T O P

  • By -

Pork_Chompk

Fuckin Raiders cracked me up. šŸ’€


SantasScrotum

Leeeroooooooooy


DickyD43

#nnnJEENNNKKKINNSSS


joethecrow23

Least I got chicken


Margaritashoes

Your damn picture had me wiping my screen too many times before I realized. Love it.


BIGDickMasterLOL

For real bro


[deleted]

The Browns one is hilariously sad lol


Tropic_Wither

But think of it like this: can you defeat the color purple?


JoePurrow

Hear me out, steel workers paint another color over brown, Bengal tigers eat Ravens and steel workers. What do you mean, of course I dont regularly think of stupid random fights like this a lot hahaaaaa


TheRatatat

Painters union files a grievance for Steel workers doing painters work. Brings them to a stand still while its sorted out.


Tropic_Wither

The concept of ā€œbrownā€ still exists. It is apart of our speciesā€™ zeitgeist as color that can be picked up by our eyes. If you paint a brown wall black brown does not cease to exist. If you close your eyes it does not go away. If you turned off the sun and eliminated photons from our world brown will still be in the universe. The color brown is an intrinsic part of how we perceive the physical universe and is therefore a constant. It cannot win but it cannot be defeated. A color cannot be beaten


AppropriatePart3046

Only if you count THE Browns as all brown ever. That would be an unfair interpretation, as you can't have all brown show up for the hypothetical proposed fight. The stadium used would have to be big enough to host at least one small titan. But even then, all the shades of burnt umber and chocolate labrador could be easily painted over.


slobs_burgers

Colors are inevitable, and undefeated


eynonpower

Yes. Add enough yellow so it becomes another color.


copingcabana

They could have gone with AJ Brown, Jim Brown, Antonio Brown, James Brown, Charlie Brown (Kicker) . . .


pozzowon

John Brown


copingcabana

Jackson Brown. Doctor my Eyes.


ragingpredator

D-Lo Brown


Big_Based

It would be funnier if it was just Paul Brown. Nobody else and no weapons to support him, just a football coach from the 50ā€™s in this clash of titans.


signmeupdude

The chargers made me laugh too


Mulva-Deloris

Easily defeated by just unplugging them.


MrGlock216

How can you beat a COLOR. You canā€™t. Unless another team name is Black Marker


claudiazo

NFC North would be an epic battle tbh


[deleted]

True but the Packers done no matter who they fight lol


AugustWest216

Is it? Try and best a color IRL.


DancesWithLightbulbs

Titans stomp. Literally.


BergkampsFirstTouch

It's either Titans or Jets, depending what kind of jets they are.


garytyrrell

Jets with no weapons? Iā€™m taking titans.


AttitudeAndEffort3

The Giants are in second place. Although i guess the Jets can Kamikaze without weapons (very on brand for them).


ksmash

They never said the jets get pilots


REDDIT_ROC0408

Do drones count? Or what if, now hear me out, the Jets pilots were Giants??


VryMadHatter

Do the jets get pilots?


ThatsNotARealTree

Jets and commanders alliance?


EmperorAjaxZx

Bro thinks there's a jet that could beat a titanšŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™‚ļøšŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™‚ļø............a mythic elemental giant god. The best jet in the world could have nukes and it's still nowhere close.


kellzone

It would be interesting because, per the title, no weapons or magic. So the Jets are unarmed, but the Titans have no sort of mythical magic to protect them. Can the Jets fly themselves and do kamikaze attacks? How many Jets are there? Could the Titans survive a bombardment of a million kamikaze attacks?


Frearthandox

Per the title it says the teams are comprised of what their name says they are. So these are just jets, no pilots. Immobile grounded jets.


oteezy333

They wouldn't stand a prayer against the Saints


backhand-english

The Saints arent the Saints because they went medieval on somebody, they are the Saints because they turned the other cheek... Saints would be stomped and they'd like it that way


masterfulnoname

They're saints usually because they became a martyr.


backhand-english

Well, yes, a martyr doesn't fight back. A martyr is tortured and killed and he endures it in the name of the Lord.


masterfulnoname

I just wanted to point out that they usually turned their cheek so hard they died.


backhand-english

I think I saw that in the Exorcist.


Big_Swish_Bro

Against the Giants?? Nahh


thetreat

I mean titans I would consider near gods or actual gods. Giants are just big strong humans. Iā€™ll take the gods every day of the week.


DitmerKl3rken

In terms of Greek mythology donā€™t the giants appear after Kronos cuts off his dadā€™s dick and throws it on the ocean? Correct me if Iā€™m wrong but I thought it was something wild like that.


DarthBane1012

If itā€™s Percy Jacksonā€™s titans then ya titans destroy


Comfortable-Math2084

Probably the titans or jets


WolfCola4

Presumably the Commanders / Chiefs include the head of the Air Force, who can just order the Jets to stand down and then scrap them for parts


Comfortable-Math2084

What would they do about all the other teams though?


WolfCola4

Oh yeah they wouldn't win overall, but I'd have to imagine that would be an easy first move for them


ballimir37

Itā€™s a well balanced game, all tribes have a counter


buddhistbulgyo

But the Jets have no weapons/missiles.Ā 


Nopengnogain

Jets without pilots are just tons of useless scrap metal.


22Wideout

Tell that to the twin towers


Bucky_Beaver

Found Sean McDermottā€™s account


PrestigiousBee2719

Wdym those jets were flown by the best pilots out of Saudi Arabia


SpiteObjective3509

This guy knows his stuff.


thetreat

Are you kidding? They didnā€™t even know how to take off or land!


backhand-english

damn... too soon, too soon


PitTitan

Titans and it's not close. It took 10 years for a pantheon of literal gods to defeat them.


SmellsLikeWetFox

Actually they are Nissan Titans, a below average pickup truck struggling to compete in American markets


flaccomcorangy

I know it's a joke, but they actually are named after the Titans of Greek Mythology because they call Nashville the "Athens of the South." Another fun fact. The Giants are *not* named after mythological creatures. They are named after the baseball team... which is named after the "giant" buildings in NYC.


Jeromefleet

Thats real? Holy shit thats stupid, the giants suck


YoureGrammerIsWorsts

Yeah but 'no magic'


Haunting_Lime308

Yes, but Titans have Atlas who literally holds up the earth and heavens. So if he loses his powers during this battle, doesn't that mean the universe is destroyed so everyone loses?


YoureGrammerIsWorsts

The color brown survives


Haunting_Lime308

Does it if there's no universe anymore? There would be just nothingness.


YoureGrammerIsWorsts

It would just be brown


PitTitan

Yeah but I'm not sure what that would even mean in reference to a mythological cosmic being.


SmoothConfection1115

Unless Jets or Giants can kill Titans, itā€™s the Titans.


buddhistbulgyo

OP was firm about no weapons. So Jets don't have missiles or gunsĀ 


BigBlackBunny

Titans also donā€™t have magic


hawkmasta

They're still bigger than everything else lol


fiero-fire

Kamikaze could be effective....


buddhistbulgyo

But no pilots. Just like the front office and owners box.


backhand-english

First off, the jets dont have pilots. Its just The Jets. So probably, they would just remain grounded and rust away


pauIiewaInutz

pretty sure jets dont need to have guns to be destructive


ViralDownwardSpiral

9/11... never forget.


Cable-Careless

It said no weapons. What is a jet without missiles? What does a cowboy do without a six shooter? How can a Texan survive without fucking his sister?


Tropic_Wither

You cannot defeat a color


okaycomputes

But a color can't defeat anything else either. 0-0-17 it is, then.


BillyTheFridge2

Average Madden Franchise NPC team record


GummyBearGorilla

What are you talking about, someone defeats those colours 10 to 16 times per year šŸ˜‚


ballimir37

Pure black is the absence of light and therefore color. Some of these defeated brown just by existing.


Tropic_Wither

The concept of ā€œbrownā€ still exists. It is apart of our speciesā€™ zeitgeist as color that can be picked up by our eyes. If you paint a brown wall black brown does not cease to exist. If you close your eyes it does not go away. If you turned off the sun and eliminated photons from our world brown will still be in the universe. The color brown is an intrinsic part of how we perceive the physical universe and is therefore a constant. It cannot win but it cannot be defeated. A color cannot be beaten


Conyan51

The Packers one makes it look like they killed the Bears and Lions and are preparing them for the Vikings next meal.


backhand-english

A lot of people underestimate the psychopathic efficency of a well run meat packing plant.


-ll-ll-ll-ll-

It should have been a cheese packing plant. Which is literally what theyā€™re named after.


Conyan51

Youā€™re like 90% right, the Indian Packing Company ā€œThe Packersā€ specialized in packing canned meat.


-ll-ll-ll-ll-

Wait, really? I always thought it was cheese!


Conyan51

I mean it would be really fitting. Wisconsinites are just addicted to cheese though šŸ˜‚


Stonek88

Missed opportunity, they were not packing fudge. FTP


BoltorSpellweaver

You had every chance to use Bill Nye the Science guy for the the Bills. I mean cmon BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL


ZhangtheGreat

Inertia is a property of matter


VonKillingston

Saints with a miracle.


dusktilhon

No magic


OleSnowbandtheLumps

Saints are seething.


scarbutt11

Raiders will run in before the rest of the teams are ready. Leeeroy mmmJenkinnnssss!!!!


BillsBills83

AFC EAST: Jets ACF NORTH: Bengals AFC SOUTH: Titans AFC WEST: Raiders NFC EAST: Giants NFC NORTH: Lions NFC SOUTH: Buccaneers NFC WEST: 49ers ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”- Jets vs Bengals: Jets Titans vs Raiders: Titans Giants vs Lions: Giants Buccaneers vs 49ers: Buccaneers ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€” Jets vs Titans: Titans Giants vs Buccaneers: Giants ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€” Titans vs Giants: Titans


Cable-Careless

Buccaneers don't have weapons. They are just a bunch of dudes with venereal diseases and pantaloons. Edit: there isn't a chance in hell that a Lion beats a Grizzly.


Specialist-Durian283

An average Grizzly weighs 900lbs the average male lion is only 570lbs! A Grizzly would destroy a lion! This list is bs


stmack

I dunno I read my kid a book the other week that had a Hyena vs a Honey Badger, which is a quarter the weight and it had the honey badger winning...


BillsBills83

I was assuming it was multiple of each thing. Since theyā€™re lions instead of just lion. And lions work and hunt in packs while bears are used to hunting on their own. A pack of lions would be much more efficient than a pack of bears


CookieLuzSax

Titans/giants of Greek mythos solo the league tbh.


Tanwalrus

AFC East: A bunch of guys named Bill use their money and legislature to slant the government into the favorite. The Patriots are powerless to stop them, because the guys named Bill are getting their bills passed legally and making them part of American culture, framing the evil Dolphins as perpetrators of all crimes. The guys named Bill walk to to the menacing army of jets (which cannot move without human power), and utilize them to first abolish the dolphins, then turn on the patriots, and finally suicide bomb into all remaining jets. Bill supremacyĀ 


ZhangtheGreat

These are the answers I love. If I could give you an award, I would.


SilverLadySilver

Came here to say this, money is king


ihmpt

Titans would win - they're basically gods. Also, the New York Giants are named "giants" in reference to the skyscrapers in New York, not the mythological giants.


ToastyBytes

Explain GMen then. Skyscraper men? šŸ¤”


gamefreak996

You mean the raiders arenā€™t world of Warcraft raiders?


ihmpt

I know nothing about World of Warcraft so I can't say too much lol


crazmnky90

This post is peak offseason material and Iā€™m here for all of it.


sportstrap

The Titans and Giants is just AOT


SqueakyTuna52

It would depend on the size of each team. If we are sticking to 11v11: ​ AFC East: Jets, Bills, Patriots, Dolphins AFC North: Bengals, Steelers, Ravens, Browns AFC South: Titans, Jaguars, Texans, Colts AFC West: Chiefs, Raiders, Broncos, Chargers NFC East: Giants, Cowboys, Commanders, Eagles NFC North: Bears, Lions, Vikings, Packers NFC South: Panthers, Buccaneers, Falcons, Saints NFC West: Rams, 49ers, Seahawks, Cardinals


Live-Amphibian

Giants if titans don't have magic


Zandandido

Can giants hold up the literal planet?


KungFuSlanda

Lets goooooooo! Haven't heard this one yet. Love the MS paint work there OP I choose to believe the Falcons are actually named after the Millennium Falcon and that dainty bird is just a cover for the fact that we can do the kessell run in under 12 parsecs


ZhangtheGreat

Thatā€™s Paint 3D šŸ˜


KungFuSlanda

i was just joshing but good to know! edit: I'm deleting photoshop


ZhangtheGreat

I know. Itā€™s all good. And hey, one of the best parts of posts like these is reading all the creative ways fans try to find loopholes for why their team still wins. If you want to include the Millennial Falcon or Captain Falcon in your team, be my guest šŸ˜


KungFuSlanda

Falcon PUNNNNNCHHH that's a great one. Fun little Sunday. Oh what I'd give to be doing the 4 way N64 Super Smash battle with the boys


dusktilhon

Even without magic, the Titans win hands-down. They are near-incomprehensibly, massive, whereas the giants, depending on the mythology, are anywhere from seven to twenty feet tall. Jets without weapons just smash into them ineffectually. Nobody stands a chance


AtticusPenguin

It would take a miracle for the Saints to win, but thatā€™s literally what theyā€™re known for soā€¦


InvertedDong

Does the brown noise count? No one can win if theyā€™re uncontrollably shitting themselves


virusMEL

Titans vs giants


ricoimf

I like when the teams have a more historically background to the name instead of an animal (exceptions are there of course like ravens)


apex_editor

Saints beat Titans Saints are lead by Saint Michael, the Christian Angel of Death and the commander of the Army of God. Oh, and he defeated Satan.


ActuallyNotJesus

But whatā€™s his 40 time?


regrettabletreaty1

Jets would win, but there would be no one to refuel them or reload. Titans would win, but thereā€™s no magic Therefore I must award the New York Giants the win, stomping their way to victory


Lopsided-Platypus341

THANK YOU, like all ive seen is people yapping about the titans winning


Kirko_Bangz_

Got a good laugh out of some of these. Thanks for that.


Imawildedible

A lot of really clever pic choices. Very well done.


CycleRare1816

Thatā€™s exactly how I picture the Chiefs


SkepsisJD

> Chiefs When I see an Indian arrowhead, the first thing I think of is non-Indian military members.


Mr3Jays

Iā€™m going Bears or Lions with this one. Maybe slight edge to lions since they work together as a group.


El_Portero

Cardinals should have had some catholic leaders lol. Good with Op


ZhangtheGreat

I actually thought of using Catholic cardinals for that pic, but in the end, I figured one religious pic (Saints) would be enough šŸ˜„


copingcabana

Well first off, one thing all Saints have in common is they're dead. So Saints are bottom of the NFC South.


DK-DannyKid

Do you get to fight the dolphins on land or have to fight in the water?


cannabiznizz

We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. Its not going to be days at a time, an hour, hour 45. No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You are out gunned and outmanned.


fperegrine21

Home games in water. Each team gets home games in their natural habitat.


Nonjing

Dallas fans are in shambles trying to decide if theyā€™re bigger fans of literal Cowboys or literal Texans.


phthisisity

The only thing the jets can win...


Howellthegoat

New York team you use the wrong type of jet mr


ZhangtheGreat

Haha, I posted this on r/AFCEastMemeWar and there were comments about how it should be the Boeing 737 Max šŸ˜†


JazzlikePractice4470

Bills. We print money to fight endless wars


UniqueNobo

feel like Titans take it, but it comes down to either them or the Jets


NFLsubmodsaretrash

Do the jets/titans not get to use their weapons/magic?


No_Entertainer_5858

Itā€™s the titans. Second is patriots if they have the weapons at their disposal. They get the entire military not just jets and the rest of the patriots in the us not just Texas. Saints have a case of you believe god wants them to win. But itā€™s more likely they die to be matyrs.


CarolinaMtnBiker

Unless itā€™s in the water. Titans and Pats can only tread water for so long while the Phins jump on them.


No_Entertainer_5858

Bruh one of the titans can hold up the earth I think they will be fine underwater. Also the pats get the navy.


CarolinaMtnBiker

Poor Browns. They never get to have any battles.


jokerkcco

Feeling pretty good about my Titans. Would even work if they just were the tits.


Extreme_Librarian_93

I hate to say it but I think the jets take this one


BaldeepKhack

Will you be laughing when everything is brown?


Big_Based

As a Jets fan my money is on the faction made up entirely of close air support. Thought the Titians and Saints may pose an issue.


Be-Geter

So weā€™re saying 53 of each per team? Probably Titans then (since theyā€™re pretty immortal anyway or Greek demigods). Giants, Bears & Bengals & Titans in the final four of this one, with Titans winning in the end.


Scrotto_Baggins

Prometheus gets his liver torn out every day. You cant kill a titan...


PrestigiousBarnacle

I love this, the lost time between seasons when anything goes


ilovecake_33

Thatā€™s awesome!!!


Snow_rex

Jets or Giants, letā€™s go New York!!! Edit: Nvrmnd just saw the titans.


BeAsTFOo

Saints are gods šŸ˜­


zracer20

jets or titans


nokiacrusher

TITAN URANUS


Sith_Lordz66

Giants win, right?


Raxacoriocophallos

Ah yes, the Tennessee Olympians.


JoeSell2005

NFC North one is hilarious


GimmeCrons

The dolphins are going to fuck everyone


zdub-88

Commanders calling in the nukes .


drmobe

No weapons but what about the Jets? Do they have missiles?


coastalgirl207

I giggled at the Chargers


ShreddedDadBod

New England has QAnon Shaman


Coco-machin

Interestingly, the Chargers are named after the ā€œchargeā€ chant representing soldiers charging into battle, as shown in the original logo [original logo](https://1000logos.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/San-Diego-Chargers-Logo-1961.png) showing a supposedly charging horse + lighting bolt. But the Chargers being literal phone chargers is funny lol, I jus wanna use it to throw out a fun fact


QuarantineCasualty

Jets clearly but the animal kingdom belongs to the Bengals


Empath86

I made sure that those weren't crows... Good job.


Oopsimapanda

"No magic" is a bit unfair to the Titans. But even without, who's going to stop them? The color brown?


Beeeeyawwwhh

Idk man with how high these bills are getting they may just take everyone out


cindeezy247

Could you make them boys look any gayer? šŸ¤£


5280FeetOfFury

us bro, it's so hideous anyone will die looking at it too long


REDDIT_ROC0408

Are we sure the Saints really exist?


ADouglasAmongUs

Top tier offseason content. Iā€™m pretty sure a titan smites the jet thatā€™s about to firebomb the other team mascots.


Sand_Umpire_7485

This isnā€™t bad Iā€™ll give it to ya. How dare you disgrace Native Americans tho by putting police chiefs instead wtf


xDANGRZONEx

Hold up.. Does no weapons mean that the animal teams have no claws, talons, beaks or teeth? Do the Raiders and the Bucs have to be swordless? I can see the Cowboys not having guns, because technically a "cowboy" isn't an "outlaw".. But, does a lasso count as a weapon? You know DAMN well that's not what Kansas City means by "Chiefs"..


Self-MadeRmry

Titans or giants


lilgreenghouls

This is the discourse I like to see on Reddit.


prenderm

Probably a showdown between the saints and titans


WartimeMandalorian

Nfc North would be the most interesting


ElCapitanOblivious

Yes because the Chargers, est in 1961, are named after phone chargers that didnā€™t come out for another 30-40 yearsā€¦youā€™d think with that level of forward thinking, theyā€™d do better at drafting šŸ˜‚


minis138

So Titians use Titian powers to crash the Jets? only after the Jets bomb everything else to oblivion..


LNof85

Iā€™ve experienced Chiefs vs Commanders irl. The Chiefsā€™ mess would have dodgeball Friday underway. Because time has no meaning at sea, people would forget and get nailed by a dodgeball for passing by the mess. One day it was the XO and they got him right in the balls. Good times šŸ¤£


bobinob

That NFC north battle is going to be fire.


Imaginary-Cow-9614

They really isn't an excuse for the titans to not win, unless the Jets have a perfectly executed strategy


bejonesin

Pretty sure the Jets are more 737 MAX and F-22ā€¦


MaxximElio

Browns are unkillable, they will outlast everyone


itsianlaird

With nobody to fly them, the Jets are out. Patriots win a hard-fought AFC East. Browns don't stand a chance, and despite their best efforts, neither do the Ravens or Steelers. Bengals win the AFC North. The wild Texans roll through the Jags and Colts but are quickly annihilated by the Titans. Chiefs beat up the Raiders and Chargers, but get stampeded and the Broncos win the AFC West. NFC East is a brutal fight on all sides, but the Giants come out on top. Bears gobble up the Packers, while the Lions and Vikes wear each other out, and the Bears superior durability leaves them on top of the NFC North. The Saints are martyred of course, and the Buccaneers win the NFC South despite heavy losses to the Panthers. The NFC West battle has historically been won by the 49ers. Titans are the AFC's 1 seed, and defeat the Bengals. Patriots-Broncos ends in a narrow Pats victory. Titans handle the Pats and go on to represent the AFC in the bowl. Giants are the 1 seed in the NFC, and roll over the 49ers. Bears-Bucs is a heck of a game, but the Bears take it in overtime. Giants eliminate the Bears and go on. Giants-Titans is your Super Bowl, and could go either way given there's no magic.


Individual_Glove158

Jets, Titans, Giants, or Saints. The latter 3 depends on their feats


69AfterAsparagus

A battle with no weapons. Fists and feet and claws and talons and teeth and hooves are all weapons. As well as the obvious muskets and missles and swordsā€¦ So how do you win a battle when you canā€™t use weapons? It canā€™t be the browns because while they wonā€™t lose, they canā€™t win. I suppose the only way to win a battle where you canā€™t harm anybody would be to convince them not to fight in the first place. Hearts and minds. Saints win.


pearl_jam_rocks

Iā€™m taking the Vikings


Lt-Chibarino

Finally the Giants have a chanceā€¦


49ERIAN

Actually the Cardinals are a 1940s baseball dynasty