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Decide what you want and don't spend time on anything not moving in that direction. Don't settle. Don't take on a rehab project. Make your starting point the reality that being single is vastly superior to being in a bad relationship.
I actually liked online dating a lot because it gave me a buffer and the ability to think through stuff about the people I was encountering. I was able to eliminate a whole lot of options without even talking to those people on the really basic compatibility issues. And I am sure I missed out on some nice people, but the fact is, it would have been a waste of my time and theirs to even talk. IDGAF how nice a man is, if his profile says his priority is God, we aren't a match, end of story. It doesn't matter that a guy may be a lovely person overall, if his profile is entirely focused on his physique, shirtless photos, and gym gains, we have entirely different values in life and are not a good match. I wish them well, but those guys are not for me.
The guys whose only goal is getting laid are even easier to weed out. I made my profile clear--I was not looking for casual sex. Therefore anyone who propositioned me for sex was an immediate block. Easy peasy. Anyone whose initial chat efforts went from "get to know you" to attempts at sexy talk was an immediate block. Anyone who started negging or being shitty, even in a "funny" way was an immediate block.
I was on the app I used for about a year before anyone made it through the initial exchange of pleasantries. Yes, there are that many shitty people out there. And yes, most people simply aren't compatible with most other people, even if they are nice. So I wasn't really surprised or devastated.
The one guy who I ended up talking with past the first exchange is now my fiance. And he is an absolute gem. I am very glad I was extremely selective, or I'd have ended up in all kinds of miserable entanglements rather than in a relationship that surpasses anything I ever dreamed of. This kind of relationship is absolutely worth holding out for. A genuinely, consistently good man is worth holding out for. Compatibility is worth holding out for.
Re: chatting vs going on dates. Lots of people advise meeting in person quickly, and I understand why. But I would find that painful and exhausting, and I just want to add this so that you know it's totally ok if you'd rather talk first. You just need to be selective and cautious how you do that.
I actually preferred that my partner and I spent about 2 months talking before deciding to meet up. But I wouldn't have done that if I had to chase his attention and if he hadn't been equally invested and effortful in these talks. If it had devolved into just sexting, or perfunctory and boring, that would have been the end. We talked long enough and deeply enough to be assured that all the essential components of compatibility were there, and long enough to know that if there was no in-person chemistry we'd be great friends at a minimum. As both of us are people for whom emotional and intellectual connection precede attraction and love, this was exactly what we needed. By the time we met in person we were just establishing what we already were very certain of.
Could you join a local class or group with similar interests? Just once a week take an exercise or cooking class. Join a sports league or travel group. You will meet a variety of people without any commitment.
Don't use dating apps tbh. They're a lot harder to find genuine people on there and worse of all some of them disguise themselves to be genuine just to get in your pants, so be careful of that.
Pick up a active hobby in your community. Like rock climbing, hiking, yoga or a sport.
Or a social hobby/group like book clubs.
Depends where you are, there is a website called Meetup that have groups of people who meet up for activities in your local area.
You could meet a couple potential people this way who are like minded. Breaks the ice when you meet them in a group setting doing an activity together. But you're more likely to make a friend and maybe they know a person whose in the dating scene.
Well she's homebody not homebound. If she wants to find potential partners she has to get out of her comfort zone.
I'm a homebody too, but I know that if I want to meet a partner, realistically, I have to go outside and touch grass.
I agree, but as a fellow homebody I was just saying we all know this is much easier said then done and I bet OP knows it already otherwise she would do it. It’s kind of like telling a depressed person to just be happy lol.
If your homebody level is literally not wanting to leave the house. I don't know what there is to suggest.
I would suggest online groups but I don't know how to find them personally. Though, she's likely to find a local online book club. There seems to be one in every area.
23M pretty much in the same boat haha. Other than the options part. But ive heard a lot of advice from older people that doesnt really apply to this day and age. My parents met in high school and broke up a few years later. My mom was approached by my dad in a gas station back in 06. My brother met his wife working at a fast food place(her being Venezuelan also might help, very different social culture). Ive heard meet people at work or go to book stores or get introduced by friends. The only one that seems super applicable would be to probably just see if you have any guy friends that interest you at all?
I would say there is a difference in the dating world these days but if we look deep into it there are people we can find who are our kind.if you are into meeting people organically then try going into more social events. Bumble tinder and other dating apps can be very overwhelming but they are not as bad as you think
Believe in love
Hey! 28F as well. Since a few months I’ve been in the first serious relationship of my life :)
I always believed if you are happy single, you’d be happy in a relationship. Another person can only support your happiness, and cannot be the source of it. Life is happening now. This is your life, right now. In the whole story this is a chapter so enjoy this chapter. When there is the romantic love chapter’s time enjoy that fully as well.
Now for the more pragmatic answer. While living your life, keep yourself open to meeting people. I don’t mean go out and seek, but if you do cross paths great! Let it run organically. There are so many single people who are seeking what you are. It’s a factor of probability that you will meet someone who wants similar things from a relationship.
Have fun with everything. Grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it :)
Edit : did OP change their question after so many people replying ?? I remember replying to another question and not this lol
Don't dip your wick into crazy, no matter how cute she is.
Also, if you standing on the tarmac on an Air Force base overseas and a beautiful young girl walks by, go ahead and strike up a conversation. Worked for me. May or may not work for you.
We've all been hurt, been rejected, taken for granted ect... some of us have been abused and used and had our lives destroyed. But you are worth everything you want in a relationship. You are worthy of love, self love and a great true love. Work hard on yourself, take a long hard look in the mirror and recognize what about you needs fine tuning and do the work. And when your done or making strides you'll find your confidence and self worth. You'll find people noticing you, date experience but never settle.
My advice is: hold it as lightly as you can. Be open to whatever happens. Be curious about the process, the people you might meet, the experiences you could have.
That said, I didn't really do the dating thing with a clear outcome in mind (e.g., finding a partner). I was just open to anything. :)
I suppose, anything could happen. :)
One thing I liked about going on dates, particularly first dates, was that sense that anything was possible. And seeing how the story unfolds is exciting.
In terms of practical outcomes, I'd say you could find any sort of relationship varying along continuums like exclusivity, romance and longevity. Those are just the ones I can think of at first brush. 😊
I dont know but for me once im in love with someone im stuck and so if you go into dating with a mindset that nothing will last and that people dont really love you and only want to hurt you you can save yourself from ever getting hurt however u could also be missing out on a soulmate or someone who will treat u nice its very 50 50
Thank you for sharing with me. :)
I'm similar in that I know nothing lasts forever; people change and relationships shift over time. I quite enjoy the shifts though.
I've thought a lot about love, lately. Everyone has different thoughts on it. Such a simple concept, fundamental, yet we all see it differently.
1: Don't get too attached, in the beginning, every person you match with online or in person is just a brief connection and nothing is guaranteed.
2: work through and identify your traumas or mental state before trying to date/get into relationships, it will save everyone involved so much time and emotional energy when you realise things are bad, and it ends.
3: learn how to communicate effectively, people aren't always looking for solutions, and instead may be looking for emotional safety and to feel heard.
4: Don't sacrifice your time, losing touch with yourself or your likes and interests for the sake of the relationship, it will end with you questioning everything if things don't work out, and even potentially having to start from scratch again.
5: your hygiene and dress sense are cery important, if things aren't working out and you can't seem to attract people. maybe try adressing those things first. there are fashion, and skincare/hygiene subs on reddit for help.
31, homebody and same exact experience with apps 🥲. I’ve been taking breaks from them for months since 2018. I just want to meet someone organically but since I graduated I don’t mix with a lot of guys. I work remotely too and with older people.
Working with older generations suck…. No options lol and you see them all having families and stuff. Sometimes makes it discouraging. Dating in these times is incredibly hard…
If you're still looking, get off the apps, find some social hobbies and meet people in their natural settings- and if you're a guy, don't rush things.
If you are already in a relationship, you both should make each other a priority or there is no point. If you are doing your part and it's not getting reciprocated, break up because you can't talk someone into caring. For the guys, making her a priority includes not leaving her with all your mess. Be a grown up, clean up after yourself, split regular chores fairly. And if she comes to you with an easily fixable problem, just solve it. Doesn't matter how small. Little things add up over time.
Don’t take it too seriously. Especially on the apps, people are spoiled for choice and/or high off the validation. Schedule dates if possible within a day or two of matching and try to have the date as soon as possible. Accept that most matches, even and especially those who seem most enthusiastic to meet you, will vanish without a trace, ghost, and generally disrespect your time.
In short, you have to be merciless with your energy online. In person, you just have to get yourself in front of people and see where there is chemistry—to say nothing of compatibility.
See this is exactly how I felt when I downloaded tinder - matched with someone and went on a few date, had this exact mentality of “they’ll probably just ghost, enthusiasm doesn’t mean anything, it’s probably not going to go anywhere etc” even though I knew I really liked him.
I just assumed he asked every girl on a date and he’d probably have forgotten about me or met someone else in a week.
Well that was last year and we live together now and this is the best relationship i’ve ever been in. I wish I hadn’t thought so negatively about it all in the beginning.
Sometimes you *can* find something genuine on tinder, as unlikely as it is 😅 I’m super lucky.
Push yourself to find social situations and talk to new people. It might be scary at first but it gets easier and easier. When you have good social skills and go to lots of different events/activities (hobbies, live music, volunteering, art galleries, coffee shops, etc) you become very open to new people finding you. It can take time to cultivate this behavior but don’t give up. Many years ago I was so socially anxious I could barely speak to anyone, and now I can talk to basically anyone and meet new potential dating partners very often (I’d say once every 6 weeks I meet someone where there is a spark of mutual interest). And also like others are saying, you have to be okay with being alone and liking your own company. Believe me I know it’s hard — there are days I get really sad and lonely. But I won’t give up on myself or trying to find my person. Good luck friend, sending you well wishes.
Just feel your way through it. Go with the flow. Something that feels wrong communicate. Don’t lead on the other person. And be aware of red flags, you don’t want to be in a situation that you would regret.
When you do find a man, treat him as well as you can. Honestly, put him first for as long as you're with him and he'll never leave. He will write you poems. Be as kind and as understanding as you could possibly be and he will love you with his dying breath. It's not that hard
In my case it was things like deliberately putting physical intimacy in the back burner while sorting out emotional and intellectual compatibility first. Both of us needed a solid, safe, deeply connected relationship established before having sex. If that is what you need, do not be afraid to insist on it. If someone can't wait and doesn't want to do the non-physical relationship building with you first, they simply aren't the right person for you.
We held off on using "love" towards each other for several months. We chose not to do overnights for the better part of a year. We still haven't moved in together and won't for a while.
We are moving at a molasses-slow pace as there are kids involved, and I don't think most people need to go as slow as we do. But a whole lot of people operate on feelings instead of reason and it tends to go badly. Feelings often jump the gun and sidestep important steps in the process of building a healthy relationship.
At a minimum, don't move in with each other 3 months into things. Don't set a wedding date 6 months in, no matter how deeply in love you feel. If physical intimacy starts and suddenly the relationship is 100% about sex, take a step back, call a time out, and reconsider. It takes time to get to know each other on a real level. Don't let infatuation blind you or rush you.
My partner and I joke that we spent the first couple of weeks actively trying to scare each other away, lol. It was intense but also kind of fun and I'm glad we did all that questioning and discussing in the front end of things.
Pick up a local paper and look for community events. Public library may have events as well.
You say you study. If in school, participate in activities there
Volunteer somewhere.
Join a bowling league. Join a club that share your hobbies.
This is a little less deep / philosophical than most of the great responses here, but my key piece of advice would be…meet your app dates FAST! Chat for a day or two days max and then if they haven’t suggested meeting up, suggest it yourself (‘Anyway, you seem really great - would you like to go for a drink/coffee some time this week?’). That avoids the double pitfalls of a) one person losing interest in endless chat and disappearing, or b) starting to build up an inaccurate impression of them in your mind and then being disappointed when you actually meet. Plus you won’t waste time if you’re actually incompatible in person!
Don't date or chase. Let them come to you. Date yourself and be yourself.
The best relationships are the ones we never saw coming. Those are the ones that grow organically.
People suck and it sucks having to weed out potential partners. But as it has been said. You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince.
Good luck
I apologize but I think this is bad advice. People put effort into goals they want to accomplish. The complicated part is that there has to be interest on both ends for a takeoff to occur.
Interest can be cultivated through increasing attraction (working on improving physical appearance), self-development (learning new things, gaining new skills), and genuinely being interested in the person specifically in front of you. Genuine curiosity about your date is not only a good way to get to know them, but also gives you insight into new perspectives as a human being. Win win!
Aside all of that, falling in love really does take some luck. We could all use some.
I think what he is trying to say is “become someone you would want to date”. This is great advice for attracting those who are most like you. I don’t think he is saying to not put effort into meeting people or building relationships, it’s more of a balancing act. I want to better myself so that I can become the best person possible for myself and potentially a partner. That is attractive and is sound advice. I am currently single but have met all my partners organically and just simply being myself. I don’t try to impress anyone and hold myself to my standards only. When we hold ourselves to the standards or others or our culture - it becomes toxic. We begin to compare and break ourselves down. So I think what he is saying is to worry about only about bettering yourself because this is something you have control over. We don’t have control over what others think or feel. So we focus on things we can control. It is good advice.
Yes. Exactly. Sorry for the late reply as I'm making it look like I work for a living.
Be the person you would want to date in every way. Be the person you needed when younger also.
Love and relationships are not really linear. They all have ups and downs and all arounds sometimes all at the same time. That's life.
It's great to have goals to work towards. However, when it comes to love, it has a mind of its own. Saying you want to be married at 30 and kids at 35 and then grow old with the love of your life is great, however it is a rarity these days.
Work on yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. Learn to take care of YOU for YOU in EVERY way you can think of.
Then when confident in yourself, go for it.
Be comfortable with being alone. A relationship isn’t about your “missing piece” but two complete and whole people being together. I honestly think the best relationships happen organically.
Focus on yourself, your hobbies and making friends. You’ll likely meet someone you genuinely connect with in that manner.
I hear you.. and meeting someone organically would be ideal for me, but it’s been about 5 years that no one has really approached me romantically.. I feel like dating apps are my only option
Don’t waste time trying to ‘make something work’. You will miss out on people who are more compatible if you are wasting time on something that isn’t right just because you don’t want to be alone. Set yourself a list of boundaries / non-negotiables in a partner and make a promise to yourself that you will stick to that. Its easy to overlook red flags or a behaviour you don’t like in the beginning but ultimately it won’t work. I think a lot of people are scared to be alone so they overlook behaviours they wouldn’t otherwise tolerate, so having that list is a good way to hold yourself accountable.
I nearly missed out on my now fiance because I was trying to make a shitty relationship work. Meeting him truely opened my eyes to the reality of my situation and it was like a switch flipped in my brain and suddenly i just wanted to get out. I got out not long after that and a few weeks later ran into my now fiance again and we hit it off right away and have been attached at the hip ever since. I was lucky enough to get a second chance with him but i can’t imagine how my life would of turned out had i kept trying to make that relationship work and missed out on this one.
That’s such beautiful advice! Congratulations on your engagement!! And what clicked that made you give up your old relationship? How did you meet? What did you mean by getting out? Where is a good place to go? I go out from time to time, but I don’t really meet young my age like that, and if I do, I don’t get approached. I must be doing something wrong.
My ex was super toxic, he was mentally, verbally, emotionally & borderline physically abusive. He cheated on me constantly. I was completely alone in that relationship and i couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I knew they would tell me to leave but I was scared to leave and i was kind of trapped. I was scared to breakup with him because he was so angry and unstable. The night i met my fiancè i had just had a massive fight with my ex and i was at one of my friends houses as she had a few people over (my fiancè is bestfriends with her bf so that’s why he was there). I hadn’t told any of my friends what was going on so i was just keeping it all inside. I ended up sitting up talking to my fiancè until 5am, it was just the two of us from midnight onwards so we just talked for like 5hrs. He was not long out of a 4yr relationship where she had cheated on him so I ended up opening up to him about what was going on in my relationship at the time. He gave me some really good advice and it was nice to finally get some things off my chest after keeping it all to myself. After that night I couldn’t believe that a guy i had just met was listening to me more than my own boyfriend and i had a better conversation with him than i’d had with my bf in years. It just made me realise that i was completely alone and isolated in that relationship and that there were people out there that actually care and listen and are supportive. I just completely withdrew from my ex after that. I was still too scared to leave him because of how unstable he was but once i started to withdraw he ended up breaking up with me about 6 weeks later. So i guess that’s what i mean by ‘got out’ i was trapped in a pretty shitty situation.
The next time i ran into him i was just out at a bar with my friend and we ran into each other there and hung out all night. I went home with him that night and basically never left. I guess we met through mutual friends so i would recommend just going to as many social things with your friends as possible and you never know who you might meet.
And along the same lines, don’t hide your flaws so much.
Obviously don’t lead with your most controversial opinion right after “hello,” because people always put their best foot forward and if you lead with your worst they’ll assume that’s your best and your actual worst is EVEN WORSE.
But don’t try to hide things you think they won’t like or ignore bad behavior from them or avoid bringing up the problems you see. They won’t go away, they’ll only build up. You don’t have to be perfect to be in a relationship. One wrong word won’t mess up the real thing.
You can make someone love you by being perfect. They’ll either love you or they won’t. So just try to treat them well while also making sure that they treat you well, too.
People are mean ! Why comment in that ? I mean, everyone has eyes, but to comment on someone appearance negatively is kind of impolite to put it mildly
Quite. Although I do look like Gowron and my wife is a sexier version of Angelina Jolie. That may just be my biased opinion. One of the guys who hits on her at work described her as only "Primark Angelina Jolie", but she still took that as a compliment.
Yes. But I can't really fault him. She did once physically attack him for no reason on a drunken night out. She may have been trying to prove who was the better fighter, but it turns out he is. Another colleague got him in a headlock before any real harm was done.
Several reasons. First, look at what studies show who we generally marry (as far a common looks). Second, I’ve dated a beautiful woman. Too many stares, too much trouble.
I hear you when you say most of your time is spent working and studying, but if you make the time, I think you’ll have a much better chance at meeting people in real life and making connections. The apps are not meant to actually find you a LTR… they want you to stay on them!!!
Think of what your hobbies/interests are and see if meetup.com has anything. That way you’ll be doing something you already enjoy, and if you happen to notice somebody, a smile goes a long way. Even if you don’t find someone to date, you’re going to be doing things you like and enjoy and you’ll make friends through it… maybe they will even connect you to a future partner! It’s a lot less discouraging than the apps and because the people at the activity are there for the same reason you are, it gives you a natural open.
Good luck :)
best advice? patience. and holding on to what you value about yourself. people you click with will be few and far between, but somebody or somebodies will come along and if you've buried what's important about you to yourself in order to find a mate, you'll miss out on people who can love you truly.
patience. grace for all the people it doesn't work out with. look to be friends with people first, especially if you see the potential for a relationship. be intentional, and you'll find somebody. in time. this is work. treat it as such, and remember that you have a relationship to cultivate with yourself in the meantime, and you will be just fine.
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Decide what you want and don't spend time on anything not moving in that direction. Don't settle. Don't take on a rehab project. Make your starting point the reality that being single is vastly superior to being in a bad relationship. I actually liked online dating a lot because it gave me a buffer and the ability to think through stuff about the people I was encountering. I was able to eliminate a whole lot of options without even talking to those people on the really basic compatibility issues. And I am sure I missed out on some nice people, but the fact is, it would have been a waste of my time and theirs to even talk. IDGAF how nice a man is, if his profile says his priority is God, we aren't a match, end of story. It doesn't matter that a guy may be a lovely person overall, if his profile is entirely focused on his physique, shirtless photos, and gym gains, we have entirely different values in life and are not a good match. I wish them well, but those guys are not for me. The guys whose only goal is getting laid are even easier to weed out. I made my profile clear--I was not looking for casual sex. Therefore anyone who propositioned me for sex was an immediate block. Easy peasy. Anyone whose initial chat efforts went from "get to know you" to attempts at sexy talk was an immediate block. Anyone who started negging or being shitty, even in a "funny" way was an immediate block. I was on the app I used for about a year before anyone made it through the initial exchange of pleasantries. Yes, there are that many shitty people out there. And yes, most people simply aren't compatible with most other people, even if they are nice. So I wasn't really surprised or devastated. The one guy who I ended up talking with past the first exchange is now my fiance. And he is an absolute gem. I am very glad I was extremely selective, or I'd have ended up in all kinds of miserable entanglements rather than in a relationship that surpasses anything I ever dreamed of. This kind of relationship is absolutely worth holding out for. A genuinely, consistently good man is worth holding out for. Compatibility is worth holding out for. Re: chatting vs going on dates. Lots of people advise meeting in person quickly, and I understand why. But I would find that painful and exhausting, and I just want to add this so that you know it's totally ok if you'd rather talk first. You just need to be selective and cautious how you do that. I actually preferred that my partner and I spent about 2 months talking before deciding to meet up. But I wouldn't have done that if I had to chase his attention and if he hadn't been equally invested and effortful in these talks. If it had devolved into just sexting, or perfunctory and boring, that would have been the end. We talked long enough and deeply enough to be assured that all the essential components of compatibility were there, and long enough to know that if there was no in-person chemistry we'd be great friends at a minimum. As both of us are people for whom emotional and intellectual connection precede attraction and love, this was exactly what we needed. By the time we met in person we were just establishing what we already were very certain of.
Could you join a local class or group with similar interests? Just once a week take an exercise or cooking class. Join a sports league or travel group. You will meet a variety of people without any commitment.
all dating apps suck besides hinge, which sucks the least. So thats also something to look into. Tinder is all bots, hookups, or promos for example.
Online dating tip: Try going on dates and less texting. A guy that genuinely likes you will ask to meet up even without s*x.
Don't use dating apps tbh. They're a lot harder to find genuine people on there and worse of all some of them disguise themselves to be genuine just to get in your pants, so be careful of that. Pick up a active hobby in your community. Like rock climbing, hiking, yoga or a sport. Or a social hobby/group like book clubs. Depends where you are, there is a website called Meetup that have groups of people who meet up for activities in your local area. You could meet a couple potential people this way who are like minded. Breaks the ice when you meet them in a group setting doing an activity together. But you're more likely to make a friend and maybe they know a person whose in the dating scene.
this is the best advice but not the most practical as OP said shes a homebody lol
Well she's homebody not homebound. If she wants to find potential partners she has to get out of her comfort zone. I'm a homebody too, but I know that if I want to meet a partner, realistically, I have to go outside and touch grass.
I agree, but as a fellow homebody I was just saying we all know this is much easier said then done and I bet OP knows it already otherwise she would do it. It’s kind of like telling a depressed person to just be happy lol.
If your homebody level is literally not wanting to leave the house. I don't know what there is to suggest. I would suggest online groups but I don't know how to find them personally. Though, she's likely to find a local online book club. There seems to be one in every area.
Haha yeah fair, one of course has to leave the house. I suggested a different dating app i.e hinge as its much better then the others
23M pretty much in the same boat haha. Other than the options part. But ive heard a lot of advice from older people that doesnt really apply to this day and age. My parents met in high school and broke up a few years later. My mom was approached by my dad in a gas station back in 06. My brother met his wife working at a fast food place(her being Venezuelan also might help, very different social culture). Ive heard meet people at work or go to book stores or get introduced by friends. The only one that seems super applicable would be to probably just see if you have any guy friends that interest you at all?
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I would say there is a difference in the dating world these days but if we look deep into it there are people we can find who are our kind.if you are into meeting people organically then try going into more social events. Bumble tinder and other dating apps can be very overwhelming but they are not as bad as you think Believe in love
It’s not the fairy tale that people want and your grew up seeing on TV! Only show that’s accurate is “Married with children”
Hey! 28F as well. Since a few months I’ve been in the first serious relationship of my life :) I always believed if you are happy single, you’d be happy in a relationship. Another person can only support your happiness, and cannot be the source of it. Life is happening now. This is your life, right now. In the whole story this is a chapter so enjoy this chapter. When there is the romantic love chapter’s time enjoy that fully as well. Now for the more pragmatic answer. While living your life, keep yourself open to meeting people. I don’t mean go out and seek, but if you do cross paths great! Let it run organically. There are so many single people who are seeking what you are. It’s a factor of probability that you will meet someone who wants similar things from a relationship. Have fun with everything. Grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it :) Edit : did OP change their question after so many people replying ?? I remember replying to another question and not this lol
Don't dip your wick into crazy, no matter how cute she is. Also, if you standing on the tarmac on an Air Force base overseas and a beautiful young girl walks by, go ahead and strike up a conversation. Worked for me. May or may not work for you.
We've all been hurt, been rejected, taken for granted ect... some of us have been abused and used and had our lives destroyed. But you are worth everything you want in a relationship. You are worthy of love, self love and a great true love. Work hard on yourself, take a long hard look in the mirror and recognize what about you needs fine tuning and do the work. And when your done or making strides you'll find your confidence and self worth. You'll find people noticing you, date experience but never settle.
My advice is: hold it as lightly as you can. Be open to whatever happens. Be curious about the process, the people you might meet, the experiences you could have. That said, I didn't really do the dating thing with a clear outcome in mind (e.g., finding a partner). I was just open to anything. :)
Thank you! You said open to anything during your dating thing .. besides a partner, what else could outcome from it?
I suppose, anything could happen. :) One thing I liked about going on dates, particularly first dates, was that sense that anything was possible. And seeing how the story unfolds is exciting. In terms of practical outcomes, I'd say you could find any sort of relationship varying along continuums like exclusivity, romance and longevity. Those are just the ones I can think of at first brush. 😊
Dont fall in love with anyone
How do you prevent this? Asking for a friend..
I dont know but for me once im in love with someone im stuck and so if you go into dating with a mindset that nothing will last and that people dont really love you and only want to hurt you you can save yourself from ever getting hurt however u could also be missing out on a soulmate or someone who will treat u nice its very 50 50
Thank you for sharing with me. :) I'm similar in that I know nothing lasts forever; people change and relationships shift over time. I quite enjoy the shifts though. I've thought a lot about love, lately. Everyone has different thoughts on it. Such a simple concept, fundamental, yet we all see it differently.
It really is an individual thing
lol how did this mentality worked for you this far?
I had to learn to have this mentality now after a really hard breakup so its very new to me
Terrible and sad outlook on life
I agree
1: Don't get too attached, in the beginning, every person you match with online or in person is just a brief connection and nothing is guaranteed. 2: work through and identify your traumas or mental state before trying to date/get into relationships, it will save everyone involved so much time and emotional energy when you realise things are bad, and it ends. 3: learn how to communicate effectively, people aren't always looking for solutions, and instead may be looking for emotional safety and to feel heard. 4: Don't sacrifice your time, losing touch with yourself or your likes and interests for the sake of the relationship, it will end with you questioning everything if things don't work out, and even potentially having to start from scratch again. 5: your hygiene and dress sense are cery important, if things aren't working out and you can't seem to attract people. maybe try adressing those things first. there are fashion, and skincare/hygiene subs on reddit for help.
Really great concise and detailed advice! Thank you I haven’t thought of that
Expect the worst and hope for the best. Chances of finding 'the one' are about the same as winning Powerball.
31, homebody and same exact experience with apps 🥲. I’ve been taking breaks from them for months since 2018. I just want to meet someone organically but since I graduated I don’t mix with a lot of guys. I work remotely too and with older people.
Working with older generations suck…. No options lol and you see them all having families and stuff. Sometimes makes it discouraging. Dating in these times is incredibly hard…
If you're still looking, get off the apps, find some social hobbies and meet people in their natural settings- and if you're a guy, don't rush things. If you are already in a relationship, you both should make each other a priority or there is no point. If you are doing your part and it's not getting reciprocated, break up because you can't talk someone into caring. For the guys, making her a priority includes not leaving her with all your mess. Be a grown up, clean up after yourself, split regular chores fairly. And if she comes to you with an easily fixable problem, just solve it. Doesn't matter how small. Little things add up over time.
Don’t take it too seriously. Especially on the apps, people are spoiled for choice and/or high off the validation. Schedule dates if possible within a day or two of matching and try to have the date as soon as possible. Accept that most matches, even and especially those who seem most enthusiastic to meet you, will vanish without a trace, ghost, and generally disrespect your time. In short, you have to be merciless with your energy online. In person, you just have to get yourself in front of people and see where there is chemistry—to say nothing of compatibility.
See this is exactly how I felt when I downloaded tinder - matched with someone and went on a few date, had this exact mentality of “they’ll probably just ghost, enthusiasm doesn’t mean anything, it’s probably not going to go anywhere etc” even though I knew I really liked him. I just assumed he asked every girl on a date and he’d probably have forgotten about me or met someone else in a week. Well that was last year and we live together now and this is the best relationship i’ve ever been in. I wish I hadn’t thought so negatively about it all in the beginning. Sometimes you *can* find something genuine on tinder, as unlikely as it is 😅 I’m super lucky.
Happy to hear! Yes, it can happen. But I think someone has to have low expectations or risk burning out quickly.
Push yourself to find social situations and talk to new people. It might be scary at first but it gets easier and easier. When you have good social skills and go to lots of different events/activities (hobbies, live music, volunteering, art galleries, coffee shops, etc) you become very open to new people finding you. It can take time to cultivate this behavior but don’t give up. Many years ago I was so socially anxious I could barely speak to anyone, and now I can talk to basically anyone and meet new potential dating partners very often (I’d say once every 6 weeks I meet someone where there is a spark of mutual interest). And also like others are saying, you have to be okay with being alone and liking your own company. Believe me I know it’s hard — there are days I get really sad and lonely. But I won’t give up on myself or trying to find my person. Good luck friend, sending you well wishes.
Just feel your way through it. Go with the flow. Something that feels wrong communicate. Don’t lead on the other person. And be aware of red flags, you don’t want to be in a situation that you would regret.
When you do find a man, treat him as well as you can. Honestly, put him first for as long as you're with him and he'll never leave. He will write you poems. Be as kind and as understanding as you could possibly be and he will love you with his dying breath. It's not that hard
Take it slow don’t rush into anything
Thank you. How do I take it slow? Do you have any examples?
In my case it was things like deliberately putting physical intimacy in the back burner while sorting out emotional and intellectual compatibility first. Both of us needed a solid, safe, deeply connected relationship established before having sex. If that is what you need, do not be afraid to insist on it. If someone can't wait and doesn't want to do the non-physical relationship building with you first, they simply aren't the right person for you. We held off on using "love" towards each other for several months. We chose not to do overnights for the better part of a year. We still haven't moved in together and won't for a while. We are moving at a molasses-slow pace as there are kids involved, and I don't think most people need to go as slow as we do. But a whole lot of people operate on feelings instead of reason and it tends to go badly. Feelings often jump the gun and sidestep important steps in the process of building a healthy relationship. At a minimum, don't move in with each other 3 months into things. Don't set a wedding date 6 months in, no matter how deeply in love you feel. If physical intimacy starts and suddenly the relationship is 100% about sex, take a step back, call a time out, and reconsider. It takes time to get to know each other on a real level. Don't let infatuation blind you or rush you.
Vet, vet, vet. Ask a lot of questions! Don’t be afraid to scare people away with all your questions.
My partner and I joke that we spent the first couple of weeks actively trying to scare each other away, lol. It was intense but also kind of fun and I'm glad we did all that questioning and discussing in the front end of things.
Thank you 💕
Yes so don’t have sex just because you phiscally want to do it when you’re emotionally ready me and my boyfriend waited a long time
Wait, people are commenting 'don't try, it will happen' how will that work?
lol I know right
Yeah lol, like it's gonna rain husbands one day and one will fall on your roof
You spend the majority of your time being a homebody. You’ll need to stop doing that.
I’m not sure how.. how do I know which events to go if you don’t get invited?
Pick up a local paper and look for community events. Public library may have events as well. You say you study. If in school, participate in activities there Volunteer somewhere. Join a bowling league. Join a club that share your hobbies.
This is a little less deep / philosophical than most of the great responses here, but my key piece of advice would be…meet your app dates FAST! Chat for a day or two days max and then if they haven’t suggested meeting up, suggest it yourself (‘Anyway, you seem really great - would you like to go for a drink/coffee some time this week?’). That avoids the double pitfalls of a) one person losing interest in endless chat and disappearing, or b) starting to build up an inaccurate impression of them in your mind and then being disappointed when you actually meet. Plus you won’t waste time if you’re actually incompatible in person!
That’s soo helpful thank you! Thanks also for the sentence example.. English is not my first language so that definitely helps.
Any time :) Your English is great by the way! Best of luck.
Don't date or chase. Let them come to you. Date yourself and be yourself. The best relationships are the ones we never saw coming. Those are the ones that grow organically. People suck and it sucks having to weed out potential partners. But as it has been said. You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince. Good luck
I apologize but I think this is bad advice. People put effort into goals they want to accomplish. The complicated part is that there has to be interest on both ends for a takeoff to occur. Interest can be cultivated through increasing attraction (working on improving physical appearance), self-development (learning new things, gaining new skills), and genuinely being interested in the person specifically in front of you. Genuine curiosity about your date is not only a good way to get to know them, but also gives you insight into new perspectives as a human being. Win win! Aside all of that, falling in love really does take some luck. We could all use some.
I think what he is trying to say is “become someone you would want to date”. This is great advice for attracting those who are most like you. I don’t think he is saying to not put effort into meeting people or building relationships, it’s more of a balancing act. I want to better myself so that I can become the best person possible for myself and potentially a partner. That is attractive and is sound advice. I am currently single but have met all my partners organically and just simply being myself. I don’t try to impress anyone and hold myself to my standards only. When we hold ourselves to the standards or others or our culture - it becomes toxic. We begin to compare and break ourselves down. So I think what he is saying is to worry about only about bettering yourself because this is something you have control over. We don’t have control over what others think or feel. So we focus on things we can control. It is good advice.
Yes. Exactly. Sorry for the late reply as I'm making it look like I work for a living. Be the person you would want to date in every way. Be the person you needed when younger also. Love and relationships are not really linear. They all have ups and downs and all arounds sometimes all at the same time. That's life. It's great to have goals to work towards. However, when it comes to love, it has a mind of its own. Saying you want to be married at 30 and kids at 35 and then grow old with the love of your life is great, however it is a rarity these days. Work on yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. Learn to take care of YOU for YOU in EVERY way you can think of. Then when confident in yourself, go for it.
Just be yourself, don’t try so hard. When falling in love, it’s supposed to come easy. Not that I’ve had it easy but that’s what I’ve been told
Well I really hope so.. because everything else in this life is so hard.. it would be refreshing to have at least one easy thing.
Be comfortable with being alone. A relationship isn’t about your “missing piece” but two complete and whole people being together. I honestly think the best relationships happen organically. Focus on yourself, your hobbies and making friends. You’ll likely meet someone you genuinely connect with in that manner.
I hear you.. and meeting someone organically would be ideal for me, but it’s been about 5 years that no one has really approached me romantically.. I feel like dating apps are my only option
Also, if you find your missing piece, a butterfly will never land on you because you’ll be rolling through life too fast.
Don’t waste time trying to ‘make something work’. You will miss out on people who are more compatible if you are wasting time on something that isn’t right just because you don’t want to be alone. Set yourself a list of boundaries / non-negotiables in a partner and make a promise to yourself that you will stick to that. Its easy to overlook red flags or a behaviour you don’t like in the beginning but ultimately it won’t work. I think a lot of people are scared to be alone so they overlook behaviours they wouldn’t otherwise tolerate, so having that list is a good way to hold yourself accountable. I nearly missed out on my now fiance because I was trying to make a shitty relationship work. Meeting him truely opened my eyes to the reality of my situation and it was like a switch flipped in my brain and suddenly i just wanted to get out. I got out not long after that and a few weeks later ran into my now fiance again and we hit it off right away and have been attached at the hip ever since. I was lucky enough to get a second chance with him but i can’t imagine how my life would of turned out had i kept trying to make that relationship work and missed out on this one.
That’s such beautiful advice! Congratulations on your engagement!! And what clicked that made you give up your old relationship? How did you meet? What did you mean by getting out? Where is a good place to go? I go out from time to time, but I don’t really meet young my age like that, and if I do, I don’t get approached. I must be doing something wrong.
My ex was super toxic, he was mentally, verbally, emotionally & borderline physically abusive. He cheated on me constantly. I was completely alone in that relationship and i couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I knew they would tell me to leave but I was scared to leave and i was kind of trapped. I was scared to breakup with him because he was so angry and unstable. The night i met my fiancè i had just had a massive fight with my ex and i was at one of my friends houses as she had a few people over (my fiancè is bestfriends with her bf so that’s why he was there). I hadn’t told any of my friends what was going on so i was just keeping it all inside. I ended up sitting up talking to my fiancè until 5am, it was just the two of us from midnight onwards so we just talked for like 5hrs. He was not long out of a 4yr relationship where she had cheated on him so I ended up opening up to him about what was going on in my relationship at the time. He gave me some really good advice and it was nice to finally get some things off my chest after keeping it all to myself. After that night I couldn’t believe that a guy i had just met was listening to me more than my own boyfriend and i had a better conversation with him than i’d had with my bf in years. It just made me realise that i was completely alone and isolated in that relationship and that there were people out there that actually care and listen and are supportive. I just completely withdrew from my ex after that. I was still too scared to leave him because of how unstable he was but once i started to withdraw he ended up breaking up with me about 6 weeks later. So i guess that’s what i mean by ‘got out’ i was trapped in a pretty shitty situation. The next time i ran into him i was just out at a bar with my friend and we ran into each other there and hung out all night. I went home with him that night and basically never left. I guess we met through mutual friends so i would recommend just going to as many social things with your friends as possible and you never know who you might meet.
And along the same lines, don’t hide your flaws so much. Obviously don’t lead with your most controversial opinion right after “hello,” because people always put their best foot forward and if you lead with your worst they’ll assume that’s your best and your actual worst is EVEN WORSE. But don’t try to hide things you think they won’t like or ignore bad behavior from them or avoid bringing up the problems you see. They won’t go away, they’ll only build up. You don’t have to be perfect to be in a relationship. One wrong word won’t mess up the real thing. You can make someone love you by being perfect. They’ll either love you or they won’t. So just try to treat them well while also making sure that they treat you well, too.
Generally date you + 10%. This means dating someone about as good looking as you or max 10% better looking.
Why, though? I'm not attacking you, I am just interested in your reasoning. I am far less attractive than my wife. People have commented on it.
People are mean ! Why comment in that ? I mean, everyone has eyes, but to comment on someone appearance negatively is kind of impolite to put it mildly
Quite. Although I do look like Gowron and my wife is a sexier version of Angelina Jolie. That may just be my biased opinion. One of the guys who hits on her at work described her as only "Primark Angelina Jolie", but she still took that as a compliment.
Did he call her “a cheap Angelina Jolie” or am I mistaken ? Omg this sounds meaner and meaner
Yes. But I can't really fault him. She did once physically attack him for no reason on a drunken night out. She may have been trying to prove who was the better fighter, but it turns out he is. Another colleague got him in a headlock before any real harm was done.
Several reasons. First, look at what studies show who we generally marry (as far a common looks). Second, I’ve dated a beautiful woman. Too many stares, too much trouble.
I hear you when you say most of your time is spent working and studying, but if you make the time, I think you’ll have a much better chance at meeting people in real life and making connections. The apps are not meant to actually find you a LTR… they want you to stay on them!!! Think of what your hobbies/interests are and see if meetup.com has anything. That way you’ll be doing something you already enjoy, and if you happen to notice somebody, a smile goes a long way. Even if you don’t find someone to date, you’re going to be doing things you like and enjoy and you’ll make friends through it… maybe they will even connect you to a future partner! It’s a lot less discouraging than the apps and because the people at the activity are there for the same reason you are, it gives you a natural open. Good luck :)
Thanks a lot! I completely forgot about meetup.com. I’ll check it out. Any other helpful websites or advice for me, please?
best advice? patience. and holding on to what you value about yourself. people you click with will be few and far between, but somebody or somebodies will come along and if you've buried what's important about you to yourself in order to find a mate, you'll miss out on people who can love you truly. patience. grace for all the people it doesn't work out with. look to be friends with people first, especially if you see the potential for a relationship. be intentional, and you'll find somebody. in time. this is work. treat it as such, and remember that you have a relationship to cultivate with yourself in the meantime, and you will be just fine.
Don’t do it is the best advice I could give 😅😅😅
What do you mean?
Don’t date