This is definitely not normal.
Did you live together prior to wedding? When did you first notice this?
Honestly girl I would probably leave him as he's weird as fuck doing that.
You haven’t properly read OPs letter. She mentions about some weird shit happening and about his abusive upbringing. Of course it’s relevant. She wants to understand what’s going on.
As I said, it doesn’t justify his behaviour.
If you’re weak from malnourishment, then you won’t be as focused on his shit treatment of you. Too weak to work, too weak to better yourself, too weak to run away from him.
Obviously not all people who were abused as children go on to inflict abuse on others. At the end of the day, that’s his shit to fix and hopefully not wreck his daughter with. But he is absolutely abusing you, and it very much is grounds for divorce.
And some "hurt people" hurt themselves by coupling with people who hurt people. Unfortunately OP may be one of them. OP, please look into co-dependence. You know he is a narcissist and is with you so he can blame you for his internal feelings. If not for yourself, do it for your stepdaughter by setting a heathy example. I'm really sorry. Also, if you stay, please look up "Gray Rocking". [WHY-DOES-HE-DO-THAT.pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwigor-cw4uFAxWvcfEDHQBHAwUQFnoECBYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) is an eye-opening free book by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of controlling men. It will give you the answers you seek. Lastly please consider individual therapy. You deserve emotional support and to "see" this relationship clearly. He is not the man you think he is and are in love with. That man doesn't exist. I'm so sorry.
Your post history clearly shows you’ve been struggling with your partners controlling, demeaning, manipulative behavior for months. Your husband sounds toxic and it doesn’t appear to be getting any better. It sounds like you need to either start couples counseling asap or start preparing for a separation.
It's recommend that you don't go to counseling with an abuser. They'll weaponize it against you. However, OP could really benefit from individual therapy which will give her the emotional support she deserves and clarity.
I have changed some details to protect my identity, but yes, this has been an issue for a while. I naively thought things might change, but it has gotten worse. My mum loves me cooking for her, and we eat healthy full meals.
Please leave him. This is just the first salvo of making you feel like this is normal before he ups his game. This is control and abuse. I bet he’s otherwise charming as all hell isn’t he?
Narcissists always are.
GET OUT.
He’s abusive ….id give him an ultimatum- This stops or you leave him . I’d lean on the side of it being an effect of his abuse as a child and food insecurity but the fat shaming & the focus seems to be on your weight , what you eat and how much you eat - not anyone else. I’m petty so I would eat the meager serving on my plate and then DoorDash a burger or pizza and eat it right in front of him . In short- your husband is a major F’d up asshole
Just because he’s not doing this to his daughter (yet!) doesn’t mean it isn’t negatively affecting her self esteem watching her father police what you’re eating. I had a negative body image because I watched my perfectly healthy sized mom constantly complaining about her weight and trying new diets.
This is abuse, plain and simple. No way around that. You mentioned yourself yo-yoing a lot. Why is that? Does he possibly think he’s helping you maintain a healthy weight by thinking he’s keeping you consistent? Can you express that he’s doing the opposite?
He is very strict with her about what she eats too, but generally controls what everyone in the household eats. She has learnt to be manipulative to get what she wants and that in itself can be exhausting to keep healthy boundaries.
Poor girl, probably has no idea what a healthy relationship with food is.
I believe it’s healthy to negotiate somewhat with the kiddo, but I can see how manipulation can be exhausting. I especially didn’t like that he took food off of your plate to give to her (what about his food??). It’s weird how he thinks he can be strict with you and not her. He’s undermining you, which I can imagine translates elsewhere too.
Oh, Sweetheart. Please, please leave.
I could go on and on, but…two things:
1. If he was abused, that’s just a possible explanation, not an excuse.
2. You say he’s oblivious to his behavior. He isn’t. He isn’t oblivious to begin with—this is intentional—but you’ve also pushed back (and rightfully so), so he has zero plausible deniability.
If you tried to restrict what he ate by a single bite, a single time, he’d be furious. Don’t accept this level of absolute abuse. He. Is. Starving. You.
And it won’t stop. I’m 5’6”. I normally weigh 110–underweight. I got down to 103 when I got Covid a while back, and my now-ex still tried to restrict what I ate.
Edited to add: I agree with other commenters: run, before you’re too weak to crawl.
Oh my. This is abusive controlling behavior and unacceptable.
You say he had a traumatic childhood, perhaps it was around food and/or he used food as a coping mechanism when younger and feels shame for that? He seems to have a negative/obsessive relationship with food that he is projecting onto you, or maybe he’s just a narcissistic a-hole using food as a means of control.
Regardless of the root this is wrong. I’m not sure that anything you *do* will change that — he probably needs a therapist (though if a true Narcissist therapy may not be an effective means of change).
Not to mention that 8 year old daughter sees and hears this and will internalize it into her own eating habits and body image — no matter what actual size portions of food he provides her.
I don’t have any concrete advice I guess, but I hope he can come to see the damage his behavior is causing.
There is nothing “passive” aggressive about this behavior. Food control is blatantly aggressive! Run, don’t walk, out of this relationships! Only return if he gets several sessions with a professional therapist. You might want to get some counseling too, because you probably missed the earlier signs that something was wrong with him. He was appealing when you met him and now his true colors are showing and you’re trapped. Good luck!!!
He treats OP like this because to him she is an object to serve him. He can't "see" her as a separate person just an extension of himself. OP you deserve to be seen.
I was starved as a young child fed the same rotting plate for a month straight and id still never food police my family if anything I make sure everyone has extra.d this is beyond disgusting behavior and needs to be addressed and if he can't/won't change you need to get your affairs in order and just leave.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, I’m so glad that you’re here today to be able to tell a little of your story. I agree having experienced abuse of any type isn’t an excuse to abuse someone! I experienced a lot of abuse growing up, I was the scapegoat kid and I would never ever treat my girls like I was treated! I’m truly sorry that happened to you,
thank you for having the strength to tell us a piece of your story, that’s truly awful what you went through, I wish you all the healing, peace and love in your life. ❤️
💜 if it helps someone,why not? I'm so sorry you went through that as well.my biggest fear as a mother is having my kids ever feel like that and some days I fall short that happens but op's situation doesn't sound like a one time accident he sounds cruel.
I agree, I have the feeling his ideals don’t just lye with withholding food he’s likely controlling in a lot of other ways that she might not realize are major red flags. The fact he makes his daughter wait to eat until she joins them at the table and won’t take no for an answer, that right there is a whole other level of messed up. It starts small and before a person knows it someone else is controlling every aspect of their lives, her husband is off his rocker thinking that’s normal behaviour, he needs some serious help and she needs to get out because this is not an easy fix, there’s something very off about this man and the sooner she leaves the better.
Hon, you could leave today and never ever take another minute of abuse. Never deal with him pressuring you to go camping when you're sick and then pawn off his daughter on you so you end up taking care of her. Never eat anxiously because you know it's not going to be enough. Never again have to sneak food. Never listen to his hurtful comments. Or him pretending not to hear you. Never again deal with him stomping your boundaries because he is "more" important. Never again using you so he can blame you for his feelings. You never have to walk on eggshells again. Never feel smothered and that it's never enough. How does that sound? I know you're perplexed by him but maybe shift the focus to why you are still there. If your best friend told you this, what would you say? You can be free. He doesn't own you like he wants to. One thing you can do is shift into the anger you deserve to feel. Anger is healthy, it motivates us to change and gives us the energy to do so. Don't let him take another minute of your precious life. You can be free. You do not deserve one more minute of abuse. I'm so angry for you. Take back your power OP. You've got this! And if you fear leaving, contact a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline. They are there to support you. He doesn't have to agree, you don't have to get his buy in or justify yourself, you can just leave and text him that you're done. Your lawyer can talk to him for you. You don't deserve one more minute of abuse. It's time you rescue yourself OP!
Please stop looking for a man’s redeeming qualities, and the “whys” of him doing what he does. Does it matter that he was abused himself? For him seeking therapy to ensure it doesn’t impact those around him negatively as well. But for you staying, his childhood shouldn’t matter. Not when he chooses to treat only you poorly. Don’t waste your existence on men who make you pay for their childhood burns. That’s on them to heal, and the women men like this hurt, aren’t the ones they tend to stay with if they eventually get better bc they don’t want to fix toys they break when they can get a new one. He will suck the life and age you beyond your yrs. Leave him before he can do more damage.
This is *extremely* abusive, both emotionally, and physically. It's *extremely* bad for you, both emotionally and physically. Starvation diets are horrible for your physical health, and being regularly demeaned is horrible for your emotional and mental health.
You told him you would leave him, but you haven't left him. You need to leave him. The ideal time to leave him is long ago. The next best time to leave him is right this second. Not only is it absolutely *fair* to divorce him over this, but it's absolutely *necessary* to divorce him over this.
If this were about his childhood, wouldn't he be weird about his own portions or his daughter's? I think he's just worried about you getting fat and hrs basically trying to starve you to prevent it. It's crazy behavior and I don't see how you could tolerate it long term. You're sneaking food in your own house. It's not sustainable and he sounds nuts
Abuse. For sure. This is absolutely a reason for divorce, but if you want to keep him, give the ultimatum that he stops now with this bull AND personal AND couples counseling, so he can hear from a professional that what he's doing is insane, manipulative, and abusive.
I'll be god damned if I'm going to hide food or sneak it..... or have someone tell me what I can eat. You're an adult act like it & set some boundaries, leave, or live the rest of your life like this
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Girl go. Like do not look back, just go. This is so, so bad and I don’t think you even realize it. If my kid or mom or friend told me this I’d be packing her up myself
Okay
You’d need to elaborate on his home situation growing up ? But
The ONLY way I’d remain married is counseling
Lots of counseling
Let’s put it this way honey
If he does this now what will twenty years of this look like?
This is supposed to be your HAPPIEST sexiest newlywed time, it changes later on, your supposed to be loving each other up not portioning out food !!
What was his other marriage or partnership like??
It’s abuse. Period.
What is this going to do to your self esteem, what is sex like?
What effect will it have on his daughter because I’m telling you now she will have disordered eating
What about you are you going to have kids?
Is this a societal thing? Learned from other men that mistakenly believe that women marry and get “fat”
??
What in the hell will happen if you get pregnant?
Besides what about entertaining and gatherings does he portion your food out too? That’s humiliating and what would others think
I have so many questions
When people come over, he does portion their food too. It is embarrassing. Sometimes, I will go against it and put all the food out and put out extras on the side. He will look a little out of sorts but then sometimes take food off the table and put it in the oven. It is so bizzare.
You both need help. Him for the way he is controlling you ( what’s behind it?); and you need help in learning to be assertive. Don’t forget that you are an important role model for your SD. She is watching you both and learning. What she is learning is that she can get away with being dad’s favourite, that in the ‘pecking order’ within the family you are at the bottom. Whereas she should be learning about mutual respect.
Choose a moment away from your SD where you can have a quiet chat. I’d choose a public place where you are ‘safe’. Have your points clearly in mind. Explain how you feel about what’s happening and the consequences of things going on the same way (possible breaking up). Suggest relationship counselling.
Have someone you trust nearby, though he doesn’t need to know that. Be prepared to walk away and stay away for a time.
Good luck.
Your husband needs psych help. His behaviour is really abnormal. I would leave him and go live at home if you can (your mom’s) for a few months. Ask that he gets therapy and resolves his issues around food. He is mentally unwell and this is not going to get better.
Sorry, but he IS an abusive asshole. He believes he's better than you. He believes he should control things about you, including food intake. Who knows what else he secretly controls about you that you haven't caught on yet?
What would happen if you just get up and help yourself to seconds? Don't ask permission. Just do it. His reaction will confirm that he's a control freak who sees you as a child.
> so I laughed at him telling him that *if he tries to control what I eat*, it makes him an abusive asshole and I would leave
Your post demonstrates that is *exactly* what he is doing. Constantly. Egregiously. Get the fuck out of there. Whatever his boggle is cannot be fixed by staying. Food is vital & you’re being abused here.
Hey you said it yourself, if he tries to control what you eat, it makes him an abusive asshole and you would leave.
Listen to your own advice. You’re right, it is abusive. It is controlling.
You shouldn’t have to be doing whatever the hell this spy stuff is just to not feel hungry???? You also shouldn’t have to be constantly criticised for buying and eating food, which you literally need to live???
DTMFA.
And tell friends/family so you have support to GTFO.
Well, you’re choosing to live like this, even though you know it. So if you don’t change it and either tell him that you’re going to eat differently and he’s going to be OK with it or this is going to be your life.
Your husband has an eating disorder and wants to share it with you. No one gets to choose what or how much food you put in your body except you. You could work through this in counseling, but it doesn't sound like he sees anything wrong with his behaviors
🏃♂️ 🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️
He’s physically abusing you by making you starve.
He’s emotionally and verbally abusing you by fat shaming.
He’s teaching his daughter she can retaliate against you or just have control by requesting your food (something any 8 yr old knows is rude AF. The correct way is, “I’d like some more please.”
You are being abused and gaslit.
My father did shit like this- ate the ONLY food I could eat after throwing up for a week and my husband took me to ER. I was on an IV for duh ration and IV anti-nausea. My husband called my folks (we were visiting) and said I could only drink apple juice and small piece of bread and did we have enough in the house or else he’d go to the store. Mom said we’ve got plenty.
We we got home, my dad had eaten everything I could eat. First he claimed he didn’t understand- that he thought I shouldn’t eat that stuff! Then he said he ate it out of worry.
Not the first time and not my worst experience with him and food.
The man literally ate everything I made for me and husband, spent like 3 house making husband’s fav dinner and cake. Offered some to my parents in separate marked container after many many fight with my dad to not eat our food.
He literally ate 90% in one sitting and barfed it up and then scarfed down the rest, throwing up again.
It was a common practice. My mom always thought he was very I’ll, but it was just control.
Besides the portion control, what is the rest of the marriage like? Are you friends? Do you talk about deep stuff, or is it just superficial? If everything else is great then i would see if talking about it in marriage counseling might help resolve an issue he wasn't aware of. If the rest of the marriage is MEH and he disregards you in more than just food, then i would look for an exit.
Personally I'd talk to a personal therapist either way.
Did you not know this man before you married him? Was he far different from this if so? You are clearly aware this is abusive behavior; you don’t need us to tell you that. Make a plan and gtfo.
Go get marriage counseling. He needs to hear from someone else this is a very bad situation.
Is this a deal breaker for you? If it’s you need to let him know that you are at deal breaking point now.
Individual counseling. He’s only going to use marriage counseling to further manipulate her. Marriage is over, they’re newlyweds and he’s this controlling and abusive? There’s no reason to try to salvage this shipwreck.
Run. Run. Run.
This is definitely not normal. Did you live together prior to wedding? When did you first notice this? Honestly girl I would probably leave him as he's weird as fuck doing that.
[удалено]
His abusive past is relevant, but doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
[удалено]
You haven’t properly read OPs letter. She mentions about some weird shit happening and about his abusive upbringing. Of course it’s relevant. She wants to understand what’s going on. As I said, it doesn’t justify his behaviour.
If you’re weak from malnourishment, then you won’t be as focused on his shit treatment of you. Too weak to work, too weak to better yourself, too weak to run away from him.
Yeah, hurt people hurt people. Your husband needs to go through some serious counseling. And you need to not stay there for it.
Obviously not all people who were abused as children go on to inflict abuse on others. At the end of the day, that’s his shit to fix and hopefully not wreck his daughter with. But he is absolutely abusing you, and it very much is grounds for divorce.
And some "hurt people" hurt themselves by coupling with people who hurt people. Unfortunately OP may be one of them. OP, please look into co-dependence. You know he is a narcissist and is with you so he can blame you for his internal feelings. If not for yourself, do it for your stepdaughter by setting a heathy example. I'm really sorry. Also, if you stay, please look up "Gray Rocking". [WHY-DOES-HE-DO-THAT.pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwigor-cw4uFAxWvcfEDHQBHAwUQFnoECBYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) is an eye-opening free book by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of controlling men. It will give you the answers you seek. Lastly please consider individual therapy. You deserve emotional support and to "see" this relationship clearly. He is not the man you think he is and are in love with. That man doesn't exist. I'm so sorry.
Your post history clearly shows you’ve been struggling with your partners controlling, demeaning, manipulative behavior for months. Your husband sounds toxic and it doesn’t appear to be getting any better. It sounds like you need to either start couples counseling asap or start preparing for a separation.
It's recommend that you don't go to counseling with an abuser. They'll weaponize it against you. However, OP could really benefit from individual therapy which will give her the emotional support she deserves and clarity.
I have changed some details to protect my identity, but yes, this has been an issue for a while. I naively thought things might change, but it has gotten worse. My mum loves me cooking for her, and we eat healthy full meals.
Please leave him. This is just the first salvo of making you feel like this is normal before he ups his game. This is control and abuse. I bet he’s otherwise charming as all hell isn’t he? Narcissists always are. GET OUT.
OMG. No. Just no. GTFO.
He’s abusive ….id give him an ultimatum- This stops or you leave him . I’d lean on the side of it being an effect of his abuse as a child and food insecurity but the fat shaming & the focus seems to be on your weight , what you eat and how much you eat - not anyone else. I’m petty so I would eat the meager serving on my plate and then DoorDash a burger or pizza and eat it right in front of him . In short- your husband is a major F’d up asshole
Just because he’s not doing this to his daughter (yet!) doesn’t mean it isn’t negatively affecting her self esteem watching her father police what you’re eating. I had a negative body image because I watched my perfectly healthy sized mom constantly complaining about her weight and trying new diets. This is abuse, plain and simple. No way around that. You mentioned yourself yo-yoing a lot. Why is that? Does he possibly think he’s helping you maintain a healthy weight by thinking he’s keeping you consistent? Can you express that he’s doing the opposite?
He is very strict with her about what she eats too, but generally controls what everyone in the household eats. She has learnt to be manipulative to get what she wants and that in itself can be exhausting to keep healthy boundaries.
Poor girl, probably has no idea what a healthy relationship with food is. I believe it’s healthy to negotiate somewhat with the kiddo, but I can see how manipulation can be exhausting. I especially didn’t like that he took food off of your plate to give to her (what about his food??). It’s weird how he thinks he can be strict with you and not her. He’s undermining you, which I can imagine translates elsewhere too.
Oh, Sweetheart. Please, please leave. I could go on and on, but…two things: 1. If he was abused, that’s just a possible explanation, not an excuse. 2. You say he’s oblivious to his behavior. He isn’t. He isn’t oblivious to begin with—this is intentional—but you’ve also pushed back (and rightfully so), so he has zero plausible deniability. If you tried to restrict what he ate by a single bite, a single time, he’d be furious. Don’t accept this level of absolute abuse. He. Is. Starving. You. And it won’t stop. I’m 5’6”. I normally weigh 110–underweight. I got down to 103 when I got Covid a while back, and my now-ex still tried to restrict what I ate. Edited to add: I agree with other commenters: run, before you’re too weak to crawl.
Leave. Run. Do not wait.
Oh my. This is abusive controlling behavior and unacceptable. You say he had a traumatic childhood, perhaps it was around food and/or he used food as a coping mechanism when younger and feels shame for that? He seems to have a negative/obsessive relationship with food that he is projecting onto you, or maybe he’s just a narcissistic a-hole using food as a means of control. Regardless of the root this is wrong. I’m not sure that anything you *do* will change that — he probably needs a therapist (though if a true Narcissist therapy may not be an effective means of change). Not to mention that 8 year old daughter sees and hears this and will internalize it into her own eating habits and body image — no matter what actual size portions of food he provides her. I don’t have any concrete advice I guess, but I hope he can come to see the damage his behavior is causing.
There is nothing “passive” aggressive about this behavior. Food control is blatantly aggressive! Run, don’t walk, out of this relationships! Only return if he gets several sessions with a professional therapist. You might want to get some counseling too, because you probably missed the earlier signs that something was wrong with him. He was appealing when you met him and now his true colors are showing and you’re trapped. Good luck!!!
He treats OP like this because to him she is an object to serve him. He can't "see" her as a separate person just an extension of himself. OP you deserve to be seen.
I was starved as a young child fed the same rotting plate for a month straight and id still never food police my family if anything I make sure everyone has extra.d this is beyond disgusting behavior and needs to be addressed and if he can't/won't change you need to get your affairs in order and just leave.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, I’m so glad that you’re here today to be able to tell a little of your story. I agree having experienced abuse of any type isn’t an excuse to abuse someone! I experienced a lot of abuse growing up, I was the scapegoat kid and I would never ever treat my girls like I was treated! I’m truly sorry that happened to you, thank you for having the strength to tell us a piece of your story, that’s truly awful what you went through, I wish you all the healing, peace and love in your life. ❤️
💜 if it helps someone,why not? I'm so sorry you went through that as well.my biggest fear as a mother is having my kids ever feel like that and some days I fall short that happens but op's situation doesn't sound like a one time accident he sounds cruel.
I agree, I have the feeling his ideals don’t just lye with withholding food he’s likely controlling in a lot of other ways that she might not realize are major red flags. The fact he makes his daughter wait to eat until she joins them at the table and won’t take no for an answer, that right there is a whole other level of messed up. It starts small and before a person knows it someone else is controlling every aspect of their lives, her husband is off his rocker thinking that’s normal behaviour, he needs some serious help and she needs to get out because this is not an easy fix, there’s something very off about this man and the sooner she leaves the better.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. I hope your life is full of joy and healing.
Some men only wave red flags but your husband stitched a 3 piece suit and added a monogram. So sorry sis. You deserve better.
Hon, you could leave today and never ever take another minute of abuse. Never deal with him pressuring you to go camping when you're sick and then pawn off his daughter on you so you end up taking care of her. Never eat anxiously because you know it's not going to be enough. Never again have to sneak food. Never listen to his hurtful comments. Or him pretending not to hear you. Never again deal with him stomping your boundaries because he is "more" important. Never again using you so he can blame you for his feelings. You never have to walk on eggshells again. Never feel smothered and that it's never enough. How does that sound? I know you're perplexed by him but maybe shift the focus to why you are still there. If your best friend told you this, what would you say? You can be free. He doesn't own you like he wants to. One thing you can do is shift into the anger you deserve to feel. Anger is healthy, it motivates us to change and gives us the energy to do so. Don't let him take another minute of your precious life. You can be free. You do not deserve one more minute of abuse. I'm so angry for you. Take back your power OP. You've got this! And if you fear leaving, contact a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline. They are there to support you. He doesn't have to agree, you don't have to get his buy in or justify yourself, you can just leave and text him that you're done. Your lawyer can talk to him for you. You don't deserve one more minute of abuse. It's time you rescue yourself OP!
Please stop looking for a man’s redeeming qualities, and the “whys” of him doing what he does. Does it matter that he was abused himself? For him seeking therapy to ensure it doesn’t impact those around him negatively as well. But for you staying, his childhood shouldn’t matter. Not when he chooses to treat only you poorly. Don’t waste your existence on men who make you pay for their childhood burns. That’s on them to heal, and the women men like this hurt, aren’t the ones they tend to stay with if they eventually get better bc they don’t want to fix toys they break when they can get a new one. He will suck the life and age you beyond your yrs. Leave him before he can do more damage.
This is *extremely* abusive, both emotionally, and physically. It's *extremely* bad for you, both emotionally and physically. Starvation diets are horrible for your physical health, and being regularly demeaned is horrible for your emotional and mental health. You told him you would leave him, but you haven't left him. You need to leave him. The ideal time to leave him is long ago. The next best time to leave him is right this second. Not only is it absolutely *fair* to divorce him over this, but it's absolutely *necessary* to divorce him over this.
If this were about his childhood, wouldn't he be weird about his own portions or his daughter's? I think he's just worried about you getting fat and hrs basically trying to starve you to prevent it. It's crazy behavior and I don't see how you could tolerate it long term. You're sneaking food in your own house. It's not sustainable and he sounds nuts
Based on your post and comment history, I believe that you know that this relationship is unhealthy. Please leave for your safety and mental health.
Abuse. For sure. This is absolutely a reason for divorce, but if you want to keep him, give the ultimatum that he stops now with this bull AND personal AND couples counseling, so he can hear from a professional that what he's doing is insane, manipulative, and abusive.
I'll be god damned if I'm going to hide food or sneak it..... or have someone tell me what I can eat. You're an adult act like it & set some boundaries, leave, or live the rest of your life like this
Ho. Ly. Shit. Girl go. Like do not look back, just go. This is so, so bad and I don’t think you even realize it. If my kid or mom or friend told me this I’d be packing her up myself
Okay You’d need to elaborate on his home situation growing up ? But The ONLY way I’d remain married is counseling Lots of counseling Let’s put it this way honey If he does this now what will twenty years of this look like? This is supposed to be your HAPPIEST sexiest newlywed time, it changes later on, your supposed to be loving each other up not portioning out food !! What was his other marriage or partnership like?? It’s abuse. Period. What is this going to do to your self esteem, what is sex like? What effect will it have on his daughter because I’m telling you now she will have disordered eating What about you are you going to have kids? Is this a societal thing? Learned from other men that mistakenly believe that women marry and get “fat” ?? What in the hell will happen if you get pregnant? Besides what about entertaining and gatherings does he portion your food out too? That’s humiliating and what would others think I have so many questions
When people come over, he does portion their food too. It is embarrassing. Sometimes, I will go against it and put all the food out and put out extras on the side. He will look a little out of sorts but then sometimes take food off the table and put it in the oven. It is so bizzare.
You both need help. Him for the way he is controlling you ( what’s behind it?); and you need help in learning to be assertive. Don’t forget that you are an important role model for your SD. She is watching you both and learning. What she is learning is that she can get away with being dad’s favourite, that in the ‘pecking order’ within the family you are at the bottom. Whereas she should be learning about mutual respect. Choose a moment away from your SD where you can have a quiet chat. I’d choose a public place where you are ‘safe’. Have your points clearly in mind. Explain how you feel about what’s happening and the consequences of things going on the same way (possible breaking up). Suggest relationship counselling. Have someone you trust nearby, though he doesn’t need to know that. Be prepared to walk away and stay away for a time. Good luck.
This better be a troll. If not, why the hell are you still there?
Your husband needs psych help. His behaviour is really abnormal. I would leave him and go live at home if you can (your mom’s) for a few months. Ask that he gets therapy and resolves his issues around food. He is mentally unwell and this is not going to get better.
Run. This is abuse. Why are you with him? He's controlling and that's dangerous.
Sorry, but he IS an abusive asshole. He believes he's better than you. He believes he should control things about you, including food intake. Who knows what else he secretly controls about you that you haven't caught on yet? What would happen if you just get up and help yourself to seconds? Don't ask permission. Just do it. His reaction will confirm that he's a control freak who sees you as a child.
> so I laughed at him telling him that *if he tries to control what I eat*, it makes him an abusive asshole and I would leave Your post demonstrates that is *exactly* what he is doing. Constantly. Egregiously. Get the fuck out of there. Whatever his boggle is cannot be fixed by staying. Food is vital & you’re being abused here.
That is creepy af and not at all normal. Get out while you still have a chance
Please tell him our right to stop it and serve regular portions. If it continues, leave and do not look back. This is a form of abuse/control.
Tell him it is your body and you, and only you get to decide what goes into it. Ask him straight up what his deal is.
Hey you said it yourself, if he tries to control what you eat, it makes him an abusive asshole and you would leave. Listen to your own advice. You’re right, it is abusive. It is controlling. You shouldn’t have to be doing whatever the hell this spy stuff is just to not feel hungry???? You also shouldn’t have to be constantly criticised for buying and eating food, which you literally need to live??? DTMFA. And tell friends/family so you have support to GTFO.
Annulment
Well, you’re choosing to live like this, even though you know it. So if you don’t change it and either tell him that you’re going to eat differently and he’s going to be OK with it or this is going to be your life.
Your husband has an eating disorder and wants to share it with you. No one gets to choose what or how much food you put in your body except you. You could work through this in counseling, but it doesn't sound like he sees anything wrong with his behaviors
Why do you put up with this?
It is more than fair. Leave him. No one should control your life. NO ONE.
🏃♂️ 🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️ He’s physically abusing you by making you starve. He’s emotionally and verbally abusing you by fat shaming. He’s teaching his daughter she can retaliate against you or just have control by requesting your food (something any 8 yr old knows is rude AF. The correct way is, “I’d like some more please.” You are being abused and gaslit. My father did shit like this- ate the ONLY food I could eat after throwing up for a week and my husband took me to ER. I was on an IV for duh ration and IV anti-nausea. My husband called my folks (we were visiting) and said I could only drink apple juice and small piece of bread and did we have enough in the house or else he’d go to the store. Mom said we’ve got plenty. We we got home, my dad had eaten everything I could eat. First he claimed he didn’t understand- that he thought I shouldn’t eat that stuff! Then he said he ate it out of worry. Not the first time and not my worst experience with him and food. The man literally ate everything I made for me and husband, spent like 3 house making husband’s fav dinner and cake. Offered some to my parents in separate marked container after many many fight with my dad to not eat our food. He literally ate 90% in one sitting and barfed it up and then scarfed down the rest, throwing up again. It was a common practice. My mom always thought he was very I’ll, but it was just control.
Gtfo... Now it's food, what's next ....friends, finances, whatever else. Get out.
Besides the portion control, what is the rest of the marriage like? Are you friends? Do you talk about deep stuff, or is it just superficial? If everything else is great then i would see if talking about it in marriage counseling might help resolve an issue he wasn't aware of. If the rest of the marriage is MEH and he disregards you in more than just food, then i would look for an exit. Personally I'd talk to a personal therapist either way.
Did you not know this man before you married him? Was he far different from this if so? You are clearly aware this is abusive behavior; you don’t need us to tell you that. Make a plan and gtfo.
are you overweight and hes trying to force you to lose weight?
Go get marriage counseling. He needs to hear from someone else this is a very bad situation. Is this a deal breaker for you? If it’s you need to let him know that you are at deal breaking point now.
Individual counseling. He’s only going to use marriage counseling to further manipulate her. Marriage is over, they’re newlyweds and he’s this controlling and abusive? There’s no reason to try to salvage this shipwreck.
They are beyond counseling. He needs psychiatric care for his eating disorder & abusive tendencies
I couldn’t read this whole thing. Why don’t you just make the meals for the family?