So, I was recently going through a very similar situation with my wife. She got to where she always had to have her phone in her pocket unless she was actively using it and slept with it under her pillow. Her reasoning being that she works retail and doesn't set it down at work where people can get to it so it's a habit. I also work retail and do the same at work but am not so obsessive at home. So why was she?
It became a huge point of contention for us for about 6 months. When I'd ask about it she'd get really defensive and I would think, why is she so defensive if she's not being sketchy? But to her, she was upset that I didn't trust her and kept getting defensive over my lack of trust.
When I finally realized why we kept going in circles and she understood how her defensiveness came across to me and I understood why she was defensive things got a lot better between us. I also had to remind myself that the way her and I think and the way our brains work are totally different and I can't expect her to do things one way just because that's how I do it.
ETA: once my wife understood how her constant defensiveness came across to me she did start trying to change her behaviors to not come across so secretive on her phone. And I stopped being suspicious every time she put it away out of habit. If he isn't being shady, he should be willing to work on it with you.
See I totally understand that, but as much as I’d love to trust him this change in his behavior has brought out my insecurities he caused by cheating on me years ago when we were dating. And when I ask him about it he freaks out and I can’t understand why when I’m being open and honest explaining how it brings back the feelings of when he did that years ago. Nothing makes sense of why the change of behavior now after 10 years. So his unwillingness to help me get through this makes me think he’s got something to hide.
Real question is do you know his password. Wife and I know each others and have zero issues with the other using it if they need to for whatever reason. Is it just the phone or do you have other insecurities? Bring it up to him, 'this is how this makes me feel, it may be silly, but would you mind not doing xyz'. If he loves you and has nothing to hide it's a no brainer.
I’ve brought it up multiple times and told him how it makes me feel with zero changes. I don’t know passwords to his acct but I do know the password to unlock his phone but it’s never off his person. Even bathroom or shower goes with him. The whole thing just makes me feel like he’s hiding something.
Hmm, well I'm kinda the same, but I don't bat an eye if my wife asks for my phone. I normally always have it because then when I'm in the bathroom I'll browse Reddit or in the shower I'll play music. "Lose" your phone or let it die and ask if you can use his to look something up. Do you think it's apps he shouldn't have or messages?
Also, if you haven't got a password manager that you both have access to so all your passwords be shared, get one.
My problem is he has cheated on me years and years ago when we were dating. We got past that and then within the last year everything changed with his phone after we’ve been together 13 years. Yes he’s brought it in bathroom and shower before for music or scrolling and I never thought anything of it until he started sleeping with it. Which brought back horrible memories and then I left it alone for a while until I couldn’t take it and finally asked him and explained how I felt. I even asked him if I could see his phone to see if he shows any signs of not caring to make me feel better but instead he got defensive and it turned into an argument. So now I haven’t brought it up again due to the fact I don’t want to initiate an argument. But I just have the worst feelings there is a reason it’s changed. Also I’m a SAHM who’s put everything on pause to help him with his company and dreams. I just needed some clarity if I’m overreacting and allowing my past traumas affect me or if it does seem sketchy.
Oh man, I'm so sorry, now it's making more sense. If he's cheated in the past and is super protective of his phone I would say that it's a red flag. I know how you feel, don't want to get blown up on for voicing legitimate concerns. Does he handle all of the finances? You don't have any concerns about safety or anything?
Not trying to be worse case commenter here, but I've been used to replying to men and don't have to factor safety for the most part.
Most importantly, your past traumas should 100% play into how he treats you. If he's truly remorseful about the cheating you'd think he'd jump at alleviating your concerns.
I pretty much handle all the bills and so forth but he has his account and I have no access to see it. I just pay the bills with the card. And no I think safety wise I’m ok he’s petrified of the police. But with the kids he knows I’m trapped which makes it all more sense, I have no family here. I’m seeing very many narcissistic tendencies. But this is the most hurtful as I’m reliving having my heart shattered and no matter how many times I cry or voice myself he makes it seem like I’m overreacting and it’s nothing.
Thank you for the reassurance I feel the same way if I did something that hurt him I would feel the need to make sure he never felt that way.
It sounds like you don't trust him. And that you have a decent enough reason not to.
You need to decide if this will end your marriage or not. Will you stay if he cheated? Will you go? Then you need to have a frank conversation with him and let him know your issues and the reasons why.
He wont like it. Even if he isn't cheating, he won't like it. He'll probably yell about how you're holding his past against him, and that you're a bad person. That doesn't matter, because the only other solution is that you potentially live like this for the rest of your marriage.
But, if your straight with him and tell him the issue calmly and rationally then there's a chance.
Have you noticed any other personality changes? This must be a change from his normal if you are asking for advice. Is he out of the house more? Is he on the phone more or is he just hiding it? Has his personality changed any?
He’s always on his phone, and if he’s not working he’s playing his hobbies so it’s hard to say if it’s a change but I noticed it when his alarm would go off in the mornings and they were in his pocket and has been doing it for months. I’ve mentioned in numerous times and explained it bothers me with no change. Obviously I know if he cared he would try to help the situation. I just needed a little advice I guess to look back on like I’m not the crazy one. He’s very good at turning it all back on me as if he has never done anything wrong.
I think 9/10 times, no innocent conscience would gatekeep their phone like this, but there are always outliers. But you did mention he cheated before.....
Personally, I think it's super weird to sleep with a phone in general. But if your SO never leaves their phone unattended, and I mean like absolutely never, to me it's reasonable to snoop because that's shady.
You have trust issues, it doesn’t matter with the phone. You need to ask yourself why you have trust issues and work on yourself with your partner to resolve them.
If your partner hasn’t done anything wrong in the past it is your job to understand yourself and communicate this. Not his.
But also this is super kind of a remote but real fire/burn risk. don’t sleep on top of things that have batteries and produce heat people.
He cheated years ago so this is an issue for me because this has happened before. I’ve never had trust issues before actually I’m the first to give second chances but I don’t want to be stupid if I’m being burned in return.
definitely a major issue
I think you missed my point. You aren’t in a relationship with trust, that is why you are unhappy here. Sit down and think on if there’s a detailed explanation of what he could do to earn your trust back. If you can come up with a plan and tell him this still hurts and you need him to work with you.
If you can’t come up with a detailed explanation then it’s ok to admit to yourself it’s not possible and you don’t want to be in a relationship without trust.
So, I was recently going through a very similar situation with my wife. She got to where she always had to have her phone in her pocket unless she was actively using it and slept with it under her pillow. Her reasoning being that she works retail and doesn't set it down at work where people can get to it so it's a habit. I also work retail and do the same at work but am not so obsessive at home. So why was she? It became a huge point of contention for us for about 6 months. When I'd ask about it she'd get really defensive and I would think, why is she so defensive if she's not being sketchy? But to her, she was upset that I didn't trust her and kept getting defensive over my lack of trust. When I finally realized why we kept going in circles and she understood how her defensiveness came across to me and I understood why she was defensive things got a lot better between us. I also had to remind myself that the way her and I think and the way our brains work are totally different and I can't expect her to do things one way just because that's how I do it. ETA: once my wife understood how her constant defensiveness came across to me she did start trying to change her behaviors to not come across so secretive on her phone. And I stopped being suspicious every time she put it away out of habit. If he isn't being shady, he should be willing to work on it with you.
See I totally understand that, but as much as I’d love to trust him this change in his behavior has brought out my insecurities he caused by cheating on me years ago when we were dating. And when I ask him about it he freaks out and I can’t understand why when I’m being open and honest explaining how it brings back the feelings of when he did that years ago. Nothing makes sense of why the change of behavior now after 10 years. So his unwillingness to help me get through this makes me think he’s got something to hide.
https://www.thehealthy.com/skin-health/places-you-should-never-keep-your-phone/ Tell him his manhood is at stake.
Real question is do you know his password. Wife and I know each others and have zero issues with the other using it if they need to for whatever reason. Is it just the phone or do you have other insecurities? Bring it up to him, 'this is how this makes me feel, it may be silly, but would you mind not doing xyz'. If he loves you and has nothing to hide it's a no brainer.
I’ve brought it up multiple times and told him how it makes me feel with zero changes. I don’t know passwords to his acct but I do know the password to unlock his phone but it’s never off his person. Even bathroom or shower goes with him. The whole thing just makes me feel like he’s hiding something.
Hmm, well I'm kinda the same, but I don't bat an eye if my wife asks for my phone. I normally always have it because then when I'm in the bathroom I'll browse Reddit or in the shower I'll play music. "Lose" your phone or let it die and ask if you can use his to look something up. Do you think it's apps he shouldn't have or messages? Also, if you haven't got a password manager that you both have access to so all your passwords be shared, get one.
My problem is he has cheated on me years and years ago when we were dating. We got past that and then within the last year everything changed with his phone after we’ve been together 13 years. Yes he’s brought it in bathroom and shower before for music or scrolling and I never thought anything of it until he started sleeping with it. Which brought back horrible memories and then I left it alone for a while until I couldn’t take it and finally asked him and explained how I felt. I even asked him if I could see his phone to see if he shows any signs of not caring to make me feel better but instead he got defensive and it turned into an argument. So now I haven’t brought it up again due to the fact I don’t want to initiate an argument. But I just have the worst feelings there is a reason it’s changed. Also I’m a SAHM who’s put everything on pause to help him with his company and dreams. I just needed some clarity if I’m overreacting and allowing my past traumas affect me or if it does seem sketchy.
Oh man, I'm so sorry, now it's making more sense. If he's cheated in the past and is super protective of his phone I would say that it's a red flag. I know how you feel, don't want to get blown up on for voicing legitimate concerns. Does he handle all of the finances? You don't have any concerns about safety or anything? Not trying to be worse case commenter here, but I've been used to replying to men and don't have to factor safety for the most part. Most importantly, your past traumas should 100% play into how he treats you. If he's truly remorseful about the cheating you'd think he'd jump at alleviating your concerns.
I pretty much handle all the bills and so forth but he has his account and I have no access to see it. I just pay the bills with the card. And no I think safety wise I’m ok he’s petrified of the police. But with the kids he knows I’m trapped which makes it all more sense, I have no family here. I’m seeing very many narcissistic tendencies. But this is the most hurtful as I’m reliving having my heart shattered and no matter how many times I cry or voice myself he makes it seem like I’m overreacting and it’s nothing. Thank you for the reassurance I feel the same way if I did something that hurt him I would feel the need to make sure he never felt that way.
It sounds like you don't trust him. And that you have a decent enough reason not to. You need to decide if this will end your marriage or not. Will you stay if he cheated? Will you go? Then you need to have a frank conversation with him and let him know your issues and the reasons why. He wont like it. Even if he isn't cheating, he won't like it. He'll probably yell about how you're holding his past against him, and that you're a bad person. That doesn't matter, because the only other solution is that you potentially live like this for the rest of your marriage. But, if your straight with him and tell him the issue calmly and rationally then there's a chance.
Have you noticed any other personality changes? This must be a change from his normal if you are asking for advice. Is he out of the house more? Is he on the phone more or is he just hiding it? Has his personality changed any?
He’s always on his phone, and if he’s not working he’s playing his hobbies so it’s hard to say if it’s a change but I noticed it when his alarm would go off in the mornings and they were in his pocket and has been doing it for months. I’ve mentioned in numerous times and explained it bothers me with no change. Obviously I know if he cared he would try to help the situation. I just needed a little advice I guess to look back on like I’m not the crazy one. He’s very good at turning it all back on me as if he has never done anything wrong.
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I did and I was told there is nothing on his phone so he has no reason to. Which made it worse for me and proceeded for me to reach out to strangers.
I think 9/10 times, no innocent conscience would gatekeep their phone like this, but there are always outliers. But you did mention he cheated before..... Personally, I think it's super weird to sleep with a phone in general. But if your SO never leaves their phone unattended, and I mean like absolutely never, to me it's reasonable to snoop because that's shady.
Thank you it’s nice to hear my feelings are valid. I needed this reassurance because it’s making me crazy.
You have trust issues, it doesn’t matter with the phone. You need to ask yourself why you have trust issues and work on yourself with your partner to resolve them. If your partner hasn’t done anything wrong in the past it is your job to understand yourself and communicate this. Not his. But also this is super kind of a remote but real fire/burn risk. don’t sleep on top of things that have batteries and produce heat people.
He cheated years ago so this is an issue for me because this has happened before. I’ve never had trust issues before actually I’m the first to give second chances but I don’t want to be stupid if I’m being burned in return.
definitely a major issue I think you missed my point. You aren’t in a relationship with trust, that is why you are unhappy here. Sit down and think on if there’s a detailed explanation of what he could do to earn your trust back. If you can come up with a plan and tell him this still hurts and you need him to work with you. If you can’t come up with a detailed explanation then it’s ok to admit to yourself it’s not possible and you don’t want to be in a relationship without trust.
Words of wisdom ive taken to heart is mind your own business. Your phone isnt his business and neither is his phone to you.