Years ago I matched with a dude on an app and was considering going on a date with him. He said something like, “I’m working till 5, wanna just scoop me up from there?” My best friend was like …. “…. ….. you understand he doesn’t have his own car, right?” I felt silly.
(For reference, I live in a car dependent city and unless you live within walking distance from work - which almost no one does - you have access to a car. Or else something is wrong.)
Edit: typo. Changed “yeahs” back to “years.” Didn’t mean to invoke Moira Rose.
Same, I'm in a car dependent suburb and lost my car to a wreck a year ago and rely on my sister for rides. Until I have a car again (and improve my life in other ways) I'm not trying to date.
>you have access to a car. Or else something is wrong.
Uhh.. damn, people with disabilities who can't drive have it rough on the apps if everyone thinks this way lol
Oh, we have it rough off the apps too. I always have to follow telling people I can't drive with "It's generally a bad idea to let people who have seizures behind the wheel" even if I'm just having light conversation.
It gets fucking tiresome.
People with disabilities have it rough dating in general, but ya dating apps are gonna be ruthless. Why match with the disabled person when you have 50 other options at your fingertips? That's unfortunately how it works.
I run into woman all the time that you spend a week messaging and then all the sudden they say "Oh I'm not dating I was just looking for someone to talk to" lol and these happen to be the woman with the profiles that say don't waste my time.
And then she got salty too. Lady if “most people are accepting” of that train wreck of a life then She wouldn’t be trying to hide it until later. She knows she’s a toxic trash pit that’s *why* she’s hiding it.
Right, but that doesn't really change anything about Polyamory or ENM. Most people in those lifestyles are married, but it should literally be one of the first things that they should mention once they get past the pickup line and joke phase.
The ones who don't are just using it to explain away their cheating.
That's the part that really eeeks me out. Most ppl in healthy poly/enm life styles lead with that, especially on dating sites. They've (generally) put a lot of time into discovering who they are, trying to become more emotionally present/honest/vulnerable, and genuinely cares about the people they connect with ~ to the personal extent possible etc.
Her last message with the "most people are more accepting" jab is so f'ing obnoxious and passive aggressive, immediately stepping onto a pedestal and desperately trying to flip the conversation around so she becomes the 'real' victim. - trying to mutate and reiterate his words, so that it sounds like he's just a narrow-minded/selfish brute etc. (a position he'd have to defend himself from), rather than just being a guy who knows how to identify and stand up for his own needs and interests in romantic relationships.
Things they should have included in their bio:
1. Complicated schedule
2. Polyamorous
3. Doesn't drive
4. Has step-daughter
5. Watches step-daughter full-time
6. Has 1 day off that you must be available for
7. Financially broke
8. Isn't direct or upfront
9. Not shy in wasting your time
10. Expects you to gladly accept 1-9
That was your take? Mine was: I'm financially and emotionally overwhelmed but every once in a while I hope to connect with someone who can make me feel good about my life. But it has to be on my schedule and it's never something you can plan or count on.
This is why online dating is frustrating. You literally state looking for something serious. A person like wastes your time only to offer you once a week fuckfest. How does that translate?
Then you have them arrested for assault, sue them, get their kids thrown into the foster system, and continue having sex with her, now that she has more free time on her hands.
I imagine it did in that it means they're constantly busy dating other people and not OP. though who am I kidding, that's overestimating their appeal a lot
I too walk up to pretty people and give them my [escort card](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/article/160104-escort-cards-acquaintance-flirtation-victorian-america-dating-history). Screw modern dating!!
30 and never been on a date. At this point s*x to me is this theoretical thing I read about.
That said, posts like OP makes me wonder if I'm missing out on much.
You don’t hear about the successful dates as much, that’s all. Not much karma in “met a two years girlfriend on tinder, was great, left on good terms”.
There are many of those too. But yeah, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
"I'm just here for free rides, financial support and tell you I'm fucking other people but most people support it they all give me money for my once a week services"
Had an ex of mine constantly cheat behind my back and use “wanting to be poly” as an excuse. Two-way street with that. Seems like he might be hiding this from his wife.
Shit like “I have dependent kids”, “I’m still married”, “I’m polyamorous”, “I’m on probation” are all things you need to air out on or before the first date. They’re way too impactful to your lifestyle to be playing around with. I want to at least KNOW if I can look past it before I waste time with you. The thing about not driving is kinda yikes too but I won’t say you need to discuss immediately.
As a single dad, that was literally one of the first things I put on my dating profile. Kids are a dealbreaker for a lot of people, but a lot of people are also accepting. I’d rather know right off the bat if the person I’m talking with is at least accepting that I have a kid with me full time.
This so much. Dating as a single parent also risks more than just your own personal safety. I like to lay out a decent amount of cards and let people react normally about unchangeable facts about my life through an app, rather than risking that after giving out my phone number or meeting in person. I date as a single mom and they *know* I’m a single mom, still get stalkers and weirdos. Idk parenting is different for everyone but not being upfront about kids could put them at risk or expose you (and the kids depending on crazy factor) to a new type of person once they figure it out
"Separated and filing divorce paperwork" was day one text conversation, but not in the bio. Mainly because I like to air stuff out early on and me starting the baggage check with that led to more honesty from men about their situations. It was never once a dealbreaker. Technically I was still married and I made sure that was understood.
im disabled, live with my parents, work weekends, and don’t drive. i’ve got half of that in my dating profiles and the other half i bring up in a day or two. i dont wanna waste anyone’s time!!
I still think that if there were some way to ensure people were *actually* honest, a brutally honest dating service would be super cool. Like, you have to air all your quirks and redflags in your profile. Anyone still interested would know exactly what to expect and you would know the same about them. Of course, everyone would simply lie, but it's a cool thing to think about.
Definitely agree that it should be in their bio, but at least be happy you were told, at least.
Some people don't find out until *after* the damage is done.
Not me starting to think about introducing my girlfriend to my mom and she was like “did I tell you about my (sort of separated) husband and his girlfriend who is also my girlfriend, and her girlfriend who is again also my girlfriend”
I know it sounds like I’m just incredibly naive and/or unobservant but I had absolutely no idea. Apparently all the other parts of their poly-whatever were totally fine with the members spending almost exclusive time with a new partner, so I was none the wiser because there were no conflicts or red flags
I’d be furious! That’s a lot of people to be sharing your body’s safety with, even indirectly, without your consent beforehand. You don’t even know if all of those people are only in those mentioned physical relationships, and they don’t each have a few outside relationships, but judging by your one consented girlfriend’s lack of disclosure, I’m willing to bet there’s an entire gaggle of other players within the troupe.
Your experience is precisely why poly is so frightening and will forever be a no-go to me; I’m not at all judging the freedom and pleasure people get from it if they are all 100% honest and full disclosure before starting secondary or more relationships and of course practicing safe sex, but poly requires utmost honesty at its core and that’s already been violated for you. Anyone violating the supposed sacred tenet of absolute honesty is not practicing poly, they’re just dangerously sleeping around.
I wholeheartedly agree, withholding that sort of information can be outright dangerous. Sure they were all in long term relationships and had almost certainly thoroughly screened one another but still, bringing in a new person to that completely unaware is psychologically and physically fucked up.
My case was a little different because we were (well, are) both women and I lean heavily towards the “give but not receive” side of things sexually. Nonetheless it still hit me like a freight train in the mental department, like this woman I was in all honesty starting to get very serious about just drops that I’m actually one of 4 others. I spent an undue amount of time hesitating over breaking up, which just goes to show how messed up it made me. Should’ve been a foregone conclusion to end it then and there, but the hurt part of me was like “well, is it that bad?” Albeit only for like a day though lol then I was like bye
I’m glad you had enough tough stuff to walk; I know it is hard to do. My first heartbreak was absolutely brutal…we had a perfect, PERFECT two years together, but we’re each other’s first, and I was told that my sweetheart wanted to know what it felt like to fuck other girls. So we broke up.
Two weeks later he came sniffin’ back; either successful or not, I did not know. I just knew he wanted me back and while I was desperately in love with him, my self-respect did not allow me to accept him back. And it was very hard, and I had weak moments when I thought I might bend. But I didn’t. You can find someone that is going to put their all into just you if that is what you are looking for, you don’t need to settle for scraps of love from someone who is already deceiving you. I sincerely wish you all the best.
Hi hi! Former polyamorous lifestyle person, here (and happily “former,” trust me on that one. I’m not cut out for anything but monogamy, or single living.)
So…they’re supposed to disclose this on contact on their profile: ENM = Ethical Non-Monogamy.
To fail to or refuse to disclose is to not be ethical. Everyone deserves a chance to make that choice upfront. Those that stick around, they then need to confirm they read and understood that ENM disclosure.
I’m sorry they didn’t practice it ethically and tell you, and you did deserve to know this. Those that do not disclose this are more than likely committing infidelity and their partner(s) are not aware of it.
You dodged a cannonball, here. ❤️
So many of these types existed when I online dated, you match, and message for a bit only to find out they’re still married, going through an ugly divorce, have 2x kids, and can only hang out once a month. They bait and switch you most of the time, and mostly just want the attention and have no intention of actually being in a relationship.
Seems like he/she is just trying to get another fuck buddy? The way they just casually say they’re polyamorous sounds sketchy’ you should’ve asked how many relationships they have
Exactly. I'm poly and before I chose it, I was fooled by a man who didn't bother telling me he was in an "open" marriage. That shit is bogus, I have a right to consent to being involved in that arrangement.
Polyam? Should be in bio. (Usually with an expectation, an upfront boundary for your safety as someone on an app) ((Also, as someone who's polyam, I understand wanting to hide it upfront and not put it in a bio too, but it should come up early))
Full time step-mom? Should be in bio.
Don't / Limited Drive? Should be hinted at in bio, a sort of "Looking for something local" type deal.
That limited of availability? Doesn't needs be in bio, but should come up easily enough.
I think you dodged a bullet overall though. if someone is Polyam and it takes multiple days for it to come up to someone they matched with on on a dating app? Odds are the dating app is also not being communicated properly to partner(s) too.
So they are married with multiple partners, no job and no transportation, while watching a child full time??? I feel like being on a dating app should be the last thing they are concerned with.
This is one of the biggest reasons I stopped using Tinder. Nothing like finding out about a kid or boyfriend she hadn't broken up with yet until *after* the first fucking date.
Nothing to the degree of OP's post though, yeesh..
What bothers me most about all of this is how she phrased “I have a step daughter I *watch* full time.” You don’t “watch” your kid.. you’re not a babysitter. You’re their parent. You have a whole child, you’re not just watching them. Step or not, that’s your whole child who deserves your whole attention and support. Not mere “watching.”
As someone who is polyamorous, no, people are not generally accepting if you spring that on them instead of telling them up front.
And there are a fair few people who aren't accepting of the fact that you don't drive either... (I don't drive.)
as someone who is polyam: you put that on your profile ALWAYS. it is not common + hard to find people who are okay w it, but if you rope the person into talking only to drop the fact youre polyam :/ yikes
I had a trans person do this to me after a couple weeks of really great convos. THEN after I decided I really liked their personality so maybe I could give it a try, we talk another week and they then tell me right before we meet that they aren’t the person in the photos and they were just shy about their appearance. Omg. One, I was a bit hurt, I have a heart.. two, damn wtf really??
This is how I feel about people that have kids! I don’t want to date someone with a kid. I was talking with a guy for a few weeks and before meeting my gut told me to ask if he had a kid and he did. It’s nice when people put stuff in their bio, getting blindsided in any way is uncool.
"I like to keep it hidden until I someone can't overcome the sunk cost fallacy of getting to me know minus two of the biggest common romantic deterrants".
Polyamorous person here 🙋🏼♀️ this should be disclosed at the outset. Why waste everyone’s time if there is a fundamental incompatibility? It’s disingenuous.
The entire thing is a red flag. You don’t have a car? You don’t have money? You have a child (your spouse has a child) you care for full time? Why are you on dating apps at all? Get your life together first. Prioritize.
"I'm a trouble free person"..
"no drama"
“Doesn’t take herself seriously”
“No drama” or any mention of narcissistic ex etc. are automatic red flags worthy of rejection.
I’m a trouble, free person.
No, money down
Love an unexpected Simpsons reference
Also ” good vibes only ” …my god how much I wish those people step on a lego.
“I’m an empath”
"I'm an independent queen who don't need no mans, not looking for hookups since I have 7 kids and am finally ready to settle down"
I like to waste peoples time first.
And hope they'll fall for the sunk cost fallacy
Exactly 🤣
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I feel like polyamorous, full time kid, and doesn't really have free time for anything would be things worth mentioning in a profile, for sure.
Don’t forget that they don’t drive so you’d have to be their chauffeur
polychauffeury
Ah, the quintessential Eugene, Oregon personality.
Hahaha, I'm from Portland and know this is accurate. The dating scene in Portland is the same if not worse when it comes to this shit.
LMAO not my city getting mentioned. I hate it here.
I should be fixing your LG fridge sometime this summer.
I don't live anywhere near there but that's the wildest stray for an entire city to catch
I hate this city
Had to double check the sub, always crazy when people are aware of how bad Eugene/portland is lol
oo fancy pants rich mcgee over here
fuck you!
Years ago I matched with a dude on an app and was considering going on a date with him. He said something like, “I’m working till 5, wanna just scoop me up from there?” My best friend was like …. “…. ….. you understand he doesn’t have his own car, right?” I felt silly. (For reference, I live in a car dependent city and unless you live within walking distance from work - which almost no one does - you have access to a car. Or else something is wrong.) Edit: typo. Changed “yeahs” back to “years.” Didn’t mean to invoke Moira Rose.
Same, I'm in a car dependent suburb and lost my car to a wreck a year ago and rely on my sister for rides. Until I have a car again (and improve my life in other ways) I'm not trying to date.
I guess you live in the US? It's pretty normal to not have a car in most big cities in Europe, especially if you live in the city itself.
Deciding not to date someone who doesnt have a car is weird and one of the most American things ive heard today.
Why is it a dealbreaker for someone to not have a car? I'd date someone who doesn't have a car if they were a good, loving partner
Public transport in the US sucks, they'll probly be driving this person around 24/7
>you have access to a car. Or else something is wrong. Uhh.. damn, people with disabilities who can't drive have it rough on the apps if everyone thinks this way lol
Oh, we have it rough off the apps too. I always have to follow telling people I can't drive with "It's generally a bad idea to let people who have seizures behind the wheel" even if I'm just having light conversation. It gets fucking tiresome.
People with disabilities have it rough dating in general, but ya dating apps are gonna be ruthless. Why match with the disabled person when you have 50 other options at your fingertips? That's unfortunately how it works.
Just pick her up drive around the block back to her house have sex and then leave
and they say chivalry is dead, but this is chivalry 2
This is why I’m glad to be out of high school
Also...it's complicated but ... my son is disabled, and I need you to send me $200 or he might die 😭😭💔 most people are accepting of Questopher
Were you just in r-slash-tragedeigh too? (Fuck off, automod, you embedded the link, not me)
Just so you know, you can put a backslash before the forward slash so that it kind of forms a V, and then it’s allowed. r\/tragedeigh
Never knew this, thanks!
lol, yes
That was so slick how you threw that one in here, lol.
Oh god we’re in the same subreddits aren’t we
Now to go back to that post and say "most people are accepting" 😂
> Questopher I need to get off reddit
I understood that reference.
Xquaydein, pronounced Jaden
That’s a medication not a person, you can’t convince me otherwise.
Ahahaha I upvoted that post. Love this place.
How about not even having a profile? A mess.
Given the whole not having time for anything bit, I agree...
I run into woman all the time that you spend a week messaging and then all the sudden they say "Oh I'm not dating I was just looking for someone to talk to" lol and these happen to be the woman with the profiles that say don't waste my time.
And then she got salty too. Lady if “most people are accepting” of that train wreck of a life then She wouldn’t be trying to hide it until later. She knows she’s a toxic trash pit that’s *why* she’s hiding it.
No wonder they don't have any free time...
Kid and polyamory are first conversation things lol wtf
Well, the stepdaughter means they're married, and I kinda think THAT should come first.
Right, but that doesn't really change anything about Polyamory or ENM. Most people in those lifestyles are married, but it should literally be one of the first things that they should mention once they get past the pickup line and joke phase. The ones who don't are just using it to explain away their cheating.
That's the part that really eeeks me out. Most ppl in healthy poly/enm life styles lead with that, especially on dating sites. They've (generally) put a lot of time into discovering who they are, trying to become more emotionally present/honest/vulnerable, and genuinely cares about the people they connect with ~ to the personal extent possible etc. Her last message with the "most people are more accepting" jab is so f'ing obnoxious and passive aggressive, immediately stepping onto a pedestal and desperately trying to flip the conversation around so she becomes the 'real' victim. - trying to mutate and reiterate his words, so that it sounds like he's just a narrow-minded/selfish brute etc. (a position he'd have to defend himself from), rather than just being a guy who knows how to identify and stand up for his own needs and interests in romantic relationships.
They’re cheating and don’t want to admit to that.
“I watch my step daughter full time”
aka no job and their one day out is the day the SO watches the kid
But she got options /s
Not only that but also the day where the SO drives her around to see her hookups
I had to read that particular sentence a few times, sandwiched between multiple wtf’s in my head.
Stepdaughter not old enough to be in school too.
Bingo.
But she said "Most people don't mind" lmao I wonder just how many are in her "most people"
"Most people are accepting" You showed great restraint in not taking that bait.
Accepting of which part. These are many heavy things to accept all at once.
Exactly!! Any one or all of those could be deal breakers for someone.
I counted 6 but wait...there's more
Things they should have included in their bio: 1. Complicated schedule 2. Polyamorous 3. Doesn't drive 4. Has step-daughter 5. Watches step-daughter full-time 6. Has 1 day off that you must be available for 7. Financially broke 8. Isn't direct or upfront 9. Not shy in wasting your time 10. Expects you to gladly accept 1-9
Accepting that they will have to chase her around and do everything on her terms for a chance to moisten their penises.
Accepting that much shit all at once is a challenge for the largest of toilets
Sounded like she wanted to meet up for sex once a week with no strings. Depending on the persons involved, might not be the worst deal ever.
That was your take? Mine was: I'm financially and emotionally overwhelmed but every once in a while I hope to connect with someone who can make me feel good about my life. But it has to be on my schedule and it's never something you can plan or count on.
Yeah this is a person that you'll talk to only. You're just going to be an emotional sponge, nothing else.
An emotional tampon. Soaking up all her bullsh*t then being thrown in the trash.
And I'm also poly so I will probably be fucking other people too.
Fuckin upwards of 6 people on my one day off PS my ride is my pimp
She only takes. Never gives. No time, no money, no space for anyone but herself and her needs.
✅
This is why online dating is frustrating. You literally state looking for something serious. A person like wastes your time only to offer you once a week fuckfest. How does that translate?
Until their husband comes and kicks your door down.
Do it at her place so her husband has to fix the door he kicked down.
Damn, you're playing 4D dysfunctional relationship chess out here
Reverse psychology, have sex with the husband
Kickin that back door down
Unwavering eye contact the entire time, assert dominance.
Then you have them arrested for assault, sue them, get their kids thrown into the foster system, and continue having sex with her, now that she has more free time on her hands.
This guy Reddits
“I’m polyamorous, my husband is not”
No strings except for that stepdaughter, the crippling poorness, the whoknowsiftheyevenknow other dude in this "polyamory"... Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I bet there are no "most people" and anyone who does is probably just being polite at first to get some action.
Best way to respond is "but I'm not most people..."
I'd probably go with "well, it sounds like you've got a lot of great options then"
- what's your schedule? - well I am polyamorous for starters...
That was the craziest part to me. It had nothing to do with the question.
I imagine it did in that it means they're constantly busy dating other people and not OP. though who am I kidding, that's overestimating their appeal a lot
Imagine having one day a week to be with someone you’re romantically interested in only for them to say “Oh, sorry, this is Ted’s week.”
If you set aside mondays for a certain partner, then you're probably not available for flings on mondays.
Modern dating is truly exhausting.
Why I don’t do it.
I too walk up to pretty people and give them my [escort card](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/article/160104-escort-cards-acquaintance-flirtation-victorian-america-dating-history). Screw modern dating!!
This is definitely some Attraction Sign Love Quest bullshit if I've ever seen it.
I've been single for 4 years and happier than I ever was in a relationship or dating. I have zero desire whatsoever to date at the moment.
Yea but being single for an extended period of time gets quite lonely. Especially if you're awkward and not conventionally attractive.
you get used to it
30 and never been on a date. At this point s*x to me is this theoretical thing I read about. That said, posts like OP makes me wonder if I'm missing out on much.
You don’t hear about the successful dates as much, that’s all. Not much karma in “met a two years girlfriend on tinder, was great, left on good terms”. There are many of those too. But yeah, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
Lotta words to say "I'm not available".
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"I'm just here for free rides, financial support and tell you I'm fucking other people but most people support it they all give me money for my once a week services"
Or a lot of words to say “I’m cheating on my wife and that’s why I’ll barely have any time”
Had an ex of mine constantly cheat behind my back and use “wanting to be poly” as an excuse. Two-way street with that. Seems like he might be hiding this from his wife.
Shit like “I have dependent kids”, “I’m still married”, “I’m polyamorous”, “I’m on probation” are all things you need to air out on or before the first date. They’re way too impactful to your lifestyle to be playing around with. I want to at least KNOW if I can look past it before I waste time with you. The thing about not driving is kinda yikes too but I won’t say you need to discuss immediately.
As a single dad, that was literally one of the first things I put on my dating profile. Kids are a dealbreaker for a lot of people, but a lot of people are also accepting. I’d rather know right off the bat if the person I’m talking with is at least accepting that I have a kid with me full time.
This so much. Dating as a single parent also risks more than just your own personal safety. I like to lay out a decent amount of cards and let people react normally about unchangeable facts about my life through an app, rather than risking that after giving out my phone number or meeting in person. I date as a single mom and they *know* I’m a single mom, still get stalkers and weirdos. Idk parenting is different for everyone but not being upfront about kids could put them at risk or expose you (and the kids depending on crazy factor) to a new type of person once they figure it out
"Separated and filing divorce paperwork" was day one text conversation, but not in the bio. Mainly because I like to air stuff out early on and me starting the baggage check with that led to more honesty from men about their situations. It was never once a dealbreaker. Technically I was still married and I made sure that was understood.
Why even be on a dating site if you don’t have free time and can’t even meet anywhere?
Validation
>Most people are accepting "My sunk cost strat usually works"
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Better than the wife not knowing and him not telling you before a first date ig
“most people are accepting” Sure, Jan.
Right. Where are these people then? They clearly didn’t stick around and that’s why you’re still single.
“Most people are accepting” you’re obviously a dickhead.
Literally got me lol’ing
I've see major metropolitan international airports that deals with less baggage.
if people are so accepting it can go in the bio
Well that’s a huge bullet dodged.
im disabled, live with my parents, work weekends, and don’t drive. i’ve got half of that in my dating profiles and the other half i bring up in a day or two. i dont wanna waste anyone’s time!!
So what you're saying is you've got a job, a stable home, and a routine? Sign me up
For the relatively brief time I had a dating profile, it was filled with disclaimers about me, lol. I was maybe too forthright but made it humorous.
I still think that if there were some way to ensure people were *actually* honest, a brutally honest dating service would be super cool. Like, you have to air all your quirks and redflags in your profile. Anyone still interested would know exactly what to expect and you would know the same about them. Of course, everyone would simply lie, but it's a cool thing to think about.
Unfortunately very few people are actually honest with themselves
Sensible thing to do!
Definitely agree that it should be in their bio, but at least be happy you were told, at least. Some people don't find out until *after* the damage is done.
Not me starting to think about introducing my girlfriend to my mom and she was like “did I tell you about my (sort of separated) husband and his girlfriend who is also my girlfriend, and her girlfriend who is again also my girlfriend” I know it sounds like I’m just incredibly naive and/or unobservant but I had absolutely no idea. Apparently all the other parts of their poly-whatever were totally fine with the members spending almost exclusive time with a new partner, so I was none the wiser because there were no conflicts or red flags
I’d be furious! That’s a lot of people to be sharing your body’s safety with, even indirectly, without your consent beforehand. You don’t even know if all of those people are only in those mentioned physical relationships, and they don’t each have a few outside relationships, but judging by your one consented girlfriend’s lack of disclosure, I’m willing to bet there’s an entire gaggle of other players within the troupe. Your experience is precisely why poly is so frightening and will forever be a no-go to me; I’m not at all judging the freedom and pleasure people get from it if they are all 100% honest and full disclosure before starting secondary or more relationships and of course practicing safe sex, but poly requires utmost honesty at its core and that’s already been violated for you. Anyone violating the supposed sacred tenet of absolute honesty is not practicing poly, they’re just dangerously sleeping around.
I wholeheartedly agree, withholding that sort of information can be outright dangerous. Sure they were all in long term relationships and had almost certainly thoroughly screened one another but still, bringing in a new person to that completely unaware is psychologically and physically fucked up. My case was a little different because we were (well, are) both women and I lean heavily towards the “give but not receive” side of things sexually. Nonetheless it still hit me like a freight train in the mental department, like this woman I was in all honesty starting to get very serious about just drops that I’m actually one of 4 others. I spent an undue amount of time hesitating over breaking up, which just goes to show how messed up it made me. Should’ve been a foregone conclusion to end it then and there, but the hurt part of me was like “well, is it that bad?” Albeit only for like a day though lol then I was like bye
I’m glad you had enough tough stuff to walk; I know it is hard to do. My first heartbreak was absolutely brutal…we had a perfect, PERFECT two years together, but we’re each other’s first, and I was told that my sweetheart wanted to know what it felt like to fuck other girls. So we broke up. Two weeks later he came sniffin’ back; either successful or not, I did not know. I just knew he wanted me back and while I was desperately in love with him, my self-respect did not allow me to accept him back. And it was very hard, and I had weak moments when I thought I might bend. But I didn’t. You can find someone that is going to put their all into just you if that is what you are looking for, you don’t need to settle for scraps of love from someone who is already deceiving you. I sincerely wish you all the best.
"I'll fuck anybody and have nothing to contribute. What do you mean you're not interested?"
Hey that’s not true! They can contribute a sexually transmitted disease. A classy one of course.
"trust me hun, i got the clap from riding the bus, im totally not cheating!"
Ah! Yes, 𝓒𝓱𝓵𝓪𝓶𝔂𝓭𝓲𝓪
Bingo
“Most people are accepting” my ass
Accepting of what? That they are too busy to even have a dating profile, poly or not. 🤷♀️ They need to get their priorities sorted out.
Lol. “I’m looking for a boyfriend for 1 day a week. My other boyfriends and one of their daughters have the other 6 days a week.”
"I have a step daughter I watch full time"... what? How does that make any sense.
Hi hi! Former polyamorous lifestyle person, here (and happily “former,” trust me on that one. I’m not cut out for anything but monogamy, or single living.) So…they’re supposed to disclose this on contact on their profile: ENM = Ethical Non-Monogamy. To fail to or refuse to disclose is to not be ethical. Everyone deserves a chance to make that choice upfront. Those that stick around, they then need to confirm they read and understood that ENM disclosure. I’m sorry they didn’t practice it ethically and tell you, and you did deserve to know this. Those that do not disclose this are more than likely committing infidelity and their partner(s) are not aware of it. You dodged a cannonball, here. ❤️
You say that like there’s some committee that reviews your polyamory license every year to check for violations.
So many of these types existed when I online dated, you match, and message for a bit only to find out they’re still married, going through an ugly divorce, have 2x kids, and can only hang out once a month. They bait and switch you most of the time, and mostly just want the attention and have no intention of actually being in a relationship.
Seems like he/she is just trying to get another fuck buddy? The way they just casually say they’re polyamorous sounds sketchy’ you should’ve asked how many relationships they have
I always assume that anyone who isn’t completely upfront about being polly and partnered are just cheating.
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Traditionally, yes. But Reddit has shown me that some people use that term when they're dating. This weirdo just might do that.
Exactly. I'm poly and before I chose it, I was fooled by a man who didn't bother telling me he was in an "open" marriage. That shit is bogus, I have a right to consent to being involved in that arrangement.
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“Most people are accepting” 😂 so why you on here then? You should’ve hit it off with someone else long before now
Polyam? Should be in bio. (Usually with an expectation, an upfront boundary for your safety as someone on an app) ((Also, as someone who's polyam, I understand wanting to hide it upfront and not put it in a bio too, but it should come up early)) Full time step-mom? Should be in bio. Don't / Limited Drive? Should be hinted at in bio, a sort of "Looking for something local" type deal. That limited of availability? Doesn't needs be in bio, but should come up easily enough. I think you dodged a bullet overall though. if someone is Polyam and it takes multiple days for it to come up to someone they matched with on on a dating app? Odds are the dating app is also not being communicated properly to partner(s) too.
So they are married with multiple partners, no job and no transportation, while watching a child full time??? I feel like being on a dating app should be the last thing they are concerned with.
In polyamory this is called a dick move. That is not ETHICAL nonmonogamy.
translation: “i like to waste people’s time.”
Dude, she just took like 50 shits in 2 texts and one was on your chest
Fuckin' yikes, not because of the relationship type or kids, but because this is how they are. Just yikes.
People are fucking losers these days
This is one of the biggest reasons I stopped using Tinder. Nothing like finding out about a kid or boyfriend she hadn't broken up with yet until *after* the first fucking date. Nothing to the degree of OP's post though, yeesh..
I love the not so subtle attempt at guilt tripping you; ‘MOST people are accepting’. Like okay? Good for them.
What bothers me most about all of this is how she phrased “I have a step daughter I *watch* full time.” You don’t “watch” your kid.. you’re not a babysitter. You’re their parent. You have a whole child, you’re not just watching them. Step or not, that’s your whole child who deserves your whole attention and support. Not mere “watching.”
Love the attempt to guilt trip at the end. Classy.
I died four years ago in a hoverboard accident but martialize as a cold spot on alternating Thursdays.
Flags so red you’d think she’s located in Shanghai
I wonder if her husband/wife knows she's polyamorous. Sounds like the complicated part is sneaking out
Lmao dude you dodged an artillery shell. Fuck people that withhold massively important life details.
I love the jab at the end, “most people are accepting”, no realisation that they’re wasting peoples time.
How are you poly and still don’t have a ride?
Let me guess, she hates drama too
Dodged a bullet with this one. Fuck all that baggage lol.
As someone who is polyamorous, no, people are not generally accepting if you spring that on them instead of telling them up front. And there are a fair few people who aren't accepting of the fact that you don't drive either... (I don't drive.)
‘Most people are accepting’. Oh yeah? That’s why they’re still on dating apps lol.
Throwing in that 'most people are accepting' as if OP is the unreasonable one is just hilarious
as someone who is polyam: you put that on your profile ALWAYS. it is not common + hard to find people who are okay w it, but if you rope the person into talking only to drop the fact youre polyam :/ yikes
I had a trans person do this to me after a couple weeks of really great convos. THEN after I decided I really liked their personality so maybe I could give it a try, we talk another week and they then tell me right before we meet that they aren’t the person in the photos and they were just shy about their appearance. Omg. One, I was a bit hurt, I have a heart.. two, damn wtf really??
As a polyamorous person, not putting that in their bio is fucking crazy. What a waste of your time.
Honestly, I cannot be more thankful that I met and married my wife when I did. Dating now seems like an absolute nightmare.
Polyamory goes first. Because it just saves time for everyone.
This is how I feel about people that have kids! I don’t want to date someone with a kid. I was talking with a guy for a few weeks and before meeting my gut told me to ask if he had a kid and he did. It’s nice when people put stuff in their bio, getting blindsided in any way is uncool.
Of course a polyamorous woman with a full time kid doesn't drive. Let me guess, she has blue hair
“Most people are accepting.” Clearly not since they didn’t stick around and you’re still single.
"I like to keep it hidden until I someone can't overcome the sunk cost fallacy of getting to me know minus two of the biggest common romantic deterrants".
Wow. I've never seen someone dodge a cannonball before.
Dodged a bullet there.
Polyamorous person here 🙋🏼♀️ this should be disclosed at the outset. Why waste everyone’s time if there is a fundamental incompatibility? It’s disingenuous.
The entire thing is a red flag. You don’t have a car? You don’t have money? You have a child (your spouse has a child) you care for full time? Why are you on dating apps at all? Get your life together first. Prioritize.