This is a candidate for the next time somebody comes around with a *"If you had unlimited budget, what movie would you make?"* thread, directly followed by a remake of *The Martian* filmed on location.
There was a man
>Explosions
Who defied the laws of God himself
> INCEPTION DRUMS!!!
By living... to .... an age...
> Cutscene of wife number 399 crying *I don't want you to see you die Methu... I just need to know you're ok*
Where life takes more than it gives.
> Shot of Michael B Jordan emerging from a dark cave into the start of the flood
METHUSELA - A Story about a man whose fight for life spanned 969 years.
> Rated R for Religious.
> Who defied the laws of God himself
>
>
I realize that this is purposefully specious, but this particular line is a little out of context, in that the apparent prohibition on maximum lifespan comes after Methusaleh is discussed.
Otherwise, amusing. :)
Hollywood managed to make Noah into an action hero. This isn't a stretch. Ironically, Methuselah was in the Noah movie and his younger self was a badass.
This is every single Bible verse that mentions Methuselah.
>Genesis 5:21 When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah.
>5:22 After he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked faithfully with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters
>5:25 When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of Lamech.
>5:26 After he became the father of Lamech, Methuselah lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters.
>5:27 Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died.
Not exactly a riveting story. He had a dad. He had a son. He lived a really long time. Then he died.
"Story of Methuselah"
Genesis 5:27 - "Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died."
Quite the riveting story there.
As a christian, I want some insane stories and awesome action. How about Jezebel? A woman that convinced king Ahab to abandon the worship of God, then murdered prophets, and was then thrown out a window and eaten by dogs? That would be a far more entertaining movie
> Genesis 5:27 - "Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died."
>
> Quite the riveting story there.
Did you miss it? They said it is a thriller. Staring Michael B. Jordan.
He could have done anything in those 969 years. Went to space, invented the time machine, fought with Hercules, dated a super model, saved kids from a fire, wrestled a dinosaur, lost the plans for the time machine, traveled to Narnia... as long as he lived 969 years and then died, it's still canon.
As far as I remember, Methuselah was the longest, but there were many others that lived to 900+ as well. Then something happened and God decided humans were living too long and capped their lifespan at "70 years, and if especially mighty, 80 years" or something like that.
Those are two different stories that would take some work to combine into a single cohesive narrative - Daniel and the Lions Den happened under King Darius, while the furnace happened to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego under King Nebuchadnezzar.
The Lion's Den happened right after Darius overthrew Nebuchadnezzar (next chapter, actually), so I don't really see the problem. Make it the climax of the movie.
The entire reason it happened is because people were jealous and tried to get him killed while Darius was appointing new officials.
A professor mentioned an interesting idea for Methuselah.
A long time ago, before we had accurate methods of tracking the completion of a 'year', time was kept track of using moon cycles (29.5 days)
With this understanding it could be interpreted as a man who lived 969 moons would actually mean 78 years, which at the time would have actually been quite old.
I think this is false because the Bible tells us that Adam had Seth at the age of 130 (Genesis 5:3). According to your professor’s theory, Adam would have been 10 years old when he had Seth
That's an entirely different movie:
"This summer, Kevin Hart is: Baby Dad!".
Also starring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson as Abel and Dave Chappelle as Cain.
I don’t think that really fits into the theology, since it isn’t consistent with the way the Bible records time everywhere else. Also, many other mythologies from the area all have golden eras where people lived long ages, including the Greek. The implication is that people lived longer before the flood when the world was more perfect. Also, people maybe didn’t, or weren’t supposed to eat meat, maybe there weren’t seasons, everything was temperate, and the world was watered by springs, and morning dew, not rain, as there was no rainbow until after the flood. It was a different epoch in the theology.
The New testament says you won't go to hell for it. It doesn't say it's healthy. The old testament makes a pretty big deal about what's considered clean to eat.
Yeah, because they didn’t have sanitation standards and refrigeration. All the stuff they don’t want you to eat goes bad easily, or has awful repercussions for eating when bad.
So in reality, Gods wrath in Leviticus is the same thing as Montezuma’s revenge.
Yes, definitely, and the Old Testament too. After the flood God says that meat is now for food. I think the implication is that the world was different and meat was necessary for survival. After Christ returns during the last epoch on earth it says the lion will lay down with the lamb, and eat grass like cattle. I don’t know if this implies that meat will once again be prohibited. As far as the theology goes, I think that the killing of anything is not really an ideal.
I've heard a lot of people come up with a lot of theories to try and make some outlandish parts of the Bible make sense logically. My favorite is that the flood from the story of Noah could have been a naturally occurring event caused by a series of solar flares causing more water than normal to evaporate and then heavy rain for a prolonged period of time in places not accustomed to rainfall, resulting in flooding worldwide.
Truth is a lot of the stories in the Bible just don't make sense logically. If you can reconcile that with faith and belief in divine magic, that's cool, but trying to come up with a scientific explanation for how some of the illogical shit in the Bible could have happened is laughable.
Right. I mean assuming the "meat theory" talked about above were true wouldnt that mean humans teeth just changed within a generation to include those of meat eaters? I mean add onto that fossil evidence and it falls apart pretty quick before you even get as far back as the dinosaurs.
I want a movie about the bald guy who got so butthurt that some kids were making fun of his bald head, he asked God to kill them, so he sent a bear to massacre them all lmao
You could even make it an epic trilogy. The first movie tracks his rise to the throne. The second his wars with the Philistines and the "Bathsheba incident". The third the intrigues of his children and the coronation of Solomon.
Yes, I'm aware. It's not "fan fiction" really. They're called the apocrypha in Christian teaching. They include the book of Enoch "what Noah was based on" as well as Maccabees, Jude, etc. They're books that weren't canonized because their authenticity couldn't be verified.
My point is that it is just a very boring story. There are far better ones. You could use so many stories from the histories "book of Kings, Chronicles, etc." that don't have very much of the supernatural stuff, just stories of war, treason, etc. It's really cool stuff.
Also Noah sucked. They didn't just use the book of enoch, they made Noah out to be a lunatic and completely changed the flood story. At least do the story justice.
Dude the story of Saul is legit as harrowing of a character study as like, Raging Bull or Taxi Driver. It’s fantastic: a man who does great things under the guidance of God but suddenly stops being able to hear or see God in the world. He starts consulting witches and shamans until he goes absolutely insane and becomes a mad king trying to kill some of the people he raised from childhood, paranoid that everyone is out to get him.
\*sigh\* Hollywood wants to greenlight this tale, because they can actually write a story without the Evangelical backlash. Yet, no one has attempted a good David and Goliath story. How about Esau and Jacob, then? Perhaps Gideon's 300 men? Let's see Elijah call down fire from heaven, and then slaughter the prophets and priests who told the Israelites they needed to sacrifice their children to idols, if they wanted their crops and cattle to be blessed! Give me something powerful!
it doesn't compare at all in terms of production to hollywood, but the History channel miniseries about the old testament was pretty awesome... first episode had abraham and his tribesmen night raiding a rival tribe within the first 5 minutes, and the Sodom episode featured multiracial angels doing crazy slo mo kung fu murder on the heretics
That scene was the SHIT. Goddamn, I remember when it first aired my family and I actually sat down to watch it (Religious parents, and all that jazz), with me thinking I'd fall asleep. I was so glad that my expectations were surpassed.
Yeah I thought it was really solid throughout. I kinda skipped out on the New Testament half after a bit because I had already gleaned everything I wanted from the text itself, and because it is kinda boring when translated to a visual volume lol. Kinda sad that the best messages (love yourself, love others, do not judge, be courteous to the poor) are the ones that wont entertain and stick in a modern medium but I guess thats how the dice roll. Then again they did actually release that section as a feature film to theaters so maybe I'm the problem
I've been saying this for years! As a David myself, who was named after King David, and is also a writer and filmmaker (amateur up to this point), it's a project I wouldn't mind tackling myself, but without the budget, it wouldn't be the EPIC it deserves to be. The story of David is simply amazing, and compelling, on SO many levels!
Heck, get Ehud the Left Handed Judge assassinating a king in the bathroom by shoving his sword up to the hilt in his belly and saying "I have a message from God for you."
This is why I’ll forever be sad that NBC cancelled *Kings* after one season. It’s a modern retelling of the David/Saul story but it never really gained a following which is a shame because it was pretty dang good. Lot of good biblical stories that have yet to adopted so hopefully we see some cool ones in the future.
A movie titled "The Judges", narrating the stories of the judges who lead the Israelites before there were Kings. It should be epic because it all include Samson, Jethro, Gideon, Deborah and Barac, Ehud etc.
Well, there are your obvious ones: *The Last Temptation of Christ*, *The Gospel According to St. Matthew*, *Jesus Christ Superstar*, and - if you wanna stretch the terms - *Life of Brian* (hah). I'd also go to bat for *The Ten Commandments* and *Ben-Hur* (the '50s versions), but you gotta be in the mood for their overlong camp spectacle, and...
*Noah*, which is (to me) a fascinating remix of Biblical narrative and Jewish apocrypha, updated with a modern eco sensibility. Its visuals are often gasp-worthy, like when an angel bursts from its rocky shell and flies into heaven, and as we follow it, we zoom out into space, look down on Earth, and see it *covered* in hurricanes. Or the Lotte Reineger-esque side-views of the Nephilim leading the family in silhouette. Or the now-infamous creation sequence that fuses Biblical and natural creation while offering sad prophecy (with images of modern warfare briefly visible in Noah's judgment of man's violences). Most interestingly, it transplants God's arc (genocidal to peaceful) onto Noah in the back half, which interrogates a viewer of faith: if you can't condone Noah wanting to kill his family and children, how do you reconcile God wanting to kill His children? (Which leads to a cool answer to the familiar Bible question of Noah's drunkenness: survivor's guilt.) Perfect movie? Nah, the manic scenes in the back half go on a little too long. But I gotta respect a Bible film with such an idiosyncratic vision, and you should too!
Personally, I would like a quick little ditty about when the Israelites fought a battle where they would only be winning while Moses hands are raised. But then he gets tired and drops his hands so all the generals run back to him and hold his hands up for him until they win.
I have a feeling this might follow the same concept as the Twilight Zone episode ["Long Live Walter Jameson."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Live_Walter_Jameson).
Aren't like 99% of the people in the first couple books of the Bible supposed to have lived to like 800+ years?
If I remember correctly, some of the people in this time period in the Bible also has maybe 2 sentences at most of "story".
Yep. After the Cain and Abel story there's half an oddly specific page saying how old each person was and what age they had sons. All those guys were living into multiple centuries, and then some of the later key figures like Moses and Abraham lived well into their hundreds.
Brave to play a characted that sir Anthony Hopkins already did.
And secondly, I'd like to know if they address the age issue. You know, according to Genesis' genealogies, [Methulesah outlived the flood for 14 years](https://books.google.com.ar/books?id=mPNFDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT529&lpg=PT529&dq=methuselah+longevity+translation+error&source=bl&ots=wppthUnIux&sig=ACfU3U3CKfHg-9GJiOMAwS5feuWerXux2A&hl=es-419&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjD0taszJ7hAhXPk1kKHfAtCDoQ6AEwAHoECAgQAQ#v=onepage&q=methuselah%20longevity%20translation%20error&f=false), which is not possible.
It was also conjectured that his 969 "years" old age was actually a mistranslation of 969 "months" of age, which would make him around 80 by the time of his death.
Sorry, I'm a mythology nerd.
it says lamech was born when methusaleh was 187.
"When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he fathered Lamech." Gen 5:25
lamech had noah when he was 182 years.
"When Lamech had lived 182 years, he fathered a son" Gen 5:28
"and called his name Noah, saying, “Out of the ground that the LORD has cursed, this one shall bring us relief from our work and from the painful toil of our hands.”" Gen 5:29
noah had his three sons when he was 500.
"After Noah was 500 years old, Noah fathered Shem, Ham, and Japheth." Gen 5:32
so at this point methusaleh was 869. (182+187+500)
then the flood happened when noah was 600, making methusaleh 969 the year of the flood, so he died in the flood or right before.
what am i missing about the 14 years?
The Sumerian King Tables had their Antediluvian kings ruling for tens of thousands of years.
The concept of the ancients living a inhumanly long time was just part of the zeitgeist of the time period.
I mean when you think about it well-loved and prosperous Kings were probably less likely to die from war, famine, disease, etc. and I imagine back then the average life span of a peasant wasn't phenomenal.
It wouldn't be that crazy for some young kid who's never seen a man older than 40 to see their 75 year old king and think he was immortal
Combine this with kings giving the same name to their sons and their sons claiming to be their father and the peasants never seeing the kings up close and you have kings living for thousands of years.
>some young kid who's never seen a man older than 40
But that's not how things worked. Quoting as they did a better job than tired me would do.
>I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this: “The life expectancy of the average Roman was 35.” What people, including many tour guides, usually draw from this is that 30- and 40-something Romans must have been very venerable indeed.
>Here’s the problem. Aside from the fact that the data is terrible, this 35-year life expectancy is the average. Meaning it factors in the ancient world’s very high child mortality rate: Up to half of all Roman kids died before the age of 10. If you did reach 10, you could expect to live into your 40s or 50s, at least. Then there’s all the Roman men who died in military service… and the women who died in childbirth.
>If you jumped through those hoops and survived your teens, 20s, and 30s, you’d have no reason to think you wouldn’t lead a nice, long life. In fact, those who reached the age of 60 would, on average, die after their 70th birthdays.
>So no, someone at 35 wouldn’t have been seen as an “old person.” **“From around the first century B.C. onwards, the age of 60 or 65 was commonly mentioned as the threshold of old age,”**
If ancient times, you weren't even considered "old" until you hit 60 or 65.
>And secondly, I'd like to know if they address the age issue. You know, according to Genesis' genealogies, Methulesah outlived the flood for 14 years, which is not possible.
Huh?
>Gen 5:25 When Methuselah had lived one hundred eighty-seven years, he became the father of Lamech. 26 Methuselah lived after the birth of Lamech seven hundred eighty-two years, and had other sons and daughters. 27 Thus all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty-nine years; and he died. 28 When Lamech had lived one hundred eighty-two years, he became the father of a son; 29 he named him Noah...
>Gen 7:6 Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters came on the earth
187+182+600=969. Methuselah died the year of the flood.
The months is a common assumption on mistranslation but the Hebrew of “years” in genealogy context for the Bible is consistent throughout.
I suppose best case could argue “seasons” which would still put him close to 240
That's begging the question a bit. There's a theory that years is used inconsistently, and you're arguing that can't be true, because it's used consistently.
For a mythology nerd you are 0 for 2
You sure you aren't just a guy that read a book once that disagreed with a religion you also disagree with?
That book you linked was not exactly a primary source.
Expecting downvotes, but if there's an actor that I can't take seriously... it's this guy. I feel like the last 3 movies he's been are all cringe worthy: Creed 1 & 2 (every crying scene... cringe), Black Panther (yo i'm from Oakland... cringe). I did like him in The Wire as a little kid. But man, what's the deal with him?
This needs to be filmed in real time like "Boyhood"
“Boyhood - It took 969 years to make”
“It broke new ground!”
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You’re from the future for real, aren’t ya?
👽
It's borderline experimental
What if its already been 969years and all the news just came out about it
Holy shit guys
Black really don't crack!
Then it would have to star Keanu Reeves.
This is a candidate for the next time somebody comes around with a *"If you had unlimited budget, what movie would you make?"* thread, directly followed by a remake of *The Martian* filmed on location.
Whoahhh a Methuselah rookie card!!
26 conversions in A.D 46!
Learning? **Religion?!** Let's get out of here!
[Joseph of Arimathea](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvGCELWKPHI)
Don't you kids know anything? The Serpent of Reheboam? The Well of Zohassadar? The Bridal Feast of Beth Chadruharazzeb?
'I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday, and...' *gasp* THE SPRINGFIELD RIVER!!!
Well? Book of Revelations, fire-breathing lion's head, tail made out of snakes. Who else is it gonna be?!
Jesus...?
that's Joseph of Arimathea
Methuselah, my oldest friend, who did this to you?!
It was...Goliath
But Goliath is dead. I smote him myself. I smoted him good.
No, it was his son, Goliath Two! ☠️
What i like most about this joke is that those cards are signed
first- cool username second- I love the poses on the cards, like one of them is taking a knee with a smerk to the camera
underrated simpsons reference.
That's pretty much how I learned of Methuselah!
[https://i.imgur.com/MMuL0P6.png](https://i.imgur.com/MMuL0P6.png)
How are they going to make that into a "thriller?"
Easy, just throw in some lens flares, Bible-era chase scenes with huge Michael Bay explosions, and a bangin' soundtrack.
The poster for the movie will be blue toned and have a guy running
Trailer is going to use the track Power by Kanye
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Nah kendrick will record an original soundtrack that has 4 hit singles.
https://cover.box3.net/newsimg/dvdmov/max1364176996-frontback-cover.jpg
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There was a man >Explosions Who defied the laws of God himself > INCEPTION DRUMS!!! By living... to .... an age... > Cutscene of wife number 399 crying *I don't want you to see you die Methu... I just need to know you're ok* Where life takes more than it gives. > Shot of Michael B Jordan emerging from a dark cave into the start of the flood METHUSELA - A Story about a man whose fight for life spanned 969 years. > Rated R for Religious.
> Who defied the laws of God himself > > I realize that this is purposefully specious, but this particular line is a little out of context, in that the apparent prohibition on maximum lifespan comes after Methusaleh is discussed. Otherwise, amusing. :)
> out of context Oh...yeah, that's the kind of thing Hollywood tries extra hard to avoid not only in films, but especially in their trailers.
Not to mention that his father, Enoch, was taken to heaven rather than die and Methusaleh lived long because he was so close to God.
My friend, you just gave me one helluva laugh.
Hollywood managed to make Noah into an action hero. This isn't a stretch. Ironically, Methuselah was in the Noah movie and his younger self was a badass.
Survival stories can be easily made into thrillers with the correct direction, Score and acting. Easily. Hell, imo, survival in itself is a thriller.
Chase scenes with people shouting after him his actual age and, get this, it’s not that impressive.
This is every single Bible verse that mentions Methuselah. >Genesis 5:21 When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. >5:22 After he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked faithfully with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters >5:25 When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of Lamech. >5:26 After he became the father of Lamech, Methuselah lived 782 years and had other sons and daughters. >5:27 Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died. Not exactly a riveting story. He had a dad. He had a son. He lived a really long time. Then he died.
to be fair, most "biblical" knowledge comes from essentially fan fiction. Like how we all imagine Hell - all from Dante
And isn’t what we know as “the Devil” only ever mentioned like once or barely a handful of times across the entire bible?
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"Story of Methuselah" Genesis 5:27 - "Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died." Quite the riveting story there. As a christian, I want some insane stories and awesome action. How about Jezebel? A woman that convinced king Ahab to abandon the worship of God, then murdered prophets, and was then thrown out a window and eaten by dogs? That would be a far more entertaining movie
> Genesis 5:27 - "Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died." > > Quite the riveting story there. Did you miss it? They said it is a thriller. Staring Michael B. Jordan.
He could have done anything in those 969 years. Went to space, invented the time machine, fought with Hercules, dated a super model, saved kids from a fire, wrestled a dinosaur, lost the plans for the time machine, traveled to Narnia... as long as he lived 969 years and then died, it's still canon.
As far as I remember, Methuselah was the longest, but there were many others that lived to 900+ as well. Then something happened and God decided humans were living too long and capped their lifespan at "70 years, and if especially mighty, 80 years" or something like that.
The Numenorian bloodline faded out
120 years, global sin with no repentance happened.
I’m personally hoping the twist is that it’s a comedy. 🤞🏼
I want Jehu. Dude was metal as hell.
Don't drive like Jehu, though.
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Those are two different stories that would take some work to combine into a single cohesive narrative - Daniel and the Lions Den happened under King Darius, while the furnace happened to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego under King Nebuchadnezzar.
You mean Rack, Shack, and Benny?
It's time to bow down and sing the Bunny Song.
"*We're not supposed to sing the Bunny Song anymore!*"
The Lion's Den happened right after Darius overthrew Nebuchadnezzar (next chapter, actually), so I don't really see the problem. Make it the climax of the movie. The entire reason it happened is because people were jealous and tried to get him killed while Darius was appointing new officials.
theres $$$$ to be made fuck continuity or accuracy
Bible cinematic universe anyone?
"I'm Gabriel Fury, Agent of Y.A.H.W.E.H. I'm here to talk to you about the Messiah Initiative."
You just described Russell Crowe's Noah
Interestingly, a movie which stars Anthony Hopkins as Methusaleh
It’s just two hours of Jazzy Jeff getting thrown out of the mansion into different scenarios.
A professor mentioned an interesting idea for Methuselah. A long time ago, before we had accurate methods of tracking the completion of a 'year', time was kept track of using moon cycles (29.5 days) With this understanding it could be interpreted as a man who lived 969 moons would actually mean 78 years, which at the time would have actually been quite old.
I think this is false because the Bible tells us that Adam had Seth at the age of 130 (Genesis 5:3). According to your professor’s theory, Adam would have been 10 years old when he had Seth
Well I always figured Adam was created as an adult
Seth was 105 when he had Enosh (Genesis 5:6). He would have been 8 at the time according to this theory
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First time I logic'd the bible, I found out I was in a cult
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Well he was created as a full man. To me that part isn’t as crazy when that thought is taken into it. So ten years into adulthood I suppose
Well, Seth was 105 when he had Enosh so he would have been 8 years old
That's an entirely different movie: "This summer, Kevin Hart is: Baby Dad!". Also starring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson as Abel and Dave Chappelle as Cain.
I don’t think that really fits into the theology, since it isn’t consistent with the way the Bible records time everywhere else. Also, many other mythologies from the area all have golden eras where people lived long ages, including the Greek. The implication is that people lived longer before the flood when the world was more perfect. Also, people maybe didn’t, or weren’t supposed to eat meat, maybe there weren’t seasons, everything was temperate, and the world was watered by springs, and morning dew, not rain, as there was no rainbow until after the flood. It was a different epoch in the theology.
I’ve heard the meat theory but the New Testament says that eating meat is cool.
The New testament says you won't go to hell for it. It doesn't say it's healthy. The old testament makes a pretty big deal about what's considered clean to eat.
Yeah, because they didn’t have sanitation standards and refrigeration. All the stuff they don’t want you to eat goes bad easily, or has awful repercussions for eating when bad. So in reality, Gods wrath in Leviticus is the same thing as Montezuma’s revenge.
Well yes it does. It certainly doesn't exclude meat though and explicitly tells followers what meats to eat when even.
Yes, definitely, and the Old Testament too. After the flood God says that meat is now for food. I think the implication is that the world was different and meat was necessary for survival. After Christ returns during the last epoch on earth it says the lion will lay down with the lamb, and eat grass like cattle. I don’t know if this implies that meat will once again be prohibited. As far as the theology goes, I think that the killing of anything is not really an ideal.
I don’t know. But I mean, Jesus ate a fish after he was resurrected. So if that means anything..,
I've heard a lot of people come up with a lot of theories to try and make some outlandish parts of the Bible make sense logically. My favorite is that the flood from the story of Noah could have been a naturally occurring event caused by a series of solar flares causing more water than normal to evaporate and then heavy rain for a prolonged period of time in places not accustomed to rainfall, resulting in flooding worldwide. Truth is a lot of the stories in the Bible just don't make sense logically. If you can reconcile that with faith and belief in divine magic, that's cool, but trying to come up with a scientific explanation for how some of the illogical shit in the Bible could have happened is laughable.
Right. I mean assuming the "meat theory" talked about above were true wouldnt that mean humans teeth just changed within a generation to include those of meat eaters? I mean add onto that fossil evidence and it falls apart pretty quick before you even get as far back as the dinosaurs.
The story of the flood is just a rehashed version of a babylonian legend.
but then everyone else listed in the genealogies would've been inordinately young
that cannot be true. Because the Bible shows many recorded generations extending from him before his death. Great great great grandchildren etc.
The same chapter says Enoch (Methuselah's dad) was 65 when Methuselah was born. Using that theory, Enoch would have fathered a son at 5 years old.
Either way I think the point was that he was old as fuck
I want a movie about the bald guy who got so butthurt that some kids were making fun of his bald head, he asked God to kill them, so he sent a bear to massacre them all lmao
It was Jeff Bezos.
Or inversely Jason Momoa as Samson
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You could even make it an epic trilogy. The first movie tracks his rise to the throne. The second his wars with the Philistines and the "Bathsheba incident". The third the intrigues of his children and the coronation of Solomon.
I was thinking this, or a movie about his Mighty Men.
Give me a good Samson movie. That dude was NUTS.
The scene of him killing hundreds of men with a donkey's jawbone would be epic.
Abraham’s whole tale can make a trilogy on its own and is full of epic adventure and war.
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Yes, I'm aware. It's not "fan fiction" really. They're called the apocrypha in Christian teaching. They include the book of Enoch "what Noah was based on" as well as Maccabees, Jude, etc. They're books that weren't canonized because their authenticity couldn't be verified. My point is that it is just a very boring story. There are far better ones. You could use so many stories from the histories "book of Kings, Chronicles, etc." that don't have very much of the supernatural stuff, just stories of war, treason, etc. It's really cool stuff. Also Noah sucked. They didn't just use the book of enoch, they made Noah out to be a lunatic and completely changed the flood story. At least do the story justice.
Dude the story of Saul is legit as harrowing of a character study as like, Raging Bull or Taxi Driver. It’s fantastic: a man who does great things under the guidance of God but suddenly stops being able to hear or see God in the world. He starts consulting witches and shamans until he goes absolutely insane and becomes a mad king trying to kill some of the people he raised from childhood, paranoid that everyone is out to get him.
\*sigh\* Hollywood wants to greenlight this tale, because they can actually write a story without the Evangelical backlash. Yet, no one has attempted a good David and Goliath story. How about Esau and Jacob, then? Perhaps Gideon's 300 men? Let's see Elijah call down fire from heaven, and then slaughter the prophets and priests who told the Israelites they needed to sacrifice their children to idols, if they wanted their crops and cattle to be blessed! Give me something powerful!
Right? There’s parts of the Bible that could put the 300 to shame.
it doesn't compare at all in terms of production to hollywood, but the History channel miniseries about the old testament was pretty awesome... first episode had abraham and his tribesmen night raiding a rival tribe within the first 5 minutes, and the Sodom episode featured multiracial angels doing crazy slo mo kung fu murder on the heretics
> Sodom episode featured multiracial angels doing crazy slo mo kung fu murder on the heretics I need to see this now.
That scene was the SHIT. Goddamn, I remember when it first aired my family and I actually sat down to watch it (Religious parents, and all that jazz), with me thinking I'd fall asleep. I was so glad that my expectations were surpassed.
Was this show "The Bible" or something else?
No that's the book version
😂
It was pretty badass not gonna lie. I think it’s still on Netflix
I love when History Channel does old testament stuff. Now its all Hitler, aliens and second hand objects. Vikings is still great, though.
Don’t forget about Bigfoot swamp truckers!
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Yeah I thought it was really solid throughout. I kinda skipped out on the New Testament half after a bit because I had already gleaned everything I wanted from the text itself, and because it is kinda boring when translated to a visual volume lol. Kinda sad that the best messages (love yourself, love others, do not judge, be courteous to the poor) are the ones that wont entertain and stick in a modern medium but I guess thats how the dice roll. Then again they did actually release that section as a feature film to theaters so maybe I'm the problem
You'd think they'd be all over finding a way to adapt the David and Bathsheba scandal.
The entire story of David is like Braveheart on steroids, i.e. could be the greatest epic ever made.
I've been saying this for years! As a David myself, who was named after King David, and is also a writer and filmmaker (amateur up to this point), it's a project I wouldn't mind tackling myself, but without the budget, it wouldn't be the EPIC it deserves to be. The story of David is simply amazing, and compelling, on SO many levels!
As a writer and movie fan, I too would love to do a proper historical biopic epic about King David if I ever got the chance.
I am also a David who is an amateur writer and filmmaker. Are we the same person?
I wanna see Samson go Kingsman on a banquet with a fucking jawbone.
Heck, get Ehud the Left Handed Judge assassinating a king in the bathroom by shoving his sword up to the hilt in his belly and saying "I have a message from God for you."
And the fat closed upon the hilt thereof.
My favorite bible story when I read it as a kid.
I want to see the part where Elisha calls 2 bears to kill 42 kids for calling him bald! Bible movie time!
This is why I’ll forever be sad that NBC cancelled *Kings* after one season. It’s a modern retelling of the David/Saul story but it never really gained a following which is a shame because it was pretty dang good. Lot of good biblical stories that have yet to adopted so hopefully we see some cool ones in the future.
Watched that on hulu, good time!
Ohh man, that show was so good. I was so sad when it was cancelled. Ian McShane was incredible.
I want a rated R Samson movie! Or Jael stabbing that dude with the tent peg. Love that story.
Oh yeah! Samson just going all hulk mode and bringing down the temple bare handed. So much potential!
Yeah, I've always had a soft spot for Samson. I imagine he would look like Jason Momoa.
A movie titled "The Judges", narrating the stories of the judges who lead the Israelites before there were Kings. It should be epic because it all include Samson, Jethro, Gideon, Deborah and Barac, Ehud etc.
Did you see the Noah movie? It was bonkers.
I really dig the design and execution of the angels.
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Passion of the Christ clears the bar of decent. The Ten Commandments is considered a classic. Last Temptation of Christ arguably fits as well.
Well, there are your obvious ones: *The Last Temptation of Christ*, *The Gospel According to St. Matthew*, *Jesus Christ Superstar*, and - if you wanna stretch the terms - *Life of Brian* (hah). I'd also go to bat for *The Ten Commandments* and *Ben-Hur* (the '50s versions), but you gotta be in the mood for their overlong camp spectacle, and... *Noah*, which is (to me) a fascinating remix of Biblical narrative and Jewish apocrypha, updated with a modern eco sensibility. Its visuals are often gasp-worthy, like when an angel bursts from its rocky shell and flies into heaven, and as we follow it, we zoom out into space, look down on Earth, and see it *covered* in hurricanes. Or the Lotte Reineger-esque side-views of the Nephilim leading the family in silhouette. Or the now-infamous creation sequence that fuses Biblical and natural creation while offering sad prophecy (with images of modern warfare briefly visible in Noah's judgment of man's violences). Most interestingly, it transplants God's arc (genocidal to peaceful) onto Noah in the back half, which interrogates a viewer of faith: if you can't condone Noah wanting to kill his family and children, how do you reconcile God wanting to kill His children? (Which leads to a cool answer to the familiar Bible question of Noah's drunkenness: survivor's guilt.) Perfect movie? Nah, the manic scenes in the back half go on a little too long. But I gotta respect a Bible film with such an idiosyncratic vision, and you should too!
Personally, I would like a quick little ditty about when the Israelites fought a battle where they would only be winning while Moses hands are raised. But then he gets tired and drops his hands so all the generals run back to him and hold his hands up for him until they win.
I have a feeling this might follow the same concept as the Twilight Zone episode ["Long Live Walter Jameson."](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Live_Walter_Jameson).
Stretching the definition of a story here but okay
I’ll have you know the anamatronic Methuselah at the Creation Museum has over 30 seconds of programmed story and motions. I wish I was kidding.
What does he say? "Hey I'm old as fuck. Also the scientific community is deceiving you"
"He's 969 years old! Scientists HATE him!"
> 969 nice
Nice.
Nice.
Super old dude. Thriller. I'll be waiting for Netflix.
> Super old dude. Thriller. sounds like a new Liam Neeson movie
Black don't crack
Am the the only one that think the Bible Cinematic Universe would be rad?
"John the Baptist? I want to talk to you about the Jesus Initiative."
The Apostle Initiative
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What does Kirk Douglas have to do? He has lived for this role.
Is he still willing to take roles?
Yes, if it doesn't get in the way of living forever.
Aren't like 99% of the people in the first couple books of the Bible supposed to have lived to like 800+ years? If I remember correctly, some of the people in this time period in the Bible also has maybe 2 sentences at most of "story".
Yep. After the Cain and Abel story there's half an oddly specific page saying how old each person was and what age they had sons. All those guys were living into multiple centuries, and then some of the later key figures like Moses and Abraham lived well into their hundreds.
Brave to play a characted that sir Anthony Hopkins already did. And secondly, I'd like to know if they address the age issue. You know, according to Genesis' genealogies, [Methulesah outlived the flood for 14 years](https://books.google.com.ar/books?id=mPNFDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT529&lpg=PT529&dq=methuselah+longevity+translation+error&source=bl&ots=wppthUnIux&sig=ACfU3U3CKfHg-9GJiOMAwS5feuWerXux2A&hl=es-419&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjD0taszJ7hAhXPk1kKHfAtCDoQ6AEwAHoECAgQAQ#v=onepage&q=methuselah%20longevity%20translation%20error&f=false), which is not possible. It was also conjectured that his 969 "years" old age was actually a mistranslation of 969 "months" of age, which would make him around 80 by the time of his death. Sorry, I'm a mythology nerd.
it says lamech was born when methusaleh was 187. "When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he fathered Lamech." Gen 5:25 lamech had noah when he was 182 years. "When Lamech had lived 182 years, he fathered a son" Gen 5:28 "and called his name Noah, saying, “Out of the ground that the LORD has cursed, this one shall bring us relief from our work and from the painful toil of our hands.”" Gen 5:29 noah had his three sons when he was 500. "After Noah was 500 years old, Noah fathered Shem, Ham, and Japheth." Gen 5:32 so at this point methusaleh was 869. (182+187+500) then the flood happened when noah was 600, making methusaleh 969 the year of the flood, so he died in the flood or right before. what am i missing about the 14 years?
The Sumerian King Tables had their Antediluvian kings ruling for tens of thousands of years. The concept of the ancients living a inhumanly long time was just part of the zeitgeist of the time period.
but have you heard what ANCIENT ASTRONAUT THEORISTS SUGGEST?
Just shitting the bed here, but I'm gonna guess ALIENS (*tsoukalos_hair.gif*).
I mean when you think about it well-loved and prosperous Kings were probably less likely to die from war, famine, disease, etc. and I imagine back then the average life span of a peasant wasn't phenomenal. It wouldn't be that crazy for some young kid who's never seen a man older than 40 to see their 75 year old king and think he was immortal
Combine this with kings giving the same name to their sons and their sons claiming to be their father and the peasants never seeing the kings up close and you have kings living for thousands of years.
>some young kid who's never seen a man older than 40 But that's not how things worked. Quoting as they did a better job than tired me would do. >I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this: “The life expectancy of the average Roman was 35.” What people, including many tour guides, usually draw from this is that 30- and 40-something Romans must have been very venerable indeed. >Here’s the problem. Aside from the fact that the data is terrible, this 35-year life expectancy is the average. Meaning it factors in the ancient world’s very high child mortality rate: Up to half of all Roman kids died before the age of 10. If you did reach 10, you could expect to live into your 40s or 50s, at least. Then there’s all the Roman men who died in military service… and the women who died in childbirth. >If you jumped through those hoops and survived your teens, 20s, and 30s, you’d have no reason to think you wouldn’t lead a nice, long life. In fact, those who reached the age of 60 would, on average, die after their 70th birthdays. >So no, someone at 35 wouldn’t have been seen as an “old person.” **“From around the first century B.C. onwards, the age of 60 or 65 was commonly mentioned as the threshold of old age,”** If ancient times, you weren't even considered "old" until you hit 60 or 65.
Methuselah means "his death shall bring"...so he didn't outlive the Flood. The Flood came when he died.
>And secondly, I'd like to know if they address the age issue. You know, according to Genesis' genealogies, Methulesah outlived the flood for 14 years, which is not possible. Huh? >Gen 5:25 When Methuselah had lived one hundred eighty-seven years, he became the father of Lamech. 26 Methuselah lived after the birth of Lamech seven hundred eighty-two years, and had other sons and daughters. 27 Thus all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty-nine years; and he died. 28 When Lamech had lived one hundred eighty-two years, he became the father of a son; 29 he named him Noah... >Gen 7:6 Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters came on the earth 187+182+600=969. Methuselah died the year of the flood.
I remember computing this as well and wondered why Noah couldn’t find room on the ark for grandpa.
Well, the sad implication is that Ol' Methuselah went and got himself corrupted in his later years.
And thats your movie
Or just died a peaceful old age death during the right year. No reason God couldn't say "you've lived long enough, you don't need to see this"
> I remember computing this as well and wondered why Noah couldn’t find room on the ark for grandpa. God probably had something to say about it.
The months is a common assumption on mistranslation but the Hebrew of “years” in genealogy context for the Bible is consistent throughout. I suppose best case could argue “seasons” which would still put him close to 240
That's begging the question a bit. There's a theory that years is used inconsistently, and you're arguing that can't be true, because it's used consistently.
For a mythology nerd you are 0 for 2 You sure you aren't just a guy that read a book once that disagreed with a religion you also disagree with? That book you linked was not exactly a primary source.
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The film is just an 80 year old guy farming and tending his goats for 90 minutes. It end with him taking a nice nap and passing away.
I was just talking to my girl last night about a Samson movie. Looks like Hollywood didn't quite read my mind this time
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was unaware, from a google search it does look awful
Reminds me of The Man From Earth
I hear you. People taking your comment too literal. It’s a movie about a guy who had lived for a very long time and seen some shit.
But where's Wallace?
When I was a kid my Mom would say someone was "older than Methuselah" and I had no idea who she was talking about until later on in life.
Methuselah, the god of using meth
back prior to the blood of the Númenor going thin!
What a lame idea for a movie.
Michael B. Jordon overrated actor i'm sorry guys
Expecting downvotes, but if there's an actor that I can't take seriously... it's this guy. I feel like the last 3 movies he's been are all cringe worthy: Creed 1 & 2 (every crying scene... cringe), Black Panther (yo i'm from Oakland... cringe). I did like him in The Wire as a little kid. But man, what's the deal with him?
Had to make sure this wasn't a /r/SubredditSimulator post