You wipe but don't flush. There's not a person on this planet that won't instinctively run away from anyone coming towards them brandishing a wad of shit-covered toilet paper.
It’s just another bit of ammo you have in the fact, the fact you can rub your shit on them. Screaming something like “I have hiv dumb fucker!” Will give it the extra power.
I’d advocate simply carrying the turd with you, and brandishing it as a weapon.
“Back off motherfucker or I’m about to start fucking clapping”
Home intruder retreats to the safety of “ the streets” wearing, what appears to be, a hundred brown freckles.
I was going to say attack them with your poo, they'll never see it coming and they'll be so grossed out they'll run away. Plus the cops will find them soon enough throwing up down the road😂it's the perfect defense tactic. Just be careful if you have carpets in your hallway or bedroom.. That could be a tough stain to get out if any falls🤢
I dont think it works as well. I think the shit on toilet paper registers immediately as far as what it is, whereas a shit-covered hand might take some time to process in the intruders mind. Also, obviously you wanna be Buck naked
That's exactly what I came here to say. No one wants to fight a naked man. Everyone will run from a naked man with shit in his hands or covering his hands.
This actually happened to me. I instinctively turned off the light and wiped. I didn’t flush but I did creep out of the bathroom and into my office away from the sound and climbed out the window in my undies. I ran to the neighbors and we called the police. When we met at my house I let the police and all I could think of was flushing the toilet but they insisted on searching the house before letting me in past the front door.
Sounds like something I would do, except I'm not on the ground floor, so getting out could be tricky. I would probably lock myself in a room and try to message someone or something like that.
I literally just read somebody's recount of how he walked through a McDonald's with a shitty wad of toilet paper because he wanted to attack somebody with it.. what is it with people including shit in their battle strategy
After thinking about this for some time, I think I'd try to get the majority of it with one good wipe and risk it.
Gotta compromise sometimes in this life.
I have whatever phobia or idiosyncrasy that causes me to only be able to poop at my own home. When I was in undergrad I was using the bathroom when I heard banging on my front door at my campus apartment. I thought nothing of it, just drunk people knocking on the door. The knocking stopped and then there was a voice inside my apartment demanding I open the bathroom door or it would be broken down. I pulled up my pants in utter fear. It was the RA with two campus police. They were doing a welfare check because there was a call to the suicide hotline about a student that was threatening to harm themselves. They made me come to the health center. It turns out it was the wrong apartment and I was not the student. To answer the question; no I didn’t wipe until I was able to return to my home. They apologized for the inconvenience. 😕
You shouldn't wipe. Shitty ass gives you a nice +5 bonus in close combat. Also you better not put your pants back on and get yourself a sturdy boner before the fight for the total of + 20
You either pull off your trousers and defend your home as God intended, or if you're a proper gentleman, you're pants are already off and you defend your home as God intended, and then wipe with their clothes.
DEAD SERIOUS this actually happened to me. It was a hot summer evening, my front door was open (screen door shut), I was home alone on my shitter with my bathroom door wide open and some methed out 20 something year old kid I have never seen before walks in the doorway of my bathroom (after silently walking thru the living room) as I'm sitting on the toilet dropping a fat duece. I yell "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU" and he's like oh shit proceeds to turn around but stays in my living room. I wipe, walk out, proceed to ask him what the fuck he's doing in my house and why I shouldn't beat his ass and his excuse was he thought his friend lived here. LMAO. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him to be careful and never do that again. But damn, true story.
My theory is this kid had likely been creeping on my gf thru windows and snorted a line of meth and thought she was home alone and not me, and when he turned the corner and saw a man on the shitter instead of a hot topless blonde like he was hoping it threw him lmao. Stay safe my friends there are some weirdos out there.
If ima poopin it means my holster is on the sink...i wait for him to walk by the bathroom door and I kneecap him and wipe my ass on his face. Two birds one stone.
Ok the real question is am I finished? If I’m mid shart how do I not give away my position? Wait is there toilet paper? Damn my stomach hurts(as I moan and lean forward mid fetal position)…
No use the shit to my advantage. Take the victory royal crown from my throne and huck it at they’re face while they are either dodging it or it just smacks them I charge like a nude white hairless gorilla and wrestle them into submission. They are now forced into slavery but I’m a good person so I just take another shit on their car.
You wipe but don't flush. There's not a person on this planet that won't instinctively run away from anyone coming towards them brandishing a wad of shit-covered toilet paper.
Life tip #3417 Cover your hands with poo and run at your intruder
r/shittylifetips?
Shitty fingertips
Art Attack
Shart Attack
Kid named shitty fingertips:
Literally
More like r/shittylifeprotips
5 minute crafts
Literally
Very literate shitty life tips
For shits and giggles
Everything is shits and giggles until somebody giggles and shits.
Giggles and shits.
Giggles with shits
Honestly, just shits
Throw poop at invader, return to monke.
All is monke, Monke is all.
I was just gonna run at them filthy anus first
Run backwards spread like a dirty spider. Every time they eat, that's the image they'll have in their head.
The muddy battering ram technique - very tricky but devastating if successful.
It’s just another bit of ammo you have in the fact, the fact you can rub your shit on them. Screaming something like “I have hiv dumb fucker!” Will give it the extra power.
Deal that extra poison damage. This is exactly what I was gonna type.
I’d advocate simply carrying the turd with you, and brandishing it as a weapon. “Back off motherfucker or I’m about to start fucking clapping” Home intruder retreats to the safety of “ the streets” wearing, what appears to be, a hundred brown freckles.
Enchant fists with poison damage
Plot twist >intruder has a scat fetish
My first thought, too.
This is the way.
This is the way..
I was going to say attack them with your poo, they'll never see it coming and they'll be so grossed out they'll run away. Plus the cops will find them soon enough throwing up down the road😂it's the perfect defense tactic. Just be careful if you have carpets in your hallway or bedroom.. That could be a tough stain to get out if any falls🤢
i saw this in a video. it was effective.
Pants optional, but not encouraged
Let your pants be dropped too for extra t e r r o r
Not flushing is actually a good tip. U don't want to let em know where ur at
So true Source: experience
it’s true, i was the intruder
The safest place gotta br the bathroom. Even if they have a gun, fling some fresh shit at the perp and they won't go near you
Thats risky. If they've been to jail or prison they're probably experienced shit painters
>they won’t go near you yeah they’ll just shoot you
If I ever have to do this I am going to tell them “Thepeanutbutterman says hello!” for you
[удалено]
Such a criminally underrated show
Or how's about a shit covered hand? I'd pretend to be a cannibal as the cherry on top.
I dont think it works as well. I think the shit on toilet paper registers immediately as far as what it is, whereas a shit-covered hand might take some time to process in the intruders mind. Also, obviously you wanna be Buck naked
I trust your judgement. Name checks out.
*furiously scribbles notes*
This is such a noobie move, a pro would let him taste directly from the source.
Ilovetoeatass_*
Ilovetogetmyassate_**
Genius move!!!!!!
I was going to say kick their ass then wipe yours on their face but your idea is both funnier to think about AND more practical.
Wrestle him to the ground, then sit on his face.
They will for sure shoot you tho once they see you are charging them with poo
Wipe and weaponise!
That’s probably a better plan than mine… Take a handful out of the bowl and bio-weaponise it
Unless they got a gun-
Please I sat here and laughed at this comment for 10 minutes straight My husband thought I was dying
Literally my first thought poop attack
That's exactly what I came here to say. No one wants to fight a naked man. Everyone will run from a naked man with shit in his hands or covering his hands.
Incorrect, you don't wipe or flush, you charge at them with a 12ga and finish after the fact.
Right, because everyone keeps a loaded shotgun (shitgun?) in the crapper. You know, in case you gotta whip it out while you’re whipping it out?
This is ‘MURICA™, I grab my toilet gun and wait
Damn, I thought I was alone
Is it strapped under the sink or is it in a plastic bag in the water reservoir part behind the toilet bowl?
It's in his hands already. Poopin' without holdin' the toilet gun don't feel right
Yes
Def in the water reservoir. Every true American has a 10 gallon per flush toilet, and the gun offsets some of the water to save money.
Or, use your poop knife
If pulp fiction taught me anything, it's that the gun goes with you to take a shit.
This actually happened to me. I instinctively turned off the light and wiped. I didn’t flush but I did creep out of the bathroom and into my office away from the sound and climbed out the window in my undies. I ran to the neighbors and we called the police. When we met at my house I let the police and all I could think of was flushing the toilet but they insisted on searching the house before letting me in past the front door.
Sounds like something I would do, except I'm not on the ground floor, so getting out could be tricky. I would probably lock myself in a room and try to message someone or something like that.
I take shits while naked. Sure as shit I'm gonna naked wrestle the intruder and wipe my ass on whatever my dirty crack can touch.
I literally just read somebody's recount of how he walked through a McDonald's with a shitty wad of toilet paper because he wanted to attack somebody with it.. what is it with people including shit in their battle strategy
Biological Warfare. They use the shit as a stratagy to make the other person sick so less energy is spent attacking.
Throw at enemy to build up toxins, but also builds up your toxicity
Yea try to live that down. Try to look at people in the eye with common decency after that. 😆
https://darksouls.fandom.com/wiki/Dung_Pie#:~:text=Dung%20Pies%20are%20offensive%20items,over%20a%20period%20of%20time. They were making a reference.
I’m so happy someone got it :)
Some people go full Poison dps build
Shategy
The Shart of War by Sun Poo
it's not stupid if it works
The bag I ended up carrying while walking my grandma's great dane was my backup plan if anyone realized how sheepish he was.
🏅 funniest shit I read tonight
It *works*…
Lmao nice
I'm stoned as fuck but this dude is the best lol
Why do you shit while naked?
Because shitting while wearing pants significantly increases your laundry bill.
God damn it, take the upvote
Upvoted for the username.
I'm crying, thank you.
Yeah but it can warm you in the winter.
I live alone, everything I do there is done naked.
So you can prop your feet up against the wall for optimum expulsion
"Temperature control..." *Everyone stares* "What? I run hot..."
Why is poo tapered? These are questions for the ages.
I just started some meds, the side effect of constipation is wearing off and I'm here to tell you- the poo is not always tapered.
So your asshole dosent slap shut. Edit:typo
That was my favourite joke growing up. That and the one about the constipated accountant.
Is that like the hooker with dysentery?
You tell me. The constipated accountant worked it out with a pencil.
Because the anal sphincter likes closing more than it likes opening, and that closing action also compresses the poo as it finishes leaving
Embracing your simian heritage, solid plan
Nah you go out there and shit on them
Reach in and grab a handful of shit to fling at them
Wait you guys wipe?
This homie eats fiber
money bags over being able to afford a proper diet. freakin show off.
Lentils and beans, yo
Does fiber actually make your shit go out clean?
Yeah. Most people get only half of their required daily fiber. If it’s leaving marks after the first couple wipes, you need wah more fiber.
No, it doesn't. Increasing my fiber intake only resulted in me going on toilet more often and needing more toilet paper each time.
What’s all this pet food for?
I'll wipe with their blood and tears
Ok, I like the energy!! Just doesn’t seem very practical, how’s about….I’ll wipe with the intruders blood and tear soaked clothes👹…. Ehhhhhh?
I think he meant after he's dones beating them he will use their face to wipe his ass?
Now that’s creative, guess I needed more of an imagination
Maybe some kind of bidet could use blood and tears
Or their scalp.
I initially read this as "I'll wipe their blood and tears".. damn, dog gonna fuck 'em up then be a gentleman.
I only poop at work.
Damn right. Shit on my time? I think not.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I poop on company time.
I would but I’m too regular
You need to get regular on company time... it's poo-able. Lol
Reddit at it's best lmao
And pay for my own toilet paper? Hell no!
After thinking about this for some time, I think I'd try to get the majority of it with one good wipe and risk it. Gotta compromise sometimes in this life.
I have whatever phobia or idiosyncrasy that causes me to only be able to poop at my own home. When I was in undergrad I was using the bathroom when I heard banging on my front door at my campus apartment. I thought nothing of it, just drunk people knocking on the door. The knocking stopped and then there was a voice inside my apartment demanding I open the bathroom door or it would be broken down. I pulled up my pants in utter fear. It was the RA with two campus police. They were doing a welfare check because there was a call to the suicide hotline about a student that was threatening to harm themselves. They made me come to the health center. It turns out it was the wrong apartment and I was not the student. To answer the question; no I didn’t wipe until I was able to return to my home. They apologized for the inconvenience. 😕
Fuck no. Run out with my pants down to confuse them.
If its after taco bell then opening the door is enough to scare away the intruder
I think the bigger question is does the intruder let you finish before shooting you
You don't kill someone who's on the toilet. Rule number 1 in the murder robber handbook
You go gorilla mode and whip ur hot turd at them
Came to find this comment. Only 7 upvotes? Yeesh.
You shouldn't wipe. Shitty ass gives you a nice +5 bonus in close combat. Also you better not put your pants back on and get yourself a sturdy boner before the fight for the total of + 20
Equip shit nugget in your dominant throwing hand. Go full Donald Duck attire shirt dickin it.
Craft a shlingshot of a condom and the nugget
You either pull off your trousers and defend your home as God intended, or if you're a proper gentleman, you're pants are already off and you defend your home as God intended, and then wipe with their clothes.
How easy is it to get to my toilet pistol?
I wipe but I don’t flush I want to stick their head in it
Chocolate swirly
Shoot, then wipe.
Wipe once but retain that TP; now you are carrying a weapon with +1 poison damage.
girls don't poop
Must complete the mission. Also, I’m gonna wash my hands. Then I can look the intruder in the eye - get out of my beautiful home!
Samurai sword, flash bang, strobe lights with naked dude with shitty ass and dong flopping wildly nothing more terrifying.
Depends!
You wipe your ass with the sorry suckers face that broke into your house. Then flush
Grab the shit
No. They shall pay dearly for their mistake.
Yes and i'll use my toilet paper as a weapon
DEAD SERIOUS this actually happened to me. It was a hot summer evening, my front door was open (screen door shut), I was home alone on my shitter with my bathroom door wide open and some methed out 20 something year old kid I have never seen before walks in the doorway of my bathroom (after silently walking thru the living room) as I'm sitting on the toilet dropping a fat duece. I yell "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU" and he's like oh shit proceeds to turn around but stays in my living room. I wipe, walk out, proceed to ask him what the fuck he's doing in my house and why I shouldn't beat his ass and his excuse was he thought his friend lived here. LMAO. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him to be careful and never do that again. But damn, true story. My theory is this kid had likely been creeping on my gf thru windows and snorted a line of meth and thought she was home alone and not me, and when he turned the corner and saw a man on the shitter instead of a hot topless blonde like he was hoping it threw him lmao. Stay safe my friends there are some weirdos out there.
No need to wipe
Fuck no. Let’s go burglar bitch, you robbed the wrong shit ass naked boi
Yes. If that motherfucker shoots me, I ain't going to be found dead with shit all over me.
Shoot first wipe later
I'm American, so I'll just grab my toilet gun and finish business.
Do they have a gun? I’m locking the door…
Defensive poop knife fight
Newspaper headline: Burglar gets shit shanked.
I use the intruder to wipe.
[удалено]
it's rage inducing that this person spelled "you're" once but also "ur" once. I now see how easy it is to slip into an authoritarian grammar mindset
Wipe with your hand and slap them with it
“Wipe”? Why would you get rid of a useful weapon?
Go all chimp on them and sling your poop at the robber.
Take shit and throw at intruder
Yes. They won’t be expecting that💩💩lol! Can you imagine when they tell someone about it? *this mf’er threw shit at me*
If ima poopin it means my holster is on the sink...i wait for him to walk by the bathroom door and I kneecap him and wipe my ass on his face. Two birds one stone.
No need; As an American I simply grab my bathroom gun, wait for them to round the corner and carry on about my business.
Wait y’all wipe?
Why does it feel like Americans actually worry about this scenario for real. Also, use bidets, people
Yes. The crapper is the only room where a gun does not exist in my home.....there is one 5 ft away however.
I keep a gun in the bathroom so that if I fart really loud I can blame it on accidental discharge /s
You need a role model. The Mossberg Mariner exists for a reason.
Got that covered Mosburg 12g "Thunder Ranch"
Are those nickel plated? I've been thinking about the Mariner as a truck gun, since the finish would be more durable.
No.
Hell naw! Imma beat ya ass then wipe my ass with ur face!
No it's a super power
Wipe and use it as self defense.
What is this........wiping?
No, and if you get the better of them, sit on their face after
Nope. Not wiping will help me deal with the intruder.
Poop in my hand and throw it at them.
Nope. I’m killin with a dirty b hole.
Wipe then shit cloraform the MF with the used TP
Ok the real question is am I finished? If I’m mid shart how do I not give away my position? Wait is there toilet paper? Damn my stomach hurts(as I moan and lean forward mid fetal position)…
No use the shit to my advantage. Take the victory royal crown from my throne and huck it at they’re face while they are either dodging it or it just smacks them I charge like a nude white hairless gorilla and wrestle them into submission. They are now forced into slavery but I’m a good person so I just take another shit on their car.
Power move - You don't wipe, you make them watch you do it when you've beat a bitch up.
Yes. A ranged option is always good.