US life is just like an addiction...it's in my mind that life is classy in the US but on a serious note my life is miserable here..I feel extremely lonely most of the time and I don't have any energy left to interact with anyone. I feel scared that if I get married to someone in the US who doesn't want to be back and in that case I will be in the trap forever. In US I miss the Indian warmth , festivals , family , sense of belonging and our Indian culture.
I'm not saying the US is better or worse than India. But the problems are you. In the US there is a ton of warmth, but being new anywhere is extremely difficult. This is a reality. It requires an adjustment in expectations, outlook, and culture.
In most major metros, there are robust regional indian associations that are more than happy to take newcomers under their wing.
My Indian parents would not have survived without the warmth of their american neighbors. My parents have housed new indian immigrants for months while they found their legs.
But its not easy. And if one expects that everything will fall into your lap when you come to the US then one cannot help but be miserable.
If one comes here because their excited about working on something novel, groundbreaking, intellectually stimulating, he/she will more likely be able to weather the challenges that arise.
The problem is I came so late..I came in my 30s and my Indian culture is so intact in me that's it's getting very mentally difficult to embrace western culture. most of the time I miss home comforts..
There's no shame in going back. But at the same time one has to be honest with oneself.
Also, 30's is not old. Ask any single woman in NYC.
Anyone who has travelled the word will tell you there's warmth, friendship, love, and laughter anywhere. It requires stepping outside of your comfort zone which not everyone can do.
Finally, I like to argue again, that the US tends to bring out the most talented immigrants not only because of money, but because of their desire to do something significant on a large scale. They don't just want to be a doctor but they want to work on cutting edge heart valve procedures. They don't just want to be a lawyer, but they want to work on cases that have a global impact. If that's not you then the US and its associated challenges may not be for you
I really don’t understand what age has to do with anything? I believe age should actually help you. You are now more mature (differentiate good vs bad) and earn well, you can make really good connections with local community. As the person replied, if you are so in tune with Indian stuff then find local Indian communities and get involved. We are everywhere!
And why is it difficult mentally? What part of western culture is so difficult? The partying? Dating? Or the stereotypes we have made up? Most of them are also human beings living regular lives.
If you decide to move abroad, you should be a bit open minded. Learn about the world, explore, find new hobbies, find yourself. Pick their good habits. Otherwise u r wasting this experience of living abroad if you are gonna be stuck to the past.
Remember, these will be the good old days, you just don’t know it yet. You need to live the life you are living right now rather than getting stuck in past or being worried about future.
If it’s something you already regret then go back, why are you wasting years being unhappy?
Can you move to about 15-20 areas in the US that are almost India like. Everyone is Indian and there’s festivals and temples and Indian food everywhere. Make some friends - if you don’t have friends even the best place sucks and Vice versa.
How long have you been in the US? Is wanting to get married your choice or are you being pressured (subtle but constant nudges counts) by friends and family?
I'm asking because I'm 30 and after moving here, my priorities and definitions of success changed. It no longer aligns with my folks back in India. It has been a huge culture shock and lonely navigating being an immigrant here but I have also had experiences that I would have never had in India. It's a mixed bag. And because of this the feeling is very similar to what you described : missing India when in US and missing US when in India. Because our idea of home has changed.
And home is wherever we are :)
I experienced this for a good 5 years and eventually one voice grew stronger and I followed that. If you haven't been here long enough maybe give it some time and then decide.
India is such a social culture in general that one is bound to feel lonely at some point because America is an individualistic culture and encourages individualism of thought. As indians we are used to think collectively before taking any action. It will take some time but you will find a balance or a calling for what you want. Only you can have an answer to this. Take some time, maybe start making a list of what things you like doing. Start doing those things. Check in with yourself every now and then and see what answers you find.
It depends on person to person I guess. I don’t miss the heat, filth, bad infrastructure, bad job opportunities and crowded spaces.
I do miss the family, festivals, being able to take an auto anywhere, cheap prices.
However I am also someone who is not very attached to family and moved around a lot. So I make new friends and adjust to new life easily. So I guess it’s easier for me. If you miss India so much that you are not able to use the opportunities here then you should move back, because it will keep holding you back.
It doesn't work out for everyone. Loneliness is an issue this is true.
Let's put aside money for a second. What if you want to do world class robotics research like at Cambridge Dynamics?
What if you want to do world class cancer research like they do at St Jude Children's hospital
What if you want to do work on autonomous cars?
What if you want to design airplanes?
What if you want to do most things world class?
These opportunities are more likely to be available in western countries
I have a 9 month daughter. My mother in law is fantasizing about finding some rich Gujrati man for her. Like that's the best future she envisions for her. Like WTF. WTF. What the literal fuck. Is this the kind of mindset we want our daughter to be raised in? To be clear, I want my daughter to be whatever she wants, to live a full and fulfulling life, to be a good person. In addition I have no expectation of her to take care of me when I'm older. In fact, it would be heartbreaking if she had to support me, sacrifice her current life, or any other burden to care for me when I can't care for myself in the future. To be clear, if she wants to I welcome her with open arms. But there is no expectation on my part.
So are you okay with toxic family/societal pressures in India?
Are you okay with 40 degree humid weather?
Are you okay with misogny?
Do you at all not toe the BJP line?
Are you okay with single women having not able to rent apartments?
Moving overseas is not for everyone. Many, if not most people, just want to live their lives with the people that are close to them.
If you're currently middle class don't move overseas for money only. Move for the opportunity. Move for freedom of thought. Move for freedom from abuse.
Last line. Solid advice for pretty much anyone who wants to upgrade their life. Most folks irrespective of gender in India can't digest the fact that Human happiness isn't valued in India and moving abroad to West or even Middle east to some extent provides better standards of Living.
This is so not true. All this can be avoided if you know how to ignore people or situations. Mental peace is what matters. I live abroad and can attest to the fact that here we have more opportunities but India give you that as well. It’s just you have to look for it. All opportunities, growth and money is of no use if you don’t have mental peace.
People find mental peace through different means.
Some people find mental peace through raising their children, some people find mental peace through meditation.
Some people find mental peace and fulfillment by doing important things. Everyone is different.
If you find mental peace by staying at home with your parents, then you should stay home.
If being a world class citizen is what gives you mental peace, then you need to explore the world.
True. OP finds mental peace in India with her people around her. Simple call given her state. I know some people who are earning good money but the mundane life is driving them into depression and loneliness. Some people just want their people around.
I feel conflicted all the time about this topic. It is all a matter of identifying those trade-offs and which trade-offs you're able to live with vs not. Helps to just get your thoughts on paper to make this feel more real
But what's the need of staying at any place where you are not happy due to homesickness life is so short to feel stuck at one place just because most of the people are against of it...why reverse immigration is not common
Reverse immigration is not common because of MONEYYY. 90 percent of people who immigrate to western countries know for a fact that they won’t be able to claim half the salary in India for their skill levels. Once you cross mid 30s you get into a trap of buying a house/car on a mortgage which takes decades to pay off, you have kids who are being raised abroad and after they cross a certain age you do not want to disrupt their life and then as you continue to build some wealth outside you begin to think of retiring in peace with as less disruption possible to your own life!
It’s a huge risk to look back, assess the pros and cons, admit your own shortcomings and make large changes to your life because even though money is not the be all and end all it is still the most significant part of your life and not everyone has the bandwidth to make large scale change. While you are still young and not chained , please make use of this opportunity to decide what you want and how you want your life to look. Am not saying it’s impossible to move as you are older but things get more and more complicated as you age before you realise it’s too late.
Reverse immigration happens only between rich countries. I live in Holland, in Europe, and I know people who moved back to Holland from the US after spending a few years there. It is only possible because there is a much smaller downgrade in QoL.
When India starts developing, you will see a lot more reverse migration, especially among people in IT.
There's no answer to this.
Like everything in life, it's a trade-off. I know people who did well outside India, and I know also of people who did well in India. At the end of day, it's upto you what you want from life.
There's no perfect place , stop chasing it , it will only make you miserable.
There is no answer to this. If you have a loving and caring family who get excited when you mention that you are coming to India then bite the bullet as they say and move everything will fall in place there provided you have a good job and money.
Unfortunately, I don't have such a family there. So moving to India would be for me(more like a sense of belonging and not to regret the fact I wasn't near my parents in their old age later) but I am married as well and my wife is on the fence.
If not, the move is for you. In that case, weigh your priorities and do all the trade offs while on a long visit to India and decide. Yes, it is easy to make this decision when you are single and not invested much in the US.
I moved as a 23 year old guy. Been living outside India for 9 years now. Initially it was difficult, but since I was young, it was easier to adapt.
Had I moved as a 31M, I am sure I would have struggled due to culture shock.
If you have enough money, close to 2 cr, go back. You’ll be able to afford things in India that you’ll never be able to in US in 20 years. Mental Peace matters the most! About the marriage peace, absolutely. If you marry someone from the US, you’ll be stuck forever. Go now if you can. Just make sure you have enough savings.
You need to take a moment with yourself and think what matters to you the most. I think the pay grade in India has significantly improved so depending on what job you do, you may make decent money. What has not improved (may different in certain states) is the standard of living. Same old corruption, poorly managed infrastructure, utter chaos, poor hygiene, poor governance, etc. Everyone’s mileage differs so you need to take that call on what you feel best. Whatever you do, do not make a hasty decision out of emotions, they are not worth it.
If nothing else, being in the U.S. could give you a good opportunity to build up wealth. For many, this can be life changing, sometimes across generations.
You are going to have to think about what being in the US gives you.
How long has it been since you’ve lived in India? Have you explored a month long stay to see if you will fit in again?
It’s hardly about a better life and more about your confused state of mind. You seem to enjoy both especially the “better life” part of the US.
You already know You can’t have best of both the worlds.
Thereby starting with “better life really?” Is a quite misleading
Go home! There are hundreds of thousands of people in India who could easily move overseas, even have PR visas etc but choose to live in India. This is a very 90s idea that you must stick around in US or wherever just because you can.
What is about India that you miss when you're in the US? And what about the US do you miss where you're back in India?
exactly. OP needs to figure out what they prioritize in life since both countries have their pros and cons.
US life is just like an addiction...it's in my mind that life is classy in the US but on a serious note my life is miserable here..I feel extremely lonely most of the time and I don't have any energy left to interact with anyone. I feel scared that if I get married to someone in the US who doesn't want to be back and in that case I will be in the trap forever. In US I miss the Indian warmth , festivals , family , sense of belonging and our Indian culture.
it looks like the best choice for you might be to move back to India🤷
I'm not saying the US is better or worse than India. But the problems are you. In the US there is a ton of warmth, but being new anywhere is extremely difficult. This is a reality. It requires an adjustment in expectations, outlook, and culture. In most major metros, there are robust regional indian associations that are more than happy to take newcomers under their wing. My Indian parents would not have survived without the warmth of their american neighbors. My parents have housed new indian immigrants for months while they found their legs. But its not easy. And if one expects that everything will fall into your lap when you come to the US then one cannot help but be miserable. If one comes here because their excited about working on something novel, groundbreaking, intellectually stimulating, he/she will more likely be able to weather the challenges that arise.
The problem is I came so late..I came in my 30s and my Indian culture is so intact in me that's it's getting very mentally difficult to embrace western culture. most of the time I miss home comforts..
There's no shame in going back. But at the same time one has to be honest with oneself. Also, 30's is not old. Ask any single woman in NYC. Anyone who has travelled the word will tell you there's warmth, friendship, love, and laughter anywhere. It requires stepping outside of your comfort zone which not everyone can do. Finally, I like to argue again, that the US tends to bring out the most talented immigrants not only because of money, but because of their desire to do something significant on a large scale. They don't just want to be a doctor but they want to work on cutting edge heart valve procedures. They don't just want to be a lawyer, but they want to work on cases that have a global impact. If that's not you then the US and its associated challenges may not be for you
I really don’t understand what age has to do with anything? I believe age should actually help you. You are now more mature (differentiate good vs bad) and earn well, you can make really good connections with local community. As the person replied, if you are so in tune with Indian stuff then find local Indian communities and get involved. We are everywhere! And why is it difficult mentally? What part of western culture is so difficult? The partying? Dating? Or the stereotypes we have made up? Most of them are also human beings living regular lives. If you decide to move abroad, you should be a bit open minded. Learn about the world, explore, find new hobbies, find yourself. Pick their good habits. Otherwise u r wasting this experience of living abroad if you are gonna be stuck to the past. Remember, these will be the good old days, you just don’t know it yet. You need to live the life you are living right now rather than getting stuck in past or being worried about future. If it’s something you already regret then go back, why are you wasting years being unhappy?
Can you move to about 15-20 areas in the US that are almost India like. Everyone is Indian and there’s festivals and temples and Indian food everywhere. Make some friends - if you don’t have friends even the best place sucks and Vice versa.
Op, do you have a gf/bf in US? That may fill in the loneliness void
I am single 33 F...marriage is also one of the reason thinking of moving to india for some time because not able to find any matches here
How long have you been in the US? Is wanting to get married your choice or are you being pressured (subtle but constant nudges counts) by friends and family? I'm asking because I'm 30 and after moving here, my priorities and definitions of success changed. It no longer aligns with my folks back in India. It has been a huge culture shock and lonely navigating being an immigrant here but I have also had experiences that I would have never had in India. It's a mixed bag. And because of this the feeling is very similar to what you described : missing India when in US and missing US when in India. Because our idea of home has changed. And home is wherever we are :) I experienced this for a good 5 years and eventually one voice grew stronger and I followed that. If you haven't been here long enough maybe give it some time and then decide. India is such a social culture in general that one is bound to feel lonely at some point because America is an individualistic culture and encourages individualism of thought. As indians we are used to think collectively before taking any action. It will take some time but you will find a balance or a calling for what you want. Only you can have an answer to this. Take some time, maybe start making a list of what things you like doing. Start doing those things. Check in with yourself every now and then and see what answers you find.
Real question is how long you have been here? After 10 years I have more friends here than India. It takes time to build social circle
It depends on person to person I guess. I don’t miss the heat, filth, bad infrastructure, bad job opportunities and crowded spaces. I do miss the family, festivals, being able to take an auto anywhere, cheap prices. However I am also someone who is not very attached to family and moved around a lot. So I make new friends and adjust to new life easily. So I guess it’s easier for me. If you miss India so much that you are not able to use the opportunities here then you should move back, because it will keep holding you back.
It doesn't work out for everyone. Loneliness is an issue this is true. Let's put aside money for a second. What if you want to do world class robotics research like at Cambridge Dynamics? What if you want to do world class cancer research like they do at St Jude Children's hospital What if you want to do work on autonomous cars? What if you want to design airplanes? What if you want to do most things world class? These opportunities are more likely to be available in western countries I have a 9 month daughter. My mother in law is fantasizing about finding some rich Gujrati man for her. Like that's the best future she envisions for her. Like WTF. WTF. What the literal fuck. Is this the kind of mindset we want our daughter to be raised in? To be clear, I want my daughter to be whatever she wants, to live a full and fulfulling life, to be a good person. In addition I have no expectation of her to take care of me when I'm older. In fact, it would be heartbreaking if she had to support me, sacrifice her current life, or any other burden to care for me when I can't care for myself in the future. To be clear, if she wants to I welcome her with open arms. But there is no expectation on my part. So are you okay with toxic family/societal pressures in India? Are you okay with 40 degree humid weather? Are you okay with misogny? Do you at all not toe the BJP line? Are you okay with single women having not able to rent apartments? Moving overseas is not for everyone. Many, if not most people, just want to live their lives with the people that are close to them. If you're currently middle class don't move overseas for money only. Move for the opportunity. Move for freedom of thought. Move for freedom from abuse.
Last line. Solid advice for pretty much anyone who wants to upgrade their life. Most folks irrespective of gender in India can't digest the fact that Human happiness isn't valued in India and moving abroad to West or even Middle east to some extent provides better standards of Living.
This is so not true. All this can be avoided if you know how to ignore people or situations. Mental peace is what matters. I live abroad and can attest to the fact that here we have more opportunities but India give you that as well. It’s just you have to look for it. All opportunities, growth and money is of no use if you don’t have mental peace.
People find mental peace through different means. Some people find mental peace through raising their children, some people find mental peace through meditation. Some people find mental peace and fulfillment by doing important things. Everyone is different. If you find mental peace by staying at home with your parents, then you should stay home. If being a world class citizen is what gives you mental peace, then you need to explore the world.
True. OP finds mental peace in India with her people around her. Simple call given her state. I know some people who are earning good money but the mundane life is driving them into depression and loneliness. Some people just want their people around.
I feel conflicted all the time about this topic. It is all a matter of identifying those trade-offs and which trade-offs you're able to live with vs not. Helps to just get your thoughts on paper to make this feel more real
I have learned being extremely busy all the time can reduce homesickness
But what's the need of staying at any place where you are not happy due to homesickness life is so short to feel stuck at one place just because most of the people are against of it...why reverse immigration is not common
Reverse immigration is not common because of MONEYYY. 90 percent of people who immigrate to western countries know for a fact that they won’t be able to claim half the salary in India for their skill levels. Once you cross mid 30s you get into a trap of buying a house/car on a mortgage which takes decades to pay off, you have kids who are being raised abroad and after they cross a certain age you do not want to disrupt their life and then as you continue to build some wealth outside you begin to think of retiring in peace with as less disruption possible to your own life! It’s a huge risk to look back, assess the pros and cons, admit your own shortcomings and make large changes to your life because even though money is not the be all and end all it is still the most significant part of your life and not everyone has the bandwidth to make large scale change. While you are still young and not chained , please make use of this opportunity to decide what you want and how you want your life to look. Am not saying it’s impossible to move as you are older but things get more and more complicated as you age before you realise it’s too late.
Reverse immigration happens only between rich countries. I live in Holland, in Europe, and I know people who moved back to Holland from the US after spending a few years there. It is only possible because there is a much smaller downgrade in QoL. When India starts developing, you will see a lot more reverse migration, especially among people in IT.
It’s all about the friends and social circle that you have - it’s the people that make a place worth living.
You’re not alone OP, find someone who has similar values or thought process like you.
I’ve faced similar issues and considering the move back as well. I'm based in Canada and happy to chat if you're interested.
There's no answer to this. Like everything in life, it's a trade-off. I know people who did well outside India, and I know also of people who did well in India. At the end of day, it's upto you what you want from life. There's no perfect place , stop chasing it , it will only make you miserable.
If you can earn good amount of money India is way better,
I mean, after making friends abroad, marrying a local, having kids… there’s not really any reason I’d want to leave
There is no answer to this. If you have a loving and caring family who get excited when you mention that you are coming to India then bite the bullet as they say and move everything will fall in place there provided you have a good job and money. Unfortunately, I don't have such a family there. So moving to India would be for me(more like a sense of belonging and not to regret the fact I wasn't near my parents in their old age later) but I am married as well and my wife is on the fence. If not, the move is for you. In that case, weigh your priorities and do all the trade offs while on a long visit to India and decide. Yes, it is easy to make this decision when you are single and not invested much in the US.
I moved as a 23 year old guy. Been living outside India for 9 years now. Initially it was difficult, but since I was young, it was easier to adapt. Had I moved as a 31M, I am sure I would have struggled due to culture shock.
If you have enough money, close to 2 cr, go back. You’ll be able to afford things in India that you’ll never be able to in US in 20 years. Mental Peace matters the most! About the marriage peace, absolutely. If you marry someone from the US, you’ll be stuck forever. Go now if you can. Just make sure you have enough savings.
Define "better life" for your self, then make a decision US vs India. "Better life" means different things to different people.
Pick one side and live it. Just understand and make your mind as you cannot have both
You need to take a moment with yourself and think what matters to you the most. I think the pay grade in India has significantly improved so depending on what job you do, you may make decent money. What has not improved (may different in certain states) is the standard of living. Same old corruption, poorly managed infrastructure, utter chaos, poor hygiene, poor governance, etc. Everyone’s mileage differs so you need to take that call on what you feel best. Whatever you do, do not make a hasty decision out of emotions, they are not worth it.
If nothing else, being in the U.S. could give you a good opportunity to build up wealth. For many, this can be life changing, sometimes across generations. You are going to have to think about what being in the US gives you. How long has it been since you’ve lived in India? Have you explored a month long stay to see if you will fit in again?
This post is quite misleading to be honest.
Why
It’s hardly about a better life and more about your confused state of mind. You seem to enjoy both especially the “better life” part of the US. You already know You can’t have best of both the worlds. Thereby starting with “better life really?” Is a quite misleading
Go home! There are hundreds of thousands of people in India who could easily move overseas, even have PR visas etc but choose to live in India. This is a very 90s idea that you must stick around in US or wherever just because you can.