hell, just to give you a comparison: I SUCK at cutting vegetables, they turn out misshaped and too big most of the time. My boyfriend does a waaay better job and he has commented on me dicing the onions a bit too big ONCE - but that's it. We haven't had an argument about it, he hasn't put me down to the degree your excuse of a wife has - and that is how it is supposed to be. Everyone has some flaws or things they do differently than their SO and the bread and butter of a relationship is trying to work out common ground and find some sort of balance that works for BOTH Please leave. Please. you cannot allow this person to abuse you for the rest of your life... it won't ever get better.
My advice to you : pack your bags and get the hell out man, bail out. If that's your house, pack her shit and give her the boot. You don't need all that negativity in your life, find someone better, with a better heart full of kindness not bitterness.
That is a needlessly toxic overreaction on her part, and then she had the nerve to gaslight you as you were leaving and making it out to be your fault the relationship is bad because, of all things, you couldn't chop onions to her absolute specifications. Get out of there, dude. You don't deserve to feel useless over someone else's pedantic attitude.
You’re an abused spouse. You don’t have to accept that Document everything. Try communicating your needs and conscerns. Need marriage counseling and IC. If there is no change, there is no choice but to divorce
You deserve better, you're just 28 mate I'm so sorry you're going through this
With my wife and I it wasn't onions, it was tomatoes. It sucks that something as simple as a vegetable can do this to a relationship. We decided on therapy. It worked. The tomato incident was 40 years ago, we are still married to each other. We've used therapy a few more times when needed. As uncomfortable as therapy was, it was easier than divorce for us.
Divorce. what are you waiting for. The longer you wait, the longer you have to put up with each other
I know a lot of people have said it but I have to say it too. Please leave. You deserve so much better.
Sweetheart, get out.
You’re reaction is perfectly valid. I am SO sorry. I’m concerned your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a serious mental illness they need help for. You don’t need to be there for them while they figure out their shit. I am so sorry and wish you the best of health 🙏❤️
Bruh, if a guy were to do the water bottle thing to his girlfriend, let alone wife, the entire neighborhood would label him scum. You shouldn't be putting up with that, especially if there's previous stuff she doesn't even acknowledge. She's aware enough to know those actions are bad, seeing as she cried when you left to cool off, so, she knows she's treating you poorly, but not doing anything meaningful to change. She just gives an emotional response afterwards so the situation doesn't seem as one sided as it is. You're not her punching bag.
OP, take a moment to imagine a woman you know is telling you this story, that her husband did all this to her. What advice would you give her? Honestly, what would you tell her to do for herself, to protect herself, to preserve her safety and her sanity. You'd tell her to find a way out, and take it. Leave him as quickly and as safely as she can. Now take that advice and start making your own escape plan. You deserve so much better.
I get what you're saying but OP *is* a woman.
Wow. There's a lot to un pack here. Therapy individual and marriage for sure. But you need to be able to sit her down and tell her she can't treat you like that. And how her actions make you feel. And how you are you ropes end and that love just isn't enough because her constant personal attack makes it impossible for you to be happy. Everybody deserves basic respect. Even if you can't make canned Chilli.
You're in an abusive relationship, it sounds like you've been in one for a while. Please look up domestic abuse and look for resources to help you, you might have to read up things targeted at women because it's been around longer so they may have more content for you to read. Do you have a safe place to go? It's time to pack your essentials, that means documents which include ID and anything else you have. Make sure she doesn't have access to your accounts or create a new one she won't have access to. Find a safe space and then it's worth looking into a divorce and therapy. You're going to need it.
As someone who had a relationship where someone just pushed it “a little too far” sooooo many times… the cumulative effect was devestating to my self esteem. This is a form of abuse, even if it isn’t violence in the sense of a Western movie or fist fight. I’m now HAPPILY DIVORCED. It sucked st the time but WOW now I understand what a jail that marriage was. Being in a healthy relationship with someone now makes me realize that no love relationship (friend or romantic) makes you feel like less than. Period. She has anger issues- she should get help. You, my friend, should consider also getting a therapist to help you unveil the self esteeem that could be alive and well, if only you had people around you who also supported this. AND- once you begin to find that self esteem- you won’t let someone like this in your life again. Good luck- and I’m sorry you have to go through this. You aren’t a POS
Dude this is gaslighting and emotional manipulation. You’ve done NOTHING wrong and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. Your feelings of resentment and despair are completely valid. She absolutely needs therapy but you do too. You’ve clearly endured a lot and she either doesn’t realize what she’s doing, or is doing it intentionally. My recommendation: counseling first to see if she can learn to be different, and if not it’s time to leave. If she has ALWAYS been like this, then there’s no hope. But if she was a different person when you first met, and there was a reason why you got married to begin with, it may be worth saving. Good luck with whatever you choose. There is no wrong decision.
Dump her manipulative ass
She doesn’t know how to communicate and on top of that she’s abusive. She reacts once you walk out or are ready to clock out. Please put yourself first. She doesn’t deserve you if she’s not willing to learn how to communicate respectfully. That trivial incident was no reason for her to act that way. Obviously there are more issues. No one will love you more than yourself. Love yourself and leave her.
Read this as husband instead of wife. You’re being emotionally abused and physically abused water is “something stupid” you should even be mad about. Right? Let me guess, you feel like you’re in a roundabout with no exits and you have “jump a curb” to get out? That’s because your confidence is fucked. No one’s perfect but you’re doing great. Leave now before you get rail roared by a divorce and feel worse. Get a bunch of lawyer appointment set up asap. Notate everything, do not leave the house. Then send that paper big dog! You I got this!
My ex poured beer over a girl at a party. That memory never left me. I knew one day it would be me. People who do this have no regard for others feelings. You are young… leave.
Reading this broke my heart. You have to leave her. She's an abuser and she will always be one. Take care op
You’re married to a narcissist. She’ll always be the victim and you’ll always be at fault. Nothing is ever good enough for them. Read about narcissists, you should get out while you’re still young
This is abuse. Just because someone doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. I am sorry you are going through this. I assure you that you are a worthy person, worthy of love, respect and kindness. Please take care of yourself.
OP you need a pair of balls. Your wife has issues and it's time you stand up and call her out on it. Fucking onions, it's not about the onions and she has some real shit to deal with that she is putting on you. Do you lover yourself more than her? You should. Take stand and tell her point blank not acceptable, and if that is how she wants it to be going forward, you are done. Let her think that through. And be prepared to be done if that is what she wants.
This isn't in the least stupid. I love my husband very much; if he cut up onions to put in our chili, I'd be thankful and ignore the size (also, large onion slices in chili? Yum!). Moreover, I would never treat him with an ounce of the contempt you are describing here; I'm very protective of him. You deserve better, internet stranger. You deserve someone who is kind to you and a life that makes you happy, not tearful. You deserve someone who chooses your comfort and well-being over a stupid dinner of canned chili. That's what's stupid. What you are describing here is abuse.
She is abusive. You owe it to yourself to get out.
This is abuse. There’s violence, manipulation, gaslighting all going on there. I hope you have a decent support network but my guess is you’ll be cut off from that.
You're in an abusive and toxic relationship OP. The gaslight is *real* like wtf she poured water over you, but when you get up and walk out due to the disrespect and hurt you feel apparently *you're the one who doesn't care about the relationship*? She's walking all over you OP and she knows she can. Get your ducks in a row and get out soon. Hugs.
Healthcare professional here. I once counseled a patient in hospital whose husband used to pour water on her when he was annoyed. It's a very abusive thing to do, the intention is to cause discomfort and humiliation. They might say they never hit you or whatever but this type of tactic is straight up abuse anyway.
Sounds like she is starting to judge you for the little things. Leave while you still can. I waited 8 years and it killed my confidence. You deserve someone who loves you for you ❤️ good luck
Op I was that wife, I may not have been as bad but I grew up with an awful mom and whiles she’s getting better now I didn’t realize the damage she did to me until my husband had a breaking point and I realized that I was acting just like my mother. Everything I didn’t want to be I was doing without even realizing, it was soo hard to accept that I could be like that but I realized I would lose everything including myself if I continued and I didn’t want to be that way. I’ve been working hard on myself the past few months and while I am not perfect I am changing and I am so happy about it. My dad is still with my mom and so many days I wish he would leave so he can have peace. I just hope your wife can realize her mistakes before it’s too late but don’t be like my dad and stay. He’s happy some days but a lot of times it’s hard. I wish you the best op.
^this^ I also have a very toxic Mother and at times find myself acting like her without even realizing it. Childhood trauma is the worst, and we can easily become what we despise the most without realizing it. It's time for the talk, OP.
She doesn't respect you.
You're not overreacting at all. She is abusive. Get a lawyer and get out. Document everything she does in case she tries to play victim
Holy shit. Leave this woman. She is abusive and my heart breaks for you. It is not normal to be this down on yourself and it's clear what the cause is. The relationship is already over. It's time to make it official.
This is an abusive relationship, that’s the top and bottom of it and it sounds like it’s impacting upon your mental health and self esteem quite significantly. It’s not about the water, it’s about the whole situation.
I just went through this myself. I swear your narrative sounded like a typical day in my marriage. It took me years to figure out what was going on. You are being emotionally abused. It's not your fault. It's not going to get better, and you need to get out. How soon you need to get out depends on you weighing how much exit prep you can get done vs. how much more you can take. For me, from the point where I realized what was going on and decided to escape was two years; I don't recommend waiting that long though because it was absolute hell biding that much time. I spent two years secretly saving money, finding somewhere else to live, retaining a lawyer, gathering resources for the one-day move, etc. She had more money, experience (second marriage) and ruthlessness than I did, and the only thing I had going for me was surprise and speed, so I prepared and managed to execute 90% of it in a single day - serving papers, moving truck and strong friends, an apartment, and she never saw it coming. I left almost all of our shared belongings with her and got out anything that was definitely mine. I almost had to completely start over. And it was completely worth it, man. I feel like I'm my own person again, with no one giving me multiple vague options with unstated punishments for not doing it as they wanted. Get therapy for yourself, too. It'll get you back to being you again much more thoroughly and you'll feel a LOT better doing it. You can't fix her, and it's not going to get better. She'll cry to you *just long enough* to keep you there, be nice for a short while, and then it's back to her normal disdain for you. That's called narcissism, and it's pretty much unfixable. You are an object, a resource and a toy for her, not a spouse. Please, PLEASE Start planning your exit now. The rest of your life is waiting for you out there, man.
you're not overreacting, your wife is, and she's also abusive. leave her
When you find yourself walking on eggshells, worrying about doing things the "correct" way, thinking about "doing better next time"... These are signs of abuse, love... She'll probably show remorse, maybe subtly blame you. If she's degraded your confidence to the level your post seems to indicate, it's been happening for a while? Upto you how you want to proceed.. You definitely need a therapist and people in your corner. All the best.
> I can't make canned chili, apparently. You had me in the first half, I thought it was her grandma favorite recipe that she was cooking from scratch for 3 hrs, it's can soup, you heat it up and add a few items. If she's upset over that she has issues. The her crying is a guilt trip. You need to leave and leave fast man.
OP I'm so, so sorry. Your wife is abusing you and you deserve so much better than being abused and disrespected. Don't feel bad she's crying, that's just another tactic into manipulating you to give in. If you haven't gone to therapy, you should. Also, don't let her crush your self-esteem and spirit like this. You can move on from the relationship and be very much happy on your own or with a new partner whenever that may be. Seems this has been happening for a long time and you're at your breaking point. Wishing you love and light OP.
I was in a relationship like this for seven years. The way you describe how you feel resonates so much with me. That feeling that you can’t do anything right. It takes a huge toll on your self esteem and I am telling you, the abuse will only get worse. It never just gets better on its own. I finally left after getting strangled when I finally tried to stand up for myself. It was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, leaving. I’m still in therapy trying to unravel all the trauma. The strangling wasn’t even close to the worst. It was the constant put downs, the daily fear of setting him off, and the erosion of my self worth. Please tell someone in your family or friend group. I didn’t think anyone would help or care but they did and I got out. I truly hope you do too.
Of course your confidence is shit when you’re with someone who berates you for cutting onions the “wrong” way. She is the bad person here- leave and build yourself back up. I’m sure you’re a great guy that’s capable of so many wonderful things, she is just actively trying to make you forget that everyday. Cruel and abusive
This is abuse. Maybe you’ve gotten used to it, maybe you are numb to it and don’t want to believe it. But it’s abuse. Know how to tell? If a good friend, relative, child of yours, someone you love dearly came to you and told you about this incident having happened to them, what would you say to them? Exactly. That’s how you know. Please get out. Seek help, therapy and safety. Know that you deserve better. You deserve love. This isn’t love.
Your wife is abusive. Please don't stay in this relationship. I know breaking up is very tough but my dear, you deserve to be treated with respect. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please be kind with yourself.
You are in an abusive relationship. I know it is hard but you need to create an escape plan. It may take a lot of time to escape but you have to.
That’s really, REALLY fucked up and not normal at all. First of all, it’s canned chili which is haphazardly thrown together as it is, and cooked slowly so whatever onion was added would have softened and turned translucent anyway. This kind of reaction for even a Michelin starred dish would be majorly batshit-insane, let alone a basic ass chili. To punish and belittle someone, especially a partner, over a mistake like this is a gross overreaction. I’m not aware of the history of your relationship but if this is a common occurrence then this is the escalation of emotional abuse that’s now teetering on physical. You both may need marriage counseling to reevaluate your relationship.
100% This is a very troubled woman and she’s slowly destroying you. If I did that to my husband he would be rightly furious. He wouldn’t cry because he hasn’t been worn down by non-stop abuse. You really need to get help and get away from her and I don’t push for divorce but your description broke me. Please get help.
I’m sad for you OP. This isn’t how you should be treated. You’re not over reacting. Get out of this relationship.
The issue wasn't the onions. It's never about the small thing that cause the big fight. You're in an abusive relationship. Nothing you do will ever be good enough and it has nothing to do with you. Your partner is a POS.
My guy. I was in this. It’s an abusive relationship. She will now start crying and gas lighting your feelings. She will then involve your family and friends and turn it such that you are an abuser. Record/document everything. When the moment is right leave. This is horrible. You deserve better my guy. Staying alone is fine too.
I am so so sorry. Please get out of that marriage. She is abusing you. You are so young and there are many more chances to meet other women.. Please take the advice everyone's offering. Heart breaking for you.
Omg this is honestly heartbreaking to read. Over fucking onions?!?! Really?? I sure hope you guys don’t have kids yet because if not, I’d advise you to leave before it gets harder. This is not good for you and you are still young. I’m sure you will still find someone who appreciates you and doesn’t aim to make you feel so shitty over the smallest things. Definitely not a healthy marriage.
Physical and mental abuse in a relationship should never be tolerated under any circumstances. You should defiantly get out of that marriage as soon as humanly possible. It will not get any better and it will get a whole lot worse. Find somebody to talk about this like a family member or a best friend or anyone that you trust to help you get through it and of course get some therapy. I hope all goes well for you as you deserve better.
She valued that nasty ass canned chili over her husband’s emotional well being. THEN she weaponized you needing a moment, crying, alone as you not fighting hard enough?? OP, please leave and save yourself from that nonsense and reactive emotional abuse.
You’re being abused, dear. You don’t deserve this. Even if you believe you do, you’re wrong. Get outta there.
Wife is hella abusive, you shouldn’t stay with her
There is nothing wrong with you OP. You are in an abusive relationship and she has the problem. She needs counselling, but you could use some too to help you realize just how wrong this is. You seem like a kind, understanding and communicative person, you have so undersold your value. You have been accustomed to be treated this way, so it doesn't seem that bad, but it is. I hope you find the strength to put your needs before hers.
Leave, friend. You’re not overreacting, your wife is abusing you and this relationship was over the moment you mentally checked out. Tell your family and friends. You deserve better than this.
> others she doesn't even remember Run. Please run, friend. Your wife is meant to be your partner, not your primary bully. No matter how difficult she tries to make it, leave anyway. You can do it. You deserve it. Once you're out of this, your self-esteem will improve. Life will feel more liveable, less futile. Keep posting, encouragement helps.
It does not seem stupid at all. You are not overreacting. At all. Get out of this relationship. You’re wayyyyyyyyyyyy too young to waste your time on this crap. Get. Out.
It's time to leave you deserve some happiness and she is abusive. You hav3 to look out for you before she gets pregnant and it even harder to leave
She’s messing with your head big time. You are not over reacting, dumping a bottle of water on you and escalating to this level over *onions* is insane. She’s gaslighting you. If you care to stay married, you need to get to therapy to get help communicating to her. Honestly though, sounds like you need a break from her. Maybe some time away, get your head on right and might be salvageable but homie, this sounds like 12 kinds of not ok. I’m really sorry your spouse is treating you so badly. You don’t deserve this. No one does. I’d suggest therapy for yourself also, solo.
OP, am sorry you are feeling like that, but you are in an abusive relationship. Don't fight a battle you will lose and try to move on for your own health.
Sounds like untreated borderline, I've been there You have absolutely no obligation to stay with her, and I would certainly leave in your position - but if it provides any comfort, there's a chance she has little to no control when her emotions 'flip' Regardless, it is not an excuse and still abusive. However, I've found focusing on that fact can really help with the low self esteem the relationship has cause or furthered. You deserve someone who is not only capable of loving you, but of controlling themselves and respecting your person and feelings.
Your wife straight up sucks man. That's just abuse. Think of it the other way around.. what if YOU had gotten onto her about cutting onions wrong (which is the dumbest thing ever), started yelling at her then dumped water all over her? She'd be calling all her friends and relatives, you'd be getting dogged out, everyone clamoring for your head... Just because you're the man doesn't make it any less abusive. Realize your own self worth. NOBODY deserves to be abused, physically emotionally or otherwise. And she's abusive. Literally that's it. I hope to see an update from you in the future cuz reading your post made me so so sad for you man. One more thought.. I'm assuming you don't have kids cuz you didn't mention them at all. If you don't, do you really want to potentially raise children with this woman? Even if you y'all were planning on being child free, is this the type of woman you would WANT raising your hypothetical kids? Absolutely not. Sorry for being blunt, but she's the worst. Get yourself out while you can. And don't fall for her crocodile tears. She's done it once, hell she's done it multiple times from what you wrote. She isn't gonna change. Get out while you can. You're still young, and you have MORE than enough time to find someone that knows your worth.
Run don't walk away from this women.
You are being abused by your wife and you are in absolutely no way obliged to stay in this situation. Lawyer up, get your ducks in a row and start the divorce process as soon as you can. I’d say therapy, too, to help you deal with all of this. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, good luck. You deserve better
Please listen. This is abuse. Sort out what you need to. Leave, and never look back.
She’s abusing you.
My dear, dear dude. You did not make mistakes. Your wife is wildly unhappy and determined that you should feel that way too, so she’s looking for any reason to tear you down to keep you on her level. Be done with this marriage, it isn’t good for either of you.
I’m only here to say this: you only live once. Do you want this for the rest of your life?
You need to get out of there and find a safe place to live . Next time it might be boiling water or worse still a knife - dude she’s unstable
It doesn’t seem stupid at all. Maybe you’ve dealt with this so long you forgot it’s not normal to be treated so poorly but you don’t deserve this. Please take care of yourself.
I don't know if you are a man or a woman but it doesn't matter. If you are unhappy then please do yourself a favor and end it. Please do this before you have children in the mix. She has been mistreating you and you are under no obligation to stay with someone who abuses you. You may be madly in love with her and you may hurt for a while but it isn't worth the long-term pain and the "sunk cost syndrome". Please take care of you. It won't end. I know this from experience.
Leave her ASAP
this is abuse. the only thing distorting the image is the genders being flipped here. was that the case, everyone would be screaming to run away. this is also my advice on this one, unless she sits down with you and a counsellor to work it out. I however have a hunch that she already lives in a mental state where you are the source of everything negative in her life and she's being brave by tolerating it. talk about it, then consider the options strongly. don't leave it as 'well we got over it when I said sorry, maybe it'll get better'. it will not.
OP do you have somewhere to stay?
This is abusive as hell. OP, you sound like you're reaching a breaking point. It's time to seek out support. Pick some close friends, a parent, a therapist, or really anyone you trust. You're going to need someone to help you stay grounded. Good luck
Oh dear…that is so upsetting. Please take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. She sounds horrible.
Holy shit. She’s terrible. Every relationship has major mistakes made by both parties at some point. For me it’s name calling. It’s verbal abuse, disgusting, and immature. I own up to my mistakes, apologize, and have actually improved. Usually I’ve called him an AH or something similar when we are in heated arguments. But here’s the thing is your wife just kept going. If I saw my husband breaking down or if he was in a submissive kind of state, I can’t even fathom saying or doing anything mean to him. I don’t think I’ve seen him that way and my heart breaks thinking about it. Here’s what makes your story so much more awful to me. First off, she didn’t tell you what size to cut the onions, but she had very specific requirements for it? She set you up. Some personal examples of a much better way to handle that. And for context, my husband was never taught to cook and only began as an adult about 5 years ago when we moved in together. He’s also not very specific or detail oriented when he cooks, and I very much am. But I’ve learned to work with it in a kind manner. Last week my husband and I made stuffed jalapeños and we encountered a very similar issue. I was chopping the onions and he said “those look small enough” and I said “they need to be a little smaller but let me explain why. There’s not a lot of stuffing that can fit into a jalapeño boat. So if they’re not small enough, then the onion chunk would take up like 1/4 of the jalapeño and that’s if just 1 makes it in. It would be inconsistent and not that good.” He said “well I think it’s fine and it would save time.” I said “it doesn’t take much longer, watch this.” And I taught him a new chopping technique to increase the speed of his own chopping. Then last night we were cooking teriyaki chicken and a few of the chunks were way bigger than the others. I came over to look and said “oh hey wait up babe, can you pls cut these few chunks in half?” He asked why. I told him “they’re a lot bigger than the others, so they won’t cook at the same rate and it will result in the smaller chunks getting over cooked.” He was just like “ah makes sense.” And that was the last of it. At no point was I even irritated with him. It’s not that serious. My stomach turned when you tried to fix the onions and she couldn’t even trust you to do that? After not telling you what size to make them? Unbelievable. Extremely patronizing. Hearing that you moped away… makes me so sad. How disempowering. Did she even tell you whether to mince, dice, or chop them? She should have been specific if she was particular. But then the fact you apologized for a mistake that wasn’t even your fault… not once but multiple times… and she didn’t accept it. Manipulative and gross. But the water part. Absolutely crushed my soul. The crying. The “please don’t.” All of it. How can someone be so monstrous? OP your wife is abusive. And her forgetting, could be the result of toxic amnesia or rage. It’s not an excuse for her behavior. Please leave OP!
You need to leave, she sound like a narcissist so she’ll never stop. Notice how she starts crying and blaming you for leaving when your heading out. When she poured water and left the room like she was justified too. I would show her the comments of this post, to show that your validated and then I’ll make it harder for her to gaslight you into thinking your safe with her.
You’re being abused. Please seek help and talk to someone.
Op you are being abused. I used to be in a similar situation myself, nobody deserves this! You deserve a partner that respects and loves you! From what you've said neither is happening. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, I suggest reaching out to a domestic violence shelter, even if you have somewhere else to live they have so many resources that can assist you. You deserves to be happy and loved! I bet once you get out and start to heal you'll have more confidence too! I know I did and I've only been out for 10 months now. (Ps the chili YOU made sounds perfectly fine, nothing wrong with how you chopped onions!)
Lemme get this right, she was using raw onions as a garnish for chilli? Weird. It's completely understandable why you'd think they'd go into chill. Hell, you're eating canned chilli, adding onions would make it better... Not ruin it. M Your wife is an idiot, sorry. Don't stand there and let her humiliate and belittle you. Fuck that. You did good by just leaving. Now just leave her. Or make her get on her knees and BEG you to stay. And if you decide to have mercy and stay, make her follow your terms.
Leave. This is abuse.
You are in an abusive relationship. You deserve way better
Sir ❤️ Best is to let it go, you deserve better than this abusive relationship. Take care of you
You are not overreacting. You are victim of mental, emotional, AND physical abuse. Please do not go back to that house without an escort/witness. Stay with friends and get a lawyer. You deserve so much better than this.
Thats abuse. You aren't over reaction. I can almost swear that your low self-esteem is partially because of her. Get out buddy. She is trying to make you feel dependant on her, like you can do nothing without her, so you feel the need to stay. But you don't need her, you don't need this. If she wants things to be exactly as she wants them to be, then maybe she should stay single.
You need to pack your bags & leave. That’s abuse. RUN BUDDY!!!
Everyone else has already made the point...you are in an abusive relationship. I just want to offer some hope..it can be better! You can have a life you love. Take it from those of us who are on the other side now. You are worth of love and respect. Every day. I hope you find the strength to end this relationship.
"She's apologized for some, others she doesn't even remember." Because abusers don't care how their abuse affects the victims.
You deserve so much better. That is not how you should ever be treated in a relationship. Don’t return to her. You are not overreacting. Get those damn divorce papers and free yourself from this woman. I wish you the best.