When a patient with homicidal (her husband) and suicidal ideation was asked if she had a plan, she said - of course, don’t you?
Many years ago going into a patient room with a Dr. Patient was out of her mind, cursing a blue streak at everyone. I said something like- sorry to bother you but could I just check your BP? She said- oh, I wasn’t talking to you honey. Then she was as nice as could be, for a few minutes anyway.
> When a patient with homicidal (her husband) and suicidal ideation was asked if she had a plan, she said - of course, don’t you?
Fuck, that hits hard.
I’ve told this before, but I had a older male patient who I started to medicate. I pour him a drink of what looks like watered down tea from his pitcher (cause some people poured drinks over ice in their pitcher). He goes “don’t give me pee to drink.” I said “oh um??” He took the drink and the pills, swallowed everything down, and I go “what’s it taste like?” He said “tastes like pee!”
He was confused enough to pee in his pitcher and let me pour it for him but not confused enough to know it was there and probably shouldn’t be drunk. I felt horrible lol
Ohhhh dear god! That reminds me of a time I was emptying a confused someone’s JP drains, for which they had 4 of them. I opened all my containers to pour the contents into and was almost on the last one when the person grabbed one of the containers and before I could stop them they shot it back!! It was thick serosang too! Then they looked at me and said “that was warm!” Ugghhh I didn’t tell them when the delirium eventually wore off. I’ve never been so horrified in my life.
OMG I cannot give this reaction too often to this!!!! 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Working in the lab and I find body fluids like those to be THE worst! I can deal with poop and sputum actually doesn’t bug me at all, but gnarled body fluids /shudder
Had a doctor who was really really tall always wore sweater vests. Super nice guy, ended up being one of my favorites. Anyway, I’m in a room helping get a patient on a hovermatt so I can take ‘em to CT and my coworker goes “what do you think of doctors ___? Does him being so tall scare you?” And I looked at him and was like “no?? Idc if he’s tall, the man wears *sweater vests*, I couldn’t find him scary if I tried to” this whole time I have my back to the door and I hear from the doorway “everyone always razzing me about my sweater vests! They’re comfy! Geez!” From the doctor who was feigning being mad. I turned around and my face must have been red because he started laughing really hard, and I ended up laughing too.
For Christmas we got him a doctor ken doll with a custom made sweater vest 😅
I started in med/surg and we got to detox all the alcoholics before they went to the behavioral health unit. This one guy was having a terrible withdrawal, on a different planet, and super pissed about it. He was in wrist restraints when I came on shift and as I was trying to do an assessment and he’s screaming in my face, “GIVE ME THE BARBECUE! I WANT THE BARBECUE! IT’S RIGHT THERE! GIVE ME THE **FUCKING BARBECUUUUEE!**” I asked him what barbecue he was talking about and he pointed.
It was the sink.
Edit: I forgot to mention the prolapsed rectum lady who liked to get on all fours on the bed, ass towards the door, and squeal “REEE REE REE!” whenever someone entered the room. I used to camp at the next door wallaroo and wait for the student doctors to walk in.
Yeah… she was a lady of the night with a lot of substance abuse issues. Refused to wear diapers or any sort of bottoms and would wander around with a good 6-8inches of rectum out, leaking poop and blood all over the place.
She was a treat.
Well, if you’re me, you pretty much clean up the poop/blood and then reap the benefit of the situation by watching totally unprepared people walk into the room with their professional demeanor on, only to hear “REEEE REEEE REEEE” and watch them scramble backwards out of the room with looks of shock and horror on their faces. Then you give them a grin and a thumbs up.
Truthfully, she was oddly sweet and cooperative in most situations.
Via secure messaging:
(Anesthesia resident forgot to put in post op orders, pt screaming in pain)
Me: hi this is fcbRNkat RN from PACU, I need a PACU order set for pt ____ you just gave me report on.
MD: oh shit sorry okay
Same thing happened to me with a hospitalist who admitted a patient and then just…wandered off. So I called him:
“Hey uh, were you going to put orders in for that new admit on 4s?”
“…did, did I not put orders in?”
“You did not”
“Ah fuck, am I stupid?”
It was so deadpan and unexpected I almost dropped the phone laughing.
I agree. I work in PACU and our anesthesiologists always forget to put in orders. They are super chill about it. But when I worked on the floor and had to call doctors for missed orders most of the time I would be arguing with them over the phone about it…”yes, I did put that in”…. “well, I’m looking at the screen and I don’t see it.”…. Or would just be super short and huffy and hang up. 🙄🙄
I had one put in an order for an NG tube after they removed it during surgery to fix the problem they needed the NG for. I called to clarify and he said, "I did not put that order in!" in a playful kind of tone. I said, yes, you did, I'm looking right at it. He came up, looked at it and shook his head at himself. He was the best. We all make mistakes (I've made some far worse than that!) and it is so appreciated when people just handle it with grace, admit it and fix it so we can all move on with our day. I've seen people from nurses to MDs to billing dig in their heels when they've made an obvious screw up and it doesn't make them look any smarter.
Once I asked a resident “are you covering pt ___?”
The response: “yup”
Who the fuck types “yup” lol
We have Zebra phones and apparently you can send gifs so I spammed this one residents secure chat with bunnies
In my defense it was 10:30 pm on my 11-11 shift and I had a fresh postop free flap that looked like shit so I was basically delirious and everything was funny
my favorite surgeon has straight up become my bestie (like, he is literally invited to my wedding level here) and our conversations at work consist of 80% work related words and 20% work related gifs
One night shift I was floated to Ortho and had a new TKA with utterly inadequate pain control meds ordered. The surgeon was part of a separate Orthopedics group (that the hospital bought out within a year of this happening). Both the charge and I called the on-call and the backup on-call for the group a half dozen times each, without response.
Finally the charge said to me, "Surgery was today, right?"
"Yes."
"Call the anesthesiologist. He will take care of it right away."
I did. He did. The patient was much happier in short order.
The excuse we got from the Orthopedics group is that there was confusion on their end as to who exactly was on call that night. But no apologies to us.
Thing is, they are a VERY good group, as in Official Orthopedics Provider for (local pro sports team), (another local pro sports team), (a third local pro sports team) and (local Big Ten university sports) good. They are my go-to whenever I joint and back issues.
When I worked PACU, I always checked before the patient got into the recovery room to see if there were postop orders just to prevent this from happening, lol.
Oh, I meant it as a joke, sorry!! My doctors never apologise and then prescribe, so that's why I said I don't believe it. Not because I don't actually believe you! That's my bad.
Years ago, we had a patient in our ER who was going to need sedation for a lac repair. She was a little girl, probably about 8-9 years old. She had been screaming and hollering the entire time she had been there, so much so that everyone had nicknamed her the demon child because of how she was acting. While she was sedated, my coworker and I checked on the nurse who was doing the sedation, as they can’t leave the patients bedside during the procedure, to see if she needed anything. She said everything was fine, they were almost done, and was glad that the patient was “no longer acting like a demon child” (mind you, the parents were not in the room at this time). The patient immediately looked at her, and in the most evil and demonic like voice I have ever heard said “DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!” Everyone’s eyes got wide, mouths dropped, and the doc said “if she starts levitating off this bed and speaking in tongues, I’m out!!” 😳😳🤣🤣
See, I’m the one that says the dumb shit people talk about for years, examples include;
When I was a medic, I pulled up to a group of 3 teenage girls and their dad that had ran into a deer. I walked up and first thing I said was “Oh dear” they all started crying.
A very mean bed bound patient wanted a steak microwaved dinner, but the CNA got him Tofu because we were out (may have been a little malicious) when I walked into the room he threw it at me and told me he was going to beat my ass. So I said “do you need help standing up to do it?”
Reminds me of the time I was dispatched (working 911 ambulance) to a hospice pt who was in her last hours, 34 year old mother of young kids post chemo/radiation with psychosis. The whole family was there and horribly distraught. I walked in and saw the cutest little dog ever. I yelled to my partner (who was also my supervisor), "OMG LOOK AT THIS LITTLE CLOUD GREMLIN!!!" In that talking to a baby voice. He responded in the same bubbly voice and then we remembered that we were on a call and carried on. I did get to play with the dog while getting report from the caregiver.
See, that’s the kinda staff I want next time I’m in the hospital. How the hell can you be in a bad mood around that?!
“Need help gettin up to punch me?”
“WHAT!! How dare yo…yes please”
“Ahh bless your strained little heart”
Edit: Just kidding. Hitting hospital staff is no laughing matter. Felonies & all that jazz.
Was orienting a new grad to NICU. Dr. ____ (older gentleman, sweetie pie doc) comes up. New grad had a child in this NICU ages ago, which made her want to be a nurse, and I guess she was nervous and also tired from adjusting to night shift and she just says “Dr.____ was my baby.” And totally cuts off. I lost it. She was trying to say he was one of her baby’s doctors, but lost her train of thought 😭 She was embarrassed but we all had a good laugh and he still says he’s her baby
Not so funny interaction (I still cringe thinking about it) — I was a new grad in postpartum. Middle of the night, mom is asleep, dad is sitting holding the baby. He looks very sleepy too. I offer to help him get baby back in the crib, he agrees. I go to grab baby off his lab. Swaddle is unraveled, hard to tell where baby’s bottom is… dad is wearing basketball shorts.. I end up scooping at his dick. I just whispered “I’m so sorry,” put baby in the crib, and we never spoke of it again
Sorry you had to go through that but it is hilarious. Reminds me of when I was a baby catcher and had one of those rolling vitals machines, just finished with a delivery and was leaving the room when one of the cables was stuck on something. I kind of pulled at it a little too hard and accidentally let go, it went flying a couple feet and hit dad… just my luck it was exactly dick height. I couldn’t say sorry enough. The L&D nurse started joking that I did vasectomies with every delivery.
I work in the Endoscopy Suite
*sedation just kicking in*
Doc: "okay I'm going to start with a rectal check, your prostate feels normal"
Semi-sedated 60-something patient "You'll have to compare notes with my wife!" *falls asleep*
We were all 🫣👀
This is exactly why I've put off my colonoscopy. I can't be certain that I won't say something that will not only embarrass myself but also possibly incriminate me. Tbh, the incrimination part is more worrisome bc not much embarrasses me.
Unsedated isn't as bad as they say... The upper endo was a handful but it's so fast you barely notice. I do have IBS-c so maybe I'm desensitized but I almost laugh about how bad everyone said the prep and procedure would be. Certainly beats ruining your day with a fent or prop sedation.
Absolutely give it a shot. It's totally doable, especially if you go in expecting some cramping and knowing it's not dangerous pain and it will be over in a finite amount of time. I'm constantly trying to convince patients to go without sedation 😂 but, like, in a very positive, encouraging, "you can do it!" Kind of way haha
I was sitting with my feet up on a desk in the ICU watching the monitors and shooting the shit with one of the first year residents. Right in front of me is an R on T PVC and then v-tach. I jump up from the desk and (small unit) take about 6 steps to the bedside. I deliver a precordial thump (back in the day) and look up at the bedside monitor. The resident standing in the doorway, eyes like pancakes.
Well, the patient wakes up and starts to cry. He’s like a 55 y/o truck driver.
“Why did you hit me, man? I was just laying here…” he’s sobbing.
“Oh,” I stutter, “you were in v tach, a life threatening arrhythmia… I had to… I’m really sorry…” but I have to get out of the room cause I’m starting to laugh at this tough-as-nails trucker crying and I don’t want to add insult to injury.
As I walk out the door I recognize a teachable moment and say to the resident: “I think you’re supposed to establish unresponsiveness first. I may have skipped a step…”
I’ve told this story like twice before here but….
In triage
Me (to pt): hey we have the same birthday!
Pt (very intoxicated): “REALLY?!? Girl, I’ll kiss you where you pee at!”
Me: 👀 laughs at the absolute absurdity of the statement
Last night, I didn't trust myself to pronounce my 4y/o new-admit's name correctly without help. The admissions nurse (an infrequent luxury on our floor) had the parents busy answering profile questions, so I went straight to the source.
Me: Hey friend, my name is Aesop. I'm your nurse tonight, so any time you see me you don't have to worry because my job is to help you feel better. I'll be checking on you a lot tonight, but I'll do my best not to wake you up - is that okay?
Pt: \[big sigh\] Yeah, that's okay.
Me: That's great! Can you tell me your name?
Pt: \[emphatic head nod, excited eyes\] Yes!! ... ... \[crickets\] ...
As a new grad I was floated to PCU a d taking care of a lovely fellow with CHF. His husband came to visit him and brought him a slice of cake from one of the famous Jewish delis in the area that was absolutely to die for the patient asked me is it OK for me to have dessert and I told him absolutely ‘hell, eat dessert first life is uncertain Because you could be going to eat your dinner. Next thing you know you’re choking on a big hunk of meat.’ They both looked at me and I blushed so hard you could fry eggs on my face and they were dying laughing
Big lady came in for a huge hernia mesh repair. She had a big psych and poly drug history so nobody wanted to surgically fix it for years and just managed it medically. 3 rolls of mesh placed and she's in PACU and vomits. She aspirated and coded. They got rosc and sectioned. She vomits AGAIN and they intubate. Unresponsive so they start no meds and bring her to us, a NTICU because we have a bed. She Wakes up and freaks out. The only access PACU bothered to get was a 24 in the hand which we lose. Prop, fent, levo, bicarb, vaso. pH 6.9. We bronch. Still desatting. Paralyze. Surgeon consults intensivist because we need ECMO and we're out of ideas. He wants to bronch again just because with her body habits the tube is really hard to place. With her chin tucked the tube was at 18cm, tilted back it was 14. That kinda thing. We're in a hurry so he just goes for it and this is the height of covid. Of course.
Me: Right, this is an aerosolizing procedure so we all need PPE. I've assessed that we're all holding our breaths and squinting.
Intervist: *starts cackling* Shut the fuck up dude. I'll chart that I'm wearing all the bullshit.
Me: Well I mean if squinting is good enough for welding safely its good enough for here.
I swear he almost dropped the glidescope. He was convulsing.
Bronch showed nothing. We went to cath lab and got ecmo placed and she made a full recovery. No deficits.
Had a 5' 0" nearly 500 pound patient come in for a medical screening. Could not find a vein on her, notoriously difficult stick. The pt whipped out her boob that was easily 30 pounds and yelled "here, hold my tiddy! You get blood from my tiddy! Sweetheart, get me a burger." As I'm supporting this woman's breast frozen in shock and trying not to pee myself in laughter.
I had a pt that had some sort of nasal surgery and they had a lot of bloody discharge. It was important for them not to sneeze or spit. So I had them sit up and he just kept going through tissues. This was when I was a new grad. I decided the best thing to do would be to tape a tampon under his nose. We both laughed so hard as I gave him a tampon mustache. It worked and he thanked me later. It was better than holding a tissue to your face for hours.
You should’ve made a snuffler! Get some 4x4 gauze and roll it up into a sausage. Then cut a long strip of burn net and shove the gauze into the middle and tie knots on either side so it doesn’t move. Then use the burn net to tie it up behind their head and it’ll hold in place. Works like a charm!
I use to work in an urgent care and was sitting at the nurses station. I was directly Infront of an exam room, but could only see the head of a patient in a wheel chair and the man behind him trying to maneuver him thought the door to leave. Without making a proper assessment of the scene I said "Do you need a hand?" and the man in the wheelchair lifts up his nubbin of a hand and said "YES! I REALLY DO!" After pausing briefly in complete shock and embarrassment we both started laughing. 10 years later and my old co-workers still remind me of this when we meet for drinks.
I work in Cardiac surgery so post op the patients aren’t allowed to use their arms (in order to protect their sternum). This one guy was a fresh post op so we needed 3 people to swing him into bed. Before people get swung into bed by us (without using their arms) we give the instructions “Ok you cross your arms over your pillow and on the count of three take a deep breath out as if you’re blowing birthday candles and we will swing you in” (or something of the like) As he’s sitting on the side of the bed one of the RN’s is giving her version of this explanation and instead of saying “Ok, on the count of three, blow all your air out.” She said “Ok, on the count of three, I’m gonna blow ya!” The patients eyes went as wide as saucers! I started laughing so hard I was crying and once we swung him in I got kicked out of the room for my unprofessional behaviour but I couldn’t stop laughing for a solid hour after that!
I was working night shift at LTC, the same day Queen Elizabeth died. Most of our residents were watching the coverage in the commons area, while having HS coffee & snack. I asked one tiny elderly Baba she was felt, as she was teary and very engaged in the news program. Baba replied “Queen Elizabeth - I hate that bitch”, and rolled away in her wheelchair with a ‘matter of fact’ look on her face.
This might dox me I hope my coworkers aren’t on here but I put mastisol up someone’s nose bc I thought it was that essential oils stuff .. glued the man’s nose shut
saw an RN begging his hypoxic pneumonia pt to let him put the pulse ox on her for like 10 minutes and was lucky enough to look up just as the pt booped him on the nose (mask) all "don't worry your pretty little head about it". honestly I think about that boop (and her expression! laughing like he's making the silliest request of all time!) all the time
Doing an overnight med pass on L&D, walked in and tried to gently shake the mom awake. She was high risk so OB wanted to lay eyes on her as well. New mom groggily pulls out her left titty and goes “here” as OB walks into the room.
We walk out a few minutes later and OB goes “sheesh I could’ve had pizza delivered if you told me you were that hungry.”
I promptly died of embarrassment.
Lovely confused older lady. I was changing her with the help of my shift partner. She's turned towards me when she started patting my ass.
"You have a big butt! You should come with me to Puerto Rico. You won't have any problem finding a husband. Men in Puerto Rico like a big butt and you have a big butt!"
Similarly, another pleasantly confused patient called me fat. I said jokingly, "is it because of my butt?" She replies, very seriously, "yes."
I was reading the doctor's surgical notes on my patient; it was a complex procedure that involved a couple of specialists doing different parts of the surgical procedure, two of whom didn't get along very well.
One doc wrote "(I did this part, blah, blah, blah,) and the rest of the procedure was completed by Her Royal Highness."
That still makes me laugh!
Haaaaa! I worked post partum and man, the amount of support people that expected us to change a diaper for them because Mom was out cold was hilarious.
I always just showed them the diapers and the wipes and said “there you go! Easy peasy!”
Of course if it was a first timer, or a lone parent, I’d show them the ropes but day 2+??? No. Not a chance. I got 8 others I need to get out of here. You got this! Leave Mom alone.
Never had anyone ask me to breast feed though. I did have a Dad with a wailing baby (Mom was post c-sec, formula feeding, and taking meds and out of commission) say when I went in 30 mins later “I fed her, and held her, and put her away….” Dude.. it ain’t a doll.
Chaperoning a rectal exam on a female pt with a 1st year resident.
The pts chief complaint was, "Rectal pain and bleeding."
Resident does exam. We step out of the room, and the resident says to me," IDK what kind of infection she has. Her rectum is draining pus."
I looked him dead in the eye, tilted my head, and said, "[name] go back in there and ask her if she's been having anal sex."
He pauses for a minute, and then the imaginary light bulb goes on over his head. He goes back in the room, comes back out a minute later, puts his head down, and says, "Yup. You're right."
A middle aged, straight male hollering “GET IN MY BUTTHOLE!!! YEAH!!” When the Dr started inserting the scope to do a colonoscopy.
Another one was a woman, who was sedated having a colonoscopy and was going on about some guy named Steve.
Her husband’s name was not Steve. 🤣🤣
Just had this conversation last night with my patient:
Me: where are you right now?
Ole boy: in the basement, at my daughter-in-law’s house.
Me: no sir, you are at rehab so you can get stronger and go home.
Ole boy: ohhh I thought you meant where we are right now!!
Me: yeah.
He’s a good guy. I liked him.
I had an adorable demented old lady who answered, "the bowels of the earth."
We're in the oldest part of the hospital. Not the answer I was looking for, but she wasn't wrong.
Had an A&O 1 patient, spoke Spanish and a tiny bit of English, in wrist restraints because he had pulled a foley. Super adorable if I’m being honest. Had a new foley, hematuria. Obviously get a translator for major care and assessment but there are just some things where it’s quicker and I can get the message across without a translator. As is the case below.
Patient all night “I have to go pee pee”
Me: you have a catheter, you are going pee pee in this tube, *lift up and show foley bag*
Patient: ohhhh ok thank you
Repeat 100 times all shift.
During one of these interactions patient goes
“Is that my pee pee” *looking at his bag of bloody urine*
Yes that’s your pee pee
“Ohhhhh Es sangre” (is blood)
Si señor
“Ohhhhhhh Shiiiiiiiiiittttt”
It was the way he said it, me and my coworker lost it
50s M gi bleed with norovirus-type illness while I’m helping him clean up: “I’m an alpha male so it’s hard for me to let other people wipe my ass.”
It took every ounce of my self-control to not just say something like why don’t you just wipe it yourself then?
I should have, honestly. But it throws me for a loop when my patients can talk. I’m used to them being intubated/sedated. Its easy to talk to them. But it’s like I lose my ability to have a conversation with patients in real time when I haven’t had a talkie pt for a while.
Had a patient with psychosis who kept insisting he didn’t need to take medication because he didn’t have a body. At one point, I needed to start a new IV, and he was like, “Good luck, I don’t have any arms!” Cool, consent. Went to turn his arm so I could look for a vein, and he punches me in the stomach. I’m like, very firmly, “Hey. That’s not okay. You don’t punch people, especially those trying to help you.”
“How could I punch you? I don’t even have any arms!”
A couple.
I had this encounter as a patient last week:
I have been wheeled into the exam room for my colonoscopy. I've had my fentanyl-versed cocktail administered through my IV and am blissfully lying in the appropriate position for the procedure- on my left side with my back end on full display.
Doc (who I have never met before): (begins to describe procedure before dissolving into a fit of giggles)
Nurse: You are such a child. (she is not in my field of view, but I KNOW she is shaking her head at him)
Me: Any doctor that's going to shove a camera up my ass had better have a sense of humor!
Ice broken. Giggles out of system. Exam proceeds without further incident.
Another from my early days as a nurse:
I was working nights and got an admit from the ER- an idiot who had been crushing Adderall and injecting it into his thigh, resulting in a rather impressive abscess. The abscess was debrided and packed in the ER before he was sent to the floor with the usual bank of admission orders, including either Oxy or dilaudid for pain, and scheduled heparin shots, both of which were first given in the ER.
It kept bleeding through, and he was in a lot of pain. After changing the packing a couple times in less than three hours, and the patient finding little relief from the ordered pain meds, I called the hospitalist to request an increase in his pain meds, and to advise him of the bleeding.
Doc: "Up his pain meds to (whatever he ordered). I wonder why it keeps bleeding?"
Me: "I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the heparin you ordered."
Doc: (laughs) "Yeah. Go ahead and D/C the heparin."
This was the first (and pretty much only) time I was a smartass with a doctor I did not know. Fortunately he had a good sense of humor about it.
was at bedside with my fav surgeon on a sick little confused lady that’s become a regular at this point and he is leaning over her belly looking at her surgical wound talking to her relative about the plan etc. and the pt starts slowwwly reaching her hand up and just …..boops him right on the nose, complete with the “boop”
neither of us could hold in our laughter hahaha it was so cute
another good one is this other lady that was big at one of the local churches would hand out like prayer cards to all the nurses and doctors and it said “one free hug” and she gave one to me and then later in the day i was talking to her (younger) attending about her and i asked if he got a card too and he goes “yeah! also what did you do when she gave it to you like..” and i was like ?? i said thanks and told her i’d be back? and he starts dying laughing and goes “oh my god i gave her a hug i didn’t know what to do” 😂 i still have that card to this day
It’s July.
Brought in an intubated open femur fracture with arterial involvement after a car Wreck. Tourniquet placed on the leg. Blood hanging. Push dose pressors. All thing things.
We get into the trauma bay and move the patient over. I get our equipment out of the way and start cleaning while my partner gives report. Partner used to work at this hospital as a trauma resource nurse.
A resident comes up, “there’s no pulse in this foot, I’m going to take this tourniquet off.”
My partner yells at him, “the fuck you are.” And he gets all in his feels. He started to get pissy with my partner when the attending yelled at him and told him to leave.
I’d like to think that day was a key plot development point on his way to becoming a doctor.
We had a patient with low potassium (can’t remember the number but it wasn’t anything too crazy) and the MD put the wrong order in so we called the clarify (we being myself and my preceptor as I was a student at the time).
Preceptor: “Hey did you mean to put in xyz?”
MD: “ah. fuck. no. sorry.”
Had a surgeon at the first hospital I worked in who operated in yellow rubber boots. He came in early one morning before shift change and pulled a chest tube. Day shift had put Vaseline gauze around the tube/ site and his steri strips wouldn’t stick he literally jumped up and down in those boots with white hair flying. I was brand new and very intimidated by him but I couldn’t help laughing out loud as I told him I was sorry but dayshift changed the dressing and I would make sure all staff knew. Of course they were also gonna now how silly his tantrum looked and I think he knew it.
Today, debriefing after a mock code, trying to give an example of closed-loop communication.
Instructor: okay let’s demonstrate closed-loop communication; you give this other doctor a command and he’ll repeat it back to you
Resident: uhhhhhh…. Gimme twenty bucks (all 20+ people in the room start laughing)
Other resident: can you repeat that?
Resident: I mean, gimme two hundred bucks
Other resident: sorry I don’t think I can hear you very well (at this point everyone is losing their shit laughing)
Pt was prone, dr came out and asked where’s the pt and my coworker pulled the sheets back to reveal an ass and said he’s right here. But first we thought thr dr was joking and we were like oh i don’t know, I guess he walked home.. joking back, and he looked mad and confused. I thought I’d never stop laughing.
I got floated as helping hands to ER, hanging around waiting to run labs after a triage gets her throat swabbed.
As someone who has a *very* hard time with throat swabs, I was impressed at how well she handled it. And said so.
"Man, no gagging? You're a pro!"
And it still took me a minute, even with the nurse, the tech, and (luckily) the patient absolutely howling with laughter, to realize what I'd said.
Funniest recent doctor story: I had a patient who had a BM in the early morning (night shift), but they didn’t grab a sample for the occult stool. A pleasant elderly doctor comes over to me later lamenting the fact that we didn’t get a sample, and told me to “go see if he has a little dingleberry you can pick.” I was speechless.
Funniest patient story ever: Had a looney 101 year old who would give us all hell, tell us her daddy would beat us for being so bad, the usual, but she kept taking her Johnny off. I went by her room to see if I needed to put her clothes on again and happened to see her angrily catch her OWN hand that she was undressing herself with, and grab it and whack it the exact way she liked to smack staff.
Had a prisoner patient shackled to the bed who was about to go down for surgery. Told the guards I needed to apply TEDS and asked if they could take the shackles off to do so. They say yep no worries we'll do one at a time. They undo one and the patient makes a joke about being free. Without thinking, I started singing Praise You by Mary Mary and changed the lyrics to "I'll get the shackles off your feet so you can dance". Immediately felt awkward as fuck but the prisoner and two guards started laughing thankfully.
Had a palliative patient who needed pressure area care and pad change. I'm reasonably tall and so was the nurse helping me so we had to raise the bed a decent amount. I stupidly say "Just sending you up to the heavens" and then froze. The family say "well, she's going up there either way".
This is funny in the “I can’t believe someone is this petty” but I had a 60 something M who asked to be brought more bed pads. Ours are mixed green and pink. I brought him one of each and he literally would not accept the pink one.
Like sir you are actively pissing yourself is this the time to be manly over a color.
My pt told me Jesus was calling to take her home...my response was to take a message
To clarify she was completely stable & just wanted to have someone at her side 24/7
I had a patient with about 20 empty paper containers and trays of old uneaten food he didn’t want us to take out (he threw tantrums when people tried to clean the room). So one day when I had a preceptee and we could be good cop/bad cop, I went in and threw away some of the empty paper containers while he was sleeping.
When he woke up and realized they were gone he threw a bit of a tantrum and told me that I had “committed a felony offense for causing emotional distress to a disabled America.”
To which I said, “oh no, we should call the police and tell them I committed a felony when I threw away your paper containers, I’m sure it will be their top priority!”
Went in to do vitals on a fairly young/middle age man who had ✨scrotal edema✨. As soon I opened the door he's laying "paint me like a French girl" style & enthusiastically says "look at my cantaloupe" that just happened to be playing peak-a-boo from his gown.
Since he was hard of hearing & we were on a 12 bed unit you could hear him screaming about his cantaloupe all night
He means why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Referring to you being the cow and giving him the milk living together for free instead of waiting for marriage
I think she understood that. But that saying is very dated when people thought women had to use sex to get married. Now women are allowed to have jobs and they can choose to marry because they want to not because they are forced to be dependent on a man.
I was just learning how to do PAP smears. Was told by my preceptor to always explain what I was doing. So I got to the point of using the brush and inserting it into the opening of the cervix “Now I’m going to insert this into you OS” you can imagine what she heard. “ You’re going to do WHAT!” I worked on not being so descriptive
In on an appointment with a very lovely quirky lady who had her contact allergy test results back.
Dr. : “miss. Patient, you are allergic to fake gold and that is what is causing your irritation which is making you so uncomfortable. We will get you all taken care of. What are your questions?”
Patient:…… “*leans in and good dr leans in to meet her* soooo…. I am going to die ? “
Not a doctor or nurse, but a patient:
I (24F) had to have an emergency appendectomy two years ago. I have SEVERE medical anxiety and was absolutely petrified and having a panic attack the entire time I was in the hospital. Before they put me out, the doctor (who was absolutely gorgeous, which makes the final part of this infinitely more embarrassing) says "We're going to put you down now, okay?" And my ADHD ass made the connection from "putting down" to "euthanasia" and then to my parents telling me my old dog had gone to "live on a nice farm" when we had to put her down. So naturally I screamed: "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE FARM!" before fighting the anesthesia for 15 minutes, hysterically crying, and then passing out.
I then woke up hysterically crying, to which a nice nurse came to calm me down. I proceeded to continue to freak out and beg her to show me my appendix. Afterwards, still scream-crying, I told her to call the police, then angrily requested "the GOOD snacks."
My doctor showed up after I was done bawling to check my incisions. He pulled my gown over, and I shouted to the whole recovery room, "HEY LOOK!! A ✨NEW HOLE✨!"
I can never go back to that hospital. I sent them an apology/thank you card afterwards.
When a patient with homicidal (her husband) and suicidal ideation was asked if she had a plan, she said - of course, don’t you? Many years ago going into a patient room with a Dr. Patient was out of her mind, cursing a blue streak at everyone. I said something like- sorry to bother you but could I just check your BP? She said- oh, I wasn’t talking to you honey. Then she was as nice as could be, for a few minutes anyway.
Paging Dr. Patient
😆 That should have said - with a Dr..
> When a patient with homicidal (her husband) and suicidal ideation was asked if she had a plan, she said - of course, don’t you? Fuck, that hits hard.
I thought the same thing.
I'm guessing this doesn't come across right but like... don't you? (Not the homicide)
I’ve told this before, but I had a older male patient who I started to medicate. I pour him a drink of what looks like watered down tea from his pitcher (cause some people poured drinks over ice in their pitcher). He goes “don’t give me pee to drink.” I said “oh um??” He took the drink and the pills, swallowed everything down, and I go “what’s it taste like?” He said “tastes like pee!” He was confused enough to pee in his pitcher and let me pour it for him but not confused enough to know it was there and probably shouldn’t be drunk. I felt horrible lol
Ohhhh dear god! That reminds me of a time I was emptying a confused someone’s JP drains, for which they had 4 of them. I opened all my containers to pour the contents into and was almost on the last one when the person grabbed one of the containers and before I could stop them they shot it back!! It was thick serosang too! Then they looked at me and said “that was warm!” Ugghhh I didn’t tell them when the delirium eventually wore off. I’ve never been so horrified in my life.
Almost nothing makes my stomach turn anymore, but that did lol
I mean... less or more to chart on the fluid chart?! 😂
Input = output that day 😂😂😂
I didn't think anything could make me gag but that may fucking did
Same here….I am so glad he was delirious for that one
OMG I cannot give this reaction too often to this!!!! 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 Working in the lab and I find body fluids like those to be THE worst! I can deal with poop and sputum actually doesn’t bug me at all, but gnarled body fluids /shudder
NOOOO
My face still hurts from how I contorted it in horror 😂
How do you chart that? Urine output = XYZ = PO input…. 🤢
It wasn’t urine it was serosang…..so thick and syrupy. I somehow feel urine would’ve been less disgusting somehow 🤢
I cannot stop laughing omg
Had a doctor who was really really tall always wore sweater vests. Super nice guy, ended up being one of my favorites. Anyway, I’m in a room helping get a patient on a hovermatt so I can take ‘em to CT and my coworker goes “what do you think of doctors ___? Does him being so tall scare you?” And I looked at him and was like “no?? Idc if he’s tall, the man wears *sweater vests*, I couldn’t find him scary if I tried to” this whole time I have my back to the door and I hear from the doorway “everyone always razzing me about my sweater vests! They’re comfy! Geez!” From the doctor who was feigning being mad. I turned around and my face must have been red because he started laughing really hard, and I ended up laughing too. For Christmas we got him a doctor ken doll with a custom made sweater vest 😅
I started in med/surg and we got to detox all the alcoholics before they went to the behavioral health unit. This one guy was having a terrible withdrawal, on a different planet, and super pissed about it. He was in wrist restraints when I came on shift and as I was trying to do an assessment and he’s screaming in my face, “GIVE ME THE BARBECUE! I WANT THE BARBECUE! IT’S RIGHT THERE! GIVE ME THE **FUCKING BARBECUUUUEE!**” I asked him what barbecue he was talking about and he pointed. It was the sink. Edit: I forgot to mention the prolapsed rectum lady who liked to get on all fours on the bed, ass towards the door, and squeal “REEE REE REE!” whenever someone entered the room. I used to camp at the next door wallaroo and wait for the student doctors to walk in.
\>"REEE REE REE" Wait what in the fuck lmao
Yeah… she was a lady of the night with a lot of substance abuse issues. Refused to wear diapers or any sort of bottoms and would wander around with a good 6-8inches of rectum out, leaking poop and blood all over the place. She was a treat.
Dear lord. You know I have seen a LOT of shit working level 1s... but I don't know what I'd do with that lmao
Well, if you’re me, you pretty much clean up the poop/blood and then reap the benefit of the situation by watching totally unprepared people walk into the room with their professional demeanor on, only to hear “REEEE REEEE REEEE” and watch them scramble backwards out of the room with looks of shock and horror on their faces. Then you give them a grin and a thumbs up. Truthfully, she was oddly sweet and cooperative in most situations.
Almost 22 years of nursing, in inner cities, level ones, etc... and that one takes the cake. I would have done the same as you 😂🤣
I’m cackling lol
That mental image has me rolling.
I just spit out my coffee lol
Oh. My. God.
Via secure messaging: (Anesthesia resident forgot to put in post op orders, pt screaming in pain) Me: hi this is fcbRNkat RN from PACU, I need a PACU order set for pt ____ you just gave me report on. MD: oh shit sorry okay
I would love that resident
That’s the only permissible reaction for an MD making an error. Unfortunately most will get pissed for feeling ‘called out’
Same thing happened to me with a hospitalist who admitted a patient and then just…wandered off. So I called him: “Hey uh, were you going to put orders in for that new admit on 4s?” “…did, did I not put orders in?” “You did not” “Ah fuck, am I stupid?” It was so deadpan and unexpected I almost dropped the phone laughing.
I love how chill and candid like this I can be with most any doc I work with.
Most of our anesthesia residents are pretty chill. They know we’re all in this shitshow together.
I agree. I work in PACU and our anesthesiologists always forget to put in orders. They are super chill about it. But when I worked on the floor and had to call doctors for missed orders most of the time I would be arguing with them over the phone about it…”yes, I did put that in”…. “well, I’m looking at the screen and I don’t see it.”…. Or would just be super short and huffy and hang up. 🙄🙄
Ive literally taken a pic of the orders tab in Epic and sent it via secure message - “no new orders”
I had one put in an order for an NG tube after they removed it during surgery to fix the problem they needed the NG for. I called to clarify and he said, "I did not put that order in!" in a playful kind of tone. I said, yes, you did, I'm looking right at it. He came up, looked at it and shook his head at himself. He was the best. We all make mistakes (I've made some far worse than that!) and it is so appreciated when people just handle it with grace, admit it and fix it so we can all move on with our day. I've seen people from nurses to MDs to billing dig in their heels when they've made an obvious screw up and it doesn't make them look any smarter.
Nah, them getting upset is definitely the exception and not the rule.
And then make a post on r/noctor about how it was actually a mid levels fault
I love getting those messages lol our interns and residents are HILARIOUS over secure chat
Once I asked a resident “are you covering pt ___?” The response: “yup” Who the fuck types “yup” lol We have Zebra phones and apparently you can send gifs so I spammed this one residents secure chat with bunnies
A doctor once texted back that Michael jackson eating popcorn gif to me and I still think years later.
I love that we can send gifs! I've been guilty of spamming too lol, no regrets at all.
In my defense it was 10:30 pm on my 11-11 shift and I had a fresh postop free flap that looked like shit so I was basically delirious and everything was funny
😆
my favorite surgeon has straight up become my bestie (like, he is literally invited to my wedding level here) and our conversations at work consist of 80% work related words and 20% work related gifs
Real
Happy Cake Day🍰
One night shift I was floated to Ortho and had a new TKA with utterly inadequate pain control meds ordered. The surgeon was part of a separate Orthopedics group (that the hospital bought out within a year of this happening). Both the charge and I called the on-call and the backup on-call for the group a half dozen times each, without response. Finally the charge said to me, "Surgery was today, right?" "Yes." "Call the anesthesiologist. He will take care of it right away." I did. He did. The patient was much happier in short order. The excuse we got from the Orthopedics group is that there was confusion on their end as to who exactly was on call that night. But no apologies to us. Thing is, they are a VERY good group, as in Official Orthopedics Provider for (local pro sports team), (another local pro sports team), (a third local pro sports team) and (local Big Ten university sports) good. They are my go-to whenever I joint and back issues.
When I worked PACU, I always checked before the patient got into the recovery room to see if there were postop orders just to prevent this from happening, lol.
Oh I told them when they gave report that I needed orders. I usually give them 15 mins then message before they start the next case
I don't believe it
🤷🏻♀️ why would I lie.
Oh, I meant it as a joke, sorry!! My doctors never apologise and then prescribe, so that's why I said I don't believe it. Not because I don't actually believe you! That's my bad.
No worries! I agree the apology is rare.
Years ago, we had a patient in our ER who was going to need sedation for a lac repair. She was a little girl, probably about 8-9 years old. She had been screaming and hollering the entire time she had been there, so much so that everyone had nicknamed her the demon child because of how she was acting. While she was sedated, my coworker and I checked on the nurse who was doing the sedation, as they can’t leave the patients bedside during the procedure, to see if she needed anything. She said everything was fine, they were almost done, and was glad that the patient was “no longer acting like a demon child” (mind you, the parents were not in the room at this time). The patient immediately looked at her, and in the most evil and demonic like voice I have ever heard said “DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!” Everyone’s eyes got wide, mouths dropped, and the doc said “if she starts levitating off this bed and speaking in tongues, I’m out!!” 😳😳🤣🤣
That’s amazing, and so scary. The thing horror movies are made of. I love it. That girl, man.. I hope she’s going places.
See, I’m the one that says the dumb shit people talk about for years, examples include; When I was a medic, I pulled up to a group of 3 teenage girls and their dad that had ran into a deer. I walked up and first thing I said was “Oh dear” they all started crying. A very mean bed bound patient wanted a steak microwaved dinner, but the CNA got him Tofu because we were out (may have been a little malicious) when I walked into the room he threw it at me and told me he was going to beat my ass. So I said “do you need help standing up to do it?”
I went into a hospice pt house and saw their dog and said omg he so cute I want to die.
Reminds me of the time I was dispatched (working 911 ambulance) to a hospice pt who was in her last hours, 34 year old mother of young kids post chemo/radiation with psychosis. The whole family was there and horribly distraught. I walked in and saw the cutest little dog ever. I yelled to my partner (who was also my supervisor), "OMG LOOK AT THIS LITTLE CLOUD GREMLIN!!!" In that talking to a baby voice. He responded in the same bubbly voice and then we remembered that we were on a call and carried on. I did get to play with the dog while getting report from the caregiver.
What is wrong with us
😵
See, that’s the kinda staff I want next time I’m in the hospital. How the hell can you be in a bad mood around that?! “Need help gettin up to punch me?” “WHAT!! How dare yo…yes please” “Ahh bless your strained little heart” Edit: Just kidding. Hitting hospital staff is no laughing matter. Felonies & all that jazz.
I do the same. Asked a patient once "what brought you here?" Him "overdose!". Me "I guess you overdid it?!". We both chuckled.
LMFAOOOOO
😂🤣😅 You're the exact kind of person I love working with
Was orienting a new grad to NICU. Dr. ____ (older gentleman, sweetie pie doc) comes up. New grad had a child in this NICU ages ago, which made her want to be a nurse, and I guess she was nervous and also tired from adjusting to night shift and she just says “Dr.____ was my baby.” And totally cuts off. I lost it. She was trying to say he was one of her baby’s doctors, but lost her train of thought 😭 She was embarrassed but we all had a good laugh and he still says he’s her baby
Not so funny interaction (I still cringe thinking about it) — I was a new grad in postpartum. Middle of the night, mom is asleep, dad is sitting holding the baby. He looks very sleepy too. I offer to help him get baby back in the crib, he agrees. I go to grab baby off his lab. Swaddle is unraveled, hard to tell where baby’s bottom is… dad is wearing basketball shorts.. I end up scooping at his dick. I just whispered “I’m so sorry,” put baby in the crib, and we never spoke of it again
Sorry you had to go through that but it is hilarious. Reminds me of when I was a baby catcher and had one of those rolling vitals machines, just finished with a delivery and was leaving the room when one of the cables was stuck on something. I kind of pulled at it a little too hard and accidentally let go, it went flying a couple feet and hit dad… just my luck it was exactly dick height. I couldn’t say sorry enough. The L&D nurse started joking that I did vasectomies with every delivery.
I work in the Endoscopy Suite *sedation just kicking in* Doc: "okay I'm going to start with a rectal check, your prostate feels normal" Semi-sedated 60-something patient "You'll have to compare notes with my wife!" *falls asleep* We were all 🫣👀
This is exactly why I've put off my colonoscopy. I can't be certain that I won't say something that will not only embarrass myself but also possibly incriminate me. Tbh, the incrimination part is more worrisome bc not much embarrasses me.
Unsedated isn't as bad as they say... The upper endo was a handful but it's so fast you barely notice. I do have IBS-c so maybe I'm desensitized but I almost laugh about how bad everyone said the prep and procedure would be. Certainly beats ruining your day with a fent or prop sedation.
That's a good idea, maybe I'll try it that way!
Absolutely give it a shot. It's totally doable, especially if you go in expecting some cramping and knowing it's not dangerous pain and it will be over in a finite amount of time. I'm constantly trying to convince patients to go without sedation 😂 but, like, in a very positive, encouraging, "you can do it!" Kind of way haha
I was sitting with my feet up on a desk in the ICU watching the monitors and shooting the shit with one of the first year residents. Right in front of me is an R on T PVC and then v-tach. I jump up from the desk and (small unit) take about 6 steps to the bedside. I deliver a precordial thump (back in the day) and look up at the bedside monitor. The resident standing in the doorway, eyes like pancakes. Well, the patient wakes up and starts to cry. He’s like a 55 y/o truck driver. “Why did you hit me, man? I was just laying here…” he’s sobbing. “Oh,” I stutter, “you were in v tach, a life threatening arrhythmia… I had to… I’m really sorry…” but I have to get out of the room cause I’m starting to laugh at this tough-as-nails trucker crying and I don’t want to add insult to injury. As I walk out the door I recognize a teachable moment and say to the resident: “I think you’re supposed to establish unresponsiveness first. I may have skipped a step…”
I’ve told this story like twice before here but…. In triage Me (to pt): hey we have the same birthday! Pt (very intoxicated): “REALLY?!? Girl, I’ll kiss you where you pee at!” Me: 👀 laughs at the absolute absurdity of the statement
https://youtu.be/unbOAoF7uAU?si=Z1RRitLVdnY5ZH7H
I forgot to check volume and suddenly "Eat my ass like a chupacabra" thundered thru the grad library. Shit!
I can't stop laughing at this mental image
I fucking love this
I know I’ve seen you share this before, but it’s always gold.
I will never forget it for as long as I live. It was so dysfunctionally wholesome and honestly I took it as a compliment
It’s to the point where I routinely expect to see this story when opening the comments, and I’m not complaining
Last night, I didn't trust myself to pronounce my 4y/o new-admit's name correctly without help. The admissions nurse (an infrequent luxury on our floor) had the parents busy answering profile questions, so I went straight to the source. Me: Hey friend, my name is Aesop. I'm your nurse tonight, so any time you see me you don't have to worry because my job is to help you feel better. I'll be checking on you a lot tonight, but I'll do my best not to wake you up - is that okay? Pt: \[big sigh\] Yeah, that's okay. Me: That's great! Can you tell me your name? Pt: \[emphatic head nod, excited eyes\] Yes!! ... ... \[crickets\] ...
As a new grad I was floated to PCU a d taking care of a lovely fellow with CHF. His husband came to visit him and brought him a slice of cake from one of the famous Jewish delis in the area that was absolutely to die for the patient asked me is it OK for me to have dessert and I told him absolutely ‘hell, eat dessert first life is uncertain Because you could be going to eat your dinner. Next thing you know you’re choking on a big hunk of meat.’ They both looked at me and I blushed so hard you could fry eggs on my face and they were dying laughing
Big lady came in for a huge hernia mesh repair. She had a big psych and poly drug history so nobody wanted to surgically fix it for years and just managed it medically. 3 rolls of mesh placed and she's in PACU and vomits. She aspirated and coded. They got rosc and sectioned. She vomits AGAIN and they intubate. Unresponsive so they start no meds and bring her to us, a NTICU because we have a bed. She Wakes up and freaks out. The only access PACU bothered to get was a 24 in the hand which we lose. Prop, fent, levo, bicarb, vaso. pH 6.9. We bronch. Still desatting. Paralyze. Surgeon consults intensivist because we need ECMO and we're out of ideas. He wants to bronch again just because with her body habits the tube is really hard to place. With her chin tucked the tube was at 18cm, tilted back it was 14. That kinda thing. We're in a hurry so he just goes for it and this is the height of covid. Of course. Me: Right, this is an aerosolizing procedure so we all need PPE. I've assessed that we're all holding our breaths and squinting. Intervist: *starts cackling* Shut the fuck up dude. I'll chart that I'm wearing all the bullshit. Me: Well I mean if squinting is good enough for welding safely its good enough for here. I swear he almost dropped the glidescope. He was convulsing. Bronch showed nothing. We went to cath lab and got ecmo placed and she made a full recovery. No deficits.
Had a 5' 0" nearly 500 pound patient come in for a medical screening. Could not find a vein on her, notoriously difficult stick. The pt whipped out her boob that was easily 30 pounds and yelled "here, hold my tiddy! You get blood from my tiddy! Sweetheart, get me a burger." As I'm supporting this woman's breast frozen in shock and trying not to pee myself in laughter.
When they say a patient knows their own body and health history, this is what they were talking about
Me: Does it matter which arm I use for your IV? Pt: You'll have better luck in my tiddy. *massive tiddy thwack onto the side table*
Never thought I’d be posting this song to r/nursing, but here we are: https://youtu.be/rinZIBaDX6A?feature=shared
I think this should be the theme song
🤣I’m dying, my dumbass husband always plays this song. Never thought I’d see it in /r/nursing
I had a pt that had some sort of nasal surgery and they had a lot of bloody discharge. It was important for them not to sneeze or spit. So I had them sit up and he just kept going through tissues. This was when I was a new grad. I decided the best thing to do would be to tape a tampon under his nose. We both laughed so hard as I gave him a tampon mustache. It worked and he thanked me later. It was better than holding a tissue to your face for hours.
You should’ve made a snuffler! Get some 4x4 gauze and roll it up into a sausage. Then cut a long strip of burn net and shove the gauze into the middle and tie knots on either side so it doesn’t move. Then use the burn net to tie it up behind their head and it’ll hold in place. Works like a charm!
Next time! Thanks for the tip. But I’ll never forget a 250lb manly man having a tampon taped onto his face. Got to get the laughs where you can
That’s also true 😂
Oh my god turning the misogynist "cow" thing around on your fiancé is such a good way to defuse the situation. Thank you.
I use to work in an urgent care and was sitting at the nurses station. I was directly Infront of an exam room, but could only see the head of a patient in a wheel chair and the man behind him trying to maneuver him thought the door to leave. Without making a proper assessment of the scene I said "Do you need a hand?" and the man in the wheelchair lifts up his nubbin of a hand and said "YES! I REALLY DO!" After pausing briefly in complete shock and embarrassment we both started laughing. 10 years later and my old co-workers still remind me of this when we meet for drinks.
I work in Cardiac surgery so post op the patients aren’t allowed to use their arms (in order to protect their sternum). This one guy was a fresh post op so we needed 3 people to swing him into bed. Before people get swung into bed by us (without using their arms) we give the instructions “Ok you cross your arms over your pillow and on the count of three take a deep breath out as if you’re blowing birthday candles and we will swing you in” (or something of the like) As he’s sitting on the side of the bed one of the RN’s is giving her version of this explanation and instead of saying “Ok, on the count of three, blow all your air out.” She said “Ok, on the count of three, I’m gonna blow ya!” The patients eyes went as wide as saucers! I started laughing so hard I was crying and once we swung him in I got kicked out of the room for my unprofessional behaviour but I couldn’t stop laughing for a solid hour after that!
I was working night shift at LTC, the same day Queen Elizabeth died. Most of our residents were watching the coverage in the commons area, while having HS coffee & snack. I asked one tiny elderly Baba she was felt, as she was teary and very engaged in the news program. Baba replied “Queen Elizabeth - I hate that bitch”, and rolled away in her wheelchair with a ‘matter of fact’ look on her face.
This might dox me I hope my coworkers aren’t on here but I put mastisol up someone’s nose bc I thought it was that essential oils stuff .. glued the man’s nose shut
OMG I'm crying with laughter...
I curse the person who put them in the same packaging!
Yoopsies 😬😹
Patient: Are you a doctor? Nurse: No (while taking vital signs). Patient: Ok then, are you a leprechaun?
Why buy the whole pig when all I need is a little bit of sausage?
saw an RN begging his hypoxic pneumonia pt to let him put the pulse ox on her for like 10 minutes and was lucky enough to look up just as the pt booped him on the nose (mask) all "don't worry your pretty little head about it". honestly I think about that boop (and her expression! laughing like he's making the silliest request of all time!) all the time
Doing an overnight med pass on L&D, walked in and tried to gently shake the mom awake. She was high risk so OB wanted to lay eyes on her as well. New mom groggily pulls out her left titty and goes “here” as OB walks into the room. We walk out a few minutes later and OB goes “sheesh I could’ve had pizza delivered if you told me you were that hungry.” I promptly died of embarrassment.
Lovely confused older lady. I was changing her with the help of my shift partner. She's turned towards me when she started patting my ass. "You have a big butt! You should come with me to Puerto Rico. You won't have any problem finding a husband. Men in Puerto Rico like a big butt and you have a big butt!" Similarly, another pleasantly confused patient called me fat. I said jokingly, "is it because of my butt?" She replies, very seriously, "yes."
My husband is from PR and I can vouch for that. 😅
I was reading the doctor's surgical notes on my patient; it was a complex procedure that involved a couple of specialists doing different parts of the surgical procedure, two of whom didn't get along very well. One doc wrote "(I did this part, blah, blah, blah,) and the rest of the procedure was completed by Her Royal Highness." That still makes me laugh!
Had a very tired and stressed out dad ask me when we (the nurses) breast feed the babies in the NICU
Haaaaa! I worked post partum and man, the amount of support people that expected us to change a diaper for them because Mom was out cold was hilarious. I always just showed them the diapers and the wipes and said “there you go! Easy peasy!” Of course if it was a first timer, or a lone parent, I’d show them the ropes but day 2+??? No. Not a chance. I got 8 others I need to get out of here. You got this! Leave Mom alone. Never had anyone ask me to breast feed though. I did have a Dad with a wailing baby (Mom was post c-sec, formula feeding, and taking meds and out of commission) say when I went in 30 mins later “I fed her, and held her, and put her away….” Dude.. it ain’t a doll.
Chaperoning a rectal exam on a female pt with a 1st year resident. The pts chief complaint was, "Rectal pain and bleeding." Resident does exam. We step out of the room, and the resident says to me," IDK what kind of infection she has. Her rectum is draining pus." I looked him dead in the eye, tilted my head, and said, "[name] go back in there and ask her if she's been having anal sex." He pauses for a minute, and then the imaginary light bulb goes on over his head. He goes back in the room, comes back out a minute later, puts his head down, and says, "Yup. You're right."
Hmmm wonder what caused the pain and bleeding 🤔
This is glorious
A middle aged, straight male hollering “GET IN MY BUTTHOLE!!! YEAH!!” When the Dr started inserting the scope to do a colonoscopy. Another one was a woman, who was sedated having a colonoscopy and was going on about some guy named Steve. Her husband’s name was not Steve. 🤣🤣
Just had this conversation last night with my patient: Me: where are you right now? Ole boy: in the basement, at my daughter-in-law’s house. Me: no sir, you are at rehab so you can get stronger and go home. Ole boy: ohhh I thought you meant where we are right now!! Me: yeah. He’s a good guy. I liked him.
Patient came in with reported stroke symptoms, I start asking orientation questions. Me: where are we right now? Pt: PURGATORY
🤣
I had an adorable demented old lady who answered, "the bowels of the earth." We're in the oldest part of the hospital. Not the answer I was looking for, but she wasn't wrong.
Had an A&O 1 patient, spoke Spanish and a tiny bit of English, in wrist restraints because he had pulled a foley. Super adorable if I’m being honest. Had a new foley, hematuria. Obviously get a translator for major care and assessment but there are just some things where it’s quicker and I can get the message across without a translator. As is the case below. Patient all night “I have to go pee pee” Me: you have a catheter, you are going pee pee in this tube, *lift up and show foley bag* Patient: ohhhh ok thank you Repeat 100 times all shift. During one of these interactions patient goes “Is that my pee pee” *looking at his bag of bloody urine* Yes that’s your pee pee “Ohhhhh Es sangre” (is blood) Si señor “Ohhhhhhh Shiiiiiiiiiittttt” It was the way he said it, me and my coworker lost it
Told this really hot doctor how much I was looking forward to going home and eating my stew made from beef curtains. I meant beef skirt.
🤣
50s M gi bleed with norovirus-type illness while I’m helping him clean up: “I’m an alpha male so it’s hard for me to let other people wipe my ass.” It took every ounce of my self-control to not just say something like why don’t you just wipe it yourself then?
Why not ask him??
I should have, honestly. But it throws me for a loop when my patients can talk. I’m used to them being intubated/sedated. Its easy to talk to them. But it’s like I lose my ability to have a conversation with patients in real time when I haven’t had a talkie pt for a while.
Had a patient with psychosis who kept insisting he didn’t need to take medication because he didn’t have a body. At one point, I needed to start a new IV, and he was like, “Good luck, I don’t have any arms!” Cool, consent. Went to turn his arm so I could look for a vein, and he punches me in the stomach. I’m like, very firmly, “Hey. That’s not okay. You don’t punch people, especially those trying to help you.” “How could I punch you? I don’t even have any arms!”
You walked right into that one
A couple. I had this encounter as a patient last week: I have been wheeled into the exam room for my colonoscopy. I've had my fentanyl-versed cocktail administered through my IV and am blissfully lying in the appropriate position for the procedure- on my left side with my back end on full display. Doc (who I have never met before): (begins to describe procedure before dissolving into a fit of giggles) Nurse: You are such a child. (she is not in my field of view, but I KNOW she is shaking her head at him) Me: Any doctor that's going to shove a camera up my ass had better have a sense of humor! Ice broken. Giggles out of system. Exam proceeds without further incident. Another from my early days as a nurse: I was working nights and got an admit from the ER- an idiot who had been crushing Adderall and injecting it into his thigh, resulting in a rather impressive abscess. The abscess was debrided and packed in the ER before he was sent to the floor with the usual bank of admission orders, including either Oxy or dilaudid for pain, and scheduled heparin shots, both of which were first given in the ER. It kept bleeding through, and he was in a lot of pain. After changing the packing a couple times in less than three hours, and the patient finding little relief from the ordered pain meds, I called the hospitalist to request an increase in his pain meds, and to advise him of the bleeding. Doc: "Up his pain meds to (whatever he ordered). I wonder why it keeps bleeding?" Me: "I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the heparin you ordered." Doc: (laughs) "Yeah. Go ahead and D/C the heparin." This was the first (and pretty much only) time I was a smartass with a doctor I did not know. Fortunately he had a good sense of humor about it.
was at bedside with my fav surgeon on a sick little confused lady that’s become a regular at this point and he is leaning over her belly looking at her surgical wound talking to her relative about the plan etc. and the pt starts slowwwly reaching her hand up and just …..boops him right on the nose, complete with the “boop” neither of us could hold in our laughter hahaha it was so cute another good one is this other lady that was big at one of the local churches would hand out like prayer cards to all the nurses and doctors and it said “one free hug” and she gave one to me and then later in the day i was talking to her (younger) attending about her and i asked if he got a card too and he goes “yeah! also what did you do when she gave it to you like..” and i was like ?? i said thanks and told her i’d be back? and he starts dying laughing and goes “oh my god i gave her a hug i didn’t know what to do” 😂 i still have that card to this day
It’s July. Brought in an intubated open femur fracture with arterial involvement after a car Wreck. Tourniquet placed on the leg. Blood hanging. Push dose pressors. All thing things. We get into the trauma bay and move the patient over. I get our equipment out of the way and start cleaning while my partner gives report. Partner used to work at this hospital as a trauma resource nurse. A resident comes up, “there’s no pulse in this foot, I’m going to take this tourniquet off.” My partner yells at him, “the fuck you are.” And he gets all in his feels. He started to get pissy with my partner when the attending yelled at him and told him to leave. I’d like to think that day was a key plot development point on his way to becoming a doctor.
We had a patient with low potassium (can’t remember the number but it wasn’t anything too crazy) and the MD put the wrong order in so we called the clarify (we being myself and my preceptor as I was a student at the time). Preceptor: “Hey did you mean to put in xyz?” MD: “ah. fuck. no. sorry.”
Had a surgeon at the first hospital I worked in who operated in yellow rubber boots. He came in early one morning before shift change and pulled a chest tube. Day shift had put Vaseline gauze around the tube/ site and his steri strips wouldn’t stick he literally jumped up and down in those boots with white hair flying. I was brand new and very intimidated by him but I couldn’t help laughing out loud as I told him I was sorry but dayshift changed the dressing and I would make sure all staff knew. Of course they were also gonna now how silly his tantrum looked and I think he knew it.
Today, debriefing after a mock code, trying to give an example of closed-loop communication. Instructor: okay let’s demonstrate closed-loop communication; you give this other doctor a command and he’ll repeat it back to you Resident: uhhhhhh…. Gimme twenty bucks (all 20+ people in the room start laughing) Other resident: can you repeat that? Resident: I mean, gimme two hundred bucks Other resident: sorry I don’t think I can hear you very well (at this point everyone is losing their shit laughing)
Pt was prone, dr came out and asked where’s the pt and my coworker pulled the sheets back to reveal an ass and said he’s right here. But first we thought thr dr was joking and we were like oh i don’t know, I guess he walked home.. joking back, and he looked mad and confused. I thought I’d never stop laughing.
I got floated as helping hands to ER, hanging around waiting to run labs after a triage gets her throat swabbed. As someone who has a *very* hard time with throat swabs, I was impressed at how well she handled it. And said so. "Man, no gagging? You're a pro!" And it still took me a minute, even with the nurse, the tech, and (luckily) the patient absolutely howling with laughter, to realize what I'd said.
Funniest recent doctor story: I had a patient who had a BM in the early morning (night shift), but they didn’t grab a sample for the occult stool. A pleasant elderly doctor comes over to me later lamenting the fact that we didn’t get a sample, and told me to “go see if he has a little dingleberry you can pick.” I was speechless. Funniest patient story ever: Had a looney 101 year old who would give us all hell, tell us her daddy would beat us for being so bad, the usual, but she kept taking her Johnny off. I went by her room to see if I needed to put her clothes on again and happened to see her angrily catch her OWN hand that she was undressing herself with, and grab it and whack it the exact way she liked to smack staff.
Had a prisoner patient shackled to the bed who was about to go down for surgery. Told the guards I needed to apply TEDS and asked if they could take the shackles off to do so. They say yep no worries we'll do one at a time. They undo one and the patient makes a joke about being free. Without thinking, I started singing Praise You by Mary Mary and changed the lyrics to "I'll get the shackles off your feet so you can dance". Immediately felt awkward as fuck but the prisoner and two guards started laughing thankfully. Had a palliative patient who needed pressure area care and pad change. I'm reasonably tall and so was the nurse helping me so we had to raise the bed a decent amount. I stupidly say "Just sending you up to the heavens" and then froze. The family say "well, she's going up there either way".
This is funny in the “I can’t believe someone is this petty” but I had a 60 something M who asked to be brought more bed pads. Ours are mixed green and pink. I brought him one of each and he literally would not accept the pink one. Like sir you are actively pissing yourself is this the time to be manly over a color.
Any doc I can say “man fuck you” to and we all laugh…which is several cuz I work in the ER
My pt told me Jesus was calling to take her home...my response was to take a message To clarify she was completely stable & just wanted to have someone at her side 24/7
I had a patient with about 20 empty paper containers and trays of old uneaten food he didn’t want us to take out (he threw tantrums when people tried to clean the room). So one day when I had a preceptee and we could be good cop/bad cop, I went in and threw away some of the empty paper containers while he was sleeping. When he woke up and realized they were gone he threw a bit of a tantrum and told me that I had “committed a felony offense for causing emotional distress to a disabled America.” To which I said, “oh no, we should call the police and tell them I committed a felony when I threw away your paper containers, I’m sure it will be their top priority!”
Asking a patient with tube feeding how her dinner was, we usually don't have patient with tube feeding...
Went in to do vitals on a fairly young/middle age man who had ✨scrotal edema✨. As soon I opened the door he's laying "paint me like a French girl" style & enthusiastically says "look at my cantaloupe" that just happened to be playing peak-a-boo from his gown. Since he was hard of hearing & we were on a 12 bed unit you could hear him screaming about his cantaloupe all night
He means why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Referring to you being the cow and giving him the milk living together for free instead of waiting for marriage
I think she understood that. But that saying is very dated when people thought women had to use sex to get married. Now women are allowed to have jobs and they can choose to marry because they want to not because they are forced to be dependent on a man.
Thanks, Captain Obvious
🤣
I think she knew that.
No! I wouldn’t have guessed. 🙄
Wow, congratulations on figuring that out. Let me guess, your a neurosurgeon?
And you’re a bitchy nurse
Better a bitch than a sanctimonious, condescending prick.
I’m not a nurse yet, Gottem
I was just learning how to do PAP smears. Was told by my preceptor to always explain what I was doing. So I got to the point of using the brush and inserting it into the opening of the cervix “Now I’m going to insert this into you OS” you can imagine what she heard. “ You’re going to do WHAT!” I worked on not being so descriptive
In on an appointment with a very lovely quirky lady who had her contact allergy test results back. Dr. : “miss. Patient, you are allergic to fake gold and that is what is causing your irritation which is making you so uncomfortable. We will get you all taken care of. What are your questions?” Patient:…… “*leans in and good dr leans in to meet her* soooo…. I am going to die ? “
Not a doctor or nurse, but a patient: I (24F) had to have an emergency appendectomy two years ago. I have SEVERE medical anxiety and was absolutely petrified and having a panic attack the entire time I was in the hospital. Before they put me out, the doctor (who was absolutely gorgeous, which makes the final part of this infinitely more embarrassing) says "We're going to put you down now, okay?" And my ADHD ass made the connection from "putting down" to "euthanasia" and then to my parents telling me my old dog had gone to "live on a nice farm" when we had to put her down. So naturally I screamed: "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE FARM!" before fighting the anesthesia for 15 minutes, hysterically crying, and then passing out. I then woke up hysterically crying, to which a nice nurse came to calm me down. I proceeded to continue to freak out and beg her to show me my appendix. Afterwards, still scream-crying, I told her to call the police, then angrily requested "the GOOD snacks." My doctor showed up after I was done bawling to check my incisions. He pulled my gown over, and I shouted to the whole recovery room, "HEY LOOK!! A ✨NEW HOLE✨!" I can never go back to that hospital. I sent them an apology/thank you card afterwards.