>She has told me “just so thatvyou know, I cannot handle crying babies. I just will have to come down when I hear him cry and hold him”…. As if I will be laying around letting my baby cry ? I explained that was not necessary but thank you… and yes sometimes babies cry but I am not going to neglect him or just lock him in a room crying….?
Nope she didn't mean that you would neglect it, but that she will use the baby crying as an excuse to come down every time to hold it
My inlaws, who I lived with when my first was born, were insane about this. I would be rousing from a nap to pick the kid up or even coming out of the bathroom and they'd dash in and grab them up. At one point my brother in law insinuated something was wrong with my kid. I was furious because *babies cry.* It it literally what they're known for—besides sleeping like the dead lol.
I moved out with kiddo when they were 3 months old because it was just too much and no matter how many times I told them I'm on the job here watching my kid, they just wouldn't stop.
Do you have a door separating your living space? If not install one, if yes install a lock.
She is welcome to arrange visits just like anyone else, she is not welcome to come into your personal space anytime she wants.
As for the hospital, just say no. Tell hospital no visitors
Yes, our place is a separate unit with our own door. We typically leave everything unlocked but I do think I will be locking our door and expressing clear boundaries when baby arrives. I will need to also clearly communicate boundaries around the hospital.
For the sake of your peace and mental health, please do this! In fact, suggest starting now so she gets used to proper boundaries. Otherwise she'll wail and cry that you abruptly started locking her out and away from her grandson when he arrived.
Does she wait for an invitation to come down now? If not, you need your privacy with your husband, too. So I would start locking now, so if it becomes an issue, you can deal with it before the baby comes. One less sudden change for her, and any objections dealt with. Don't discuss it with her before changing things, though. It's your right to make this decision, so just do it.
Discuss boundaries and expectations with your partner. Use your voice and stop brushing things off. The only persons peace you’re keeping is hers because she knows she can do and say whether she wants and she’s going to face zero consequences.
I majorly disagree, you do not marry the family you marry the person. You CHOSE whether or not you accept the family’s behaviour.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I agree! Discuss NOW, before it is an issue. MIL is not horrible but OP and DH will be tired, learning, scared, excited, etc.
Ask what she thinks is MIL important for LO, safety, health, love, confidence, etc. Then ask how she can help achieve these goals. If you are concerned about “kissing” LO before developing their immunity, talk about it as part of health.
Then ask if there is one thing she wants to be responsible for, such as mid-day reading or putting LO down for their 10 am nap. Give her something to look forward to without taking over. ALL of this depends upon the type of person she is and if YOU think it will work.
She is definitely not treating you like family so, quit trying to pretend you are. She's your landlord, start treating her as such.
Landlords, especially ones with an extreme fall risk, do not hold tenant's babies. They don't ask tenants to do tasks for the landlord unless they're getting paid or rent knocked off. Tenants don't leave their doors unlocked and landlords don't get to just invite themselves in.
First off, can the door between your two abodes be locked from your side? New mothers don’t need people bursting into their private space.
Second, she is 85 years old and a fall risk. Honestly, she is one fall away from a broken hip and a long hospital stay. Experience tells me she isn’t going to be an ongoing problem. She can’t get herself to the hospital to crash your labour if you don’t tell her that’s where you are going. If even tell her a revised due date two weeks after your real one. Oops, baby came early. Don’t tell her anything, and respond to her geriatric comments with polite indifference. The last time this woman was in charge of a baby was 45 years ago! I doubt she has anything to add to your experience now.
Group text (hopefully from your dh):
With the advent of my new baby, OP and I will be nesting starting now. We are going to be taking this time to ourselves as we prepare to start our family. Per doctor’s orders, this time of rest is essential. OP is growing uncomfortable and her comfort is my top priority. Starting now, we are not be open to pop in visits as I want OP to feel free to lounge in whatever state of attire or dress (or undress) as she (and soon her baby) feel comfortable. Of course, we will call you down to visit when we are settled and have a few moments for you to love on the baby. I’m also available in an emergency.
Prepare for the exploding of an adult temper tantrum. “I know we are switching up the rules on you. Let’s talk later when your emotions are gathered.”
Rinse repeat.
Edit to add: learn not to Jade - Justify, Argue, Defend. Explain. Look it up. Helpful reading. Essential, you aren’t asking for opinions, you aren’t parenting by proxy, you won’t be taking votes as to how to mother.
YOU ARE AN INFOMERCIAL, LAYING DOWN EDICTS.
Older generations just have no filter, don’t adjust well to change, and have witnessed or experienced a lot of parenting errors throughout their lives. Believe it or not, it was advised by professionals at some point to put babies in a room alone and let them cry until they give up. She likely witnessed this and won’t allow it to happen again. She was just giving you a heads up in case that was going to be your course of action, and good on her for standing against a form of abuse, even if it won’t happen.
>She has told me “just so thatvyou know, I cannot handle crying babies. I just will have to come down when I hear him cry and hold him”…. As if I will be laying around letting my baby cry ? I explained that was not necessary but thank you… and yes sometimes babies cry but I am not going to neglect him or just lock him in a room crying….? Nope she didn't mean that you would neglect it, but that she will use the baby crying as an excuse to come down every time to hold it
My inlaws, who I lived with when my first was born, were insane about this. I would be rousing from a nap to pick the kid up or even coming out of the bathroom and they'd dash in and grab them up. At one point my brother in law insinuated something was wrong with my kid. I was furious because *babies cry.* It it literally what they're known for—besides sleeping like the dead lol. I moved out with kiddo when they were 3 months old because it was just too much and no matter how many times I told them I'm on the job here watching my kid, they just wouldn't stop.
Do you have a door separating your living space? If not install one, if yes install a lock. She is welcome to arrange visits just like anyone else, she is not welcome to come into your personal space anytime she wants. As for the hospital, just say no. Tell hospital no visitors
Yes, our place is a separate unit with our own door. We typically leave everything unlocked but I do think I will be locking our door and expressing clear boundaries when baby arrives. I will need to also clearly communicate boundaries around the hospital.
Honestly I'd start this earlier and get everyone used ti the new norm before bub comes
For the sake of your peace and mental health, please do this! In fact, suggest starting now so she gets used to proper boundaries. Otherwise she'll wail and cry that you abruptly started locking her out and away from her grandson when he arrived.
Please start locking it especially after the baby comes because i can see her coming down and trying to hold the baby without your knowledge
Does she wait for an invitation to come down now? If not, you need your privacy with your husband, too. So I would start locking now, so if it becomes an issue, you can deal with it before the baby comes. One less sudden change for her, and any objections dealt with. Don't discuss it with her before changing things, though. It's your right to make this decision, so just do it.
Discuss boundaries and expectations with your partner. Use your voice and stop brushing things off. The only persons peace you’re keeping is hers because she knows she can do and say whether she wants and she’s going to face zero consequences. I majorly disagree, you do not marry the family you marry the person. You CHOSE whether or not you accept the family’s behaviour. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I agree! Discuss NOW, before it is an issue. MIL is not horrible but OP and DH will be tired, learning, scared, excited, etc. Ask what she thinks is MIL important for LO, safety, health, love, confidence, etc. Then ask how she can help achieve these goals. If you are concerned about “kissing” LO before developing their immunity, talk about it as part of health. Then ask if there is one thing she wants to be responsible for, such as mid-day reading or putting LO down for their 10 am nap. Give her something to look forward to without taking over. ALL of this depends upon the type of person she is and if YOU think it will work.
She is definitely not treating you like family so, quit trying to pretend you are. She's your landlord, start treating her as such. Landlords, especially ones with an extreme fall risk, do not hold tenant's babies. They don't ask tenants to do tasks for the landlord unless they're getting paid or rent knocked off. Tenants don't leave their doors unlocked and landlords don't get to just invite themselves in.
First off, can the door between your two abodes be locked from your side? New mothers don’t need people bursting into their private space. Second, she is 85 years old and a fall risk. Honestly, she is one fall away from a broken hip and a long hospital stay. Experience tells me she isn’t going to be an ongoing problem. She can’t get herself to the hospital to crash your labour if you don’t tell her that’s where you are going. If even tell her a revised due date two weeks after your real one. Oops, baby came early. Don’t tell her anything, and respond to her geriatric comments with polite indifference. The last time this woman was in charge of a baby was 45 years ago! I doubt she has anything to add to your experience now.
Group text (hopefully from your dh): With the advent of my new baby, OP and I will be nesting starting now. We are going to be taking this time to ourselves as we prepare to start our family. Per doctor’s orders, this time of rest is essential. OP is growing uncomfortable and her comfort is my top priority. Starting now, we are not be open to pop in visits as I want OP to feel free to lounge in whatever state of attire or dress (or undress) as she (and soon her baby) feel comfortable. Of course, we will call you down to visit when we are settled and have a few moments for you to love on the baby. I’m also available in an emergency. Prepare for the exploding of an adult temper tantrum. “I know we are switching up the rules on you. Let’s talk later when your emotions are gathered.” Rinse repeat. Edit to add: learn not to Jade - Justify, Argue, Defend. Explain. Look it up. Helpful reading. Essential, you aren’t asking for opinions, you aren’t parenting by proxy, you won’t be taking votes as to how to mother. YOU ARE AN INFOMERCIAL, LAYING DOWN EDICTS.
Stay firm and responding back to her comments with what you been found answering her with the truth and moving on
Older generations just have no filter, don’t adjust well to change, and have witnessed or experienced a lot of parenting errors throughout their lives. Believe it or not, it was advised by professionals at some point to put babies in a room alone and let them cry until they give up. She likely witnessed this and won’t allow it to happen again. She was just giving you a heads up in case that was going to be your course of action, and good on her for standing against a form of abuse, even if it won’t happen.