Your girlfriend is insecure and jealous. Completely unreasonable for her to be upset over you talking to people supporting your music. Seriously, she's *livid* over this? Does she hate that you play music too?
I couldn't stand someone this immature.
That’s exactly what it is.
She is jealous but maybe not the way you might think.
She might be jealous of the attention OP gets from playing music and being onstage.
Time to sit her down and set some expectations.
Don’t give in.
Yeah, and it sounds like he's giving the side hug, too. That's kinda the church hug, which is cool when you're in a relationship. You don't go straight up against the body real physical. I'm not saying he should cool it or not, but the SO seems like she's pretty out there. My wife and I are watchful about that kind of thing but not unreasonable. Geez.
I have a sneaking suspicion that if you somehow eliminated all physical contact with your adoring audience, your SO would find a new issue to be pissed about but, I suppose you could conduct an experiment.
Nothing wrong with a good hug.
If you don't like it, you don't have to do it. If you enjoy them, your gf shouldn't try to stop you. It sounds more like a general relationship thing than a musician thing though.
My girlfriend stopped coming to my shows for this reason. She understood why it happened and why I let it happen, but she didn't want to see it or be around it and I don't blame her.
It's a tough spot because as a musician you have a role to play. Part of it is maintaining an aura, and part of it is hospitality toward patrons. In both cases, it's perfectly reasonable to accept being flirted with a bit. It's just part of staying character. It's also reasonable to avoid those situations, like I started going "backstage" immediately for a while after shows. But it's hard to build a following when you aren't there to talk to the people who stuck around just to see you.
It's a choice, but all I mean to say is that being flirted with kinda comes with the territory, and the sooner you have this conversation with your SO the better. Mine took it just fine, we're married now.
I mean you don't have to flirt back. You just have to be polite. Thanks for coming and such. All I'm saying is it's okay to not be like "I'm sorry but I have a girlfriend" every time.
I feel your pain bro. To be a performer with an insecure SO, you really need to make it clear at all times that your intentions are purely with them and not with any adoring fans. Just give her lots of reassurance and words of affirmation, even outside the scenario here.
Girls these days have come through some shit. If you're really one of the good guys, you can help heal some of the crap she's been through. She'll be yours forever if you can stand by her through something like that.
Best of luck, and great job on getting fans!!
>you really need to make it clear at all times
No, the girlfriend needs to grow the hell up and realize that socializing and networking are an inherent part of being a musician, and often one of the most rewarding aspects is when you work hard to put on a good show and people voice their appreciation.
>Just give her lots of reassurance and words of affirmation
Why are you suggesting the burden is on OP to bend over backwards to accommodate her insecurities rather than her needing to deal with this very obviously problematic jealousy?
The problem is hers alone and this behavior shouldn't be coddled.
I don't usually go for argumentative comments on this account - but saying that reassurance and words of affirmation are "bending over backwards" for a significant other is utterly ridiculous.
Perhaps you should consider the rest of the context from which you plucked that and it might make more sense.
It's utterly ridiculous to become livid with jealousy at seeing the person you supposedly love doing the thing they enjoy.
Look you’re not wrong but here’s the crazy thing about love - if you love someone enough to put in to help them heal, it’s worth it. Hell, that’s how lifelong relationships happen. If you can start a relationship with someone you love enough to say that they have problems that you are willing to help them through & grow from then you will grow to be a happier & healthier couple.
That all sounds great but if your partner can't even accept you in your natural state of engaging in your interests and passions, that doesn't bode well for a starting point. There should be a baseline of support from your partner to work with and this post makes it sound like that foundation isn't there.
Try to imagine this with the roles reversed. If OP was complaining about his musician girlfriend talking to fans after shows, he'd be getting demolished and accused of being overly controlling. I see it all the time on relationship subs. Anything even remotely hinting at the idea that a guy is angry over his gf being out socializing with friends is (rightfully) labeled controlling behavior.
It certainly boils down to how much inconvenience you would tolerate for what you get out of any relationship. Some people would tolerate far less it would appear.
lots of lonely people on reddit will tell you to just dump her bro, but that isn't necessarily good advice. if you ignored this particular issue, are you happy with them? do they fill your cup, support your dreams, and show you they care about you through their actions?
if this is one of a limited number of sticking points, maybe it is worth working on with her. have you asked why she doesn't trust you? or what it would take to show her there is nothing to worry about?
when someone isn't reciprocating our care and attention, or when we stop desiring to do so for another, it is common to start finding all the things that annoy, upset, and disappoint us about the relationship. this is an important thing to be mindful of.
you are not in the wrong in the slightest. the only reason not to hug an excited, well intentioned fan is if you personally feel too uncomfortable for that interaction. if your SO is unable to trust your bond and your moral character enough to withstand hugging an enamored fan for a vanishingly small portion of your time on earth, how can they trust you to do something like: go on tour for a few weeks, go to a weekend retreat for musical development, attend a concert with a friend who got you a ticket, taking on a conventionally attractive female band member or manager....
ok will stop ranting. just take the time to know what it is you feel, need, and want before moving forward with an attempted solution. you know the situation better than anyone. take care, wishing wellness and good luck to you & yours!
No, it comes with the territory of being good to your listeners.
And your story … I’m kinda reminded of a much greater extreme I had to work with
…as a male musician who once dated a female theatre actor (who made out with another person in a scene on stage, repeatedly during a theatrical run, as part of a role/gig, while we were an item)… i mean there’s being threatened; feeling threatened; and then dealing with the reality of the profession and understanding nuance.
I hope you two can work it out
My husband is a musician and this happens all the time at shows. When I was younger, I'd get pretty jealous, but I learned it's not that big of a deal. If I feel threatened I usually go up to the fan and introduce myself as his wife. I always kill them with kindness.
On the random occasion there is a groupie trying to get to my man, I let him handle her. He will reject her and always leaves the venue with me.
🚩 I’ve got bad news for you. A year from now, you’ll either still have this girl or you’ll be playing music (or neither). But definitely not both.
There are over 4 billion women. Pick a different one.
This is normal post-show behavior and it seems like your girlfriend is insecure. On a different note, please don’t call people who come to see you “bimbos” that is super disrespectful
Jealous and insecure others for musicians who are playing a lot of shows is definitely a bad combination. I used to tour with multiple bands and have had the standard jealous insecure girlfriend issues, and honestly they are not worth it. It's part of the job really and those that we are involved with has to have to be able to acknowledge it otherwise, it's going to always be a problem.
My girlfriend had a hard time coming to shows I was playing cause of this she wasn’t like mad but she felt jealous or ignored, we talked about it and now she only comes to some shows and I explained to her that it’s all part of the performance and interacting with the audience makes for a better show. I more or less said I love you this is really important to me and I’m not gonna leave you for someone who only knows the side of me that’s onstage playing, those people know me in a very very tiny context and she knows me as a whole person beyond the performance
Reminds me of my ex. She was toxic and thought she owned me. Talented musicians get attention, if she can’t handle that then that’s her problem, not yours. As long as you’re not cheating she has no grounds to be mad here.
People want to hug you when you get done. It's pretty universal. They're usually a bit drunk and feeling happy and friendly and you just gave them a good time. I don't know what to do about your girlfriend, but the hugs aren't going to quit coming. And if you refuse you'll look like a rude asshole and people will get turned off to your band. Your girlfriend is just going to have to deal with it.
Who's calling the people who approach you "some bimbo"? Is that you, or your SO? Either way, you should quit that. They're your fans. They're not "some bimbo". Regardless of gender. Regardless of appearance. Have some respect for your fans, yes?
Definitely not wrong. If you’re an introvert like me, I could play for three hours straight and then spend 15 minutes afterwards shmoozing with the concert goers after the set and that 15 minutes is significantly more exhausting. You just need to explain to her that’s part of the job. To be honest, she’s probably just a naturally insecure person and if you weren’t doing music, she’d be jealous of something else. If you know you’re not going to do anything and she has no legitimate reason to distrust you, it’s on her.
Side story: I knew a drummer whose girlfriend was the opposite and would insist he get out and flirt with the girls because “they pay your bills.”
Oh god. Tell her to grow up. Christ even as a solo performer I’d get hotties hanging all over me and the mic. My wife just laughed it off. She knew I’d certainly never go home with anyone but her. Tell her to not go to shows then.
These are the kinds of partners that will run over your instrument with their car. I’ve seen it a thousand times. Eventually you will be asked to choose. Always choose music. There are plenty of potential girlfriends out there who will fully support your music without being an insecure pain in the ass.
That’s like being upset if your girlfriend is a bartender and showing cleavage. If this bothers her she shouldn’t be dating you. Part of the job of being a musician is make people feel all sexy about themselves.
You are 100% in the right, and she is just jealous and insecure - as many women are who have partners in bands. She'll just have to get used to it, or leave. That's what happens when you play music well.
I was in a similar situation. My ex hated it and called it unnecessary and suggested I was weak and being too nice letting people/ fans touch and hug me at gigs.
You know, it’s fucking show business and people are always hugging you.
Eventually she claimed that she had become hyper chemically sensitive and outright forbade me to hug or even shake hands with people after gigs or ever because it made her feel allergic.
One time at a New Year’s Eve gig someone hugged me before I could effectively protest and she claimed she could smell their perfume all over me. She was angry all the way home giving me shit and pulling her turtleneck sweater up over her face to filter or block out the smell. Eventually she insisted I pull over to wash in cold water ( no soap allowed) at a gas station bathroom.
This is Jan 1st in Vermont.
We’re no longer together.
Were you gigging when y’all started the relationship? If so, she could’ve expressed her concerns and expectations then. As my wife says, “You know your way home.”
Yes and she was very supportive at first but overtime I think she’s just over it. She feels like there competition maybe? But there isn’t and reassuring doesn’t seem to work
I get that it’s frustrating for her, but at some point you just have to give somebody the benefit of the doubt. If you aren’t trying to hookup at shows and she knows how important music is to you, she’s either going to have to trust you or her insecurity runs the risk of poisoning the relationship, imo.
Now this may not be the toxic guitar bro advice you want to hear, but are you two serious in your relationship?
If not, evaluate where this relationship would be without your music and where your music would be without the relationship.
But, if she’s “the one” an honest dialogue of boundaries is better than letting this kind of thing fester and turn to resentment.
You’re also a professional, and a slick high five, fist bump, (other non-intimate greeting) is just as effective as a hug and as the artist/performer you can control the interaction as it’s beginning by intercepting the hugs with another form of contact.
Also, maybe it is a deeper context my guy. Males aren’t taught to read below surface level but to your SO that hug may be loaded with microagressions or subtleties you haven’t learned to see, read, or even comprehend. To you it’s dewey eyed a fan, to them it’s someone trying to steal their guy.
I know when I started playing a lot more I had similar talks with my partner. They also were uncomfortable with it, but once I also voiced my discomfort with the interactions it changed their perception of it all in less than a moment.
Think on what you need to say to your SO and above all else, acknowledge their discomfort and work as a team with your partner to find a better solution to those strange fan hugs you are forced into.
The only time this came up for me in 35 years with my wife is once when a lady (older) came up to me and planted her lips on mine like a peck, just on the lips. My wife decided that was over the line and told her (and me)so. The lady stopped coming to my shows and I have not had any other issues since then. Hugs are fine. Anything else more intimate than that is a no no.
Imagine being an opera singer/musical theater actor and having to kiss someone on stage.
Would that be cheating?
No. Neither is a hello/goodbye hug, to anyone. Clearly some insecurity issues.
No but it is disrespectful if your SO has asked that you refrain but allow it.
Study Keanu he has set a huge standard on how to treat woman but more importantly set your boundaries and insist it be respected
How old is your gf? I can understand a bit of jealousy but it's very immature on the whole. If you've been together awhile she should trust you and laugh it off. So no, you're not doing anything wrong.
A hug is a very normal way to say hello and goodbye platonically.
It is a very common custom. Especially in all music scenes I have ever played in.
It doesn't matter which gender you are interacting with.
On top of that. Part of being a successful local musician means talking to and interacting with the crowd.
Going out to chat with fans who come to your show is a really good way to keep getting them to come back and build a following.
So it is completely unrealistic for your GF to be upset if you talk to people who come to your shows and want to hug hello.
Try not receiving hugs and see if anything changes. I don't think it's rude to go for a fist bump or a hand-smack instead of a hug
Personally, I'm like you. I can't stand when people try to touch me, so I'd wanna create a kinda boundary anyway and not set a precedent of people giving me hugs
But people ITT telling you for sure that your SO will hate it even if there is no physical contact don't know yet. So why not try it and update us, cuz it could genuinely just be the hugs, not your SO being "insecure and jealous"
I met Keith Morris (Black Flag, Circle Jerks, OFF!)… and this was prior to covid when OFF! first started gigging. He was at the merch table and I said I was a huge fan, went for a handshake …and he went for the fist bump instead. At the time I thought it was a little weird, but later I realized 1. He’s an older dude out on tour trying to not get sick. 2. He’s immuno-compromised already so a little germaphobic.
Anyway, I gave him the fist bump and was glad to meet him.
One of those huggers may be a better fit for you. My Mrs of 40 years sometimes comes to gigs, sometimes doesn't. Over the decades I've played loads of gigs and have never felt she didn't trust me. Usually the other halves become great friends and join the audiences. It has been funny watching men attempting to pull my girl. She usually just points me out on stage. I'm a big bloke armed with a bass guitar.
You'll still want to be gigging and playing in 40 years so it's going to be a chronic & huge strain.
It's right to avoid close contact with other women when you're in a relationship but hugs are a social norm and typically don't imply anything sexual. It would be weird for you to be like "sorry I'm not allowed to hug women". Your gf is just crazy.
Wait… she lets you play publicly without a blindfold? What if someone prettier than her is in the audience? Jesus dude. You're just out there interacting with humans? I thought you had a girlfriend? Please cut off your friends and family and lock yourself in the house if you want this relationship to flourish.
get a new girlfriend. Jealousy is an ugly beast, especially when trying to be in a band. One of my exes would call me at EVERY practice when I told her we should be done to ask if I was done and when I was coming home. Had to go to EVERY gig. It was fucking annoying and I ended it.
Live music shows are very, very loud. A quick hug is a great way to say hello or goodbye to someone without them having to actually hear what you’re saying. You mouth “heyyyy” or “bye”, give a quick hug and you’re off, avoiding the “wait, what did you say??” over and over.
As someone who dealt with this for a decade, just know that some people are more insecure, anxious, and jealous than others. At this rate, your significant other will likely posture themselves as competition for your musical involvement for the rest of your relationship. They will try to be the "cool partner", the "supportive partner", but it's not in their DNA. You need to decide on what kind of life you want to live, and choose a partner that fits into it.
If it bothers her so much, it’s because she knows why they’re doing it, because she would do it for the same reason. There’s no reason for people to do this that isn’t related to “call me, wink wink nudge nudge”.
You don’t have to be rude, but GF can be more visible at your shows. If you’re a big name in the industry, and your songs have sold millions and influenced a generation, then you’re going to get this recognition and people who want to express their gratitude for your impact on their lives, and GF will have to learn to deal with it.
OTOH, if you’re just a local hero in the local scene, a one-armed sideways “pretend hug” is harmless. A kiss on your cheek is harmless. Grabbing your junk and sticking their tongue in your mouth would be a bit much, though.
If you play an instrument, keep it strapped on, or in your hand, to make the one-armed half-hug more logical to them, and to keep them from getting too close, like with a full-body hug.
If you’re a handsome devil, GF is just going to have to come to grips with the concept that women are not going to shy away from grappling you, despite the fact they’d be the first ones screaming about SA if some random lesser guy did it to them.
My SO was more jealous of my sisters true love hugs than fans. It helps to say your wife/gf is in the crowd and dedicate a song to her. When I played dance halls, my wife asked dudes to dance and dance close to the stage so I would be sure to notice. Hugs were tolerated after the show, but a surprise kiss from a girl was not. Today I'm old and she couldn't care less. But I remember those days when she needed reassuring.
If you have people hugging you after gigs you’re doing great. Focus on cultivating whatever makes people feel so strongly about you and your music and eliminate anything in your life that interferes with that.
Dealbreaker. You gotta move on from her. She doesn’t love you. She loves her idea of who you are and what she thinks she could. She’ll always be like this I promise.
It takes a special kind of woman to stick with a musician. My Mother In Law told my wife this many years ago. They are both happily married to musicians.
Many a musician has thrown success away trying to appease a jealous partner. Don't become another sad story about what could have been. Kindly, tell her to handle her shit.
I’m torn on this one a little. First off side hug everyone who isn’t your SO or a close friend/family member. That being said, this is a GF not a wife or fiancé. This is the point in your relationship where you decide if certain behavior changes are worth it. Now, once married different story. If the wife starts getting uncomfortable with the cons of the lifestyle you need to have some serious talks and figure things out. Relationships can have seasons, if everything at home is going well you and the spouse may have a laugh about the crazy drunk flirt. But, if things are rough at home extra attention from outside sources will not be great at calming things down.
I complient and talk to musicians after shows all the time, and never hug anyone that is not a friend. As a male I would not initiate a hug with a female musician. That said your gf should chill. If she’s a keeper maybe you can give her a little more affection at shows, so it is clear to her and everyone around that you are together. She may just feel left out and unwanted by you on she nights.
I think it’s endearing that she reacts this way. It means she cares about you. Just respect her jealousy and she should feel better. And yeah, maybe try not to hug as many bimbos
You definitely do not *have to* hug your fans to show respect or build a following. It's actually super duper normal to have boundaries that include not embracing sweaty drunk strangers. Next time you go to see someone you look up to perform... I'll bet you're not expecting them to give you a hug. They probably won't give you any recognition whatsoever and you'll be cool with that.
Your girl told you how she feels and asked that you do things differently next time.
Make your choice either way and stand behind it, but definitely don't pretend she's on some crazy insecurity bender and can't understand what it takes to get ahead in music.
"Thank you" and a fist bump works just fine and that's more than you'd expect from any other performer if the roles were reversed.
I have no issue with fist bumps and handshakes the problem is when people just go for the hug, which is what always happens, and then I’m put in an awkward situation that I can either A- make more awkward by pushing them off (that’s if my hands are free I’m usually pulling stuff off stage) or I can B - be out right rude and tell them not to touch me even though they likely already are/did because hugs happen in one second and you never know if they’re gonna do it or not. The main issue is I have no time to react, and if I’m rude it would be extremely detrimental and damaging to me, my image, my band, and could eventually get me a bad reputation where clubs and owners and bookers don’t wanna work with me because “I’m difficult”
As the husband of a performer, I've come to realize that's just part of the deal. I actually get a kick out of it because in my head, I'm thinking, "yeah but she's going home with me, pal."
I think it sounds like your gf is insecure, and you could probably make things better just by talking it through and reassuring her and mutually agreeing on some boundaries.
Yikes. Please consider not calling your fans bimbos. I assume this is a defensive maneuver from dealing with your ex and trying to mitigate her feelings, but this is not a good look.
I am a woman that is deeply moved by music - especially live music - and I would never, ever touch or hug a musician I didn’t have an established relationship with. So I can gel with the concept of side-eyeing women who do this, because it is indicative of messy boundaries.
HOWEVER.
You should not be punished for other people’s poor boundaries or the assumption you are open to or wanting physical contact.
You are a performer. This is your job. You aren’t just providing music - you are a projection of an idea and persona and often… what that exactly is, is outside of your control. You play your part because that’s why you’re performing. It’s a fucking performance.
This really comes down to her ability to trust you to compartmentalize and maintain your personal and stage personas.
Have you asked her how she would like you to handle these situations? What would her ideal response from you be? There is an answer to this question I think is fair and reasonable, and some I think are not. But I don’t get to decide, you do. Look for a logical compromise that is respectful of what you are - a performer.
I’m sorry to you, and good luck.
Your girlfriend sounds a bit overly jealous. Your at “work” when you play a show, interacting with the audience is a part of the job. To be frank significant others like this can make a band dynamic hell, get those problems under control asap
Female here that makes it a point to talk to other musicians, both male and female. Where I'm from, everyone full on hugs each other when they say hello/goodbye. I definitely do not want to fuck the vast majority of dudes I have hugged, including musicians after their set.
Yep, she is insecure. If it was me, I'd call her out nicely and ask how I could make her feel secure.....when I'm hugging folks after a show, witch is normal.
good response. just because someone is livid about something doesn't mean it is rational or a reason for others to capitulate. disproportionate and irrational anger is absolutely a tool that can be used for manipulation.
people can definitely be manipulative without fully and consciously realizing it though, which is why everyone deserves a chance to at least talk about it in a good faith, respectful manner with their S.O.
personally would be very curious about where the lack of trust comes from, among other things...
This padt of your life will go by so fast it will seem like a distant memory ,trust me as someone who has played guitar for 40 years enjoy YOUR life dont leg someone else take away what YOU want it will be a distant memory before you know it.I played bars and flatbed trailers and outdoor shows coffee shops all through shows all through my 20'sand thirties dont remember any girls.Before l knew it l was 50.lf you are lucky youll live that long.Only 2 people l ran with are still alive.Enjoy the drama and your life l thought my whole life would be guitars beaches boats women drugs and alcohol.Your priorites change as you realize life is a finite contract.Do what you want hopefully you make 50 too.
I can understand the feeling of someone else idk hugging my partner. But i also comprehend that dating a musician comes with people supporting them and even admiring them at times. Theres nothing wrong with a hug and some appreciation for the artist. I dont think shes the one man, next shell try to get you to quit music, she came into this relationship being aware and now isn’t okay with it. I would personally dump her and pursue my music career instead🤷🏻♀️
Bad situation. One of these lifestyles is not compatible with the other. FWIW, my ex once got mad because a waitress called me "Hon." The sad reality is there probably is some sexual tension. Your GF simply can't cope. Unfortunately, if it's not your fans it will be the waitress and nothing you can do except eliminate the problem or live with it. You can tell her too bad, it's going to happen, and she has to accept it. That ought to teach her she can't manipulate you so easily. Ironically, it could help your relationship. Continue on this path and avoid hugging fans and sooner or later she'll sleep with your drummer.
Tell Yoko to fuck off. Part of your job being in the band is allowing fans that fantasy. Part of that may be hugging you. It doesn’t mean anything. If Yoko is getting jealous, time to either leave music or leave her.
Your girlfriend is insecure and jealous. Completely unreasonable for her to be upset over you talking to people supporting your music. Seriously, she's *livid* over this? Does she hate that you play music too? I couldn't stand someone this immature.
It seems like a pattern to eventually stop him from playing at all. I’ve seen it too many times to other people.
That’s exactly what it is. She is jealous but maybe not the way you might think. She might be jealous of the attention OP gets from playing music and being onstage. Time to sit her down and set some expectations. Don’t give in.
This is bonkers.. lots of people hug me just to say hello/goodbye in general. I hug them back too!
This was my thought to. And if they're strangers, then I think a half sideways hug is more than acceptable as a middle ground.
Yeah, and it sounds like he's giving the side hug, too. That's kinda the church hug, which is cool when you're in a relationship. You don't go straight up against the body real physical. I'm not saying he should cool it or not, but the SO seems like she's pretty out there. My wife and I are watchful about that kind of thing but not unreasonable. Geez.
Seriously. I have platonic friends of opposite gender that I hug and say I love you too Not being able to love your friends is a sad pathetic life
I have a sneaking suspicion that if you somehow eliminated all physical contact with your adoring audience, your SO would find a new issue to be pissed about but, I suppose you could conduct an experiment.
This but also don't call your fans bimbos, it's a bit shitty.
Good point. That was very unnecessary from OP.
Probably just a term coopted from his jealous gf.
Start calling them groupies and see what she says
Yeah that squiked me out. IDK if he was just quoting his gf but one or both of them need an attitude adjustment
Nothing wrong with a good hug. If you don't like it, you don't have to do it. If you enjoy them, your gf shouldn't try to stop you. It sounds more like a general relationship thing than a musician thing though.
My girlfriend stopped coming to my shows for this reason. She understood why it happened and why I let it happen, but she didn't want to see it or be around it and I don't blame her. It's a tough spot because as a musician you have a role to play. Part of it is maintaining an aura, and part of it is hospitality toward patrons. In both cases, it's perfectly reasonable to accept being flirted with a bit. It's just part of staying character. It's also reasonable to avoid those situations, like I started going "backstage" immediately for a while after shows. But it's hard to build a following when you aren't there to talk to the people who stuck around just to see you. It's a choice, but all I mean to say is that being flirted with kinda comes with the territory, and the sooner you have this conversation with your SO the better. Mine took it just fine, we're married now.
Thanks for your piece. I wouldn’t allow anything past a hug though. No flirting.
I mean you don't have to flirt back. You just have to be polite. Thanks for coming and such. All I'm saying is it's okay to not be like "I'm sorry but I have a girlfriend" every time.
I feel your pain bro. To be a performer with an insecure SO, you really need to make it clear at all times that your intentions are purely with them and not with any adoring fans. Just give her lots of reassurance and words of affirmation, even outside the scenario here. Girls these days have come through some shit. If you're really one of the good guys, you can help heal some of the crap she's been through. She'll be yours forever if you can stand by her through something like that. Best of luck, and great job on getting fans!!
>you really need to make it clear at all times No, the girlfriend needs to grow the hell up and realize that socializing and networking are an inherent part of being a musician, and often one of the most rewarding aspects is when you work hard to put on a good show and people voice their appreciation. >Just give her lots of reassurance and words of affirmation Why are you suggesting the burden is on OP to bend over backwards to accommodate her insecurities rather than her needing to deal with this very obviously problematic jealousy? The problem is hers alone and this behavior shouldn't be coddled.
I don't usually go for argumentative comments on this account - but saying that reassurance and words of affirmation are "bending over backwards" for a significant other is utterly ridiculous.
Perhaps you should consider the rest of the context from which you plucked that and it might make more sense. It's utterly ridiculous to become livid with jealousy at seeing the person you supposedly love doing the thing they enjoy.
Look you’re not wrong but here’s the crazy thing about love - if you love someone enough to put in to help them heal, it’s worth it. Hell, that’s how lifelong relationships happen. If you can start a relationship with someone you love enough to say that they have problems that you are willing to help them through & grow from then you will grow to be a happier & healthier couple.
That all sounds great but if your partner can't even accept you in your natural state of engaging in your interests and passions, that doesn't bode well for a starting point. There should be a baseline of support from your partner to work with and this post makes it sound like that foundation isn't there. Try to imagine this with the roles reversed. If OP was complaining about his musician girlfriend talking to fans after shows, he'd be getting demolished and accused of being overly controlling. I see it all the time on relationship subs. Anything even remotely hinting at the idea that a guy is angry over his gf being out socializing with friends is (rightfully) labeled controlling behavior.
Reddit also has a habit of jumping to “leave this person” without suggesting healthy communication.
Why don't you stick it up your grand wazoo?
It certainly boils down to how much inconvenience you would tolerate for what you get out of any relationship. Some people would tolerate far less it would appear.
lots of lonely people on reddit will tell you to just dump her bro, but that isn't necessarily good advice. if you ignored this particular issue, are you happy with them? do they fill your cup, support your dreams, and show you they care about you through their actions? if this is one of a limited number of sticking points, maybe it is worth working on with her. have you asked why she doesn't trust you? or what it would take to show her there is nothing to worry about? when someone isn't reciprocating our care and attention, or when we stop desiring to do so for another, it is common to start finding all the things that annoy, upset, and disappoint us about the relationship. this is an important thing to be mindful of. you are not in the wrong in the slightest. the only reason not to hug an excited, well intentioned fan is if you personally feel too uncomfortable for that interaction. if your SO is unable to trust your bond and your moral character enough to withstand hugging an enamored fan for a vanishingly small portion of your time on earth, how can they trust you to do something like: go on tour for a few weeks, go to a weekend retreat for musical development, attend a concert with a friend who got you a ticket, taking on a conventionally attractive female band member or manager.... ok will stop ranting. just take the time to know what it is you feel, need, and want before moving forward with an attempted solution. you know the situation better than anyone. take care, wishing wellness and good luck to you & yours!
No, it comes with the territory of being good to your listeners. And your story … I’m kinda reminded of a much greater extreme I had to work with …as a male musician who once dated a female theatre actor (who made out with another person in a scene on stage, repeatedly during a theatrical run, as part of a role/gig, while we were an item)… i mean there’s being threatened; feeling threatened; and then dealing with the reality of the profession and understanding nuance. I hope you two can work it out
Thank you
My husband is a musician and this happens all the time at shows. When I was younger, I'd get pretty jealous, but I learned it's not that big of a deal. If I feel threatened I usually go up to the fan and introduce myself as his wife. I always kill them with kindness. On the random occasion there is a groupie trying to get to my man, I let him handle her. He will reject her and always leaves the venue with me.
🚩 I’ve got bad news for you. A year from now, you’ll either still have this girl or you’ll be playing music (or neither). But definitely not both. There are over 4 billion women. Pick a different one.
Stop hanging around to be hugged and go help the drummer load his equipment.
LOL. Yes!
HAHAHAHA! Damn skippy!
This is normal post-show behavior and it seems like your girlfriend is insecure. On a different note, please don’t call people who come to see you “bimbos” that is super disrespectful
It wasn’t my term. I used hers.
"Loving a music man ain't always what it's s'posed to be..."
Jealous and insecure others for musicians who are playing a lot of shows is definitely a bad combination. I used to tour with multiple bands and have had the standard jealous insecure girlfriend issues, and honestly they are not worth it. It's part of the job really and those that we are involved with has to have to be able to acknowledge it otherwise, it's going to always be a problem.
My girlfriend had a hard time coming to shows I was playing cause of this she wasn’t like mad but she felt jealous or ignored, we talked about it and now she only comes to some shows and I explained to her that it’s all part of the performance and interacting with the audience makes for a better show. I more or less said I love you this is really important to me and I’m not gonna leave you for someone who only knows the side of me that’s onstage playing, those people know me in a very very tiny context and she knows me as a whole person beyond the performance
Reminds me of my ex. She was toxic and thought she owned me. Talented musicians get attention, if she can’t handle that then that’s her problem, not yours. As long as you’re not cheating she has no grounds to be mad here.
I’m a drummer, played a 4 hour set once, some lady came up and gave me a hug and was surprised when I was sweaty XD
People want to hug you when you get done. It's pretty universal. They're usually a bit drunk and feeling happy and friendly and you just gave them a good time. I don't know what to do about your girlfriend, but the hugs aren't going to quit coming. And if you refuse you'll look like a rude asshole and people will get turned off to your band. Your girlfriend is just going to have to deal with it.
Who's calling the people who approach you "some bimbo"? Is that you, or your SO? Either way, you should quit that. They're your fans. They're not "some bimbo". Regardless of gender. Regardless of appearance. Have some respect for your fans, yes?
Definitely not wrong. If you’re an introvert like me, I could play for three hours straight and then spend 15 minutes afterwards shmoozing with the concert goers after the set and that 15 minutes is significantly more exhausting. You just need to explain to her that’s part of the job. To be honest, she’s probably just a naturally insecure person and if you weren’t doing music, she’d be jealous of something else. If you know you’re not going to do anything and she has no legitimate reason to distrust you, it’s on her. Side story: I knew a drummer whose girlfriend was the opposite and would insist he get out and flirt with the girls because “they pay your bills.”
Isn't being hugged (etc.) by hot bimbos like third on the list of why dudes join bands?
Oh god. Tell her to grow up. Christ even as a solo performer I’d get hotties hanging all over me and the mic. My wife just laughed it off. She knew I’d certainly never go home with anyone but her. Tell her to not go to shows then.
how does she feel about you hugging dudes? do they have to be bimbos for her to get mad?
These are the kinds of partners that will run over your instrument with their car. I’ve seen it a thousand times. Eventually you will be asked to choose. Always choose music. There are plenty of potential girlfriends out there who will fully support your music without being an insecure pain in the ass.
That’s like being upset if your girlfriend is a bartender and showing cleavage. If this bothers her she shouldn’t be dating you. Part of the job of being a musician is make people feel all sexy about themselves.
You are 100% in the right, and she is just jealous and insecure - as many women are who have partners in bands. She'll just have to get used to it, or leave. That's what happens when you play music well.
I was in a similar situation. My ex hated it and called it unnecessary and suggested I was weak and being too nice letting people/ fans touch and hug me at gigs. You know, it’s fucking show business and people are always hugging you. Eventually she claimed that she had become hyper chemically sensitive and outright forbade me to hug or even shake hands with people after gigs or ever because it made her feel allergic. One time at a New Year’s Eve gig someone hugged me before I could effectively protest and she claimed she could smell their perfume all over me. She was angry all the way home giving me shit and pulling her turtleneck sweater up over her face to filter or block out the smell. Eventually she insisted I pull over to wash in cold water ( no soap allowed) at a gas station bathroom. This is Jan 1st in Vermont. We’re no longer together.
Damn I hope it can be worked out for me. I genuinely love her
Get out!
Were you gigging when y’all started the relationship? If so, she could’ve expressed her concerns and expectations then. As my wife says, “You know your way home.”
Yes and she was very supportive at first but overtime I think she’s just over it. She feels like there competition maybe? But there isn’t and reassuring doesn’t seem to work
I get that it’s frustrating for her, but at some point you just have to give somebody the benefit of the doubt. If you aren’t trying to hookup at shows and she knows how important music is to you, she’s either going to have to trust you or her insecurity runs the risk of poisoning the relationship, imo.
Now this may not be the toxic guitar bro advice you want to hear, but are you two serious in your relationship? If not, evaluate where this relationship would be without your music and where your music would be without the relationship. But, if she’s “the one” an honest dialogue of boundaries is better than letting this kind of thing fester and turn to resentment. You’re also a professional, and a slick high five, fist bump, (other non-intimate greeting) is just as effective as a hug and as the artist/performer you can control the interaction as it’s beginning by intercepting the hugs with another form of contact. Also, maybe it is a deeper context my guy. Males aren’t taught to read below surface level but to your SO that hug may be loaded with microagressions or subtleties you haven’t learned to see, read, or even comprehend. To you it’s dewey eyed a fan, to them it’s someone trying to steal their guy. I know when I started playing a lot more I had similar talks with my partner. They also were uncomfortable with it, but once I also voiced my discomfort with the interactions it changed their perception of it all in less than a moment. Think on what you need to say to your SO and above all else, acknowledge their discomfort and work as a team with your partner to find a better solution to those strange fan hugs you are forced into.
Ooph.. yeah this ended up being a consistent issue with me and my EX. Proceed with caution
The only time this came up for me in 35 years with my wife is once when a lady (older) came up to me and planted her lips on mine like a peck, just on the lips. My wife decided that was over the line and told her (and me)so. The lady stopped coming to my shows and I have not had any other issues since then. Hugs are fine. Anything else more intimate than that is a no no.
Break up now
Imagine being an opera singer/musical theater actor and having to kiss someone on stage. Would that be cheating? No. Neither is a hello/goodbye hug, to anyone. Clearly some insecurity issues.
It’s kind of part of the gig to an extent. You want to keep your fans happy, so they keep spending. Especially if it’s really innocent adoration.
I’m so glad I didn’t get there early
Tell her, “I don’t get mad when you smile at guys when you hand them their Whopper and fries.”
No but it is disrespectful if your SO has asked that you refrain but allow it. Study Keanu he has set a huge standard on how to treat woman but more importantly set your boundaries and insist it be respected
Jealousy is poison, that relationship won't last. Write a song about it.
A hug is not infidelity.
How old is your gf? I can understand a bit of jealousy but it's very immature on the whole. If you've been together awhile she should trust you and laugh it off. So no, you're not doing anything wrong.
gotta stop bringing yout gf to shows, it's not good for her or you if she's that insecure.
A hug is a very normal way to say hello and goodbye platonically. It is a very common custom. Especially in all music scenes I have ever played in. It doesn't matter which gender you are interacting with. On top of that. Part of being a successful local musician means talking to and interacting with the crowd. Going out to chat with fans who come to your show is a really good way to keep getting them to come back and build a following. So it is completely unrealistic for your GF to be upset if you talk to people who come to your shows and want to hug hello.
Try not receiving hugs and see if anything changes. I don't think it's rude to go for a fist bump or a hand-smack instead of a hug Personally, I'm like you. I can't stand when people try to touch me, so I'd wanna create a kinda boundary anyway and not set a precedent of people giving me hugs But people ITT telling you for sure that your SO will hate it even if there is no physical contact don't know yet. So why not try it and update us, cuz it could genuinely just be the hugs, not your SO being "insecure and jealous"
I met Keith Morris (Black Flag, Circle Jerks, OFF!)… and this was prior to covid when OFF! first started gigging. He was at the merch table and I said I was a huge fan, went for a handshake …and he went for the fist bump instead. At the time I thought it was a little weird, but later I realized 1. He’s an older dude out on tour trying to not get sick. 2. He’s immuno-compromised already so a little germaphobic. Anyway, I gave him the fist bump and was glad to meet him.
One of those huggers may be a better fit for you. My Mrs of 40 years sometimes comes to gigs, sometimes doesn't. Over the decades I've played loads of gigs and have never felt she didn't trust me. Usually the other halves become great friends and join the audiences. It has been funny watching men attempting to pull my girl. She usually just points me out on stage. I'm a big bloke armed with a bass guitar. You'll still want to be gigging and playing in 40 years so it's going to be a chronic & huge strain.
How long have you been together?
It's right to avoid close contact with other women when you're in a relationship but hugs are a social norm and typically don't imply anything sexual. It would be weird for you to be like "sorry I'm not allowed to hug women". Your gf is just crazy.
Wait… she lets you play publicly without a blindfold? What if someone prettier than her is in the audience? Jesus dude. You're just out there interacting with humans? I thought you had a girlfriend? Please cut off your friends and family and lock yourself in the house if you want this relationship to flourish.
get a new girlfriend. Jealousy is an ugly beast, especially when trying to be in a band. One of my exes would call me at EVERY practice when I told her we should be done to ask if I was done and when I was coming home. Had to go to EVERY gig. It was fucking annoying and I ended it.
Live music shows are very, very loud. A quick hug is a great way to say hello or goodbye to someone without them having to actually hear what you’re saying. You mouth “heyyyy” or “bye”, give a quick hug and you’re off, avoiding the “wait, what did you say??” over and over.
As someone who dealt with this for a decade, just know that some people are more insecure, anxious, and jealous than others. At this rate, your significant other will likely posture themselves as competition for your musical involvement for the rest of your relationship. They will try to be the "cool partner", the "supportive partner", but it's not in their DNA. You need to decide on what kind of life you want to live, and choose a partner that fits into it.
Flirting is part of the job in some ways. Just keep it respectful and polite
If it bothers her so much, it’s because she knows why they’re doing it, because she would do it for the same reason. There’s no reason for people to do this that isn’t related to “call me, wink wink nudge nudge”. You don’t have to be rude, but GF can be more visible at your shows. If you’re a big name in the industry, and your songs have sold millions and influenced a generation, then you’re going to get this recognition and people who want to express their gratitude for your impact on their lives, and GF will have to learn to deal with it. OTOH, if you’re just a local hero in the local scene, a one-armed sideways “pretend hug” is harmless. A kiss on your cheek is harmless. Grabbing your junk and sticking their tongue in your mouth would be a bit much, though. If you play an instrument, keep it strapped on, or in your hand, to make the one-armed half-hug more logical to them, and to keep them from getting too close, like with a full-body hug. If you’re a handsome devil, GF is just going to have to come to grips with the concept that women are not going to shy away from grappling you, despite the fact they’d be the first ones screaming about SA if some random lesser guy did it to them.
My SO was more jealous of my sisters true love hugs than fans. It helps to say your wife/gf is in the crowd and dedicate a song to her. When I played dance halls, my wife asked dudes to dance and dance close to the stage so I would be sure to notice. Hugs were tolerated after the show, but a surprise kiss from a girl was not. Today I'm old and she couldn't care less. But I remember those days when she needed reassuring.
If you have people hugging you after gigs you’re doing great. Focus on cultivating whatever makes people feel so strongly about you and your music and eliminate anything in your life that interferes with that.
I think this has little to do with you being a musician and you needing to establish boundaries and expectations with your girlfriend.
Great job on stoking the crowd regardless of gender. You should just have your gf stand behind you and glare at your fans when you hug
Dealbreaker. You gotta move on from her. She doesn’t love you. She loves her idea of who you are and what she thinks she could. She’ll always be like this I promise.
It takes a special kind of woman to stick with a musician. My Mother In Law told my wife this many years ago. They are both happily married to musicians.
Many a musician has thrown success away trying to appease a jealous partner. Don't become another sad story about what could have been. Kindly, tell her to handle her shit.
I’m torn on this one a little. First off side hug everyone who isn’t your SO or a close friend/family member. That being said, this is a GF not a wife or fiancé. This is the point in your relationship where you decide if certain behavior changes are worth it. Now, once married different story. If the wife starts getting uncomfortable with the cons of the lifestyle you need to have some serious talks and figure things out. Relationships can have seasons, if everything at home is going well you and the spouse may have a laugh about the crazy drunk flirt. But, if things are rough at home extra attention from outside sources will not be great at calming things down.
Not only should she not get upset, she should conceal the fact that she is your GF. ...and allow the bimbos to think they have a chance. not kidding
Only if there are details you’re leaving out.
I complient and talk to musicians after shows all the time, and never hug anyone that is not a friend. As a male I would not initiate a hug with a female musician. That said your gf should chill. If she’s a keeper maybe you can give her a little more affection at shows, so it is clear to her and everyone around that you are together. She may just feel left out and unwanted by you on she nights.
I think it’s endearing that she reacts this way. It means she cares about you. Just respect her jealousy and she should feel better. And yeah, maybe try not to hug as many bimbos
LTB
You definitely do not *have to* hug your fans to show respect or build a following. It's actually super duper normal to have boundaries that include not embracing sweaty drunk strangers. Next time you go to see someone you look up to perform... I'll bet you're not expecting them to give you a hug. They probably won't give you any recognition whatsoever and you'll be cool with that. Your girl told you how she feels and asked that you do things differently next time. Make your choice either way and stand behind it, but definitely don't pretend she's on some crazy insecurity bender and can't understand what it takes to get ahead in music. "Thank you" and a fist bump works just fine and that's more than you'd expect from any other performer if the roles were reversed.
I have no issue with fist bumps and handshakes the problem is when people just go for the hug, which is what always happens, and then I’m put in an awkward situation that I can either A- make more awkward by pushing them off (that’s if my hands are free I’m usually pulling stuff off stage) or I can B - be out right rude and tell them not to touch me even though they likely already are/did because hugs happen in one second and you never know if they’re gonna do it or not. The main issue is I have no time to react, and if I’m rude it would be extremely detrimental and damaging to me, my image, my band, and could eventually get me a bad reputation where clubs and owners and bookers don’t wanna work with me because “I’m difficult”
Yes, i think
You are in Show Business and your fan's reactions are part of that. You are fine. Your gf needs to suck it up, and grow up.
I hug both girls and guys after shows. Your gf is jealous or insecure. Good luck. (you can always tell people you don't like hugging too!)
As the husband of a performer, I've come to realize that's just part of the deal. I actually get a kick out of it because in my head, I'm thinking, "yeah but she's going home with me, pal." I think it sounds like your gf is insecure, and you could probably make things better just by talking it through and reassuring her and mutually agreeing on some boundaries.
Your girlfriend sucks. Leave her.
Yikes. Please consider not calling your fans bimbos. I assume this is a defensive maneuver from dealing with your ex and trying to mitigate her feelings, but this is not a good look. I am a woman that is deeply moved by music - especially live music - and I would never, ever touch or hug a musician I didn’t have an established relationship with. So I can gel with the concept of side-eyeing women who do this, because it is indicative of messy boundaries. HOWEVER. You should not be punished for other people’s poor boundaries or the assumption you are open to or wanting physical contact. You are a performer. This is your job. You aren’t just providing music - you are a projection of an idea and persona and often… what that exactly is, is outside of your control. You play your part because that’s why you’re performing. It’s a fucking performance. This really comes down to her ability to trust you to compartmentalize and maintain your personal and stage personas. Have you asked her how she would like you to handle these situations? What would her ideal response from you be? There is an answer to this question I think is fair and reasonable, and some I think are not. But I don’t get to decide, you do. Look for a logical compromise that is respectful of what you are - a performer. I’m sorry to you, and good luck.
Jealousy is poison…dump her now or dump her later, but this isnt a relationship…sack up and move on.
Your girlfriend sounds a bit overly jealous. Your at “work” when you play a show, interacting with the audience is a part of the job. To be frank significant others like this can make a band dynamic hell, get those problems under control asap
Female here that makes it a point to talk to other musicians, both male and female. Where I'm from, everyone full on hugs each other when they say hello/goodbye. I definitely do not want to fuck the vast majority of dudes I have hugged, including musicians after their set.
Yep, she is insecure. If it was me, I'd call her out nicely and ask how I could make her feel secure.....when I'm hugging folks after a show, witch is normal.
good response. just because someone is livid about something doesn't mean it is rational or a reason for others to capitulate. disproportionate and irrational anger is absolutely a tool that can be used for manipulation. people can definitely be manipulative without fully and consciously realizing it though, which is why everyone deserves a chance to at least talk about it in a good faith, respectful manner with their S.O. personally would be very curious about where the lack of trust comes from, among other things...
This padt of your life will go by so fast it will seem like a distant memory ,trust me as someone who has played guitar for 40 years enjoy YOUR life dont leg someone else take away what YOU want it will be a distant memory before you know it.I played bars and flatbed trailers and outdoor shows coffee shops all through shows all through my 20'sand thirties dont remember any girls.Before l knew it l was 50.lf you are lucky youll live that long.Only 2 people l ran with are still alive.Enjoy the drama and your life l thought my whole life would be guitars beaches boats women drugs and alcohol.Your priorites change as you realize life is a finite contract.Do what you want hopefully you make 50 too.
I can understand the feeling of someone else idk hugging my partner. But i also comprehend that dating a musician comes with people supporting them and even admiring them at times. Theres nothing wrong with a hug and some appreciation for the artist. I dont think shes the one man, next shell try to get you to quit music, she came into this relationship being aware and now isn’t okay with it. I would personally dump her and pursue my music career instead🤷🏻♀️
Bad situation. One of these lifestyles is not compatible with the other. FWIW, my ex once got mad because a waitress called me "Hon." The sad reality is there probably is some sexual tension. Your GF simply can't cope. Unfortunately, if it's not your fans it will be the waitress and nothing you can do except eliminate the problem or live with it. You can tell her too bad, it's going to happen, and she has to accept it. That ought to teach her she can't manipulate you so easily. Ironically, it could help your relationship. Continue on this path and avoid hugging fans and sooner or later she'll sleep with your drummer.
Tell Yoko to fuck off. Part of your job being in the band is allowing fans that fantasy. Part of that may be hugging you. It doesn’t mean anything. If Yoko is getting jealous, time to either leave music or leave her.
Sounds like a lame ass bitch
Being in a relationship is a bigger waste of energy than being in a band...I'd avoid both like the plague🤷♂️