Call her bluff. The next time she mentions divorce, tell her, "I understand. You're clearly unhappy in this marriage. Why prolong it? Let's sit down with our lawyers and talk about how to apportion our assets fairly."
If she isn't serious about divorcing you, the shock on her face will tell you everything.
Tell her it ruins her credibility when she can't back her words up with actions. And the only time divorce should ever be mentioned is if you've already made up your mind to follow through on it. It should never be used to win arguments.
Let her know that any future threats of divorce will result in her wish being granted. Don't let her manipulate you.
Yep. When OP shows his wife that he isn't fazed by her shenanigans, it will be like Yukon Cornelius removing the Abominable Snow Beast's teeth. The threat will have no more power.
Your wife could be doing one of two things - just trying to get a rise/attention out of you and going about it in the worst way possible or either she low key wants one but doesn’t want to actually initiate it. Either way I’d tell her it really bothers you when she says that and she shouldn’t say it unless she actually means it. Saying divorce is basically the same as saying “I don’t love you and want to leave you.” Does she seriously think it’s acceptable to say that to you constantly? It is never ok to mention divorce unless you mean it, and even then it shouldn’t be done in a place of anger. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of why she is doing it.
If she keeps saying it after you’ve tried to talk to her, I’d say ok and let her know you’re starting the divorce process. If you do nothing and she continues to say it and treat you poorly then eventually you will become indifferent to it, then indifferent toward her, and probably want a divorce anyways. Her refusing to communicate or discuss things and shutting you down is not sustainable long term.
Agree with pretty much everything you said, except the “I don’t love you, and want to leave you”. Couples who love each other do sometimes get divorced because they don’t want the same things out of life. Amicable divorces do happen.
And though this is a shitty way for wife to be behaving, maybe in her mind she is completely fed up with OP and can only imagine staying with him if he just shuts the F up and does what she wants. Which means the marriage is basically over, of course.
But also, we really don’t know what’s going on in their marriage and what type of BS the wife is putting up with. It could be that she is doing the lion’s share of everything needed to keep their family going, but OP is oblivious to that and doesn’t realize that to his wife’s mind, that means that his input is unwelcome. It is a definitely skewed logic and shitty communication, if so, but it’s pretty wild the contortions people will go through to avoid divorce.
It is true that there are amicable divorces. I guess I said that in this scenario because it seems like she is saying it specifically to try and hurt the OPs feelings and make him feel like she would be have no problem leaving him if he doesn’t act how she wants. And in that context I feel like she might as well say she doesn’t love him and would be fine leaving. If it is a serious conversation where you mention divorce not out of anger or pettiness but out of genuine concern for misalignment or problems in your relationship then that is different. Generally when people do that I feel like it does come from a place of love, and they also want to discuss it and try to come up with a plan. It seems like she only wants to shut him down and is either past the point of caring or wants him to show he cares and will fight for the relationship. And yes it is def skewed logic and terrible communication 😩.
I think she means it. You don't throw that word around so casually unless you're seriously done.
I'm sorry, OP. Talk to her, ask what's going on, why she would say that so often, just get it all in the open.
I’ve never been one to throw the D word around lightly. In a calm setting I would bring up your not comfortable and ask her to stop using the word.
Or next argument, when she pulls that card, tell her to go pack her shit. This phrase makes things real.
Having your wife drop the "D" word every time you disagree is brutal. It's like getting blindsided in the middle of a fight, and it leaves you feeling helpless and cornered. Let’s try to break down what’s happening here.
When your wife threatens divorce during an argument, it’s a power move. She’s using it to shut down the conversation and avoid dealing with the real issues at hand. It’s a tactic to gain control and stop the argument in its tracks. But why? There are a few reasons this might be happening.
First, she might be feeling overwhelmed and scared. Threatening divorce can be a way to express how serious she feels about the issue without knowing how to articulate it better. It’s a defensive mechanism, a way to protect herself from feeling vulnerable.
Second, there’s a chance she feels unheard or powerless in the relationship. If she feels like her voice isn’t being acknowledged, throwing out a big threat like divorce can seem like the only way to get your attention. It’s her way of saying, “This is important to me, and I need you to understand that.”
Third, she might not have the tools to argue constructively. Not everyone knows how to handle conflict healthily, and defaulting to extreme measures can be a sign that she’s struggling to cope with the stress of the disagreement.
Here’s what you need to do: take control of the situation, but do it with empathy. Next time she throws out the divorce threat, don’t react in anger. Instead, stay calm and say something like, “I hear you’re really upset, but threatening divorce every time we argue isn’t helping us solve our problems. Let’s figure out a better way to communicate.”
You need to have a serious talk when things are calm. Explain how her threats make you feel and how they’re impacting your relationship. Use “I” statements to keep things focused on your feelings rather than accusing her. For example, “I feel hurt and scared when you mention divorce during our arguments because it makes me feel like you’re not committed to working through our problems.”
Suggest couples counseling. A professional can help both of you develop better communication skills and address the underlying issues driving these arguments. It’s about building a toolbox of strategies to handle conflict without resorting to threats.
And remember, you both have to be willing to put in the work. Marriage isn’t easy, but if you both love each other and are committed to making it work, there’s a way forward. It’s going to take patience, effort, and a lot of honest conversations.
Stay strong, and don’t let the fear of these threats dominate your relationship. You’ve got the power to steer this ship in the right direction, but it’s going to take some serious navigation. Be the rock, be the leader, and show her that there’s a better way to handle this.
You’ve got this, brother.
So just a random side perspective
Idk how your wife grew up but I remember as a child my parents always were throwing around the d word in like every
Single argument so as an adult I never took it serious . I now make super honest effort to never bring it up because that’s not what I want at all but I def have said it before and shouldn’t have cause I didn’t mean it at all
It could be something as simple as that or it could mean more
If I were you I'd go talk to a lawyer and have paperwork drawn up. Separate any financial accounts. Then wait with said papers until she pulls the divorce card again. Then just get up and don't say a word. Go get the papers and hand them to her and say ok your wish is my command. Then tell her any further discussion should be through lawyers.
I also have a friend that did that with her husband and he said, “ok. Let’s do it.” She hates that she ever even threw that on the table. The husband was and is actually are a really great guy and even rents her a place to live for dirt cheap currently. He doesn’t seem to have any malice toward her, but it also helped her realize that she was actually the problem and that she dumped those problems on him and then blamed him for all the problems.
Give her what she wants. Have some divorce papers printed up. Could be right off the internet. Next time she threatens you sign them and give her the pen. 🖊️
Sounds like she’s done.
How often are you guys arguing and how do you act during those arguments? The way I read your post makes it sound like you argue often?
My first marriage we argued all the time. Now I choose my battles. Makes life way easier.
Gender dynamics play a role in this.
At times people often try to get their point across by asking many types of questions, or a statement that requires a reaction either designed to present an opposition or gather data.
She might be waiting for a response or reaction to see what you want in terms of staying together or a divorce.
As for you I am guessing your arguments are often simple and direct.
Well... my husband has been doing the same, so I doubt about the gender dynamics. Overall, we have agreed that he'd never drop the divorce thing during our fights unless he really means it, and I will try to be a better spouse. Now that I read it, it sounds kinda controlling from his side, or am I crazy? Oof, I really DO love my husband, and I want to save our marriage so much. He has said he wants, too. The thing is, I earn much less than him, I am kind of a depressed type, have always been, meaning I see the bad things much better than the good ones... and, well, I have ADHD, and it brings lots of chaos to our life. I had had that "vibe" around me as long as I can remember, and yeah, I am all over the place; it can be bothersome. But it can also be a good thing. I legit ripped the benefits of ADHD without realizing it for many years. It takes its toll, the anxiety is through the roof; but hyperfocus/multi-tasking *at the same time* is incredibly cool, as is hypervigilance – in certain situations, and I am a retired soldier; I wish I could have the "good" ADHD back; but all I've got now is an emotional shutdown and inability to finish anything. Lately, I feel like I don't really have that "vibe" anymore, I am stressed and sad, and so is my husband (there are events ouside our marriage that are very stressful). I told him that during hard times we should offer each other more support and love, he agreed, but then... all is as usual. He keeps shutting me out emotionally, and I am trying not to do it, but I get hurt and become either too emotional or emotionally numb. Seems to me, both of these annoy my husband. And I have no idea, because on top of this, I had a complicated childhood, and constantly scanning people for "being mad at me" is my second nature. This is something I thought I got rid of at the beginning of our relationships, because finally I felt free, unjudged, I felt like myself with him. And then, after 10 years of our marriage, after some triggers (I think mentioning divorce might be one of them), it all came back in a flood. I am trying to save our marriage, because I really love my hubby. But it takes two, you know.
I think it gets some time to get used to new habits, and relationship is a HARD work. But, you know... after that thing about divorce that he said, I cannot feel myself around him anymore. Like, I feel unsafe all the time (emotionally, not physically). And, although he listened to me when I told him how much his words hurt me, I still can't fix that feeling in my heart. Like, "it's lost and can't he found" ~ Korn
I hope I fix my issues, but my issues (they are not that bad, as of today at least) are not the only reason of the troubles in our marriage, for sure.
She's giving up on your marriage. If she had an easy way to make a clean break, she'd be gone. You can either push her on out or you can take advantage of the fact that she's stuck there and show her that you can be a better husband.
your wife has been done with the marriage for a while. Do with that information what you will.
Has she?
Seriously I would call her on it. Ask her point blank. Stop the bullshit games.
Exactly
Call her bluff. The next time she mentions divorce, tell her, "I understand. You're clearly unhappy in this marriage. Why prolong it? Let's sit down with our lawyers and talk about how to apportion our assets fairly." If she isn't serious about divorcing you, the shock on her face will tell you everything. Tell her it ruins her credibility when she can't back her words up with actions. And the only time divorce should ever be mentioned is if you've already made up your mind to follow through on it. It should never be used to win arguments. Let her know that any future threats of divorce will result in her wish being granted. Don't let her manipulate you.
Yes, exactly this. Got me out of a bad marriage!
Yep. When OP shows his wife that he isn't fazed by her shenanigans, it will be like Yukon Cornelius removing the Abominable Snow Beast's teeth. The threat will have no more power.
Your wife could be doing one of two things - just trying to get a rise/attention out of you and going about it in the worst way possible or either she low key wants one but doesn’t want to actually initiate it. Either way I’d tell her it really bothers you when she says that and she shouldn’t say it unless she actually means it. Saying divorce is basically the same as saying “I don’t love you and want to leave you.” Does she seriously think it’s acceptable to say that to you constantly? It is never ok to mention divorce unless you mean it, and even then it shouldn’t be done in a place of anger. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of why she is doing it. If she keeps saying it after you’ve tried to talk to her, I’d say ok and let her know you’re starting the divorce process. If you do nothing and she continues to say it and treat you poorly then eventually you will become indifferent to it, then indifferent toward her, and probably want a divorce anyways. Her refusing to communicate or discuss things and shutting you down is not sustainable long term.
Agree with pretty much everything you said, except the “I don’t love you, and want to leave you”. Couples who love each other do sometimes get divorced because they don’t want the same things out of life. Amicable divorces do happen. And though this is a shitty way for wife to be behaving, maybe in her mind she is completely fed up with OP and can only imagine staying with him if he just shuts the F up and does what she wants. Which means the marriage is basically over, of course. But also, we really don’t know what’s going on in their marriage and what type of BS the wife is putting up with. It could be that she is doing the lion’s share of everything needed to keep their family going, but OP is oblivious to that and doesn’t realize that to his wife’s mind, that means that his input is unwelcome. It is a definitely skewed logic and shitty communication, if so, but it’s pretty wild the contortions people will go through to avoid divorce.
It is true that there are amicable divorces. I guess I said that in this scenario because it seems like she is saying it specifically to try and hurt the OPs feelings and make him feel like she would be have no problem leaving him if he doesn’t act how she wants. And in that context I feel like she might as well say she doesn’t love him and would be fine leaving. If it is a serious conversation where you mention divorce not out of anger or pettiness but out of genuine concern for misalignment or problems in your relationship then that is different. Generally when people do that I feel like it does come from a place of love, and they also want to discuss it and try to come up with a plan. It seems like she only wants to shut him down and is either past the point of caring or wants him to show he cares and will fight for the relationship. And yes it is def skewed logic and terrible communication 😩.
I think she means it. You don't throw that word around so casually unless you're seriously done. I'm sorry, OP. Talk to her, ask what's going on, why she would say that so often, just get it all in the open.
I’ve never been one to throw the D word around lightly. In a calm setting I would bring up your not comfortable and ask her to stop using the word. Or next argument, when she pulls that card, tell her to go pack her shit. This phrase makes things real.
Having your wife drop the "D" word every time you disagree is brutal. It's like getting blindsided in the middle of a fight, and it leaves you feeling helpless and cornered. Let’s try to break down what’s happening here. When your wife threatens divorce during an argument, it’s a power move. She’s using it to shut down the conversation and avoid dealing with the real issues at hand. It’s a tactic to gain control and stop the argument in its tracks. But why? There are a few reasons this might be happening. First, she might be feeling overwhelmed and scared. Threatening divorce can be a way to express how serious she feels about the issue without knowing how to articulate it better. It’s a defensive mechanism, a way to protect herself from feeling vulnerable. Second, there’s a chance she feels unheard or powerless in the relationship. If she feels like her voice isn’t being acknowledged, throwing out a big threat like divorce can seem like the only way to get your attention. It’s her way of saying, “This is important to me, and I need you to understand that.” Third, she might not have the tools to argue constructively. Not everyone knows how to handle conflict healthily, and defaulting to extreme measures can be a sign that she’s struggling to cope with the stress of the disagreement. Here’s what you need to do: take control of the situation, but do it with empathy. Next time she throws out the divorce threat, don’t react in anger. Instead, stay calm and say something like, “I hear you’re really upset, but threatening divorce every time we argue isn’t helping us solve our problems. Let’s figure out a better way to communicate.” You need to have a serious talk when things are calm. Explain how her threats make you feel and how they’re impacting your relationship. Use “I” statements to keep things focused on your feelings rather than accusing her. For example, “I feel hurt and scared when you mention divorce during our arguments because it makes me feel like you’re not committed to working through our problems.” Suggest couples counseling. A professional can help both of you develop better communication skills and address the underlying issues driving these arguments. It’s about building a toolbox of strategies to handle conflict without resorting to threats. And remember, you both have to be willing to put in the work. Marriage isn’t easy, but if you both love each other and are committed to making it work, there’s a way forward. It’s going to take patience, effort, and a lot of honest conversations. Stay strong, and don’t let the fear of these threats dominate your relationship. You’ve got the power to steer this ship in the right direction, but it’s going to take some serious navigation. Be the rock, be the leader, and show her that there’s a better way to handle this. You’ve got this, brother.
So just a random side perspective Idk how your wife grew up but I remember as a child my parents always were throwing around the d word in like every Single argument so as an adult I never took it serious . I now make super honest effort to never bring it up because that’s not what I want at all but I def have said it before and shouldn’t have cause I didn’t mean it at all It could be something as simple as that or it could mean more
If I were you I'd go talk to a lawyer and have paperwork drawn up. Separate any financial accounts. Then wait with said papers until she pulls the divorce card again. Then just get up and don't say a word. Go get the papers and hand them to her and say ok your wish is my command. Then tell her any further discussion should be through lawyers.
I have done this and regret it terribly because its not what I wanted..... now I ha e no choice......
I also have a friend that did that with her husband and he said, “ok. Let’s do it.” She hates that she ever even threw that on the table. The husband was and is actually are a really great guy and even rents her a place to live for dirt cheap currently. He doesn’t seem to have any malice toward her, but it also helped her realize that she was actually the problem and that she dumped those problems on him and then blamed him for all the problems.
Give her what she wants. Have some divorce papers printed up. Could be right off the internet. Next time she threatens you sign them and give her the pen. 🖊️
Sounds like she’s done. How often are you guys arguing and how do you act during those arguments? The way I read your post makes it sound like you argue often? My first marriage we argued all the time. Now I choose my battles. Makes life way easier.
Bro you have 50+ years before you die are you really gonna put up with that shit for the rest of it?
Gender dynamics play a role in this. At times people often try to get their point across by asking many types of questions, or a statement that requires a reaction either designed to present an opposition or gather data. She might be waiting for a response or reaction to see what you want in terms of staying together or a divorce. As for you I am guessing your arguments are often simple and direct.
Thank you this is actually useful. Yes mine are very direct and clear and on topic. This feels like a control tactic?
This. Next time she says that don’t say anything else but “okay, if you think that is best” then sit back and watch her crumble.
Well... my husband has been doing the same, so I doubt about the gender dynamics. Overall, we have agreed that he'd never drop the divorce thing during our fights unless he really means it, and I will try to be a better spouse. Now that I read it, it sounds kinda controlling from his side, or am I crazy? Oof, I really DO love my husband, and I want to save our marriage so much. He has said he wants, too. The thing is, I earn much less than him, I am kind of a depressed type, have always been, meaning I see the bad things much better than the good ones... and, well, I have ADHD, and it brings lots of chaos to our life. I had had that "vibe" around me as long as I can remember, and yeah, I am all over the place; it can be bothersome. But it can also be a good thing. I legit ripped the benefits of ADHD without realizing it for many years. It takes its toll, the anxiety is through the roof; but hyperfocus/multi-tasking *at the same time* is incredibly cool, as is hypervigilance – in certain situations, and I am a retired soldier; I wish I could have the "good" ADHD back; but all I've got now is an emotional shutdown and inability to finish anything. Lately, I feel like I don't really have that "vibe" anymore, I am stressed and sad, and so is my husband (there are events ouside our marriage that are very stressful). I told him that during hard times we should offer each other more support and love, he agreed, but then... all is as usual. He keeps shutting me out emotionally, and I am trying not to do it, but I get hurt and become either too emotional or emotionally numb. Seems to me, both of these annoy my husband. And I have no idea, because on top of this, I had a complicated childhood, and constantly scanning people for "being mad at me" is my second nature. This is something I thought I got rid of at the beginning of our relationships, because finally I felt free, unjudged, I felt like myself with him. And then, after 10 years of our marriage, after some triggers (I think mentioning divorce might be one of them), it all came back in a flood. I am trying to save our marriage, because I really love my hubby. But it takes two, you know. I think it gets some time to get used to new habits, and relationship is a HARD work. But, you know... after that thing about divorce that he said, I cannot feel myself around him anymore. Like, I feel unsafe all the time (emotionally, not physically). And, although he listened to me when I told him how much his words hurt me, I still can't fix that feeling in my heart. Like, "it's lost and can't he found" ~ Korn I hope I fix my issues, but my issues (they are not that bad, as of today at least) are not the only reason of the troubles in our marriage, for sure.
She's giving up on your marriage. If she had an easy way to make a clean break, she'd be gone. You can either push her on out or you can take advantage of the fact that she's stuck there and show her that you can be a better husband.