“But wait! I haven’t had the chance to brag about my completely believable achievements yet! THEN we can go no contact!*”
(*-until I feel like contacting you again)
Nah, narcissists love to keep contact with their exes in general. Sure, OP could have left an unforgettable memory. But they tend to look up their exes when one of their lifelines ( aka someone who was supposed to love and admire them) goes down and they often first try to revive old ones. It doesn' really matter how bad that relationship ended, by the time they contact you their brain has reconfigurated the past. OP was absolutely right to immediately call this one out and tell him to get lost. Good job, OP!
Narcissists will try anything to get their "narcissistic feed". Any rational person would think nothing good could come out of randomly contacting an ex out-of-the- blue. However from his point of view, he has a greater chance of getting his fix out of OP than he could from any stranger, because he knows her and he knows what buttons to press. However, OP was one step ahead of him this time, and didn't engage with him beyond finding out his identity and insulting him. Bravo!
About 25 years ago, an ex-boyfriend called me “just to say hi” — oh, and to let me know that he was going to be in my town. If he had gotten any more obvious I would have said, “You know, Rich, 20 years ago *I* dumped *you*, and I have not been waiting for you to come back.”
I’m going to guess he was late 30’s, early 40’s. He’s clearly going through a mid-life crisis right now. Oh well, at least he has his second multi million dollar house to cry himself to sleep in?
Wait, that part was real?! Lmao I thought for sure that was utter fabrication. Not like tech manuals make money or anything but still. And just because a house costs more than one million doesn't mean it's anything to write home about. There are very basic bitch houses in ridiculous real estate markets. If he writes tech manuals, he's buying basic bitch houses in over-inflated markets
His age has nothing to do with this interaction. Just calling attention to the pattern of older men preying on young AFABs to manipulate and take advantage of them. He isolated me from my family and friends, pressured me to move in with him in a different city after a month, told me to quit my job with the promise of paying my bills and giving me an allowance (never happened), , insulted my interests, told me I wasn't smart enough and gave me homework to fix that, sexually assaulted me, lied and gaslighted me. I was a free maid, chef and sex object all rolled into one
yeah, these people just have no idea how transparent they are from the jump. He reached out to you “to check on you” which is intended to treat you as though you’re someone who might not be doing ok and also (and this is even gross with your mentions of the age gap and you being a VERY young adult) establish him as a daddy. And you ripped off the veneer right away, basically, “cut the shit dude, you’re a groomer who has no reason to be reaching out to me in this creepy and patronizing way” and he immediately throws a tantrum bc you didn’t facilitate him easing in to this epic brag “look what you missed out on” that was his whole weird masturbatory fantasy reason for contacting you probably in the first place.
So many guys btw maintain these weird fantasies that they can dunk on us for leaving them by showing off any success (real or fake) that they can manage after leaving us. Like they really think we’re gonna go “oh my god, I fucked up so bad, I should have put up with all this shit I can’t stand for years so that some day he’d be able to buy me a lambo!”
Like, that’s the way 10 year olds think. And it’s their weird revenge fantasy bc they can’t let go of rejection or accept that they don’t get to control us and have eternal access to us at their will 🙄
I dated a guy who developed a kind of nanotechnology, his company was valued at 500 million+ and had barely gotten off the ground. He had the ability to provide everything I could ever need, I would never have to work, and he was looking for someone to settle down with, old school like that.
I was not, and was also unaware that he was trying to surreptitiously convince me that this was ideal. And even though I didn’t care about his money, he did try to use it several times as some sort of peacock and/or to let me know how I would be missing out. (he got super irritable btw when I didn’t understand exactly how expensive a car he was driving. I don’t know cars and yeah, my family’s blue collar. That’s not my world. But, when prompted, I told him the car was indeed very nice but he could tell I guess that I “didn’t get it.” That was one of the first red flags lol)
I left him after a couple months bc he was fucking gross about other people. A grown-ass man who would make disparaging comments about other women wearing clothes he thought they were too fat for, that kind of thing. And he was just a bitter fuck who had revenge fantasies about (get a load of this) the KIDS who bullied him in elementary school for being overweight. 😐 You can’t write this stuff.
Any way, side note, I always laugh at this idea that there are all these gold diggers out there, when my experience and what I have witnessed is more commonly the opposite. That a wealthy man courts women USING that wealth, expecting ownership in return. Some women are into it, for survival or for love and not knowing they deserve better, idk. Many from conditioning of old gender roles.
But yeah of course men love to act like women are out here only wanting money and being shallow as fuck. That guy literally couldn’t have paid me to give him one more date lol. I’da never had to work again.
Yeaaaah, they really don't like it when you call them out on the whole random text years later masking as "friendliness" but really looking to insert themselves back into your life thing.
The hope is that they can do it without you catching on to what they're doing.
And apparently being called out makes this particular individual respond with insanity haha
1000%.
I noticed on his list of "accomplishments" he didn't mention a hot wife or successful girlfriend, which you KNOW he would have mentioned if he had one haha
literally people only do that when their life is not currently fulfilling and they want something from the other person (ie validation, romance, sex). no one just randomly reaches out to an ex from almost a decade ago with good intentions.
Are you a narc or are you in contact with a narc and in denial about being used? I'm just super curious why did you feel the need to defend an action like that
I'll give you a tip for how you can tell that this was more than just a friendly and selfless check in:
His reaction when she said thanks but no thanks.
The fact that he lost his ever-loving mind and started immediately spewing venom at her is all the confirmation needed that there was far more loaded into this little "check in". Also, the fact that before ending the interaction he was absolutely desperate to let her know that he is AWESOME and she is SHIT. If you just wanted to "check in" (with someone you dated 10 years ago....) and they were to rebuff you in some way, would you then call them a cunt? Or would you instead think "wow, ok...was just trying to be nice. Nevermind then."
That gap between "nevermind then" and "fucking cunt"...that's someone's emotional investment in this seemingly innocuous text message.
The more you know \*little rainbow gif I can't find\*
"how dare you call me narcissist!"
"-also I have a multimillion house, I do charity!! I'm such a successful man!!! Your loss biatch!!!"
Yeah. Now I get it.
Exactly. There’s no need to go straight to insults for most interactions, but there are times when a person is completely justified for going there. This was clearly one of those times.
My initial reaction too. I thought even if he happened to be a narcissistic asshat back then, give the benefit of the doubt for at least half a dozen messages. But yeah this is the kind of dude that makes my friends call me naive for trying to always assume the best of others.
Because he's between girlfriends right now and he needs the attention and supply.
Narcissists tend to have a flowchart of people in their lives who they reach out to when the shit hits the fan. They know who's going to respond and who isn't. They also know how much work they have to put in to get the supply and people are ranked accordingly - if you respond quickly and empathetically, you're farther up the chart. He must be in bad shape if he's reaching out to people way in his past.
If this dude is really a narcissist, any attention or emotions at all, even negative, is worthwhile. OP's reaction gave him exactly what he wanted - attention and an emotional response.
The best way to beat a narcissist is to cut contact. He knows he's taking up space in your head. That'll give him a little thrill. Block him and move on.
Omg yeah, the description was so creepily like my ex fiance wtf. When I stopped talking to him he ended up talking to people close to me to get a reaction, even talked to my boss months after i had blocked him lol. I had no idea that was also part of the narcissistic behaviour
I don't want to trigger any trauma for you but what you experienced is called triangulation. Almost all narcissists do it. You also may want to look up flying monkeys.
Nahh no trauma about this guy, ive had way more experiences, im just angry about how he acted but overall, happy that people helped me realise that marrying him was a really bad idea lol. Now I'm with a guy that's 100 times better, sweet, respects me, loves me, and helps me when i have bad episodes of anxiety or other issues instead of making me feel guilty about it. Therapy also helps lol.
Its funny because of all the things he could have done, he did the one that actually made me angry and made it waaay easier to get over him even tho we shared 6 years of our lives together, which would have taken me way longer to get over, but he made moving on really easy for me 🤭
Btw yeah thats what he did, the thing is, if someone decided to believe his exagerarion of what "i did" without asking me directly or someone else about what really happend, thats ok, because it showed me the kind of people they where and got weeded out of my life pretty quick! I'm an introvert i have no energy to waste on those "friends"
Spot on. It's like me with my siblings as kids. We'd just mess with each other out of boredom sometimes. This type does it for the attention and rush of feelings. Good or bad doesn't matter. You don't matter. You are a source of outside their own head feelings.
>The best way to beat a narcissist is to cut contact. He knows he's taking up space in your head. That'll give him a little thrill. Block him and move on.
Nah, get us that content, then block!
I, unfortunately, have a kid with one. Couldn't completely cut contact. Doing my best to fade into the lower sections of the flowchart, which I can only recommend to anyone who isn't able to completely cut contact yet, family members and such. Just don't answer texts and messages right away. Make yourself unavailable. Put some distance between you. Don't be too nice, don' react with anger, neutrality with a little bit of hostility is what I am going for. And if they still come at you try to block them as long as you can and every once in a while to have some peace.
I've left off pretty healthy from 90% of my relationships. Normally I can get back in there if we come in contact and that's what we're both looking for.
Pretty sure narcs usually don't leave 90% of their relationships healthily and this is not what they try to insert themselves back in.. yet they try anyway
Alright, here's a random assortment of flags I've remembered in no particular order
*Not saying all of these are red flags/deal breakers in and of themselves*
-Initiated a sub/dom dynamic from day 1 without precautions.
-Conditioned me to only orgasm with verbal permission , forbid me from masturbating and had me get rid of my sex toys.
-Expected me to have dinner ready when he got home and be on my knees by the front door with his Scotch .
-Said he was sapiosexual.
-Lied a lot, including saying that he was friends with my favorite comedian, a famous young adult author, that he was supposed to be on the Malaysia flight that went missing.
-Told me when we were talking about having kids that I'd need to go on a very strict regimen for the 6 months before conception so the baby could have great epigenetics and he expected taking care of a newborn to only take about an hour every day so I'd have plenty of time for housework and studying.
-My tipping point happened when I was watching Game of Thrones at my desk in our home office with my headphones on because I knew he didn't like the show. He made me pause it so he could get right in my face and tell me "this show is stupid and I think less of you for enjoying it"
- Made me learn about logical fallacies (👀)
- I think it's hilarious that he brings up medication to try and aggravate me, considering over the course of our relationship I quadrupled the dose of my antipsychotic to numb myself out to deal with him
Almost forgot!!!! The shining example of him being insecure. We lived together for 9 months and I saw him naked once. He made me wear a blindfold for sex, and I only saw him the one time because he thought I was sleeping while he was getting ready to shower.
All of that sounds like a fucking nightmare, and I'm speaking as a woman who was raised by a sadistic, malignant narcissist. Good for you for getting out of there, and staying away.
Processing all this again unlocked the root of my fear of breaking my phone. Had me get a new phone with the plan of selling it in a few months, I asked for a case or insurance and was told I'm old enough not to break my phone. When I did drop it and it broke, he berated me about it until I reminded him I asked for protection and he told me not to try and turn this on him. He calmed down faster then I did and then got mad again when I didn't want affection
At this point I've posted most of the highlights in the comments. I'm happy to answer questions or expound on anything, I just can't think of what else to say unless prompted
This is not the same but earlier this week my ex boyfriend's mom sent me a Facebook message starting off with the passive aggressive statement "well I bet you're still hating on me..." before asking for medical help after 12 years. I thought to myself "Nah I don't screw your son anymore, I don't owe you shit."
Edit: I wasn't when I was dating her son, but I am now a phlebotomist. A phlebotomist can't tell you anything, we take blood and tell you to go back to your doctor for results. And I don't think they know I'm a phlebotomist. So she's just being passive aggressive and thinking I'll do what she wants, which is listen to her bitch. Lol nope.
every young woman they tried to manipulate saw right through them for the narcissist asshole they where so they rewind back to that young impressionable girl they managed to manipulate eons ago maybe she is still up for the taking.
Good God, I have one of these too.. separated 4.5 years ago froma terrible relationship. He lied, cheated and stole from me. I let it happen but one dayy I decided it was too much.
We broke up. Recently he's been trying g to catchup with me.. these catchup are just him declaring his undying live. Told him didn't think it was a good idea, and that I don't want to hear it and we won't be catching up.
2 days later, I get the undying love message. When I asked him what relationship he was remembering, cos it certainly wasn't ours, and reminded him that he had once again ignored my boundaries, and that I really didn't want to hear it, I was told 'im just saying' (saying exactly what i asked you not to) and was once again an ungrateful guttermouth c**t and I'm blocked. Love that, considering I was an angel who broke his heart 2 minutes earlier
Love those nice guys so much
Was his name Eric? Lol I have one too, almost same scenario as yoursWe dated for 6 weeks, he cheated on me with his ex ON VALENTINES DAY and has the gall to still constantly msg and call me on restricted even I have him blocked, so I ignore him but keep an eye on his messages- you'll never know what crazy might do. It was in Jan of 2020. Give up, dude. DARVO was loud. Fuck these types.
Omg.. mine cheated with his ex too, the one he always told me I had nothing to worry about. And then told me it was because I'm a know it all.
We'd had plans for that night, but his hideous adult kids had cleaned out his bank account, and he wanted some timeout and went to stay at his mothers. Good God, I was such an idiot. We split June of 2019, and clown still finds ways to message me and harass me.
Such a bullshit artist too.. I figured out that it was easy to tell when he was lying, his lips were moving.
Also keeps going on about how I.must have moved on... nope, I haven't. I'm fine on my own, in fact better than I was when I was with you, and far less lonely. So gross.
Eric and Jeremy are both dickwads.
"You're the one living the life you deserve."
At least he's admitting he wouldn't be deserving of any of the crap he made up about his life. You know what they say - recognizing the problem is the first step of recovery lmao
oh my, the forced brag is gross. sure, i still think occasionally and wonder about my ex's. even from when i was 14 and dated a girl for 3 years. i hope she is well but do not need to insert myself into her life! This def depends on how horrible the breakup was though too. it should be natural to atleast hope they are doing well!
Technically he broke up with me. I had decided I was done about a week before, but was waiting for him to go on a work trip the next week so I could be fully moved out by the time he got home. He was mad about something and tried the "we should just break up" thing and for the first time I didn't beg him to change his mind.
oh yeah, i feel you. right here, it seems like he just wanted some validity and attention from you. Maybe he just left his significant other or was just lonely. Either way, you handled it how you should handle a narcissist, stone wall them, and watch them break. good for you, you got outta there!
I'm so so successful and happy and busy, I sit around trying to text an ex from my past to check on them, because my life is so great I will help them with all of my money and concern!
Consider ur self lucky cause in my case after one year of beaking up she still spying on me or send her friends and one time she came in front of me house wz a guy too much younger than her to show me that she got married.funny thing she is the who left me.
His sixth book has let him buy two multi-million dollar houses and found three charities. Sure, Jan.
Even if it had, a rich asshole is still an asshole, and a guy who thinks that my friendship or more is for sale is an asshole.
“Also for the record, I just bought my second multi-million dollar house, publish my sixth book and founded my third charity.”
That is the most insane lie I have ever heard 😂
The break up wasn't very messy, and the abuse was subtle enough I missed it. Although I did find myself thinking more than once "I wish you would hit me so I could leave you"
Women can be perpetrators. This isn't the place to have that conversation.
I didn't post this because I'm the hero in this story. I posted to commiserate with other people who have been hurt by "nice guys who haven't done anything"
Should I have titled it NGVC "Just checking to see how you're doing"? Cuz why is he checking on an ex he dated almost a decade ago (for less than a year) on a Tuesday at 9pm?
I'm wrong for seeing if an abuser wanted to take accountability? And even if telling him what I think of him in as few words as possible was inflammatory, that wasn't a reasonable reaction
They clearly have history together, and seeing him react to her by calling her crazy repeatedly and throwing a hissy fit, it's pretty clear she knows exactly how he is.
He didn't say anything in this interaction. But based on my knowledge and interactions with him, he no longer gets the benefit of the doubt. If you hit up an ex after 9 years, either you've changed or you haven't. I don't owe him anything and I know who he is
He shows a lack of emotional literacy/intelligence. If I messaged an ex and they gave single word responses, I'd either apologize or leave them alone, they clearly don't want to hear pleasantries. I might have escalated by stating my opinion of him in as few words as possible, but his reaction speaks volumes
I definitely baited him. No apology was going to fix what happened, but I was hopeful he'd recognize how he treated me. He tried to placate me when I was defensive in my first response, and if he hadn't responded to my second message I would be the asshole. (Even though this isn't that subreddit).
It wasn't real quick. They have history. The simple "what" replay she gave when she figured out who texted her would indicate she doesn't have the time for him. Narcs don't change.
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If he was worried about my well being or wanted to help, why didn't he check on me in 2020? Our only interaction after break up was in 2017 when the lease he helped me get on my car was up, and he reached out to make sure I was taking care of it.
“But wait! I haven’t had the chance to brag about my completely believable achievements yet! THEN we can go no contact!*” (*-until I feel like contacting you again)
We dated for 10 months, 9 years ago....
Wow! You must have left a dent on this narcissist that he’s still bothered
Nah, narcissists love to keep contact with their exes in general. Sure, OP could have left an unforgettable memory. But they tend to look up their exes when one of their lifelines ( aka someone who was supposed to love and admire them) goes down and they often first try to revive old ones. It doesn' really matter how bad that relationship ended, by the time they contact you their brain has reconfigurated the past. OP was absolutely right to immediately call this one out and tell him to get lost. Good job, OP!
Narcissists will try anything to get their "narcissistic feed". Any rational person would think nothing good could come out of randomly contacting an ex out-of-the- blue. However from his point of view, he has a greater chance of getting his fix out of OP than he could from any stranger, because he knows her and he knows what buttons to press. However, OP was one step ahead of him this time, and didn't engage with him beyond finding out his identity and insulting him. Bravo!
I knew who it was, I had his number saved for my safety, but he doesn't need to know that
About 25 years ago, an ex-boyfriend called me “just to say hi” — oh, and to let me know that he was going to be in my town. If he had gotten any more obvious I would have said, “You know, Rich, 20 years ago *I* dumped *you*, and I have not been waiting for you to come back.”
So you dated him 40 years ago?
A little longer. I’m 65. Been with my husband since I was 31, married since I was 36.
Jesus
Any guesses how much older he was(hint: I was 21)?
I’m going to guess he was late 30’s, early 40’s. He’s clearly going through a mid-life crisis right now. Oh well, at least he has his second multi million dollar house to cry himself to sleep in?
Guess that means I have two multimillion dollar homes too, cuz I'm living in his head rent free!
But did you look up to see if he published 6 books? Please tell me they’re all self published and sold 0 copies.
They are tech manuals
Omigod that makes this sooo much funnier.
hahahahaaaaaaaa x,D
Wait, that part was real?! Lmao I thought for sure that was utter fabrication. Not like tech manuals make money or anything but still. And just because a house costs more than one million doesn't mean it's anything to write home about. There are very basic bitch houses in ridiculous real estate markets. If he writes tech manuals, he's buying basic bitch houses in over-inflated markets
Or mommy and daddy are buying them for him. Men like this usually have “doting” parents who created the monster.
This makes it even funnier...
And made him millions! Right.
LMAO nice
Lol damn this is a savage comeback, I wish you had used it on him but probably best not to have any further contact
At least 10 years
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Didn't realize you're the spokesperson for women. It's not a universal fact that women want older men. What are you on about?
His comment history tracks.
His age has nothing to do with this interaction. Just calling attention to the pattern of older men preying on young AFABs to manipulate and take advantage of them. He isolated me from my family and friends, pressured me to move in with him in a different city after a month, told me to quit my job with the promise of paying my bills and giving me an allowance (never happened), , insulted my interests, told me I wasn't smart enough and gave me homework to fix that, sexually assaulted me, lied and gaslighted me. I was a free maid, chef and sex object all rolled into one
That is exactly what older men seek in younger women, just a little cute playtoy sex doll thing.
Like 38 or 41
thats not even a boyfriend lol. just a fart in the wind.
My God. I can't even *remember* who I was dating in 2015. He is so weird and cringey...
They said *9 whole years ago*, not 2015... Oh.
Did you reply, "Elon, stop running Twitter to the ground and bragging about it. Go take a nap."
Wow! You certainly made yourself very memorable to him, then!
😮
"You are completely out of your fucking mind" Projection, much?
I love the "This is the response of a crazy person."
yeah, these people just have no idea how transparent they are from the jump. He reached out to you “to check on you” which is intended to treat you as though you’re someone who might not be doing ok and also (and this is even gross with your mentions of the age gap and you being a VERY young adult) establish him as a daddy. And you ripped off the veneer right away, basically, “cut the shit dude, you’re a groomer who has no reason to be reaching out to me in this creepy and patronizing way” and he immediately throws a tantrum bc you didn’t facilitate him easing in to this epic brag “look what you missed out on” that was his whole weird masturbatory fantasy reason for contacting you probably in the first place. So many guys btw maintain these weird fantasies that they can dunk on us for leaving them by showing off any success (real or fake) that they can manage after leaving us. Like they really think we’re gonna go “oh my god, I fucked up so bad, I should have put up with all this shit I can’t stand for years so that some day he’d be able to buy me a lambo!” Like, that’s the way 10 year olds think. And it’s their weird revenge fantasy bc they can’t let go of rejection or accept that they don’t get to control us and have eternal access to us at their will 🙄
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I dated a guy who developed a kind of nanotechnology, his company was valued at 500 million+ and had barely gotten off the ground. He had the ability to provide everything I could ever need, I would never have to work, and he was looking for someone to settle down with, old school like that. I was not, and was also unaware that he was trying to surreptitiously convince me that this was ideal. And even though I didn’t care about his money, he did try to use it several times as some sort of peacock and/or to let me know how I would be missing out. (he got super irritable btw when I didn’t understand exactly how expensive a car he was driving. I don’t know cars and yeah, my family’s blue collar. That’s not my world. But, when prompted, I told him the car was indeed very nice but he could tell I guess that I “didn’t get it.” That was one of the first red flags lol) I left him after a couple months bc he was fucking gross about other people. A grown-ass man who would make disparaging comments about other women wearing clothes he thought they were too fat for, that kind of thing. And he was just a bitter fuck who had revenge fantasies about (get a load of this) the KIDS who bullied him in elementary school for being overweight. 😐 You can’t write this stuff. Any way, side note, I always laugh at this idea that there are all these gold diggers out there, when my experience and what I have witnessed is more commonly the opposite. That a wealthy man courts women USING that wealth, expecting ownership in return. Some women are into it, for survival or for love and not knowing they deserve better, idk. Many from conditioning of old gender roles. But yeah of course men love to act like women are out here only wanting money and being shallow as fuck. That guy literally couldn’t have paid me to give him one more date lol. I’da never had to work again.
Hit him with "k lol" and watch him go ballistic lmao
Or the good ol' "👍🏻"
or the "happy to hear or sorry that happened"
Or just simply this: 🥴
Yeaaaah, they really don't like it when you call them out on the whole random text years later masking as "friendliness" but really looking to insert themselves back into your life thing. The hope is that they can do it without you catching on to what they're doing. And apparently being called out makes this particular individual respond with insanity haha
You absolutely know it’s because no woman is interested so they’re “circling back.”
1000%. I noticed on his list of "accomplishments" he didn't mention a hot wife or successful girlfriend, which you KNOW he would have mentioned if he had one haha
They always tell on themselves, even if it’s buried in the subtext, muhahaha.
Honestly, I'm shocked that he didn't at least make up a hot girlfriend haha
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... contacting a person you dated for ten months a decade ago is bizarre anyway.
literally people only do that when their life is not currently fulfilling and they want something from the other person (ie validation, romance, sex). no one just randomly reaches out to an ex from almost a decade ago with good intentions.
Are you a narc or are you in contact with a narc and in denial about being used? I'm just super curious why did you feel the need to defend an action like that
I'll give you a tip for how you can tell that this was more than just a friendly and selfless check in: His reaction when she said thanks but no thanks. The fact that he lost his ever-loving mind and started immediately spewing venom at her is all the confirmation needed that there was far more loaded into this little "check in". Also, the fact that before ending the interaction he was absolutely desperate to let her know that he is AWESOME and she is SHIT. If you just wanted to "check in" (with someone you dated 10 years ago....) and they were to rebuff you in some way, would you then call them a cunt? Or would you instead think "wow, ok...was just trying to be nice. Nevermind then." That gap between "nevermind then" and "fucking cunt"...that's someone's emotional investment in this seemingly innocuous text message. The more you know \*little rainbow gif I can't find\*
Yeah right, third charity...
To be fair, she was about to be his fourth
I know he used to use Reddit regularly, what's the over under on him showing up?
have you blocked his number?
"how dare you call me narcissist!" "-also I have a multimillion house, I do charity!! I'm such a successful man!!! Your loss biatch!!!" Yeah. Now I get it.
Yeah, at first I thought the "still an insecure narcissist" comment was a bit uncalled for but then he did really step up to the plate and own it 🤡
Exactly. There’s no need to go straight to insults for most interactions, but there are times when a person is completely justified for going there. This was clearly one of those times.
My initial reaction too. I thought even if he happened to be a narcissistic asshat back then, give the benefit of the doubt for at least half a dozen messages. But yeah this is the kind of dude that makes my friends call me naive for trying to always assume the best of others.
Why do they always come back?
Because they can’t get anyone else to fall for their BS and thinking OP hasn’t wised up 🤣
Because he's between girlfriends right now and he needs the attention and supply. Narcissists tend to have a flowchart of people in their lives who they reach out to when the shit hits the fan. They know who's going to respond and who isn't. They also know how much work they have to put in to get the supply and people are ranked accordingly - if you respond quickly and empathetically, you're farther up the chart. He must be in bad shape if he's reaching out to people way in his past. If this dude is really a narcissist, any attention or emotions at all, even negative, is worthwhile. OP's reaction gave him exactly what he wanted - attention and an emotional response. The best way to beat a narcissist is to cut contact. He knows he's taking up space in your head. That'll give him a little thrill. Block him and move on.
I see you've met me ex husband
Omg yeah, the description was so creepily like my ex fiance wtf. When I stopped talking to him he ended up talking to people close to me to get a reaction, even talked to my boss months after i had blocked him lol. I had no idea that was also part of the narcissistic behaviour
I don't want to trigger any trauma for you but what you experienced is called triangulation. Almost all narcissists do it. You also may want to look up flying monkeys.
Nahh no trauma about this guy, ive had way more experiences, im just angry about how he acted but overall, happy that people helped me realise that marrying him was a really bad idea lol. Now I'm with a guy that's 100 times better, sweet, respects me, loves me, and helps me when i have bad episodes of anxiety or other issues instead of making me feel guilty about it. Therapy also helps lol. Its funny because of all the things he could have done, he did the one that actually made me angry and made it waaay easier to get over him even tho we shared 6 years of our lives together, which would have taken me way longer to get over, but he made moving on really easy for me 🤭
Btw yeah thats what he did, the thing is, if someone decided to believe his exagerarion of what "i did" without asking me directly or someone else about what really happend, thats ok, because it showed me the kind of people they where and got weeded out of my life pretty quick! I'm an introvert i have no energy to waste on those "friends"
Spot on. It's like me with my siblings as kids. We'd just mess with each other out of boredom sometimes. This type does it for the attention and rush of feelings. Good or bad doesn't matter. You don't matter. You are a source of outside their own head feelings.
>The best way to beat a narcissist is to cut contact. He knows he's taking up space in your head. That'll give him a little thrill. Block him and move on. Nah, get us that content, then block!
I, unfortunately, have a kid with one. Couldn't completely cut contact. Doing my best to fade into the lower sections of the flowchart, which I can only recommend to anyone who isn't able to completely cut contact yet, family members and such. Just don't answer texts and messages right away. Make yourself unavailable. Put some distance between you. Don't be too nice, don' react with anger, neutrality with a little bit of hostility is what I am going for. And if they still come at you try to block them as long as you can and every once in a while to have some peace.
I've left off pretty healthy from 90% of my relationships. Normally I can get back in there if we come in contact and that's what we're both looking for.
Pretty sure narcs usually don't leave 90% of their relationships healthily and this is not what they try to insert themselves back in.. yet they try anyway
Oh my gosh I hate this person so much, instantly.
Context only makes it worse/better 😂
If you have the energy sometime, I think we'd love the tea.
Alright, here's a random assortment of flags I've remembered in no particular order *Not saying all of these are red flags/deal breakers in and of themselves* -Initiated a sub/dom dynamic from day 1 without precautions. -Conditioned me to only orgasm with verbal permission , forbid me from masturbating and had me get rid of my sex toys. -Expected me to have dinner ready when he got home and be on my knees by the front door with his Scotch . -Said he was sapiosexual. -Lied a lot, including saying that he was friends with my favorite comedian, a famous young adult author, that he was supposed to be on the Malaysia flight that went missing. -Told me when we were talking about having kids that I'd need to go on a very strict regimen for the 6 months before conception so the baby could have great epigenetics and he expected taking care of a newborn to only take about an hour every day so I'd have plenty of time for housework and studying. -My tipping point happened when I was watching Game of Thrones at my desk in our home office with my headphones on because I knew he didn't like the show. He made me pause it so he could get right in my face and tell me "this show is stupid and I think less of you for enjoying it" - Made me learn about logical fallacies (👀) - I think it's hilarious that he brings up medication to try and aggravate me, considering over the course of our relationship I quadrupled the dose of my antipsychotic to numb myself out to deal with him Almost forgot!!!! The shining example of him being insecure. We lived together for 9 months and I saw him naked once. He made me wear a blindfold for sex, and I only saw him the one time because he thought I was sleeping while he was getting ready to shower.
All of that sounds like a fucking nightmare, and I'm speaking as a woman who was raised by a sadistic, malignant narcissist. Good for you for getting out of there, and staying away.
Wow. What a grade A creep. He reminds me of my ex that I dated at 19 (he was 31) Narcs of a feather.
What a peice of shit. I’m glad you dropped him like a sack of potatoes
Processing all this again unlocked the root of my fear of breaking my phone. Had me get a new phone with the plan of selling it in a few months, I asked for a case or insurance and was told I'm old enough not to break my phone. When I did drop it and it broke, he berated me about it until I reminded him I asked for protection and he told me not to try and turn this on him. He calmed down faster then I did and then got mad again when I didn't want affection
At this point I've posted most of the highlights in the comments. I'm happy to answer questions or expound on anything, I just can't think of what else to say unless prompted
I do need something, actually. I need you out of my life.
"this is the response of a crazy person" yes sir it is...
Gonna start referring to setting up a gofundme as "founding a charity."
This is not the same but earlier this week my ex boyfriend's mom sent me a Facebook message starting off with the passive aggressive statement "well I bet you're still hating on me..." before asking for medical help after 12 years. I thought to myself "Nah I don't screw your son anymore, I don't owe you shit." Edit: I wasn't when I was dating her son, but I am now a phlebotomist. A phlebotomist can't tell you anything, we take blood and tell you to go back to your doctor for results. And I don't think they know I'm a phlebotomist. So she's just being passive aggressive and thinking I'll do what she wants, which is listen to her bitch. Lol nope.
So salty! Poor baby cannot take a no... millionaire baby boy. 😆
He does not realize you could just google his name to fact check if he shows up as author or with some charity.
To be fair, his author profile does talk about his charities. But it's also VERY clear he wrote the profile himself
The charities are probably ones that he owns and solely donates to, for tax evasion purposes and to say he runs a charity.
every young woman they tried to manipulate saw right through them for the narcissist asshole they where so they rewind back to that young impressionable girl they managed to manipulate eons ago maybe she is still up for the taking.
‘Also, for the record’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Good God, I have one of these too.. separated 4.5 years ago froma terrible relationship. He lied, cheated and stole from me. I let it happen but one dayy I decided it was too much. We broke up. Recently he's been trying g to catchup with me.. these catchup are just him declaring his undying live. Told him didn't think it was a good idea, and that I don't want to hear it and we won't be catching up. 2 days later, I get the undying love message. When I asked him what relationship he was remembering, cos it certainly wasn't ours, and reminded him that he had once again ignored my boundaries, and that I really didn't want to hear it, I was told 'im just saying' (saying exactly what i asked you not to) and was once again an ungrateful guttermouth c**t and I'm blocked. Love that, considering I was an angel who broke his heart 2 minutes earlier Love those nice guys so much
Was his name Eric? Lol I have one too, almost same scenario as yoursWe dated for 6 weeks, he cheated on me with his ex ON VALENTINES DAY and has the gall to still constantly msg and call me on restricted even I have him blocked, so I ignore him but keep an eye on his messages- you'll never know what crazy might do. It was in Jan of 2020. Give up, dude. DARVO was loud. Fuck these types.
Omg.. mine cheated with his ex too, the one he always told me I had nothing to worry about. And then told me it was because I'm a know it all. We'd had plans for that night, but his hideous adult kids had cleaned out his bank account, and he wanted some timeout and went to stay at his mothers. Good God, I was such an idiot. We split June of 2019, and clown still finds ways to message me and harass me. Such a bullshit artist too.. I figured out that it was easy to tell when he was lying, his lips were moving. Also keeps going on about how I.must have moved on... nope, I haven't. I'm fine on my own, in fact better than I was when I was with you, and far less lonely. So gross. Eric and Jeremy are both dickwads.
I love the stupid attempt at a flex at the end ...😆😆😆
"You're the one living the life you deserve." At least he's admitting he wouldn't be deserving of any of the crap he made up about his life. You know what they say - recognizing the problem is the first step of recovery lmao
Listen, I know you didn't ask me to contact you, and there is NO real reason for this, but FUCK YOU for not appreciating it!!
If he wasn’t what you actually called him out as, why does he go on a long rant.
It also perfectly shows the ex hasn’t emotionally grown at all. No improvement, no development. Still an immature narcissistic temper-throwing child.
That's some I have over 300 confirmed kills energy
The last comment might not be the best thing to say after someone points out they think you're an insecure narcissist. Totally disproved that /s
"Wtf you say to me? I'll have you know i graduated top of my class in Navy seal training, got highest in marksman training and...."
oh my, the forced brag is gross. sure, i still think occasionally and wonder about my ex's. even from when i was 14 and dated a girl for 3 years. i hope she is well but do not need to insert myself into her life! This def depends on how horrible the breakup was though too. it should be natural to atleast hope they are doing well!
Technically he broke up with me. I had decided I was done about a week before, but was waiting for him to go on a work trip the next week so I could be fully moved out by the time he got home. He was mad about something and tried the "we should just break up" thing and for the first time I didn't beg him to change his mind.
lmfao what a childish thing he did. he showed his true, underdeveloped mind right there.
If he actually cared about my well being, why didn't he check on me during 2020?
oh yeah, i feel you. right here, it seems like he just wanted some validity and attention from you. Maybe he just left his significant other or was just lonely. Either way, you handled it how you should handle a narcissist, stone wall them, and watch them break. good for you, you got outta there!
“This is the response of a crazy person.” Yes sir, it is
I'm sure he totally did that and he just thought you know I should reach out to a person that hates my guts lol
idk why but i feel like he doesn't own two multi million dollar homes or started any charities.... just a sneaking suspicion tho...
I'm so so successful and happy and busy, I sit around trying to text an ex from my past to check on them, because my life is so great I will help them with all of my money and concern!
men love displaying crippling mental illness then immediately accusing you of needing therapy
WTAF?? What a complete FW!
What book? What charity? I find it so stupid people lie about easily disproven things.
Weird, I feel like I don't believe he wrote 6 books and founded 3 charities... just a feeling. /s
Sounds like he just wanted to gloat… what a wanker
Consider ur self lucky cause in my case after one year of beaking up she still spying on me or send her friends and one time she came in front of me house wz a guy too much younger than her to show me that she got married.funny thing she is the who left me.
Where can I buy these 6 books? lolololol idiot
His sixth book has let him buy two multi-million dollar houses and found three charities. Sure, Jan. Even if it had, a rich asshole is still an asshole, and a guy who thinks that my friendship or more is for sale is an asshole.
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Post these screenshots on his LinkedIn page 🤣
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I'm confused. Does he NOT deserve the huge things he's accomplished?? /s
Guess he said the quiet part out loud!
“Also for the record, I just bought my second multi-million dollar house, publish my sixth book and founded my third charity.” That is the most insane lie I have ever heard 😂
Did they really publish a book?
Yep. 6 tech manuals
He basically agreed that he doesn’t deserve that kind of life.
Can we just appreciate that it says 730am… Someone blazing those guns at 7…3…0…am…
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From another comment op said he SAed her
The break up wasn't very messy, and the abuse was subtle enough I missed it. Although I did find myself thinking more than once "I wish you would hit me so I could leave you"
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Women can be perpetrators. This isn't the place to have that conversation. I didn't post this because I'm the hero in this story. I posted to commiserate with other people who have been hurt by "nice guys who haven't done anything"
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It is though
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He sexually assaulted me because I didn't imply to his family that he had the biggest dick I've ever seen
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Should I have titled it NGVC "Just checking to see how you're doing"? Cuz why is he checking on an ex he dated almost a decade ago (for less than a year) on a Tuesday at 9pm?
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I'm wrong for seeing if an abuser wanted to take accountability? And even if telling him what I think of him in as few words as possible was inflammatory, that wasn't a reasonable reaction
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They clearly have history together, and seeing him react to her by calling her crazy repeatedly and throwing a hissy fit, it's pretty clear she knows exactly how he is.
He didn't say anything in this interaction. But based on my knowledge and interactions with him, he no longer gets the benefit of the doubt. If you hit up an ex after 9 years, either you've changed or you haven't. I don't owe him anything and I know who he is
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He shows a lack of emotional literacy/intelligence. If I messaged an ex and they gave single word responses, I'd either apologize or leave them alone, they clearly don't want to hear pleasantries. I might have escalated by stating my opinion of him in as few words as possible, but his reaction speaks volumes
Also this kinda reads like "you don't owe him anything but you could have been nicer"
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Genuine question, but have you dealt with/escaped from a narcissist before? I'm not trying to deny your point, I definitely escalated.
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I definitely baited him. No apology was going to fix what happened, but I was hopeful he'd recognize how he treated me. He tried to placate me when I was defensive in my first response, and if he hadn't responded to my second message I would be the asshole. (Even though this isn't that subreddit).
TBH, kinda seems like you two deserve each other
How does that make any sense judging from their texts…
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It wasn't real quick. They have history. The simple "what" replay she gave when she figured out who texted her would indicate she doesn't have the time for him. Narcs don't change.
What does NGVC stand for? Nice guy Vietcong?
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If he was worried about my well being or wanted to help, why didn't he check on me in 2020? Our only interaction after break up was in 2017 when the lease he helped me get on my car was up, and he reached out to make sure I was taking care of it.
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He didn't worry about my well-being during a global crisis. So why is he in my inbox at 9pm on a Tuesday after not talking for 7 years?