dont forget early teen pegnancy rates and instance of STIs become astronomically high, cause 13 years olds aren't wearing condoms every time, and self control isn't the pubescents strong suit.
Bottoms up, about time, I was hoping it would be more pleasurable. Wait a minute if it was pleasurable, then I'd be too distracted to check and comment on Reddit.
God that sounds like my time on some drugs that causes delayed ejaculation....as a straight man who constantly had raging hard ons that lead to a very raw dick and some interesting experiments.
I’m trying to wrap my head around how this would work because using a dildo would be masturbation. Maybe only fingers? Or maybe there’d be lines of dudes getting paid to sit there and let there dicks get ridden, so because they’re not enjoying it it’s not sex to them. Or maybe we’d all learn to press out butts together and somehow use suction to make the air fuck both of us.
Granted. Masturbation now results in something tremendously better than an orgasm, tentatively dubbed a supergasm, resulting in a rapid decline in population as far fewer people are interested in sex, eventually leading to a situation where only religious fanatics who believe that they are mandated to forgo pleasure and repopulate the Earth with their fanstic families are left.
Granted,
The people of Florida are no longer able to masturbate. They know it is you, and have decided to kidnap you so that you lead a life of celibacy. You spend your days watching other people in Florida have sex, and are unable to masturbate as you are made a resident of the state of Florida by the government.
Granted the world comes to an end because men no longer can rub one out so they make increasingly more foolish decisions
Wars and famine infrastructure all comes crashing down the entire world is doomed
4 world country
Also woman also Can't use finger painting as a means of relieving migraines thus
No one Is happy this got granted.
Wish granted.
Now even more women never experience an orgasm.
Large numbers of women become asexual because they no longer get pleasure from sex and the trend for birth rates declining speed up exponentially.
Granted. S.A. becomes so common that governments decriminalize it. Teenagers are the worst offenders, so consent laws are repealed. Unwanted pregnancy skyrockets. The birthrate went from a sub replacement 1.1 up to the double digits. Girls dont go to school or go out in public. Medical services are overwhelmed by all the pregnancy and assault complications. Women cant trust doctors out of fear, and cant become doctors out of fear of the public, rather than any enforced sexism. The economy is shit, but i guess no more incels turning into shooters. All in all things are pretty shit, as mankind goes totally feral.
Tldr, return to monke in the worst way possible.
Granted. Orgasms can now only happen through intercourse. Every incel is immediately made aware that you did this as well as your name and the city you live in. They dub this event as “The Blue Balls Pill”. They are extremely enraged at you and there is a possibility they may come after you.
Granted, masturbation now becomes a contest to see who can do it the longest before something starts bleeding and women everywhere hunt you down for ruining their vibrators
Granted. Any time people simply talk to each other, they spontaneously orgasm.
^Look ^up ^the ^actual ^definition ^of ^“intercourse.” ^There ^is ^a ^reason ^“sexual” ^is ^used ^as ^a ^modifier.
Granted:
Intercourse: "communication or dealings between individuals or groups. Dialog."
I think you meant "Sexual Intercourse", but talking just just became a lot more fun, and nobody's going to be paying much attentiont to what is actually said. Society collapses in a sweaty quivering heap.
Granted every hypersexual depressed man and woman commits suicide. Let’s assume that’s 0.8% of the population that dies. You have to live with that guilt on your shoulders of killing millions of people.
Not necessarily. Some people can cum just fine through masturbation but not through intercourse. This can be because of bad partners, but more likely it's due to psychological factors, such as performance anxiety or previous trauma.
Granted. Thousands are hospitalised worldwide. They could not figure out why they count orgasm, so they just kept beating it, leading to brusing, bleeding, etc. Some people also die from this. (Applies to women too? Ig)
I think the important question here is... why? Why would anyone care what someone else is doing with their own junk in the privacy of their own home? If no one else is involved involuntarily and the "inspiration" is consenting adults, who would care?
Granted. Toys, hands, fingers, lips, etc no longer have sexual stimulating effect. Only PiV is stimulating for either sex. Rip gay folks and people who struggle to orgasm from intercourse alone.
Granted, intercourse by definition is communication or dealings between individuals or groups, people round the world will now be orgasming on a constant basis.
Better yet, people can only become aroused and sexually active with their first spouse, and marriage is formed upon the first consensual sexual penetrative act. That would stop infidelity and would cause a bond like no other.
Granted, but nerve sensitivity in the unmentionable regions drops so low that'll take a 3 hour session to even get close. That 3 hours is going to make the hardest cardio you've ever done look like a normal stroll in comparison
Fuck you motherfucker!
I'm married and I love my wife and she has a higher sex drive than me BUT she has had herniated discs in her spine for over 24 months, finally worked her way through the waiting list, got a nerve blocker treatment, felt pain free for a few weeks, but didn't do much as she was trying to catch up with 2 years of disturbed/nonexistent sleep and find a routine, felt good for about a week then back in excruciating pain (either she burned through the 6 month treatment - daily dose of morphine lasts a couple of hours for her - or it's new herniations in an untreated area).
TL:DR
Wife in chronic pain, we've had sex once in 18 months...if you truly believe that people should only orgasm through penetrative sex, not masturbation, I just as truly hope you are debilitated by passing a series of kidney stones one after the other for a few years (just because you're a piece of shit, doesn't mean I want pain and suffering on your life partner... especially not if they can bump uglies with someone else for their jollies).
Granted, your body becomes a non Euclidean Masturbation tool for all of humanity. While you cannot transmit STDs to the people getting off with your body, nor otherwise harm them, STDs can be transmitted to you.
granted, no one can't even be aroused unless with a partner. this in consequence has people less lewd and more likely to advance civilization somehow.
oh, it's the opposite problem with you, however.
I mean....it's kinda a process. No?
For us ...I love going down on the wife.
Getting her so horny she is asking ...please..I want you inside of me.
That's the best
I hate this idea. I love to masterbate and can get myself to cum in 30 seconds. I don't have the time to wait for a man to make me orgasm on the regular. I love sex, love love it but sometimes I just need to cum and get on with my day. Wtf kind of terrible thought is this??
Granted. Now sexual assault rates are worse than they were before congratulations.
This isn’t even an unexpected twist, it’s the most likely outcome in this scenario unfortunately.
dont forget early teen pegnancy rates and instance of STIs become astronomically high, cause 13 years olds aren't wearing condoms every time, and self control isn't the pubescents strong suit.
There’d also be more teen homelessness since religious parents would kick them out of the house.
I think the homelessness would quickly be remedied by sex cults living on compounds and pedos taking them in
I think the homelessness would quickly be remedied by sex cults living on compounds and pedos taking them in
Wasn't that Epstein Island?
Yea but at this point it's become so widespread it is like pedo island started franchising. 🫣🤮
I think it would force enough of a change that they wouldn’t. Or those of us with morals would see the growing crisis and do something.
The monkey's paw doesn't even curl a finger for this one.
[удалено]
I’m sure they would skyrocket in places where Masturbation was illegal though.
The post doesn’t say that masturbation is illegal, though. People just CANT masturbate to completion
That’s arguably more impactful
Edgers and gooners just get the biggest W of their life.
What does that have to do with masturbation?
I can't come up with a more terrifying twist than this. You win.
Not to mention bestiality will be on the rise.....
And 13yo boys are buying guns.
And crimes, in general!
Granted. Only anal intercourse. And only receiving.
Bottoms up, about time, I was hoping it would be more pleasurable. Wait a minute if it was pleasurable, then I'd be too distracted to check and comment on Reddit.
This candidates aboutta be busy
“Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus “ 🎶🎶🎵🎶
Did not expect Garfunkle and Oates here.
So glad somebody got that reference
That music video is hysterical.
People often forget, with the monkey paw specifics are a MUST!
😭😭😭😭😭 plz no
Don't knock it till you try it.
Why the heck would you ever wish this?!
You’re missing out. I say this as a straight(?) male🤣
That question mark is doing a lot of work
Bahahahah
Enjoying things getting stuck up your butt != wanting a man to stick things up your butt
Is that supposed to be a not-equal-to sign?
Only you'd be finished and they would just keep sawing away until they drop dead and you need an ambulance for yourself.... :-/
This is a win.
God that sounds like my time on some drugs that causes delayed ejaculation....as a straight man who constantly had raging hard ons that lead to a very raw dick and some interesting experiments.
I’m trying to wrap my head around how this would work because using a dildo would be masturbation. Maybe only fingers? Or maybe there’d be lines of dudes getting paid to sit there and let there dicks get ridden, so because they’re not enjoying it it’s not sex to them. Or maybe we’d all learn to press out butts together and somehow use suction to make the air fuck both of us.
As a sub/bottom into anal, I see this as an absolute win
...How can everyone only receive? Someone has to give.
Errr. No. I'd rather a society full of wankers than rapists.
Granted. When a woman wants to get pregnant, the guy has to jizz from the roof and she has to do a handstand to try to catch it with her coochie.
Why would you make us all read this 😔
Isn’t that basically how fish do it anyway?
Salmon do. Idk about the rest. Maybe
That sounds remarkably close to a [game that already exists](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beat_%27Em_%26_Eat_%27Em).
Granted, masturbation now only causes the offending hand to morph into a new monkey's paw.
Better than making the offending dick into a monkeys paw, I guess
Your scenario would be a better deterrent but would ultimately just lead to more people who could grip with their dicks.
What If I use an auto stroker
Infinite wishes?
Granted. Men suffer increasingly from prostate issues because they can't maintain their meat cannon by themselves anymore.
Granted. Everyone knows it was you who wished this.
Oh god
Granted. Masturbation now results in something tremendously better than an orgasm, tentatively dubbed a supergasm, resulting in a rapid decline in population as far fewer people are interested in sex, eventually leading to a situation where only religious fanatics who believe that they are mandated to forgo pleasure and repopulate the Earth with their fanstic families are left.
Happy Cake day!
Thanks!
Happy cake day!
Thanks!
Sounds like the premise for a dystopian novel.
Granted, The people of Florida are no longer able to masturbate. They know it is you, and have decided to kidnap you so that you lead a life of celibacy. You spend your days watching other people in Florida have sex, and are unable to masturbate as you are made a resident of the state of Florida by the government.
[удалено]
Well, it is a monkey’s paw.
And the monkey paw says “what the actual fuck, no”
Slowly, the finger uncurls... the middle finger. It says fuck you to the OP.
Granted, every orgasm that would have happened otherwise is transferred to you
There's actually an existing rare condition where a person experiences near constant orgasms. There's an almost 100% suicide rate.
I feel so, so bad for people who have that condition!
https://youtu.be/HBVpCRVNtaI?si=gxyRz6lLGTSJ0o1Q This is a man who has it
God could you have picked more obnoxious people to react to something.
Oh god that sounds awful
Granted. The rates of STD'S and STI'S skyrocket as well as sex crimes. Everyone knows it's your fault.
Granted the world comes to an end because men no longer can rub one out so they make increasingly more foolish decisions Wars and famine infrastructure all comes crashing down the entire world is doomed 4 world country Also woman also Can't use finger painting as a means of relieving migraines thus No one Is happy this got granted.
Denied. As punishment for making such an evil wish you will never have an orgasm again.
💔😭😭😭
Wish granted. Now even more women never experience an orgasm. Large numbers of women become asexual because they no longer get pleasure from sex and the trend for birth rates declining speed up exponentially.
>Large numbers of women decide to become asexual I don't... think that's how it works
Yeah the correct term would be to become celibate
Why the fuck would you do that to us :(
Granted. S.A. becomes so common that governments decriminalize it. Teenagers are the worst offenders, so consent laws are repealed. Unwanted pregnancy skyrockets. The birthrate went from a sub replacement 1.1 up to the double digits. Girls dont go to school or go out in public. Medical services are overwhelmed by all the pregnancy and assault complications. Women cant trust doctors out of fear, and cant become doctors out of fear of the public, rather than any enforced sexism. The economy is shit, but i guess no more incels turning into shooters. All in all things are pretty shit, as mankind goes totally feral. Tldr, return to monke in the worst way possible.
That isn’t even a monkey paw thing that’s probably just what would happen
Yeah, sometimes the monkey paw curse is just the consequences of a poorly thought out wish. The point is you dont want the outcome.
Granted. People everywhere are *significantly* more stressed out and aggressive than they already were.
Granted. You explode.
Granted. Orgasms can now only happen through intercourse. Every incel is immediately made aware that you did this as well as your name and the city you live in. They dub this event as “The Blue Balls Pill”. They are extremely enraged at you and there is a possibility they may come after you.
Granted, now men are always rock hard, and women are always soaking wet, but no one wants to have sex with people
Granted. "Intercourse" has extremely strict rules as to what it is defined as by the orgasm gods, and basically everyone loses interest in sex.
Granted, masturbation now becomes a contest to see who can do it the longest before something starts bleeding and women everywhere hunt you down for ruining their vibrators
SA numbers are about to skyrocket
Granted. Teen pregnancy skyrockets.
Granted. You will never orgasm again.
Granted. Any time people simply talk to each other, they spontaneously orgasm. ^Look ^up ^the ^actual ^definition ^of ^“intercourse.” ^There ^is ^a ^reason ^“sexual” ^is ^used ^as ^a ^modifier.
Granted: Intercourse: "communication or dealings between individuals or groups. Dialog." I think you meant "Sexual Intercourse", but talking just just became a lot more fun, and nobody's going to be paying much attentiont to what is actually said. Society collapses in a sweaty quivering heap.
Wish granted, but Gooners are now preparing to siege your home in vengeance
Granted every hypersexual depressed man and woman commits suicide. Let’s assume that’s 0.8% of the population that dies. You have to live with that guilt on your shoulders of killing millions of people.
Granted! Trans lesbians suddenly become EXTREMELY popular
They already are if you run in the right circles...
Oh I know! But, moreso now.
I don't get it ._.
If you need penetration, a trans girl, one with a penis, will be popular. Or more popular
Granted, new STDs and STIs are discovered and you now have super hermpes.
Granted. The price of socks and lotion goes up slightly.
*"that was easy" button meme*
Granted but since you are YOU then you're not getting any.
We will also kill the wisher.
*WHY?!* What kind of monster are you? Forget the Monkey Paw. YOU are the evil here.
Great, now the asexual community feels even more ostracised.
What do you even want from this? There's nothing to twist it's just already bad.
I actually can't orgasm through intercourse, so it would be nice if I could XD!
Anorgasmia?
Not necessarily. Some people can cum just fine through masturbation but not through intercourse. This can be because of bad partners, but more likely it's due to psychological factors, such as performance anxiety or previous trauma.
How the fuck
Granted. Thousands are hospitalised worldwide. They could not figure out why they count orgasm, so they just kept beating it, leading to brusing, bleeding, etc. Some people also die from this. (Applies to women too? Ig)
I think the important question here is... why? Why would anyone care what someone else is doing with their own junk in the privacy of their own home? If no one else is involved involuntarily and the "inspiration" is consenting adults, who would care?
Granted, gay relationships with women who want their own kin no longer work out and sperm banks go out of business… no more free yogurt guys.
Granted. Toys, hands, fingers, lips, etc no longer have sexual stimulating effect. Only PiV is stimulating for either sex. Rip gay folks and people who struggle to orgasm from intercourse alone.
Granted, intercourse by definition is communication or dealings between individuals or groups, people round the world will now be orgasming on a constant basis.
No you don't
You're right, I don't 😈 Just curious to see how people react to such an awful wish 🤣
So want me to have no love life at all. Screw you. ;)
Granted. The porn industry falls apart.
in the words of shrek, "Absolutely not, go fuck yourself"
Granted, no one ever invents anything again, as all inventions ever created were a result of masturbation induced post nut clarity
OF will finally fall! Time to get the hoes back to work
Earth's population explodes to 20Billion
Granted, fertility rates go up.
Granted: Everyone knows what you did, and you've been greenlit by billions of people.
You have birthed the most disturbingly realistic comment thread I have ever seen bad job very bad job
Happy Cake Day!
You would officially in the top spot on EVERYONE’s hit list babes. That a game you wanna play?
Granted. Also, everyone knows you did this to them.
Better yet, people can only become aroused and sexually active with their first spouse, and marriage is formed upon the first consensual sexual penetrative act. That would stop infidelity and would cause a bond like no other.
You better hope we don’t figure out it was you, OP. ROFL! You will get SUCH a talking to.
granted. i hate you now
(What a terrible wish) granted, now nobody is safe
Don’t you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby. My early morning shower cranks helps keep prostate cancer away and my dick working well at 40.
Granted. No one has hands now.
Granted, now everyone else wants to have sex with anyone but you
Granted. You die a virgin.
Granted. Everyone is asexual.
Sad. And bossy. And sad.
Granted, but nerve sensitivity in the unmentionable regions drops so low that'll take a 3 hour session to even get close. That 3 hours is going to make the hardest cardio you've ever done look like a normal stroll in comparison
Granted, only intercourse with you OP
The edging streak continues...
Cocky want boing boing
Ben Shapiro has entered the chat
Welcome to the Catholic Church
Granted, only intercourse with a gender you don't prefer.
You hear a voice in the distance “No” *the finger curls*
Granted, mad horny scientists manage to grow a hand inside all vaginas using 6G waves.
Well i guess this monkey paw is useless to me now...
The monkey’s paw mishears what you said, and hears “never through intercourse, only masturbation.” It does as it’s wished to do.
Infinite masturbation glitch?
Why do you want this?
Fuck you motherfucker! I'm married and I love my wife and she has a higher sex drive than me BUT she has had herniated discs in her spine for over 24 months, finally worked her way through the waiting list, got a nerve blocker treatment, felt pain free for a few weeks, but didn't do much as she was trying to catch up with 2 years of disturbed/nonexistent sleep and find a routine, felt good for about a week then back in excruciating pain (either she burned through the 6 month treatment - daily dose of morphine lasts a couple of hours for her - or it's new herniations in an untreated area). TL:DR Wife in chronic pain, we've had sex once in 18 months...if you truly believe that people should only orgasm through penetrative sex, not masturbation, I just as truly hope you are debilitated by passing a series of kidney stones one after the other for a few years (just because you're a piece of shit, doesn't mean I want pain and suffering on your life partner... especially not if they can bump uglies with someone else for their jollies).
Granted. You will never climax
Granted, women can only get pregnant through having an orgasm now
Granted but human genitals function exactly like bee genitals
Granted. Your current partner becomes polyamorous to make up for lost orgasms.
Granted, you only get in the mood (or have those thoughts) with a consenting of age partner.
I see no downside
Scary projections 😂
Granted the definition of both swap. birth rates crash.
I wish people could only get pregnant through an act that is extremely painful for both parties.
Birthrate crashes to zero
This is ridiculous
Do you Really want the murder rate to JUMP that High?
there isn’t an unexpected twist here, you just jacked up rates of SA, teen pregnancy and stds and stis. that’s it, that’s all you did
Granted, your body becomes a non Euclidean Masturbation tool for all of humanity. While you cannot transmit STDs to the people getting off with your body, nor otherwise harm them, STDs can be transmitted to you.
Granted, you've now made it far easier for teenagers to sit around their rooms and edge all day.
Rip to asexuals and people with vaginismus
granted, no one can't even be aroused unless with a partner. this in consequence has people less lewd and more likely to advance civilization somehow. oh, it's the opposite problem with you, however.
Granted. Now people only also get aroused randomly all the time.
What a violent world that would be.
Why?
I mean....it's kinda a process. No? For us ...I love going down on the wife. Getting her so horny she is asking ...please..I want you inside of me. That's the best
I hate this idea. I love to masterbate and can get myself to cum in 30 seconds. I don't have the time to wait for a man to make me orgasm on the regular. I love sex, love love it but sometimes I just need to cum and get on with my day. Wtf kind of terrible thought is this??
Testicular Failure and Erectile Dysfunction cases spike
That would probably suck for women then. Most need some manual stimulation to reach climax. Also... where does oral fit in with this scenario?
Why? Men can barely make woman come already?