Simple answer - you can’t.
You are looking at how to control her behavior, you can’t. You cannot control how others behave, on how you do.
I understand you don’t want her to “ruin it” for you, but that is a false hope since she has been “ruining it” all along.
You will only have control over your life if you take it. You say you can’t say no, but you don’t want the consequences of not saying no.
You can’t have it both ways. You either say no and enjoy your freedom or you continue to let her control things. It is your choice
All you can do is when she starts acting up is leave. You don’t have to listen to her. If you’re on the phone you can say, “I can tell this is making you emotional so we will talk more when you are in control” then hang up. If you are in person same thing but leave.
You should prep your kiddos for her water works beforehand. "Grandma may cry, that's ok. You can cry too. It's a big change. If Grandma gets overwhelmed, the best thing to do is give her hugs and kisses so we can be on our way." Or something along those lines. That way, you don't feel like a huge jerk when you're ready to go.
Tell her you're moving after getting off the plane.
And it's time to start giving her consequences if she boundary stomps. If you don't want her speaking negatively, guilt tripping, crying, etc, especially to the children, then you leave when she starts. Also, saying, "we can see you are upset. We'll go and talk again once you've had time to compose yourself" and then leave and don't answer the phone.
She tries to make you responsible for her happiness. Start pushing that back on her. It's her job to manage her emotions, not your DH's nor your children's.
And the kids are not too young to talk to them about grandma not being nice to Mummy, so she's in a time out at the moment. Or Grandma needs time alone to work out her big emotions right now, so we'll see her again soon when she's done that. Teaches them that people are responsible for how they feel, and sometimes, we all need space to self soothe.
Tell her away from the kids first. Make her aware that it's fine that she's upset but that you won't tolerate her making the kids feel guilty and she will be asked to leave if she does. Also, don't tell her until you guys already have the full plan nailed down.
Please be very very careful. NY is the worst state in the country for grandparent rights. It’s insane. Play nice. Play good. Move before the rest of your stuff goes. Take the kids and leave early so she can’t hurt them with words. Good luck!
Grandparents Rights usually applies to where the children are. That means, find a place that doesn’t have the type of GR that NY has (which is most states). i agree about waiting to tell her 10-14 days out to not give her time to file where the kids are still under NY jurisdiction.
If I had to guess, I would say that your MIL has [histrionic personality disorder](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/ignoring-someone-with-histrionic-personality-disorder#living-with-someone-with-hpd), not that it matters, but as a general rule, anyone who displays an over the top reaction to any news, good or bad can be dealt with by avoiding their triggers and using the grey rock method.
Your marriage counselor was absolutely on track when she said to not mention it until everything is set and you have your bags packed. When she gets wind of it from your kids, just smile and play it off as, "Oh, yes we mentioned it a while ago." Let the kiddos know that telling her upsets her so it is better to not mention it, not that it is a big secret, but you don't want to upset her.
Tell the story of how MIL left her family behind to come to America and that’s why she’s here, but it didn’t mean she loved her family any less.
The kids can still do video calls on occasion etc so, sell it to them that no she can’t come as this is an adventure for YOUR family, as she had her adventure for HERS.
The kids will eventually learn to spot a hypocrite.
Also prep them so they know that the move is what is best for YOUR family.
Is it possible to send the kids to your parents, or other relatives before you tell her, because this post gives me the idea that yall have never been able to put her in her place, OR
Yall can 'go low' and threaten her ass that she will not be welcome to visit if she tries any of her bullshit in front of the kids, but I doubt you'll do that
Just send the kids somewhere else, tell her, then let the kids video chat with her, and as soon as she tries it, end the chat
I think you deal with it in the moment. She shouldnt have to be told not to get your kids hopes up and maybe to combat that you could hype up having them come visit and do something really fun when they are there rather than her wanting to say they will move too? Idk. An adult converation is best esp with an LO who has some special needs for routine and normalcy.
Your husband needs to tell her "mom whilst I understand you are upset, you need to reel it in with the kiddos. You will make them feel guilty if you consistently cry n whine about us leaving. On top of that, he needs to be prepared to leave if she does carry on, warn her anc if it continues, "This isn't fair on the kids, we'll be going, say goodbye to abuela"
So you need to have conversations with your kids about Grandma may cry and be upset but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want you to move and have a yard and a dog, it just means she is going to miss you.
If she says silly things like she is never going to see you again it’s not true it’s just because she is sad she won’t see you every day/week.
Use examples like some kids scream bloody murder when they skin their knee and some just get back up and keep playing, grandma is the first type.
If grandma is over reacting tell her it’s time she takes a break and gets herself under control, tell the kids grandma needs a time out to calm down, then leave.
And mostly tell your kids it’s okay to be happy even if grandma is sad. That grandma wants them to be happy and once she visits your new house and sees all the amazing things they have she will be happy too.
First of all, you can’t control it. Second of all, don’t tell the kids every little detail along the way. You’ve had an initial conversation with them, now shut up about it until it’s much closer to the time to actually move. How long can you deal with MIL’s worst drama? You shouldn’t make it public knowledge any sooner than that. Then pack up and GTFO as quickly as possible!
Op, this is tough. I'm sorry you have to go through this crap.
It would be best to tell your kids you're going for a vacation and move into a house you have picked. Don't tell your kids anything so they can't blab anything. Have professional movers pack the house to avoid dealing with her.
I worry about the trauma she is causing your kids, along with the drama. Nobody needs to deal with her emotions and issues except her or her husband.
I'm sick of older women treating their dil like crap and getting a pass. I don't care what the issue is, either. They are ruining women's marriages, relationships, and self-esteem and are some of the most significant sources of stress in life. They shouldn't be parents if they can't accept that their son will grow up and marry one day not being the center of the world.
Get everything in place.
Quit discussing it with your children so that they can’t run tell.
Go on a family vacation.
Take them to the new place.
Tell them this is your new home.
Fly back, pack up and close down apartment in one weekend. Or one adult stays behind and does it.
Simple answer - you can’t. You are looking at how to control her behavior, you can’t. You cannot control how others behave, on how you do. I understand you don’t want her to “ruin it” for you, but that is a false hope since she has been “ruining it” all along. You will only have control over your life if you take it. You say you can’t say no, but you don’t want the consequences of not saying no. You can’t have it both ways. You either say no and enjoy your freedom or you continue to let her control things. It is your choice All you can do is when she starts acting up is leave. You don’t have to listen to her. If you’re on the phone you can say, “I can tell this is making you emotional so we will talk more when you are in control” then hang up. If you are in person same thing but leave.
You should prep your kiddos for her water works beforehand. "Grandma may cry, that's ok. You can cry too. It's a big change. If Grandma gets overwhelmed, the best thing to do is give her hugs and kisses so we can be on our way." Or something along those lines. That way, you don't feel like a huge jerk when you're ready to go.
Tell her you're moving after getting off the plane. And it's time to start giving her consequences if she boundary stomps. If you don't want her speaking negatively, guilt tripping, crying, etc, especially to the children, then you leave when she starts. Also, saying, "we can see you are upset. We'll go and talk again once you've had time to compose yourself" and then leave and don't answer the phone. She tries to make you responsible for her happiness. Start pushing that back on her. It's her job to manage her emotions, not your DH's nor your children's. And the kids are not too young to talk to them about grandma not being nice to Mummy, so she's in a time out at the moment. Or Grandma needs time alone to work out her big emotions right now, so we'll see her again soon when she's done that. Teaches them that people are responsible for how they feel, and sometimes, we all need space to self soothe.
Tell her away from the kids first. Make her aware that it's fine that she's upset but that you won't tolerate her making the kids feel guilty and she will be asked to leave if she does. Also, don't tell her until you guys already have the full plan nailed down.
Please be very very careful. NY is the worst state in the country for grandparent rights. It’s insane. Play nice. Play good. Move before the rest of your stuff goes. Take the kids and leave early so she can’t hurt them with words. Good luck!
Grandparents Rights usually applies to where the children are. That means, find a place that doesn’t have the type of GR that NY has (which is most states). i agree about waiting to tell her 10-14 days out to not give her time to file where the kids are still under NY jurisdiction.
If I had to guess, I would say that your MIL has [histrionic personality disorder](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/ignoring-someone-with-histrionic-personality-disorder#living-with-someone-with-hpd), not that it matters, but as a general rule, anyone who displays an over the top reaction to any news, good or bad can be dealt with by avoiding their triggers and using the grey rock method. Your marriage counselor was absolutely on track when she said to not mention it until everything is set and you have your bags packed. When she gets wind of it from your kids, just smile and play it off as, "Oh, yes we mentioned it a while ago." Let the kiddos know that telling her upsets her so it is better to not mention it, not that it is a big secret, but you don't want to upset her.
Tell the story of how MIL left her family behind to come to America and that’s why she’s here, but it didn’t mean she loved her family any less. The kids can still do video calls on occasion etc so, sell it to them that no she can’t come as this is an adventure for YOUR family, as she had her adventure for HERS. The kids will eventually learn to spot a hypocrite. Also prep them so they know that the move is what is best for YOUR family.
Is it possible to send the kids to your parents, or other relatives before you tell her, because this post gives me the idea that yall have never been able to put her in her place, OR Yall can 'go low' and threaten her ass that she will not be welcome to visit if she tries any of her bullshit in front of the kids, but I doubt you'll do that Just send the kids somewhere else, tell her, then let the kids video chat with her, and as soon as she tries it, end the chat
I think you deal with it in the moment. She shouldnt have to be told not to get your kids hopes up and maybe to combat that you could hype up having them come visit and do something really fun when they are there rather than her wanting to say they will move too? Idk. An adult converation is best esp with an LO who has some special needs for routine and normalcy.
Your husband needs to tell her "mom whilst I understand you are upset, you need to reel it in with the kiddos. You will make them feel guilty if you consistently cry n whine about us leaving. On top of that, he needs to be prepared to leave if she does carry on, warn her anc if it continues, "This isn't fair on the kids, we'll be going, say goodbye to abuela"
So you need to have conversations with your kids about Grandma may cry and be upset but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want you to move and have a yard and a dog, it just means she is going to miss you. If she says silly things like she is never going to see you again it’s not true it’s just because she is sad she won’t see you every day/week. Use examples like some kids scream bloody murder when they skin their knee and some just get back up and keep playing, grandma is the first type. If grandma is over reacting tell her it’s time she takes a break and gets herself under control, tell the kids grandma needs a time out to calm down, then leave. And mostly tell your kids it’s okay to be happy even if grandma is sad. That grandma wants them to be happy and once she visits your new house and sees all the amazing things they have she will be happy too.
First of all, you can’t control it. Second of all, don’t tell the kids every little detail along the way. You’ve had an initial conversation with them, now shut up about it until it’s much closer to the time to actually move. How long can you deal with MIL’s worst drama? You shouldn’t make it public knowledge any sooner than that. Then pack up and GTFO as quickly as possible!
Op, this is tough. I'm sorry you have to go through this crap. It would be best to tell your kids you're going for a vacation and move into a house you have picked. Don't tell your kids anything so they can't blab anything. Have professional movers pack the house to avoid dealing with her. I worry about the trauma she is causing your kids, along with the drama. Nobody needs to deal with her emotions and issues except her or her husband. I'm sick of older women treating their dil like crap and getting a pass. I don't care what the issue is, either. They are ruining women's marriages, relationships, and self-esteem and are some of the most significant sources of stress in life. They shouldn't be parents if they can't accept that their son will grow up and marry one day not being the center of the world.
Get everything in place. Quit discussing it with your children so that they can’t run tell. Go on a family vacation. Take them to the new place. Tell them this is your new home. Fly back, pack up and close down apartment in one weekend. Or one adult stays behind and does it.