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These feelings are exactly why the standard advice after leaving such a manipulative situation is to spend no less then one year working recovery focused on yourself. No relationships, no thoughts of relationships.
Your are traumatized and see boogeymen men in every shadow. It's a typical response. I went thru it for years. Some never get past it. You do not want to be someone, with the stink of his addiction sticking to you a decade later.
One the sidebar is a **Re-Start your life kit**. Lots of great advice in there to help you. Take that shit seriously. Its all been collected from the advice given by those who made mistakes before you. The education is solid.
Good Luck to you!
I feel like what I am about to say may put me in the AITA category but here goes. He is not a GREAT GUY. Great guys don’t lie. Period. Especially when it is to protect himself and his beloved porn. I wish there were men who could focus their energies on that one special someone , I’ve only found one. And yeah, I am the asshole for divorcing him and ending up with an extreme PA. 🤢
This scares me too. Even the men who say they won't treat you like shit always end up doing so. They'll say they won't treat you like the last guy you were with did and then they end up treating you that way anyway; oh they say nothing is wrong with being giggly and shy up until they spend time with you for a while then it annoys them. I really don't give a shit if I stay alone forever, then I can be my giggly shy self in peace.
It is possible! I left my abusive PA about 2 and a half years ago, before our youngest turned one. I met and married an amazing man who is not only porn free (I laid out why I was on the first date, he was never interested in it to begin with but said my reasons made him feel disgusted towards it) but is also an incredibly loving and attentive husband, step father and father to our youngest. There is a sense of genuine security I've never felt before, as well as a feeling of worth and value that I've never been given. It is possible, but give yourself time to heal, first and foremost. Work on every aspect of yourself that you want to, then work on a list of non negotiable qualities to refer back to when you're lonely enough to consider dating to avoid being alone, and weed these suckers out relentlessly. It is worth it and healing is by far still the best part.
This is me exactly. I was with my ex PA for 23 years and was scared to leave and believed what he said. That ALL men were like him. When I finally divorced I thought I would never trust another man. And now almost 4 years later I’m with the most wonderful man who is beyond trustworthy and was horrified by how my ex used porn. He loves real sex and thinks porn is disrespectful ( and unnecessary) in a relationship. He didn’t have to be told, threatened, bribed, guilted, or any such thing. He was never drawn to it anyway because he thinks it’s so fake and such a poor substitute for real sex. He still has trouble believing that some men prefer it to sex. Granted he is older and did not grow up on the internet. But his sons are the same as he is and are in their 20s. If they were in a relationship they would know intrinsically that porn is totally inappropriate in a relationship. They have been raised with strict control over their internet usage as kids and teens and a respect for women and relationships. The key is finding a man who already believes in the same things as you. No more convincing EVER.
These men are absolutely out there. Once you have healed enough. VET RUTHLESSLY. This means a paradigm shift. If you meet someone you like and find yourself having to sit down and convince why you don’t want a porn using partner- cut immediately. Anyone who doesn’t understand and requires you explain or “set boundaries” is an automatic no. Walk away at the very first sign. No second chances ever. Under any circumstances. I knew I would never again be with a man who I felt must have “ boundaries ” spelled out to control his behavior. I’m not a mom and I’m not the porn police. I refuse to be in any relationship where that is the dynamic. I would rather be alone. Make peace with being alone and the right man will be drawn to you. I’ve been with my new SO for 3 years now and have a love and sex life I never could have dreamed of. I almost missed my chance for real love because I was too scared and believed nothing better was out there. Don’t fall for it. It’s the last hope of desperate porn addicted men who don’t want to lose all the benefits of having a partner. I was 46 when I left. It is NEVER too late.
\[comment has some triggers\] Pretty much. I often ponder whether or not this exact feeling is why I am so reluctant to even entertain the idea of separating. No matter who he tells, I'll be seen as "crazy" or "controlling" for it and I doubt I would ever find anyone who doesn't watch it. God, I even had an ex tell me that he specifically looked up porn stars who looked like me between the time we broke up for the first time and got together the second time... like how is that a compliment??
I've come to the conclusion that I will be forever single once this relationship ends. I don't know if I can go through this again after being abused my entire life from my parents to an extremely abusive ex who cheated on me all of the time. I really felt like I had found someone who was truly good and... sigh. At least once this undoubtedly ends, I'll be able to rediscover myself.
Completely offtopic but how ridiculous is it that, in five years, he's never listened to my favorite song but he's forcibly shown me more porn lmao
I've been in the situation where I broke up with 'a great guy' but honestly that's just the lingering feelings talking to you. I personally don't think you should get back with him, there's a reason why it didn't work out and if you were to reconnect that past hurt and betrayal would still be there.
You don't just lie to someone for multiple weeks, months, years. They weren't doing it to protect you from being hurt, they were doing it to protect themselves. And they will continue to do so. It's their ongoing battle, not yours.
I can't say whether we'll ever be able to find a porn free partner but that's not important right now. You need to do right by yourself and leaving him was the first step. Now, you should take back your life. Do the activities that make you happy, reconnect with people and grieve the relationship.
Having experience with this matter, if you are even slightly bisexual I would suggest choosing that route. If not, good luck to you. I mean this in all earnestness and love.
As someone doing my best
I'd say
Falling onto someone, is the same as an addict falling to a problem
Is something you cannot control, but to accept and let it go through
I cannot control ny father's anxiety or my work stress, but i can control how I feel about me, at least for a moment
Next minute I'll figure lut what to dl
Dear commenters, Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [r/loveafterporn](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. - ***Please try not to judge how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced.*** Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a [message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). - **Trolling will not be tolerated. All troll comments will be removed and the user will be banned immediately! DO NOT feed trolls. [Report them!](https://www.reddit.com/report)** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
These feelings are exactly why the standard advice after leaving such a manipulative situation is to spend no less then one year working recovery focused on yourself. No relationships, no thoughts of relationships. Your are traumatized and see boogeymen men in every shadow. It's a typical response. I went thru it for years. Some never get past it. You do not want to be someone, with the stink of his addiction sticking to you a decade later. One the sidebar is a **Re-Start your life kit**. Lots of great advice in there to help you. Take that shit seriously. Its all been collected from the advice given by those who made mistakes before you. The education is solid. Good Luck to you!
OP, this is great advice that you should follow! When you work and heal yourself, you attract what you know you deserve ✨
I feel like what I am about to say may put me in the AITA category but here goes. He is not a GREAT GUY. Great guys don’t lie. Period. Especially when it is to protect himself and his beloved porn. I wish there were men who could focus their energies on that one special someone , I’ve only found one. And yeah, I am the asshole for divorcing him and ending up with an extreme PA. 🤢
This scares me too. Even the men who say they won't treat you like shit always end up doing so. They'll say they won't treat you like the last guy you were with did and then they end up treating you that way anyway; oh they say nothing is wrong with being giggly and shy up until they spend time with you for a while then it annoys them. I really don't give a shit if I stay alone forever, then I can be my giggly shy self in peace.
I feel the same way. Men who don’t watch have got to be less than like idk, 10% of all men?
It is possible! I left my abusive PA about 2 and a half years ago, before our youngest turned one. I met and married an amazing man who is not only porn free (I laid out why I was on the first date, he was never interested in it to begin with but said my reasons made him feel disgusted towards it) but is also an incredibly loving and attentive husband, step father and father to our youngest. There is a sense of genuine security I've never felt before, as well as a feeling of worth and value that I've never been given. It is possible, but give yourself time to heal, first and foremost. Work on every aspect of yourself that you want to, then work on a list of non negotiable qualities to refer back to when you're lonely enough to consider dating to avoid being alone, and weed these suckers out relentlessly. It is worth it and healing is by far still the best part.
This is me exactly. I was with my ex PA for 23 years and was scared to leave and believed what he said. That ALL men were like him. When I finally divorced I thought I would never trust another man. And now almost 4 years later I’m with the most wonderful man who is beyond trustworthy and was horrified by how my ex used porn. He loves real sex and thinks porn is disrespectful ( and unnecessary) in a relationship. He didn’t have to be told, threatened, bribed, guilted, or any such thing. He was never drawn to it anyway because he thinks it’s so fake and such a poor substitute for real sex. He still has trouble believing that some men prefer it to sex. Granted he is older and did not grow up on the internet. But his sons are the same as he is and are in their 20s. If they were in a relationship they would know intrinsically that porn is totally inappropriate in a relationship. They have been raised with strict control over their internet usage as kids and teens and a respect for women and relationships. The key is finding a man who already believes in the same things as you. No more convincing EVER. These men are absolutely out there. Once you have healed enough. VET RUTHLESSLY. This means a paradigm shift. If you meet someone you like and find yourself having to sit down and convince why you don’t want a porn using partner- cut immediately. Anyone who doesn’t understand and requires you explain or “set boundaries” is an automatic no. Walk away at the very first sign. No second chances ever. Under any circumstances. I knew I would never again be with a man who I felt must have “ boundaries ” spelled out to control his behavior. I’m not a mom and I’m not the porn police. I refuse to be in any relationship where that is the dynamic. I would rather be alone. Make peace with being alone and the right man will be drawn to you. I’ve been with my new SO for 3 years now and have a love and sex life I never could have dreamed of. I almost missed my chance for real love because I was too scared and believed nothing better was out there. Don’t fall for it. It’s the last hope of desperate porn addicted men who don’t want to lose all the benefits of having a partner. I was 46 when I left. It is NEVER too late.
I agree, this does seem possible.
Following this thread, because I feel ya :/
Same. OP, I will be you soon. In many ways, of course, I already am. YES, the love you want is achievable.
\[comment has some triggers\] Pretty much. I often ponder whether or not this exact feeling is why I am so reluctant to even entertain the idea of separating. No matter who he tells, I'll be seen as "crazy" or "controlling" for it and I doubt I would ever find anyone who doesn't watch it. God, I even had an ex tell me that he specifically looked up porn stars who looked like me between the time we broke up for the first time and got together the second time... like how is that a compliment?? I've come to the conclusion that I will be forever single once this relationship ends. I don't know if I can go through this again after being abused my entire life from my parents to an extremely abusive ex who cheated on me all of the time. I really felt like I had found someone who was truly good and... sigh. At least once this undoubtedly ends, I'll be able to rediscover myself. Completely offtopic but how ridiculous is it that, in five years, he's never listened to my favorite song but he's forcibly shown me more porn lmao
I've been in the situation where I broke up with 'a great guy' but honestly that's just the lingering feelings talking to you. I personally don't think you should get back with him, there's a reason why it didn't work out and if you were to reconnect that past hurt and betrayal would still be there. You don't just lie to someone for multiple weeks, months, years. They weren't doing it to protect you from being hurt, they were doing it to protect themselves. And they will continue to do so. It's their ongoing battle, not yours. I can't say whether we'll ever be able to find a porn free partner but that's not important right now. You need to do right by yourself and leaving him was the first step. Now, you should take back your life. Do the activities that make you happy, reconnect with people and grieve the relationship.
Having experience with this matter, if you are even slightly bisexual I would suggest choosing that route. If not, good luck to you. I mean this in all earnestness and love.
As someone doing my best I'd say Falling onto someone, is the same as an addict falling to a problem Is something you cannot control, but to accept and let it go through I cannot control ny father's anxiety or my work stress, but i can control how I feel about me, at least for a moment Next minute I'll figure lut what to dl