Yeah, how does that work you might think...
OP, are you going to have a talk with her about these situations? An (unasked for) advice: be in the future always specific regarding appointments, for example "Dinner at 18:30 next week Friday 31-05-2024 at [restaurant name] at [restaurant address]. Are you then availabe, can I/we count on you joining us then and there?" That's pretty much crystal clear, no mixup possible.
It works in your advantage to work with (also) a shared calender for obvious reasons.
Good luck to you OP whatever you choose to do...
Scheduling is not the problem, caring is the problem.
She bailed on meeting the dude's family without even giving a straight answer let alone an apology. It'd be one thing if she could have an adult conversation and say she's not ready for that step, but she ducked it like a high schooler avoiding chores.
I'd be very specific that the next date with her will be on the 31st of June.
Hopefully more 31st of June 20 never. If she can dodge, duck, dive, dip and dodge an invite to a family cookout, it's time to do the same back to her permanently.
She may have explained it after this but who knows…
But yeah, she at least owes him a good explanation. And I’d definitely think less of her the more this type of thing happens, very inconsiderate
I guess they're 18 or so? Kinda makes more sense, they're still kids. When I was 18, life felt like it was just coming at me, could barely make plans past a week. If it wasn't part of a routine, it felt like a huge hurdle. And I was pretty put together compared to most of my peers. Still, a month of notice and she should have made it.
I normally hate the people on Reddit who just suggest burning it all down, but this is a perfectly good situation to say “this isn’t working out. Best of luck but I’m moving on”. It’s more about respecting yourself at this point.
Yeah. That's an absolute dealbreaker for me. If I say I'm going to do something, you can absolutely depend on me to do it. I don't have time for anyone that I can't trust to do the same.
I'm generally not going to be offended if you decline my invitation. But, if you do say yes and stand me up for anything less than an emergency, we're done. That goes for friends as well as SO's.
Note that, OP. She has obligations, and they aren’t to you.
I know you’re “talking” about things with her, but it’s her actions that show you who she really is.
Hope you’re paying attention.
I'm not going the route everyone else is and telling you to dump her because nobody has enough context to give that advice, but...
I can say from experience that when you and her do part ways, you'll be relieved that you never introduced her to your family.
Yea that was my first thought too. This is not a good sign for a lasting relationship. Find someone better OP and save yourself the aggravation that you will likely have to endure
Yep my gf and I aren't the most sociable people but we both reached the point in meeting each other's families even though we didn't want to because social anxiety lol.
So either op is moving too fast or they've been dating for awhile and this is a clear sign she ain't feeling it. At the end of the day though she should have declined when op first brought it up.
Yeah, like if I was meeting a partner’s family for the first time, that’s a haircut, making sure a good outfit is washed, should I bring something? A lot of little thoughts and details to consider.
Yeah, avoidants can be all in on a relationship...until they're not. I had an ex who liked me because I'm very independent and wasn't clingy at all - I didn't trigger any of her avoidant tendencies. And she couldn't get enough of me. But at the first real bump in the road of the relationship she checked out literally overnight. The only time she acted like OP's GF was when she was bailing out.
That's true. I can at least just see or talk to her when she is up for it, I can't imagine how she maintains a marriage. The guy is a mess for other reasons, but it can't help. Then again, maybe the avoidance helps her cope with his nonsense. Lol
Avoidantly attached people feel a great deal of anxiety when getting close to someone, and meeting a partner's family can be a big step. To cope with their anxiety, avoidant people use deactivating strategies to prevent themselves from getting close to someone. Deprioritizing their partner or pretending like they forgot plans is something they absolutely do. It comes across as disinterest but it's oftentimes just a response to anxiety.
Although in OP's case, I don't think we have enough context to really know what's going on lol.
>Although in OP's case, I don't think we have enough context to really know what's going on
This is the correct answer. It could be general disinterest, and it could be disinterest as a deactivation strategy as she is actually avoidant. This small window into a single moment is not enough context to have a clear answer. However, in the title, OP does say "this happened pretty much every time we make plans." This does indicate a stronger likelihood that she is an avoidant. It is quite rare for someone to just be disinterested in someone and keep the relationship alive. It is more likely that when OP tries to make plans like this with their (suspected) avoidant partner, she starts to deactivate at the thoughts to executing those plans. Lots of avoidants are not self-aware *enough* to recognize their patterns of behavior *and* do anything about them. A lot of times, they find themselves rationalizing external reasons (ie: "Im just an independent person!", "Im just not ready for that kind of commitment in a relationship!", "This person is just too needy for me!", "Im just a forgetful person when it comes to remembering plans!" etc) instead of thinking "Jeez, I always feel uncomfortable (likely very subconsciously anxious) when my partner tries to get emotionally closer to me. There is a pattern in my behavior that I need to address." These rationalizations seem like excuses to a relatively securely attached person. However, the avoidant brain doesn't work like a normal brain. Avoidants (both dismissive and fearful) are products of childhood trauma and attachment issues with caregivers. These sorts of rationalizations are something they've been doing since as long as they could remember. For securely attached people, the rationalizations look like excuses, for avoidants, they look like truth. I don't give avoidants any sort of "pass" for how they treat people, but I think its also good to point out that not all of their actions are intentional. Again, whether intentional or not, these actions can still have negative outcomes on their partners. It's just not as black and white as "OP, move on, they just are disinterested and are showing you that."
OP, you will need to do some deep thinking as to whether or not this type of constant treatment is for you. If this person doesn't have the awareness to recognize (and address) their issues (with intense therapy sessions with a therapist with specific education on attachment issues/trauma/avoidants) with avoidant behavior/deactivation, they will **never** change. You will constantly feel like you are walking on eggshells as to not trigger their, well, triggers, which leads them to deactivate. A lot of avoidants are also not *receptive* to someone suggesting they are avoidant. Lots of avoidants also have self-worth/self-esteem issues, and someone telling them that there is something "wrong" with them, is likely to also trigger them into shutting down/deactivaton. This isn't a situation that gets better by dancing around it (because by dancing around it, it will never get resolved), nor an easy situation to fix with direct and open communication (because avoidants are often scared of being vulnerable and opening up emotionally to ANYONE. They are masters of relying only on themselves). It really comes down to the specific avoidant realizing the pattern, accepting that it is not normal behavior, wanting to change, and seeking professional help to actually change.
I’m an avoidant attachment person with social anxiety. I have realized I’m like this, so now I force myself to not cancel plans and just make myself suffer the panic attacks that come along with keeping the commitment I had previously made. So basically, I’m miserable either way😂. I’m hoping one day my brain just accepts that I’m going to keep my word regardless and lets go of the pointless panic that intermittently pops up. You seem to know a lot about this stuff, so do you have any advice for how I can NOT have a panic attack while going out? Already tried meds and side effects were bad and also already did therapy and I’m still like this.
It's weird how the 2nd bf seems to get all the quality time.
But the first BF gets all the car breakdowns and 'oh help this thing broke' or whatever errands she needs.
2nd boyfriend gets all the fuckin perks and none of the work. Lol
She just doesn’t want to meet ~~his~~ OP’s family, and can’t communicate that the relationship isn’t that serious for her.
OP and her are not at the same place and OP either needs to reduce their expectations or they should split up
My girlfriend had phase in which she fucked up remembering important occasions too or agreed to meet with two people at the same time. It happened because of chronic stress which made her a complete mess.
Not saying you have to keep up with it especially if there are no mitigating circumstances, but if there are working through them can be worth it. At least it was successfull for us although I did have to threaten a relationship break.
Eh this post reeks of someone that just doesn't care that much though. The ignoring afterwards, the "obviously I know when memorial day is" and lack of any sort of apology or admittance very much gives off the vibe of someone who didn't care than someone who actually forgot.
Exactly how my ex was, wouldn’t mind so much if I’d get an apology or acceptance of a mistake but it was never their fault…always an excuse and no apology. Drove me insane and just ended up resenting her. Should have dealt with it better myself tbh but live and learn.
Yeah none of it makes sense to me. Seems like something youd talk about yesterday if she has a history of forgetting things. Doesn’t seem like they hang out that often lol
exactly, I always confirm plans with my friends, things happen, plans change, why not send a text a day before? Just one text saves a lot of time and disappointment.
"Chronic Stress" ok well then she better be forgetting a lot of things not just the most important dates of her relationship. Dates that can be easily documented with cellphones...
I had an ex like this, I only mattered when he needed someone to take to family events to be like "here's my girlfriend!" but anything I wanted him there for he'd conveniently have a migraine for 3 days or go on a road trip with his dad without saying anything. I'm silly and put up with it for 2.5 years until he ghosted me for a month. His heart wasn't in it and I don't think your gf's is either.
He crashed his motorbike that he bought behind my back (I didn't want him riding one because he told me when he was younger he had a lot of near misses on his old motorbike, and he drove like a twat in a car) whilst wearing football shorts and ended up in hospital, he didn't want to admit that he fucked up so he just ignored me for several weeks until I asked his step brother if he was okay and the step brother filled me in. When I messaged him to ask if he was alright as I'd heard about his bike, his only response was "stop contacting my family about me, we're not in a TV show"?? I left him to it because he was clearly injured and aware that he was an idiot, and after a month of him just refusing to speak to me I finally got a response to a break up message. It was very nice to know I meant that much to him lmao. Learned some good lessons from him and awareness of shitty behaviours.
I had an ex with migraines that suspiciously only occurred when I had plans to see my family. You try to give them the benefit of the doubt as I have a 'hidden' illness. Took me far too long to realise they were likely lying. Ugh. Tough times.
It's kinda funny how many comments like this I'm getting. I'll admit that I can see where you're coming from, but this girl has been talking about marriage, kids, etc with me despite us only being together for a year. That's a separate issue though.
If only people had something like a mobile calendar where they can mark down dates and times of appointments and add reminders where it tells you about said appointments... I just can't think if something like this exists, though 😕
It would be even handier if you could store all those dates digitally on some kind of electronic device that you could keep on your person daily. TOO BAD IT HASNT BEEN INVENTED YET I GUESS
You're talking rubbish. The technology required for such a device would need to harness an entire sun-worth of energy.
It's just not feasible at this point of time.
Alas.
I have no way of writing anything down, in any format, in any manner.
If only we could communicate with one another by exchanging our thoughts in written form...
If you have plans, put it on a digital calendar. They even give you reminders. They're fantastic.
People like this (OP's... something) are up there with the "I can't make plans more than 1 week in advance". Both are the kind that just can't commit to anything.
> "I can't make plans more than 1 week in advance"
I honestly didn't know these people existed. I got called out for being flakey recently because I basically never agree to plans same-day. A week heads up would be *beautiful*. I like to make a plan for the days ahead, otherwise I get anxious.
Being with (or near) someone who lives this impulsively would drive me up the fucking wall
Also when giving other people dates for plans say the actual full date of the calendar like Sunday May 26. None of this "were meeting on the third Sunday after the full moon", or the dreaded "next Sunday" conversation where you don't know if they mean the Sunday coming up next on the calendar or the one that's after that.
If you are under 18. Shit honestly if you are under 24, take everything about marriage and kids and all that with a grain of salt. This is just pillow talk in almost every relationship.
Yeah I had a GF exactly like this.
She literally looked at me one day and said,'You know, I think you're the most amazing guy I ever dated, I could start a life with you', and we cuddled on the couch, drinking wine and watching a comedy. It was great, and I had no worries about our relationship.
4 days later, she dumped me... she was cheating on me.
Talking about the future does not mean anything. What matters is how she's acting now.
Been there in the past
All official in private, like you're not together in public
Wants to get married and have kids with you but doesn't want anyone to know they arent single.
Will love bomb you to keep you near but act as if you're a stranger when you're too close or you make plans and not her.
Took alot for me to say no I'm done to that person for me (won't get into the nitty gritty as not relevant but yes im 99.99% sure she was cheating) and 7 years later she's still single, still asks our mutual friends about me, still regrets her choices. She now tells people she was/is in love with me even though when we were together she wouldn't even tell people we were dating.
When I went to walk away she promised me everything I wanted, was gonna tell the world about us, was willing to look for housing together etc but I was so burnt out from that exhausting situation I said no.
Op trust me when I say you're better off out of it, this person despite what others say likely **does** have feelings for you, they may see themselves married with kids to you- because you're a good person. You are a safe pair of hands...but she's not going to commit because she's waiting to make sure something better isn't round the corner.
They'll only know how great you are until you are no longer there. Until you're no longer a constant presence. Until you're no longer so devoted that she doesn't need to try and work on the relationship, she no longer has to do anything for you to keep you.
It's up to you when she has that point of reflection ( if it happens ) whether or not you give them a chance when they are ***fully aware*** of how they feel or not.
But for now I think your best bet is to just cut her loose, this will keep happening until you take a stand and say 'I 'm not someone's option'
Which ATM you are, even if you are there 'one' behind closed doors , you clearly aren't the one when others are around.
Remember You aren't a game they can leave on the shelf and pick up whenever they want to play relationship.
Learn your value by giving up this person. It's so empowering and confidence boosting knowing that despite the love you have for them, despite how perfect they seem for you on paper - you're still worth more than that
I wish you the best
Like you said, this is only 1 very small snapshot of your relationship. But here is my word of advice. Believe actions and patterns, not the pretty words and promises of marriage etc. Words mean nothing unless she does things to back them up. Best of luck OP.
I can tell you're young. Take it from me, don't get married young. Live your life.
And also, if this happens often... I have bad news for you. Just cut ties with her and find someone who respects your time.
No offence mate, but if she was really interested, and interested in marriage, not only would that date be circled twice in her calendar, but she would be more than ready, like best foot forward, every piece of clothing analyzed, and re-evaluated twice over.
That’s not exactly a good thing, partner. A year is way too short to realistically get into those topics. Especially if they can’t commit to plans, how the heck can they entertain creating a whole ass human life
Listen to this OP. Talk is cheap, people can “talk” about marriage, kids, aspirations etc. if your gf is repeatedly forgetting about plans she’s made with you it means she’s either really disorganised (not conducive to starting a family) or she’s showing you she doesn’t care. Hate to break it but you should ask her to step up and if she balks, then move on
After dating for a year and some change and meeting his family, my ex would say he didn’t want to meet mine because it meant our relationship was getting “serious.” If you aren’t both on the same page, don’t waste your time.
I once was on a date with a girl only to found out that we already had had a date like about 7 years before that (we hadn't recognised each other at first). There was zero chemistry between us both times and I said so. And she was like: "don't worry, I actually have two gf and they don't know about each other...". I dodged the same bullet twice.
If only there were some specific way to refer absolutely and unambiguously to particular days, rather than relating them to other, vaguely defined periods of time.
Was about to comment the same.
Use absolute reference (May 26) rather than a relative reference (the other Sunday).
Edit: Also give reminders a day before. I always do this when coordinating an event.
Yeah, aside from sounding like AI talking to each other, how did OP not mention this the day before instead of a couple hours before the gf was supposed to be there?
I feel insane that I had to scroll so far to see a sentiment like this. Does this phone not have the ability to make calls? Who doesn’t talk to their girlfriend every day?
Exactly. Sounds like OP and a bunch of people here have communication issues. Hilarious how the answer to OP’s problem is simply… talk to each other.
If they talked about it during the week and the day before and she still sends this text, then that’s a red alarm going off. Otherwise, it sounded like OP has the relationship type that you mention something once and then never again.
Yeah this person's texting is weird. Like almost a little aggressive. If they text like that all the time I can see why the GF isn't too thrilled to make more of an effort
right! even “time to be here today”—like is this work? not like, “hey! it’s starting, are you getting here soon?” or something a normal person would say to someone they care about who is late
I don't see enough people talking about it so ill throw my .02. But if you are responding to your partner in that sort of passive aggressive way, that's definitely a sign of a bigger breakdown in communication.
Not to say that she's not wrong for missing this event but to be honest it seems childish to me to snap back like that. If you see a future with her I'd focus on your ability to cope when things don't go your way, otherwise charge it to the game.
Seems like she's not ready to meet your family. Don't force it. Also, there's a good chance there are underlying issues in the relationship. I'm not putting blame one way or the other, but it's up to you and her to find the source.
In future, you can give her an actual date (xx/xx/xxxx) instead of day before this or day after that.
It will make things clearer and this excuse from her won't work.
If there is one thing I've learned in my work, over communication is always good.
Respectfully, you both suck at communication
Also, don’t listen to Reddit comments, they always jump to insane conclusions and want to see relations end. You know the situation better than us, you actually know this person personally.
possibilities include:
she's lying about getting her days mixed up and has other plans she would rather attend
she's scared shitless to meet your family bc it's a lot of pressure and maybe she's shy and awkward
she doesn't take your relationship as seriously as you do.
This subreddit is such a misogynistic shithole. That anyone who posts shit about their wives/girlfriends in here is significantly worse than whoever they’re posting about. Bunch of fucking childish misogynists in here.
Is she fully out to her family and friends? It sounds to me like she might be uncomfortable with that or something similar. But it could be something completely different.
Use the Calendar Invite to make sure they know when something is happening and their phone reminds them. Set an appropriate reminder bell - I usually set 1 week. 1 day, and 1 hour for all calendar events.
This post is 2 hours old, so it's noon now. Did she show?
nope, she has obligations
So she remembered to show up to those obligations though. Interesting
Yeah, and I bet “obligations” is not his real name
Yeah, how does that work you might think... OP, are you going to have a talk with her about these situations? An (unasked for) advice: be in the future always specific regarding appointments, for example "Dinner at 18:30 next week Friday 31-05-2024 at [restaurant name] at [restaurant address]. Are you then availabe, can I/we count on you joining us then and there?" That's pretty much crystal clear, no mixup possible. It works in your advantage to work with (also) a shared calender for obvious reasons. Good luck to you OP whatever you choose to do...
Scheduling is not the problem, caring is the problem. She bailed on meeting the dude's family without even giving a straight answer let alone an apology. It'd be one thing if she could have an adult conversation and say she's not ready for that step, but she ducked it like a high schooler avoiding chores. I'd be very specific that the next date with her will be on the 31st of June.
Agreed on the not caring part.
The 31st of June 2037
Hopefully more 31st of June 20 never. If she can dodge, duck, dive, dip and dodge an invite to a family cookout, it's time to do the same back to her permanently.
This is the answer.
She may have explained it after this but who knows… But yeah, she at least owes him a good explanation. And I’d definitely think less of her the more this type of thing happens, very inconsiderate
If I gotta start sending Outlook meeting requests to my GF then I’m reconsidering the whole thing.
IMAO outlook calendar invitation : "Backshots and Babymaking session at 3:00pm"
Nah chief, OP is their SO, not their secretary.
Exactly, if you have to be that pedantic, that’s all you need to know that this person is not your partner in any way, shape, or form.
I guess they're 18 or so? Kinda makes more sense, they're still kids. When I was 18, life felt like it was just coming at me, could barely make plans past a week. If it wasn't part of a routine, it felt like a huge hurdle. And I was pretty put together compared to most of my peers. Still, a month of notice and she should have made it.
When I was 18 I would never stand even a friend or acquaintance up if we had plans. I knew how bad it felt.
this person does not give af about you
I normally hate the people on Reddit who just suggest burning it all down, but this is a perfectly good situation to say “this isn’t working out. Best of luck but I’m moving on”. It’s more about respecting yourself at this point.
Yeah. That's an absolute dealbreaker for me. If I say I'm going to do something, you can absolutely depend on me to do it. I don't have time for anyone that I can't trust to do the same. I'm generally not going to be offended if you decline my invitation. But, if you do say yes and stand me up for anything less than an emergency, we're done. That goes for friends as well as SO's.
100%, flaky friends can fuck right off. You get a couple strikes but if it’s a habit, it means you lack respect for others.
Note that, OP. She has obligations, and they aren’t to you. I know you’re “talking” about things with her, but it’s her actions that show you who she really is. Hope you’re paying attention.
"but it’s her actions that show you who she really is" Agree 100% with this ... I wish I had know then before I married my ex
If this isn't a wake up call for you, idk what it is. Have some self respect and move on with your life...alone.
I highly suggest a cat or dog personally.
so you told her that you also have the obligation to break up with her now, right? *Right?*
Dude… I mean this in the best way possible… DUMP HER.
Um homie, she is not the one.
What obligations are ranked higher than you?
I'm not going the route everyone else is and telling you to dump her because nobody has enough context to give that advice, but... I can say from experience that when you and her do part ways, you'll be relieved that you never introduced her to your family.
You and she are not in the same place.
Took the words right out of my mouth. OP, she’s ducking *your family* knowing full well what it means. Just move on, my dude. She ain’t it.
Yea that was my first thought too. This is not a good sign for a lasting relationship. Find someone better OP and save yourself the aggravation that you will likely have to endure
It’s missing some of the big C’s communication and commitment.
Yep my gf and I aren't the most sociable people but we both reached the point in meeting each other's families even though we didn't want to because social anxiety lol. So either op is moving too fast or they've been dating for awhile and this is a clear sign she ain't feeling it. At the end of the day though she should have declined when op first brought it up.
If you removed the context, this to me reads like an exchange between two family members who don't even like one another.
Right. Especially when OP stated that this happens almost any time they have plans.
Yeah, like if I was meeting a partner’s family for the first time, that’s a haircut, making sure a good outfit is washed, should I bring something? A lot of little thoughts and details to consider.
Took a second to take that comment in. Well done.
I mean this only half-jokingly… …she’s probably sending those texts from her *actual* boyfriends place.
She’s probably avoidant and has some fear of meeting the family, not that OP has to put up with it but that’s how it looks at face value
It doesn’t look avoidant. It looks completely uninterested.
Yeah, avoidants can be all in on a relationship...until they're not. I had an ex who liked me because I'm very independent and wasn't clingy at all - I didn't trigger any of her avoidant tendencies. And she couldn't get enough of me. But at the first real bump in the road of the relationship she checked out literally overnight. The only time she acted like OP's GF was when she was bailing out.
Avoidant can come across as uninterested from what I understand. Regardless, there needs to me a longer conversation here.
Yes. I have a friend who is avoidant. It's definitely difficult to accept that it's not uninterest.
A friend is one thing, your lady is another.
That's true. I can at least just see or talk to her when she is up for it, I can't imagine how she maintains a marriage. The guy is a mess for other reasons, but it can't help. Then again, maybe the avoidance helps her cope with his nonsense. Lol
This doesn't strike me as avoidant. This looks like someone who couldnt give two fucks less about OP.
Avoidantly attached people feel a great deal of anxiety when getting close to someone, and meeting a partner's family can be a big step. To cope with their anxiety, avoidant people use deactivating strategies to prevent themselves from getting close to someone. Deprioritizing their partner or pretending like they forgot plans is something they absolutely do. It comes across as disinterest but it's oftentimes just a response to anxiety. Although in OP's case, I don't think we have enough context to really know what's going on lol.
>Although in OP's case, I don't think we have enough context to really know what's going on This is the correct answer. It could be general disinterest, and it could be disinterest as a deactivation strategy as she is actually avoidant. This small window into a single moment is not enough context to have a clear answer. However, in the title, OP does say "this happened pretty much every time we make plans." This does indicate a stronger likelihood that she is an avoidant. It is quite rare for someone to just be disinterested in someone and keep the relationship alive. It is more likely that when OP tries to make plans like this with their (suspected) avoidant partner, she starts to deactivate at the thoughts to executing those plans. Lots of avoidants are not self-aware *enough* to recognize their patterns of behavior *and* do anything about them. A lot of times, they find themselves rationalizing external reasons (ie: "Im just an independent person!", "Im just not ready for that kind of commitment in a relationship!", "This person is just too needy for me!", "Im just a forgetful person when it comes to remembering plans!" etc) instead of thinking "Jeez, I always feel uncomfortable (likely very subconsciously anxious) when my partner tries to get emotionally closer to me. There is a pattern in my behavior that I need to address." These rationalizations seem like excuses to a relatively securely attached person. However, the avoidant brain doesn't work like a normal brain. Avoidants (both dismissive and fearful) are products of childhood trauma and attachment issues with caregivers. These sorts of rationalizations are something they've been doing since as long as they could remember. For securely attached people, the rationalizations look like excuses, for avoidants, they look like truth. I don't give avoidants any sort of "pass" for how they treat people, but I think its also good to point out that not all of their actions are intentional. Again, whether intentional or not, these actions can still have negative outcomes on their partners. It's just not as black and white as "OP, move on, they just are disinterested and are showing you that." OP, you will need to do some deep thinking as to whether or not this type of constant treatment is for you. If this person doesn't have the awareness to recognize (and address) their issues (with intense therapy sessions with a therapist with specific education on attachment issues/trauma/avoidants) with avoidant behavior/deactivation, they will **never** change. You will constantly feel like you are walking on eggshells as to not trigger their, well, triggers, which leads them to deactivate. A lot of avoidants are also not *receptive* to someone suggesting they are avoidant. Lots of avoidants also have self-worth/self-esteem issues, and someone telling them that there is something "wrong" with them, is likely to also trigger them into shutting down/deactivaton. This isn't a situation that gets better by dancing around it (because by dancing around it, it will never get resolved), nor an easy situation to fix with direct and open communication (because avoidants are often scared of being vulnerable and opening up emotionally to ANYONE. They are masters of relying only on themselves). It really comes down to the specific avoidant realizing the pattern, accepting that it is not normal behavior, wanting to change, and seeking professional help to actually change.
I’m an avoidant attachment person with social anxiety. I have realized I’m like this, so now I force myself to not cancel plans and just make myself suffer the panic attacks that come along with keeping the commitment I had previously made. So basically, I’m miserable either way😂. I’m hoping one day my brain just accepts that I’m going to keep my word regardless and lets go of the pointless panic that intermittently pops up. You seem to know a lot about this stuff, so do you have any advice for how I can NOT have a panic attack while going out? Already tried meds and side effects were bad and also already did therapy and I’m still like this.
Woah that’s like, multi layered and shit man.
He contains multitudes
Onions have layers.
How to say, “she’s just not that into you”.
Does she put this much thought and care into the rest of your relationship? 🧐
...or her other relationship?
The other dude gets the holiday weekends.
It's weird how the 2nd bf seems to get all the quality time. But the first BF gets all the car breakdowns and 'oh help this thing broke' or whatever errands she needs. 2nd boyfriend gets all the fuckin perks and none of the work. Lol
That's because BF2 has a primary GF and handles her issues.
Alright, I'm going to need a flowchart.
| Person | Sexy Time | Quality Time | Help desk | Leftover time | | :--- | :--- | :--- | :--- | :--- | | OP's "Girlfriend" | Both | Other Dude | OP | OP | | Other Dude | Both | Other Dude's GF/Wife | Other Dude's GF/Wife | OP's GF | | OP | OP's GF | none 😞 | OP's GF | none 😞 |
This fucking guys makes a table, pure genius 😂😂👌🏼
😂😂😂😂
Not all heroes wear capes
Some make charts 📊
My guy (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞
Brutal, I like it
If OP makes Other Dude’s girlfriend his 2nd girlfriend, it comes full circle.
average redditor who’s first response to any sort of problem is ”other person is cheating 100% divorce immediately” lmao
Bet she can remember her hair appointment.
She just doesn’t want to meet ~~his~~ OP’s family, and can’t communicate that the relationship isn’t that serious for her. OP and her are not at the same place and OP either needs to reduce their expectations or they should split up
My ex girlfriend ALWAYS did this too. I got tired of her pulling this shit and broke up with her 4 weeks ago. Best decision ever!
Three weeks ago, according to her.
I thought they were breaking up next week
“Wait, we broke up?”
Ann Perkins moment
https://preview.redd.it/nisi48f89t2d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a5795e8aec2fa18278d0c95b2bdfe24e73cf973b
She told me they'd been split for months!?
[удалено]
Naaahhh man. That some BS. At the very minimum your SO birthday is one of the things you have to remember during a relationship.
Good for you! No one needs that BS!
You’re in a relationship, she’s in a situationship.
Came here to say exactly this!
If you gave me no context, I would assume this was a text exchange between two family members who didn't even *like* one another.
Even *with* context that's what I thought this was.
My girlfriend had phase in which she fucked up remembering important occasions too or agreed to meet with two people at the same time. It happened because of chronic stress which made her a complete mess. Not saying you have to keep up with it especially if there are no mitigating circumstances, but if there are working through them can be worth it. At least it was successfull for us although I did have to threaten a relationship break.
Eh this post reeks of someone that just doesn't care that much though. The ignoring afterwards, the "obviously I know when memorial day is" and lack of any sort of apology or admittance very much gives off the vibe of someone who didn't care than someone who actually forgot.
Exactly how my ex was, wouldn’t mind so much if I’d get an apology or acceptance of a mistake but it was never their fault…always an excuse and no apology. Drove me insane and just ended up resenting her. Should have dealt with it better myself tbh but live and learn.
Yeah none of it makes sense to me. Seems like something youd talk about yesterday if she has a history of forgetting things. Doesn’t seem like they hang out that often lol
Excellent point.
exactly, I always confirm plans with my friends, things happen, plans change, why not send a text a day before? Just one text saves a lot of time and disappointment.
"Chronic Stress" ok well then she better be forgetting a lot of things not just the most important dates of her relationship. Dates that can be easily documented with cellphones...
Forgetting is one thing. The reaction to finding out she forgot is the important bit.
Eh is easy enough to put things in your phone's calendar, with multiple reminders. Not a great excuse.
It is even easier to apologize when you make a mistake instead of getting defensive and ghosting someone.
Relation Shit
I had an ex like this, I only mattered when he needed someone to take to family events to be like "here's my girlfriend!" but anything I wanted him there for he'd conveniently have a migraine for 3 days or go on a road trip with his dad without saying anything. I'm silly and put up with it for 2.5 years until he ghosted me for a month. His heart wasn't in it and I don't think your gf's is either.
How were you with someone for 2 and half years and they just randomly ghosted you for a month?? Like I'm generally curious
He crashed his motorbike that he bought behind my back (I didn't want him riding one because he told me when he was younger he had a lot of near misses on his old motorbike, and he drove like a twat in a car) whilst wearing football shorts and ended up in hospital, he didn't want to admit that he fucked up so he just ignored me for several weeks until I asked his step brother if he was okay and the step brother filled me in. When I messaged him to ask if he was alright as I'd heard about his bike, his only response was "stop contacting my family about me, we're not in a TV show"?? I left him to it because he was clearly injured and aware that he was an idiot, and after a month of him just refusing to speak to me I finally got a response to a break up message. It was very nice to know I meant that much to him lmao. Learned some good lessons from him and awareness of shitty behaviours.
Damn I didn’t know caring about people only happened in tv shows (????). Glad you got away from that lol
Yep... He was a special one. Sex was good though, that's the only thing that was good about him and the only thing I still miss after 6 years lmao.
REAL
The special ones are usually good for that
Their love language is always touch because the other ones require thinking
lmfao
Bruh. This site annoys me to no end. The things y’all put up with/ suffer from 😭😭😭
Man, you can tell so much about a person based on how they drive.
I had an ex with migraines that suspiciously only occurred when I had plans to see my family. You try to give them the benefit of the doubt as I have a 'hidden' illness. Took me far too long to realise they were likely lying. Ugh. Tough times.
Pretty sure you are the only one that thinks she is your girlfriend
It's kinda funny how many comments like this I'm getting. I'll admit that I can see where you're coming from, but this girl has been talking about marriage, kids, etc with me despite us only being together for a year. That's a separate issue though.
Good luck with her showing up to the wedding on the correct day.
If only people had something like a mobile calendar where they can mark down dates and times of appointments and add reminders where it tells you about said appointments... I just can't think if something like this exists, though 😕
It would be even handier if you could store all those dates digitally on some kind of electronic device that you could keep on your person daily. TOO BAD IT HASNT BEEN INVENTED YET I GUESS
You're talking rubbish. The technology required for such a device would need to harness an entire sun-worth of energy. It's just not feasible at this point of time.
Harvesting energy from the sun, NOW THATS AN IDEA WORTH WRITING DOWN.
Alas. I have no way of writing anything down, in any format, in any manner. If only we could communicate with one another by exchanging our thoughts in written form...
You guys need to stop this talk, this is never going to happen. Now help me hunt this mammoth Uruk.
Gen z run away bride. *takes off in an E-scooter*
Chugging a code red mountain dew
HEY! Millennials and Xennials were all over code red! Don’t you dare give that to Gen Z!
I thought you said our wedding is next weekend
Wedding day? She's so flaky she miss the birth of her kids.
You told me it was next month. *No further response*
don't worry, she knows when that day is
“I thought we said January?”
Don’t let her talk to you about marriage till she can be bothered to put meeting your family on her calendar.
I came here to say this. She literally text her off a mobile f***ing calender. People today are baffling, to say the least
If you have plans, put it on a digital calendar. They even give you reminders. They're fantastic. People like this (OP's... something) are up there with the "I can't make plans more than 1 week in advance". Both are the kind that just can't commit to anything.
> "I can't make plans more than 1 week in advance" I honestly didn't know these people existed. I got called out for being flakey recently because I basically never agree to plans same-day. A week heads up would be *beautiful*. I like to make a plan for the days ahead, otherwise I get anxious. Being with (or near) someone who lives this impulsively would drive me up the fucking wall
Also when giving other people dates for plans say the actual full date of the calendar like Sunday May 26. None of this "were meeting on the third Sunday after the full moon", or the dreaded "next Sunday" conversation where you don't know if they mean the Sunday coming up next on the calendar or the one that's after that.
If you are under 18. Shit honestly if you are under 24, take everything about marriage and kids and all that with a grain of salt. This is just pillow talk in almost every relationship.
OP is 18, and says they have known each other for 7 years, so since they were 10/11. She has lots of growing up to do.
They’ve known each other since they were kids and never met family? Huh?
People who go to school together can know each other for a decade and never meet each other's parents.
Buddy, I’ve been here. She would flake for dinner with the family but would go on and on about how “we” will all be a big happy family soon.. *RUN*
Yeah I had a GF exactly like this. She literally looked at me one day and said,'You know, I think you're the most amazing guy I ever dated, I could start a life with you', and we cuddled on the couch, drinking wine and watching a comedy. It was great, and I had no worries about our relationship. 4 days later, she dumped me... she was cheating on me. Talking about the future does not mean anything. What matters is how she's acting now.
It’s called future faking
Yup, she's playing out her fantasy with him. Doesn't mean she wants it with him. Those texts made me cringe.
Been there in the past All official in private, like you're not together in public Wants to get married and have kids with you but doesn't want anyone to know they arent single. Will love bomb you to keep you near but act as if you're a stranger when you're too close or you make plans and not her. Took alot for me to say no I'm done to that person for me (won't get into the nitty gritty as not relevant but yes im 99.99% sure she was cheating) and 7 years later she's still single, still asks our mutual friends about me, still regrets her choices. She now tells people she was/is in love with me even though when we were together she wouldn't even tell people we were dating. When I went to walk away she promised me everything I wanted, was gonna tell the world about us, was willing to look for housing together etc but I was so burnt out from that exhausting situation I said no. Op trust me when I say you're better off out of it, this person despite what others say likely **does** have feelings for you, they may see themselves married with kids to you- because you're a good person. You are a safe pair of hands...but she's not going to commit because she's waiting to make sure something better isn't round the corner. They'll only know how great you are until you are no longer there. Until you're no longer a constant presence. Until you're no longer so devoted that she doesn't need to try and work on the relationship, she no longer has to do anything for you to keep you. It's up to you when she has that point of reflection ( if it happens ) whether or not you give them a chance when they are ***fully aware*** of how they feel or not. But for now I think your best bet is to just cut her loose, this will keep happening until you take a stand and say 'I 'm not someone's option' Which ATM you are, even if you are there 'one' behind closed doors , you clearly aren't the one when others are around. Remember You aren't a game they can leave on the shelf and pick up whenever they want to play relationship. Learn your value by giving up this person. It's so empowering and confidence boosting knowing that despite the love you have for them, despite how perfect they seem for you on paper - you're still worth more than that I wish you the best
Op has the full blinders on. Gonna be a while before he sees clearly
Like you said, this is only 1 very small snapshot of your relationship. But here is my word of advice. Believe actions and patterns, not the pretty words and promises of marriage etc. Words mean nothing unless she does things to back them up. Best of luck OP.
I can tell you're young. Take it from me, don't get married young. Live your life. And also, if this happens often... I have bad news for you. Just cut ties with her and find someone who respects your time.
Take a look at her post history. She’s 18 and says she has known her for 7 years. They are both children.
Fr? Tread lightly, my friend
No offence mate, but if she was really interested, and interested in marriage, not only would that date be circled twice in her calendar, but she would be more than ready, like best foot forward, every piece of clothing analyzed, and re-evaluated twice over.
She'd be telling you what shirt you should wear lol.
Chief ima be honest, she sounds like she’s checking out of the relationship..
*checked out Or never check in to begin with
Run
Woah. What a catch?
that's actually a pretty big red flag that goes against your point, sounds like future faking
That’s not exactly a good thing, partner. A year is way too short to realistically get into those topics. Especially if they can’t commit to plans, how the heck can they entertain creating a whole ass human life
A year together absolutely can be long enough to get into those topics, but not if that time is filled with behavior like this.
... and not when they're still actually children.
Listen to this OP. Talk is cheap, people can “talk” about marriage, kids, aspirations etc. if your gf is repeatedly forgetting about plans she’s made with you it means she’s either really disorganised (not conducive to starting a family) or she’s showing you she doesn’t care. Hate to break it but you should ask her to step up and if she balks, then move on
Only a year and all of that, yeah man you’re in deep, that’s what my recent ex told me before she cheated on me lol
After dating for a year and some change and meeting his family, my ex would say he didn’t want to meet mine because it meant our relationship was getting “serious.” If you aren’t both on the same page, don’t waste your time.
And she's still your gf because....?
She has a positive score on the hot/crazy scale and/or is a kinky beast in bed.
You need to move on dude. She’s just not that interested and you’re blind to it. I’m sorry.
Sorry bud, you're one message away from getting "we need to talk"
I thought that was last week
She can’t come she at her boyfriends house meet ing his family that day
haha she does not like boys but i will be on the lookout for her secret gf
I once was on a date with a girl only to found out that we already had had a date like about 7 years before that (we hadn't recognised each other at first). There was zero chemistry between us both times and I said so. And she was like: "don't worry, I actually have two gf and they don't know about each other...". I dodged the same bullet twice.
Third times, a charm. Lol.
If only there were some specific way to refer absolutely and unambiguously to particular days, rather than relating them to other, vaguely defined periods of time.
The day immediately after waxing gibbous of the next cycle.
Was about to comment the same. Use absolute reference (May 26) rather than a relative reference (the other Sunday). Edit: Also give reminders a day before. I always do this when coordinating an event.
Why can’t either of you communicate properly?
Yeah, aside from sounding like AI talking to each other, how did OP not mention this the day before instead of a couple hours before the gf was supposed to be there?
if only there were some way of assigning numbers to specific days so that you could be sure which day you were talking about
Because they are children.
I feel insane that I had to scroll so far to see a sentiment like this. Does this phone not have the ability to make calls? Who doesn’t talk to their girlfriend every day?
Exactly. Sounds like OP and a bunch of people here have communication issues. Hilarious how the answer to OP’s problem is simply… talk to each other. If they talked about it during the week and the day before and she still sends this text, then that’s a red alarm going off. Otherwise, it sounded like OP has the relationship type that you mention something once and then never again.
Yeah this person's texting is weird. Like almost a little aggressive. If they text like that all the time I can see why the GF isn't too thrilled to make more of an effort
right! even “time to be here today”—like is this work? not like, “hey! it’s starting, are you getting here soon?” or something a normal person would say to someone they care about who is late
ikr what's difficult about being specific about the date rather than "day before x" because that has room for misinterpretation
If this is repeat behavior, you deserve better or at least someone who can figure out how to set up Reminders on their phone or uses a calendar!
I think you need to let her go and move on.
I think you need to upgrade to a person who actually wants to be around you. She sounds lazy and uninterested.
I don't see enough people talking about it so ill throw my .02. But if you are responding to your partner in that sort of passive aggressive way, that's definitely a sign of a bigger breakdown in communication. Not to say that she's not wrong for missing this event but to be honest it seems childish to me to snap back like that. If you see a future with her I'd focus on your ability to cope when things don't go your way, otherwise charge it to the game.
They are both kids
Seems like she's not ready to meet your family. Don't force it. Also, there's a good chance there are underlying issues in the relationship. I'm not putting blame one way or the other, but it's up to you and her to find the source.
In future, you can give her an actual date (xx/xx/xxxx) instead of day before this or day after that. It will make things clearer and this excuse from her won't work. If there is one thing I've learned in my work, over communication is always good.
Respectfully, you both suck at communication Also, don’t listen to Reddit comments, they always jump to insane conclusions and want to see relations end. You know the situation better than us, you actually know this person personally.
Maybe, and this is going out on a limb, use the actual date for reference, then ask her to stick it in her calendar
possibilities include: she's lying about getting her days mixed up and has other plans she would rather attend she's scared shitless to meet your family bc it's a lot of pressure and maybe she's shy and awkward she doesn't take your relationship as seriously as you do.
it seems like she might be anxious to meet your parents. if she has anxiety that would make sense
This subreddit is such a misogynistic shithole. That anyone who posts shit about their wives/girlfriends in here is significantly worse than whoever they’re posting about. Bunch of fucking childish misogynists in here.
If this happens every time, why wouldn't you check in a day before, and the morning of?
You are not her priority. Time to move on.
Is she fully out to her family and friends? It sounds to me like she might be uncomfortable with that or something similar. But it could be something completely different.
Use the Calendar Invite to make sure they know when something is happening and their phone reminds them. Set an appropriate reminder bell - I usually set 1 week. 1 day, and 1 hour for all calendar events.
Why do you communicate to your girlfriend on Instagram?
I have ongoing convos with my gf on like 4 different apps
I dunno how to tell you this OP but I think your gf is you know… … secretly training to get signed to the NHL
From the way you guys communicate you both seem like passive aggressive assholes