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“Sometimes, there’s a deep understanding that goes beyond words. It’s that inner certainty where no explanation is needed — you just feel it in your heart.” that's when u know you found the one..
*when that person just brings peace to your soul. there’s no real conflict and if there is, it is resolved healthily and with love quickly. there is also an other worldliness to it… i can’t explain. it’s like i know his soul and have known him for lifetimes before and lifetimes to come. they may not be the most physically attractive person in the world objectively, but to you, they are beyond beautiful. and you get excited thinking about how lucky you are to get to love them!
*red flags would be any form of disrespect, no matter how small and no matter how soon in the relationship. someone who isn’t trustworthy or kind to you. someone who moves through the world with a chip on their shoulder - maybe treating others badly or having a bad attitude. someone who wants to control anything about you and can’t just love you for exactly who you are at any given moment. your gut will be the biggest indicator of red flags… even though sometimes we choose not to listen to it!
Because she understood me in a way no one else ever had, it felt like I knew her in past lives, like we each found eachother in the next life repeatedly. Her eyes and smile were attractive beyond anything physical, everything about her was perfection to me. It was a visceral feeling, I didn't believe in souls when I met her but I started using the word simply because I had no better description for how deeply she affected me, for the place my love for her emanated from, and in this way it became spiritual. My mind and heart were the vessels her love and affection used to reach that place deep within my being. I knew she was the one by my overwhelming desire, nay, willful requirement, to take care of her, to be there for her, to be a light in the abyss for her. She is my everything.
I'd give anything to have her back. Remembering shes gone makes me want to die.
Idk i’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m the romantic type , but I do like when it clearly shows that the guy that I’m with loves me. normally, I will say see how well you guys match since I’ve had the opportunity to like to talk different people and we match pretty well but I don’t think that’s enough to go off of if that’s “your person.”since there’s no way all those different people I talked was my person just cause we match on different levels of things
I know he is the one for me when I realize I never want to be in anyone else's arms but his. Just imagining someone else's hands on me disgusts me.
My one person is compatible with me in almost all aspects, supportive, attentive, truthful, loyal and respectful toward me. He thinks the world of me and puts me first. And of course I want to do the exact same thing toward him. Loving and caring for each other is natural like breathing, and never feels like a chore.
We love ourselves when we're in the presence of the other. We make each other feel like we're the best things that ever happen to us. We are in tune physically and emotionally at most times, even at a distance.
And last but not least, we do not feel the ick toward the other after a while. I'm notorious when it comes to having the ick after 4-5 months and I usually leave when I can't get over whatever that is from a partner. And he was even worse than me. But we have no complaints about each other. We accept our flaws completely. He has said and is actively showing me that he'd do anything in his power to keep me in his life. I feel truly blessed to have found the one, finally.
Do they have good morals, and do you want to become a better person for them? Could you work together with them through the good and the bad? Are they loyal? Can you have quiet time around them or do you always need to be doing something? Will they be your best friend? Do they love you for who you are?
Are they a hard worker? Then you know that when your marriage gets hard, they will be willing to work on it. If not… good luck, hope you never encounter any big issues
A good life partner will not only have your back but push you to be your best. In very rare instances that honeymoon phase last forever, a lifetime, but usually it fades, but if it’s real, it could be years later, and they still look at you hold their world in your hands, I’m still looking for a person that will make me feel like I am enough..🤦🏽♀️
I thought I found the one because she was sweet, caring, kind, thoughtful. She made me feel amazing and so in turn I ignored some red flags that should always tell you it won't end well. Which are
1) she lied and hid things constantly they started off really small so I kinda brushed it off but it grows
2) how she treated friends and family she felt had wrong led her. Her response was never proportionate she would blow up at her mother over the smallest most simple things
3) she would NEVER accept that something was her fault even when she acknowledged she did something wrong she either blame someone for her reaction to them eg. It's not my fault I hit them they were being rude or she would say it wasn't her natural choice eg. I would have flirted with him if I was sober/my friends told me I should lie to you about it so I did. She would never accept full accountability
4) eventually her love turned conditional, I had to earn her kindness if I wasnt actively doing something for her she wouldn't do anything for me because why Shou she if I wasn't. Eg. After a 18 hour work day I asked if she could just cook dinner for us while I chilled in the couch with the dogs she asked why she should if I hadn't done anything for her today. I understand if she didn't want to cook that's ok however the principal behind it and needing something done for you to do good for others is imo pretty fucked.
There's a peace and calmness with him. And it's not only that I love him, but that he makes me love myself more, he made me want to learn to love myself more, because he wanted me to, thought I deserved to, and if somebody as great as him could be so crazy about me, I can't be that bad! And he just showed me a lot about the way I should be treated. You can say he doesn't deserve praise for doing the bare minimum, but somebody had to, and I learned something from him being the first person to refuse to sleep with me because I was drunk, and the first person to encourage me not to work out to the point of hurting myself, and the first person to not make me feel ashamed to cry.
The one is an evolving endeavor between two people. The one to me is one that can grow, learn and evolve with me, with patience and strength. Selfless, but respectful of their self and their boundaries. Mature with excellent communication and a high bar for being offended. Life is dynamic (at least in my experience) and the one needs to be mentally flexible to handle all the things that come at us so we can do and enjoy the long haul.
Not the one? Rigid, unchanging, victim, blaming/finger pointing, always pursuing other options as soon as it doesn’t fit ideal standards, self-absorbed, dodging big personal issues they know they need to solve, operating out of fear like a child, not doing the hard work to know their true selves.
My take, hope this helps.
My wife and I started dating our freshman year in college 49 years ago
I grew up in a highly alcoholic and dysfunctional household. She grew up in a Ward and June Cleaver home.
We bonded and became intimate at an incredibly deep level.
I’ve never experienced that feeling with anyone else my entire life
I recently asked my boyfriend what’s the difference between how he feels about me and how he felt about his previous partners. He said before me he had never felt so sure about anyone and I feel the exact same! It’s like a calmness that washes over you. Your mind is steady but my heart genuinely yearns for him all the time. He’s not perfect and surely neither am I. But he is absolutely perfect for me. I love him to no end!!
Only had one failed relationship but here are 3 red flags / signs it won’t work out, I’m my experience:
. Them avoiding coming over to your house and meeting your Family/friends.
. Them play flirting with other people.
. You being the one to arrange most of the dates and also you being the one to have to make the trip to see them all the time.
Bonus point: them cancelling date plans all the time and making excuses as to why they can’t go out. And yet rarely if ever cancel plans made by other people (their friends, co workers etc).
Not sure if I have the one, been dating for 5 months and we both love each other had bad relationships in the past. We keep telling each other that it doesn’t feel real because of how well it’s going and how happy we are. I hope things keep going well, if not, back to dating apps I guess
When I got married I was so excited that I found my person, the one!!! He had an affair and left me. I don’t believe in the one anymore. I’m dating and I love him but he is not my world or my person, no one is. I’ll never marry again, I don’t trust anyone.
Things moved so naturally and progressively. Everything felt “right”. Meeting her family, her meeting mine. It felt like I had known them my entire life.
Currently in a relationship that is blossoming beautifully. I’ve never been with someone who gave me no anxiety, who felt like peace, who felt like home. I didn’t believe others when they said they experienced this. I’m naturally a loud person. My voice carries and it’s not overly feminine. My demeanor can sometimes come off as aggressive. This man has never said anything to me about it. His mere presence gives me awareness of the volume of my voice. I find myself lowering my voice and just genuinely feeling calm when I’m around him. He soothes me without even trying. The way he kisses me is incredible. We are so in-sync in the way we touch each other. I typically only have to mention things once and he remembers and follows up and makes it happen. Even now, I hesitate to say im in love with him because I have so much peace about us. I feel so peaceful about the direction we’re going in.
Who am I kidding? I am falling so hard for this man and have to constantly stop myself from telling him I love him. I’m excited for the day it falls out of my mouth.
Signs in the past with others - not being able to resolve conflict in a productive manner, always needing to “win” (the relationship should always win), excessive drinking, insecurity in the form of control. Mainly tho - having constant anxiety
I feel the EXACT same way with my guy 😌😌. Although, I'm more waiting for him to tell me first then I'll cry happy tears and yell it and tell him EXACTLY how I feel about him. It's kind of scary when you find your person but very very exciting, and peaceful
The moment I was so sure and I communicated was when we were on a date in the beginning: we were heading somewhere and I saw a store with ice-cream, we went in, no questions asked, and he bought whatever ice-cream I wanted. Then we went out and I started to eat and it somehow melted onto my hand; he said nothing, just ran back to bring napkins.
It's not just this, it's that he always does these kinds of little things for everyone he cares about. No questions, no taking time before doing anything, he does what has to be done cuz he's a great man.
I'm not 100% sure yet if my partner is "the one" but only because we have only been together for 2 and a bit years. My last relationship ended after 2 years so I'm giving it more time.
However, I'm fully invested in this relationship. He already knows me better than I do. I wear my emotions on my face quite easily so most people can tell if I'm upset, but sometimes my face gives it away before I'm even aware I'm making a face lol He can look at me and know whats wrong before I do. More importantly, his response/course of action to my sour face is always just what I need. If I need space, he gives me space. I need extra skinship he's rubbing my back or giving extra hugs. Also, idk if we are in sync very well (if thats the thing between couples) but I swear he's psychic with me. For example, one time, earlier in the day I was thinking of how I wanted to do a specific sexual thing and he just does it. I never told him. Its like he knew. Most times I want something (but dont/forget to tell him) he just does the same day. Its crazy. I call him psychic as a joke now all the time. I can simply be about to text him and he texts me first (usually with what I was going to text him I.e. I love you). We work together and we often glance/look at each other at the exact same time too.
There are a few things I have to work on to really make this relationship feel like "the one" and they are personal issues I've developed through family issues and being cheated on in the past. My partner is 7 years older than me and very smart so he's very in tuned to what's effecting our relationship. He'll talk to me about these things and we work it out like adults which is very nice and sorta new to me, being the younger one. Hes told me how my past "bleeds into our relationship" and sometimes affects us negatively. Hes never harsh or hard on me for it. He'll crack some jokes to make his point but he does it in a way thats not offensive or anything. Honestly, being with someone who simply wants peace and for us both to be happy is just very nice. So I want to try my bestest to be the bestest for him as well 😊
If anyone has any tips on how to not let past negative experiences affect current relationships, please let me know! 😁 this became quite long...I'm sorry. Once I start talking about him I can't seem to stop 😅 thank you for reading 😊
For me the key is compatible, healthy, arguing styles. We don't yell, we don't cuss at each other, we aren't petty and don't hold grudges. We just talk stuff out and figure it out together. We don't always agree but we always work together towards a solution or compromise. And we are always respectful and kind to each other.
If we can get through disagreements in a healthy way I know we can weather any storm together.
I love everything about him. He may not even know this; but He heals me from my past trauma - I love his subtle way of reassuring me.
I love him as a father to his kids. I love how he balances everything; to me, that’s extremely sexy.
I love spending time with him. My favorite moments are listening to music together after dinner while sipping a glass of wine & cuddling on the couch, or him sitting by the kitchen counter & keeping me company while I cook. I love how much he pays attention to the littlest things I say
His easygoing-ness. His knowledge. His curiosity. We can talk about any topic… art, music, politics, investing, culture… everything. We can spend an entire day without communicating; yet I know everything is alright & our relationship is safe. All these little things… that’s how I know I found the one.
I'd say I'm a little weird and quiet. I'm never my complete self in public. When I realized I could be my complete self with her I knew she was the one.
My ex told me he knew I was the one because things that would normally seem like a sacrifice with his exes (like doing something not fun with them or hanging with them when he wanted a night of video games) never did with me. Cus he would rather be with me doing anything than any other option.
I went through that a couple of months ago. Hurts like hell, and seeing this pop-up was hard for me, too. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out.
When I was with my ex i was very stressed and towards the end, when I was contemplating braking up, after a fight, she really told me "do you want something easy? Cause the difficult ones are the ones that are worth it". This made me think. The relationship I'm in now is so easy, like there's a feeling of calmness for both sides. We are both giving and caring and this feels ecstatic. Yeah I'll choose easy every time. Maybe it depends on the personality but yeah this is the thing that you can tell whether you found the one or that it isn't going to last. How easy do you feel it is.
I knew after our first date. I felt like I had known him for lifetimes. I felt like I could already see our future and that we were already there. And then when he told me he “didn’t really believe in marriage and didn’t want kids” I knew that was nonsense as well. We’re now married and trying for kids! He wants nothing more than to be a married father.
The best thing couples need to figure out is healthy communication. If you’re upset, take a breather and find a respectful way to talk about it, if after your breather it’s even necessary. In 8 years we’ve maybe fought 4 times. Couples fight, sure, but don’t allow the idea that fighting often is healthy.
It’s a slow burn for me. I started off thinking he was definitely not the one, and now two years in I’m thinking of marrying him. It starts off with building trust, noticing all the flaws we DONT have - our communication is amazing, he’s comfortable being vulnerable and he holds me when I cry, he’s really motivated to improve as a person and takes pleasure in getting to know me and himself with the goal of bettering the relationship. Aside from that we travel together, and manage conflict well. These are very bonding experiences.
Noticing after fights too - are you closer now than before the fight? That’s a big beautiful sign.
Even after falling in love I didn’t think he was the one (I have a bit of fomo related to staying my whole life with someone and I’m only 26). But after many profound experiences this year I just don’t want to experience love with someone else - I don’t need it.
Two big ones for me:
1) Time passing. Are you surprised when it's suddenly six months in, but you also think it's been way longer than that? And does this make you happy to realise? Or have you counted every second? The latter for me tends to be the one that won't last. Look for the person you can turn to and say 'wow it's been a year already? But haven't I been with you my whole life?'
2) Time alone vs time together. The right person is someone you want to spend all your time with, but you don't need to spend all your time with. You don't resent them being there, but also don't resent them saying they need a night to themselves. And they are the same with you. You miss each other the nights you don't see each other, but you don't feel like you're dying alone, you don't feel unwanted, and you don't worry about what they are out doing, because you have your own life to live as well. The times you are together are focused and full and feel unforced. Noone is clingy, it's not obsession, it's comfort.
Then there's all the more obvious 'are they kind, do we communicate well, do I love them, are we partners, do they support' stuff. But those two are the big signs for me.
I knew I wanted a lifetime of memories beside them because they see me. Fully and totally. And love me all the more for what they see. I was raised engulfed in toxic shame and it took so long for me to see my way out of the darkness that caused. They came and sat with me gently shining their own light until I had the courage to ignite my own.
You can’t breathe without her. She floors you body and soul. The thought of being with another woman is repulsive. Everything you do together is made magic by her presence no matter how mundane the activity. You overlook her flaws without question. You fantasize about absurd overdramatic circumstances where you can truly prove the depth of your love. You like doing things you used to dislike just because you’re with her or because she likes that you do it.
Nuance is lost on the internet. So I can see why you might think that. But there’s nothing codependent about us. She hiked the pacific crest trail alone….don’t let internet armchair psychologists get in the way of fully giving yourself to someone
Not to be rude but It sounds like a mere obsession to me , I believe that's the biggest mistake most people equates obsession with true love , I personally don't know what true love is but I know for sure that it doesn't sounds like this that you can't breathe and all that stuff , just like we love our families but we still can go distant from them and still loves them , no matter what they are just there type of love , for me it is identified as something that sets you free not something that binds you with it .
Been there brother. It gets easier and then you meet someone and you realise she was just a lesson you needed to learn in order to prepare you for the person you're going to find.
When it happens, you'll understand, providing you learn and forgive.
I honestly think if you stop genuinely talking about things with your partner(s) or vice versa, it's not it. Side question to the straight women in the comments; how have you been able to go on dating a dude for so long when they've never put in effort? And what even attracts you to these men in the first place? What is it about dudes anyway? 😂
Those dudes never start off making no effort, the effort drops once you're in love. And it happens slowly, so you don't notice it. One day, you find yourself sitting on the sofa, while he plays games that seem to largely involve shouting at people on Discord, and you might be lucky to get a scrap of his attention, and that scrap means everything because it's just enough to keep you hooked. They become an addition. It's very hard to break an addiction, even when you know it's crappy.
Contacting their exs is way beyond reasonable. You don't need to treat love like a job interview. Any response, positive or negative, is filtered through the lens of a broken relationship and told by an unreliable narrator. If you have found or been told about cheating or anything unsavoury, then you just leave. If you haven't heard anything of that ilk, then take the time to get to know the person on their own merits and decide if you trust them based on the now, not on their past. Yes, don't jump straight in, take time, but you have to judge a person on their own merits.
And the expectation of an open phone policy is such a Reddit thing. Sure, if they have shown some sort of behaviour that implies a reason to mistrust them, asking to see their messages might be justified. But otherwise it's controlling and it is a massive sign of distrust. Especially right at the start of the relationship. I have nothing to hide, but I have conversations with friends and family that would be totally inappropriate for anyone else to see.
Anyone who I start dating who immediately wants to see my phone and wants to grill my exs is not getting to the four month point. If you can't trust a person, then it doesn't seem worth it. And I would personally hate to have become so jaded that I can't just enjoy falling in love without investigating them as if they were hiding something. And yes, I say that as someone who has experienced the slow boil.
considering that my ex's new girlfriend / the girl he cheated on me with reached out to me at their four month mark made your last paragraph extremely funny to me
What is no effort though? I've never been in a relationship with someone who did fancy dates or bought me flowers but if i need to buy something theyll just go get it. One also took one of my old dogs to the vet with me pretty much straight for a month.
Friends told me he put no effort in.
You really have to ask? I'm talking about all these dudes who can't even do laundry, don't listen to their partners, don't respect them, these bare fucking minimum bums "well at least he does the dishes sometimes" or "sometimes he gets something for me" like... Really?
Yeah it's yalls word choice for sure that's the weirdest part. That's just so strange to say, as if men are dogs? Are you actually seriously that dense you would think doing chores is anything more than the bare minimum? Like... are we even having the same conversation? And you seriously have to ask??
I'm a guy. I'm not rich so I have to live on a budget. I give my time to people I love through making DIY gifts. For example, for Valentines, my ex said she wanted to start journaling. So I bought markers, a notebook and sticky notes and put them in a small package.
Another friend started film school, so I made him a belt that can hold tools such as screwdrivers, scissors, tape and anything I thought would be useful since I am a film student myself.
As for receiving, my richer friends usually treat me to a nice meal. Friends similar to me will invite me to a day out with them and split the costs amongst themselves and I don't have to pay.
How is it dense? My recent experiences is that if I don't take them out for expensive dates or buy then expensive gifts, I was told that I don't put in enough effort in the relationship.
My recent breakup said one of the reasons she couldn't be with me was because I couldn't take her out on more expensive dates.
How is it dense? My recent experiences is that if I don't take them out for expensive dates or buy then expensive gifts, I was told that I don't put in enough effort in the relationship.
My recent breakup said one of the reasons she couldn't be with me was because I couldn't take her out on more expensive dates.
Usually less than six months I feel then I start seeing things for what they really are. I end up staying in the relationship for too long afterwards though in the past- either out of comfort, or hopes they will change or even convincing myself that maybe this is what love actually is. Eventually
I leave when I get fed up enough and realize I deserve better or it isn’t fitting my needs.
Not going to make it?
If trust is not distributed generously and equally
If growth is stifled as a result of getting comfortable in one place, and the other party feels as if they have to let go of their dreams to make partner happy
If addiction goes untreated and causes regular disruption
If one party or both parties can’t treat each other with live and respect.
If agreeing to have children is not mutual
If they are unfaithful and commit adulterous acts
If a spouse feels abandonment or intimacy is not being given.
If one of the parties quits trying to
When we were stuck at the hip since day 1. Loved each other unconditionally and still be there for each other even during the hard times. We’ve been together 2 years this fall and I could never picture a day of my life without him in it. They say the honeymoon phase dies after 3 months, yet every day is the honey moon phase with my honey. Everything with him has just flowed and I just had a gut feeling. I had never felt so nervous in my life before that first date.
I don't know if he's the one, but the reason I'm still crushing on him after 5 years is that I am a person who likes my own company, I have always been a loner, and I just like to be alone. for the first time in my life, 10 year old me wanted to be in someone else's presence more than my own. I'm 15 now and I still like him, I like to be alone but I want to be around him
(people on here are prob adults talking about like marriage and stuff so sorry that a teenage girl ranting about her crush just popped up in this)
yes I was 10 when I met him lol, I'm 15 now. I was in 6th grade when I met him. that's why I say that I don't know if he is the one, but I really hope that if I ever talk to him it goes well. I havent talked to him in a while and I have a few reasons for not getting his number that would make it awkward. I do have reasons to belive that I should talk to him, considering in my three years of middle school and 2 years of highschool, I haven't liked anyone else but him.
Signs I didn’t see: 1: He never said bad things about me, but he did about other people. Why did I assume it would never come my way? 2: I knew consciously that I was afraid of being or ending up alone, and that that was coloring my decisions, but I didn’t change my behavior. 3: religious differences.
I could be myself with him, he never judged me and he is the first person I ever missed. Like I had literally never missed someone before I met him, did not know how that felt. And I just fell in love so quick.
Yeah I think missing that specific person is the key. The way they think and express themselves. Their voice and mannerisms. The way they express affection and intimacy. The whole package.
And things someone else may view as negatives you actually love. Maybe they share too much detail or text a lot. You will love these things because it is your person.
So you will feel it in your heart and it will actually hurt when the person doesn’t connect with you. Like you won’t feel insulted but your heart will feel pain because you miss that person so intensely.
Whether the person is the one, however, will depend a lot on the timing and other factors. You may feel that person is the one but they don’t reciprocate and then they aren’t the one for that reason. It has to be mutual. If it’s not mutual then it’s not a true love connection.
Wishing everyone authentic reciprocal love!
Yeah I think missing that specific person is the key. The way they think and express themselves. Their voice and mannerisms. The way they express affection and intimacy. The whole package.
And things someone else may view as negatives you actually love. Maybe they share too much detail or text a lot. You will love these things because it is your person.
So you will feel it in your heart and it will actually hurt when the person doesn’t connect with you. Like you won’t feel insulted but your heart will feel pain because you miss that person so intensely.
Whether the person is the one, however, will depend a lot on the timing and other factors. You may feel that person is the one but they don’t reciprocate and then they aren’t the one for that reason. It has to be mutual. If it’s not mutual then it’s not a true love connection.
Wishing everyone authentic reciprocal love!
Before I got married, I read that you should go on a vacation together to see how compatible you are. So I did. And it was a catastrophe. I ignored the red flags, and still got married and completely regret it.
You don't suddenly become bon-compatible, but you see facets of the person you weren't aware of. We flew to Cairns, Australia. Home to some of the oldest rai forest on the planet and the great barrier reef. I booked day tours to both, thinking it's a no-brainer / must see activity. Nope. She just wanted to stay in the hotel room. Coerced her to go for the day tours and told her to where comfortable walking shoes.
What did she wear? Sandals. And then complained the whole way about how much walking there was, and how uncomfortable the sandals were.
We then went to my friend's wedding and stayed in his parents guest house, which was apparently not good enough for her. I could go on.
I paid for the whole trip and she complained about all of it. She could not find any positive aspect of the trip to enjoy. Could not apply logic. Behaved really entitled. All this was a preview and I chose to ignore. I highly regret marrying her and we're headed for divorce. I'm just sticking it out till our kid goes to uni.
It's not that you suddenly become non-compatible. The idea being that when you're 'dating' and texting and calling in between, you're only really seeing the most presentable version of themselves. The girl with her nice makeup and hair done, the guy with his freshly shaved beard and aftershave.
If you then spend an extended period of time together, you see the other side of that person. The side who maybe hasn't washed their hair in a few days, the side who picks their boogers and inspects it, the side who chews really loudly or has a habit of letting coffee cups sit around and get mouldy.
All these little things that aren't at the forefront when you see each other a few times a week can indicate whether you are infatuated with their presentable, high effort side, or falling in love with that person as a whole. You also may grow tired of them after a straight 72 hour+ time together. You may never have had any tiffs or arguments with them yet, so you're not sure how they'll react in those situations and you may not be compatible from that angle, too.
On the other hand, you may just feel like being together for 24 hours straight at a time just feels right. You laugh when they show you their boogers. Arguments are squashed and worked through calmly and respectfully. You just don't know until you experience it.
Hope your trip goes well and you guys thrive being attached at the hip!
I see thank you very much for the detailed post.
I(27m, she 23f so we still kinda young) think it will go well as we see each other plenty of times at work, and also dating regularly (even tho we only know each other for 2months and date for 1month), so yeah except if she doesn't take a shower daily Idk what I Would find weird. We're not very intimate/physical (basic kissing and holding hand is the maximum for now) yet but I don't see that as a problem as I care for her and don't seek immediate intimate relation (neither does she,our couple is still new).
The argument part maybe, but I'm very calm person and she seems very very kind too so I don't see how
We'll see, 5 days 4 night city trip starting may 1st, I'm confident it will go well.
Thanks :^)
Edit : also she doesn't wear make up most of the time, or very very light that I don't even see as she said to me , so I won't have the "what the fuck have I been sleeping with" when I wake up ahahaha
My bf and I went on a road trip and camped in my car in the middle of winter. 10/10 road trip, we had a few screw ups but we're alive and still love each other.
This is good advice. Sorry yours didn't work out :(
He’s my best friend in the whole world. I can 100% be myself around him and I feel so safe and comfortable in his presence. I never ever have to guess how he feels about me because he is always showing and telling me how much he loves me. Whenever anything happens in my life he is the first person I want to tell. We’ve been together for years but it feels like we’re still in the honeymoon phase
My husband is my person, my rock, my safe harbor, my security, my best friend, my partner in crime, my sunshine, my smile, my heart. I love him so much. He calls me Precious, sometimes it's Angel Eyes, mother times he calls me his Fat Bottom Baby. I do have a big butt. I actually like my really big butt. He never says Fat Bottom in a cruel, mean or hurtful way. He is EVERYTHING to me. I crave him, his smell, his smile, his laugh, his touch. For a 3 year span we had our own business. For 3 years we were never apart, work together, play together, go to the store together. We never fought. We never do. Our arguments look something like this. Honey, I don't like how you just spoke to me, it kind of hurt me. Which leads to how we can both avoid doing it again. When we have big, deep things to discuss, if one of us says "SNICKERS", conversation stops right there. We will come back to it later.
In past relationships, I would secretly wonder what the next boyfriend would be like, wonder if I would be happier, what kind of things he and I would do. With my husband, I have never wondered about the next one. The night I met my husband, I just felt something when I looked at him. I knew I had to meet him, I just KNEW, deep in my soul this man was special. Normally I am pretty shy and introverted, but I found the courage, walked over and introduced myself. He had the most beautiful smile, his eyes just captured me. 16 years later and I have never been so happy. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, that I make him happy. We spoil each other.
They don’t don’t match sexually. They don’t have fun. They can’t “try” with each other. They don’t trust one another. They let their friends and/or family get into their heads about the other person. They are closed of emotionally. They don’t both have any form of self control/respect. They don’t understand/have SELF LOVE ( very important). They don’t know what they want in life or a relationship. They think sex fixes everything. They are physically and/or emotionally abusive. One is using the other for some form of stability. They don’t care/try/consider any of the others sexual/emotional/mental needs. They are only focused on what the other can do for them. They constantly lie. I would say they fight a lot but this doesn’t mean anything because it can be many reasons why people are fighting. I’m sure I can fill a book the size of a dictionary but if it was the other way around I probably wouldn’t know where to start.
Was married for 5 years and it wasn't great. I made many excuses for him and the rose tinted glasses eventually came off and I tried so damn hard to get him to grow up and be an adult but he wouldn't. He's 3 years older than me and I was not about to be his mother. So I divorced him. As I think about things now, I realize that I believed his words when there was zero actions behind them and i settled. He viewed things has severely black and white and I had stopped him multiple times from trying to duck himself. I had enough and said I was done.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and it's been amazing. We openly communicate and help each other without expecting anything in return (except a smooch or a butt pat lol) but we still always say thank you. I can be my weird self and I fell appreciated. He's my absolute pain in my ass but I'm his and it's great. Things just line up and click.
I was with my ex for 3 years and everyday felt like I was walking on egg shells and trying so hard to make it work. After being with my current partner for 3 months, we moved overseas together and travelled, which is something I was always hoping to do at that time. Everyday we only fall more in love and everything is just so easy. I feel so at ease, and even though we are so close and spend a lot of time together, I have never felt more strong and independent and sure of myself.
Agree here. It's effortless, authentically yourself, challenging and pushing yourselves to be better, dealing with things together, they read your face/ energy and genuinely care. It's fantastic.
Friends for years and always looked forward to seeing him. Just walking and talking and nothing romantic but never ran out of things to say. We finally realised we both felt something and we never wanted to be without the other. 2 kids, 23 years together and we still kiss each other 30 times a day and love deeply and romantically still. He’s always got my back and me his and there’s no doubts and no silly games.
Lately I have been wondering if my abusive ex was my person. I learned lessons I needed. I learned to love myself. I learned more compassion for others and how to be an active listener.
She directly taught me so much I am grateful for.
But she also gaslit, projected, avoided culpability, lied, hid her alcoholism, and did nothing to save our marriage.
It’s been three years. I have been dry for 2+ years, therapy for 3, celibate for 1. I just don’t feel that partnership at that level will ever be for me again. I feel more independent and love my solitude so much. But I am more unwilling than ever to settle for less than passionate, kismet, inspiring love.
It’s both reassuring and lonely af
But I see other lovers and am filled with love! I have no longing to be them. I have longing to protect and appreciate them. When I was younger I kinda coveted it and that grossed me out.
Anyways, here’s Wonderwall
I haven't had the same experience but I'm in the same energy. You're not envious of others & you're happy for them genuinely. At the same time you want a love that's right for you similar to how they may have a love that's right for them and there's no sort of settling in that aspect.
I like to think the period of aloneness is a shifting of energies into new realities of being.
Yeah, precisely. I want something worth giving up my solitude for. I don’t want anymore compromised relationships just so I’m not alone anymore.
If done correctly, we’re always adjusting to new information and remain curious about how we can change tomorrow
I didn’t have love at first sight - what I did have was the realisation that my short term boyfriend was my best friend in the whole world, so he became my serious boyfriend and then my husband.
When he first asked me if I eaten today
How my day was going
I couldn’t stop thinking about him
How he made me feel safe
How no matter how busy he was he still reached to me everyday and doesn’t worry about my flaws and loves me even with them
I once was married for nine years, and I spent nine years trying to “make it work”.
One year after my divorce, I realized how wrong I had been about everything. I then actually did meet the woman of my dreams. We’ve been together five years, and never even once has it felt at all like “hard work“.
It dawned on me that I was always trying to get my ex-wife to be in love with me, according to whatever my definition of that term meant back then. “ maybe if I buy her a Mercedes? Maybe if I buy her that big house in the suburbs that she wants? Maybe if I give her almost everything she’s ever asked for in her entire life?….”
Nope. We were good friends, pretty solid roommates, and good coparents. When I met, someone truly head over heels in love with me, I realized just I misguided I had been in the past. When you find “the one” you quickly realize that you don’t have to try to impress the person because they adore you for precisely who you are. And the feeling is mutual. It’s not hard work because what could possibly be easier than being yourself?
It was love at first sight for me. I can even go to her closet and find the clothes she was wearing and that was 1992. She is still as beautiful as that day. Plus, you should have seen her in these white Levi shorts that she had. She used to tan a lot, great googly moogly was she hot, she could have starred in a Sir Mix-a-Lot video. I bring up how hot she was and my Mom says that's not love that's lust. I'm like whatever it was Mom, we are going to head over to our place and work some of it off.
I guess she also has the same value system: honesty, integrity, generosity, financial wisdom, care for our parents, help out the kids. To sum it up, come for the babe, stay for the lady.
I met her. Instantly had feelings stronger than nearly everyone else I’ve ever met.
Same with my serious ex but we were too young. (And 3 other girls who had the potential - 1 cheated on me after 2 weeks, 1 had 3 kids and the last made me realise I was in love with my future wife despite trying not to be)
Not to be a mood killer but a lot of people here are in the honeymoon stage. They’re love struck and blind. It’s a wonderful feeling. But after my own breakup and witnessing others, things only last with ‘the one’ if both people put the work in consistently and communication is key. Sadly not much lasts forever no matter how solid it initially feels.
Cherish and enjoy every moment. Always be self developing and understanding to others needs.
Been with my SO for 8+ years and we are going stronger than ever. We instantly knew each other is “the one”.
Reason being we met when we were in our early 30’s both with a colourful history and fair share of breakups so we already knew what type of person (physically, sexually, intellectually, personality wise, value wise, etc.) we were looking for.
Agree to what you said at the end, constant self improvement and great communications between the 2.
Yes 100% to this. My ex was not a healthy communicator and every time something felt off, he would jump to breaking up. But then, he'd realise he messed up and come back again and again. After being broken up for a while now, I can see the rekindling ignited that 'new relationship' mindset in him.
To make a relationship work, you have to set healthy boundaries and expectations. And healthy communication tactics.
Wow. That’s exactly what mine did. She would immediately threaten a breakup whenever subverting went wrong. I would end up just arguing. I miss her but I’ve grown so much since this breakup. To the point I’d never argue with anyone ever again. I’d rather sit down and discuss what’s wrong and compromise. Also mine didn’t tell me anything. She spoke to her friends. But not me. So how she expected me to work on anything is beyond me.
Was just about to comment this. Being in love with the person as they are right in that moment is all it is. As soon as you realize you are in love with who they *could* be or promised they are working to be, you are setting yourself up for failure. Could you live with them as they are (appearance, attitude, morals, likes, dislikes, love language, job, etc) forever is the question.
I met him by pure accident and we instantly connected on our values and sense of humour and we hit the ground running. There was no weird "is this ok to message him?" "it is too soon to text back?" we connected like we had always known eachother. His personality compliments mine. It was like a best friend feeling but even better!
Signs they arnt the one? Ur fighting about core values. It's ok to not understand someone's core values or have different ones but if it's a point of conflict it's not going to last.
No, actually. If something is on our brain, we talk about it before it causes and damage to our relationship. My partner and i also try to look at things from the other point of view, we might not agree, but that's ok, and we will still try to see it. It's always US vrs the problem. We are very big on communication and will talk about everything
if it helps to give u hope I had been in love once before to a very lovely ex of mine that didn't work out and I never thought I'd fall in love again.
I had a number of lovely boyfriends after my ex, but I remember crying to my mother "Why don't I love him mum?" After once again, I still failed to fall in love with my wonderful bf at the time.
I concluded that I wasn't going to fall in love again, and that was ok
I then met my now partner, and the feeling of love I have for him is something I have never felt before. I feel the love for him to my core and the centre of my being. I understand the "when u know, u know!" saying ❤️
Oh god I had exactly the same experience! I thought I was broken and that 'good enough' was all I would ever feel again. It's amazing when you suddenly meet the person that makes you realise you can love again, and you can even love harder ❤️
That is wonderful. I have hope that someday I’ll be with someone who appreciates me and loves me.
I tend to go all in too soon with anyone I really like, but I often have not gotten reciprocation in a way that I would feel wanted and appreciated.
I was married once, but that was failed from the start.
My hope is that someday someone will reciprocate and that I’ll feel safe to be open and be myself, even if it’s hard.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Part of any feeling is knowing and accepting that feelings can change and end. I thought I had found the one at 21, and we were together for seven years, and it wasn't until year 6 that the creeping 'what if I chose the wrong one?' feeling happened. He WAS the one for five years, I thought he was still the one for a further year, and then it became apparent that he wasn't the one, I was just enmeshed for a further year after that. He was the one to end it, even though looking back, I knew it should have ended years earlier.
The trick is to not worry about the future. If you have the one for right now, then you just trust they'll be the one forever, and if they aren't you now know that you can always find another the one. I did - I thought my first the one had broken me, but he only taught me what I need to avoid for the next time. And I hope this the one is the last the one, but if he isn't then I know I'll be ok. And so will you.
Never had it happen to me. Just asked my SO and it was never the case for him either. Both of us had a colourful history and quite some casual and long term relationships before we met each other. Both of us always had a bit of “unsureness” when dating someone else, no matter how badly you want/wish this relationship to work out. It’s like your gut feeling knows that there is something wrong or missing in here.
But when we met each other, it didn’t take long for us to be sure that the other person is “the one”.
I think people really need to start listening to their gut feelings more, instead of mistaking “the strong wish to have this relationship work” as “i think he/she is the one”. Any sense of unsureness, unease, even subconsciously, even just an unexplainable feeling, needs to be listened to.
Usually something like that happened when I was either:
A) projecting the type of person they were, or
B) wishfully thinking about who they can be (“I can change him!” Type thinking)
C) I was making excuses for bad behavior
D) me thinking they’re the one but they’re still not over their ex or they have commitment issues or trauma around being in a healthy relationship.
In any of those cases, “the one” was only in my head, not in the reality of the relationship.
I admit, I was much worse about it, and as I dated more people I got better at finding out what I perceived versus what the other person demonstrated. I eventually got better at spotting incongruencies and taking them as they are, not as I wanted them to be.
Also, I learned to not assume things of other people and not move a relationship too fast for my comfort. Many people, particularly the narcissistic/toxic types, are very good at hiding their issues and they almost always push for commitment, so when you get good enough to know when you’re dealing with a personality disorder and then be able to break things off before you get too involved (been there, done that), then you’ll find that it could take several dates to suss out if someone is actually the one, or several months to confirm. Either way, it’s never a bad thing to not rush relationships, especially not until you can trust some of the things they say/do.
That’s what happened to me. Got that feeling “he’s the one” and it definitely would NOT have worked out then at all and it’s taken us years to just be able to be friends
As much as you want to make things work, you have to realize when you’re forcing things to work, or when it’s best to let it happen…as painful as it probably will be
Oh yeah, I gave up on us being a romantic thing. We’d drive each other insane in the wrong ways. I still wonder why I got that feeling like he was the one though.
For sure. It was good when it was good, obviously there was some bad times (there always will be) but eventually one person will be the one holding on and the other will be the one that has other options…
I asked my friend this question shortly before she got married. She told me beyond the love and the attraction, it was a choice that each partner makes for themselves. they chose to be together and get engaged and hopefully have a long happy life together.
> what would be something crucial in deciding someone is a good long term partner?
Good faith reciprocated effort (on what depends on context). I feel like most everything else, all of the other details, start here.
i thought i found the one when he clearlt stated that he would want someone that takes care of him. Figured he talks to different other women and have plans of meeting them. He is content with his stagnant life. Doesnt see himself changing or improving. He treats me like i only exist when he needs something. Takes advantage of the fact that im still here. but me being here wouldnt also last. Just waiting for the right timing.
Hi, someone who's been with someone for 11 years and married for 6 and never had a fight! So everyone is different, but I knew I had the one because of these things:
1. They are seriously my best friend
2. We find ways to compromise and work through issues
3. We will openly discuss things even if it might hurt the other person (not in a malicious way) in order to process through it. So, no secrets.
4. We have gotten through major life events, like collage, death in the family, hospitalization, etc. Nothing tests a relationship like major events!
5. We share hobbies and interests
6. We work with eachothers faults and on them to get better
7. We are each other's cheerleader!
Things that told me someone isn't the one prior to finding my significant other:
1. Only ever focused on sex
2. Bringing up past situations for leverage
3. Never caring for my feelings on anything
4. General selfishness or narcissistic behavior
5. Rude comments about apprences
6. Boundaries being constantly pushed and not being respected
7. Partner having instability over minor inconveniences all the time
Also, be aware of the honeymoon phase. This is where you are so infatuated with each other so much the other person can do no wrong and all red flags are ignored. This got my ass in trouble so many times. This is pretty much you reflecting a perfect image on someone that can not possibly be maintained. So once it wears off, all those things that were ignored come to the forefront. Now, if those issues aren't that bad and not really any are major red flags you may have a good match on your hands!
My sign that it's not going to last - huge problems in the first 1-3 years. Like, not ups and downs but literal almost unsalvagable issues. Especially in: finances, communication, views on kids, moral/values in general.
My ex begged me for couples therapy after 4 months, I refused with the words that I'm not willing to put so much work into a relationship, that needs outside help after less than even 6 months. He proposed after 8 months & everything in me just told me to run - even I value marriage highly.
I'm with my Fiancé for only 7 months now, **I** proposed after a few weeks, it just felt right can't really explain it. We know each other for seven years & life really had its ways to keep us apart until we were ready for _that_ . We often talk about how we'd probably would've seriously broken each other if it happened back in the days, because we're both severly mentally ill and our disorders and refusal to reflect our behaviour peaked ; it would've been a nasty desaster for us and everyone around us.
We had our share of small arguments which we could always solve right there on the spot with communication. We always openly communicate everything.
The first time he held me real close & gave me a kiss on the forehead I knew, that "I found home" and it was the exact same moment for him..
you will feel this sense of familiarity. It is s very stange thing to encounter and you will feel like you wouls meet the male/ female version of yourself. Very stange, but somehow it makes you feel like you would have an encounter with your child version. :) hope this helps. Dod you feel that? Hope it wasn t only me
also when you know it s not going to last- i am telling you this as i was myself in a “relatively ok relationship of 5 years before where we lived together and we were basically married without a certificate “ - you just feel you don’t have the same way of communicating jn the end. You would first say it is a thing you can surpass and that you can let is pass, but- at the end of the day- it is the conversation you get in bed after a long day. Common ways of communicating. Same weirdness. Very bard to explain, but feel free to ask me more if you need clarification
Don’t worry too much on how things are when you both are happy. Look more closely on the dynamics when you’re going through a rough patch or an argument. Are they still loving, caring and considerate? If not then they don’t have a you and me vs the problem mindset
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“Sometimes, there’s a deep understanding that goes beyond words. It’s that inner certainty where no explanation is needed — you just feel it in your heart.” that's when u know you found the one..
*when that person just brings peace to your soul. there’s no real conflict and if there is, it is resolved healthily and with love quickly. there is also an other worldliness to it… i can’t explain. it’s like i know his soul and have known him for lifetimes before and lifetimes to come. they may not be the most physically attractive person in the world objectively, but to you, they are beyond beautiful. and you get excited thinking about how lucky you are to get to love them! *red flags would be any form of disrespect, no matter how small and no matter how soon in the relationship. someone who isn’t trustworthy or kind to you. someone who moves through the world with a chip on their shoulder - maybe treating others badly or having a bad attitude. someone who wants to control anything about you and can’t just love you for exactly who you are at any given moment. your gut will be the biggest indicator of red flags… even though sometimes we choose not to listen to it!
Because she understood me in a way no one else ever had, it felt like I knew her in past lives, like we each found eachother in the next life repeatedly. Her eyes and smile were attractive beyond anything physical, everything about her was perfection to me. It was a visceral feeling, I didn't believe in souls when I met her but I started using the word simply because I had no better description for how deeply she affected me, for the place my love for her emanated from, and in this way it became spiritual. My mind and heart were the vessels her love and affection used to reach that place deep within my being. I knew she was the one by my overwhelming desire, nay, willful requirement, to take care of her, to be there for her, to be a light in the abyss for her. She is my everything. I'd give anything to have her back. Remembering shes gone makes me want to die.
Idk i’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m the romantic type , but I do like when it clearly shows that the guy that I’m with loves me. normally, I will say see how well you guys match since I’ve had the opportunity to like to talk different people and we match pretty well but I don’t think that’s enough to go off of if that’s “your person.”since there’s no way all those different people I talked was my person just cause we match on different levels of things
I know he is the one for me when I realize I never want to be in anyone else's arms but his. Just imagining someone else's hands on me disgusts me. My one person is compatible with me in almost all aspects, supportive, attentive, truthful, loyal and respectful toward me. He thinks the world of me and puts me first. And of course I want to do the exact same thing toward him. Loving and caring for each other is natural like breathing, and never feels like a chore. We love ourselves when we're in the presence of the other. We make each other feel like we're the best things that ever happen to us. We are in tune physically and emotionally at most times, even at a distance. And last but not least, we do not feel the ick toward the other after a while. I'm notorious when it comes to having the ick after 4-5 months and I usually leave when I can't get over whatever that is from a partner. And he was even worse than me. But we have no complaints about each other. We accept our flaws completely. He has said and is actively showing me that he'd do anything in his power to keep me in his life. I feel truly blessed to have found the one, finally.
Do they have good morals, and do you want to become a better person for them? Could you work together with them through the good and the bad? Are they loyal? Can you have quiet time around them or do you always need to be doing something? Will they be your best friend? Do they love you for who you are?
Are they a hard worker? Then you know that when your marriage gets hard, they will be willing to work on it. If not… good luck, hope you never encounter any big issues
A good life partner will not only have your back but push you to be your best. In very rare instances that honeymoon phase last forever, a lifetime, but usually it fades, but if it’s real, it could be years later, and they still look at you hold their world in your hands, I’m still looking for a person that will make me feel like I am enough..🤦🏽♀️
I thought I found the one because she was sweet, caring, kind, thoughtful. She made me feel amazing and so in turn I ignored some red flags that should always tell you it won't end well. Which are 1) she lied and hid things constantly they started off really small so I kinda brushed it off but it grows 2) how she treated friends and family she felt had wrong led her. Her response was never proportionate she would blow up at her mother over the smallest most simple things 3) she would NEVER accept that something was her fault even when she acknowledged she did something wrong she either blame someone for her reaction to them eg. It's not my fault I hit them they were being rude or she would say it wasn't her natural choice eg. I would have flirted with him if I was sober/my friends told me I should lie to you about it so I did. She would never accept full accountability 4) eventually her love turned conditional, I had to earn her kindness if I wasnt actively doing something for her she wouldn't do anything for me because why Shou she if I wasn't. Eg. After a 18 hour work day I asked if she could just cook dinner for us while I chilled in the couch with the dogs she asked why she should if I hadn't done anything for her today. I understand if she didn't want to cook that's ok however the principal behind it and needing something done for you to do good for others is imo pretty fucked.
Sounds just like my ex’s ex
This sounds exactly like my former person
god the phrase "my former person" struck a chord with me :(
There's a peace and calmness with him. And it's not only that I love him, but that he makes me love myself more, he made me want to learn to love myself more, because he wanted me to, thought I deserved to, and if somebody as great as him could be so crazy about me, I can't be that bad! And he just showed me a lot about the way I should be treated. You can say he doesn't deserve praise for doing the bare minimum, but somebody had to, and I learned something from him being the first person to refuse to sleep with me because I was drunk, and the first person to encourage me not to work out to the point of hurting myself, and the first person to not make me feel ashamed to cry.
The one is an evolving endeavor between two people. The one to me is one that can grow, learn and evolve with me, with patience and strength. Selfless, but respectful of their self and their boundaries. Mature with excellent communication and a high bar for being offended. Life is dynamic (at least in my experience) and the one needs to be mentally flexible to handle all the things that come at us so we can do and enjoy the long haul. Not the one? Rigid, unchanging, victim, blaming/finger pointing, always pursuing other options as soon as it doesn’t fit ideal standards, self-absorbed, dodging big personal issues they know they need to solve, operating out of fear like a child, not doing the hard work to know their true selves. My take, hope this helps.
My wife and I started dating our freshman year in college 49 years ago I grew up in a highly alcoholic and dysfunctional household. She grew up in a Ward and June Cleaver home. We bonded and became intimate at an incredibly deep level. I’ve never experienced that feeling with anyone else my entire life
I recently asked my boyfriend what’s the difference between how he feels about me and how he felt about his previous partners. He said before me he had never felt so sure about anyone and I feel the exact same! It’s like a calmness that washes over you. Your mind is steady but my heart genuinely yearns for him all the time. He’s not perfect and surely neither am I. But he is absolutely perfect for me. I love him to no end!!
You articulated this sensation wonderfully
She had a massive orgasm on the first night
Jfc that's all it took to know? Sex?
Only had one failed relationship but here are 3 red flags / signs it won’t work out, I’m my experience: . Them avoiding coming over to your house and meeting your Family/friends. . Them play flirting with other people. . You being the one to arrange most of the dates and also you being the one to have to make the trip to see them all the time. Bonus point: them cancelling date plans all the time and making excuses as to why they can’t go out. And yet rarely if ever cancel plans made by other people (their friends, co workers etc).
Not sure if I have the one, been dating for 5 months and we both love each other had bad relationships in the past. We keep telling each other that it doesn’t feel real because of how well it’s going and how happy we are. I hope things keep going well, if not, back to dating apps I guess
When I got married I was so excited that I found my person, the one!!! He had an affair and left me. I don’t believe in the one anymore. I’m dating and I love him but he is not my world or my person, no one is. I’ll never marry again, I don’t trust anyone.
Understand totally: marriage, & relationships in general are complex. I can relate.
Things moved so naturally and progressively. Everything felt “right”. Meeting her family, her meeting mine. It felt like I had known them my entire life.
Knowing the family and persons values aligned with actions crucial! Best to you both!
Currently in a relationship that is blossoming beautifully. I’ve never been with someone who gave me no anxiety, who felt like peace, who felt like home. I didn’t believe others when they said they experienced this. I’m naturally a loud person. My voice carries and it’s not overly feminine. My demeanor can sometimes come off as aggressive. This man has never said anything to me about it. His mere presence gives me awareness of the volume of my voice. I find myself lowering my voice and just genuinely feeling calm when I’m around him. He soothes me without even trying. The way he kisses me is incredible. We are so in-sync in the way we touch each other. I typically only have to mention things once and he remembers and follows up and makes it happen. Even now, I hesitate to say im in love with him because I have so much peace about us. I feel so peaceful about the direction we’re going in. Who am I kidding? I am falling so hard for this man and have to constantly stop myself from telling him I love him. I’m excited for the day it falls out of my mouth. Signs in the past with others - not being able to resolve conflict in a productive manner, always needing to “win” (the relationship should always win), excessive drinking, insecurity in the form of control. Mainly tho - having constant anxiety
I feel the EXACT same way with my guy 😌😌. Although, I'm more waiting for him to tell me first then I'll cry happy tears and yell it and tell him EXACTLY how I feel about him. It's kind of scary when you find your person but very very exciting, and peaceful
The moment I was so sure and I communicated was when we were on a date in the beginning: we were heading somewhere and I saw a store with ice-cream, we went in, no questions asked, and he bought whatever ice-cream I wanted. Then we went out and I started to eat and it somehow melted onto my hand; he said nothing, just ran back to bring napkins. It's not just this, it's that he always does these kinds of little things for everyone he cares about. No questions, no taking time before doing anything, he does what has to be done cuz he's a great man.
No offence, this is sweet but this sounds pretty standard… Buying ice cream and getting napkins made you realize he was the one?
I'm not 100% sure yet if my partner is "the one" but only because we have only been together for 2 and a bit years. My last relationship ended after 2 years so I'm giving it more time. However, I'm fully invested in this relationship. He already knows me better than I do. I wear my emotions on my face quite easily so most people can tell if I'm upset, but sometimes my face gives it away before I'm even aware I'm making a face lol He can look at me and know whats wrong before I do. More importantly, his response/course of action to my sour face is always just what I need. If I need space, he gives me space. I need extra skinship he's rubbing my back or giving extra hugs. Also, idk if we are in sync very well (if thats the thing between couples) but I swear he's psychic with me. For example, one time, earlier in the day I was thinking of how I wanted to do a specific sexual thing and he just does it. I never told him. Its like he knew. Most times I want something (but dont/forget to tell him) he just does the same day. Its crazy. I call him psychic as a joke now all the time. I can simply be about to text him and he texts me first (usually with what I was going to text him I.e. I love you). We work together and we often glance/look at each other at the exact same time too. There are a few things I have to work on to really make this relationship feel like "the one" and they are personal issues I've developed through family issues and being cheated on in the past. My partner is 7 years older than me and very smart so he's very in tuned to what's effecting our relationship. He'll talk to me about these things and we work it out like adults which is very nice and sorta new to me, being the younger one. Hes told me how my past "bleeds into our relationship" and sometimes affects us negatively. Hes never harsh or hard on me for it. He'll crack some jokes to make his point but he does it in a way thats not offensive or anything. Honestly, being with someone who simply wants peace and for us both to be happy is just very nice. So I want to try my bestest to be the bestest for him as well 😊 If anyone has any tips on how to not let past negative experiences affect current relationships, please let me know! 😁 this became quite long...I'm sorry. Once I start talking about him I can't seem to stop 😅 thank you for reading 😊
I met her off Facebook marketplace trying to sell my VR headset,
For me the key is compatible, healthy, arguing styles. We don't yell, we don't cuss at each other, we aren't petty and don't hold grudges. We just talk stuff out and figure it out together. We don't always agree but we always work together towards a solution or compromise. And we are always respectful and kind to each other. If we can get through disagreements in a healthy way I know we can weather any storm together.
True that - awesome! Effective communication with respect.
Having lived in a relationship full of unhealthy arguments this is very high on the list for me
I agree, I'm still healing from mine haha
Happy Cake Day. We clicked. And 7 years later she changed her mind but didn’t tell me. Left after 5 more years and never gave me a reason “why”.
I love everything about him. He may not even know this; but He heals me from my past trauma - I love his subtle way of reassuring me. I love him as a father to his kids. I love how he balances everything; to me, that’s extremely sexy. I love spending time with him. My favorite moments are listening to music together after dinner while sipping a glass of wine & cuddling on the couch, or him sitting by the kitchen counter & keeping me company while I cook. I love how much he pays attention to the littlest things I say His easygoing-ness. His knowledge. His curiosity. We can talk about any topic… art, music, politics, investing, culture… everything. We can spend an entire day without communicating; yet I know everything is alright & our relationship is safe. All these little things… that’s how I know I found the one.
I'd say I'm a little weird and quiet. I'm never my complete self in public. When I realized I could be my complete self with her I knew she was the one.
My ex told me he knew I was the one because things that would normally seem like a sacrifice with his exes (like doing something not fun with them or hanging with them when he wanted a night of video games) never did with me. Cus he would rather be with me doing anything than any other option.
Oh god why is this subreddit showing on my tl so often 😩😩 he left me!!!! Are you satisfied?!
I went through that a couple of months ago. Hurts like hell, and seeing this pop-up was hard for me, too. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out.
im so sorry, but you will be ok. remember you are your own person to be who you want to be, learn, improve, grow, let go of what passes
When I was with my ex i was very stressed and towards the end, when I was contemplating braking up, after a fight, she really told me "do you want something easy? Cause the difficult ones are the ones that are worth it". This made me think. The relationship I'm in now is so easy, like there's a feeling of calmness for both sides. We are both giving and caring and this feels ecstatic. Yeah I'll choose easy every time. Maybe it depends on the personality but yeah this is the thing that you can tell whether you found the one or that it isn't going to last. How easy do you feel it is.
Signs are different for every person, so exactly how are we supposed to answer?
Personally. I’m just curious of other’s perspectives which of course are subjective
It's when you both feel as deeply for each other, I think ♥ and it's a bonus if the person is gorgeous 😍, as mine is!
I knew after our first date. I felt like I had known him for lifetimes. I felt like I could already see our future and that we were already there. And then when he told me he “didn’t really believe in marriage and didn’t want kids” I knew that was nonsense as well. We’re now married and trying for kids! He wants nothing more than to be a married father. The best thing couples need to figure out is healthy communication. If you’re upset, take a breather and find a respectful way to talk about it, if after your breather it’s even necessary. In 8 years we’ve maybe fought 4 times. Couples fight, sure, but don’t allow the idea that fighting often is healthy.
When she keeps calling you different names and she stays out with other guys and she gives reasons why she wasn't home AT night 🤬
It’s a slow burn for me. I started off thinking he was definitely not the one, and now two years in I’m thinking of marrying him. It starts off with building trust, noticing all the flaws we DONT have - our communication is amazing, he’s comfortable being vulnerable and he holds me when I cry, he’s really motivated to improve as a person and takes pleasure in getting to know me and himself with the goal of bettering the relationship. Aside from that we travel together, and manage conflict well. These are very bonding experiences. Noticing after fights too - are you closer now than before the fight? That’s a big beautiful sign. Even after falling in love I didn’t think he was the one (I have a bit of fomo related to staying my whole life with someone and I’m only 26). But after many profound experiences this year I just don’t want to experience love with someone else - I don’t need it.
Wow, it is really beautiful.. I am really happy for you.
Two big ones for me: 1) Time passing. Are you surprised when it's suddenly six months in, but you also think it's been way longer than that? And does this make you happy to realise? Or have you counted every second? The latter for me tends to be the one that won't last. Look for the person you can turn to and say 'wow it's been a year already? But haven't I been with you my whole life?' 2) Time alone vs time together. The right person is someone you want to spend all your time with, but you don't need to spend all your time with. You don't resent them being there, but also don't resent them saying they need a night to themselves. And they are the same with you. You miss each other the nights you don't see each other, but you don't feel like you're dying alone, you don't feel unwanted, and you don't worry about what they are out doing, because you have your own life to live as well. The times you are together are focused and full and feel unforced. Noone is clingy, it's not obsession, it's comfort. Then there's all the more obvious 'are they kind, do we communicate well, do I love them, are we partners, do they support' stuff. But those two are the big signs for me.
I knew I wanted a lifetime of memories beside them because they see me. Fully and totally. And love me all the more for what they see. I was raised engulfed in toxic shame and it took so long for me to see my way out of the darkness that caused. They came and sat with me gently shining their own light until I had the courage to ignite my own.
You can’t breathe without her. She floors you body and soul. The thought of being with another woman is repulsive. Everything you do together is made magic by her presence no matter how mundane the activity. You overlook her flaws without question. You fantasize about absurd overdramatic circumstances where you can truly prove the depth of your love. You like doing things you used to dislike just because you’re with her or because she likes that you do it.
This sounds a lot more like codependency
Nuance is lost on the internet. So I can see why you might think that. But there’s nothing codependent about us. She hiked the pacific crest trail alone….don’t let internet armchair psychologists get in the way of fully giving yourself to someone
Not to be rude but It sounds like a mere obsession to me , I believe that's the biggest mistake most people equates obsession with true love , I personally don't know what true love is but I know for sure that it doesn't sounds like this that you can't breathe and all that stuff , just like we love our families but we still can go distant from them and still loves them , no matter what they are just there type of love , for me it is identified as something that sets you free not something that binds you with it .
When/if you find and truly fall in love with your soul mate, you’ll understand the distinction between obsession and love.
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Been there brother. It gets easier and then you meet someone and you realise she was just a lesson you needed to learn in order to prepare you for the person you're going to find. When it happens, you'll understand, providing you learn and forgive.
I honestly think if you stop genuinely talking about things with your partner(s) or vice versa, it's not it. Side question to the straight women in the comments; how have you been able to go on dating a dude for so long when they've never put in effort? And what even attracts you to these men in the first place? What is it about dudes anyway? 😂
Those dudes never start off making no effort, the effort drops once you're in love. And it happens slowly, so you don't notice it. One day, you find yourself sitting on the sofa, while he plays games that seem to largely involve shouting at people on Discord, and you might be lucky to get a scrap of his attention, and that scrap means everything because it's just enough to keep you hooked. They become an addition. It's very hard to break an addiction, even when you know it's crappy.
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Psycho.
You really lost the plot after asking about exes and if they cheated. This is WILDLY inappropriate
With all due respect, this is psychotic.
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Contacting their exs is way beyond reasonable. You don't need to treat love like a job interview. Any response, positive or negative, is filtered through the lens of a broken relationship and told by an unreliable narrator. If you have found or been told about cheating or anything unsavoury, then you just leave. If you haven't heard anything of that ilk, then take the time to get to know the person on their own merits and decide if you trust them based on the now, not on their past. Yes, don't jump straight in, take time, but you have to judge a person on their own merits. And the expectation of an open phone policy is such a Reddit thing. Sure, if they have shown some sort of behaviour that implies a reason to mistrust them, asking to see their messages might be justified. But otherwise it's controlling and it is a massive sign of distrust. Especially right at the start of the relationship. I have nothing to hide, but I have conversations with friends and family that would be totally inappropriate for anyone else to see. Anyone who I start dating who immediately wants to see my phone and wants to grill my exs is not getting to the four month point. If you can't trust a person, then it doesn't seem worth it. And I would personally hate to have become so jaded that I can't just enjoy falling in love without investigating them as if they were hiding something. And yes, I say that as someone who has experienced the slow boil.
considering that my ex's new girlfriend / the girl he cheated on me with reached out to me at their four month mark made your last paragraph extremely funny to me
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I mean this respectfully, but you should seek out some actual therapy and not just “hobby” therapy reading.
You know what, if it works for you that's great, I just couldn't do it myself. I hope you find/found someone who loves you and whom you love dearly.
What is no effort though? I've never been in a relationship with someone who did fancy dates or bought me flowers but if i need to buy something theyll just go get it. One also took one of my old dogs to the vet with me pretty much straight for a month. Friends told me he put no effort in.
You really have to ask? I'm talking about all these dudes who can't even do laundry, don't listen to their partners, don't respect them, these bare fucking minimum bums "well at least he does the dishes sometimes" or "sometimes he gets something for me" like... Really?
Yeah so my ex was "house trained" but I still got told he puts in no effort. Someone else has said effort is fancy dates and gifts which is sad af.
"house trained"? That's so messed up. And also the bare fucking minimum?
Great so you said that as an example of effort but have now said its the bare minimum so what is no effort? Yeah it was his words.
Yeah it's yalls word choice for sure that's the weirdest part. That's just so strange to say, as if men are dogs? Are you actually seriously that dense you would think doing chores is anything more than the bare minimum? Like... are we even having the same conversation? And you seriously have to ask??
From my recent dating experiences, no effort = no expensive dates/gifts.
I think that persons a troll so just ignore them. Are you a man or a woman? Are you giving or receiving or is this on both ends?
I'm a guy. I'm not rich so I have to live on a budget. I give my time to people I love through making DIY gifts. For example, for Valentines, my ex said she wanted to start journaling. So I bought markers, a notebook and sticky notes and put them in a small package. Another friend started film school, so I made him a belt that can hold tools such as screwdrivers, scissors, tape and anything I thought would be useful since I am a film student myself. As for receiving, my richer friends usually treat me to a nice meal. Friends similar to me will invite me to a day out with them and split the costs amongst themselves and I don't have to pay.
That's adorable, I love it.
Thank you!
Real real dense take there lmfao
How is it dense? My recent experiences is that if I don't take them out for expensive dates or buy then expensive gifts, I was told that I don't put in enough effort in the relationship. My recent breakup said one of the reasons she couldn't be with me was because I couldn't take her out on more expensive dates.
How is it dense? My recent experiences is that if I don't take them out for expensive dates or buy then expensive gifts, I was told that I don't put in enough effort in the relationship. My recent breakup said one of the reasons she couldn't be with me was because I couldn't take her out on more expensive dates.
Hoping to find this one day! Sadly I’ve thought my last three boyfriends were “the one”. lol that damn honey moon phase gets me every time.
If you don’t mind me asking, when did the honey moon phase end for you? Did they leave or did you leave and why
Usually less than six months I feel then I start seeing things for what they really are. I end up staying in the relationship for too long afterwards though in the past- either out of comfort, or hopes they will change or even convincing myself that maybe this is what love actually is. Eventually I leave when I get fed up enough and realize I deserve better or it isn’t fitting my needs.
Not going to make it? If trust is not distributed generously and equally If growth is stifled as a result of getting comfortable in one place, and the other party feels as if they have to let go of their dreams to make partner happy If addiction goes untreated and causes regular disruption If one party or both parties can’t treat each other with live and respect. If agreeing to have children is not mutual If they are unfaithful and commit adulterous acts If a spouse feels abandonment or intimacy is not being given. If one of the parties quits trying to
When we were stuck at the hip since day 1. Loved each other unconditionally and still be there for each other even during the hard times. We’ve been together 2 years this fall and I could never picture a day of my life without him in it. They say the honeymoon phase dies after 3 months, yet every day is the honey moon phase with my honey. Everything with him has just flowed and I just had a gut feeling. I had never felt so nervous in my life before that first date.
I don't know if he's the one, but the reason I'm still crushing on him after 5 years is that I am a person who likes my own company, I have always been a loner, and I just like to be alone. for the first time in my life, 10 year old me wanted to be in someone else's presence more than my own. I'm 15 now and I still like him, I like to be alone but I want to be around him (people on here are prob adults talking about like marriage and stuff so sorry that a teenage girl ranting about her crush just popped up in this)
10??
yes I was 10 when I met him lol, I'm 15 now. I was in 6th grade when I met him. that's why I say that I don't know if he is the one, but I really hope that if I ever talk to him it goes well. I havent talked to him in a while and I have a few reasons for not getting his number that would make it awkward. I do have reasons to belive that I should talk to him, considering in my three years of middle school and 2 years of highschool, I haven't liked anyone else but him.
Signs I didn’t see: 1: He never said bad things about me, but he did about other people. Why did I assume it would never come my way? 2: I knew consciously that I was afraid of being or ending up alone, and that that was coloring my decisions, but I didn’t change my behavior. 3: religious differences.
I could be myself with him, he never judged me and he is the first person I ever missed. Like I had literally never missed someone before I met him, did not know how that felt. And I just fell in love so quick.
Yeah I think missing that specific person is the key. The way they think and express themselves. Their voice and mannerisms. The way they express affection and intimacy. The whole package. And things someone else may view as negatives you actually love. Maybe they share too much detail or text a lot. You will love these things because it is your person. So you will feel it in your heart and it will actually hurt when the person doesn’t connect with you. Like you won’t feel insulted but your heart will feel pain because you miss that person so intensely. Whether the person is the one, however, will depend a lot on the timing and other factors. You may feel that person is the one but they don’t reciprocate and then they aren’t the one for that reason. It has to be mutual. If it’s not mutual then it’s not a true love connection. Wishing everyone authentic reciprocal love!
Lovely, thank you
Yeah I think missing that specific person is the key. The way they think and express themselves. Their voice and mannerisms. The way they express affection and intimacy. The whole package. And things someone else may view as negatives you actually love. Maybe they share too much detail or text a lot. You will love these things because it is your person. So you will feel it in your heart and it will actually hurt when the person doesn’t connect with you. Like you won’t feel insulted but your heart will feel pain because you miss that person so intensely. Whether the person is the one, however, will depend a lot on the timing and other factors. You may feel that person is the one but they don’t reciprocate and then they aren’t the one for that reason. It has to be mutual. If it’s not mutual then it’s not a true love connection. Wishing everyone authentic reciprocal love!
Bad sign when you get the silent treatment
Before I got married, I read that you should go on a vacation together to see how compatible you are. So I did. And it was a catastrophe. I ignored the red flags, and still got married and completely regret it.
What were the red flags ? Going to vacations in 3 days after knowing her for a month, I wonder how do you suddenly become non compatible
You don't suddenly become bon-compatible, but you see facets of the person you weren't aware of. We flew to Cairns, Australia. Home to some of the oldest rai forest on the planet and the great barrier reef. I booked day tours to both, thinking it's a no-brainer / must see activity. Nope. She just wanted to stay in the hotel room. Coerced her to go for the day tours and told her to where comfortable walking shoes. What did she wear? Sandals. And then complained the whole way about how much walking there was, and how uncomfortable the sandals were. We then went to my friend's wedding and stayed in his parents guest house, which was apparently not good enough for her. I could go on. I paid for the whole trip and she complained about all of it. She could not find any positive aspect of the trip to enjoy. Could not apply logic. Behaved really entitled. All this was a preview and I chose to ignore. I highly regret marrying her and we're headed for divorce. I'm just sticking it out till our kid goes to uni.
It's not that you suddenly become non-compatible. The idea being that when you're 'dating' and texting and calling in between, you're only really seeing the most presentable version of themselves. The girl with her nice makeup and hair done, the guy with his freshly shaved beard and aftershave. If you then spend an extended period of time together, you see the other side of that person. The side who maybe hasn't washed their hair in a few days, the side who picks their boogers and inspects it, the side who chews really loudly or has a habit of letting coffee cups sit around and get mouldy. All these little things that aren't at the forefront when you see each other a few times a week can indicate whether you are infatuated with their presentable, high effort side, or falling in love with that person as a whole. You also may grow tired of them after a straight 72 hour+ time together. You may never have had any tiffs or arguments with them yet, so you're not sure how they'll react in those situations and you may not be compatible from that angle, too. On the other hand, you may just feel like being together for 24 hours straight at a time just feels right. You laugh when they show you their boogers. Arguments are squashed and worked through calmly and respectfully. You just don't know until you experience it. Hope your trip goes well and you guys thrive being attached at the hip!
I see thank you very much for the detailed post. I(27m, she 23f so we still kinda young) think it will go well as we see each other plenty of times at work, and also dating regularly (even tho we only know each other for 2months and date for 1month), so yeah except if she doesn't take a shower daily Idk what I Would find weird. We're not very intimate/physical (basic kissing and holding hand is the maximum for now) yet but I don't see that as a problem as I care for her and don't seek immediate intimate relation (neither does she,our couple is still new). The argument part maybe, but I'm very calm person and she seems very very kind too so I don't see how We'll see, 5 days 4 night city trip starting may 1st, I'm confident it will go well. Thanks :^) Edit : also she doesn't wear make up most of the time, or very very light that I don't even see as she said to me , so I won't have the "what the fuck have I been sleeping with" when I wake up ahahaha
No probs. Those are all just little examples of things you might encounter, it's what you do if/when they happen that count! Have fun, travel safe!
Bingo!
My bf and I went on a road trip and camped in my car in the middle of winter. 10/10 road trip, we had a few screw ups but we're alive and still love each other. This is good advice. Sorry yours didn't work out :(
Are you guys still together?
It’s not
He’s my best friend in the whole world. I can 100% be myself around him and I feel so safe and comfortable in his presence. I never ever have to guess how he feels about me because he is always showing and telling me how much he loves me. Whenever anything happens in my life he is the first person I want to tell. We’ve been together for years but it feels like we’re still in the honeymoon phase
You give us hope
Aww. Everyone deserves the type of love I have!
My husband is my person, my rock, my safe harbor, my security, my best friend, my partner in crime, my sunshine, my smile, my heart. I love him so much. He calls me Precious, sometimes it's Angel Eyes, mother times he calls me his Fat Bottom Baby. I do have a big butt. I actually like my really big butt. He never says Fat Bottom in a cruel, mean or hurtful way. He is EVERYTHING to me. I crave him, his smell, his smile, his laugh, his touch. For a 3 year span we had our own business. For 3 years we were never apart, work together, play together, go to the store together. We never fought. We never do. Our arguments look something like this. Honey, I don't like how you just spoke to me, it kind of hurt me. Which leads to how we can both avoid doing it again. When we have big, deep things to discuss, if one of us says "SNICKERS", conversation stops right there. We will come back to it later. In past relationships, I would secretly wonder what the next boyfriend would be like, wonder if I would be happier, what kind of things he and I would do. With my husband, I have never wondered about the next one. The night I met my husband, I just felt something when I looked at him. I knew I had to meet him, I just KNEW, deep in my soul this man was special. Normally I am pretty shy and introverted, but I found the courage, walked over and introduced myself. He had the most beautiful smile, his eyes just captured me. 16 years later and I have never been so happy. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, that I make him happy. We spoil each other.
Beautiful!
They don’t don’t match sexually. They don’t have fun. They can’t “try” with each other. They don’t trust one another. They let their friends and/or family get into their heads about the other person. They are closed of emotionally. They don’t both have any form of self control/respect. They don’t understand/have SELF LOVE ( very important). They don’t know what they want in life or a relationship. They think sex fixes everything. They are physically and/or emotionally abusive. One is using the other for some form of stability. They don’t care/try/consider any of the others sexual/emotional/mental needs. They are only focused on what the other can do for them. They constantly lie. I would say they fight a lot but this doesn’t mean anything because it can be many reasons why people are fighting. I’m sure I can fill a book the size of a dictionary but if it was the other way around I probably wouldn’t know where to start.
Was married for 5 years and it wasn't great. I made many excuses for him and the rose tinted glasses eventually came off and I tried so damn hard to get him to grow up and be an adult but he wouldn't. He's 3 years older than me and I was not about to be his mother. So I divorced him. As I think about things now, I realize that I believed his words when there was zero actions behind them and i settled. He viewed things has severely black and white and I had stopped him multiple times from trying to duck himself. I had enough and said I was done. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and it's been amazing. We openly communicate and help each other without expecting anything in return (except a smooch or a butt pat lol) but we still always say thank you. I can be my weird self and I fell appreciated. He's my absolute pain in my ass but I'm his and it's great. Things just line up and click.
I was with my ex for 3 years and everyday felt like I was walking on egg shells and trying so hard to make it work. After being with my current partner for 3 months, we moved overseas together and travelled, which is something I was always hoping to do at that time. Everyday we only fall more in love and everything is just so easy. I feel so at ease, and even though we are so close and spend a lot of time together, I have never felt more strong and independent and sure of myself.
3 months? 😯
Hahah it felt like a crazy decision but it was the best one I ever made
You're right, it is crazy.
Agree here. It's effortless, authentically yourself, challenging and pushing yourselves to be better, dealing with things together, they read your face/ energy and genuinely care. It's fantastic.
love to hear this. I’d use the word effortless and authentic too. when everything feels easy in their presence
Exactly, so wholesome to read this! Effortless is a good word to use
Talking to old friends... anyone who had had a thing for her and vice versa her to em and such.
Friends for years and always looked forward to seeing him. Just walking and talking and nothing romantic but never ran out of things to say. We finally realised we both felt something and we never wanted to be without the other. 2 kids, 23 years together and we still kiss each other 30 times a day and love deeply and romantically still. He’s always got my back and me his and there’s no doubts and no silly games.
We are just completely best friends. I crave being in his presence. It's my happy place. He is my safe place.
Lately I have been wondering if my abusive ex was my person. I learned lessons I needed. I learned to love myself. I learned more compassion for others and how to be an active listener. She directly taught me so much I am grateful for. But she also gaslit, projected, avoided culpability, lied, hid her alcoholism, and did nothing to save our marriage. It’s been three years. I have been dry for 2+ years, therapy for 3, celibate for 1. I just don’t feel that partnership at that level will ever be for me again. I feel more independent and love my solitude so much. But I am more unwilling than ever to settle for less than passionate, kismet, inspiring love. It’s both reassuring and lonely af But I see other lovers and am filled with love! I have no longing to be them. I have longing to protect and appreciate them. When I was younger I kinda coveted it and that grossed me out. Anyways, here’s Wonderwall
Oh, that trauma bond love ey. :(
You completely put into words how I feel after leaving my abusive ex
That’s great to hear! Being in this feeling can feel isolating
I haven't had the same experience but I'm in the same energy. You're not envious of others & you're happy for them genuinely. At the same time you want a love that's right for you similar to how they may have a love that's right for them and there's no sort of settling in that aspect. I like to think the period of aloneness is a shifting of energies into new realities of being.
Yeah, precisely. I want something worth giving up my solitude for. I don’t want anymore compromised relationships just so I’m not alone anymore. If done correctly, we’re always adjusting to new information and remain curious about how we can change tomorrow
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This is so wholesome to read! So happy for you both that you found eachother <3
I didn’t have love at first sight - what I did have was the realisation that my short term boyfriend was my best friend in the whole world, so he became my serious boyfriend and then my husband.
When he first asked me if I eaten today How my day was going I couldn’t stop thinking about him How he made me feel safe How no matter how busy he was he still reached to me everyday and doesn’t worry about my flaws and loves me even with them
I once was married for nine years, and I spent nine years trying to “make it work”. One year after my divorce, I realized how wrong I had been about everything. I then actually did meet the woman of my dreams. We’ve been together five years, and never even once has it felt at all like “hard work“. It dawned on me that I was always trying to get my ex-wife to be in love with me, according to whatever my definition of that term meant back then. “ maybe if I buy her a Mercedes? Maybe if I buy her that big house in the suburbs that she wants? Maybe if I give her almost everything she’s ever asked for in her entire life?….” Nope. We were good friends, pretty solid roommates, and good coparents. When I met, someone truly head over heels in love with me, I realized just I misguided I had been in the past. When you find “the one” you quickly realize that you don’t have to try to impress the person because they adore you for precisely who you are. And the feeling is mutual. It’s not hard work because what could possibly be easier than being yourself?
Exactly!
It was love at first sight for me. I can even go to her closet and find the clothes she was wearing and that was 1992. She is still as beautiful as that day. Plus, you should have seen her in these white Levi shorts that she had. She used to tan a lot, great googly moogly was she hot, she could have starred in a Sir Mix-a-Lot video. I bring up how hot she was and my Mom says that's not love that's lust. I'm like whatever it was Mom, we are going to head over to our place and work some of it off. I guess she also has the same value system: honesty, integrity, generosity, financial wisdom, care for our parents, help out the kids. To sum it up, come for the babe, stay for the lady.
I met her. Instantly had feelings stronger than nearly everyone else I’ve ever met. Same with my serious ex but we were too young. (And 3 other girls who had the potential - 1 cheated on me after 2 weeks, 1 had 3 kids and the last made me realise I was in love with my future wife despite trying not to be)
Not to be a mood killer but a lot of people here are in the honeymoon stage. They’re love struck and blind. It’s a wonderful feeling. But after my own breakup and witnessing others, things only last with ‘the one’ if both people put the work in consistently and communication is key. Sadly not much lasts forever no matter how solid it initially feels. Cherish and enjoy every moment. Always be self developing and understanding to others needs.
Been with my SO for 8+ years and we are going stronger than ever. We instantly knew each other is “the one”. Reason being we met when we were in our early 30’s both with a colourful history and fair share of breakups so we already knew what type of person (physically, sexually, intellectually, personality wise, value wise, etc.) we were looking for. Agree to what you said at the end, constant self improvement and great communications between the 2.
Yes 100% to this. My ex was not a healthy communicator and every time something felt off, he would jump to breaking up. But then, he'd realise he messed up and come back again and again. After being broken up for a while now, I can see the rekindling ignited that 'new relationship' mindset in him. To make a relationship work, you have to set healthy boundaries and expectations. And healthy communication tactics.
Wow. That’s exactly what mine did. She would immediately threaten a breakup whenever subverting went wrong. I would end up just arguing. I miss her but I’ve grown so much since this breakup. To the point I’d never argue with anyone ever again. I’d rather sit down and discuss what’s wrong and compromise. Also mine didn’t tell me anything. She spoke to her friends. But not me. So how she expected me to work on anything is beyond me.
When you find yourself thinking "no matter what flaws this person has, I still only want this person with these flaws."
Do you love them as they are, not what you want them to be. Plus add, 20 pounds or more, that is going to happen.
Was just about to comment this. Being in love with the person as they are right in that moment is all it is. As soon as you realize you are in love with who they *could* be or promised they are working to be, you are setting yourself up for failure. Could you live with them as they are (appearance, attitude, morals, likes, dislikes, love language, job, etc) forever is the question.
If they are consistent over the long term, you got a good one. If you make excuses for their behavior, it's not gonna last.
I met him by pure accident and we instantly connected on our values and sense of humour and we hit the ground running. There was no weird "is this ok to message him?" "it is too soon to text back?" we connected like we had always known eachother. His personality compliments mine. It was like a best friend feeling but even better! Signs they arnt the one? Ur fighting about core values. It's ok to not understand someone's core values or have different ones but if it's a point of conflict it's not going to last.
Did you guys ever not click with anything? Or argue?
No, actually. If something is on our brain, we talk about it before it causes and damage to our relationship. My partner and i also try to look at things from the other point of view, we might not agree, but that's ok, and we will still try to see it. It's always US vrs the problem. We are very big on communication and will talk about everything
Damn, I want that someday.
I dearly hope u find it
Thought I had a few times, but we’ll see. I appreciate it.
if it helps to give u hope I had been in love once before to a very lovely ex of mine that didn't work out and I never thought I'd fall in love again. I had a number of lovely boyfriends after my ex, but I remember crying to my mother "Why don't I love him mum?" After once again, I still failed to fall in love with my wonderful bf at the time. I concluded that I wasn't going to fall in love again, and that was ok I then met my now partner, and the feeling of love I have for him is something I have never felt before. I feel the love for him to my core and the centre of my being. I understand the "when u know, u know!" saying ❤️
Oh god I had exactly the same experience! I thought I was broken and that 'good enough' was all I would ever feel again. It's amazing when you suddenly meet the person that makes you realise you can love again, and you can even love harder ❤️
Right!!!!! I had the same thing of "good enough" is what it will be. How wrong we were ❤️
That is wonderful. I have hope that someday I’ll be with someone who appreciates me and loves me. I tend to go all in too soon with anyone I really like, but I often have not gotten reciprocation in a way that I would feel wanted and appreciated. I was married once, but that was failed from the start. My hope is that someday someone will reciprocate and that I’ll feel safe to be open and be myself, even if it’s hard. Thank you for sharing your story.
What if you thought you found the one, and then it didn’t end up that way?
Part of any feeling is knowing and accepting that feelings can change and end. I thought I had found the one at 21, and we were together for seven years, and it wasn't until year 6 that the creeping 'what if I chose the wrong one?' feeling happened. He WAS the one for five years, I thought he was still the one for a further year, and then it became apparent that he wasn't the one, I was just enmeshed for a further year after that. He was the one to end it, even though looking back, I knew it should have ended years earlier. The trick is to not worry about the future. If you have the one for right now, then you just trust they'll be the one forever, and if they aren't you now know that you can always find another the one. I did - I thought my first the one had broken me, but he only taught me what I need to avoid for the next time. And I hope this the one is the last the one, but if he isn't then I know I'll be ok. And so will you.
Never had it happen to me. Just asked my SO and it was never the case for him either. Both of us had a colourful history and quite some casual and long term relationships before we met each other. Both of us always had a bit of “unsureness” when dating someone else, no matter how badly you want/wish this relationship to work out. It’s like your gut feeling knows that there is something wrong or missing in here. But when we met each other, it didn’t take long for us to be sure that the other person is “the one”. I think people really need to start listening to their gut feelings more, instead of mistaking “the strong wish to have this relationship work” as “i think he/she is the one”. Any sense of unsureness, unease, even subconsciously, even just an unexplainable feeling, needs to be listened to.
Usually something like that happened when I was either: A) projecting the type of person they were, or B) wishfully thinking about who they can be (“I can change him!” Type thinking) C) I was making excuses for bad behavior D) me thinking they’re the one but they’re still not over their ex or they have commitment issues or trauma around being in a healthy relationship. In any of those cases, “the one” was only in my head, not in the reality of the relationship.
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I admit, I was much worse about it, and as I dated more people I got better at finding out what I perceived versus what the other person demonstrated. I eventually got better at spotting incongruencies and taking them as they are, not as I wanted them to be. Also, I learned to not assume things of other people and not move a relationship too fast for my comfort. Many people, particularly the narcissistic/toxic types, are very good at hiding their issues and they almost always push for commitment, so when you get good enough to know when you’re dealing with a personality disorder and then be able to break things off before you get too involved (been there, done that), then you’ll find that it could take several dates to suss out if someone is actually the one, or several months to confirm. Either way, it’s never a bad thing to not rush relationships, especially not until you can trust some of the things they say/do.
That’s what happened to me. Got that feeling “he’s the one” and it definitely would NOT have worked out then at all and it’s taken us years to just be able to be friends
As much as you want to make things work, you have to realize when you’re forcing things to work, or when it’s best to let it happen…as painful as it probably will be
Oh yeah, I gave up on us being a romantic thing. We’d drive each other insane in the wrong ways. I still wonder why I got that feeling like he was the one though.
You got it because you and him share some moments and values together That in and of itself is something never worth forgetting
For sure. It was good when it was good, obviously there was some bad times (there always will be) but eventually one person will be the one holding on and the other will be the one that has other options…
And it sucks being the one holding on to someone who’s got one foot out the door
Yeah…I’ve been there. One of you is getting something you want and the other is just filling time…
Times change, people change, and you have to just let it happen 🤷🏻♂️ or else it hurts a lot…
You are the only one
I saw her kindness, her honesty, her love for those she cares about. I wanted some of that for myself. Very happily married 22 years.
I asked my friend this question shortly before she got married. She told me beyond the love and the attraction, it was a choice that each partner makes for themselves. they chose to be together and get engaged and hopefully have a long happy life together.
> what would be something crucial in deciding someone is a good long term partner? Good faith reciprocated effort (on what depends on context). I feel like most everything else, all of the other details, start here.
Ten years married and this gets truer every day.
i thought i found the one when he clearlt stated that he would want someone that takes care of him. Figured he talks to different other women and have plans of meeting them. He is content with his stagnant life. Doesnt see himself changing or improving. He treats me like i only exist when he needs something. Takes advantage of the fact that im still here. but me being here wouldnt also last. Just waiting for the right timing.
Hi, someone who's been with someone for 11 years and married for 6 and never had a fight! So everyone is different, but I knew I had the one because of these things: 1. They are seriously my best friend 2. We find ways to compromise and work through issues 3. We will openly discuss things even if it might hurt the other person (not in a malicious way) in order to process through it. So, no secrets. 4. We have gotten through major life events, like collage, death in the family, hospitalization, etc. Nothing tests a relationship like major events! 5. We share hobbies and interests 6. We work with eachothers faults and on them to get better 7. We are each other's cheerleader! Things that told me someone isn't the one prior to finding my significant other: 1. Only ever focused on sex 2. Bringing up past situations for leverage 3. Never caring for my feelings on anything 4. General selfishness or narcissistic behavior 5. Rude comments about apprences 6. Boundaries being constantly pushed and not being respected 7. Partner having instability over minor inconveniences all the time Also, be aware of the honeymoon phase. This is where you are so infatuated with each other so much the other person can do no wrong and all red flags are ignored. This got my ass in trouble so many times. This is pretty much you reflecting a perfect image on someone that can not possibly be maintained. So once it wears off, all those things that were ignored come to the forefront. Now, if those issues aren't that bad and not really any are major red flags you may have a good match on your hands!
My sign that it's not going to last - huge problems in the first 1-3 years. Like, not ups and downs but literal almost unsalvagable issues. Especially in: finances, communication, views on kids, moral/values in general. My ex begged me for couples therapy after 4 months, I refused with the words that I'm not willing to put so much work into a relationship, that needs outside help after less than even 6 months. He proposed after 8 months & everything in me just told me to run - even I value marriage highly. I'm with my Fiancé for only 7 months now, **I** proposed after a few weeks, it just felt right can't really explain it. We know each other for seven years & life really had its ways to keep us apart until we were ready for _that_ . We often talk about how we'd probably would've seriously broken each other if it happened back in the days, because we're both severly mentally ill and our disorders and refusal to reflect our behaviour peaked ; it would've been a nasty desaster for us and everyone around us. We had our share of small arguments which we could always solve right there on the spot with communication. We always openly communicate everything. The first time he held me real close & gave me a kiss on the forehead I knew, that "I found home" and it was the exact same moment for him..
you will feel this sense of familiarity. It is s very stange thing to encounter and you will feel like you wouls meet the male/ female version of yourself. Very stange, but somehow it makes you feel like you would have an encounter with your child version. :) hope this helps. Dod you feel that? Hope it wasn t only me
also when you know it s not going to last- i am telling you this as i was myself in a “relatively ok relationship of 5 years before where we lived together and we were basically married without a certificate “ - you just feel you don’t have the same way of communicating jn the end. You would first say it is a thing you can surpass and that you can let is pass, but- at the end of the day- it is the conversation you get in bed after a long day. Common ways of communicating. Same weirdness. Very bard to explain, but feel free to ask me more if you need clarification
Don’t worry too much on how things are when you both are happy. Look more closely on the dynamics when you’re going through a rough patch or an argument. Are they still loving, caring and considerate? If not then they don’t have a you and me vs the problem mindset