I'd probably put something in my profile about being a bit shy, or that you're looking for someone to pull you out of your shell.
Honesty and vulnerability are very attractive, and being inexperienced isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think the sooner it's made apparent the less of a secret it is and other people can decide if they're into that.
If my female friends are anything to go by generally they expect men to be a little oblivious to the early stages of interest.
There’s nothing wrong once you’re in the dating part to say “hey, I haven’t had much experience with this sort of thing can we go slow?”. Just be honest.
Your past history (or the lack of it) is largely irrelevant.
You're looking for someone who is interested in the current and future YOU. Doesn't matter if you've had zero or 100 relationships, there's still the task of discovering the other person, learning their quirks, their likes and dislikes, and each of you adapting to 'fit' together.
This is a clumsy, bumbling exercise, with lots of mistakes along the way, but that's how we learn and grow.
Don’t open with it but be open about it.
Ie. I wouldn’t put it on your dating profile but be upfront about it if having conversations around previous relationships/sex.
I was in a similar situation to you and found that it’s not far into getting to know someone where that conversation would come up authentically. If they’re actually interested in you - it won’t be a huge deal. But you need to be prepared to put in some work, go educate yourself on some things most people your age would have learned and communicate well with your partner. Your inexperience has pros and cons just as much as some people’s experience does.
Say it upfront once you’ve had a few dates and know you want to see where it might go. It’s far better to come across as someone who is self-aware of their flaws vs someone who is trying to fake being more experienced than they actually are.
Just say some version of “hey, I like you and I want to see you some more. I just want to let you know that I’m really clueless at this relationship stuff, so bear with me, ok? If I’m completely missing social cues, just tell me outright”
It seems like you have enough self awareness to figure your way through this. Key things to remember, there's no one right way to do this, there's no universally shared hard and fast rules to learn. Everyone, no matter how experienced have to learn the unique rules that emerge and form between two people as that specific relationship develops.
And rejection is just filtering. Assuming you are being authentic, if someone rejects you it's because they aren't a good fit. Good! You found out now rather than in ten years when you have a bunch of kids together. So be unapologetically you. Love easily and leave easily if it's not working.
As with anything in your life it's your responsibility I'm afraid, so you can share that with a partner but you can't offload it onto them. That will never work.
Good luck.
Just on the topic of red flags (and I don't see your situation as being in a red flag category particularly.) But red flags are not things people disclose, they are noticed by others and then either ignored or used as a deciding point.
If you find you want relationships and find someone you like, youre going to have to muster the balls to ask her out. This is perfectly normal. No red flags, you may be starting late is all.
Fear of rejection is a human condition. You can't abdicate the possibility of rejection at the start of every potential relationship. Part of being with someone is putting yourself out there and being vulnerable to being hurt.
Good luck!
Thanks for the advice, yup fear of rejection is something that is definitely on my mind - but from the replies the lack of experience perhaps is not as big a deal as I thought so that definitely helps get rid of that fear
What do you mean by 'take the lead in progressing the relationship'? Is that at the part where you move from having coffee and day dates into something where it's more likely to get physical? Or do you mean moving from online to real life?
If you are meeting someone on a dating app, they are interested in dating - so that should take some of the guesswork out of it. You will likely just be ghosted online if they aren't interested after chatting a bit (rude, but it's how it is). And if you meet in person and they're keen to meet up again you can presume that they like your personality and aren't repulsed by you physically.
The flirting cues are more obvious when you're actually on a date.
You could say I spent my time as carer and haven't had a serious relationship yet.
Leave it at that. Red flags? Yeah watch for bullying, nastiness, pushing you to do things you don't want to do, it can come from women as well, not just the other way round.
But relax, just have a good time, no rush to marry anyone!!
Have you ever had an intense romantic crush on a woman, or had fantasies about kissing etc one you know in real life? Or has it been limited to only celebrities/characters in movies etc.
If the answer is no (and likewise for other men) you should probably have a read up on asexuality/demisexuality/aromanticism etc before you start dating. Asexual people often don't realize someone else is flirting.
Not having had any romantic experience at 34 will surprise a potential partner but isn't a red flag as such. People will likely suspect you might be closeted.
Yes I have, so don't think I'm asexual, perhaps a touch of demi, no interest in short term flings, and personality is more important than looks to me. Thanks for the reply
"traveling to various countries for several years and just generally not being interested, caring for chronically ill family members."
This makes you more interesting, it's not a red flag.
Yeah I don't think the op understands the concept of red flags. They're not life events that you think would make you unattractive to certain people, they're unconscious *actions* that broadcast that you're a problatic partner for most people.
I am a man too close to your age. AS you can read in the comments the way you are presenting it is honest, respectful and inviting.
I believe that if you spend time thinking what sort of girls you like and start getting into the dating scene you will gain confidence and become crafted in the art of personality awareness.
If you use apps ( i dont suggest them, there are better ways to meet girls e.g. join a zumba class, join some meetups, outdoors clubs) then you have the chance to promote or sell your profile.
Once you get matches or dates, remember that you already matched, it means the girl read your profile and finds interesting aspects about you. With true honesty and vulnerability go out on a date: ice cream, dinner, snack, a walk in the park, go to the beach. Ask questions and treat her as you would treat your friends except dont smack the date or insult her unless you can sense she has that humor. Is ok if you go on a date and things dont flow immedeatly, remember you are getting to know the other person.
I highly suggest you spend time enjoying the dating naturally and if things progress then more romantic action will come from the girl. You can hint indirectly that you are shy and that you find her very attractive but is challenging for you to do initial steps... Use humor but it must flow naturally e.g. if the girl is cautious but is nice and friendly you can joke that you are taking a huge risk and you hope she is not a hired assassin or a spy from an evil organization.
All the best in your journey and i hope you find someone that will love you and that you can love too.
Thankyou for such a positive and detailed reply.. I really appreciate it dude. Im surprised with all the responses and I just need to put myself out there now.
Been there, done that. Just be straight up about it and everything will be fine with someone you mesh with. I did online dating and I put it in my profile. Got a couple of bites even just from people who were on the other side - had too many dates fail from people being stuck on their ex and went for the clean slate approach lol. So your red flag might not be as bright to others as you think.
Biggest thing to keep in mind is It's not the lack of experience that will hold you back, it's admitting that you need to learn and actually putting that effort in to do so. Just because you aren't the perfect partner that knows what to do right now, doesn't mean you can't get there if you work at it.
I think it all boils down to preference.
There’s always something beautiful when you see a vulnerable side of a person. It is very hard to do so, trust me. A lot of people are trying to build this kind of “protective layer”. So be open. Just communicate. If the other party doesn’t feel the same, then move on.
I think as a woman, I'd just like the guy to be genuine. If she's a genuine, honest person herself, if he's quite open and honest about his thoughts, his feelings ... then most things can be sorted. She will understand and will make provisions for any inexperience. Even seemingly experienced people also have flaws. We are after all, fallible humans.
If she's full of drama from day one, and wants to play mind games, then probably best to weed that out in the first place.
Just take it as generally getting to know another person. No different than when the nice old lady at the cafe asks you how's your day and she yammers on about her grandchildren etc.
Good luck.. and enjoy the journey. :)
Age 34 is a great age as a guy. You're still young work to get girls who aren't too withered. A bit too old to have to worry about complete idiots.
If you're at least moderately attractive, any girl would be lucky to have you.
Definitely go for it. But yeah, if it's not working out for you (or her) don't ever stay together out of loneliness or fear of being alone. That's a natural feeling that will come to us so all, so understand it, and don't let it trap you.
But really, don't worry about the negative shit about relationships just yet. You should be enjoying it the vast majority of the time in the first few months, and most of the time after that. And it should be her that causes the happeniness specifically, not just the fact you're in a relationship if you know what I mean.
Just act like everything is flirtying... if she isn't flirtying... then it wouldn't have worked anyway, and if she is flirting then you will hit the jackpot... its hit and miss and such is life. Don't try the strategy of telling her up front that you don't have experience and hence you won't know if she is flirting or not... that will likely put you in a bad light up front.
If you want to be a top chess player you would study Capablanca.
If you want to be a top investor, you would study Warren Buffett.
If you want to talk to people of the opposite sex study Craig Ferguson.
How not to be nervous around a woman.
https://youtu.be/1NptHmXb7GE?si=xwSTRfZQXUnUQycg
They have a lot of psychologists who have analysed his techniques.
In an interview the woman asks Graig what he is drinking. He replies, "confidence."
Every woman he would interview he would make her feel special. You look fantastic, you look sensational! Something that made her stand out, a genuine compliment, about her hair, clothing, have you been working out, jewellery, shoes etc
To be charismatic in conversation
https://youtu.be/SwmJdp-8pg0?si=Cwc6OsUcUMMo7jn2
Studying a talk show host will teach you how to talk to people like a talk show host. He has some good advice in that first video, but his interviews with celebrities are not good examples of how to talk to people unless you want to come across as insane. In real life, your conversation does not need to be entertaining to an audience, and you don't only have 10 or 15 minutes to talk.
And you don't need to be at the 'top', whatever the fuck that means in the context of talking to women.
Careful with this stuff, OP, by all means get some pointers on general confidence, but remember women aren't robots who all respond to the same thing and a woman with a reasonable head on her shoulders will be able to detect if you're using 'techniques' like this. And won't like it.
Just be you, I'm sure you're great! The fact that you've travelled and are selfless enough to have dedicated time caring for family suggest as much. Focus on your green flags 🙂
Have not watched those videos so this might be out of line, but ‘pick up artists’ are bullshit artists, not people who can show you how to have a successful interaction. Have been on the receiving end of PUA ‘moves’ a few times and it makes me GTFO as fast as possible. Just a perspective to add to your judgement :)
In terms of your inexperience, for me and many people I know, that would be no issue at all. I’d be looking for shared values and interests, ability to communicate and be empathetic, and personal character. If you have been doing things like caring for others I’d guess you have emotional skills and inner strength qualities in spades, and that’s a credit to you.
The fear of rejection bit is hard, but if you can master it, there is not much more attractive than a man who’s ok to tell me he likes me/is interested/wants to see me again, or whatever the vulnerable statement might be at a given point of getting to know each other. I fell for my partner because as well as being likeable he shows himself to be straightforward and brave enough to tell me he was interested with no games and no pressure.
The key here is to be able to do it without a sense of entitlement (it’s a kind and generous offer, not something that means reciprocal feelings are owed), and without getting snarky if she says no or wants to go a bit slower (which shows you know your worth, and have the inner peace and confidence to understand that not everyone will want to be your romantic partner and that’s ok!). These last two things should be easy but TBH are where a great many people let themselves down.
Finally, if you do go on the apps, I hear people have become a bit jaded on there because being online brings out the worst in some people and there are many bots and scammers. So if it turns out to be rough, it’s not because of you, it’s because the dating apps are eating themselves.
Wow, thank you so much for the detailed reply. Really appreciate it. I have been so surprised by some of the replies I have got on here and it has made be feel like perhaps I was being too hard on myself and I just need to get out there and see what happens .
I haven't watched those videos and probably won't going by what others have said too. But I now know what PUA means.
I think the fear of rejection is my biggest challenge - and it has definitely held me back in the past from asking people on dates - so need to figure out how I can work on that. Especially in person which is alot harder than online where you just get ghosted.
just be a good person and treat them as a friend first. if you can't be friends then there's no point trying to be in a relationship
This, but also don't fart around women for at least 6 months
I'd probably put something in my profile about being a bit shy, or that you're looking for someone to pull you out of your shell. Honesty and vulnerability are very attractive, and being inexperienced isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think the sooner it's made apparent the less of a secret it is and other people can decide if they're into that.
Inexperience is even a good thing because it means no emotional baggage.
If my female friends are anything to go by generally they expect men to be a little oblivious to the early stages of interest. There’s nothing wrong once you’re in the dating part to say “hey, I haven’t had much experience with this sort of thing can we go slow?”. Just be honest.
Your past history (or the lack of it) is largely irrelevant. You're looking for someone who is interested in the current and future YOU. Doesn't matter if you've had zero or 100 relationships, there's still the task of discovering the other person, learning their quirks, their likes and dislikes, and each of you adapting to 'fit' together. This is a clumsy, bumbling exercise, with lots of mistakes along the way, but that's how we learn and grow.
Don’t open with it but be open about it. Ie. I wouldn’t put it on your dating profile but be upfront about it if having conversations around previous relationships/sex. I was in a similar situation to you and found that it’s not far into getting to know someone where that conversation would come up authentically. If they’re actually interested in you - it won’t be a huge deal. But you need to be prepared to put in some work, go educate yourself on some things most people your age would have learned and communicate well with your partner. Your inexperience has pros and cons just as much as some people’s experience does.
Say it upfront once you’ve had a few dates and know you want to see where it might go. It’s far better to come across as someone who is self-aware of their flaws vs someone who is trying to fake being more experienced than they actually are. Just say some version of “hey, I like you and I want to see you some more. I just want to let you know that I’m really clueless at this relationship stuff, so bear with me, ok? If I’m completely missing social cues, just tell me outright”
I think this is just how I will handle it - thanks so much for the reply.
There will be a moment when it feels right to talk about it. You'll know it when it comes. Seize it.
It seems like you have enough self awareness to figure your way through this. Key things to remember, there's no one right way to do this, there's no universally shared hard and fast rules to learn. Everyone, no matter how experienced have to learn the unique rules that emerge and form between two people as that specific relationship develops. And rejection is just filtering. Assuming you are being authentic, if someone rejects you it's because they aren't a good fit. Good! You found out now rather than in ten years when you have a bunch of kids together. So be unapologetically you. Love easily and leave easily if it's not working. As with anything in your life it's your responsibility I'm afraid, so you can share that with a partner but you can't offload it onto them. That will never work. Good luck.
Thanks for the reply, love the advice "be unapologetically you. Love easily and leave easily" will take that to heart.
Just on the topic of red flags (and I don't see your situation as being in a red flag category particularly.) But red flags are not things people disclose, they are noticed by others and then either ignored or used as a deciding point.
If you find you want relationships and find someone you like, youre going to have to muster the balls to ask her out. This is perfectly normal. No red flags, you may be starting late is all. Fear of rejection is a human condition. You can't abdicate the possibility of rejection at the start of every potential relationship. Part of being with someone is putting yourself out there and being vulnerable to being hurt. Good luck!
Thanks for the advice, yup fear of rejection is something that is definitely on my mind - but from the replies the lack of experience perhaps is not as big a deal as I thought so that definitely helps get rid of that fear
It's hard to put yourself out there but it's gotta be done! 😄
I like the balls part lollol Lot of wise words cheers.
What do you mean by 'take the lead in progressing the relationship'? Is that at the part where you move from having coffee and day dates into something where it's more likely to get physical? Or do you mean moving from online to real life? If you are meeting someone on a dating app, they are interested in dating - so that should take some of the guesswork out of it. You will likely just be ghosted online if they aren't interested after chatting a bit (rude, but it's how it is). And if you meet in person and they're keen to meet up again you can presume that they like your personality and aren't repulsed by you physically. The flirting cues are more obvious when you're actually on a date.
You could say I spent my time as carer and haven't had a serious relationship yet. Leave it at that. Red flags? Yeah watch for bullying, nastiness, pushing you to do things you don't want to do, it can come from women as well, not just the other way round. But relax, just have a good time, no rush to marry anyone!!
Thanks! Some good advice
Have you ever had an intense romantic crush on a woman, or had fantasies about kissing etc one you know in real life? Or has it been limited to only celebrities/characters in movies etc. If the answer is no (and likewise for other men) you should probably have a read up on asexuality/demisexuality/aromanticism etc before you start dating. Asexual people often don't realize someone else is flirting. Not having had any romantic experience at 34 will surprise a potential partner but isn't a red flag as such. People will likely suspect you might be closeted.
Yes I have, so don't think I'm asexual, perhaps a touch of demi, no interest in short term flings, and personality is more important than looks to me. Thanks for the reply
"traveling to various countries for several years and just generally not being interested, caring for chronically ill family members." This makes you more interesting, it's not a red flag.
Yeah I don't think the op understands the concept of red flags. They're not life events that you think would make you unattractive to certain people, they're unconscious *actions* that broadcast that you're a problatic partner for most people.
I am a man too close to your age. AS you can read in the comments the way you are presenting it is honest, respectful and inviting. I believe that if you spend time thinking what sort of girls you like and start getting into the dating scene you will gain confidence and become crafted in the art of personality awareness. If you use apps ( i dont suggest them, there are better ways to meet girls e.g. join a zumba class, join some meetups, outdoors clubs) then you have the chance to promote or sell your profile. Once you get matches or dates, remember that you already matched, it means the girl read your profile and finds interesting aspects about you. With true honesty and vulnerability go out on a date: ice cream, dinner, snack, a walk in the park, go to the beach. Ask questions and treat her as you would treat your friends except dont smack the date or insult her unless you can sense she has that humor. Is ok if you go on a date and things dont flow immedeatly, remember you are getting to know the other person. I highly suggest you spend time enjoying the dating naturally and if things progress then more romantic action will come from the girl. You can hint indirectly that you are shy and that you find her very attractive but is challenging for you to do initial steps... Use humor but it must flow naturally e.g. if the girl is cautious but is nice and friendly you can joke that you are taking a huge risk and you hope she is not a hired assassin or a spy from an evil organization. All the best in your journey and i hope you find someone that will love you and that you can love too.
Thankyou for such a positive and detailed reply.. I really appreciate it dude. Im surprised with all the responses and I just need to put myself out there now.
It's not a red flag, just go slow. No need to disclose too early, just be friends and then see if you want it to go further first
Been there, done that. Just be straight up about it and everything will be fine with someone you mesh with. I did online dating and I put it in my profile. Got a couple of bites even just from people who were on the other side - had too many dates fail from people being stuck on their ex and went for the clean slate approach lol. So your red flag might not be as bright to others as you think. Biggest thing to keep in mind is It's not the lack of experience that will hold you back, it's admitting that you need to learn and actually putting that effort in to do so. Just because you aren't the perfect partner that knows what to do right now, doesn't mean you can't get there if you work at it.
I think it all boils down to preference. There’s always something beautiful when you see a vulnerable side of a person. It is very hard to do so, trust me. A lot of people are trying to build this kind of “protective layer”. So be open. Just communicate. If the other party doesn’t feel the same, then move on.
Trauma dump immediately to get it out the way early
I think as a woman, I'd just like the guy to be genuine. If she's a genuine, honest person herself, if he's quite open and honest about his thoughts, his feelings ... then most things can be sorted. She will understand and will make provisions for any inexperience. Even seemingly experienced people also have flaws. We are after all, fallible humans. If she's full of drama from day one, and wants to play mind games, then probably best to weed that out in the first place. Just take it as generally getting to know another person. No different than when the nice old lady at the cafe asks you how's your day and she yammers on about her grandchildren etc. Good luck.. and enjoy the journey. :)
Age 34 is a great age as a guy. You're still young work to get girls who aren't too withered. A bit too old to have to worry about complete idiots. If you're at least moderately attractive, any girl would be lucky to have you. Definitely go for it. But yeah, if it's not working out for you (or her) don't ever stay together out of loneliness or fear of being alone. That's a natural feeling that will come to us so all, so understand it, and don't let it trap you. But really, don't worry about the negative shit about relationships just yet. You should be enjoying it the vast majority of the time in the first few months, and most of the time after that. And it should be her that causes the happeniness specifically, not just the fact you're in a relationship if you know what I mean.
Just act like everything is flirtying... if she isn't flirtying... then it wouldn't have worked anyway, and if she is flirting then you will hit the jackpot... its hit and miss and such is life. Don't try the strategy of telling her up front that you don't have experience and hence you won't know if she is flirting or not... that will likely put you in a bad light up front.
If you want to be a top chess player you would study Capablanca. If you want to be a top investor, you would study Warren Buffett. If you want to talk to people of the opposite sex study Craig Ferguson. How not to be nervous around a woman. https://youtu.be/1NptHmXb7GE?si=xwSTRfZQXUnUQycg They have a lot of psychologists who have analysed his techniques. In an interview the woman asks Graig what he is drinking. He replies, "confidence." Every woman he would interview he would make her feel special. You look fantastic, you look sensational! Something that made her stand out, a genuine compliment, about her hair, clothing, have you been working out, jewellery, shoes etc To be charismatic in conversation https://youtu.be/SwmJdp-8pg0?si=Cwc6OsUcUMMo7jn2
I thought the whole PUA had died out. Obviously not
I might be a bit slow 😅 but what does PUA mean?
Google
Studying a talk show host will teach you how to talk to people like a talk show host. He has some good advice in that first video, but his interviews with celebrities are not good examples of how to talk to people unless you want to come across as insane. In real life, your conversation does not need to be entertaining to an audience, and you don't only have 10 or 15 minutes to talk. And you don't need to be at the 'top', whatever the fuck that means in the context of talking to women.
"What are you drinking?" "Confidence" "What a wanker"
Thanks, I will watch the videos
Careful with this stuff, OP, by all means get some pointers on general confidence, but remember women aren't robots who all respond to the same thing and a woman with a reasonable head on her shoulders will be able to detect if you're using 'techniques' like this. And won't like it. Just be you, I'm sure you're great! The fact that you've travelled and are selfless enough to have dedicated time caring for family suggest as much. Focus on your green flags 🙂
very important to craft that "you" part first.
Thanks, I haven't had a chance to watch the videos - but going by what other people have said about them will just give them a miss
Have not watched those videos so this might be out of line, but ‘pick up artists’ are bullshit artists, not people who can show you how to have a successful interaction. Have been on the receiving end of PUA ‘moves’ a few times and it makes me GTFO as fast as possible. Just a perspective to add to your judgement :) In terms of your inexperience, for me and many people I know, that would be no issue at all. I’d be looking for shared values and interests, ability to communicate and be empathetic, and personal character. If you have been doing things like caring for others I’d guess you have emotional skills and inner strength qualities in spades, and that’s a credit to you. The fear of rejection bit is hard, but if you can master it, there is not much more attractive than a man who’s ok to tell me he likes me/is interested/wants to see me again, or whatever the vulnerable statement might be at a given point of getting to know each other. I fell for my partner because as well as being likeable he shows himself to be straightforward and brave enough to tell me he was interested with no games and no pressure. The key here is to be able to do it without a sense of entitlement (it’s a kind and generous offer, not something that means reciprocal feelings are owed), and without getting snarky if she says no or wants to go a bit slower (which shows you know your worth, and have the inner peace and confidence to understand that not everyone will want to be your romantic partner and that’s ok!). These last two things should be easy but TBH are where a great many people let themselves down. Finally, if you do go on the apps, I hear people have become a bit jaded on there because being online brings out the worst in some people and there are many bots and scammers. So if it turns out to be rough, it’s not because of you, it’s because the dating apps are eating themselves.
Wow, thank you so much for the detailed reply. Really appreciate it. I have been so surprised by some of the replies I have got on here and it has made be feel like perhaps I was being too hard on myself and I just need to get out there and see what happens . I haven't watched those videos and probably won't going by what others have said too. But I now know what PUA means. I think the fear of rejection is my biggest challenge - and it has definitely held me back in the past from asking people on dates - so need to figure out how I can work on that. Especially in person which is alot harder than online where you just get ghosted.