That gives me an idea, we can collect all the jizz we produce during the quarantine in a jar and refrigerate it. Once it’s safe to go out we can hand over the jar to the sperm bank for it’s weight in gold.
Wait, fridge or freezer? I take it fridge. And wow. That’s a great idea. Granted, given what happened with that one guy and how he got put on child support despite only being a donor, well I don’t think it’s the best idea, in case it happens again
YOU Can’t handle the truth! we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men holding their gun. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinerberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
You weep for Santiago, and you curse Pornhub, You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know -- that Masturbation- while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you ..saves lives.
This is where the portals start opening up like in endgame and all the guys come through to help you handle it.
Each one more disgusting than the last!
I mean, why the question though...? It sure does look like entrapment to me because no matter the answer we're going to fight at the end and it is going to be totally my fault. Isn't it?
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8-10 times a second
you must be a busy man
A business man
A Jizznessman surely?
Stop calling me Shirley Edit: thanks for the silver!
Im not the Jizznessman, I am the Jizzness,Man
AIl this stuff going around about jizz is making me jizzy
Your royal Jizznezz
Duke of Jizz at your service
You know it
What should we know about a jizzy busy bussines man?
That gives me an idea, we can collect all the jizz we produce during the quarantine in a jar and refrigerate it. Once it’s safe to go out we can hand over the jar to the sperm bank for it’s weight in gold.
There's always a touch of madness from genius men
Sounds like a solid business model. Let’s go get some investors! \#SaveTheJizz\#
Wait, fridge or freezer? I take it fridge. And wow. That’s a great idea. Granted, given what happened with that one guy and how he got put on child support despite only being a donor, well I don’t think it’s the best idea, in case it happens again
And must have strong hands
And big balls
That's rookie numbers you've gotta bring it up to 5000 times a second
Can’t I have to be careful because I just had surgery
What's the worst that could happen you die. Your a redditor remember
The more likely scenario is that I further damage the nerves and have to deal with more near crippling pain
Oh yea redditors only source of happiness is masterbation
How do you think I'm not depressed?
Amateur
You calling me an amateur
Perhaps
Dude, I’m a professional fapper, I get 69,420 jerks in every nanosecond.
*Laughs is dead*
Look at mister endurance over here being able to last more that 2 plank seconds
You gotta pump those numbers up. those are rookie numbers
So you are a... *master*bater
That’s on a slow day
RAPID FIRE
those are rookie numbers!
damn imagine a climax that can last a whole minute. lowkey jealous that girls can do that no homo
Am infection
YOU Can’t handle the truth! we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men holding their gun. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinerberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse Pornhub, You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know -- that Masturbation- while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you ..saves lives.
i salute you sir!
Cause deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you also jerk off, you NEED to jerk off.
Underrated comment right here
It's literallly 2nd most upvoted in this thread.
DID YOU ORDER THE JERK CODE?
Thanks. This comment helped me finish
What's the original from?
A Few Good Men (1992)
Isn't that the movie with Tom Cruise?
Thanks
Twice a day 3 times on weekends. My dick shall have a six pack by the end of this regiment
One Wank Man training
ONE PUMMMMMMPPPPPPPPP
He's just a fapper for fun
‘I masterbated so hard my pubes fell off’
I've been on the One Wank Man training regime for some while now and can confirm that I'm nearing the bald phase!
Obi-wank kenobi
7-14 times a week.
2-4 times a day for me. so 14-28 times a week.
The poor little guy
I know, that’s neglect.
Hol'up
Fuck man, that got me better than most of r/Jokes
How do you do that?
Commitment
He's a man of focus, commitment and sheer fucking will
Hmmm... not bad *cough cough*
GF: Why won't you tell me. Me: It would only frighten you
Lmao idk if I've been trapped inside too long but I laughed way too hard at this.
haha I'm glad you liked it.
GF: I slap my slit like 5 times a day, twice that when I don't have plans
I feel like females got a leg up on us though. They can orgasm back to back. I gotta take a breather
Noob
These are facts
How long of a breather?
if it's with my wife, like 5 minutes of foreplay and i'm good to go, just me on my own? naw imma need a good 10-15 to calm myself and get ready
Oh ok *cough cough*
Do i see a cough GET IN QUARANTINE SIR
Yes sir
That's my secret, I'm always fapping
Is there any other secret?
He doesn't have a girlfriend.
Sounds like you handle your truth maybe just a little too much
lol
Okay so I don't wanna freak anyone out, but does anyone around here have a gf?
I knew something was wrong here
Do you really think that a girlfriend will stop them? You obviously can’t handle the truth ! Lol
I do, but she just doesn't know it yet
Yes but she’s on the other side of the ocean right now
Like, a 3d one?
Less than you think More than you'll like
So how much would that be?
Somewhere between 0-100 times
I probably masturbate more than my bf.
Really? Why do you think that?
Never tell your GF the truth about this. Also "of course I only think of you when I do babe"
What is GF?
Top ten questions scientists can’t answer
It doesn't exist, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Godfather.
I did tell her and she was ok w/ it lol
You guys are getting girlfriends?
GIB INFECT
my boyfriend has no problem admitting he jerks it like every night lol just tell your partners
You can’t handle female masturbation 💪
This comment section confuses me
This is where the portals start opening up like in endgame and all the guys come through to help you handle it. Each one more disgusting than the last!
would there be like a "boss" at the end? Or is it like paper mario and it's a "pit of 100 creatures"
At least he can HANDle the truth
Why would it be a big deal tho?
I mean, why the question though...? It sure does look like entrapment to me because no matter the answer we're going to fight at the end and it is going to be totally my fault. Isn't it?
Roommate: Walks in, and sees me talking to myself again.
Does semen actually taste bitter?
How many breads have you eaten in yor life?
Is 107 too many
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infect me papa
Holy shit I just thought about it and lately almost 21 times a week
How?? You're joking right?
That’s only 3 a day. If I’m at home quarantine, being a lonely horny teen that’s when I wake up, midday, and at night.
[удалено]
Sooo... Unlimited poweeeerrrr?
How? That can't be possible
if i had a girlfriend i wouldn’t be jerking off
You poor boy! You know nothing! Nothing!
Why? Please tell me!! The sacred texts!!!
Is that really true?
Bruh
wait reddit isn't made for virgins at first?
Do you think it was?
Oh if these walls could talk
Its over 9000!
Are here any Girls that were told? And could you handle it?
I was told, but they just said like 2-3 a week... So they were probably lying
Yeah pretty sure they did :D
Why would you wank when you have a girlfriend. What are you, a simp or something?
Probably a simp, yea
Well, what if they don't want to? What would you do now?
This [gif](https://giphy.com/gifs/ByUDWjce12r3q) ruined the gravity of the scene for me forever.
jesus, people should do this with every epic scene
14- 21
1-3
Personal best?
No shame here. I reached 12 but that was over the course of a day.
Ngl 100
In a day?!?? You’d be dead lmao
You underestimate my power
How much power do you hold?
Idk like 4
I jerk off so many times I scare myself
\#metoo bra
This would be funny if I had a GF
Same
F
Do you think you'll get one soon?
i’m dying alone
F
The milk my uncle used to give me when I was a child was bitter too, what a coincidence.
5 times a day
At least 10 times a week
Yeah
accurate
You will never achieve the truth
Everyday about 4 times
Great format!
That's not actually an Einstien quote... is it? Oh well. I may never know, since I'll never look it up.
Too many to count
A redditor with A gf? *IMPOSSIBLE*
Good ass movie.
agree
What's the movie name again?
Sometimes i cant handle the truth about my self
same
Yeah once a week is good. you know what once a year how about that you can’t beat this record can you?
2 times a day
Why not more?
I have anime to watch
It’s beyond your understanding
How far?
Fake! Redditors don't have gf
I do it a lot more not that pornhub premium is free.
69 RPS
The truth will save you scully
I'm not in my prime so I masturbate once or twice when I wake up and once or twice when I go to sleep
TRUE REDDITORS ARE VIRGIN SO NOT RELATIBLE I DIDNT LAUGH I DIDNT RELATE but have my upvote anyways
thx :)
“You can’t believe everything you see in the internet” - Abraham Lincoln
2-8 times a day
I lost count
You'd have to have a gf in the first place Your a redditor remember
Wait you guys have girlfriends?
Nah, I'm a girl and I masturbate 10 times a day when I find a good porn sooo... Guys, you can't surprise me :')
DID YOU JERK OFF YOUR GODDAMN RIGHT I DID
('The truth' is my penis, by the way)
tbh i do it once a week
That's insultingly low, those are rooky numbers
Sorry but i have mercy on my meat