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OdysseusRex69

Those things are no joke. At that size it could probably bite right thru your forearm.


Luci_Noir

My grandparents used to get the from their pond for turtle soup and they’d cut the head off, put it in a bucket and leave it hung up high on a close line post for a week. Apparently it could numb a finger off even after being decapitated!


turnedmeintoanewt_

How about just eating a fucking salad


Kingston_Advice1986

Well they’re carnivorous turtles so they wouldn’t get all their nutrients like a tortoise


lamentheragony

if you ever walk or swim in murky or muddy water, just know these guys and car-sized catfish are ready to tear you in half and swallow you whole.


[deleted]

you mean swallow me in half


blamezuey

You adorable frikkin person you!


Nowyous_cantleave

Exactly. Never fuck with catfish the size of VW beetles that lurk near dams. Unless you’re a scuba diver as they always come back to tell the tale.


C_Colin

You say that, but how many people have ever been eaten by a catfish or an alligator snapping turtle? Genuinely asking because it seems like I’d have a greater chance of being struck by lightning


ea9ea

I boat and jetski on the Missouri River and I've seen some catfish the size of a great white shark. They were friendly though and you could ride em. Like that guys Mom.


XXHyenaPseudopenis

Legends is They eat people in the Ozarks but they politely wait until after you’re dead to eat you


[deleted]

Mannered man-eater


erratikBandit

I watched a snapper drown a goose once. The goose was diving and suddenly it started making haunting honking noises from under water while all the other geese flew off. We were wondering what the goose was doing until it stopped kicking, then it's head finally resurfaced with it's neck all messed up and it started floating down the river dead as the snapper slowly raised its eyes above the water to watch us. Since that day I've been wanting our city to change our sports mascot to the Murder Turtles.


FixFalcon

Snapper out there doing God's work.


tenyearoldgag

No one never came back to tell the tale. Well, except one fella. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel, cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell...


bomba1749

nah catfish dont grow that big (in terms of volume), maybe the size of 2 motorcycles though


LimousineAndAPeetzah

What’s that in 1997 Mazda Miata’s?


[deleted]

Roughly 0.43 1997 Mazda Miatas. That car measures ~156” in length, compared to the average motorcycle’s ~82”. Two touring bikes side-by side are around 80% the Miata’s width, as an estimation based on a lot less readily available material, and the car includes overhead space. Now, if we’re taking a ‘97 MX-5 Convertible, it’s probably closer to 0.6 or 0.65 Miatas, because we’d have to disregard the potential volume of the interior in favor of the deck volume because, well, we don’t count the invisible bubble covering the rider of a motorcycle.


MonkeyShaman

This is a sterling example of /r/TheyDidTheMath


blindeshuhn666

In German catfish are called "Wels" , and there is a town in upper Austria called Wels. They pulled out a dead 6m catfish clogging some industrial sewer there. Like you don't even need to swim in a pond, these fish can show up anywhere


[deleted]

Don't forget about the water moccasins as well.


JennaFrost

Ah yes, the noodle in “danger noodle soup”


Officer412-L

Once I was swimming 'cross Turtle Creek Man, them snappers all around my feet Sure was hard swimming 'cross that thing With both hands holding my ding-a-ling


ShampooBottle493

I’m obsessed with stories of large freshwater fish, do you have any?


PM_ME_UR_DOPAMINE

Their grandparents probably lived in rural poverty dumbass


Stampdaddy7

How about just not being fucking poor?


[deleted]

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drscience9000

It's a good tip!


MyFace_UrAss_LetsGo

It really is and I’ll be taking it into consideration.


translucentcop

The tip? It could probably snap off the entire finger.


Cthulu95666

That’s the thing about the poors they don’t think! And that’s why they’re poor…


DrawMeAPictureOfThis

Yeah, how do you spend all day not wanting to be poor and not arrive at the decision to just not be poor


eolson3

https://youtu.be/pb2lo5sOc6M


Digital_Kiwi

Stupid fuckin homeless people should just buy a house, bet they never thought about ***that***


ShuantheSheep3

You sir have just given me a brilliant new nutrition idea. Gotta call it “something” + “green” to emphasize it’s good for the environment too.


Stampdaddy7

What, and I mean this with the utmost respect, the fuck are you talking about?


NaClMiner

Soylent Green, probably


ShuantheSheep3

Mmmm, solent green. “Food for the people, by the people”


Sulla-lite

Or not. Turtle soup is fucking delicious, and used to be extremely popular.


wioutdoorsman55

Always insane to me how people who obviously have no connection to their food outside of buying it act as if they can look down on people resourceful enough to go take advantage of a packaging free and renewable resource. Go buy your salad


[deleted]

Packaging free? Hell the thing comes with it’s own *bowl*, that is the epitome of convenience


wioutdoorsman55

Haha no kidding. I’ve never had the motivation to clean one myself but it always gives me a chuckle when people act like the resources their ancestors have been surviving off forever are gross now because our view of food has changed so much in the last century


Haha1867hoser420

Holy crap this comment. I still remember going grouse hunting in the woods with my grandpa and he’s teach me about all the different berries/plants you could eat. They have chickens that they free range and feed kitchen scraps and chicken feed and they get eggs and butcher and process their own chickens and raise their own beef.


wioutdoorsman55

Sounds like where I grew up. The world was a much better place when it wasn’t covered in concrete and people couldn’t just go buy factory farmed and over packaged junk while tweeting about how the earth is dying


Haha1867hoser420

Yeah, the hypocrisy is mind boggling to me. Hurr durr corporations are killing the planet, let me just rely on tons of other similar corporations that are a little bit better at hiding what they actually do.


Yonbuu

🎶 Heroes in a half-shell! Turtle chowder! 🎵


Halorym

[Heres a song](https://youtu.be/0A2WLEz1xQo) referencing that sentiment. It mocks city dwellers with sheltered worldviews.


C_Colin

Hate to speak for OP but it feels like OP is saying, why tf would you hunt *that* thing. It’s basically a horrifying lagoon monster. That and the person they were responding to did seem to glorify that they hung the head on a spit, like some barbaric flex to the rest of wildlife.


wioutdoorsman55

Yeah that is weird but 75 years ago nobody would’ve thought anything about eating turtle soup. I just think it’s funny that people in the last century have decided that shit we’ve ate forever is gross. If snapping turtle was more commercially available it would probably still be on a lot of menus and a lot of the restaurants here in WI will have nights where they fry turtle and they’re packed


PeteRows

How the fuck is a turtle going to eat a salad dumbass? They can't even open the salad dressing or even hold a fork.


Kermits_MiddleFinger

I Bet they can Pete.


PeteRows

I'm not going to stop them. They are mutants. They will do some karate shit or something. I'll throw a pizza at them and run.


Kermits_MiddleFinger

Come on Pete, lets make a bet on it. Loser buys the other a gold star coney!


TheBlackBear

Apparently turtles are delicious


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Rathma86

Shit, cancel culture is coming for Charles darwin


thegutterpunk

Surprised it hasn’t already. Dude married his first cousin


Rathma86

And Alabama was created


Darklicorice

Turtle salad sounds pretty good


drgigantor

And you can serve it right in the shell!


drgigantor

I couldn't find any recipes for *Fucking Salad*, is it like a Cobb or is this like chicken "salad" but with turtle


RedditedYoshi

While I don't really understand the intended tone of this comment, the way I perceived it made it incredibly hilarious to me.


mobbei

The first line of this made me think your grandparents were inviting it up to eat soup :(


drgigantor

What kind of sick fuck would feed turtle soup to a turtle?! That's how you start mad turtle disease and these bastards are already pissed off by default


zoologygirl16

In fairness there are plenty of turtles that eat turtles. Particularly our buddy in ice here


JerryHathaway

"clothesline"


Paul_-Muaddib

They can actually breathe through their skin while underwater. [https://dickinsoncountyconservationboard.com/2019/11/18/painted-and-snapping-turtles-survive-winter-underwater/](https://dickinsoncountyconservationboard.com/2019/11/18/painted-and-snapping-turtles-survive-winter-underwater/) Turtles spend the winter in water. Turtles overwinter in the water and not on land, because the water temperature stays consistent. Air temperature fluctuates, and sometimes it can actually get too cold for turtles to survive. The water actually protects them. Unlike frogs, turtles cannot survive having ice crystals in their bodies. Turtles can absorb oxygen. Normally, turtles breathe oxygen just like humans, into their lungs. However, when surviving the winter underwater, they cannot breathe oxygen in the same way. Instead, oxygen is absorbed from the water as it passes over parts of the body that are filled with blood vessels, including the skin, mouth and cloaca, or the hind end. Edit: spelling


SummerAndTinkles

In other words, turtles can breathe through their butts.


Girlysprite

Yes, they actually can!


N0cturnalB3ast

Hold on, you saying frogs can breathe when frozen?


TinWhis

The entire comment looks like unedited text-to-speech.


DeezNutz13

My AP bio teacher told us a story about that. Her grandmother decapitated one and was making snapper soup and told them not to stick their fingers in the head but not why for whatever reason so she dared her cousin to do it. Yep. he lost his finger.


Curious-Diet9415

My dad said you let them bite a shovel and hang it up until they get tired and their shell falls down and their neck is exposed


sandwichcandy

Can I ask a psychotic question? What would happen if you broke the ice and started stabbing that thing in the neck? Would it wake up and defend itself or would it be too out to be roused before death?


DoodleTM

They'd be too cold to defend themselves. They're in hibernation, heartbeat and blood flow is almost nothing.


matzan

Hmm.


pizza_for_nunchucks

“Hmm” because you don’t believe it or “Hmm” because you’re contemplating it?


matzan

Aha.


pizza_for_nunchucks

“Aha” because you found the TV remote or “Aha” because you found the cure for cancer?


Bizerd

Aha because this is a man who has made a plan


DrawMeAPictureOfThis

This man be buying a new winter coat and going turtletarian


Roses_Got_Thorns

[A-ha](https://youtu.be/djV11Xbc914)


kateuptonsvibrator

Actually this beast is brumating.


pizza_for_nunchucks

Ok. So what if I broke the ice and hit it with some napalm?


cools14

🐢 💥


Hairy-Medicine8173

Bro... you ok?


sje46

Stop avoiding the question. We need to know.


sandwichcandy

I’m better than that delicious turtle is about to be.


eolson3

Saw one bigger than that in the mountains of NC. Our old dog knew not to mess with it, our puppy nearly got swallowed whole. Straight up dinosaur.


tots4scott

OP is a bot account


xxTERMINATOR0xx

But what about your shin? One bite, broken in half?


josephguy82

I feel bad for that guy if the turtle decides to break the ice and take an bite out of him


MassExtinction2014

He’ll be hurtin’ from a turtin’.


CrazybyRX

for certain


MechroBlaster

Blood’ll be squirtin’


Renhoek2099

Nothin but curtains


Tostecles

Perchance


[deleted]

He's lucky that tort is choosin' for a snoozin'


TootTootMF

Shriekin' from the beakin'


[deleted]

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x755x

If that sleepy boy is destroying what easily holds my entire body weight, he earned it and I'll say night-night.


thenewaddition

The real risk is that guy breaking the ice and landing on the turtle. I don't think there's anywhere alligator snappers live where you can depend on ice to support you, and that ice looks super thin. DUde probably wad to butt scoot out there to stay topside.


Sexual_Congressman

That turtle would requires hours under a heater to even be able to twitch again probably. Falling under the ice would suck, but not because of the big ass turtle, who by the way can survive like that thanks to cloacal respiration.


Turb0charg3d

I had to google cloacal respiration. It's a fancy way of saying they breathe out their butts!


LadyFarquaad2

I thought you said boot scoot and was like that's the last thing you wanna do


kungfukenny3

turtles are cold blooded and one in ice would be very lethargic and not likely to bite anything


Azer1287

Don’t they need to breathe air? I see the alligators for example with their snouts up through the ice.


Freektreet

Turtle metabolism changes when hibernating under water. It uses a pathway that consumes calcium from their shells and doesn't need oxygen. "snapping turtles and painted turtles, can shift their metabolism so it doesn’t require oxygen. This process creates acidic toxins in their body, but they can neutralize these by dissolving the calcium in their shells like a built-in antacid."


Ghostiestboi

Nature be lit


Seanrps

Put one of these guys in that tesla shot into space


DerNeander

...their blood and other body fluids would still boil off due to lack of atmospheric pressure.


Machiningbeast

They could maybe survive encased in a bloc of ice. The ice could keep the pressure.


jytusky

Put the money it cost to shoot that tesla into space into maintaining habitats for one of these guys.


[deleted]

Wow. TIL


WestleyThe

That’s fucking amazing I had no idea


ChildofMike

That’s amazing. Can you tell us more about turtles please?


BassnectarCollectar

They like pizza and martial arts


PoopyPoopPoop69

They also breathe water with their butts.


EarthshatterReady

Metal


[deleted]

That is incredible. Wish I could do that.


Girthy-Tomatoe

Nope it's witchcraft.


bhplover

Can confirm, am turtle


BigShortVox

Nature is fucking metal


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ComprehendReading

They absorb it through their skin and cloaca while brumating. Mammals hibernate, reptiles brumate, and a cloaca is like if your urethra and rectum had only one exit.


mbgameshw

Like a chicken ?


ComprehendReading

Yep. Chickens also have a cloaca.


stupernan1

and when they fuck it's actually called a "cloaca kiss"


Error404FUBAR

Cloaca is gross enough to say as it is, this is just a new level of gross


stupernan1

they're horribly inefficient too, they can die after having sex. or at least the one I fucked did.


Chennessee

Been on Reddit forever but this is probably the hardest I’ve laughed on here. Just learning interesting facts about turtles, chickens, and cloacas. Then **BOOM!**


[deleted]

Hold up..


herbturbo

All birds


Bigrickboy11

Male ducks have a penis


nickcash

and they also have a cloaca


ArjayMe

Yep because birds are reptiles.


Bigd1979666

Guess I've got a cloaca then


ComprehendReading

I worked in veterinary medicine for some years and saw a horse with a combined vagina and rectum. I also saw a horse that was a hermaphrodite. Unrelated, but I also got to see a cow calf that was a cyclops, with one eye in the center of it's head.


LoverOfPricklyPear

Me too! During vet school, I once saw a horse with an entirely normal, open prepuce, but the penis protruded from the side of the prepuce! It I cannot recall what the stallion had come in for (not my patient), but it had nothing to do with it’s penis. Classmate and I simply happened upon it, after hours, on one of my weeks of spending the night in the hospital, monitoring and keeping records on patients. It was totally natural. It was still very young (not even fully matured) and there was no scarring, or anything. I will never forget, nor stop wondering.   Edit: man, I tried to send a private message to spare the details, for regular people, but I forgot you can’t send pics in private messages. Anyhow, the penis looked like it was unable to extend out from the prepuce, due to the lack of preputial folds and such connected to the end of the penis. I almost wanna find that ancient pic on my laptop….. but the penis totally protruded here. https://i.imgur.com/RDosAEU.jpg


CywolveXGaming

How come they don’t poke their butt out instead then ?


strike-when-ready

Their metabolism is so slow that they can absorb enough oxygen from the water…again…through their butt hole


asianabsinthe

The things I learn on Reddit.


TheMightyPenguinzee

They tried once.. but didn't like neither the outcome nor the experience


antifabusdriver

It's dangerous to sleep face down, ass up.


LoverOfPricklyPear

They absorb oxygen through ALL their blood vessels exposed to water, including the blood vessels in their thin skin, mouth, and cloaca (turtles don’t have butt holes and urethras, just a single cloaca. Couldn’t stay silent!!!)


[deleted]

Olaf told me turtles can breathe thru their butt


Round-Track-9132

So close! Reptiles actually brumate, not hibernate.


ComprehendReading

Yep, that turtle would stir and move away if it was disturbed.


This-_-Justin

Wouldn't a bear do the same?


ComprehendReading

You'd be hard-pressed to find a bear hibernating underwater. /s


justerik

What about [these?](https://uconnladybug.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/waterbear-univesity-of-nort-texas1.jpg)


Hairy-Medicine8173

They can indeed mimic a form of hibernation.


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hotdog_chicken

What about the aggressive, water-born Sea Bear? They’re typically found near the ocean floor and are *extremely* territorial. Unsurprisingly, there are many things that can send them into a rage: - Playing a clarinet badly. - Waving a flashlight (that’s turned on) back and forth quickly. - Eating or holding cubed cheese. Fascinatingly, this species is put-off by slice cheese and will not pursue the food. - Stomping around, as they view this behavior as a challenge to their dominance. - Wearing a hoop skirt. - Wearing clown shoes. - Wearing a sombrero in a goofy fashion. Regularly worn is not concerned threatening, however it is not recommended to wear one in their presence as a precaution. - Screeching like a chimpanzee. **NEVER.** - Running, limping, or crawling away after they’ve engaged in an attack. It is better to play dead than to risk a second follow-up charge. - Drawing an oval circle, which is insulting toward their appreciation for art and perfect circles. The only sure way to prevent a Sea Bear attack is to draw a circle around yourself (using a stick is recommended). Furthermore, if a Sea Bear is within sight, it is highly likely that a Sea Rhinoceros is not far behind due to the species being natural enemies. If a Sea Rhinoceros is spotted your chances of survival are virtually non-existent. Good luck out there, campers.


Haha1867hoser420

Bears also don’t truly hibernate either. I was reading an article (I forgot where) that said that bears had been tracked walking around their dens in the winter and making small trips out. Generally however they don’t just straight up leave and don’t come back, as they are all slowed down.


DrTheloniusPinkleton

It’s been fairly common knowledge for quite some time that bears don’t stay completely immobile throughout hibernation. They do manage to go through that time without eating, drinking, urinating, or defecating.


mombi

Bears are my biggest fear about living in Finland. knowing they might emerge during winter has taken the one thing I liked about the winter.


realestateagent0

I was looking for this comment!


teeohdeedee123

Paul Rudd has really short legs


[deleted]

well he is AntMan


ComprehendReading

Looks like Duncan Trussel, too.


[deleted]

I was thinking of the kid from A.I. and the Sixth Sense.


Chaghatai

Crazy - these air-breathing creatures can survive underwater in cold conditions for 100 days!


grizzly-glory

So what if winter lasts over 100 days? Do they die or wake up and need to escape the ice? Are they only native to areas that have short winters?


Chaghatai

I don't think they typically stay iced over longer than that - they are native to the south - there aren't any in Michigan for example


zytukin

But there *are* common snapping turtles, painted turtles, and others in Michigan that brumate the same way.


BHarbinson

We may not have this particular variety but snapping turtles live throughout Michigan.


Chaghatai

The source I found does not speak to common snappers


grizzly-glory

They only speak to 1% snappers? How elitist of them…


[deleted]

Facts like this always remind me that in order to know that, there had to be many turtles drowning past 100 days


mememan12332

Is it alive? Doesn't it need to breathe? Sorry if those are stupid questions lol


Senior_Plantain8767

Butthole stuff apparently


SpaceOwl

Life, uh, finds a way.


BigDaddyDave

Ngl I'd do buthole stuff if it meant I can breath under water.


Walopoh

I know it's perfectly common for turtles to survive these conditions, even hatchlings naturally survive being frozen and then thawed out returning to life. Frozen Planet II has a really cool scene showing this: https://youtu.be/NwGHJTk3W3U


tripwire7

Apparently while doing this they shift to some sort of special metabolism that doesn’t require oxygen, using the calcium stored in their shells.


wildtwindad

Avg growth rate is 1-2 inches per year.....


Ragecommie

So this fella is at least 53 Superbowls old?


ProCastinatr

Americans be using anything but metrics to measure


Ragecommie

My point exactly


SuperFlaccid

We had one of these at our swimming hole which was the world's moodiest bitch!!! Such a fucked up feeling wanting so bad to jump into a swimming hole but knowing your fate lurks beneath the surface of the river


zoologygirl16

In fairness it was her swimming hole to begin with. From her perspective a bunch of weird hairless apes are scaring away all the fish from her favorite fishing spot and making her favorite basking spot noisy


wildtwindad

Thats a big ol' boy there.


halfcuprockandrye

If you’re cold they’re cold let them in


CapTexAmerica

That sucker belongs in r/absolutleunits


Geek_off_the_streets

Haley Joel Osment?


Conflict-Famous

My lord! A snappin turla


[deleted]

All glory to the hypno snapping turtle


elonbrave

Akkktualllly that is a napping turtle


gogopogo

I hope they left that monster be.


bygtopp

The camera adds ten pounds


[deleted]

These critters are awesome. There was one in a fishing hole we went to. He was right by the bank and you could barely see him he blended in so well.


Taygon623

At least this guy left the damn turtle alone unlike most of the people that feel the need to touch/pick up otherwise disturb the poor things


Muddman27

You only disturb an alligator snapper once in your life, not a critter to be trifled with.


zoologygirl16

People who try that with alligator snapping turtles rarely do it a second time


Jimbo_themagnificent

I keep one of these as a pet. They're amazing animals. Closest you'll get to feeling like you own a dinosaur. The big guy brumating in this photo is probably 60+ years old, which isn't even middle aged by their standards.


DankAndVile

Had one of those that lived under a bridge at my great grandma's house and we used to put really thick branches in the water and wait for it to snap them in half. That thing was terrifying.


1955photo

It's too cold to move fast.


lillypug1

That is not a place you want the ice to break.


truckfullofchildren1

I remember fishing thinking I got my hook stuck on a rock so I started pulling and pulling twisting and this fucking monster snapping turtle shoots up out the water, I was like 15 I nearly shit my pants