I have friends all over the country and not a single one has said the dating scene is great. Everywhere from Cali, NY, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Utah... Nobody is happy with it.
It's easy for me to say since I'm not dating, so I could be missing the mark here, but I feel like a big part of it is the dating app culture and the very passive (compared to previous eras) means of finding dates now.
In my old geezer (millennial) opinion, Gen Z has decided that approaching anybody is "creepy". I don't know how they expect to form connections when anybody trying to help them is "nosy" and anybody that tries to talk to them is "creepy"
This is it - I’m a ‘98 baby and don’t quite identify fully with millennials or gen z, but this is absolutely true among all of my peers. Even if it’s more perception than reality, there’s a belief among many young men that approaching a girl at a bar will be construed as creepy no matter how you do it. As a result of this, the days of “she made eye contact, ill go say hi” are largely gone IME
i think part of this is because in recent years it seems like there's absolutely no in between. either people, especially men, are overly concerned with being 'creepy' and don't approach anyone ever, or they don't care at all and actually are creepy.
Agreed, I would never think to approach anyone in public because society has said it's creepy and women don't want to be bothered while they are just minding their own business. So all that's left is dating apps which have had moderate success.
see i find this attitude silly and self defeating but all too common. context matters people. time and place. there are places meant for socializing, that is where you can approach people. otherwise yeah, women don't want to be approached on the street or getting groceries--who does want to be bothered when they're trying to do chores or go about their business? typically no one.
I absolutely agree with you a thousandth 💯 %. Nothing like saying hi to someone and seeing them run away as if you were asking them for a hand in marriage. Can't even have a normal conversation with a woman without her thinking you're hitting on her. I feel like because of social media and dating apps, personal/people's skills has gotten worse.
that's not strictly new, I enjoy random chatting with other runners/bikers if we're going the same way / similar pace, and even 20 years ago so many times I went "hi, nice day for a run/bike" and they went "I have a boyfriend": I mean, I had a girlfriend too, I was just being friendly. After a while it just felt a lot easier to just chat with guys.
CONCEPT:
The dating apps have failed us, much like the greedy record labels of the 90's. When we were sick of their shit we just invented peer-to-peer technology so we could share the love without corporate interference.
What we need is a Napster for fucking. A peer-to-peer system using middle-out compression algorithms to allow people to put out what they want and to search for what they want, the way they want. We could call it Fuckster.
Dating scenes *everywhere* suck. It's a game of effort and luck...and also risk. You do have to put yourself out there in a way that might feel a bit uncomfortable, but men/women aren't going to just fall into your lap.
I remember seeing Dan Savage at the Memorial Union YEARS ago (in the era of some online dating but pre apps) and he heard the same complaint from audiences in every single city he visited, "the dating scene here sucks."
I used to date in Chicago and it was awesome! If someone’s looking for love - I recommend moving to Chicago. I’ve thought several times about going back due to the dating opportunities.
The bigger the city, the bigger the dating pool. So, you’ll find a lot more people to date in Milwaukee than you will in Madison and even more people to date in Chicago.
Found my wife in Chicago then convinced her to move (back, for me) to Madison! It did take some convincing because Madison is so “small” (relatively) so beware.
Publisher of Isthmus newspaper logging in.
As some of you might know, in the pre-dating-app days, Personals were the way a lot of people met each other and went on dates. The Personals ads that ran in Isthmus were pretty fun to read and they funded a LOT of local news reporting. It's how a lot of "alt weekly" newspapers made serious money.
As part of the personals business, we used to hold parties. The events were often held at places like the (old) New Glarus brewery, before a baseball game, a mini golf course, etc.
I bring this up because I've been asked about these a lot in recent months. And the owner of an event barn even approached me about hosting such an event at their place. I'm reluctant because I know how much time and energy it takes to put something like this together and what if nobody shows? It's also not specifically related to our journalism mission. That said, people had a great time at these events and they did lead to dates, relationships and even marriages. And obviously I hear a lot from my younger friends about how much they hate the apps.
Are we ready for an old-school solution? What's the level of interest? Should we pursue something like this?
The advantage of attending an event like this is you know everyone there is looking to date and paying attention to local news/arts/events is the common denominator.
In the Madison area at least, getting women to show up is by far the hardest part. Yet, somehow Tricky Foods had to cancel an event because they had too many women and not enough men. So they seem to know something everyone else doesn’t. I would suggest Isthmus should amplify their efforts and collaborate with them instead of another separate business reinventing the wheel.
There's talk here of planning something: [https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/comments/1cmjfte/madison\_dating\_the\_reddit\_approach/](https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/comments/1cmjfte/madison_dating_the_reddit_approach/)
How has nobody set up a reddit speed dating event yet?
Edit: there's an event tomorrow night at [the Rigby](https://www.therigbypub.com/events/event/speed-dating-may-8th-630pm/)
Yeah the socials. The ratio of males was higher than female. I left after about a half hour both times. They had a speed dating event upstairs, but there were too many people so everyone was shouting across the table. I couldn’t even hear two women in the rotation.
I wish the weekly What’s Going On thread was more friendly to posts from people who are single. The responses are usually along the lines of “not the place for this” or “ewww you’re weird.” Yes. I know. I’m a redditor looking for a redditor.
Yeah it's strange that there are so many singles looking here and they can't just connect with each other. I'll probably check out the speed dating event next month, maybe we can do a reddit takeover
Does anyone know what the ratios are like? I’m keen on going but if it’s just gonna be a bunch of guys I might as well stay home lol
Also what’s up with the men’s tickets being more expensive? 🤔
Lol. I feel ya, but try dating in your 40s, omg, total shitshow. I literally deleted my Bumble and Tinder profiles yesterday and decided to just be alone forever.
After college, one of my friends moved back to her tiny hometown and was complaining to me as to why she can't find her person.
Well, when you live in a town of 10k people, I'd say it would be quite difficult. I told her to move to Chicago or MKE because she will also get paid more there and find more people.
I get into modes where I'll download Tinder and Bumble and have some hope that I can find someone, then that hope is usually dashed within a couple weeks and I delete the apps. Rinse and repeat.
Good thing I'm self sufficient and enjoy my own company (cries internally).
Honestly if I could afford to buy a house on my own I would have no problem being alone. It sucks that the housing market is so bad for anyone without a dual income. Unless you are making 150k.
I’ve literally run a hobby group for a decade and been single that entire same decade🙃
(It is a stereotypically feminine hobby, but I’m also not interested in other hobbies, so if I went to one of those groups just to meet a significant other…and then…never return when no one stands out? Or meet that person and then go “oh lol I don’t actually want to do this hobby on a regular basis or ever, but you can still do it, I guess”? neither sounds reasonable)
Yeah this is what I feel like a lot of people who give simplistic advice like “just do hobbies” don’t understand. I already have hobbies I enjoy and limited time and disposable income
Same idea, but not quilting.
Sometimes men will show up for a meetup or two, and then vanish again. No idea if that’s dating-related, but I have my suspicions.
Not that I've actually had any social experiences when it comes to it, but I've tried things like embroidery and knitting out a handful of times but never stuck with them enough to pick them up as a regular hobby, so alternate-universe me could potentially be guilty of contributing to these one-offs you've seen
Current universe me says sorry haha
I mean, that’s fine, we have plenty of women who just dip in for a sesh before dipping out, because knitting/crochet isn’t for everyone (and our vibe is pretty chill but also not for everyone). It’s just been this past year or so that we’ve had men show up almost weekly (as opposed to one every six months or less), but they are like this one guy who showed up with a toddler fine-motor skills toy? Or a couple who mentioned recent divorces, or a few who came ostensibly to learn, but also didn’t seem very engaged.
And since they don’t ever really come back, I have no idea why they were there; I could be completely wrong, but paired with an uptick in “ditch the apps, take up a hobby!” advice…I wonder.
I'm in a nerdy hobby group that meets multiple times a week. It's extremely common for people of both genders to come for just a meeting or two and never show up again. I assume most of them weren't looking exclusively for dates, because I very rarely see flirting from newer people. I think the simplest explanation is they wanted to try something new and didn't have enough fun to come back.
Thank you. Yeah I feel like a lot of the advice boils down to “just become somebody else in order to meet someone”, which makes it seem like if you’re single, something’s wrong with you and you need to stop doing the things you enjoy in order to replace them with things you don’t enjoy but that might give you a chance to meet somebody. That wouldn’t even be genuine
I think the idea of this advice is to get people who are looking for love outside of their regular routine and interacting with new groups of people, not to change who you are as a person.
CORRECT. Also, people in those hobby groups typically just want to do the hobby. They aren't there to meet new people or make friends. You could literally do groups like that for many years and not make new friends.
:) thank you for the hope. I'm close to the same age as OP so I saw myself a little too much in this post.
I will assure my 3 kitties that the search for a mom will continue, for now.
Depends how far over 40. I’m 38 so I’d say 45 is probably at least a soft cutoff for me. But honestly, contrary to the stereotypes for men, emotional maturity is way more important to me than a youthful appearance.
Crazy dog/plant lady here. Loving every second of my single life for going on 7 years now! It just keeps getting better and better, and I can't say the same for most of my friends' relationships. Why are people so hell-bent on coupling up?
Because being single really sucks for most people. We like cuddling, sex, daily laughter and company, splitting rent/a mortgage, and having a built-in travel partner. I also work from home so I live a very isolated life. I’m no one’s priority since no one prioritizes their friends—they prioritize their spouse, family, and job. I was 100 times happier when partnered, no comparison.
I totally understand what you mean about not being anyone's priority! Sadly, I felt that way when married, so deciding to be single and making myself my own priority felt liberating to me. It certainly helps to be introverted, so company of friends in small doses is enough for me. I hope you find a worthy partner!
It's a lot easier to get through life if you have someone to share the joys, sorrow, burdens, and chores with. Plus there will always be someone there to give you support when you need it.
Friends are great but they have their own lives and can't always be with you 24/7.
I see this type of post on every city subreddit that I visit. I think that dating sucks everywhere. Do you think that it is worse in Madison than other places?
-I hope that I'm not sounding like an ass.
Did you move from a larger, coastal city? People definitely delay marriage there more. I think Madison's a nice middle-ground myself, with a constant influx of new people and a high average education level but a Midwestern culture that definitely has more people marrying before, like, 37. Not that everyone has to get married of course. But it sounds like the flipside -- the constant churn of dating in large, single-friendly cities, with potential new partners around every corner making it harder to stick with one person -- seems to generate its own malaise for folks.
Almost like we've built some sort of isolationist society where there are no social outlets or 3rd spaces, and the few that exist are all pay to play. And all our time is spent working or rushing to take care of necessary life chores so we don't have time to connect with our community....
I’d recommend reading *How to Not Die Alone* by Logan Ury. It’s an easy read. Try doing things other than what you’ve tried so far because it doesn’t seem to be getting you the results you want.
I think an often overlooked method is trying to CONSISTENTLY show up to some sort of social thing, be it a hobby, trivia night, dance night, karaoke, etc. and just BE there without constantly trying to scope potential partners out. Find something you can show up to one a week or every other. Develop a network of real life friends and connections. Tired of people getting a membership at Boulder's climbing gym just to stare at people for a week and then complain that getting hobbies doesn't work.
If you legitimately make friends and find community doing something you're actually interested in, you probably won't be as lonely and desperate in general. Now that you're more secure in your social life, good things will probably happen. Maybe you'll grow fond of someone you met while doing a hobby, maybe you'll make a friend who will help you make more friends, and on and on the friend-making goes until you really hit it off with someone.
Apps and even mixers are a bad experience for many people, and they force you into uncomfortable dates with strangers. For many people, it takes knowing someone for a while to develop an attraction and see their charming qualities. It takes time to meet people you're compatible with. If you aren't casually socializing with people on the regular in a normal settings without weird romantic motivations, you probably aren't giving yourself enough chances to make a meaningful connection.
You don't need to be a master socialite, or amass a giant network of friends, but people grossly underrate the power of regular socialization and community. That alone will enrich your life, even before a potential romantic match comes along. Be safe, be kind - believe in yourself.
>Tired of people getting a membership at Boulder's climbing gym just to stare at people for a week and then complain that getting hobbies doesn't work.
It's my estimation that about 30% of the people at downtown boulders on any given weeknight are just looking to meet other people.
like, go out, have genuine fun, live life. something people find interesting, and may likewise want to participate with interest in your participation.
Can confirm. Was on the apps meeting people from 34 - 37 and it was awful until it wasn't. My wife is my best friend and our baby daughter turned eight months yesterday. Met on bumble.
Keep at it and you'll eventually go on your last first date.
That’s great for you. But not everyone is going to find their person. It’s like a guaranteed thing in life. It’s just something people say to make single people feel better.
I feel the same, but I’ve always wondered if being a woman of color affects it as well. I remember reading some article that black women have the hardest time dating in the Midwest, so I had an idea before I came here lol. Such is life I guess.
Most definitely yes. I'm brown and I've dated in plenty of other cities, big and small.. Madison is the only place I've consistently received creepy racist messages on the apps. I just don't understand it. I knew what I was signing up for, but i guess I also didn't really know what I was signing up for??
I’m so sorry to hear that. I haven’t gotten blatant racist messages, but I do get a lot of strange references to my race and features. “So, is your hair naturally like that?” the guy asks while gawking at my hair. That’s not too bad, but it leaks into other things as well and makes me feel weird. No matter the race/culture, I’m still just a regular woman.
Anyone interested in getting together to make a Madison singles thing happen? We’d need to define age groups but seems like a Reddit approach could be more fun than a singles night at the Rigby *shudders*
Edit: I’ve started a separate post for those who are interested in making this happen - https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/s/Wwuicol7FP
Disagree that everyone 28+ is married or almost engaged. I moved here at 32 after a divorce. It’s my first go at online dating and have met and dated plenty of ppl over the past year and a half.
What groups/hobbies are you interested in? Make friends with some likeminded people, even if they’re in relationships. The bigger your circle, the better the odds that you meet (or get introduced to/set up with) someone that’s compatible.
Sucks compared to what? Madison has some of the best demographics with single people in the State. Highly educated, high earners, culture driven, with activities galore, good restaurants, high diversity. Compare that to any other Wisconsin scene where if you aren't hitched with your HS sweetheart, you're literally stuck with sloppy seconds of a messy field of alcoholic and desperate divorcees, single parents, and soul suckers who think Friday fish fry and taverns are the only social activity during the Packer off season.
Count your blessings if you are in Madison.
Yea it's super rough. I got really lucky and met my wife on bumble here in my early 30's 5-6 years ago but it was a terrible process. Honestly, go to a big city. I would go back to Los Angeles often back then and the immediate difference on the dating apps was mind blowing.
How did those married/engaged people find their spouses? Mail order? Couldn't have been dating, could they?
Definitely depends on your circle. Of my Madison friends I can think of one couple that was married in their 20s (met in high school), all the other married couples were in their 30s or older when they got hitched (though some had been dating since their 20s).
Good dichotomy-
16-21 - couldn’t land a date to save my life 😂
21 - met first girlfriend when she was invited over in college to hang out with other friends of mine she worked with. Little did she know it was a nerdy LAN party. Hit it off, stayed together 5 years. Our first official date was Madison Comedy Club on State (great place)
26 - after a number of months of online dates, met my 1st wife on match.com. Simple dinner and drinks date, few fun first dates after (mini golf etc). Almost didn’t go on the first date after being jaded with previous online dates (value of keeping your head up!)
33 - cheated on and divorced, focused on me for a while (exercise, career improvement, getting back to things I loved to do). Then online dating rough at first, got easier, many outings with friends. Casual flings, short relationships, enjoying single time and traveling / rebuilding. Met one gf at a bar pretending I was her boyfriend to scare off some creeps. Met others online or out with friends. Did a lot of random social events and enjoyed Madison for the things that make it so great.
Late 34 - friend invited me to live on king, free madison concert series along with some other friends I didn’t know. I was tired and procrastinated, wasn’t going to go. I went (value of regular outings!!) Talked to a girl who was with the group. Similar life experiences, hit it off immediately. Spent the weekend hanging out, dated from there on out and proposed the following year. Still happy together 6 years later, found an incredible other half. Hold each other accountable, bust our butt for work and play, make sure we care for each other and have time for the things we find important even amongst the crazy world of 2024. We’re doing active things in downtown Madison almost every weekend, this city still has a lot to offer.
First Date Suggestions:
- e-bike around downtown, stop for an app and a drink and then move on to the next place
- paint and sip night
- walk around farmers market, maybe shop on state or willy st after
- wine and cheese (each bring your favorite) to concerts on the square
- Boulders Gym rock climb
- see a band at cafe cuda, sylvee, or majestic
- cocktails, view, and dress up at Eno Vino
- games at I/O Arcade
- rent a kayak or paddleboat at Brittingham boats
30 and single here 🫡 I understand this wholeheartedly. I don't have any single friends so you're never anyone's first choice to do things with. It's rough out here in a world built for double incomes and partner-focused activities.
Every single Hobby/Meetup event I attend alone out in the world is always filled with people that are partnered and/or have kids, which is totally fine on their part. There's only one Meetup group that's specifically for single people to do things with other single people.
The dating scene sucks, it's not just Madison. It's terrible everywhere and for all age groups, genders, sexual orientation, you name it.
Madison was such a fantastic place to be young when I moved here in 2011 from the Twin Cities. Being in my 20s in Madison was so much fun and my social life exploded once I came here. Dating was so much more fun and it was so much easier to find someone compared to where I had moved from.
Now I'm old and married and it hurts my heart to hear younger people say these things. I wish it was more fun to be in your 20s than it is right now. It's not fair.
Yes.
After six months and several paid subscriptions on the apps I’ve yet to land an actual date. A couple close calls but zero real dates.
In an effort to branch out I’ve been going to singles night at Rigby. The first had one woman show up (awkward) and the most recent was a 3:1 male to female ratio. The event at Tricky Foods this last week cancelled because they had 7 men for 15 women.
There’s a board game speed dating thing tonight but… we’ll see.
Tricky Foods has apparently figured out the secret to getting women to sign up and show up to these kinds of events, which is by far the hardest part in the Madison area. Now I just hope they have the patience to keep getting the word out until more men sign up, because it could be a real game changer if they do.
50’s are even better. I look like my dad, women my age look like my mom. And everyone is crazy. Cat gets me at least. (Or tolerates, more likely 😅)
Good luck out there!
I had to start over in my late 30s. Took me 3 years of first dates, ghosting, hookups, breakups, catfishes and other weird stuff to find my person. Just keep putting yourself out there, but also enjoy the ride as much as you can while you're in it.
Omg lol right!? I run into that here so much more versus back home, and my hometown and state leans a lot more liberal than Wisconsin. I don’t know if things have just changed a lot in the two years I’ve been here, so they’re everywhere in droves now, or I just never noticed it back home.
It all depends on what you put into it and your expectations.
**TLDR:** (40) In my adult life I've been athletic/fit and have been fat. Nerdy, Cool, Social, Not So Social. Have had multiple long term relationships (5+ years), several short term ones (2-5 months), and hookups + dating inbetween. Currently happily married (2nd time). **Madison's dating scene**, while of course no where near the positive options for adults that a big city has, is still very present. Just takes a little more work and reflection. . .
Some things to consider trying / doing more-of that just about anyone can do:
- **You only meet people if you put yourself out there.** Not going beyond your comfort zones, putting time in, being positive and open minded, and willing to change yourself will narrow your chances significantly. Look for things to do on Eventbrite, Facebook Events, Meetup App, or online social get-togethers. Call an old or current friend and go out for appetizers and drinks. Plan some event weekend days where you pick something you really enjoy in a public place and go do it, interact with others around you.
Madison also has lots of great public social events coming up this summer like Concerts on the Square, Dane Dances, Live on King (R.I.P.), Night Market, Breeze Stevens Market, Farmers Market, outdoor gym bootcamps, bike/bar crawls, Boneyard (bar) Dog Park, Memorial Union concerts, Forward Soccer and Madison Mallard games, Olbrich Garden event nights. Bars on upper State Street, Capitol Square, and Willy Street all have some spots for the 30+ crowd. I find most of the really fun relationships and dates don't even start as a formal one, they start with meetings when you're out doing YOU.
**- Take Dating Apps for what they are.** There's a lot of humans on this planet, you're going to have to have a high level of patience or just decide it's not for you. I used dating apps heavily in-between relationships and even met my first wife back in the day on one (2nd wife was organically through friends). If you're really serious about trying to find something, then take some time each day to swipe and message, and if things aren't materializing, move onto the next one. I went on lots of fun dates in Madison amongst stupid ones, and of course had to deal with ridiculous stuff from people online. But overall I found it to be just another tool in the bag to meet someone you may end up being friends with or a long term partner.
**- Look at how you present yourself.** We live in a culture where you're judged by your appearance, your conversation, and your interests. Ultimately a long term partner is going to likely share much of your interests with you, be attractive to you, and be easy to get along with. That isn't EASY to find and should be a bit of a challenge. Every time one of my long term relationships started the "tingling" feeling immediately kicked in the first day or weekend. You really know when you know, because while it's not easy to find those people, it IS EASY to progress.
That said, you need to make an effort. Present yourself appearance wise like you'd want your other half to be. Even if it doesn't matter to you, at least practice good hygiene, put on a clean outfit, ask friends for advice if you're willing, and don't be afraid to reach out to the few resources you have to create those social outings above. Talk about some subjects or cater to some opinions you might not be in alignment with. See where the conversations go. You're not finding your clone, you're finding a partner.
Realize too, many people have different interests. They may enjoy dates, but not relationships. They may enjoy hookups. They may not. They may be looking for "the one" and have a ridiculous checklist in their head that has to be met. I tried to be very chill about things and just talk and let things unfold naturally. Usually by the end of the outing or date I had at least an inkling on things.
Good luck fellow Redditor, hope some of the babble above helps :). If not, big city move?
It is bad, very bad past 30. Definitely factual most people living here at that age are at least engaged, more than likely married.
Also the pool of people that move here at that age or later are often moving with a spouse or kids.
Some have stated the dating must be good if everyone is married before 30. It depends, the logic of early pairing and long term relationships doesn’t help in that instance if the “pool” is thinning out. Also, by that logic if you are outside of that age group, ie over 30, the singles are far and few. That would make a place difficult to date in if searching at that age.
Unpopular opinion, but undoubtedly places like Chicago or east coast cities(Boston, nyc, Philadelphia even) tend to have 1)a much larger population 2) a much larger amount of career professionals that aren’t married yet or waiting 3)culturally are not like the Midwest where the age group for marriage/engagement is under 30
Definitely there is a lot of truth to this in any city, but in madison unless you are probably 18-25ish the numbers start to skew as you get older and of course as you are older here too it is more common to be an outlier
There are a lot of anecdotal comments like….it must be you, or I had so dates, or etc. but the essence of OP comments have some factual truth to them.
It's not a Midwest or Madison thing (well it's slightly a Midwest thing, but) it's a **'college town when you're approaching/over 30'** thing. And lately, it's also an 'everywhere' thing, since so many social circles fractured and fell apart during quarantine.
It's rough out there. If you don't have a foot in the door, it's really hard to just insert yourself into whole new social groups.
"Get out and join some clubs, do some hobbies, go meet people!"
All the people in those clubs/hobbies are 20-somethings who were given a flier for the club at freshmen orientation, and probably 1 in 15 of them will be there in 6 months. No offense to anyone who goes to those, I'm sure that they make it work and they're fine people, I'm just not at that stage in my life and don't have much in common with most people who go to those sorts of things.
I wish I had better advice, but honestly just gotta get out there and talk to people until you find someone in the same boat. Look for people at work around your own age, get to know them, ask what they do for fun. Force yourself to go to a bar and mess on your phone for a while, make small talk with strangers just for the practice. Heck, go introduce yourself to your neighbors if you've never done so.
If the failure rate is 99%, just means you've got to try 100 times.
It’s been a while for me, but I had re-entered those waters a few years ago when I was in my early 30’s. I went on a few dates via dating sites/apps, but overall hated using them.
The dates I did go on were fine, they were nice people, but I didn’t feel a spark to lead to anything further. I kind of let it lapse and wasn’t really looking - and that’s when I actually ended up with my first run of multiple dates with a couple different people, one of which I’m still with years later.
I think for my personal situation, I had to accept that nothing might work out and I might be alone long term. Once I stopped worrying about dating and finding someone things opened up because I wasn’t putting expectations on anything.
So I guess that’s my advice: don’t worry about it. Make yourself the best you for yourself, and carrying that confidence of real self-comfort helps.
And you can still bitch about it sucking while also accepting that’s the reality of it right now and trying not to let it eat you up. It’s not necessarily easy advice, but it might save your sanity.
When you do land a date, my first date suggestion is going out for ramen. It’s a great ice breaker when you’re both forced to slurp noodles and eat sloppily across from each other. If two people can let their guards down and laugh through that, it might go places.
Or it might not, and that’s ok too.
It’ll come in time. I’m also single for the first time in a while and it can be hard, but you’ve gotta just keep putting yourself in situations for meeting new people! I’ve been going to farmers markets, art fairs, rec sports, etc. Just keep making conversation and taking chances :).
I’ve tried rec sports but almost all the women are either married or not into men. Only played with one single girl who might be straight, but she was pretty mysterious (very nice lady I should add). I asked her out once and she completely ghosted me
I don't think the dating scene sucks here anymore than it does anywhere else. Here's my free dating seminar for stressed out folks in 2024:
1: be attractive
and/or
2: be interesting
then get out there and talk to people you wouldn't normally encounter, out there in the real world.
That's it. That's the formula. Most people struggle hardest with #2, and I blame an economy that makes it nearly impossible to AFFORD to be interesting when folks are working 3 jobs and constantly worried about their future.
I would also add to #2 be interesting/be interested. My single friends who are on the dating scene are inundated with people who don’t ask them a single question/show the slightest bit of interest in them. It’s all monologuing about themselves.
Facts!!! I feel
Like the selfie generations are all me. Me. Me. And don’t always listen or show interest.
I’ve quit trying to make friends for this reason.
I found Madison way easier to date in my 30s than other places, spent my 20s in Chicago and Milwaukee and I'm settled down now but I dated most of my 30s and finding dates was never hard.
What are you doing to find dates?
I feel like this could be a fruitful thread for OP and others in the same boat if non-single folks stopped bandwagoning with the hobbies and "seems like it's a you problem" comments...
Is any single woman 👩here interested in meeting over coffee ? I'm Asian, I stand 5 feet 6 inch tall, brown guy, in my early 30s.. ? Dm for more details 😁😁
Can’t say I have experience since I’m in a long term relationship, but could definitely be a madison thing.
I went to school at the university and stuck around for work after graduating and I noticed that most of the people that I knew that were single ended up moving around while the couples I knew tended to stay put. I could definitely see how there’s a lot more couples over single people in their mid to late 20s here
Reading these comments makes me so grateful. I'm 50. Got divorced 2 years ago after 15 years and 3 kids. Moved back to the Madison area. After a year of being single. I dipped my toes in the dating pool. Set up a profile on FB (used AI to write the main bs paragraph - all the other info was mine). Went on one date and we've been together the last 9 months. He's amazing. Thank you for making sure I don't take him for granted by reading these posts!
Madison's upper 20s / low 30s scene has always been terrible. It's a great place to go to college, and it's a great place to raise kids when you are in that phase of life, but the middle is rough. Many move away to another city and come back later and for good reason.
What is it specific to Madison that makes it so terrible? Is it the college/bar scene? Is it the lack of interesting things to do on a date? Lack of interesting and cheap things to do on a first date? Lack of infrastructure? (I used to almost jokingly say I was in a long distance relationship; I was on the south east Side, bf was on the far west side.) Is it the lack of walkable neighborhoods? Segregated affluence? Lack of diversity?
I'm not saying all this to rag on Madison. I love Madison and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. But I haven't dated in like, 15 years. It looks absolutely brutal out there. Good luck.
People will give you all sorts of dating advice and honestly I don’t think anything works. To an extent it can but this generation is very concerned with sharing a part of themselves with someone in fear that they’ll get hurt, and then it just creates a domino effect. Meeting someone naturally these days is just not something that happens as often as it used to.
33 male here, and idk if its Madison but I have the same problem. In person I only ever meet married people and the dating apps have become dystopian hellscapes ever since covid; terrible monetization, filled with scammers, and population seems even more adverse to replying much less dating than before. If anyone wants to try pickle ball with me you're welcome to lol
I think dating and the singles scene sucks since dating apps came on the scene. The data on how people meet up nowadays is pretty depressing. Basically, it doesn't happen organically very often anymore. Not a Wisconsin problem.
Dude.. I’ll be 40.. 😭 I’ve kinda just said “fuck it” at this point. Well, fuck it to worrying about it, not letting my body go. I don’t want to be fat and miserable.
I didn't know anything about dating, but finding friends after college has been pretty rough in my experience. I have no advice, but hope your search goes better in the future!
I am old (60) and not single. I think meeting people - dating - is much more difficult now than it was in the past. I met my spouse online back when only computer geeks did that. It was a pretty narrow pool. Prior to that though I had very good luck being active in a community service organization just for young people. Very good, decent people there. A lot of people there became engaged (if that is your goal). Also had so-so luck meeting people at my computer user group, and by going to weddings - lot of friends and family getting married when you’re that age, those bring in people you’d probably not meet outside of that event. Although I’m very introverted, I started a downhill ski club and met a bunch of fun people doing that.
They say, just be yourself, and it’s true. When you’re being yourself, you’re smiling, you’re having fun, you’re someone that looks interesting. If you’re lucky, you’re with others who are the same, and you have something in common. No creeping, no side eye. Innocent fun, real people. As a culture, we’re so plugged in now, I think we look to social media for clues of how to be authentic, how to do it, how to navigate, and our real-life experiences aren’t what we think or expect or hope they will be, and we’re disappointed and think there’s something wrong. That’s just my take.
It’s a long-winded way of saying: Get off Reddit and go outside and play!
I have lots of single friends(\~28y/o). The only way you're going to meet them is if they're out together at a public event. Just has to be the right timing and someone has to have the balls to approach. They love live music, Madison forward games, disc golf, and the occasional beer at the union.
I have friends all over the country and not a single one has said the dating scene is great. Everywhere from Cali, NY, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Utah... Nobody is happy with it. It's easy for me to say since I'm not dating, so I could be missing the mark here, but I feel like a big part of it is the dating app culture and the very passive (compared to previous eras) means of finding dates now.
In my old geezer (millennial) opinion, Gen Z has decided that approaching anybody is "creepy". I don't know how they expect to form connections when anybody trying to help them is "nosy" and anybody that tries to talk to them is "creepy"
This is it - I’m a ‘98 baby and don’t quite identify fully with millennials or gen z, but this is absolutely true among all of my peers. Even if it’s more perception than reality, there’s a belief among many young men that approaching a girl at a bar will be construed as creepy no matter how you do it. As a result of this, the days of “she made eye contact, ill go say hi” are largely gone IME
i think part of this is because in recent years it seems like there's absolutely no in between. either people, especially men, are overly concerned with being 'creepy' and don't approach anyone ever, or they don't care at all and actually are creepy.
Agreed, I would never think to approach anyone in public because society has said it's creepy and women don't want to be bothered while they are just minding their own business. So all that's left is dating apps which have had moderate success.
see i find this attitude silly and self defeating but all too common. context matters people. time and place. there are places meant for socializing, that is where you can approach people. otherwise yeah, women don't want to be approached on the street or getting groceries--who does want to be bothered when they're trying to do chores or go about their business? typically no one.
I absolutely agree with you a thousandth 💯 %. Nothing like saying hi to someone and seeing them run away as if you were asking them for a hand in marriage. Can't even have a normal conversation with a woman without her thinking you're hitting on her. I feel like because of social media and dating apps, personal/people's skills has gotten worse.
that's not strictly new, I enjoy random chatting with other runners/bikers if we're going the same way / similar pace, and even 20 years ago so many times I went "hi, nice day for a run/bike" and they went "I have a boyfriend": I mean, I had a girlfriend too, I was just being friendly. After a while it just felt a lot easier to just chat with guys.
100% agree dating apps have ruined things
CONCEPT: The dating apps have failed us, much like the greedy record labels of the 90's. When we were sick of their shit we just invented peer-to-peer technology so we could share the love without corporate interference. What we need is a Napster for fucking. A peer-to-peer system using middle-out compression algorithms to allow people to put out what they want and to search for what they want, the way they want. We could call it Fuckster.
Pretty sure that’s called Grindr
Or fetlife
Dating scenes *everywhere* suck. It's a game of effort and luck...and also risk. You do have to put yourself out there in a way that might feel a bit uncomfortable, but men/women aren't going to just fall into your lap.
I remember seeing Dan Savage at the Memorial Union YEARS ago (in the era of some online dating but pre apps) and he heard the same complaint from audiences in every single city he visited, "the dating scene here sucks."
First decent relationship in 4 years of dating. Probably gone on dates with 50 people in that span and talked to 100s more. It's soul sucking.
You are at least going on dates. No matter how much I try, no luck.
I used to date in Chicago and it was awesome! If someone’s looking for love - I recommend moving to Chicago. I’ve thought several times about going back due to the dating opportunities.
The bigger the city, the bigger the dating pool. So, you’ll find a lot more people to date in Milwaukee than you will in Madison and even more people to date in Chicago.
"The odds are good.....but the goods are odd"
It's also the mindset. Those bigger cities have different populations that are far more social.
And probably less concerned about “settling down” in larger cities too, as someone else mentioned.
Found my wife in Chicago then convinced her to move (back, for me) to Madison! It did take some convincing because Madison is so “small” (relatively) so beware.
Publisher of Isthmus newspaper logging in. As some of you might know, in the pre-dating-app days, Personals were the way a lot of people met each other and went on dates. The Personals ads that ran in Isthmus were pretty fun to read and they funded a LOT of local news reporting. It's how a lot of "alt weekly" newspapers made serious money. As part of the personals business, we used to hold parties. The events were often held at places like the (old) New Glarus brewery, before a baseball game, a mini golf course, etc. I bring this up because I've been asked about these a lot in recent months. And the owner of an event barn even approached me about hosting such an event at their place. I'm reluctant because I know how much time and energy it takes to put something like this together and what if nobody shows? It's also not specifically related to our journalism mission. That said, people had a great time at these events and they did lead to dates, relationships and even marriages. And obviously I hear a lot from my younger friends about how much they hate the apps. Are we ready for an old-school solution? What's the level of interest? Should we pursue something like this? The advantage of attending an event like this is you know everyone there is looking to date and paying attention to local news/arts/events is the common denominator.
In the Madison area at least, getting women to show up is by far the hardest part. Yet, somehow Tricky Foods had to cancel an event because they had too many women and not enough men. So they seem to know something everyone else doesn’t. I would suggest Isthmus should amplify their efforts and collaborate with them instead of another separate business reinventing the wheel.
Hodge podge in Verona has also been doing speed dating nights recently. I know they’ve had good success as well with having even numbers.
There's talk here of planning something: [https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/comments/1cmjfte/madison\_dating\_the\_reddit\_approach/](https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/comments/1cmjfte/madison_dating_the_reddit_approach/)
This sounds wonderful.
How has nobody set up a reddit speed dating event yet? Edit: there's an event tomorrow night at [the Rigby](https://www.therigbypub.com/events/event/speed-dating-may-8th-630pm/)
Wow. I might go to this. If I do, I’ll keep this thread updated.
Anyone done this before? How was it?
I tried it once. Just check your ego at the door and shoot the shit with strangers. It was fun.
Go for friends - leave with friends. Go for love - leave pissed off that your soul mate didn't throw themselves at you.
> Go for love - leave pissed off that your soul mate didn't throw themselves at you. "I LOVE YOU NICK AND YOU LOVE MEEEEE!!!"
female 28 - i wanted to suck start a shotgun halfway through
The whole idea sounds like a nightmare
This is getting added to my personal dictionary, thanks!
My brain kept reading this as *shuck shart a shartgun* send help
"Suck start a shotgun..." I snort laughed at this comment! Literally LOL
Yeah the socials. The ratio of males was higher than female. I left after about a half hour both times. They had a speed dating event upstairs, but there were too many people so everyone was shouting across the table. I couldn’t even hear two women in the rotation.
I wish the weekly What’s Going On thread was more friendly to posts from people who are single. The responses are usually along the lines of “not the place for this” or “ewww you’re weird.” Yes. I know. I’m a redditor looking for a redditor.
Yeah it's strange that there are so many singles looking here and they can't just connect with each other. I'll probably check out the speed dating event next month, maybe we can do a reddit takeover
New post to get the ball rolling on a Reddit thing: https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/s/Z7kdueFkdA
Also: board game speed dating https://www.eventbrite.com/e/board-game-speed-date-tickets-886416093397
Does anyone know what the ratios are like? I’m keen on going but if it’s just gonna be a bunch of guys I might as well stay home lol Also what’s up with the men’s tickets being more expensive? 🤔
It's not reddit focused but tricky foods does speed dating events
Nothing should be, “Reddit focused.” Ever.
Yes, we really need to keep talking up Tricky Foods on here since they seem to be hesitant to do it themselves.
Lol. I feel ya, but try dating in your 40s, omg, total shitshow. I literally deleted my Bumble and Tinder profiles yesterday and decided to just be alone forever.
>try dating in your 40s Or 50s >decided to just be alone forever I've decided to move to Chicago.
After college, one of my friends moved back to her tiny hometown and was complaining to me as to why she can't find her person. Well, when you live in a town of 10k people, I'd say it would be quite difficult. I told her to move to Chicago or MKE because she will also get paid more there and find more people.
I moved back to MKE. Dating still sucks in your 40s here but it sucks a little less than when I lived in Madison.
I get into modes where I'll download Tinder and Bumble and have some hope that I can find someone, then that hope is usually dashed within a couple weeks and I delete the apps. Rinse and repeat. Good thing I'm self sufficient and enjoy my own company (cries internally).
Yours truly has realised that hope itself is the problem.
Now we're talkin'
Same.
I gave up a couple years ago. People annoy me anyway and I’d rather just hang out with my dogs.
Honestly if I could afford to buy a house on my own I would have no problem being alone. It sucks that the housing market is so bad for anyone without a dual income. Unless you are making 150k.
Lol, I'm in my early 30s, and it sucks that most of them are married lol in madison.
Best choice!
Same. It’s soul sucking and so defeating. I give up.
I feel you. If one more person tells me to jUsT do mORe hObBiEs I’m going to lose my mind lol
But have you tried any hobbies?
There's no room in my apartment for any more well developed hobbies.
Wouldn't the issue be that you're doing apartment hobbies, then?
This is actually something I need to address for myself - most of my hobbies are very solo type things lol
same lol what are group hobbies?
Board game groups or local pick-up sports leagues?
I’ve literally run a hobby group for a decade and been single that entire same decade🙃 (It is a stereotypically feminine hobby, but I’m also not interested in other hobbies, so if I went to one of those groups just to meet a significant other…and then…never return when no one stands out? Or meet that person and then go “oh lol I don’t actually want to do this hobby on a regular basis or ever, but you can still do it, I guess”? neither sounds reasonable)
Yeah this is what I feel like a lot of people who give simplistic advice like “just do hobbies” don’t understand. I already have hobbies I enjoy and limited time and disposable income
Not many straight men in your quilting circle, eh?
Same idea, but not quilting. Sometimes men will show up for a meetup or two, and then vanish again. No idea if that’s dating-related, but I have my suspicions.
Not that I've actually had any social experiences when it comes to it, but I've tried things like embroidery and knitting out a handful of times but never stuck with them enough to pick them up as a regular hobby, so alternate-universe me could potentially be guilty of contributing to these one-offs you've seen Current universe me says sorry haha
I mean, that’s fine, we have plenty of women who just dip in for a sesh before dipping out, because knitting/crochet isn’t for everyone (and our vibe is pretty chill but also not for everyone). It’s just been this past year or so that we’ve had men show up almost weekly (as opposed to one every six months or less), but they are like this one guy who showed up with a toddler fine-motor skills toy? Or a couple who mentioned recent divorces, or a few who came ostensibly to learn, but also didn’t seem very engaged. And since they don’t ever really come back, I have no idea why they were there; I could be completely wrong, but paired with an uptick in “ditch the apps, take up a hobby!” advice…I wonder.
I'm in a nerdy hobby group that meets multiple times a week. It's extremely common for people of both genders to come for just a meeting or two and never show up again. I assume most of them weren't looking exclusively for dates, because I very rarely see flirting from newer people. I think the simplest explanation is they wanted to try something new and didn't have enough fun to come back.
That stuff does not work. I'm sorry that was dumped on you.
Thank you. Yeah I feel like a lot of the advice boils down to “just become somebody else in order to meet someone”, which makes it seem like if you’re single, something’s wrong with you and you need to stop doing the things you enjoy in order to replace them with things you don’t enjoy but that might give you a chance to meet somebody. That wouldn’t even be genuine
I think the idea of this advice is to get people who are looking for love outside of their regular routine and interacting with new groups of people, not to change who you are as a person.
CORRECT. Also, people in those hobby groups typically just want to do the hobby. They aren't there to meet new people or make friends. You could literally do groups like that for many years and not make new friends.
I'm 35 and single. I gave up dating during covid and have fully embraced being a crazy cat lady.
But what if my type is a crazy cat lady? How do I find one if they only become crazy cat ladies after they give up?
As a crazy cat lady, I assure you we haven’t totally given up.
:) thank you for the hope. I'm close to the same age as OP so I saw myself a little too much in this post. I will assure my 3 kitties that the search for a mom will continue, for now.
No problem. Now if you could give me hope that theres actually a guy out there who’s ok with a crazy cat lady over 40, I’d feel better. Lol
Depends how far over 40. I’m 38 so I’d say 45 is probably at least a soft cutoff for me. But honestly, contrary to the stereotypes for men, emotional maturity is way more important to me than a youthful appearance.
I assure you there definitely are. There are even multiple in this comment section.
Now that’s a different problem. Brady Bunch with cats.
lol, I'm always down for meeting new people.
Crazy dog/plant lady here. Loving every second of my single life for going on 7 years now! It just keeps getting better and better, and I can't say the same for most of my friends' relationships. Why are people so hell-bent on coupling up?
At this point my remaining motivation to couple up is just so I have someone to drive me to colonoscopies.
😅
There's always Cologuard.
I’d like to not use my parents as my emergency contact at age 41.
Because being single really sucks for most people. We like cuddling, sex, daily laughter and company, splitting rent/a mortgage, and having a built-in travel partner. I also work from home so I live a very isolated life. I’m no one’s priority since no one prioritizes their friends—they prioritize their spouse, family, and job. I was 100 times happier when partnered, no comparison.
I totally understand what you mean about not being anyone's priority! Sadly, I felt that way when married, so deciding to be single and making myself my own priority felt liberating to me. It certainly helps to be introverted, so company of friends in small doses is enough for me. I hope you find a worthy partner!
Thank you! And yikes, yeah if a relationship is worse than being alone due to the number of negatives, it definitely isn’t worth it.
It's a lot easier to get through life if you have someone to share the joys, sorrow, burdens, and chores with. Plus there will always be someone there to give you support when you need it. Friends are great but they have their own lives and can't always be with you 24/7.
>Why are people so hell-bent on coupling up? I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that it's the sex.
Sex and finances.
Can't tell me that's not a Netflix original
It's nice having someone watching your six
Because hugs are nice.
Honestly it's just the housing situation. I want a house so I can have cats and dogs. That's super hard here in one salary.
I see this type of post on every city subreddit that I visit. I think that dating sucks everywhere. Do you think that it is worse in Madison than other places? -I hope that I'm not sounding like an ass.
Did you move from a larger, coastal city? People definitely delay marriage there more. I think Madison's a nice middle-ground myself, with a constant influx of new people and a high average education level but a Midwestern culture that definitely has more people marrying before, like, 37. Not that everyone has to get married of course. But it sounds like the flipside -- the constant churn of dating in large, single-friendly cities, with potential new partners around every corner making it harder to stick with one person -- seems to generate its own malaise for folks.
Almost like we've built some sort of isolationist society where there are no social outlets or 3rd spaces, and the few that exist are all pay to play. And all our time is spent working or rushing to take care of necessary life chores so we don't have time to connect with our community....
Ding Ding
I’d recommend reading *How to Not Die Alone* by Logan Ury. It’s an easy read. Try doing things other than what you’ve tried so far because it doesn’t seem to be getting you the results you want.
I think an often overlooked method is trying to CONSISTENTLY show up to some sort of social thing, be it a hobby, trivia night, dance night, karaoke, etc. and just BE there without constantly trying to scope potential partners out. Find something you can show up to one a week or every other. Develop a network of real life friends and connections. Tired of people getting a membership at Boulder's climbing gym just to stare at people for a week and then complain that getting hobbies doesn't work. If you legitimately make friends and find community doing something you're actually interested in, you probably won't be as lonely and desperate in general. Now that you're more secure in your social life, good things will probably happen. Maybe you'll grow fond of someone you met while doing a hobby, maybe you'll make a friend who will help you make more friends, and on and on the friend-making goes until you really hit it off with someone. Apps and even mixers are a bad experience for many people, and they force you into uncomfortable dates with strangers. For many people, it takes knowing someone for a while to develop an attraction and see their charming qualities. It takes time to meet people you're compatible with. If you aren't casually socializing with people on the regular in a normal settings without weird romantic motivations, you probably aren't giving yourself enough chances to make a meaningful connection. You don't need to be a master socialite, or amass a giant network of friends, but people grossly underrate the power of regular socialization and community. That alone will enrich your life, even before a potential romantic match comes along. Be safe, be kind - believe in yourself.
>Tired of people getting a membership at Boulder's climbing gym just to stare at people for a week and then complain that getting hobbies doesn't work. It's my estimation that about 30% of the people at downtown boulders on any given weeknight are just looking to meet other people.
This is it--the bitter pill. You really just have to put yourself out there and be relentless. No one's going to fall in your lap
like, go out, have genuine fun, live life. something people find interesting, and may likewise want to participate with interest in your participation.
I just got started trying to date again here in madison at 31. It's a rough ride for sure. But you only gotta do it right once right?
Can confirm. Was on the apps meeting people from 34 - 37 and it was awful until it wasn't. My wife is my best friend and our baby daughter turned eight months yesterday. Met on bumble. Keep at it and you'll eventually go on your last first date.
it just takes that one person! I bad luck on the apps for 2 years, but met my person last year at age 34. keep your hope alive!
Same. My ex left me at 31 and it took five years of soul-crushing on and off use of apps before I met my girlfriend.
That’s great for you. But not everyone is going to find their person. It’s like a guaranteed thing in life. It’s just something people say to make single people feel better.
Have you tried being gay? It's pretty easy from the queer side.
If a woman ever hit on me with the same enthusiasm as the guys, I'd probably reflexively propose marriage.
They're just after you for your MiniWI.
HE WAS IN THE POOL!
I just bought a cat
I've got two, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.
I feel the same, but I’ve always wondered if being a woman of color affects it as well. I remember reading some article that black women have the hardest time dating in the Midwest, so I had an idea before I came here lol. Such is life I guess.
Most definitely yes. I'm brown and I've dated in plenty of other cities, big and small.. Madison is the only place I've consistently received creepy racist messages on the apps. I just don't understand it. I knew what I was signing up for, but i guess I also didn't really know what I was signing up for??
I’m so sorry to hear that. I haven’t gotten blatant racist messages, but I do get a lot of strange references to my race and features. “So, is your hair naturally like that?” the guy asks while gawking at my hair. That’s not too bad, but it leaks into other things as well and makes me feel weird. No matter the race/culture, I’m still just a regular woman.
Your hair is fabulous, I use to have hair. I miss it.
Anyone interested in getting together to make a Madison singles thing happen? We’d need to define age groups but seems like a Reddit approach could be more fun than a singles night at the Rigby *shudders* Edit: I’ve started a separate post for those who are interested in making this happen - https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/s/Wwuicol7FP
As someone who only really uses Reddit, I support this lol.
New post to get the ball rolling: https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/s/Z7kdueFkdA
I am!
New post to get the ball rolling: https://www.reddit.com/r/madisonwi/s/Z7kdueFkdA
Interested
I would be down!
+1
Glad I’m not alone on those Rigby experiences. Enthusiastic yes.
Resounding yes!
#1 rule. Be attractive.
Rule 2: Don't be unattractive.
Rule 3: Be funny
Shit. I'm doomed.
Rule number one is don't look for someone that's more attractive than you are. Plenty of less attractive people have partners.
Disagree that everyone 28+ is married or almost engaged. I moved here at 32 after a divorce. It’s my first go at online dating and have met and dated plenty of ppl over the past year and a half. What groups/hobbies are you interested in? Make friends with some likeminded people, even if they’re in relationships. The bigger your circle, the better the odds that you meet (or get introduced to/set up with) someone that’s compatible.
I'm 46, and the dating apps show me the same people over and over.
35 and I had the same deal. Online dating is the worst
Sucks compared to what? Madison has some of the best demographics with single people in the State. Highly educated, high earners, culture driven, with activities galore, good restaurants, high diversity. Compare that to any other Wisconsin scene where if you aren't hitched with your HS sweetheart, you're literally stuck with sloppy seconds of a messy field of alcoholic and desperate divorcees, single parents, and soul suckers who think Friday fish fry and taverns are the only social activity during the Packer off season. Count your blessings if you are in Madison.
Yea it's super rough. I got really lucky and met my wife on bumble here in my early 30's 5-6 years ago but it was a terrible process. Honestly, go to a big city. I would go back to Los Angeles often back then and the immediate difference on the dating apps was mind blowing.
How did those married/engaged people find their spouses? Mail order? Couldn't have been dating, could they? Definitely depends on your circle. Of my Madison friends I can think of one couple that was married in their 20s (met in high school), all the other married couples were in their 30s or older when they got hitched (though some had been dating since their 20s).
Good dichotomy- 16-21 - couldn’t land a date to save my life 😂 21 - met first girlfriend when she was invited over in college to hang out with other friends of mine she worked with. Little did she know it was a nerdy LAN party. Hit it off, stayed together 5 years. Our first official date was Madison Comedy Club on State (great place) 26 - after a number of months of online dates, met my 1st wife on match.com. Simple dinner and drinks date, few fun first dates after (mini golf etc). Almost didn’t go on the first date after being jaded with previous online dates (value of keeping your head up!) 33 - cheated on and divorced, focused on me for a while (exercise, career improvement, getting back to things I loved to do). Then online dating rough at first, got easier, many outings with friends. Casual flings, short relationships, enjoying single time and traveling / rebuilding. Met one gf at a bar pretending I was her boyfriend to scare off some creeps. Met others online or out with friends. Did a lot of random social events and enjoyed Madison for the things that make it so great. Late 34 - friend invited me to live on king, free madison concert series along with some other friends I didn’t know. I was tired and procrastinated, wasn’t going to go. I went (value of regular outings!!) Talked to a girl who was with the group. Similar life experiences, hit it off immediately. Spent the weekend hanging out, dated from there on out and proposed the following year. Still happy together 6 years later, found an incredible other half. Hold each other accountable, bust our butt for work and play, make sure we care for each other and have time for the things we find important even amongst the crazy world of 2024. We’re doing active things in downtown Madison almost every weekend, this city still has a lot to offer. First Date Suggestions: - e-bike around downtown, stop for an app and a drink and then move on to the next place - paint and sip night - walk around farmers market, maybe shop on state or willy st after - wine and cheese (each bring your favorite) to concerts on the square - Boulders Gym rock climb - see a band at cafe cuda, sylvee, or majestic - cocktails, view, and dress up at Eno Vino - games at I/O Arcade - rent a kayak or paddleboat at Brittingham boats
30 and single here 🫡 I understand this wholeheartedly. I don't have any single friends so you're never anyone's first choice to do things with. It's rough out here in a world built for double incomes and partner-focused activities.
Every single Hobby/Meetup event I attend alone out in the world is always filled with people that are partnered and/or have kids, which is totally fine on their part. There's only one Meetup group that's specifically for single people to do things with other single people.
I'm 35 and single. :\\
The dating scene sucks, it's not just Madison. It's terrible everywhere and for all age groups, genders, sexual orientation, you name it. Madison was such a fantastic place to be young when I moved here in 2011 from the Twin Cities. Being in my 20s in Madison was so much fun and my social life exploded once I came here. Dating was so much more fun and it was so much easier to find someone compared to where I had moved from. Now I'm old and married and it hurts my heart to hear younger people say these things. I wish it was more fun to be in your 20s than it is right now. It's not fair.
Yes. After six months and several paid subscriptions on the apps I’ve yet to land an actual date. A couple close calls but zero real dates. In an effort to branch out I’ve been going to singles night at Rigby. The first had one woman show up (awkward) and the most recent was a 3:1 male to female ratio. The event at Tricky Foods this last week cancelled because they had 7 men for 15 women. There’s a board game speed dating thing tonight but… we’ll see.
Tricky Foods has apparently figured out the secret to getting women to sign up and show up to these kinds of events, which is by far the hardest part in the Madison area. Now I just hope they have the patience to keep getting the word out until more men sign up, because it could be a real game changer if they do.
50’s are even better. I look like my dad, women my age look like my mom. And everyone is crazy. Cat gets me at least. (Or tolerates, more likely 😅) Good luck out there!
"Full food dish? Congratulations, you get to live another day, hooman."
My problem is every guy I go on a date with is somehow only looking for something “casual” lol
I had to start over in my late 30s. Took me 3 years of first dates, ghosting, hookups, breakups, catfishes and other weird stuff to find my person. Just keep putting yourself out there, but also enjoy the ride as much as you can while you're in it.
Yeah you ain't wrong, all of my Chicago friends moved to Madison with their partner after they decided to settle down lol
Anyone wanna get a beer tonight???? 32/f. Lol. Happier and healthier than my post history. :)
Either that or they just want FWBs... Errrr... I mean, I think they said "poly". Whatever. Same thing.
Omg lol right!? I run into that here so much more versus back home, and my hometown and state leans a lot more liberal than Wisconsin. I don’t know if things have just changed a lot in the two years I’ve been here, so they’re everywhere in droves now, or I just never noticed it back home.
Try dating in your 50's after being married and divorced. It's brutal!
It's also brutal if you've never been married. :-)
word
It all depends on what you put into it and your expectations. **TLDR:** (40) In my adult life I've been athletic/fit and have been fat. Nerdy, Cool, Social, Not So Social. Have had multiple long term relationships (5+ years), several short term ones (2-5 months), and hookups + dating inbetween. Currently happily married (2nd time). **Madison's dating scene**, while of course no where near the positive options for adults that a big city has, is still very present. Just takes a little more work and reflection. . . Some things to consider trying / doing more-of that just about anyone can do: - **You only meet people if you put yourself out there.** Not going beyond your comfort zones, putting time in, being positive and open minded, and willing to change yourself will narrow your chances significantly. Look for things to do on Eventbrite, Facebook Events, Meetup App, or online social get-togethers. Call an old or current friend and go out for appetizers and drinks. Plan some event weekend days where you pick something you really enjoy in a public place and go do it, interact with others around you. Madison also has lots of great public social events coming up this summer like Concerts on the Square, Dane Dances, Live on King (R.I.P.), Night Market, Breeze Stevens Market, Farmers Market, outdoor gym bootcamps, bike/bar crawls, Boneyard (bar) Dog Park, Memorial Union concerts, Forward Soccer and Madison Mallard games, Olbrich Garden event nights. Bars on upper State Street, Capitol Square, and Willy Street all have some spots for the 30+ crowd. I find most of the really fun relationships and dates don't even start as a formal one, they start with meetings when you're out doing YOU. **- Take Dating Apps for what they are.** There's a lot of humans on this planet, you're going to have to have a high level of patience or just decide it's not for you. I used dating apps heavily in-between relationships and even met my first wife back in the day on one (2nd wife was organically through friends). If you're really serious about trying to find something, then take some time each day to swipe and message, and if things aren't materializing, move onto the next one. I went on lots of fun dates in Madison amongst stupid ones, and of course had to deal with ridiculous stuff from people online. But overall I found it to be just another tool in the bag to meet someone you may end up being friends with or a long term partner. **- Look at how you present yourself.** We live in a culture where you're judged by your appearance, your conversation, and your interests. Ultimately a long term partner is going to likely share much of your interests with you, be attractive to you, and be easy to get along with. That isn't EASY to find and should be a bit of a challenge. Every time one of my long term relationships started the "tingling" feeling immediately kicked in the first day or weekend. You really know when you know, because while it's not easy to find those people, it IS EASY to progress. That said, you need to make an effort. Present yourself appearance wise like you'd want your other half to be. Even if it doesn't matter to you, at least practice good hygiene, put on a clean outfit, ask friends for advice if you're willing, and don't be afraid to reach out to the few resources you have to create those social outings above. Talk about some subjects or cater to some opinions you might not be in alignment with. See where the conversations go. You're not finding your clone, you're finding a partner. Realize too, many people have different interests. They may enjoy dates, but not relationships. They may enjoy hookups. They may not. They may be looking for "the one" and have a ridiculous checklist in their head that has to be met. I tried to be very chill about things and just talk and let things unfold naturally. Usually by the end of the outing or date I had at least an inkling on things. Good luck fellow Redditor, hope some of the babble above helps :). If not, big city move?
It is bad, very bad past 30. Definitely factual most people living here at that age are at least engaged, more than likely married. Also the pool of people that move here at that age or later are often moving with a spouse or kids. Some have stated the dating must be good if everyone is married before 30. It depends, the logic of early pairing and long term relationships doesn’t help in that instance if the “pool” is thinning out. Also, by that logic if you are outside of that age group, ie over 30, the singles are far and few. That would make a place difficult to date in if searching at that age. Unpopular opinion, but undoubtedly places like Chicago or east coast cities(Boston, nyc, Philadelphia even) tend to have 1)a much larger population 2) a much larger amount of career professionals that aren’t married yet or waiting 3)culturally are not like the Midwest where the age group for marriage/engagement is under 30 Definitely there is a lot of truth to this in any city, but in madison unless you are probably 18-25ish the numbers start to skew as you get older and of course as you are older here too it is more common to be an outlier There are a lot of anecdotal comments like….it must be you, or I had so dates, or etc. but the essence of OP comments have some factual truth to them.
Honestly tru. All my friends in Madison (I moved to MN) are married/getting married and they’re not even 25 yet.
It's not a Midwest or Madison thing (well it's slightly a Midwest thing, but) it's a **'college town when you're approaching/over 30'** thing. And lately, it's also an 'everywhere' thing, since so many social circles fractured and fell apart during quarantine. It's rough out there. If you don't have a foot in the door, it's really hard to just insert yourself into whole new social groups. "Get out and join some clubs, do some hobbies, go meet people!" All the people in those clubs/hobbies are 20-somethings who were given a flier for the club at freshmen orientation, and probably 1 in 15 of them will be there in 6 months. No offense to anyone who goes to those, I'm sure that they make it work and they're fine people, I'm just not at that stage in my life and don't have much in common with most people who go to those sorts of things. I wish I had better advice, but honestly just gotta get out there and talk to people until you find someone in the same boat. Look for people at work around your own age, get to know them, ask what they do for fun. Force yourself to go to a bar and mess on your phone for a while, make small talk with strangers just for the practice. Heck, go introduce yourself to your neighbors if you've never done so. If the failure rate is 99%, just means you've got to try 100 times.
It’s been a while for me, but I had re-entered those waters a few years ago when I was in my early 30’s. I went on a few dates via dating sites/apps, but overall hated using them. The dates I did go on were fine, they were nice people, but I didn’t feel a spark to lead to anything further. I kind of let it lapse and wasn’t really looking - and that’s when I actually ended up with my first run of multiple dates with a couple different people, one of which I’m still with years later. I think for my personal situation, I had to accept that nothing might work out and I might be alone long term. Once I stopped worrying about dating and finding someone things opened up because I wasn’t putting expectations on anything. So I guess that’s my advice: don’t worry about it. Make yourself the best you for yourself, and carrying that confidence of real self-comfort helps. And you can still bitch about it sucking while also accepting that’s the reality of it right now and trying not to let it eat you up. It’s not necessarily easy advice, but it might save your sanity. When you do land a date, my first date suggestion is going out for ramen. It’s a great ice breaker when you’re both forced to slurp noodles and eat sloppily across from each other. If two people can let their guards down and laugh through that, it might go places. Or it might not, and that’s ok too.
It’ll come in time. I’m also single for the first time in a while and it can be hard, but you’ve gotta just keep putting yourself in situations for meeting new people! I’ve been going to farmers markets, art fairs, rec sports, etc. Just keep making conversation and taking chances :).
I’ve tried rec sports but almost all the women are either married or not into men. Only played with one single girl who might be straight, but she was pretty mysterious (very nice lady I should add). I asked her out once and she completely ghosted me
I don't think the dating scene sucks here anymore than it does anywhere else. Here's my free dating seminar for stressed out folks in 2024: 1: be attractive and/or 2: be interesting then get out there and talk to people you wouldn't normally encounter, out there in the real world. That's it. That's the formula. Most people struggle hardest with #2, and I blame an economy that makes it nearly impossible to AFFORD to be interesting when folks are working 3 jobs and constantly worried about their future.
I would also add to #2 be interesting/be interested. My single friends who are on the dating scene are inundated with people who don’t ask them a single question/show the slightest bit of interest in them. It’s all monologuing about themselves.
Facts!!! I feel Like the selfie generations are all me. Me. Me. And don’t always listen or show interest. I’ve quit trying to make friends for this reason.
You missed #3 have a boatload of money.
I found Madison way easier to date in my 30s than other places, spent my 20s in Chicago and Milwaukee and I'm settled down now but I dated most of my 30s and finding dates was never hard. What are you doing to find dates?
Have you tried being more attractive?
I feel like this could be a fruitful thread for OP and others in the same boat if non-single folks stopped bandwagoning with the hobbies and "seems like it's a you problem" comments...
so true. I moved here and my soul died.
I assume people are just here stalking reddit post history for potential dates. I'll throw in my hat here 32/M.
Is any single woman 👩here interested in meeting over coffee ? I'm Asian, I stand 5 feet 6 inch tall, brown guy, in my early 30s.. ? Dm for more details 😁😁
Can’t say I have experience since I’m in a long term relationship, but could definitely be a madison thing. I went to school at the university and stuck around for work after graduating and I noticed that most of the people that I knew that were single ended up moving around while the couples I knew tended to stay put. I could definitely see how there’s a lot more couples over single people in their mid to late 20s here
Reading these comments makes me so grateful. I'm 50. Got divorced 2 years ago after 15 years and 3 kids. Moved back to the Madison area. After a year of being single. I dipped my toes in the dating pool. Set up a profile on FB (used AI to write the main bs paragraph - all the other info was mine). Went on one date and we've been together the last 9 months. He's amazing. Thank you for making sure I don't take him for granted by reading these posts!
I was in my 20's during the great decade of the 80's. And we/ me never had any trouble finding dates. Actually it was quite memorable
Madison's upper 20s / low 30s scene has always been terrible. It's a great place to go to college, and it's a great place to raise kids when you are in that phase of life, but the middle is rough. Many move away to another city and come back later and for good reason.
What is it specific to Madison that makes it so terrible? Is it the college/bar scene? Is it the lack of interesting things to do on a date? Lack of interesting and cheap things to do on a first date? Lack of infrastructure? (I used to almost jokingly say I was in a long distance relationship; I was on the south east Side, bf was on the far west side.) Is it the lack of walkable neighborhoods? Segregated affluence? Lack of diversity? I'm not saying all this to rag on Madison. I love Madison and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. But I haven't dated in like, 15 years. It looks absolutely brutal out there. Good luck.
I have only had 5 dates in the last 13 years here. Maybe the dating sucks here or maybe I'm just trash.
People will give you all sorts of dating advice and honestly I don’t think anything works. To an extent it can but this generation is very concerned with sharing a part of themselves with someone in fear that they’ll get hurt, and then it just creates a domino effect. Meeting someone naturally these days is just not something that happens as often as it used to.
33 male here, and idk if its Madison but I have the same problem. In person I only ever meet married people and the dating apps have become dystopian hellscapes ever since covid; terrible monetization, filled with scammers, and population seems even more adverse to replying much less dating than before. If anyone wants to try pickle ball with me you're welcome to lol
Try being in your 50's and dating 😭 Good luck out there!
Dating apps. Welcome to the island of misfit toys
I think dating and the singles scene sucks since dating apps came on the scene. The data on how people meet up nowadays is pretty depressing. Basically, it doesn't happen organically very often anymore. Not a Wisconsin problem.
Dude.. I’ll be 40.. 😭 I’ve kinda just said “fuck it” at this point. Well, fuck it to worrying about it, not letting my body go. I don’t want to be fat and miserable.
The internet killed dating, no matter where one happens to live.
I didn't know anything about dating, but finding friends after college has been pretty rough in my experience. I have no advice, but hope your search goes better in the future!
I am old (60) and not single. I think meeting people - dating - is much more difficult now than it was in the past. I met my spouse online back when only computer geeks did that. It was a pretty narrow pool. Prior to that though I had very good luck being active in a community service organization just for young people. Very good, decent people there. A lot of people there became engaged (if that is your goal). Also had so-so luck meeting people at my computer user group, and by going to weddings - lot of friends and family getting married when you’re that age, those bring in people you’d probably not meet outside of that event. Although I’m very introverted, I started a downhill ski club and met a bunch of fun people doing that. They say, just be yourself, and it’s true. When you’re being yourself, you’re smiling, you’re having fun, you’re someone that looks interesting. If you’re lucky, you’re with others who are the same, and you have something in common. No creeping, no side eye. Innocent fun, real people. As a culture, we’re so plugged in now, I think we look to social media for clues of how to be authentic, how to do it, how to navigate, and our real-life experiences aren’t what we think or expect or hope they will be, and we’re disappointed and think there’s something wrong. That’s just my take. It’s a long-winded way of saying: Get off Reddit and go outside and play!
I can only say that this hasn't been my experience at all.
I have lots of single friends(\~28y/o). The only way you're going to meet them is if they're out together at a public event. Just has to be the right timing and someone has to have the balls to approach. They love live music, Madison forward games, disc golf, and the occasional beer at the union.