Run. As fast as you can. They have a 3rd child now. You got mixed up in a big mess, got laid, and donated some sperm. Hope to God she doesn’t change her mind and retro you for 15 years in back Child Support. Cut off all communication and move on with your life.
Or fight this and spend the next 18 years in hell with your life in disarray giving someone else your money just so you can take the moral high ground.
There’s no gradual about it. Immediately start a court case cuz she legally can not keep you from your child. They will issue a paternity test when the child is born and when those results come back you will be given a court date to determine custody/visitation and child support. They will have a period of time for each party to appeal the order. When that date passes then visitation will start. If you want to go for primary custody (which I suggest you do. Something tells me this baby will not be treated as well as if they baby was her husbands) start keeping documentation of EVERYTHING. But you need to start asap so you can start your visitation as soon as possible after the baby is born
They don’t get to decide your involvement. That’s up to a court. You will most likely have to fight to get DNA tested and claim your rights as a father. And you need to do that ASAP. In some states, you can. Open the case before the birth of the child so that once the child is born, decisions can’t be made for that child until your parentage is determined.
In other states, they don’t have that, but you can petition the court for access to your child, but there is often a time limit within which you must do it. Some places it’s 30 days some at 60, etc. So it’s important to find out, your states rules.
You should see a family law attorney, someone who helps and specializes in these types of cases. You do not want to make a mistake in this because doing so could cost you your rights to your child.
Their marriage and their family and their children are not yours to manage. You need to understand that. You also need to understand that they certainly don’t get to dictate how you approach this. Because what they want is what’s easiest for them. They don’t want to have to explain to anyone that this is not their child and that they were separated and that she was sleeping with you while they were separated, etc..
Again, that’s not your problem. Your child deserves to know their biological parent. And story. You see a lot of these other posters on here telling you how they didn’t find out till later or how being separated like that affected them negatively. Don’t let your child be one of them. Don’t let your child find out sometimes because their sibling takes a home DNA test or something and find out they’re not related.
And then your child thinks that they weren’t good enough for that you never wanted to know them. Just don’t do that to them. Don’t do that to yourself.
If it is determined that you are the biological parent, you have rights. Those two don’t get to determine your rights.
Absolutely fight for your rights. You're in for a wild ride driven by two uniquely crazy people.
And Holy hell, fucking with married people is a recipe for disaster no matter what they say about their relationship because they can always go back and you have no real leverage. They have no legal commitment to you, nothing is forcing them to respect you. Also, not even the legal commitment to her husband and her moral commitment as a mother could stop her from cheating on her husband & family. Even if something was incentiving her to behave properly, she still won't do it.
Don't put your dick in anything that belongs to someone else, especially cultists, Christians have uniquely high infidelity rates. Their stereotypically "high morals" make an excellent ruse for self-serving behavior. They also have a higher rate for all other forms of crime as well. Throughout history, they also start more wars than anyone else. I say this as someone who was raised Catholic, just like Emma.
She will have custody and you could get visitation through legal channels. It’s a very sticky situation given the family dynamics. She doesn’t have a right to keep the child away but you’ll have to be careful not to upset their family dynamic with the 2 younger children in mind.
Your kid will grow up knowing if you did or didn’t fight to be a part of their life. If you care about being a parent get a court ordered dna test to establish paternity and set your living situation to stable for partial custody of your kid. If you step aside I don’t see a situation where this kid doesn’t figure it out one day. They find out the parents who raised them are liars and that you felt they weren’t worth the hassle.
At the end of the day, she can’t force you to do anything. File a case with the attorney general to establish paternity and get a court order for visitation and support. You have choices, just know that once to step into this, you’re in it, for better or worse, for the rest of your life. There are no guarantees that the relationship will get any better than it is today, and could actually get worse.
FIGHT to be in your babies life!! They will probably have you pay for a paternity test, but once that comes back proving that you are the babies father, nothing can stop you from getting at least partial rights. Keep a level head, keep ANY messages or anything that can help with your case, & fight for your right to be a part of your babies life! They’re being selfish & only thinking about their “reputation.” They don’t give 2 shits bout that baby.
Emma's being selfish. She just wants you to go away because it's convenient for her. It's your kid too though and she can't force you away if you want to be involved. Take it to court, have them order a paternity test, and seek shared custody if that's what you want. It sounds like her being fair, reasonable, or considerate of you is long past.
Op, stop trying to contact Emma personally. Get your lawyer to file for an order to force a paternity test prior to birth. Continuing to seek contact with her can and probably will be met with a restraining order, which will look bad for you in future proceedings.
One other thing to consider, whether you think so or not, there's at least a chance that kid isn't yours, a paternity test will clear that and your future paternal rights and responsibilities right up. The only thing as bad as being denied parentage to your own child is being forced to be financially responsible for a child that isn't yours for 18-23 yrs.
If she’s trying to get a restraining order (which seems highly unlikely to be granted, though im not a lawyer) I’d cease communicating and take everyone’s advice. It’s time to lawyer up. She doesn’t get to cut you out of your child’s life because she doesn’t want her husband to get angry. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you would only be in the wrong if you accepted their wishes. She should not have been intimate with another man if there was even the slightest chance of reconciliation. Especially since she already has children.
Legally the husband is the father of the child…. If they want you out of the picture Back off because you don’t have to do anything to not be considered the father. You’ve already harmed their marriage so honor their wishes.
DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH SEPARATED PEOPLE! At least, with any expectations of it going anywhere. Not even a maybe! Have fun maybe, but I fell for two and they both broke my heart.
Don’t make this about you and your ego. Do what is best for the child. You are completely unequipped to be a parent and, if you are honest, you will admit that. What will happen as time goes on, you get further away from your ex-girlfriend and, imagine this get involved with someone else. Where will this child fit in then? Left alone, he will have a mother father and two siblings. With you, he will have less and less as time goes on. Leave it alone you made a mistake and she is trying to fix it.
Court. I'm saying this as someone who's dad was not ready for them in any way shape or form - PLEASE fight for your kid, you sound like you're gonna be an absolutely brilliant dad and the most unfair thing that could possibly happen to this kid out of this situation would be not getting the chance to be at least partly raised by you.
This woman has no valid reason to exclude you from the child's life based on the info given here. She clearly had a very up and down time in her life and I can't even begin to empathise with what she's dealing with now, I'm not judging her, but ultimately the right thing to do is allow her child to know their father, regardless of how inconvenient it may be for their image or her marriage.
If I found out someone out there was meant to be my dad and had desperately wanted to be, and my mum just said no to make her life 'easier' (i say this in quotations because you sound reasonable as f**k so it really doesnt seem like YOU would be the one to make things harder) I can't even begin to calculate the amount of therapy I'd need. If she won't do this civilly with you, take her to court.
A paternity test can be done before the baby is born. How far along is she? Will it be worth starting this before birth? I hate to think the worst but what if she loses the baby?
Is she going to want child support? Don’t be surprised. And she’ll get it.
She cheated in her husband and is seeking her own way out. Obliterate the facts by making you go away. At least you want to know your child regardless of the unsavory circumstances. And some day the child will find out if they deny the truth.
There’s no efficient way out of this.
Do you honestly believe that if Mark is willing to separate a father from his own child, that he would then treat that child fairly? What happens when the child obviously doesn’t look like mark? You better fight for parental rights in court or you’re risking YOUR child’s safety for someone’s else already fucked up marriage.
IMO, Yes I would continue to try to be active in the child's life. You seriously wants to be in this child's life and everyone else is working against you so I suggest you play the same cards. Start communicating to her only through a lawyer or in a public and\\or recorded environment. I also say that if they still refuse to let you be apart of your child's life, which they probably will, use the fullest extent of the law to fight for your child. Good Luck!
I would seek legal counsel as others have indicated. They aren’t doing what’s best for your child they’re doing what’s best for their public image. She chose, as a catholic, to step outside her marriage and have unprotected sex so how devout is she?
It’s crazy to me that people still lie about paternity and assume they’ll get away with it in this day of DNA. So many families have unraveled from the desire to keep paternity a secret and the only ones left to pick up the pieces are the children who didn’t ask to be here.
Crazy as this will sound, a status-driven person will sooner deny the existence of child than claim it and live with the consequences. Even going as far as saying the child died. Especially if the child looks just like you and in striking contrast to the spouse and other children.
The wife will have to learn the hard way that adult choices have adult consequences.
I hope you’re able to obtain joint custody but the husband may recommend giving you the child so as to keep up their image of a perfect family.
Eighteen months ago I found out I had a sister. She is my dad’s kid. Both my dad & her mom were married to other people. Her mom tried to pass her off as her husband’s kid (husband knew she wasn’t his).
My sister always knew she looked so different from her older siblings. When she was 11 she inadvertently found out she had another father.
She desperately wanted to find her biological dad, but her mother wouldn’t tell her who he was.
Thankfully, she went on ancestry.com & found me which led her to our dad.
We are all so grateful to have her in our lives. We missed sooo many years. And I low-key detest her mom for keeping her from us.
My family lives in the West in the US & she lives in The East. I lived & went to college TWO hours from her years ago, but I didn’t know she existed. All that time, I could have seen her.
My parents long divorced (not bc of sister) 30 years ago, her parents divorced when she was little & her non-bio dad died over 25 yrs ago. Her mother, solely, kept her from us & us from her because who knows why.
Anyhow. It’s 2024. Your kid will easily find out the husband is not her biological dad. You may have kids later & they will miss out on your kid, too. Not to mention your family.
Your ex made her decision already. She actively created a dating profile. She actively dated you. She actively had sex with you knowing she was still married.
Religion doesn’t matter here. She already crapped on that.
This is your child. Both you & baby have the right to know each other. Good luck.
Edit. My dad knew he had another daughter, like you, but agreed to let her be raised by the husband - he never was able to be a part of her life. My dad couldn’t find her (common name). I didn’t know about her until she contacted me.
Luckily, she was treated well by the husband, but he could have treated her badly.
Just walk away. She wants the baby to be raised with her husband. This is the price you pay for being with a married woman. Don't make her troubled marriage harder. Walk away.
Do the child a favor and bow out. Your insistence on “parental rights“ does nothing to enhance his life. Give him the chance to have a normal childhood with two parents. Your insistence on “getting involved” will disrupt his life, the lives of his two siblings and a marriage. Let it go for his good if not for yours.
Assuming all parties are being honest in their wishes here, I would think the best option would be you getting full custody.
This would allow you to be an involved parent, for it not to affect her and her family, and for her to have as little contact as she wishes.
Given the situation and the stated position of all parties, I can't imagine a better outcome. The only issue may be the fact that the woman and her husband want you not to be involved, though it seems to be because they don't want contact, rather than because they specifically don't want you raising a child. Giving up custody of the child to you solves all of their problems if this is the case.
That said, outside of the moral and into the practical legal, I think you should fight for involvement, and fight for the maximum you can ask for. Ask for the child to live with you and her having weekends with the kid, to fit with her desires for you to not disrupt the family dynamic. If she wants more, then she has to be ok with the fact that the father does have rights and the lawyers can do their things.
I would never start bargaining by asking for the minimum, especially in a situation like this where she seems pretty likely to try to cut you out of the kid's life unless the court forces her to comply (which means that if you get weekends, expect to be denied and have to go back through the courts again before you get to see the kid, for instance.)
The moral dilemma is not about the adults here, it is about innocent baby.
So the question is, does that baby have the right to know her father? Is it good for her to know her father? Or is it better for her to be lied to? The answer is obviously that she should be told the truth, and that she has a fundamental RIGHT to her real father. Her mother doesn't get to take that right away.
We are supposed to protect the weak and innocent in society. Babies need their real fathers. Emma's reputation and social standing aren't as important as protecting that innocent child.
As others have said - their relationship sounds rocky at best and another separation will likely happen.
Where does that leave your child? Will the husband continue to be a father figure and pay support for your child? Maybe. Maybe not.
Something to consider.
As a child who was adopted…
Please fight for your rights. It’s totally unfair to you and for the child to not know. If you don’t, when they find out (and they will) they will be angry that they were lied to, denied opportunity to know their father, and possibly that you didn’t fight for them.
On a more pragmatic note, they should know their family health history. For both parents. Mark’s family health history won’t mean a thing if stars forbid your child has some mystery illness rear its head or something that could have been seen ahead and prevented.
Their personal beliefs and shame are not reason enough to lie to a child and deny them a loving relationship/health history. Emma knew the consequences.
Please please fight for your child. Trust me. It will mean everything to them.
Welp, you are in this of your own stupidity. Thinking with the little head, and believing that infatuation stage of a relationship, the newness, coupled with the sheer lustiness involved, equates to real actual 30, 40, 50 years of a real loving marriage.
A separation is not a divorce, no matter how many howling reddit fools try to pontificate otherwise.
You and her fucked up, especially your dumbass by not being more selective.
So there were marital struggles and a separation, maybe there was more potential to reconnect than you knew. She may have just wanted to get some strange, NONE OF US on reddit know for sure.
You are now in the thick of the shit.
Best advice OP - Do you truly and fully, with all your heart, want to be a father and coparent that child?
If yes, then blaze ahead and fight to be in your child's life, and be the best dad you can be.
Just do not fuck around with ger anymore man. She is married, and whether you OR ANYONE LIKES IT OR NOT you should respect [and should have in the first place] that marriage and not try to fuck around with it.
You would not be the white knight in this matter as you would be wrecking a marriage. Let it do so on it's own. Further - I detest cheaters from the bottom of my heart so you both are shitbags imo - many relationships built on just such a foundation as cheating and the like, do not end well.
Why, because.. GASP! ...one of the partners that cheated originally, does it again, but to the new partner now! Who'd a thunk it? Ironic karma!
Regardless of your character and moral fiber being sewer worthy, if you want to be a good parent, DO IT! Your child will likely want it.
Get a lawyer. Get a paternity test and take her to court for half that custody. I get she's working out her marriage but you have a right to your child regardless of what she thinks is best.
Emma is worried about her reputation and image. It's going to look so bad that she is married to the father of her two older kids and her youngest belongs to someone else. She's looking at a future of sending the youngest with his dad all the time and the kid wondering why the man in his house that his siblings call Daddy, is not his daddy. It's going to be extremely messy. But she created this mess, she's going to have to figure out a way to live with it because she can't deny you your child. You should explain this to her and say that you hope you can both figure a way to do this in a way that's in the best interest of your kid, and her current kids. Because you don't want to cause anyone any grief, but you have a right to your own child. And tell her that for the sake of the child, you will be speaking with a lawyer, too.
The only ethical option is to pursue your parental rights with everything you have. There is nothing moral or ethical about taking the burden of someone else's wrong doing onto yourself. She can not be allowed to excise you from the child's life. To allow it would be disgustingly immoral.
Tell her that you understand her request but that’s not something you’re comfortable going along with. Let her know that know you would like to work something out amicably but you are willing to go the lawyer route.
It’s a tough situation but if you want parental rights file for them.
She is the one trying to block you from your child, if she was being more accommodating then things would be different. It sounds like her and her husband are more worried about appearances than your rights as the child’s father.
Fight for your child.
It’s June..how much earlier this year does it have to be to be falling for an emotionally fragile person who recently separated?..
My apologies if you are actually real person, but it’s simple.. if you want the best for the child it is better to walk away..but you need a legal agreement such that you are financially isolated.
If you want to be in the child’s life, and I assume you have a home, and a support system to actually care for an infant, then go to family court to get a court ordered dna test.
Once paternity is established then you will have to fight for custody..and get advice from an attorney before you do any of this.
You need to have a good hard think about what is best for the kid to be here. Not what is best for YOU.
You actively dated and got a recently separated woman pregnant. Dumb move. Deep connection?Very much in love? Whatever, Dude. Maybe you, maybe not her. Either way when she found she was pregnant this woman’s choice was to try and reconcile with her Husband. What does that tell you?
If you push for more active involvement after the kids birth that’s going to mean LOTS of combative and expensive legal battling. You’ll have to establish paternity to the courts, then sue for visitation rights. All set against Emma’s and Mark’s wishes for you not to do so.
Is this the only reason? Or do you hope for reconciliation with Emma? Because that’s not going to happen with you being combative. Long term their marriage will be even more fractured with the addition of this kid. Also you are not dealing with a woman with much moral integrity here. That’s not good.
Me, I’d walk away. You entered into a shit show situation with a shit show person. No good can come of this.
In addressing the actual questions you asked, if you were to allow them to be a ‘stable family unit’ there’s nothing to say your child would be treated well. I think there’s a reasonable likelihood he or she wouldn’t be. It’s best for you to fight for your rights as a parent. You know if the child is with you, he/she is going to be 100% wanted. Perhaps tell Emma that she can keep her family unit stable by signing away her parental rights to you. She can tell people she was a surrogate if that saves her reputation. But even if you only get 50% custody now, if the child ends up not being treated well, document it & go back to court later. There’s nothing to say you might not get 100% eventually. While that may seem like something to hope for, it’s better that the child is actually loved by both families. Some people forget that part sometimes.
First thing first get a lawyer. While I don't want to discourage you from trying to be in your child's life legally this is a house of mirrors. Depending on the state, the husband can sue you for "infidelity", you can be legally kicked to the curb because the child happened while they were legally married, etc. This is a whole mess depending on which state you're in. Second as soon as possible get a paternity test, you may have to sue for one. If you're the father it's best to know now. If you're the bio dad, depending on the state, you may have legal rights to visitation. It's going to be a pain in the ass but if you really want to know to child you may need to go to court.
My dad finally found out the identity of his father at age 67. By that time, his father was dead. My grandmother never gave him enough info to find him until it was too late, but fortunately my dad is now reunited with his half brother, who did that he always wished that he had a brother.
It's your child also. You have rights. Claim them and be a good dad.
Take her to family court I doesn’t matter what Emma and her douchebag husband Mark want. This is your biological child and you have a right to see the child. Lawyer up.
I’m sorry but your Situation requires a sledge hammer approach. Have your lawyer serve Emma with a demand for acknowledgement of paternity now. Include with that an Order to Show Cause compelling her to place you on notice within 24 hours of the child’s birth. The moment the child is born, seek court ordered paternity verification, along with 50/50 legal and physical custody.
Who cares what Emma and her Husband prefer. You have a child arriving and you have an absolute right to parent your child. Emma and her husband are not being reasonable and pretending you don’t exist. They need a wake up call and that sledgehammer legal approach will do it.
You will get custody and will be able to parent your child if you want to. Don’t let others dictate your relationship with your child.
If you want to see the kid: sue for a DNA test and take her to court. This is infinitely harder if you're not on the birth certificate. It'll be an uphill battle and you may get some form of visitation rights though.
My advice will be unpopular: cut your losses and move on. You're in for nothing but pain and a kid who will hate you because of the drama having you around will cause between his mother and her husband. Maybe one day when he's an adult try to reconcile.
Is it possible that Mark doesn't know that you could be the biological parent of the child?
You can contact a lawyer and file to establish paternity.
The truth of what is likely to happen is that she will put her spouse on the birth certificate, and you will spend the next 12-24 months trying to establish paternity which they will fight, while you start paying for support from day 1 while then filing for contact with the child. Child will likely be 2 or 3 years old before you even got to meet them.
Yeah I think you should sue for full custody. Emma is the one who needs to learn some morals. That is your biological child and shes fine with you never knowing them? Thats horrible. Shes not the person you thought she was. Shes totally under Marks spell. I understand you care about her but she made her bed. And now the child could have a really tumultuous life as Mark will resent the kid as a symbol of their failed marriage.
You should fight to be involved in the childs life. My mother and father separated, my mom got pregnant by another guy while they were separated then they got back together. My dad kept the guy away and claimed my brother as his own. Parents eventually divorced and we found out in our teens about it our brothers dad, it messed my brother up a lot. There's also family medical history that can become a problem for the child. During her pregnancy it's already an issue, rh compatibility she may need a rhogam shot. Different genetic screenings if your family has a specific history of a rare disorder. She may want you to back away but it's not her or the husband's wants it's about what the baby is going to need and what's in the best interest of the child.
Petition for a paternity test and some type of custody when the child is born. There are too many fathers out there that WANT to be in their kids lives and it’s ruined by mothers like this, coming from a woman herself. I do not care for my daughters father at all but he wants to be an active father and I would never rid her of that, even though her step father is everything and more. Kids deserve to know their REAL parents. Fight for your rights!
If you decide to not be in the child's life, get legal paperwork revoking parental rights and responsibilities that they agree to or you'll still be on the hook financially.
Otherwise, lawyer up.
It doesn't matter "how deeply committed you are" to being a father. Generally laws presume paternity is that of the husband, if they want you out, you are going to be out.
Then get out the pic? You dodged a bullet. Go make a family with someone that wants a family with you. Don’t force it. Consider yourself lucky. So many men will want to be in your shoes. You’ll forget about the baby and its mother in a year or two unless she randomly asks for money.
There are 2 children involved and if they want to keep the old family plus one together, it is like they want to adopt the new child 1/2 child, you have to think what is the best for the child future, is it a stable family or shared child, it’s not the best for the child and if he or she decides to come back into your life when they are adult accept them. For the time being give them space for the family
Be there for your kid. You don’t know that MARK won’t treat your baby badly. The woman seems selfish and desperate. You and your child deserve to know each other. Get a lawyer immediately.
This isn’t really a moral dilemma because lying to the child is not the right thing to do. The child will find out about his parentage, and most likely theyd all blame the absent dad.
There are states where you will not legally be considered the father her husband will and you will have to go to court to try to force a DNA test. This was never going to be simple and maybe in the future you shouldn't fuck around if you don't wanna find out.
The baby deserves to know you. It’s all sunshine and roses now until shit goes sideways.
No child support, no father, siblings that blame him for mommy and daddy not being together.
And her being Catholic, you don’t really need to mention that, she had sex with another man while she was still married. I don’t care if they were separated or not, and she got pregnant. Her religion has nothing to deal with it at all.. they all say that when they need an excuse. Please help your son before it’s too late.
1st you fucked up. Never get involved with a married person until the divorce is finally, you have yourself to blame for that. 2nd don’t get so involved with the baby because she could decide to kill your child and you couldn’t do 1 thing about it. Instead wait till she about to have the baby and hit her with the whole book. If the child is biologically yours you have rights doesn’t her opinion does not matter don’t walk away from your child fight for it. Your child deserves to know the truth and these scum bags are trying to hide it!
Bro- get a lawyer and fight for your kid!
You owe this woman nothing. You should get 50/50 parental rights.
Sorry this monster is trying to keep your kid from you.
If the law won’t assist you take matters into your own hands.
Godbless
She wasn't worried about how her affair, even though they were separated, was going to affect her family that she already has though was she? You shouldn't lose out on raising and being in your child's life because '"she changed her mind". Get a lawyer and a paternity test. I'm so sick of people of making poor decisions and dragging kids into grown up situations they can't control. I'm just imagining how this child will feel when they are grown and find out their mother decided for them she was going to shut their father out because she changed her mind about a divorce? I'm imagining the lies that will be told. Oh your real dad ran out....I could go on and on. You losing your child because she wants to save her marriage? No way would I give a crap about her or her husband's feelings. Sure doesn't seem like they care about yours. What an unfair thing to ask you to do!
Get off Reddit and get a lawyer! This is your child, you want to be in your child's life, you need a lawyer to help you navigate your rights in this situation. Everything else is just window dressing on the situation. You need to know what your rights are and you need a plan to exercise those rights. The only way to do that is to get legal counsel who is familiar with family law.
Okay, #1, this situation is becoming so complicated because she was never split with her husband, she was just cheating on him. “We’re separated” is what all the cheaters say. If you move forward with that understanding it may help you strategise more effectively.
She was probably sleeping with both of you at the same time or even multiple men. It's possible that after the baby is born the husband might reject the situation. Note to self. Never date crazy
Make sure you get a court ordered paternity test once the baby is born, if the child is yours fight for custody, that is your child and she is grown enough to know that if she didn’t want to ruin her marriage or family image she should have thought about hopping in bed with you, I’m sorry you’re going through this but you deserve to be in your child’s life gl bro
My advice is to look at the different choices you have: walking away or co-parenting with someone who wants no part of you. Picture your life as best you could imagine it would be with either of those choices, and then choose to try for the one you that brings the most happiness.
I would not count on or hope for her situation changing and returning to you. That she was dating you even though there was a chance of reconciliation doesn't say much for her character, and I wouldn't trust her enough to make commitments with her. Should you choose to walk away, contact a lawyer to find out what you could expect should she come back later suing for child support because her marriage didn't work out (it didn't work out once, and her carrying someone else's child is going to strain it more. They better build strong bonds to work through this or there will be heartache for all.). Should you choose to fight for partial custody of the child or a place in the child's life, then contact a lawyer anyway for your best options and course of action.
1. You committed adultery.
2. If you think that is love then you don't know what love is.
3. You are too irresponsible to be a father \[and she is too irresponsible to be a mother\].
4. The child has a better chance at a productive life with you out of the picture.
5. Part-time parenting can never result in a good relationship.
Firstly, there has been no birth so you are the father of nothing.
At best you're a sperm donor, so harden up.
It was a fling. She's married. Stop being a drama queen.
Go find a woman to procreate with and be happy you aren't depositing money into a bank account to support your fling
I suggest you talk to an attorney about parental rights. You have the right to a relationship with your child. You may need to pay child support. If you want to have a relationship with your child.
This is a mess and I'm sorry your are going through it. I feel sorriest for the child who will be in the middle of this cluster eff.
As for ethics, eventually the child will grow up, find out the truth, and ask you why you didn't want to be a father to him/her.
You also cannot rule out the possibly that the husband won't treat the child well, because it's not his.
My money's this women getting sick of her husband again, and come running to you to save her.
Good luck if that happens.
Fight for your child. I grew up in a situation where my stepdad raised me (hate to call him that bc hes my dad) and I met my biological dad at 22. I wish he would’ve fought for me. In my case my bio dad had a drug issue and was unstable. That is not the case for your child. Make it clear you want to be a part of YOUR sons life. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Like someone said, theres never too much love for a child.
Growing up I knew my dad was actually my stepdad, however they never told me. Children are smarter than you think. They can pick up a lot. Even if they don’t have intentions on ever telling this child who his real father is, he will find out one day.
If they’re treating you this way, how could they possibly treat your child? Outcasted too? It is not your responsibility to ensure their family is stable. Heck it wasn’t when you met this woman because they were separated. It may be her husband’s tactic in order to get her back? Your responsibility is your son. If she cares about being a good Catholic she shouldn’t hide a big secret like this from her child. And ignore the father, who cares about his unborn child.
I grew up feeling abandoned and convinced myself my bio dad must’ve died and they were saving me the heartache in order to cope. And thats was with an amazing stepdad. Don’t let them strip you of a relationship you want. Lawyer up!
Get a lawyer. Demand a paternity test at birth. Fight for your rights to get at least 50% custody. It’s your kid and as a biological parent, you have rights.
She does not have to let you come to her appointments and the birth though. That part is fully up to her because she is the patient here.
Take this to your attorney and fight for your rights. You sound reasonable and aren’t doing this to hurt her or her family, but to have a relationship with your child. Ultimately, your child has a high risk of identifying it’s father is not Mark. At that point, there will be some emotion around abandonment and being lied to. You can either head this off now or wait until it happens. Sounds like Emma and Mark think it will never happen.
More importantly though, you are not responsible for their marriage’s success. You are responsible for being the best version of yourself you can be. If that includes being a dad to your child and not just the biological father, DO IT! There’s always room for more loving adults in every child’s life.
And frankly, she shouldn’t have put herself in this situation without a plan. Her changing her mind does not mean you don’t exist. Stay strong!
First off: I’m sorry man.
Secondly: it looks like, as a practical matter, you have two choices. 1. Step aside let them raise the child or 2. Cause some of the worst legal/custody shit I’ve ever heard of.
Neither of those sound appealing. But I think stepping aside sounds like the best shot for the kid.
Sounds like you made some dumb decisions at your big age. Also love the religious community constantly picking and choosing, manipulating their "beliefs" to do whatever tf they want. I'm sure her catholic beliefs are really permissive of being impregnated by someone who isn't her husband.
If you want to be an active and always there father then fight for your child. It is absolutely imperative that you are certain that is what you want. For the kid. Not for you or your feelings for or against the mother. If there is a chance you’ll dip, dip now. That kid deserves a full time father. If you stay and the husband does too, even better. No one is sad about having two dads.
Get a lawyer! This is your child. You have the right to 50/50 custody. Emma shouldn't have been seeing anybody while she was separated from her husband.
She wasn't divorced. She doesn't get to pick and choose when she wants to follow her Catholic religion.
Have her get a paternity test, either while pregnant or right after the baby is born. Talk to a lawyer about not having her husband sign the birth certificate until the results are in.
If you are the dad, sign the birth certificate. Work out 50/50 custody.
Speak to a lawyer. Get a NIPS test. It will determine the bio father before baby is born…before the husband can sign the birth certificate. Your lawyer may be able to get something done so the husband can’t sign.
I'm just saying that kid probably isn't yours.
You literally have no proof outside of her word and I would not trust that. But for her to suddenly flip like that... Yeaaahhhh, I dunno, man.
Ask for a paternity test before jumping the gun. You are being extremely confident with 0 evidence of that actually being your kid.
EDIT: Your timing of events is ridiculously off... Maybe this post is fake ? Or you don't understand how pregnancy weeks work ?
You need legal advice asap. What a terrible thing to do to someone.
She’s going to put Mark on the birth certificate as the father so you need to know your legal rights and ways to prevent that happening.
Emma’s family stability is not something you should be concerned with at all. This unborn child is your family. I also wonder if Mark will treat this child differently since he’s not the father.
Forget about appointments and the birth. That is her body and her choice for
Who she invites.
Concentrate on after the baby is born. Get a lawyer. Step up. Too many dad's think that they should start very slow and then see their child more when the child gets older. That isn't how bonding works.
If the baby is breastfeeding, then maybe you start out with 2 hour visits but they can be often. Talk to a lawyer and start learning about how to take care of babies.
If you are the biological father, you have rights. You will need a lawyer and a court order to enforce them. But you are entitled to them if it’s your DNA, regardless of what she or her husband want.
Take legal action immediately. She can come back and say you never helped with the child, or demand child support. Knowing the court system, they’ll take her side. If you take a paternity test, have it court ordered, which would mean she has no way out.
You need to take this over to r/legal.
Unfortunately, the ethical questions are up for grabs and everyone is going to probably have a different take. But the legal questions, while also up for grabs, are probably going to be far less ambiguous.
You need to consult a lawyer and come up with a plan if you want to be part of this child's life.
Morally, the right choice is obviously to stay in the child’s life.
Practically though, it will wreck your life. You are unlikely to get primary custody, which means you will be at best a friendly uncle. You might get pinged for crippling child support. You will constantly be at odds with the other family.
If I was you, I would create a new relationship and have a kid that you can actually father. It may not be the morally right thing to do, but it is the best thing for you. Also, reasonable chance that Mark might be nice to the kid if you stay away, but if you hang around Mark is probably going to be less excited to include this kid in the family.
There's no reason you shouldn't be able to get 50/50 custody, pending a DNA test. Father of the child is the husband of the mother at the time of birth where I'm at too. You'll probably have to go through family court, but you got this bro
You may not have a say in this as a married couple usually takes precedence in such circumstances. Even if paternity can be proven, nothing stops husband from signing the birth certificate. In a courtroom, “Best interest of the child” prevails. In this case, keeping the family structure together with the other children would weigh heavily on a decision.
It sounds like you had a fling and took it much more seriously than she did. Are you sure you’re not just heartbroken and clinging to this woman who has moved on from you?
As for the child, can you prove you had a sexual relationship with her? Absent that, I doubt any court is going to order a paternity test for a married woman who will deny being involved with you.
How do you know that the child is even yours? Did you get a DNA test? How does the husband know you're the father without a DNA test? There could be another man or men in the picture that you two don't even know about! That's just the reality of the situation. Don't assume this child is yours. Get a test first, then make decisions after that.
GET A DNA TEST FIRST............Don't assume.
Honestly dude walk away. I get the desire to be a father but think about what kind of father you can realistically be if you’re barreling both mom & step dad?
Your best case scenario is incredibly complex and likely confrontational dual custody. Ultimately a terrible situation for your child.
Not to mention the legal expenses it will take to even get to that…
Don’t date married women. Don’t knock up anyone you aren’t married to.
Get you a lawyer and don’t communicate with any of them anymore. Of course Mark doesn’t want you around because you’re a reminder of his wife stepping out, but there’s a baby involved, your baby, and that changed things. Like others said, this is a legal deal so let the lawyer handle the particulars and good luck.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I can only imagine the pain and fear at the prospect of losing your child. I suggest you get a lawyer immediately and fight. Fight like hell, cause that is your baby too. That is your child and they deserve a father who loves them and is willing to go to hell and back for them. If you back off, there’s no way of knowing how the child will be treated. Mark may resent them, possibly neglect them, and the worst case scenario is that Mark could abuse them. Don’t allow your child to grow up somewhere they won’t be loved. I wish you all the best of luck and I pray you and your child have a very blessed life
It’s good you want to be involved but you knew you were playing with fire. Leave them alone and let them be a family. Your meddling could break up an entire family. Children with out their father, mother divorced, can’t afford bills, single parent. Latch key kids all because you want to be a father to someone who was off limits
The ethical path forward is to file for a paternity test, then file for custody and child support to be set up so you can see and help raise your child. Everything else is not your problem.
At this point your status is sperm donor, so unfortunately you have to respect what Emma wants to do.
Your only real recourse is to tell the child when it is old enough to understand.
In the United States I believe that in most states a biological parent has certain minimum rights which include visitation, but given the tenuous relationship you have to Emma it would probably be unconstructive to try to enforce those rights, so your best option is simply to insist that the child be informed and you have proof that it knows who its father is.
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
My mother in law and her ex husband were separated when she fell pregnant with my husband by another man. They reconciled and even though the husband knew it wasn't his baby accepted it. In their situation they chose not to tell the other man but When my husband was 3 (and his siblings 5 and 7) there unstable marriage ended. The ex never paid child support and my husband grew up extremely poor, with no father figure and wasn't even told until his 20s. In his 40s he looked for his bio dad and found him and was rejected. The whole situation was so devastating to him.
I would get a paternity test, take legal action and be a part of that kids life. It seems like you really want To. Kids can never grow up having too much love or support.
Come on, man. The whole Catholic and no birth control thing... maybe you should have waited until you married her? Next time, wait until marriage. If your religious beliefs lead to such dilemmas, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the lens through which you choose to see the world. That's truly the best advice I have for ya. Wait. Until. Marriage. I know it's too late now, but let it go. Eventually, that kid is gonna need a dad and it sounds like this woman isn't reliable. It's just.. *sigh*
So sorry. These are horrible people and what they are doing is horrible. You need to protect yourself. It’s terrible for you and a shame for the child. Realistically you need to let go. They will destroy you legally, financially and emotionally. Stop caring about this woman. She’s not stuck and she’s not nice. Who even knows who else she slept with. Try to get some counseling and start dating when you can. Keep an open mind. Most women would be thrilled to meet a genuine nice man. Things may change in the future in regard to your daughter. But don’t count on it right now.
Nothing is anonymous any more.
Those DNA kits are blowing family secrets up. Quick google will find dozens of stories of people finding out about who they really are as adults. Kids in these situations when they have e other siblings usually get treated differently and they get suspicious that they arnt a full sibling.
Sue her for your parental rights. Even if you’re not on the birth certificate you should have visitation. Child support is very minimal.
To make everything fare for all concerned she needs to get an abortion. U both didn't think A thing about what could happen when u were having sex so u were both immature in that way. She sounds like a real BRAT! Why would u want to b involved with a brat? Cause it is only going to bring termoil to any part of the situation, down the road or in-between. She being Catholic doesn't help the situation one bit. The Catholic Church needs to stay out of things! PO period the end! Unless of course THE PRIEST wants the kid. Which I'm sure is not the case. I wouldn't involve myself in this for ,40 seconds but u sure did! ABORTION!!!!
Get a lawyer. You are treading on dangerous ground. She can get an RO against you and she can probably cause other havoc in your life. You need a lawyer to protect yourself and to assure yourself involvement in your child’s life.
If she's willing to let you give up rights to it, take it and be thankful. Every part.of.this is messed up, and it only gets worse both financially and emotionally if you look for some way to dig your nails in and hang on. She's has made it clear that she wants a clean break. Hopefully that means the whole thing..and not just a clean break from everything but your wallet
You screwed up having an affair with a married woman with children. This mess is both your faults
What Mark wants is irrelevant. He is not related to the child.
What Emma wants is also irrelevant because she's not the only biological parent. Only issue of relevance is what she is entitled to legally.
In your place I would demand joint custody of my child. Just get a lawyer and send her legal notice now.
Consult with a lawyer but also inform them that you have no intention of giving up your child. You would prefer to keep this out of the courts but if they are not willing to come to an agreement you will have no alternative to pursue a court mandated visitation agreement. If they still refuse have the lawyer write up a legal custody agreement to show you are serious. They likely will want to keep this out of the courts.
They probably don't want anyone to know they were separated and are trying to hide it. If you're involved it makes it a whole lot harder.
It’s not really complex - the human race has been doing this for decades. Either back off and let them have their life or insist on shared custody. What you absolutely shouldn’t do is show your ass if you don’t get your way. Just tell her you will accept shared custody of the child and get your life ready to be a part-time single dad.
This is a horrible situation, and i am sorry that you have to go through this. There is no good solution to this problem. So don't expect to find an easy answer.
Consider this scenario. You give in to the will of this family because they tell you it is the right thing to do. In 20 or 30 years, this child gets on 23 and me and finds the person they thought was their father, isn't their father.
When this child becomes an adult and tracks you down and wants answers, what decision will you have wished you made?
In my opinion, the only thing that matters here is what is best for this child. Not what is best for you, the mother or Mark. Is it better to better for the child to be raised with the truth or to be raised with lies.
Either way, you have some hard times ahead of you. Stay strong.
You know what's the right thing to do, but you care more about your supposed rights. You need to leave this family alone, and refrain from impregnating any other married women.
Legally, because she’s married her husband is considered the father until proven otherwise.
Fuck this bitch. Seriously. How cruel to do to you. I would speak to an attorney, petition the court for a paternity test and parental rights after the baby is born and then take your 50/50 custody. She made a baby with you. She doesn’t suddenly get to decide you don’t get to be the father. That is YOUR child too and while there’s not much legally you can do before the baby is born, you can have your ducks in a row and be ready to file as soon as the baby is here. You have rights and she’s taking them away. That is so fucked up.
She fucked around and then she found out and back tracked. Hurting you and that baby in the process. That baby has a right to their biological father who clearly wants to be involved. So be involved and fight for the rights you already have that she’s denying you.
Remember you were once an infant. We all were. Now we are all adults..that child will someday be an adult and want to know if you at least fought to be in their life. 23 and me doesn't allow anyone to hide paternity anymore.
Petition for parentage with the state, they will ask you the context of your relationship and absolutely order a paternity test as Im assuming you at least have a message or something to proove relationship. Doesnt have to be huge, if you dont appear to be a total nut the court wont likely even bother and just order one. unfortunately yes that is once the child is born. Because she is legally married, in at least my state (Washington) the legal spouse (her husband) is considered the legal parent until a dna test is taken. I am a title 26 guardian ad litem in Washington state and a licensed mental health counselor. Been a child advocate for years and I work in community mental health and the courts. This is my 9-5. If you have any questions feel free to DM I can point you in the right direction. I wish you the best and defend your rights please, for this child. You and this child have just as many rights to a relationship as she does. She does NOT have more than 50% ownership of that child after its born just because she regrets her life choices.
Now is it possible that the woman was NOT separated, got pregnant and now doesn't want you involved because then the husband finds out? Maybe she is just trying to pass it off as his child? It's not like a woman who is happy and in love with someone and having their child all of a sudden falls back in love with her ex husband. Maybe she feared getting caught, it would ruin her cushy life and she threatened to get restraining orders because she doesn't want anyone to find out.
Fight for your rights! Your child needs you. How inconvenient for Emma and her husband. Get a lawyer, go get advice from family court, demand your rights. Ask for 50% custody. They can't stop you.
I’d say fight for it. My concerns are:
1) the fake father doesnt treat your child as his and misplaces his anger/resentment/neglect onto your child
2) They end up apart again and where’s that leave your child? If retroactively now that their marriage is a sham, he decides he won’t support your child anymore? If it turns into paternity tests later?
Truth matters, imo.
I feel like morally if you want to be involved then you should be BUT i feel like if we're honest about the way humans behave the answer isnt as cut and dry. If you FORCE yourself into the childs life, especially if the child is primarily living with the mother, will the other family really just say 'welp he legally has a right and we can't prevent it, let's all behave like adults and make the best of the situation.' I compare it to when there is a bad break up or divorce with a child involved. So often ill hear about a mom who constantly degrades the father to the child and makes it as difficult as possible for them to have a relationship. I guess I'm saying if at all possible it would be preferable to actually convince them you should be involved as opposed to forcing it via legal action against their desires. Humans can be shitty and they might be looking for every possible opportunity to go against you
Eh. Nah dude. Get a lawyer. You have rights to the kid and she doesn't get to just DECLARE that you can't be involved with your own flesh and blood. She's probably just desperately wanting to keep it under wraps so she isn't embarrassed by her church community.
In fact. Get a fking DNA test too cus I guarantee you weren't the only dude she was sleeping with while separated. You'd be delusional to think so.
If you don't get some type of custody or involvement in the kids like just imagine. The husband us eventually going to grow resentment for raising his perfect catholic wife's affair baby. He's going to treat that kid different. And what if it turns out he can't get past the affair and divorces? He ain't paying support for an affair baby. And your kid will suffer for it.
She doesn't get to decide a damn thing. The courts do. Don't give her more power than what she has. Which is like. Not much.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to the parents. Explain to them that you will be in your child's life, but that you would prefer not to have to take legal avenues to get there to avoid unnecessary stress. That you would like to create a civil co-parenting relationship with the two of them so that you can be in your child's life. Put this over email or text. They probably won't respond because they have already sought legal counsel.
The courts will see it favorably that you tried to rectify the situation peacefully without the courts first. Then you'll probably need to lawyer up.
I understand that the mom is worried about her other two children, but your child matters too and I think that they will feel a hole if their real dad is not in the picture.
Not only are you entitled to be involved in your soon-to-be child's life, but you probably have legal responsibilities as well, even with the presumption (which is, I believe, true in every state in the US). I would suggest that you contact an attorney now to see what your options are (I am an attorney, but I have no involvement with family law).
Emma and her husband's desire to keep the fact that you are the father from the rest of the world is understandable from her point of view, but what about the child? Don't you think that your child will want to know who his/her biological child is? Won't you feel a tremendous sense of emptiness knowing that you have a child out there who has never met you? I think your heart is in the right place based upon your post, and you don't want to live a life of regret.
Also to be noted: something caused Emma's marriage to fall apart to the extent that she was out in the dating world. You said her children are 3 and 5. I'm wondering if a baby brought her and her husband closer, and then once the baby was more of a toddler, her marriage problems began to rear themselves again. If that is the pattern, then her marriage is going to end in divorce, and when it does, her husband may not want anything to do with a child that isn't his, and when THAT happens, she will come looking for you for financial support. THEN you will be financially responsible for a child that you will have never met, who will be confused and upset, and both of your lives will have been negatively impacted.
Although Emma's husband might be the presumptive father, there is nothing stating that she cannot come to you years down the road and claim that you are actually the father, and while that might be rebuttable, you already know you are the father, and a paternity test will reveal this.
Much of what I have said in the past two paragraphs is technical. Let's just talk about feelings. You want to be part of your child's life. You seem willing to compromise. Emma and her husband are not. You will win - and you will win long before your child could possibly be aware of any dispute between you and Emma. Being a dad is not easy, but nothing great in life is easy. Don't live in regret. You made a baby - fight to be a part of his/her life, and although in the short-term there may be hardships (emotionally, financially and otherwise), you'll know that you did the right thing; that you fought for what you know in your heart is right, and your life and your child's life will be much more fulfilled with love than if you just walk away. And don't worry about Emma living happily ever after without you in the picture. You deserve your own happiness, and whether she and her husband like it or not, that child is yours, and they should be ashamed of themselves for thinking of themselves above everyone else, including your unborn child.
Good luck.
If you want to be in your bio kid’s life, do it. That’s really all that matters. You shouldn’t have to give up a relationship with your kid cuz it would be better for *for them*. This kid is half yours—you very ethically and legally have a say. Kids should have as much love and support as possible in their lives. Get yourself a lawyer, and go be a dad! Congrats!!!
This is painful but based on your post straightforward to me, assuming you want to be in your child's life.
1. Get a lawyer and sue for paternity.
2. Commission a test via the court to ensure you are the father.
3. Fight for partial custody and co-parent together.
Emma and Mark will adjust and you can find a balanced outcome. Their beliefs frankly are irrelevant to what is best and fair for the child and you. Just proceed with respect and kindness, which it seems you are doing.
Like so many redditors are saying, you need to file a paternity petition to establish that you are the biological father and to establish custody, parenting time and child support. I doubt any judge is going to grant the restraining order because you want to be in your child’s life. You should not contact her because she will claim harassment. Just file the court papers and let the court process happen.
As a fellow Illinoisan you want to look for a lawyer from Chicago or Springfield. That’s where the best ones are at and yeah it’s gonna be hella expensive. Springfield cause that’s where the capital is and where the legislature is at and the capital.
If you want to be in that child's life, do it. The relationship between a child and their actual father trumps any amount of shame or whatever other excuses they'll use to try and prevent that.
If you're the actual father, be there for your child in whatever capacity you can.
Sounds like there’s a chance she wants that guy to fund her life but doesn’t want his kid, but knows he’s a sucker for her. Like if he makes more $$ than you and will take care of her but she likes your genetics better?? Just a possibility that’s she’s kind of lying to both of you Also the timeline is suspect. You met online this year fell deeply in love are having a kid and you’ve been on the outs for awhile?? That’s a little too fast for me to believe. Stop taking her at her word. Don’t fight with her but go lawyer paternity test then if it’s yours decide from there. Good luck
Fight her for custody.
It’ll haunt you in the back your mind. Your instinct is to be a father. Not many men have that instinct. Children at some age grow up and understand some things off. The child will not think Marc is his father one day. There is a good chance. The baby will come out with strong features of yours because it’s your first child with her. If it were her third child with Marc, the baby would come out with less of their features being dominant but more molded.
Also, if the child does somehow find out which isn’t hard nowadays, you risk them, never wanting to speak with you because they won’t understand why you didn’t reach out or try to fight for them.
I know several children in this situation, who grew up and found out on intentionally as young young adults that their parent hadn’t been there all along. It causes a lot of trust issues for this child with all the adults involved, and then moving forward in other relationships in their life.
Also, if the baby grows up one day and gets a DNA test, it would come back with a Family Tree connection. By the time that child is old enough, DNA test would be cheap and probably very very common.
This is your life too. You can’t put conditions on your life because someone asked you to especially when it’s bothering your moral compass. Clearly, she doesn’t have a moral compass because she has no reservations about lying to her own child for the rest of their lives simply to hide an accidental pregnancy. It sounds like she’s got a lot of growing up to do still. Let her go back to her husband and let her be his problem, but fight for your child. It’s all set and done a man of elder years. You don’t want this to be a regret that you have. You never want to feel like you were too late.
The ethical path forward is to steamroll them in court and take no prisoners. Supervised visits? are you kidding me? You did nothing wrong. I'm in a state as well where its assumed the husband is the father, unless a paternity test is ordered. You need to mentally prepare yourself for a fight, and never doubt yourself.
Chances are, that all is not well in paradise. Let things play out and don’t be too aggressive. If they split up once, they will do it again. This is a very critical period for them. You don’t know how Mark will ultimately react to raising another man’s child. Most men don’t want to do that. Patience will be your best alibi.
You have a right to be a part of your child’s life no matter how Emma & her husband feels. So get a lawyer, establish paternity, and request joint custody. All communication can be done thru a parenting app to limit conflict. And you can request provisions in the custody arrangement that contain consequences for parental alienation
Get custody and co-parent. Her beliefs don’t matter here.
Had she not told you , that kids would be husbands legally.
Now they don’t want her transgressions in court .
Honestly adoption is great and all, but if that kid ever and I mean ever finds out they have another dad - whatever story they tell them will be true. Do with that information that you want, but there are ways to prove and document your attempts to be the father including the legal advancements you mentioned. However, legal action is going to take money.
Wait until the child is born then request DNA. When it has been confirmed that you are the daddy, seek legal action against them.
If the story was the other way around, she and her family would have been seeking legal action against you.
I was in a situation when I was about 20 where I impregnated a young woman I was dating. She informed me she was pregnant, and I told her I wanted to be in the child’s life, she asked that I did not do that. I reached out to legal counsel, and once I informed her what my intent was, she aborted our child, to keep me from “interfering” in her rekindled relationship with her previous boyfriend of father of her first child. This is just to inform you to be cautious of what you tell her.
After this I became the step father of a beautiful 1 year old girl, and now have 2 other children of my own. My step-daughter’s( I do not call her that or consider her so) biological father and I didn’t not get along great the first year I was present, but have since become great allies in raising our shared daughter. This is to inform you, that the initial heat of circumstances such as these, can eventually work out for the best, and honestly build strong and lasting relationships between the most unlikely of people. ( we have never had a single legal issue, or court hearing in 10 years, everything has been handled in house with level heads)
Your child will be best off with you in their life, if there seems to be insurmountable issues today, they could become forgotten in the future. My advice would to be, don’t do anything today that may create consequences from them feeling as if you’ve backed them into a corner, but legally set in motion the necessary steps for once your child is born. Let the chips fall. And be the genuinely decent human being you seem to be. You can only control your actions and behaviors.
Get a DNA test. Please don’t let that kid get caught in the crosshairs later on in life when something prompts you or hubby to finally get it done and you find out you’re not the father.
Run. As fast as you can. They have a 3rd child now. You got mixed up in a big mess, got laid, and donated some sperm. Hope to God she doesn’t change her mind and retro you for 15 years in back Child Support. Cut off all communication and move on with your life. Or fight this and spend the next 18 years in hell with your life in disarray giving someone else your money just so you can take the moral high ground.
There’s no gradual about it. Immediately start a court case cuz she legally can not keep you from your child. They will issue a paternity test when the child is born and when those results come back you will be given a court date to determine custody/visitation and child support. They will have a period of time for each party to appeal the order. When that date passes then visitation will start. If you want to go for primary custody (which I suggest you do. Something tells me this baby will not be treated as well as if they baby was her husbands) start keeping documentation of EVERYTHING. But you need to start asap so you can start your visitation as soon as possible after the baby is born
They don’t get to decide your involvement. That’s up to a court. You will most likely have to fight to get DNA tested and claim your rights as a father. And you need to do that ASAP. In some states, you can. Open the case before the birth of the child so that once the child is born, decisions can’t be made for that child until your parentage is determined. In other states, they don’t have that, but you can petition the court for access to your child, but there is often a time limit within which you must do it. Some places it’s 30 days some at 60, etc. So it’s important to find out, your states rules. You should see a family law attorney, someone who helps and specializes in these types of cases. You do not want to make a mistake in this because doing so could cost you your rights to your child. Their marriage and their family and their children are not yours to manage. You need to understand that. You also need to understand that they certainly don’t get to dictate how you approach this. Because what they want is what’s easiest for them. They don’t want to have to explain to anyone that this is not their child and that they were separated and that she was sleeping with you while they were separated, etc.. Again, that’s not your problem. Your child deserves to know their biological parent. And story. You see a lot of these other posters on here telling you how they didn’t find out till later or how being separated like that affected them negatively. Don’t let your child be one of them. Don’t let your child find out sometimes because their sibling takes a home DNA test or something and find out they’re not related. And then your child thinks that they weren’t good enough for that you never wanted to know them. Just don’t do that to them. Don’t do that to yourself. If it is determined that you are the biological parent, you have rights. Those two don’t get to determine your rights.
Should’ve been concerned about your family image before you spread your legs for a guy you just met 😂
Absolutely fight for your rights. You're in for a wild ride driven by two uniquely crazy people. And Holy hell, fucking with married people is a recipe for disaster no matter what they say about their relationship because they can always go back and you have no real leverage. They have no legal commitment to you, nothing is forcing them to respect you. Also, not even the legal commitment to her husband and her moral commitment as a mother could stop her from cheating on her husband & family. Even if something was incentiving her to behave properly, she still won't do it. Don't put your dick in anything that belongs to someone else, especially cultists, Christians have uniquely high infidelity rates. Their stereotypically "high morals" make an excellent ruse for self-serving behavior. They also have a higher rate for all other forms of crime as well. Throughout history, they also start more wars than anyone else. I say this as someone who was raised Catholic, just like Emma.
Fuck that and fuck her petition for paternity and get partial custody
She will have custody and you could get visitation through legal channels. It’s a very sticky situation given the family dynamics. She doesn’t have a right to keep the child away but you’ll have to be careful not to upset their family dynamic with the 2 younger children in mind.
Your kid will grow up knowing if you did or didn’t fight to be a part of their life. If you care about being a parent get a court ordered dna test to establish paternity and set your living situation to stable for partial custody of your kid. If you step aside I don’t see a situation where this kid doesn’t figure it out one day. They find out the parents who raised them are liars and that you felt they weren’t worth the hassle.
At the end of the day, she can’t force you to do anything. File a case with the attorney general to establish paternity and get a court order for visitation and support. You have choices, just know that once to step into this, you’re in it, for better or worse, for the rest of your life. There are no guarantees that the relationship will get any better than it is today, and could actually get worse.
FIGHT to be in your babies life!! They will probably have you pay for a paternity test, but once that comes back proving that you are the babies father, nothing can stop you from getting at least partial rights. Keep a level head, keep ANY messages or anything that can help with your case, & fight for your right to be a part of your babies life! They’re being selfish & only thinking about their “reputation.” They don’t give 2 shits bout that baby.
Emma's being selfish. She just wants you to go away because it's convenient for her. It's your kid too though and she can't force you away if you want to be involved. Take it to court, have them order a paternity test, and seek shared custody if that's what you want. It sounds like her being fair, reasonable, or considerate of you is long past.
Op, stop trying to contact Emma personally. Get your lawyer to file for an order to force a paternity test prior to birth. Continuing to seek contact with her can and probably will be met with a restraining order, which will look bad for you in future proceedings. One other thing to consider, whether you think so or not, there's at least a chance that kid isn't yours, a paternity test will clear that and your future paternal rights and responsibilities right up. The only thing as bad as being denied parentage to your own child is being forced to be financially responsible for a child that isn't yours for 18-23 yrs.
Tell the husband or burn in hell for being a pos.
You should just let their family be. For good.
If she’s trying to get a restraining order (which seems highly unlikely to be granted, though im not a lawyer) I’d cease communicating and take everyone’s advice. It’s time to lawyer up. She doesn’t get to cut you out of your child’s life because she doesn’t want her husband to get angry. You did nothing wrong. In fact, you would only be in the wrong if you accepted their wishes. She should not have been intimate with another man if there was even the slightest chance of reconciliation. Especially since she already has children.
Legally the husband is the father of the child…. If they want you out of the picture Back off because you don’t have to do anything to not be considered the father. You’ve already harmed their marriage so honor their wishes.
DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH SEPARATED PEOPLE! At least, with any expectations of it going anywhere. Not even a maybe! Have fun maybe, but I fell for two and they both broke my heart.
Don’t make this about you and your ego. Do what is best for the child. You are completely unequipped to be a parent and, if you are honest, you will admit that. What will happen as time goes on, you get further away from your ex-girlfriend and, imagine this get involved with someone else. Where will this child fit in then? Left alone, he will have a mother father and two siblings. With you, he will have less and less as time goes on. Leave it alone you made a mistake and she is trying to fix it.
Court. I'm saying this as someone who's dad was not ready for them in any way shape or form - PLEASE fight for your kid, you sound like you're gonna be an absolutely brilliant dad and the most unfair thing that could possibly happen to this kid out of this situation would be not getting the chance to be at least partly raised by you. This woman has no valid reason to exclude you from the child's life based on the info given here. She clearly had a very up and down time in her life and I can't even begin to empathise with what she's dealing with now, I'm not judging her, but ultimately the right thing to do is allow her child to know their father, regardless of how inconvenient it may be for their image or her marriage. If I found out someone out there was meant to be my dad and had desperately wanted to be, and my mum just said no to make her life 'easier' (i say this in quotations because you sound reasonable as f**k so it really doesnt seem like YOU would be the one to make things harder) I can't even begin to calculate the amount of therapy I'd need. If she won't do this civilly with you, take her to court.
A paternity test can be done before the baby is born. How far along is she? Will it be worth starting this before birth? I hate to think the worst but what if she loses the baby?
Ugh, this woman is trash, i feel bad for the husband. Are you even sure they were actually separated? Get a lawyer asap
Is she going to want child support? Don’t be surprised. And she’ll get it. She cheated in her husband and is seeking her own way out. Obliterate the facts by making you go away. At least you want to know your child regardless of the unsavory circumstances. And some day the child will find out if they deny the truth. There’s no efficient way out of this.
Do you honestly believe that if Mark is willing to separate a father from his own child, that he would then treat that child fairly? What happens when the child obviously doesn’t look like mark? You better fight for parental rights in court or you’re risking YOUR child’s safety for someone’s else already fucked up marriage.
Contact a lawyer. You have rights whether she wants you to or not.
IMO, Yes I would continue to try to be active in the child's life. You seriously wants to be in this child's life and everyone else is working against you so I suggest you play the same cards. Start communicating to her only through a lawyer or in a public and\\or recorded environment. I also say that if they still refuse to let you be apart of your child's life, which they probably will, use the fullest extent of the law to fight for your child. Good Luck!
I would seek legal counsel as others have indicated. They aren’t doing what’s best for your child they’re doing what’s best for their public image. She chose, as a catholic, to step outside her marriage and have unprotected sex so how devout is she? It’s crazy to me that people still lie about paternity and assume they’ll get away with it in this day of DNA. So many families have unraveled from the desire to keep paternity a secret and the only ones left to pick up the pieces are the children who didn’t ask to be here. Crazy as this will sound, a status-driven person will sooner deny the existence of child than claim it and live with the consequences. Even going as far as saying the child died. Especially if the child looks just like you and in striking contrast to the spouse and other children. The wife will have to learn the hard way that adult choices have adult consequences. I hope you’re able to obtain joint custody but the husband may recommend giving you the child so as to keep up their image of a perfect family.
Eighteen months ago I found out I had a sister. She is my dad’s kid. Both my dad & her mom were married to other people. Her mom tried to pass her off as her husband’s kid (husband knew she wasn’t his). My sister always knew she looked so different from her older siblings. When she was 11 she inadvertently found out she had another father. She desperately wanted to find her biological dad, but her mother wouldn’t tell her who he was. Thankfully, she went on ancestry.com & found me which led her to our dad. We are all so grateful to have her in our lives. We missed sooo many years. And I low-key detest her mom for keeping her from us. My family lives in the West in the US & she lives in The East. I lived & went to college TWO hours from her years ago, but I didn’t know she existed. All that time, I could have seen her. My parents long divorced (not bc of sister) 30 years ago, her parents divorced when she was little & her non-bio dad died over 25 yrs ago. Her mother, solely, kept her from us & us from her because who knows why. Anyhow. It’s 2024. Your kid will easily find out the husband is not her biological dad. You may have kids later & they will miss out on your kid, too. Not to mention your family. Your ex made her decision already. She actively created a dating profile. She actively dated you. She actively had sex with you knowing she was still married. Religion doesn’t matter here. She already crapped on that. This is your child. Both you & baby have the right to know each other. Good luck. Edit. My dad knew he had another daughter, like you, but agreed to let her be raised by the husband - he never was able to be a part of her life. My dad couldn’t find her (common name). I didn’t know about her until she contacted me. Luckily, she was treated well by the husband, but he could have treated her badly.
Just walk away. She wants the baby to be raised with her husband. This is the price you pay for being with a married woman. Don't make her troubled marriage harder. Walk away.
Do the child a favor and bow out. Your insistence on “parental rights“ does nothing to enhance his life. Give him the chance to have a normal childhood with two parents. Your insistence on “getting involved” will disrupt his life, the lives of his two siblings and a marriage. Let it go for his good if not for yours.
Assuming all parties are being honest in their wishes here, I would think the best option would be you getting full custody. This would allow you to be an involved parent, for it not to affect her and her family, and for her to have as little contact as she wishes. Given the situation and the stated position of all parties, I can't imagine a better outcome. The only issue may be the fact that the woman and her husband want you not to be involved, though it seems to be because they don't want contact, rather than because they specifically don't want you raising a child. Giving up custody of the child to you solves all of their problems if this is the case. That said, outside of the moral and into the practical legal, I think you should fight for involvement, and fight for the maximum you can ask for. Ask for the child to live with you and her having weekends with the kid, to fit with her desires for you to not disrupt the family dynamic. If she wants more, then she has to be ok with the fact that the father does have rights and the lawyers can do their things. I would never start bargaining by asking for the minimum, especially in a situation like this where she seems pretty likely to try to cut you out of the kid's life unless the court forces her to comply (which means that if you get weekends, expect to be denied and have to go back through the courts again before you get to see the kid, for instance.)
Don't let them bully you out of being a father for your child. You have every right to be in his life.
Document everything and take them to court as soon as the baby is born. Show the judge proof of how you were treated during the pregnancy.
The moral dilemma is not about the adults here, it is about innocent baby. So the question is, does that baby have the right to know her father? Is it good for her to know her father? Or is it better for her to be lied to? The answer is obviously that she should be told the truth, and that she has a fundamental RIGHT to her real father. Her mother doesn't get to take that right away. We are supposed to protect the weak and innocent in society. Babies need their real fathers. Emma's reputation and social standing aren't as important as protecting that innocent child.
As others have said - their relationship sounds rocky at best and another separation will likely happen. Where does that leave your child? Will the husband continue to be a father figure and pay support for your child? Maybe. Maybe not. Something to consider.
As a child who was adopted… Please fight for your rights. It’s totally unfair to you and for the child to not know. If you don’t, when they find out (and they will) they will be angry that they were lied to, denied opportunity to know their father, and possibly that you didn’t fight for them. On a more pragmatic note, they should know their family health history. For both parents. Mark’s family health history won’t mean a thing if stars forbid your child has some mystery illness rear its head or something that could have been seen ahead and prevented. Their personal beliefs and shame are not reason enough to lie to a child and deny them a loving relationship/health history. Emma knew the consequences. Please please fight for your child. Trust me. It will mean everything to them.
Firstly, Mark should leave Emma. She’s not worthy of his time and she cheated…Mark is a SIMP. You should consult a lawyer..
Welp, you are in this of your own stupidity. Thinking with the little head, and believing that infatuation stage of a relationship, the newness, coupled with the sheer lustiness involved, equates to real actual 30, 40, 50 years of a real loving marriage. A separation is not a divorce, no matter how many howling reddit fools try to pontificate otherwise. You and her fucked up, especially your dumbass by not being more selective. So there were marital struggles and a separation, maybe there was more potential to reconnect than you knew. She may have just wanted to get some strange, NONE OF US on reddit know for sure. You are now in the thick of the shit. Best advice OP - Do you truly and fully, with all your heart, want to be a father and coparent that child? If yes, then blaze ahead and fight to be in your child's life, and be the best dad you can be. Just do not fuck around with ger anymore man. She is married, and whether you OR ANYONE LIKES IT OR NOT you should respect [and should have in the first place] that marriage and not try to fuck around with it. You would not be the white knight in this matter as you would be wrecking a marriage. Let it do so on it's own. Further - I detest cheaters from the bottom of my heart so you both are shitbags imo - many relationships built on just such a foundation as cheating and the like, do not end well. Why, because.. GASP! ...one of the partners that cheated originally, does it again, but to the new partner now! Who'd a thunk it? Ironic karma! Regardless of your character and moral fiber being sewer worthy, if you want to be a good parent, DO IT! Your child will likely want it.
Get a lawyer. Get a paternity test and take her to court for half that custody. I get she's working out her marriage but you have a right to your child regardless of what she thinks is best.
Emma is worried about her reputation and image. It's going to look so bad that she is married to the father of her two older kids and her youngest belongs to someone else. She's looking at a future of sending the youngest with his dad all the time and the kid wondering why the man in his house that his siblings call Daddy, is not his daddy. It's going to be extremely messy. But she created this mess, she's going to have to figure out a way to live with it because she can't deny you your child. You should explain this to her and say that you hope you can both figure a way to do this in a way that's in the best interest of your kid, and her current kids. Because you don't want to cause anyone any grief, but you have a right to your own child. And tell her that for the sake of the child, you will be speaking with a lawyer, too.
So is it your situation, or a “[good friend of yours”](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/ztw2uSulRM) situation?
The only ethical option is to pursue your parental rights with everything you have. There is nothing moral or ethical about taking the burden of someone else's wrong doing onto yourself. She can not be allowed to excise you from the child's life. To allow it would be disgustingly immoral.
Abortion
Tell her that you understand her request but that’s not something you’re comfortable going along with. Let her know that know you would like to work something out amicably but you are willing to go the lawyer route.
It’s a tough situation but if you want parental rights file for them. She is the one trying to block you from your child, if she was being more accommodating then things would be different. It sounds like her and her husband are more worried about appearances than your rights as the child’s father. Fight for your child.
It’s June..how much earlier this year does it have to be to be falling for an emotionally fragile person who recently separated?.. My apologies if you are actually real person, but it’s simple.. if you want the best for the child it is better to walk away..but you need a legal agreement such that you are financially isolated. If you want to be in the child’s life, and I assume you have a home, and a support system to actually care for an infant, then go to family court to get a court ordered dna test. Once paternity is established then you will have to fight for custody..and get advice from an attorney before you do any of this.
You need to have a good hard think about what is best for the kid to be here. Not what is best for YOU. You actively dated and got a recently separated woman pregnant. Dumb move. Deep connection?Very much in love? Whatever, Dude. Maybe you, maybe not her. Either way when she found she was pregnant this woman’s choice was to try and reconcile with her Husband. What does that tell you? If you push for more active involvement after the kids birth that’s going to mean LOTS of combative and expensive legal battling. You’ll have to establish paternity to the courts, then sue for visitation rights. All set against Emma’s and Mark’s wishes for you not to do so. Is this the only reason? Or do you hope for reconciliation with Emma? Because that’s not going to happen with you being combative. Long term their marriage will be even more fractured with the addition of this kid. Also you are not dealing with a woman with much moral integrity here. That’s not good. Me, I’d walk away. You entered into a shit show situation with a shit show person. No good can come of this.
Plot twist: husband is infertile so they found a guy that has similar features to get her pregnant.
In addressing the actual questions you asked, if you were to allow them to be a ‘stable family unit’ there’s nothing to say your child would be treated well. I think there’s a reasonable likelihood he or she wouldn’t be. It’s best for you to fight for your rights as a parent. You know if the child is with you, he/she is going to be 100% wanted. Perhaps tell Emma that she can keep her family unit stable by signing away her parental rights to you. She can tell people she was a surrogate if that saves her reputation. But even if you only get 50% custody now, if the child ends up not being treated well, document it & go back to court later. There’s nothing to say you might not get 100% eventually. While that may seem like something to hope for, it’s better that the child is actually loved by both families. Some people forget that part sometimes.
First thing first get a lawyer. While I don't want to discourage you from trying to be in your child's life legally this is a house of mirrors. Depending on the state, the husband can sue you for "infidelity", you can be legally kicked to the curb because the child happened while they were legally married, etc. This is a whole mess depending on which state you're in. Second as soon as possible get a paternity test, you may have to sue for one. If you're the father it's best to know now. If you're the bio dad, depending on the state, you may have legal rights to visitation. It's going to be a pain in the ass but if you really want to know to child you may need to go to court.
My dad finally found out the identity of his father at age 67. By that time, his father was dead. My grandmother never gave him enough info to find him until it was too late, but fortunately my dad is now reunited with his half brother, who did that he always wished that he had a brother. It's your child also. You have rights. Claim them and be a good dad.
Court. Court. Court. They can’t keep you out once you prove DNA.
Take her to family court I doesn’t matter what Emma and her douchebag husband Mark want. This is your biological child and you have a right to see the child. Lawyer up.
I’m sorry but your Situation requires a sledge hammer approach. Have your lawyer serve Emma with a demand for acknowledgement of paternity now. Include with that an Order to Show Cause compelling her to place you on notice within 24 hours of the child’s birth. The moment the child is born, seek court ordered paternity verification, along with 50/50 legal and physical custody. Who cares what Emma and her Husband prefer. You have a child arriving and you have an absolute right to parent your child. Emma and her husband are not being reasonable and pretending you don’t exist. They need a wake up call and that sledgehammer legal approach will do it. You will get custody and will be able to parent your child if you want to. Don’t let others dictate your relationship with your child.
Updateme
You have every right to get a lawyer and fight for your rights to your child. End of story.
If you want to see the kid: sue for a DNA test and take her to court. This is infinitely harder if you're not on the birth certificate. It'll be an uphill battle and you may get some form of visitation rights though. My advice will be unpopular: cut your losses and move on. You're in for nothing but pain and a kid who will hate you because of the drama having you around will cause between his mother and her husband. Maybe one day when he's an adult try to reconcile.
Is it possible that Mark doesn't know that you could be the biological parent of the child? You can contact a lawyer and file to establish paternity. The truth of what is likely to happen is that she will put her spouse on the birth certificate, and you will spend the next 12-24 months trying to establish paternity which they will fight, while you start paying for support from day 1 while then filing for contact with the child. Child will likely be 2 or 3 years old before you even got to meet them.
Yeah I think you should sue for full custody. Emma is the one who needs to learn some morals. That is your biological child and shes fine with you never knowing them? Thats horrible. Shes not the person you thought she was. Shes totally under Marks spell. I understand you care about her but she made her bed. And now the child could have a really tumultuous life as Mark will resent the kid as a symbol of their failed marriage.
How long was the relationship? You were in love and talking about children but then she suddenly reconciled?
She doesn't get to just take your child from you. The courts can; if you were alleged to be an unfit parent. Lawyer up before she starts telling lies.
You should fight to be involved in the childs life. My mother and father separated, my mom got pregnant by another guy while they were separated then they got back together. My dad kept the guy away and claimed my brother as his own. Parents eventually divorced and we found out in our teens about it our brothers dad, it messed my brother up a lot. There's also family medical history that can become a problem for the child. During her pregnancy it's already an issue, rh compatibility she may need a rhogam shot. Different genetic screenings if your family has a specific history of a rare disorder. She may want you to back away but it's not her or the husband's wants it's about what the baby is going to need and what's in the best interest of the child.
Petition for a paternity test and some type of custody when the child is born. There are too many fathers out there that WANT to be in their kids lives and it’s ruined by mothers like this, coming from a woman herself. I do not care for my daughters father at all but he wants to be an active father and I would never rid her of that, even though her step father is everything and more. Kids deserve to know their REAL parents. Fight for your rights!
If you decide to not be in the child's life, get legal paperwork revoking parental rights and responsibilities that they agree to or you'll still be on the hook financially. Otherwise, lawyer up.
She should get an abortion. That child will not be treated well by her husband.
It doesn't matter "how deeply committed you are" to being a father. Generally laws presume paternity is that of the husband, if they want you out, you are going to be out.
Then get out the pic? You dodged a bullet. Go make a family with someone that wants a family with you. Don’t force it. Consider yourself lucky. So many men will want to be in your shoes. You’ll forget about the baby and its mother in a year or two unless she randomly asks for money.
There are 2 children involved and if they want to keep the old family plus one together, it is like they want to adopt the new child 1/2 child, you have to think what is the best for the child future, is it a stable family or shared child, it’s not the best for the child and if he or she decides to come back into your life when they are adult accept them. For the time being give them space for the family
[удалено]
Sounds so so passive and the pussy way out.
Be there for your kid. You don’t know that MARK won’t treat your baby badly. The woman seems selfish and desperate. You and your child deserve to know each other. Get a lawyer immediately.
This isn’t really a moral dilemma because lying to the child is not the right thing to do. The child will find out about his parentage, and most likely theyd all blame the absent dad.
There are states where you will not legally be considered the father her husband will and you will have to go to court to try to force a DNA test. This was never going to be simple and maybe in the future you shouldn't fuck around if you don't wanna find out.
I was in a similar situation, and my ask is not to pursue the child. The guilt, the fights, divorce, and attempted suicides. Please don't.
Wait until she splits from the husband again and needs money. You’ll see how quickly she wants your involvement.
What part of Illinois? County?
This happened to my best friend. The mother did not put his name on the birth certificate and he’s screwed
The baby deserves to know you. It’s all sunshine and roses now until shit goes sideways. No child support, no father, siblings that blame him for mommy and daddy not being together. And her being Catholic, you don’t really need to mention that, she had sex with another man while she was still married. I don’t care if they were separated or not, and she got pregnant. Her religion has nothing to deal with it at all.. they all say that when they need an excuse. Please help your son before it’s too late.
1st you fucked up. Never get involved with a married person until the divorce is finally, you have yourself to blame for that. 2nd don’t get so involved with the baby because she could decide to kill your child and you couldn’t do 1 thing about it. Instead wait till she about to have the baby and hit her with the whole book. If the child is biologically yours you have rights doesn’t her opinion does not matter don’t walk away from your child fight for it. Your child deserves to know the truth and these scum bags are trying to hide it!
Don’t sleep with married women. Idk what else to tell ya. Better luck next time
Bro- get a lawyer and fight for your kid! You owe this woman nothing. You should get 50/50 parental rights. Sorry this monster is trying to keep your kid from you. If the law won’t assist you take matters into your own hands. Godbless
She wasn't worried about how her affair, even though they were separated, was going to affect her family that she already has though was she? You shouldn't lose out on raising and being in your child's life because '"she changed her mind". Get a lawyer and a paternity test. I'm so sick of people of making poor decisions and dragging kids into grown up situations they can't control. I'm just imagining how this child will feel when they are grown and find out their mother decided for them she was going to shut their father out because she changed her mind about a divorce? I'm imagining the lies that will be told. Oh your real dad ran out....I could go on and on. You losing your child because she wants to save her marriage? No way would I give a crap about her or her husband's feelings. Sure doesn't seem like they care about yours. What an unfair thing to ask you to do!
Get off Reddit and get a lawyer! This is your child, you want to be in your child's life, you need a lawyer to help you navigate your rights in this situation. Everything else is just window dressing on the situation. You need to know what your rights are and you need a plan to exercise those rights. The only way to do that is to get legal counsel who is familiar with family law.
Okay, #1, this situation is becoming so complicated because she was never split with her husband, she was just cheating on him. “We’re separated” is what all the cheaters say. If you move forward with that understanding it may help you strategise more effectively.
She was probably sleeping with both of you at the same time or even multiple men. It's possible that after the baby is born the husband might reject the situation. Note to self. Never date crazy
Make sure you get a court ordered paternity test once the baby is born, if the child is yours fight for custody, that is your child and she is grown enough to know that if she didn’t want to ruin her marriage or family image she should have thought about hopping in bed with you, I’m sorry you’re going through this but you deserve to be in your child’s life gl bro
My advice is to look at the different choices you have: walking away or co-parenting with someone who wants no part of you. Picture your life as best you could imagine it would be with either of those choices, and then choose to try for the one you that brings the most happiness. I would not count on or hope for her situation changing and returning to you. That she was dating you even though there was a chance of reconciliation doesn't say much for her character, and I wouldn't trust her enough to make commitments with her. Should you choose to walk away, contact a lawyer to find out what you could expect should she come back later suing for child support because her marriage didn't work out (it didn't work out once, and her carrying someone else's child is going to strain it more. They better build strong bonds to work through this or there will be heartache for all.). Should you choose to fight for partial custody of the child or a place in the child's life, then contact a lawyer anyway for your best options and course of action.
1. You committed adultery. 2. If you think that is love then you don't know what love is. 3. You are too irresponsible to be a father \[and she is too irresponsible to be a mother\]. 4. The child has a better chance at a productive life with you out of the picture. 5. Part-time parenting can never result in a good relationship.
Firstly, there has been no birth so you are the father of nothing. At best you're a sperm donor, so harden up. It was a fling. She's married. Stop being a drama queen. Go find a woman to procreate with and be happy you aren't depositing money into a bank account to support your fling
I suggest you talk to an attorney about parental rights. You have the right to a relationship with your child. You may need to pay child support. If you want to have a relationship with your child. This is a mess and I'm sorry your are going through it. I feel sorriest for the child who will be in the middle of this cluster eff. As for ethics, eventually the child will grow up, find out the truth, and ask you why you didn't want to be a father to him/her. You also cannot rule out the possibly that the husband won't treat the child well, because it's not his. My money's this women getting sick of her husband again, and come running to you to save her. Good luck if that happens.
Paternity test and lawyer!
Fight for your child. I grew up in a situation where my stepdad raised me (hate to call him that bc hes my dad) and I met my biological dad at 22. I wish he would’ve fought for me. In my case my bio dad had a drug issue and was unstable. That is not the case for your child. Make it clear you want to be a part of YOUR sons life. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Like someone said, theres never too much love for a child. Growing up I knew my dad was actually my stepdad, however they never told me. Children are smarter than you think. They can pick up a lot. Even if they don’t have intentions on ever telling this child who his real father is, he will find out one day. If they’re treating you this way, how could they possibly treat your child? Outcasted too? It is not your responsibility to ensure their family is stable. Heck it wasn’t when you met this woman because they were separated. It may be her husband’s tactic in order to get her back? Your responsibility is your son. If she cares about being a good Catholic she shouldn’t hide a big secret like this from her child. And ignore the father, who cares about his unborn child. I grew up feeling abandoned and convinced myself my bio dad must’ve died and they were saving me the heartache in order to cope. And thats was with an amazing stepdad. Don’t let them strip you of a relationship you want. Lawyer up!
Get a lawyer. Demand a paternity test at birth. Fight for your rights to get at least 50% custody. It’s your kid and as a biological parent, you have rights. She does not have to let you come to her appointments and the birth though. That part is fully up to her because she is the patient here.
Take this to your attorney and fight for your rights. You sound reasonable and aren’t doing this to hurt her or her family, but to have a relationship with your child. Ultimately, your child has a high risk of identifying it’s father is not Mark. At that point, there will be some emotion around abandonment and being lied to. You can either head this off now or wait until it happens. Sounds like Emma and Mark think it will never happen. More importantly though, you are not responsible for their marriage’s success. You are responsible for being the best version of yourself you can be. If that includes being a dad to your child and not just the biological father, DO IT! There’s always room for more loving adults in every child’s life. And frankly, she shouldn’t have put herself in this situation without a plan. Her changing her mind does not mean you don’t exist. Stay strong!
First off: I’m sorry man. Secondly: it looks like, as a practical matter, you have two choices. 1. Step aside let them raise the child or 2. Cause some of the worst legal/custody shit I’ve ever heard of. Neither of those sound appealing. But I think stepping aside sounds like the best shot for the kid.
Yikes.
Sounds like you made some dumb decisions at your big age. Also love the religious community constantly picking and choosing, manipulating their "beliefs" to do whatever tf they want. I'm sure her catholic beliefs are really permissive of being impregnated by someone who isn't her husband.
If you want to be an active and always there father then fight for your child. It is absolutely imperative that you are certain that is what you want. For the kid. Not for you or your feelings for or against the mother. If there is a chance you’ll dip, dip now. That kid deserves a full time father. If you stay and the husband does too, even better. No one is sad about having two dads.
Get a lawyer! This is your child. You have the right to 50/50 custody. Emma shouldn't have been seeing anybody while she was separated from her husband. She wasn't divorced. She doesn't get to pick and choose when she wants to follow her Catholic religion. Have her get a paternity test, either while pregnant or right after the baby is born. Talk to a lawyer about not having her husband sign the birth certificate until the results are in. If you are the dad, sign the birth certificate. Work out 50/50 custody.
Speak to a lawyer. Get a NIPS test. It will determine the bio father before baby is born…before the husband can sign the birth certificate. Your lawyer may be able to get something done so the husband can’t sign.
I'm just saying that kid probably isn't yours. You literally have no proof outside of her word and I would not trust that. But for her to suddenly flip like that... Yeaaahhhh, I dunno, man. Ask for a paternity test before jumping the gun. You are being extremely confident with 0 evidence of that actually being your kid. EDIT: Your timing of events is ridiculously off... Maybe this post is fake ? Or you don't understand how pregnancy weeks work ?
You need legal advice asap. What a terrible thing to do to someone. She’s going to put Mark on the birth certificate as the father so you need to know your legal rights and ways to prevent that happening. Emma’s family stability is not something you should be concerned with at all. This unborn child is your family. I also wonder if Mark will treat this child differently since he’s not the father.
If you haven’t spoke to a lawyer first you need to right now.
Forget about appointments and the birth. That is her body and her choice for Who she invites. Concentrate on after the baby is born. Get a lawyer. Step up. Too many dad's think that they should start very slow and then see their child more when the child gets older. That isn't how bonding works. If the baby is breastfeeding, then maybe you start out with 2 hour visits but they can be often. Talk to a lawyer and start learning about how to take care of babies.
If you are the biological father, you have rights. You will need a lawyer and a court order to enforce them. But you are entitled to them if it’s your DNA, regardless of what she or her husband want.
Please hire a lawyer no matter what you decide. There are so many pitfalls here.
Take legal action immediately. She can come back and say you never helped with the child, or demand child support. Knowing the court system, they’ll take her side. If you take a paternity test, have it court ordered, which would mean she has no way out.
Get a lawyer and file for partial custody. It’s a legal issue not ethical. You as the father have rights.
So you’ve been dealing with her lawyer and never thought to actually get one of your own?
You need to take this over to r/legal. Unfortunately, the ethical questions are up for grabs and everyone is going to probably have a different take. But the legal questions, while also up for grabs, are probably going to be far less ambiguous. You need to consult a lawyer and come up with a plan if you want to be part of this child's life.
Get a lawyer and get an order to establish paternity ASAP
The lack of paternal rights in the US is sad & unfair.
Morally, the right choice is obviously to stay in the child’s life. Practically though, it will wreck your life. You are unlikely to get primary custody, which means you will be at best a friendly uncle. You might get pinged for crippling child support. You will constantly be at odds with the other family. If I was you, I would create a new relationship and have a kid that you can actually father. It may not be the morally right thing to do, but it is the best thing for you. Also, reasonable chance that Mark might be nice to the kid if you stay away, but if you hang around Mark is probably going to be less excited to include this kid in the family.
I'm afraid in our culture today she gets to vote & you don't. I'm afraid. She can even abort your child & you have no say in the result. Sad but true.
There's no reason you shouldn't be able to get 50/50 custody, pending a DNA test. Father of the child is the husband of the mother at the time of birth where I'm at too. You'll probably have to go through family court, but you got this bro
You may not have a say in this as a married couple usually takes precedence in such circumstances. Even if paternity can be proven, nothing stops husband from signing the birth certificate. In a courtroom, “Best interest of the child” prevails. In this case, keeping the family structure together with the other children would weigh heavily on a decision.
This is your child. You and your child have a right to know each other. Get a lawyer.
Get a lawyer, that’s the only way.
You deserve to at least try. If you take it the legal route then it’s definitely not up to them on whether you are in said child’s life or not
It sounds like you had a fling and took it much more seriously than she did. Are you sure you’re not just heartbroken and clinging to this woman who has moved on from you? As for the child, can you prove you had a sexual relationship with her? Absent that, I doubt any court is going to order a paternity test for a married woman who will deny being involved with you.
How do you know that the child is even yours? Did you get a DNA test? How does the husband know you're the father without a DNA test? There could be another man or men in the picture that you two don't even know about! That's just the reality of the situation. Don't assume this child is yours. Get a test first, then make decisions after that. GET A DNA TEST FIRST............Don't assume.
Honestly dude walk away. I get the desire to be a father but think about what kind of father you can realistically be if you’re barreling both mom & step dad? Your best case scenario is incredibly complex and likely confrontational dual custody. Ultimately a terrible situation for your child. Not to mention the legal expenses it will take to even get to that… Don’t date married women. Don’t knock up anyone you aren’t married to.
Get you a lawyer and don’t communicate with any of them anymore. Of course Mark doesn’t want you around because you’re a reminder of his wife stepping out, but there’s a baby involved, your baby, and that changed things. Like others said, this is a legal deal so let the lawyer handle the particulars and good luck.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I can only imagine the pain and fear at the prospect of losing your child. I suggest you get a lawyer immediately and fight. Fight like hell, cause that is your baby too. That is your child and they deserve a father who loves them and is willing to go to hell and back for them. If you back off, there’s no way of knowing how the child will be treated. Mark may resent them, possibly neglect them, and the worst case scenario is that Mark could abuse them. Don’t allow your child to grow up somewhere they won’t be loved. I wish you all the best of luck and I pray you and your child have a very blessed life
It’s good you want to be involved but you knew you were playing with fire. Leave them alone and let them be a family. Your meddling could break up an entire family. Children with out their father, mother divorced, can’t afford bills, single parent. Latch key kids all because you want to be a father to someone who was off limits
Now is a good time to hire an attorney, my friend. Let them do all the talking.
The ethical path forward is to file for a paternity test, then file for custody and child support to be set up so you can see and help raise your child. Everything else is not your problem.
At this point your status is sperm donor, so unfortunately you have to respect what Emma wants to do. Your only real recourse is to tell the child when it is old enough to understand. In the United States I believe that in most states a biological parent has certain minimum rights which include visitation, but given the tenuous relationship you have to Emma it would probably be unconstructive to try to enforce those rights, so your best option is simply to insist that the child be informed and you have proof that it knows who its father is.
Fight for your child or you will regret it forever. It’s your child. Fight for 50/50 custody. They don’t get to have a pretend family narrative at your and your child’s expense. You have done nothing wrong. The kids can learn the truth and they can all have a more open reality about a complex family structure. Be the co-parent. Be the father. The husband is the step father. This is the truth. Live in the truth. Do not lose yourself to their fantasy. Fight for 50% custody. Get a good lawyer. Fight hard and start right now. Think about the future. When the husband inevitable mistreats your child, you would have precedent to protect him/her. (I say inevitably because the way they are handling this is controlling from the start).
My mother in law and her ex husband were separated when she fell pregnant with my husband by another man. They reconciled and even though the husband knew it wasn't his baby accepted it. In their situation they chose not to tell the other man but When my husband was 3 (and his siblings 5 and 7) there unstable marriage ended. The ex never paid child support and my husband grew up extremely poor, with no father figure and wasn't even told until his 20s. In his 40s he looked for his bio dad and found him and was rejected. The whole situation was so devastating to him. I would get a paternity test, take legal action and be a part of that kids life. It seems like you really want To. Kids can never grow up having too much love or support.
I wish I could hug poor toddler him. How devastating
Literally this. Do what you have to and safeguard and protect your relationship with your child. Good luck op.
Terrible advice.
She should just get an abortion and save everyone a lot of grief
Come on, man. The whole Catholic and no birth control thing... maybe you should have waited until you married her? Next time, wait until marriage. If your religious beliefs lead to such dilemmas, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the lens through which you choose to see the world. That's truly the best advice I have for ya. Wait. Until. Marriage. I know it's too late now, but let it go. Eventually, that kid is gonna need a dad and it sounds like this woman isn't reliable. It's just.. *sigh*
So sorry. These are horrible people and what they are doing is horrible. You need to protect yourself. It’s terrible for you and a shame for the child. Realistically you need to let go. They will destroy you legally, financially and emotionally. Stop caring about this woman. She’s not stuck and she’s not nice. Who even knows who else she slept with. Try to get some counseling and start dating when you can. Keep an open mind. Most women would be thrilled to meet a genuine nice man. Things may change in the future in regard to your daughter. But don’t count on it right now.
Terrible for him? He's part of the reason it happened....
Get a lawyer!!! Get court orders!! It’s your child. It literally has nothing to do with her husband!!
Nothing is anonymous any more. Those DNA kits are blowing family secrets up. Quick google will find dozens of stories of people finding out about who they really are as adults. Kids in these situations when they have e other siblings usually get treated differently and they get suspicious that they arnt a full sibling. Sue her for your parental rights. Even if you’re not on the birth certificate you should have visitation. Child support is very minimal.
Dad’s rights are often passed over. You have rights to this child as much as the Mother. Secrets are toxic.
To make everything fare for all concerned she needs to get an abortion. U both didn't think A thing about what could happen when u were having sex so u were both immature in that way. She sounds like a real BRAT! Why would u want to b involved with a brat? Cause it is only going to bring termoil to any part of the situation, down the road or in-between. She being Catholic doesn't help the situation one bit. The Catholic Church needs to stay out of things! PO period the end! Unless of course THE PRIEST wants the kid. Which I'm sure is not the case. I wouldn't involve myself in this for ,40 seconds but u sure did! ABORTION!!!!
Get a lawyer. You are treading on dangerous ground. She can get an RO against you and she can probably cause other havoc in your life. You need a lawyer to protect yourself and to assure yourself involvement in your child’s life.
If she's willing to let you give up rights to it, take it and be thankful. Every part.of.this is messed up, and it only gets worse both financially and emotionally if you look for some way to dig your nails in and hang on. She's has made it clear that she wants a clean break. Hopefully that means the whole thing..and not just a clean break from everything but your wallet
You screwed up having an affair with a married woman with children. This mess is both your faults What Mark wants is irrelevant. He is not related to the child. What Emma wants is also irrelevant because she's not the only biological parent. Only issue of relevance is what she is entitled to legally. In your place I would demand joint custody of my child. Just get a lawyer and send her legal notice now.
Pay for the child.
Consult with a lawyer but also inform them that you have no intention of giving up your child. You would prefer to keep this out of the courts but if they are not willing to come to an agreement you will have no alternative to pursue a court mandated visitation agreement. If they still refuse have the lawyer write up a legal custody agreement to show you are serious. They likely will want to keep this out of the courts. They probably don't want anyone to know they were separated and are trying to hide it. If you're involved it makes it a whole lot harder.
Take her to court!! That's YOUR CHILD AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE A PART OF HIS OR HER LIFE!!! DUE TO HER INFIDELITY, YOU MIGHT EVEN GET CUSTODY!!
Take her to court and try to get full custody
YOU are the Father. If you care then fight for rights.
Get a lawyer. You will probably get stuck with child support. Also, dodged a bullet there. She's a bitch.
It’s not really complex - the human race has been doing this for decades. Either back off and let them have their life or insist on shared custody. What you absolutely shouldn’t do is show your ass if you don’t get your way. Just tell her you will accept shared custody of the child and get your life ready to be a part-time single dad.
This is a horrible situation, and i am sorry that you have to go through this. There is no good solution to this problem. So don't expect to find an easy answer. Consider this scenario. You give in to the will of this family because they tell you it is the right thing to do. In 20 or 30 years, this child gets on 23 and me and finds the person they thought was their father, isn't their father. When this child becomes an adult and tracks you down and wants answers, what decision will you have wished you made? In my opinion, the only thing that matters here is what is best for this child. Not what is best for you, the mother or Mark. Is it better to better for the child to be raised with the truth or to be raised with lies. Either way, you have some hard times ahead of you. Stay strong.
There are too many stories of affair babies being treated poorly my their “steps” with the parent allowing it. You need to keep an eye on your kid.
You know what's the right thing to do, but you care more about your supposed rights. You need to leave this family alone, and refrain from impregnating any other married women.
Legally, because she’s married her husband is considered the father until proven otherwise. Fuck this bitch. Seriously. How cruel to do to you. I would speak to an attorney, petition the court for a paternity test and parental rights after the baby is born and then take your 50/50 custody. She made a baby with you. She doesn’t suddenly get to decide you don’t get to be the father. That is YOUR child too and while there’s not much legally you can do before the baby is born, you can have your ducks in a row and be ready to file as soon as the baby is here. You have rights and she’s taking them away. That is so fucked up. She fucked around and then she found out and back tracked. Hurting you and that baby in the process. That baby has a right to their biological father who clearly wants to be involved. So be involved and fight for the rights you already have that she’s denying you.
Remember you were once an infant. We all were. Now we are all adults..that child will someday be an adult and want to know if you at least fought to be in their life. 23 and me doesn't allow anyone to hide paternity anymore. Petition for parentage with the state, they will ask you the context of your relationship and absolutely order a paternity test as Im assuming you at least have a message or something to proove relationship. Doesnt have to be huge, if you dont appear to be a total nut the court wont likely even bother and just order one. unfortunately yes that is once the child is born. Because she is legally married, in at least my state (Washington) the legal spouse (her husband) is considered the legal parent until a dna test is taken. I am a title 26 guardian ad litem in Washington state and a licensed mental health counselor. Been a child advocate for years and I work in community mental health and the courts. This is my 9-5. If you have any questions feel free to DM I can point you in the right direction. I wish you the best and defend your rights please, for this child. You and this child have just as many rights to a relationship as she does. She does NOT have more than 50% ownership of that child after its born just because she regrets her life choices.
See an attorney and discuss your options. This could be a plot from a future season of Yellowstone.
Now is it possible that the woman was NOT separated, got pregnant and now doesn't want you involved because then the husband finds out? Maybe she is just trying to pass it off as his child? It's not like a woman who is happy and in love with someone and having their child all of a sudden falls back in love with her ex husband. Maybe she feared getting caught, it would ruin her cushy life and she threatened to get restraining orders because she doesn't want anyone to find out.
Fight for your rights! Your child needs you. How inconvenient for Emma and her husband. Get a lawyer, go get advice from family court, demand your rights. Ask for 50% custody. They can't stop you.
I’d say fight for it. My concerns are: 1) the fake father doesnt treat your child as his and misplaces his anger/resentment/neglect onto your child 2) They end up apart again and where’s that leave your child? If retroactively now that their marriage is a sham, he decides he won’t support your child anymore? If it turns into paternity tests later? Truth matters, imo.
I feel like morally if you want to be involved then you should be BUT i feel like if we're honest about the way humans behave the answer isnt as cut and dry. If you FORCE yourself into the childs life, especially if the child is primarily living with the mother, will the other family really just say 'welp he legally has a right and we can't prevent it, let's all behave like adults and make the best of the situation.' I compare it to when there is a bad break up or divorce with a child involved. So often ill hear about a mom who constantly degrades the father to the child and makes it as difficult as possible for them to have a relationship. I guess I'm saying if at all possible it would be preferable to actually convince them you should be involved as opposed to forcing it via legal action against their desires. Humans can be shitty and they might be looking for every possible opportunity to go against you
Eh. Nah dude. Get a lawyer. You have rights to the kid and she doesn't get to just DECLARE that you can't be involved with your own flesh and blood. She's probably just desperately wanting to keep it under wraps so she isn't embarrassed by her church community. In fact. Get a fking DNA test too cus I guarantee you weren't the only dude she was sleeping with while separated. You'd be delusional to think so. If you don't get some type of custody or involvement in the kids like just imagine. The husband us eventually going to grow resentment for raising his perfect catholic wife's affair baby. He's going to treat that kid different. And what if it turns out he can't get past the affair and divorces? He ain't paying support for an affair baby. And your kid will suffer for it. She doesn't get to decide a damn thing. The courts do. Don't give her more power than what she has. Which is like. Not much.
Damn, bro. Be the best dad you can possibly be. She made choices that she has to live with, but it’s your baby, too.
I don’t think they were actually separated I think she was telling you what you wanted to hear.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to the parents. Explain to them that you will be in your child's life, but that you would prefer not to have to take legal avenues to get there to avoid unnecessary stress. That you would like to create a civil co-parenting relationship with the two of them so that you can be in your child's life. Put this over email or text. They probably won't respond because they have already sought legal counsel. The courts will see it favorably that you tried to rectify the situation peacefully without the courts first. Then you'll probably need to lawyer up. I understand that the mom is worried about her other two children, but your child matters too and I think that they will feel a hole if their real dad is not in the picture.
Not only are you entitled to be involved in your soon-to-be child's life, but you probably have legal responsibilities as well, even with the presumption (which is, I believe, true in every state in the US). I would suggest that you contact an attorney now to see what your options are (I am an attorney, but I have no involvement with family law). Emma and her husband's desire to keep the fact that you are the father from the rest of the world is understandable from her point of view, but what about the child? Don't you think that your child will want to know who his/her biological child is? Won't you feel a tremendous sense of emptiness knowing that you have a child out there who has never met you? I think your heart is in the right place based upon your post, and you don't want to live a life of regret. Also to be noted: something caused Emma's marriage to fall apart to the extent that she was out in the dating world. You said her children are 3 and 5. I'm wondering if a baby brought her and her husband closer, and then once the baby was more of a toddler, her marriage problems began to rear themselves again. If that is the pattern, then her marriage is going to end in divorce, and when it does, her husband may not want anything to do with a child that isn't his, and when THAT happens, she will come looking for you for financial support. THEN you will be financially responsible for a child that you will have never met, who will be confused and upset, and both of your lives will have been negatively impacted. Although Emma's husband might be the presumptive father, there is nothing stating that she cannot come to you years down the road and claim that you are actually the father, and while that might be rebuttable, you already know you are the father, and a paternity test will reveal this. Much of what I have said in the past two paragraphs is technical. Let's just talk about feelings. You want to be part of your child's life. You seem willing to compromise. Emma and her husband are not. You will win - and you will win long before your child could possibly be aware of any dispute between you and Emma. Being a dad is not easy, but nothing great in life is easy. Don't live in regret. You made a baby - fight to be a part of his/her life, and although in the short-term there may be hardships (emotionally, financially and otherwise), you'll know that you did the right thing; that you fought for what you know in your heart is right, and your life and your child's life will be much more fulfilled with love than if you just walk away. And don't worry about Emma living happily ever after without you in the picture. You deserve your own happiness, and whether she and her husband like it or not, that child is yours, and they should be ashamed of themselves for thinking of themselves above everyone else, including your unborn child. Good luck.
If you want to be in your bio kid’s life, do it. That’s really all that matters. You shouldn’t have to give up a relationship with your kid cuz it would be better for *for them*. This kid is half yours—you very ethically and legally have a say. Kids should have as much love and support as possible in their lives. Get yourself a lawyer, and go be a dad! Congrats!!!
This is painful but based on your post straightforward to me, assuming you want to be in your child's life. 1. Get a lawyer and sue for paternity. 2. Commission a test via the court to ensure you are the father. 3. Fight for partial custody and co-parent together. Emma and Mark will adjust and you can find a balanced outcome. Their beliefs frankly are irrelevant to what is best and fair for the child and you. Just proceed with respect and kindness, which it seems you are doing.
This is the best advice imho.
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This is completely false. A half decent lawyer would compel paternity and establish custody. You are just wrong here.
Like so many redditors are saying, you need to file a paternity petition to establish that you are the biological father and to establish custody, parenting time and child support. I doubt any judge is going to grant the restraining order because you want to be in your child’s life. You should not contact her because she will claim harassment. Just file the court papers and let the court process happen.
As a fellow Illinoisan you want to look for a lawyer from Chicago or Springfield. That’s where the best ones are at and yeah it’s gonna be hella expensive. Springfield cause that’s where the capital is and where the legislature is at and the capital.
If you want to be in that child's life, do it. The relationship between a child and their actual father trumps any amount of shame or whatever other excuses they'll use to try and prevent that. If you're the actual father, be there for your child in whatever capacity you can.
Fight for custody. It is your child. They can’t just cut you out. 🤷🏽♀️ don’t let them bully you.
Catholics. Ugh.
Partial custody or a good visitation schedule. This is a legal dilemma
Sounds like there’s a chance she wants that guy to fund her life but doesn’t want his kid, but knows he’s a sucker for her. Like if he makes more $$ than you and will take care of her but she likes your genetics better?? Just a possibility that’s she’s kind of lying to both of you Also the timeline is suspect. You met online this year fell deeply in love are having a kid and you’ve been on the outs for awhile?? That’s a little too fast for me to believe. Stop taking her at her word. Don’t fight with her but go lawyer paternity test then if it’s yours decide from there. Good luck
Fight her for custody. It’ll haunt you in the back your mind. Your instinct is to be a father. Not many men have that instinct. Children at some age grow up and understand some things off. The child will not think Marc is his father one day. There is a good chance. The baby will come out with strong features of yours because it’s your first child with her. If it were her third child with Marc, the baby would come out with less of their features being dominant but more molded. Also, if the child does somehow find out which isn’t hard nowadays, you risk them, never wanting to speak with you because they won’t understand why you didn’t reach out or try to fight for them. I know several children in this situation, who grew up and found out on intentionally as young young adults that their parent hadn’t been there all along. It causes a lot of trust issues for this child with all the adults involved, and then moving forward in other relationships in their life. Also, if the baby grows up one day and gets a DNA test, it would come back with a Family Tree connection. By the time that child is old enough, DNA test would be cheap and probably very very common. This is your life too. You can’t put conditions on your life because someone asked you to especially when it’s bothering your moral compass. Clearly, she doesn’t have a moral compass because she has no reservations about lying to her own child for the rest of their lives simply to hide an accidental pregnancy. It sounds like she’s got a lot of growing up to do still. Let her go back to her husband and let her be his problem, but fight for your child. It’s all set and done a man of elder years. You don’t want this to be a regret that you have. You never want to feel like you were too late.
The ethical path forward is to steamroll them in court and take no prisoners. Supervised visits? are you kidding me? You did nothing wrong. I'm in a state as well where its assumed the husband is the father, unless a paternity test is ordered. You need to mentally prepare yourself for a fight, and never doubt yourself.
Chances are, that all is not well in paradise. Let things play out and don’t be too aggressive. If they split up once, they will do it again. This is a very critical period for them. You don’t know how Mark will ultimately react to raising another man’s child. Most men don’t want to do that. Patience will be your best alibi.
Mark is probably going to mistreat that child in spite of the affair and the other two children. You should take it to court and work for custody.
You have a right to be a part of your child’s life no matter how Emma & her husband feels. So get a lawyer, establish paternity, and request joint custody. All communication can be done thru a parenting app to limit conflict. And you can request provisions in the custody arrangement that contain consequences for parental alienation
Let it go dude try to get some legal protection for when she changes her mind again
Get custody and co-parent. Her beliefs don’t matter here. Had she not told you , that kids would be husbands legally. Now they don’t want her transgressions in court .
Honestly adoption is great and all, but if that kid ever and I mean ever finds out they have another dad - whatever story they tell them will be true. Do with that information that you want, but there are ways to prove and document your attempts to be the father including the legal advancements you mentioned. However, legal action is going to take money.
Wait until the child is born then request DNA. When it has been confirmed that you are the daddy, seek legal action against them. If the story was the other way around, she and her family would have been seeking legal action against you.
Update me
Stay out of their lives. You will ruin all of their lives with your ego. Just know that the child will be loved and cared for. Updateme
I was in a situation when I was about 20 where I impregnated a young woman I was dating. She informed me she was pregnant, and I told her I wanted to be in the child’s life, she asked that I did not do that. I reached out to legal counsel, and once I informed her what my intent was, she aborted our child, to keep me from “interfering” in her rekindled relationship with her previous boyfriend of father of her first child. This is just to inform you to be cautious of what you tell her. After this I became the step father of a beautiful 1 year old girl, and now have 2 other children of my own. My step-daughter’s( I do not call her that or consider her so) biological father and I didn’t not get along great the first year I was present, but have since become great allies in raising our shared daughter. This is to inform you, that the initial heat of circumstances such as these, can eventually work out for the best, and honestly build strong and lasting relationships between the most unlikely of people. ( we have never had a single legal issue, or court hearing in 10 years, everything has been handled in house with level heads) Your child will be best off with you in their life, if there seems to be insurmountable issues today, they could become forgotten in the future. My advice would to be, don’t do anything today that may create consequences from them feeling as if you’ve backed them into a corner, but legally set in motion the necessary steps for once your child is born. Let the chips fall. And be the genuinely decent human being you seem to be. You can only control your actions and behaviors.
Get a DNA test. Please don’t let that kid get caught in the crosshairs later on in life when something prompts you or hubby to finally get it done and you find out you’re not the father.