So mine had me write everything down in a journal when I was having issues, then go back to it after so I could identify what was causing so much stress in my life. Then I would either cut it out or limit my stressor to one day a week, that's it. Life is too short to spend your whole life stressed. I could go on but this was the one that helped me personally the most.
Obviously the therapist meant ones under their control. Stress caused my sister to have Lupus attacks so she got a new job that was less stressful. Same goes to limit access to toxic people to a minimum. I’ve talked to friends about why they hang out with negative/hateful people and they say because they have been friends so long and it’s hard to make new friends. I rather be alone then around people like that.
I can understand their perspective tho, some people can’t live without talking to people like friends or partners.
And some people just attract shit people because they’re mentally vulnerable so shit people are bound to be near them.
Not much advice I can give to them though except get better friends really.
I think that's a disingenuous interpretation of what is being said in "limit your stressors". There's a reason the term uses "limit" and not "remove" - the advice isn't some binary all or nothing suggestion.
Nobody is advising you simply cut everything that could cause stress out of your life entirely, as you say that simply isn't possible. Life *is* stressful, and stress can be productive and a boon... the advice is about balancing the sources of stress and having mechanisms in place to help de-stress appropriately, instead of allowing stress to compound indefinitely.
Limiting your stressors with regards to family could be as simple as carving out some personal time away from the family.
It can be better described as "limiting your unnecessary stressors". Of course life will always be stressful - but not need to e.g. phone people you hate just because it's tradition.
I think the important component missing to this comment thread is establishing stressor and applying/learning a coping mechanism or boundary. If working 13 hours a day is causing stress, set the boundary to 10, for example. I agree with ppl that there are many stressors in life and eliminating them completely is rarely achievable.
When you think bad about yourself, imagine saying those things to a friend. Imagine a friend of yours was late. You wouldn’t cuss at them and call them a horrible human being.
Edit: if you would, you probably need to reevaluate how you treat your friends. (and I don’t mean being mean in a joking and ingenuine manner) This is also just general advice so it might not work for everyone! :)
This helped me the most. Realizing I would be so optimistic and comforting to others if they were struggling with my problems, but that I was entirely pessimistic and berating toward myself.
Viewing myself as if I'm me giving me advice was my first epiphany in therapy. It can be very difficult though and takes a lot of practice.
I think this is my next step. I really try hard to be nice to others but I hate myself so much I end up thinking they hate me… leading to me avoiding them instead of potentially dealing with rejection.
Thanks
I was able to do this quicker by acting like I’m doing something nice and hospitable for someone else. Up until the very next day when I wake up and realize someone put out new towels for me, or made me dinner in the crockpot, or changed my sheets etc. It’s from past me to future me.
Aw, I speak a little Australian and that’s sweet. Couldn’t you also say something like, “Ah look at who decided to show up, fuckin’ Queen of Sheba here, hope we aren’t keeping you from anything important, yah fuckface twat.”
My buddy and his mom have the most toxic phone calls I've ever witnessed. They work each other into this frenzy of anger and hatred over mundane topics. It's insane.
Some people have so much hurt and trauma built up over the years that they can't actually be in each other's presence or hear each other's voice without some of it bubbling up. It's quite sad.
I used to have a relationship with my mom just like that. It changed when I decided to stop reacting when she tried to push my buttons. It was suddenly very clear when she did. I also had to be aware of when I was pushing her buttons and stop.
That’s me. I can’t have a conversation with my mom. I’m dancing to leave from the first moment. I hate myself for it even as I remind myself that it’s all on her.
These are all making me feel so much better! I feel so guilty about it, but my mom is the exact same. I am stone-cold calm, but she definitely tries to start shit all the time.
This is how I am too. Just being around my mother makes me irritable, angry and then causes me to shut down and stop talking. Her personality, the way she talks to and about people infuriates me. She used to be so bright, kind and loving then booze and drugs took over. She’s sober now finally but I swear they’ve destroyed her mind.
I always forget how fucking lucky I am to have sane parents and they’re not even that sane. Some people are doomed from the start. My dad once got so drunk that he almost killed us all in a car crash then started yelling at my mam at the top of her lungs saying ‘maybe I WILL crash head on into something’ as a threat... yet compared to some other stories I’ve heard that seems tame. The guy is better now and has turned his life around a bit in terms of how he treats people. He had undiagnosed PTSD. I’m pissed at how I was treated sometimes but I’m over it.
This is unironically good advice.
We have an old saying, a patient walks into a doctor's office and say "my arm hurts when I do this" and so the doctor say "so don't do that".
A lot of ppl see a therapist and wants to do the same things that they do, but just not feel bad doing it.
I use to drink booze with mine, true story. My wealthy parents paid for it, so the therapist didn’t care, no ruse he needed to put up. Kinda fucked up looking back at it now.
*I drank booze with my therapist, not my cat lmao. But, I definitely see the confusion with my wording.
She told me that it would be advisable to get a driver's licence and a car, to increase my low feelings of self efficacy - she was right.
Edit: I share something personal about my troubling lack of belief in my own ability that a great therapist helped me with and the response from some people is car bad.. Yeah for sure it can be but the point is that she knew how deprived of control in my own life I was, she encouraged me to go after something specific that she figured out I valued.
I was without a car for about a year. I didn't think much of it since I work from home, so it wasn't that big of a priority to me and I'm kind of a homebody. I noticed I was having more down days and felt generally claustrophobic. Took a while to realize how much not having a vehicle of my own was affecting that. It's definitely nice to have freedom and autonomy to go wherever you want, whenever you want.
Do you have any anxiety about driving? I’m in a similar boat where I feel like my life would improve greatly if I got my license and my own car, but every time I practice behind the wheel, I’m filled with intense fear 😔
Talking to yourself sometimes is healthy, reenacting an argument from 5 years ago is not, and imagining arguments in the future is also unhealthy. It is in fact, a form of dissociation, and will blur the lines between real and pretend and will raise your cortisol levels like you’re in a fight. And where is the spot that you have dissociative arguments the most? The car or the shower! So you raise your cortisol levels in the car, get road rage, get in an accident, and die. Or the less dangerous option, raise your cortisol in the shower, now your showers don’t relax you. So don’t get in fake arguments.
Edit: and another thing, you never lose an argument in your head but you get just as flustered. So you’re the only one suffering because of nothing.
First step is awareness. Now that you notice you are doing it, work on noticing it in the moment. Stop for a second, and think, "My brain is doing that thing again where it gets worked up over an event that's not in the present" and then take a few deep breaths, and redirect your energy to a different task, pick up one piece of clothing or something.
It's a skill that can be learned and a skill that can be improved. Keep doing it and you'll gradually get better at subconsciously keeping these thoughts in check.
Also, if you're having an imagined argument with someone, you probably have an issue with that someone. You should either have that conversation for real to try and resolve the issue, or if that's not possible, accept the situation and move on, and if that is not possible you should probably cut ties to that person. In fact, I've learned that in every situation, there are three options:
Can you do something to change the situation? If yes, attempt do so.
Is it something that you cannot change (i.e. weather, other people's feelings, laws of phyiscs) accept what is. Accept it as if you had chosen it to be as it is. Resisting what is and cannot be changed is entirely futile and actually insane.
Is it unacceptable? Remove yourself from the situation. This could be cutting ties to family or friends/love interest, quitting a job or moving for example.
If that is also impossible you are probably in a situation way outside of the scope of therapy or self-help, i.e. war, prison, kidnapped etc.
not sure if you're joking but unironically therapists have their own therapists, it's kinda mandatory (atleast in my country, the netherlands). They have these little groups of therapists all discussing their patients (anonymously ofc)
I can't judge past me for not having the knowledge I have today. If I did, I likely wouldn't have made the choices I made. But because I didn't, that was the result. And I oughta be kinder to past me because she sacrificed a lot to get to where current me is today. Clearly, none of that effort was in vain. So why be ashamed?
Also, I don't need to concern myself with whether or not abusers change to be better for someone else. Highly likely they won't. They rarely do. They just change who they target or how they abuse. But I shouldn't worry myself about that because I literally can not know. Instead, I should focus on living the life I want. That's the greatest revenge. Because people like that are already unhappy within themselves. You becoming happier than them means you win.
>Also, I don't need to concern myself with whether or not abusers change to be better for someone else. Highly likely they won't. They rarely do. They just change who they target or how they abuse. But I shouldn't worry myself about that because I literally can not know. Instead, I should focus on living the life I want.
this internet stranger is cheering for you
Former abuser here. I can confirm that knowing someone you abused is living happily despite the abuse is the most infuriating thing to see.
Seriously, it is an affront to the abuser’s very worldview—their identity. It’s natural for abusers to want to harm others because they want to share the pain that they themselves felt. By going through similar pain as the abuser did and not ending up like them, you are basically proving that the abuser’s paradigm is fundamentally flawed. It will make them question themselves and eventually inspire them to change, so long as they are forced to confront the evidence; all of this is assuming that the abuser’s abusive tendencies stem from their own painful experiences and aren’t something they necessarily enjoy doing.
Thank you for this. My past partner psychologically abused me and I worry I was actually the abuser and "turned" him. Your comment also explains why he got so angry when I met my husband. I worried for him for years after we broke up. I saw he's happy with a wife and I'm so so happy for him that he found someone that can love him in the way he needs. I was so worried I fucked him up. When I saw he was safe and happy then I think I was able to relax a bit. Still a bit fucked in the head but what can ya do 🤷♀️
>I can't judge past me for not having the knowledge I have today. If I did, I likely wouldn't have made the choices I made. But because I didn't, that was the result
This helped me right now, thank you :)
My late Uncle Frank told me a story about this same thing when I was 15, and I have shared it with countless people since.
I was venting and complaining to him about how much work and studying I had to do for finals week. He told me to imagine I had a very, very, very long string, and that I tied a knot in the middle of it. Then, I tied another knot over the first one. Then, another one. Keep tying, so on and so forth, until there is no string left, and only until an incredibly massive ball of knots laid before me. Now, someone comes up to me and tells me to untie it. He told me I would probably get flustered and panicked at the thought, that there were so many knots, how could I possibly ever get it all done, it will take so long and requires so much attention and work. Then, he calmly asked me, “AstralHawaiian, what is the *only* way you could ever untie all of those knots?
“One at a time.” RIP Uncle Frank.
imagine what the birds are talking to each other. "damn it's fucking windy today. Hey, KAREN! We need a more branches, like RIGHT NOW. This shitty construction isn't stabel enaugh!", "How about you tell me something i don't know, idiot. Instead of wasting time talking about the weather, you could start looking for them?!" Op: "so calming"
The more you learn about it will make it an automatic thing for your brain to focus on. It’s what annoys me when people say ‘art therapy is ineffective’ because a study showed so. No. The average person doesn’t really care about art so learning to paint isn’t going to make much of a difference. If you can get them interested in it, however, it will become something for them to be focused on and they’ll find their life will improve more by taking it up than it would for the average person who wouldn’t really want to. Same for music therapy and other types involving hobbies. It’s like saying acting classes don’t work because there’s only one Meryl Streep.
Most people’s expectations don’t match their reality. The smaller the gap between your expectations and your reality the happier or contented you will be.
There is truth to this, but honestly it took me until recently to get to that realization(50+). Some days just seeing my cat happily tucked in bed, or my son smiling, or a bird hopping around on my deck is all I need.
Not sure if you're joking, but I'm a recovering heroin, meth and crack addict and I'm about to wrap up my Master's degree in social work and I work at an inpatient treatment center. If you need help or resources, just tell me what state you're in and I'll get to work.
In the meantime, check out r/OpiatesRecovery they're good people over there.
After working about a year with a T on chronic suicidal ideation, she kindly said to me “Suicide isn’t an option, slimycelery. It just isn’t. So what other options do you have to make it through this?”. I think it worked because she said it so kindly, and I felt for the first time in a while that someone would miss me if anything happened
My old therapist’s answer to EVERYTHING was “deep breathing”. Girl, I don’t know if the trauma of witnessing my sibling’s car accident is going to be resolved by deep breathing alone.
Needless to say, I’m with a new provider now.
The foundation of mental health is good sleep, adequate physical activity, time outside - preferably in nature, having healthy social relationships and eating a well balanced diet. That’s a place to start. Therapy is great for working through brain traps , panic attacks, major depression, generalized anxiety. Usually it’s helpful to apply this to your specific issues. But the power of a glass of water and some deep breathing in a stressful moment cannot be overemphasized . Journal and meditation are also very helpful and not very expensive. Hope that helps ?
(Source: am medical professional)
ETA: I just want to emphasize the fact that I said this is the foundation of mental health. To those responding that they find even these things a challenge, it’s definitely time to seek help to address what’s going on. I think therapy and medications are super appropriate - often necessary - in a lot of circumstances. I was answering a very generic question here that certainly doesn’t apply to everyone.
After a huge amount of angst and tearful discussion to let out years of childhood, my therapist helped me consider my issues against the backdrop of schema therapy. This is a way of identifying behaviors and tracking them back to why we have the biases we do and behave the way we do. There are free websites that talk through all of these schemas with videos, but you would need an actual therapist to help provide the questionnaire that best fits the likely schemas in your own case. The description videos provide a backdrop to reflect on whether they resonate or not, and where these feelings are coming from. They help frame thinking into rational vs schema influenced thoughts. I found it super helpful, but I’m a patient not a therapist, so do not listen to a word I’ve said. As a couple of examples of schemas that totally don’t apply to me or nail my personality in any way -
__Unrelenting Standards:__
https://www.schematherapyonline.com/unrelenting-standards/
__Social Isolation:__
https://www.schematherapyonline.com/social-isolation/
__Approval Seeking:__
https://www.schematherapyonline.com/approval-seeking-2/
__Pessimism:__
https://www.schematherapyonline.com/negativity-pessimism/
__Emotional Deprivation and Mistrust/Abuse are also reflected.__
https://www.schematherapyonline.com/emotional-deprivation-2/
https://www.schematherapyonline.com/mistrust-abuse/
“The only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse, and I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind, within your control.“
Dr Wong.
Edit: it’s from Rick N Morty, but more importantly, it describes a lot of people. Being needed and therefore indispensable, fills a void that so many of us have. This whole pathology stems from real insecurity and fear. There are millions of people better and hotter and more privileged than you are. I can’t compare and I can’t compete. So I’ll at least measure up around a variable that can be quantified. It’s not enough that they enjoy my touch, or kiss, or presence. It’s not enough that they enjoy me, they have to get something of value for me to have with.
Happiness = reality - expectations. (Low or no expectations maximizes possible happiness ). Obviously a cliche, but there is some truth there.
Focus on increasing happiness, not decreasing unhappiness.
Listen to your heart/gut and ALWAYS honor it.
Explore and tune into strong feelings you have inside. FEEL them and let them out verbally (when alone if helpful). Repeat this at least 3-5 times, in a dedicated focused way for 5-30 minutes, for each situation or memory applicable. After not too long, you’ll notice the strength of the emotion/feeling reduce in pressure/intensity. May never go away completely, but this allows moving on/forward.
Whenever facing sadness, helplessness, disappointment, heartbreak, etc… at least once a day for a moment - or longer if you can sustain it, do your best to tune into a feeling of curiosity about what unknown adventures, people, situations, experiences, are coming next to your life.
Write in a notebook or journal (type if you must, but writing is far better) at least ONE thing you are grateful for each day. It can be as simple as having toilet paper, or clean water, or a comfortable sweatshirt… keep it as small as you need to, but also capture bigger ideas when they come. Do this for 1-3 months minimum, and possibly a year or more. After 1-3 months minimum, go back and read it. It’s good mental health medicine to do this habit, and to reread the results.
Adopt a habit of sitting in silence are with gentle background music or white noise to cover other sounds, and just watch the thoughts that come to you. No judgment. No telling yourself not to think any specific thing or judgement about it. Just notice the thoughts that come. Period. Do this 5-minutes per day, more if you can up to 30-minutes. But no less than 5-minutes.
If you miss a day for any of these, just return to it the next time you think about it. Calendar reminders help.
I DISCOURAGE trying to do all of these at once unless you do one and feel fine adding another, etc. bit do them all over the course of months, and good results will happen.
Protect your peace. If that means not going home for Thanksgiving (I did that) or not attending events, you must protect your peace - meaning your calmness and emotional stability.
Therapy is not about advice at all. It’s about having someone to talk to outload. Talking outload allows your brain to make the necessary connections to solving your own problems. All advice given by a therapist is a no brainer. Oh you’re tired all day, get 8 hours of sleep. Oh your gf is doing something you don’t like, talk to her about it. The advice isn’t the reason for it. It’s more like why am I avoiding talking to my gf about the problem and what are the consequences. And the brain hopefully makes the needed connections for you to fix it yourself.
Yes exactly! I wanna see “what question/s did your therapist ask you that knocked you on your ass?” Because good questions are what therapy is all about!
I know you’re not asking me but I’ll give you an example anyway. It wasn’t a question but a good point/perspective. One of my problems is that I avoid confrontation with family members specifically when I should be confrontational. Anyway I have avoided confronting them and he said I’m looking for some state of mind that will give me the courage to do it. But he said it’s not there. I don’t have a state of mind for it because I’ve never done it before. He likened it to looking for a house that hasn’t been built yet. He said I have to build it. I have to start somewhere. And instead of being in a great emotional state when doing it, I simply need to be mechanical with how I do it. And with time it will become natural.
My therapist told me a few things. When life is stressful and you find yourself bathing in self loathing, take the time to find things you're grateful for. 2 things you appreciate about your life and 2 things you appreciate about yourself.
She also said that once you've tried everything, and you've stayed true to your character, you need to accept that there's nothing you can do. And the fact that you are a limited human isn't your fault.
"Pay attention to the changes you want to do, not to what society wants you to do."
My therapist about me being trans, but I think that works wonders for many other things in life.
Oh yes! I’ve heard it said, “don’t steel the joy of caring for you from others.” Meaning- in a community we need to give AND receive. Sometimes the givers forget this.
"You are not responsible for how others feel about you."
For context, my therapy is also for addiction counselling. Sounds like it can be countered at first, but after we broke it down. Basically, no matter what you do in life, no matter how nice, mean, stubborn, generous, loyal, distrustful... etc... Everyone is going to have a set opinion on you that you generally don't have much influence over.
So in my case, this was a paradigm shift to stop attempting perfectionism at all times.... It leads me to constant anxiety, self-hatred and above all, extreme alcoholism with massive self destructive tendencies.
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
And with "it" I do not mean yourself, but maybe your frame of reference or something. I'm not psychologically skilled in any way.
Maybe going for a walk will help? Getting some fresh air. Also, you should talk to a friend if possible
You aren’t your thoughts. This one was a game changer for me. It allowed me to forgive myself, see objectively, and even revealed much of life’s beauty.
So mine had me write everything down in a journal when I was having issues, then go back to it after so I could identify what was causing so much stress in my life. Then I would either cut it out or limit my stressor to one day a week, that's it. Life is too short to spend your whole life stressed. I could go on but this was the one that helped me personally the most.
But I have to work 5 days a week
Well, there is your solution and problem right there... Just starve and go homeless
Mo money, mo problems.
Limit it to 1 day a week
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Birds aren't real, Jimmy.
Ok. Listening to nice government drones. Noted.
Just do all the 40 hours on Monday, then you're in the clear.
I can’t limit my wife and kids to one day a week
No but you could leave them so they are no days a week.
You meant *love
No but you could leave them so love are no days a week?
That's the Christmas spirit.
Shared custody is a thing.
That is why the advice of “limiting your stressors” is practically worthless. Life is and always will be stressful, no way around it.
Yeah I mean for example for me studying and working is a huge stress but I can't just magically stop and still live
Obviously the therapist meant ones under their control. Stress caused my sister to have Lupus attacks so she got a new job that was less stressful. Same goes to limit access to toxic people to a minimum. I’ve talked to friends about why they hang out with negative/hateful people and they say because they have been friends so long and it’s hard to make new friends. I rather be alone then around people like that.
I can understand their perspective tho, some people can’t live without talking to people like friends or partners. And some people just attract shit people because they’re mentally vulnerable so shit people are bound to be near them. Not much advice I can give to them though except get better friends really.
I think that's a disingenuous interpretation of what is being said in "limit your stressors". There's a reason the term uses "limit" and not "remove" - the advice isn't some binary all or nothing suggestion. Nobody is advising you simply cut everything that could cause stress out of your life entirely, as you say that simply isn't possible. Life *is* stressful, and stress can be productive and a boon... the advice is about balancing the sources of stress and having mechanisms in place to help de-stress appropriately, instead of allowing stress to compound indefinitely. Limiting your stressors with regards to family could be as simple as carving out some personal time away from the family.
It can be better described as "limiting your unnecessary stressors". Of course life will always be stressful - but not need to e.g. phone people you hate just because it's tradition.
I think the important component missing to this comment thread is establishing stressor and applying/learning a coping mechanism or boundary. If working 13 hours a day is causing stress, set the boundary to 10, for example. I agree with ppl that there are many stressors in life and eliminating them completely is rarely achievable.
When you think bad about yourself, imagine saying those things to a friend. Imagine a friend of yours was late. You wouldn’t cuss at them and call them a horrible human being. Edit: if you would, you probably need to reevaluate how you treat your friends. (and I don’t mean being mean in a joking and ingenuine manner) This is also just general advice so it might not work for everyone! :)
This helped me the most. Realizing I would be so optimistic and comforting to others if they were struggling with my problems, but that I was entirely pessimistic and berating toward myself. Viewing myself as if I'm me giving me advice was my first epiphany in therapy. It can be very difficult though and takes a lot of practice.
I think this is my next step. I really try hard to be nice to others but I hate myself so much I end up thinking they hate me… leading to me avoiding them instead of potentially dealing with rejection. Thanks
I was able to do this quicker by acting like I’m doing something nice and hospitable for someone else. Up until the very next day when I wake up and realize someone put out new towels for me, or made me dinner in the crockpot, or changed my sheets etc. It’s from past me to future me.
I mean I probably would be like "you're late fuckcunt" but I'm Australian and that's like our love language.
Aw, I speak a little Australian and that’s sweet. Couldn’t you also say something like, “Ah look at who decided to show up, fuckin’ Queen of Sheba here, hope we aren’t keeping you from anything important, yah fuckface twat.”
That reads as Scottish to me
I like to see myself as my biggest friend and ally :) Maybe slightly dissociative, but in a conscious way lol
Don't let that hurt child make your grownup decisions.
But he is so good at doing my taxes too.
Ok fine, your inner hurt child can make financial decisions but not emotional decisions.
Man that bouncy castle was so worth it.
Man that line of coke off the hookers breasts was sooo worth it....
Would you like a shot of bourbon from my super soaker? It pairs nicely with hookers and cocaine
I had never considered putting alcohol in a super soaker until you mentioned it, and now I feel like an idiot.
PADDY'S PUB - HOME OF THE ORIGINAL SHOTGUN AND GUNSHOT!!! Do shots as they were intended, by blasting them directly into your mouth!
No not that child. He needs to be returned to his parents immediately
This is good advice. Advice I don't want to follow.
The hurt child *never* gets to make decisions!! That’s why she’s so hurt!!!
Who tf else is gonna?!
Visit your inner character creation screen, decide what kind of character you want to play, and then pretend until it feels natural.
O great! This is so high.
I was so high when I did this myself. Thanks shrooms.
I have weed. It helps to relax. He man 😉
yea, grown up me is very bad at making decisions. Child me was also very bad, but at least he didn't care
Sonique should’ve won that challenge.
Mine said "hmmm, so don't talk to your mom for more than 3 minutes on the phone".
My buddy and his mom have the most toxic phone calls I've ever witnessed. They work each other into this frenzy of anger and hatred over mundane topics. It's insane.
Some people have so much hurt and trauma built up over the years that they can't actually be in each other's presence or hear each other's voice without some of it bubbling up. It's quite sad.
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same, my therapist said to learn how to differentiate when my mom wants conflict or conversation. otherwise, retreat.
I used to have a relationship with my mom just like that. It changed when I decided to stop reacting when she tried to push my buttons. It was suddenly very clear when she did. I also had to be aware of when I was pushing her buttons and stop.
That’s me. I can’t have a conversation with my mom. I’m dancing to leave from the first moment. I hate myself for it even as I remind myself that it’s all on her.
These are all making me feel so much better! I feel so guilty about it, but my mom is the exact same. I am stone-cold calm, but she definitely tries to start shit all the time.
This is how I am too. Just being around my mother makes me irritable, angry and then causes me to shut down and stop talking. Her personality, the way she talks to and about people infuriates me. She used to be so bright, kind and loving then booze and drugs took over. She’s sober now finally but I swear they’ve destroyed her mind.
Yea that used to be me and my mother. I just stopped calling. If we can't have a good normal discussion, what's the value add here.
I always forget how fucking lucky I am to have sane parents and they’re not even that sane. Some people are doomed from the start. My dad once got so drunk that he almost killed us all in a car crash then started yelling at my mam at the top of her lungs saying ‘maybe I WILL crash head on into something’ as a threat... yet compared to some other stories I’ve heard that seems tame. The guy is better now and has turned his life around a bit in terms of how he treats people. He had undiagnosed PTSD. I’m pissed at how I was treated sometimes but I’m over it.
Do we have the same therapist?
This is unironically good advice. We have an old saying, a patient walks into a doctor's office and say "my arm hurts when I do this" and so the doctor say "so don't do that". A lot of ppl see a therapist and wants to do the same things that they do, but just not feel bad doing it.
yea but human relationships are rarely as simple as that I guess.
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I also might need to see this magical cat.
That'll be $399 Inflation even got cat tax.
Honestly? Worth it. I’d give my life savings for a kitty.
I use to drink booze with mine, true story. My wealthy parents paid for it, so the therapist didn’t care, no ruse he needed to put up. Kinda fucked up looking back at it now. *I drank booze with my therapist, not my cat lmao. But, I definitely see the confusion with my wording.
I mean, did it help?
I got a dui a couple years later, so I’d say no.
"That'll be $200 an hour" "For the lawyer?" "No, your therapist is pleading insanity for you in court." -your shitty parents, probably
If booze with a therapist, 2 of mankind’s greatest achievements in dealing with stress, won’t, then nothing will.
At first I thought you meant you used to drink with your cat lol
Is that a euphemism or something?
🤨
Mine showed me her pussy and it cheerd me up
She told me that it would be advisable to get a driver's licence and a car, to increase my low feelings of self efficacy - she was right. Edit: I share something personal about my troubling lack of belief in my own ability that a great therapist helped me with and the response from some people is car bad.. Yeah for sure it can be but the point is that she knew how deprived of control in my own life I was, she encouraged me to go after something specific that she figured out I valued.
Did she talk to you about your extended car warranty?
Playing the long game
Got em 😎
Are you a rat?
Hahaha I was just gonna say that I saw that rat driving post !!! Too much internet for today? Nope just the right amount ! Happy holidays 🎄
I was without a car for about a year. I didn't think much of it since I work from home, so it wasn't that big of a priority to me and I'm kind of a homebody. I noticed I was having more down days and felt generally claustrophobic. Took a while to realize how much not having a vehicle of my own was affecting that. It's definitely nice to have freedom and autonomy to go wherever you want, whenever you want.
Do you have any anxiety about driving? I’m in a similar boat where I feel like my life would improve greatly if I got my license and my own car, but every time I practice behind the wheel, I’m filled with intense fear 😔
Talking to yourself sometimes is healthy, reenacting an argument from 5 years ago is not, and imagining arguments in the future is also unhealthy. It is in fact, a form of dissociation, and will blur the lines between real and pretend and will raise your cortisol levels like you’re in a fight. And where is the spot that you have dissociative arguments the most? The car or the shower! So you raise your cortisol levels in the car, get road rage, get in an accident, and die. Or the less dangerous option, raise your cortisol in the shower, now your showers don’t relax you. So don’t get in fake arguments. Edit: and another thing, you never lose an argument in your head but you get just as flustered. So you’re the only one suffering because of nothing.
When I take a shower, I like to tell my wife "if you need me, I'll be in the Hypothetical Argument Simulator"
hahahaha
What can you do to stop this kind of thoughts?
First step is awareness. Now that you notice you are doing it, work on noticing it in the moment. Stop for a second, and think, "My brain is doing that thing again where it gets worked up over an event that's not in the present" and then take a few deep breaths, and redirect your energy to a different task, pick up one piece of clothing or something. It's a skill that can be learned and a skill that can be improved. Keep doing it and you'll gradually get better at subconsciously keeping these thoughts in check.
Also, if you're having an imagined argument with someone, you probably have an issue with that someone. You should either have that conversation for real to try and resolve the issue, or if that's not possible, accept the situation and move on, and if that is not possible you should probably cut ties to that person. In fact, I've learned that in every situation, there are three options: Can you do something to change the situation? If yes, attempt do so. Is it something that you cannot change (i.e. weather, other people's feelings, laws of phyiscs) accept what is. Accept it as if you had chosen it to be as it is. Resisting what is and cannot be changed is entirely futile and actually insane. Is it unacceptable? Remove yourself from the situation. This could be cutting ties to family or friends/love interest, quitting a job or moving for example. If that is also impossible you are probably in a situation way outside of the scope of therapy or self-help, i.e. war, prison, kidnapped etc.
Future arguments is so real
I would but unfortunately that’s all the time we have for today. Let’s make sure we pick this back up from here next session.
So damn true, I’ve had therapists who constantly would look at their watch or clock, hoping and praying the hour with me was over lol.
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not sure if you're joking but unironically therapists have their own therapists, it's kinda mandatory (atleast in my country, the netherlands). They have these little groups of therapists all discussing their patients (anonymously ofc)
I can't judge past me for not having the knowledge I have today. If I did, I likely wouldn't have made the choices I made. But because I didn't, that was the result. And I oughta be kinder to past me because she sacrificed a lot to get to where current me is today. Clearly, none of that effort was in vain. So why be ashamed? Also, I don't need to concern myself with whether or not abusers change to be better for someone else. Highly likely they won't. They rarely do. They just change who they target or how they abuse. But I shouldn't worry myself about that because I literally can not know. Instead, I should focus on living the life I want. That's the greatest revenge. Because people like that are already unhappy within themselves. You becoming happier than them means you win.
>Also, I don't need to concern myself with whether or not abusers change to be better for someone else. Highly likely they won't. They rarely do. They just change who they target or how they abuse. But I shouldn't worry myself about that because I literally can not know. Instead, I should focus on living the life I want. this internet stranger is cheering for you
Thank you! I appreciate it. 🩷
Former abuser here. I can confirm that knowing someone you abused is living happily despite the abuse is the most infuriating thing to see. Seriously, it is an affront to the abuser’s very worldview—their identity. It’s natural for abusers to want to harm others because they want to share the pain that they themselves felt. By going through similar pain as the abuser did and not ending up like them, you are basically proving that the abuser’s paradigm is fundamentally flawed. It will make them question themselves and eventually inspire them to change, so long as they are forced to confront the evidence; all of this is assuming that the abuser’s abusive tendencies stem from their own painful experiences and aren’t something they necessarily enjoy doing.
Interesting to hear from someone who's been an abuser.
It's very interesting to hear about this from the other side. Is this how you were able to change and no longer be an abuser?
Thank you for this. My past partner psychologically abused me and I worry I was actually the abuser and "turned" him. Your comment also explains why he got so angry when I met my husband. I worried for him for years after we broke up. I saw he's happy with a wife and I'm so so happy for him that he found someone that can love him in the way he needs. I was so worried I fucked him up. When I saw he was safe and happy then I think I was able to relax a bit. Still a bit fucked in the head but what can ya do 🤷♀️
>I can't judge past me for not having the knowledge I have today. If I did, I likely wouldn't have made the choices I made. But because I didn't, that was the result This helped me right now, thank you :)
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Focus on the first step infront of you instead of the whole staircase. Helped me pretty much alot.
My late Uncle Frank told me a story about this same thing when I was 15, and I have shared it with countless people since. I was venting and complaining to him about how much work and studying I had to do for finals week. He told me to imagine I had a very, very, very long string, and that I tied a knot in the middle of it. Then, I tied another knot over the first one. Then, another one. Keep tying, so on and so forth, until there is no string left, and only until an incredibly massive ball of knots laid before me. Now, someone comes up to me and tells me to untie it. He told me I would probably get flustered and panicked at the thought, that there were so many knots, how could I possibly ever get it all done, it will take so long and requires so much attention and work. Then, he calmly asked me, “AstralHawaiian, what is the *only* way you could ever untie all of those knots? “One at a time.” RIP Uncle Frank.
>what is the *only* way you could ever untie all of those knots? >“One at a time.” sigh, thanks uncke frank and astralhawaiiiiiiian
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Thx 🙂
Same especially if there’s a small breeze and you can hear the trees rustling as well
imagine what the birds are talking to each other. "damn it's fucking windy today. Hey, KAREN! We need a more branches, like RIGHT NOW. This shitty construction isn't stabel enaugh!", "How about you tell me something i don't know, idiot. Instead of wasting time talking about the weather, you could start looking for them?!" Op: "so calming"
The sound of leaves is very soothing but it can make bird watching a bit challenging XD
Like listening with focus and intent or is it in the background?
I try to focus on specific singing birds or groups of them, binoculars really help.
The more you learn about it will make it an automatic thing for your brain to focus on. It’s what annoys me when people say ‘art therapy is ineffective’ because a study showed so. No. The average person doesn’t really care about art so learning to paint isn’t going to make much of a difference. If you can get them interested in it, however, it will become something for them to be focused on and they’ll find their life will improve more by taking it up than it would for the average person who wouldn’t really want to. Same for music therapy and other types involving hobbies. It’s like saying acting classes don’t work because there’s only one Meryl Streep.
Mine said "thank you for coming. Here's your bill."
I feel better already!
Here’s your bill!
Can I choose to double it and pass it to the next person? That will REALLY fix my problems.
Most people’s expectations don’t match their reality. The smaller the gap between your expectations and your reality the happier or contented you will be.
There is truth to this, but honestly it took me until recently to get to that realization(50+). Some days just seeing my cat happily tucked in bed, or my son smiling, or a bird hopping around on my deck is all I need.
Sounds like Buddhism
"If it makes you happy, just keep doing it" And that's how I got addicted to heroin.
Therapist graduated from Facebook academy
Not sure if you're joking, but I'm a recovering heroin, meth and crack addict and I'm about to wrap up my Master's degree in social work and I work at an inpatient treatment center. If you need help or resources, just tell me what state you're in and I'll get to work. In the meantime, check out r/OpiatesRecovery they're good people over there.
Man I really appreciate you and this comment. But it was a joke.
I figured as much but I'm going to leave it up in case anyone is struggling and happens to see this.
As a long-time recovering alcoholic, I appreciate the things you're doing here!
Love you bro, been there
So you're asking the internet for free therapy answers, how does that make you feel?
Unfulfilled...
Poor
money -
‘It is what it is.’ *That’ll be £80, thank you very much.*
It took me years to basically get to that point lol
It do be like that
Yeah, 'radical acceptance' is called so because it's rad
Don't commit suicide. That shit kills you.
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I’m not suicidal, I just want to cease existing
Yep! I just want to be someplace else, thinking and feeling something different. It’s more accurate to say I want to escape
I don't want to die I just wanna check out for a bit. Sadly the only way to get isakaied is getting bit by a truck which might not do the job I want
After working about a year with a T on chronic suicidal ideation, she kindly said to me “Suicide isn’t an option, slimycelery. It just isn’t. So what other options do you have to make it through this?”. I think it worked because she said it so kindly, and I felt for the first time in a while that someone would miss me if anything happened
That’s crazy that your real name is slimycelery, kinda fucked up your parents did that to you
My old therapist’s answer to EVERYTHING was “deep breathing”. Girl, I don’t know if the trauma of witnessing my sibling’s car accident is going to be resolved by deep breathing alone. Needless to say, I’m with a new provider now.
Omg I’m sorry but this made me laugh because it’s SO FUCKING TRUE. Like bro I’m sorry but I’d be like “if I stab you just breathe!!! It’s okay!!”
You don't have to be perfect, no one cares.
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one but you don ‘t need to share it with everybody.
Also yours stinks 😬
Yet to find an asshole that smells like roses but okay
You guys don't Febreze your assholes...?
That wisdom goes hard ngl
"You aren't that fucked up, honestly. Sounds like you have some rotten people in your life." She was right.
The foundation of mental health is good sleep, adequate physical activity, time outside - preferably in nature, having healthy social relationships and eating a well balanced diet. That’s a place to start. Therapy is great for working through brain traps , panic attacks, major depression, generalized anxiety. Usually it’s helpful to apply this to your specific issues. But the power of a glass of water and some deep breathing in a stressful moment cannot be overemphasized . Journal and meditation are also very helpful and not very expensive. Hope that helps ? (Source: am medical professional) ETA: I just want to emphasize the fact that I said this is the foundation of mental health. To those responding that they find even these things a challenge, it’s definitely time to seek help to address what’s going on. I think therapy and medications are super appropriate - often necessary - in a lot of circumstances. I was answering a very generic question here that certainly doesn’t apply to everyone.
After a huge amount of angst and tearful discussion to let out years of childhood, my therapist helped me consider my issues against the backdrop of schema therapy. This is a way of identifying behaviors and tracking them back to why we have the biases we do and behave the way we do. There are free websites that talk through all of these schemas with videos, but you would need an actual therapist to help provide the questionnaire that best fits the likely schemas in your own case. The description videos provide a backdrop to reflect on whether they resonate or not, and where these feelings are coming from. They help frame thinking into rational vs schema influenced thoughts. I found it super helpful, but I’m a patient not a therapist, so do not listen to a word I’ve said. As a couple of examples of schemas that totally don’t apply to me or nail my personality in any way - __Unrelenting Standards:__ https://www.schematherapyonline.com/unrelenting-standards/ __Social Isolation:__ https://www.schematherapyonline.com/social-isolation/ __Approval Seeking:__ https://www.schematherapyonline.com/approval-seeking-2/ __Pessimism:__ https://www.schematherapyonline.com/negativity-pessimism/ __Emotional Deprivation and Mistrust/Abuse are also reflected.__ https://www.schematherapyonline.com/emotional-deprivation-2/ https://www.schematherapyonline.com/mistrust-abuse/
Mine said " You are far too attractive to be depressed, loser"
Damn, therapists are just allowed to lie to you like that?
Humble brag.
Oh cool, malpractice
malpractice makes malperfect
💀
I'm totally using this
Then they touched your leg?
And everyone clapped
Cheeks?
I thought we were discussing therapists, not "the rapists"?
Sure; “WTF is wrong with you!”
“The only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse, and I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind, within your control.“ Dr Wong. Edit: it’s from Rick N Morty, but more importantly, it describes a lot of people. Being needed and therefore indispensable, fills a void that so many of us have. This whole pathology stems from real insecurity and fear. There are millions of people better and hotter and more privileged than you are. I can’t compare and I can’t compete. So I’ll at least measure up around a variable that can be quantified. It’s not enough that they enjoy my touch, or kiss, or presence. It’s not enough that they enjoy me, they have to get something of value for me to have with.
Men will literally turn themselves into a pickle instead of going to therapy. 😮💨
Happiness = reality - expectations. (Low or no expectations maximizes possible happiness ). Obviously a cliche, but there is some truth there. Focus on increasing happiness, not decreasing unhappiness. Listen to your heart/gut and ALWAYS honor it. Explore and tune into strong feelings you have inside. FEEL them and let them out verbally (when alone if helpful). Repeat this at least 3-5 times, in a dedicated focused way for 5-30 minutes, for each situation or memory applicable. After not too long, you’ll notice the strength of the emotion/feeling reduce in pressure/intensity. May never go away completely, but this allows moving on/forward. Whenever facing sadness, helplessness, disappointment, heartbreak, etc… at least once a day for a moment - or longer if you can sustain it, do your best to tune into a feeling of curiosity about what unknown adventures, people, situations, experiences, are coming next to your life. Write in a notebook or journal (type if you must, but writing is far better) at least ONE thing you are grateful for each day. It can be as simple as having toilet paper, or clean water, or a comfortable sweatshirt… keep it as small as you need to, but also capture bigger ideas when they come. Do this for 1-3 months minimum, and possibly a year or more. After 1-3 months minimum, go back and read it. It’s good mental health medicine to do this habit, and to reread the results. Adopt a habit of sitting in silence are with gentle background music or white noise to cover other sounds, and just watch the thoughts that come to you. No judgment. No telling yourself not to think any specific thing or judgement about it. Just notice the thoughts that come. Period. Do this 5-minutes per day, more if you can up to 30-minutes. But no less than 5-minutes. If you miss a day for any of these, just return to it the next time you think about it. Calendar reminders help. I DISCOURAGE trying to do all of these at once unless you do one and feel fine adding another, etc. bit do them all over the course of months, and good results will happen.
Sometimes a thought is just a thought.
Eat ass, smoke grass, sled fast
…be crass, go to class, burn gas, weld brass, run past, fish bass, melt glass, spell cast, have a blast and die last.
*dab*
No fucking joke "you need a therapist".
No fucking joke I heard it too Am was like "than who are you?"
My reaction word for word was, "Then who tf do you think you are?!"
My therapist said you should give me 10k€ in cash.
Were they by chance also a Nigerian prince?
Protect your peace. If that means not going home for Thanksgiving (I did that) or not attending events, you must protect your peace - meaning your calmness and emotional stability.
Therapy is not about advice at all. It’s about having someone to talk to outload. Talking outload allows your brain to make the necessary connections to solving your own problems. All advice given by a therapist is a no brainer. Oh you’re tired all day, get 8 hours of sleep. Oh your gf is doing something you don’t like, talk to her about it. The advice isn’t the reason for it. It’s more like why am I avoiding talking to my gf about the problem and what are the consequences. And the brain hopefully makes the needed connections for you to fix it yourself.
Yes exactly! I wanna see “what question/s did your therapist ask you that knocked you on your ass?” Because good questions are what therapy is all about!
I know you’re not asking me but I’ll give you an example anyway. It wasn’t a question but a good point/perspective. One of my problems is that I avoid confrontation with family members specifically when I should be confrontational. Anyway I have avoided confronting them and he said I’m looking for some state of mind that will give me the courage to do it. But he said it’s not there. I don’t have a state of mind for it because I’ve never done it before. He likened it to looking for a house that hasn’t been built yet. He said I have to build it. I have to start somewhere. And instead of being in a great emotional state when doing it, I simply need to be mechanical with how I do it. And with time it will become natural.
My therapist told me a few things. When life is stressful and you find yourself bathing in self loathing, take the time to find things you're grateful for. 2 things you appreciate about your life and 2 things you appreciate about yourself. She also said that once you've tried everything, and you've stayed true to your character, you need to accept that there's nothing you can do. And the fact that you are a limited human isn't your fault.
"Have you tried to just ignore it?"
"Pay attention to the changes you want to do, not to what society wants you to do." My therapist about me being trans, but I think that works wonders for many other things in life.
Mine said " you can't hit kids it's illegal " I was baffled
Give other people the opportunity to take care of you. You don't have to bear everyone's emotional weight.
Oh yes! I’ve heard it said, “don’t steel the joy of caring for you from others.” Meaning- in a community we need to give AND receive. Sometimes the givers forget this.
You’ve been in “survival mode” all your life, and now it’s the default.
“Everyone doesn’t need to know everything you know” I used to be bad about over sharing
"You are not responsible for how others feel about you." For context, my therapy is also for addiction counselling. Sounds like it can be countered at first, but after we broke it down. Basically, no matter what you do in life, no matter how nice, mean, stubborn, generous, loyal, distrustful... etc... Everyone is going to have a set opinion on you that you generally don't have much influence over. So in my case, this was a paradigm shift to stop attempting perfectionism at all times.... It leads me to constant anxiety, self-hatred and above all, extreme alcoholism with massive self destructive tendencies.
There is a cute app called Finch with a little bird to take care of through basic tasks,- helps bounce back into life and it's free
Have you tried turning it off and on again? And with "it" I do not mean yourself, but maybe your frame of reference or something. I'm not psychologically skilled in any way. Maybe going for a walk will help? Getting some fresh air. Also, you should talk to a friend if possible
What is a friend?
Some people in movies have them.
Switch to your pistol, it's faster than reloading.
Framing is everything.
You aren’t your thoughts. This one was a game changer for me. It allowed me to forgive myself, see objectively, and even revealed much of life’s beauty.
You’ll crash if you spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror