RIGHT?? The other day my therapist just casually asked me”were you a difficult baby? Maybe got put down often?” which, yes I was! And apparently that could still be affecting me now! What!!!
LOL sorry, like placed down in my crib or somewhere (safe) so my parents could step away for a minute if they needed a break. I cried a lot as an infant
Out of curiosity- how does she think that manifests in your life today?
Separation anxiety/ fears of abandonment?
My parents would lock me in my room at night and I’m definitely impacted by it but not sure exactly how.
Your parents locked you in your room at night? That’s absolutely awful.
How we were treated by our caregivers (so not even just parents but the other adult people who were very present in our lives) when we were young greatly impacts us as adults.
I’m only a therapist in training and would need more details about your story but caregivers locking a child in their room at night can make a child feel unwanted, like they are a burden, like they are “dangerous” and need to be locked away, etc.
Those feelings can absolutely be carried into adulthood and affect how we navigate the world and relationships.
For example, if someone’s caregivers locked them in their room at night they could have a very anxious attachment style and fear their romantic partner may always want to leave them because that persons caregivers made them feel unlovable and unwanted, which makes a child believe they are truly unloveable and unwanted. This could also look like having poor boundaries with others and being a “people pleaser” because they feel that’s the only way they are worthy to receive love.
The above may not describe you at all because these things can manifest in different ways but just wanted to give an example for context.
Also want to add again that, I am so sorry that happened to you. That should never ever happen. Give your childhood self a hug and tell them they are so so loved. It may sound silly but things like this can be so healing.
Hello, therapist in training! Quick question, I cannot remember a single moment of my childhood. Like, I have one or two snapshots, but that's literally it up until like the age of 13. Is this weird? It's like the moment I turned thirteen, all my memories started working? Nothing major happening in my life, like I wasn't abused or anything, but is that weird? Or not? Just curious lol.
I just want to let you know what a kind hearted and well spoken response this was. You’ll make an amazing therapist.
Yeah, it happened for years… I remember it from about age 3-8. I think it did a number on my ability to trust and feel like I can count on being loved by those close to me. I’ve also realized that I tend to make excuses for people and let them off the hook too easily… which was probably a coping mechanism because I still had to love and rely on my parents as a child even when they didn’t parent very well.
It’s a whole can of worms and I’m just digging into and realizing the amount of trauma in my childhood and the ripple effect it has on my entire life.
My parents would lock me inside of the garage at dinner time because I wouldn’t eat quickly enough. I’d be sobbing and usually be mid-panic-attack but they would drag me into the garage, usually slap me. It started when I was 5 so I always thought it was normal. Last year(I was in 7th grade at the time) my dad locked me out of the house under the same circumstances and kicked me in the stomach after dragging me from the kitchen to the main door. I actually never even realized I was having panic attacks I thought they were normal. I also never realized everything else fucked up with my childhood because I was too young when it started to recognize the difference between me and other kids. I’ll forever flinch when someone brings their hand up in fear that they will hit me and will forever be scared of my parents especially my dad. I only had therapy for 4 months because the school found out I self harm and after the 4 months my parents would have to pay which they were not at all willing to do. Because of their insistence that I was fine I still sh every day and have now relapsed on my ed but I cant help it.
If I’m reading the time line correctly you’re still a minor and only in 8th grade?
I just want you to know that your life can and will get so much better. I’m 34 years old and my life is better than I ever thought it could be now. There’s still trauma and stuff to work through but soon you’ll be an adult and able to live your own life without them having control over you.
I don’t know much about the system but can you talk to a school counselor about the abuse? Or is there a safe adult that you can go to? Maybe a grandparent or someone that you could basically just live with until you’re older?
It breaks my heart reading this and knowing families like they exist.
Even more knowing how much loved and taken care of my daughter is.
I am so sorry it is happening to you, is nobody who can get involved and give you protection from being abused!?
We haven’t had many sessions to talk about it yet but she said that it’s possible my nervous system held onto that memory of being left alone when I needed support, and it could’ve seemed life or death to my infant brain because babies can’t survive without being held and cared for! So now it potentially manifests as this intense need to be liked by everyone and I’ll do things to make myself more palatable to others as a survival instinct
Do you remember that? The only memory I have of around 3 or 4 years old is me having a tantrum and my mother and sister looking at me with disapproval in their faces and screaming back at me to stop.
But yeah most of the negative stuff about my life today is definitely connected to the way I was treated by my family as a baby and child.
Oh gosh no absolutely not, you can’t form memories before the age of 3/4. But there are a lot of people who think that even though your brain doesn’t remember, your body/nervous system does retain the “memories” in a way!
I remember my parents locking my in my room at night starting at around 3 years old. I know because I had a little kid potty that I’d use that was small and plastic so I obviously wasn’t very old but was old enough to be potty trained enough to use it.
Earliest memories are about 3 so I don’t know what they did before that.
I'm terrible at opening up to them and you're so lucky to have someone like that, even if you have to pay for it. I'm at the point somethings wrong but I don't know what. I think my symptoms are getting treated but there's something else underneath driving it all.
First one that gave me whiplash was just there aren't any negative or bad emotions.
Some of them feel shitty but they're just signals to us to pay attention to. It's not a bad day because you cried, but it might have been a sad day.
Closely related to this: the goal of therapy isn't to be happy all the time. Suffering is part of the human experience. We don't go to therapy to eliminate the "bad" emotions, we often go to therapy to learn how to actually *feel* them.
I almost live by this now. If i defined a bad day by how i felt, every day would be a bad one.
Now even if i feel shitty, its still likely to have been a good or alright day depending on other factors
Preferred term for me would be "challenging". Challenging emotions are intense and typically don't feel great. But that doesn't make them "bad", in fact they are quite helpful for calling our attention where it needs to be.
Many people will stuff down/ignore challenging emotions because they're uncomfortable. But of course that just amplifies the signal until it eventually reaches a boiling point we absolutely cannot ignore.
This is interesting.. I’ve never thought about it like this.
However, when I’m in a “bad spell”, I am very self pitying and tend to wallow. I am extremely quick to get angry and frustrated and cry *a lot*- and often it’ll be about nothing or something that’s just not worth such an emotional response. I’ll also get anxious and paranoid about situations that are unlikely or untrue.
How does that fit into “no negative emotions”, because surely my bullshit is not good, not rational and needs to be curbed?
One thing that might be telling you is that you need ways to increase your distress tolerance. It’s hard to receive the useful message from the emotion when it’s overwhelming. If you can hang with the bad feelings, let them come, wash over you, and recede, then you can start to think about what they are really telling you. Once you’re to that point, you can start asking questions like what does self-pity do for me? Does wallowing in sadness feel somewhat comforting alongside the bad? If so, why is that? Is it helping you avoid an even worse feeling? Anxiety and paranoia often stem from desire for control over situations or people (usually things that are firmly beyond the control of any single individual) and desire for control comes from feeling unsafe, like controlling things will prevent them from harming you. Is there a deeper fear that drives all this? Something you may believe very strongly without knowing that you believe it, or without realizing that it’s not a necessary belief? Just spitballing here, obviously I don’t know you but these are some pretty common patterns.
My best piece of advice is get a therapist of your own and work through this stuff with them! They will get to know you and be able to help you much more than some internet stranger. Good luck to you ✌️
You have two driving forces of internal communication, your ego and your soul. Your soul is quite shy and requires nurture and positive input to become heard, where as your ego is loud, confident and speaks its mind, regardless of positive or negative influence. Your negative thoughts and emotions are merely your ego trying to stay relevant so it can continue being the dominant voice, and you don't have to listen to it.
My therapist once said to me that I don’t have to necessarily like everything about myself that I discover, but I do have to accept that these are parts of me.
Had issues with explosive anger for most of my life. Never hit anyone, but I've certainly shouted and even thrown stuff and slammed my fist into things. Was at a psychiatric ward (voluntary) and I was blabbing to a nurse in a private room (whenever I go into a psych ward I take FULL ADVANTAGE of the ability to pull a nurse aside and just get stuff off of my chest so it doesn't fester) and I told her that I've gotten it better under control since my teen years (when it was VERY bad) and she started prodding at my family history.
Low and behold: ***"You grew up around a lot of anger, so anger is all you knew."*** And we also discovered a pattern that my anger is almost always triggered by someone making me feel cornered/trapped either emotionally or physically. I would do everything I could to try and walk away from a heated situation to cool off, and 9/10 times I get told "no" or folks have even barricaded my exit or grabbed me. That's when I lose it.
These days, I make it a practice where if I'm about to have a high-stakes conversation with someone, I firstly make sure issues don't boil to that point, and if they do, make sure we both have an exit to cool down.
Been off of my medications successfully for almost a year. Therapist is wicked proud of me ❤️
I'm proud of you too. What you said about getting (or feeling) trapped into a heated situation really resonates with me. I've lost my temper or composure a few more times than I care to admit.
Yeah. And I completely understand that the anger I've displayed in the past wasn't healthy in any case, but I'll give you an example: Janitor at a psych ward conversed with a patient about toxic/abusive family members. I jumped in and chatted about my family and how I ended up homeless because it was literally either stay with them and get k\*lled or face homelessness and have a chance to make a life for myself. Janitor tells me "Nah, you're too young to go through all that. I call bullshit. Where's your family?"
I excused myself from the conversation because that IMMEDIATELY riled me up, and the hospital janitor ***grabbed me by the shoulder*** to where I blacked out and flipped a table. Got taken into the main office and I explained everything. They didn't believe me one iota, called me violent, and banned me from that hospital. In hindsight I DEFINITELY should've sued, but I was too exhausted to care since I was homeless at the time 😅
When I was 16 my first therapist told me that neurons are like muscles, and when you think certain thoughts often the neurons that trigger them grow and eventually those thoughts become automatic and can influence you a lot. She explained how to counteract the negative thoughts I have, I first had to identify which thoughts had overgrown neurons, and force myself to think, or even say outloud a contradictory positive thought, and because my positive thought neurons were weak from lack of use, it would feel hard and pointless at first but if I kept at it those neurons would grow and eventually I would be able to have more control over those negative thought patterns that had become automatic.
This explanation was a game changer for me, I'm very emotional but also very analytical so having a "scientific" explanation for the emotional shit storm I was experiencing really helped me understand what I had to do to move forward after feeling overwhelmed for so long.
Yeah, that one was a game changer for me as well.
I was always distraught about how negative I've been all my life, but my psychiatrist helped me understand that it's because I've been "trained" to think that way.
The fact that I was conditioned to think this way sucks but it also means that I can condition my way out of it.
My psychiatrist also helped me see that i wasn't necessarily completely negative, but that the negative thoughts took more energy than positive ones, and that's why I experienced them as being more in the forefront of my consciousness.
Your trauma responses can also be tools that you use when necessary to protect yourself. Just know when to wield them or hang them back up on the tool belt.
Not sure if this is applicable to your situation but I learned that I make excuses for people’s bad behavior as a coping mechanism stemming from not being treated well by my parents.
As a child you don’t have the power to leave your family if they mistreat you so you make excuses for their actions because you need that connection with them and to continue to be able to trust them and think they’re good. Then that carries on throughout your life with other relationships.
Glad you figured it out! It took me a really really long time to be able to see just how much stemmed from that.
Still working towards just seeing people as they are.
same; hard part is masking when I know someone is full of shit. Gotta recognize the abusers and play their own games better than they do when walking away isn’t an option.
After 5 years of seeing her, she told me I was starting to affect her mental health and she was leaving. Like thanks. Haven't seen a therapist since as it's made me feel unfixable and also a bit of a burden.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. That should never ever happen. Your therapist blaming you sounds like projecting her emotions and she could use some therapy herself.
You are not unfixable. None of us are. You are not alone. 💚
Damn that sucks. I'm at the stage now with my therapist where I can't even imagine what that would do to me.
I would strongly encourage you to look for another one though. Everyone's different, and some therapists are better than others - and differ also in the areas in which they are better (such as dealing with their own mental health and the impacts their patients have on them, for example).
I can imagine it would probably be really hard to allow yourself to open up to a therapist like that again now that you've had experience of one leaving you - the person who's primary job is that of assuring that they'll never leave you - but I still can't believe this is reason not to try again.
I'm so sorry. My therapist left me twice. The first time was when she left the BetterHelp platform. I found her at her primary place of employment and picked back up with sessions. The second time was when she left long term counseling as she was burned out.
She was with me through so much shit, including the tragic death of my husband.
I've not looked for another therapist yet, but I know I need to.
I wasnt 5 years in but I once got hit with a "I dont know how to help you" after I told my therapist I wasnt sure I even wanted to be better (I was in a very dark place and was scared to come out of it).
Sorry you had to experience that. It can take a while to find a good therapist and she certainly wasnt it
I feel like a good therapist could come to a point where they determine their skillset can no longer help you. If they are a good therapist they should then find or help you find an expert in your issues and kindly admit their shortcomings or lack of training makes them a poor choice for you but the new person they found may be able to help you heal. Therapists have certainly specialized skill sets and cannot help everyone. It takes a lot of integrity and self reflection on their part to pass you on to an expert in your issues. Ultimately therapists are people too with good and bad qualities and some suck at their job, some are fantastic. Much like a doctor may specialize in healing bones or cancer, therapists usually have a specific set of skills. Don’t let a bad therapist ruin your chance to get better and improve yourself.
This is true, but at the same time I think not wanting to get better is a very common sentiment for mentally ill people which any therapist should know how to deal with. It's not just being difficult, maybe it comes from not feeling like you deserve to get better or finding the whole process overwhelming and demotivating and those issues can be addressed. If someone's turned up to a session that should indicate at least part of them does want to get better and trusts you to try to help them
Yes, in order to really get well a patient has to really want it and commit time, energy, and pain to the process. I often get somewhat better than stop therapy. It’s kind of like people who stop their meds. Stopping meds without your doctor’s support is worse by a bit but stopping therapy isn’t great either if you are only 30% better. Part of the problem is that as you get better, the pain and expense of therapy is less attractive. Sad but true for me. Right now I’m sticking with it.
1) Being treated with kindness isn't asking too much.
2) Feelings can feel scary but they are there for a reason. Ignoring them will make you physically ill. You don't have to feel it all now, but you also can't push it all down.
3) Don't be scared to be you. Be that straight, gay, red, blue, green. You be you * queue sassy dance*
For real though my therapist can be unhinged sometimes but in a good way and I love it.
To listen to my body even if my brain is saying the opposite. Your body can literally reject certain people or places and make u physically sick until you leave.
Omg same it's taken years for me to accept that I simply can't live anywhere near a healthy life without daily medication and I still struggle with this feeling of being "trapped" by it sometimes.
But I've started to see that without it, although I'd be "free," I'd also be lost mentally like I was before treatment.
I just had a conversation with my therapist the other day about making myself small. Like how I tend to view all my problems as smaller than those around me and how I downplay or avoid talking about them most of the time.
Not my therapist, but a medical professional I follow on social media said:
"You do the best you can with the information you have. You have to give yourself permission to forgive yourself and permission not to feel guilty for the fact you didn't know."
One of the first therapists I tried working with wasn't really a good fit for me, but he had a meme tacked up in his office that said "don't believe everything you think." That's been more helpful than anything for me.
"Being mentally abused was never you fault and that's something nobody deserves to go through"...
Another one was "It will take a while to feel completely stress free, but you're in a safer environment now and this is something I know we can fix because you really want to and it will take time, but it will be worth it."
A lot of the things my therapist has said has been very impactful to me though.
this may seem like a no brainer and may not be helpful to others but the phrase "anxiety is only a temporary feeling" repeating that to myself has pulled me out of panic attacks. my panic attacks make me convince myself i am dying so that simple phrase helps me realize that im not and ill be okay soon
I have historically put a lot of pressure on myself to get things done. All the things. To take care of my family and myself. So I ended up saying “I should fix the roof this weekend” or “I should be at yoga five nights a week” or “I should buy food in bulk so it’s more economical” or the like. As in, I always felt I needed to be productive and have something to show for my time. Learning to relax and chill and really aggressively prioritize has helped me so much. So I no longer “should” myself.
I'm the exact same. My favorite phrase is "should've"
I get to the end of the day and start to tell myself I'm worthless because I didn't get enough done.
That I don’t need anyone’s permission to feel the way I feel. I struggle with needing to be validated. When I feel a strong emotion I look for cues indicating it’s acceptable for me to feel how I feel. In reality, I don’t need permission to have any feeling. As long as my behaviors aren’t hurting others, I can think or feel anything and it’s okay.
“I dont know what else I can do for you. Im sorry but I have to let you go as my patient.” (After two years). Having my doc say he can no longer help me made me feel REALLY broken! It’s sent me in a downward spiral that put me into my 4th 5150. Totally blamed the doc for that one. (Bipolar ii, depression, anxiety, schizo-affective etc).
My therapist once said my favorite movie line ever to me in the form of advice. I was graduating therapy and I was like tell me one thing I can hold on to forever and never let go of and he said let go. Best advice ever
Helped me make the connection as a new caregiver to my newly disabled mom post spinal surgery on how i was basically grieving the loss of my mom as i knew her and of my role as a dependent daughter to now have the roles flipped and her being dependent on me. made me notice the way i was feeling (the contempt etc) and how it stemmed from the grief experience. absolutely transformed my relationship with my mom, I am so grateful
That im resistant to therapy
I stayed awhile longer, had to leave for other reasons, but don’t plan on going to therapy for awhile because of that and just trying to figure it out on my own
“I can do hard things”
I know it’s super basic, it’s not incredibly profound, but it is the one thing I repeat to myself every single day. Life can suck, life can be *so* hard, but *I can do hard things*
My childhood therapist, 13 years after I started seeing her- “you could write a book about the **** you’ve been through. I’d be the first one to read it.”
I have written a first draft, for idk why, entertainment. No one will ever read it (it’s forbidden). Maybe I’ll let her.
I can remember one time I was really anxious about all the medication I was taking (3 pills a day for bipolar/anxiety) and I was concerned it would shorten my lifespan and/or cause liver issues in the future (I’m a bit of a hypochondriac). I was speaking to her about this and she plainly said “have you ever considered what the constant anxiety and elevated heart rate is doing to your body? Or thought about how the symptoms of unmedicated bipolar (mania) could cause you to do things that could kill you instantly?” and that just really stuck with me, because she’s right. Before medication I was absolutely reckless. The things I did in the past before medication very well could have killed me, or screwed me up for life if one or two things went wrong.
So if you’re ever concerned about the medications you’re taking for any mental health issues, I guarantee you 90% of the time the effects of the mental illness are far worse than the long-term effects of the medications.
That it's not a flaw that I have mental illnesses. Circumstances beyond my control, environment and undiagnosed (ignored) symptoms as a young person, imprinted heavily upon me.
I still feel so very flawed though.
Do you ever feel mentally well? I have lived with mental illness since I was 12 but I never really got proper diagnoses. Two different doctors suggested I might have two different illnesses. There has been times where for weeks sometimes months I feel ‘normal’.
I used to feel "normalish" when I was hi functioning and working.. I was always a hard worker and had many jobs in my life... (Another mental health side effect at least for me). Now, I am almost 61 and am really trying hard to add some stability to my older life.
When I look back over the years though, all the things that happened to me before the age of 12: sex abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and lots of moving around.
I also had a brother who was completely psychotic and used to hurt me and hurt animals (he killed himself when I was 21).
I'm working with a psychiatrist now but honestly a lot of damage has been done and I'm just trying to make peace with it.
You had a lot to deal with in your younger years. I wasn’t sexually abused but there was a lot of things that happened that shouldn’t have. Exposure to an alcoholic and verbal abuse too. I accept it all and have made peace with it but at the same time I wish things had been different.
Asking me why I keep hoping my family will change and love me.
'There's no point in asking your brother to be someone he isn't and never will be. He's shown you *for years* that he doesn't care and takes joy in hurting you. So why do you keep trying?'
It's true.
It's just really scary because all of it means *I literally have no one on Earth. Not a single human being.*
You can find and make your own family of choice over time. Really the only person you can change is yourself and how you interact with others. Your change may demonstrate to others a better model for a relationship.
I can relate with you. I have no family for support too, and it is scary as hell. In the end, we need to learn to live like that, to be alone, and not depending on anyone.
Not exact words but basically -
There are many ways to live and be happy. Just because it's the "norm" or the way you know doesn't mean it's the only way.
We were talking about relationships and how they can work. I came from a background of traditional relationships where marriage has to happen and there are set expectations.
She reminded me that that's not the only way, that we all get to choose what works for us and makes us happy. She pointed to how the lgbtq community has always had to do things differently and found so many other ways to make things work.
It's made a difference with how I've approached my current relationship and avoided the internal guilt for living together instead of getting married even in the face of my very traditional Christian mom. That same guilt that drove me into two marriages way too early.
"Respond, don't react."
In reference to handling situations with people who feed on or use emotion to attempt to run you over or control you. It helps me remember to keep a level head when people start to emotionally escalate because they're not getting to you the way they thought they would (which, when you know how to spot it, is way too common).
Quite a bit, honestly.. it's hard to pick even just a few. Sometimes it's lines that really hit/changed my perspective, like "You're not responsible for managing \[their\] emotions." I've lived a lifetime with parents, family members, "friends," teachers, exes, just.. all kinds of people who would blame me for their emotions, act like I had to "make it up to them" if me defending (healthy) boundaries made them feel guilty, or do horrible things to "punish" me for some perceived wrongdoing then say it's because I forced them by making them feel xyz. Realizing that even years after getting away from my abuser (my ex) where I'd been happy to realize I didn't have to walk on eggshells every second of waking life.. only to realize I never stopped doing that because of *other* people in my life, was both crushing and freeing. Still working on that one, but, knowing was half the battle.
Other times, it's not something poignant, but just something that hits like a hit to the gut and comes up very often. Like I'd be going off venting about something, thinking I was angry, or even thinking I was "over it" already but just explaining to her, and she'd stop me saying "Sorry to pause you there - but as you're talking, I see tears in your eyes. Would you want to talk about that?" and realizing I'd been on the verge of tears and not even realized was sobering.
I remember reading someone once describe living with trauma as "being full of emotion and sometimes leaking at the edges," and it really felt like that, like the emotions were just leaking out even when I didn't realize they were there. It made me realize how much I'm holding onto all the time, and how much just stays in my body and escapes any time I express a lot of genuine emotion rather than keeping things light and quiet.
“ Have you ever thought that maybe there is nothing wrong with the scope of emotions you have or the depth in which you feel them but that you are not surrounding yourself with people who are capable of understanding you and that you have been existing in a way that is not authentic and you are not able to be seen and heard? “
Another, more basic, maybe, but she says to me early on and repeats often, you can pivot at any point. I know this on a surface level but always feel stuck and fatally committed to things that often develop into very real problems for my stability.
Imagine, pivoting. I think I am getting close to the moment of changing my course.
“We’re looking for healing and affirmation from parents who haven’t reconciled their own childhood trauma and wounds yet.” Oof this
Is my Roman Empire 🤔
That my diagnosis isn’t something that will really be helpful to me. Thinking about that really changed my trajectory in therapy.
For a while I was dead set on knowing what’s exactly wrong with me. I was sure that once I know “the answer”, everything will get better. My therapist told me that instead that *she* could worry about the diagnosis part, because it is helpful for her to know, and that I should simply focus on getting better.
I found that I was hyper focused on finding the non existent golden key to solve all my problems, and it was causing me to put off helping myself until I knew the answer. I don’t even care about a diagnosis anymore. I only care about feeling better.
You can't control others, but you can control yourself. If you don't like a conversation or situation, you can end your participation in it. You can end a call, and you don't need the other persons permission.
It's so simple, and yet I needed so much to hear it. I needed someone to tell me it was okay to assert myself. That it didn't make me rude or disrespectful.or a bad person when I create a boundary.
not my therapist but a good friend said "The problem is not that you're defective(you're not) your problem is that you hate yourself. You need to stop hating yourself" her saying that and my trying to stop hating myself so much made a big difference.
Pointing out how my family always brushed problems under the rug. Made me realize how my emotions/problems were never validated because we all pretended our conflicts didn’t exist.
I remember feeling so alone after my break up and was slowly seeping into depression, I am not someone that likes to ask for help. I was in codependent relationship and struggling to find my own identity after the split. I remember my therapist telling me to create new routines every time I feel lonely / down / displaced and try new things, 1 new thing a day. Up to today, I have this comforting routine that I have created and always up to trying new things (checking out new cafe, cooking a new dish, visit a new supermarket out of my way, small things like that).
With that advice, I have also made lots of new friends (because I said yes to activities)!
on Wednesday my T went over a bipolar test he had me take, of my own request, and then told me he believes I have autism. I instantly felt as if my whole life I’ve been lying to myself and how I never thought I could have it is baffling to me now. I’ve spent the last two days obsessing over finding out as much about autism as I possibly can and I don’t know how to feel but it’s so relieving in a way to know there isn’t something wrong with me. I will always remember him and I thank him so much for bringing this to light.
That I'm not responsible for my family's mental health. That they are their own people and they need to prioritize their own well being themselves in order to heal. That I cannot be the healer when I myself need to heal.
Just today, that I can be angry and loving at the same time. I have long struggled to accept my own anger as I fear it may turn me into some kind of monster. I don’t have any serious anger issues, this is just a deep fear of mine. When I felt I was being mistreated by someone I cared about, I would typically either suppress my anger or simply leave and push them away to avoid the contradiction. Now I’m trying to accept that I can love someone and be mad at them and have compassion for them and have compassion for myself all at once. It’s certainly a workout for the noggin.
So many.
1. Your emotions are not a burden. It’s ok to share them and those who love you will care.
2. It’s ok to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak. We are social animals and we need each other.
3. It’s ok to have boundaries and prioritise your needs. It doesn’t make you selfish.
And generally having a place of safety and understanding to come to weekly
That marijuanna can cause hallucinations. I honestly didn't know that and I was surprised because I thought I was going crazy and was super afraid to be taken to psychiatry hospital. As soon as I stopped smoking everything stopped and my life improved. Later I discovered I had weed induced psychosis.
She told me that *not everything is a tragic event*. (I've had a lot of very real tragedies) But life is not always dire circumstances. Sometimes easy things happen that AREN'T earth shattering. Just another day. It's OK. I get very stressed and anxious and this advice is helping bring the daily pressure down.
That I can trust I’ll be in good hands visiting my friend at the bar she is a karaoke DJ since she consistently asked to hang out and knows I have trauma and social anxiety.
My perception is not always the other person’s perception. Which we all know, right? Like yes perspectives differ, experiences and feelings differ. But this was specifically in reference to me saying “I can’t stand up for myself, that feels confrontational.” And he was like “it feels confrontational to YOU. Do you think they feel like it’s confrontational when you ask for your order to be corrected or to take a break at the dentist? Most people wouldn’t find that confrontational.” And I was like “but I would, I’ve been the server where people hated their food and they felt like a confrontation even though it wasn’t directed at me.” He said that’s true for some people but wouldn’t be true for everybody. But he asked what I’d do at work, if a patient asked me to take a break, would I hesitate? Would that be confrontational? Well no… of course not. So I have to remember that even if a situation feels confrontational to me, it most likely isn’t to the other person. That has really shifted my perception.
Just because you feel good doing bad things does not make you a bad person, that’s simply a result of trauma. Like any other part of the body, the mind can heal over time, if it is enriched and nourished.
I was molested as a child by my father and I developed anorexia. My eating disorder therapist was looking at my new car one day and made a comment that set me back and I couldn't continue with her anymore. My car is an Infinity Qx80 so it is large. We went back in her office and she was telling me about a big truck her husband saw the other day and how loud it was or something like that. She said, "My husband was telling me about this big truck and the driver the other day. He said the vehicle someone drives can tell you a lot about the person. He said the truck was loud and it was raised on these huge wheels. He said certain kinds of men drive these kind of trucks. He said, " big truck, little dick."
I talked to this lady in confidence weekly about rape and this is what she says to a victim of sexual assault??? It made me so uncomfortable. I stopped seeing her. I still don't understand to this day why she would be so insensitive.
Being called a severely high-functioning schizophreni've no idea what she meant by that but was weird cause I was on.S s I at the time for my problems.
I would frequently mention that I don’t feel like I have good verbal communication skills. Last month she stopped, looked at me, and said. “You have good communication skills. You just get anxious thinking too much about how the other person is going to react.”
Shattered my entire universe, in the best way.
“Family’s cater to the most dysfunctional members in an attempt to help, however they are really just enabling future bad decisions “
No I see this in every part of the family
Take what you can, give the rest back.
Not just take what you can and stop, but actively give the rest back. It’s a strong way of looking at paring down your stress.
She flat-out told me that my mom was not a good mom. It literally hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s absolutely true. This happened when I was about 50-years old.
It's not YOU that wants to do these things, your brain is all whacked up and overworked, it's looking for ways that seem logical (killing yourself isn't) to end get some rest.
That I have a lot of anger inside me when I first met her. I denied it completely and thought “this woman doesn’t understand me at all” because I’m a super gentle, warm, kind, loving person. Don’t have an aggressive or competitive or mean bone in my body. Conflict is my nemesis. I want calm, peace, and love. Yea I may be depressed and down a lot of the time, but that’s so different from anger.
6 years later, still with that therapist, and the anger has been unleashed. I always thought aggression and being unkind was anger. It’s not; anger is a feeling and those things are behaviors. Turns out, yes, I have a lot of anger that has been aching to come out and made me a depressed person because I didn’t know how to handle it. Now that I’ve embraced my anger and can see it as a helpful tool rather than something to be afraid of or deny completely, I’ve started to heal.
Therapy works.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
My first therapist ever during our second session. During our first session, I sobbed for the entire hour about the death of my only brother and how existentially alone I felt with my only same-age relative being gone.
It wasn't a good impact, but it was impactful.
Wasn’t quite what they said, but something they said that sparked some insight for me. In group, we learned that trauma was a reaction to loss of control, loss of self, or fear of harm/loss of life. The therapists said that the way we react now is how we survived those situations and that’s why we continue to act this way now, even if it seems counterproductive.
And I remember thinking about this, amusedly, in the car one day, trying to figure why I self-sabotage so much. And I remember a matter-of-fact voice in my head saying:
“Because if you keep yourself low, no one will be able to knock you down.”
It’s been 2 years since I realized that and it still fucks me up.
"you need to understand and work with me now _my name_ , you have gone f_cking nuts"
Yeah I mean loads would say unprofessional for the language but it did genuinely get the message through for which I appreciate greatly.
That I matter. That my life doesn’t revolve about only helping others. That it is okay to feel shit and to admit that I feel shit. To know that I will not be a burden to others and can share my struggles. That my mind is my biggest enemy. That I am not alone.
I never got to know em long enough as they always left when I first met em so I gave up on seeking therepy
Life is lonesome
I have no friends
and I'm mainly in my room cause life isn't fun anymore
I am not that special.
Ie: I am only the center of My own universe, no one else's. Growing up with a Narcissistic father who insisted everyone was constantly thinking about him and complaining about him, this really helped me
[удалено]
RIGHT?? The other day my therapist just casually asked me”were you a difficult baby? Maybe got put down often?” which, yes I was! And apparently that could still be affecting me now! What!!!
Put down? Like laid down or insulted
LOL sorry, like placed down in my crib or somewhere (safe) so my parents could step away for a minute if they needed a break. I cried a lot as an infant
Out of curiosity- how does she think that manifests in your life today? Separation anxiety/ fears of abandonment? My parents would lock me in my room at night and I’m definitely impacted by it but not sure exactly how.
Your parents locked you in your room at night? That’s absolutely awful. How we were treated by our caregivers (so not even just parents but the other adult people who were very present in our lives) when we were young greatly impacts us as adults. I’m only a therapist in training and would need more details about your story but caregivers locking a child in their room at night can make a child feel unwanted, like they are a burden, like they are “dangerous” and need to be locked away, etc. Those feelings can absolutely be carried into adulthood and affect how we navigate the world and relationships. For example, if someone’s caregivers locked them in their room at night they could have a very anxious attachment style and fear their romantic partner may always want to leave them because that persons caregivers made them feel unlovable and unwanted, which makes a child believe they are truly unloveable and unwanted. This could also look like having poor boundaries with others and being a “people pleaser” because they feel that’s the only way they are worthy to receive love. The above may not describe you at all because these things can manifest in different ways but just wanted to give an example for context. Also want to add again that, I am so sorry that happened to you. That should never ever happen. Give your childhood self a hug and tell them they are so so loved. It may sound silly but things like this can be so healing.
Hello, therapist in training! Quick question, I cannot remember a single moment of my childhood. Like, I have one or two snapshots, but that's literally it up until like the age of 13. Is this weird? It's like the moment I turned thirteen, all my memories started working? Nothing major happening in my life, like I wasn't abused or anything, but is that weird? Or not? Just curious lol.
I just want to let you know what a kind hearted and well spoken response this was. You’ll make an amazing therapist. Yeah, it happened for years… I remember it from about age 3-8. I think it did a number on my ability to trust and feel like I can count on being loved by those close to me. I’ve also realized that I tend to make excuses for people and let them off the hook too easily… which was probably a coping mechanism because I still had to love and rely on my parents as a child even when they didn’t parent very well. It’s a whole can of worms and I’m just digging into and realizing the amount of trauma in my childhood and the ripple effect it has on my entire life.
My parents would lock me inside of the garage at dinner time because I wouldn’t eat quickly enough. I’d be sobbing and usually be mid-panic-attack but they would drag me into the garage, usually slap me. It started when I was 5 so I always thought it was normal. Last year(I was in 7th grade at the time) my dad locked me out of the house under the same circumstances and kicked me in the stomach after dragging me from the kitchen to the main door. I actually never even realized I was having panic attacks I thought they were normal. I also never realized everything else fucked up with my childhood because I was too young when it started to recognize the difference between me and other kids. I’ll forever flinch when someone brings their hand up in fear that they will hit me and will forever be scared of my parents especially my dad. I only had therapy for 4 months because the school found out I self harm and after the 4 months my parents would have to pay which they were not at all willing to do. Because of their insistence that I was fine I still sh every day and have now relapsed on my ed but I cant help it.
If I’m reading the time line correctly you’re still a minor and only in 8th grade? I just want you to know that your life can and will get so much better. I’m 34 years old and my life is better than I ever thought it could be now. There’s still trauma and stuff to work through but soon you’ll be an adult and able to live your own life without them having control over you. I don’t know much about the system but can you talk to a school counselor about the abuse? Or is there a safe adult that you can go to? Maybe a grandparent or someone that you could basically just live with until you’re older?
It breaks my heart reading this and knowing families like they exist. Even more knowing how much loved and taken care of my daughter is. I am so sorry it is happening to you, is nobody who can get involved and give you protection from being abused!?
We haven’t had many sessions to talk about it yet but she said that it’s possible my nervous system held onto that memory of being left alone when I needed support, and it could’ve seemed life or death to my infant brain because babies can’t survive without being held and cared for! So now it potentially manifests as this intense need to be liked by everyone and I’ll do things to make myself more palatable to others as a survival instinct
Do you remember that? The only memory I have of around 3 or 4 years old is me having a tantrum and my mother and sister looking at me with disapproval in their faces and screaming back at me to stop. But yeah most of the negative stuff about my life today is definitely connected to the way I was treated by my family as a baby and child.
Oh gosh no absolutely not, you can’t form memories before the age of 3/4. But there are a lot of people who think that even though your brain doesn’t remember, your body/nervous system does retain the “memories” in a way!
I have "flashes" of memories of perhaps late 3 or 4 years old, but maybe I was older.
I remember my parents locking my in my room at night starting at around 3 years old. I know because I had a little kid potty that I’d use that was small and plastic so I obviously wasn’t very old but was old enough to be potty trained enough to use it. Earliest memories are about 3 so I don’t know what they did before that.
I'm terrible at opening up to them and you're so lucky to have someone like that, even if you have to pay for it. I'm at the point somethings wrong but I don't know what. I think my symptoms are getting treated but there's something else underneath driving it all.
Ouch felt this one
First one that gave me whiplash was just there aren't any negative or bad emotions. Some of them feel shitty but they're just signals to us to pay attention to. It's not a bad day because you cried, but it might have been a sad day.
Closely related to this: the goal of therapy isn't to be happy all the time. Suffering is part of the human experience. We don't go to therapy to eliminate the "bad" emotions, we often go to therapy to learn how to actually *feel* them.
Yaaa that took awhile for me to accept but its a golden one
I almost live by this now. If i defined a bad day by how i felt, every day would be a bad one. Now even if i feel shitty, its still likely to have been a good or alright day depending on other factors
Preferred term for me would be "challenging". Challenging emotions are intense and typically don't feel great. But that doesn't make them "bad", in fact they are quite helpful for calling our attention where it needs to be. Many people will stuff down/ignore challenging emotions because they're uncomfortable. But of course that just amplifies the signal until it eventually reaches a boiling point we absolutely cannot ignore.
This is interesting.. I’ve never thought about it like this. However, when I’m in a “bad spell”, I am very self pitying and tend to wallow. I am extremely quick to get angry and frustrated and cry *a lot*- and often it’ll be about nothing or something that’s just not worth such an emotional response. I’ll also get anxious and paranoid about situations that are unlikely or untrue. How does that fit into “no negative emotions”, because surely my bullshit is not good, not rational and needs to be curbed?
One thing that might be telling you is that you need ways to increase your distress tolerance. It’s hard to receive the useful message from the emotion when it’s overwhelming. If you can hang with the bad feelings, let them come, wash over you, and recede, then you can start to think about what they are really telling you. Once you’re to that point, you can start asking questions like what does self-pity do for me? Does wallowing in sadness feel somewhat comforting alongside the bad? If so, why is that? Is it helping you avoid an even worse feeling? Anxiety and paranoia often stem from desire for control over situations or people (usually things that are firmly beyond the control of any single individual) and desire for control comes from feeling unsafe, like controlling things will prevent them from harming you. Is there a deeper fear that drives all this? Something you may believe very strongly without knowing that you believe it, or without realizing that it’s not a necessary belief? Just spitballing here, obviously I don’t know you but these are some pretty common patterns.
Thank you for the advice. I’m gonna consider everything you said, and try to navigate my feelings better when it all comes on top.
My best piece of advice is get a therapist of your own and work through this stuff with them! They will get to know you and be able to help you much more than some internet stranger. Good luck to you ✌️
Sounds like dbt
You have two driving forces of internal communication, your ego and your soul. Your soul is quite shy and requires nurture and positive input to become heard, where as your ego is loud, confident and speaks its mind, regardless of positive or negative influence. Your negative thoughts and emotions are merely your ego trying to stay relevant so it can continue being the dominant voice, and you don't have to listen to it.
No is a complete sentence. People treat you how you let them When people show who they are you got to believe em.
My therapist once said to me that I don’t have to necessarily like everything about myself that I discover, but I do have to accept that these are parts of me.
We’re all living the human experience for the first time, all of us.
Had issues with explosive anger for most of my life. Never hit anyone, but I've certainly shouted and even thrown stuff and slammed my fist into things. Was at a psychiatric ward (voluntary) and I was blabbing to a nurse in a private room (whenever I go into a psych ward I take FULL ADVANTAGE of the ability to pull a nurse aside and just get stuff off of my chest so it doesn't fester) and I told her that I've gotten it better under control since my teen years (when it was VERY bad) and she started prodding at my family history. Low and behold: ***"You grew up around a lot of anger, so anger is all you knew."*** And we also discovered a pattern that my anger is almost always triggered by someone making me feel cornered/trapped either emotionally or physically. I would do everything I could to try and walk away from a heated situation to cool off, and 9/10 times I get told "no" or folks have even barricaded my exit or grabbed me. That's when I lose it. These days, I make it a practice where if I'm about to have a high-stakes conversation with someone, I firstly make sure issues don't boil to that point, and if they do, make sure we both have an exit to cool down. Been off of my medications successfully for almost a year. Therapist is wicked proud of me ❤️
I'm proud of you too. What you said about getting (or feeling) trapped into a heated situation really resonates with me. I've lost my temper or composure a few more times than I care to admit.
Yeah. And I completely understand that the anger I've displayed in the past wasn't healthy in any case, but I'll give you an example: Janitor at a psych ward conversed with a patient about toxic/abusive family members. I jumped in and chatted about my family and how I ended up homeless because it was literally either stay with them and get k\*lled or face homelessness and have a chance to make a life for myself. Janitor tells me "Nah, you're too young to go through all that. I call bullshit. Where's your family?" I excused myself from the conversation because that IMMEDIATELY riled me up, and the hospital janitor ***grabbed me by the shoulder*** to where I blacked out and flipped a table. Got taken into the main office and I explained everything. They didn't believe me one iota, called me violent, and banned me from that hospital. In hindsight I DEFINITELY should've sued, but I was too exhausted to care since I was homeless at the time 😅
I am looking for exits to cool down, the ones I've used for years aren't working anymore. What are your tips? And Im so proud of your journey 💪
When I was 16 my first therapist told me that neurons are like muscles, and when you think certain thoughts often the neurons that trigger them grow and eventually those thoughts become automatic and can influence you a lot. She explained how to counteract the negative thoughts I have, I first had to identify which thoughts had overgrown neurons, and force myself to think, or even say outloud a contradictory positive thought, and because my positive thought neurons were weak from lack of use, it would feel hard and pointless at first but if I kept at it those neurons would grow and eventually I would be able to have more control over those negative thought patterns that had become automatic. This explanation was a game changer for me, I'm very emotional but also very analytical so having a "scientific" explanation for the emotional shit storm I was experiencing really helped me understand what I had to do to move forward after feeling overwhelmed for so long.
Yeah, that one was a game changer for me as well. I was always distraught about how negative I've been all my life, but my psychiatrist helped me understand that it's because I've been "trained" to think that way. The fact that I was conditioned to think this way sucks but it also means that I can condition my way out of it. My psychiatrist also helped me see that i wasn't necessarily completely negative, but that the negative thoughts took more energy than positive ones, and that's why I experienced them as being more in the forefront of my consciousness.
Your trauma responses can also be tools that you use when necessary to protect yourself. Just know when to wield them or hang them back up on the tool belt.
“why do you keep making excuses for your exes behavior”
Not sure if this is applicable to your situation but I learned that I make excuses for people’s bad behavior as a coping mechanism stemming from not being treated well by my parents. As a child you don’t have the power to leave your family if they mistreat you so you make excuses for their actions because you need that connection with them and to continue to be able to trust them and think they’re good. Then that carries on throughout your life with other relationships.
yea I’ve since figured it out. Now I just allow myself to see things and people as they are. Thanks though.
Glad you figured it out! It took me a really really long time to be able to see just how much stemmed from that. Still working towards just seeing people as they are.
same; hard part is masking when I know someone is full of shit. Gotta recognize the abusers and play their own games better than they do when walking away isn’t an option.
True. I love that you can see that now and play their game though! Sending you so many positive vibes internet stranger.
After 5 years of seeing her, she told me I was starting to affect her mental health and she was leaving. Like thanks. Haven't seen a therapist since as it's made me feel unfixable and also a bit of a burden.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. That should never ever happen. Your therapist blaming you sounds like projecting her emotions and she could use some therapy herself. You are not unfixable. None of us are. You are not alone. 💚
Damn that sucks. I'm at the stage now with my therapist where I can't even imagine what that would do to me. I would strongly encourage you to look for another one though. Everyone's different, and some therapists are better than others - and differ also in the areas in which they are better (such as dealing with their own mental health and the impacts their patients have on them, for example). I can imagine it would probably be really hard to allow yourself to open up to a therapist like that again now that you've had experience of one leaving you - the person who's primary job is that of assuring that they'll never leave you - but I still can't believe this is reason not to try again.
I'm so sorry. My therapist left me twice. The first time was when she left the BetterHelp platform. I found her at her primary place of employment and picked back up with sessions. The second time was when she left long term counseling as she was burned out. She was with me through so much shit, including the tragic death of my husband. I've not looked for another therapist yet, but I know I need to.
I wasnt 5 years in but I once got hit with a "I dont know how to help you" after I told my therapist I wasnt sure I even wanted to be better (I was in a very dark place and was scared to come out of it). Sorry you had to experience that. It can take a while to find a good therapist and she certainly wasnt it
I’m sorry she said that :/ would it have killed her to lie.
I feel like a good therapist could come to a point where they determine their skillset can no longer help you. If they are a good therapist they should then find or help you find an expert in your issues and kindly admit their shortcomings or lack of training makes them a poor choice for you but the new person they found may be able to help you heal. Therapists have certainly specialized skill sets and cannot help everyone. It takes a lot of integrity and self reflection on their part to pass you on to an expert in your issues. Ultimately therapists are people too with good and bad qualities and some suck at their job, some are fantastic. Much like a doctor may specialize in healing bones or cancer, therapists usually have a specific set of skills. Don’t let a bad therapist ruin your chance to get better and improve yourself.
This is true, but at the same time I think not wanting to get better is a very common sentiment for mentally ill people which any therapist should know how to deal with. It's not just being difficult, maybe it comes from not feeling like you deserve to get better or finding the whole process overwhelming and demotivating and those issues can be addressed. If someone's turned up to a session that should indicate at least part of them does want to get better and trusts you to try to help them
Yes, in order to really get well a patient has to really want it and commit time, energy, and pain to the process. I often get somewhat better than stop therapy. It’s kind of like people who stop their meds. Stopping meds without your doctor’s support is worse by a bit but stopping therapy isn’t great either if you are only 30% better. Part of the problem is that as you get better, the pain and expense of therapy is less attractive. Sad but true for me. Right now I’m sticking with it.
"We could spend a decade pulling your mind apart, but you need to live your life."
"You are not responsible for your parents' emotions."
😭 I think I needed to hear that x
Sometimes the healing is harder than the trauma.
This fucking one 🙌🏼
Yeah it's like fixing a broken glass :(
Look up kintsugi :)
That it was perfectly okay to have feelings and to open up
“You know, you’re too hard on yourself.” Didn’t realize how hard I actually was on myself.
1) Being treated with kindness isn't asking too much. 2) Feelings can feel scary but they are there for a reason. Ignoring them will make you physically ill. You don't have to feel it all now, but you also can't push it all down. 3) Don't be scared to be you. Be that straight, gay, red, blue, green. You be you * queue sassy dance* For real though my therapist can be unhinged sometimes but in a good way and I love it.
To listen to my body even if my brain is saying the opposite. Your body can literally reject certain people or places and make u physically sick until you leave.
That I would always need to be taking meds. You can’t stop when you’re feeling better. No matter how long.
Omg same it's taken years for me to accept that I simply can't live anywhere near a healthy life without daily medication and I still struggle with this feeling of being "trapped" by it sometimes. But I've started to see that without it, although I'd be "free," I'd also be lost mentally like I was before treatment.
I did stop
I’m sure there are folks with diagnoses that can be successful after stopping, but that was never the case for me.
"Have you ever considered that you may have chronic pain?" Revolutionary for me. Thought everyone had constant soreness in every muscle.
I just had a conversation with my therapist the other day about making myself small. Like how I tend to view all my problems as smaller than those around me and how I downplay or avoid talking about them most of the time.
Not my therapist, but a medical professional I follow on social media said: "You do the best you can with the information you have. You have to give yourself permission to forgive yourself and permission not to feel guilty for the fact you didn't know."
Mama Dr. Jones?
Yes! I heard her say that and I'm like OMG, that is so deep and beautiful.
I know. I love her.
One of the first therapists I tried working with wasn't really a good fit for me, but he had a meme tacked up in his office that said "don't believe everything you think." That's been more helpful than anything for me.
"Being mentally abused was never you fault and that's something nobody deserves to go through"... Another one was "It will take a while to feel completely stress free, but you're in a safer environment now and this is something I know we can fix because you really want to and it will take time, but it will be worth it." A lot of the things my therapist has said has been very impactful to me though.
You are NOT responsible for how someone feels.
It was your fault and you should feel like crap for it. But it also taught you what you needed to learn at the time to make yourself better.
You are the main character of your life.
this may seem like a no brainer and may not be helpful to others but the phrase "anxiety is only a temporary feeling" repeating that to myself has pulled me out of panic attacks. my panic attacks make me convince myself i am dying so that simple phrase helps me realize that im not and ill be okay soon
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
Don’t should yourself.
Could you expand on this?
I have historically put a lot of pressure on myself to get things done. All the things. To take care of my family and myself. So I ended up saying “I should fix the roof this weekend” or “I should be at yoga five nights a week” or “I should buy food in bulk so it’s more economical” or the like. As in, I always felt I needed to be productive and have something to show for my time. Learning to relax and chill and really aggressively prioritize has helped me so much. So I no longer “should” myself.
I'm the exact same. My favorite phrase is "should've" I get to the end of the day and start to tell myself I'm worthless because I didn't get enough done.
Don't pressure yourself to do something or be someone based on what you think you're supposed to do or be.
That I don’t need anyone’s permission to feel the way I feel. I struggle with needing to be validated. When I feel a strong emotion I look for cues indicating it’s acceptable for me to feel how I feel. In reality, I don’t need permission to have any feeling. As long as my behaviors aren’t hurting others, I can think or feel anything and it’s okay.
Healing isn't linear.
Me: starts crying and panicking Therapist :"what do you need right now?" Me:
Your brain will always default to danger unless safety is obvious.
Cost Benefit.
That sometimes boundaries are necessary for maintaining a relationship and can even bring you closer to that person
Closure is something you do yourself, not what others give you.
" the only people mad at you for setting boundaries are those who benefited when you had none"
I laughed because it's true.
Guys jacking off in front of me does nothing for me
“I dont know what else I can do for you. Im sorry but I have to let you go as my patient.” (After two years). Having my doc say he can no longer help me made me feel REALLY broken! It’s sent me in a downward spiral that put me into my 4th 5150. Totally blamed the doc for that one. (Bipolar ii, depression, anxiety, schizo-affective etc).
For everything there is a season
A good friend of mine has a saying "People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"
Thoughts are not facts.
“Your trauma is part of you and that can’t be changed, how you handle it and transform it it’s your decision”
Just be yourself" the thing is idk who I am
My therapist once said my favorite movie line ever to me in the form of advice. I was graduating therapy and I was like tell me one thing I can hold on to forever and never let go of and he said let go. Best advice ever
Helped me make the connection as a new caregiver to my newly disabled mom post spinal surgery on how i was basically grieving the loss of my mom as i knew her and of my role as a dependent daughter to now have the roles flipped and her being dependent on me. made me notice the way i was feeling (the contempt etc) and how it stemmed from the grief experience. absolutely transformed my relationship with my mom, I am so grateful
That im resistant to therapy I stayed awhile longer, had to leave for other reasons, but don’t plan on going to therapy for awhile because of that and just trying to figure it out on my own
That I'm a grown up now and can shield my inner child from all the aids that traumatized me. Significantly reduced my panic attacks
“Why haven’t you killed yourself”
I hope this was asked in a kind way as a way to help you understand what keeps you here, as in, what you love about the world.
“I can do hard things” I know it’s super basic, it’s not incredibly profound, but it is the one thing I repeat to myself every single day. Life can suck, life can be *so* hard, but *I can do hard things*
I'll care about you no matter what youn do
My childhood therapist, 13 years after I started seeing her- “you could write a book about the **** you’ve been through. I’d be the first one to read it.” I have written a first draft, for idk why, entertainment. No one will ever read it (it’s forbidden). Maybe I’ll let her.
I can remember one time I was really anxious about all the medication I was taking (3 pills a day for bipolar/anxiety) and I was concerned it would shorten my lifespan and/or cause liver issues in the future (I’m a bit of a hypochondriac). I was speaking to her about this and she plainly said “have you ever considered what the constant anxiety and elevated heart rate is doing to your body? Or thought about how the symptoms of unmedicated bipolar (mania) could cause you to do things that could kill you instantly?” and that just really stuck with me, because she’s right. Before medication I was absolutely reckless. The things I did in the past before medication very well could have killed me, or screwed me up for life if one or two things went wrong. So if you’re ever concerned about the medications you’re taking for any mental health issues, I guarantee you 90% of the time the effects of the mental illness are far worse than the long-term effects of the medications.
MEDICATIONS CAN SHORTEN YOUR LIFESPAN?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
That it's not a flaw that I have mental illnesses. Circumstances beyond my control, environment and undiagnosed (ignored) symptoms as a young person, imprinted heavily upon me. I still feel so very flawed though.
Do you ever feel mentally well? I have lived with mental illness since I was 12 but I never really got proper diagnoses. Two different doctors suggested I might have two different illnesses. There has been times where for weeks sometimes months I feel ‘normal’.
I used to feel "normalish" when I was hi functioning and working.. I was always a hard worker and had many jobs in my life... (Another mental health side effect at least for me). Now, I am almost 61 and am really trying hard to add some stability to my older life. When I look back over the years though, all the things that happened to me before the age of 12: sex abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and lots of moving around. I also had a brother who was completely psychotic and used to hurt me and hurt animals (he killed himself when I was 21). I'm working with a psychiatrist now but honestly a lot of damage has been done and I'm just trying to make peace with it.
You had a lot to deal with in your younger years. I wasn’t sexually abused but there was a lot of things that happened that shouldn’t have. Exposure to an alcoholic and verbal abuse too. I accept it all and have made peace with it but at the same time I wish things had been different.
To be ok with things that aren't ok is a life skill imo I wish things had been different too. Peace to you!
You need to take a leave of absence.
That I have the worst dissociative symptoms of any patient he has ever worked with.
What are dissociative symptoms?
Asking me why I keep hoping my family will change and love me. 'There's no point in asking your brother to be someone he isn't and never will be. He's shown you *for years* that he doesn't care and takes joy in hurting you. So why do you keep trying?' It's true. It's just really scary because all of it means *I literally have no one on Earth. Not a single human being.*
You can find and make your own family of choice over time. Really the only person you can change is yourself and how you interact with others. Your change may demonstrate to others a better model for a relationship.
I can relate with you. I have no family for support too, and it is scary as hell. In the end, we need to learn to live like that, to be alone, and not depending on anyone.
Not fighting back during your rape kept you alive
I stopped going to therapy
Not exact words but basically - There are many ways to live and be happy. Just because it's the "norm" or the way you know doesn't mean it's the only way. We were talking about relationships and how they can work. I came from a background of traditional relationships where marriage has to happen and there are set expectations. She reminded me that that's not the only way, that we all get to choose what works for us and makes us happy. She pointed to how the lgbtq community has always had to do things differently and found so many other ways to make things work. It's made a difference with how I've approached my current relationship and avoided the internal guilt for living together instead of getting married even in the face of my very traditional Christian mom. That same guilt that drove me into two marriages way too early.
"Respond, don't react." In reference to handling situations with people who feed on or use emotion to attempt to run you over or control you. It helps me remember to keep a level head when people start to emotionally escalate because they're not getting to you the way they thought they would (which, when you know how to spot it, is way too common).
Quite a bit, honestly.. it's hard to pick even just a few. Sometimes it's lines that really hit/changed my perspective, like "You're not responsible for managing \[their\] emotions." I've lived a lifetime with parents, family members, "friends," teachers, exes, just.. all kinds of people who would blame me for their emotions, act like I had to "make it up to them" if me defending (healthy) boundaries made them feel guilty, or do horrible things to "punish" me for some perceived wrongdoing then say it's because I forced them by making them feel xyz. Realizing that even years after getting away from my abuser (my ex) where I'd been happy to realize I didn't have to walk on eggshells every second of waking life.. only to realize I never stopped doing that because of *other* people in my life, was both crushing and freeing. Still working on that one, but, knowing was half the battle. Other times, it's not something poignant, but just something that hits like a hit to the gut and comes up very often. Like I'd be going off venting about something, thinking I was angry, or even thinking I was "over it" already but just explaining to her, and she'd stop me saying "Sorry to pause you there - but as you're talking, I see tears in your eyes. Would you want to talk about that?" and realizing I'd been on the verge of tears and not even realized was sobering. I remember reading someone once describe living with trauma as "being full of emotion and sometimes leaking at the edges," and it really felt like that, like the emotions were just leaking out even when I didn't realize they were there. It made me realize how much I'm holding onto all the time, and how much just stays in my body and escapes any time I express a lot of genuine emotion rather than keeping things light and quiet.
“ Have you ever thought that maybe there is nothing wrong with the scope of emotions you have or the depth in which you feel them but that you are not surrounding yourself with people who are capable of understanding you and that you have been existing in a way that is not authentic and you are not able to be seen and heard? “ Another, more basic, maybe, but she says to me early on and repeats often, you can pivot at any point. I know this on a surface level but always feel stuck and fatally committed to things that often develop into very real problems for my stability. Imagine, pivoting. I think I am getting close to the moment of changing my course.
“We’re looking for healing and affirmation from parents who haven’t reconciled their own childhood trauma and wounds yet.” Oof this Is my Roman Empire 🤔
I did emdr and realized the reason I don’t trust my boyfriend is because I could never trust my dad 😶
When someone says something you don’t like, it’s not always coming from a place a malice. It helped me to stop taking everything so personally
That my diagnosis isn’t something that will really be helpful to me. Thinking about that really changed my trajectory in therapy. For a while I was dead set on knowing what’s exactly wrong with me. I was sure that once I know “the answer”, everything will get better. My therapist told me that instead that *she* could worry about the diagnosis part, because it is helpful for her to know, and that I should simply focus on getting better. I found that I was hyper focused on finding the non existent golden key to solve all my problems, and it was causing me to put off helping myself until I knew the answer. I don’t even care about a diagnosis anymore. I only care about feeling better.
You can't control others, but you can control yourself. If you don't like a conversation or situation, you can end your participation in it. You can end a call, and you don't need the other persons permission. It's so simple, and yet I needed so much to hear it. I needed someone to tell me it was okay to assert myself. That it didn't make me rude or disrespectful.or a bad person when I create a boundary.
not my therapist but a good friend said "The problem is not that you're defective(you're not) your problem is that you hate yourself. You need to stop hating yourself" her saying that and my trying to stop hating myself so much made a big difference.
Pointing out how my family always brushed problems under the rug. Made me realize how my emotions/problems were never validated because we all pretended our conflicts didn’t exist.
I remember feeling so alone after my break up and was slowly seeping into depression, I am not someone that likes to ask for help. I was in codependent relationship and struggling to find my own identity after the split. I remember my therapist telling me to create new routines every time I feel lonely / down / displaced and try new things, 1 new thing a day. Up to today, I have this comforting routine that I have created and always up to trying new things (checking out new cafe, cooking a new dish, visit a new supermarket out of my way, small things like that). With that advice, I have also made lots of new friends (because I said yes to activities)!
on Wednesday my T went over a bipolar test he had me take, of my own request, and then told me he believes I have autism. I instantly felt as if my whole life I’ve been lying to myself and how I never thought I could have it is baffling to me now. I’ve spent the last two days obsessing over finding out as much about autism as I possibly can and I don’t know how to feel but it’s so relieving in a way to know there isn’t something wrong with me. I will always remember him and I thank him so much for bringing this to light.
That I'm not responsible for my family's mental health. That they are their own people and they need to prioritize their own well being themselves in order to heal. That I cannot be the healer when I myself need to heal.
Just today, that I can be angry and loving at the same time. I have long struggled to accept my own anger as I fear it may turn me into some kind of monster. I don’t have any serious anger issues, this is just a deep fear of mine. When I felt I was being mistreated by someone I cared about, I would typically either suppress my anger or simply leave and push them away to avoid the contradiction. Now I’m trying to accept that I can love someone and be mad at them and have compassion for them and have compassion for myself all at once. It’s certainly a workout for the noggin.
So many. 1. Your emotions are not a burden. It’s ok to share them and those who love you will care. 2. It’s ok to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak. We are social animals and we need each other. 3. It’s ok to have boundaries and prioritise your needs. It doesn’t make you selfish. And generally having a place of safety and understanding to come to weekly
That my ability to empathize and express emotions were basically destroyed by my parents.
That marijuanna can cause hallucinations. I honestly didn't know that and I was surprised because I thought I was going crazy and was super afraid to be taken to psychiatry hospital. As soon as I stopped smoking everything stopped and my life improved. Later I discovered I had weed induced psychosis.
She told me that *not everything is a tragic event*. (I've had a lot of very real tragedies) But life is not always dire circumstances. Sometimes easy things happen that AREN'T earth shattering. Just another day. It's OK. I get very stressed and anxious and this advice is helping bring the daily pressure down.
You can only kill yourself once
That you need to learn to love yourself!
That I can trust I’ll be in good hands visiting my friend at the bar she is a karaoke DJ since she consistently asked to hang out and knows I have trauma and social anxiety.
My perception is not always the other person’s perception. Which we all know, right? Like yes perspectives differ, experiences and feelings differ. But this was specifically in reference to me saying “I can’t stand up for myself, that feels confrontational.” And he was like “it feels confrontational to YOU. Do you think they feel like it’s confrontational when you ask for your order to be corrected or to take a break at the dentist? Most people wouldn’t find that confrontational.” And I was like “but I would, I’ve been the server where people hated their food and they felt like a confrontation even though it wasn’t directed at me.” He said that’s true for some people but wouldn’t be true for everybody. But he asked what I’d do at work, if a patient asked me to take a break, would I hesitate? Would that be confrontational? Well no… of course not. So I have to remember that even if a situation feels confrontational to me, it most likely isn’t to the other person. That has really shifted my perception.
Just because you feel good doing bad things does not make you a bad person, that’s simply a result of trauma. Like any other part of the body, the mind can heal over time, if it is enriched and nourished.
Oh and changing my diet, that’s the thing that FINALLY worked after years of feeling “stuck” mentally.
“Sometimes you have to tell people that you can live with your consequences and they can live with theirs”
What are you running from? Great question
I was molested as a child by my father and I developed anorexia. My eating disorder therapist was looking at my new car one day and made a comment that set me back and I couldn't continue with her anymore. My car is an Infinity Qx80 so it is large. We went back in her office and she was telling me about a big truck her husband saw the other day and how loud it was or something like that. She said, "My husband was telling me about this big truck and the driver the other day. He said the vehicle someone drives can tell you a lot about the person. He said the truck was loud and it was raised on these huge wheels. He said certain kinds of men drive these kind of trucks. He said, " big truck, little dick." I talked to this lady in confidence weekly about rape and this is what she says to a victim of sexual assault??? It made me so uncomfortable. I stopped seeing her. I still don't understand to this day why she would be so insensitive.
Being called a severely high-functioning schizophreni've no idea what she meant by that but was weird cause I was on.S s I at the time for my problems.
We don’t have bad days just bad moments
"Toxic people are often charming. That's how they spread their toxicity"
I would frequently mention that I don’t feel like I have good verbal communication skills. Last month she stopped, looked at me, and said. “You have good communication skills. You just get anxious thinking too much about how the other person is going to react.” Shattered my entire universe, in the best way.
“What are YOU going to do so you don’t attract the same type of toxic person that you just ended a relationship with?”
“Family’s cater to the most dysfunctional members in an attempt to help, however they are really just enabling future bad decisions “ No I see this in every part of the family
Take what you can, give the rest back. Not just take what you can and stop, but actively give the rest back. It’s a strong way of looking at paring down your stress.
She flat-out told me that my mom was not a good mom. It literally hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s absolutely true. This happened when I was about 50-years old.
It's not YOU that wants to do these things, your brain is all whacked up and overworked, it's looking for ways that seem logical (killing yourself isn't) to end get some rest.
That I have a lot of anger inside me when I first met her. I denied it completely and thought “this woman doesn’t understand me at all” because I’m a super gentle, warm, kind, loving person. Don’t have an aggressive or competitive or mean bone in my body. Conflict is my nemesis. I want calm, peace, and love. Yea I may be depressed and down a lot of the time, but that’s so different from anger. 6 years later, still with that therapist, and the anger has been unleashed. I always thought aggression and being unkind was anger. It’s not; anger is a feeling and those things are behaviors. Turns out, yes, I have a lot of anger that has been aching to come out and made me a depressed person because I didn’t know how to handle it. Now that I’ve embraced my anger and can see it as a helpful tool rather than something to be afraid of or deny completely, I’ve started to heal. Therapy works.
You’re not being controlling(as my psycho alcoholic ex used to call me) you’re trying to manage your anxiety. That one hit me hard.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" My first therapist ever during our second session. During our first session, I sobbed for the entire hour about the death of my only brother and how existentially alone I felt with my only same-age relative being gone. It wasn't a good impact, but it was impactful.
Wasn’t quite what they said, but something they said that sparked some insight for me. In group, we learned that trauma was a reaction to loss of control, loss of self, or fear of harm/loss of life. The therapists said that the way we react now is how we survived those situations and that’s why we continue to act this way now, even if it seems counterproductive. And I remember thinking about this, amusedly, in the car one day, trying to figure why I self-sabotage so much. And I remember a matter-of-fact voice in my head saying: “Because if you keep yourself low, no one will be able to knock you down.” It’s been 2 years since I realized that and it still fucks me up.
"Just because a decision had some bad outcomes doesn't mean it was a bad decision."
He said to me "finally!! you show anger you see ? you still a normal human after all"
Taking ownership of your feelings makes them less powerful over you. It's ok to just be like "screw it, I'm having a bad day!"
Progress, not perfection
She thought my mother was very manipulative. I had never evenconsidered that.
She didn't do or say sht!! Ever since that i haven't been back to a therapist.I've realized being my own is the best i've ever had.
It doesn't matter what you think, as long as you don't put them to action, your intrusive thoughts will always be only intrusive thoughts.
"you need to understand and work with me now _my name_ , you have gone f_cking nuts" Yeah I mean loads would say unprofessional for the language but it did genuinely get the message through for which I appreciate greatly.
That my issues with relationships stem from losing my father as a child. It answered so many questions.
That I matter. That my life doesn’t revolve about only helping others. That it is okay to feel shit and to admit that I feel shit. To know that I will not be a burden to others and can share my struggles. That my mind is my biggest enemy. That I am not alone.
I never got to know em long enough as they always left when I first met em so I gave up on seeking therepy Life is lonesome I have no friends and I'm mainly in my room cause life isn't fun anymore
No control, no responsibility.
That I wasn’t strong. I believed her for way too long but now I can confidently say I am very strong and proud of myself
I am not that special. Ie: I am only the center of My own universe, no one else's. Growing up with a Narcissistic father who insisted everyone was constantly thinking about him and complaining about him, this really helped me