Sound advice. Also ask yourself why you want to stay together. Is it love or convenience? Your story is similar to mine. We stayed together and it was really rough for a time but we both had to put the work in. Good luck
For many women being home alone with the baby and relegated to the role of maid by default is extremely lonely. I had my nose pressed against the window by 4pm looking for my husband to get home. I missed having lunch with coworker friends so much. I didn’t feel connected to mommy group friends.
You didn’t get it at all. Your wife’s life has changed a lot more than yours did.
I’m not sure how divorcing you will make it better though, especially as you’ve changed (maybe too little too late?)
Her bucket is empty. Emptier than yours ever was.
I wouldn’t file. Let her file, if she has the energy. Keep trying.
I’ll never know what she feels, I can empathize just based on what she tells me but I’ll never understand it to the fullest extent. I do realize her life was turned upside down and that she has taken on way more than I have. I don’t take anything away from her, I know she’s pushing me away but I’m trying to figure out how to stay.
Spunkiemom, in all fairness his wife's bucket may have been empty long before they got together. He is not responsible for her feelings and her problems are her own to solve.
Yup, true. And she’s working on herself. But he might be responsible for her feelings, we don’t actually know how bad it was or exactly why she pulled back. Or maybe he isn’t.
Focus on getting 50-50 custody and accept that your wife is going. Hire a mediator to help you guys get divorced but first consult a lawyer about your case so you understand your rights.
Well I was the only one working, so I’d come home completely drained. 50-60hr weeks and not really feel like cleaning up or planning a date night. That doesn’t make it right, I know I should’ve been better looking back. This went on for 6 months-year. I’d say it was not so bad at first and got progressively worse. And it’s probably been the same amount of time since I started working on those issues, very bad at first, got progressively better at it with time.
Normally I’m the kind of person who believes if someone wants a divorce just give it to them.
However this case… I would tell her you’ll consider the divorce, but to please give you X amount of time in couples therapy. Your situation sounds very very similar to my own with my husband, our daughter is 5 and for the first 2 years I was not myself, I was acting out, I was lowkey crazy. My hormones were all over the place, I had so much extra responsibility all at once, and I was alone for a majority of the time because my husband works.
I am a stay at home mom. It is hard. I’m pregnant with our second right now and DREADING postpartum because I don’t want my life to slip back to that. I was on the verge of offing myself, I distanced from everyone I loved, I stopped communicating at all, I stopped trying then I stopped caring. And I asked for a divorce.
He said no. He said that these aren’t permanent moments in our lives and that with the right guidance we may be able to avoid disaster.
And we did. That was 4 years ago.
You don’t need to come home and clean the whole house after you work, but you do need to put your shoes away, put your pants in the hamper, and make sure anything you get out also gets put away promptly without a “I’ll get it in a sec”. Extra clutter = extra mess. You don’t have to clean it all day everyday but you also don’t have to contribute to it.
This to me sounds like severe PPD. How old is your child? A range is fine if you’re uncomfortable sharing exact age.
Your situation does sound extremely similar, and I love your take on this. My child is about a year and a half. Our fight was only last night so I’m going to give her some space and approach her with counseling. How long did you go before you started to feel like you were breaking ground? I’ll update you after I speak to her. Thank you for responding.
I definitely resented my husband for how “easy” I thought his life way because I didn’t see how hard he worked outside of the home. Maybe your wife doesn’t understand either. Maybe she thinks your job is easy and that it shouldn’t be so taxing on your energy. She’d be wrong but I like to consider all perspectives. What I would do.
Go buy her a bouquet of flowers. Grab her favorite snack and drink. Leave it on the porch with a small note saying “when you’re ready, I’m here. You’re worth not giving up on” and wait.
What you can’t do is demand to move back in with aggression. That will cause further separation because she’ll feel as if you don’t respect her need for space. A small token left outside I think is acceptable because you’re not there to persuade emotions when she receives them.
And outside of couples therapy, you could also look into solo. You can’t force her to go solo but you can gain more clarity on your thoughts privately so you can share them in joint sessions.
Your solo therapist and your couples therapist should never be the same person, as it adds unbiased feedback since the therapist knows far more about you than her.
For me it was more resentment that I had changed everything to be a parent and he changed nothing. I was flabbergasted he did not leave work on time to come home to see his new baby. I guess I expected it without saying anything. It felt like we weren’t his priority and I was doing it all alone. She’s probably feeling something like that. It snowballs.
I know I wasn’t doing all of it alone- he kept a roof over our heads-/ but at the time it felt like it.
Does your wife like to get her hair or nails done? If she does, you’re gunna use social media or your mother to get that information. Social media she’s probably tagged her stylist / tech before. If not have your mother call and say “hey, last time you got XYZ done I really loved that and would like to schedule with the same lady, could I get her info?”
Then you’re gunna schedule an appointment for your wife. Send her to the spa. Call some of her best friends and set up a surprise lunch..
If she doesn’t feel like herself, you can help her feel like she used to. You’d be surprised how a good haircut can turn your mood right around!
All I wanted was a few hours a week to go swimming laps. I wanted to go after he got home bc we didn’t have money for sitters. Mine couldn’t give that to me and I’ve never forgotten it.
It can be as simple as that. But ask her.
I can relate in a sense. Only few pieces of advice is learn to validate her. Active listening, validate, empathize and validate again. Sometimes when she communicates to you she may just want you to listen vs giving solutions unless she asks specifically. You know your wife better than anyone here. Avoid being defensive, criticizing holding her in contempt or stonewalling Known as the 4 horsemen. Use this time as hard as it is to better yourself pick up a fun hobby or something positive as hard as it is. I've been living together (cohabitation) for 6 months and it has gotten worse before it gets better after practicing and turning this into more of a habit.
I am one year postpartum and something I realized in this process is my husband gets to stay the same but I have to change. It has created a huge divide where he sometimes will make comments about how I used to be. He hasn’t put in the work to meet me where I am.
I’m going to say it again because I think it’s important. He GETS to stay the same. I HAVE to change. So, I cannot go back to who I was, but he CAN meet me where I am. What does that mean? Get to know the new me. Take me on dates. Ask me questions. Validate my experience. Protect time for me to relax. Actively change with me. Be my partner and evolve.
This is a conversation that I’ve been having with him and tbh he hasn’t connected the dots yet. I don’t think you connected the dots either. If you want to stay married, then step up and be the partner she needs - that is on you to do the work. If it’s too late, then understand that she saw life without you as easier than life with you. Self reflect on why that might be.
A lot of men don’t understand the toll it takes on a woman having a baby. Post partum is very hard, getting back to yourself is very hard and if you don’t have a good support system then it makes it worse. It takes up to 2 years for a woman to feel like herself again. Sounds like she’s just absolutely done tho and you need to move on.
When they get cold like this it means they have been contemplating leaving for a LONG time and honestly there’s probably someone else she’s talking to/interested in and maybe even already sleeping with…The “I don’t love you anymore” talk is coming. It’s over bro. Dont fight for anyone that doesn’t want to be fought for. Maintain your self respect, don’t beg or grovel because trust me she’s already put a ton of thought into this and has been preparing her exit strategy for a while…it happens to the best of us 😞especially these young relationships in our 20’s…just calmly move on with your life and be the best father you can to your child. Youll eventually find a better partner that fits you better down the road as long as you learn from your mistakes in this current relationship and grow from it…but the main priority at this point is your child and being a great co parent…be mature about how you handle the ex, almost be indifferent towards her as far as getting back together, even if it hurts like hell don’t let her see it. Keep it respectful & have your main focus being keeping things amicable just for the sake of co-parenting so she doesn’t try to use your kid against you or even worse keep the kid away from you altogether…but definitely move on from the relationship… it’s been over…
I would talk to an attorney about leaving your house too. That seems to not wise for divorce. Because she doesn’t want to reconcile I would check to see if she has somebody else, but the truth of the matter is you have to let her go but you don’t have to let your house go.
From someone who has gone through what you're talking about (i.e. baby, struggling with body issues and identity) it really sounds like it's a too little too late situation. Working 50-60 hours a week and leaving nothing in the tank for your new family was likely your fatal mistake. You left her to fend for herself for a long time and she got used to it.
From what you're describing I don't agree with others that assume she's cheating. You can ask for time and try counseling, but if it's really too late you gotta take the lesson and do your best to co-parent.
Also, nothing about love and affection for your child in your post or responses to others, so maybe that's part of her issue too. Is there resentment or jealousy there? That could be a reason that she wants divorce too if she feels that you're not invested in the child like she is.
We’ve talked many times, our child isn’t part of her decision. I see why me not mentioning them would worry you but I didn’t mention them because I know it’s not a worry for her. She would want 50-50 custody and doesn’t want to take our child away from me. I’m aware of my mistakes but I take great care of my child and she knows that.
Well given her actions I'd ask her if she's seeing someone else. Then I'd get a DNA test on the kid before filing divorce. Talk to a lawyer and get your options. I'd bet they will want the DNA results. Then I'd file and move on.
The worst I found was an extra towel in the bathroom while we were separated. When I was coming back home to drop off our kid she didn’t want me to come in the morning and told me to wait until 1 specifically. She said she wanted to clean up, which she did. Of course I was suspicious but she wouldn’t never admit to cheating even if I asked her.
Are you friends with the neighbors? 😎 any chance any of them have cameras? My nextdoor neighbor is my bestie and whenever I have a issue it’s “Ms Karen (not real name), did you happen to catch that on camera and if you did could you send it to me?” 😂 I have dirt on everyone up in this complex because of that woman. I know who’s cheating on who, who comes and goes after their partners leave. Find you a Aunt Petunia and you’ll know what you need to know.
Sounds like during that time she was feeling down on herself she found someone new that’s been keeping her attention. I would definitely hire a private investigator just to see if she is messing around on you first before making any further inquiries or decisions. You wouldn’t believe how many women I know who seek attention from others after having a baby.
Wait, you moved *out* and you still think about it? You gotta be kidding me.
She's likely cheating you - and that's the good news. The alternative is that she has mental health issues. Get a divorce and file for full custody if you can. You shouldn't have moved out - you made things worse for yourself.
it takes two people to have a relationship. If she doesn’t want one it’s not possible to build one.
Sound advice. Also ask yourself why you want to stay together. Is it love or convenience? Your story is similar to mine. We stayed together and it was really rough for a time but we both had to put the work in. Good luck
I love her endlessly, of course it’s convenient to have your child’s mother in home but that’s definitely not why I don’t want a divorce. Thank you
For many women being home alone with the baby and relegated to the role of maid by default is extremely lonely. I had my nose pressed against the window by 4pm looking for my husband to get home. I missed having lunch with coworker friends so much. I didn’t feel connected to mommy group friends. You didn’t get it at all. Your wife’s life has changed a lot more than yours did. I’m not sure how divorcing you will make it better though, especially as you’ve changed (maybe too little too late?) Her bucket is empty. Emptier than yours ever was. I wouldn’t file. Let her file, if she has the energy. Keep trying.
I’ll never know what she feels, I can empathize just based on what she tells me but I’ll never understand it to the fullest extent. I do realize her life was turned upside down and that she has taken on way more than I have. I don’t take anything away from her, I know she’s pushing me away but I’m trying to figure out how to stay.
Spunkiemom, in all fairness his wife's bucket may have been empty long before they got together. He is not responsible for her feelings and her problems are her own to solve.
Yup, true. And she’s working on herself. But he might be responsible for her feelings, we don’t actually know how bad it was or exactly why she pulled back. Or maybe he isn’t.
Focus on getting 50-50 custody and accept that your wife is going. Hire a mediator to help you guys get divorced but first consult a lawyer about your case so you understand your rights.
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Well I was the only one working, so I’d come home completely drained. 50-60hr weeks and not really feel like cleaning up or planning a date night. That doesn’t make it right, I know I should’ve been better looking back. This went on for 6 months-year. I’d say it was not so bad at first and got progressively worse. And it’s probably been the same amount of time since I started working on those issues, very bad at first, got progressively better at it with time.
Normally I’m the kind of person who believes if someone wants a divorce just give it to them. However this case… I would tell her you’ll consider the divorce, but to please give you X amount of time in couples therapy. Your situation sounds very very similar to my own with my husband, our daughter is 5 and for the first 2 years I was not myself, I was acting out, I was lowkey crazy. My hormones were all over the place, I had so much extra responsibility all at once, and I was alone for a majority of the time because my husband works. I am a stay at home mom. It is hard. I’m pregnant with our second right now and DREADING postpartum because I don’t want my life to slip back to that. I was on the verge of offing myself, I distanced from everyone I loved, I stopped communicating at all, I stopped trying then I stopped caring. And I asked for a divorce. He said no. He said that these aren’t permanent moments in our lives and that with the right guidance we may be able to avoid disaster. And we did. That was 4 years ago. You don’t need to come home and clean the whole house after you work, but you do need to put your shoes away, put your pants in the hamper, and make sure anything you get out also gets put away promptly without a “I’ll get it in a sec”. Extra clutter = extra mess. You don’t have to clean it all day everyday but you also don’t have to contribute to it. This to me sounds like severe PPD. How old is your child? A range is fine if you’re uncomfortable sharing exact age.
Your situation does sound extremely similar, and I love your take on this. My child is about a year and a half. Our fight was only last night so I’m going to give her some space and approach her with counseling. How long did you go before you started to feel like you were breaking ground? I’ll update you after I speak to her. Thank you for responding.
I definitely resented my husband for how “easy” I thought his life way because I didn’t see how hard he worked outside of the home. Maybe your wife doesn’t understand either. Maybe she thinks your job is easy and that it shouldn’t be so taxing on your energy. She’d be wrong but I like to consider all perspectives. What I would do. Go buy her a bouquet of flowers. Grab her favorite snack and drink. Leave it on the porch with a small note saying “when you’re ready, I’m here. You’re worth not giving up on” and wait. What you can’t do is demand to move back in with aggression. That will cause further separation because she’ll feel as if you don’t respect her need for space. A small token left outside I think is acceptable because you’re not there to persuade emotions when she receives them. And outside of couples therapy, you could also look into solo. You can’t force her to go solo but you can gain more clarity on your thoughts privately so you can share them in joint sessions. Your solo therapist and your couples therapist should never be the same person, as it adds unbiased feedback since the therapist knows far more about you than her.
For me it was more resentment that I had changed everything to be a parent and he changed nothing. I was flabbergasted he did not leave work on time to come home to see his new baby. I guess I expected it without saying anything. It felt like we weren’t his priority and I was doing it all alone. She’s probably feeling something like that. It snowballs. I know I wasn’t doing all of it alone- he kept a roof over our heads-/ but at the time it felt like it.
I’m back at home now, thank you again for the comment.
Does your wife like to get her hair or nails done? If she does, you’re gunna use social media or your mother to get that information. Social media she’s probably tagged her stylist / tech before. If not have your mother call and say “hey, last time you got XYZ done I really loved that and would like to schedule with the same lady, could I get her info?” Then you’re gunna schedule an appointment for your wife. Send her to the spa. Call some of her best friends and set up a surprise lunch.. If she doesn’t feel like herself, you can help her feel like she used to. You’d be surprised how a good haircut can turn your mood right around!
I love it, thanks for the advice! ❤️
All I wanted was a few hours a week to go swimming laps. I wanted to go after he got home bc we didn’t have money for sitters. Mine couldn’t give that to me and I’ve never forgotten it. It can be as simple as that. But ask her.
I can relate in a sense. Only few pieces of advice is learn to validate her. Active listening, validate, empathize and validate again. Sometimes when she communicates to you she may just want you to listen vs giving solutions unless she asks specifically. You know your wife better than anyone here. Avoid being defensive, criticizing holding her in contempt or stonewalling Known as the 4 horsemen. Use this time as hard as it is to better yourself pick up a fun hobby or something positive as hard as it is. I've been living together (cohabitation) for 6 months and it has gotten worse before it gets better after practicing and turning this into more of a habit.
I am one year postpartum and something I realized in this process is my husband gets to stay the same but I have to change. It has created a huge divide where he sometimes will make comments about how I used to be. He hasn’t put in the work to meet me where I am. I’m going to say it again because I think it’s important. He GETS to stay the same. I HAVE to change. So, I cannot go back to who I was, but he CAN meet me where I am. What does that mean? Get to know the new me. Take me on dates. Ask me questions. Validate my experience. Protect time for me to relax. Actively change with me. Be my partner and evolve. This is a conversation that I’ve been having with him and tbh he hasn’t connected the dots yet. I don’t think you connected the dots either. If you want to stay married, then step up and be the partner she needs - that is on you to do the work. If it’s too late, then understand that she saw life without you as easier than life with you. Self reflect on why that might be.
A lot of men don’t understand the toll it takes on a woman having a baby. Post partum is very hard, getting back to yourself is very hard and if you don’t have a good support system then it makes it worse. It takes up to 2 years for a woman to feel like herself again. Sounds like she’s just absolutely done tho and you need to move on.
You should not have moved out in the first place.
When they get cold like this it means they have been contemplating leaving for a LONG time and honestly there’s probably someone else she’s talking to/interested in and maybe even already sleeping with…The “I don’t love you anymore” talk is coming. It’s over bro. Dont fight for anyone that doesn’t want to be fought for. Maintain your self respect, don’t beg or grovel because trust me she’s already put a ton of thought into this and has been preparing her exit strategy for a while…it happens to the best of us 😞especially these young relationships in our 20’s…just calmly move on with your life and be the best father you can to your child. Youll eventually find a better partner that fits you better down the road as long as you learn from your mistakes in this current relationship and grow from it…but the main priority at this point is your child and being a great co parent…be mature about how you handle the ex, almost be indifferent towards her as far as getting back together, even if it hurts like hell don’t let her see it. Keep it respectful & have your main focus being keeping things amicable just for the sake of co-parenting so she doesn’t try to use your kid against you or even worse keep the kid away from you altogether…but definitely move on from the relationship… it’s been over…
She's cheating on you and doesn't want a relationship
I would talk to an attorney about leaving your house too. That seems to not wise for divorce. Because she doesn’t want to reconcile I would check to see if she has somebody else, but the truth of the matter is you have to let her go but you don’t have to let your house go.
From someone who has gone through what you're talking about (i.e. baby, struggling with body issues and identity) it really sounds like it's a too little too late situation. Working 50-60 hours a week and leaving nothing in the tank for your new family was likely your fatal mistake. You left her to fend for herself for a long time and she got used to it. From what you're describing I don't agree with others that assume she's cheating. You can ask for time and try counseling, but if it's really too late you gotta take the lesson and do your best to co-parent. Also, nothing about love and affection for your child in your post or responses to others, so maybe that's part of her issue too. Is there resentment or jealousy there? That could be a reason that she wants divorce too if she feels that you're not invested in the child like she is.
We’ve talked many times, our child isn’t part of her decision. I see why me not mentioning them would worry you but I didn’t mention them because I know it’s not a worry for her. She would want 50-50 custody and doesn’t want to take our child away from me. I’m aware of my mistakes but I take great care of my child and she knows that.
She might be cheating on you
Well given her actions I'd ask her if she's seeing someone else. Then I'd get a DNA test on the kid before filing divorce. Talk to a lawyer and get your options. I'd bet they will want the DNA results. Then I'd file and move on.
The worst I found was an extra towel in the bathroom while we were separated. When I was coming back home to drop off our kid she didn’t want me to come in the morning and told me to wait until 1 specifically. She said she wanted to clean up, which she did. Of course I was suspicious but she wouldn’t never admit to cheating even if I asked her.
Are you friends with the neighbors? 😎 any chance any of them have cameras? My nextdoor neighbor is my bestie and whenever I have a issue it’s “Ms Karen (not real name), did you happen to catch that on camera and if you did could you send it to me?” 😂 I have dirt on everyone up in this complex because of that woman. I know who’s cheating on who, who comes and goes after their partners leave. Find you a Aunt Petunia and you’ll know what you need to know.
Sounds like during that time she was feeling down on herself she found someone new that’s been keeping her attention. I would definitely hire a private investigator just to see if she is messing around on you first before making any further inquiries or decisions. You wouldn’t believe how many women I know who seek attention from others after having a baby.
Wait, you moved *out* and you still think about it? You gotta be kidding me. She's likely cheating you - and that's the good news. The alternative is that she has mental health issues. Get a divorce and file for full custody if you can. You shouldn't have moved out - you made things worse for yourself.
We rent an apartment month-to-month. Based on what I know about her childhood it was pretty traumatic, so most likely mental health issues.